5 minute read
Advice
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SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS
Coddle Herder empathic concern), he’s probably driven by empathic distress: a longing to imme-
My boyfriend’s enabling of his diately alleviate the pain he feels from failure-to-launch 26-year-old son is his son being in trouble. This is pathoseeming like a deal breaker. Though logical empathy: empathy that ultimatehis son’s very likable, he’s been fired ly harms both the person it’s intended to from every job he’s had, including a help and the person doing the helping. well-paying delivery job I recently got For example, in addition to the negative him, after they perceived liability from effect on your relationship, you noted (in his reckless, race-driving ways. His dad an email replying to questions I’d asked lent him a truck, pays you) that endlessly the insurance, pays picking up his reckless, his cellphone bill, and lazeballs son’s tab has keeps rescuing him tanked your boyfriend’s on his rent. He spends own finances. his days video gam- Of course, actuing, getting stoned, al helping is judicious and online dating. I helping, like a toughwas looking forward love refusal to make to getting married, but the consequences of I don’t want my house Slacker Boy’s actions at risk when his son calls for a bailout. I’m Amy Alkon magically disappear. Forcing this 20-somealso not sure I want a man who doesn’t thing brat to get socked with the costs advance his kids to independence. is probably the only way he’ll get on the —Distressed path to becoming an independent, fully
Childhood goes so fast. It’s only a functioning adult. matter of time before Cody is 85 and You get this, and you told me you’ve expected to post his own bail. brought it up to your boyfriend “like
Your boyfriend is acting out of empa- once a month,” framing it in “constructhy for his son. Empathy is taken for tive terms.” That isn’t working, in large granted as a beautiful thing, but it has a part because Dad has a habit that seems dark side. It comes from the German to serve him (at least on the immediword, “einfuhlung,” meaning “in-feeling” ate level): Son crashes and burns; Dad or “feeling into.” Obviously, we can’t actu- swoops in to sweep up the wreckage, and ally tap into another person’s feelings, but he gets that quick hit of “feel better.” psychologist Lynn O’Connor explains So, though your boyfriend appears that when we witness another person’s to be listening when you talk, he isn’t suffering, our “empathy system is alerted, really hearing you; that is, really taking almost as if we were suffering ourselves.” it in and then opening his mind to the
Our initial flare of empathy, this “feel- possibility that you’re right. Only if he ing into” another’s suffering, happens really hears you will you see whether he automatically. Once we experience it, can look critically at his enabling and explain neuroscientists Olga Klimecki accept the immediate emotional pain it and Tania Singer, our empathy can go one takes to do what’s best for his son and of two ways: into unhealthy “empathic your relationship long-term. distress” or healthy “empathic concern.” Since you’ve been unable to get
Empathic distress is empathy that through to him, you might seek out a quickly turns “me-focused.” We start mediator. A mediator specializes in helpfeeling really bad about how bad we feel ing parties truly hear and understand in the wake of our friend’s empathy-trig- each other. (Find one with a relationgering suffering -- to the point that we’re ship focus at mediate.com, or Google to prone to duck our uncomfortable feel- find free or sliding-scale services localings by avoiding our suffering friend. ly.) There’s also a DIY option from psy(Nice, huh?) Empathic concern, on the chotherapist Nathaniel Branden. Spend other hand, motivates us to channel our 12 hours together in a hotel room: no empathy into action. We ask ourselves, books, TV, smartphones, naps, or walks “What can I do to alleviate this person’s outside. Except for bathroom breaks, you suffering?” and then get to it. remain together at all times. Branden
However, even healthy empathic con- told me that when all “avenues of escape cern has a dark side. You can alleviate are closed off,” couples experience real somebody’s immediate suffering but ulti- breakthroughs in communication. mately hurt them long-term, like when If you try either or both of these techyou show them that Daddy’s always there niques, and your boyfriend still won’t to mop up after their irresponsible behav- come around, you’ll at least know you’ve ior with a big wad of dollars. done all you could to try to save your
Possibly saving your relationship relationship. Ideally, the “bonds” of marstarts with understanding the com- riage aren’t the sort that involve you riskplicated mix here. Though Dad is tak- ing your house if Slacky Sluffoffsky is too ing action on his son’s behalf (as per stoned to show up for his court hearing.
