Sage & Blunt: Ex on Eggshells

By Sage & Blunt

Dear Sage & Blunt, My ex and I dated pretty seriously at the beginning of college. Our breakup started amicable and then became messy, and in a heated fight, we decided not to speak to each other. It’s now been well over a year, and we still haven’t talked. All I have received are glares and avoidance, and I’ve followed their lead because they wanted space.

But graduation is coming up and I’m wondering if I should reach out. It’s sad that someone I once shared so much with is now a stranger. I’d like to know how they’re doing, but on the other hand, I did the dumping and I don’t want to cause them more harm. Should I reach out before graduation, or just let it go?

Sincerely,

Ex on Eggshells

Dear Ex on Eggshells, I’m sorry to hear that things are strained with your ex. Oh, how I know the pain of becoming strangers. I imagine the feeling of finality that surrounds graduation is only exacerbating that ache. Of course, you would like to know how they’re doing. I have limited intel here, but let’s face it, Eggshells, it does not seem like they want anything to do with you.

Often, we like to make ourselves believe that the people we miss are secretly harboring hopes that we will write them a letter or extend some token that otherwise proves we still think about them. And while maybe sometimes that’s true — we all love to be thought of — if all they are willing to do in front of you is glare and avoid, that’s the impression you need to work from. Clearly, they have decided that any feelings they are having about estrangement and commencement are not for you to see.

Look, I am a terribly sentimental person. I keep a diary, I re-read old texts, I accumulate souvenirs. I think of new things to say to past companions every day because I spend a lot of time ruminating on what has already happened. The urge to share my meditations can be overpowering and quite romantic, but I have weath-

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It’s hard for me to imagine that you reaching out would harm your ex unless you effed up in a graver way than you are willing to admit in your letter, but do you actually have something to say? I do not know if “It’s sad that we used to share so much and now we’re strangers” counts because everybody knows that already.

The thing to remember is that you will still feel sad about becoming strangers with someone you once knew intimately, no matter what you decide to do before graduation. It’s unlikely that reaching out will soothe that feeling. You will probably just have to live with it for a while, which –– make no mistake –– sucks. There will be more people to share your life with who you will eventually need to leave behind. This might be a good chance to practice.

Here’s what I think you should do — do not bother your ex and re- that athletes have when fighting their own mental health problems. Mental health struggles often are invisible. For teams over 50 players, it is completely unreasonable to hold coaches accountable to measure an athlete’s ability to compete based on mental health status. Additionally, as a generation that discourages the stigmatization of mental health struggles, we cannot place the responsibility for removing these pressures on coaches and parents who were raised in a different world. gard them with warmth even when they glare and get yourself to the commencement stage on May 22. Afterwards, when everyone is milling about on the grass, teary, and hugging and drinking champagne with their parents, find a free moment to go up to your ex. Congratulate them, wish them well, tell them you love them if that’s still true/the way you two do things –– again, working with a terribly sentimental personality over here –– and then let it be. They have your number.

That is not to say that this is an easy task. Speaking out about your mental health struggles can often be extremely challenging, especially if you participate in a sport where taking a break is seen as a weakness. Convincing yourself that you shouldn’t practice because you fractured your foot, for example, is significantly easier than reminding yourself that you haven’t been able to complete assignments because getting out of bed has been exceedingly challenging lately. Additionally, it is much more difficult to watch your teammates continue to practice when you’re suffering a “mental injury” as opposed to a physical one. Overcoming personal history, social stigmas and external stress is an uphill battle, but I believe by setting the standard now, we as a generation can begin to create change.

I want to emphasize that I am not in any way saying this is a battle you should take on alone. While I suggest that athletes enable ourselves as a collective to fight against stigmas and pressures, I encourage individual athletes to pursue resources and relationships that foster growth and help share those mental burdens. But most importantly, remind yourself sometimes that it’s okay to not be okay. Getting out of bed when you’re fighting a depressive episode can be a tough challenge for many people, and that challenge only becomes larger when you must maintain a certain weight, earn a certain GPA, make a certain amount of money and perform a certain way, athletically, just to keep your spot on the roster.

To encourage this change, I suggest two things. First, seek out resources so that you can take care of yourself before these battles begin, while these battles happen and even after you think they might be over. In the same way one preventatively stretches against shin splints in track, one should also go to therapy or find an outlet or space where they can cope with these feelings. I cannot begin to emphasize enough the importance of seeking out help, even if you think the problem will go away eventually. Secondly, check on your friends, especially the friends that check on you. Just because someone doesn’t seem like they need to be checked on doesn’t mean they don’t need to be checked on. However, checking on your friends doesn’t always look like saying, “How’s it going?” in D-Hall. Find and create spaces where you can genuinely ensure that your friends and teammates aren’t fighting their battles alone.

Conversely, be honest with your friends when they ask you these questions. Personally, this is the hardest part because whenever a friend asks me how I’m doing, I’ll immediately say I’m ‘good’ or ‘okay’ because I feel that I’m too busy to actually talk about my problems. But I promise you, no matter how busy your schedule is, no matter how worried you may be about whatever the future holds, you always have enough time to check in on those close to you, and those close to you always have enough time to check in on you. Please check in on your friends, and even more importantly, confide in those who care because those minutes we decided not to give can turn into a lifetime of regret.

Graduation feels like the end of so much because it is, but it’s not the end of everything. This season kicks up so much nostalgia that it’s hard to keep your head on straight. But your ex still exists after you both move on from college. And, per my last column, a year is so little time. Who knows what’s in store after this. Maybe you will never speak again, maybe things between you will cool off enough to form a kind of friendship, maybe something else will happen. But it does not all come down to what you do or do not say in the next few weeks. Take it one day at a time — that’s advice I would apply generally and liberally. And congrats, grad.

With love, truly, Sage & Blunt