The signs on Valentine’s Day

By Raunchy Rising & Dirty Descending

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Drops half of their dining dollars on 36 raspberry-strawberry smoothies from the Grill to place in the shape of a heart on Mac Field, visible from the window of their crush’s dorm in the Gates tower.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)

Finishes a first date in the emergency room after a well-intentioned box of chocolates makes them feel things in a way that it really shouldn’t. Currently petitioning, “What are you allergic to?” to be an acceptable opening line.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Commissions a bestie to dress up in a tuxedo and act as a waiter for their black tie dinner date in D-Hall. Table cloth: placed. Vase of roses: present. Plate of stir fry: hand-delivered.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A night in with their recent adoptee from PALS turns weird when boredom and a brownie baked by their friend in Cleve leads to an impromptu sampling of Fancy Feast.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A night with the gals in Bob’s Underground turns decidedly un-romantic when a suggestion to whip out the ol’ ouija board leaves the status of all friendships involved in flux.

The Scarlet & Black Staff Spring 2023

Nadia Langley

Allison Moore

Lucia Cheng

Ellianna Cierpiot

Eleanor Corbin

Lilli Morrish

Mohammad Igbaria

Jandry Perez Garcia

Millie Peck

Samuel Bates

Nora Kohnhorst

Maddi Shinall

Cornelia Di Gioia

Gabriela Rożnawska Liv

Lucia’s

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Gets jealous of Galentine’s Day traditions and decides to recite poetry with their favorite bros on Mac Field. A passerby tells them to watch Dead Poets Society, but luckily they all fall asleep before making it to the end — cuddling was just too comfy.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Talks their way out of an awkward conversation with a Facilities Management worker when the sex swing they screwed into their dorm ceiling on Rose third floor ultimately could not handle the velocity of their late-night activities.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Hitchhikes to Lion’s Den in full uwu regalia to create a sexy surprise for their partner.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Stocks up on rose petals, bath bombs, duct tape and a plastic tarp at Walmart. East Campus dorms might not have bathtubs, but Libras are crafty and WILL be having a sexy spa night.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Finally achieves bingo on their campus boinking chart by taking a little adventure to the Burling Library jungle gym. Signs their name under the hang- ing lampshade to commemorate the passionate affair.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

One-on-one turns to four, then to 17 when half the football team decides to join in their intimate movie date showing of “The Proposal” just to get a peek at Ryan Reynolds.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Spends the evening alone in their dorm mourning their recent break up. Ends up knocking Oliva Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License” off the charts for best breakup ballads with a new single titled, “SO Many Squirrels.”