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T he ind epen d e n t s t u de n t ne w spap e r of t he Unive rsity of Pittsburgh | PIttnews.com | December 06, 2023 | Volume 114 | Issue 72

Student thoughts on Exams Vs Papers see page 2

Grading Pitt’s Fall Sports see page 4

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December 6, 2023

1 Annika Esseku | Contributing Editor

Students share thoughts on final exams versus essays Emily Handrahan Staff Writer

Lucy Lande said final essays provide a greater opportunity to exercise creativity than traditional final exams. “It can help your work stand out,” Lande, a first-year anthropology major, said. “And at least for me, it would make the topic more interesting to do and may make me care more about the project, enhancing my learning.” As another semester draws to a close, students across Pitt’s campus are preparing themselves for finals week. Different courses give different types of final assessments, such as exams, papers or projects, and students report mixed feelings as to which they prefer. Lande said while the majority of her finals are exams, she has some essays due as well. “Three-fifths of my classes are just exams, one is a final in-class essay, and one class has both a final essay and an exam,” Lande said. While writing a paper or completing a project may seem exciting, Lande touched on the advantages and disadvantages of these kinds of final assessments. “The advantages could be having the time or the ability to get feedback in office hours from professors, but the disadvantage is that these projects or essays would be longer and likely more difficult than a sit-down exam,” Lande said. Lande also said she personally prefers exams but added that it can differ from class to class. “I would prefer projects or papers as I would probably have more time to complete them, but again, it would depend on the class,” Lande said. “I wouldn’t want a multiple-choice exam for a writing class or an essay for a math class.” However, students like Jessica Rinaldi, a first-year psychology major, said exams are a better format for her. “I prefer exams because I personally never felt that projects thoroughly tested my knowledge at all,” Rinaldi said. “I think they are time-consuming and a waste because they are easier to make stuff up on.” Rinaldi has mostly exam finals this semester and said exams suit her learning style better than a creative project or paper. pittnews.com

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“I don’t like creative projects, so I dread those more than exams. I think it adds value to the learning experience for some, but not others,” Rinaldi said. Emma Sihavong, a first-year political science major, also has a variety of final formats for her courses this semester. “For my finals, I have one in-person exam, one online exam, a writing portfolio, and then a final story for my journalism course,” Sihavong said. When it comes to taking final exams, Sihavong finds herself “freaking out” and under a lot of stress. She said she prefers final papers over exams. “I feel like after exams I forget everything I study, but with writing papers or essays, I remember the research I spent hours looking for,” Sihavong said. “I also remember the random facts I’d find late at night when desperately searching for sources.” Students like Maya Koski, a first-year psychology major, agree with Sihavong on preferring paper or project finals over exams. Koski said exams do not always reflect a student's true abilities due to stress, lack of preparation or anxiety. “I think papers and projects show my knowledge better than an exam. They allow for more creativity and show what you learned from the course throughout the semester rather than exams,” Koski said. Koski further emphasized why she dislikes exam finals. “You are trying to figure out what you can do in the fastest amount of time rather than doing your best work,” Koski said. Students also want their finals to help prepare them for their future and jobs outside of college, according to Koski. “I think the papers and projects will prepare me for my future career because I know when I am in a higher position in business or marketing, I will have to show my knowledge and experience through projects and presentations,” Koski said. Koski also mentioned that projects and papers allow students to use practical applications of knowledge rather than memorizing information to fill out an exam. “I will not be given tests to show what I know in my future career. I will have to talk and interact with others to show what I know and pick my path of expertise, and I think projects or papers help craft this idea,” Koski said.

Students share favorite study spots on campus Briana Bindus Staff Writer

According to Claire Donnellan, the best places to study for finals are ones filled with other people “doing the same thing” as her. “I just need to be in an environment where people are going to get work done,” Donellan, a junior marketing and communications double major, said. “And my apartment is definitely not associated with that, it’s associated with lounging and chores.” With final exams, papers and projects due over the next two weeks, students are scrambling to finish their work, and to do so, a good place to study is essential. Across Pitt’s campus, there are plenty of enriching spots where students tend to go for the best study environment, such as Hillman Library, the William Pitt Union, the Cathedral of Learning and Posvar Hall. Maximus Cooper, a junior studying psychology, highlights Pitt’s main study attraction — Hillman Library. “It’s more of a comfortable area where there’s a lot of people who are already working,” Cooper said. "You just have to join in with everybody, lock in, and do your work.” Hillman is a popular spot for studying since it’s the campus’ biggest library. However, each floor of Hillman is accompanied by different levels of noise, which influences where students choose to study. “I like the second floor,” Cooper said, “Something about the second floor; it’s where everybody is louder, there are more people, and you can just see everybody else working.” Sophie Runia, a sophomore biology and German double major, goes to Hillman when she is studying with her friends because of the big whiteboards there. When deciding which level they will go to, she also prefers the second floor. “The second floor is not quite as intense as the first floor can be,” Runia said, “And people aren’t going to give you looks for talking, like on the fourth floor.” Since Hillman is such a popular study spot, it can be difficult finding a place to sit on any floor. Runia said despite Hillman being “full a lot of the time,” she doesn’t like studying at home because it’s not a place associated with learning for her. “I’ll go back to the apartment and study there, but it’s loud because I have roommates,” Runia said. “It’s important to find a little quiet place somewhere. The environment is really pittnews.com

Pitt students study in the William Pitt Union. Nate Yonamine | Senior Staff Photographer

important because, if you’re studying in places that you would do other activities, you’re much more likely to distract yourself, since it’s not a space meant for working.” When there is a lack of seating in Hillman and students are on the search for another study spot, Donnellan recommends visiting Pitt’s School of Medicine. “I may not be a medical student,” Donnellan said. “But I do go to the med school and study outside of Panera Bread. It’s cool and it makes me feel important.” Pitt’s med school is open late hours for students to access with a range of seating and a library on the first floor. Donnellan calls attention to another spot where students may not think to study — the Peterson Events Center. “The Pete actually doesn’t have bad study spots, and it has great food right by it,” Donnellan said. “Anywhere with some good lighting, so I can stay awake, and maybe some good treats around is always encouraging.” There are spots in every corner of Pitt’s campus for students to study in, regardless of a student's preferred environment. However, if students want to stay closer to middle campus, Caitlin Raehse, a sophomore studying social work, loves to study in the William Pitt Union. “I really like the Tansky Family Lounge in the Union,” Raehse said, “I like to go to places that are cozy, where there’s couches, maybe a fireplace or something like that.” If the first floor lounge of the WPU is busy, Raehse recommends other spots for studying as well. She said her “next best spot” is the ninth floor lounge of the Union, where there is more privacy, because she “studies best alone.”

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Column

Grading Pitt’s fall sports programs

Lily Peters Staff Writer

The 2023 fall semester at Pitt is coming to a close, marking the time for final grades and exams, as well as the conclusion of the fall sports season. As Pitt nears the end of the first semester of the 2023-24 school year, it's time to assess and evaluate the performance of each of the Pitt athletic teams whose seasons took place during this fall. Pitt athletics faced both successes and challenges this year. With the closing week of the first term,

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here are the performances of each fall sport by letter grade. These assigned grades reflect the teams’ performances with a comparison of improvement from previous seasons. Volleyball: A+ Pitt volleyball undoubtedly stands out as one of the top Pitt teams — this season is nothing short of outstanding. Under head coach Dan Fisher, the program has had much success over the past few years. The team ended their regular season with an overall record of 27-4 and a conference record of 16-2. The Panthers are currently seed-

ed as No. 1 in the country in the NCAA tournament. The team is still going for an NCAA national championship title. For the fourth consecutive season, the Panthers are going on to the Sweet Sixteen. Breakout players, such as first-year Olivia Babcock and Torrey Stafford, added to the team’s success. Stafford has 334 kills and 384.5 points on the season, while Babcock has 377 kills and 476 points. Overall, this team proves its dominance over all other Pitt sports. Football: F Pitt football is receiving the poorest performance and grade. The team struggled mightily this season. After facing numerous offensive miscues and personnel struggles, including the lack of a reliable quarterback and wide receiver unit for the majority of the season, the team finished with a final record of 3-9 and a conference record of 2-6 in the ACC. The Panthers’ failures are attributed to the ineffective offense, frequent turnovers and inability to score points. Head Coach Pat Narduzzi will need to find some answers this off-season — including the hiring of a capable offensive coordinator — if the team hopes to come back after an embarrassing 2023 season.

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Senior midfielder Chloe Minas (15) celebrates after the team’s win against Ohio State in the first round of the NCAA tournament at the Petersen Sports Complex on Saturday, Nov. 11. Nate Yonamine | Senior Staff Photographer

Women’s Soccer: A Pitt women’s soccer had quite a successful season. The team made it to the Elite Eight in the NCAA Tournament and ended the season with 17-6-1 and 6-2-1 in the conference. The Panthers concluded the 2023 season by achieving a record-breaking 17 wins, marking the highest number of victories in the history of the program.

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THE

Column

Pitt athletes who excelled MANOR in their final year FRI, Dec. 8-THURS, dec. 14

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Maestro(R) Fri: 1:50, 4:25, 7:00, 9:35 Sat & Sun: 1:50, 4:25, 7:00, 9:35 Mon, Tue & Wed: 1:50, 4:25, 7:00, 9:35 Thu: 1:50, 4:25, 7:00, 9:35

the ACC and ranked 12th nationally in punt mances from their senior players. Senior forward Blake Hinson is arguably return average during his 2022 season. Napoleon (R) one of the most valuable players for Pitt men's Soccer Fri: 3:40, 6:45 9:50 As the semester winds down, many stuBoth Pitt men’s and women’s soccer had im- basketball currently. He averaged 15.3 points Sat & Sun: 12:35, 3:40, 6:45, 9:50 Mon, Tue & Wed: 3:40, 6:45 9:50 dents anticipate the long-awaited break from pressive runs this season. Women’s soccer had per game and scored in double figures 30 times Thu: 1:55 campus and classes. But before that can hap- a historic season, reaching its first-ever Elite with 15 or more points in a game on 19 ocThe Boy and the Heron (Subbed) (PG - 13) pen, students must make one last push through Eight appearance. casions in his 2022 season. He ranks third allDaily: 7:10, 9:40 the upcoming finals week. After falling to Florida State, there’s one time in program history for three-point field The Boy and the Heron (Dubbed) (PG - 13) With the fall semester quickly ending, let's player whose skill and ability the Panthers goals made in a season and has already made Fri: 2:10, 4:40 Sat & Sun: 11:40, 2:10, 4:40 take some time to reflect on some student-ath- will miss next season. Fifth-year forward 30 in the seven games played so far in this 2023 Mon, Tue & Wed: 2:10, 4:40 letes who had memorable careers and played Amanda West was an asset to this Panthers season. Thu: 2:10, 4:40 for their final seasons as Panthers this fall se- team throughout her career in Pittsburgh. For volleyball, senior outside hitter Cat The Hunger Games: mester. She was selected to the All-ACC Second and Flood is a consistently valuable player to the The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (PG-13) Fri: 3:45, 6:50, 9:55 Football Third Team and was named to the United Panthers this year. As a first-year, she helped Sat & Sun: 12:40, 3:45, 6:50, 9:55 Pitt football (3-9, 2-6 ACC) wrapped up Soccer Coaches’ All-Atlantic Region Second the Panthers make it to their first NCAA Elite Mon, Tue & Wed: 3:45, 6:50, 9:55 Thu: 3:45, 6:50, 9:55 their 2023 season with some highs and lows and Third Team. West was also picked for the Eight appearance in program history. Wonka (PG) for the team and players. There are a few fa- All-ACC Academic Team and ACC Academic In her 2022 season, she helped the Panthers Thu: 4:55, 7:20, 9:45 miliar faces who had some great performances Honor Roll three times each. Lastly, she leads to a 17-1 conference record and the most wins during their time as Panthers that fans won’t the program in multiple career statistical cat- in a single season since 1990. This season, she’s see back at Acrisure Stadium next year. egories such as points, points per game, goals, had several kills and digs for the Panthers, and Movies & Showtimes subject to change - visit manorpgh.com Senior wide receiver Bub Means trans- goals per game, overtime goals, penalty kick will hopefully help her team punch their ticket MON-THURS $7 ferred to Pitt from Louisiana Tech in 2022 and goals, game-winning goals and career three- to the Elite Eight once again with a win against AFTER 6PM WITH A VALID STUDENT ID FRI-SUN $8 quickly made a name for himself here. Last plus point games. Washington State this upcoming Thursday, 412-422-7729 SQUIRREL HILL TAKE 61B, C, D BUS f 1729 MURRAY AVE. season, he had 27 receptions for 401 yards and Men’s soccer had a solid season, which Dec. 7, at the Fitzgerald Field House. two touchdowns for the season. He also played came to an end with their first-round loss to a crucial role in the Panthers' Sun Bowl win James Madison in the NCAA tournament last against UCLA last December. This season he month. improved even more, averaging 60.1 yards per There’s one player who has made substangame and putting up six touchdowns for the tial contributions to this Pitt team over the Panthers this fall. years and has just wrapped up his final season Senior defensive back M.J. Devonshire as a Panther. Senior midfielder Filip Mirkovic came to Pitt for the 2021 season and put in has amassed a long list of accolades during an enormous amount of defensive work for his time period as a Panther. Even as a firstthe Panthers during his time here. His most year, Mirkovic made a name for himself, earnnotable play was his pick-six late in the fourth ing All-ACC Freshman Team and CollegeSocquarter that won the Panthers the 2022 Back- cerNews All-Freshman Team honors. From yard Brawl game against West Virginia. He also there, he's gone on to receive other honors, served as Pitt’s primary punt returner, leading such as making the TopDrawerSoccer’s Best XI Third Team and TopDrawerSoccer’s Men’s Top 100 Postseason List at No. 31. Mirkovic’s 12 assists during the 2022 season marked a new program record in a season. These 12 assists also led the ACC and ranked sixth in the NCAA. Basketball and Volleyball Although their seasons haven’t yet finished, Redshirt senior wide receiver Bub Means (0) catches a pass for both basketball and a touchdown during a game against FSU at Acrisure Stadium volleyball have already seen some stellar perforon Saturday, Nov. 4. Pamela Smith | Contributing Editor December 6, 2023 pittnews.com 5

Camille de Jesus Staff Writer

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Pitt Ballet Club brings holiday classic ‘The Nutcracker’ to Bellefield Hall

Daniella Levick Staff Writer

Family and friends filed into Bellefield Hall’s cozy auditorium, making it swell with anticipation and excitement. When the lights dimmed and the ballet’s iconic soundtrack burst from the speakers, a hush fell over the audience. Pitt Ballet Club brought Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker” to life on Sunday, Dec. 3, with back-to-back performances at 1 p.m. and 5 p.m in Bellefield Hall. Ballet Club president Lily Pattengill, administrative vice president Victoria Pereira and artistic vice president Callie Laubacher led the entirely student-run production. Admission to “The Nutcracker” was free, but the Pitt chapter of Movement Exchange sold mini flower bouquets, and Ballet Club sold their merchandise and raffle tickets to fundraise at the event. “The Nutcracker” was the club’s end-of-term performance and featured dancers of varying experience. Owen Gaskill, a junior civil engineering major, danced the role of the Nutcracker in his first ever ballet production. Gaskill recently joined Ballet Club and said he did so because of a lifelong interest in dance. “I’ve always wanted to dance,” Gaskill said. “Last semester I joined Pitt Ballet Club, just kind of on a whim.” As a new dancer with the club, Gaskill said ballet’s inherent difficulty challenged him, but overall, he considers himself lucky because of his opportunities as one of the few male dancers in the club. “Ballet is definitely one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done,” Gaskill said. “It’s really lucky, I’m one of three guys in the production, so I’m kind of guaranteed a role, [which is] nice.” Gaskill said it was difficult to dive in with everyone because of the discrepancy in skill and experience, but he is grateful that he gets to dance

with them, especially with the character of Clara, played by Emma Luczak. “Everyone here is just so talented. Emma [Luczak], who I’m dancing with, she’s Clara, she’s been dancing since she was like three, so she’s just incredible in general, and you’ll see it out on stage,” Gaskill said. “It’s so difficult just jumping right in

messes that happen because we’re all students,” Pattengill said. “There are always little things that happen, like people showing up late or things not working out how they were supposed to.” The audience was very responsive throughout the performance. Laughter and shock rippled through the auditorium when some of the mice

Owen Gaskill, a junior civil engineering major, dances as the Nutcracker in his first-ever ballet production with the Ballet Club at Pitt in Bellefield Hall. Ethan Shulman | Visual Editor

with everyone else who’s just so fantastic and talented, [but] I just feel so grateful to be able to dance with them.” Bright lights and bejeweled costumes beautified the ballet, but the process to bring the production to life was not always as glamorous. Lily Pattengill, an athletic training graduate student, said the production being completely student-run created some challenges. “There’s so many last minute challenges and

ran through the crowd, and Clara and the Nutcracker’s pas de deux garnered gasps and thunderous applause. Nora Johnson, first-year biology major, saw “The Nutcracker” for the time on Sunday. She said it was great overall, and she loved getting to watch her friend and Clara dance the most. “I loved it! It was really good,” Johnson said. “I loved watching my friend dance, she was one of the angels, but I also thought Clara was really

good!” Pitt Ballet Club stayed true to classic productions of “The Nutcracker” through the inclusion of characters like the angels, but the club also creatively reimagined elements to bring humor to the stage. Pattengill, dancing as the Rat King — or Queen — forwent the traditional Rat King costume, instead donned a black boxing robe bedazzled with the word “rat” and a crown. The audience chuckled at this unexpected detail but full-belly laughed when a miniature car, with one squeaky-wheel, ultimately carted Pattengill off stage as a makeshift stretcher. With the threat of finals on the horizon, “The Nutcracker” brought some much-needed humor and holiday cheer to campus. Bellefield Hall was the picture of festivity, with a fully lit Christmas tree, piles of presents and paper snowflakes and peppermints adorning the stage. The ballet’s iconic musical score and the sound of pointe shoes kissing the stage added to the nostalgia of the classic Christmas production. The students involved in the production had to juggle preparing for “The Nutcracker” with making sure their study habits remained on point. Gaskill said balancing rehearsals and studying was challenging, but ultimately, he finds ballet stress relieving, and it gives him a break from other work. “It’s definitely been difficult balancing the workload,” Gaskill said. “But it’s also a great stress reliever and break, honestly.” Pattengill said the thought of the audience enjoying “The Nutcracker” motivated her and that the hard work was worth it despite the challenges because ballet is something she loves. “When I’m working on costumes and everything, or planning everything, I just think about how much fun everybody else is gonna have,” Pattengill said. “It’s something that I care about, it’s something that I really love, so it all kind of makes it worth it.”

Pitt students perform during a dress rehearsal for The Nutcracker presented by the Ballet Club at Pitt in Bellefield Hall. Ethan Shulman | Visual Editor

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WPTS Radio hosts Snowed-In Showcase featuring Pittsburgh acts Rainclashh, Moontown and James Castle Quinn Cilea Staff Writer

WPTS Radio outreach assistant station manager Andrew Klepeis said the station’s relationship with local artists helps bring local Pittsburgh music to campus. “We have like a pretty big repertoire of bands that we can pull from, either bands that have played live shows before or we just know them, or perhaps they’ve played shows around Oakland, and we're just familiar with them,” Klepeis, a senior political science major, said. WPTS, Pitt’s student-run radio station, hosted their Snowed-In Showcase at Nordy’s Place in the William Pitt Union on Friday night. The event featured local Pittsburgh bands and artists Rainclashh, Moontown and James Castle. WPTS hosts an annual winter showcase, and this year Klepeis helped organize the event for the station. The promotion staff, led by promotions director Mina Beach, booked the three artists who performed at the event. Students filled Nordy’s Place, some coming and going, but most staying for the whole show. Free slushies were available, a treat that was a hit with all that attended. At the entrance to Nordy’s Place, WPTS set up a table for audience members to purchase band merchandise. Rainclashh, who performed first, is a rapper and DJ. She had an upbeat energy, playing original songs and a few covers. She cited Rihanna as a musical inspiration, which was evident by her covers of the artist’s songs. The second act to perform was the band Moontown. Moontown consists of five members — lead and rhythm guitarists, a bass guitarist, a keyboardist and a drummer. The lead singer, Lucas DiBlasi, was not alone in his vocals, accompanied by harmonization from his

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bandmates. DiBlasi said the band is a product of the Pitt Afropop class bringing them together. “Dom [Frankeny], Mike [Stolarz] and I met at class and I was recording songs for the music composition major at Pitt and I sent one to Mike and he was like, ‘Whoa, we got to make this a band,’ and then we were looking for a bassist … and then Mike knew James [Rankin], and James’s roommate was Aidan [Carroll], and it just kind of came together,” DiBlasi said The band started playing basement shows in Oakland but now play at larger venues. Moontown, self-described as “dream rock,” played a new song called “Fall Again” during their set, giving students a first listen. DiBlasi said the show gave a sneak peek into Moontown’s future releases. “We also are coming out with an album in mid February and are going to have an album release show,” DiBlasi said. “It’s called ‘Are There Any Places That You Frequent In Your Dreams,’ and it’s coming out February 16.” The third and final band to perform at the showcase was James Castle. The band performed an abrasive, high-energy brand of rock, with shoegaze, punk and hardcore influences. First-year biology major Cassandra Scripkunas said Castle delivered her favorite performance of the showcase. “I think it was very vibey,” Scripkunas said. “[My friend] told me about it, she’s on the radio. I think [James Castle] was my favorite because they were more rock.” Castle’s performance was full of energy and got the crowd moving. The sound system on the Nordy’s stage momentarily experienced some feedback issues, but the event continued smoothly. Klepeis said he has high hopes for future

Moontown, one of Pitt’s student groups, performs during the WPTS Snowed-In Showcase on Friday in Nordy’s Place. Patrick Swain | Contributing Editor

WPTS radio music showcases. He and other WPTS directors hope to employ some new ideas they learned at the College Broadcasters Conference in Florida earlier in the semester. “I think we’re going to have another showcase in February. That’s kind of more Valentine themed,” Klepeis said. “There’s gonna be a lot happening in spring. We’re gonna be booking a Bigelow Bash opener, which I’m excited to find out … we went to the College Broadcasters Conference in October, and we met a bunch of people from other radio stations and we got so many new, cool ideas and

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we might even be working with some other college radio stations, not locals, but in western PA.” The event took around two hours in total, and the breaks between bands were no longer than a few minutes, so the music was in full swing all night. Klepeis also expressed admiration for James Castle’s sound. “James Castle is more of [a] harsher [sound], more straight-up rock, kind of noisier,” Klepeis said. “They’re probably my favorite of the three, but that’s just my opinion.”

Opinion

Romanticizing finals week is necessary to get through it Delaney Rauscher Adams Staff Columnist

Finals season is upon us, and many of us are feeling the pressure of our upcoming final papers and cumulative exams. In this generally miserable time with mountains of work and a painfully early sunset, it’s difficult to remain in good spirits as the end of the semester approaches. I prefer to shift my perspective on the hectic end of the semester to a more positive outlook. Gaslighting myself into viewing finals season as an enjoyable and productive time proves to be a

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surprisingly effective strategy in making the entire experience more bearable. This idea of romanticization is a popular way to idealize other unfortunate situations, but we often get too caught up in wanting to rip our hair out during finals to properly employ this strategy. Take a step back before you enter this hectic time to plan your productivity aesthetic to ensure a properly glamorized finale to your semester. One of my favorite activities is committing to a pointless library session. Setting up shop in Hillman for hours with a coffee and the promise I will force myself to complete assignments is a

fun change of pace. But 15 minutes into my work, I will find myself distracted with the daily crossword or a riveting game of 2048. The plus side of this endeavor is looking mysterious and studious, which is essentially just as important as finishing my work. Let’s also try to reframe our resentment for the approaching winter. I’m constantly hearing complaints about the cold weather and the shortened days. Perhaps the better way to look at it is that it’s far more cozy this time of year. Put on that sweater and scarf, get a hot latte and embrace the dark academia winter aesthetic to its fullest extent. Maybe

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Fikayomi Olagbami | Senior Staff Illustrator

you’ll even end up on Pitt Missed Connections if you look cool enough. It’s honestly endearing and frankly adorable that so many college students hole up together in the library for hours and exist in collective suffering. This shared struggle fosters a real sense of community and an unspoken bond created through emotional turmoil. My friends will often order TacoBell delivery to Hillman and slurp on Baja Blasts to numb the pain of their Biology exam or make ridiculous Kahoots to display in the third floor study rooms after midnight. This is truly the way to go when reading over your notes just isn’t cutting it any longer. As an English major, I miss out on many of the more social aspects of finals season. This can make a huge difference in how entertaining these weeks are. While I prefer writing papers, I feel for us non-test-takers who can't reap the benefits of group study sessions or public Quizlets. I’m just a girl who wants to use pastel highlighters and take unnecessarily cute notes, too! Despite the lack of flashcards and textbooks, the gloomy humanities major vibes are arguably more trendy and esoteric than those of your classmates, so make sure to take full advantage and read your favorite classic novel on Cathy first floor to maximize your academic appearance. To grind out your essays, drink some Panera Charged Lemonade and park yourself somewhere until finishing. Only allow yourself a bathroom break every five hundred words or you will find yourself taking frequent strolls rather than writing. Additionally, allowing your STEM friends to edit your papers while they take a study break from organic chemistry can also be a good way to get in on the finals fun and will hopefully help convince them that your major is in fact real and just as challenging. In all seriousness, enjoying the small things during difficult times is a wonderful way to make everything more pleasant. As we head into finals week, remember to take time for yourself and indulge in the things that make studying more fun for you. Spend time with your friends, get a little treat because you deserve it or post an Instagram story making you look more productive than you really are if that’s what will get you through it. Delaney Rauscher Adams wishes you all luck as this semester comes to a close, reach out to her at dgr17@pitt.edu.

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December 6, 2023

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Satire

Beyond the Grimoire: Unveiling the hidden dangers of desperate exam magic

Livia LaMarca

Assistant Opinions Editor

In the mystical world of academia, there comes a time in every student’s studying regime when they ask themselves — what wouldn’t I do to get a good grade on this exam? What lengths would I go to score well on this paper or project? Some choose the path of all-night study sessions. They’ll give up their sleep for the sake of the perfect grade. For others, sneakily flirting with the mystical and walking the line between acceptable aid and cheating is the desired method. They spend precious hours painstakingly writing small definitions on enchanted notecards or inscribing complicated equations into the back of calculators to grant subtle advantages on test day. Those whose finals consist of papers or projects may call out to the ethereal ChatGPT gods, begging for prompt ideas or sometimes even full paragraphs. But for a daring few, the price they are willing to pay is more. Trading sleep or risking exposure pales in comparison to the allure of casting spells and playing magical tricks. They will risk and give up more to ensure the benefits they lust for. They are willing to cast spells and burn bridges, speak to the dead and sacrifice what little gold they have to reach their desired outcomes. Now you might be wondering, are finals worth such a cost? Are paltry exams or final portfolios worth the demonic hexes and potential curses to follow? I implore all who read this today to not waste their magical talents for frivolous means. Your GPA is a tapestry, salvageable by any powerful witch who knows how to navigate its intricacies. To those unwilling to traverse into the dark arts, a favor to Athena rewards plentiful. But those skeptical of the gods may place amethyst and moonstone on one’s desk to inspire wisdom and intellect as well. For those truly tempted enough to turn to sorcery and enchantment, heed the warnings of your

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spell. Magic comes with a price, and it is one you must be willing to pay. You must ask yourself — are you willing to barter your soul? Sell your happiness? Relinquish your free time to prayer and your friendships for knowledge? These are the sacrifices you must pay if what you desire is truly worth the cosmic toll. To some apprentices of knowledge, final exams pose no anguish or torment. A far more ominous, much more frightening test’s shadow looms dangerously in the distance. After the frigid grasp of winter’s chill comes the rejuvenating spring where blossoms return and the clouds in many minds wisp away. The ephemeral glow of the sun bathes the academic campus and infuses into the fabric of our very own magic. But darkness persists for many. It encroaches upon our hearts and our souls, eating away at our consciousness until it consumes the very essence of our mind’s thought. No sun for us. No laughter for us. Instead, there exists only the soul-clenching ordeal of standardized tests that, like malevolent specters, relentlessly shatter the fortitude of a scholar. We hear the whispers of our forefathers and of those both in and outside the academic coven that we should refuse to let these shadows consume us. That our future applications are considered holistically. But any student studying for one of these standardized exams knows that these sentiments are fruitless. Our scores carry heavy weight, and sacrifices are inevitable. We’ve all worked so hard and for so long to muddle everything now. We’re willing to sacrifice everything, cast any spell necessary. I too am on the same path as many of you, and I share this fable of academic desperation as a reminder to both myself and any other witch willing to make such sacrifices. We are not the first sorcerers succumbing to the darkness in need of other strategies, nor shall we be the last. We will all do what is necessary and give up whatever we must.

An ancient legend tells the story of three diligent scholars — one studying for the MCAT, one studying for the LSAT and one studying for the GRE. The three cast a great spell many fortnights ago, hoping to secure highly elusive, coveted scores. The pre-med sorceress harbored dreams of going to med school at John Hopkins and didn’t want to watch her years of academic success lay in ruin to an abominable MCAT score. The pre-law enchantress desired to traverse the realms of the big law field and become a corporate lawyer, understanding that the path to such heights requires an education from a top law school. The seeker of the perfect GRE score needed scholarship money to fund their educational aspirations, but getting such gold is near impossible without an impeccable score. Motivated by their distinct ambitions, these three young witches committed wholly to their mystical pursuit, allowing detriment to tail their wake. They forsook their friends, cloistered in their rooms and kept away from the sun to complete their prayers. They waited in solitude, shut out from the rest of the world, for the night they were to complete their incantation — the night before all their examinations. With ancient grimoire in hand, they shared a kindred like no other. They had prepared for months, doing nothing else but committing themselves fully to the interweaving of study and prayer. They set their candles, incense and herbs upon an altar. They lit them one by one — orange for career, yellow for intellect, blue for tranquility — and watched the wax run down to singe the cinnamon, tea and eucalyptus. Lighting the incense, the three began to pray and chant. They begged the gods to grant them knowledge and success, intoning every spell within their mystical arsenal. The pre-law student, fluent in the ancient tongue of Latin, concluded their enchantment with one final prayer —

December 6, 2023

Fikayomi Olagbami | Senior Staff Illustrator

“Cupimus scientiam, nihil aliud refert,” meaning “We desire intellect, nothing else matters.” Their desires manifested and each got the score they had wanted, yet a toll had been taken from each witch — pieces of their essences surrendered to the gods in exchange for their coveted outcomes. They had been sequestered for too long and had missed out on quality time with other members of the coven. They stopped praying and casting spells for other virtues nor crafted midnight charms to protect themselves from their demons. Their academic marks suffered, their kinships suffered and most importantly their minds dimmed to shadows. They were not the same witches they once were before casting the great spell. Instead, they were miserable, hollow shells who had missed out on so much of the world around them. They were empty and tired, too weary to continue on their journeys. They had sacrificed too much and used all of their power, draining their essence and losing time that will never be returned.

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December 6, 2023