4-1-16

Sean Miller shocker: HE‛S BEEN HERE ALL ALONG Jeremy Tepper Senior Staff Writer

In an elaborate scheme inspired by a Nicolas Cage movie, Sean Miller revealed Thursday that he’s the new Pitt basketball coach.

Three days after Pitt held a press conference to introduce former Vanderbilt coach Kevin Stallings as the new coach, the administration shocked Pitt fans by unmasking another coach — literally. Bewildered media members gasped when Miller revealed himself, pulling off an extremely life-like mask of Stallings.

Miller, a Pittsburgh native and Pitt basketball alum, left his head coaching job at the University of Arizona to take the same opening at Pitt. The idea, Miller said, was inspired by the 1997 movie Face/Off, where Cage and John Travolta both receive face transplants.

Miller said he was watching the movie when Pitt Athletic Director Scott Barnes called him about the job opening. Miller recounted the conversation, and said Barnes told him, “I’ve got a great idea: you become Pitt’s new coach.” Miller then replied, “I accept, but I have a better idea: Let’s torture the Pitt fan base first.”

“I figured if Nic Cage can do it, why can’t I? Every great coverup in American history is inspired by Cage movies,” Miller said, citing the 2004 film “National Treasure.”

After opening statements by Miller and Barnes, reporters hit the duo with an onslaught of questions.

Most prominently, why execute such an elaborate cover up? Miller, a prodigious Cage fan, said he wanted to bring notoriety back to Cage’s acting prowess, which he believes has been forgotten over the years.

“Cage is the greatest actor of our time,” Miller said. “Leo [DiCaprio] gets an Oscar for The Revenant, but Nic can’t get one for Con

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Air? The Academy is a sham.”

Though Miller didn’t quite go to the lengths that Cage did in Face/Off, the custommade Stallings mask cost several thousand dollars, Miller said. Barnes said he was initially skeptical of the idea, though changed his mind after Miller went on a passionate rant about Ghost Rider.

“It’s called delayed gratification. It’s more fulfilling this way,” Barnes said. “Plus, it’s not like Pitt fans have suffered that much.”

Barnes did not disclose contract information, though Miller said he received “a million dollars for every Oscar Cage deserves.” One confused media member then asked, “does that mean you’re coaching for free?” Miller, puzzled, began listing off letters of the alphabet, perhaps a reference to his hero’s performance in “A Vampire’s Kiss.”

Though Miller spoke highly of his six years at Arizona, he said he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to return to his alma mater.

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“The sunny days and top-notch basketball facilities just weren’t cutting it anymore,” Miller said. “There’s nothing better than wildly fluctuating weather and a dormant recruiting base.”

In regards to the style of play Miller will bring to Pitt, he said his teams will play fast offensively and press defensively.

“Faster than Ghost Rider’s motorcycle,” Miller said.

Also accompanying Miller at the press conference was DJ Khaled, who he revealed will serve as his top assistant.

Khaled, a famed hip-hop music producer, has gained recent notoriety for his snapchats, many of which offer motivational advice.

Though Khaled has no previous coaching or playing experience, he frequently is seen sitting courtside at Miami Heat games. He was not hired for his basketball knowledge, Miller said, but for his enthusiasm and motivational tactics.

“If DJ Khaled can’t get our athletes to play hard, no one can,” Miller said, noting that effort is a major key to winning basketball games.

Following the press conference, Khaled was seen coaching Pitt forward Jamel Artis. After every made basket, Khaled shouted “another one.”

Miller, Barnes and Khaled all spoke of their high expectations for the team. The Pitt basketball program hasn’t made a Final Four since 1941, though Khaled said he expects to break that trend in his first year.

“They don’t want us to win a national championship,” Khaled said. “So we’re going to win a national championship.”

After reporters were finished asking questions, Barnes issued a closing statement.

“For anybody who thinks that I would mess this hire up, in the words of our new assistant coach, ‘congratulations, you played yourself.’”

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CATHEDRAL LIGHTING UP FOR HIGH GRADES Andrew O’Brien Staff Writer

Even though the football season is over, that doesn’t mean Pitt has turned the victory lights off.

Fans who have noticed the lights shining more frequently — and seemingly without reason — this spring can thank junior finance major Terry Anderson.

In a statement issued Thursday, Pitt said it has been turning the lights on every time Anderson gets an A on an exam — not just for the University’s athletic accomplishments.

And Anderson has been doing great this semester — he’s on track to earn at least a 3.5 GPA. “All of the faculty and administration came together and agreed that Terry’s accomplishments in his school work are really a microcosm of Pitt’s values and expectations,” Chancellor Patrick Gallagher said in a statement.

Anderson’s professors report that his attendance and participation have been nothing short of stellar and have elevated him above most high-achieving students. His mother said his performance has drastically improved compared to last semester.

“I mean, that’s kind of cool, I guess,” Anderson, who describes himself as “just an average guy,” said. “I didn’t think getting an A- on my exam was that big of a deal.”

Gallagher, though, disagreed.

“I couldn’t be prouder of Terry,” he said, “especially since he’s pulled his grades up from last semester. I was worried about him last year, that intermediate microeconomics class wasn’t going so well, but he’s really shown us that he is capable of doing really well in his classes. And that’s worth rewarding — in a big, bright way.”

Pitt puts salaries in temporary freezer

Andrew O’Brien

Staff Writer When Pennsylvania legislators held Pitt’s state funding hostage for eight months this year, University administrators took a hit where it counts: their wal-

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lets.

In response to the budget uncertainty last month, Chancellor Patrick Gallagher recommended that the Board of Trustees’ Compensation Committee freeze his salary and the salaries of six other senior ad-

ministrators.

And thank God they did.

The University Times reported that the administrators, who are some of the highest paid employees at Pitt, would take an indefinite salary freeze until the state resolved the impasse.

Martha Bellmont, an adjunct English professor at Pitt and single mother, teaches two nonfiction writing classes a week and makes $24,000 annually. She said her gratitude for the nobility and altruism of senior administration knows no boundaries.

“Instead of slashing my salary, Gallagher and the rest took the loss upon themselves. Put quite simply, they are heroes,“ Bellmont said, folding her arms tightly to better fit into her 5-by-6 office. “Sure, I may still be without job security, but at least I know I can keep providing my children with at least two meals a day this year.”

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The freezes affected Senior Vice Chancellor for Health Sciences and Dean of the School of Medicine Arthur Levine’s $847,500 salary, Gallagher’s $525,000 salary and Senior Vice Chancellor and Provost Patricia Beeson’s $420,000 salary.

In addition, the trustees froze Senior Vice Chancellor and Chief Financial Officer Arthur Ramicone’s $400,000 salary, Senior Vice Chancellor for Engagement and Chief of Staff Kathy Humphrey’s $395,000 salary and Senior Vice Chancellor and Chief Legal Officer Geovette Washington’s $395,000 salary.

“All I can say,” Bellmont said, “is thank you.”

At press time, Bellmont was seen in the University Bookstore measuring a clearance poster of the Cathedral of Learning to see if it would fit in her office.

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21

Tyler Boyd enters draft, sort of Dan Sostek Sports Editor

See Boyd on page 7

The Pitt news crossword 4/1/16

Former Pitt wide receiver Tyler Boyd is a warrior on the field, but he recently realized he signed up for the wrong battle.

Due to a mishap at the Panthers’ appearance in the 2015 Military Bowl, Boyd accidentally signed up for the United States Military’s draft, rather than the NFL Draft that he intended on entering.

Boyd said he received a pamphlet at the bowl game from an officer, with large font saying “DRAFT” on the top.

“I just assumed that at a football bowl game with so much talent, that the NFL must have issued the pamphlet,” Boyd said. “I guess I just forgot what bowl we were in, and who we were playing.”

Boyd, who competed against the Navy Midshipmen in Annapolis, Maryland, logged on to the URL the pamphlet listed, entitled nationaldraft.com.

Navy head coach Ken Niumatalolo, who has participated in numerous Military Bowls, said this has been a recurring problem at the Military Bowl.

“It’s something we’ve been trying to address for years,” Niumatalolo said. “This has happened countless times. We really need to stop putting those pamphlets in the locker rooms.”

Boyd received an email from a command officer in the Navy Seals on Wednesday, notifying the wideout that the elite unit had interest in the super-athletic Boyd.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Boyd said. “I respect the heck out of the Seals, but I’m a football player.”

Thinking that he had already signed up for the NFL’s draft, Boyd has missed the league’s deadline. His appearance at the NFL Combine was due to a league clerical error, per a source.

Various websites have listed Boyd as a po-

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April 1, 2016

20

NO PLACE LIKE A BERNIE RALLY

Dorothy, the peregrine falcon, made a surprise appearance at Bernie Sanders’ first Pittsburgh rally. Kate Koenig VISUAL EDITOR

Zoë Hannah

Assistant News Editor Just months after we thought we lost her for good, Dorothy, the Cathedral of Learning’s peregrine falcon, is back. And this time, she’s supporting democratic socialism.

Four months after the National Aviary announced the assumed death of the prestigious peregrine falcon, Dorothy smashed through the windows of the David Lawrence Convention Center to support presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders in his first Pittsburgh rally. Dorothy’s

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revitalization comes just a week after the death of her former mate E2, raising eyebrows and starting rumors about issues with the couple.

“Dorothy didn’t seem happy once E2 arrived. I should’ve known she was out looking for another mate, and not dead alone somewhere in the woods ,” Kate St. John, a Pittsburgh birdwatcher and former WQED director of information technology, said. “Never believe those pessimists.”

Even though the death of E2 wasn’t enough to bring her back, the arrival of a 74-year-old senator from Vermont

seemed to spark Dorothy’s interest.

Just minutes into Sanders’ speech, which focused mainly on labor unions, Dorothy swooped to the podium, perched on the edge and gazed into Sanders’ eyes with her much smaller, beady eyes.

“I feel the Bern,” Dorothy squawked at Sanders, who paused and smiled. “Do you feel the bird?”

Dustin Thomson, a Pitt senior and Sanders supporter, said the exchange made him swoon.

“The two definitely had a connection,” Thomson said. “I was really shocked to see Dorothy again, too, because I thought

April 1, 2016

she was like, dead.”

Not everyone welcomed her with open arms, though. According to local falcon photographer Jane Slavik, Dorothy’s return is insulting to the falcon’s fan community.

“We take pride in knowing where our birds are. We’re really happy to see her and all, but her reappearance leaves an ugly mark on our reputation,” Slavik said.

Though Dorothy’s body was never found, police determined her death in December 2015. It wasn’t until Sanders’ speech Thursday morning that Slavik See Bernie on page 7

19

Boyd, pg. 5 tential first or second round draft pick. Now, Boyd’s selection is in jeopardy, as he unsuccessfully petitioned NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for an extended deadline due to his mishap.

“Our league is the epitome of integrity,” Goodell said. “In a league with stars like Terrell Suggs, James Harrison and Greg Hardy, there is no room for someone who cannot meet deadlines. That’s where we draw the line.”

Without a chance of entering the NFL this year, Boyd said he is unsure of his plans for the upcoming season, as he lost his NCAA eligibility by signing with an agent.

But Boyd is taking the snafu in stride and hoping to use his free time wisely.

“Maybe I’ll climb Everest or try to watch every single Jean-Claude Van Damme film,” Boyd said. “The possibilities are limitless.”

Teams aren’t concerned by Boyd’s mistake, as long as he doesn’t have another mix-up.

“He’ll still be a first or second rounder next year,” an anonymous NFC scout said. “As long as he doesn’t enlist next time.”

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Bernie, pg. 6 and local police realized the Cathedraldwelling bird is alive.

After a similar incident in Portland, where a small bird flew up and landed on his podium during a rally, the Sanders campaign is becoming widely known as a haven for birds of all kinds — chickadee, falcon or otherwise.

“These young people are asking, ‘Where are all these birds coming from?’”

Sanders said. “The support they give is unprecedented, they always know how to make an entrance.”

As Sanders left the city for New York, sources say, a diverse flock of birds flew over his van, squawking all the way.

But Dorothy wasn’t one of them.

Just after Sanders’ security guards removed Dorothy from the podium Thursday morning, the falcon reunited with her Cathedral friends.

“We’re so glad she’s back,” Slavik said.

“Our girl missed us, and we sure did miss her, too.”

Tall order: Pitt adds another SBUX Matt Maielli Staff Writer

The University announced plans Thursday morning to construct a new Starbucks franchise on the top floor of the Cathedral of Learning.

This will be the 20th Starbucks within a square mile of the University campus, including campus-affiliated and non-affiliated local chains. Construction will begin for the new establishment Monday.

University spokesperson John Fedele expressed his excitement at “this wonderful opportunity,” though it was hard to hear him over the dings of raucous cashiers’ registers coming from every direction.

The new store will offer all drinks and variations that exist at a regular Starbucks, but it will be out of whatever special order you want, especially when you are in a hurry.

“We’ve been sitting on this idea for a

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while,” Starbucks’ East Coast President Carl Mel Americano said. “We just want to make sure that the students and faculty have access to our product at all times and conveniences.”

The University Honors College, which takes up the 35th and 36th floors of the Cathedral, heavily advocated for the location.

Despite offering students free coffee, honors students rare trips off of the 35th and 36th floors are usually mindless journeys to get coffee elsewhere.

“I mean, we have to leave [the Honors College floors] sometime,” said Honors student Danah Hower. “But since we’re studying all the time, why would we leave for anything but coffee? Sometimes the brew up here gets a little boring.”

The new location on the very top floor See Starbucks on page 14

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Pitt leaves student section no choice

Jeff Ahearn ASSISTANT VISUAL EDITOR

Elizabeth Lepro

Assistant Sports Editor After numerous attempts to keep students at Heinz Field after the third quarter of football games, Pitt Athletics announced Thursday that it will try out a strapping new method.

Last year, to remedy the overwhelming exodus of student fans after “Sweet Caroline” during Panthers’ games at Heinz Field, Pitt left free snacks on the buses for students who stayed. This year, to save money, Pitt has decided to go with an alternative that will only cost thousands of dollars in student tuition money once, rather than every game.

After halftime, over-the-shoulder restraints will clamp down on every seat in the student section of Heinz Field, locking students in place until the game’s bitter end.

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“The team really needs to see its fans in the stands, especially during those last crucial moments of play,” Pitt Athletic Director Scott Barnes said in a release. “If that means we have to literally lock those kids into the commitment, so be it. We’ll do anything for a win.”

According to E.J. Borghetti, spokesperson for Pitt Athletics, the snack tactic was more than just costly — it also just wasn’t cutting it for Panther fans.

“Kids kept complaining that the soda was flat and the off-brand pork rinds weren’t enough incentive to stay for a full game,” Borghetti said. He added, under his breath as he turned away, “This ought to teach them to be grateful.”

According to a release, fans who stay past the fourth quarter to cheer on maintenance staff as they brush hot dog buns out of the stands will also get complimen-

tary photos of themselves taken at the most thrilling part of the game.

Students had mixed reactions to the announcement on Thursday.

“What?” first-year Ronnie Benson said.

Sophomore Darlene Mullanovich said she usually stays until the end of the game anyway, but she’s concerned the new policy might be more restrictive than encouraging.

“What if we have to pee?” Mullanovich asked. “Like, how do I stand up and cheer? What if there’s a fire or something?”

Borghetti said he expects students to be responsible and use the bathrooms before halftime. Pitt spokesperson Ken Service said administration is still looking into fire-safety measures and could not comment at this time.

April 1, 2016

“Very rarely do we have a fire in the stadium,” Service said.

Shortly after the release, rumors began spreading on Twitter that the restraints may have malfunctioned during testing.

According to an anonymous source, Pitt athletics has been testing the seat restraints in one of the private engineering labs on campus.

One student research participant, who sat in the seat for the approximate length of two quarters of a game before being clamped in, said the restraint never unlocked, and he was stuck in the chair overnight.

“I don’t know why the researchers just left me in there. It was cold and dark,” the student said. “I thought I could hear the laughter of Pitt administrators in the distance, but I might have been hallucinating after about the eighth hour.”

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Cathy confused by lack of catcalls

Dale Shoemaker News Editor

Watching students trickle out of its doors around 10 p.m. last Thursday as they headed home from a long day of class, schoolwork and club meetings, Pitt’s Cathedral of Learning realized it hadn’t been cat-called for an entire day.

Experts determined the inclement weather couldn’t have been the only reason the 535foot tall building wasn’t met with Instagram posts, Snapchats and Facebook statuses calling it the “hottest building on campus,” or “bae.”

Nicknamed Cathy, the iconic educational building typically goes through at least 15 catcalls each day, it said, a number that reaches hundreds on sunny days.

“Not a single suggestive stare or lewd comment. Not a single person comparing me to the male anatomy or commenting on my ‘curves,’” the building said.

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On a typical day, Cathy said, the catcalling starts around sunrise with at least one student heading to an early morning class snapping a picture of the sun’s beams reflecting off of its limestone blocks and sharing it via Snapchat or any other host of social media platforms with a suggestive comment.

“At first, I convinced myself the catcalls were compliments,” Cathy said. “But after so many years, it makes me feel like less of a building — like the students only care about me for my looks and not because I’ve stood in the spirit of learning, honor and the free exchange of ideas for almost 100 years.”

For junior Sarah Willis, Cathy’s breakthrough, catcall-free day is the start of a conversation that’s needed to happen for years.

“Ever since I started at Pitt, I noticed that a lot of the students here — especially the men — don’t understand that sexualizing a building is diminishing to its architecture, its mean-

ing,” Willis said. “It’s like they think Cathy’s just some phallic pile of bricks. Cathy is so much more.”

Willis said the catcalls are indicative of a bigger issue — a lack of respect for our buildings.

“Cathy deserves respect just like all the other buildings on campus,” Willis said. “You don’t see anyone catcalling Posvar or Hillman.”

Willis said she liked the way the Cathedral looked when she first saw the building, too, but that she expected more of Pitt students.

At press time, the Cathedral was still racking its archives trying to think of at least one instance of catcalling over the last day and couldn’t think of even an admiring glance or smile directed at it.

“Damn Cathy, looking good tonight, mmhmm,” a student called out.

“Ah, there it is,” the Cathedral said. “I spoke too soon.”

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Baldwin lends voice to city Jack Trainor Culture Editor

Alec Baldwin announced yesterday he is making a considerable donation to the University of Pittsburgh — his voice.

The “30 Rock” actor, Baldwin said after he performs with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra on April 16, he will then record new audible crossing signals at intersections throughout Oakland at Pitt’s own WPTS the following day.

“The [PSO] performance will just be a warm up,” he said over the phone. “When I knew I would be doing [the audible signals], I had to alter the PSO playlist to preserve my voice.”

The Oakland Planning and Development Corporation reached out to Baldwin after students began complaining that the ghostly, decrepit voice that guides them safely across the street also strikes them with fear.

“I’ve had nightmares about that gnarly old voicebox,” said Shawn Janas, a senior communication major. “It’s turned a safety measure into a hazard. I have to actually plug my ears every time I cross the street.”

In light of these concerns, the city of Pittsburgh and OPDC turned to Baldwin, who famously narrated the children’s animated Thomas the Tank Engine series, “Thomas and Friends” from 1998 to 2003.

“We thought that since a lot of the current students probably grew up with that show, that Mr. Baldwin’s voice would be a welcome and soothing replacement,” Dan Cooke, a traffic engineer for the City’s Public Works Department said.

This will be the first time a celebrity has lent their voice to audible crossing signals in the country. Not only will Baldwin pioneer this celebrity-city government partnership, but he will also give the signals, which OPDC installed in 2012, his own flair.

“The city asked me to not only voice the new signals,” Baldwin said, “but to make them sexier as well.”

Currently, the audible signals just announce the street name when pedestrians can cross.

Baldwin plans to incorporate new words

and phrases into the signal, such as singing “cross this way” to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way.” OPDC and the city only asked that Baldwin refrain from any accents, a la “The Departed” or “Along Came Polly.”

The added expressions with Baldwin’s soothing raspy voice, he said, are all in order

to make the crossing experience more pleasurable.

“The weather’s already bad enough in Pittsburgh,” the actor said. “It’ll be my pleasure to spice things up for the students and the rest of the community who cross the street many times every day.”

Wolf proposes Kanye West funding Nick Mullen Staff Writer

After calling on the likes of Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page for help with his $53 million in personal debt, Kanye West is looking to an unlikely source for funding: Gov. Tom Wolf.

The Republican-controlled state legislature refused to pass Wolf ’s original budget, which contained a multi-billion dollar tax increase to increase funding to schools, instead passing a new budget with no tax increases and far fewer spending increases.

As Wolf looks to next year’s budget, which is due June 30, he announced that

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in addition to increasing funding to public schools, he’s also looking to increase funding to support arts and music programs across the state, which includes funds for paying off Kanye’s personal debts and financial support for future projects.

After West took to Twitter in early February, following the release of his latest album, “The Life of Pablo,” he called on many wealthy investors, with his search ultimately leading him to Wolf, who is reportedly a fan of the artist.

“Funding the artists and creators of the future is one of the best investments this legislature can make,” Wolf said, referenc-

ing Kanye’s plans on Twitter for what he’s going to do with the funding, including releasing three albums this year and expanding his clothing line. “West can be a great role model for our students across the state.”

“If paying Mr. West’s personal debts gives him the freedom to expand his artistic reach, then I think it’s a wise investment.”

Wolf explained. “Expanding Pennsylvania’s status as an artistic state will benefit the state not only culturally but economically as well. Just imagine him creating another album or dropping another clothing line with money from Pennsylvania — it would

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benefit all Pennsylvanians.”

Like this year’s budget, Republican legislators aren’t yet sold on Wolf ’s “arts project.” Mike Turzai, speaker of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives, was especially opposed to the funding of West’s creative endeavours.

“First, [Wolf] wants to spend billions to fund schools, now he wants to give taxpayer money to Kanye West,” Turzai said. “He’s not even a good rapper. He’s a good producer, I’ll give him that, but he hasn’t had a good album since ‘The College Dropout.’”

After about nine months without a See Kanye on page 16

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Starbucks, pg. 18

Kanye pg. 15 budget, Wolf agreed to allow the Republican appropriations bill to become law without his signature, showing his dissatisfaction, but ultimately allowing the budget to pass without veto. With his ideas shot down by the legislature with this year’s budget, Wolf

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said next year, he’s not going down without a fight.

“The people of Pennsylvania have had enough,” Wolf said. “They’ve been pushed around by the Republicans and their refusal to pass a budget that helps the people for too long. Next year will see funding for both public schools, and more importantly, for Kanye West.”

provides the ambitious students with more reliable and swift access to study fuel so they can return to their studies as quickly as possible.

“I’ve been waiting for a Starbucks closer to the Honors lounge since last year,” Sophomore Mark Iato, an astrology and caffeine studies double-major who joined the Honors’ Society last year, said.

This location, the Cathedral’s second in addition to its ground floor station, will also feature a hot tub, loanable textbooks and a table permanently reserved just in case a minor celebrity, such as Miranda Cosgrove, happens to show up.

Students are excited for the addition, but many questioned why it took so long.

“I’m so glad that the University has finally decided to listen to the voices of the students,” Iato, said. “It’s about time, you know? There just aren’t enough chain coffee shops in Oakland.”

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14

column

from the editorial board

Give election an attitude adjustment

Strolling through the future

Matt Moret

Opinions Editor

You’ve probably heard the yuge news by now, but Donald Trump’s campaign was a lie.

The campaign of the Republican party’s frontrunner Donald J. Trump is the meticulous work of World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman and CEO Vince McMahon, designed to appear as a legitimate race for the highest office in the United States, The Pitt News has learned through an investigation and dozens of interviews with campaign staffers and WWE employees. All along, Trump has actually been WWE superstar John Cena in disguise.

Combining the positive message of his character and “Trump’s” mountain of delegate votes, Cena is all but assured a win in both the primary and general elections. This is a great moment for the American people, and we must rally behind a new national message of positivity.

According to insiders who spoke under condition of anonymity, Cena kidnapped and replaced Trump during 2007’s Wrestlemania 23.

The positivity of his on-screen character that we all know and love was perfectly suited to build a cover-up around. Nobody suspected that a bigoted Republican was actually the preacher of the hustle, loyalty, respect mantra and star of The Marine.

As the original Doctor of Thuganomics, Cena provides the perfect ideological replacement for Trump. Not only will he deliver attitude

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adjustments to each and every person backing his former alias, but he will ensure that Roman Reigns wins the WWE World Championship at Wrestlemania this Sunday.

While it was difficult to find a single positive thing to say about Trump’s treatment of anybody, Cena is the record holder for most Make-A-Wish requests filled.

Cena visits and performs in countries around the world all year, every year, so he has solid foreign policy experience. A decade ago, he starred in The Marine, providing him with a deep understanding of how the military functions. Cena’s demand that all future debates be converted to wrestling matches promotes health and vigor. Most importantly, Cena’s biggest fans are children. This is the best opportunity to engage young voters in years.

With Trump out of the way, we can all begin to forget the stain his fake campaign left on our country. No longer will we need to hear about banning Muslims from the country or the size of anyone’s hands — though it’s worth noting that Cena’s are massive.

We can finally breathe easy and unite behind the message Americans need to hear: Cena 2016. The country is saved. Happiness is abundant. Out with the microaggressions and terrible hats. In with sunshine, rainbows, kittens and — most importantly — Cena.

April 1, 2016

The highlight of my day is listening to planes take off as I walk to class.

Every day I pass the Digital Plaza at the corner of Forbes Avenue and South Bouquet Street, and every day I am reminded of how technology can change our lives. Oakland’s Digital Plaza is the definitive symbol of innovation in our city. Its role in bringing people together is invaluable, and we must expand it to be the only plaza on campus in order to truly show our commitment to modernization.

As a first-year living in Tower C, I would look out the window at the T-Mobile castle and wonder why I couldn’t listen to Justin Bieber or white noise at the highest volume possible. Two years later, my dream has come true.

Throughout last fall, a massive LED screen that serves as the Plaza’s centerpiece featured a countdown clock with no explanation of what the payoff would be. On Nov. 16, hundreds of spectators watched as the Oakland Business Improvement District officially unveiled its 21st Century Digital Plaza. The reveal was worth the wait.

“It’s the center of Oakland, and it needs a Times Square,” Mayor Bill Peduto said at the event.

The Digital Plaza is exactly that — it offers a landmark for tourists to visit and get a snapshot of Pittsburgh culture and future.

It’s no secret that Pittsburgh is in the middle of a tech renaissance, but most See Moret on page 13

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Moret, pg. 12

Our campus’ enthusiastic embrace of the Digital Plaza shows how badly we need to expand it. pittnews.com

people talking about the boom miss the big picture. Sure, Facebook is setting up an office here to design virtual reality headsets. Uber is headed to town to create a test track for self-driving cars. And admittedly, Google’s use of an old factory as an office is pretty symbolic.

But none of these things offer the charm of our Digital Plaza.

The Digital Plaza serves as an incredible meeting space for people from all over Oakland. I’ve seen the benches so full that people wander around, searching for an alternate location that’s even marginally as relaxing. Their search always ends in disappointment, though.

After all, few places perfectly combine pop music blasting from giant speakers, oldies blaring from Five Guys Burgers and Fries, helicopters heading to UPMC Presbyterian and traffic sounds.

Relaxation isn’t the only benefit of the Plaza, though.

It also offers a list of practical uses that rivals just about any other campus feature. I use the Plaza to walk through.

People even use it as a place to wear their headphones through. There are so many more that I can’t even pick some to include — the quantity is truly too overwhelming. Just trust me, you can’t argue against how integral it is to how the area functions.

Our campus’ enthusiastic embrace of the Digital Plaza shows how badly we need to expand it. It is clearly the superior Oakland plaza. Schenley Plaza is simply too old-fashioned to realistically accommodate the needs of Pitt students, and we could use that space to better serve our community.

Where do countless students stretch out and soak up the sun on warm spring days? The Digital Plaza. All Schenley has to offer is dirt and bugs. I don’t know about you, but picking a place to spend my time is a no-brainer.

It is time for us to pour concrete across that decrepit acre of grass and commit fully to a futuristic vision of Pittsburgh. We need at least five more LED screens that are twice as large as the

April 1, 2016

existing one. Ideally, each of these will screen different things at the same time so that people can absorb as much media as possible in the same place.

That’s the true reason to make the Digital Plaza our community’s crown jewel. If we all just started consuming more media, we’d be the smartest city in the world. Oakland is already the hub of intellectualism in Pittsburgh — there’s no better place to start these educational endeavors.

Professors can run HDMI cords from the Cathedral to the Plaza screens and screen lectures that help educate the masses. Guest speakers could make video calls instead of having to fly all the way here. Education can be so much more efficient, and the Digital Plaza is key to that.

My love of the Digital Plaza may seem odd to some, but it comes from a true devotion to this community. Every downside someone could point to is easily countered with a positive.

This isn’t a waste of power, it is a source of empowerment. The Digital Plaza should be the face of Oakland pride because it brings pleasure to so many. Seeing it lets pedestrians know that Pittsburgh is truly in touch with the latest technology.

We must invest in the future by building large LED screens and speakers wherever possible. The Digital Plaza needs to grow if Pittsburgh is to have a future.

Some of the sound effects may annoy people, but sacrifice is always part of progress. I, for one, can’t wait to hear tomorrow’s invisible flight as I cross Forbes.

12

The Pitt News

column

B.o.B. brings valuable perspectives

Senior Columnist Fret not Pitt students. Even if Bill Nye is canceling his campus appearance, another of America’s foremost science educators will still visit Pitt — B.o.B. While some Pitt students are excited to jam out to mega hits, such as “Airplanes” and “Magic” when B.o.B. performs at the University’s annual Bigelow Bash, others are more interested in his contributions to spreading the theory of a flat earth.

Twitter that he isn’t convinced by the evidence that the Earth is round.

“No matter how high in elevation you are ... the horizon is always eye level ... sorry cadets ... I didn’t wanna believe it either,” the rapper said on the social media site.

These words remind Plembly of the path taken by some of history’s most illustrious minds.

“If my classes have taught me anything, it’s that today’s heretic is tomorrow’s visionary,” Plembly said. “If you are counter the

B.o.B. is easily comparable to the most notable mathematicians and astronomers.

One such student is George Plembly, a sophomore historiography of the phenomenology of the philosophy of science major, who likes to see ideas that extend past the norm at Pitt.

“As a University, we need to have an open dialogue on all the issues and leave no stone unturned,” Plembly said. “I think B.o.B.’s thoughts on the curvature of the Earth will help pursue this goal of academic freedom.”

B.o.B, which is the stage name of the musical artist named Bobby Ray Simmons, recently made headlines by claiming on

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Why the rapper‛s views deserve a place on Pitt‛s campus Stephen Caruso

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Editorial Policies Single copies of The Pitt News are free and available at newsstands around campus. Additional copies can be purchased with permission of the editor in chief for $.50 each.

Opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the students, faculty or University administration.

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popularly held opinion of your time, you have a 95 percent chance of being proven correct by history.”

B.o.B. is easily comparable to the most notable mathematicians and astronomers.

“Galileo, Copernicus, Halley — B.o.B. is just following in their footsteps,” Plembly continued.

“Plus,” he added, “I doubt any of them could freestyle like him.”

Junior genealogy major Apoorva Wentz also appreciated the addition of the genre spanning artist to Pitt’s spring concert.

See Caruso on page 10

April 1, 2016

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11

Caruso, pg. 11 to speak at Pitt,” Wentz said. “If you get offended by differing points of view, then I can’t say I think you’re qualified to be on a college campus.”

Overhearing Wentz’s comments, fellow Pitt student Yancy Osurac, a first-year intending to major in physics, biology and chemistry, joined the interview taking place outside Hillman Library.

“Well, I don’t think you should be allowed on this campus if you believe such hurtful things about the Earth,” Osurac said. “As someone who is dedicating my life to science, this one counter-argument is completely invalidating everything I’ve ever done!”

B.o.B. ignited outrage with his provocative ideas concerning the Earth, which may be exactly what this campus needs.

Some against B.o.B’s opinions have managed to remain calm in face of the invitation.

Contacted via seance, Eratosthenes of Cyrene, widely credited with using basic geometry, a sundial and a slave to calculate the circumference of the Earth in the second century BC, was not shocked at all by B.o.B.’s statements.

“There will always be doubters of every great change in thought,” Eratosthenes said. “If they refuse to recognize the truth, let them live in the darkness of their own ignorance.”

After some thought, though, the caretaker of Alexandria’s Library reconsidered somewhat.

“I mean, yes, it takes more than a pea brain to pull your thoughts outside yourself and realize that knowledge doesn’t have to come from your own experience to be valid,” Eratosthenes said. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll fault him for it.”

“Hell, me and the very intelligent Mr. [Issac] Newton have great talks on physics and astronomy a lot, but he still believes he could find a way to turn anything into gold,” the Greek

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polymath said, referring to the English scientist who single-handedly created the basis of modern physics and was also an alchemist.

But for senior marketing major Henrietta van Schwenk, her concerns for Bigelow Bash were much less philosophical.

“I really thought, for my last Bash, my student activities fee would pay for someone who wasn’t already stale four years ago,” she said.

April 1, 2016

10

I Rentals & Sublet N D E X -NORTH OAKLAND -SOUTH OAKLAND -SHADYSIDE -SQUIRREL HILL -SOUTHSIDE -NORTHSIDE -BLOOMFIELD -ROOMMATES -OTHER

3 bedroom apartment. $1450 (utilities included). 704 Enfield St. 5 bedroom house. $2200 + utilties. 35 Enfield St. Call 412-969-2790.

Craig Street. Safe, secure building. 1bedroom, furnished.

Newly remodeled, wall-to-wall carpeting, no pets. $775 and up. Heat included. Mature or Graduate students.

412-855-9925 or 724-940-0045. Email for pictures: kelly.m317@yahoo.com ****************** Large 6 bedroom house for rent. Fall occupancy.

Atwood Street.

Close to campus.

Please call Gary at 412-807-8058 **Large efficiences, 1 & 2 bedroom apartments available for August 2016. Clean, walking distance to campus. Great location. $575-$630$900-$1100. Utilities included. No pets/ smoking or parties. 412-882-7568.

1,2,3,5,6, & 8 bedroom houses. August & May 2016.

Bouquet, Atwood, Ward & Dawson.

Please call 412-287-5712.

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Employment

-CHILDCARE -FOOD SERVICES -UNIVERSITY -INTERNSHIPS -RESEARCH STUDIES -VOLUNTEERING -OTHER

Classifieds

For Sale

-AUTO -BIKES -BOOKS -MERCHANDISE -FURNITURE -REAL ESTATE -TICKETS

+++5 bedroom, 2 full baths, huge house, nicely updated, shuttle across street, washer/dryer, $2595+, August 1, photos www.tinyurl.com/pittnewsad4 coolapartments@gmail.com 724-935-2663 2 bedroom. 343 McKee Place. $1200 (heat included).

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. 3201 Niagra St. $1200. A/C, dishwasher, washer and dryer.

1 bedroom. 365 Ophelia St. $550+ electric.

Call 412-969-2790.

310 Semple Street, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath. $1500 for 2 person occupancy, $1600 for 3 person occupancy including gas, water, and electric. Very close to campus. Off street parking available. 412-559-6073. marknath12@gmail.com

3444 WARD ST. Studio, 1-2-3 BR apartments available Aug. 1, 2016. Free parking, free heating. Call 412-361-2695. No evening calls please.

4 BR townhouses, Semple St., available May 1st 2016.

Equipped kitchen, full basement.

412-343-4289.

Call after 5:00 pm.

Services

-EDUCATIONAL -TRAVEL -HEALTH -PARKING -INSURANCE

311-1/2 Semple St. 2BR Unfurnished Apartment. For fall 2016 occupancy.

Kitchen, bath, living room, basement, front porch, back patio. 2 blocks from Forbes Ave. Dishwasher, disposal.

New gas range. New bathroom. Ceramic floor. New vanity and fixtures. Must see. $1200/month+utilities. Call 412-681-3636. PM 412-389-3636.

Available 8/1, 1 BR/1 Bath, 5 min. walk to Cathedral, A/C, hardwood floors, newly renovated, starting at $995+, 412.441.1211 Available 8/1, 3 BR/1 Bath, less than 1 mile to campus, updated, Dishwasher and AC, starting at $1325+, 412.441.1211

Brand new 2BR apartment in central Oakland for $1800 per month. Apartment has A/C, stainless steel appliances, washer/dryer in unit, spacious living room & bedrooms, heated bathroom floor, hardwood floors and more! Call 412.682.7622 or email sarah@robbrealestate.com for more info on this gorgeous apartment for FALL 2016.

Announcements -ADOPTION -EVENTS -LOST AND FOUND -STUDENT GROUPS -WANTED -OTHER

FOR RENT AUGUST 1 2016: Completely remodeled, spacious 3BR 1.5 BA home on tree-lined residential street. $1695/mo + utilities. Original woodwork, high ceilings, large bedrooms.

Parking available.

Panther Properties of PA, pantherproperties2@gmail.com.

Photos: https://panther-life.com/properties/oakland/ Large 1-2-3 BR apartments available August 1st. 3450 Ward Street. 312 and 314 South Bouquet Street.

Free parking. Minutes to campus. Cat friendly. Call 412-977-0111.

Large 1,2,3 bedrooms available for rent starting June-July.

Prices range from $695-$1490/month.

Includes gas, heat, and water. See websie www.rentnearpitt.com. Call or text 412-725-1136. Don’t call after 8 PM. M.J. Kelly Realty Studio, 1, 2, & 3 Bedroom Apartments, Duplexes, Houses. $775-$1650. mjkellyrealty@gmail.com. 412-271-5550, mjkellyrealty.com South Oakland Duplex. 4 bedroom 2 baths. Central air, dishwasher, washer and dryer. Available August 1.

(412)915-0856.

R INSERTIONS 1X 2X 3X 4X 5X 6X ADDITIONAL A 1-15 WORDS $6.30 $11.90 $17.30 $22.00 $27.00 $30.20 $5.00 T 16-30 WORDS $7.50 $14.20 $20.00 $25.00 $29.10 $32.30 $5.40 E S DEADLINE: TWO BUSINESS DAYS PRIOR BY 3 PM | EMAIL: ADVERTISING@PITTNEWS.COM | PHONE: 412.648.7978 (EACH ADDITIONAL WORD: $0.10)

Studios, 1, 2, & 3 Bedroom apartments available August 2016 & sooner. Oakland, Shadyside, Friendship, Squirrel Hill, Highland Park,

Point Breeze. Photos & current availability online, check out www.forbesmanagement.net, or call 412.441.1211 Updated 1BR apartment within walking distance to Pitt for $775 per month.

Apartment has A/C, plenty of storage, spacious living room, eat-in kitchen, lots of character and is located on Atwood Street! Call 412.682.7622 or email sarah@robbrealestate.com for more info on this amazing apartment for FALL 2016.

4909 Center Ave. Updated 1 BR with new kitchen, dishwasher & hardwood floors.

Laundry, storage and parking available.

Close to Pitt & shopping district. Available now and for August. 412-720-4756.

April 1, 2016

First floor duplex.

Solway Street. Available 7/1/16. $1595/month +utilities. 3 BR, 2 Baths.

Kitchen. Large dining room/living room/basement.

Washer/dryer.

Garage. Near bus/shopping district.

Ray 412-523-2971, rwiener602@gmail.com.

Second floor duplex.

Solway Street. Available 6/1/16. $1495/month +utilities. 3 BR 1 Bath.

Kitchen. Large dining room/living room/basement.

Washer/dryer.

Garage. Near bus/shopping district.

Ray 412-523-2971, rwiener602@gmail.com.

3 & 5 bedroom. May 2016. Sarah St. Large bedroom, new kitchen, air conditioning, washer & dryer, dishwasher, large deck. 412-287-5712.

Before signing a lease, be aware that no more than 3 unrelated people can share a single unit.

Check property’s compliance with codes. Call City’s Permits, Licensing & Inspections.

412-255-2175.

Real estate advertising in The Pitt News is subject to the Fair Housing Act. The Pitt News will not knowingly accept advertising for real estate which violates the law. To complain of discrimination, call HUD at 1-800-669-9777 or email fheo_webmanager@hud.gov. For the hearing impaired, please call TTY 1800-927-9275.

ATTENTION OCCASIONAL SMOKERS! UPMC seeks healthy adults ages 18-65 who occasionally smoke cigarettes.

This research is examining how smokers respond to cigarettes that are low in nicotine.

There are up to seven sessions lasting about three hours each. Research participants completing the study will be compensated up to $60 per session, or $20 per hour. For more information, call 412-246-5393 or visit www.SmokingStudies.pitt.edu

SMOKERS NEEDED! Researchers at UPMC are looking to enroll healthy adult cigarette smokers ages 18-65. This research is examining the influence of brief uses of FDA-approved nicotine patch or nicotine nasal spray on mood and behavior. The study involves a brief physical exam and five sessions lasting two hours each. Eligible participants who complete all sessions will receive up to $250, or $20 per hour. This is NOT a treatment study. For more information, call 412-246-5396 or visit www.SmokingStudies.pitt.edu Caregivers and babysitters needed.

FT/PT. Earn $25/hour. No experience required. Will train. Call now.

888-366-3244 ext. 102.

Come work where it’s Oktoberfest every day. Now hiring for all positions at Hofbrauhaus Pittsburgh.

Apply in person Monday through Friday.

9

HYATT House Pittsburgh Southside Seeking full time and part time valets.

Experience with valet and manual transmission a plus. Must be able to work nights and weekends. Shifts are 7am-3pm & 3 pm11 pm. Pay is $8.25/hr +tips. Apply in person at 2795 South Water St.

Rolling Fields Golf Club in Murraysville.

Multiple positions available immeduately. Including bartenders, beverage cart, and pro shop assistant. Contact proshop@rollingfieldsgolf.com or 724-335-7522.

Seasonal Work: Shadyside Management Company needs full-time dependable landscapers, painters, and assistant roofers for the summer.

Must be at least 18 years old. No experience necessary. $10/hour.

Mozart Management, 412-682-7003. Email: thane@mozartrents.com.

SUMMER HELP NEEDED, Ice company close to campus. Weekends necessary. Production/driving/maintenance positions available. Good pay, part-time/full time. Contact Mastro Ice Company 412-681-4423. mastroice@aol.com

Join us in remembering the late George Daly by playing in the Spring Spike Volleyball Tournament on April 3rd!

Email SpringSpike2016@gmail.com to play and find out more. Donate at https://www.gofundme.com/SpringSpike2016

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April 1, 2016

8

The Pitt News T h e i n d e pe n d e n t stu d e n t n e w spa pe r of the University of Pittsburgh

April 1, 2016 | Issue 134 | Volume 106

Pittsburgh feels the bern Dale Shoemaker and Kate Koenig

Though thousands in Pittsburgh have long felt the Bern, the presidential candidate made his first official stop in the city Thursday morning.

At a press conference and rally at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center, Bernie Sanders, the democratic senator from Vermont, said he would abolish the Trans-Pacific Partnership, support labor unions and push for student debt reform to a crowd of about 10,000 students and residents.

Though the stop was Sanders’ first in Pittsburgh, students and other supporters have hosted rallies and “chalk the block” events since August.

At the rally, Sanders championed increasing minimum wage and focusing on his goals of eliminating student debt. Last week, both Sanders and rival Hillary Clinton opened up campaign offices in Pittsburgh, offically putting down roots.

“We should not be punishing people for getting an education, we should be rewarding them,” Sanders said.

Sanders’ call for a higher minimum wage came just two days after UPMC, the Pittsburgh region’s largest employer, announced it would raise minimum hourly pay for all workers by 2021.

Sanders opened the rally discussing Wall Street, lambasting rival Hillary Clinton’s speaking fees for events on Wall Street and her failure to release the transcripts of those talks. In response, Sanders said he would release his own transcripts and threw his empty hands to the crowd, which cheered and applauded thunderously. He said to the crowd he didn’t understand why Wall Street wouldn’t want to hear him speak to them.

The rally was filled with rambunctious reSee Bernie on page 22

Senator Bernie Sanders held a press conference and discussed trade unions and the environment before the rally in the David L. Lawrence Convention Center Thursday morning. Kate Koenig VISUAL EDITOR

Candidates dumb down speech for relability Danni Zhou Staff Writer

If the 2016 presidential candidates competed on the television show, “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?” some of them would do well to save their lifelines for the English section.

Trump, for example, uses fifth grade level grammar in his speeches, on average, a recent CMU linguistics study found. Similarly, the study found Sanders, who spoke at his first Pittsburgh rally Thursday, uses the same elementary school level language. Cruz uses sixth grade level grammar, and Clinton spoke at a seventh grade level.

In early March, Principal Systems Scientist

Maxine Eskenazi and Graduate Research Assistant Elliot Schumacher from Carnegie Mellon University published the study called, “A Readability Analysis of Campaign Speeches” from the 2016 U.S. Presidential Campaign at the Language Technologies Institute at CMU. Eskenazi and Schumacher examined the grammar and vocabulary levels of five candidates’ campaign announcement speeches: Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, Marco Rubio — who has since dropped out — Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump.

John Kasich, though, was not included in the study.

The researchers said the low level is meant to appeal to more voters, but Pitt linguistics

professor Scott Kiesling said the ease of understanding does not translate to creating a relationship with the listener.

Kristin Kanthak, an associate professor from Pitt’s Department of Political Science, said candidates may speak at a lower grade level in order to appear more relatable when discussing issues such as the national debt and equal pay among men and women.

“Candidates are probably not specifically trying to speak at a low level, but rather are trying to be sure they can be understood by a large number of people. It is much more important that candidates [are] understood than it is for See Speeches on page 23

News

see online for video & photo gallery of bernie rally

Speeches, pg. 24

experienced adverse pregnancy outcomes are at about two- to seven-fold increased risk of heart disease later in their life,” Hubel said.

Each university, which the American Heart Association selected to be a part of the Go Red for Women Research Network, proposed three complementary projects: basic science, clinical research and population studies.

Magee’s projects include using mice to study the mechanisms by which pregnancy complications may actually cause subsequent heart disease. Magee’s study will follow 500 women for eight to 10 years after they deliver children at Magee, according

The grant is part of the Go Red for Women Research Network, a crossinstitutional network of researchers at Columbia University, Johns Hopkins University, New York University and University of California San Diego, all focused on studying contributing factors to heart disease in women.

According to Carl Hubel, one of the study’s researchers and a Pitt professor, the association between pregnancy complications and heart disease is well known , but no one has investigated the causes for that association.

“We became increasingly intrigued by the fact that women who

Starting today, Pitt researchers will begin to pull at the strings potentially linking pregnancy complications and heart disease.

The Magee-Womens Research Institute, along with researchers from four other universities and medical centers , will study the link between certain pregnancy complications — such as preeclampsia, preterm birth and gestational hypertension — and heart disease that can occur up to a decade after child birth. In March, the American Heart Association awarded the researchers $3.7 million for the study, which will continue until 2020.

conduct a study that focused on spoken speech, which is more commonly used during the presidential races.

Spoken speech is composed of repetition and incomplete sentences and speakers can alter the words during their speech. Written speech is a permanent text that speakers do not change.

“When we speak, we usually use less structured language with shorter sentences,” Eskenazi said. “So while models like Flesch-Kinkaid are appropriate for written speech, they are not really reflective of the structure of spoken language.”

A portion of the study specifically compares

by voters and has outperformed his opponents during several moments of the presidential race, such as debates. According to The Boston Globe article, former candidates Mike Huckabee and Jim Gilmore, who both spoke at a 10th-grade level, struggled to appeal to and gather support from Americans and ultimately dropped out of the presidential race.

According to Eskenazi and Schumacher, previous tools such as the Flesch-Kinkaid readability tests, which measures how easy or hard a text is to read and understand, concentrate on the readability of written speeches. They wanted to

them to use sophisticated speech,” Kanthak said.

As an example, Kanthak cited a moment from the 1992 election when Republican candidate George H.W. Bush misunderstood a voter’s question about how national debt had affected him personally. His opponent, Bill Clinton, realized the voter was referring to “hard economic times” while Bush was still puzzled because the national debt did not affect many people personally.

“Speaking at too high of a level would hurt a candidate who is trying to appear relatable [and could also] hurt a candidate if he or she makes errors in speech, but speaking simply and clearly is unlikely to have much of a down side,” Kanthak said.

Additionally, an article from The Boston Globe in October 2015 said in the 21st century, a majority of the public is used to 140-character Twitter tweets and 10-second television sound bites, which is why lower leveled speeches appeal more to the public.

For example, Trump is easily understood

TNS

the grammar levels used for the 2016 candidates and past presidents. Abraham Lincoln had the highest level at 11th grade, and George W. Bush and Trump had the lowest at fifth grade. The others leveled between sixth and seventh grades.

Kanthak provides an example involving Rubio when he stated in a debate that America needed “more welders and less philosophers.”

The grammatically correct term he should have used is “fewer philosophers.” But Kanthak said he may have used “less” on purpose in order to appeal to the voters.

“I’m sure he’d rehearsed it too, and I’m sure he knew it was wrong. Fewer philosophers probably sounds a little pretentious, which is exactly what Rubio was trying to avoid,” Kantak said.

Kiesling discredits Eskenazi and Schumacher’s research and other related studies, which he said only focus on the length of words in a sentence. “[That] is not really the best way to measure sentence complexity. This misses a lot of what goes into complexity in language,” Kiesling said.

Kiesling said the study looks for specific parts See Speeches on page 22

magee to study pregnancy, heart disease connection Erin Hare Staff Writer

pittnews.com

to researcher Janet Catov, associate professor of epidemiology and obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive sciences at Pitt.

According to Catov, the study will compare women’s placentas postpartum to their cardiovascular health eight to 10 years later. She said the decade-old placenta data may provide a window into the mothers’ risks of heart disease.

Principal Investigator Robert Powers said the researchers can genetically manipulate mice to create a model of preeclampsia, a common pregnancy complication characterized by high blood pressure and proSee Magee on page 22

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April 1, 2016

of speech, such as those that might have come from a scholarly paper or other academic essay, that an average audience member may not understand.

“Presidents are unlikely to be elected based on how well they can mimic an essay in their speech talk. What you probably want is someone who can connect appropriately with their audience, which is generally not evaluators of essays,” Kiesling said.

To support his opinion, Kiesling personally tested the Flesch-Kinkaid measure, which is popularly used to evaluate the grade level of a written text.

Kiesling typed “colorless green ideas sleep furiously,” a nonsensical phrase, into the FleschKinkaid input system. The system scored the phrase as a 12th grade level, showing that he could easily manipulate the system.

“Rather than telling us about the intelligence and education of the candidate,” Kiesling said,” it tells us what kind of persona the candidate is creating and what kinds of interpersonal stances they are taking with the public.”

sponses to his comments about healthcare, education, reproductive rights and the environment.

The crowd called out with “boos” when he mentioned the Republicans, restrictions on women’s health care and the billionaire class.

To a crowd that was largely made up of young supporters, Sanders said he understood the struggles millennials face as the price of college rises while the financial reward doesn’t always equal in size.

“These young people are asking, ‘Why is it after we did what we’re supposed to do — we went out and got a good education — why are we $50,000 to $70,000 in debt?’” Sanders said.

But alongside the United Steelworkers union at the press conference before the rally, Sanders appealed to blue-collar workers as well.

“The issues folks are talking about here are issues I’ve been dealing with my whole life,” Sanders said. “When you talk about the $15 per hour minimum wage, who do you think created that movement? It was a trade union movement. It didn’t happen by accident.”

Speeches, pg. 24

Bernie, pg. 24

Magee, pg. 23 tein in urine, then follow the mice from pregnancy to old age.

“There are a lot of known cardiovascular disease risk factors that likely increase the risk of adverse pregnancy outcomes, but they also increase the risk of cardiovascular disease later in life,” Powers, an associate professor of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive sciences and cell biology, said.

“What we don’t know, because it’s not all or nothing, is whether the adverse pregnancy in and of itself contributes to vascular dysfunction after pregnancy is over.”

According to Hubel, the Go Red for Women network will give researchers a diverse data set, since each participating university is studying a different aspect of women’s cardiovascular health.

“We think there could be incredible cross-fertilization,” Hubel said.

He said UPMC decided to focus on

the link between pregnancy and heart disease because, clinically, pregnancy is highly informative. Because young women seek in-depth health care during their pregnancies, and because pregnancy puts pressure on the heart in general, it’s a good time for researchers to analyze women’s health, Hubel said.

He compared pregnancy to jogging on a tilted treadmill, referring to the stress it has on the heart.

According to Catov, pregnancy is a great opportunity to screen a woman’s health and begin to improve health long term.

“We’re really hopeful that we’ll be able to find factors that can be identified at pregnancy that will identify women who are on a high risk trajectory to heart disease,” Catov said. “So that we can begin interventions that can delay, or even prevent, progression to disease.”

The Pitt News SuDoku 4/1/16 courtesy of dailysudoku.com

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3

April 1, 2016

Opinions from the editorial board

Casual Friday Shotgun wedding Yesterday, a Kentucky couple visiting Louisville ran into some intimidating-looking dudes asking them what’s in their pockets. But instead of having her ring stolen, the man’s girlfriend received one. Set up entirely by her boyfriend, the men began to sing a capella and helped him pull off the perfect crime of stealing his girlfriend’s heart in the spirit of April Fool’s. They’re lucky the only thing that popped was the question.

Feel the Burn While we wait around for universal healthcare, Bernie Sanders’ campaign just got a little more fiery.

The AIDS Healthcare Foundation unveiled four billboards around Los Angeles reading “Feel the Burn” and advertising a link to FreeSTDcheck. org where LA residents can search for STD screening locations nearest to them. Sanders certainly isn’t a crotchety old man, so this type of advertising would’ve made more sense during the Clinton presidency.

Rolling in the keep Beware busting rhymes Two weeks ago in Ann Arbor, Michigan, a felon offered a musical apology inspired by Adele’s “Hello” before being sentenced to 17 years in prison for unlawful imprisonment and carrying a concealed weapon. “Hello, there, your honor,” Brian Earl Taylor sang, before saying goodbye. “I want to say I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and I’ll try and be stronger in this life I chose.” The judge said Taylor was “obviously a talented young man,” and Taylor is still hoping it’s all water under the bridge. It looks like he’ll be rolling in the keep till 2033, but rumor has it, he might still get probation down the line.

Police in Charlton, Massachusetts, are warning residents to be on the lookout for men challenging passersby to rap battles. Three teenage boys said a group of men hopped out of a black SUV and asked them if they wanted to “spit some bars.”

Their palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Mom’s spaghetti.

A dog without a bong Miley, a black lab from Mississippi, is the real reason you teach your dog to fetch, and the retriever we all need. After Miley’s owner took her out for a bathroom outing, what she brought back was better than the normal stinky surprise — $1,000 worth of marijuana.

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Autism Speaks doesn’t speak for Autism Isabelle Ouyang For The Pirr News

When you walk past the Cathedral of Learning Saturday night, you might notice an eerie blue glow.

You might take a second look and be on your way. When you mention it in passing over lunch, you might learn it has something to do with autism. As we head into Autism Awareness Month, I urge you to go much further.

This year, the Cathedral of Learning will once again take part in Light It Up Blue, an Autism Speaks campaign to celebrate World Autism Awareness Day. Cathy will be one more addition to a long list of prominent structures that take part in the annual event, including the Empire State Building, the Air & Space Museum and Universal Studios in Hollywood and Orlando. But behind the blue lights and the feel good sentiment, does Autism Speaks actually speak for the autistic community?

Autism Speaks is an organization that sponsors autism research and outreach and is arguably the leading Autism Spectrum Disorder awareness organization in the nation. Despite the organization’s prominence, a growing number of autism advocates are speaking up against it and demanding to be heard.

One of the biggest criticisms of Autism Speaks is that, despite its name, the organization excludes autistic voices.

Autism Speaks was founded in 2005 by allistic (non-autistic) couple Suzanne and Bob Wright, grandparents of an autistic child. Consequently, the organiza-

tion has had a history of ableist rhetoric that advances misinformed stigmas rather than addressing autistic people’s needs.

Most famously, Autism Speaks distributed a controversial video (now taken down) titled, “I Am Autism.” In it, a deep voiceover compares autism to the onset of pediatric AIDS, cancer and diabetes combined. The video also implies that autism ruins happy marriages, but arguably the most hurtful and cruel statement it makes is: “I will make it virtually impossible for your family to easily attend a temple, birthday party or public park without a struggle, without embarrassment, without pain.”

Parenting a child is difficult. Parenting an autistic child may present a different set of challenges. But the same goes for any child. By playing into the sympathies of overwhelmed parents, the ad loses sight of autistic children. “I Am Autism” misleadingly turns an autistic child into a straw man: a tantrum-throwing monster intent on ruining family outings. Rather than portraying a child with complex needs and behaviors, the ad narrates autism in first person in a deeply sinister and adult voice. The ad capitalizes on the dehumanization of autistic children. Loving and well-meaning caregivers of autistic children come to understand autism and the associated behavior as a burden or threat — a sentence to social alienation.

Cori Frazer, president of Pittsburgh’s chapter of Autistic Self Advocacy NetSee Ouyang on page 20

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Ouyang, pg. 21 work and a self-identified autistic person, was diagnosed long after childhood and started to work on Pittsburgh’s own ASAN chapter midway through the summer of 2014. Frazer was diagnosed with ASD in 2013, after obtaining an undergraduate degree at Pitt. Throughout college, Frazer experienced difficulty engaging with professors and students. They discovered ASAN through the support of the online autistic community.

“Autism Speaks uses a really engaging narrative that makes parents of newly diagnosed children afraid. When you’re listening to this constructed narrative that your child has an awful disease that is going to break up your marriage and Autism Speaks is working on a cure, of course folks donate,” Frazer said in an email. “Autism Speaks makes people afraid, and fear is powerful.”

ASAN, whose motto is “Nothing about us without us!” focuses on selfadvocacy within the autistic community: the idea that autism advocacy should be run by autistic people.

Cathy Hughes, the senior coordinator of Autism Speaks’ Pittsburgh chapter, was a volunteer for local autism advocacy campaigns for 15 years prior to the founding of Autism Speaks. Hughes credits her now 19-year-old autistic son, Christian, for her involvement in the movement. Currently, Autism Speaks’ Pittsburgh chapter employs one autistic individual.

“We could be doing better,” Hughes said, adding that ASAN has reduced its focus on early intervention, and more on services across the lifespan of ASD individuals. “The motto [of Autism Speaks] used to be ‘early intervention is key,’ but so many of our kids have grown up ...

Our kids were younger when the organization first started.”

But Hughes says Autism Speaks already promotes self advocacy. She cites groups like Autism Speaks 2 Young Professionals, as well as autistic selfadvocates like Kerry Magro. She herself has encouraged her son to self-advocate from an early age, but doesn’t see Autism

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Speaks’ advocacy as mutually exclusive to self advocacy.

“When Christian was diagnosed, he had little language [abilities] and a lot of self injurious behaviors. Now he is a prime result of early intervention and treatment — people committed to his well-being and success,” Hughes said.

Best intentions aside, Autism Speaks started as an organization by and for families with young autistic children. Families are only now coming to understand t h e needs and demands of their growing autistic children.

A u tistic adults h a v e always existed, a n d n o w t h a t t h e y a r e willing to self-advocate more t h a n ever, a grand shift in representation is long overdue.

“Autistic self-advocacy ... is integral to our ability to practice autonomy and self-determination in a society that casts autistic and otherwise disabled people as props in our own stories,” Frazer said. “...

You cannot have a truly just movement to support any population without including their voices.”

Since the “I Am Autism” debacle, Autism Speaks has attempted to clean up its rhetoric. In 2006, Autism Speaks prompted the Combating Autism Act,

called a “federal declaration of war on the epidemic of autism” by the co-founder of Cure Autism Now, Jon Shestack. In 2014, it was renamed the Autism CARES (Collaboration, Accountability, Research, Education and Support) Act. Late last year, Autism Speaks finally appointed two autistic board members, raising the percentage of autistic people in the Board of Directors to 6 percent. The standard for centers of independent living, nonprofit advocacy organizations run by individua l s with disabilities, is 51 percent i n both t h e staff a n d

Terry Tan STAFF ILLUSTRATOR Board of Directors. Previously, Autism Speaks had a single autistic member on its Science and Treatment Board, Jay Robison, who resigned in 2013.

On his Wordpress blog, Robinson penned an open letter explanation. After a “series of public relations mishaps,” an op-ed by co-founder Suzanne Wright was Robison’s last straw: “... my words and efforts have had no real impact on the beliefs of the actual leadership of the organization.”

Autism Speaks was founded on the ideological approach toward autism as

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a disease that can be eradicated. Tacking two autistic people onto the Board of Trustees doesn’t change this. Autism is not a disease. It is not an epidemic. It is a neurological variation. Its community is highly diverse and has a broad range of needs. Some of these needs include addressing significant health risks and medical challenges associated with ASD, and some of these needs include assisted living and counseling. The narrative that Autism Speaks has constructed over the course of its establishment relies on the fear of these risks, rather than a comprehensive understanding of ASD. Charity Navigator, an independent charity evaluator, gives Autism Speaks a 2/4 financial rating. While it scores high on transparency and devotes 44 percent of its annual budget to research, the research is highly focused on changing social behaviors of autistic children or seeking a gene to eliminate. Out of 13 major science/research grants in 2015, at least one active study still refers to ASD as a “devastating disease.” Six are categorized under “treatment/prevention.”

Eight involve studies in behavior or “behavioral intervention.” This is despite the website’s careful classification of autism as a neurological disorder. Meanwhile, only 4 percent of its budget goes to “family services,” which directly helps autistic people and their families.

“Autism acceptance means listening to and promoting autistic voices. We are producing huge amounts of literature — online and offline — about our lived experiences, our needs and how we can best best be supported in our communities,” Frazer said.

When contacted for comment, the national office for Autism Speaks did not immediately respond.

Autism Speaks is not an organization for the autistic community. At least, not yet. Right now, it’s an organization that prioritizes allistic allies, parents and clinicians over the autistic community.

So when you see Cathy light up blue, a reference to Autism Speaks’ blue puzzle piece logo, don’t let Autism Speaks do the talking. Instead, listen to the autistic community.

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Sports Steelers take on students

Former and current Steelers players took on Pitt students Thursday night.

John Hamilton STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Phoebe Gilmore Staff Writer

Former Steelers quarterback Charlie Batch’s best advice for his charity basketball

team Thursday night?

“They should just pass the ball to me and I’ll make all the shots,” Batch — pronounced “like a batch of cookies,” the quarterback joked

see online for video of the steelers vs students game

— said from the bench in the Fitzgerald Field House.

Six former and current Steelers players defeated a group of student basketball players 67-60 in the third annual Pittsburgh Steelers footballers versus Pitt students charity basketball game. Proceeds from the game benefitted the Pitt Advantage Grant, which offers up to $1,500 scholarships to about 30 student applicants who have completed the Outside the Classroom Curriculum.

The Pitt College of Business Administration and the Office of Student Affairs co-sponsored the event. Melissa Warthen, associate director of the Office of Student Life, said more than 600 people bought $7 tickets for the game in advance.

“Each year, we’ve been able to grow the event,” Warthen said. In its first year, between 500 and 600 people attended the event.

Fifteen student players made up the Pitt basketball team. Students came from within and outside of Pitt Athletics, from Oakland Zoo president Ryan Foley to senior psychology major Tina Benno.

Students who arrived early to the game awaited the Steelers’ arrival and exploded with excitement when the athletes strutted in at 8 p.m. on the dot.

“I want to see a Pitt student get tackled by a Steeler,” sophomore neuroscience major Maya Phillips said.

Most audience members, including junior finance major Mike Adams, predicted the Steelers’ victory.

“The shortest guy on their team will still be at least 6 feet tall,” Adams said.

Despite making a career out of football, both Batch and wide receiver Sammie Coates played high school basketball. Although Coates said he was a mediocre player, Batch retained his signature confidence.

“I like to think I was pretty good,” Batch said. His pre-speech pep-talk was just as prideful, “We are older and more experienced than Pitt. We better win.”

The Field House was buzzing as the game

got off to a slow start, with the Panthers putting the first points on the board in the first two minutes of the game.

Shortly after the Panthers took the lead, Coates showed off with a dunk that began at half court, resulting in a Steelers’ takeover in the first quarter. Steelers wide receivers Wes Lyons and Derek Moye also showed off their dunking skills — much to the crowd’s delight.

Despite their fancy footwork, the Steelers missed several opportunities for shots as the game went on, drawing ire from the student section. When the announcer joked that Batch had missed his 50th 3-pointer of the game, he fired back and said, “it was only the 49th!”

The Panthers took the lead and maintained it through the second and third quarters, until the Steelers gained 30 points in the fourth quarter to solidify the win.

Through it all, the atmosphere of the game remained light-hearted, with constant player commentary and crowd booing as loud music blared behind the announcer’s comedic playby-play.

While cooling off after the game, Julie Fedick, a senior economics major on the Pitt team, said even though she played basketball in high school, she was excited to flex her skills, or lack thereof, against big-time athletes.

“It was fun to prove our lack of athleticism,” Fedick said, adding that she wanted to see how she “stood up to professional athletes instead of high school girls.”

At halftime, the Steelers offered autographs and pictures to a long line of eager fans. They also posed for a shot with Pitt business school seniors following the third quarter.

Although the Panthers did not prove victorious against the Steelers, avid Pitt fans still got what they wanted from the night.

“It has been my dream since childhood to meet a Steeler,” first-year biology major Ryleigh Walaconis said. “I am so jazzed that Pitt gives us amazing and unique opportunities like this to meet professional athletes.”

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do a great job continuing the winning tradition of Pitt basketball,” Knight tweeted, adding that it’s “difficult to leave a place that’s been [his] home for the last 17 years.”

In 2003, as a star point guard at Pitt under Ben Howland, Knight led the Panthers to a Big East Men’s Basketball Tournament title. He also took the Panthers to two Big East Conference regular season titles and two Sweet Sixteen berths in 2002 and 2003.

Knight spent the past eight seasons as an assistant coach under Dixon after a brief professional career.

Panthers of the Week Shelby Pickett

Shelby Pickett’s bat was crucial in the softball team’s doubleheader Wednesday against St. Bonaventure. Pitt’s softball team (21-11, 3-6 ACC) took down St. Bonaventure (4-17, 1-2 A-10), 8-0 in game one and 7-3 in game two Wednesday afternoon in a doubleheader at Vartabedian Field.

Redshirt senior Pickett cranked out three home runs in the first game and two doubles in the second. She had five hits in eight at-bats in the first game, setting a team high for the season. Pickett and the Panthers went 1-1 with Virginia over the weekend, where Pickett brought in one run in three at bats in the first and two in four in the second. Pickett went with the Panthers to their first ever ACC Championship and NCAA Regional Finals games last year.

Dominic Giordano

Diver| Swimming and Diving

Knight to leave Pitt after eight seasons as assistant Elizabeth Lepro

Assistant Sports Editor Former assistant basketball coach Brandin Knight announced Thursday that he will not return to Pitt’s court next season.

A few days after new Pitt basketball head coach Kevin Stallings Knight a position on his staff, Knight announced over Twitter Thursday that he would not accept the position.

Knight did not say where he plans to go instead of Pitt, but said he “plans to continue [his] career elsewhere.”

“Coach Stallings and his staff will

Catcher/Infielder| Softball

The ACC named Giordano Diver of the Year on Thursday, one week after the junior became the first diver in Pitt history to win an NCAA Championship crown. Giordano, a humanities major, finished the 2016 NCAA Championships last weekend as the first member of the men’s swimming and diving program to receive All-American distinction since 2008. In the last weekend of February, Giordano completed the 2016 ACC Championships in Greensboro, North Carolina, where he took third place on the 1M and 3M boards. Giordano, who also took home two third-place wins in the ACC competition in February, will go on to train with

his award-winning coach, Julian Krug, for a spot in the Olympic Games.

Stallings keeps recruiting class intact

Phoebe Gilmore and Dan Sostek The Pitt News Staff

Thursday evening, Virginia Episcopal point guard Justice Kithcart and Crisshawn Clark, who’s currently attending Cañada College, both confirmed that they will re-commit to Pitt for next year’s basketball season.

Kithcart reopened his recruitment

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process after former Pitt head coach Jamie Dixon left for his alma mater Texas Christian University. His commitment had been unclear since Dixon left, but Kithcart confirmed his commitment over Twitter Thursday night.

New hire Kevin Stallings granted Clark his release after Dixon left, but Clark confirmed to The Pitt News on Thursday that he will also re-commit to Pitt.

These two announcements mean that Stallings has retained Pitt’s recruiting class for next season, as Corey Manigault confirmed Tuesday that he will also stay committed to the Panthers .

Clark said he “loves everything the city of Pittsburgh has to offer [him] as a person.”

Kithcart also received offers from

Clemson, Duquesne and Dixon’s new home base, TCU. He initially accepted Pitt’s offer in September, deeming this decision a “no-brainer.”

In a shout out to Pitt’s fan base on Twitter Thursday night, Kithcart said “Pittsburgh has the greatest fans in the country.”

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