Semicolon-ness; Obsessive-Compulsive Trichotillomania by Danielle Wong

Semicolon-ness

Danielle Wong

There are days she dreams of being a period. There’s rest in the end, calm in its finality, but all the letters

get in the way in the day, block her in her sleep; at best, she can be

a semicolon;

hanging onto thoughts, never reaching cessation, merely persisting,

tripping over letters & commas, exclamations

& questions,

but the period, the end, escapes her day after day, keeping her here among us, while she trips & chases the lines

the rest of us now control, lettered criminals

hiding from her the ideal spot.

Obsessive-Compulsive Trichotillomania1

Danielle Wong

Strands of hair on the

floor / chair / clothes

Reasons they're there (pick one): need haircut / aging days / self-inflicted Compulsion to twist / pull / yank out completely Pain equals holding back nails /swelling scalp / heartache where bald spots grow Dream of

stopping / not starting /feeling good in my skin Calm until thoughts enter: I'm doing something wrong - again anxiety - not good enough - again doubt worthy of any passion - again Left hand sneaks up unnoticed / scratches back of head

slips slowly away grabs a small lock / grabs the tip of one hair While listening or thinking wrap around finger / wrap around itself brittle knot firmly in place No one is looking nimble fingers, nimble thumb tug gently, twist fast tug, tug fast twist, twist faster twist / tug / twist / tug / twist / tug / twist / tug

rip ripple of calm floats through the body until ripraps build up, no

riposte can save me ripsaw thoughts cut me in little pieces

Join the conversation

movement picks up long strand now multiple knots not to be untied heat of eyes glued to my motions, not me

They notice and I feel ashamed, guilty slide my hair strand in my pocket smile as if nothing happened

Voices start

not real voices, but they do call please restart, do it again, again, again

Scalp throbs it calls me / it whispers the only way to stop this throb grab some hair, doesn't need to be much, and twist / pull

Scalp throbs the only way to stop this throb grab some hair, doesn't need to be much, and twist / pull

Scalp throbs hair-twist-tight-pull-yank hair

everywhere but not on head

not on head

End of day fingers shake / scalp swells / bald spot grows my shame grows shame becomes anger - anger at self anger becomes hatred - hatred of self hatred becomes a fist full of hair pulled hard and rolled into a ball of self-disgust

1 trichotillomania is the unnatural urge, or compulsion, to pull out one's hair; it is a mental illness that is common among people who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder

Danielle Wong is the author of the poetry collection, Bubble Fusion, that portrays life with an autistic child. Her work has appeared, or is forthcoming, in Montreal Writes, Tipton Poetry, Pendemic, The Pine Cone Review, Chronicling the Days (Guernica Editions), Resistance (University of Regina Press), among others. Visit her atdaniellewong.ca.