Why Happiness Week Makes Me Miserable

Cookies painted with smirking yellow faces. A petting zoo full of snarling behemoths. Students running around laughing — or are they?

The so-called “Happiness” Week descends upon Pinewood with its bright yellow exterior and sinister slogan of “You Deserve Happiness,” but it’s clear that Happiness Week signifies something much, much darker.

Is Happiness Week a distraction from the 8 billion tests that always line up perfectly with each new day of torture? Do teachers always wait in anticipation for a few students to get their heads bitten off by demon-dogs or die of food poisoning from mediocre boba?

Underneath the mask of teachers who always seem to be a bit too smiley, Happiness Week is a carefully-concocted scheme to push students to the brink of misery and depression.

“I know there’s something dubious going on here,” sophomore Audrey Liao said. “I just don’t think it is possible for people to be this stupidly excited and disgustingly smiley — the dry cookies can’t hide what they’re

Head of this scheme is none other than School Counselor Stephanie Fugita. According to Fugita, the first step in creating successful Happiness is the comtal isolation feels like they happy during conform or they will be eaten alive by the “mental-health” dogs that Fugita brings in to “help” and “calm” students.

“Eventually, I will win,” Fugita said. “Every student will join my group of zombie-minded chucklenuts. No one can stop me.”

For the students that escape Fugita’s hawk eyes, misery is brought to a new level when they discover that all of their compatriots have turned into mindless laugh-factories and that school no longer has educational value.

“With laughter as our priority, the teachers won’t have to teach, the students won’t have to study, and all I will have to do is sit here promoting ‘mental health’,” Fugita said.

Because Pinewood couldn’t even handle its students before the advent of Happiness Week, the state of the classroom has now gone from bad to worse.

“Day in, day out, I can’t hear myself think anymore,” junior high writing and literature teacher Kelly Spicer said. “Might as well just join the cacophonies of choking laughter and obnoxious snickering.”

With some additional Reddit hunts and Twitter rabbitholes, I think I know just who pushed Fugita over the edge. There is a government agency helping schools permanently indoctrinate students. The Child Indoctrination Association (CIA) has helped over 5,000 schools across the United States become garbage processing factories, foodie clubs, and even underground child labor networks. Pinewood got creative and is using Happiness Week to fool everyone. Happy students, “de-stressing,” and laughter only point to one thing: the CIA. Is Happiness Week a larger scheme to launder money or brainwash students? I can only assume it is.

Happiness Week is advertised to the students of Pinewood Upper Campus as a time for mental health awareness and wellness, but it is safe to say that I’m not buying it, and you shouldn’t either. It’s a tool of mass educational disruption and can only succeed in making school that much more miserable.

Everytime I walk on campus, I feel like a fraud. Everyone knows me as Raghav Ramgopal. The academic weapon. The person who enjoys raiding the Snack Shack until all of the double chocolate chip muffins disappear. The person who enjoys eating Cheetos while chugging a refreshing, cold carton of choccy milk (yes, it’s actually good, and, no, I will not take any hate about it). But, many don’t know that I am living a lie. No one knows that I am Hannah Montana.

You see, 10 years ago, when I was a first grader exploring all that life had to offer, Billy Ray Cyrus approached me.

“Now that my little Smiley may or may not be off to college — no one is allowed to know — I want you to take her place as Hannah Montana,” Cyrus said with a deep, raspy, Tennessee twang.

So, I snatched the wig from Cyrus’s hands and put it on. Magically, I became. . . Caucasian. No one could have ever realized that a sixyear-old was going on stage in front of millions to perform some of America’s favorite hits. I truly got the best of both worlds. Every shoe in every size and color, and $134 million! Life was exciting for a while. . . until it wasn’t.

In my 10 years as the blonde, teenage, Caucasian girl that has traveled into the hearts of millions around the world, I have had so many exciting adventures. I was invited to sing at the VMAs. I was invited to sing at the GRAMMYs. I even won a couple — four, to be exact — myself. I even sang for Congress! Yes, Diane Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi enjoy my music. But, I want to do it all as myself. I don’t want to keep this secret barreled up in me any longer. The world should know Raghav Ramgopal as the four-time GRAMMY winner and chart-topper. Not some made up, magical girl.

So, here I announce my relinquishment of this blonde wig. I renounce the $134 million. I renounce the best of both worlds. I want one world to be the best: the world of Raghav Ramgopal. I will be sad not to perform for a while, but this will be a good time for me to find myself. But, VEVO, if you want to hit me up, I’m willing to sign a $134 million contract!

DUMPLINGSSSSSS!!! (kinda)

Citing the all powerful Wiki, a dumpling is “pieces of cooked dough. . . often wrapped around a filling.” So using our cupcake batter as our tasty, crusty dough and our delicious, fresh (and definitely not squishy) fruits as our delectable filling, we decided to make some truly innovative dumplings.

Why did we decide to do this?

SH: To be honest, I have no clue. I don’t know how to bake. I was just there for the experience and the free food. SK: It was my ingenious idea. I take all the credit. :D KA: I’m still really confused as to why we did this. However, I was along for the ride (and to make sure nobody burned my kitchen down)!

SY: We’ve spent so long critiquing other people’s food and cooking skills that we felt it was our turn to flex our own kitchen creations. I think we decided to start with baking because cooking is a little advanced for us.

How did you expect this process to go and how did it actually go?

SH: I expected it to be rough, harsh, and absolutely horrid. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad, mainly because Karina did all the baking. I cracked one egg, was proud of myself, and called it a day after that. ALSO SALLY DID NOT PULL ANY WEIGHT EITHER SO SHE CAN’T EVEN BE CRITIQUING ME (see below).

SK: As expected Karina was our overlord. She barked orders to us and we scurried like mice to execute them (well, only some of us pulled our weight — *cough, cough Sam*). Trusting Karina’s supreme judgment and vast wealth of fancy food knowledge, we did good?

KA: Unfortunately, I had exceptionally low expectations. I watched Sophia crack an egg horribly wrong and then I took over.

SY: I definitely didn’t expect it to go smoothly, since Karina is the only baker in the bunch and she can’t control us three crazies. Needless to say, it was definitely a wild ride from top to bottom.

How were the cupcakes?

SH: Great. Probably got diabetes from eating so many of them.

SK: Absolutely delectable. Except for ones we baked fruit into — those were soggy and leaked all over my hand. KA: Kinda hard ngl. However, the buttercream and copious amounts of sprinkles made it much better.

SY: I’m one of those people where if it’s sweet enough, it’s edible. As long as I smeared enough of Karina’s lemon buttercream frosting on the cupcake and didn’t think too hard about it, the cupcake tasted yummy!

What was your most valuable takeaway from this experience?

SH: That Sophia can’t crack an egg.

SK: Karina makes bomb buttery frosting — would highly recommend it!

KA: Cracking an egg is a life skill.

SY: I can’t crack an egg.