A Proposed Return to Illiteracy

KARRY ON SON

Staff Ur Dad

Humanity has come a long way since the time when we communicated through grunting and crafted weapons out of sticks that we used to hunt the next day’s lunch. With communication and global interconnectedness has come knowledge, innovation, and, of course, the internet. The internet, a source of neverending useless Twitter fights and even more useless cat videos (which I will continue to send to all my friends), can be blamed for many of the problems that plague modern society like our miniscule attention spans, declining mental health, and “lack” of time.

To rectify this ever persistent problem, I recommend that we target the root cause of the problem: literacy. We need to stop teaching children to read.

By simply not teaching them how to read, any anxiety or tension caused by knowledge would simply dissipate, ultimately creating a society that prioritizes blissful ignorance. Ignorance will be inextricably tied to future generations’ wellbeing.

Today, while violence and famine still exist, mod-

Literary Statistics

ern literates face an additional challenge their ancestors could barely imagine: the internet. If children were not able to read, the internet, a looming void which is always threatening to drain our attention, mental space, and time, would simply have no appeal or even be a viable option that they could explore.

Future generations would never spend a frankly concerning amount of time typing and retyping messages to their crushes, fretting over their use of punctuation. Future generations would never experience the disorientation after coming to the realization that they just spent multiple hours down a Wikipedia rabbit hole. Unable to understand even basic words that would help direct them to video apps like YouTube, society would improve as people would have copious amounts of free time, unshackled from the internet.

To release ourselves from this prison of our own design, we need to stop teaching the children to read. As a society, we should wholeheartedly embrace the life styles of our ancestors who lived in a time where draw ing on cave walls made someone considered “highly communicable.”

According to very reliable sources outside of the Perennial’s own perfect staff

68.9% of the students and teachers at Pinewood make

Reeding Errors Daily

Lit Brawl Continued From Page 1

“My number one rhetorical device, which hasn’t changed since I was a schoolboy, is metaphors,” Schreiber said. “To be honest, now that I’m thinking about how much I love a good metaphor, I understand where [Wells] was coming from... He was just defending something important to him. I’d go to war if it meant preserving metaphors in an English curriculum.”

Additionally, students said fellow writing teacher Sabrina Strand was

METH SCANDAL CONTINUED FROM PAGE 3

Infuriated by her partner’s decisions, Hudson took it upon herself to become even more infamous than Walter White.

When the name “Hudsonberg” began to trend on the streets and social media, the power and fame got to her head.

Hudson became more careless, hiding money at Pinewood and watching and frantically scribbling in a notebook. Strand said she was writing a poem about the unfolding fight. Her poem will be published in Tabula Rasa’s next issue.

“I mean, it was like a real Shakespearean sword fight!” Strand said. “I only wish we had scheduled it to be during Celebration of Literature Week, because that would have gotten us some really great publicity.”

According to a press release from the school administration, Wells and Schreiber will need to reconcile their differences by writing haikus for each other and spending at least calling in sick much more often than normal, which caused students and teachers to become concerned.

However, everything changed when Ventrice was caught smuggling her last few bags of money into her Tesla Model Y in the campus parking lot. She was reported to the police, and forced to work with the Drug Enforcement Association to take down her colleague and former friend.

This story of partnership, dreams, three hours per week discussing literature.

Literature teacher Patricia Welze, who heard about the fight after it happened, proudly said she was not shocked by the incident because of the many years she’s worked with Wells and Schreiber.

“I’ve known David and Eric for so long, and they’re some of the most passionate educators I know,” Welze said. “This incident just exemplifies their true dedication to the subject of English. Yes, they got a little violent, but, what good book doesn’t have a fistfight or murder scene?” and betrayal has led both Hudson and Ventrice down a dark path. As both teachers await sentencing, Pinewood School is forced to find two new science teachers.

However, many questions remain. Are the stains on the walls of the science classrooms evidence of the teachers’ many crimes? Is there more money to be found on the Pinewood campus? Have other teachers been committing crimes?

All will be answered when the two go to trial in the coming months.