Dasani Changed My Life

What I did find surprising were the assumptions.

Why was it immediately assumed that I was an arsonist from only a slight appreciation of fire and explosives? After all, I could just be a pyromaniac with tendencies for destruction, which, in my opinion, is vastly different in so many ways that I could probably spend four hours, 23 minutes, and 18 seconds detailing to unfortunate witnesses.

I think it is very safe to assume that I have nothing to do with any fire-related incidents. In the incredibly unlikely chance of a neon orange truck abruptly exploding in an entirely accidental burst of flames, I

JAMIE BURPON Staff Burper

I remember that night well. I recall the man with the eye-patch and the silence of the park. I was hardly four and a half. The sole light that illuminated the park bench was starting to flicker, and my mother was nowhere to be found. That’s when he came, his rugged fig ure slowly emerging from the darkness, coated in a worn-out shade of black. I thought to flee, but stood my ground. He began to list the names of my parents, the ad dress of my home, and my favorite color of cotton candy. He was a soothsayer; he told me things about myself I could not even fathom. Finally, he pulled two bottles from his dark pockets and held them out in the low light. In his left, a bottle of normal SmartWater, and in his right, a strange-looking bottle labeled “Dasani.” He then gave me a choice. He said I could take the conventional SmartWater and go home, forgetting all about this scary night. On the other hand, I could take the peculiar “Dasani.” Finally, he said something that I will never forget: “Only discomfort leads to truth.”

Feeling curious, I took his advice. I grabbed the “Dasani” from his jagged hand, tentatively unscrewed the cap, and took a cautious first sip. I saw unexplainable things. Among them, I saw a world drinking only the normal SmartWater, a world content with the faint taste of comfortability forever. Suddenly, I wanted to curse this world and its seemingly perfect pH levels, for underneath the surface, its people appeared to have no purpose. This SmartWater world rocked me to my four and a half year-old core.

Still, I will always remember that first sip. That first sip was truly terrible; yet somehow, my second sip became a little bit easier, as well as the sip after that. Now, 12 years later, I am still feeling the impact that Dasani has left on my life. I am a better man today because of that soothsayer in the eyepatch, and the truths of life I have discovered through his lessons have been of immeasurable value. He and Dasani have taught me to indulge in being uncomfortable for it brings greater truth and purpose into a SmartWater-ed world.

If I could be completely honest, there is always the possibility that this whole story was just a deliberate scheme to get you to read more of Pinewood’s incredible newspaper, but I implore you to take the lessons of this narrative with you, wherever you go. And who knows, maybe when you find yourself alone in a park with a fortune teller and some bottles of water someday, you’ll know who to thank.