SHOCKED AND ANGERED: Literature Teachers Engage in VICIOUS BRAWL Over DISGRACEFUL REMOVAL of Rhetorical Device Chiasmus From Curriculum

Although Pinewood teachers are known for being dedicated to their subjects, the English department is particularly infamous for its passion for all things literature and writing-related. On Wednesday, these passions came to a head as literature teachers David Wells and Eric Schreiber got into a fistfight over Schreiber’s exclusion of chiasmus in his curriculum.

Student bystanders alleged that Wells and Schreiber were having a casual conversation about the changes they were making to their curricula for the next school year when Schreiber mentioned that he was dropping chiasmus from his curriculum. Wells immediately became angry and closed the classroom door, which shocked students because of Wells’ dedication to constantly keeping the door open, no matter the temperature. After some heated finger-pointing at the Shakespeare posters on the walls and each other, Wells and Schreiber squared up and began fighting, students said.

Chiasmus is a rhetorical device in which words, grammatical constructions, and phrases are repeated in reverse order to invert the meaning of the sentence.

Wells is famously known for his emotional attachment to chiasmus, often professing his love for the rhetorical device in the middle of class.

“I just don’t understand how anyone could dislike an aptly used chiasmus,” Wells said. “My favorite example of it is definitely a quote from John F. Kennedy’s inaugural address: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ Today, I decided that what I could do for my country was throw a punch in [Schreiber’s] face in defense of chiasmus lovers everywhere.”

Schreiber defended his decision to remove chiasmus from the curriculum, citing inexperienced freshmen.

“The freshmen I teach aren’t familiar enough with rhetorical devices, so I can’t really put something as advanced as chiasmus into my curriculum,” Schreiber said. “Even though it’s definitely dropped in my rhetorical device rankings after this incident, I have no hate in my heart for chiasmus.”

When asked about his rhetorical device rankings, Schreiber’s face began to take on a relaxed, dream-like look.