Raising Children Resilient

By Mary Jane Bogle

Emotional intelligence is a concept that has gained a lot of traction in recent years. Most of the current advice focuses on adults, but what about our kids?

If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that our children need that same kind of emotional intelligence now more than ever.

While we would all agree that our children need to develop resilience, the question remains: How can we equip them with the skills they will need in order to face whatever life throws at them?

Conventional wisdom has long suggested that people become resilient by learning to “tough it out,” shoving their feelings aside and refusing to cry. But what if everything we thought about this kind of toughness was wrong? What if, instead of encouraging kids to block their feelings, we created a place where they could talk about those emotions more, not less?

That’s the advice of speaker Sarah Moore, author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. According to Moore, the most resilient children are the ones who know how to express emotions effectively, not the ones who learn to “suck it up.”

If you’d like to encourage your children to develop this kind of emotional intelligence, here are five ways to build it:

1. Create strong parent-child bonds.

“We want to be the types of parents whose kids run to them, rather than away from them,” said Moore. In other words, children “need to know that we’ll love them unconditionally and support them when they struggle. We’ll answer their questions with love and compassion. We’ll show up for them when they need us.” This type of parenting creates a strong foundation of trust, a relationship that children will seek as they struggle, even into adulthood.

2. Work with your children to solve problems.

According to Moore, the essence of positive parenting is working with our children rather than against them to solve problems. Instead of dispensing punishment for misbehavior, said Moore, “we [need to] get to the root of the problem. We [must] find out what’s driving their actions and … respond with empathy and solutions that work for all involved.”

3. Give voice to your children’s emotions.

Acknowledging and naming feelings gives your children power over their emotions. This power, in turn, increases children’s ability to self-regulate. Minimizing those emotions or telling kids they are overreacting harms them more than helps them. According to Moore, “toughness alone leads to emotional distance and a whole host of potential struggles. When we focus on resilience with support, however, that raises mentally strong children who thrive because they felt emotionally safe enough to overcome adversity.”

4. Offer children self-regulation tools.

Instead of solving children’s problems, offer them options for directing their emotions in a positive direction. Moore recommends using the phrase, “I wonder” to help children make good decisions. Consider saying, “I wonder if a hug would help,” or “I wonder if some fresh air or a cold cup of water would be a good idea” as tools for redirection.

5. Praise children when they “bounce back.”

One key aspect of resilience is the ability to overcome negative situations. Each time your children discover a way to “bounce back,” be sure to praise their courage. Instead of focusing on mistakes, shine a spotlight on their resourcefulness. In doing so, you’ll be helping your children create a narrative that tells them they are strong enough to handle what life throws at them.

For those of us raised to the contrary, this approach might seem counterintuitive, but it’s supported by neurological research.

“When [kids are] emotionally triggered,” said Moore, “the limbic system (a more primitive part of the brain) takes over and effectively shuts off the frontal lobe, where most of our rational thoughts live where we can think about others’ experiences, offer compassion, and understand the consequences of our actions.”

Creating a safe space for children to explore emotions calms the limbic system. “Our goal,” said Moore, “is to help the body feel safety so that our frontal lobe can come back and join the whole brain party.”

Want to learn more about this kind of positive parenting? Check out Moore’s website at https://dandelion-seeds.com. And look for her book, Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior, at your favorite bookseller today. a

By Amber Bouthot