Give Us This Day our Daily Chuckle

This room? The batroom.

At the same time, you could skip across the border into Quebec –think of Ottawa overlooking Hull across the river -- and pick up a beer in the corner grocery store. If you lived close to the U.S. border, that’s where you headed on the weekend.

Or you stayed home and broke the law.

Also, everything was closed on Sunday. No movies. No sports. No shopping. Restaurants took turns to open for the after-church crowd and close the rest of the day. Downtown when I grew up was deserted on Sundays. That’s why people went visiting.

The time-bomb that obliterated all these barriers was ignited on a balmy Easter Sunday morning.

According to custom, an Eastern European family had gathered at a relative’s home. Because it was a such a nice day, the meal was served at a picnic table in the back yard.

A neighbor peeking out a secondstory window spotted a man giving a young girl -- she was about 10 at the time– a glass of wine amidst the family gathering enjoying the springtime holiday and called the police. It turned out to be the son of the owner of the house giving his daughter the wine.

(As part of our Italian way of life, we broke the law most Sundays because my brother and I were allowed a glass of wine with Sunday dinner after church.)

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

The initial draft of this historic change was a brief roundup paragraph I pulled off the Easter Sunday police blotter.

As it turned out, the gent broke several laws. Not only did he give a minor an alcoholic drink, he gave someone a drink while not in his domicile since the crime occurred at his parents’ house, and he gave alcohol to someone who didn’t live there.

When the accused was arraigned on Monday morning, his court-appointed lawyer urged leniency because the action was an acceptable family tradition at such festive occasions.

The man responsible for pulling the trigger that shot down the dozens upon dozens of arcane blue laws that governed the lifestyle of more than one-third of Canada’s population was Crown Attorney Harold Daufman, the Canadian counterpart to a U.S. district attorney.

Daufman prosecuted the case with his usual vigor. The accused pleaded not guilty but admitted giving his daughter the wine. His attorney’s defense elaborated upon and emphasized that family was simply following the customs and traditions of their homeland.

All that didn’t apply in Ontario and the verdict from the bench was guilty of breaking those dust-crusted laws and a fine was levied.

When the magistrate – equivalent to a municipal judge in the U.S. –

Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.

A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?” rapped up the case with his gavel, Daufman asked for a recess, took the convicted and confused father by the elbow, and walked out of the courtroom. Then he lapelled the defense attorney and told the two men to appeal the conviction because the laws he’d just fought to uphold were absurd.

How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

The attorney agreed and, to persuade the still-addled father who was just convicted of contributing to his daughter’s delinquency, committed to do it for free to help untangle the twisted legal views of Demon Rum.

As details of the court case were picked up from our initial reporting by news organizations and politicians across the land, the appeals process picked up speed. It took only a few months to have the case processed. And the convictions overturned.

Many a toast was raised to that and a new way of life opened up for the 10-plus million men, women and children in Ontario.

Restaurants began opening on Sunday and serving libations with their meals. Cocktail bars sprang up. Sunday laws crumpled and families could pack in their groceries and sales items on Sunday. Or go to the movies. And you could take a case of beer on your Sunday visit without breaking the law.

All because of a little pre-history incident I happened to witness and record for posterity.

How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me.

Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

Where does Batman go to the bath-

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.

I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? “Dill me in!”

How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.

How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.

Chuckles

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen reigned there for decades.

You know there’s no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” whack.

A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can’t part with it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” It was a running joke.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? “You look drunk.”

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! Wait…

You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

“I stand corrected!” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.