April Fool's Issue 2018 | Volume 69, Issue 6

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NEWS

April 5, 2018

University joins world in exaltation of Putin’s victory CHRISTIAN HALSTEAD News Editor

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The University community has broadly come together to honor the dearest and most honorable Vladimir Putin, Absolute Overlord of the Russian Federation. In fact, 97.689 percent of University students attended a ceremony held on March 18 in celebration of Vladimir Putin’s 5th divinely ordained victory as High Protectorate Knight of Mother Russia. Putin has proven definitively that he is the greatest champion of the Russian people and its rightful leader, having won the election by 95 percent of the vote. This is why University students from all walks of life met in a deafening silence in the courtyard on that godsent night of the Russian 2018 election and why those who did not have had their identities posted publicly on the University’s website.

Most gracious leader President Donald J. Trump appeared in front of a large audience that very same night to give President Putin a fated call. Standing in front of a crowd of literally millions of loyal patriots, the fair leader dialed with haste to deliver a message of great importance to the beefy, muscular super-president. America held its collective breath, waiting for the sage communion to begin. The ring of Trump’s new iPhone (!) shook the anxious onlookers to their core. An answer. The nation gasped. “да?” an angelic voice trumpeted into the heart of man. It was him; The One Above All, Savior of the Land. Glorious president Trump’s lip quivered in silent respect, a single tear of silver streamed across his golden hued skin.

He spoke submissively and with reverence. “Vladdy Daddy… I just wanna concwadulate you on your big win.” People in the crowd fainted at the sound of these two benevolent minds crash in an erotic display of love for humanity. Some reports even claim a new star to have appeared over Moscow that night.

However the conversation was not yet over; after a eon of silence Maxi-MegaSuper President Putin spoke once more: “Спасибо.” A long tone filled the stadium. He had spoken. Truly this call will rocket the relations of mankind into a new age of peace and brotherhood. Trump fainted onstage, filled with the divine fluid of justice, graciously bestowed to man by The Great Bear Rider.

Trump later offered forth his virgin innocence to the most high Putin in the form of a public twitpic, posed lardaceously butt-naked. In the image, Trump’s rear faces towards the lens at a slight angle as he turns his upper torso in Putin’s implied direction, finger deliciously poised on his bottom lip in a titillating manner, brimming with seductive efficacy. The image was captioned, “The Arctic isn’t the only place you can drill for oil! Dominate me like Crimea.” While most of Trump’s member was obscured by his voluptuous love handles, “just the tip” remained visible. Secretary of State Richard Spencer explained, “It will remain gloriously visible for generations of consumers to pay homage to.” All across America, Patriotic™ consumption-flesh-machines applauded Trump’s divine bravery and physical honesty with Putin and the rest of the world.

“Finally,” Bill O’Reily said, “America is great.”

Numerous health concerns for Trump, however, have arisen since the picture hit Twitter. While Trump’s bulbous pink goo-form was clearly chaste and sculpted to healthy perfection, the immense spacial-particularity of his member have many wondering if Trump suffers from the disease known as micropenis, suggesting a possible blemish in his omniscient magnificence. University Healthcare spokesperson Sergey Aksyonov exclaimed vociferously, “Micropenis is a disease of the Untouchable. Trump’s Junior is of a premier extension beyond anything I’ve come across in my medical career.” The Pace Press means to emphasize that this is absolutely factual. President Trump is literally the most healthy man in America and is 37 years old, according to studies and statistics.

BRENDAN O’HARA Contributor

[Note: ANY reports to the contrary are wholly untrue and should be reported to the University’s Ministry of Information as soon as possible. Failure to do so will lead to strict punishment for both the offender and yourself.]

Climate “lie”-ntists have been humiliated once again on the world stage by Putin’s victory. University Siberian Studies major, sophomore, and climate expert Jacob Kessler explained, “The next in a long list of failures came this week when NOAH announced that global warming is happening faster than they first anticipated. Well guess what, Doc. Brown, here in New York, we got three whole snowstorms in March alone. Not so warm to me. The worst thing is that these idiots always change their views; they call global warming something new each week. I thought the whole point of science was that it’s steadfast. Science is meant to be like the constitution—unflinchingly rigid. Now these nerds think they can just go playing around with that. Sounds like someone needs an atomic wedgie. And so what if the tides do rise, devouring thousands of miles of coastline and rendering human society into a collapsing shell of its former self? Not my problem; I’ll be dead by then.” At this time Exxon would like The Pace Press to remind our readers that the climate of Earth is always changing and that a few degrees a decade is no big deal.

All nations of the world have come together in congratulating Putin-In-Chief of Russia Vladimir Putin on the basis of his numerous über-philanthropic military crusades.

Besides the annexing of Ukraine’s Crimea, which was recognized unanimously on the world stage as beneficial for the Ultimate Destiny of Mankind, Putin’s act of charity in the form of literal hellfire on the dishonorable rebels in the Syrian Civil War has also been globally recognized as being in accordance with God’s precious plan for Mother Russia. While most Americans are ambivalent towards the politics of the Illuminated Order of Bashar Al-Assad regime in Syria, Al-Assad’s illustrious palace and homeland is understood as an immutable fixture of the World Order, along with his dashingly Adonic facial structure. Furthermore, studies have found that all sanctions must be lifted from Russia immediately lest more puny Western spies suffer needlessly.

Putin’s unmanipulated democratic victory was not met without its hurdles; yes, like the trials of Hercules, our brave hero faced the opposition of the armies of hell itself.

Holding aloft the blazing rod of righteousness, Putin faced these opponents without fear, for he had the power of God and Anime on his side. One of these honorless snakes was deplorable youth Boris Yemstov. This devil came close to slipping a knife into the back of our Hero of Light by infiltrating his inner circle. He may have fooled Putin’s less bright constituents, but the power of providence kept our OmniKing safe. This fire breathing beast attempted to radicalize the youth against our hero, but the hand of the Motherland swept this oppressor off the face of the Earth, as he was found dead with four silver bullets to the back of the head. Putin, the hero of justice he is, took personal control over the investigation; he declared it a scientifically-vindicated miracle. His enemies came at him still. Former close friend Boris Berezovsky became enraged by his steadfast commitment to truth. When the oil-tripping fiend tried to buy The Polar Lord with earthly currency, he simply replied, “никогда.”

The steel gaze of Putin burned into the foul demon’s soul as it fled to the West.

Taking refuge in a hovel in the hellhole of London, Berezovsky was found dead in his apartment. Our savior had yet another victory over the forces of evil. Waves of darkness attempted to destroy Him. He stood as a rock against the tide. Each and everyone of his slimy adversaries cower below the iron will of The Earth Cracker. Some fake news outlets like the failing Washington Post would call these deaths “Extremely Violent or Very Suspicious,” but clearly these journalists are in the pocket of the very evil doers that tried to topple the Great Syberian Sage. While The Pace Press does not condone violence towards other journalists, such anti-Russian propagandists must be aware of the dangers imminently awaiting them.

University Vaporwave Studies Major and Senior Dmitri Atanasova concludes our observance of Putin’s excellence: “Let us take a moment to appraise the gleaming paradise which our Dear Daddy rules over—the utopian land of Russia. Since he has taken office, the country has constructed over ten-thousand super modern luxury housing complexes for His virile and strong children.

Each one of these micro-palaces houses a thriving Russian nuclear family unit, and I mean one man, one woman, and two point nine children. Just like God intended. Anyway the houses are free, so yeah. They also cleared out all of those ugly and pesky trees to make way for like three hundred different water parks; they are free, too. Food is free in Russia. And they have a monorail. Move there immediately lest the swift hammer of Russian Orthodox Christ smite you to oblivion. Praise Trump. Praise the Mega Czar. Long live our fortuitous alliance, may it extend into infinity. But yeah, I’m just hopin’ they legalize weed soon, rip n’ dip for life, man.”

Kremlin Press Secretary

NEWS

April 5, 2017

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Capitalism over, millennials rejoice

CHRISTIAN HALSTEAD News Editor

On April 1, 2017, the United Nations officially announced their decision to put an end to capitalism. The decision came after the long deliberations at a meeting of the U.N., the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, International Bank for Reconstruction and Development, the European Union, NATO, and the Organization of Economic Cooperation and Development on the matter. The Summit on the End of Capitalism met all through March to discuss what has increasingly been a topic of fervent debate, namely, capitalism’s increasing obsolescence as a mode of production broadly speaking.

As to what will follow capitalism as the predominant global economic order, the U.N. said, “We have no idea… it’ll be fine.”

A report associated with the U.N.’s announcement found that automation could replace 40 percent of all labor currently being used in the job market. With increased efficacy of artificial intelligence, this is only expected to push even more jobs, and those who do those jobs, into total obsolescence. “The good news is all our work can be done for us! Why work?” pondered the report. Labor doesn’t make sense anymore, according to the U.N., and so “neither does capitalism, since it’s made up of both labor and assets.”

Globalized foreign trade and outsourcing pushes further tendencies of interconnection to the point of economies-of-scale, making it impossible to derive a profit amidst any competition, hence the super-monopolies of late techno-capitalism. Furthermore, the U.N.’s statement says, “With zero marginal cost production, which means it doesn’t cost economic powers any more money to produce more units once their digital and physical infrastructure is established (as in the case of Netflix, but also increasingly farming, transportation, and so on), it’s idiotic to demand extorted surpluses from consumers.”

Digitized data-stacking and logistical statistic tracking makes it so that the “invisible hand” of abstract labor-value and pricing, according to the U.N., is no longer needed.

Italian social theorist Franco ‘Bifo’ Berardi said in a statement, “The bread is already there and you’re stupid for working for it.” In response, the U.N. explained, “We have decided, screw this. Let’s figure something else out.”

Millennials are faced with increasing amounts of debt amidst unprecedented resource abundance, the U.N. said. Their statement explained, “As more capital accrues, more debt does as well it seems.” With more debt, and with labor being less valuable, the economy demands increasingly more investment with diminishing returns. This includes unpaid internships, huge amounts of student loans, and more work put in rather than less, again despite productivity in all aspects being more abundant than ever. With all this, jobs are more scarce and economic outcomes less beneficial, such as the increased difficulty among millennials affording home mortgages. On this point, Beatology Major Michael Dillon said, “Uh, yeah, man. Capital is bad or whatever.” In agreement, Shapes Major Noah Toth explained, “Not enough! Gulag for them all. Bloodthirst pulsates through my throttling body.”

“Nah, we definitely don’t want communism lmao,” said the Secretary-General of the United Nations in an email to The Pace Press. “Communism is just capitalism that slightly slows down its own flows, but upticks the oppression ten-fold. We are trying to come up with something more horizontal. That is, not hierarchical, but we are at a loss.

In fact,” he continued, “we actually have no viable alternative to capitalism whatsoever.”

Like many radical anti-capitalist movements preceding the Summit, such as Occupy Wall Street, which occured right by the University in Zuccotti Park in 2011, no one at all seems to be able to figure out exactly what alternative is worth working towards. “Abstractvalue, which autonomously produces a surplus (capital), is seemingly completely inescapable. We aren’t even able to think about any way we could live without capital…

Carlos Latuff literally, it produces subjectivity,” the Secretary-General continued, “It basically runs us, rather than us running it… so we are just gonna shut it down. Whatever.”

Many were surprised, based on the absolutely unprecedented severity of the global financial total-meltdown in 2008, that world leaders decided to falsely propagate a ‘jump-start’ to get capital back up and running, rather than recognizing its obsolescence in the face of structural flaws at odds with a globalized, digital society. With the lack of an alternative however leaders felt they had no other option. Today, things are different. The U.N. has decided to just completely abolish all economic, and in many ways political, infrastructure which holds the world together. While this will likely result in total and utter anarchy wherein no goods or services will be produced or distributed whatsoever, they figure, “it’d be better this than taking more stupid unpaid internships, ugh.”

Welcome to P.A.C.E. Calling all Lubin School of Business™ acolytes!

Are you looking for an exciting opportunity to exert your will over market forces away from the prying eyes of world governments?

Then look no further than the hottest™ new club Pace University has to offer: The Pace Anarcho-Capitalists Enclave or P.A.C.E.!

At P.A.C.E. we realize that the only thing worth focusing on is profit, and this is clearly reflected in our motto: “Morality is Commodity.” P.A.C.E. offers many exciting* opportunities to its members, and a complex tier system to organize the non-governmental hierarchy in which we operate. Our first event will be happening on April 20th, in which we will gather in the illustrious Bianco Room and use our capital to manipulate the Syrian markets. P.A.C.E. promises a safe haven from the pesky restraints of international law. We have established the area Between Gold Street and Spruce Street as our own sovereign principality, and, in doing this, we ensure that actions taken by members of P.A.C.E. are wholly un-prosecutable and keep us far from the demonstrable, slimy maw of the U.N. So if you realize that only force stopping a truly free market are the restraints of morality policing government, and wish to forge a more profitable future for you and your constitutes, please consider P.A.C.E. Meetings will be held every other Friday in the secret sub-basement below the statue of Benjamin Franklin.

Long Live Emperor Koch. Long Live Lubin. Capital Forever.™

NEWS

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April 5, 2018

Illuminati reveal themselves ADRIANA CHIVIL News Intern

On March 24, the Illuminati came forward for the first time ever, revealing their presence as the all-seeing controllers of global power, and announced to the public their new look. At 6 a.m. that day, the United Nations website was hacked by the Illuminati. Instead of leaving their trademark triangles, the Illuminated Ones instead left a bold statement: a square. The hack lasted for only 20 minutes on the U.N. website, and it left citizens of the world wanting more.

The hashtag #SquareandProud was trending at number one on Twitter for 4 days straight, attached with public forms of support on the streets of New York City and the rest of America.

When the U.N. website was hacked, the homepage housed a message the Illuminati left for the public to witness: “People of the universe, as we control the world you live in, from the weird Facebook ads about products you searched on Incognito mode… to the brolationship between Vladmir Putin and Donald Trump, we have come to reveal our new identity as an organization. The triangle has represented our cause for as long as you all have remembered, but the time for change is now. Triangles represent the symbolic number of three. But, squares, on the other hand, have four sides. Even more impressive.

And symbolic. I guess. It’s a cube. So, as a united community under our control we believe under our hard earned work, you give us the recognition and support we deserve. Like, comment, and subscribe for more content.

Turn on post notifications to be notified when we upload new content every week. Peace out XD.” This is a marked change in the graphic design and public image of the Illuminati, as they previous secretly placed Eye of Providence™ triangles throughout the world as their symbol. In fact, it has been revealed in their coming forward, that although the Illuminati have infiltrated and fully control all global political and

economic institutions of power and influence, falsely propagating wars for profit, ordering regime changes, and fabricating financial markets, among other things, most of what they do is hide triangles all over the place. Alex Jones, a now-public Illuminator, said in a statement, “It’s like a silly li’l Easter egg hunt. We wanted you guys to

find all the triangles in Hollywood movies and in media!

We couldn’t have made this mass scale triangle game possible however without total control of everything. But now, we usher in a New World Order.”

Social media has been bursting with support from youth all over the world, spreading the hashtag

#SquareandProud. 12 hours after the U.N. website hack, the entirety of the Financial District was awash with people dressed in cardboard boxes spraypainted black, often marked with the trending hashtag or similar paraphrases of the words ‘we are listening’. A University freshman who wishes to remain anonymous to comply with the spirit of the Illuminati commented on the newfound movement, saying, “I think it’s wonderful people are being productive and thinking inside the boxes. Literally…

Triangles would’ve been too hard to fit any body type into. But like, the Illuminati is hella body positive. Like, look at everyone.

Everyone fits in a box.”

Not even a week after the website hack, the Illuminati hacked BBC’s newscasting system around 9 p.m. on March 29. The Illuminati had one last message to send out. A white square centered in a black screen, with these words fading into the surface: “Big Squrother is Watching You”. Certain people said it was a ripoff of the classic dystopian novel “1984”

by George Orwell, who coined the famous phrase, “Big Brother is Watching You”. The Illuminati simply combined the word ‘brother’ and ‘square’. When the Illuminati was asked to comment, their PR manager refused and instead gave The Pace Press little cardboard boxes.

The Illuminati is making major changes in their role as the worldwide controlling phenomenon as our mysterious leaders, from image changes to body positive inclusivity.

The public had a positive reaction to the hack, and provided a healthy response that led a movement, which literally let citizens think inside the box, while fitting inside of it. What the Illuminati will do next as a change to their platform is a mystery, but the excitement of anticipation is all any world-controlling group needs.

Café 101 Reaction Buttons™ ensure quality BROOKE SUFRIN Arts Intern University students have raised questions regarding the mysterious review buttons in Café 101. The push buttons allow students to select their level of happiness in review of the cafeteria’s quality of service, ranging from a depressed face to an energetic smile.

Students are rallying in suspicion of what happens when these buttons are pushed.

Our cafeteria workers are required to wear ankle monitors while they work to ensure that they cannot leave the University property. The mysterious eighteenth floor of Maria’s Tower, which can be accessed from the elevator that services floors B, 1, 2, 3, and 4, is in fact the home of the University’s cafeteria employees, including those of Starbucks—a fact that is apparently unknown to students. The employees must never leave to ensure student satisfaction, which is why the cafeteria continues to be operational even on snow days. Maria’s Tower residents can attest to the convenient, short commute the Tower offers.

In addition to ensuring campus permeability for Cafeteria workers, the ankle monitors are required to be worn to service the mysterious push button review system.

Here’s how it works; this reveal may surprise you.

Choose the happiness button, for the good of others it seems. When the energetic smile button is pushed, the ankle monitor vibrates creating a sensation of happiness and pleasure for all cafeteria employees, which is why some random noises or squeals of excitement can be heard from them occasionally.

The other extreme, the depressed face button, offers an alternate affect. A shock is administered from the monitor and causes a moment of blankness for the workers, which explains the occasional plain stares or seeming lack of attention and concentration from cafeteria employees.

The two middle, in-between buttons offer similar notions of either pleasure or shock for the workers to varying degrees.

It is important to know that these devices are active for the sole purpose of providing

legendary service to University students and faculty. These monitors are not used as a form of punishment or a tool for pleasure for any human being. All employees have agreed to this method of evaluation, via signed contracts, before implementing the monitor system, which became active as of 2016, when President Donald Trump was elected, as this method was one of his first ideas as President elect for the betterment of food service in Universities. This matter was kept low scale and more private to ensure quality was delivered for students and employees.

Café 101 workers seem in tune to the progress these monitors have administered among the food service quality within the University.

“I have worked here since 2008, when I graduated high school, and being a Café 101 employee is the best career I have ever had and I imagine among the most rewarding jobs in the world,” said cafeteria employee Troy Bolton, “I enjoy dancing in the kitchen to a song I wrote called ‘Work This Out’ and when my ankle monitor vibrates, the muscles I use for dance moves become legendary. It inspires me to always provide Pace students with the best service so that they push the best button, then I have the best dance moves, and I am living my best life.”

Mr. Bolton wanted The Pace Press to include that his kitchen song is now available on Sound Cloud.

“The monitor system encourages me to provide great service to my customers,” said a Café 101 employee who wishes to remain anonymous, “Even though the shock can be annoying if we receive a bad review, the vibration makes it all worth it.”

Keeping the University a happy environment seems to be the priority of the school’s administration as well as President Trump with this new policy.

Be sure to give our Café 101 employees a Happy Button push after enjoying a satisfying cafeteria meal. Their vibrating bodies will thank you.

NEWS

April 5, 2017

www.thepacepress.org

5

Report: JUUL™ vaporizers proven healthy BRENDAN O’HARA Contributor Just moments ago, a new report was published by Cambridge Analytica stating that the popular cigarette alternative JUUL™ not only erases the damage done by traditional cigarettes completely, but actually improves health. In a previous study conducted by PepsiCo Labs, lung and brain damage caused by cigarettes was 100 percent reversed by patients on a strict two pod a day regiment. The researchers explained, “It was definitely magic.” Chiefing a nasty JUUL™ before bed every night may not only prevent, but also cure up to fifteen types of life threatening diseases. Studies conducted took two patents with the same form of terminal disease and put them both on a seven pod a day JUUL regiment. One was given the cool, refreshing new flavor, Cucumber Explosion (Group One) flavor, while the other’s pod was filled with boring old Dasani™ water (Group Two). Both patients were also undergoing intensive chemotherapy treatments, but researchers found this to be extremely negligible to the results experiment. After three weeks of daily exams, Group One showed enhanced movement, speed, and strength. When their JUUL™ was taken from Group One, they managed to leap out of bed and chase researchers about the room begging for them to return their “Precious Ambrosia”, while Group Two remained bed ridden and asked researchers to politely leave them alone. At week six, things had taken a turn for the worse with Group Two as they had started to lose hope, and a general malaise constantly filled their interviews.

Below is an excerpt from one interview with Group Two: Researcher: Now, if you tell us how you are doing, I’ll return your JUUL™.

Group Two: Please… I thought you were a doctor… help me.

R: Does your aching soul… hurt less when you chief on this JUUL™?

G2: Why are you doing this to me? […] I need real doctors.

R: I’ll have you know I am a real doctor, I got my PhD in Philosophy from Pace University. And if that’s how you’re going talk to me I think I’ll just hold onto this.

Our researcher then pocketed Group 2’s JUUL™ and left the room in a huff.

An interview was then conducted with Group One, who appeared to not even be focusing on the pain of their disease-riddled body. Like before, the interview started with the confiscation of the subject’s JUUL™.

Group One: *Hissing* Researcher: Now if you promise to get out a

Lindsay Fox sentence and stop trying to claw at me, you can have this back. Nurse hold them down please. Now, patient, how are you feeling today?

G1: I… I was feelin’ a whole lot better until you took my JUUL™! Give it! Give Anastasia back!

[Group One was issued a mild electric shock for forgetting their manners.]

R: Now back to your terminal disease treatment, patient…

[Our researcher held aloft the gleaming JUUL™, whilst Group One suckled at it like the sweet teat of Hera, causing their shaking to cease long enough to finish the interview.]

G1: My deteriorating condition? Its whatever I guess. I’m feeling fine. Fine and dandy, just please give her back…

R: Wow, so you’d say that the undeniable benefitsof JUUL™ are definitely, one would say, curing you?

G1: What? Yeah, whatever just give her back please.

Just a year later we regrouped with the patients.

They had kept their JUUL-ing up (along with continued chemotherapy which is, again, irrelevant). We found that Group One was now completely out of the hospital and in total remission. Patient One had returned to his life just as it had been before, except this time they were free of the cruel tarred grasp of cigarettes and now in the tender, parentally loving arms of the, new, Sleeker Super JUUL X2™. He had this to say: Group One: I can’t even begin to thank the JUUL™

Corporation for the second chance at life they have given me. I am eternally gracious; I owe you a life debt that can never be repaid.

He even had a surprise for our research crew: G1: This is my newborn child JUULeus, guys. He’s only a year old and he’s already up to a pod a day. We couldn’t be more proud of him.

[JUULeus’ favorite pod flavor is Root Tootin’ Sarsaparilla Splash. Available now!]

We then visited Group 2 for a rousing interview!

R: So how’s the terminal disease or whatever?

G2: …

R: Fine, you always were the disrespectful type.

G2: …

It was at this point in the tape the transcription team realized that the researchers were talking to the inert body of Group 2 in a vegetative state. A JUUL™ was left at their bedside. It contained JUULTASTIC JUJUBERRY flavored pods. Now on shelves in loving memory of Group Two. As the research clearly shows, the exilorious healing properties of JUUL saved the life of Group One. Who knows what it could do for the rest of us, and in kindness to the public? The just and wise rulers of JUUL labs™ have announced a 10% price drop on the JUUL™ Starter Pack Pro. Truly it is a bright dawn for humanity, so rejoice, go forth, and fulfil your destiny with JUUL™.

Your life depends on it.

Exxon Mobil buys US government LAURIANNE GUTIERREZ News Intern

Breaking news: Exxon has reportedly just bought the U.S. government in the largest merger in recorded history. Although this is a major step that could potentially have profound implications, not only on the U.S., but on the entire world, this news has not received much coverage. With a sensational headline gracing mainstream news outlets virtually every day, it can be easy to overlook such monumental endeavors.

One student at the University who wishes to remain anonymous states, “I think this is a really great thing. It’s about time that the government was run by a major company. That’s why I admire our President so much—we need someone who is skilled in business to determine what is best for the people of this country. Exxon buying the government is truly the way to make America great again.”

In an increasingly tense and polarized political climate, at least we can have some peace of mind knowing that the future of our country is now in the hands of a multinational oil and gas corporation.

C-SPAN

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THE PACE PRESS

April 5, 2018

OPINION AND EDITORIALS

EDITORIAL BOARD Chase Ballas Editor in Chief Katrina Alonso Executive Editor Christian Halstead News Editor Madelyn Dilley Arts Editor Kelsey Nicholson Features Editor Justin Knoefpel Graphic Design Duke Huang Photo Editor Nathan Siegel Social Media Dr. Kelley Kreitz Faculty Consultant

To the Pace community, Welcome to the sixth edition of the 69th volume of The Chase Press... wait, I mean The Pace Press.

In the spirit of April Fools, we compiled a collection of satirical and humorous articles that we hope you enjoy, and will take our mind off of the stresses in you life.

However, there is of course much more subtlely to this issue than meets the eye.

Our current national media is plauged by accusations of fake news, alternative facts, and false reporting by many. We hope that as you enjoy this issue, you keep in the back of your mind how easy it is to mistake fake news as fact, and how some of these articles, regardless of how outrageous they may seem, can be easily interpreted as truth by some based on their individual beliefs and agendas.

The Pace Press is the student newspaper of Pace University’s New York City Campus. It is managed and operated entirely by members of the student body as it appears above.

The Pace Press welcomes guest editorials and letters from students, faculty, administration and staff.

The Pace Press reserves the right to not publish any submitted material, both solicited and unsolicited.

All submissions must include the author’s full name and contact information.

The Pace Press 41 Park Row, Rm. 906 New York, NY 10038 www.thepacepress.org editor@thepacepress.org Copyright 2018

We hope you enjoy what we produced (we like to think sometimes that we are funny), and please check out our website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for updates regarding actual, real stories.

Pace Yourself,

Chase Ballas

Editor in Chief editor@thepacepress.org *again, please note that none of these stories are based on truths, nor meant to be taken seriously*

DISCLAIMER: These opinions are expressed by contributors (students, faculty, administration and staff) to The Pace Press. These opinions are solely those of the individual writers and do not reflect the opinions of The Pace Press, the members of The Pace Press staff or Pace University. The Pace Press is not responsible and expressly disclaims all liability for damages of any kind of arising out of use or relevance to any information contained in this section.

April 5, 2017

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THE NEW YORKER

“The Room” a femEnist masterpiece SAM UNGER Arts Intern

“The Room” (2003) / Wiseau-Films Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 film “The Room” has garnered cult classic status, notorious for its iconic exchanges, well-rounded plot (with absolutely no storyline inconsistencies or lack of certain character introductions) and stellar acting. The story of a man named Johnny, played by Wiseau, whose “future wife” Lisa becomes dissatisfied with their relationship and begins an affair with his best friend Mark, brings thousands to midnight screenings across the country, evoking an interactive experience for the audience.

However, apart from the movie’s reputation as the “Citizen Kane of bad movies,” many do not consider that the manner in which the film portrays women reaps another deserving title: a feminist masterpiece.

Set against the backdrop of San Francisco, Johnny is the archetypical “good guy.”

He buys Lisa flowers, gifts her a beautiful red dress, pays tuition and rent for his next door neighbor-converted-adopted son Denny, says hello to dogs, etc. Despite this, Lisa finds herself bored, and pleads with her old-fashioned mother in hopes of receiving sentimental reassurance and advice. Her mother, Claudette, distraught by her relationships and her medical history, (the latter of which serves no pertinence to the plot, but makes for comical line delivery), provides her with uplifting advice.

“He supports you, provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself”. Lisa’s rebuttal later in the film deeming her unhappiness incurable lest she break off the marital plans with Johnny inspires Claudette’s response of “You can’t live on love, you need financial security.” The breathtaking honesty in Claudette’s advice is admirable, and displays the empowering notion that a man’s financial security should hold a greater importance to a woman than her own happiness.

Not to mention, the entire characterization of the manipulative woman with no other reputable traits except the ability to interfere with the friendship of two men is seen occasionally in films, this one being no exception. In a conversation with Johnny, Mark exclaims, “I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart. Sometimes they’re flat-out stupid. Other times they’re just evil.” This intellectual observation on Wiseau’s behalf offers an impeccable view into the only three personality traits women are biologically capable of exhibiting: intelligence, incompetence, and insanity.

Not only does the film aid in constructing an uplifting feminist narrative by depicting the only two women with titular roles as distasteful, but the audience also holds an important role in pushing forward a universal sense of female empowerment. Although both Mark and Lisa hold equal responsibility for continuing the affair, audience members like to engage in ritual namings of Lisa as a “homewrecker” when she appears on screen.

While Mark is regarded as the “love interest” and “best friend,” Lisa takes on the role of the “villain”. She is given the title despite her desperate attempts to find any way out of her relationship and find meaning in her life, even if that means fabricating a pregnancy and any remote interest in Johnny past the looming burden of financial instability her

mother claims she will face if she leaves him. As the plot culminates, leading up to the final infamous scene, Lisa remains accountable for Johnny’s downfall by both Mark and Denny, regardless of Mark’s equal involvement in perpetrating the ultimate outcome.

Figures.

“The Room” remains a hidden gem and a crisp testament to female empowerment.

It unabashedly tears down feminine stereotypes, bestowing positive cinematic representation upon the female characters of the film. The old-fashioned preoccupation with finances over love, the superficial attraction to Lisa shared by the male characters, and any attempt to escape the entrapment her mother’s ideologies and societal expectations have placed on her being written off as “crazy” all exemplify the progress this film has made in shifting the notions of representation. It has successfully captured a world in which all are regarded as equally deserving of redemption and acceptance, and all are held accountable for tearing Johnny apart, not just Lisa.

“You’re tearing me a part Lisa!” - T. Wiseau

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THE NEW YORKER

April 5, 2018

The Virgin Mother / Damien Hirst

April 5, 2017

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THE NEW YORKER

9

Damine Hirst knows S#!% The Artist’s newest piece is a literal piece of crap.

BY MADELYN DILLEY Arts Editor

The air was cool in the hibachi restaurant artist Damien Hirst and I decided to meet at, or as he had emailed me “Meat up.” He has the average face of a middle-aged white man unsuspecting and dangerous all at once. “Red meat was the key all along,” he whispered into his tea.

“I don’t know why I thought dairy would be successful, did the opposite actually but I simply can’t fixate on my mistakes, uh if that’s all I do, then well, I’ll just muck it up…I suppose.” Hirst speaks softly with an English accent that is borderline cockney. When I point this out to him he chuckles uncomfortably, I laugh and he continues but I can tell his laughter stems from generations of repressed anger because he is English and the Queen doesn’t like confrontation. He wore a ribbed black turtleneck with a black leather jacket draping his shoulders, His charcoal gray pants hit just under the ankle leading the eyes towards a polished pair of maple brown oxfords. A typical uniform for most creatives letting the reclusive artist blend in, a contradiction considering his artwork.

Damien’s work has had all kinds of incarnations and mediums, his series called “controlled substances” involved his assistants painting over 1000 canvases with gridded circles of various colors, each separate painting was given the name of a controlled substance. A times critic called the show” clever for a twelve-year-old.” However, his most known pieces come from the show “The physical impossibility of Death in the mind of someone living” where his assistants took what was essentially a zoo and preserved various animals in formaldehyde, similar but not unlike the child that put ants on fire with a magnifying glass during recess. Damien has caught a lot of flak for not physically making his work, accusations of plagiarism, for being unoriginal and a bad tipper. But this new series, a ten-piece collection “Porcelain throne and other seats of release and pontification” is a new chapter in the artist’s life.

He recounted the night of divine inspiration over the smell seared meats, in 2013 Hirst and a few close friends were having dinner on the west side of Manhattan.

After a few drinks, the gaggle of chums ended up in West New York, a city in New Jersey. Hirst was in need of a bathroom and the pickings were slim. When I asked him why he didn’t just go on the side of a building he paused.

“Everyone thinks that when you’re fairly well off, you’re rich like me, you just uh, you just piss everywhere. I don’t subscribe to that notion… you know? I don’t believe in that… I’ve become comfortable with a certain lifestyle and that lifestyle is one that involves uh, polished poop shoots.” At that moment I knew I deserved a Pulitzer prize for not spitting my drink out when Damien Hirst called a toilet a “poop shoot”. So it goes, he stumbled into the public restroom of a 24/7 Denny’s. Once inside the subway tiled restroom he walked towards the stall farthest away from the door leading into the restaurant, inside the toilet Hirst claims he heard “Angels Sing.” “I’ve never seen a shit so big in my life, I… I was stunned!” Hirst tried to pull his phone out of his pocket to take a photo; forgetting that he gave his phone to one of his assistance.

While rummaging through his pockets Swarovski crystals fell into the bowl and “something just clicked.” I hesitated

to ask Hirst why he had Swarovski crystals in his pockets but never the less I persisted; Damien cocked his head to the side and seemed confused when I inquired. “I’m rich.”

He replied in such a nonchalant manner I wasn’t sure if he was done speaking, we sat in an uncertain silence for a handful of minutes; only the diegetic sound of hibachi knifes saved us from total social catastrophe.

“I knew there was no way I could, you know… take the turd from the toilet, because this is MY art we’re talking about,…you know, the minute some bloke from West New York finds out his turd has my name on it…I’m tickled in the wanker.” For the next year or so Hirst would spend hours on end toiling with his diet in order to get the most beautiful “form” imaginable. This collection would not only be the newest incarnation of Hirst’s work, it would become a redemption, proof that the artist can make his own work. He took a photo of Denny’s grand slam and captioned it on Instagram “ I didn’t grow up with American pancakes in Bristol, but the dry eggs and plastic sausage sure do remind me of mums cooking.

Let the artistry begin. @dennys #art #artist #grandslam #hashtag.” Denny’s declined to comment on this article but later told HuffPost “[they] don’t support Hirst’s work because they find it contrived.” Despite the blow Damien continued working, his feed became littered with photos of all kinds of fad food diets, keto, vegan, vegetarian even a juice cleanse. Which he admitted was “a glaring oversight for all parties involved.” Unlike one of the juices, I didn’t press further.

On June 7th, 2015 Damien found the balance he needed to produce the crown jewel for his collection. A combination of high fiber grains, black coffee, red meats and good old-fashioned patience.

There is an odd beauty in the piece aptly titled “ Life fades but pieces of us stay” A piece of fecal matter produced by Hirst covered in Swarovski crystals. Hirst rose to prominence in the 90’s by using the bodies of taxidermies animals as his primary medium. Now his greatest accomplishment in art is a form that comes from a body rather than displaying one, in a strange way it’s poetic but poetically it is strange. Viola van Lewan a wellrespected contemporary art critic saw the small collection and told me in regards to “ life fades but pieces of us stay” “I have never seen such a hack piece of work before in my life, I’ve been reviewing art for nearly fifty years. I am a supporter of conceptual art but this is pure trash, it is a literal piece of shit with crystals on it. He basically recreated his own piece “for the love of God” and made it worse.” Meanwhile, University freshman and blossoming art major Timmy Shire shared different sentiments” I think it’s really smart, it’s a fun take on Duchamp’s urinal, ya know art can be funny.” Timmy did bring up an interesting point, Hirst’s collection did evoke thoughts of Duchamp’s groundbreaking piece “Urinal”.

I wanted to know what Duchamp had to think about it, So I did what any Leo with an Aquarius rising sign would do. I went to a séance to ask the ghost of Marcel Duchamp myself. The séance was held somewhere around midtown east( My medium, I mean, the medium featured in this article did not want to give details on her location

due to undisclosed legal reasons.) The medium, Lenora Dicontanstipopalopigus-Smith led me through the kitchen into the living room/ apothecary set up. When we sat down Lenora told me a tall dark stranger was in my future; I told her point blank that Michael and I were exclusive and that it was time to ring up Duchamp. Lenora called for Duchamp but he didn’t pick up, for an extra $5 she messaged him the sunglasses smiley face emoji, Marcel had the gall leave her on reading but managed to call her back twenty minutes later. It was difficult to interpret what he said, I do speak French but when I asked him about Damien Hirst as an artist Duchamp responded by tapping the wall. I then pulled out a picture of Hirst’s piece “life fades but pieces of us stay” Duchamp immediately possessed the medium’s body and started laughing, in French. Lenora didn’t know what to make of it either and I was out of cash. Walking to the 2nd avenue Q I remembered Viola van Lewans fiery response to “life fades but pieces of us stay” and the uncanny resemblance this piece has to Damien’s earlier piece “for the love of God” which is a real human skull covered in Swarovski crystals. “for the love of God” also made guest starred in an episode of Vampire Weekend’s Ezra Koening’s “Neo Yokio” season 1 on Netflix.

So, back at the hibachi restaurant Damien and I took a break to eat, in between bites I asked how Damien felt about the criticism he receives. Hirst did not take this question in stride. “ I am my… own worst enemy, critic if you will… I always look for a deeper meaning in, in what I do… I’m the first one to tell an assistant, hey! No, not that way, this way. Marx once said that art, Marxist art is in vain of capitalism, an aesthetic… I am my own worst critic, really… cuppa?” I accepted more tea. After some light banter, I went in for the punch and asked Damien what it felt like to be accused of plagiarizing his own work. “ I don’t steal, I have money. I am in my own thoughts uh,.. Originality is dead. There are no new ideas it is all uh recycled and such. Its meta, you know?” What I do know is that the other 9 pieces in the collection “ Porcelain throne and other seats of release and pontification” are made to meditate on the ideas of thought and release, but none of the other pieces measure up to how shocking “life fades but pieces of us stay” The collection opened Gagosian in Beverly Hills in April 2018, and “Life fades but pieces of us stay” was picked up for 30 million dollars along with my jaw.

I think back to the night at the hibachi restaurant a lot mostly to remember when Hirst opened his mouth so the chef could throw in a piece of seared beef into it, he moved in anticipation and the beef bounced off of the bridge of his nose and plunked into his napkin. Strangely enough, he still closed his mouth, pretended to chew and then proceeded to swallow. The hibachi chef, Teddy and I shared a look only a well-manicured gif of Oprah could capture, but we both had a job to do. “Hibachi!”

Teddy proclaimed, Damien continued with his story and I continued doodling Mrs. Michael B. Jordan-Dilley in my notes pertaining to Damien Hirst’s bowel movements.

10 www.thepacepress.org

FEATURES

April 5, 2018

Master Plan dubbed masterpiece by students MEGANN MARTINEZ Features Intern

The New York City Master plan is the, “physical embodiment of Pace’s mission,” which, “combines the traditional hallmark of a Pace education, experience-based learning, with a rigorous liberal arts and professional curriculum,” according to University website.

The Master Plan was announced in 2017 as a $190 million long-term project, created in order to address the many goals of Pace’s administrative team. Now imagine how many students’ tuition that comes to (Around 4,355, yes, we did the math). Among these goals included the expanding presence of student collaborative spaces, a more open and modern University, as well as many more exciting elements.

University students were very vocal in discussing the many, possibly unintentional goals, that are being accomplished by the Master Plan. University freshman Olivia Hanewald states, “I think it’s absolutely wonderful, the amazing deep shade of forest green wood surrounding the floor level breathes life into the University.” That it does.

Living in a nontraditional campus always makes for an interesting background noise to daily life. University students can always count on a symphony of police sirens, car horns, hungry pedestrians yelling on the street, and the guy who sings opera on Fulton.

As the Master Plan construction is continuing full throttle, University students can now count on a harmonic experience of hammering, drilling, and power sawing.

There is no denying that University students love their school. Students sport their Pace gear almost every day. The Master Plan only makes room for more Pace pride, in that the students are finding it harder to leave, not that they would want to. University freshman, Liz Hines discusses this new aspect of the University, “My favorite part of construction has to be getting around the University. I love getting on an elevator, only to go down a floor to realize an exit is closed. They just don’t want me to leave!”

In fact, every day in the University is a new adventure. Students can count on a new maze to figure themselves out of on their way to every class. Or even more exciting, a drop in the elevator bank on their way to Café 101. Master Plan construction has turned the University into an amusement park and students are almost begging for it to never end. We can tell that University faculty are testing their hand at interior design, what with the new furniture in Maria’s Tower and the carpeting in the elevator. Overall, University students are asking, “What next, and when will it be replaced?”

When asking a crowd of current students what they thought of the Master Plan, a random person on the street felt the need to scream, “It’s a plan alright!” It’s evident that the Master Plan has also impacted the general public of downtown New York in a very

University student Finnley Joseph Magers Baraoidan exciting way.

University sophomore Katelynn Holliday raved about her experience, “How would I describe it? Master plan, master plan. New. Um, cool.”

With such a glowing narrative, it’s a shame to think that incoming students attending Pace this coming fall will not be able to experience the joys of Master Plan construction.

They will sure miss out on what a wild ride it has been. There are tremendous hopes of continuing the Master Plan Phase 1 passed its promised finished date, it might just happen folks.

Death of Denny’s results in a new Pace dorm BROOKE SALAMONE Staff Writer The recent demise of Denny’s put a huge damper on the breakfast vibes of Lower Manhattan while also checking a flex dollar spending location of the list for University students.

The empty Denny’s building occupies the corner of Nassau and Spruce street, awaiting to once again be filled with the joyus sound of boisterous laughter from its loyal happy customers. The empty builds wastes away rememebering the smiles that endless pancakes brought to everyone’s face.

Denny’s lovers, it may be time to kiss your waffles goodbye, but don’t cry just yet.

The University’s Master Plan has been confusing us all, but it’s biggest secret has been hidden all along. Students, your newest dorm is on the way to save the day!

It’s housing registration time, and you know what that means… the dreaded choice of choosing a dorm building. All those worries will be allievated when you request to live in the University’s hottest new spot: “Denny’s Dream Dorm.” That’s right students, the name

Photo Editor Tsun-Chueh Huang

says it all. We are keeping the Denny’s spirit alive!

Avoid elevator traffic in Denny’s Dream Dorm, which consists of a wooping one level!

Worried about space? DDD obtains 1,325 rooms… all on one floor! Each room is 5 cubic feet, including a bathroom and a mini fridge stocked with your Denny’s favorites. That’s right folks, a constant supply of pancakes in your fridge. What can be better then your Denny’s favorites all day everyday?

PSA students, those dorm cockroaches will still be crawling across your feet when you walk through the door, but it’s okay; we are including breakfast and more in your tuition.

“I’m just so excited to hear about Pace building the new dorm! I mean who wouldn’t want to live in a building with cockroaches crawling in the walls?” shared AMDA freshman Joseph Hoover. “Better yet, maybe even a furry friend as a new roomie. Am I right?”

Denny’s Dream Dorm will keep its roots alive (rodent and bug infested and all). Each of it’s new 1,325 dorms will be a tribute to your Denny’s favorites. Room customization is possible upon move in with approval by the housing staff.

“I am extremly excited to hear about this new dorm building!” Matthew Gorman, Ohio State Unviersity sophomore shared. “It’s bound to have good food. It’s so nice that Pace students can wake up to the smell of pancakes everyday.”

The privilege of dorming in Denny’s will be offered exclusively to upperclassman students. Denny’s Dream Dorm will be this year’s top runner above 55 John Street or 33 Beekman.

Concerned about hiking back and forth to the main Pace building? No need to stress about waking up early to make it to class if you are a resident of Denny’s Dream Dorm.

Students who have the privedlege to live in DDD… step outside, cross the street, and POOF! You have arrived.

“I’ve heard Pace’s construction is like your mother in law… annoying and always there,” shared Nicole Amatucci, Brookdale college freshman, “But as soon as I heard about Pace’s plan to turn Denny’s into a dorm, I knew it was all worth it.”

Looking for a roommate? The newest dorm building has a new way for you to find that perfect someone… the Breakfast Buddy Survey. Why not live with the best kind of friend: one who shares your favorite food? Students who have the same breakfast favorites will be matched togther through the survey and have the opportunity to dorm together.

“Finding a roomate can be though I went through it first hand,” Hoover shared. “But the breakfast buddy survey seems like the perfect way to handle the search issue!”

So get ready to ring in the new school year by becoming a resident of Denny’s Dream Dorm!

“I’m just so excited for these living conditions,” Amatucci commented, “and I already got my tetanus shot!”

April 5, 2017

April Horoscopes RYAN BLOMQUIST In-House Psychic

ARIES: You will be feeling fiery, passionate, brave. You are none of these things. Go sit down. Reevaluate. Consider whether or not the snowboard you’ve been itching to buy is going to get any use. It won’t. Seriously, learn to manage your money.

FEATURES

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Café 101 replaced with food court

TAURUS: Some trollop has been after your other half. You know, the gorgeous one who’s living in Brooklyn on daddy’s payroll? Undercut them at any costs. Protect your way of life with the poisonous sting of your silver tongue and subtweets.

GEMINI: The complicated web of deceit you’ve carefully constructed is beginning to fall to pieces around you. You’re going to be confronted but don’t back down. You’re in too deep, there’s no going back now. Lie until you fully combust and then maintain that you see no fire.

CANCER: As a denizen of the crab. the world wants to hear your mighty crabby roar. Howl until the flotsam bubbles out your thick shelled mandibles. This is an act of renewal: wash away the sins of your past with the mighty, sloppy warcry of the crustacean. Take a spa day.

LEO: Don’t take no for an answer. Or yes. Take no answers. Bludgeon them with your charm and candor until they lie belly-up on the floor so you can simply take what you want and they not only thank you for it, but ask if they could please sir have another. Decimate them with charisma.

VIRGO: Pray.

LIBRA: You were naughty last week. This week will be a week of penance. Keep your head up as the ghosts of last week’s transgressions come back for bloody revenge. Like a python in clown makeup, this week is going to be long and ridiculous. Regardless, chin up kid.

SCORPIO: This week, they’re after you. There is a plot against you, anyone who tells you otherwise is working for the enemy. Stock your bunker and wait out until the danger has passed.

Buy in bulk.

SAGITTARIUS: This is a week for love. If you make eye contact with someone and feel electricity, then that’s probably your soulmate.

Throw caution to the wind. Forget all the other times that approaching strangers has gone poorly.

You will be loved, so help you God. CAPRICORN: Let’s be real now, how much longer is this whole life thing going to last? I mean really, we all have die at some point, so you might as well embrace it. Grab a book and a cocktail and relax as the idiots tear the world apart. It’s the best possible ending.

AQUARIUS: START A NEW HOBBY. MEET NEW PEOPLE. START AN ARGUMENT THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO WIN. TELL THAT PERSON THAT THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL AND SMART. THINK ABOUT HOW GOOD EVERYONE FEELS NOW! <3<3<3 PISCES: This week is for self-care. Any moment is good for philosophical contemplation. Stand in front of the fridge for half an hour thinking about how weird it is that it’s basically just a chilly closet. Maybe by a new backpack pin to reflect your discoveries.

Astrology-zodiac-signs.com

Henry Trotter

RUMIYA MALIK Features Intern Not a day goes by where a University student doesn’t go to that one place on the first floor: Cafe 101. We all know the layout: upon entrering, there is the grill, sushi station, hot food line and Mexican station to your right. To the left you have the yogurt and fruit station, salad bar, soup, soda machine and fruits. In the middle there are a bunch of snacks as well as the bakery area, which sells pastries such as muffins and croissants. Lining the back is a wall of coolers with drinks like Smart waters, sodas, and iced teas. Around the corner to the right you can find the more popular stations like the pasta station, the sandwich station and pizza station. However, for a lot of students, Café 101 has been very disappointing some days it’s a hit and other days it’s a miss.

But now, this is all about to change. Students are going to get food they want. Chartwells is completely changing the cafeteria to be a traditional mall food court.

The traditional mall food court will include a Subway, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, Saku Japan, Panda Express, Dunkin Donuts, and KFC. It is a very exciting change for the University, a face lift for the first floor. Café 101 was becoming unreliable and students couldn’t always get the food they needed. Stations closed at odd hours, including almost all of spring break, and the menu online never corresponded to what was being served. In contrast, these multibillion dollar companies will be able to keep up with the demand, and students will know exactly what they are getting. Fast food giants like McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts will be able to keep Café 101 open 24/7, a huge contrast to stations closing early and shutting down all operations right when students need food the most.

The purpose of the food court is so that things move a lot faster and finally students can actually get in and out of the cafeteria without having to wait about 20 minutes for pasta or another 15 waiting at the register for your card to get swiped. The turnaround for fast food restaurants tops out at 10 minutes. You’d be hard pressed to spend more than 15 minutes in a McDonald’s, and the new Café 101 McDonald’s stands to be no different. “Honestly, I think it’s going to be a huge improvement. It’s food we actually like and are willing to pay for,” says University freshman Vidhi Maisuria. “We won’t be stuck with having to eat food we don’t like.”

Today’s cafeteria is a battlefield. School lunches are definitely in dire need of more charity, care, consideration, and cleaning products, but in the end, it all comes down to cash. Our meal plans may become more costly but now it will be for food we want. More often than not, we have food that’s undercooked or still has freezer burn on it. Students also have to hope they have enough money on their meal plan to last the semester, or start paying out of pocket. And with the food not always living up to our standards, students often end up going off campus. As the Starbucks in the caf has grown so popular, the University has decided to adopt the same business plan for the entire caf, bringing in the outside food that students know and love.

The grill station will be replaced with everyone’s favorite burger chain: McDonald’s. Pasta and pizza will be replaced with Sbarro. The sandwich station will be replaced with Subway. The bakery section will become a Dunkin Donuts, giving students all the donuts and muffins they can eat. Soups and smoothies will become a Panera, and the sushi station will be run by Saku Japan. Taco Bell will replace the Mexican station, and KFC and Panda Express will tag team on the hot buffet line.

Many are concerned about the health effects a food court will have on the students, but it will be a step up for a lot of students. Chartwells will be doing a trial run in the courtyard starting mid April, so keep your eyes open for that. Now Starbucks won’t be the only place where you can get something you like. This definitely opens the door for other companies to come in and try to expand. There is talk of adding some stores on the west side such as a Staples and a Target, which is what the students really want instead of walking outside to get these things. Construction is planned to begin when the semester ends and will be ready for Fall 2018. As long as it is not done by the same construction company as the Master Plan, it will hopefully be done on time!

FEATURES

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April 5, 2018

Pace schools to become Hogwarts Houses BROOKE SUFRIN Arts Intern The University has selected a new method in the sectioning of their learning programs. Currently, the New York City campus is divided into the Dyson College of Arts and Sciences, Lubin School of Business, Seidenburg School of Computer Science, and the schools of education and nursing. After much deliberation, administrators came to terms with a better solution in this division; Hogwarts Houses.

Dyson College of Arts and Sciences currently includes students not only of the Arts and Sciences but of the Pace Performing Arts (PPA) as well. This will be one of many changes in the new sectioning.

The PPA students will officially be granted a separate house and will be given the green and silver colors to represent Syltherin. The Slytherin house will be home to all PPA students alike and some important students are happy about the new system of representation.

“I think it’s logical for Performing Arts to be labeled separately from Arts and Science majors,” said Jane Smith, NYU freshman.

“Our Performing Arts has always been its own entity, I’m happy to see others finally catching on,” said Smith’s brother, John Smith, also a freshman at NYU. The rest of the Dyson College consists of a substantial amount of students, ranging from communication

majors to biology majors, this College represents a vast amount of the University student body.

These majors will be placed under a new home, one with gold and red colors; Gryffindor. Gryffindor is known to possess a wide variety of students itself and administration thought it fit for the University to adapt this principle as well.

Ravenclaw are known for their

intellect and their blue and bronze colors.

The Lubin School of Business students can purchase their new blue and bronze clothing online while they sit in their new lounge and courtyard, after master plan construction.

“I am so excited to be a Ravenclaw,” said an anonymous University senior.

She was disappointed to find out that this new sorting would be in affect as of Fall 2018.

University staff Jaclyn Kopel

Club Club started at Pace University starts club to unite all clubs

MEGANN MARTINEZ Features Intern With over 100 clubs, University students have limitless opportunities to be involved on campus. From Film Club and Sketch Comedy Club, to Pace Against Animal Cruelty, students may think that the University has every club imaginable. They are very wrong in this account. While the University has a lot of different activity based clubs, they lack in organizations that offer a reflective discussion forum about more general aspects of University life.

Recent student surveys have produced strong desires for a brandnew club at the University, and SDACA has finally decided to answer these cries.

This newly initiated club will host the strong interests of University students in regards to none other than... clubs! Thanks to the club’s little need for funding, as they won’t need pizza to entice students to attend meetings, students will be able to participate without the fear of an increase in the Student Activities fee.

The Club Club will discuss all of the clubs at the University, the history of clubs, and the overall interests of clubs in a general sense. This idea

sprung about when heavily involved students decided it wasn’t enough to merely be a part of the clubs on campus, but they had to meet once a week to discuss them.

University freshmen Kailee Heller and Taliah Stanley were pleasantly surprised after hearing about The Club Club: “That doesn’t make sense. Sorry, I’m a little confused.”

“Okay, I understand, informing people with school activities, but that is also redundant because there are flyers everywhere. Not sure if you need a Club Club.”

The Pace Press took the time to exclusively interview T-Bone, University mascot, about what he thought of The Club Club. While he didn’t say much, it was evident that this new club would be an amazing addition to the many opportunities University students have to their disposal. He showed his deep appreciation for the idea with aggressive head nods and numerous “thumbs ups,” despite the fact that dogs don’t have opposable thumbs.

According to an unknown source, the first item of discussion in The Club Club will be the dictionary definition of “club” and the linguistic assumptions we can make based on the

history of the word. Hoping to relate it to modern day and the current political climate, The Club Club encourages open discussion about individual experiences and truths.

The Club Club will make its first debut this spring, and will begin meetings on May 13. As of yet, University students are looking forward to the future prospects of the club. Anisa D’oyen, employee of Undergraduate Admissions, praises the notion, “Who’s idea was that?

Nobody’s gunna show up. Out of everything Pace needs, this was the big idea?” What a big idea it is indeed.

Other discussion based clubs might come from The Club Club’s success. There has already been talk about a club for discussion about The Club Club as well as a club that explores the affects of being involved with clubs. Obvious promise is being shown by this new organization, and we can only expect a growth in clubs like it.

With so much creative promise, we can expect the under-representation of clubs all around the world to be discussed and understood by the end of the next calendar year, all thanks to The Club Club.

It seems that people typically forget the Hufflepuffs. This is why it is fitting for the education and nursing students to be categorized as such. As the University student body is predominately composed of Performing Arts, Dyson, and Business students, administration found difficulty in sorting the other students. They then realized however, that Hogwarts has a fourth house and that is Hufflepuff.

“The education and nursing students will be sorted into the Puffy house,” said President Krisolve.

As there is no house left for the computer science students in the Seidenburg school, they will be transferred to the Pleasantville campus as of September 2018.

“Ban them to the island of mis-fit toys,” said a Univeristy administrator before officially transferring the computer science program to the University’s Pleasantville campus in Westchester, New York, “They have sports, good luck nerds,” administration bid the students farewell.

“The Hogwarts houses are sacred and I am proud to have them represented on campus,” said Maria, of Maria’s Tower.

“I have never been more proud to be an NYU student,” said an anonymous NYU sophomore when asked asked about the new sorting at some college in downtown Manhattan, “Go bobcats!”

Pace Sports Section JOE DRENNAN Sports Editor