Khalil Anthony, “Fight

Fight

Khalil Anthony

how do we know something happened if there is no pain to remind us? i’m sure there are things that happen that don’t need pain to help us remember, but doesn’t pain, the lingering of it, help you to a certain extent? to remember.

at least as the scar begins to heal, if there is a wound, the fact that the body is engaging itself in the act of healing itself, does that do anything in the plight of remembering?

the hydrogen peroxide, the band-aids, the cotton swabs, the blood? something about the bruise, the pain that lingers begs us to spend a moment remembering, even if it’s just to forget. the healing process always lasts for a little bit of time, and that helps us to remember, even if we don’t want to.

when healing is initiated, and the body responds with all of its agents to create a healthy space, where it once was, there is only remembering. remembering what begat the wound, how the wound became a wound, the walk home, the blood, and tears, not in that order, but them too. They beg to be remembered as well.

Still surprises me to think, scares me to write, but in all honesty I have to admit the only way that night could have ended was with a fight. I never thought I’d be in a domestic abuse situation, and technically I wasn’t, cause we weren’t together as a couple then; just two men fighting.

I just remember hitting him. He was too close, our alcohol fueled screams, ready to light the room agni, it all became too hot and I tried to escape. But I swung first. That’s what happened. And I’m not proud, and I couldn’t sleep, I had to forgive myself for my actions but remember that I was the one acting, all of these years, acting like I still liked you, even as a person.

I lost; the fight that is. That night when we fought, I ought not have swung cause in the end I am the one who lost that night, the night of the fight.

What did I lose? I keep asking myself that question, and the main thing that keeps coming back to me is that I lost my cool. Got knocked down too. Felt worth it, in the end. Still does now. Once we cross a line, where forgetting is not an option, the remembering in this case lets me know never pretend when it comes to humans. And love. And pain. And scars. And healing. And remembering.