A Semi-Comprehensive McDonald’s Review Proudly Brought to You By Two Uninformed, Unqualifed Idiots

Max Miller Staff Writer

I find myself meandering over to the McDonald’s on South Main more often than I’m proud to admit. I am not sure why I do it, or what exactly I am looking for, but, somehow, Mickey D’s always seems to scratch an indescribable itch. For whatever reason, though I visit fairly regularly, I haven’t tried the Golden Arches’ options beyond the dollar menu. I decided to explore McDonald’s other offerings with my Californian buddy Harry Sneddon. We picked them up, found a random room in Wilder, and went to town.

1. McChicken

Max Miller: I just want to say that I get four of these every McDonald’s order. My McDonald’s order is four McChickens and a vanilla shake.

Harry Sneddon: How much is a McChicken?

MM: $2.50. It’s on the dollar menu.

HS: How the fuck is it on the dollar menu if it’s $2.50?

MM: It’s a $1, $2, $3 menu.

HS: That’s ridiculous. The state of this country. [Bites]

MM: That is God’s greatest gift.

HS: I don’t think it’s that good. It’s a fried chicken sandwich. It’s supposed to be crispy. I’m eating a piece of memory foam.

MM: That’s awesome! Why would that be bad? I love memory foam!

HS: I’m not a fan. It’s also McDonald’s chicken where you throw six whole chickens with feathers into a blender and then you strain out whatever’s left.

MM: That’s why it’s the pinnacle of chicken sandwiches. It takes six chickens that could be used for six diferent chicken sandwiches and takes a horse from somewhere in Croatia and mixes them all together and creates beauty.

HS: A Big Mac is less than a quarter pound.

MM: Why is it called “Big” then?

HS: It’s two eighth pound patties. They’re little slivers of beef. [Bites]

MM: It’s weirdly disconcerting on frst bite. I feel uncomfortable right now. I’m not sure why.

HS: It’s too much bread. The three buns is too much. The bun to meat ratio is of. That being said, the sauce, the cheese, that whole combination is really good. I like the onions. I like the Big Mac sauce. Let’s be real, the sauce is Thousand Island. But it’s good.

MM: It’s not revolutionary by any means. It’s an interesting favor combination. I just found it to be a bit underwhelming for a Big Mac. It’s supposed to be big. If it was a Small Mac, maybe it would be diferent.

HS: It should be a half pound. It should be a double burger and not two half burgers stacked for fair and presentation.

MM: The thing about the Big Mac is it is thin. You could fold it up and throw it like a paper airplane.

HS: I like the beefy feeling when I bite into a hamburger. It’s all bread.

MM: It doesn’t feel like real food.

HS: That’s the same thing that bugged me about the McChicken. There’s a sameness when you bite into it. With a burger there’s a formula. The bun is kinda crisp, there’s a meaty middle, the pickles are crispy. There’s a feeling of bite. Big Macs - I just sink through them. It’s all mush. It’s like someone gave me a cube of bugs that tasted good. It would taste good but you’re still eating a fucking cube of bugs.

MM: I would eat a bug. You wouldn’t eat a bug?

HS: A single bug, sure. A cube of bugs is a whole diferent deal. A conglomerate?

MM: What kind of bug in theory would you eat a cube of? I would eat a cube of ants, personally.

HS: That’s so many ants.

MM: And you wouldn’t eat that? I would.

HS: And you’d eat four McChickens too.

3.

HS: Such high expectations for this. This is what a chicken sandwich looks like to me. It looks like it’s actually fried. At least it’s trying. It’s got sauce. Got pickles.

MM: And the shape looks like chicken.

HS: Yeah, this looks like at least a chicken breast was here at some point.

[Bites]

MM: No. I hate this. It’s terrible.

HS: Memory foam conglomerate chicken is bad. The amount I have to chew this might be worse.

MM: This is my least favorite one. I hate this, which is a real shame because I thought I was gonna really like it.

HS: I’m not as ofended as you are. I just think it’s mid.

MM: It reminds me of Rat hot wings on Wednesdays. Which is not good. No ofense Rat.

MM: I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to sleep tonight.

4. Filet O’ Fish

HS: You said this one’s polarizing. I’ve heard it’s polarizing. I think this is gonna be OK.

MM: This is gonna be the best sandwich I’ve ever experienced.

HS: I just got a whif of Filet O’ Fish.

[Deep Snif]

MM: [Coughing] Dude, I inhaled it.

HS: Oh my God. It smells like dying fsh. I’m sorry I mentioned it. It hit my nose and I was like “there’s something dying.”

MM: It smells like death.

HS: It smells like rotting fsh.

MM: Should we just dig in?

HS: I don’t know if I can.

[Bites]

HS: Oh. I don’t like it. I don’t wanna do this anymore.

MM: Oh my God.

HS: [Hacking sound] That’s fucking awful. I can’t fnish that. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. I feel like I’ve been poisoned. This sandwich has just violated my entire digestive system. The full tract has just been sullied irreparably.

HS: Maybe if I didn’t notice the smell frst it would’ve been ok? But it was pretty awful. So bad. That’s gonna haunt me.

MM: Is this what we’re killing our fsh for?

HS: My main concern with fsh eating is mercury poisoning. And lead poisoning. When you eat a big fsh you’re eating 30,000 fsh per fsh.

MM: What the hell does that mean?

HS: If you eat a sardine, there’s a little bit of lead that doesn’t matter. But if you eat a salmon that ate 40,000 sardines over the course of its life, it accumulates. The lead doesn’t get expelled. So they just accumulate all the lead from everything they eat.

MM: You think you could make a pencil out of salmon?

HS: Don’t ever ask me that question again.

MM: You think if you put a salmon in a zeppelin it would fall down?

HS: I need this Filet O’ Fish out of my sight.

MM: Also, the absolute audacity to package it in a container with waves on it?

HS: Yeah, those fsh live and die in a bucket. That thing’s never seen the ocean. Maybe the sandwich is better in other places.

MM: Where?

HS: Japan.

MM: There’s no way they serve Filet O’ Fish in Japan.

HS: When secret menus were big in the 2010s, you used to be able to get them to grind one of these into a McFlurry.

MM: That sounds really good. My greatest fear with secret menu stuf is the cashier doesn’t know the order. Imagine how silly you sound. “Hey, can I get some Jingle Bell Hell fries?” And they’re like, “It’s my second day. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” The names are always so stupid. Who came up with animal style fries by the way?

HS: Have you ever eaten them? They’re slop. You feel like an animal when you eat them. In-N-Out is overrated. I hate to admit this as a Californian, but In-N-Out fucking sucks. If In-N-Out was quick and easy it would be good. It’s like an eight hour line. Habit Burger. I’ll put you guys on. If you’re ever in California. Fantastic.

MM: Here’s what I will say as a New Yorker. I have to concede. Shake Shack: also overrated. You pay nine bucks for a burger that tastes like the inside of somebody’s boot. And then, I’m like, “I want a shake.” Seven bucks. And this is the best part. They have a black and white cookie shake and a cookies and cream shake. What the hell is the diference? They’re the same shit! It’s unbelievable. Why would you do that?

I will never understand. I never remember which one I’ve gotten, so I don’t know which one is good. I know what favor I want. You’re making it too complicated. Why the hell would you have two diferent options on the same fucking favor? Makes no sense. It pisses me of.

[Bites]

HS: Fucking delightful.

MM: I would say it’s tied for the best thing we’ve eaten today.

HS: With?

MM: McChicken, baby.

HS: That’s fucking insane. That’s actually insane to say. The apple pie is the best thing here. It was crispy.

MM: On a whole, I thought it would be much better than this. I typically really like McDonald’s. I was disappointed on the whole. Also, if anybody knows somebody who enjoys Filet O’ Fish, cut them out of your life. They will commit nefarious acts in the future. On the whole, I was expecting to be like, “Dude, this is so good!” And it was really just mid at best.

Harry: That’s our review.

Max: Lovely. It’s been a pleasure.