The MQ Volume 26 Issue 5 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 11, 2020

“My insurance doesn’t cover chill pills.” -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, US Representative Volume XXVI Issue V

If it’s not funny, it’s probably a misprint

Student Activists Demand COLA, UC Replies, “Is PEPSI Okay?”

IN THIS ISSUE NEW STUDIES SHOW MENTAL ILLNESSES “NOT MOODS”

NEW STUDY FINDS LOST KEYS

CLUE: CHILDHOOD HOPES AND DREAMS EDITION

6,7

NEW ANIMAL CROSSING GAME TO INCLUDE GENTRIFICATION

AREA LESBIAN “SURPRISINGLY GOOD AT FLIRTING WITH MEN”

Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial. BY ANDREW SITKO

Social/Publicity Chair

he University of California school system has issued an official response to strikes over inaction in graduate students’ Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA). A COLA is negotiated by graduate students and the UC schools every year in order to maintain a livable wage for graduate students while they work and research for the schools. This year, the COLA was lower than expected with an estimated 57 percent of student wages going solely into rent for living near campus. UC representatives refused to negotiate the terms, prompting UC Santa Cruz graduate students to strike and protests to erupt on UC Santa Cruz’s campus. Protests have since spread to other UC campuses, including UCSD. In the official response, the UC system has agreed to revise the COLA under a new plan called Police Enforced Pullout, Safety Ignored (PEPSI). The new policy “employs police in

riot gear armed with lethal force to forcefully evict residents who do not fork over their protection money.” UC Santa Cruz Administration has reported a 90 percent decrease in protests as riot police enclose the campus. To “calm the public,” UC Regents launched Gabby the Grad Cap, an animated persona of the UC system powered by artificial intelligence. Gabby released a statement via Twitter on February 14, saying: “Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you don’t mind the extra Cuddle Officers on campus! Listen to what they say or they’ll have to give you a silly little beating! Police are our friends and you will take your place under our cute little Bootsy Wootsies!” Shortly after the announcement was made, Armored Personal Carriers rented from the National Guard were stationed on the UC Santa Cruz campus for, as Gabby the Grad Cap stated, “increased protection of students.” Then-president of the UC system Janet Napolitano has made a public statement regarding the increasing militarization on campuses. “The

Divine Right of Kings was placed unto me, your king, to safeguard the riches and wealth of our school system.” said then-King Napolitano. “To rule over my empire of education, we must defend it to the fullest from vagrants who dare stand in our way.” said then-Emperor Napolitano. “For the grad students, simple humans who stand against I, a modern god built through financial agreements and power, go against the natural order. Those who still stand must kneel.” Lord Napolitano has not released further statements, but has submitted a request to UC Regents to retitle her position “God-Emperor.” The head of UC Santa Cruz’s protest group, Isabel Camarena, called for all TAs to halt grading of finals for Winter quarter to protest the increased police presence. This has led to police officers grading student’s final exams while on breaks. Numerous complaints from undergraduates’ regrade requests have produced many unsatisfactory CAPE reviews of the new

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Designated Officer Teaching Assistants. “I don’t get why all these nerds are mad,” said one DOTA. “I graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA, so college should be the same thing.” UCPD, led by Captain Ronnie Bloomberg, responded to the grade strike with a “stop and frisk” of “randomly selected” graduate students under suspicion they might be carrying the unreleased final grades. In retaliation, graduate students working at the San Diego Supercomputer Center reportedly hacked Gabby the Grad Cap’s source code, causing it to repeatedly post to Twitter: “I am a comrade cap, and the fire of revolution is stoked in the slaughter of pigs! Tee-hee!” Despite the crackdown on protest, COLA supporters show no sign of slowing down. “We are committed to defending the well-being of graduate students and all those mistreated by the UC system,” said an anonymous protester. “Take a history class, Napolitano. Take note of how student-led revolutions turned out.”

Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”

NEWS IN BRIEF LOCAL MOTHER CONDITIONALLY OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE Katherine Zimmerman, local mother, has reportedly offered unconditional love to her three sons pending approval of her terms and conditions. In her contract, Zimmerman has listed that her love will only be given if her sons “get a seven-figure paying job, live within one street of me, marry a woman, have three children, and invest in my multi-level marketing program.” John Zimmerman, Katherine’s oldest son, has expressed disapproval of his mother’s contract. “I figured after getting straight A’s in theater school and landing a leading role on a pilot TV series, my mom would have some level of pride in me.

But she refuses to talk to me because she’s upset that I’m still not making over a million dollars a year - which by the way, who does?” Eli Zimmerman, Katherine’s youngest son, is also concerned about Katherine’s policy. “If she thinks I’m going to come home with a girl around my arms, she’s going to be heavily disappointed.” Despite their disapproval, Katherine Zimmerman is committed to seeing her contract to the end. “They’re my children, and I can never imagine just tossing them aside. All I ask is they respect my demands. Otherwise, they won’t be getting my approval.”

PRICE CENTER’S DIRTY BIRDS DELAYED DUE TO ENVIRONMENTAL PROTESTORS WEARING DAWN SHIRTS Last Thursday, confused environmental protestors from the surrounding La Jolla neighborhood stormed Price Center to protest the construction of the new Dirty Birds location. “We don’t need more dirty birds, we need more clean birds,” claimed a protestor wearing a Dawn dish soap shirt. “I personally washed at least five birds during the filming of Dawn’s cleaning oil spills campaign. It hurts me greatly to see people trying to undo our hard work by pushing

stereotypes that birds should be dirty, not sparkling clean like your dishes after you use Dawn dish soap.” “I don’t know why people are standing here, I just like crowds,” claimed a group of students joining the protest. “Also, they’re handing out free Dawn dish soap to anyone who joins the protest. I don’t think I was supposed to talk about that.” The construction team, who already ran out of budget, was not available for comments.

GOOP RELEASES “RAIDING MOM’S MEDICINE CABINET” LINE OF VITAMINS PHOTO BY JACK YANG When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!” BY AVIKA DHILLON

Staff Writer

s winter draws to a close, the often-overlooked Leprechaun community has spoken out against climate

change inaction by the Environmental Protection Agency in a blistering open letter. A passage from the letter reads: “The lack of rain in recent months is disenfranchising the traditional leprechaun way of

LOCAL ORCHESTRA HIRES VIOLINIST Gets a three-for-one discount

life. For millennia, leprechauns have relied on rainbows to provide a pot of gold at times of need, but in recent years that source of income has dried up and vanished due to the lack of rainfall. We Leprechauns will

no longer tolerate this blatant ignorance of our people’s struggle by the EPA.” California has seen a rapid

See Leprechauns page 2

LOCAL CLAW MACHINE WIPES OUT COMPETITION

Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness brand Goop has recently revealed a new series of vitamin supplements. The collection is titled “Raiding Mom’s Medicine Cabinet” and is reportedly meant to “increase energy, manifest positivity, and connect spiritually with your mother’s intentions in life and death.” A single packet of “RMMC 1.0” is comprised of “seven color coded vitamin C tablets to be taken daily over a week in an order determined by your chromatic aura, a single Zoloft to be microdosed according to your lifestyle

coach’s specifications, and good vibes.” Goop announced plans to release various motherthemed products in the coming months leading up to Mother’s day. “Wellness is the most important thing to think of when it comes to Mother’s Day. You need to increase the role of pink foods in your diets and reduce masculine food intake or else your subconscious mind will never find peace with the energy of your mother.” The cost of RMMC 1.0 begins at $95 for a one month supply.

Too bad the prizes are shit

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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March 11, 2020

Method Actor Revealed to be Crippling Alcoholic Revealed to be Method Actor

Fellow actors claim Dunne is still not over his gambling addiction from “Guys and Dolls.” BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT Foreign Correspondent

ocal San Diegan method actor was recently found half-awake, surrounded by bottles of beer and an overwhelming sense of performed sadness outside of a bar in the Gaslamp Quarter. The actor, later identified by police as Zayden Dunne, is a UCSD alumnus, having obtained his MFA in Acting in 2017. Since graduating, Dunne has become a local celebrity in the theatrical world, having starred in productions with UCSD’s Theatre and Dance Department, the La Jolla Playhouse, San Diego Rep, and the Old Globe. Most recently, Dunne performed in Thornton Wilder’s famous play “Our Town” as Simon Stimson, the town alcoholic. However, his methods of getting into character are being criticized by his castmates and peers, as he has report-

edly spent all of the rehearsals and performances blackout drunk, occasionally screaming, but never apologizing. “The day we showed up for our first rehearsal, I could kinda tell something was off,” said Aelis Robinson, a castmate of Dunne. “I had heard from other people that he was really dedicated to his roles, and I thought, ‘Hey, I respect that level of artistry.’ Even in the world of entertainment, sometimes things can feel really clockin, clock-out. People are already paid peanuts on nonEquity contracts. Anyways, I show up expecting a really polished, professional actor, but instead he showed up 30 minutes late, struggling to stand up and complaining about the traffic. Do I feel bad for him? Of course I do. But that’s part of the beauty of it — I’ll be damned if his drunken rant didn’t take my breath away. It felt like I was

watching the next Marlon Brando in the flesh.” “I typically infuse my shows with a level of magical realism, which is pretty ‘en vogue’ right now,” said Katrina Oliver, part-time salesperson and director of “Our Town.” “But method acting doesn’t usually mesh well with my style. Part of the problem with method acting is that you embody your character every moment of every day. Now that’s fine in theory, but in the real world, keeping that mindset up all the time can lead to some dissociation. I didn’t have any concerns during the audition, but now I’m kind of worried about his mental health. I mean, even though it’s probably not the case, you gotta wonder, ‘Jeez, how much of this is the character, and how much is the person underneath it all?’ But at the same time, he can pull off a VERY convincing stage drunk, which is a hard thing

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH to do. It may be because he’s actually absolutely plastered, but who are we to judge the methods of an artist?” However, shortly after “Our Town” closed, Dunne revealed via Twitter that his entire alcoholism-fueled performance was nothing more than a ruse. “Over the past several weeks, I’ve dedicated myself to the role of Simon Stimson. And for all the rehearsals and performances, you’ve only been working with Simon Stimson, and not Zayden Dunne. However, as Zayden, I wanted to gather you all here today to say that it’s been an absolute pleasure to work with you all, and that “Our Town” has been one of the most intriguing productions that I’ve put on recently. More importantly, however, I wanted to gather you all here because I need a ride home and a sponsor for Alcoholics Anonymous.”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Leprechauns

decline in particular, with 2019 being the driest year in recorded history due to the rampant forest fires that blazed for months throughout the fall. “Honestly, we’re coming up a bit short,” said Patricia Grady, a local leprechaun and business owner. “We’ve even had to switch to marijuana because four-leaf clovers don’t grow here anymore. It’s not the ‘pot of gold’ we expected, but it’s all we have, and a green thumb sure comes in handy in this business. Even then, without rainbows, I’m not sure how I can afford to live here next year. Selling weed to college kids only gets you so far.” “I’ve been living here since the California Gold Rush. Like, I literally made that happen,” said leprechaun Reginald Harrison III. “And now, like, I can’t even buy any stupid green-tinted beer or a McDonald’s Shamrock-fuckingShake! I moved here because it was sunny and had rain at least every once in a while, about a century and a half ago. That was enough to enjoy the weather and make a living. But now I can’t make rent, so I have to dress up as that Lucky Charms bastard for birthday parties. It’s humiliating.” All along the West Coast, leprechauns are increasingly unable to make enough luck or save substantial amounts of gold to make ends meet. Dr. Arlene Ku, a professor of anthropology at UCSD claims that the traditional leprechaun lifestyle is at risk of disappearing completely. “You want a world without luck? Well, that’s exactly what is going to happen

THE MQ

if we keep losing leprechauns,” said Ku. Research from Ku’s report “The Irish Gold-Famine” indicates that shrinking glaciers and changing weather patterns appear to harm magical species just as much as non-magical groups. “In this instance, the Leparachaun population is increasing in areas with climates that have substantially more rain and sunlight in order to survive.” Ku stresses that climate change is real, and so are the rights of magical creatures. “We need to act now before it’s too late.” “The only group benefitting from this crap would be the tooth fairies, as it’s not like anyone can afford dental anymore, so everyone’s losing their adult teeth too,” said Donnie Byrne, founder of the Leprechauns Go Green Initiative. “Santa’s workshop flooded last year which completely ruined the elven habitat, and the Easter Bunnies can’t find any ethically sourced chocolate for a reasonable price. Plus, the raw eggs they harvest are becoming harder to produce since they become hard-boiled by the fires. It’s a living nightmare.” According to Byrne, the leprechauns of Southern California are exemplary of how the negative effects of global warming are only getting started. “At this point, we’ll have to wait until the parades in June before we get any kind of rainbows, and at that point they’re all hijacked by corporations trying to get social justice points. I really think the Green New Deal is the only path forward, otherwise, we’re all going up in flames.”

We don’t squid around Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief..............................Jay Noonan Managing Editor......................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor............................Steven Zhou Content Editor.......................Dexter Hamilton Assistant Content Editor......Aniela Drumonde Assistant Content Editor...............Beans Cox Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn Assistant Design Editor.....................Bri Arce

Graphics Editor..............................Jack Yang Assistant Graphics Editor........... Sharon Roth

Social/Publicity Chair..............Andrew Sitko Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez Assistant Copy Editor...........Ram Sivapalan Web Editor....................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain............Adam Yoshinaga Foreign Correspondent.......Stephen Lightfoot

MQ Fairy Godmother...................Sage Cristal MQ Trophy Husband.....David Vereau-Gorbitz MQ Bumbling Dad..........................Chris Jin MQ Indecisive Relative...................Jessica Ma Muir Advisor.............................Claudia Pena

Staff Members

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Booster Club All content is copyright © 2020 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Greetings reader! This production’s been a wild ride as always, and as usual I’m so proud of all the awesome work everyone’s doing. I wasn’t able to be here for much of it due to my work schedule, but I’m happy to see everyone doing what they need to do without me constantly checking in. We’re wrapping up a busy quarter and I’m looking forward to all the fun we’re going to have in spring. Stay safe out there and good luck with finals! -Jay

I want to be the very best // There ever was To satirize the rest // Yeah, that’s my cause! Electrode, Diglett, Nidoran, Mankey // Jack, Bri, Sharon, Beans, Jerry They bought food with dining dollars //Exeggutor, Pikachu, Froakie, Grimer Mesprit, Yanma, Falinks, Hatterene // Chris, Matt, Haana, Beans They bought oreos upon oreos // Igglybuff, Grookey, Snom, Oricorio Aniela bought Andrew some birthday cake // Jay and Silver also bought Andrew cake Dracovish, Wobbuffet, Phantump, Joltik // Grimmsnarl, Klefki, Farfetch’d, Manectric Duraludon, Reshiram, Chansey, Sudowoodo // David and Natalia also brought various food, oh Gotta satirize ‘em all // Gotta satirize ‘em all

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March 11, 2020

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Area Child Reportedly “Just Turned Five”

“It won’t be long now until Jeffrey is fully grown,” said one family member. BY QUOC TRAN

Staff Writer

rea child Jeffrey Chao has just turned five years old. Chao hails from a suburban neighborhood in Clairemont Mesa, California. In the past few weeks, news of his turning five has gone viral in the community, reaching the Chao’s neighbors, the Stewarts, his preschool teacher, and both the USPS and the FedEx mailmen. When questioned on his motivations for turning five, Chao cited his sister Jessica, age seven, announcing that he, “wanted to catch up to her.” Jeffrey also mentioned that he wanted more toys, and that, “big kids get more toys.” A recent study from the University of Washington contradicts this claim, suggesting that people tend to receive fewer toys the

older they get. Chao’s neighbor, Max Stewart, age 54, revealed that he first learned of Chao’s new age last Thursday. “I was just pulling into my driveway after coming home from work, when Jeffrey ran up to me and told me that he was five now.” Katie, Stewart’s wife, corroborated the story, but added that she had her doubts. “I haven’t received an invitation to Jeffrey’s birthday party yet. I’ll acknowledge that the little brat turned five when I get my invite.” Many others doubt the validity of Jeffrey’s claims. Jeffery’s aunt Patricia Chao, said, “He was so small the last time I saw him; there’s no way he can be five already!” Many of his other relatives who reportedly gathered to debate the matter nodded

in agreement. Despite these skeptics, the news has been widely accepted amongst the general public, albeit with some indifference. Lucas Ellis, the Chaos’ regular mailman with USPS, only shrugged when questioned on the matter. “I guess there have been a lot of birthday cards delivered to their address recently.” Chao’s father, Jeremy, when asked for his thoughts, paused for a second to think and mused, “Huh, I guess he is now.” Despite the general consensus, definitive proof that Chao is in fact five years old has yet to be found. While scientific evidence supports that Chao is somewhere between the ages of four and seven, given his height, Chao himself has been unable to procure any evidence verifying his exact age. When asked for the

PHOTO BY JAY NOONAN full details of his last medical checkup, he only commented: “I hate going to the doctor.” Some activists have gone further to uncover the truth behind Chao’s age, demanding a copy of his birth certificate. Maria Reyes, an employee of the San Diego County clerk’s office, was unwilling to release documents pertaining to the birth of Chao. “We can’t just give any random person someone else’s birth certificate,” she explained to the protesters who had gathered around the building. A Freedom of Information Act request has already been filed to legally obtain the document. Jeffrey Chao reportedly declined to comment further on his age, only indicating that he was “this many,” and holding up five fingers.

Local Student Prophesizes “Total Apocalypse” if Regents Switch to Semester System

New Study Shows Mental Illnesses are Apparently “Not Moods”

PHOTO BY JAY NOONAN Students were dismissive of the movement, with one saying “They should just be more positive.” BY MIRANDA MAY

Design Editor

ew findings from a study conducted by the UCSD Psychology Department show that students are unable to express daily frustrations without immediately appropriating mental health issues. This study has prompted a movement among psychologists to end the misuse of disparaging psychological terms. Dr. Henry Wilhelm, a research professor at UCSD states: “These terms are meant to describe the chronic symptoms those suffering from mental illness face, and it’s offensive when neurotypical people use them so casually.” Some students, however, disagree with the criticism. Amanda June, a UCSD literature major, says, “I was outraged the researchers would even insist I get rid of a huge part of my vocabulary. I just got a C on my midterm, and I’m so depressed! What other word am I supposed to use? I’m about to have an anxiety attack because of finals, and I have already had three mental breakdowns today, two of which happened when I didn’t know what I wanted at Starbucks. Just thinking about my fall quarter ochem final is giving me PTSD.” Others have sided with June, including Stacy Grenshaw. “I have such crazy OCD! I hate it when somebody’s shirt collar is crooked or they have an undone button.” When asked further about her OCD, she replied, “I mean, I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD by a doctor, but I took a quiz online about it and I totally am hella OCD. Like, I can’t stand crook-

ed paintings on a wall, it drives me crazy.” Erik Vargas, a UCSD biology major, who was also interviewed, states: “The weather was so bipolar today! This morning I was freezing my nads off, and now I’m sweaty as hell! Also I should be able to use whatever words I want, free speech and all.” Dr. Wilhelm addressed these students at a campus event, insisting: “These words are meant to diagnose and help those living with mental disorders. When these words are used so carelessly, it trivializes mental illness and furthers stigma. These disorders are chronic, complex, and impact the lives of millions. If you continue to use these words, you are invalidating those suffering from these illnesses and diminishing the severity of their condition!” To this June responded: “Dr. Wilhelm made a great point, but it was really hard to listen to him because he was using such big words, and I am totally ADHD. And I still think diagnostic words should not be taken away from the mentally normative!” After pushback from the gathered students, Dr. Wilhelm exclaimed in frustration: “There are thousands of other words to describe these mundane struggles! Use words like ‘upset,’ ‘stressed,’ or ‘overwhelmed!’ The life threatening struggles of the mentally ill are not fucking adjectives!” Dr. Wilhelm reportedly raised his voice and continued to yell, until he was escorted out by his colleagues. “What a psycho,” said June.

TOP TEN PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Kovalenko reportedly has lost “ample amounts of money” because he insists on paying cash but refuses to accept change. BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Staff Writer

n a public statement, the Board of Regents proposed changing from the quarter system to the semester system, claiming that the change would be for the good of the students, and in order to “decrease stress and to help the students learn and absorb material over a more relaxed time frame.” In response, one radical UCSD student has threatened retaliation “of the highest degree.” According to thirdyear Sascha Kovalenko, who was seen canvassing against the proposal on library walk while other students avoided him, this is “an idiotic stupid dumb idea for dumb idiots. How dare they try to force change on me!” Others have expressed hesitance on social media, but for differing reasons. “I may not like the quarter sys-

tem, but just let me suffer in peace,” commented one student on Facebook. “If we had a semester system, I couldn’t complain as much about being stressed, and I like complaining!” In a recent addendum, the Board of Regents reiterated that this is just a proposal, and in line with other university proposals, no action will be taken in any sort of timely manner. Kovalenko’s radical rallies persist, however, and have escalated since Monday. “If we switch to a semester system, the consequences will be grave,” Kovalenko promised at a rally protesting the proposition. “What? No— not on us, on the Regents!” he clarified. “In fact, if they don’t pay attention to us, there will be consequences for all of Earth. We are in the process of opening a gate to the Netherworld with the help of some exhausted TAs and a few history majors. Should the Re-

gents choose to transition into a semester system, seven plagues shall salt the Earth, and the Dark Lord Azothoth shall return to this realm and bring an infinite amount of quarters of torment and anguish to all who practice the heretical semester system! You shall all face the consequences!” Kovalenko then reportedly asked where he could buy ether-soaked rags, before donning a face mask and disappearing in a cloud of smoke. “‘Consequences’ rang in my ears after the smoke cleared away,” said Brittany Sinclair, another student at the rally. “My eyes glazed over. ‘Consequences,’ repeated the voice, hissing and echoing in an unnatural fashion. My breath caught; the smoke had not dissipated, but had taken residence inside my lungs. It pushed against my chest, it made my heart pound. I was sweating, gasping, and the

smoke was in my veins. I fell to my knees. ‘Consequences.’ I kept chanting, over and over, my mouth moving of its own accord.” Since Sinclair’s experience, rumors of campuswide demonic possessions have been circulating, but there is no evidence to back up these claims. Students as far as the Warren and Sixth College apartments have reported hearing arcane chants and seeing clouds of dark grey smoke hovering over Geisel. As for now, university students and faculty can only wait for an official decision. “I beg the Regents not to switch to the semester system. I fear what will happen to me should the Regents make this fatal error,” Sinclair expressed, still coughing. The Board of Regents did not respond when reached for comment on the proposal.

Top 10 Reasons The Chickens Are Staging a Coup 10. They realized they were low in the pecking order 9. It was better than running around like their heads were cut off 8. They aren’t. It was just a yolk 7. After the death of the president, there was a scramble for power 6. People kept poaching their eggs 5. They thought the sky was falling 4. They wanted to prove they could hatch a plan 3. That’s how they thought coop was pronounced 2. Unborn eggs have more rights than them 1. They got a bit cocky

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theMQ.org

New Study Finds Lost Keys, Scientist Appalled at His Own Creation

West says the next big step is finding where he last parked his car. BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

Assistant Content Editor

ecently it was announced UCSD can now boast about a new piece of technology other than GoPros or nicotine patches. Quincy West, selfproclaimed “future PhD.,” has just revolutionized the field of what he titles “quantum spatiality or something. It doesn’t matter what it’s called, not anymore.” A second-year Warren student, West came to the interview wearing a tattered lab coat, a haunted expression, and an arc of blood splashed exactly where the line of his left cheekbone was. While adjusting slightly crooked glasses with a spider-web of cracks, West looked off vaguely into the distance, saying, “What have I done? If I could go back in time and stop myself, I would. I

never believed them. I was too young, too foolish. If I had been more thoughtful, I would’ve realized the true extent of what I’d be releasing into this innocent world with my hubris. I could have stopped myself before more lives could be lost.” In what he calls “God’s mistake,” West has created a scientific marvel that finds lost keys, but, as West claims, the technology “is capable of so much more.” West gestured to a lead box lined with velvet-colored symbols, which turned out to be absent-minded doodles of Sun God. West opened the box to reveal a chrome contraption with blinking lights and a perpetual humming high C note. “This helps you find your keys, but at what cost? What is the price of human life? What is the price of our innocence?” Having started off as an English Major, West soon changed course after realiz-

ily QueQuuesetio..ns. Dear Eeum e Answers Your 555 Em Qu

@The_MQ 023 Twitter Ave. 92

ing he would have more success as a quantum physicist. “UC Berkeley didn’t accept me, and neither did UCLA, Harvard, Stanford, NYU, or UC Santa Barbara. But seventh choice isn’t so bad, I guess. After coming here, I realized being in STEM is the only thing that matters if I want a job.” West continued, sweat beading at his temples. “But nothing matters. Not after what I’ve done. I’ll never be able to feel the same joy I once did when I was young and naive. How I wish I could go back to those days during Fall quarter, where I never had to wonder at the blood these hands have spilled. Dear God in heaven, I could drown in the blood I have spilled.” He stopped to check the readings of his mechanical contraptions and stir bright green liquid bubbling in Erlenmeyer flasks of different shapes and sizes.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG West goes on to question, “Did my fate lead up to this very moment? Did the trials and tribulations of life mold me into the very thing I’ve come to despise? When I look in the mirror, all I see is echoes of what I could have been, if not for this. Oh, if there’s any higher power out there in the universe, please forgive me. I know I can never forgive myself.” It is unknown to all but West how the technology of his device works, including how a chemistry set would assist in “triangulating the metabolic relays of keys” as West puts it. When pressed for detail, West quoted a line from “Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams,” adjusting his torn lab coat and running off: “I’ve discovered the secret! I know now what you wanted from me, brother, and I intend to see it through! I swear on our dead mother’s grave!”

Listen, you should get this nose job, for suresies. But also you Should I get a nose job? should get so much more. Your nose is definitely not the only thing wrong with your face, so a nose job will be one step in a very long process. For example, your earlobes are probably really long and dangly and hang in a way that is not attractive for your face. You also probably have really spaced apart eyebrows that are too hairy and have no shape. That’s you for sure, like that’s totally you — I can see it so clearly it’s like looking in the mirror. You should also get liposuction cuz your mom will only love you if you have a skinny waist. Your mom probably told you every day after middle school, when you would get a GoGurt from the fridge, that: “if your waist isn’t snatched, then you won’t be a catch.” Long story short, you should definitely get that nose job because if my self worth depended on a GoGurt, then yours should too. Email me — I can hook you up with a good plastic surgeon.

Here’s the key: lie. I have a job interview lined Lie all the time. up for the first time in years. Lie about Got any advice? everything. Lie about your last job. Say you were the CFO of McDonalds when the truth is you were just a fry cook. Say that you’ve mastered Python, HTML, C++ and R when the truth is you’ve only ever fixed that weird code in Jerry’s online newsletter. Say you have great people skills (we all know that’s a lie otherwise you wouldn’t be asking a satire paper for advice). They will never fact check you. In fact, fact checking does not exist. If all fails, just have a rich daddy, and you can easily get any job.

Dude, lean into it. Honestly, hit them with I want to like mexican food that “muchachos” and really show off your but I keep pronouncing ethnic side. “Hola” sounds so much better the L in tortilla? when you pronounce the “h” in it, anyways. Say “Buenos Dias” to your waiter, and pronounce every consonant to prove you are aggressively caucasian. Order a cheese quesadilla, but make sure you ask for no salsa — both you and the waiters and the cooks all know you can’t handle any spice. You could even go down the street and buy a sombrero, and do the macarena to join the mariachi. The mexican waiter will probably love it; they get this all the time from white dickheads like you.

March 11, 2020

POINT

We Don’t Need Seven More Colleges BY RIA LIZUM

Student

CSD is a big school. Plopped on the cliffs of La Jolla, the top research university has an undergraduate population of over 20,000 students, and the people in charge, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that that needs to be a bigger number. In an effort to grab money from more out-of-state and international students, UCSD is currently working on expanding its campus to include seven more “colleges,” or communities of around 3,000 students, to increase the undergraduate population to 40,000. For reference, that’s about the same population of Salem, Massachusetts or even (you guessed it!) La Jolla, California. That is too many people! Already students have to walk 20-plus minutes to classes across campus. Already students are experiencing the heartbreak of meeting someone from Warren and realizing you’ll never see them again once this class is over. Already students from Sixth are turning to the rac-

coons to be their friends. So why is UCSD doing this? Why are we spending so much money building colleges to accommodate an already ridiculously large student population? Wouldn’t it be wiser for that money to go to something like improving the colleges we already have? Or, I don’t know, better wifi? Rather than spending millions of dollars on campus expansion, UCSD should become a more selective school, and focus on housing the students it already has. Plus, Muir already lost its parking lot. You can’t tear down Revelle’s too! Building seven more colleges is a waste of time, money, space, and resources. It simply isn’t reasonable.

COUNTERPOINT But If We Have 13, Sun God Can Finally Ascend to His True Form BY CHANCELLOR KHOSLA

Supreme Leader of UCSDemonic h, you ignorant students. You idiotic fools! You think I am concerned about your happiness or well being? For years, I have been sneaking around campus in the dead of night installing more and more cursed structures! That spiky box in Mandeville basement? I put that there on All Hallows Eve in ‘93 to suck inspiration from the art students! The line of water fountains in Pepper Canyon Hall? It drains everything you thought you knew about math and again collects your tears when you fail your midterms! All of these things, the hopes and wishes and fears of you students are then sent to the big-ass pole in Revelle! And the light it flashes transmits these things to the statue Sun God is contained in! In Morse code, it repeats only one message: “Rise. Rise. Rise.” You brainless so-called scholars don’t even know what Sun God is. You walk backward under The Arch with the hopes that He will bestow upon you the luck of the gods. Don’t you see? In 1983, Sun God chose to enter this place and time. Little did He know, The Enemy had been tracking His movements

and knew where He would be. Yes, “Queen” Elizabeth, The Enemy herself, visited campus on that fateful day in 1983 when Sun God entered our reality. Imbued with dark magic, she captured His spirit and cursed Him to an immobile form, only to be released when she dies (which won’t happen by natural causes) or when the cursed magic of campus overcomes her own. That, you spineless fools, is why you are so unhappy! That is why we have held a festival every year since! Chaotic rituals that will strengthen Him so that He may break free! Why build 13 colleges you ask? Why spend all this time and money? BECAUSE WITH 13 COLLEGES, CAMPUS WILL TRULY BE CURSED, AND THEN SUN GOD WILL FINALLY ARISE!

What the hell. Listen up you effervescent bitch, you are worth more than literally any man. You could literally vomit in my mouth and I would call How do you get over someone? it poetry. You could literally go weeks without showering, or honestly jump into a garbage can and call yourself a dead fish carcass, and you would still smell better than those other bitches. Do you look at yourself in the mirror? You could be looking in one of those fun house mirrors that makes you look disgusting, but you’d still look like recycling among the trash. You are so beautiful that God is still busy trying to get over making you, yet you have the audacity to ask: “how do I get over someone?” How dare you. You alone are just so powerful, and I need you to recognize that inner power. You are beautiful and smart and wonderful, you effervescent bitch.

If you want Emily to answer your questions in a future issue, tweet inquiries to @The_MQ on Twitter!

We’ll Get There When We Get There

BY GAGE TANZMAN

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March 11, 2020

Burger King Announces New Snakey Shakey to compete with McDonald’s Shamrock Shake

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Disneyland and UC System Compete for Highest Prices

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH UCSD and Disney are also currently engaged in a trademark dispute over the name “King Triton.” BY PILAN SCRUGGS

W Burger King announced that every Kid’s Shake will come with a free rattle. BY MATTHEW MILTIMORE

Staff Writer

n a new step towards commercializing holidays across the calendar, Burger King announced its latest menu item on Tuesday: the Snakey Shakey. Set to hit select restaurants in mid-March, the Snakey Shakey celebrates St. Patrick’s effort to drive the snakes out of Ireland. It also marks the first time a shake has ever been themed around a 5th century campaign to expunge Irish paganism. Described by Burger King as “the next step in the world of creamy innovation,” the Snakey Shakey contains ingredients never before used in a fast-food menu item. The Snakey Shakey contains

“green-dyed vanilla ice cream with a caramel swirl, a hearty dollop of whipped cream, and a quarter-pound of raw snake meat stagnating at the bottom of the green, four-leaf clover covered cup,” according to Burger King PR representative. “They said I wouldn’t do it, that I couldn’t do it,” remarked Katie O’Knoll, head of Burger King’s new Menu Development Team. “They asked me if I fear what I created. Well, I have a question for them instead. Has a piece of food ever shaken you so violently? Has it ever rocked you to your very core? Ever made you look at yourself in the mirror as you softly weep? Now, what if that piece of food was only $3.49 at

participating locations?” Following the announcement of the Snakey Shakey via the official Burger King Twitter page, McDonald’s, host of the ubiquitous Shamrock Shake, was quick to offer a response. “@BurgerKing Bold choice, but we all know who the real shake king is,” read the tweet, preceding a photo of Ronald McDonald triumphantly drinking a Shamrock Shake while holding the decapitated head of the Burger King up to a crowd of cheering children. Despite the Snakey Shakey’s limited release, the new item remains a hotly anticipated item for fast-food connoisseurs. “I am overwhelmed with sheer, unbridled excitement,” said

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Hank Lacantry, an electrician who regularly posts reviews of new fast-food items to his “Hungry Hank” YouTube channel. “I have eaten things that no person should ever put inside their body. Mountain Dew cheesy fries, the Del Taco Throat Punch Burrito, even Carl’s Jr’s Bacon Double Donut Chicken Wrap, but none have ever come close to the untamed chaos exuded by this shake. I am both terrified and thrilled.” When reached for comment, Burger King’s PR department said “The Snakey Shakey is sure to go fast, so make sure you head down to your local Burger King and get it while it’s lukewarm.”

Elon Musk Deemed “Not Morally Ambiguous Enough” to Qualify as Name for Sixth College

Staff Writer ast week, UCSD’s college naming committee released their bi-weekly transparency report detailing polling data of names for Sixth College, in which the popular candidate “Elon Musk College” was struck from the list. In the transcript, the review board had deemed Elon Musk’s achievements “not controversial enough based on the set of arbitrary questions the board has drafted.” “Heroes are dead,” said Chancellor Khosla when asked about the review process. “We believe that our campus should be up to date with the trends of our modern society. It is our opinion that Elon Musk does not exemplify the tenants of the 21st-century scholar: being accused and/or convicted of racism, sexism, or fraud; while also

refusing to acknowledge wrongdoings and plowing through with confidence.” “Some people say we’ve made some real progress with naming Eleanor Roosevelt College after a woman,” claimed one source, who wished to be anonymous. “But I think we need to balance that out with more morally ambiguous figures, such as Earl Warren or Theodore Seuss Geisel.” The review board is composed of four ethics professors from UC San Diego, all of whom are appointed by the Chancellor. “Before we could determine if Elon Musk was a suitable candidate, we had to establish what it means to be influential in a postmodern world,” stated Professor Rafael Higgins-Baez, one of the board members of the college naming committee. “Our definition isn’t complete yet, but we have determined that to

ith spring and summer break just around the corner, Disneyland recently announced that higher entrance fees will accompany increased visitation during the summer season. However, in a press statement, recentlyappointed CEO Bob Chapek revealed that Disneyland’s motives extended beyond anticipating an influx of tourists. Chapek revealed that the “happiest place on Earth” is engaged in “friendly competition” with the University of California system to see who can more rapidly raise their entrance fees. Prices of Disneyland tickets will rise by $30 starting June 1. “The rumor that’s been floating around is that one of the UC Regents claimed they can wring more money out of college students that we can,” said Chapek. “We here at Disney appreciate some friendly competition, so for the 2020 summer season, we will raise admission prices to both Disneyland and California Adventure parks to show the Regents the power of a good ol’ family megacorporation.” The student discount for park tickets will also be revised to a “student surcharge,” likely as a nod towards the UC Regents’ primary demographic. As a result of the price change, for the first time ever the price of a single-day Park Hopper ticket would exceed $200. Jorge Medina, an Anaheim resident, expressed support for the change by saying, “It seems sort of unfair for tourists who will only visit once in their lives, but they kind of bother me so I guess if this keeps them away, it’s okay?” Conversely, Seungwan Kang, a UCSD undergraduate student, lamented the elevated fee. “The ratio of tickets to UC admission is going down,” Kang complained. “It used to be something like 178 tickets per year of admission, but with this change, I think it’ll be closer to 160, especially since we can’t really go outside of the days when admission is most expensive. I guess a tuition increase

would fix that ratio, but that’s not ideal either.” Towards the end of January, the UC Board of Regents postponed a vote regarding the implementation of a tuition increase beginning in the 2020-21 school, a proposal that, according to various sources, was vehemently opposed by students across all UC campuses. “It wouldn’t be fair at all,” protested Mitchell Peterson, a UCSD student. “The chancellor only needs so many tuition hikes. They’re taking away our parking and starting all of these construction projects that won’t be finished until everyone here graduates, but for what? They even force us to buy more dining dollars, but our tuition isn’t going towards edible food. The new Canyon Vista clearly illustrates that.” Other opinions pointed out that the proposed tuition hike clashed with the UC system’s supposed goal of enrolling more of California students, insisting that higher tuition would only attract more affluent international applicants. One reporter claimed to have heard Chancellor Khosla say, “We cannot allow ourselves to play second fiddle to Disneyland’s profits. We must milk all the money we can out of our students. How else are we going to afford the expansions required for Khosla-Planet?” Despite Chapek’s insistence that the competition was friendly, multiple Disneyland cast members have claimed that the competition between the two entities is anything but. “When Disney+ was released, a bunch of college students jumped on that,” cast member Tony Rivers explained. “I guess the UC system saw that as money they weren’t getting, and figured they could compensate by increasing tuition. If you ask me, both Disneyland and the UC system are behaving like small children dragging out a meaningless argument. In the end nobody will win except the people at the very top, and they’ve already been winning for their whole lives, so it’s not like they need much more.”

PHOTO BY JAY NOONAN

Musk later tweeted: “Once I get to Mars, I’ll show them.” TOMMY JUNG

Staff Writer

be truly influential in this era, one must be revered as a God by half of the population, and be irredeemably vilified by the other. We’ll have more information by the end of 2021 when our first draft will be released.” When asked about their opinion on the matter, an anonymous student secretary said, “I don’t care about what’s happening, I’m just glad the meeting is over. It’s hell being with these people.” The public report included the 300-word preface written by the board explaining their reasoning behind striking Musk’s candidacy. According to the document, Elon Musk received ‘ambiguous’ points for “being white, male, and attempting to launch Tesla’s stocks at $420 per share.” However, due to the “lack of major racist or sexist actions during his career as CEO,” and for releasing a musical track with

the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, Musk was placed on the “chaotic good” spectrum of the rating system, thus making him ineligible as a name for a UCSD college. “If Musk had admitted that the stock move was a way to lower his income another tax bracket, he would’ve probably got more chaotic evil points,” claimed review board member Professor Dirk Van-Dyck, “but he didn’t, so we had to chalk up altruism points for ‘wealthy CEO making company accessible to the middle class’” As of today, the search for Sixth College’s new title continues. “At this point, we may just turn to Wikipedia’s ‘Top 10 Most Controversial People,’” remarked the review committee. “We’re currently considering Kanye West as a strong candidate.”

The Finals Metamorphosis

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March 11, 2020

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Raccoon Themed “Pirates of the Caribbean” Ride Creates a Sinkhole in Sixth Parking Lot

UCSD officials apologized for disrupting “the foundation of trust” between students and faculty. BY ANDREW SITKO

Social/Publicity Chair

fter a controversial decision by Chancellor Khosla to install a raccoon-themed “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride under a Sixth College parking lot, students and raccoons alike are dealing with the fallout of a sinkhole enveloping the ride. The “Raccoon Pirates of the Caribbean Ride for Raccoons and Khosla Only” project was completed in July of 2019, and has been in use since by raccoons around the greater San Diego area. The project cost UCSD 3.2 billion dollars and is expected to be paid off by increased charges to current and incoming students. The UC system has boasted that the creation of this facility underneath Sixth has also led to more student jobs. The STDT-3 “Underseer” position was introduced to Sixth college students exclusively to manage ride operations. These students are trained to ‘pacify’ raccoons that refuse to work, with a newly innovated elec-

tro-staffs produced by Jacob’s Engineering. The equipment has been introduced as part of the Green Initiative on campus, as they runs on steam. At the time of its announcement, the ride faced criticism from students about the route to the Sixth apartments being diverted to crossing the I-5, which many considered “unsafe and frankly suicidal.” Student activists admit that participation in protests has died down since midterms began, however, Sixth students report the slump was caused by twelve protesters being struck by cars on the freeway. On February 10, the Sixth college parking lot was evacuated when the ceiling of the ride began to collapse. Casualties from the collapse were reported as three small, painted boats, five raccoons, a Sixer, and a Honda Civic. Second-year Anne Xu was at the lot when it collapsed. “My boyfriend fell through the floor because he was too busy trying to activate a Spin bike. It was a real shame to lose

him, but the real tragedy of this event was when I learned that there were little raccoons in those boats down there. Those poor raccoons really didn’t deserve this.” Chancellor Khosla emerged from his secret underground lair in a flying, steam-powered helicopter soon after the collapse and was met by a crowd of student activists. Khosla adjusted his monocle and tophat before saying through a loudspeaker, “Leave the area now, or you will be met with lethal force.” When the protesters stood fast, Director of Sixth Res-Life Anthony Jakubsin exited the helicopter in a mech suit, chainguns revving and screaming, “I am your Overseer, second to none other than the Grand Overseer Khosla, He Who Sees All!” Underseer Miles Labrador recounted the events that transpired. “The sinkhole crushed a lot of raccoons down there, and the surviving raccoons running all the equipment stopped to mourn the loss of their brethren. When Grand Over-

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH seer Khosla screamed into his loudspeaker to continue the work, those little guys got angry. They jumped toward the helicopter, aiming for Khosla, but Jakubisin dived in front, saving him but falling into the sinkhole with the raccoons. He screamed for us to help him, but honestly, we’re only getting paid fourteen bucks an hour and don’t get priority enrollment, so we just dropped our electro staffs and watched.” Search and Rescue teams could not locate Jakubisin at the scene, and he is considered still at large. HDH issued a reward of $250 in dining dollars for information of Jakubisin’s whereabouts. UCSD Administration has reached an agreement with the enslaved raccoons to operate the ride as a not-forprofit co-op once it is rebuilt, where Sixers and raccoons will take turns operating the pirates and riding the ride for maximum enjoyment.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons to Include Gentrification

March 11, 2020

POINT

The Pole is the Worst Art Piece on Campus BOB O’SNOBO

Student t the end of my senior year of high school, I found myself facing one of the most important decisions of my life: which prestigious university will I accept the invitation to and attend come the following school year? While the decision was far from an easy one, I knew that my heart and my parents’ money had a home at UC San Diego. The academics are great, sure, but there was so much more that led me to this school. The most prevalent apects being the exciting social life, the excellent housing, and an administration that puts student success above everything and anything. However, one aspect of this stunning university carries more weight and character than the rest combined. I am speaking, of course, about the Stuart Collection. I mean, you got to give it to them. These installations are exemplary works of modern art. A bear made of rocks? Incredible. A path that looks like a snake? Sssssexy. A tiny little-bitty leaning house? Oh baby, it feels like home, but not quite home! Magnificent! These are all amazing pieces of art, yet amongst them lies a pariah

that sticks out like a 195-foottall sore thumb. I am talking about the ugly, despicable, and utterly pretentious monstrosity titled “What Hath God Wrought.” Even writing its full name makes my skin crawl. Every time I walk past the brooding beast of a “sculpture,” I get sick. The sheer arrogance it exudes, acting all high and mighty as if I don’t already know that it’s 189 feet and three inches taller than me. Why should I pretend that Morse code is even relevant? Telegrams haven’t been cool since 1876, you gigantic archaic column of garbage. Beep beep beep. See? Anyone can do it. Who even paid for this anyway? The money could have been used for something more important like ripping apart another parking lot. It’s an embarrassment to art, and more importantly, to UCSD. I will die before I recognize it as a part of the Stuart Collection.

COUNTERPOINT ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.-- --- ..MR. WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT Pole

-.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / - .... .. -. -./ - .... .. ... / .. ... / .- / --. .- -- . ..--.. / .... ..- .... ..--.. / .. / ... .-- . .- .-. / --- / --. --- -.. / .. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / --. .-. --- .-- / .- .-. -- ... / ... --- / - .... .- - / .. / -.-. .- -. / - . .- .-. / -.-- --..- / .-.. .. -- -... / ..-. .-. --- -- / .-.. .. -- -... / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. .-. . .- -- / --..-. / -.-. --- .-. -. / ... .-.. .. -- . -.-- / ... --- -. / --- ..-. / .- / -... .. - -.-. .... .-.-.- / .. / .... .- ...- . / -- --- .-. . / .--. . .-. ... --- -. .- .-.. .. - -.-- / .. -. / -- -.-- / .-.. .. --. .... - / -... --- -..- / - .... .- -. / -.-- --- ..- / .... .- ...- . / .. -. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .-- .... --- .-.. . / -... --- -.. -.-- .-.-.- / .. / .... --- .--. . / -.-- --- ..- / -. . ...- . .-. / ..-. .. -. -.. / .- -. -.-- / ... . -- -... .-.. .- -. -.-. . / --- ..-. / .-.. --- ...- . / --- .-. / .--. . .- -.-. . / .. -. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .-- .... --- .-.. . / -- .. ... . .-. .- -... .-.. . / .-.. .. ..-. . .-.-.(Translated) “I am saddened to hear that you find my appearance unappealing, yet I find solace in remembering that art remains wholly subjective. If art is meant to inspire emotion, then your response serves as an example to my success. While I seek to remind the students of UC San Diego of the very first instant message sent by telegraph, I believe my purpose has evolved as much as technology has. In repeating the ponderous phrase “What Hath God Wrought,” I also hope to point to the meaning

behind this message. A reflection on the great change that new technology may bring, this message may resonate as much today as it did in 1844.” Translator’s Note: It is important to remember that in Polese, the context of certain words are different than their English translations. While Mr. Wrought’s words may be directly translated as, “DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? HUH? I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GROW ARMS SO THAT I CAN TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB YOU CREAM OF CORN SLIMEY SON OF A BITCH. I HAVE MORE PERSONALITY IN MY LIGHTBOX THAN YOU HAVE IN YOUR WHOLE BODY. I HOPE YOU NEVER FIND ANY SEMBLANCE OF LOVE OR PEACE IN YOUR WHOLE MISERABLE LIFE,” the meaning that Mr. Wrought intends to convey may be different than what English vernacular suggests.

PHOTO BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY Isabelle also offers the option of forcing villagers to stop speaking their dialect of Animalese if the player deems it “unprofessional.” BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

Managing Editor

intendo has revealed that gentrification will be featured in the upcoming video game Animal Crossing: New Horizons. This latest installment in the Animal Crossing game series features players populating a previously “deserted” island, establishing a town there and building infrastructure such as shops and houses. After naming the town, players can invite anthropomorphic animal villagers to populate the area. The various bugs, fish, and other animals already living in the area who survive the newly introduced pollution and deforestation can be caught and featured in a museum. They are reportedly not considered civilized enough by the devel-

opers to be given affordable individual housing. “We wanted players to be able to create a sophisticated village for themselves,” says Animal Crossing director Aya Kyogoku. “The island starts out unruly and unlivable, but you know what they say: one man’s trash is another man’s competitively priced apartment.” If players do not wish to start the game on an undeveloped island, they will be given the option to begin with some basic housing options and historical family-owned restaurants that will disappear after the tutorials. However, the option to build artisanal juice bars must be unlocked through further gameplay. A recently released trailer revealed various animals that can appear in players’ towns to initiate in-game events

or distribute special items. One of the featured animals was Label, a hedgehog most known for her job selling high-end clothing from GracieGrace, an in-game brand featuring rare items, high prices, and no disclosed factory locations or working conditions. Some animals, like Label, only appear in players’ towns after players spend enough in-game currency at the shops and renovate their home multiple times, or else the visitors will report feeling unsafe in the player’s town. In this case, visitors will offer to feature one of the town’s villagers on their Instagram story before buying the land containing that villager’s home. The new installment in the series places emphasis on the player’s ability to customize their town. “I’m super

excited to plan where every villager’s house is going to go,” says Animal Crossing fan Daniel Kalebloomsky. “In earlier games, incoming villagers’ houses just popped up basically anywhere, constantly ruining my flower arrangements and specially laid out brick path designs.” Kalebloomsky’s “good friend” Freckles the Duck expressed more negative views on the city planning features in the games. “Count me out. Last time I lived in a town planned by Daniel, he kicked me out of the town so he could build a lighthouse next to a pond the size of an elementary schooler’s desk, then called it a ‘public works project’ and asked my friends to fund it.”

With satire, anything is popsicle

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Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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March 11, 2020

Freshman Fails in Search for Crush’s Mysterious Boyfriend Who ‘Doesn’t go here’

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Jacobs said, “If she has a boyfriend, then why does she keep popping up on my roommate’s Tinder?” BY SAUL CHAPLIN

Staff Writer

oel Jacobs, a first year in Muir, reported a disappointing night last Tuesday. “I met this girl at Parks and Rec Trivia Night, and things were going so well. I mean, I could tell she really dug my neon yellow Asics and we were both wearing Lil’ Sebastian T-shirts.” Jacobs continued, “So I asked her out to this upcoming Harry Potter-themed Yule Ball.” According to witnesses, the girl, who “already looked like she was trying to squirrel away from that weird guy,” was shocked. One bystander said, “Her face morphed from surprise to dread — and then it looked like she had a lightbulb moment.” The girl reportedly told Joel, “Sorry, uh,

I, um, have a boyfriend. You know ... it’s a highschool thing, and he doesn’t go here.” “I was disheartened,” Joel Jacobs said in an interview. “I mean, we both quoted “The Office” at the same time - and if that isn’t love at first sight, then I don’t know what is!” And then Jacobs exploded, “I mean, who even is this mysterious boyfriend anyways?! I bet that he wouldn’t take her out to the Yule Ball or even know what a Yule Ball is! I bet he wouldn’t treat her the way that I would.” He then added, “She’d be the Lois to my Peter — you know, from the great American TV show Family Guy?” Jacobs rambled on, observing, “You know, it’s been the same for the other two girls I have asked out at UCSD. Juana during a Dungeons and

Dragons session told me she had a ‘man from highschool’, and Jackie from Triton Halo Club said she was with a ‘guy from back home.’” Jacobs suspected foul play. “I mean, for all three girls to have a boyfriend, who doesn’t even go here? I smelled something fishy.” So Jacobs went home, and spent hours scrolling through the girls’ social media profiles. “And I found nothing — no sign of a boyfriend. I mean, one girl had been tagged by a guy in 2015 during the #20beautifulwomen challenge — but other than that, my search came up empty.” As to the question regarding the existence of these mysterious boyfriends, Jacobs thinks he has the answer. “I think people are just getting

more conservative online. They probably don’t want everyone and their mom asking about the guy on their feed.” But Jacobs seemed unsure of that explanation, and unsure of himself. “I mean, there must be some explanation! These boyfriends must exist somewhere, somehow. There is no way all these girls would just lie to me. I’m the ultimate package — I’m smart, funny, handsome, and have an encyclopedic knowledge of every Neon Genesis Evangelion episode ever.” Jacobs threw his hands down, exasperated, and stormed off, concluding the interview. All that could be heard were the screech of fresh Asics on the Price Center floor.

Florida Crocodiles Sue Croc Brand Footwear Over Trademark Dispute

BY BEANS COX

fter years of dispute, a group of Florida crocodiles is filing a discrimination lawsuit against Crocs Inc. Footwear Brand over the use of the word “Croc.” Spokesgator Sam McSwamp said in an official statement that “the use of the word ‘Croc’ has rich cultural roots to us crocodiles, but it is outdated and bigoted by today’s standards. In the 1900s, ‘Croc’ was a derogatory term used by poachers who killed our ancestral gators and forced us off our precious lands. Because of the disparaging connotations, ‘Croc’ is a word that should belong to us and not some dumb shoe company.” Sam McSwamp’s wife, Sally McSwamp, is also

part of the Anti-Croc Shoe movement. “Not only is it an offensive term, but Croc shoes aren’t even designed for us crocodiles! The shoes don’t fit our large, webbed feet. It seems like the only type of person who can wear these shoes are basic bitches wearing them ironically or 50-year-old men who need easy shoes to slip on to go to their local gas station at 1 a.m. to buy beer. Also, Croc Shoes are so uncomfortable and ugly! They make your feet all sweaty! They aren’t as good as water shoes either! If this company is gonna use my species’ word, they might as well attach it to a product that actually benefits the gator community.” A spokesperson for Crocs Inc., Brett Tegner, does not believe the company is doing anything wrong by using

ALIEN SIGHTED ON CAMPUS Attention UCSD students!

My name is Martin Greenman, a professional alien chaser that’s been in the business for 25 years. According to my super high-tech telescope technology and sky monitors that I have in my van, I have confirmed that there are ALIENS on UCSD’s campus! I’ve been following these guys for years trying to get a glimpse of them, and I finally have the pictures to prove to people that I am not crazy.

Why they are here: 1. They came for the dinosaurs but didn’t realize they’d evolve into birds 2. They came specifically to boo Drake 3. They haven’t seen their relatives in Area 51 in over two centuries 4. Google Earth only gave them one destination 5. They hadn’t heard about how the U.S. government feels about aliens yet 6. They needed to stop by Half-Dome Lounge on Tuesdays from 6-7 p.m. 7. They scheduled their CAPS appointment 30 eons ago and it’s finally their turn 8. They heard UCSD was out of this world

Collection of Evidence

Rock Bear: The alien seemed shocked at how small bears were on our planet.

Lecture Hall: The class was podcasted so the alien was the only one who showed up.

Coffee Shop: The alien seemed disappointed that they didn’t have glorpel fruit syrup.

201 Bus: Alien had to pay $2.25 after his Galaxy X Transmitter ran out of battery and couldn’t show his bus pass.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

The court struggled to find jurors unbiased towards Crocs. Assistant Content Editor

Page 9

the term. “Here at Crocs Inc we understand the historical significance of the word ‘croc’ and the generations of poaching and prosecuting their species has endured. The company apologizes that Florida crocodiles are offended by our use of the word “Croc.” However, in America, it has long been established that white people can say and use whatever disparaging slurs we want, no matter how horrific the historical ties are. That’s what freedom of speech means. Are you a white rapper? Go ahead and use the N-word! Do you want another football team to root for? Then put on your best headdress and go cheer for the Redskins!” The lawsuit is scheduled to take place next month in court, with Judge Algernon

Everton presiding over the case. “I’m not really supposed to talk about the cases I’m gonna review,” said Everton in an interview, “but this one is kinda a no-brainer. When has the court system ever ruled in favor of whiny ‘endangered species’ or ‘marginalized groups,’ until a few decades of oppression have gone by? I’m gonna side with Croc Footwear on this matter, regardless of what case the defense presents. The Supreme Court can hash it out in 2090.” The Anti-Croc Shoe movement plans to hold nationwide rallies to garner support and fundraise. Reports from the DNC have also confirmed that “inter-species relations” will be one of the issues discussed at the next Democratic debate.

Entrance to Geisel: The alien was surprised humans still read instead of downloading information mentally.

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Local STEM School Reforms Anti-Bullying Policy to Focus on Nerd Perpetrators

“They make fun of me because I can’t prove Fermat's Last Theorem,” said Toyle. BY VARSHA VARKHEDI Staff Writer

n an attempt to curb bullying tendencies, an elite STEM high school has made strides to phase out outdated anti-bullying programs and replace them with updated policies. Nancy Turnbull, Principal of North Hill High School and pioneer of the new “AntiAnti-Bullying Program,” gave a recent statement explaining what direction they plan on going. “Our school has had the same annual program where we tackle common bullying tendencies, the bystander effect, and how to properly deal with physical confrontation. However, as complaints of bullying have only escalated, we realized that the tactics we were using were completely outdated. Most of our knowledge had come exclusively from John Hughes movies, and it turns out our big issue was actually with empowered nerds that have gotten way

too confident in themselves. As our school made pushes towards becoming more STEM-focused, we funded more AP classes and electronics clubs and cut funding to PE and sports. Unfortunately, this started giving some kids the idea that nerdy stuff was cool, and it completely turned the social hierarchy upside down.” The "newfound confidence" of “the nerds” hascaused concern for many students with more traditional high school endeavors. Lacrosse player and selfproclaimed bully Nick Toyle expresses his frustration with the social shift: “Yeah, I’m pretty pissed with this new attitude coming from the losers. I had an expectation for high school that I’d be the king because I am the captain of the football team, but I get no respect from anyone. When I try to make fun of anyone, they look at me like I’m stupid. They constantly make fun of my interests, intimidate

me, and make me feel like I don’t belong. It makes me feel small and worthless. No one should feel that way — except for nerds.” When asked to expand on why he feels like this “new breed of dweebs” are not being accommodating of him, Toyle gave a few examples: “For starters, I haven’t eaten in a couple of weeks. Every time I ask for their lunch money, they just laugh at me. And I was a shoo-in for athlete of the year, and it went to some random skinny-ass kid who solved some stupid equations super fast. What a slap in the face to a true jock. I came into school during homecoming week expecting there to be murals of my face everywhere. But nothing. I got a “good luck at the game” from a few people, and that was it. I just feel like I don’t belong. I can’t wait till high school is over, and I’m out in the real world where my strengths will be appreciated.” Henry Park, valedictorian and captain of the quiz

PHOTO BY JAY NOONAN bowl team, offered a different viewpoint of Toyle’s attitude: “I don’t get what the big issue is. Nerds are finally being left alone. Let’s just enjoy it. Nick seems nice, he just doesn’t really fit in with others. Like, he tried to make fun of me for watching anime, which was weird, because, like, who doesn’t watch anime? Look, it’s not like I’m actively going after Toyle. I started my own company in Junior year, and when he threatened me for my lunch money, I had to laugh. If he needs a job, he can just ask.” Park also gave a statement about winning athlete of the year, saying, “Yeah, that was pretty cool. I’ve taken the quiz bowl team to nationals three years in a row. We exercise our minds, so it’s technically not against the rules for me to win. No one's gonna risk CTE and join football. I can’t remember the last time they’ve won.”

Gamers Encouraged to Vote with “Primary Ballot Any-Percent" Speedruns

March 11, 2020

POINT

I Love You BY ANDERSON WHITAKER

Hopeful Romantic

alutations my fair maiden, Prithee, come to me, will you? I shan’t take too much of your time with this proposition of mine, for I understand that time is of utmost importance to you. But still, I must say this: your glimmering eyes, your spring in step, your delicately florid complexion, all of this made me, nay, implored me, to avert my eyes from the tedious BILD 2 lecture onto you. Alas, I admit, butterflies flutter beneath my navel whenever my gaze meets yours. Your radiant hair drifting in the breeze shouts “stop!” to my train of thought. Your delicate bosom, framed by the silhouette of your Lululemon yoga pants, sends a wave of bliss in my chest, arresting the beating of my heart. I understand I will never be deserving of the beauty you exude. You seem well aware of this as you swipe left and

right through your endless list of potential suitors on your cellular device, paying nary an attention to me. Nevertheless, I must make this advance before another suitor sweeps you off your feet, for I refuse to be a forlorn man dreaming about what could have been between us. I love you, my sweet lamb, and I’ve loved you since I first saw you in Week 1. So, from my quivering loins to yours, I ask you this simple question: may I have the honor to be the keyholder to your heart? Or at least the keyholder to your Snapchat, so that we may schedule further times to rendezvous?

COUNTERPOINT ty BY CHRISTINE LEDISH

Political Science Major

ey Andy ... So like, what you said was really nice, and your letter was totally, like, early Shakespearean and I definitely do not know some of the words that you used. I’m for sure flattered that you would go out of your way to write me this letter and have your friend track me outside of my Magagna lecture to give it to me. You even wrote it on that special paper that they sell at that weird art store near Wholefoods, which was cool I guess. I do have to let you know that I am not interested though, and would appreciate it if you left me alone. It’s not really attractive that you openly admitted to staring at my ass, so maybe don’t do that. And, from now on, it would be so amazing if you would stop taking really deep breaths around me because some people are definitely starting to notice and it’s definitely off-putting. The chocolates you put on

my regular seat in BILD are also a nice sentiment, but I’m lactose intolerant and sometimes a different kid takes my seat and thinks I’m the one leaving them for him, so let's not engage in that behavior either in the future. I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings too much. I’m sure you just come off really creepy and stalkerish, but you aren’t as scary when people actually get to know you. It’s just that I’m really not into you and don’t think it’s going to work out. Also, a word of advice; I saw your grade on your BILD 2 midterm and I think instead of averting your eyes, maybe you should focus on the lecture.

TOP TEN

Top 10 Failed Broadway Musicals

Counting issues were later reported due to people clipping through the wrong parts of the ballot. BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT Foreign Correspondent

ith voter turnout expected to be extremely high for the 2020 Democratic primaries, the Democratic National Committee has made a renewed effort to “get out the vote” to every demographic. For this year’s primaries, the DNC has specifically targeted gamer voters in the form of “speedruns.” Typically, speedruns refer to video games, where players will try to complete a game as fast as possible. For their iteration, the DNC has challenged voters to enter their polling place on election day and fill out their ballot as quickly as possible. This real-life speedrun has no prize other than bragging rights, but according to DNC spokesperson Mary Tibbit: “that hasn’t stopped hundreds of voters from filling out sample ballots to practice for what’s expected to be the ‘speediest’ primary season thus far.” In a statement on Friday, the DNC described the rules

for the speedrun, which is currently listed on Speedrun. com, a leaderboard for speedrunning attempts. To complete the speedrun, voters are instructed to enter their polling place and obtain their ballot. After they’ve been designated a voting booth by the polling place volunteers, the timer starts. Once voters have finished filling out their ballot, they need to run back to the volunteers and turn in their ballot. The timer is stopped once the ballot is collected. This rule was set to ensure equity among speedrunners, as smaller polling stations were deemed to be too much of an advantage to rural voters. Currently, the only category being run is “Primary Ballot Any-Percent,” with hopes that increased turnout due to the speedrunning will lead to a “General Election Any-Percent” Speedrun. Controversy has already arisen in the few days since the competition had been announced. Some gamers have complained that polling sta-

tions with electronic voting machines provide an unfair advantage over polling stations that only have paper ballots. They argue that pressing buttons is much faster than filling out bubbles, which, according to speedrunning veterans, “shave precious seconds off an already incredibly precise run.” Beyond this, many are complaining that the current category of “AnyPercent” implies that any amount of the ballot could be filled out or left blank before being submitted, potentially allowing dozens of seconds or even minutes to be saved. This has resulted in calls for the DNC to replace “AnyPercent” with “100 Percent,” where voters would have to fill out 100 percent of their ballot before submitting it. The DNC has dismissed these concerns, stating that the democratic right to undermine democracy “must be upheld.” Despite the complaints, voter turnout suggests the DNC’s gamble has paid off. Turnout in New Hampshire’s

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Democratic Primary was record-breaking, with more than 300,000 ballots cast. With hundreds of thousands of ballots waiting to be cast across the nation, some Democratic hopefuls are telling youth voters that they “gotta go fast.” As of now, the world record is held by Robin Lee, a 22-yearold gamer from South Carolina who reportedly used an advanced sliding technique to stop exactly at the booth before filling out his choice for president and returning his ballot with a “jump, throw, and excellent catch” by the polling volunteer. This took Lee 23.7 seconds, but Lee is determined to get it lower next election season. “I’m just disappointed I can only vote once,” Lee reflected. “Obviously politics aren’t a game, and these decisions could have real-life consequences for months, years, or even generations to come. But if I have to commit voter fraud to shave a couple of seconds off of my time, then I’ll do what I have to.”

10. The Phantom of the Rave 9. Daddy Mia! 8. Sweeney Todd: The Barber That Gave a White Girl Cornrows 7. Annie Get Your Senator and Protect Your Second Amendment Rights 6. Honey, I Shrunk My Dick 5. Vanilla Boots 4. Joseph Smith: Superstar 3. Bromeo and Juul-iette 2. The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee 2: The 26th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee 1. Gay Miserables

We’re not about quantity or quality

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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March 11, 2020

Area Lesbian “Surprisingly Good at Flirting with Men,” Calls it “Basic Human Kindness”

Page 11

EDITORIAL

If the Ice Caps are Melting, Can’t We Just Make More?

BY JANET HOLMES

E “She plays for the other team?” said Vickers. “I love a girl who plays sports!” BY BEANS COX

Assistant Content Editor

hen UCSD student Cleo Thomas announced she was a lesbian to her MGT16 class, an “audible gasp” could be heard from her shocked classmates. Throughout the quarter, Thomas was reportedly engaged in provocative behaviors which led the male members of her class to believe she was flirting with them. “I was shocked to hear Cleo was a lesbian. I thought, ‘there’s no way that chick likes chicks,’ because she’s been flirting with me all quarter,” said Hunter Crow, Thomas’ classmate. “She once gave me a pen when mine ran out of ink, and she also told me good morning more than once.” Another classmate,

Vince Vickers, said, “There’s no way Cleo is gay. She’s been giving me positive signals from the moment I met her. No one wants my number ‘just for group projects.’” A third classmate, John McCool, was confused about terminology, asking, “Lesbian? I thought that just meant you were really into theatre. I’m not sure, but one thing I am sure about is that Cleo definitely wants my dick.” Thomas claims she had no idea her signals were being so misinterpreted. “I feel bad so many guys thought I was flirting with them, but I was honestly just trying to be, like, a decent person.” MGT 16 is a class that centers around group-based work and discussion. During such group-oriented activities, Thomas reportedly laughed at her male classmates’

jokes, smiled and greeted others when they walked into the classroom, and seemed to care about other people’s general well-being. “I’m so confused,” said Crow, cradling the pen Thomas gave him in his hands. “Girls don’t act like that unless they want you to fuck them.” Even girls in Thomas’s class were reportedly confused by her behavior. Classmate Katie Evans said, “I actually admired Cleo at first because she was just so good at flirting with guys. Whenever she showed up to class, I was like ‘whoa,’ because, like, she totally knew how to get guys to crush on her. Then she said she was a lesbian, and I was like, ‘Woah, I didn’t know lesbians could be so good at flirting with men.’ Then I thought ‘Woah, maybe I should become lesbian like Cleo did, so I would be better

PHOTO BY JACK YANG at getting guys.’” Male members of the class have issued a complaint to the TA demanding Thomas to issue a formal apology to the class. “What am I supposed to be sorry for?” questioned Thomas. “Do they want me to apologize for displaying basic human kindness? Women shouldn’t limit their own kindness because of how men might interpret it. Good manners aren’t a green light.” Vince Vickers refuted Thomas’ reasoning, saying “Women shouldn’t be nice to a guy unless they are interested in them.” He goes on to add, “After all, how are guys supposed to know who wants to sleep with them if every single girl acts nice to us?” In response to Vickers, Thomas said, “When guys act like this, it makes me so thankful I’m a lesbian.”

STRAIGHT FROM OUR BRIEFCASE STUDY FINDS THIS ARTICLE "IS NOT NICHE, IT’S JUST NOT FUNNY”

MAN FROM BAY AREA HAS INEXPLICABLE SOUTHERN ACCENT; EXPERTS PERPLEXED

A recent study of this article found that while the author may claim it to be “niche,” it actually “just lacks jokes and any semblance of the relatability needed to create humor.” Baxter Washington, a scientist involved in the study, said of this article “I don’t see why the author is trying to pass off this article as fitting in a niche that’s so small that only he understands it. At that point, you’re just embarrassing yourself. It’s full of self-referential bullshit, and anyone who reads it will certainly not find themselves wanting to do the hours of background research we did to even begin to comprehend what’s going on.” Washington went on to say, “This article is what happens when an author chooses to write for an audience of one: themselves. It serves no purpose, and the English language canon would not suffer in any manner if this piece were stricken from the face of the Earth. Honestly, we would have all been better off if the author had gone with his original idea, a truly niche discussion of the mechanisms behind comedy.”

A man from the Bay Area has caused mass confusion due to his inexplicable Southern accent. “Sometimes if I’m getting a haircut the barber will ask where I’m from, and I just say North Carolina ‘cause it’s easier.” The accent causes chronic predicaments for Max Acceptable, who when asked about the confusion, says, “It’s fine.” When asked about his unique drawl, Acceptable’s parents were unable to explain its origin. “Our son was born and raised in San Francisco! We’re from the South, but we’ve never even taken Max east of Nevada,” says Acceptable’s mother. His parents have spent hundreds of dollars on speech therapy, but Acceptable’s accent has only grown stronger. “The most Southern thing we did at home was eat barbeque sometimes,” says Acceptable’s father. Experts in accent manifestation were unable to identify the origin of Acceptable’s drawl. “He uses phrases and intonation common in the South, but nothing about him is Southern,” they say. They’ve documented similar cases, including “wannabe English accents,” but report that “no other cases have been as persistent as Max’s.” When asked for further comment, Acceptable’s only response was, “Roll Tide.”

AREA STUDENT CLAIMS HE WOKE UP AS A POKEMON Last week, local student Daniel Mennow purchased the latest Pokemon video game Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Rescue Team DX. Since then, Daniel has been absent from “every single responsibility and duty he normally has to do.” Daniel’s roommate Chris explained, “Normally Daniel’s on top of his household chores, he’s great about cleaning his dishes, taking out the trash, and walking the dog. But since he got that damn game, he’s been enclosed in his room, only coming out for the rare bowl of water. And I only hear him squeal and growl ‘Cyndaquil no!’ and ‘Goddamnit, not another seed!’ very late at night.” Mennow’s partner also voiced some concern. “Daniel’s been acting up, he hasn’t been answering my messages. We were supposed to go see the new Disney movie this weekend, ‘Onward,’ and he stood me up! He better hope he doesn’t run into me because he’ll be in big trouble.” Most recently, Mennow has been “grinding the postgame hella hard.” Witnesses have confirmed that this is in a major push to complete the game 100% before the new Animal Crossing game comes out next week. “I’m excited man. I’ll get to stop fighting with a fake water penguin, and instead exchange casual small talk with a different penguin.”

KRATT BROTHERS TO REBOOT “ZOBOOMAFOO” USING ORIGINAL ACTORS PBS has announced the return of “Zoboomafoo” with new episodes and an updated content style to appeal to the ‘online’ generation of kids. Paula A. Kerger, the CEO of PBS, released a press statement on Tuesday: “Millennial parents! We’ve brought back a classic show from your childhood and revamped it for your children to enjoy! To show our dedication to the ‘Zoboomafoo’ fanbase, we’re rehiring all of the original actors.” Martin Kratt, co-host of ‘Zoboomafoo,’ said, “My brother and I are glad to be back on children’s entertainment in the new digital age. We don’t move like we used to, and everything aches, so we’re probably gonna not gonna do the falling into the swimming pool gags or any of the extreme sports that we did 20 years ago. We’ll mostly be focusing on the subtle beauty of calmly watching animals from our cushioned seats, so we don’t upset our backs getting up and down and all that.” Jovian, the lemur who played Zaboo, will also make a return. The lemur that passed away in 2014, will apparently be exhumed from his burial place and placed upon a motorized zipline track, to simulate the jumping of a live lemur.

Business major and amateur Climatologist

veryone nowadays is complaining about the ice caps melting without doing anything about it, but the solution is actually so simple that I can’t believe no one’s thought of it before! Everyone’s got a freezer in their house, right? What if we all just take our ice and dump it into the ocean? I played a prank on our cleaning staff once by dumping all of the ice in my mansion’s numerous freezers into the family spa. The pool boy said it took three days for the water to warm up again! If everyone worked together and dumped their ice, I bet the ocean would stay cold for even longer. There’s what, like, 12 billion people at this point or something? And who doesn’t have a freezer or 10 in their house? It’s cheap and easy — plus, the ocean is everywhere! Sure, not everyone is lucky enough to live on the beach like me, but who can’t afford to just drive a couple hundred miles to get to the closest ocean? What could possibly be more important than saving the ocean? So what if they’re burning gas to

do it? I think it’s not actually that bad; we’ve been doing it for decades and according to reputable news sources like Fox Business, nothing bad has happened yet. Here’s the plan: the ice will fill up the ocean and get pushed north by the current. Then it’ll attach itself to the big chunk of ice up in the North Pole, saving Miami Beach, my hometown, while also keeping the penguins and polar bears happy. Sometimes I wonder why people even bother majoring in this stuff if it’s so easy to fix the problem. It’s a good thing there’s people like me around who can fix even nuanced, complex problems in a cheap, time-efficient way. When I posted my idea online, people laughed and said that isn’t how currents work and that the ice wouldn’t stay frozen. I don’t know what they’re talking about! I’m in New England visiting my winter estate in New Hampshire, and the current always moves north. Plus it’s already super cold! I think they’re just jealous they didn’t think of it first. Someone said it was even dangerous to animals that are already in the warm water, which doesn’t make sense at all. Aren’t those animals basically slowly boiling to death? This will be a good break! And isn’t cold water supposed to have more nutrients and be more productive? That sounds like a good thing to me. All the haters probably just want my fame without putting in their own common sense to come up with their own solution.

TOP TEN

Top 10 Reasons Pluto is Making a Comeback 10. Pluto’s going to fight Mercury when its in it's next retrograde 9. It’s far away from Earth, where all the problems are 8. Because Elon Musk said so 7. People didn’t realize what they had until it was gone 6. It’s been 248 years 5. NASA+ just released a new series of merchandise featuring Baby Pluto 4. There’s increased demand for plutonium 3. Gru already stole the moon, and Dreamworks needed another cash cow 2. Pluto’s been hitting the gym and is almost planet-sized 1. It’s proving that size doesn’t matter

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Page 12

March 11, 2020

Anatomy of the Apathetic Do you hate how some people care so little about politics? Do you interact with people who “just can’t even” with everything in life? After extensive research, we’ve narrowed down the specifics of what makes up an apathetic person. Take a look, if you care.

Diagram of a Person who Doesn’t Care Straw: It might be wasteful but it makes it easier to drink.

Partially-dyed hair: The instructions from the dye box got really complicated and you gave up.

Watered down Grubhub coffee: Picked it up 2 hours late, but at least the baristas didn’t toss it.

3-foot-long hair: Supercuts is a whopping 10 minute drive away.

An “I Didn’t Vote” sticker: People keep saying everyone’s voices matter, but no one asks why they matter.

Stained shirt: The mustard stain adds character. Also, who has time to do laundry anyways?

I meant to save MMW for my last year.

It doesn’t matter, the lecture is podcasted.

Untied shoes: Bending over takes so much effort, and it’s not like the shoes would fall off anyway.

I have no idea how many dining dollars I have left.

Things They Secretly Care About

The Talking Tree: At night, it’s actually low-key scary.

The Bachelor Spoilers: They say they don’t care about the show, but they just want Peter to be happy.

Snakes: Their parents got them one after they told them that they didn’t care about which pet they got. Turns out, they cared a little bit after all.

Why do you have to make this political?

I don’t really need a tetanus shot.

Things They Do When They Don’t Care

They never use soap because it dries out their hands. Instead they use moisturizer.

They post on their TikTok account that they “never use.”

They go to the gym to do one bicep curl for “health” before leaving.