The MQ Volume 26 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 5, 2020

“Every time I’ve seen anything attractive and naked, it’s gone very poorly.”

-Tiger Woods, Professional Golfer Volume XXVI Issue IV

Now printed on delicious soy-based ink. Have a taste.

Valentine’s Day Goes Paperless to Appeal to “Those Whiny Kids”

In This issue sio Creates First HumanWhale Hybrid

2

VEGAN WOMAN HASN’T EATEN IN 30 YEARS

4

Phil E. Buster’s KIDS MENU

6,7

DISNEY CONFIRMS ELSA IS NOT LESBIAN, BUT SVEN IS A FURRY

9

TRUMP ANNOUNCES PLAN TO LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION

11

News in Brief PHOTO By silver wallace

Kids lauded the move as a “true act of love” toward the Earth.

By Ram Sivapalan

I

Assistant Copy Editor

n a bid to reconcile outdated courting practices, major Valentine’s card companies have pledged to go paperless for 2020. Mike Perry, CEO of Hallmark and spokesperson for the initiative, said in a recent press interview: “You know, I understand ‘Generation Z’ kids about as much as the next guy, but I do think it’s time we take this step forward.” In lieu of traditional paper cards, Hallmark will be making available their own customized set of “woke” seasonal emojis and text message animations for download.

This rollout comes as card sales projections were found to be especially low this season in light of the ongoing Australian fire crisis.

“I think there’s a lot to be said for a move like this,” says Ava Bausch, local housewife and self-professed child psychologist. “Kids have be-

come so conscious lately, I’m really starting to feel my age!

I remember being young and always finding something to be upset about; I always say those were the glory days … Now if there’s one thing us middleaged housewives are known for, it’s not getting upset about trivial things. Whining about everything — that’s something only those ‘Gen Z’ kids do.”

Pew Research finds that five out of six adults are unfamiliar with how their kids socialize, with expectations that this statistic will increase in the coming years. NPR social media correspondent Yuki Noguchi shared: “It’s really a nightmare, this back and forth between generations. Every time I think the technological gap is closing, all I have to do is quickly scroll through conversations with my mom and count all the misplaced emojis poking out among the short blurbs of text. It’s a hell of a

social phenomenon.”

Some parents have expressed concerns over moving away from paper valentines. Joe Manson, an advocate for what has been coined the “Reach our Kids” movement, said, “I mean I might even say it’s sacrilege, what they’re doing here! You’re telling me I don’t know how my daughter is getting along at school, that she wouldn’t want to be popular with these goddamn teachers telling her what she thinks she knows. By god, I ought to write someone about this!”

While smaller greeting card companies grapple with profit margins, contemporary sociologists have taken the opportunity to revisit what a valentine means. “Now that we’ve lost the human aspect of actually exchanging these tokens of affection, it begs to question: how did this practice come to be and what broader social forces facilitated or

continue to facilitate it?” asked Dr. David Welsh, professor of sociology at Yale University, in a recent essay on modern romantic relations.

Selma Bannor, sixth-grade class president, offered this nod: “If I want someone to like me, I just text them. It’s that simple really. I used to say ‘save the trees’ and thought one day it would matter, but now we kids really have been heard.

And I mean, who even cares about cards anymore? It was always the candy that mattered.

I get my ego boost from Instagram likes anyways.”

The Bannors could not be reached for comment, but local neighbors chimed that “Selma has never been more than an arm away from an iPad, since before she could crawl even!” Hallmark recently endorsed Selma as a junior brand ambassador to the new “Paperless Hallmark.”

Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII

Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”

By Shantelle Brooks

O

Staff Writer

n Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper tweeted that ‘mouse and keyboard’ controls would be prohibited in a potential conflict with Iran. Mouse and keyboard control schemes are often used in PC gaming, popular amongst those in Gen-

eration Z. Now many young recruits have brought up complaints with military leadership regarding their transition from competitive e-sports to real weapons. These complaints include “little to no compatibility” with the new technology, “reducing frame-rate of reality,” and not being allowed to “overclock” their weaponry.

Local man proposes Fiance “eggstatic”

While the US Armed Forces has not yet released an official statement on the matter, many legal experts agree it has violated Article 1337 of the Geneva Convention, which states “no military may implement mouse and keyboard in a ‘controller only’ tournament.”

As tensions between America and Iran increase, fear

PHOTO By Jack Yang

over another international war has caused widespread unease in the public. The US Armed Forces, preparing for a potential oncoming battle, is welcoming many young and new soldiers using methods that appeal to younger genera-

See Soldiers page 2

New sex ed curriculum tries appealing to teens Teaches them about the “birds and the bees”

Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster

Justin Flannigan, a thirdyear Computer Science major, stopped production on his application FaceIt that unedits faces on Instagram.

“I thought that a lot of people would want to know who they are actually meeting on dating apps, as well as people wanting to see the true faces of the models of whose DMs they slide in. Why not make an app that shows people exactly who they are meeting, and BAM! I found my application idea.”

Flannigan started Project FaceIt during the middle of Winter quarter. His production team consisted

of two CS majors and a Literature major “for advertising.” When asked why he was stopping production without finishing the actual application, Flannigan told reporters “between all my classes, 20 units this quarter alone, my newspaper, my startup, and applying for summer internships, this application takes too much of my time. Honestly, I was never really passionate about designing FaceIt, I was just doing it for the flex. It was only for my resume, but I can let it go now since I’m already on Google’s radar.”

Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018

In radical recognition of the diversity of white talent in the modern film industry, the Academy award for Best Actor in a Feature Film was awarded to Adam Driver. According to the Academy, his compelling performance as a depressed white male divorceé portrayed a struggle that audiences had never confronted before on the big screen.

“This represents a victory for white men everywhere,” reported a spokesperson for the Academy. “It will open doors for other white male directors and actors to sweep awards shows, as their colleagues feign to be impressed by their ‘woke’

speeches. Hopefully this will serve as a turning point in the industry for Hollywood to diversify the narratives it upholds. Through Adam Driver’s performance and performances like it, audiences will become more aware of the tribulations that white men face on a daily basis. With luck, the Academy will shift to recognize multidimensional, introspective white men and their underrated achievements.”

In his acceptance speech, Driver thanked the Academy. “I couldn’t be standing here today without the love and support of my friends and family, or my privilege.”

University of California Sponsors Next Season of The Bachelor to Decide Next UC President Following UC President Janet Napolitano’s plans of resignation from her position in 2020, the Regents of the University of California have confirmed that they will be sponsoring the next season of “The Bachelor” to determine the next UC President. In a public statement, the UC Regents announced that they believe funding the reality show “The Bachelor” is a good way for the UC system to find its next leader, and is the “best use of California’s taxpayer dollars.” Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffet, and Bill Gates are currently confirmed contestants for this special

season of “The Bachelor.”

“The Regents of the UC system understand the importance of maintaining quality public universities that are affordable for all Californians,” shared UC Regent Richard Blum. “While funding ‘The Bachelor’ cost the system 500 million dollars, we felt good about pouring this much money into finding a new president, because they have such a large impact on the lives of all our students. Also, what else are we supposed to do with $500 million dollars? Update our undergraduate facilities or make the UC system more affordable for lower income students? That’s just crazy.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

February 5, 2020

Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans

One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”

By Steven Zhou

Content Editor r. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that SIO has successfully bred the first hybrid human-whale organism. According to the institution, this has been an ongoing project since 2003 at the request of former president George W. Bush, who was reportedly concerned his leniency to oil companies would cause harm to the environment. Inside his Texan house with the thermostat set to 65 degrees, President Bush commented that he was “proud of funding this project because, as we can see today, there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop the world from warming. Yup. Literally zilch. Carbon taxing, reliance on renewable energy, changing our dietary habits, reducing water waste, avoiding deforestation, creating

D

sustainable transportation, are all just unrealistic halfsolutions brought to you by idealistic liberals.”

In a public statement given by Birch Aquarium, where the human-whale hybrid currently resides, Lienen shared: “Through the hard work of our biologists and breakthroughs in CRISPR technology, we were able to splice in large segments of human DNA into the DNA of a beluga whale.” While the hybrid organism is not yet available for viewing by the public, invited sources report that it has the facial features and feet of a human, the body of a cetacean, and the swimming skills of “a desperate crab being boiled alive.” Sources also noted that the hybrid’s face looked “shockingly similar to Ted Cruz.” Leaked photos circulating online appear to confirm these observations.

Public response to the

news has been overwhelmingly negative. A poll from Gallup shows that 83 percent of responders did not want such a program to continue.

Patricia Evans from Montgomery, Alabama commented that “this thing they’ve created is an abomination against God! And for what? Some fairy-tale theory that the world is going to burn? First they change my normal light bulbs to those shitty, blue fluorescent ones, then they create them useless paper straws that dissolve in my mouth when I drink a coke.

I’m telling you, global warming could be reversed if this country just had a little more faith in Jesus.”

Ella Polanski from San Francisco, California expressed similar discomfort with SIO’s creation of the hybrid human-whale. “It feels like even the scientists have given up on trying to solve global warming with real solutions. We don’t need these

continued from page 1:

Soldiers

tions, such as releasing an official video game series “America’s Army.” However, this approach may be backfiring as many who have enlisted complain that they had joined “under false ideals on the military experience,” particularly those who enlisted into the Marines, where newly enlisted soldiers have been striking due to “unfair gameplay.”

Dissatisfaction is reportedly widespread amongst the newest wave of recruits, the majority of which range in ages 18 to 23. Many have reflected the opinion of Kyle Vargas, a 19 year-old Private First Class from Wichita, Kansas. “I have no idea who Geneva even is and why should we care about their convention?” shared Vargas, while on a short vacation home.

“I knew going into the army was a commitment, and it takes hard work, but I don’t appreciate how they make us use our minds and bodies on the field to the point where it feels like I really could die IRL.” Vargas recalled that one soldier, who had enlisted fresh out of high school, stated that he had “over a 3.0 K/D on Call of Duty, and for my First Sergeant to tell me that

it means nothing really hurt me, ‘cause, like, that was my calling for me to join.”

In response to the aggravation from soldiers over the policy change, higher-ranking military officials have had to take drastic disciplinary measures in an attempt to control the younger generation of troops. “There have been many occasions where cadets were showing up to training in formal suits, animal suits, camping clothes, along with headsets and whatever. When asked about it, they would claim that it was their ‘skin.’ I didn’t get it, so my whole division now are unable to possess civilian clothing and Halloween is cancelled,” said Second Lieutenant Michael Harris, an instructor at Carson Long Military Academy. Another official, who chose to speak anonymously, responded to the change directly: “Video games are not an accurate representation of military operations, but these kids were acting so weird that Secretary Esper had to say something. Hopefully his statement will help them out when we ship ‘em off to Iraq for another 20 years.”

PHOTO By Jack Yang human-whale monsters. What we need is everyone to go buy a $40 water bottle, a $20 reusable straw, and this $120 pair of shoes I found on Instagram made out of 10% recycled materials. Maybe we could raise gas prices so people will be forced to either switch to a Tesla or not have a car. If we just keep buying new, sustainable things and replacing them when something better comes around, we wouldn’t even need to become whales in the first place.”

Despite the backlash, Lienen has confirmed SIO will continue to improve their human-whale hybrid organism, with SIO’s next goal being to create a hybrid that also has hominid hands so the hybrid can physically grab plastic pollution in the ocean and throw it away on shore.

With a sigh of exasperation, Lienen added: “Maybe we’ll try to make them a bit smarter than us too.”

PHOTO By Ram sivapalan, hanaa moosavi, and bri arce “La influenza mas fina”

Editor-in-Chief..............................Jay Noonan Managing Editor......................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor............................Steven Zhou Content Editor.......................Dexter Hamilton Assistant Content Editor..... Aniela Drumonde Assistant Content Editor...............Beans Cox Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn Assistant Design Editor.....................Bri Arce

Graphics Editor..............................Jack Yang Assistant Graphics Editor........... Sharon Roth

Social/Publicity Chair..............Andrew Sitko Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez Assitant Copy Editor............ Ram Sivapalan Web Editor................................... Jerry Wu Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Foreign Correspondent.......Stephen Lightfoot

MQ Fairy Godmother...................Sage Cristal MQ Trophy Husband......David Vereau-Gorbitz MQ Bumbling Dad..........................Chris Jin MQ Indecisive Relative...................Jessica Ma Muir Advisor............................ Claudia Pena

Staff Members

On the lookout for cutting edge satire

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Hello MQ! This has been a great production and I just want to say how proud I am of all of our new editors taking on their new roles. Everyone’s been working so hard and I think it really shows in the awesome content that we’re putting out. Even though there’s been a lot of change recently, I think we’ve really rolled with it and adapted. I’d also like to welcome Claudia, our new advisor. We really look forward to working with you in the future!

-Jay

Adriana Aguilar Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Isaac Canada Jade Coniglio Ethan Coston Melina Cruz Avika Dhillon Tiffany Hamilton

Gabrielle Hart Rowan HernandezCosme Crystal Hsu Andrew Keller Daniel Kupor Jina Lee Haana Leung Matthew Miltimore Keshav Mittal

Hanaa Moosavi Chester Ni Elizabeth Niculescu Kaz Nuckowski Avaneesh Pentaparthy Robert Renfro Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah Gage Tanzman

Vanessa Tian Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Varsha Varkhedi Benjamin Velasco Silver Wallace Kate Zegans

Booster Club There are four days of MQ Production // And Sunday comes along just to end it So the biquarterly problem for our generous members // Is finding a good way to spend it Like maybe Bringing watermelon (Jerry) or buying some sodas (Natalia) // Or spending all your dining dollars (Aniela, Beans, Kaz) Discovering Trader Joe’s chocolate covered bananas (David) // Or girl scout cookies, which were pretty baller (Bri) Bringing the beat/beet (Sage) // Creating pound cake (Haana) Or locating where we left the Oreos (They’re over here!)

Finding more Oreos, buying more Oreos // And eating more and more Oreos!

As you can see, there’s a whole lot of stuff to eat // Before week 5 starts this week So stick with us ‘cause The MQ is gonna do it all // So stick with us ‘cause The MQ is gonna do it all (Mom! Dan is making a Booster Club!)

theMQ.org

February 5, 2020

Child Politician Criticized for Inconsistency After Position on Favorite Color Changes

Page 3

EDITORIAL

Look Who’s Pissing Me Off Again

By Man of Wasabi

I

PHOTO By Jack Yang

Wilson responded to critics: “What can I say? I don’t see color.”

By Dan Kaliblotzky

F

Managing Editor

ive year-old politician Desmond Wilson recently stated that his favorite color is red in a presentation to his kindergarten class, contradicting a report from last October stating that it was orange. The new information was revealed during a set of “My Favorite Color” lectures for Mrs. Watson’s class at Washington Jefferson Elementary School. The incumbent Line Leader, five year-old Michelle W, commented on Wilson’s position: “He said his favorite color was orange when he brought his jack-olantern for show and tell for Halloween, and now it’s red? I don’t know, man. My favorite color is green, and it’s been that way for as long as I can remember, since, like, my fourth birthday. My cake had Tiana on it and she was wearing a green dress and the frosting was also green and it was really pretty so I decided my

favorite color was green, too.”

The position of Line Leader involves carrying a brightly colored sign with Mrs. Watson’s classroom number at the front of the line during fire drills. Michelle W’s term was characterized by her “Straightest Lines in the Skool” ad campaigns, school-renowned backwards walking technique, and policy changes like Starbursts for the winner of the Silent Game.

Wilson is currently contesting Michelle W for Line Leader in the coming class council, among other candidates such as five year-old Timmy J, five year-old Sierra L, and fiveand-a-quarter year-old Tom H. “This is turning out to be a particularly competitive trimester,” said class political analyst Alex K. “Desmond W was absolutely leading the polls last week, and now it seems Sierra L has taken the lead. But you can never really trust these playground polls.

There are a lot of silent voters that hang out over near

the wall ball courts, and they tend to vote more progressive. There have been rumors that Principal Higgins is buying more color ink, and we all know how the wall ball kids feel about other people wasting the scarlet paint during art time, so Desmond W might just be the change they’ve been looking for.”

Some classmates now state less confidence in Wilson. “Changing your favorite color this late in the game is a bold move,” said Timmy J. “If I could refresh your memory, it was just last trimester that he was vilifying Michelle W for changing her favorite color from violet to lavender. Those colors are both basically just purple, but the smear campaign he led probably cost her the Paper Passer position.”

Paper Passer Tom H is Desmond W’s best friend of six months, and is stalwartly defending his choice to endorse Desmond W. “Listen, I know he’s not the most con-

sistent. I’ll admit it, but it’s better than voting for one of Demi C’s friends. She wants to make it okay for Trash Monitors to still get their week’s gold star sticker after a sick day, but this classroom would fall apart if we elect any of those lazy socialists.”

Mrs. Watson has expressed that she is pleased by the kindergarteners’ level of enthusiasm in the elections. “They’re so passionate! This class makes teaching so rewarding for me. I love watching them have such cute little debates between friends. And our line leading has never been better!

Kindergarten classes show the highest voter turnout of any grade level in the school.”

Fourth grade teachers report that class elections stop being popular after the US government unit of social studies. Fifth grader Julia Reyez explained the students’ perspective. “Why should I care about elections?

My vote doesn’t matter.”

Local Coffeeshop Announces “12 Months of Christmas” Promotion

One mall Santa commented: “I’ve never had so much job security in my life.”

By Jay Noonan

Editor-In-Chief ast week, local coffeeshop “Rise ‘n Grind” announced a new holiday promotion. Taking the 12 Days of Christmas promotions offered at some locations one step further, the company announced its plan to begin the “12 Months of Christmas.”

Despite being February, the shop is fully decked out in green and red and full of holiday cheer, though some of the workers “seem less cheerful” according to regular customers.

One such worker, barista Sarah Angelo, made her reservations about the new celebrations known. “We finally

L

made it through the chaos of the holidays and now the company’s thrusting us back in with no break! I mean it, the last time I had a day off was June of last year and that’s only because our AC unit broke and customers complained.

This absurd new promotion means we’re going to have to be able to make all of our holiday drinks all the time. Do you know how obnoxious that’s going to get? If I have to make one more pumpkin spice latte or cranberry whatever, I’m seriously going to lose it.

Don’t get me started about the Christmas music. All I want for Christmas is to hear any other damn song.”

The store made the transition to the extended

holiday schedule a week ago and already reports a massive increase in business. General Manager Eric Monet gave his insight into the financial success of the move: “It’s genius really. Everyone goes crazy for seasonal drinks, so they’ve been flooding into the store. The line’s been wrapping all the way around the block basically every day.

The Starbucks across the street won’t be able to compete much longer since all of their pumpkin spice fanatics are picking us instead now. We’ve had to increase hours to keep up with it all, our baristas are all putting in an extra shift of overtime every day so we can open at 3 a.m. Someone’s gotta do

PHOTO By sharon roth it, sometimes people want coffee really early. But don’t worry, we’re making it up to them. This year everyone’s Christmas bonus is a voucher for a free drip coffee — off the clock, of course. We’ve got to save the espresso for the moneybags — I mean customers.”

The mixed responses keep coming in, but other stores may soon follow their lead. Walmart and CVS have already stocked up on Christmas decorations and apparel, signaling a possible shift in the same direction.

One manager was heard saying “after all, it’s never too early for Christmas, right?”

Disillusioned Film Critic

t’s that time of the year again.

Yes people, the biggest brains of Hollywood have come together to completely fuck over all content made by people of color and women alike. If you haven’t seen the nominations yet, do yourself a favor and pull out your iPhone and look them up. If you find yourself outside the hotbed of “working” school wifi, turn that data on and educate yourself. You might not agree with me on these matters, but of course, my opinion is the one that got printed, so just read it.

Beginning this Oscar’s review, I’m starting with Best Picture. I’m not mad at the Best Picture nominations; quite frankly, I can’t think of any other films I would put in the category. Oh wait, I thought of one: “Queen and Slim” definitely deserved a spot on that nomination list. The provocative nature and stylish execution of the film should have made its worthiness obvious. I mean, we haven’t seen a storyline like it in the history of the business, making it original content and worthy of praise.

But we all know why it didn’t get the recognition. Whoops.

If the Academy cared, I suggest taking the Irishman out for a replacement film that relies on the “cool” fact that its three hours long and hosts many big names who wanted to remember what they looked like when they were 50 instead of 80. Even all of that fails to distract from its insanely bored plot and

mundane points. Joker, although it resonates with the incel community to a T, is a good stab at the Best Picture title so there you go. I’m not even gunna mention “Us” because I will just get too angry.

I don’t feel like I need to drag any other film into this, so let’s move on.

Although the nominations for actors are important and deserve a piece in this article, I have to skip and talk about the nominations for Best Director.

What does it take? What does it take for someone to be nominated for best director, because it’s obvious that I don’t have any idea. It’s apparent in this round of nominations that the Academy doesn’t believe that Greta Gerwig is a person? Taika Waititi — although landing his film with six nominations — is a Marvel man and thus, not worthy in the Academy eyes.

And boy, do they love sticking Tarantino in the running and burning his dreams alive with the loss.

Let’s now take a look at those actors, shall we? Antonio Banderas, a man we have cherished since the Spy Kids franchise took off, has made his way to a nomination. With the moves he had in Joker, it’s no surprise that Joaquin has also taken a nom’. Adam Driver, although he cannot punch a wall properly, certainly yelled his way to this nom’. Our man DiCaprio has come back for his fifth nom’, and I did not watch Two Popes, so good job Jonathan Pryce.

Our women for Leading Actress include Cynthia Erivo, who delivered a wonderful representation of Harriet Tubman, and blonde-haired women number one through four. I mean, in all seriousness, Saoirse is a lady after my own heart, and Scarlett screamed just as loudly as Driver so she has to be on this list. And I guess, like my pal Jonathan, good job Charlize and Renee.

And with this, I am tired of being provocative. Peace.

TOP Ten

Things You Can Tell a Politician That You Can’t Say to Your Significant Other 10. We need to establish some term limits 9. I’m just feeling very independent right now 8. Stop turning everything into a war 7. You’re way prettier than the last 45 6. You just look so natural kissing a baby 5. You need to convince me a little more 4. You’re only here because I got outvoted 3. My parents like you, but I’m not sure yet 2. I think I want to be with you, but I want to see what happens in Iowa first 1. Can I see your tax returns?

Do or donut, there is no try

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 4

theMQ.org

Vegan Woman Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Years

February 5, 2020

POINT

Australia’s Fires are Tragic but We Can All Help

By Angela DaviDs Woke Student

I

PHOTO By sharon roth Schwartz has offered readers the code “STARVAT10N” for 10% off her nutrient supplement product line.

By Melina Cruz Staff Writer

R

ebecca Shwartz, a 48-year-old resident of Clairemont, San Diego, has established a lifestyle she calls “the true human experience”. She has reportedly gone 30 years without eating, sticking exclusively to water and nutrient pills.

“I was a freshman in college when I learned about the vegan lifestyle,” Shwartz explained. “I thought, oh my god, this is so important. But even after three weeks of eating just salads, I still felt really bad. My friends said it was because of the salad and the fact they only ever consisted of grass clippings, but I realized I felt bad because I was still eating something that lived! Grass is life! Plants feel and experience pain too.

So I realized I shouldn’t eat anything. Instead, I thrive on

natural nutrients and water, the way a human should.”

Shwartz calls her dietary habits “the most sustainable lifestyle,” claiming to have saved thousands of dollars by not buying food. Instead of going to the grocery store every Sunday, she’s become a regular at the nearby pill supplement shop. “I tell my children how my days are just poppin’ pills and being fly, you know, to relate to them,” she says. “They don’t seem to like that saying but I think it sums up my life pretty well.”

Within the last two years, Shwartz established her own company Slurp! to spread her version of vegan lifestyle to other people. Aside from supplement products, Slurp! sells “Plants have feelings too” t-shirts with a detachable coupon for their first round of nutrient supplements. Profit reports state that her business only has

one purchase: from herself for her two teenage sons.

“I don’t understand how she does it. And I don’t mean that in an inspirational way, I’m pretty sure she’s slowly dying.” said Mark, the eldest.

“We don’t ever have food in the house, I’ve been scavenging for food in dumpsters since I was like, three,” said Max, hauling a wagon of his mother’s business flyers. “I don’t get the sustainable part of her diet. Like, these flyers alone killed at least twenty trees. And she also has, like, 18 boxes of those t-shirts taking up space in the garage. And do you know how much nutrient pills are? It’s cheaper just to buy some damn food.”

Shwartz is also a proclaimed member of the local Vegan Association.

However, the San Diego Vegan Association refutes that claim, stating that Shwartz’s

membership was revoked due to “vegan extremism.”

Sara Hepberg, president of the SDVA, commented on Shwartz, saying “She used to be pretty well-liked here.

We kinda thought her t-shirt idea was funny. Not doable, just funny. Then she came in one day and showed us a 40-minute clip of people cutting lawns and picking flowers while she hysterically cried in the back of the room. It was then we realized she was serious.”

Despite the outlook of her business, Shwartz sees no end in her endeavor to spread the lifestyle. She reportedly intends to follow her diet to the end of her life, possibly even giving up her nutrient pills since she has considered the idea that items “might have felt sensation at one point.”

VALENTINE'S DAY GRAMS If those vague department store cards don’t convey what you want to say to your significant other, here are some alternative ones for you to try out!

Im scared of dying alone

I’m in love with the idea of love and you seem like you won’t hurt me too badly

I am horny and you are human shaped

I have a Disney+ account and I will share the password in exchange for affection

Lets throw bricks at cop cars together

My mom doesn’t like you

Behold!

My Will-you-be-mine-inator!

I recognize you because we matched on Tinder but I haven’t brought it up since

From: Heinz Doofenshmirtz

we’ve met organically

was so devastated to hear about the Australian fires.

Just thinking about all those animals losing their homes makes me so sad. I felt super helpless, until I realized that we can all do what we can to help. “Be the change you want to see.” I feel like someone important said that once, but it just really applies to this situation. We can all do our part. In my case, I had my dad buy me a plane ticket to Melbourne. I arrived completely ready to help with those cute animals. Turns out the fires were actually in New South Wales, which is crazy — I guess I didn’t really realize there were other parts of Australia.

I also found out they don’t let just anyone help with the animals. I eventually just came back home because what else was I gonna do? Help out at a homeless shelter?

I actually have a deep and personal connection with Australia because I studied abroad there for a quarter.

Although I had to come home

a couple months early, I immersed myself in the culture. It’s definitely my second home now. Even though I wasn’t able to fight the fire first-hand like I had planned, I think I did my part by posting the same photoshopped photo onto my Insta story everyday for the past two weeks. You know, just in case someone still didn’t know about it.

If you want to do your part, you can also adopt a quokka from Australia! They are the cutest animal from Australia. I adopted mine a couple weeks ago and it was much cheaper than I thought it was gonna be. I can’t wait to get mine, it’s gonna look so cute in selfies.

COUNTERPOINT Okay, but First Can We Stop Those Men From Wearing Shorts That are Too Short?

By Gloria Hsu

Fashion Influencer t’s, like, so sad what’s going on down there. Just thinking about how everyone’s losing their homes absolutely crushes me. But I think we need to focus on the important issues. Like who told Australian men that those swim trunks are okay?

They are so incredibly short, it’s a hazard. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to that visual when I’m trying to chill at the beach.

Seeing something like that has the potential to ruin your whole day. Who even thought that was okay when they were designing it? Like did they run out of fabric?

The aesthetics to an outfit like that are all off; a four-inch pant length is not gonna balance out a shirt at all. It’s a fashion travesty! I don’t expect everyone to be well versed in the laws of fashion, but we need to do our part to make sure those shorts don’t get into the wrong hands.

People have told me that I’m being insensitive to the issue at hand, but I’m definitely doing the important work

I

here. No one else is talking about it, and one of us had to address the matter at hand. If you think I’m being shallow, all I have to say is think about the koalas and kangaroos that have to look at a man’s balls almost dangling out of his “shorts.” They are already fighting for their lives, do you want them to go blind too?

Look, at the end of the day a fire is a fire, it’ll eventually burn out. But something like this could plague the world forever. How am I supposed to go on knowing that somewhere in the world someone is wearing those ugly-ass shorts in public with complete confidence? It doesn’t matter how hot Australia gets, shorts that shorts will never be okay.

TOP Ten

Similarities Between a Valentine’s Day Date and a Birthday Party at a Bowling Alley 10. You were the only one who showed up 9. A lot of oil is involved 8. Both take place at a bowling alley 7. You felt like you had to shower beforehand, and you know you have to shower afterwards 6. You rely on spares 5. By the end of the night your wallet is completely empty 4. It gets a little funky when they turn the black light on 3. Your mom is there 2. It was easier on the Wii 1. You strike out

February 5, 2020

theMQ.org

Local Man Can’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring up Gore at the Dinner Table

Page 5

Local Student Caught Googling How to Painlessly Break Leg After Rumors of Military Draft

PHOTO By sharon roth Before the hammer was swung, Krohner reportedly cried out, “Stop! Uhh, don’t you think a wrench would work better?”

PHOTO By Jack Yang After performing his “sausage as noose” routine for the fourth night in a row, Jason Roth reportedly told his disapproving mother, “What do you mean mom? Violence is a natural part of life.”

Andrew Sitko

Social/Publicity Chair

A

domestic disturbance was recently filed at the Roth residence dinner table after 13 year-old Jason Roth reportedly went into a detailed analysis of a gory video he watched. The video in question displayed marina workers opening bloated, deceased whale stomachs.

The complaints in the domestic disturbance report were “three unfinished dinners, a 40-minute standby on dessert, and one “onthe-verge-of-vomiting gag streak” occurring after the telling of the tale. Shannon Roth left the table “visibly uncomfortable,” later stating, “We were having spaghetti and meat sauce, and then he goes and says things about whale guts, so now I’m visualizing those guts. I look down at the plate and I just see a swirling mass of intestine while Jason slurps up his meal, dripping marinara down like blood.”

Not everyone at the table was affected by the events at the dinner table. Kevin Roth, Jason’s brother, has taken a firm stance alongside his sibling in his statement to police. “Everyone born millenial and older is soft. They don’t understand what it was like jumping on a Windows XP computer and watching LiveLeak at seven years old. Jason and I would watch everything from uncensored, fatal car crashes to terrorist beheadings in the desert. By nine, we were so desensitized to blood and guts, we would just laugh about the videos we watched.” The report states that Kevin then opened the refrigerator and began to eat his family’s leftovers from the night before, saying in between mouthfuls that if he couldn’t eat after every mention of gore, “I would have starved to death years ago.”

Tensions in the Roth household have heightened after the affair, with the family Xbox being locked away in the upper cupboard with a Mas-

terLock as punishment for a spoiled dinner. A “countersiege” from the brothers has reportedly been mounted to mention gore, obscene acts, and other “queaze-enabling” acts during every meal.

Annabelle Roth, mother of Jason, Kevin, and Shannon, shared her hardships suffered over the conflict in a statement to the press: “We’re starving, that’s all I can say. Everytime we try to eat, we are berated with terms and facts that make our stomachs close up and whatever was in there come out. Then this chain reaction occurs, and I personally can’t eat after watching someone vomit. Then I feel a little vomitey, you know? They really want their Xbox back, and we would retaliate by taking more and more things away. But after all this imagery at every single meal, we don’t have the energy to lift valuable electronics all the way to the top of the cupboard. I’m not sure how long we can hold out. Morale is low and we need food.”

“I really didn’t mean for

it to go this far, but hey, it’s working out for me,” said Jason. I think this is a real bite back for allowing a young child to have unlimited and uncensored access to a new frontier of online interaction. Especially since there were fewer child censors and protections against violent content being on the front page of Google when I grew up. I do understand that some people aren’t desensitized to the things I am, so maybe I’ll stop bringing it up at the dinner table sometime in the future. But hey, I still gotta get my Xbox back, so I’ll keep riding this out until the bitter end.”

The Roth brothers show no signs of stopping, despite Jason’s semi-empathetic understanding of the situation.

Demands have grown to not only having the Xbox be reinstated and immunity to punishment, but to also have “increased screen time and a pack of Pewdiepie Lingonberry G-Fuel” to fuel said increased screen time.

Area Man Just Waiting for an Opportunity to Talk About the Horses Outside of PF Chang’s

By Aniela Drumonde

Assistant Content Editor

F

ourth-year Marshall student Tamara Krohner has admitted to researching how to injure herself in an attempt to exempt herself from military drafting in the wake of Iran’s missile volley on Al Assad Air Base.

Krohner, apparently unaware that female US citizens are not subject to drafting, expressed her worry while opening a new tab on homemade anaesthesia and closing a different tab on pain receptors. “I was supposed to be taking it easy this quarter and find a job that will pay me enough so I can be debtfree by 2034, but all this talk about a nuclear war might make my dreams impossible.

I even find myself unable to suppress all thoughts of an inescapable, numb adulthood filled with regret and perceived missed chances, which might be even worse.”

She went on to hypothesize, “I mean, if I die, it might mean I won’t be in debt anymore, but I’d rather be slowly killed through chronic exhaustion than be quickly killed by a gun. Call me a philosopher, but I don’t mind taking the road less travelled by.”

Krohner found out about the conflict through a Facebook comment thread originally focused on used textbooks, and admits to some confusion about the finer details. “I’m not sure why Ireland would attack the American cultural center in Iraqistan, but that won’t stop me from trying to order a bonesaw on Amazon, or looking into grad schools far away from any potential nuclear blast zones. I tried to sharpen the dining hall knives into usable weapons, but that didn’t work. Then I tried to

order a hitman off the dark web, though I didn’t get very far.

The hitman refused to take my dining dollars once they discovered the markets no longer sell Hydroflasks.”

“I’ve been looking into more homeopathic ideas, so my next choice is just ignoring my left leg until it goes away.” said Krohner. “One of my old roommates told me that it’s more likely that this world is a simulation than not, so I figure I could imagine my leg being nothing. Placebo, you know? If I think about it hard enough, it’ll have to happen. If that doesn’t work, I’m also trying to get scurvy so it’ll just fall off one day. College students don’t eat fruit anyway, so I’m halfway there!”

Krohner plans to try to get her friend Lauren Standton to“evansco” her bones away using “imagination and a little bit of magic,” as Standton owns all seven “Harry Potter” books in a box set. Krohner, however, says she’s the first to admit the plan is a long shot, as Standton was last seen fleeing UCSD on two Bird Scooters.

“I’m pretty sure Lauren fled to Canada six months ago. I can’t be sure, though, she doesn’t go to class, I never see her, and she doesn’t reply to my texts, but that could just be a normal bout of existential ennui paralysing her from making choices regarding the immediate future. We’ve all been there. In Canada, she could escape both the crippling burdens of college life and the impending doom of another World War, so it’s a win-win.”

Krohner could not be reached for further comment, though sources claim she was walking to the beach with a bucket of fish heads while practicing her shark calls.

PHOTO By jack yang “I don’t know who I am anymore without the horse” says Chou, when asked by officers to get off the horse.

By Beans Cox

Assistant Content Editor ocal man Devin Chou has recently caused uproar around La Jolla by sitting through hours of discussion just hoping for an opportunity to talk about the horses outside of PF Chang’s. “It’s like he’s not even listening to us,” said Chou’s friend, Anika Copeland. “He stares blankly through hours of conversation. His eyes are black and lifeless — it’s horrifying. But when someone brings up horses, statues, or even lettuce wraps, Devin joyously lights up with the opportunity to talk about his passion. It’s like he’s a whole new person.”

Chou justifies his infatuation with the PF Chang’s horses by saying “they’re just

L

so beautiful and powerful.

Like, Kung Pao Chicken tastes okay, but having a majestic 11-foot horse watching over me assures me that I can really enjoy my food. If you can’t find the beauty in that, then you’re the weird one.”

Chou’s fascination with the horses has landed him in a legal conflict involving PF Chang’s iconic monuments.

“They say you’re not supposed to climb on the horses, but they can’t actually stop you if you do,” said Chou.

“The PF Chang’s employees are not allowed to physically touch you, so they can yell at you to get down from the horses all they want, but they can’t physically make you. But apparently they can acquire restraining orders forbidding

you from coming back, so that part blows.”

Social Psychology expert Dr. Beatrice Ruppert includes a section on Chou in her new book “No One is Actually Listening to You,” where she coins the term “The Chou Effect.” One passage reads: “After observing Devin interact with others in a group setting, I witnessed a behavioral pattern we see again and again in social psychology: a person passionately pursuing a singular specific underlying obsession. My philosophy is very similar to Freud’s (except in my philosophy people can have an obsession with something other than wanting to have sex with their mom).

People cannot be invested in a conversation unless their

niche passion is brought to light. In Devin’s case, he will not be able to contribute to a conversation unless someone brings up his passion — the 11-foot tall horses outside of PF Chang’s restaurants.”

Ruppert’s studies conclude that in the average day-to-day conversation, other people will only listen to what you are saying seven percent of the time. 85 percent of the time, however, people are thinking about “their own personal version of Chou’s 11-foot-tall horse statues.’” Chou responded to Dr. Ruppert’s findings by saying, “I don’t really care what she writes about me in her book. I just really love those horse statues outside of PF Chang’s.”

Checking things off our bucket list

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 6

theMQ.org

February 5, 2020

Phil E. B

America's Most Pa

Ages 10 a

Articles of Impeachment Cobbler ...................... $5.29 Sloppy Biden ............................................................. $7.29 Pie-owa .................................................................... $4.99 Mitch McCorndog ............................................... $6.99 1% Milk ......................................................................$1000

Trump Tweets It’s always important to check your sources!

Test out your truth-detecting skills to see if you can sleuth out which Trump tweets are real or FAKE NEWS.

Slick n’ Slide Help Big Oil find a pipeline from Canada to North Dakota. But watch out for any Native American Reservations!

1. Real 2. Fake 3. Real 4. Fake 5. Fake 6. Real 7. Fake 8. Real

February 5, 2020

Page 7

theMQ.org

Buster’s

artisan Restaurant!

and Under

Kamala Haggis ....................................................$7.99 MAGA and Cheese ............................................$1.29 Deport-abello Mushroom Burger ...................$6.29 Mike Penne .........................................................$5.29 Impossible Burger ...............................................$100

Tweet-Tac-Toe Have some fun exchanging @s and blue check marks with this fun game of Tweet-Tac-Toe

color by numbers Follow the color key and color in the picture to reveal a surprise politician

1 5

2 6

3 7

4 45

Personality Word Search

Who are you? The first three words you see in this word search describe who you are!

Page 8

theMQ.org

Groundhog Day Inner Circle Reveals Punxsutawney Phil as “Treacherous Warhawk”

February 5, 2020

EDITORIAL

Cats Gets Two Paws Up

By Merlin French

Chronically Late Film Critic

S

PHOTO By sharon roth Rumor has it Punxsutawney Phil grows stronger every time someone misspells his name.

By Matthew Miltimore

O

Staff Writer

nly a few days after he declared an early spring, serious concerns have been raised regarding Punxsutawney Phil, the beloved weather-predicting groundhog from Pennsylvania. A whistleblower from the Inner Circle, the group tasked with overseeing the annual Groundhog Day celebrations, released a series of leaks which, if true, reveal the shocking nature of Phil’s power and personal character.

A piece of common knowledge surrounding Phil that has now fallen under scrutiny is his advanced age.

While most wild groundhogs have a lifespan of around six years, “Ol’ P. Phil” has been alive and making predictions since 1886. One of the most

damning pieces of evidence revealed by the anonymous source can be found in the Inner Circle Handbook, in which the authors detail how “although the public remains under the impression that Punxsutawney Phil is 136 years old, in truth he was born hundreds of thousands of years ago in the deepest bowels of an ancient volcano.” The piece goes on to reveal how Phil maintains his boyish good looks through the creation of an “elixir of life” referred to colloquially as “groundhog punch.”

The concoction requires, amongst other ingredients, “seven gallons of young groundhog blood.”

Moreover, a leaked 2011 recording of Phil and thenPresident of the Inner Circle Richman Sneezebottle

reveals the two discussing how Phil, in 1995, became the Chief Financial Officer of Halliburton. Halliburton is a company which carried out large amounts of military contracts during the Iraq War. Phil goes on to claim how he profited from the war: “The President was practically giving me these defense contracts, I mean — oh gosh, this dandelion and coltsfoot is delicious — yeah, but I mean I made a lot of money.” The conversation was spoken entirely in groundhogese, a rare language spoken mostly by groundhogs and a few Inner Circle members.

These revelations have left many long-time supporters of Phil feeling confused and betrayed. Among these former admirers is Charles G. Hogg,

better known as Staten Island Chuck, the former groundhog meteorologist of the Staten Island Zoo and long-time champion of anti-establishmentism. Chuck gained notoriety when in 2011 he bit Mayor Bloomberg on his hand.

“I’m incredibly disappointed in my fellow groundhog,” remarked Mr. Hogg, “I’ve always admired his knack for weather prediction, but I just cannot stand behind a war profiteer.

He’s not a groundhog to me, he’s a groundpig! Oink oink Philly, hope you choke on your own shadow! Go Mets!”

The validity of these accusations remains unclear, and although Phil predicted an early spring, he is already in a lot of heat.

Local Charmin Ultra Soft Bear Household Stocked With Strong Toilet Paper, Charmin Bear Child Found Passed Out in Bathroom

“Maybe we should just switch to wet wipes,” commented Ultrasoft Charmin Bear Mom.

By Dan Kaliblotzky

V

Managing Editor

arious bathrooms in the house of a Charmin Ultra Soft bear family were recently loaded with Charmin Strong toilet paper rolls, leading to deep abrasion injuries. “When I saw it, I knew something was wrong,” said Charmin Bear Boy, “it was sticking straight down, no floppiness at all. It looked as hard as a rock and as sharp as a knife! I wanted to run outside and call my dad, but I can’t go outside without wiping! I yelled and yelled.

“MOM! DAD! This toilet paper isn’t ultra soft! It’s Charmin Basic at BEST! But in the end, it was no use. I had to use the toilet paper.” Charmin Bear Boy injured both his hands after attempting to hold the

toilet paper. He did reportedly succeed in gripping it, but passed out from blood loss immediately afterwards.

The incriminating toilet paper was reportedly placed by a Charmin Ultra Strong bear family during a Charmin Bear potluck. “We never go anywhere without toilet paper,” said the Ultra Strong Charmin Bear Dad, “and thank goodness we came to that potluck prepared. I took one look at the ridiculous insect-wingstrength paper they had there and I ran straight out of the bathroom to fetch my own from the car.” Other members of the family also express little regret for their actions on that day.

Ultra Strong Charmin Bear Mom said, “I’m surprised

their paper even stood up to gravity, it was so soft. I was worried it would disintegrate if I touched it.” Ultra Strong Charmin Bear Grandmother commented, “I need toilet paper that feels like a washcloth made of the bottom of cleats. But just being in the room with that weak roll of fabric I could smell the stink of flimsy, useless, garbage toilet paper. Or maybe it was just the result of a toilet paper that doesn’t clean like Charmin Ultra Strong.” Ultra Strong Charmin Boy further commented, “yeah, fuck that toilet paper.”

The Charmin Ultra Soft family is filing a lawsuit against the Charmin Ultra Strong family for the scarring and trauma caused by the strong toilet paper. Charmin Soft Grandpa

orry, I know this movie came out a while ago, but this review took a while to write. Hopefully I end up submitting it on time. Anyway, when I first saw “Cats,” which is the 2019 film adaptation of the long running Broadway show “The Lion King,” the packed audience gave it a three-hour long standing ovation. Personally though, I didn’t agree with this reaction, so I gave it a fourhour standing ovation. This was back in December, when all anyone could talk about was how great “Cats” looked and how it would win every Academy Award. Once it was released however, we understood that it was nowhere near as good as we suspected; it was a million times better!

You don’t need me to tell you the premise of “Cats.”

Judging by the box office numbers, you’ve probably already seen it at least seven times, but here it goes anyway: Lightning McQueen, played by Owen Wilson, is a cocky, young race

cat on his way to winning the championship, but when he gets stuck in a run-down roadside town, he learns the true meaning of teamwork, and that winning isn’t everything.

Now I’m not entirely sure why this movie needed to be released again in theaters, but needless to say I’m all on board.

Unfortunately, I was late to my showing due to the immense traffic jam of moviegoers, so I only caught the last few minutes, and apparently they either added some new footage or I don’t remember the film as well as I thought I did. Either way, the ending absolutely rules.

There is one problem though: while the ending was great, I can’t help but feel like it should have gone on a little longer.

Toward the end, Doc Hudson, known in this version as Old Deuteronomy and for the first time played by a woman, delivers an overtly political monologue that the higher ups at the studio surely shortened for fear of inciting revolution.

“A cat is not a dog” is probably one of the most powerful lines I’ve ever heard. I hope America hears more about it in the director’s cut.

Overall, although most people have come to their senses and enjoy “Cats” for what it is, there remains a contingent of hipsters and elitists who hate it simply because it’s popular, and that’s sad. If you somehow haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend it. Kachow!

TOP Ten

Reasons The Queen of England Is Holding Out On Dying 10. She’s rich, so unlike you she has access to healthcare 9. She’s waiting for the Simpsons to do it first 8. She’s not quite done with her GEs and she needs an extra year 7. Her immune system already voted “Leave,” but legislation is slow 6. At one point she was the youngest person in the world, so she thinks it’d be cool to get the other one 5. She’s waiting for Mary Berry to come back to the Great British Bake-Off 4. Dying is kind of subjective when you have a thousand more of you growing in a vat 3. She’s waiting for someone to find her treasure map, so she can give a really vague hint on her deathbed 2. She still hasn’t fulfilled her lifelong goal of wearing every hat in the world 1. She’s spiting the Irish

PHOTO By Sharon roth

explained, “we invited them because they’re part of the Charmin family. They share the same values as us: using toilet paper, enjoying the go, and not second guessing our practice of inspecting our children’s rears to look for shreds of value-brand toilet paper whenever they come out of the bathroom. Charmin Soft may be softer than ever, but we’re not going soft on these criminals.” The lawsuit is ongoing, as the family reported being “too busy” to resolve it at this time. The entire Charmin Ultra Soft family was last reported to be occupied with vigorously squishing and rubbing unopened packs of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper.

We like our satire sunny side up.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

February 5, 2020

theMQ.org

Disney Confirms Elsa is Not a Lesbian, But Sven is a Furry

Page 9

MQoupons $3 off your $400 textbook you need for eight weeks!

Expires May 1988

PHOTO By Jack Yang Disney executives have reportedly confirmed that Elsa will be introduced to a new female “best friend roommate” for “Frozen 3.”

By Beans Cox

Assistant Content Editor

A

midst rumors about Queen Elsa’s sexuality, Disney recently held a press conference to reassure the public that Elsa is not a lesbian, but took the opporitunity to also confirm the sexual preferences of another “Frozen” character: Sven the reindeer. Jeanne Ferguson, a spokesperson for Disney, stated at the press conference: “We at Disney are so sorry for the miscommunication. In the 2019 “Frozen 2” film, Elsa ends the film single. It was understandably shocking for our audience members that Elsa didn’t end up with a prince. It isn’t right for a Disney Princess to remain single — it’s impossible for a woman to love herself without primarily loving a

man. Secondly, it is a common stereotype that all lesbians have supernatural powers, so Elsa’s ice powers were an unfortunate red herring.”

In “Frozen 2” Elsa is 21 years old. According to a poll by Implicit Bias Monthy, a 21 year-old woman who is single is either “unloveable,” “barren,” “lesbian,” or a combination of the three.

Ferguson addressed this poll in her press conference saying: “None of these values are something we want to endorse here at Disney.

We are a family company … well, a ‘family company’ as long as that family is American, Caucasian, and, of course, heterosexual.”

While Ferguson used the press conference to diffuse rumors about Elsa’s sexuality, she also used the press

conference to reveal new information about the film’s reindeer sidekick, Sven. “It’s shocking that the public falsely latched on to Lesbian Elsa rumors but totally overlooked the fact that Sven is a furry,” said Ferguson. “While there are no clues in the movie to suggest that this is true — and, I mean, absolutely no evidence whatsoever — Disney wants everyone to know its making important steps to represent people of all different identities in its films.”

When asked about the double standard between Elsa and Sven, Ferguson said, “Elsa being a lesbian is completely different than Sven being a furry. Elsa is the main character of the movie and an inspiration to girls everywhere, and Sven is just a silly side character.”

Ferguson then goes on to reference Disney’s 2018 live action “Beauty and the Beast” remake, where Gaston’s lackie LaFou was revealed to be Disney’s first openly gay character. “Disney is all for the conversation about sexuality and identity, as long as that conversation takes place in silly side characters who have no influence on the plot and are solely there for comedic relief.”

When asked if Sven and Kristoff were in a furry/humanoid romantic relationship, Ferguson had no comment. However, leaked marketing data from a DisneyHasbro merchandise deal featured the title “Kristoff and Sven’s Secret Adventure While Anna Was Away” on a list of upcoming toys.

Life Revealed to be an Elaborate Game of Mad Libs Played by the Gods

PHOTO By Jack Yang “Oh, this ought to be a good one,” said Tian Gong, looking at the line: “Jesus was ______ (Race).”

By Stephen Lightfoot

I

Foreign Correspondent

n a booming announcement from the sky, which shattered windows and shook the world’s population to its very core, a multi-faith council of Gods stated that they were “truly sorry about the shit existence.”

“Every year, a new God whips up a fresh booklet of Mad Libs to determine the fate of your world and entertain us,” sang the holy chorus of Gods and angels, as heavenly light pierced the sky.

“But ever since Koalemos drew his name for 2020 it’s been an absolute train wreck. Koalemos is extremely self-centered and short-sighted, but he’s an absolute riot. He’s like the frat boy of Heaven. We know that you’re all worried about war, apocalyptic fires, the rise of authoritarianism, and all that stuff, but you have to trust us when we say that we had no

clue what would happen when Koalemos put all of the nouns, verbs, and adjectives together for each day. We hope this divine message will act as an apology, but we want to make it clear that we’ve been having an absolute blast up here, and now that we realize how much fun utterly cataclysmic chaos is, it’s only going to get worse.”

The Gods’ speech was received poorly all around the world, with many angry that their life had been revealed to have such little meaning.

“I feel like I’m a cosmic afterthought,” said Courtney Marr, an Australian student studying at the University of Sydney. “I was woken up at 4 a.m. to the sound of the Gods telling me that my purpose in life is to react to the fact that the world is crumbling around me. Honestly, I’m not even mad at the fact that I have no free will, I’m just angry that I’m one adverb away from me living “stickily”

ever after instead of “happily.”

“Despite everything that’s happened over the last few days, I’m still a man of faith,” declared Father Douglas O’Connell, a Catholic priest from Carlsbad. “I understand why some are upset that our existence has been revealed to be all pre-determined, but I think most people are forgetting that religious people such as myself already believed that was the case. Is it a bit unconventional for our fate to be determined by Mad Libs? Perhaps, but God works in … blank ways. Fill in the blank with whatever adjective you’d like.”

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo also revealed his thoughts on the Gods’ announcement in a press conference on Monday. In it, he stated that “the Gods, as the divine rulers and creators of the world, ultimately had everyone’s best interests in

mind, and thus, they knew the best ways to ensure peace and prosperity across the world.”

He then revealed that starting immediately, all American foreign policy matters would be conducted via Mad Libs. “All diplomats and negotiators will obviously need to be retrained for this new Mad Lib style of decision-making,” Pompeo affirmed. “However, it will create hundreds of new jobs for translators, and will naturally lead to cooperation across the globe. If you’re one of the only few people in a room NOT doing a Mad Lib, you’re going to want to get in on that. And when you do, you’ll be able to solve anything, from trade to war.” Later in his speech, Pompeo proudly declared that his negotiation strategy had already worked, disclosing that the US and Iran had struck a peace deal, involving the trade of 2,000 butts for 18 scaly hats.

With purchase of gas station sushi, get free food poisoning The MQ is not responsible for any medical damages and will not pay for hospitalization services

Spam mail: buy none get 20,000 FREE!!!

Brought to you by the UCSD Spam Quarantine

Bring a $50 cup to your local coffee shop Get 10 cents off your first 10 purchases

FREE time all gone!!!

Just take a physics class Comes with purchase of $40,000 tuition

Free case of body dysmorphia with purchase of mirror

Perfect guinea pig bedding

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 10

theMQ.org

UCSD Student Proposes $300 AirPod "Earrings"

February 5, 2020

Local Biology Professor Loses Funding After Lab Stocked With Antibacterial Soap

PHOTO By Jay Noonan Sources heard the bacteria protesters shouting: “Please, just one sneeze! We’re starving!”

By Sharon Roth

Assistant Graphics Editor

L

PHOTO By sharon roth Following the release of the product, both ear infection rates and the model’s Instagram follower count reportedly skyrocketed.

By Pilan Scruggs

R

Staff Writer

eports find that Apple’s wireless earbuds have experienced a tumultuous three years on the market. Once a rare commodity, AirPods have become a common sight in a user’s ears or cast aside on the ground.

Users have expressed strong concerns over their small size, which make them prone to loss. However, a recently announced invention

by UCSD student Cary Tran could potentially wipe out those fears: AirPods in the form of earrings.

“Why not?” Tran responded, when asked about his motivations. “People like their AirPods, people like their earrings. It just makes sense to put them together.”

When questioned about the feasibility of individuals actually wanting to wear such a product in public, he pointed out, “If people are fine having enormous hoops, small Eiffel Towers,

and Pokémon dangling from their ears, what’s so different about AirPods? They seem less obtrusive than some things I’ve seen before.”

Tran explained that the original concept actually comes from his roommate, Daniel Bartlett, who supposedly has lost over five pairs of wireless earbuds since the start of the school year. “I keep telling him that it is not worth it to keep replacing them, but he won’t listen to me,” Tran said. “Apparently he cares that much about how he looks, so I told him that as a courtesy I would give him the first working prototype of these earbuds and pierce his ears myself.

He didn’t seem enthusiastic about that last bit, though.”

Tran’s current proposed model is to merely straighten out paper clips and tape them to AirPods. He admitted that significant work needed to be done before submitting a patent for approval, which would cost roughly $300.

“Sure, I’ll tweak the design to make it more comfortable, but the basic structure won’t need to change much. Why do more work than I need to? I’ll eventually add different colors and styles for an extra $50 or so, but honestly, I’m surprised people haven’t jumped on this idea sooner.”

Tran was met with overwhelming support upon polling other people living in his dorm building, who likewise expressed incredulity at the lack of such a product on the market. Some even offered to set up a means for him to collect donation, until he said he didn’t really want the support of strangers who “probably don’t actually care that much.”

“It’s like they think I’m Steve Jobs or something, and that since I’ve had this vision I’m all set to drop out and start my entrepreneurial career,” he said. “And they’re not wrong about me being a sort of a genius, but there’s a lot of complications in between. Mostly I feel like

I would just end up spending most of the donations on groceries, which would make me feel guilty.”

Tran revealed that once he gets beyond this “dream stage,” he will reach out to UCSD students for coworkers. “This would be a mutual relationship,” he explained.

“I’m not looking to exploit cheap student labor to assemble these or anything. Only Daniel’s really losing here since I kind of took his idea without asking, but he will receive the first working pair.

Anyways, I’d be interested in having people who can explain how all of this works and suggest improvements, both regarding aesthetics and functionality. I would be super grateful because to be quite honest, all of this technology stuff is new to me.

To tell the truth, I’m actually a theater major that only recently learned the difference between earbuds, AirPods, and headphones.”

Lesser-Known Presidents of the United States Most people think there have only been 45 presidents in American history, but revisionist history books omitted some lesser known leaders of the free world.

Here are their stories:

Burgermeister Meisterburger > Born in the US, but was raised exclusively by problematic old standup comedians specializing in racial stereotypes > Made history as America's first clay president > Banned all toys during his presidency

The Kool-Aid Man

ongtime cell biology researcher Alexander Conrad recently announced that his lab lost funding after Peterson Hall was stocked with antibacterial soap. The lab, which studies bacteria found in various parts of campus, had relied on students’ unhygienic habits in order to conduct their research.

Dr. Conrad has been working on this particular project for 10 years, and he explained that “this bacteria shortage is really slowing our research down.”

Steph Aurous, a third-year PhD student working at the lab, said, “You wouldn’t believe the kinds of bacteria we get to study here. There’s a few common types of bacteria you’d expect, but UCSD students go above and beyond with the new species they leave around.” While Steph is excited about the lab’s breakthroughs in studying the characteristics of such bacteria, she noted that stocking Peterson Hall with antibacterial soap was for the best. “Sure it makes my job more interesting,” she added, “but I highly advise everyone to wash their hands.”

Other graduate students are reportedly relieved by the new brand of soap. Mona Putida, a first-year PhD student, appreciates the break from her work

in the lab. “I didn’t know what kind of research Dr. Conrad was conducting before arriving at UCSD, and now I really regret choosing this program. I know my job is important, but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get samples without being caught.” She reports that finding times when the hall is empty can be difficult, but “the rush of adrenaline she gets from narrowly avoiding faculty, students, and staff makes the job worth it.” Mona later admitted that she has been caught twice by custodial staff, but they seemed unfazed and did not intervene.

The new Winter-Melonand-Honey-Lavender-scented soap claims to kill 99.9 percent of bacteria. This has infuriated Conrad, who believes all bacteria should be studied equally. “I can’t go around only studying the top 0.1 percent of bacteria,” Conrad lamented.

“That would be preposterous!

0.1 percent of bacteria can’t be controlling 99.9 percent of the research we do.”

When asked about their opinions on the issue, students were indifferent. One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I honestly didn’t notice. I guess it smells kinda nice.”

TOP Ten

Things Your Mom Was Right About All Along 10. You really did need that jacket 9. That boy was up to no good 8.You are just like your father 7. Kids do ruin your life 6. There is no ethical consumption under capitalism 5. Law school was a poor investment 4. Your face is stuck that way 3.There was food in the house 2. It was just a phase 1. You are a handsome young man

> Believed in tearing down walls instead of building new ones > Vice-president was the Hamburger Helper > Gained popularity as most radical president

Theodor Geisel > Famously said, “One party, two party, red party, blue party.” > Said he was a doctor so people didn’t think they were voting for a normal politician > Had an anti-consumerism, pro-Christmas stance

Satire is in the eye of the beholder

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

February 5, 2020

theMQ.org

President Trump Announces Plan to Leave the EU

Page 11

POINT

The New Decade Actually Starts Next Year Because There Was No Year Zero

By Blake Bierbaum Future Ph.D, MS, BS

I

PHOTO By Jack Yang Trump later tweeted that he was sure the US’ performance of “God Bless Texas” would win the Eurovision contest despite it not being an original song.

By Quoc Tran

Staff Writer resident Donald Trump made United States’ exit from the European Union a central promise of his re-election campaign at a rally Tuesday night. He reportedly pledged to finally pull the United States out of the EU, after an alleged “shameful” 244 years of negotiation.

The American public narrowly voted to leave the European Union in a referendum issued in 1776, as part of a campaign promise

by President George Washington. One of the original promises of the campaign was to limit immigration into the United States by Europeans, as the centuries prior had seen a large influx of Europeans to the North American continent. The main members of the “leave” campaign, more commonly known as the Founding Fathers, plastered horse buggies with catchy slogans and spread jingles that accused the European Union and King George III of refusing

P

to “Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.”

Eight years into his presidency, fraught with domestic rebellions and tense negotiations with the EU, President Washington failed to make concrete progress towards “Amerexit” and elected to not seek re-election, passing the “Amerexit” torch to the next President, John Adams. The 42 administrations since President Adams have pushed to delay the dreaded “no-deal-Amerexit,” where the United States would cease to reap any benefits from the European Union and open borders between the two would be closed. Experts fear the repercussions that a “no-deal-Amerexit” would have on the global economy.

Jennifer Contreras, a consultant with a D.C.-based think tank, speculates that one scenario could involve the closing of the entire Atlantic Ocean. “That’d be pretty bad,” she concluded.

Trump announced in a press statement that, as

part of his plan, he would be rebranding the movement from “Amerexit” to “USAway.” The change was reportedly met with strong bipartisan support, even among those who opposed the movement as a whole.

Tamara Zhang, a protestor at the rally, voiced her desire that the United States remain a part of the European Union. “But,” she admitted, “if they’re gonna keep pushing for us to leave the EU, then they might as well have a cool name for it. ‘USAway’ is a pretty good one, I’ve got to say.”

Trump supporters at a campaign rally were reported chanting simple and memorable complaints like “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them,” harkening back to one of the original grievances of “Amerexit.” Robert Dueber of Toledo, Ohio expressed

enthusiasm for President Trump’s campaign promise, stating: “I hate those Europeans!” Kyle Harris agreed, chiming in, “Free healthcare and college sucks. I had to pay an arm and a leg for my kidney transplant, just like it should be! I don’t need these European sensibilities invading my God given right to die because of a lack of healthcare!”

Reports from the rally cite that Trump used a large portion of the time during his speech to attack President Barack Obama, alongside all previous 44 presidents of the United States, for “dragging their feet” with America’s exit from the European Union. The rally specifically mentioned Presidents Woodrow Wilson and Franklin D. Roosevelt, claiming that, “When we should have been finally getting out of the EU, they spent a bunch of time and money over there in Europe fighting those fascists or whatever. Terrible!”

Diamond Companies Going Bankrupt Due to Etsy

Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America

With the upcoming Valentine’s holiday, major diamond companies were expecting the usual uptick in business. However, this year people seem to have gone elsewhere for engagement rings.

Studies have shown that many people are taking advantage of the romantic holiday to start the rest of their lives. “They just don’t want to invest in ‘shiny coal dust.’ Instead, the general public has been turning to online Etsy Shops for unique, personal rings to give to their beloved,” said market expert Kath Newton. “There are just so many cool options for centerpieces, from glittery natural 20 dice to a glow-inthe-dark mountain range. It seems much more personal than rocks mined by orphans in Africa,” said one shopper.

Etsy Shop owners are enthusiastic about how much business they are getting for their hand carved rings, but no ill will is wished on big diamond companies. “I guess we just have a better range of products with a better price range,” commented one shop owner who specializes in enamel rings with real flora inside. “The only reason diamonds are so popular is because of marketing and strategic supply. Who knows, maybe in 20 years carved fungus will be the new ring centerpiece that children grow up dreaming about!”

With news of the entire city of Wuhan being quarantined, fears of a global outbreak of Novel Coronavirus has been expressed all around the world. Novel Coronavirus has been watched intently by the world, as it has spread quickly and adapts at an alarming rate.

While many organizations scramble to research and raise funds for relief, one group has announced they are relieved the pandemic is spreading: white America.

White Americans have expressed their support for developing stories on Novel Coronavirus on social media platforms like Twitter. User PatriotMom7583 wrote: “I’m glad that the Coronavirus broke out in China, it serves them right for eating a diverse food selection that I have little understanding over, making me see it in a bad light.”

Another user, Bdawg387 stated: “People used to call my aversion to Asian people racist, but now since every white person is actively covering their mouth when near someone who looks vaguely Chinese, I don’t get called out anymore!”

White America is banding together to “protect our Aryan children’s futures” by petitioning the inclusion of a new law: the Coronavirus Susceptible People Exclusion Act of 2020.

The bill defines Coronavirus through its susceptibility by ethnic origin, based heavily in the Eastern Hemisphere, excluding Russia. The bill is due to be debated in the House of Representatives next month.

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Brief Rich Student Has Mother Visit Every Weekend to do His Money LaunderinG

Local Man Thinks Calamari and Onion Rings are the Same Thing

UCSD first year Alexander Washington recently told his suitemates that his mother frequently travels to San Diego to preserve his disreputable wealth.

“By the time we were in high school, we could do it all by ourselves. Still having to ask your mom how to do money laundering when you’re already 18 is pretty lame,” said roommate Darren Peters.

“Like, most of us just do it on campus. They sell everything you need at Goody’s.”

Washington’s mother, Dakota Washington, expressed concern for a future when her son could accomplish the chore by himself. “Frankly, I am appalled at the other mothers in my TRIGGERED! Book Club/Bible Study that do not do their children’s chores anymore. My Alexander could never be able to manage his bank accounts on offshore islands without my guidance.

Whenever I text him about it, he responds as if he intends to pay the taxes he owes in full!

I have no choice but to fly to San Diego myself — first class, of course — to settle the situation. Maybe he’ll need to learn eventually, but for now he should let his mommy handle it because she knows best.”

Dakota was later seen in a student laundry room shoving compromising documents in a washing machine.

After ordering calamari from a local BJ’s restaurant, UCSD student Sam Stewart was shocked to receive fried squid rather than the onion rings he had expected.

“I came to BJ’s with my friends to have some engaging conversation and eat some delicious onion rings.

I looked at the menu and saw a picture of fried food in a ring shape. I assumed it would be onion rings — it had to be onion rings. I assumed calamari was just a fun foreign version of onion rings.”

Stewart claimed that his night went drastically downhill after he realized his mistake. “I took a bite and immediately spit it out.

I yelled out that it was the worst onion rings I’ve ever had! Apparently, that was something stupid to say. My friends made fun of me. The waitress made fun of me. My friends didn’t say anything the whole night other than crude jokes about my mistake. It was horrible! They called me ‘calimaridiot.’

That’s barely an insult!”

Stewart was left “confused and traumatized” by the events of the night.

“I didn’t even know squid was a thing people ate. Furthermore, why is squid ring shaped? I have never once seen a squid like that ... I’m going to sue BJ’s for psychological damages.”

’ve noticed something particularly erroneous in the everyday colloquialisms of my fellow classmates. Though not a very large discrepancy, I believe it ruins the verisimilitude of what the year truly and obsequiously is. To put it plainly, as a self-professed finder of panacea, a locator of the lamentable, I have taken a dogmatic pledge to dismantle all forms of embarrassing incorrectness. As you fellow quixotic intellectuals may have already guessed, I seek to make known the incorrect framing done by non-enlighteneds (this is what I call those not in the know [this has only caught on in the most discerning of groups]) noting this

year, 2020, to be the start of the new decade, when the start of the new decade will obviously be next year.

I nobly hope those reading this will realize the error of their ways, lest they lead myself and my fellow brethren into another 2010 scale fiasco. Thank you and you’re welcome.

COUNTERPOINT

Yeah, You May Be Right, but You’re Still a Nerd

By Yasmin Prentiss

Officially Tired of Your Shit

D

o you feel special? Do you feel smart? Is your thesaurus app the first thing Siri recommends you use every morning? Come on, I don’t even think you used even half those words correctly. Let people have some semblance of fun in the face of their dwindling futures. If people want to call this year the start of the new decade, I have some advice for you: literally this does not affect you. At all.

Show some tact and ignore it.

Seriously. I’m all for correctness, but if you make someone feel bad for having any kind of relief over the idea of new beginnings — over having more motivation for fresh starts and feeling hope for the first time in a long while — what you’re doing

isn’t for their sake, it’s for yours. You need to get a grip.

I understand that your fear of the unknown has you latching onto any kind of control you can reasonably use to feel like you exist in any way that matters to other people, but I’m too numb from everything else going on right now to even feel sorry for you. Time isn’t even real. Fuck off.

PHOTO By Kaz Nuckowski "The biggest secret from the 14th century"

Sharp wit and pointed satire since 1988

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

Page 12

“I won’t lie, the nominations were not the best, but you know what they say, when life gives you lemons... Anyways, I’m getting paid for how fast I can get off this stage, so let’s get this show on the road!”

“I know you haven’t seen me much, and especially not in such wondrous attire, but I had to take a break from the hundreds of kids walking under me to present to you these MQscers.”

H y d r o f l a s k for Causing the Most Disruptions During Class

February 5, 2020

H am m o c k for Most Supportive UCSD Resource

Best place to park that IS not A real parking lot:

Paper Str aw for Best Effort

Worst place to make out:

Best Place to Cry On Campus:

In the lap of Dr. Seuss’ statue

Warren Mall, next to the food trucks

Oh, the Places You’ll Go... at least second base!

They can’t ticket you if you blend in.

Other Nominees: On top of What Hath God Wrought, Forest next to the Talking Tree

Foodworx

No one will be there to see you.

Other Nominees: Khosla’s House, Peet’s Coffee

Other Nominees: The Price Center display case, The Iron Maiden at Mandeville