THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“Give me just enough information so that I can lie convincingly.” -Rudy Giuliani, President Trump’s Lead Attorney
Spoiler: Print media dies at the end
March 13, 2019
Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad
Volume XXV Issue V
In This issue Snake Communities celebrate ancestors
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Local Phone Charged with Battery
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flood apocalypse
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local irish person’s favorite color is blue trump space force Reveals Space is ‘Just like Halo’
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News in Brief The salad’s family members found it difficult to see the salad in a vegetative state. By Matthew Miltimore Staff Writer
T
he latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in his pre-packaged caesar salad. “At first I didn’t mind,” recalled Mart Anthony, the second-year Marshall student who purchased the salad. “I’ve been using an old plastic spork as my sole utensil for the past few weeks, so I was stoked to see the new gear.” However, Anthony’s optimism quickly faded upon making a “bleak discovery.” The knives had punctured the complementary two-ounce package of Girad’s Caesar Dressing included in the salad. The resulting leakage caused the lettuce to be exposed to
the dressing for an extended period of time, leading to what Anthony described as “an atrocious, soaky tragedy.” When asked if he would ever purchase the caesar salad again, Anthony answered, “Of course not, caesar salad absolutely needs crisp lettuce. I’ve been betrayed by the people I thought I could trust. Giving someone soaked romaine is like stabbing them in the back.” While Anthony expressed discontent regarding the event, the chef responsible for the salad has stated that his actions were not only justified, but necessary. When Chef Brule Tisk was asked why he shoved the knives into the caesar salad, he said that he did not do so out of any hatred towards caesar salad. “If then you demand why Brule Tisk rose
against caesar, then this is my answer: not that I loved caesar less, but that I loved romaine more.” According to Tisk, the popularity of the caesar salad was putting a strain on the limited supply of romaine lettuce, which forced the market to produce fewer batches of their other, less popular salads. Tisk was reportedly “upset to the point of damaging a salad that was once a friend, companion, and ally, one that he once loved.” Tisk has expressed that he remains hopeful that his actions will lead to a decline in sales for the caesar salad and a subsequent return of the other salads. Tisk concluded by running away and screaming that he “must prepare for the battle of romaine.” Goody’s Market has not increased production of the
PHOTO By Hannah Lykins
alternative salads, but they have pulled the caesar salad from their shelves following a Facebook post by Anthony that read: “Friends, students, Khosla, lend me your ears: I come to expose caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their croutons.” The post also included several photos of the destroyed salad and received 462 likes, 137 of which included the “Crying Tears of Betrayal” reaction. Despite the reaction from UCSD’s Facebook population, many have expressed faith that Goody’s may very well recover, citing the fact that the market was able to stay open after Germanic tribes invaded and laid waste to the romaine supply last fall.
Local Student Mixes Every Single Energy Drink Available, Projected Not to Sleep Until Next Week
Helicopter Mother Leaves 72-Hour Voicemail to Ungrateful Son Local mother Khadija Abboud reportedly left a 72-hour voicemail to her “darling son, Arman.” The recording starting on Thursday and ending the following Sunday. Khadija Abboud now holds the national record for the longest recorded audio track, having broken the previous record of 56 hours. “Once I call him, I just can’t stop talking,” said Khadija. “He’s the sweetest child in the world, but he’s so fragile. I have to constantly remind him to not do drugs, stop at red
lights, chew his food, wipe his tush-tush, tie his shoes, fold his blankies, and brush his teeth. That’s my responsibility as a parent.” Arman was frustrated with his mother, saying, “God, can’t she just give me a break? I’m 22-years-old! She complains that I don’t appreciate her enough, but all she does is pay for my tuition, buy me clothes, cook for me when I’m lazy, comfort me when I’m sad, and tell me she loves me no matter what. Just give me some space already!”
Local student sleeps for three days straight, still tired Local Muir student Morpheus Kent is reportedly “still sleepy af” after sleeping for three days. Kent has agreed to break his nap times into 20 minute increments to provide an exclusive interview with us. “Listen man, I’ve been trying my hardest to train for the sleepathon that is coming up next July. It’s very hard work,” said Kent while nodding off in exhaustion. Kent’s roommate Troy Paris was reportedly upset over Kent’s training schedule. “Look, Morpheus is in our room all the time. I cannot get any personal space. I keep trying to get it
on with my girlfriend, Helen, but every time we get to my room, he’s already there. You know, sleeping and making weird noises that really kill the mood. Doesn’t he have classes to attend, anyways?” Kent tells reporters he was unconcerned with Paris’s complaints. “I can’t let him hold me back from winning this competition. I have a very rigorous sleep routine that can’t be deviated from. Of course, I take an occasional cheat day and get out of bed to go to school, but I try to focus on what’s really important here.”
Area Student Excited for New ‘Game of Thrones’ Season, “Definitely not for the nudity” Smith told reporters, “Red Bull may give you wings, but this combination gives me blood loss.” By Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Captain
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fter staying awake for six consecutive days and breaking the former school record, third-year Saturn Smith attempted to break the UC-wide record of
11 days. When asked how he plans to carry out the task, Smith responded that he plans to mix every energy drink he can. “It’s basically jungle juice, but safer, non-alcoholic, and only slightly less fun. I’m a lightweight, so it’s ideal for someone like me.”
Local man misunderstands wallpaper
Insists he’s an expert in interior defecating
Smith is currently triple majoring in computer engineering, human biology, and cognitive science. When asked about the vast difference between his areas of study, Smith responded “I want to keep my options open. I still haven’t decided if I wan-
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
na be a professional hacker, a drug dea ... um, I mean doctor, or a front-end web developer for porn websites.” An anonymous source reported that Smith calculated
See Energy Drink page 2
Local cat not bread for success Prefers to loaf around
Area frat boy Ramin Djawak expressed his excitement for the upcoming season of “Game of Thrones” by throwing a party at Blacks Beach on the night of March 9, themed around the awardwinning show. Djawak’s party was reportedly “lit,” with one partygoer recalling Djawak saying: “Call me Petyr Baelish, cause this party is just as wild as Littlefinger’s Brothel.” Another said the DJ at the party mostly played “Casterly Rock” music, however, “his style Varys.” “I’m really hoping Daenerys Targaryen gets to sit on the Iron Throne. Not just cause she’s hot, but … um … yeah she’s really hot,” said Djawak. “If she doesn’t, at least
she’s still ‘Queen Daenerys, Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and protector of the Realm, Lady of Dragonstone, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons.’” Djawak later clarified his previous statement, saying “I don’t mean to be sexualizing her in any way, I’m just saying I wish I was Jon Snow at the end of season seven, even if she was my aunt.”
See BRIEFS, page 11