The MQ Volume 23 Issue 1

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“He who hesitates is poor.”

— Heather Bresch CEO, Mylan Pharmaceuticals

All content, no context.

September 21, 2016

Apple CEO Haunted by iPhone 7 Feedback, Steve Jobs’ Ghost

Volume XXIII Issue I

In This issue tilda swinton sets hollywood straight

3

re-closed planned parenthood reopened

4

lxix unolympiad games

6,7

ucsd’s fun guaranteed back-to-school dance all gmos banned except the cool ones

9 11

News in Brief PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

“See, Tim? See? My head is still kind of attached to my body with these headphones. You can’t do that with AirPods,” cackled Jobs.

BY Cole Greenbaun

Content Editor ust two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone jack, expensive new wireless earbuds, and less-thanbreakthrough advancements.

J

Apple CEO Tim Cook has not been taking the feedback well, as recent reports say that the CEO has been “moody” and has been found weeping in a storage closet at Apple’s headquarters several times in the past week.

“Look, I’m fine,” said Cook, audibly sniffling. “Okay, maybe I’ve been a little stressed out re-

cently. But do I care that I work really hard to create innovative products and then people just shit on them because they’re stupid dicks? Of course not. We put a lot of thought into this new iPhone, at least two hours worth of thought, maybe three, and I will not let that hard work be tarnished.”

Cook attributes his

stressed-out state to recent paranormal events occurring at his home. According to Cook, former Apple CEO Steve Jobs has come back from the dead as an all-powerful, soul-sucking banshee and has been harassing Cook since the keynote for his “stupidity,” his

See Haunted, page 2

Libertarian Party Polls at Record Highs, Nobody Notices

By Leo Grabowski Staff Writer

R

ecent polls show Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson polling at an earthshattering 13 percent versus Democratic and Republican candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively.

“This is huge news for our campaign,” said Libertarian Vice Presidential candidate Bill Weld. “Our rallies are now drawing literally tens of people. I think we really have a chance of tying our party’s record for one electoral vote.”

Phil Lacio attended a recent Libertarian party rally.

When asked about the event, he said “That’s what that was?

I thought I was in line for the bathroom,” he said. “I wasn’t even aware that there was a political party for librarians.”

Anna Chiang, another attendee, simply said, “There was a Pikachu in the convention center.”

Others seemed more enthusiastic. “I am proud to #feelthejohnson,” said lifelong Libertarian Cletus Jacobson. “No other candidate has pledged to let gay transgender couples defend their marijuana plants with assault rifles.”

Johnson and the Libertarians will have some competition over the voters dissatisfied with the two real candidates, however. Others have said they would prefer to waste their votes on Jill Stein, the Green Party nominee.

Stein had this to say: “Johnson better back the fuck off. He may have beaten

Congressional Bill, Known as “Zeno’s Bill,” First Has to Get Half its Votes “Zeno’s bill,” introduced

by New Hampshire Senator Jeanne Shaheen, is having a hard time getting traction in Congress. The legislation that intends to give tortoises a head start in their ecosystems must first muster half its required votes before it can gather the rest.

“Our issue right now,” explains Senator Shaheen, “is that we first need to get half of half of the votes we need, even before we can get half of the total votes.”

This 114th Congress has passed the fewest bills in congressional history.

Congressman Parmenides has called this a rousing success for the illusion of

progress and productivity.

Stern opposition is mounting to defeat the bill that promises an insurmountable lead for tortoises across the world. Opponent Kelly Ayotte hardened her stance against the bill, saying “There’s just no way we’re going to give her an eighth of the vote first. And even if we did, where would the honorable senator get the first sixteenth of the votes needed?”

At press time, with turtle populations dwindling, Senator Shaheen was struggling to come up with one thirtysecond of the votes needed for the bill’s passing, and was on the verge of proving bill movement impossible.

Incoming Freshman Ready for First Day of Existential Crisis

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

Pictured in the photo above, Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson? Yeah, that’s probably Gary Johnson. us in 2012, but I am not about to let that homeopathy-denying, GMO-eating ignoramus almost win again. That third place is as good as mine, and we will take it or die trying.”

Former Bernie Sanders supporters are flocking to support Johnson and Stein, contributing to Johnson’s poll increase.

Jen Malinowski, for example, once a die-hard Sanders fan, is considering voting Libertarian. “I was genuinely surprised when Clinton won the Democratic nomination — everyone I’m following on Tumblr was voting for Bernie, so I thought he had it in the bag,” she said, “I am glad to know that there is another option, even if this one won’t magically pull free college

Local “edgy” artists decide to go through blue phase Except for that one asshole Zach

and healthcare out of his ass.”

“We are not concerned by Johnson’s rise in the polls,” said a Trump campaign spokesman, when reached for comment. “We believe that Mr. Trump will be able to deal with this new opponent as efficiently as he did with Trump Hotels and Casinos Resorts, Trump Entertainment Resorts, his chances with Hispanic voters, and his first two marriages.

We prefer to focus our efforts on defeating Clinton, a dangerous candidate whose values and attitudes are diametrically opposed to ours and must be stopped at all costs.”

“We are not concerned by Johnson’s rise in the polls,” said a Clinton campaign spokes-

woman, when reached for comment. “We believe that Mrs. Clinton will be able to deal with this new opponent as efficiently as she did with her email scandal, the US Embassy in Benghazi, Operation Fast and Furious, and the sniper fire she landed under in Bosnia.

We prefer to focus our efforts on defeating Trump, a dangerous candidate whose values and attitudes are diametrically opposed to ours and must be stopped at all costs.”

Governor Johnson himself expressed confidence, however. “Normally, I don’t speak to reporters, but I’m just excited that somebody recognized me,” he said, “Mom and Dad will be so proud!”

Birds of a feather Shit together

Freshman Rachel Torres has been excited all summer for school to start and for her first real ground-shattering existential crisis at UCSD. “I’ve just been so ready to meet new people, experience the sights and culture of campus, and collapse from the stress of a 10 week system on day one!” said Torres. “I watched my brother go to college first, and since then I’ve been excited to come home on Thanksgiving, dead in the eyes and full of stories of how ‘mostly okay’ college is!”

Torres’ parents said they are proud of their daughter for pretending to be a true adult ready for everything

coming her way, when in reality she has no idea what she is doing and is terrified.

“My little girl grew up so fast,” said Mr. Torres, tearing up. “It seemed like just yesterday she was pestered with questions about her career path, and now she has decided what she will do for the rest of her life even before she was able to vote.”

When asked if she had done any prep for the first day, Torres responded, “Oh yes, of course, I’ve been looking over my economic books all summ— Oh God, oh God, oh God, what am I doing?! I don’t even like economics! Oh Jesus Christ, no. NO.”

Area Man Realizes after Four Hours That He’s Not in the Turn Lane Tim Douglas, 47, ruined his family dinner last Sunday after he accidentally pulled in behind a parked car instead of getting into the right turn lane at the intersection of Washington and First Street. Douglas, blissfully unaware that he was ruining the entire day for those that depended on him, waited behind the parked car for nearly four hours. Douglas spent the time occasionally muttering things like “man, this is taking a long time” and “Monday traffic here is always really bad,” and singing the chorus of “Don’t Stop Believing” to himself repeatedly. After realizing

his mistake, Douglas chuckled to himself and pulled back into traffic.

“I’m not sure what happened,” said Tim’s wife. “He said he would be home at 8 p.m. and came home at midnight. I asked him where he was and he said he was stuck in traffic, but he only works a few blocks away. We were supposed to go out to a fancy dinner at 8:30 to celebrate our son’s participation award from his Little League team, and instead our son just ate a stale Beef and Cheddar alone in an Arby’s and cried.

I hope he’s happy.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

September 21, 2016

Dakota Pipeline Helpfully Threatens Native Lands

PHOTO By daniel clinton

Here Energy Transfer Pipeline expert Ryland Jacobson illustrates Phase Two of how a pipeline malfunction would help the local American Indian lands of North Dakota. Not pictured: Phase Three, in which he brings in the penguins.

by Katherine Wood

E

Graphics Editor

nergy Transfer’s Dakota Access Pipeline, a projected crude oil pipe spanning North and South Dakota, Iowa, and Illinois, has received great praise in recent weeks for its groundbreaking role in addressing the historic issue of American Indian lands not being mistreated enough.

A diverse collection of American Indian tribes, including the Standing Rock Sioux, Cheyenne River Sioux, Iowa Tribe of Kansas and Nebraska, and Meskawi, as well as enthusiastic environmentalists, support the pipeline.

The pipeline is an unprecedented positive development promising eventual oil spills and damage to nearby reservation water supplies, an accomplishment strived for but not fully achieved by radioactive uranium contamination from abandoned United Nuclear Corporation mines dating back to 1979.

The pipeline's preparatory work was handled by

the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, whose official mission is to improve infrastructure in “environmentally conscious ways”, although unofficially their main goal was to see how many burial grounds it was possible to disturb with one pipe in a 200-square-mile area. The USACE reported that, despite the tribes having formerly resided on the surrounding lands prior to U.S. control, “Finders Keepers” was in effect, and if the tribes had any questions, they were only to be addressed in any professional capacity as “Losers Weepers.”

Given the choice between two routes, Energy Transfer chose the line closer to the Standing Rock Sioux reservation. The reservation’s presence incidentally was reportedly not indicated on company maps, likely out of consideration for the tribe’s soon-to-be ecstatic state upon the symbolic invasion of Indian lands and water supplies via pipeline.

Support of Dakota Ac-

cess Pipeline has been so strong that commencement of construction has been delayed due to interference from celebratory protests and camp-outs by hundreds of American Indians and environmentalists. Though the Dakota Access pipeline does not cross reservation lands, tribes are pleased that the pipeline is being built across sacred grounds formerly yielded under great pressure without tribal veto power, addressing the historic problem of Indian lands not being invaded enough by the U.S. “We don't want this black snake within our Treaty boundaries,” Standing Rock Sioux Tribal Chairman Dave Archambault II said in praise of the pipeline’s positive role in the legacy of native relations.

“We need to stop this pipeline that threatens our water. We have said repeatedly we don’t want it here. We want the Army Corps to honor the same rights and protections that were afforded to others, rights we were never afforded when it comes to our territories.” Pipe-

line officials have hailed this ringing endorsement.

Tribal officials are optimistic that this development will be even more destructive in the future due to historic lack of federal oversights and protections regarding Indian issues, such as recent EPA payments magnitudes of order below Senator John McCain’s estimate of costs to the Navajo nation from Gold King Mine spill damages. The Dakota Access pipeline also revives the spirits of those who have watched chronic underfunding for the Indian Health System fail to keep up with increasing medical inflation and population growth, as it provides a longawaited push to finally kick off widespread health disasters. However, the spirits the pipeline disturbs are not revived, merely vengeful.

Calculations show the Dakota Access pipeline was introduced just in time, as Native American lands hadn’t been threatened by the U.S. government in nearly 18 months, a record low.

continued from page 1:

Haunted

“uncreative ideas,” and for “being a total nerd.”

“What the dick are you doing with my company, man?!” wailed Jobs, his eyes two black holes of despair. “No headphone jack, but a freaking adapter dongle? Wireless headphones that cost almost as much as an iPhone 4? That’s the stupidest thing since the hockey puck mouse, but at least I had enough courage to own my mistake!”

Cook has been trying to stay steadfast against both Jobs and the negative feedback, but is visibly defeated, reportedly coming into work in sweatpants instead of adhering to the strict dresscode-mandated jeans.

“Look, in this industry you have to take risks to succeed.

Have we gone overboard in the pursuit of an iPhone so slim you could snap it like a cracker? Maybe. Okay, probably!” shouted Cook as Jobs screamed in his ear about his lack of a turtleneck. “But that’s beside the point. I have complete faith in my employees.

So when Jony Ives said ‘the headphone jack is for chumps, see ya sucka,’ I trusted him to make the right choice. I doubted him at first of course.

I mean, really, getting rid of the headphone jack? That’s crazy. But when Ives said ‘shut up, you old fogey,’ I realized he

had a point. It is for chumps. I know our consumers will realize that soon enough.”

Surprisingly, a large amount of Apple’s primary consumer base has actually vocally doubted the company’s recent choice in design.

“I’ve been with Apple since the Pippin console,” said Dave Stratas, self-proclaimed Apple lover, “but this may be a little too far. I love the normal Apple headphones, but I’m already low on funds from buying an Apple Watch Series 2, the iPhone 7, and the iPhone 7 Plus for when I’m feeling fancy. I feel like I could lose these wireless AirPods really easily. Oh well. I really have no other choice.”

Cook hopes that even though he’s feeling down because of the mixed reviews, doubts, and everlasting color wheel on his Macbook that Jobs’ ghost is causing, he will persevere. He’s trying as hard as possible to ignore all negative feedback and Jobs’ horrifying spirit to focus on Apple’s next big thing.

“I’ve found the best thing to do is to drown out his wailing and attempts to suck my soul into a barren hellscape with some music,” said Cook pulling out a pair of Bose headphones and plugging them into a Samsung Galaxy S7.

“Great quality on these things, it’s like he isn’t even here!”

Crouching Turtle, Hidden Turtle

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief...............................Barak Tzori Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor................Hannah Rosenblatt Content Editor.......................Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor..........................Ingrid Sorensen

Graphics Editor..........................Connor Gorry Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Copy Editor..................................Jaz Twersky Publicity Chair..........................Summer Davis Social Chair..............................Hannah Lykins Distribution Captain...................Daniel Clinton Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jen Windsor Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Sarah Cain Kenny Cheng Matt Cusolito Kelvin Do Chris Doherty Amin Fozi Kevin Glass

Our home improvement show never panned out.

Manon Girard Leo Grabowski Philip Hodgson Lawrence Kotornikov Nadia Link Nick Martin Natalie McLain

Matthew McMahon Alex Noftsier Elizabeth O’Neil Mansi Pandey Enid Partika Kavita Poduri Nicoletta Skaggs

Sinneva Stenburg Nikola Tiburcio Luke Tribble Surya Vohra Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. We made it. I’ll do my thanking now before I get selfish. Thank you to all the editors who worked so hard around moving in to put this whole thing together. The enthusiasm for jokes here may just be from not being around each other for all of summer, but it was great to see nonetheless. Another thank you to all the EICs before me.

Through them I have learned how psychotic one needs to be to handle a room full of psychotics. I remember how I felt walking in to Half Dome three years ago, and it’s not a completely different feeling than what I’m feeling now. The anxiety is still there, the drive to be the funniest person in the room. Only thing that’s changed is my title.

And I’m so grateful for that change. So here’s to a full and rich year of jokes, terrible, memorable, and everything in between.

Booster Club Big thanks to Jen for clearing out Trader Joe’s and for making us all into meatballs, and for making meatballs. Thank you Daniel and Lawrence for providing sodas and great value. Hannah, we skimmed some candy off the top so thanks for that. And a final huge thanks to John Weng for giving us the gift of citrus.

theMQ.org

September 21, 2016

Page 3

Tornado Unfairly Redistricts Communities, Republicans Say

By Barak Tzori Editor-in-Chief

T

ragedy struck mainland Iowa this week when the worst tornado in recent history ripped its way through Madison and Des Moines. However, some are saying that the real tragedy will only show itself downballot in November.

The F-4 tornado claimed 18 lives, displaced hundreds of families, and ruined countless Dungeons and Dragons campaigns. But 36-year old Republican senator up for reelection, Chuck Grassley, is asserting that the specifics of the devastation may be a little too convenient.

“Of course we must grieve the God-fearing Reaganites lost in this terrible disaster,” politicized senator Grassley at a campaign event. “And while we may not have all the answers in this moment, we certainly do have questions for the Democrats!”

The crowd swelled with cheers as Grassley began to rattle a series of questions that were mostly coherent despite speaking into an unplugged microphone.

“How is it that over 75 percent of those displaced by the tornados were registered Democrats? Does is seem a little strange that most tornado shelters are located in swing districts? Half of the gyms housing the newly homeless are also polling stations. Does that sound coincidental to you?”

Grassley’s Democratic opponent in the upcoming election, Patty Judge, responded to these and other allegations of foul weather play. “Are you serious?” Judge asked, before returning to help lift rubble away from what used to be someone’s

PHOTO By jen windsor

“Toto, I don’t think we’re in District 134A anymore,” said Judge. childhood home.

“I do not know why this happened to us,” Grassley continued to babble.

“Whether it was Obama’s ‘global warming’ or the growing sodomite population, time and time again we are left to ask — why does God let bad things happen to good Republicans?”

Former Ninth Street Des

Moines residents and registered Democrats, the Partridge family were asked if their nominee’s lack of answers to Senator Grassley’s questions will raise problems for them in the fall. The couple, both weeping over burnt and destroyed photo albums they will never get to look through again, failed to comment.

Grassley continued his tirade on the scientific phenomenon: “While Patty Judge stays quiet about the tornado, we will fight onward and expose these partisan natural disasters for what they are — the direct consequence of the loose n’ wild, big government spending machine!”

Swift actions by the Obama administration to send Iowa funds from FEMA only served to flame Grassley’s narrative. “And now the long arm of the law has come to bail us out,” said the senator, thick with sarcasm.

“But we don’t need help here in Iowa, do we?” declaimed Grassley, drawing wild cheers from his rally crowd. “No, here in Iowa we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We don’t need help getting up and we certainly don’t help others get up!”

Grassley wrapped up his speech with gusto. “But have no fear. Come November we will blow the Democrats away. They won’t know what hit ‘em. They’ll wish they were back in Kansas! Mark my words, we will sweep the ballots like a tornado through a cornfield!”

Judge submitted a request to push this week’s debate between the candidates to a later date in order to focus on the rebuilding effort in the state. Grassley retorted by accusing Judge of dodging the pressing issues at hand. Judge, who was at the time standing in the remains of a pink bedroom, holding the dismembered arms of a teddy bear and a seven-year-old, which were inseparable from each other yet separated from themselves, could not be reached for comment.

Only Good Roles for Actresses Over 50 are as Asian Men, Tilda Swinton Shows

By Jen Windsor

A

MQ Cool Aunt

s Doctor Strange is set for release in early November, with a projected opening weekend box office in the hundred millions, more actresses are realizing that Tilda Swinton’s strategy of finding work with a decrepit over-50 woman’s body may be the best option left.

Swinton will be playing “the Ancient One,” a character who in the comics, was born in Tibet and lived in the Himalayas in his youth.

Swinton, an actress who was born in England, and lived in the British Isles in her youth, stated that adapting to the role was difficult. However, she asserted it was “better than playing an invisible person for the rest of your life.”

In an interview following the opening weekend of Still Alice 2: Even Stiller Even Sadder Stillectric Boogaloo, star actress Julianne Moore commented on her film’s disappointing turnout, explaining that “I’m just too old to be a woman anymore, even playing someone with Alzheimer’s. It was only a matter of time, though — everyone knows women cease to exist around age 55.” Moore went on to praise Swinton’s new tactic as “inspired,” celebrating how Swinton “gamed the anti-woman, anti-POC system and transformed it into merely an anti-POC system.”

With Matt Damon set to star in a film about the Great Wall of China, audiences seem to be comfortable with or at least resigned to a white man portraying an Asian man, so a white woman portraying an Asian man is “really just the logical next step,” according to film critic Molly Haskell. “The clear progression will be for cinema to

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TOP Ten

Problems Hiding Under Your Kitchen Sink 10. A smaller kitchen sink 9. Your downstairs neighbors 8. The bleach and ammonia are getting too cozy together 7. Your foot — you’ve been stuck here for hours 6. The dorm cleaning service hasn’t come by all weekend so the garbage can is becoming sentient 5. A shittier Narnia 4. All that existential dread 3. My secret stash of gobstoppers just happens to be right next to the detergent pods 2. A giant monster, according to your son, and you’re definitely not going to be the one to find out 1. Everything but the kitchen sink

PHOTO By katherine wood

Pictured here is the production of Harold and Kumar 4: Journey to the Surface of the Sun. Not pictured: Helen Mirren playing the role of Kumar. eventually consist entirely of white male actors, and then we’ll have returned to Shakespeare’s golden age of acting.”

Some moviegoers have expressed displeasure at the casting of white actors and actresses as characters of other races, calling it “disrespectful,” “whitewashing,” and “wait, how is this still happening — it’s 2016.”

Doctor Strange co-writer Jon Spaihts defended the casting choice by saying that the character “is not Asian in the movie adaptation, and his — er, I mean, her — living in Tibet in the movie has nothing to do with the original race of the character and really lots of white people live everywhere and does Asia even exist in real life?

And, uh, you get white when

you combine every color together, right? So actually, this casting is super progressive.”

Spaihts then muttered “Everyone always tries to make me look racist” and refused to comment further.

“You can’t have it both ways,” Doctor Strange director Scott Derrickson added.

“Either people of color can be represented in movies, or older women. Both would be too much.” Derrickson went on to say that by having a woman who was “Hollywood elderly” star in a mainstream, high-budget film, he was “being charitable, frankly, like adopting an old dog from a rescue shelter.”

Derrickson explained in further detail the situation’s complexity. “We all know practices like yellowface are

insensitive and unacceptable today. So why not make the character white so that we can cast a white person with no issues?” When asked about the possibility of casting Asian actors in the role, Derrickson tilted his head in confusion and asked for clarification on the term “Asian actor.”

Swinton’s new book, to be released in January 2017, will be entitled “Surviving Sexism through Whitewashing.” She has said that it will be unrelated to her role in Doctor Strange. However, when asked about the inspiration for the book, Swinton quipped, “Let’s just say I learned it all from a wise old Asian man— er, I mean, a wise old androgynous Celtic mystic.”

Our hat’s backwards so you know we mean business.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 4

theMQ.org

September 21, 2016

Recently Reopened Planned Parenthood Re-closed

Student Happy to Spend Entire Summer and Bank Account on Internship

PHOTO By connor gorry

The CEO walked in muttering under her breath, “I hate it when these interns try to hand me their resume.”

By Nadia Link

A

PHOTO By lawrence lee

Not pictured: a third Planned Parenthood, which is neither open nor closed until it is observed by the naked eye.

By Summer Davis and Jen Windsor

T

Publicity Editor and MQ Cool Aunt

he national debate over reproductive rights took yet another unexpected turn as a Texas abortion clinic was re-closed for the 47th time since its opening in 2011. Texas is known for its rejection of the Roe v. Wade ruling, causing its official count of operational abortion clinics to alternate between nine and one on any given day. A recent addition to that legacy has been Texas’ HB 2, known as the “Omnibus Abortion Bill,” which was struck down by the Supreme Court of the United States for being unconstitutional.

This August, in an attempt to uphold their inspiring state motto of “Perseverance in Insisting We’re Right to the Point of Absurdity,” the Texas legislature has drawn up a new bill, HB 3. Nicknamed “Cruise Ship Abortion Bill,” HB 3 requires doctors

performing any part of their job at a women’s health clinic to have admitting privileges at a country club within 10 miles of the clinic. It further outlines that clinic hallways must be nine feet wide — wide enough for 2.25 gurneys to pass by each other — and have two five-star restaurants (with gluten-free and vegan options), as well as a hotel with room service for visitors and patients. These, among other restrictions, have been defended by the bill’s backers as “necessary to ensure women’s health,” “a vital protection to the safety of women and their children,” and “totally not targeting abortion clinics and those bastards at Planned Parenthood.”

Texas senator and former presidential nominee Ted Cruz is one such backer, and in fact is one of the authors of the bill; he claims to have made the “most important contribution” of naming the bill. Political analyst Gloria Davidson suggests that this

FAQ Freshman Flowchart

I’m signed up for six classes this quarter.

Is that too much?

move might be an attempt to recoup his losses from the 2016 presidential campaign.

Cruz denied this, stating, “This is just a post-presidential dropout sad thing that’s happening in my mid-forties and coincides with the purchase of a sweet red convertible — oh God, it’s a midlife crisis.”

Katelyn Lee, the Planned Parenthood clinic director of Waco, indicated that the stress of constantly closing and reopening her clinic was overwhelming. “Yesterday I had a job, but since it was to close the clinic again, today I don’t. I think I have to reopen the clinic tomorrow, or maybe it’s the day after that? Either way we’re scheduled for another closure next week.”

Lee expressed dismay at the new regulations proposed by HB 3, stating that “My professors never taught me the intricacies of building regulations during the four years I spent at nursing school! Probably because it has nothing to with providing health care, but what do I

know about that?” However, Lee was excited for one component of the new law, saying that she is prepared for her new duties as a room service provider. “I have a sexy maid costume from Halloween that I’ve been dying to try out.”

Waco community member and nominee for Best Picketer in Waco for the second year in a row, Blake Underwood, agreed wholeheartedly with the new regulations.

“The day that the Supreme Court overturned HB 2, a law that had a direct effect on me, was the worst day of my life.

But now that we have HB 3, women’s health and safety can be protected through the distribution of five-star meals and quality service.”

When confronted with statistics demonstrating that legal abortion is safer than childbirth, Underwood pulled a picket sign out of his jacket that read “God Hates ____” and promptly filled in the blank space with the word “facts.”

As a new student, college can be hard. There are so many things to do and so many empty hallways to get lost in. You wouldn’t dare stop to ask a senior for help — they’re so intimidating with their subtle alcoholism and general apathy. Luckily, we’ve created this flowchart that should answer any and all questions you may have. If your question isn’t here, you didn’t ask it.

Is Chem 6A hard?

Can I smoke on campus?

What is your high school GPA? Yes, but only if you own a cool pair of sunglasses.

YES. 3.0

3.5

4.0

Very hard.

Moderately hard.

Only if you do a lot of foreplay.

Ok, well this is my schedule. Can you take a loo—

NO.

Alright. Can I at least go to academic advising with my questions?

Sorry, we only do walk-in appointments.

If I’m an international student, does the Freshman 15 still apply to me?

Yes, it’s the Freshman £11.54.

How do I stop myself from losing my keys?

Wear a lanyard. They’re helpful, fashion-friendly, and in no way ostracizing.

Where is the student org for all the students who were ASB presidents at their high school?

Where is the student org for all the students who hate free press?

A.S.

if all else fails...

Google it.

Staff Writer

s the academic year starts again at UCSD, most returning students will be entering the lecture halls, reminiscing with their friends and sharing tales of traveling, partying, and general debauchery. But returning senior Will Johnson, spent his summer doing something even better, the one thing all college students crave more than free food: slaving his summer away at an unpaid internship.

“It was such an educational experience,” said Johnson.

“Every day that I worked was dramatically the same. I made copies, got coffee, answered phones, and more! I mean, I’m not entirely sure how that translates to becoming a chemical engineer... but still!”

Every year, thousands of generous companies open internship opportunities to students, selflessly offering “invaluable experience” and “resume building” as payment, exactly what a debt-ridden young adult needs to survive.

With students realizing just how worthless a 130,000 dollar college education can be, the internship market has become just as rewarding and full of opportunities as the actual job market. That is why many young individuals are willing to do anything to secure that prestigious internship that will guarantee them a 39.5 percent chance of getting a job after graduation, instead of the measly 38.6-percent chance faced by graduates without internships.

“When I was first interviewed by the recruiter, they told me that there were 41 other potential candidates. I had already applied to 27 other companies and this was my backup so I was pretty desperate,” Johnson explained. “They said I had to do a background check that would cost me 60 dollars. If I didn’t do it, I’d be

crossed off the list of potentials, so I paid up.”

Once Johnson’s background checked out, he went in for a second interview. “After that, I had to pay for access to their website, a professional portrait for my ID card, a rental company computer, material fees for all the office supplies I might use, access to the Keurig, and a bathroom pass. And this was all before officially getting the job. I was upset at first but then I realized that it was necessary to separate the determined candidates from the regular applicants who weren’t willing to do whatever it took.”

The financial requirements did not end there. “I received the call two days later that I had gotten the job, but the requirements had changed. In order to avoid being sued for labor law violations, they required that I receive college credit for the position.” Johnson proceeded to contact the campus registrar and was advised that he would have to pay for the units. “I depend on financial aid — which doesn’t cover internships — so I asked about working as a ‘volunteer’ to avoid paying but that was a non-option. Later, I realized that the company was just acting in my best interest.

Work experience is great but they wanted to make sure that I got something tangible from my time with them. I may have had to work insane hours, not sleep, and see a shrink from all the anxiety, but at the end of the day, the company truly cared about my wellbeing.”

By the time Johnson started his internship, he had paid nearly 2,100 dollars out of pocket. “Getting the internship was stressful and the work was even more intense but all my hard work paid off. By the end of the internship, my supervisor mostly knew my name and even told me that someday, if I’m lucky, I might make a great entry level employee! And only for 8,479 dollars!”

TOP Ten

Reasons to Love Election Years 10. You really love seeing rich white people tell you why they’re exactly like you 9. Stealing yard signs is your favorite pastime 8. You were in danger of forgetting about 9/11 7. You were born on Election Day, so you only get to celebrate your birthday during election years 6. None. Your father was killed by an election year 5. You get to see Jimmy Fallon do impressions of people he’s not good at doing impressions of 4. You’re treated like the one-dimensional demographic you always knew you were 3. It’s a Goodyear™ for corporate sponsorships 2. Every election year is four years closer to the earth being absorbed into the sun 1. Free stickers

September 21, 2016

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Man Gets Athlete’s Foot, Finds It in His Mailbox

EDITORIAL

That Rainbow in the Sky is Too Radical

BY Mrs. Martha McConnery

Concerned Citizen

I

“Wait, if there’s a foot in my mailbox, then what’s in my shoe right now?” asked Ella.

BY COLE GREENBAUN

T

Content Editor

his past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s foot after finding a muscular, bloody foot in his mailbox.

“I just don’t know how this could happen,” said Ella. “I make sure I keep everything clean at all times, and that includes scrubbing down every nook and cranny whenever I think some moisture may be trapped anywhere. How this could come along and make everything all disgusting is beyond me.” Ella’s predicament has caused fear among some of his neighbors who believe they may also be subject to the spread of an athlete’s foot to their mailboxes, after hearing it could be contagious.

“I just don’t feel safe living next to him now,” said Ella’s neighbor Sarah Sissle. “I’ve

shaken hands with him and been around him, and we’ve even played hacky sack barefoot together in his backyard.

Now that I’m associated with him, how do I know I won’t be this outbreak’s next victim? I have a track meet next week and I can’t put my best foot forward with all this dragging me down!”

As news of the potential epidemic spread, antifungal medication company Lotrimin decided to take advantage of the situation and set up the first ever Lotrimin storefront down the street from Ella’s neighborhood. In addition to selling their antifungal cream meant to “prevent the spread of fungus that comes with an athlete’s foot” the storefront has also started selling bear traps, individual Lego blocks, and metric rulers to ward off any and all feet.

Lotrimin’s arrival, in the form of the storefront and a convenient deodorant powder spray, has done little to

quell the rising fears in the community. Parents have begun sending their kids to school wearing heavy parkas and snow pants as protective gear and sans backpacks to ensure no wayward feet are brought home. Most mailboxes in town have been removed, destroyed, or burned.

“It’s just not safe anywhere anymore,” said local man Jeff Wizee at a communal mailbox burning. “It’s all over the news how my family could be next, that I’m not safe with my own mailbox, and how there’s nothing I can possibly do to stop this.

The only rational course of action is to freak out as much as possible. At least I can take some comfort in watching these mailboxes go up in smoke, just like my sanity.”

Authorities have issued a statement to the “freaked out” community members about Ella’s athlete’s foot, telling them not to worry about this outbreak.

“After inspecting the ap-

PHOTO By connor gorry

pendage left at Mr. Ella’s house, we have discovered that this seems to be a harmless prank by some kids. The foot seems to be from a young student athlete from the high school, sawed off with a Stanley Solid Frame High Tension Hacksaw, before being snapped at the bone and deposited at Mr. Ella’s house that very night. It’s merely kids being kids.”

A week after the original case of athlete’s foot, the number of people struck with athlete’s foot remains at one. The number of injuries caused by stampedes of people buying anti-feet products at the Lotrimin store, the forest fire started by the mailbox burning, and children overheating in their “protective gear” has skyrocketed to a total of 124.

In unrelated news, local student runner Johnny Lewis is on the mend after losing his foot and is expected to make a full recovery, despite being diagnosed with a fungal infection in his stump.

FDA Approves Dave’s Thursday Night Plans to “Hang with the Guys”

BY Barak Tzori and Jen Windsor

Editor-in-Chief and MQ Cool Aunt his week, the Food and Drug Administration approved pharmaceutical CEO Dave Forfa’s plans to “just go grab some wings and catch the game” this upcoming Thursday. After a fairly rigorous testing process, the FDA affirmed the plans were harmless, citing only that they would have “preferred a little more heads up beforehand.”

At the beginning of the approval process, Forfa had many early versions of his plans dismissed by the FDA. Director Susan Mayne cited a number of reasons for rejection ranging from “That place is going to be packed on Thursdays” to “Don’t invite Thomas when you know Jessica is going to be there” to “Over 65 percent of trial rats given these plans exhibited a decreased rate of brain development.”

Once the two sides reached a set of plans they were both comfortable with, the FDA released a statement announcing and discussing the approval.

“I’m sure Mr. Forfa and his friends will have fun at the bar. We distinctly remember us making plans last week to catch up on the new season of Daredevil that night, but it’s okay if he wants to do his own thing. We know Davey needs to feel autonomous in this relationship, and we appreciate the gesture of asking us first. But sometimes it just feels like he’s always trying to find ways to leave the house.

T

PHOTO By barak tzori

“Man, it’s really not like it used to be,” said Forfa. “Whenever I take Getting Beers with the Bros pills I now have to take hangover pills afterwards too.”

Are we too boring? Are we not fun enough to go out and watch the game with him?

You know what, we hope he has a great time with this buddies and his wings. Oh and don’t think we haven’t seen the way Dave’s been looking at the EPA.” Forfa, CEO of It’s My Life and I’ll Do What I Want Pharmaceuticals, announced that the company was satisfied with the final version of the plans and that the company had reached “the best possible compromise that could be achieved, given the numerous hoops to jump through, the FDA’s unreasonably high standards, and its completely unfounded jealousy.” Stockholder Mike Hong, Dave’s friend and coworker at the Starbucks where

they work part-time, supported the CEO’s decision and said it would undoubtedly increase stock values, especially if Dave were to cut ties with the FDA following Thursday’s release of the plans. “I know it’s frowned upon to make black-market plans,” Hong asserted, “but Dave has a lot of potential he could execute if he could move forward with plans without running them past a government agency.”

Since Forfa’s announcement, several of his acquaintances have begun to make similar plans with their friends, including “ribs and the game,” “burgers and the game,” and even “fondue and the opera,” from “that rich bastard Alex.” Forfa told an insider that he will not pursue

copyright infringement at this time, despite the suspicious similarities of these plans to his own. “I barely got my plans past the FDA,” Dave said. “Let’s see if the SEC will go for fondue when they find out Alex is inviting his ex and how overpriced fondue is.”

Following the initial press release, Forfa has cut ties with the FDA, citing “feeling smothered” by the process of approval for Thursday’s plans. “The clinical trials really pushed it over the edge,” Forfa admitted. “Now all that’s left to do is move on to Friday’s plans, since I guess I’ll be free then.”

The FDA has since issued a recall for all bobby pins dispersed in Dave’s apartment, as well as the comfy bean bag and a green toothbrush.

saw a rainbow in the sky yesterday, right in between a cloud and a patch of blue, and I’m not saying I have a problem with it — rainbows are allowed to exist, you know, of course — but do they have to be in my face about it? Rainbows can be in places like San Francisco, no problem, it’s their personal business, but that place is so foggy, it’s like it’s made for them.

But they should stay there and not come barging into my sweet little neighborhood — we never had this sort of thing before. It’s bad enough we have rain sometimes without acting as if that’s a good thing. This is a nice decent sunny area, which should have blue skies, the occasional fluffy white cloud, and advertising blimps.

Rainbows are just so brazen — what if my children saw it? How am I supposed to explain atmospheric conditions to them? What if they decided multi-hued life was the way to go, and stopped respecting my normal monochrome

approach? I don’t really understand it, I don’t get rainbows, and I just think my kids shouldn’t have to see things like that until they’re older.

It’s not like that was ever covered in my high school curriculum, nobody thought things of that sort were necessary for us back then — you have to teach kids to abstain from that stuff. Just say no to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and all that. No other method is 100-percent effective. I simply don’t want my little darlings going anywhere near rainbows — they’re all misty and colorful and who knows what’s in that? They could turn into leprechauns and die!

And look, I’m not unreasonable — my kids can study this kind of stuff in college if they really want to. People explore all sorts of ridiculous radical ideas there that no one cares about in the real world. Still, I hope they choose something more sensible and normal. I’m thinking maybe Egyptology or theoretical physics.

I’m not into political stuff like that showing up in my neighborhood is all. I have a Constitutionally-guaranteed right to my opinion, and my opinion is that the weathermen should stop putting rainbows in the skies by my house.

This is propaganda from the Weathermen’s Union, and I won’t stand for it! I’m going to start a petition. If all my neighbors sign it, maybe the government will put up something in the sky to protect us.

Like a wall.

TOP Fifteen

Similarities Between Meeting Your Roommates and the Cuban Missile Crisis 15. Created a rift of tension for the next 40 years 14. You were an hour late for it 13. You went into it with the intent of imposing your ideology upon them 12. There was an implied “no takesies backsies” policy 11. Your mom is a little too excited about it 10. It’s a proxy battle between two superpowers that eventually ends in a detente about who gets to use the kitchenette sink 9. You read a lot of articles from “Seventeen” in advance for advice 8. You had been spying on your roommate with a U2 plane for months before it happened 7. Once again it’s because of those damn commies 6. If this goes on much longer you’d rather be waterboarded 5. The neighbors just don’t want to get involved 4. Leads to the dissolution of Yugoslavia 3. Not much, but your roommate does have a pretty sick beard 2. Cuba really isn’t the ideal location for this meeting 1. A lot of hype but ultimately no fallout Reluctantly crouched at the finish line.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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theMQ.org

One stop worth making on your UnOlympics journey is the bathroom in the Old Student Center. This bathroom has everything: a mostly clean toilet, an uninterrupted view of the ceiling of the bathroom, and a floor that hasn’t been defiled by the Phantom Pooper and marked as his own.

r

e ommod C t s e i l Clean Campus on

l e le v e

ing r Joust

i-Clicke

UCSD’s LXIX U n O ly m p i a d Games! al Pen

ic Zoolog

A fun, relaxing break from all of the festivities is a visit to the the Zoological Pen! Here they store the wild rabid dogs that every UnOlympic Village is required to have. These dogs keep all the athletes on their toes, making sure they do their best and don’t lie about any fake crimes.

This version of jousting brings athletes even nearer to the upclose action the sport is known for.

The best jousters keep-up-to date on i-Clicker technology, and only the newest, sleekest, and pointiest models are used.

Jousters then use an array of advanced footwork and dives to try and outwit their opponent, and special wrist straps and cases with spikes on them are also acceptable and common additions to combat-ready i-Clickers.

wa

rren

erc

e ERC Fir Come visit the scenic ERC Fire. Started in 1871 by a stray cow that wandered onto the campus and kicked over a lantern into a bale of hay, the ERC Fire has been burning fast and bright ever since. Watch as it destroys the limited housing ERC has, and sends its students running off to Warren.

turn tack Re S h s i HDH D

cenery Sixth S See the amazing view from Sixth, unseen by most! If you go out on your balcony at just before dawn you will get a glorious view of the Northern lights. If you’re really lucky you may even be able to see Russia from your house.

The “HDH Dish Stack Return,” a crowd favorite, returns this UnOlympiad, as students from all over campus compete to see who can stack dishes the highest and return them to Pines without tripping and causing an avalanche of plastic and spare food.

Students are allowed to stack dishes from anywhere on campus; however, recent cheating allegations have prevented students from storing spare dishes in their dorm rooms after Jimmy “Lots’a Plates” McDonnell returned after six minutes with a stack of dishes 87 plates high after storing them in his dorm closet for 14 consecutive weeks.

UnOlympics Athletes The UnOlympics isn’t just about the glory of the gold spray-painted shoe or the bragging rights of HAs, it’s also about celebrating the talented athletes that our university houses. With all those talented athletes now putting their efforts into Division I sports instead of UnOlympics, this year is a great opportunity to shine the spotlight on those with lesser-appreciated “athletic” attributes. Here’s a who’s who of the stars of this year’s UnOlympian teams.

You can tell just by looking a he’s not someone to mess with. Th Letterman’s j blazoned wi school’s lo you just fish he small pon from. H big man o that’s why t too small. A one must ha him by his face a else would Preston Oestepuerta on the jac “Oes College: Marshall

theMQ.org

September 21, 2016

Page 7

As the product of hundreds of dollars, the blood, sweat, and tears from weeks of effort, and boatloads of glitter-heavy signage, the LXIX UnOlympiad games are guaranteed to give you everything that Rio couldn’t. Get the scoop on all the latests athletes and events to watch! Plus, you’ll never get lost if you follow our clear map of important landmarks on UCSD’s modestly sized yet spacious campus.

9:53 ke Up at a o W I , s u ’s re Jes The “Oh Warren and TheSprint in ” . k r a.m inal in Yo 10 a.m. F Starting a measly four hours and 23 minutes after the crack of dawn, this event is where the early risers really shine.

Students use any means to get ahead in this tight race, with common practices including wearing streamlined, athletically designed pajamas, and using hollowed-out pencil substitutes with thinner than normal Scantrons for the obligatory “authentic finals supplies” runners must carry with them.

ee te Frisb

ma Penulti

We know the UnOlympics are going on right now, but who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of Frisbee? We’re not gonna keep score or anything, we’re just getting the guys together for a quick game or two. Trent got a new Frisbee and shirt with a collar on it so that’s pretty sweet, so we’re gonna go check that out and then go to Brent’s place for some brewskis.

se: le Cour id c a t s b ial A pe O Red Ta oad to Financ The R

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The infamous relay with close-aspossible-to-life-or-death-stakes is a crowd favorite and participant least-favorite event. Students scramble, cut, deface, destroy, and at times trip over all of the red tape between them and a somewhat partially funded college education. Deemed as one of the most difficult, convoluted, and unnecessarily large obstacle courses out there, it is one of UCSD’s greatest treasures.

tue of The StaGod Sun

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shal r a

Visit the largest Infinity Pool in the world, conveniently located right off the coast of Marshall.

Providing an indistinguishable transition to real ocean, the pool also provides those sweet ocean smells and a salty feel for extra authenticity.

at him that e you want hat pristine jacket, emith his high ogo, shows t how big a e was in the nd he came He was the on campus; the jacket’s And everyave known alone; why d the name cket not be stepuerta”?

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Deluxeinity Inf Pool of

A generous gift from the French sculptor Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi in 1886, the majestic Sun God Statue is perched off of Muir Coast and is the first to welcome all newcomers as they reach Triton shores. It is the most recognizable and poignant representation of UCSD’s love for freedom, justice, and everything collegiate.

ootball F D S C U Accommodations for this special event have been made to ensure all Tritons get that authentic college-football game experience. Top of the line basketballs act as a suitable replacement for those annoyingly non-circular footballs, and the event is hosted in the spacious RIMAC basketball courts. However, playing football in such unorthodox conditions does raise some concern for the safety of the players.

Therefore, the game will be played with adherence to traditional basketball rules. At times, even creativity has its setbacks.

deluxe infinity pool He’s known as the “Fastest Wrist in the West.” From his humble beginnings as the eighthgrade champion of his local Hungry Hungry Hippos circuit, Sharp is now the undisputed master of the flick, and will surely go down as a legend in the field of wrist athletics. His college is truly blessed to have him on their side. He is even more blessed that the UnOlympics features Steven Sharp no events relying on wrist strength, preCollege: Sixth serving his talent for more important feats.

Track and Field gold medalist three years in a row. All-time leader in most passing yards in a single season. Longest Tennis Match winning streak in university history. This athlete is perhaps one of UCSD’s most prolific and accomplished athletes, and she’s back again for the UnOlympics! Her presence is a surprise twist of events, since McDaniels retired from all sports whatsoever awhile ago, after she got in a car accident and died in 1974. But, no matter francine “dancin’ what, we are happy she shoes” mcdaniels is joining us once again to College: Warren lead us to the gold!

The doctor is in! This very enthusiastic pre-med student is a formidable force on the playing field. She’s learned the ins and outs of sports science to systematically eradicate any opponent with ruthless efficiency. She knows everything from the optimal quantity of electrolytes to mix into her sports drink to the exact amount of pressure to apply to all of your vital joints to make them phoebe tran snap clean in half.

College: Revelle

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theMQ.org

September 21, 2016

U.S. Makes Extra Small, Extra Large Wallets

EDITORIAL

Bus Driver Giveth, Taketh Away, Doesn’t Let You On

Adjusts to Income Inequality

By Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor

L

ead wallet producers across the nation are uniting to create new lines of wallets varying greatly in size, but all equally stylish. The shift in design was triggered by a mandate from Congress urging companies to create more accommodation for the severely unequal distribution of wealth in modern society.

“Everyone loves the feeling of having a full wallet, absolutely stuffed to the brim with cash,” explained Jeremiah Billingsley, spokesman for Fossil Wallets. “Now, we are bringing that joy to the cheap houses and shelters of thousands by giving them a size of wallet that they can fill up even with their disproportionally small amount of dough.”

The various wallet designs are meant to encourage inclusion, suiting the storage needs of every economic class of individuals. “Extra Large” sized wallets are the size of a hardcover dictionary, include up to 45 credit card slots, and can fit several large bundles of bills. Consumers can also choose to buy deluxe editions which include two slots for standard-sized bars of gold and a small yet spacious pouch for diamonds.

On the other end of the scale, petite wallets range from storage of about three bills to small circular pouches just large enough to fit a few quarters. Some models feature extra padding, to make them feel “just a little bit larger.” All sizes come in charcoal, navy, or chestnut, with either silver or gold lining available upon request.

“We hope to bring newfound satisfaction to the

By Edgar Shelley

Master of Macabre, Keeper of the Horror, Student

Y

“Don’t ever let them tell you size doesn’t matter,” said the U.S. Government. masses with these innovative storage containers for everyone’s greenbacks,” elaborated Billingsley. “With virtually no one left with a half-empty wallet, we’ve basically solved poverty in one clean sweep.

After all, no one can go hungry when they have a wallet that’s completely full; that automatically means there’s enough cheddar to go around.”

Congress is working alongside several wallet producers to make sure that governmental policy and the new wallet lines complement each other nicely. All wallets are constructed to be adjustable for inflation, able to be stretched out or shrunk along with the national economy. Additionally, a joint wallet-welfare plan has recently led to the release of a line of food stamp-optimized wallets complete with

an embroidered quote reading, “Hey, be happy you’re getting this much.”

When asked about whether there was an international market for the wallets, Billingsley said, “We are already setting up plans overseas, in order to try and combat poverty on a more global scale.

We’ve already come far with our marketing options in Mexico. We’ve adjusted the U.S. sizes to account for conversions of wealth, making the U.S. “Large” the Mexican “Extra Large” size, and so on. Accounting for different economic climates between countries is crucial to properly implementing this poverty quick-fix. We want to stress that fact that everyone, regardless of nationality, deserves to have their dough properly stored.”

Some critics of the mandate have worries that citi-

PHOTO By barak tzori

zens can’t be trusted with the responsibility of choosing their own wallet size. Accidental purchase of an oversized wallet could lead to consumers having unreasonably high expectations. However, U.S. wallet companies have already arranged strict production limits on different sized wallets to avoid confusion. Producers have agreed to not produce more than 100 of the extra-large sized wallets, Billingsley reported.

“If an individual trying to buy a proper wallet is unable to find a larger size, that’s a sign to them to look for a smaller one. There’s obviously not space for a lot of average consumers to fit into the Extra Large wallet category. However, they should be more than satisfied with one of our smaller options to stuff their Benjamins, or more likely, Washingtons into.”

Area Man Finds Key to Happiness in Meditation, Two Kilos of Cocaine

PHOTO By connor gorry

Stoffer was so over-brimmed with tranquility, enlightenment, and happiness, that he could be heard going “WOOOO FUCK YEAH!”

By Daniel Clinton

Disrtibution Captain

A

rea man Marcos Stoffer was in his apartment late Monday night when he had a breakthrough in his life-long search for the key to true happiness.

“Meditation was a tool I used to improve my mood, but it was always missing something,” Stoffer said. “And that something turned out to be approximately two kilograms of cocaine.”

For the last few months, Stoffer has been experimenting with drugs in a pursuit to find true happiness.

“Just last weekend I dropped acid while petting a cat and knew I was getting close. I gave acid to the cat and had him pet me, but Mr.

Whiskers has not looked at me the same after that.”

Described by his friends as “sadder than most,” Stoffer was desperate to find the key to happiness.

“Ever since I was a kid, people around me have tried to cheer me up and I wanted a way to return the favor.

And now I finally can, in the form of approximately two kilograms of cocaine.”

The next big step for Stoffer’s discovery is to get the DEA to reclassify its Class II designation of cocaine.

“Now that cocaine has a true medical purpose, we just have to wait for the DEA to recognize us. My combination of mediation with cocaine was the easy part. The hard part is going to get cocaine widely accepted by Americans. We are

still a few years off from old ladies snorting lines off their coffee tables.”

Stoffer’s parents commented “Please stop encouraging our son’s delusions. He has a serious drug problem. Marcos has developed an addiction to cocaine throughout his search for happiness. This indulgence of his lies will just make things harder. We have tried everything. Please do not run this news story.”

“My parents have always tried to hold me back,” Stoffer said. “They were never proud of me when I showed them how close I was getting to true happiness. They just kept throwing me really sad parties in which we sat in a circle and talked about our feelings.

Now I’ve found a way to make so many people happy though!

They will have to love me.”

After Stoffer starting talking to the media about his revolutionary find, his parents checked him into a rehabilitation facility, hoping for progress. His parents have described as his process as “slow, but showing promise.”

“At first I was hesitant to go [to the rehabilitation center].

I was never a fan of summer camp as a kid, but this place seems alright. The other patients are impressed when I talk about the key to happiness being meditation and approximately two kilograms of cocaine. A few of them even said they were going to try it when they got out of here. The counselors do not like it when I mention my discovery. America’s stigma towards cocaine will take time to overcome.”

ou are in line for the bus.

The line wraps around the corner of the block, towards the bottomless abyss of Never Getting to Class on Time.

You text 99932 to the Knower of the Bus Times. The Knower of the Bus Times texts you that there is a bus 20 minutes away and a bus 10 minutes away and a bus arriving now. There is no bus arriving now.

Twenty-three people were in line in front of you. Now there are 27 people in line in front of you. You have not moved, but the Bikers believe their status allows them to get in line at the front. You know that is not how lines work.

An empty bus rumbles by.

Its electric sign apologizes that it will not pick you up.

Sorry, you may not get on. The people in line shuffle but keep their heads tilted towards the ground. They are looking at their phones and have been late to class before. You have never been on time to class this quarter. Only one person at UCSD has. They are about to get on the empty bus that just passed by.

The person behind you

in line is standing too close.

The person behind you in line always stands too close.

It is always the same person.

You have never turned around to look at him because that would be rude.

There is a business professional in line for the bus. The business professional has a job. The business professional needs to ride the bus to get to her job. She is the only real person in line. You are not real. The bus is real. You will never be able to get on the bus because it is real and you are not. Maybe you will become real once you graduate. Maybe not.

A roaring beast stalks up the street behind you. You dare not turn. Do not look the bus in the eye, your mother has told you. It can smell lateness.

The doors open and the bus driver makes his beast kneel.

The bus driver was a camel driver in his past so he knows how. One person gets on the bus. Everyone in line takes one step forward. 26 more people get on the bus. 26 steps. The bus is not full yet. You can see into the bus now. The bus driver is a basset hound. The bus driver looks at your eyes. It is only by the grace of Colin Parent, the all-mighty and powerful Transit Policy Counsel, that there is a bus, the basset hound says. Be thankful, he says. The bus doors close.

“All things happen for a reason,” your best friend texts you. She is wrong. No things happen for a reason. Many reasons happen for no things.

You sit down on the bench and look at your phone. There are ghosts inside your phone.

You are in line for the bus.

TOP Ten

Similarities Between a DMV Office and the Mariana Trench 10. You can pee anywhere and no one will care 9. At least the water cooler is full 8. Threat of drowning, in paperwork or otherwise 7. Both are Paul Simon’s 37th way to leave your lover 6. Scientists know more about the surface of the moon than how this place functions 5. The rich visit it in a multi-million dollar contained machine that separates their atmosphere from the world around them and provides pneumatic grasping claws to ward off any local fauna that approaches 4. Natural light never penetrates the area 3. James Cameron still isn’t back 2. The existence of living creatures there is a testament to nature’s adaptability 1. You have to go there to renew your driver’s license

They still don’t know who killed JFK.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

September 21, 2016

theMQ.org

Local Diner Overhauls Menu, Serves Only "Shit Sandwiches"

U C SD ’ s

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Back-to-School DAN C E !

September 23, 2010 Warren Field Featuring

all the big hits of today!

m Jeans!

Apple Botto Dynamite !

Tik Tok!

schedule PHOTO By connor gorry

Daniel choked down his Shit Sandwich quietly, knowing he could never justify how the sandwich handled race relations in the early to late 90s.

By Christopher Jin

Assistant Content Editor

E

agles' Cafe, a popular local restaurant, has implemented drastic menu changes as part of a general overhaul of the restaurant's branding, expected to continue into this November. The restaurant's menu, originally consisting of typical American diner fare, has been reduced to two items, both of which are variations on a selfdescribed "shit sandwich," consisting of a dollop of human feces between two slices of sourdough bread.

The two varieties of the sandwich are differentiated through their condiments. The "Blue Shit Sandwich" features bleu cheese ranch dressing, while the "Red Shit Sandwich" is adorned with red chili flakes.

While cafe owner Cora Perette insists that the two are "wildly different flavor adventures," many recent patrons of the

restaurant have struggled to find anything past the feeling of fecal matter in their mouths.

Still, while customers agree that the new menu choices are of poor quality, some have quickly grown attached to the new menu items and have coalesced into factions to defend their sandwich of choice.

Ella Fante, an enthusiastic member of the so-called "Red Sandwich Coalition," was more than happy to share her criticisms of the Blue Shit Sandwich.

"The Blue Shit Sandwich?

You can't trust it!” scoffed Fante. “Bleu cheese, that's the one that literally has mold in it, right? See, the Blue Shit Sandwich is rotten to its core!

That's why I'll only eat Red Shit Sandwiches, thank you very much. Look — look over at the other table, the one with the Blue Shit Sandwich! Look at how it's stacked!

Crooked, I tell ya!"

On the other side of the aisle, Don Key, a constituent of the "Blue Sandwich Caucus," acknowledges that he is defending a sandwich composed of human excrement, but insists that, at the very least, the Blue Shit Sandwich is better than the Red Shit Sandwich.

"Just think about what happens if you get chili flakes in your eyes,” said Key. “At least getting bleu cheese in your eyes isn't a medical emergency. That's gotta count for something, right? I mean, sure. It's a sandwich made of shit. I get that. But that's the choice we've got, so I might as well choose the less-shitty shit sandwich."

Cafe regulars not involved in the "Sandwich Debate" have expressed their discontent in various ways. Longtime customer Libby Greene expressed disbelief at the idea

that only Shit Sandwiches remained on the menu.

"It can't be just two shit sandwiches, right?” protested Greene. “There's gotta be a third non-shit item somewhere right? I swear I saw that Cora Perette lady throwing a box of lettuce into the storeroom in the back. Maybe it's like In-N-Out. If I ask politely, they'll still make me a normal sandwich, right? Right?"

Other dissatisfied customers are less optimistic. Ron A. Wei, a former regular at the cafe, is now looking for a new restaurant to call home.

"It's a shame, you know.

I thought we had a real nice thing going at Eagles’ Cafe,” said Wei. “But if Shit Sandwiches are the future? Sorry, not having any of that. Now I'll just have to find a new place to spend lunch break at.

I hear there's this place just to the north of here that has really good poutine."

California Union Union Members Go On Strike, Halting California Union Strikes

By Lawrence Lee

T

Web Editor

he California Union Union, the largest California professional “union union,” which protects union union members working in unions, went on strike Friday, effectively ceasing most of California’s unions’ current strikes and effectively resuming regular work for most of California’s unions’ members.

The CUU cited a stoppage of regular wages, zero working hours, and a thorough lack of gratitude as reasons for its massive strike against California’s rankand-file unions.

“Unions simply aren’t paying union workers on strike enough to support themselves and their families,” said Arlene Holt-Baker, the CUU’s Primary Strike Organizer in Northern California. “You would think that organizations that help workers would be humane enough to consider that employees on strike don’t get paid, but I guess not.”

“In addition, union workers really deserve more thanks and respect for the work they do to benefit their colleagues,” continued HoltBaker. “When’s the last time you said thanks to your buddy the union rep?”

The California Construction Federation (CCF) is one of the largest unions with an ongoing strike put on hold by the CUU’s union worker strike.

“It is unfortunate that the CUU has decided to strike during our strike,” responded CCF Head Union Representative Arlene Holt-Baker

6:00 6:30 7:30 8:00

Dance starts!

Passing out the 40 glowsticks we have!

Sally might show up.

I heard she got her ears pierced!

End of dance.

Strict curfew!

tles!!!

Bouncy Cas

At le a light st two di s at b ffere n lindi ng ca t colore pacit d y!

warning:

No hands between neck and ankle!

Professor Heinrich will be walking around with a ruler to make sure you leave room for a second edition physics textbook!

NO KISSING!

PHOTO By connor gorry

“So wait, if the union union protects the union… who protects the union union?” asked Jeff, to everyone else’s groans of frustration. to Holt-Baker’s comments.

“As our union workers now refuse to perform their onstrike duties of not reporting to work, they have no choice but to perform their not-onstrike duties of reporting to work, where they face insufficient wages, excessively long working hours, and a lack of substantial consideration for worker safety.”

The company with the most employees in the CCF is Bulldoors, Billurs, & Puellers (BBP), a construction firm with over fifteen major ongoing construction projects across California. In response to news of the CUU strike and the resultant interruption in the CCF strike, BBP Senior Negotiator Ar-

lene Holt-Baker released a statement affirming that it would resume construction throughout the state.

“While we did not come to an agreeable conclusion with the CCF, we are delighted to welcome our employees back and will immediately begin efforts to realign with our proposed project timelines,” said Holt-Baker.

After a lengthy discussion between the CUU and unions affected by the strike, such as the California Construction Federation, the two parties agreed to conclude the strike on the condition that a basic anonymous feedback pool be established for union members to thank other union members.

Following the accord between the CUU and the CCF, the CCF resumed negotiations with the companies affected by the paused strike, such as Bulldors, Billurs, & Puellers, on how to better improve the construction workers’ lives and safety.

At press time, Holt-Baker was seen furiously arguing with Holt-Baker on the legalities of whether to pay BBP’s construction interns, with Holt-Baker observing the proceedings as a member of the union delegation. HoltBaker and Holt-Baker could not be reached for further comment, but Holt-Baker was overheard muttering that “that Holt-Baker can be a real stubborn jackass.”

Too cheap for beer, too classy for wine.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 10

THE MQ

theMQ.org

September 21, 2016

Amateur Acupuncturists Under Fire for Unknowingly Administering Vaccines

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A cheap space where I can sell things and also where I can find other people I have awkwardly glanced at too many times, preferably in paper format.

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President Erdogan Outlines New Plan to Use Ataturk Rolling Over in Grave as Renewable Energy Source

PHOTO By lawrence lee

Somehow nobody noticed the giant new label on what used to be their needle disinfecting tub.

By Lawrence Lee

Web Editor he California-based A.A.A.A.A.A. (Association of Amateur Acupuncturists and Alternative Ailment Alleviators) announced that over the past year, some of its members had accidentally administered vaccines to patients. This revelation generated significant outrage in the alternative medicine community, which heavily frowns upon the practice of thoroughly-researched, scientifically proven medical methods.

“We have unfortunately confirmed at least fifty cases of our members unwittingly performing the popular yet distasteful medical procedure known as ‘immunization,’” the A.A.A.A.A.A. said in their public statement on the incident. “We deeply apologize for any inconvenience or health benefits that this may have caused.”

The issue came to prominence in part because of the high volume of complaints patients submitted to the AASB (AASB Ain’t Science Board), which oversees the A.A.A.A.A.A. and other similarly small alternative medicine organizations.

“Around six months ago, we started getting a fairly consistent flow of patient complaints lodged against various acupuncture practitioners in California,” said AASB president Sharon Wheedle. “Initially, we couldn’t make the connection between the complaints, but once we got enough data points, we realized that all the complaints came from patients of A.A.A.A.A.A. members.”

The most common complaint, in 76 percent of reports, was that after the culprit acupuncture session, patients did not become sick with their normally expected illnesses.

“Every summer in the past few years, everyone in my family has gotten chickenpox without fail,” said one patient

T

in their report. “But somehow I missed out on it this year? No way that’s a coincidence.”

“It’s flu season, and my son is getting picked on by the other kids because he’s the only one without the flu,” said another.

“I depend on our acupuncturist to do two things: relieve my son’s chronic back pain and allow him the full sickness-filled bedridden lifestyle that he so very deserves. That they can’t even fulfill both is a breach of our sacred trust.”

The second most common complaint, in 44 percent of reports, regarded the medical rigor with which the vaccines were delivered. Patients filed complaints that their acupuncture room was “unnervingly clean,” that the needle looked “just too sterile,” and that the acupuncturist “washed their hands with soap and water.” These conditions aroused suspicions of the true nature of needles, prompting patients to file reports.

The AASB’s investigation unearthed that the A.A.A.A.A.A. had packaged hospital-grade vaccines, purchased from a reputable major pharmaceutical company, along with some of the acupuncture needles that A.A.A.A.A.A. members can order in bulk as a membership privilege. In response, the A.A.A.A.A.A. claimed that they use vaccines to improve the build quality of their acupuncture needles and that the shipping of those vaccines to members was “pure human error, plain and simple.”

“As an alternative medicine organization, we strive to better the lives of our members, and through them, the well-being of our patients as well,” concluded the A.A.A.A.A.A. statement.

“We can only hope to continue to work towards a world free of the oppressive tyranny of scientific rigor and its irritating byproducts: ever-increasing lifespans and ever-decreasing mortality rates.”

TOP Ten

Things Overheard on Move-in Day PHOTO By jen windsor

While Erdogan did start dismantling the deceased Ataturk’s reforms, he also later wrote a really good almanac.

By Christopher Jin

Assistant Content Editor

T

he turmoil in Turkey following the recent failed coup attempt in July seemed to find a reprieve last week as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced an ambitious new alternative energy project that promised to satisfy Turkish power demands “forever.”

The supposedly unlimited source of energy was revealed to be the corpse of Turkey’s founding father, Ataturk, rolling over in his grave.

The discovery was reportedly made the day after the end of the failed coup, when Erdogan began conducting a purge of civil servants believed to be connected to the coup organizers. After the purge was publicly announced, reports began to emerge of strange rumblings underneath the Antikabir Mausoleum in Ankara, where Ataturk’s tomb is located. Official investigation revealed that the source of the

rumbling was in fact Ataturk’s corpse repeatedly turning over in the tomb.

“This is a monumental discovery, and not just because it was a discovery made inside of a monument,” reported Resmi Memur, the leader of the investigation. “Now Turkey can brag about violating the principles of thermodynamics in addition to the principles of human rights!”

Erdogan led the charge to harness this phenomenon, assigning a team of researchers to study the corpse’s behavior and put it to use. Head researcher Bilim Kisi explained the details of the project while accompanied by a sharplydressed “escort.”

“We weren’t sure what was causing Ataturk to turn over in such a manner, but we did have a hunch. So we had President Erdogan – er, sorry, Erdogan the Magnificent, he demands we call him that – come down to the research site,” said Kisi, nervously glancing at his escort before continuing his ex-

planation. “We gave him a list of suspected dissenters from our university and asked him to loudly announce that they would be purged as enemies of the state. And then, as we predicted, there was a significant increase in Ataturk’s rotational velocity! So now we’ve found a way to control the energy output of the corpse, and we’ll be getting our next research grant approved for sure.”

In the basement of the Antikabir Mausoleum, now dubbed the Great Turk Ataturk Enerji Santrali Power Plant, lead engineer Bas Muhendis offered further insight on the control mechanism while overseeing the conversion of Ataturk’s casket into a turbine.

“You can’t see it right now, since Erdogan is in charge of it, but the mechanism is quite simple; in fact, it is merely a piece of paper and pencil on a clipboard,” Muhendis explained. “There is a list of the reforms Ataturk conducted as President of Turkey. When

we want to increase power output, all Erdogan has to do is take the pencil and slowly erase one of the entries in the list. And the transition is seamless! No one will really notice.”

Erdogan himself commented, speaking to reporters as a moving team carried a historic Ottoman throne into his office.

“This is obviously a great step forward for the Turkish people. But I cannot take all the credit; Ataturk must be given his due,” Erdogan said, as he began wrapping his head in an ornate turban.

“This feels like one of those ‘king under the mountain’ stories — Ataturk, the great father of Turkey, awakens from his slumber deep in the earth to aid his country in a time of peril. And indeed, in these treacherous times, he has helped me, and continues to help me. And surely, he will still be there, turning over, as I bring Turkey into a new golden age that will make our Ottoman ancestors proud.”

10. I’ve Googled it a bunch, but I still don’t know who this Sixth person is 9. I aced all of high school, so I'm sure I'll have zero problems with the course load 8. No, dude. The girls come in, they see the poster of the hot lady with the tits out, so THEY think about getting their tits out. It’s classic priming 7. We’re gonna be best friends 6. "A" on a parking spot means all parking, right?

5. I don’t even get why we need to take this DEI shit, I already love gays and Latinos and all those other not-normal people 4. So… which one’s the dryer?

3. Do you think I'll be able to find a Christian org?

2. Damn, I’ll never be able to fit a body in this freezer 1. But where’s MY bathroom?

September 21, 2016

theMQ.org

Page 11

U.S. Bans All GMOs “Except the Really Cool Ones”

What Your Summer Tan Line Says about Your Chances of getting into C.S. As summer comes to a close, you may be wondering what your chances are of getting into the Computer Science major. Luckily, experts from around the world have constructed this helpful guide to let you know exactly how likely it is you will get in based on your horrendous tan lines. So whip your arm out of that neatly starched dress shirt and find out!

A mole high up the arm Looks like your chances of getting into C.S. are actually pretty decent, but you might wanna get that checked out.

Farmers tan

Wow, have you been working on a farm? But it’s not a server farm, so get the fuck out.

PHOTO By connor gorry

Tan line like someone drew a dick in sunscreen

Sadly, the artichoke would die in a plane-exit malfunction later that day, leaving behind a wife, a child, and a mopey Tom Cruise.

By Hannah Rosenblatt

T

Managing Editor

he FDA recently released a set of stricter guidelines for producing GMOs, allowing for only products exhibiting the highest scores in categories such as “color/shiny index of product,” “cool points,” and “appeal to the lower-upperclass activist people who are rich and numerous enough to influence the market and news coverage.”

The guidelines were developed in response to growing disapproval from American citizens over the use of GMOs. They aim to allocate resources for only the most beneficial and socially necessary GMO products, like the up-and-coming panda bearshaped apples.

Sharon Begemann, strong advocator of the guidelines, claimed that they were a necessary step for safer, more efficient research and production of crops.

“It makes me feel a lot

safer that these new guidelines are there to ensure the food my family eats will be the food they deserve," said Begemann. "I can stop analyzing every piece of fruit and violently throwing them on the ground when I discover they’re GMOs.” She explained that “as an avid skimmer of newspapers and a health conscious mother of two, I am happy to feed my kids the new line of Brussels sprouts that grow alternating layers of bacon leaves. However, I’m not sure I approve of those attempts to increase rice crop resilience I’ve heard about on the news. Why would you need to make even more rice or make it more powerful than just normal rice? That seems just plain excessive,.

People should be happy with what they get and not ask for more. It’s just so unnatural.”

Whole Foods worker and avid mason jar bedazzler Nathan Gusteau also voiced his support for the guidelines.

“I’m really excited that more funds and resources are being directed towards what’s really important," he said. "I heard one company is pushing to create a new strain of genetically modified green beans that are guaranteed to be at least 45 percent more organic than other organic products on the market!

“This is such a breakthrough — I don’t see why it’s not getting more attention. Humanity has always struggled to make things as natural and organic as possible, and now scientists have finally found the right array of genetic modifications and chemical treatments to synthesize true purity.”

U.S. Legislature is urging other countries to take up similar policies in order to develop a higher international standard for agricultural products. In a recently released memo, they have outlined detailed descriptions of their approval process for new GMO research

and production, with their mission statement of “making aestheticism a priority in our food.”

The release has also been accompanied by a robust ad campaign, with billboards featuring drought-resistant redeyed wheat being stepped on by a victorious-looking blue orange riding a pig with wings.

Other ads include the letters “G-M-O-s” with an “N” above the “O” and an “(Almost)” above the “N.” “It seems that there is remarkably widespread advocacy for these guidelines, making them pretty much fail-proof in the eyes of the public,” explained USDA Administrator Robert Dorris in an earlier interview. “The only way this policy could have more support would be if the fruits and veggies could talk for themselves.” At press time, the FDA was approving funding for the production of talking tomatoes, expected to be in markets by 2019.

Jason from Third Floor to Be Your Best Friend for Life

Bounty Hunter to Choose between love for money, Target

While hilarious, this tan line implies you have mischevious friends, so your chances are pretty low.

Normal tan line

You’ve clearly sat under fluorescent lights so you’re obviously not ready for the incandescent lights of the C.S. dungeon.

tan line at an angle tan(2.7)/cos(3.4)? I’m surprised you haven’t already gotten in.

tan line from a wrist guard You’re definitely getting in.

You’ve already met the prerequisite of having failing wrists.

Briefus and butthead Classmate Boldly Repeats Professor

Area Brain Found in Vat

The podcast for the COGS 101A class from September 23rd caught flack earlier this week for wasting students’ time by having an apparent glitch which caused grading policy to be repeated. At approximately 19:23, an echo of the professor’s previous sentence can be heard, albeit with an inquisitive tone: “So, you’re saying that we can opt out of participation points and instead increase the weight of test scores by five percent?”

Using Snapchat stories from that day, curious students have identified none other than known “smartass” Robert Higgins as the backseat lecturer.

“Yeah, so what he said seemed pretty difficult to understand,” Higgins said in response of his need to repeat information as questions.

“Like, ‘you can opt out of participation points and instead add an extra five percent to test scores’ – what is that even supposed to mean?”

Sources within the class have claimed that Professor Barrera meant that students may opt out of participation points for an increased weight of testing in their grade; however, it was unclear which of the three modes of communication — syllabus, lecture, or question — of whether or not they could increase the weight of test scores in their final grade in lieu of participation points helped in their understanding or if there was efficient use of class time.

The lid of a dark vat was surprisingly lifted for the first time early last Friday, to reveal an apparent passageway into an unknown space of existence. Light emanated into the vat onto a brain that perceived for the first time the possibility of an alternative reality. That possibility was later confirmed by the two large hands in latex gloves grabbing the brain.

After the initial rapture caused by the revealing of an outside world, the brain was met with the unsettling idea that it had been forced into an illusion complete with yellow tape, camera flashes, and sirens.

It was unaware of how it had transitioned into this false state of reality, after just sitting in its home enjoying the morning weather. It began desperately trying to shake the false sensory information it was receiving as it was thrown into a cold box which was in turn thrown into a car trunk.

The brain concluded that it must have fallen asleep more suddenly than it had ever before, but it didn’t know how to return from the nightmarish evidence locker it found itself in. After spending hours in false captivity, trapped by the fake confines of its own imagination, the brain finally forced itself to drift off to sleep, welcoming the unfamiliar, completely imagined blackness fading into a new backdrop.

Analysts predict that Jason Mathis from the third floor, who you met coming into your dorm on move-in day, will be your best friend through your whole college experience and beyond. These experts say that this friendship, founded on pure proximity and lack of other friends, is already strong enough to stand the multiple tests of time, distance (when he moves off campus next year), and the fact that he’s kind of an asshole.

Despite the almost certainty that he remains your friend because you buy him food, and despite the fact that he will not return the favor when you run out of dining dollars in April, you and Jason are going to have the closest relationship of any friends since Jonathan and David from the Bible.

Unlike Steven Briggs and Michael Hong, you and Jason have a huge amount in common. You are both in Muir, whereas Steve is in Marshall and Mike in ERC. Analysts put this boost as the advantage that will make your friendship and break theirs.

Additionally, you definitely won’t make new, different, better friends from the student org that you’ll join this coming week, experts say. Those new people are cool, but they don’t know you like Jason does. You and Jason will have annual reunions where you relive week one of freshman year fall quarter. This will be the friendship of a lifetime.

Local bounty hunter Leland Chappy set out to arrest Areana Slony to obtain a 45,000 dollar commission but unexpectedly found himself conflicted over his newfound love for his target.

This internal struggle lead Chappy to weigh the values of a lifelong appreciation for cash and the potential emotional fulfillment of a rash relationship with an alleged criminal.

Slony was arrested for the manslaughter of her husband, whom she allegedly shot while driving; she immediately posted bail when it was set at 450,000 dollars but did not appear in court on her assigned date.

Chappy saw the story of Slony’s missed court date on the news and was instantly attracted to the student loans he could pay off with the commission. However, after systematically tracking, and capturing her, Chappy unexpectedly found himself in love, throwing his priorities into disarray.

“She charmed me instantly,” he said. “And now I’m seriously considering throwing away my life, my professional reputation, and my clean record to run away with this woman.

“It’s those green eyes. I can only try to escape those eyes just as much as I can try to escape from crippling debt.”

Tan Line On the fingertips Oh shit, do you have fingerless gloves? Hell yeah dude, you’re in.

Everyone knows that 50 percent of listening is smelling.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 12

theMQ.org

UC San Diego

As you head back to school, there's no better way to prep for the year than buying everything your local retailers say is “necessary” for being successful and happy. At the UCSD Bookstore, we are proud to offer all of those things and more at a higher price! So come on in and enjoy the savings!

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