The MQ Volume 21 Issue 5

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

If you don’t like what you are seeing, look around less and imagine more.

— Brian Williams

Five times more absorbent than the leading brand.

March 11, 2015

Gun Rights Activists Protest for Gun Suffrage

Volume XXI Issue V

IN THIS ISSUE PARENTS FEAR LAME SUN GOD

2

NEW SPECIES DISCOVERED ON DISHES

4

A LOOK AT NET NEUTRALITY

6,7 8

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EASTER BUNNY SEES SHADOW

10

NEWS IN BRIEF Police gave a statement of their support after discovering a large portion of their force is comprised of guns.

BY ROBERT POND

G

Staff Writer

un rights activists across the country are supporting the right for guns to attain full citizenship and representation in elections. Activists came in large numbers to the Florida State Courthouse during the hearing for Colt v. Florida, a case that would allow firearms the right to vote and be represented in the government, to support the recognition of

guns’ rights.

Claiming that “they’re tired of the dejected state of their guns,” activists took to the streets of major cities across America, marching side by side with the firearms they believed should be treated as citizens.

“I may not be a blood relative with her, but she is my own,” said Billy Little, a man who says he has had a 12-year relationship with his shotgun.

“I love her more than anything, and I want the state to

recognize her basic rights as an American. And our passionate love.”

The NRA and other guns’ rights groups have funded a media blitz in support of these “inalienable rights taken from defenders of freedom.”

Polls in Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, New Hampshire, North Carolina, and Florida support guns’ suffrage and 54 percent of Texas voters support gun marriage, “as long as it’s heterosexual.” Across the board, more Americans are

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

calling the blaming of guns for mass shootings “travesties,” and saying the “persecution of guns by certain anti-gun media groups” must come to an end.

Dozens of gun marriage supporters in Florida staged a protest outside of the Tallahassee State Court House, where they were married by pro-gun marriage ministers during a session debating the right for

See GUN VOTE, page 2

Anthem Company Increases Security Tenfold, Changes Password to 123450

BY ROHAN RANGRAY

In response to University of Massachusetts, Amherst’s decision to ban Iranian exchange students from studying in some of the school’s science programs, including chemistry, physics, and electrical and computer engineering, the Islamic Azad University of Gorgan in Iran will no longer allow American exchange students to study those same programs in their own university.

UMass-Amherst cited the Iran Threat Reduction and Syria Human Rights Act of 2012, which states that visas shall be denied to any Iranian exchange student determined to be intending to obtain an education in the U.S. to prepare to

work in the Iranian energy sector. The university reportedly wanted to “play it safe,” given the unpredictability of what the U.S. government determines to be national safety risks. The university supported their statement by noting that bottles of liquids, craft scissors, and hard pretzel sticks are banned by TSA, saying they “just don’t know who or what the government will think is a threat next,” but overlooked the role of consistent and widespread racial profiling.

Azad University of Gorgan cited in their decision the glut of historic empirical evidence that Americans are “willfully ignorant, racist warmongerers.”

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY TRIGGERS FIFTH WAVE “THEMINISM”

Staff Writer

A

nthem Inc., a subsidiary of Blue Cross California, recently reported a breach of their servers, which resulted in about 80 million Social Security Numbers being stolen, including the SSNs of people who had stopped using Anthem as their health insurance provider. Amongst the victims were University of California students, staff, and faculty using Universityaffiliated healthcare plans.

The first point of attack was when hackers sent a phishing email to one of the employees of the company, thus gaining access to the company’s private network.

“This is one of the most common attacks for targeted hacks, the Computer Science Department tells me,” noted UC San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, adding that he “frequently” sends “useless emails” to all UCSD students to train them to not check their emails and avoid getting phished.

Anthem has been revamping their security infrastructure in response to the attack.

They claim to have strengthened the security of their servers by changing all the passwords to “123450” from the previous “12345.”

“Hackers use a technique

EXCHANGE STUDENTS BANNED FROM STEM PROGRAMS

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

A small group of invested individuals gathered to form what is being called a fifth wave of the feminist movement after viewing the extensive media campaigns surrounding International Women’s Day, which they claimed inspired them to take further action to support women. The group has identified their new movement as “theminism” in order to establish a genderneutral precedence, and disassociate themselves from previous feminist movements. They detailed this and their main ideology in a manifesto published on Monday.

New-wave theminism

includes a shift in focus from demanding institutional or policy changes, to focusing only on publicity of the issue, as demonstrated by the effectiveness of the International Women’s Day internet campaign.

Theminists claim that they aim to “bring attention to women, and then let social dynamics work out the rest.” Theminists have criticized past feminist movements because of their attempt to form prescribed solutions to problems with gender inequality, whereas they believe the truly effective way to cause change is simply to “raise awareness that women exist.”

Everyone said a four-handed person wouldn’t fit into the world of hacking, but they were wrong. where they try every combination of letters and numbers to see if something matches the password. Previously it only took them 12345 tries to find our password, but now they’ll have to get to 123450 before they break through,” said Anthem’s Chief Information Security Officer Roy R. Mellinger.

“It’s a hard world out there and hackers will keep trying to attack our infrastructure, but as

long as there are more numbers we can keep increasing our security.”

Mellinger appeared flustered and refused to comment when asked about the implications of publicly announcing their new passwords and potentially leaking them to malicious agencies.

Anthem — in cahoots with the Health Information Trust Alliance — has now launched

a new program, Cyber Security in Universal Cyber Defense and International Cyber for the Cyber Community (CSUCDICCC), which aims to protect the cyber rights of individuals, corporations, and cyber groups alike. Company officials have “high hopes” for the success of the program, but noted that “the stationery is going to have to be totally reworked to fit that heading.”

AREA WOMAN’S KNITTING ADDICTION GOES TOO FAR

AREA MAN GOING TO JUST SIT THIS ONE OUT

New project begins to consume her

Claims he “forgot the right clothes”

BETTA FISH SENTENCED TO LIFE IN DORM A San Diego fish was sentenced to life in a college dormitory on March 9.

Sparkles was handed the sentencing by the Mira Mesa Petco at four in the afternoon, where he was then escorted off the premises by Jenna Chu, 19, to be forcibly held in a college dormitory at the UC San Diego.

Conditions of the holding facility have recently come under fire for its small size, isolation, and lack of sanitary conditions.

In 2014, four fish were reported to have died there, the circumstances of which are still largely unknown.

Numerous agencies and

friends have called for its shutdown, citing long periods without feeding or water cleaning.

Sparkles joins three other fish currently awaiting their fates in the dormitory suite. On average, college students spend $180 per year on a single betta fish.

The fish’s representative has called the ruling “cruel and unusual” and asserted that they would file for appeal. However, considering the “all-night rager” happening at Chu’s apartment on March 13, time may be limited.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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March 11, 2015

Parents Worried Sun God Will Be “Too Lame”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Gun Vote

guns to vote in state elections.

“The inalienable cause of liberty is what drives any great rights movement, we are really the inheritors of the Civil Rights and LGBT Rights movements,” said lobbyist Patrick “Colt” Cunningham. “There are 310 million firearms out there and they have none of the rights the Constitution guarantees.”

Dozens of protesters staged a sit-in at a Little Rock Chipotle, taking a stand against the company’s recent policy against serving people with firearms. Other protests have broken out across the nation, with individuals fighting policies against having guns in public places like voting booths and state buildings.

“Universities across America have banned guns from even attending public schools and universities, while Hollywood paints a morbid picture of gun life,” said said Glenn Beck in a voiceover for an ad by the Center for Gun Justice.

“It’s time for them to be able

to enter the public sphere without being harassed and — often — arrested.

“There is no American Revolution without the gun.

Hitler comes to power and no one can stop him without guns, and still they aren’t afforded basic rights as American born guns.”

According to polls, the majority of supporters of gun rights have “known and respected guns throughout their life,” and “have grown up with guns as peers and friends from an early age.”

The Colt case is scheduled to be reviewed by the Supreme Court next session about a gun attempting to vote in the 2012 elections.

Gun rights activists hope to see a victory in the court case, which would give citizenship to all American-manufactured firearms over the age of 18. This would include the right to vote, marry, seek paid employment, and attend public schools and universities.

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“My son was conceived in a Sun God porta-potty and, God forbid, he’s not going to be able to do the same,” exclaimed an enraged Mr. Apollo.

Jimmy’s Facebook account “Sun God was supposed “On the bright side,” addBY LUKE TRIBBLE

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Staff Writer

ue to the controversy and concerns surrounding last year’s Sun God event, many San Diego students and parents are worried that this typically “crazy as balls” outing will be made “lame” come May. Held on RIMAC field each year, the Sun God Fesitval gives the typically quiet campus a chance to show its more colorful side through “obnoxious” electronic dance music, obscure indie bands, and “sloppy drunkenness” according to past attendees.

“When Jimmy told us that this festival might not be as exciting as prior years, we were devastated,” said local parent Sean Apollo.

Jimmy Apollo is currently a freshman at UCSD and reported being disappointed at the prospect of a “totally uncool” Sun God Festival 2015. A status update on

further clarified his feelings on this matter: “Dude I was so pumped to get turnt with my friends, but now Sun God is going to be totally whack.

Ive never been b4 wtf man!”

“College is his one beautiful opportunity to be irresponsible and party hard,” Mr. Apollo said when asked how the changes will affect Jimmy’s first-year experience. “We just wanted him to have the opportunity to knock out a tooth in a blissful drunken haze, and now we feel like he may be deprived of this chance.”

Jean Apollo, Jimmy’s mother, noted that, being from Idaho, the Apollos are not only “economically drained” due to out-of-state tuition rates, but also historically socially deprived. She described living in Idaho as “really boring,” citing that, contrary to popular belief, watching hay dry is not as exciting as one would expect.

to undo the damage done to Jimmy’s social life from raising him in a town that taught school and sheep shaving in the same shed,” said Mr. Apollo, shedding a tear.

“Now that Sun God might be a dud, we fear none of us will ever experience what it is like to be cool.”

Rumors that SGF 2015 will consist mostly of country music are spawning panic amongst potential festival attendees.

“I swear to God, if they try to pass off Tim McGraw as a festival headliner I will burn this school to the ground!” commented Melissa Hutchins, a graduate student at UCSD. “Don’t get me wrong, we care a great deal about Jimmy’s education,” said Mrs. Apollo. “We just want him to have a diverse college experience, and what’s college without the occasional bout of alcohol poisoning?”

ed Mr. Apollo. “There is no way the festival can be lamer than Coachella 2015. Have you seen the lineup this year? Drake as a headliner?

Seriously?”

Given that the exact details of SGF 2015 are still up in the air, the only thing the Apollo family can do is wait for further announcements surrounding the event. It appears now that the closest Jimmy will get to experience an authentic Sun God Festival is by watching footage of past Sun God events on Youtube.

“While this situation is unfortunate, I am just going to approach it with the same positive attitude I came into this roommate assignment with,” Jimmy Apollo added optimistically. “If worst comes to worst, I’ll transfer to SDSU instead. That’ll show Donny and UCSD’s Associated Students.”

Changes to History Accidentally Made While Time Traveling 10. Global warming kickstarted 9. Pyramids are now the Hexagonal Prisms, less photogenic 8. Two Hitlers now, oops 7. November 22, 1963 is now known as the day that guy came out of nowhere and took the bullet for JFK 6. A rat found its way to the 1400s and kinda screwed things up from there 5. There’s now a really small penis in that one Rembrandt 4. William Henry Harrison received cold medicine 3. Set this one bush on fire in the desert 2. Bread now sliced horizontally 1. Funnily enough, the Romans weren’t previously known for gay sex orgies

Editor-in-Chief.............................Riley Mallory Managing Editor..........................Hillary Chan Managing Editor.....................Andrew Deneris Content Editor..........................Natalie McLain Content Editor...............................Barak Tzori Assistant Content Editor...Hannah Rosenblatt Design Editor.................................Kyle Trujillo Assistant Design Editor..Romelle Canonizado Assistant Design Editor...............Garrett Chan Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood

Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Assistant Graphics Editor............Jen Windsor Copy Editor................................Jacob Aguirre Assistant Copy Editor..................Evvan Burke Publicity Chair........................Cole Steffensen Social Chair..............................Trevor Malone Assistant Social Chair.................Kayle Kvinge Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Lieutenant..................Uma Mahto MQ Dad..........................................Sora Chee Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Farah Abouzeid Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Katie Brown Corina Cadiz Angelique De Castro Wesley Chan Dylan Everingham Amin Fozi

18 disciples at the last supper, a carpenter’s dozen.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Wow, what a production. I think that with this issue, as much or more than any other this year, everything just came together beautifully. Design was completely on point; centerspread came out absolutely gorgeous, as did backpage. Graphics put a lot of care and effort into producing wonderful material that complements every other part of the paper. Content delivered a lot of quality material, along with a set of very strong articles. Copy was brilant. If you’re reading this, presumably Distro did a good job as well, though I can’t currently know. I honestly don’t know how I could ask for anything more from a group of editors and staff members. Maybe more back massages.

I mean, I’ve been hinting at it.

Rohit Godbole Svein Gonzalez Phillip Hodgson Lauren Kirkbride David Lee Omri Levia Ben Levin Julia Li Purag Moumdjian Rita Navarro

Drew Nguyen Andre Olson Audrey Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Robert Pond Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan Brian Seibert

Anthony Showalter Samantha Stevens Vylana Tran Luke Tribble Jaz Twersky Oded Tzori Howard Wang Kaylee Wang

Booster Club Thanks to Lawrence, for bringing the first round of sodas, and Natalie for bringing a plethora of teas, coffee, and cookies that she delivered by driveby, like we’re worth something, or something. Thanks to Jen and Barak, for bringing brownies. Thanks to Cole and Garrett, for picking up our now-traditional water. Thanks to Katherine, for bringing apples, chips, and guacamole, the last of which was homemade. Thank you to Hillary, for donuts. Donuts!

Thanks to Allie, Hilmo, and Bora, for stopping by to deliver some cake for Sora’s last production. And then, thanks to everybody for transitioning back to work after a fun time. Thanks to Jen, Hannah, Jacob, and Barak, who all donated dining dollars to the cause. Someday, it’ll make a newspaper.

theMQ.org

March 11, 2015

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Cause of Racial Tensions Found to be All Other Races

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“If anything, I think between the cake and us forgiving you, you owe us something,” said one area woman, presenting the cake to the masses. wrong — we can confirm The majority of news or- government, with the GovBY MATT OLSON

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Staff Writer

team of casual anthropologists from Berkeley announced late last week at a press conference that they had discovered that the cause of racial tensions across the globe was “all races except their own.” This announcement caught the attention of major news stations in multiple countries.

“Well, we were at Whole Foods after a game of Squash looking for organic, freerange blueberries,” the team explained when asked to elaborate on their findings, “then Chad had an epiphany and said, ‘hey, you know who’s really at fault here?

Everyone that isn’t white.’

“And while we disagree with his phrasing, the data really doesn’t lie. After hours of tireless testing and research — in which we asked several of our friends who they blame when things go

that, yes, racial tensions are definitely caused by all other races. We hope this discovery will lead towards a brighter future where we all know who to blame.”

Public reception towards this discovery has been largely positive. Local, Jackson Smith, was present at the press conference, and seemed to be receptive towards the announcement.

“It was refreshing for someone to actually have an answer to this problem that humanity has been facing for so long,” said Smith. “I mean it doesn’t really affect me directly because I try to not blame others for my problems and to see the good in people, but I can see how this discovery could benefit us.

“I am bothered when homeless people ask me for change, though, and I wish they’d stop. Hopefully they can do a study on that next so I can feel justified as well.”

ganizations were also receptive to this discovery, with many hailing it as “the most important discovery since the teleprompter and internet comments.” CNN reportedly fired 95 percent of its workforce and instead has been playing the conference on a continuous loop for the past four days.

“Our viewers really only watched us so they knew who to blame when things went wrong, and now that information is readily available,” a CNN spokesman said in a statement. “As such, at this point in time, CNN no longer feels it is necessary to employ analysts, anchors, or researchers, as any questions our reports raise can be answered by those geniuses at Berkeley.”

No one has been more receptive than the U.S. Government, however. Support for the study is unanimous amongst all branches of the

ernment Alliance on Race and Equity hailing the Berkeley researchers as heroes.

The Supreme Court in particular has been extremely welcoming to the study, and many Justices have already incorporated it into hearings, regardless of whether or not race is involved.

Congress has begun to put plans in motion to change February 1 to “National Racial Tension Remembrance Day,” as Speaker of the House John Boehner claimed the report was “a national treasure that should be recognized as the first step towards eradicating racial tensions everywhere.”

Some have argued that the date could be problematic as it is the first day of Black History Month, but the response from Congress was for all members to “uncomfortably riffle through papers for a bit” and pretend they didn’t hear anything.

New FAA regulations for Drones The following updated FAA regulations on drones will take effect starting March 13, 2015.

These regulations have been formed to ensure the security of drone operators, the general public, and large bird populations. Drones are expected to meet these guidelines while remaining in open air space at all times. All drones that fail to meet these standards will be confiscated by the U.S. Department of Defense and held indefinitely.

Must provide a non-peanut, gluten-free option for snacks

Must be painted with a kickass racing stripe

Though fiercely opposed by the NRA, there is a one-day waiting period to get a hellfire missile attached to your drone

Drones may have no more than two cup holders

The Amish must apply for a special permit to attach horses to their drones

Must have flashing lights and loud beeping noises when they fly in reverse

Rotor blades have to be large enough to kill geese, as to continue addressing goose overpopulation

Other Regulations: • Domestic invasion of privacy restricted to Mondays • Must make available on Amazon Prime to allow for two day shipping • Sentient drones must sign up for selected service at 18 years of age • Drones with facial recognition must be able to recognize all races; it’s 2015

POINT My Dad Can Beat up Your Dad

BY LOUIS

Son of Father his is the end of the line, Stewart. I could handle you stealing my pizza on Pizza Wednesday, which you know is my favorite, and saying disparaging things about my mother in sex-ed, but stealing my laptop and replacing all of my word files with lines from The Room and swapping out my music with Lil B based freestyles crosses the line. No, it takes the line, grabs it by the throat, THROTTLES, and kills it before leaving its dead corpse in the dust and zooming away at light speed. I’d kick the living shit out of you, really, if only you’d get out of that wheelchair. I know you’re just milking that soccer injury to get girls. Oh, I’d punch you right in the mouth and turn your teeth into a crosswalk, if only punching you that hard wouldn’t ruin my ability to play piano. So I won’t hurt you.

I’ll just take solace in the fact that my dad totally “wrecks skrubs” like in those annoying MLG videos you also polluted my computer with. In the sim-

T

plest terms, my dad can beat up your dad to the point where he’s gonna want to crawl back to the Bronze Age, or at least to the Reagan administration to get away. My dad is like MacGyver and can beat your dad with nothing but a pine cone and a deer hoof at his disposal, or with his bare hands since he’s a Judo champion.

Is your dad a Judo champion?

Didn’t think so. My dad is 265 pounds of pure USDA grade-A muscle to boot. If I was nice I’d say give up now, but I want to see this fight happen with the the eagerness of an inebriated 21-year-old stumbling into a tattoo parlor, with my dad as the victor, of course.

COUNTERPOINT No, My Dad Can Beat up Your Dad

BY STEWART

S

Child of Dad

o, you want to see this fight with “the eagerness of an inebriated 21-yearold?” I’d say your dad knows a thing or two about being inebriated, and how do I know?

I know he’s not a Judo champion because I HEARD YOU SAY once how he got kicked out for sneaking away from the group to eat Cheetos and down cheap beers. But now all of a sudden he’s a champion? Pathetic. And you said he can kick my dad’s ass with a leaf or some shit but that’s so stupid I could find more intellectual value reading the backs of Lucky Charms boxes.

My dad on the other hand is a gun enthusiast who’s trained to aim and shoot at idiotic scum like your dad — 360 no scopes and everything — and he indeed has guns up the yin yang. But he doesn’t even need a Halloween store plastic gun to take care of this job.

He’s so tough that one time he went 12 rounds with a rabbit that was trying to steal my dog’s kibble, and won! He’s so

hard that he can put just over 100 pounds on the bench if he tries hard enough and eats enough soy protein beforehand. He’s so suave that he wears a white fedora with a black suit and doesn’t even care how it looks. Classy, but that’s beside the point of my dad pwning your dad. But it has everything to do with my dad wading through the sea of empty Keystone Light cans to present himself to your dad in a classy manner before pwning him. He had this fight in the bag like, yesterday, and I hope those based freestyles have been invading your thoughts on a bihourly basis.

TOP TEN

Tips for Choosing which Summer Festival to Attend 10. How cute are the drug dogs?

9. Is your chance of being physically injured low? If so, you probably shouldn’t go 8. What’s the Native-American-headdress-toyoga-workshop ratio?

7. Is the terrain hilly enough for rolling?

6. How difficult would it be for emergency response teams to access the area in the event of a large fire?

5. Are you vaccinated?

4. Is it a subset of a greater regional renaissance fair? You should probably check 3. Are the porta-potties big enough to do anything interesting?

2. Is this an underwear on or off sort of affair?

1. Is there a corn field nearby to get murdered in?

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theMQ.org

March 11, 2015

New Species Discovered in Week-Old Dishes

Local Teenybopper Finds Pokémon Band-Aids, Becomes One of the “Kool Kids”

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“You say you’re going to take care of the sentient mold, but I know I’ll end up taking it on walks and cleaning it and making sure it filtrates enough oxygen,” said Coors. toes, and cheddar cheese. college dorms to see if there Spring Quarter 2015. Hora deBY EVVAN BURKE

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Assistant Copy Editor

he UC San Diego Biology Department made an unprecedented move last week when they petitioned for a dorm room in Eleanor Roosevelt College to be declared a national park in an effort to preserve a new species that was discovered growing on an unwashed dish earlier last month. The new species is described as "potentially providing an indisputable link between animal and fungi" by lead research assistant Rasheed Hora, a graduate student in the UCSD biology department.

This discovery was reportedly made possible after a dish was left unwashed by undergraduate James Donovan over the winter break, growing off of what was reportedly mushrooms, mashed pota-

There is, however, debate over whether the mushrooms were part of the original meal or a separate species also inhabiting the dish.

Sources say that this is not the first time these discoveries were possible, but that, in the past, Donovan's cultures had all been washed by his roommates. They reportedly decided to leave this one untouched, however, in an effort to "teach him a lesson." While they were hesitant to elaborate, experts assume this “lesson” was most likely in genetics or conservationism.

“There’s a lot of research still left to be done,” said Hora. “We’re still not sure if this mutation was a gradual shift through years and years of mold and fungus spores habitating within the dorms.

Hopefully we’ll be able to take cultures in the other

have been mutations there as well.” The “petri dishes” used to collect these cultures are reportedly an innovative new technology, made from dollar store dishware covered in cheese omelets and ketchup.

"I honestly don't know why the dishes weren't done for so long, James," roommate Arthur Coors told reporters while Donovan waited to give his statement. "We set up a chore chart to avoid species mutation at the beginning of the quarter, but I guess someone had better things to do.”

The new species has demonstrated high degrees of cognizance, retracting from touch and loud noises. The spectacular properties of the fungus were discovered after it reportedly began finishing Coors’ MATH 20A homework.

It has since enrolled in MATH 20B, PHYS 2A, and ENG 3 for

scribes this as the “pinnacle of natural selection,” as an engineering degree is “pretty much the lowest risk degree it could go for,” and will guarantee that it won’t be leaving the university environment for at least five years, giving it ample opportunities to mature and release spores.

Overall, biologists are praising Donovan for his contributions to species conservation.

"For all of human history, man has taken from nature,” said Professor Marten Holm. “But this courageous individual has proven that we can all make a difference by giving a little space back.

Even a sink."

Donovan, meanwhile, is excited to reproduce his discovery by leaving a halfeaten pizza on the counter outside of his dorm shower.

Christian Bale to Play MLK after Failed Search for Black Actor

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“I mean, we already made an MLK movie with a black guy, so it just seems like it’s already been done,” Cameron explained.

BY JEN WINDSOR

Assistant Graphics Editor

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wentieth Century Fox has just announced James Cameron’s decision to cast actor Christian Bale as Martin Luther King, Jr. in an upcoming biopic and historical drama. Fox supported director Cameron’s decision as “the only possible recourse after a prolonged attempt to find a more appropriate actor,” a spokesperson said Tuesday. The statement provoked controversy over how casting decisions are made in Hollywood over 50 years after the Civil Rights Act was passed.

James Cameron, set to direct the as-yet untitled biography, has frequently come under criticism for casting exclusively White actors in lead and supporting roles.

The controversy following his latest decision has been particularly severe considering that the film concerns Black protesters who fought

for, among other things, equal opportunity in employment. However, Cameron defended his casting choice for the film, saying he “searched high and low for a Black actor to play MLK, but really, there are none.”

“I scoured the list of Academy Award winners this year, because the best and brightest are always awarded for their talent, so that’s objectively where all the good actors are going to end up,” said Cameron when asked how he had conducted the search, “but there are no Black actors in there, so that made the casting difficult.”

Cameron stated that he also looked through lists of actors whose grandfathers had been in blockbuster films, and that he was “not at fault” if that list did not include any prominent Black actors.

“It’s ridiculous and downright offensive to have a White actor play a Black historical figure, regardless of who is playing whom,” said Howard

Brunwick, a prominent film critic and admitted fan of both Cameron and Bale, expressing his disgust with the casting choice. “In this day and age, directors should know better.”

Cameron dismissed these remarks as “ramblings of a film critic who obviously woke up on the wrong side of his mother’s bed.”

Christian Bale, the White actor chosen to play a Black man who fought for equality for African-Americans, expressed his confidence in being able to portray the civil rights leader despite the difference in ethnicity.

“King had a mustache. I can grow a mustache.” said Bale. “He had a deep voice. I can do a deep voice. Just like in Batman. Really, there’s a striking number of similarities between us.

“Well, as long as I can act, I’m all set, right?” Bale continued, addressing concerns from certain groups on the ability of a White actor to portray a Black man. “Like,

nowadays race doesn’t matter. We even have an African president.”

The film, set to portray the different activists in the Civil Rights movement, has sparked further rumors that Cameron intends to cast Anne Hathaway as Rosa Parks, as well as Gary Oldman as Malcolm X. In response to the statements from Twentieth Century Fox and James Cameron, 200 Black actors active in the film industry have signed a petition to “Make Hollywood Directors Aware of the Countless Talented Actors Right under Their Goddamn Noses.” The petitioners include Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L. Jackson, Idris Elba, and Cuba Gooding, Jr. In response to questions regarding the redundancy of a biographical film about Martin Luther King, Jr., James Cameron said, “Selma? I haven’t had an opportunity to see that yet.

It sounds like a woman’s name; isn’t it about the turtleneck girl from ‘Scooby-Doo’?”

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

Nurse used Cool Bandaid! It’s not very effective against pancreatic cancer.

BY KENDRA QUINLAN

S

Staff Writer

ixth grader and rumored “loser” Sydney “Echo” Smith, self-described as an “aspiring songwriter,” underwent a transformation that has changed her destiny of only achieving “a sociology degree with a minor in economics.”

“We were chasing her through the forest,” said Slade Kaleo, head representative of Roosevelt Middle School’s League of Bullies. “I admit it, OK? We were just like, throwing milk bags at her, and then she started sprinting for this cave.”

Eyewitnesses have reported that, ten minutes after having disappeared, Smith emerged wearing the item that has heralded her new life path: a mint condition Machop Second Edition Seasonal Pokémon BandAid with Dual Action Cleansing Power and Sparkles.

“And suddenly everyone — including myself — wanted to be like her,” Kaleo continued. “Like, I just wanted to be her friend with every fiber of my being.”

A group of underfunded PokéScientists is currently investigating the mysterious draw behind these “PokéBandAids,” and so far has classified them as having similar effects to many narcotics.

“We are investigating what can only be described as a crime against nature, ya know?” inquired scientist Samuel Oak. “Our analysis concludes that the heroin within these first aid devices is projected from the BandAid toward onlookers; causing illogical, unprejudiced acceptance of the PokéBandAid host. Ergo, we can confirm that subject Smith’s popularity is positively correlated with the presence of these PokéBandAids.

“However, her newfound popularity can only be linked with one group of selfdescribed ‘Kool Kids’ at a time. We believe her connection to this specific group was decided by the ‘type’ of PokéBandAid she wore.”

The investigation into Smith’s popularity thus far has only concluded that certain cliques within Roosevelt Middle School are intrinsically linked to different Pokémon types. For example, if

the PokéBandAid has a “Dark Type” of Pokémon, Smith becomes accepted into the Goth Skullcrushers, the local screamo band. If she wears a ‘Fighting Type,’ it appears the Belligerent-HooligansWho-Throw-Milk-Bags-AtCars consider her one of their own. Wearing a ‘Grass Type’ PokéBandAid initiates friendly relations with the Potheads, the school gardening team.

“The possibilities are endless! We are tearing down the boundaries that separate different social groups,” proclaimed Steven Martini, president of the San Diego Pokémon Fan Club, which is dedicated to preservation of “PokéCulture.” For the last six months, Martini and his team of ‘90s Kids have distributed PokéBandAids to over 75 percent of health clinics across San Diego.

“At first, our objective was to use these Band-Aids to educate youth about ‘PokéCulture,’” Martini continued.

“What we didn’t expect was widespread mutual acceptance among our users!”

Martini is not the only one who has taken an interest in this phenomenon. The US Department of Homeland Security announced yesterday the banishment of PokéBandAids from retail, because they “forcefully manipulate subjects’ wills.”

In response to the banishment, Martini stated, “In Pokémon, if you can’t ‘catch ‘em all,’ you trade. By prohibiting the trade of PokéBandAids, we are sending youth the message that sharing and community don’t matter.”

Some sources say the DHS could be confiscating the PokéBandAids to use as “weapons of psychological destruction.” Human rights groups have condemned Homeland Security for allegedly employing PokéBandAids to force convicted criminals who “demonstrate erratic behavior” into “submissive cooperation.”

But for Sydney “Echo” Smith, these PokéBandAids mean more. “I remember one day coming home and thinking, ‘I wish that I could be like the ‘Kool Kids.’ ‘Cuz all the ‘Kool Kids,’ they seem to fit in,’” said Smith. “Finally, I have found a way. I think I can work that into my songwriting career.”

.syadseuT .QM ehT The MQ. Tuesdays. emoD flaH .m.p 6 6 p.m. Half Dome .egnuoL Lounge.

March 11, 2015

theMQ.org

STUART A R T

C O L L E C T I O N

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A RECENT AND VANDALISTIC TURN OF EVENTS has presented the school and surrounding

artistic community with a sparkling opportunity to add a new gem of creativity to our campus. Tapping the colorful and innovative minds of UC San Diego alumni, the school is happy to introduce the newest piece of the Stuart Art Collection: “The Empty S Parking Spot.” It’s there, but no one can park in it. Khosla said Banksy called it transcendent! And, if someone does park in it, we get to ticket them.

Here are some quotes from the ribbon cutting ceremony to give you a little taste of the excitement.

New Piece Installation

EDITORIAL

Oh No, Mr. Williams, You’ve Done It Again

BY BRIAN WILLIAMS

Previously Respected Journalist

{

CRITICAL REACTION

}

O

“The only thing that would make it better really is a blue 2015 Toyota Prius limited edition” —Michael Tolone, first year and eco-enthusiast

“Negative space is just, ugh, like, the shit” —Amy Anderson, second year visual arts student

“Now the seventh stop on the official UCSD tour” —Tammy Chang, overly

peppy Triton Tours guide who will probably lie to you

“This really speaks to me” —Alejandra Galindo, local biker

“You really get the influence of early Rembrandt and late [Michael] Bay” —Chance Destiny, art student “I like the Giraffe Catchers better, if I’m being honest” —Mukta Raslo, confused fifth year

“It’s supposed to be ugly” local art critic

—Jovi Carolli,

Local Student Angered at E-book in Poor Physical Condition

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“I don’t know, burning an e-book just doesn’t feel the same. Where’s the authenticity, that cozy feel of flaming paper in your hands?” asked Johnson. time I was this disappointed stands for thematically. I’m people to exchange their

BY LUKE TRIBBLE

C

Staff Writer

had Johnson, an undergraduate majoring in literature with a minor in computer science, recently purchased an e-book at the UC San Diego Bookstore last week and was “flabbergasted” by its poor physical condition.

Given the rise of the textbook industry and the advancement of technology, e-books have served as convenient and cost-effective alternatives for college students. However, it has come to the attention of Johnson that e-books are not as reliable as they are presumed to be.

“Considering the amount of money I spent for my purchase, as well as the tuition I pay just to attend UCSD, I am incredibly disappointed by the physical quality of my digital purchase,” exclaimed a dejected Johnson. “The last

was when Borders went out of business. At least their ebooks were of good quality.

This is a disgrace!”

Along with Johnson, other customers have noted their digital purchases have had many deformities.

“When I view my textbook on my tablet, some of the pages have massive coffee stains, some pages are ripped, and some pages are torn or completely absent from the digital version of the book.

It is absolutely inexcusable,” complained one anonymous e-book user.

Johnson has also noted that this issue extends to ebook purchases made at Geisel Library.

“When I bought my ebook version of ‘Fahrenheit 451,’ it contained many physical deformities. It is devastating, because not only is my money wasted, but it is also disrespectful to Ray Bradbury and everything that the novel

sure Bradbury would be upset to see the digital edition of one of his most famous novels being sold with such disrespect.”

In an effort to honor Bradbury, Johnson plans to ceremoniously cremate several e-book copies of “Fahrenheit 451.”

“It is what he would have wanted,” noted an enthusiastic Johnson.

David Pereira, head computer science researcher at UCSD, claims that although the causes and motives of these e-book vandalizations are unknown, Pereira believes it “probably has something to do with the Matrix or some shit.” When asked for a more detailed response concerning his thoughts on the matter, Pereira declined to comment.

As a way to spread awareness, Johnson will be hosting a radical anti-e-book campaign in the coming months.

As part of the campaign, Johnson plans on hosting e-book book drives to allow

ebooks for better quality, nonvandalized physical copies.

In addition, Johnson plans on taking e-book suppliers head on, believing that the only way to solve the issue with e-books is to eliminate eBooks altogether.

“Literature needs to go back to its simple roots,” stated Johnson. “I will work in conjunction with the UCSD Computer Science Department to launch a cyber attack on major e-book suppliers, and, hopefully, literary justice will finally be served. The only true way to solve the problem with e-books is to get rid of them altogether.”

Although this digital crisis does not seem to be ending anytime soon, the UCSD Computer Science Department and Chad Johnson have assured the student body that they will continue to strive towards their mutual goal of eliminating e-books regardless of the odds.

h God. Oh Jeez, people are starting to find you out. This is not good. This is not good at all. They’re going to figure it all out. Why do you keep doing this to yourself!?

Why must you lie pathologically, without even thinking about it?

Okay, calm down. You’ve talked about this with Dr. Evans. Yes, people realized you were never actually in a helicopter that was shot down, but they’ll just attribute that to bad memory over the years, right?

We can ride this one out. We are not our disease. We’ve got this.

No problemo, Williamo.

Sure, did they realize all that stuff about Katrina? Yes. They knew you didn’t see a dead body — though you did see that one guy get really wet, so, I mean, close enough? They realized that you weren’t in a hotel overrun by looters, and didn’t see that guy kill himself at the Superdome. Fine, but how else were you supposed to convince that spicy Bolivian correspondent to sleep with you on that balcony?

Oh, Francesca, mi amada.

I mean, maybe you’ll not

go back to being a respected newscaster, and maybe that rascal Fallon won’t make anymore videos of you rapping your favorite songs — damn it Williams, suppress the urge to claim to have been an honorary member of N.W.A. Remember what Dr. Evans said!

But you’ll get to move on.

Maybe write a book on the whole thing. Deep breaths, you handsome devil. I love you and you mean the world to me.

They haven’t even really gotten into the big stuff yet — that you made up the First Gulf War, that Anthrax isn’t even a real thing. Why do you always come up with these stories to make yourself sound better? For God’s sake, you’re the one who told George Bush you found WMDs in Iraq.

Oh Brian, you big goof.

You even told Ronald Reagan all about that crazy “trickledown” stuff you came up with when you thought your wife’s Ambien was Advil. He went pretty far with that — made a lot of people poor — but that wasn’t your fault, right? Right?

You were on “30 Rock.”

You’re cool! You’ll get through this. No biggie. Hey, you should tweet that you did yayo with Biggie in the 80s. Damn it, Brian! No! Dr. Evans finally let us back on the Internet. We can’t let him down.

Wait, this isn’t a Word doc.

Oops, it looks like we’re on Gmail, where you were halfway through writing a letter to NBC. That could have been bad. Now, where’s that delete button? Oh right, “Return” to nothi—

TOP FIFTEEN

Reasons The Peterson Hill Construction Is Taking So Long 15. The Lorax is at it again 14. Poor coordination makes it difficult to pass money under the table 13. Per the Food Co-op’s request, they’re only hiring local artisan cement layers, which takes time 12. Their registration time is late and all the prereqs are filling up 11. Workers still undergoing extensive and allinclusive sensitivity training 10. The zoo hasn’t been cleared to remove the giraffe nets yet 9. They have to figure out the names of the ski runs 8. Construction was halted after singing protest organized by local trees 7. They hadn’t figured out hiring people or buying supplies, but there was a really good deal on fences 6. They’re still trying to work out ticket traps for skateboarders 5. They accidentally killed a baby bird on the first day, and they’re still trying to get over it 4. They keep finding indigenous burial sites 3. It’s really funny watching students sigh and take the long way around 2. It’s already finished, this is how it’s going to be forever 1. “Fuck you, have you tried making stairs?”

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

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The Search for Convenient Truths:

Net Neutrality

y

March 11, 2015

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Magic Bullet Most Effective Against Werewolves

Letters to the Editor Dear Editor, If you’re reading this, it means my messenger racoon Humphrey found his way to your office. Treat him kindly — he has been a true friend.

I know not how long I have been trapped within the cold confines of Peterson Hill; only that it has been a long and arduous fight for my survival within the desolate walls that appeared out of nowhere while I was on my way to PSYC 185. I have already had to consume my hemp messenger bag for sustenance, but if I am not rescued soon, I’m afraid I will have to turn to the eucalyptus. Worry not, however, for I will plant two new trees for every one I consume.

I must leave, for the tin tree speaks again.

—Best, Arthur Su Dear Editor,

PHOTO BY RILEY MALLORY

“Hey, it’s Vince with ShamWolf. Have you ever been surrounded by werewolves, but a silver bullet just wouldn’t do? What’s up with that?” tirelessly to capture live werethose given silver bullets were device at the federal level.

BY KYLE TRUJILLO Design Editor

F

or over 300 years, werewolf-killing technology has remained the same, largely limited to the hands of a few experienced werewolf hunters. But a recent study could change this completely.

Conducted by the Harvard Business School, the study conclusively disproved the myth that the silver bullet is the most lethal type of bullet in the art of werewolf combat. Instead, a new and more accessible technology, the magic bullet, proved to be a superior weapon.

The study was commissioned by Homeland Housewares, which owns the design of the popular, blender-like device. The company provided steady funding while Harvard scientists worked

wolves and force them to bite other humans to broaden the population of test subjects and increase the weight of the findings. Many Harvard undergrads jumped at the chance to earn some fast cash, so researchers had no shortage of test subjects.

Once the test population had been secured, researchers were trained by noted werewolf hunter Sir Amos Flemington and famous actor and chupacabra slayer Johnny Depp, before being thrown into a pit with an increasing number of werewolves, armed only with either a silver bullet or a magic bullet.

“Consistently, we found that researchers given magic bullets were able to break the casing around the blade and just go to town on those formerly human monsters, while

unable to significantly damage even one,” lead researcher Dr. Harry Birge explained.

“I’ve armed my entire extended family with the things to keep them safe in the coming werewolf plagues.”

“Wait, there must be a mistake, don’t I get a gu- AH. NO, GURGLE GURGLE!” yelled one participating sophomore just before they failed their first and last trial with the silver bullet.

“This study not only has positive implications for the future of Homeland Housewares, but for homeland security as well,” said Homeland Housewares Marketing Director Dana Laine. The company has since entered into closeddoor negotiations with the Pentagon to research the possible military applications of the popular smoothie-making

“Though it’s no longer our project, Harvard is definitely still interested in the development of magic bullet technology,” said Dr. Birge. “We are currently using surplus funding we got from selling all those werewolf pelts to develop a sort of launching device that could propel a magic bullet through the air at high speeds, possibly enabling users to kill werewolves from a distance.”

The Harvard School of Medicine has also released a report indicating that smoothies made with the Magic Bullet are “generally healthy and nutritious” and that adding the freshly-removed heart of a werewolf to such drinks has given most subjects “increased energy, positivity, and virility,” but merely caused Johnny Depp’s silver bangles to start burning his wrists.

I recently read one of your articles, and I took serious offense with it. As an aging retiree, I have a lot of free time on my hands, and as a result, I like to fill my time by getting deeply involved with publications and other public forums as a means to vent my frustrations, thereby verifying my worldview of bygone times.

The looming specter of death hangs overhead, and with the little perceived time I have left, I’ve made it my personal mission to call out those whose opinions differ from mine and spread my message of oppressive and limiting power structures onto later generations. Ironically, this very reaction to my own mortality will be my downfall, as I have chosen the side of obstinacy and inflexibility, which history has shown us again and again to be the losing side.

—Forever angry, Jan Kaptuz

Dear Editor, I just wanted to let you know I really appreciate the work you do. I know a lot of these letters must be rough — angry people speaking harsh words to soft ears – so I just wanted to let you know I appreciate you. I read everything you guys publish, down to the last syllable. I hope to see you someday — well, meet you, I should say. I’ve seen you many times.

I love your top tens, your lovingly handcrafted features and backpage, and the smell of your hair as I press my face into it while you’re sleeping. Sometimes, I run my fingers through it, and I get that smell on my hands, and for days I smell and I smell andIsmellandIsmellandIsmell.

I would like it if your newspaper could distribute to Marshall more.

—Thanks, An Occasional Reader

Dear Editor,

Study Finds Psych Majors Will Commit Felonies for Course Credit

BY EVVAN BURKE

Assistant Copy Editor

A

new study has found that psychology majors, who reportedly compose up to 10 percent of the student body at any university, are willing to commit felonies and generally disregard all moral and social conditions as long as they are receiving class credit for participation in a research study. The study, which was conducted within the UC San Diego psychology department, has already sparked a community-wide discussion about research ethics, credit compensation for mandatory student participation, and how to respond to a sudden 10 percent surge in UCSD students with criminal records.

The study was similar to the famous Milgram Experiment, in which participants believed they were applying a gradually more extreme electric shock to an actor.

The experiment sparked a similar discussion about ethics after the public saw that participants were willing to risk the life of another individual so long as they were instructed to do so, in some cases even applying the shock after the actor pretended to be dead. However, researchers are now saying that the current study makes the Milgram experiment “look about as metal as an aluminum can.”

In the study, researchers asked numerous selfproclaimed psych majors interested in receiving course credit to do varying criminal acts under the guise of measuring the reactions of uninvolved bystanders and the general public. These acts ranged from public indecency to theft to arson to drug trafficking. While not originally part of the survey,

I am a 34-year-old woman, five-foot-five-inches, 143.2 pounds, and I have blood type AB-positive. I recently discovered a rash that started on the outer part of my thigh, and has been slowly expanding about six centimeters in diameter a day. I also started experiencing fatigue, swelling of my joints, and having severe nose bleeds at the same time I developed the rash.

I am not sure what caused these symptoms, but I was wondering if it could be due to my new paleo diet, or a disease common in alpaca populations I could have contracted, as I often work with them. I have already tried switching to a less-intense gluten-free diet, and started getting weekly oxygen-infused blood transfusions, but nothing has worked. Could I possibly schedule a one-on-one appointment for sometime next week?

—Worried, Kelly Romero

TOP TEN

Consequences of the Easter Bunny Retiring Early

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“This is a warning to everyone who played “Assassin” in high school and maybe even took the AP Assassin test: This will be nothing like that,” proclaimed the professor. researchers were also able to witness participants engaging in high speed chases and resisting arrest as well.

“The course credit aspect definitely factored heavily into participants’ willingness to perform tasks of escalating legal, social, and moral violations,” said lead researcher William Fong. “Which was strange, considering that these participation requirements don’t really provide students much field experience in a research conducting-capacity. Really, they’re more just a way of providing professors with a uniform group of lab rats that can still fill out a survey. We’re hoping to continue our research into ethics with a new study, this

time on university psychology department faculty and their willingness to engage in communal masturbation.”

While participants in the study were unavailable for comment due to instructions from their various lawyers, senior research assistant Sandra Chairez, a human development major, said that the experiment was eye opening.

“I have not seen true darkness until that day,” said Chairez. “Heaven has fallen and the demons are loose, and I now know I shall be fit only for hell. Heed my word.

[They] must burn. Cleanse [them] with fire. Drop them from their graduate program and deny them extra credit in PSYC 137.” Chairez, who

has been in a fetal position since the study finished, concluded her statement with a quiet wail before chewing on another page of her shredded research proposal.

The psychology world as a whole, however, remains pleased about discovering that student participants would urinate on an occupied park bench for an extra five percent on their first midterm.

“I’m really excited about the doors this study has opened up,” said graduate student Nancy Belluck. “We have a solid two years before the Ethics board catches up and shuts all our exciting, innovative, and probably scarring research down, and I for one am just happy to be involved.”

10. Yet another bummer for non-Christian kids 9. American youths score five percent higher on standardized biology testing 8. Parents now have a tough time explaining where Cadbury eggs come from 7. He ponders purpose, drunkenly shouts questions about meaning of life at daycare 6. The Easter Weasel. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but he’s just not cutting it 5. We have to rewrite the textbooks again 4. Now your parents have to wake up early and hide all the eggs instead 3. Son has to take over family business, but he really just wants to go to art school 2. Easter somehow becomes even less religiously significant 1. Shortage of chocolate bunnies leads to Cocoa War in South America

March 11, 2015

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HSS Building to be Renamed “Social Sciences Only Building”

Everyone Except You Had a Great Valentine’s Day

PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN

“I just miss you so muuuch. It was hard being away from you all breakfast,” posted area student Jamie Moss on Greg Downs’ wall, tagging every single mutual friend.

BY OMRI LEVIA

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

“Will the feeling of sand in my shoes, the gust of wind through my hair, or the smell of ocean that clings to me be on the final?” asked one humanities major.

BY AMIN FOZI

A

Staff Writer

rchitects overseeing a major expansion to the Humanities and Social Sciences building have announced that, when completed, the new and improved building will bear the name “Social Sciences Only” building. The announcement was made last Sunday by one of the architects, wearing a black cloak with a hood that covered its face.

The representative explained that when it came to finding a way to truly improve upon HSS, the best thing they could think of was to take out the “H.” “Humanities…” the speaker let out in a groan. “...have become obsolete in our campus community. As progress marches along, unnecessary things have to be taken out.”

Of course, UC San Diego already has two buildings dedicated only to social science: the Social Sciences

building in ERC and the Social Sciences research building in Marshall College. The architects, however, reassured reporters that those buildings would be absorbed into the new structure.

“This building will be big — no one will escape,” the architect said, concerning the size of the expansion.

“The purpose of this work goes far beyond the needs of the students.

“We must put the needs of the planet, the needs of the universe, and the needs of those we love first. Economics, anthropology, cognitive science — they bind the cosmos together. Eventually humanities will not be taught, as no one will be here who will want to learn them. As for the natural sciences, they are okay on their own, but they have been tainted by the human race’s tampering. Still, natural sciences will live on in cognitive science, which is a field with both natural and social components. And, while history

is considered a part of the humanities, it will one day be considered indistinguishable from anthropology, the study of those who will only be thought of as a figment of the past.”

“Working with the UCSD campus has been a pleasure,” said a press release from the construction company. “Everywhere we look, we see potential improvement. Did you know that right across from SSO, there’s a building called Applied Physics & Mathematics?

No need to worry, that will come to an end. The Applied Physics and Social Sciences building should be finished

by Winter Quarter 2016.”

The “Applied Physics” part, they clarified, stays because everybody knew it was only there to be ironic in the first place.

“Overall, we’ve compiled a list of 89 possible new building names for prominent buildings on campus,” the press release concluded.

“Administration has been

most welcoming to the Jacobs School of Social Engineering, the San Diego Super Communications Center, and the converting of RIMAC into 20 lecture halls for neurolinguistics courses. Make peace with your fates, UCSD. Hail Comte! Sincerely, Us.” Since then, administration has been placing orders on construction equipment such as cranes, wrecking balls, kerosene, cyanide, and extremely blunt sociology textbooks.

With the planning for all of these building re-designs underway, some students are asking what will come next for our university. Comments made by the cloaked architect representative have spawned rumors of an expansion of UCSD itself, followed by a rebranding.

“Our firm’s current goal,” said the architect, “is to create a constructive environment for the students of what may become Only Social Sciences University.

“And by ‘for,’ we mean ‘without.”

National Bully Health Service Recommends at Least One Knuckle Sandwich a Day

BY ROBERT POND Staff Writer

A

ccording to a new report by the National Bully Health Service, the majority of children require at least one knuckle sandwich a day for normal growth, and to not be such a wimp.

Children ages five to 12 should also receive at least two wet willies a day for better ear health and to avoid infections of cooties that come from being a nerd according to the report.

“We’re looking out for your kids,” said Dr. Rex Hanes of the National Bully Health Service. “If they want to grow up and not act like a damn baby, they should take at least one knuckle sandwich a day. Also, two purple nurples a day is advised for most children throughout adolescence.”

Exempt from the requirement are the bullies themselves, whose immune system and abusive family life lead to their immunity. This makes them ideal for distributing the required knuckle sandwiches, typically at an affordable price.

The report also lists a series of things you can do to “not be such a spaz,” which include taking up “fewer stupid hobbies, not watching baby shows, learning how to play at least one sport well, and not being such a dork.”

“We can’t emphasize this enough,” said Hanes. “We’re giving you this knuckle sandwich because we care about you. You’re a poindexter and we’d like to help you through that.”

The National Honors Society came out against the

V

Staff Writer

alentine’s Day has come and gone, and experts from around the globe have scrambled to compile data about the holiday of romance. Statisticians from the United States Department of Lovemaking worked after February 14 to “invade the privacy of millions of Americans, in the hopes of rehashing common tropes regarding heterosexual relationships, and simplifying the complexity of human intimacy into packaged knowledge that the common American can understand.”

“Well, I happen to follow a lot of my subjects on Twitter, and boy they posted a lot of pictures on Valentine’s Day [cont.],” tweeted statistician Marcus Blower from his official Twitter account. “We at USDL have found a direct correlation between pics posted and the longetivity of relationships.”

Blower later clarified that all couples who post on social media on Valentine’s Day are “totally not seeking attention,” but rather are demonstrating that they will have long, lasting relationships — especially couples who are shown kissing or gingerly embracing.

“These people,” concluded Blower, “they’re really not being assholes by flaunting, you know? They’re all in love, and we have the data to prove it.”

Couples who post in excess of 100 ppm, or “pictures per month,” have been experimentally proven to significantly increase the quality of their relationship, according to Blower’s mother, who “has an eye for these things.”

Janey Socker, conversely, was tasked with compiling data on single individuals on Valentine’s Day. “Oh, yes, there’s some very sad and reclusive people…” testified Socker. “It’s so sad to see things like them.” One of the subjects she observed was a single college male, alias “Jeremy,” of age 21. His real name, Jack Spetzer, is omitted from any printed documents to con-

ceal his identity.

“Jeremy’s deplorable state could be seen throughout the day,” continued Socker. “When he awoke, he snapchatted his face with a slight kissy expression with the caption ‘single life,’ and several frowny face emoticons. The frowny faces really gave me the impression that this man had the worst Valentine’s Day out of anybody.”

Socker continued that, throughout the day, Jeremy personified his food as a companion, and attempted to portray his cat as an intimate partner.

“Jeremy’s choice of attire really screamed ‘single and ready to mingle’ to me — we’ve concluded here at USDL that this is an act of desperation on Jeremy’s end; I mean… nothing could demonstrate more clearly that Jeremy was falling into Valentine’s Day dementia than corduroy pants and a trilby.”

Socker concluded that Valentine’s Day had forced Jeremy into a form of psychosis, requiring him to seek companionship to a hyper extreme.

“Jeremy really became quite a dick. He commented frequently on couples’ photos on facebook, and tended to over elate. For example, on a Class Three Couple (a couple that’s been together for three months) Jeremy wrote, ‘OMG soooooo cute, #goals,’ followed by several crying emoticons.

“It was so embarrassing for him and made him look like a douche, really,” added Socker.

The USDL has proven this year that single people on Valentine’s Day are “totally miserable and complete douchebags,” and that couples, especially those who share their success with others on social media, are going to be together forever. From one of these couples, a woman of alias “Jill” responded on Buzzfeed: “I think that USDL’s statistics are accurate, and I feel that being in a relationship distracts me from dealing with problems that I can’t even say out loud in an empty room, which makes me pretty happy!”

PHOTO BY ROMELLE CANONIZADO

“Man, I’m really glad these beatings are over the counter now! Getting a prescription was such a hassle,” said local teen Logan Connors. request saying it’s “unproven junk science designed to take our lunch money, our allowance, and our dignity.”

“Nah man, we’re just trying to help you, make you less of a baby and not such a wimp,” said Chet Berkeley of Bully International when reached for comment on the National Honors Society’s criticism of the study’s findings.

The study also found that “being a weirdo” was a common side effect of being in serious need of a knuckle sandwich, and that there were also places that were clearly undernourished.

In a televised debate, bul-

ly researchers debated their findings with other experts who came out against these changes.

“Who cares what this weirdo said? He probably never gets laid,” said one of the bully researchers, highfiving a colleague as they laughed throughout the rest of the anti-bully researchers’ rebuttal.

“The moderator was a dweeb so he was out to get us,” said pro-bully activist and debater Rob Henderson.

“What we need is a fair and honest judge, not some obvious loser judge.”

Researchers stressed that school districts should al-

low on-site distribution of knuckle sandwiches, wet willies, and purple nurples during recess, at lunch, and after school.

According to the report, cyber bullying, while useful for keeping your mind straight, is not the best exercise and bullies should consult their neighborhood’s head bully to get a balanced bullying schedule.

“Schoolyard bullies should be commended for giving out the required dosages of knuckle sandwiches and other inoculations in communities across America,” said Henderson. “It’s up to them to save these kids from being such weirdos.”

Don’t act like we didn’t notice International Women’s Day was only 23 hours.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

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UCSD Promises Equal Opportunity for $10 Million

POINT Call Me Crazy, But Jesus Is Kinda Hot, Right?

BY DAMIEN THORN Just Sayin'

I

PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN

The frisbees were later taken back from students because they promoted a fun and interactive environment. “We’re just not about that,” said CFO Pierre Ouillet.

HANNAH ROSENBLATT

Assistant Content Editor

T

he UC San Diego Board of Trustees unveiled a new plan to boost student equity among new admits last Friday, claiming that it would only require an extra $2,000 from each of the 5,000 incoming freshman to ensure them both equal opportunity and a free UCSD frisbee.

"It is of the utmost importance to ensure that each student has an equal opportunity to be a part of the UCSD community," read the statement. "So we took it upon ourselves to increase tuition by $2,000.”

This plan, the Board furthered, will help “eliminate exclusionary policies and favoritism from University Administration.” The Trustees have also identified several exemptions to the tuition increase, including relatives of any past or present members of the Board, and acquaintances of Deborah Reynolds,

who Khosla described as “a dear friend.”

A detailed plan of how the extra $10 million will be used to ensure equal opportunity has yet to be released.

"We're planning on probably having a lot of meetingsnon how to solve this issue, mainly over some brunches or wine," said Clare Kristofco, head of UCSD's Public Relations. "Just scads of meetings during work hours because that stuff takes a lot of effort and funding.

“I can assure you, though, that all of that $10 million will be put towards the betterment of the whole student body, especially those students from Orange County,” continued Kristofco. “It’s really nice up there.” When asked to provide more specific actions and procedures, the representative pointed to the detailed frisbee distribution plan in the statement.

"Any student not willing to provide a small $2,000 more for such an important issue of social justice is not

the type of student we want to join the UCSD community," said Chancellor Pradeep Khosla in response to arguments claiming that a tuition increase would make it difficult for some students to attend.

Many students are in support of the new equal opportunity plan.

"Yeah, equality is good, I guess," said first year Daniel Straton. "That's cool that admins are funding stuff like that.” He did voice some concern about the priorities of the administration, though.

"It would also be cool if they used some funds to build a dining hall that served only ice cream. I don't know why they haven't done that yet.”

Tracy Agamben, a fourth year philosophy student at UCSD, was more critical of the Trustees' policies, and explained that “they're just reinforcing the same heteronormativity already present on this campus by failing to critically reflect on how disadvantaged groups are created by gender-binary viewpoints.

They need to seriously consider how this proposed plan fits into a postmodern framework, otherwise they will never be able to overcome their own subjectivity and solve the root problem of failing to embrace people of all sexualities.”

As a sign of good faith, and to respond to criticism of the plan, UCSD Trustees have already participated in a diversity training session at the Four Seasons Resort in Maui.

The session included seminars focused on topics such as: “Lower-Class Workers Are People Too,” “Why Minorities Don't Always Fail,” and “How to Make a Million Without Impeding on Civil Rights.”

The trustees reported coming out of the training “refreshed” and “enlightened,” and are planning on scheduling another one soon.

The trustees agreed to cease continuing the plan as soon as they have collected the $10 million, after they have finished determining whether or not to increase pay for Trustee members.

Easter Bunny Sees Shadow, Four More Weeks of Darkness

mean, I don’t want to sound like a religious fanatic or anything, but when I see that toned body on the cross, all I can think is, like, he is lookin’ so sacrelicious. I can’t be the only one who thinks this, right? That perfect scruff and that long rippling hair… put that in a man bun and make my heart flutter to high heaven (wink). I follow all the religious grandmothers I can find on tumblr so I can scroll through my feed eyeing those abs, imagining how they’d glisten in the light.

When you think about it, he is, like, just super sexy.

There’s a reason people say his name whenever they’re impressed! Being able to turn water to wine? Like, hello! He would be the perfect plus-one for Judy’s wedding because God knows (get it? lol) that

I am going to need to have some of “his blood” (get it again? lol) to get through that shit show. I would gladly take his body too (wink), but I am going paleo until spring break — get ready Havasu 2k15!

He just seems like an amazing giver and like he'd be super compassionate.

Sharing a message of love is so admirable, and dying for what you believe in has certainly got a part of me rising up. And honey, it didn’t take me three days.

COUNTERPOINT

Girl, You Are Makin’ Me Blush

BY JESUS

Y

Hunkier Than Thou

ou are just too much, chica! And thank you, I think you are pretty cute too. I can see everything up here in heaven and trust me, your hair looks great from a bird's eye view. Is your stylist dead yet?

When your hair is as lusciously thick as mine, you know all those sensual waves can so easily get tousled and wild after strenuous activity (wink).

I'm glad you noticed girl, I was working on that earthly body for so long that it's a shame I don't use it anymore.

I actually created cross-fit to become fit for my crucifixion. So don’t believe the crap those fitness people tell you, I have been flipping tires and doing burpies since, like, a good three years before 0 AD. It was a lot to set aside time from spreading my message to work out every day (except

Sundays, lol) but OMF (oh my Father) when they punched those stakes into my arms I could tell they were mostly just jelly of this hot bod. Like bitch, you wish you were this fab. I am the son of God and I have the rocking delts to prove it.

I def don’t have a problem with you being naughty with a few sins here and there (wink) just be good enough that you can get up to heaven and visit me sometime (double wink).

TOP TEN

Possible Futures If You Drop this Class with a “W”

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

Here comes the Divine One, hoppin’ down the bunny trail. Hippity hoppin’, Holy Righteousness is on its way.

BY JACOB AGUIRRE

A

Copy Editor

Spring tradition of over 1500 years this week went wrong as, for the first time on record, the Easter Bunny was able to see Their shadow following its emergence from hibernation, which ancient texts have described as “a sign that darkness is uponeth us.”

Chaos ensued as misinterpretations of these ancient texts heralded a death sentence for humanity, leaving but four weeks for salvation to be found.

“Yeah, it’s pretty clear that by cross-referencing the ceremony’s prospectus with select texts within the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh, we are doomed,” said Greg Daniels, a wikihow expert on the ancient texts. “They’re

pretty clear: ‘Darkness will fall, and so shall we all.’

“But why now? Why our generation? What have we done to stir the ancient and great darkness held within the Easter Bunny? The end is nigh, and it’s somehow our fault. I haven’t learned another language yet. How will I get to become a locally famous snowboarder now? I wanted to raise a family, and then subsequently lose the children in a drawn out custody battle.”

The superficial bonds of friendship between most have begun to wither away as each person is forced to confront their own mortality, abandoning the allegiances that once would have stopped the random acts of violence that are currently taking place throughout all areas of the world.

“The Carters haven’t touched their ’57 Thunderbird in over six years,” said Orlando resident Kelly Gillian, sprinting down the suburban block. “They can’t take it to the end, and Mama K has always wanted to see Philly.”

Plunged into darkness, humanity has begun to search for the light within that will bring about prosperity and avoid ruin. That “light” has taken a physical form in the Easter Bunny, claims one particularly radical group who identify as “The Salvationists.”

“The Easter Bunny was the beginning and will be the end,” preached Salvationist Martin Langely from his info booth at the Park & 60th corner outside of Central Park.

“We must fight this never ending darkness with itself, in the same way that our

forefathers taught us to fight fire with fire.”

The group is currently in possession of the Easter Bunny, trying desperately to release its inner darkness by holding Them to the heavens.

“Y’all have the wrong idea,” claimed the godlike Easter Bunny, trying to shield Their eyes from the sun. “I mean, how does it even make sense that if I see my shadow that means that there will be darkness?

“If anything, this is the first year blessed by Light.

You mortals understand not the powers with which you are meddling.”

At press time, the powers that be declined to comment why Punxsutawney Phil had not been held accountable for the long winters that had ravaged small, rural communities for centuries.

10. Everyone follows your example and drops with a "W." The professor curves it so a "W" is a passing grade 9. You’ll learn that in life it is about the destination, not the journey 8. Graduate school commends you on the diversity of your transcript 7. Your GPA doesn’t change, but the font starts looking kinda shady 6. Go to rehab next quarter so you can explain the grade in future applications 5. You wait right up until the deadline so you can still trash the professor on CAPE 4. You become the successful producer of a biopic about a former president 3. You die in that tragic bee fire, but that was going to happen anyways 2. This is where your midlife crisis begins, who knows where it will end 1. You will never ever be a doctor. Bright side?

That was going to be soul crushing anyways Please, take us to the beach. We want to see the sunset one last time.

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge

March 11, 2015

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Page 11

Tupac Comes Out to the Public, Faked First Orgasm

BrokeNCYDE To Play Sun God, Students To Play With Cyanide Capsules

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

Students in line for the hypnotist were disheartened to discover only more teased hair, Hot Topic scarves, and broken men inside the hypnotist's tent.

BY ANTHONY SHOWALTER

Staff Writer runkcore pioneers BrokeNCYDE have recently issued a statement via Twitter that they intend to perform at this year’s Sun God Festival. This decision has caused several UC San Diego students to protest the band’s spot on the bill via a Facebook group, citing the band as “the worst shit ever” and “as bad as week-old garbage covered in horse vomit” among other, similar insults. Undeterred, the band maintains their intent to play.

BrokeNCYDE formed in Albuquerque, New Mexico in 2006 as one of the first groups to fuse crunk with screamo, resulting in a sound described by one student in the anti-BrokeNCYDE group as “the sound of a thousand toddlers cracked out on pixie sticks trying to play a Moog synth but with far less competence.” This comment garnered 824 likes in one hour. After switching to a lower profile in 2012, the band started releasing singles again in 2014, causing the further hate, as well as a decent amount of weeping over the past from 2008’s scene kids.

“Comparing the band to Nickelback is an insult to Nickelback,” said Paul Gonzales, admin of UCSD’s Anti-BrokeNCYDE group. “They fail on all levels of artistic expression and we cannot allow them to take over our festival. Gilbert Gottfried reciting ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ for an hour would be a much, much better alternative to dealing with BrokeNCYDE’s ‘drek’ for even 10 minutes.”

After starting an Indiegogo campaign in December with a goal of $30,000 that only made $1,421 towards the production and marketing of their next album, BrokeNCYDE decided that going on tour was the only way to make any money and ended up being booked for SGF, appearing

C The woman said she knew he was faking and commented it was because Tupac Shakur’s hips don’t lie.

BY AMIN FOZI

A

Staff Writer

cclaimed rapper Tupac Shakur, out in public for the first time since being declared dead in 1996, told a crowd of reporters today that, true to the rumors, he had faked pleasure during his first sexual experience, confirming many years of speculation and rumors amongst the general public.

“I’m sorry that I had to hide the truth from my fans for so long” said Shakur. “I’m sorrier that I had to deceive the current Mrs. Laura Fuller, who I am glad has been living well, moving past our awkward experience.”

While he didn’t speak extensively on the subject, fans have speculated on the

nature of this encounter for years. According to most interpretations, Shakur and Fuller met when they were both 16. After dating a while, with actual length depending on how certain lyrics of Shakur’s songs are interpreted, the two of them found themselves in bed with each other. Fans always suspected there was something fishy about that hidden story, and Shakur has dispelled the speculation: he was faking it.

As this theory turns out to be true, new life has been breathed into older theories concerning Tupac’s secrets. It now seems far more plausible, some say, that Tupac Shakur also held a bake sale in his garage, hired somebody else to go to kindergarten for him, and only ever did vocals for

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

two of his albums, with neither having been released yet.

“When people talk about me,” said Shakur during the press conference, “the sky is the limit. I hate to bring down fans’ creativity, but everyone needs to remember that there are only so many things that I could be hiding. And sometimes, an album name is just an album name.

“Except for when it’s not,” he added, flashing a furtive glance to a reporter in the back row.

It’s largely speculated that there he was referring to the posthumous album that most greatly influenced the now confirmed theory of his fake orgasm, “The Dong Killuminaughty: The 7 Minute Theory.”

“The difficult thing with being a public figure,” Shakur

said, “is that I hardly get any privacy, but I still feel guilty whenever I mislead people.

Maybe down the line people will be saying that I should have kept the particulars of my early sex life a secret, but for now I feel like I’ve just been brought back to life. I’m nervous, it’s a painful truth, but I feel like it’s adding something to the enjoyment of my career”.

Whatever conspiracies regarding Shakur emerge in the future, there’s one that still doesn’t seem plausible enough to work. The awardwinning artist took time at the end of the conference to re-confirm that he did not fake his death 19 years ago.

Despite his word, fans will continue to hope that he’s still alive, no matter what.

PROFESSOR DEVASTATED AS STUDENT CORRECTS MINOR MISTAKE IN LECTURE

STUDENT PAPER ISN'T JUST A MOUTHPIECE FOR THE UNIVERSITY

Last Wednesday’s LING 121 lecture was interrupted midway through as second year student and acclaimed pedant Jeffrey Wey fixed a minor spelling error his professor made on the board.

Ever since Wey blurted out, “I think you mean the other kind of here,” there have been no reported sightings of Professor Brown.

A statement was collected from his wife, trying to account for his whereabouts.

“He just never came home that day and he wouldn’t pick up his phone,” reported Laura Brown. “Then, later that night, while I was sleeping, I heard some ruffling downstairs but didn’t think much of it. The next morning I found the liquor cabinet empty and all my Prozac gone.”

The police department organized a manhunt for Professor Brown. It got underway late Thursday evening, and was almost 96 hours in when the professor was located in a pub. He was found speaking to no one with an empty glass in his hand.

“Dammit George,” the professor was overheard saying. “You knew it was the other “here.” That Jeffrey kid really caught you with your pants down. Oh, how humiliating! How can you go back to your children? Your colleagues will surely lose respect for you. Oh geez, how can you ever satisfy your wife again? No, better to just wither away hear. Hear no one will here my last faint breaths on this cruel planet.”

"While some have suggested that student papers are highly censored by a higher authority, in reality, the relationship between the public relations department of a university and the staff of a school paper is much more nuanced and cooperative.

"The university is in fact very supportive of its students body’s endearing journalistic efforts, and does it’s best to provide access to all the press releases they will need. They are so dedicated to this goal that we personally ensure that no wishy-washing sources gets through the pipeline first, and confuse the delicate sensibilities of its reporters. By making research as quick and easy as possible, the university saves its students valuable time they can dedicate to their classes or unpaid internships.

“Honestly, this image that that people have conjured up; of student papers full of youthful, idealistic champions struggling against an oligarchical organization dedicated to squashing their dreams of meaningful investigative work all to maintain a facade of utopian order and fairness, to be insulting.

It minimizes the important work student papers do informing the the college of course requirement changes,” said UC San Diego News Center representative Caroline Click in a press release Tuesday.

BRIEFER MADNESS FRESHMAN PROPS UCSD CONSTRUCTION DOOR OPEN, WHOLE WORKERS REQUIRED SCHOOL BURNS DOWN TO TAKE DEI CLASS This Friday marks the one-month anniversary of the UC San Diego campus fire that ravaged dorms in Muir, Marshall, and Sixth Colleges, as well as several lecture halls, administration buildings, and coffee carts.

The fire was accidentally started when Muir freshman Aaron Black propped his door open, causing the whole of Muir to spontaneously combust. Students will be holding a memorial service for the estimated 376 people who died in the tragic fire.

“He did it once before and I warned him,” said Black’s House Advisor Michelle Gruen, tearfully. “I said ‘Aaron, I know you want to air out the dorm, but leaving the door open is a fire hazard. It’s just not safe.”

Gruen said her best friend and ex-roommate Amie had passed away in the conflagration, although Gruen herself had survived since she was off campus with friends at the time.

Black had propped the door open when he wanted to “pop out for a snack without having to take along his keys.” Soon after he left the building, smoke began to rise from his dorm and flames began to spread to other buildings, witnesses said.

“I didn’t mean for all this to happen,” Black croaked, looking horrified at the destruction he had caused.

“I didn’t think leaving my door open wouldlead to this."

Following recent allegations of sexual harassment

by UC San Diego students against “strangely Bostonian” construction workers, all construction workers hired for UCSD’s variety of renovations will now be required to fulfill a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion credit before starting work.

This policy change has resulted in, for the first time, the UCSD Critical Gender Studies major being impacted.

“I really wasn’t expecting this,” said CGS major Sandra Mayers. “I mean, my classes are now mostly middle-aged men shouting the answers while eating out of lunch boxes. Weirdly, they’re driving the curve up.”

“Actually, the construction workers are some of the best CGS students we’ve ever had,” said Chair of the Critical Gender Studies Department, Fatima El-Tayeb. “I mean, basically, they come in with a complete understanding of the structures of patriarchy and the struggles faced by women, being that they are essentially a pure expression of them. So you just have to teach them the term ‘intersectionality’ and then you’re done.”

Since the start of the policy, there has reportedly been no decrease in actual incidents of cat calling, but a major shift to more “PC terms” in them, which UCSD administration is reportedly “counting as a win.”

on the bill for an undisclosed amount of money.

“If they end up getting paid with beer or food stamps, I wouldn’t be surprised,” said Gonzales.

Students unfamiliar with the band soon became acquainted through the roster, resulting in pain and misery campuswide.

“I was pissed that Diplo wasn’t playing again this year, then I saw this BrokeNCYDE thing,” commented sophomore Emily Post. “Then I saw the video for ‘Freaxxx’ and I almost gouged out my eardrums with dull pencils. Or did I go for my eyes first? Hell, I could’ve gone to feed my hands into meat grinders for typing the name of the song into YouTube to begin with.”

Hope Stevens, a physics undergraduate at UCSD, has estimated that BrokeNCYDE playing SGF 2015 will have disastrous consequences.

“Let’s say they follow a really good band,” said Stevens.

“BrokeNCYDE’s shittiness in juxtaposition with the previous band’s greatness could create a rift so massive that all concertgoers will be consumed in its wake. People might be turned into rainbowcolored scene kids within the rift as well, a fate worse than death. This must be avoided!”

A recent poll taken by UCSD’s Associated Students concluded that 28 percent of students want BrokeNCYDE off the bill; 35 percent responded with “Who’s BrokeNCYDE?” and the remaining 37 percent responded that they “will be too drunk to care,” which could mean that the band stays on the bill.

“If we manage to get Kendrick Lamar on the bill again then he might be enough to counteract the baboon’s anus that is BrokeNCYDE,” said Gonzales, mildly optimistic.

“But BrokeNCYDE must go first to prevent the scene kid rift.”

TOP TEN

Reasons Why UCSD Students Look Startled when You Say Hello 10. They're not used to seeing someone with a face grafted onto the side of their head 9. You did say it through their second story window 8. No characters in League of Legends say hello 7. You just said your last goodbyes 6. “But I shot you. I watched you die!”

5. They’re working at HDH for the money, not to make friends 4. It's not every day that an orphan gets to meet their estranged father 3. “Hello” is a code word that activates their Soviet sleeper agent training 2. This is how the dream where they died started 1. Maybe that's just how they look, you judgmental bastard

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PTA Newsletter

How to Deal with

It’s a new era we live in. Kids are running around with all means of accessing a newfangled and dangerous world. With the Facebook, the Snapchat, and the online drug markets, how are we supposed to keep our children away from the substances that will melt their innards into a viscous liquid, which will seep through their pores and drive them to premarital pregnancy and gutter huffing? Don’t let that happen. Use this comprehensive guide, and keep them safe.

New Drug Trends That Might Be in

March 11, 2015

TEENAGE DRUG USE t Say No! s u J o t s y a 7 Cool W

YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

Moms, remember to check your children's internet history. They might be torrenting drugs.

In rare circumstances, adolescents have been found putting pop rocks into tear ducts, or doing meth.

“Plop plop, fizz fizz” — Kids trip balls on Alka Seltzer.

“No, sorry, I’m on paleo.”

Tak shadeeosff your shu letters “to reveal tthter below yN” and “O” e our eye s.

Modern teens take hemorrhoid cream and put it on the inside of their bottom lips. This makes their lips really numb. E.g.: “Yo friend, would you like to get together ‘tween classes and get thbpbpthpt?”

“I will if you add me on LinkedIn.”

Check your medicine cabinets.

Kids today are constantly getting high and your Alzheimer’s pills keep going missing.

Hot new drugs on the market: Kids are now injecting themselves with influenza and measles vaccines.

Some kids carry EpiPens in their backpacks at all times. They’re looking for that post-peanut butter high.

to Don’t respseonvedral r fo s text en say, days, andath have , n “Woah m ing Ion. I o g t lo a to totally forgotht is .” to d n respo

“No thanks waiting , I’m marriage‘t.”il

Explain that you ran out of money for rehab, so you can’t risk it right now. don’t think “I’m sorrymIake a deal we canI see some until . Do you credentiarelsferences?” have any

Mom Profiles

There’s lots of different ways to completely control your child’s every movement; everyone has their own style. And that’s fine! Here’s some parenting tips that will align with the two most common and effective types of superparents:

Hard-Ass Mom Confrontation Method:

I caught my kid lighting up once. The first thing I did was make him smoke all his marijuana in one sitting. That’s what my dad did when he discovered my burgeoning heroin addiction in the 70s.

My kid didn’t seem to care too much at first, so I told him his dealer is absolute shit and that he needs a better hookup. A couple of days later I caught him smoking again. Then, I snuck into his room when he was sleeping, dipped his rolling papers in PCP, and let the fun unfold the following afternoon. That ought to teach the little leech.

Overly PassiveAggressive Mom Method: I’m the kind of mom that doesn’t like conflict, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. Instead of butting heads, I rely on more subtle methods to shape and ultimately control my deary’s life. When I first found marijuana while casually doing laundry and going through all her things, I made it a point to move her stash every time she left the house, so she’d think she had brain damage. Haha, what a hoot. I also led lectures at her school about why drugs are bad, and I made sure all the students knew who my little angel was. Some people call it emotionally abusive and manipulative, I call it a great way to both avoid issues and ensure my baby’s safety.

4:45 5:00 a.m.

Bugle reveille wake-up calls

5:00 5:30 a.m.

Sneak a 5-Hour Energy into their cereal

5:30 a.m.

- 2 p.m.

Home School

2:00 3:30 p.m.

Bible study, but only the fucked up parts over and over

3:30 4:30 p.m.

Wax on, wax off repeatedly. Catch flies with chopsticks

4:30 5:00 p.m.

Search all their clothing for drug paraphernalia such as pipes, papers, spoons, lint, hopes, Plan B

5:00 7:00 p.m.

Two hours of playing the E major scale up and down consecutively

7:00 7:15 p.m.

“Just come meet her! She’s the new neighbor’s daughter and she’s an equestrian, you know”

7:15 8:15 p.m.

Bedtime reading of “Death of a Salesman” for moral support

8:15 8:30 p.m.

Child tries to open liquor cabinet, which you’ve electrically wired for negative reinforcement therapy

Timeline The tried-and-true way to make certain that your child does not partake in street drugs, such as “the devil’s dandruff” and that “loud kush,” is to make sure your child does not have any free time. Here is one example of a safe child’s schedule, sent into us by Marcy from Maryland.