The MQ Volume 21 Issue 2

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

November 5, 2014

“You know what ‘FEAR’ stands for? It stands for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.” — Kaci Hickox, Quarantined Maine Nurse

Has anyone noticed that this line hasn’t changed for the last three issues?

Apple To Begin Capitalizing on Siri Romance Trend BY EVVAN BURKE

A

Staff Writer

pple announced this week that in an effort to stay competitive and respond to user feedback, they will begin making their phones more compatible with romantic relationships. The news comes as other companies have begun revealing their own plans to corner the digital romance market. Windows has already released ads comparing the smoother voice of their AI Cortana to Siri’s “bone-killing digital tone deafness.” Google has reportedly begun filming a concept video for a holographic attachment to the Nexus to be released in 2030, and Nokia has begun a body positive poster campaign in Asia. “We’ve seen the response our users have had to Academy Award-winning films like ‘Her,’” said Apple CEO and President of U2 Fan Club WeAsWell Tim Cook in a press release. “And we feel we’re finally ready to give our customers what they want. “Our screens may be smaller and our speakers may

IN THIS ISSUE EBOLA HYSTERIA HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS

3

SAN DIEGO PREPARES WINTER OLYMPIC BID

4

PARANORMAL EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

6, 7

KHOSLA CAUGHT IN CRIME SPREE OREGON ORGAN HARVEST FESTIVAL

9 11

NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE AND KATHERINE WOOD

“Maybe after dinner we can go back to my place and put on that case I bought you for Valentine’s Day?” said Edwards. be awkwardly placed, but our research shows that Siri is significantly hotter than any other phone on the market, most likely due to its slim figure and smaller charging port.” Apple also insists that Siri’s history will give them a com-

petitive edge. “We were the first sexy phone, and we’re not going to let that go easily,” said Cook. “We’ve already secured a partnership with tech company Fleshlight and we believe that customers are going to appre-

ciate the resulting immerison the iPhone will provide.” The Genius Bar will also be changing to accommodate predicted customer concerns, including a more in-depth

See SIRI, page 2

Nation Dutifully Exercises Right To Complain after Not Voting BY GARRETT CHAN

Assistant Design Editor

A

mericans all across this “great bastion of the western democratic process” completed one of the most vital civic duties known to citizens of the United States this past Tuesday — complaining about election results after exercising their right to not vote. The right, which dates back to the Founding Fathers, was often ignored until the end of the Reagan administration. At this time, many wealthy suburbanites realized, after not attending any HOA meetings and insisting on hydrangeas around the clubhouse until maintenance put in the “goddamn hydrangeas,” that they very well also had the right to forgo the annual trip to the firehouse or community center to fill in their ballot, and the right to then snipe about which uppity success story from the projects was now on city council. The right to complain about something voters decided not to say anything about the day before, unlike ever-increasing upward mobility, has spread from the wealthy to all classes. The growing proportion of voters who describe themselves as “apathetic” is now roughly equal across all socioeconomic groups, and is only slightly outpaced by the proportion of Yahoo! usernames with “true_patriot” in them. So far this year, an estimated 92.6 percent of election guides have been recycled before reaching the pile of mail on the kitchen counter, while 4.1 percent are opened “to check for coupons.” An additional two to three percent are composted immediately af-

Volume XXI Issue II

AREA MAN DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED BY ACTUAL MEANING OF TERM “CONGRESSIONAL RACES” “I mean, I guess what I was picturing was sort of a ‘two men, one track’ set up, you know? We’d put like, Carl DeMaio and Scott Peters out there, and whoever runs across that line first, no matter how out of breath, would be it,” Ali stated last week as he emailed his coworkers that the betting pool would be closing. “Compared to that, popular vote is just a little disappointing. Though I guess it wouldn’t have been fair for whomever went up against Paul Ryan with his P80X or whatever, that

guy’s ripped. But still, it just seems like it would be more fun for everyone. And you know, isn’t that what we really need in trying times like these?” Studies have found that “perhaps, yes, yes it is.” The election itself, which is, to be clear, neither a NASCAR, swimming, running, nor flying race, will take place soon. Ali himself “supposes” he will vote, but was really hoping to watch Rand Paul “black out from the G-forces from a drift race turn” and crash into a safety wall.

THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES GOING HUNGRY IN PREPARATION FOR THANKSGIVING

PHOTO BY COLE STEFFENSEN

“I don’t know what Frost was talking about. I’m enjoying the ‘road more traveled’ thing,” said one citizen. ter reaching the U.S. Postal Service as part of the agency’s “Go Green! Wet Paper!” initiative. It was not surprising, then, that eligible voters from Maine to Alaska turned out in droves on Tuesday to go home and watch “NCIS,” only vaguely remembering that night was the midterm election. However, Benjamin Horthy, a member of the Beltway think tank People Now America, was more optimistic about the continued decline in voter turnout. “Americans are finding new, innovative ways to voice their thoughts about the nation’s direction,” Horthy opined. “Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram — if I mention these social media sites enough times, people

will believe that think tanks are more in tune with current trends in American society than Cosmo.” One bright spot in the lead-up to the midterm elections has come by way of NPR, which did a special series on voters across America; many of the interviewees were well-informed and enthusiastic to vote. In discussing the potential impact of the program, NPR issued the following statement: “While we at NPR are proud of the work we have done to motivate voters, we realize that the people who don’t vote are even less likely to listen to an NPR segment about voting.” NPR may have spoken too soon. Over 8,000 comments were posted on NPR’s arti-

cle on the midterm election results as of this morning, ranging from a lengthy, eloquent analysis of the Alaskan senatorial race to a lengthy, eloquent compilation of “fuck you” and its variants. Both selections, the former comparable to a New York Times op-ed and the latter to a New York Times used as toilet paper, were posted by non-voters from Oregon, who, nevertheless, went to their computers to perform this sacred civic duty. Neither had listened to the NPR segment, but had arrived at the comments section by way of seeing an “I voted” sticker on the ground, and then remembering to get on the internet and have their say, before the other side won the truly important battles.

LOCAL PUZZLE WONDERS IF HE’LL EVER BE FINISHED

AREA MAN GOING TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THESE PLANTS

Takes a trip through puzzleEurope just to find himself

Attempts to add real foliage to family tree

Citizens of third-world countries have decided to join Americans in the annual tradition of slimming down before Thanksgiving, sympathizing with the Western difficulty of too much food to choose from on the big day. Sociologists discovered the trend this year when studying the daily intake of people of various countries and noting that while those in Great Britain, France, and Australia all had about the same level of food consumption, the United States shared a decreased consumption trend with Zimbabwe, Liberia, and Nepal. In fact, anthropologists have revealed that these countries seem to be even more enthusiastic about preparing for Thanksgiving. In the effort to keep a svelte figure and still be able

to enjoy Thanksgiving to the fullest, Nepalese woman Prirana Shah said that she was planning to perform manual labor, including repairing her bamboo-andmud house, as well as keep a diet of rice and lentil soup for at least the next few weeks. Similarly, Nigerian teenager Amadou Chukwu told researchers that his daily routine for the next few weeks will include hauling a five-gallon jug of water from the well in the center of town, which reflects the newly popular exercise regimen in the United States, the “loaded carry.” Cultural anthropologist Stuart Wilson remarked, “It’s nice to see that people from around the world can have such similar ways of preparing for a holiday that only applies to one country.”

FIGHT INTERRUPTED BY HOCKEY GAME An eagerly anticipated fight last weekend between Milan Lucic and Brandon Prust was interrupted by a hockey game between the Ottawa Senators and the Boston Bruins. “We came here all the way from Philly to see those two go at it,” said Roger Matheson, who was found standing dejectedly outside of Boston’s TD Garden, the unmistakable sounds of a hockey game clearly audible in the background. “They were brawling for

a good minute or two,” he went on. “But then this guy in a striped shirt broke them up. I thought it was just for them to take a break, but then these guys with wooden sticks started whacking a piece of rubber around. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. “Well, almost. The strangest thing would be having a boxing match on an ice rink. Isn’t that kind of unsafe?” he added.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

November 5, 2014

Studies Show Incoming Freshman Totally Getting Involved

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Siri

phone cleaning process and relationship counseling that comes with the two-year warranty. As a whole, Apple users seem to be responding positively to the changes, saying that their phone contract already provided as much commitment as they could handle, and was typically the longest relationship they’d been in. A survey of recently single women expressed a belief that a phone would be preferred to their last partner. “At least a phone will remember my birthday,” an anonymous participant said. “And it can vibrate.” Student Max Edwards, a longtime Apple customer, said that while Apple’s encourage-

ment makes it “a little weird,” he’s willing to “try anything at this point.” “Every relationship has its faults,” Edwards added, clinging to his new iMate, a screen printed body pillow with Bluetooth capabilities. “But I have a good feeling about this one. This one’s different.” Changes are expected to begin with the next iOS update, when Siri will begin giving more vague opinions when asked about restaurants, and contain a new bank of responses to questions such as “Why did you delete her from my contacts?,” “Well clearly something is wrong, so what is it?,” and “Well, then why don’t you start seeing the USB charger if it’s so much better than I am?”

TOP TEN

Changes to History if Queen Elizabeth Were Taylor Swift

PHOTO BY DAVID LEE

“Whoa, man, it’s like a lot of trust for me to write down my PID before I get my pizookie. Maybe after,” said freshman Meghan Dodd to an overzealous member of Anthropology Club. “All of the freshmen take bership deficiency is a thing of give my email out to so many BY OMRI LEVIA Staff Writer

N

ew research from the ACMS School of Email has recently confirmed that UCSD freshman are “totally getting involved” across the board in terms of campus-wide activities. “The results are unprecedented,” says researcher Ilsa Mueller. “Never before have we seen so many freshmen actively pursuing on-campus activities. The phenomenon spans various clubs and activity groups, and can notably be seen with the Free Pizza Club, Korean Barbecue at 6 p.m., and the notorious CTA, or Complimentary Towel Association.” The precedent was set during Muir’s activity fair, and the ongoing club info sessions on Library Walk.

our info handouts,” commented Sai Zablenut, captain of the varsity dragon boat team. “They’re really interested in what’s going on.” “On average, each freshman went home with about nine pamphlets, and by my calculations, that’s a lot,” said Director of Pamphlet Affairs Pam Fletting. “We’ve never had such a large interest before.” Fletting later denied speculation that the numbers were high due to overly aggressive handing-out techniques. Since new students are so eager to get involved in campus activities, she claims they are often seen skimming said pamphlets and storing them for later use in their recycle bins. It also appears that the alleged “large time commitment” stigma that has been the main cause of club mem-

the past for the Class of 2018. “I’ve put my email down for like, seven clubs,” noted freshman Donnie Redcliff. “I’m definitely going to go at least once a week to that one thing. It looks pretty cool.” Indeed, freshmen are sectioning more of their time to the social sphere, and like Redcliff, are showing vast levels of time commitment for their newfound passions. On average, freshmen ranked first in both “most likely to do that next quarter” and in “emails written down.” ACMS data analysts claim that new students “legitimately want to do everything they put their email down for,” and aren’t just trying to “reduce their social anxiety from sophomore year of high school.” “I never thought I could

groups, I really put myself out there,” an anonymous Marshall College freshmen admitted. “I finally have so many things to call my mom about and ironically post about on social media, like how I am totally going to go to that yoga class that she’s been telling me about.” UCSD freshmen have most definitely made a niche for themselves on campus. The upperclassmen are regularly seen beaming with respect and pride knowing that their hard work of founding and maintaining clubs has been exploited to the fullest extent by eager freshmen. “They wouldn’t come if it weren’t for the free food,” said Hailey Johnson, captain of the Korean BBQ Club. “But at least they give their emails. That shows dedication.”

10. The song “78” wouldn’t have been very popular 9. The Queen of England would become a sex icon. Just kidding, she already is 8. Churchill would have interrupted her coronation to declare that Queen Victoria was one of the best queens of all time 7. “She wears short skirts, I wear tiaras” 6. England finally wins Eurovision 5. Egypt-Israel Peace Treaty would’ve gone double platinum 4. “The King’s Speech” takes place at the VMAs 3. Taylor Swift would be the figurehead of a different bloated and corrupt institution 2. Not required to wear red coats, but required to buy “Red” on iTunes 1. Prince Harry now named after a lost love You’ve misunderestimated us.

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief.............................Riley Mallory Managing Editor..........................Hillary Chan Managing Editor.....................Andrew Deneris Content Editor..........................Natalie McLain Content Editor...............................Barak Tzori Design Editor.................................Kyle Trujillo Assistant Design Editor...............Garrett Chan Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee

Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor................................Jacob Aguirre Publicity Chair........................Cole Steffensen Social Chair..............................Trevor Malone Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert MQ Dad..........................................Sora Chee Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Katie Brown Evvan Burke Andrew Buss Bora Buyuktimkin Corina Cadiz Romelle Canonizado Angelique De Castro

Wesley Chan Dylan Everingham Phillip Hodgson Lauren Kirkbride Shruti Khandai Kayle Kvinge David Lee Omri Levia Ben Levin

Uma Mahto Tracy McDowell Julia Mechali Drew Nguyen Andre Olson Audrey Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne

Kendra Quinlan Hannah Rosenblatt Brian Seibert Anthony Showalter Samantha Stevens Luke Tribble Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kayle Wang

Booster Club Just emerging from a fugue state. What have we done? Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2014 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. It’s 12:13 a.m. and we’re careening headlong towards final printout. It’s hard to believe that it’s going to be done so early. There’s some chance we might be out of here before 5 a.m., and, I’m terrified to think, maybe even before 4 a.m. That’s thanks to all of our editors hard work; I am always so staggered by what you do. And thank you for all the contribution and emotional support of both new and old staff members. A special thanks to three new members who’ve been with us almost to the end (not death hopefully, just finishing the newspaper) — Hannah, Matt, and Evvan. But also, thanks to Samantha, Omri, Kendra, and Jaz who stopped by to bring their own voice into The MQ and their fresh faces into our tired, worn presence.

Thank you to Sora, who brought the supplies needed to play “Bobbing for Bananas,” and to Katherine, who brought apples for human consumption.Thank you to Hillary, who brought us pumpkin pie for nourishment, and Elizabeth for her disturbing cake. Thank you to Kyle, who brought us candy to draw in unwitting strangers. Thank you to Allie, who made a deeply unnerving visit to deliver candy. Thank you to Barak, who bought Red Vines, and thanks to Howard, who once again brought Kaylee the Dog. Thank you to Andrew, who picked up soda. Finally, a special thanks to all the new members who showed their charming faces here and helped us make this paper we love so much.

theMQ.org

November 5, 2014

Page 3

Greek Students Rush Greek Orgs, Disappointment Ensues

American Public Protests “Object Permanence” Theory

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Quick, make a Facebook campaign about Brazil so we can make our two o’clock!” said backpacker Rob Smid. BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT

A “What’s the Greek word for ‘shut up and drink, pledge?’” said pledgemaster David Burns. BY ANDREW DENERIS

Managing Editor dramatic number of dropouts from fraternities and sororities at UCSD has been linked to a group of Greek exchange students who mistakenly rushed these “Greek organizations” this quarter, believing them to be cultural clubs. In a joint statement, the campus’ Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Society estimated that they had seen approximately 50 Greek students rescind their pledges after learning that fraternities and sororities were not, in fact, composed of enthusiasts of the culture of Greece. “I was really nervous that I would lose touch with my Greek roots when I came here,” said Nicholas Papandakis, a member of the 200-student delegation from Thessaloniki participating in an exchange program. “But then I found out that they had ‘Greek

A

orgs’ here. Tons of them! “Little did I know that they don’t have anything to do with Greece,” he added. Many of the Greek students first lost interest when they saw the names of these Greek orgs. “One of them was spelled ‘Pi Beta Phi,’” said Sofia Metaxis, a native of Crete who had rushed the sorority at the start of the quarter. “That literally just says ‘pbph.’ That isn’t even a word!” Statistics on this quarter’s rush suggest that the grammatical incorrectness of the names was enough to discourage most of the Greek students. However, some students, like Papandakis, gave the organizations the benefit of the doubt and rushed anyway, with some assuming that the names were acronyms. “I got a bid, and they invited me to the first party of the quarter. So I decided I would impress them with my reper-

toire of Greek cuisine,” said Papandakis, who until recently was a pledge of Delta Chi. “I made souvlaki, spanakopita, and even baklava. Plus I brought enough ouzo to flood Athens. “But the ‘brothers,’ as they called themselves for some reason, looked at me like I was crazy — it was like they had never heard of moussaka! And when one of them tried my ouzo, he spit it out and said that it tasted like ‘licorice.’ “Needless to say, I was convinced at that point that these people didn’t know the first thing about being Greek,” Papandakis added. Other Greek pledges, like Alexander Medos, took issue with the theme of the party. “The weirdest part for me was that they were all wearing togas,” said Medos, a friend and fellow pledge of Papandakis. “So I thought maybe they were celebrating Ancient Greece. But all they did was

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

run around yelling ‘TOGA! TOGA!’ “I’m pretty sure that Plato and Socrates didn’t do that.” When reached for comment, IFC spokesman Robert Stern was unsure of what caused the large attrition rate among the ethnically Greek students. “We thought they’d love it,” said Stern. “The Greek system here pays the ultimate homage to their culture by using their alphabet for something other than mathematical formulas and honoring the clothing of their ancient culture. “But I guess they just didn’t have what it takes to be truly Greek.” At press time, a group of Greek students had started their own fraternity, Lambda Alpha Sigma, which almost immediately applied for a bailout from AS reserve funds due to numerous unpaid debts.

Area Journalist May Have Been Exposed to Ebola Hysteria BY SORA CHEE

MQ Dad s the United States prepares to combat the arrival of the Ebola virus on the continent, concerns have arisen that San Diego-area journalist Eric Warren may have come in contact with a related virus, Ebola Hysteria, during a visit to New York for a national journalism convention. Over 200 journalists were present at the New York convention, which was intended to educate journalists on the diverse array of topics to be covered in news media in 2014. The event coordinators were unsure how Ebola Hysteria arrived at the three-day convention, but the Center for Disease Control has indefinitely quarantined 225 other reporters who attended the conference as a minor “safety precaution.” Warren began showing symptoms of Ebola Hysteria last Monday after he arrived in San Diego. Doctors described him as feverish, paranoid, and shaky, and his wife told hospital workers he was experiencing nausea, had bloodshot eyes, was unable to stop speaking about Ebola and was compulsively reading and writing over 100 Ebola-related articles per day. Warren was quarantined in his Chula Vista apartment last Monday, and he now awaits his blood screening results for hypochondriasis. While the CDC classifies the Ebola virus as “difficult” to contract — the virus can only spread through direct contact with infected bodily fluid — Ebola Hysteria has been classified as “pathetically easy” to contract once exposed, and may be transmitted through sight or sound.

A

Staff Writer

large portion of America's general public has joined together to protest the concept of object permanence, after realizing that news stories started suddenly disappearing from existence as soon as they looked away. Although the idea of object permanence has been questioned by small groups of individuals for some time, the recent discovery that Brazil's protests and economic strife seem to have vanished shortly after the World Cup has triggered more unified action. Demonstrations, demanding proof that Brazil's lower class still exists, were held early last week in several cities across the U.S. and parts of Denmark, where people took turns walking behind a wall and not coming out the other side. Americans were made aware of the political unrest caused by unequal wealth distribution in Brazil by headlines describing outrage from the poor about government money being directed towards preparations for the World Cup instead of improving working conditions or wages. The situation seemed unlikely to be settled in the near future, however, and by the end of last July it appeared to disappear from public view as people reported that after looking away from their TVs or newspapers, they returned to find no validation of Brazil's existence. After further examination, Americans discovered they were unable to affirm the existence of other similar occurrences including the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Mitt Romney, and the Harlem Shake. “People are right to question object permanence, as it is impossible for such large objects or groups of people to simply remain hidden from modern media sources,” says Professor Shelby Piaget. “The only sensible explanation for the sudden halt in news coverage of these significant topics is the complete elimination of

objects pertaining to them.” The questioning of object permanence has created high levels of concern in individuals, as they fear that by looking away from news stories, they will lead to the elimination of places and people involved. It has also made it difficult for people to act on important issues, according to local philanthropist Felicia Kagan. “I am generally only able to update my social media in support of a cause before it becomes virtually non-existent,” Kagan commented. Supporters of the “non-permanence” movement are demanding an explanation from the Obama Administration as to whether or not object permanence is a valid theory, and if not, how they are planning to deal with vanishing powers in the international arena. In the past, people have also disputed the notion of “object permanence,” arguing that it was publicized as a psychological theory only to reassure the general public that there is political and economic stability; by having them imagine that objects such as money and political figures can never cease to exist, but rather are only hidden. Others are skeptical about the psychological community's attempt to label anything as “permanent,” claiming that it is overly deterministic to reduce anything to an entity that lacks potential for spontaneous change. “I take comfort in the idea that one day my dirty laundry or mother-in-law could disappear when I close my eyes, or duck behind a bush, and I don't think anybody has the right or evidence to tell me differently,” said New Jersey protester Toby Baillargeon. Now, skepticism about the theory has transferred to a larger audience. The government has not yet responded to allegations about the fabrication of object permanence, or verified that Brazil still has an angered lower class, and protests are expected to continue until at least next week, or until more information is found.

TOP TEN

Similarities between a Corn Maze and Your Parents’ Divorce PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“If the brown paper bags fail to calm people down, we also have a half a bottle of valium and a swift slap across the face,” said Klain. However, despite the CDC’s efforts to preemptively quarantine even healthy citizens, panic surrounding Ebola Hysteria is spreading exponentially faster than Ebola itself. Ron Klain, the Ebola czar recently appointed by President Obama, issued an announcement to the public. “Despite my lack of formal medical training and expertise on the Ebola-H virus, my implementation and managerial skills will come in handy if this infectious bacteria spreads out of control,” Klain said. “But as a general tip, I recommend the public suspend all breathing exer-

cises for the time being. “Especially if you’re around anyone you suspect has traveled to, talked about, or simply thought about Africa within the past 6 months.” Though it has never been scientifically proven that Ebola Hysteria is airborne, parents, like San Diegan mother of three Julia Wang, are adamant about not ruling any unproven theories out. “I won’t let this new kind of Ebola get to my child so easily like vaccines got to my autistic nephew. You can never trust the science if your maternal instinct is not behind it,” Wang said as she spoon-fed her son

who is currently recovering from measles, a disease easily prevented with a vaccine. San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer issued a statement advising that all 1.3 million San Diego residents cut off all physical — and emotional — contact with others. If citizens believe they may be experiencing symptoms of Ebola Hysteria, the CDC urges them to report their symptoms to a physician. Because there is no cure or known treatment yet, once Ebola Hysteria is detected in a patient, they will be quarantined from the Internet for 21 days.

10. You’re not sure you’ll get out unscarred 9. Countless six-year-old children have been forgotten in them 8. This is just a power play from your dad 7. You never saw it coming; you were amaized 6. Your mommy’s new boyfriend is pretty happy about both 5. A fall favorite 4. Both the products of a ruggedly handsome Iowa corn farmer 3. The easiest way out is with a tall man carrying a scythe 2. Only thing to be found in the Midwest 1. 50 percent of all marriages end in them

theMQ.org

Page 4

November 5, 2014

San Diego To Bid on 2022 Winter Olympics

GROCERY SHOPPING by the NUMBERS The vast majority of American citizens are forced to purchase to eat. But what do they buy? How do they eat them? Answers to these questions only the all-seeing god Qualzalt may know, but these are our best guesses.

Student Budget Breakdown 1%

15% power of

chocolates for concentrated will your girlfriend chocolates for yourself

3% cashback on

purchases over 20 dollars

2% reduced fat milk

5% vegetables pizza wait, getable. s e v table is a vege 20%

15% booze for

underage friends

5% booze Surprisingly, the proposed bobsled course proved less dangerous than the Surf-and-Shoot Biathlon. BY JEN WINDSOR Staff Writer

T

he City of San Diego announced Thursday that it would put forward a bid on the 2022 Winter Olympics, competing with Beijing, China and Almaty, Kazakhstan for the coveted spot. The Olympic Committee has yet to accept San Diego’s bid, but city officials remain hopeful about its chances. San Diego’s potential candidacy was first suggested to the city council in October, when Oslo dropped out of the running after the Norwegian government refused to support the billion-dollar enterprise. City Council member Justine Fridley quickly took to the idea of replacing Oslo,

reasoning that “a government as large as ours already has plenty of debt, it won’t notice another 5 billion or so.” Many of her fellow members agreed that the state government would gladly fork over the money to finance an endeavor it couldn’t support — that it was “just habit for us.” Confident that he would acquire financial backing, Mayor Kevin Faulconer expressed his eagerness to “cater to the Olympic Committee’s every whim,” including their demand for a completely renovated bus and metro system, a resident Santa for the Olympic Village, and a stadium for hockey, curling, figure skating, and polar bear archery. Rene Fasel, president of the AICS, or Association of

International Cold Sports, in a response to San Diego’s announcement, said that the choosing of a host city is a rational, well thought-out process that required much deliberation and “definitely doesn’t involve throwing darts at a map.” Fasel said that while he had “nothing against San Diego in particular,” he felt that some of the other candidates might be more qualified regarding climate, transportation systems, and amount of “dirt poor citizens that could be forced into labor at a moment’s notice.” Mayor Faulconer contended this last point, asserting, “Our human rights issues might not be as well publicized as Beijing’s, but they’re definitely still

that your roommate drinks

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

there. Just think of all the immigrants.” Despite the concerns about the climate and transportation, city officials remain optimistic about California’s southernmost city’s chances to host the winter games, citing the other candidates’ failings as reasons that San Diego would be “more than qualified.” “It’s true that we don’t have a ski resort,” admitted Olympic Committee member Erna Moss, regarding the requirement of having a mountain “at least the size of one of the smaller Alps. Or even a mountain. That’s okay, neither does Beijing. “Also, who’s ever heard of Almaty?” Moss added. “At least people can find us on a map.”

Windows 10 Slogan Officially Announced As “Who Gives A Shit? Your Grandma’s Not Gonna Use Linux”

54% booze

Other Facts and Figures !!



98%

Percentage of times that someone attempting self checkout has ended in a manager having to come over and assist them

1

Number of cashier lanes open at peak hours

6.022 x 1023

Number of avocados discussed in your chem class while you were half-listening

54

Average number of days per year college students spend subsisting solely on eggs because they stubbornly refuse to go grocery shopping

 

2

Average number of meals a given college student knows how to make correctly

0

Ha, boobs

Dollars that you gave to the American Cancer Society spokesman at the door of the grocery store even though you felt kinda bad for him

TOP TEN

Ways To Tell Your Roommate Is Conducting Experiments on You

“Developers... Developers... Developers...” Grandma Sheany gasped as the last breath left her body. BY LAWRENCE LEE Graphics Editor

M

icrosoft confirmed that the official slogan of Windows 10 is to be “Who gives a shit? Your grandma’s not gonna use Linux,” as a part of the passive advertising strategy surrounding the operating system. “We’ve realized what our users truly want out of our operating system: for it to have ‘Windows’ in its name and cost the same exorbitant price as before,” stated Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella in a press conference. “This is just the push to let them know that we’re listening,” The new marketing plan’s codename is the Culmination of General Response Curation (CGRC), but it has been internally dubbed “If It’s Kinda Broke, It Still Don’t Need Fixing,” according to various Mi-

crosoft employees. “We were at the drawing board, discussing how we wanted to proceed with marketing Windows 10, when we realized that our market share isn’t gonna change anytime soon,” said Executive Business Director Chauncy Truit. “So this slogan is just to reinforce our dominance and the stupidity of our consumers. “We’re also totally fine with marketing Windows like this on the mobile spectrum as well. As long as people remember we’re doing better than Blackberry, we couldn’t give two shits about what our competitors are doing. Our consumers don’t need to be able to use or even like Windows Phones to buy them — that’s just basic economic principle. Good thing nobody’s taken ECON 101.” Mark Sheany, a longtime user of Windows and a free-

lance Python developer, expressed his excitement for this iteration’s release and agreement for the new slogan. “Oh yeah man, I already know that 10 will be great. It only took me four hours to get the developer preview working, which is impressive considering that I had to drive my hard partition, jailbreak my BIOS, and overclock my motherboard. And I expect it to be even faster when the retail version debuts. Marketing slogan? Shit, why does Microsoft even need to advertise? Everyone knows that Windows is the best.” “I really don’t understand why Mark won’t take my advice to switch to a Linux distro seriously,” said Mark’s grandmother, Mrs. Sheany. “I tried explaining to him the benefits: how it’s a better development environment for

PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN

his Python projects, how he can just use VirtualBox to run an Ubuntu VM so he doesn’t have to deal with dual booting, and even how I already convinced his mother. “Taking into consideration that I’m going to be 89 in December and that I live in a retirement home with 56k dial-up speeds — talking about you, Easy Living Homes — you young ones just can’t get with the times,” she continued. In addition to the slogan, other facets of the marketing campaign include transparent billboards, a thirty second radio spot that simply repeats “Windows 10” over five-second intervals, and a television advertisement depicting a man trading in his father’s thirty-year-old fixed-gear bicycle for a used Ford Pinto with the tagline, ‘Windows — always worth the upgrade.’”

10. Every time they play “Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega, you get strangely aroused 9. You get shocked whenever you try to reach that great looking piece of cheese 8. Every time you wake up, they sigh in relief 7. They gave you an unlabeled bottle and a copy of Sgt. Pepper 6. Refers to your cereal as Placeb-Os 5. You got really sick one time and woke up in a dumpster 4. Apparently, none of your other friends have to navigate a maze to get to class 3. When you leave the bathroom, they ask you to rate your bowel movements 2. They never open the letters they get from the Ethics Board 1. They accidentally referred to your other roommate as “control” You might remember us from Triton Day when we were lying to you.

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

November 5, 2014

Page 5

Straight Ally Worried Parents Won’t Accept Her

6F

We smashed your preconceived notions of multiple choice questions with the iClicker 3. We shattered your ideas of classroom participation with the iClicker 4C. And we took a huge shit on your worldview with the iClicker 5. Now, prepare to die and be born again with a new beginning. The iClicker 6F. We’ve completely overhauled the old frame to reintroduce the famed product in a new sleek contour, complete with an ergonomic body and a modern, off-gray.

“Go F Yourself!”

Not to be confused with the Smart Balance campaign, “It gets butter.” BY JACOB AGUIRRE

L

Copy Editor

ocal eighth grader Brianna Chadwick is reportedly coming to terms with a personal struggle that she feels has been “holding her back” from who she wants to be. Chadwick, who has apparently been “hiding her true self” from her parents, is “fearful” that, should she come out to her family, they will not accept her choice to identify as a “straight ally.” “I’ve always felt a little out of place amongst my peers,” Chadwick said after being asked when she first realized she was a straight ally.” But it became more apparent this past school year when friends of mine would describe their experiences with coming out — they really struck a chord with me. “I identified with so many

of their experiences as outed straight allies. I learned that I wasn’t alone in the way that I felt. I think that’s when I realized that I was also one: a straight ally.” Chadwick is one of many since 2008 to make the brave choice to identify as a straight ally. Originally introduced as a term for heterosexuals who supported the cause of and rights for those in the LGBT community, straight ally has become recognized in recent years as its own distinct brand with a burgeoning community and following all its own. “It’s really quite genius how successfully they’ve managed to brand themselves,” said Silicon Valley entrepreneur Karen Hepper. “I mean, just last month my nephew Grant came out as a straight ally, and not three days later he was receiving all

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD AND LAWRENCE LEE

sorts of attention. “I really wish that I could hone in on that kind of energy, you know? I just founded my first startup, CTRLALT-DELETE, a platform for alternative artists to post self-destructing music. It’s kind of like the Snapchat of the alternative music scene. Unfortunately, it’s not doing too well because ten seconds isn’t long enough to appreciate the artistic endeavor that is music. I think that if we could only get popular ... If only there were a way for a company to ‘come out,’ to get the attention that any attention-deprived entity so greatly desires.” Chadwick, however, doesn’t see her newfound identity as a grab for attention, which she “definitely received a lot of as a child with two working parents.” “I honestly identify with

the plight of straight allies, like, a ton. I see a lot of their history in myself and I think that what I identify as is my personal choice, and no one has the right to tell me who I am or am not.” Chadwick’s parents, Theodore and Stacey Chadwick, seem to be accepting of their daughter’s newfound sense of self. “It was difficult to accept at first,” Mr. Chadwick said. “You know, no parent gives birth expecting their child to one day be incapable of perpetuating their archaic sense of gender and sexual identity, but that’s something we had to face when our Brianna came out over Facebook. “But we’ve finally accepted it and I think that our family was made stronger by this whole thing. I mean, at least she’s not a Democrat.”

Tragic Monster Mash Leaves Three Dead, Dozens Wounded

NEW FEATURES INCLUDE:

• A new all-purpose F button, as long as your purpose is F • Buttons now in alphabetical order • Airplane mode enabled • Safety wrist strap • Small electric shock when you put in the wrong answer

TOP TEN

Things Your Professor Announced Immediately after the Drop Deadline

The one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater helped to airlift bodies from the scene of the tragedy. BY JACK BEEGAN

A

Staff Writer

recent performance of a beloved autumnal tradition, the “Monster Mash,” took a turn for the worse. According to a source, who claims to have been working in their laboratory at an undisclosed castle “in the east,” the event began when an anonymous monster “began to rise” and suddenly “did the mash.” The monster could not be reached for comment. The mash, originally a variation on the popular “Transylvanian Twist,” occurred on the night of Friday, October 31 and continued into the following morning. Events escalated quickly, as the mash drew large crowds, primarily pastiches of classic hor-

ror movie tropes and associated hangers-on as well as the Carpathian pop group Crypt Keeper Five, who many believe instigated the violence with a cover of the Bauhaus’ 1979 classic, “Bela Lugosi’s Dead.” The crowd, unsure whether to consider the song tasteless or not, broke out in a riot. Though authorities have yet to press charges, they have produced a reliable report regarding the deceased. While participating in the “mash,” Dracula was said to have been caught in a flash, the light ending his centuries-old existence as well as that of his son, who was also in attendance. Dracula, a former voivode of Translyvania, is survived by many victims and films of varying quality. Examiners have

recognized it as his second death, colloquially known as ‘the big one’ among most vampires. The other body was identified as an individual known only by “Wolfman,” who succumbed to injuries sustained in what witnesses are calling a “graveyard smash,” which left dozens of other attendees injured, though pre-existing deformities have left an exact total nearly impossible to ascertain. For now, the future of the Monster Mash tradition remains unclear; though it is a Halloween standby, a small group of committed activists believe it’s time for a change. “This ‘Monster Mash’ has gone on too long,” said Bryan Murphy of Citizens for a Nicer Late October Experience. “What about some fun,

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

safer alternatives, like the ‘Pumpkin Pat?’ “All you need is a pumpkin,” he explained. “You just pat it. You don’t even need music. How is this not better in every way?” Others believe this most recent Monster Mash has put all fall-themed novelty songs from the early ‘60s into jeopardy. “First, they’ll come for the ‘Monster Mash,’” said Glenda Knox, president of the Society for the Preservation of Autumnal Kitsch. “But it won’t stop there,” she added. “Pretty soon, there’ll be no ‘Columbus Day Krump,’ no ‘Black Friday Beatdown,’ and you can say goodbye to the ‘Dead, Decaying Leaves Force Us to Confront the Fleeting Natures of Our Lives Shuffle.’”

10. I’d like to take a moment away from cell biolgy. A lot of people will tell you the Holocaust happened; however... 9. If you were having fun last week, you are now behind 8. Just so you know, I just came back from Buring Man, so from now on this’ll be a “clothing optional” class. Labcoats and goggles stay 7. I’m changing the grading policy: whoever takes me out to Dine-With-a-Prof gets an A. I’m lonely. And frugal 6. Now, if we’re being completely honest, this is as far into the textbook as I’ve read 5. So, remember when I said you could drop a midterm? That was the wrong syllabus 4. So, looks like half the class dropped. The lowest person on the curve is now you 3. I took three tabs of acid, they should be kicking in any mo— Holy shit 2. Oh … you’re still here 1. Hah! All the blowjobs were in vain

THE MQ

If Buzzfeed was staffed by people who hate Buzzfeed.

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

Page 6

November 5, 2014

theMQ.org

Paranormal A

re the voices under your bed the rumblings of an unimaginable horror? Or are they the intolerable moans of your roommate’s pent up sexual frustration? Is the smoke climbing into your room through your window the fog prefacing the very incarnation of Satan? Or just the releases of the bong from the balcony below you? There are many unexplained mysteries on campus, we’re here to reveal the secrets of some of them and convolute the rest.

Extrac Activiti

Urban Legends of UCSD

The Ghost of the Burned Man

An apparition has been spotted in the forest at the top of Warren Mall. Students have reported a creepy cloud of smoke which spreads from the edge of the possibly haunted forest during the night, sending a shivering cough through the bodies of those that pass through it. Skeptics have asserted that the smoke is the result of the group of international students that have been driven out of Revelle Quad by the smoking ban, but then how can that explain the spectral voices speaking in what must be some ancient, unknowable tongue?

The Twisted Form That Haunts the UCSD Tunnels

Local legend has it that the UCSD tunnels are sealed off to students, not to allow utility workers to operate in peace, but because some … thing lives down there. The story goes that Roger Revelle never died; in 1991 he was exposed to chemicals that mutated his form and warped his flesh and destroyed his mind. He cut a swath of destruction through the campus, and the only way to stop him was to draw him into the tunnels with an offering of flesh, and seal it shut behind him forever. Once a year, the campus throws a fifth-year in to sate his unrelenting hunger.

Hannah Tan

The Curse of the UCSD Communications Department

The story goes that John Corman, former chair the UCSD Communications department in the ‘80s, once published a paper on the flaws of the advertising industry. In retribution, the Coven of Advertising gathered and, through sacrifice and ritual, leveled a black hex on the department. Ever since, any graduate of the Comm department has been rendered completely incapable of finding work in the industry, no matter how much glitter they put in the manila folder that holds their CV.

The Specter of School Spirit that Emerges Once a Year

An elusive, rare apparition, once a year during Welcome Week the entire school is possessed by a being known as the “School Spirit.” The faces of UCSD students, normally worn-down and bleary eyed, are twisted into mockeries of themselves: Twisted smiles and wide, desperate, unblinking eyes cast on whatever is near them. Colorful, ornate offerings of campus organizations and social events are offered to placate its grasp. After it passes, UCSD breathes a sigh of relief as it returns to its contemplative solitude.

The Legend of the Wandering Human Outside Your Room They speak of a wandering soul, made of flesh and blood like you and me, that appears outside of your room at any and all odd hours of the day. The best way to make these rare creatures appear, or so it is said, is to shut your textbooks, get dressed, and actually go outside for once this quarter. The Wandering Soul has never been witnessed, but reports suggests he isn’t such a bad guy, and just wants to watch football for once instead of studying.

Tips for a Successful Seance I’ve been to a seance or two. Actually, let’s not kid ourselves, I’m a seance season ticket holder, if you know what I mean. If you follow my few simple dos and don’ts of holding a seance you’ll have the undead event of the year! All the spirits will be fighting just to be summoned to your seance.

DO: Bring snacks and beverages for you and your guests DON’T: Try to summon the ghost of someone who died tragically; they’re HUUUGE bummers DO: Make sure the person is dead first DON’T: Try to contact the ghost of Hitler. He’s booked until next April at least DO: Contact the morgue ahead of time to avoid last minute issues DON’T: Forget your jacket. The ghost of your dead mother will not stop bitching about how cold you’ll be DO: Invite your most strikingly featured but psychologically weak friend DON’T: Use those trick party candles that don’t get blown out, spirits hate those

theMQ.org

November 5, 2014

curricular ies Fact and Fiction in Horror Films A lot of movies these days walk the line between reality and fiction, dancing on the knife edge of what is true and what is fiction with the reckless abandon of a tightrope walker on beta blockers. And so, many of us are left to wonder: What’s reality? What’s movie magic masquerading as some sick joke? Why did my first marriage fail? In order to answer these questions, our resident fact checker and documentary reviewer brings you the “capital T” truth and “lower case o” opinion.

I was initially hopeful that this piece was an honest piece meant to give us a peek into the world of ghosts. This documentary could not be further away from the truth. What kind of family would set up their suburban house in a safe neighborhood with so many security cameras? And such faulty electrician’s work in the house, too. I mean, the lights just keep going off and on. Are we to believe a ghost can overcome a craftsman’s hard work?

Veracity Ranking: 2/5

Okay, clearly all of these machines are plausible. I have drawn out mechanisms by which they all could work, and it all seems pretty there. Could a machine really have torn that guys ribs off? Maybe. But, I am a little suspicious here. I mean, how does that little old guy have the upper body strength to put them in position? And really, is no one suspicious about the sheer quantity of acid and knives he’s ordering? How long did he wait for all those razor blades to get rusty? Days? Weeks? I just don’t know if I can believe it.

Veracity Ranking: 2.5/5

Now this one is tricky. This is one of those rare movies that would have you believe it to be fiction. Au contraire, mon amour. I have it on good authority this is, in truth, found footage from the Apollo 11 mission. I mean, the way it moved! How could that be faked? The perfect, sensuous gliding of its motion. No earth effect could fake this. This was a true alien being, encountered on the moon. Damn right that flag waving shot was sound staged, but don’t believe for a second we didn’t land there.

Veracity Ranking: 4.5/5

This reincarnation of the classic “Carrie” movie had none of the haunting realisms that the original did. I know that blood she was dumped in wasn’t even real. It didn’t smell like real blood. And why would the same series of events occur twice in the same town with the same names and no one seems suspicious? Really? We have another pale, blond, strikingly featured girl named Carrie manifesting powers? I mean, couldn’t these people, in attempting to deceive America out of their sheep-cash, put in a little more effort? Can I get a little truth?

Veracity Ranking: 1/5

The Ouija Surfboard From Fisher-Price, the people that brought you Brandy Brand Holy Water, comes the newest and greatest aquatic undead interface mechanism since the Portal to Hell Slipe-nSlide TM: The Ouija Surfboard. Channel the surf legends of old! Hang 10 with the undead!

N-G-A

A-B-U O-W -

C-

Kno

Water resistant up to six inches below the surface

Planchet with no-slip wet-grip

ww

hen t befohe wav re t es a hey r do! e com ing

vil, ked e

e

Thos

c re wi a s e wav

.

dude

*Has been shown to invite long-dead spirits into your body and saltwater into your eyes. We are not responsible for any spirits from before time and light unleashed by the Ouija Surfboard. Unleashed beings are non-returnable, void warranty of the surfboard and render it non-refundable.

Two candle holders so you can surf or summon evil, night or day!

Page 7

theMQ.org

Page 8

November 5, 2014

Voter Turnout Reaches AllTime Low in Area High School’s Senior Superlatives

EDITORIAL

I Could Totally Take Ebola in a Hand-to-Hand Fight

BY RYAN CROFT

Personal Trainer on Instagram

I

PHOTO BY SIDNEY LUMET

“You can’t be judge, jury, and executioner, Steve,” yelled Boaden. “You can’t just declare Samantha Worthington prettiest eyes by yourself.” BY BARAK TZORI Content Editor

V

oter turnout for Elizabeth C. Stanton High School’s senior superlatives reached record lows this past Tuesday when only five percent of the school’s student population came out to vote. The vote, which took place between second period and the end of the day Tuesday, was held in order to decide which students among the South Pasadena school’s graduating class were better than the rest. The metrics that were available for one to vote on included but were not limited to “Most Likely To Succeed,” “Best Hair,” and “Most Times Asked for Help on the Trig Homework.” After voting closed late on Tuesday, the ballot counters set to work. John Elcor, senior ballot counter and person-in-charge-of-taking-

a-picture-of-himself-counting-ballots-for-three-pointsextra-credit-in-gov-class, explained the experience. “We only got like 20 votes in — like, seriously? We have over 30 categories to choose students for,” Elcor commented. “No ballots were cast for the positions of ‘Best Not Raising My Hands Just Stretching Performance by a Male Student’ and ‘Most Ambiguous Relationship Couple.’ What are we supposed to do in that case?” When asked about the procedure regarding such an event, yearbook staff advisor Mr. Barnes quoted the Elizabeth C. Stanton student handbook, saying “in such an event the yearbook committee may come together and elect students of their own popular vote.” And so it was late on Tuesday afternoon when the Stanton’s Suffragettes’ Year-

book Committee gathered in Mr. Barnes’ English room to decide on students for the categories which remained empty or had a tie. Some decisions were made without much deliberation. “Everybody agreed on Tony Hall for ‘Classiest Clown,’” Helen Boaden remarked. “And there was absolutely no discussion on who was going to be ‘Worst Female Driver.’” However, other categories were not so easily decided. At 6:15 p.m., when Mr. Barnes was out on a pizza run, the classroom erupted into a heated debate about who most deserved the category of “Boy Most Likely To Eat That for Five Bucks.” Two ballots had been cast in this category, one for Tim Davie and one for Simon Burke. “You would have to be an absolute idiot not to choose Tim,” Elcor was quoted defending his choice. “The man

BIRTHING RECORDS h

Births g

A new currency, have you heard of Bitcoins? Dude, it’s the future.

would pick up any bit of uneaten sandwich and ask you if you’d give him five bucks to eat it. Then when you said no, he’d eat it anyways.” “Simon would literally eat anything,” Boaden said, defending the other side of the argument. “One time, Ella told me that she heard that Jamie saw Simon actually spit on a rock on the ground just to moisten it up before he ate it.” The rest of the ballots cast all seemed to have been written in the same handwriting, and all chose Howard Stringer for “Cutest Boy.” The committee thought that was a little odd but didn’t give it much thought. When the results of the voting were published early Wednesday morning, many students had some unkind words to say about the results. One Suffragette remarked, “John Elcor for ‘Most Likely to Succeed’? Who the hell is John Elcor?”

/ Obituaries h

In Memoriam g

May 26, 1971 The Day the Music Died.

My new fabulous breakfast nook after Aunt Zelda many years of gestation under the warm, To be dead in a couple of months, or fertile, but amazingly slow hands of the a couple of days if she doesn’t adjust her contractor. will to make her nephew Jeffrey the primary benefactor, her choice. A baby penguin at the San Diego Zoo. Also a new source of revenue at the San Charlie Bricken Diego Zoo after dilapidated, long-winded A former member of Pi Beta Theta, economic depression. passed too soon at 34. Lost to Evelyn Mansfield on a warm Sunday afternoon in a The glorious crowning of his head as church surrounded by all his family. Dearly his beautiful brown eyes peeped into the beloved and will be missed by all his brahs world for the first time, the gentle shimat BT. May he navigate the fiery pits of marmering of the surface of the water as he riage bravely and with vibe. ventured out of the cradling confines of my body into the Zen pool. Ah! I have My Toilet never seen such a beautiful birth, not Died in the line of duty, Choked to even after my first California burrito from death, it was a fighter until the very end. Vallarta’s! As he slipped out, a true inno- Tears swam in my eyes as I cranked the cent, I let out a small sigh. water line shut. Farewell to a loyal comrade and a beloved commode.

am a down to earth guy, which is why I’m not going to pretend that I’m worried about this Ebola outbreak when any intelligent person can tell that it’s not a serious issue. If it came down to it, I could totally take Ebola down. Mano a mano. No weapons. Nothing above the neck. I’ve seen the news, and if you ask me, Ebola’s getting cocky. But I don’t see why. What makes it such a hot shot? Couldn’t even take down that missionary guy, and what does he even weigh? 140 pounds? 150? He’s a welterweight at best. And if this disease thinks I’m going to be afraid of a little blood and vomit, then they should see my mixed martial arts dojo after one of the guys rents “Fight Club.” I took karate across the street from a hospital for three years and my spotter at the gym is pre-med, so I know what I’m talking about when I say that Ebola hasn’t got

the stuff to take me down. I haven’t been vaccinated since I was four, when my parents decided that injections caused my cousin Derek’s autism. I ended up catching chickenpox twice, but it made me stronger. Ebola would beat the snot out of Derek, but it would chicken out if I so much as glared at it. Despite popular belief, Ebola is not an airborne disease. I, on the other hand, can land a flying kick to a man’s chest with a 12-foot running start. After I’m done with it, the only internal bleeding Ebola is going to be known for is from my fists of fury, as long as they don’t pull any bullshit groin shots or something cheap like that. In reality, the whole nationwide panic is just a bunch of Beta propaganda that I’m not up for. I can bench 100 percent of my target bodyweight. If the United States thinks Ebola can be weaponized, then these guns I’m packing should be considered weapons of mass destruction. I don’t want anyone to think I’m just being overconfident here. Like I said, I’m down to earth. I know there are diseases I can’t take. In its prime, I wouldn’t stand a chance against Bubonic Plague, and it’s still pretty sprightly for its age. Cholera called me out last week, and it’s probably going to kick my ass when the time comes. I can admit that. I definitely want another shot at Chickenpox though. That asshole’s going down next time.

TOP TEN

Differences between a Pumpkin Spice Latte and Your Roommate 10. Pumpkin Spice Lattes only come once a year; your roommate masturbates twice a day 9. When you get up really close to them, Pumpkin Spice Lattes smell nice 8. Society doesn’t care when you drain a Pumpkin Spice Latte of its innards 7. Your parents prefer you to Pumpkin Spice Lattes 6. You can’t understand the cryptic messages written on your roommate’s body 5. Revelle freshmen tend to have one or fewer Pumpkin Spice Lattes at a time 4. You’d be more confused — but less angry — if your girlfriend had yelled out “Pumpkin Spice Latte” during sex 3. You felt kinda bad when you threw a Pumpkin Spice Latte out of your car 2. Your roommate doesn’t taste too much like cinnamon 1. One is a bunch of meaningless bullshit sold for no good reason, the other a seasonal beverage

Heart of a lion, wings of an eagle, and the genetic defects of an english bulldog.

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

November 5, 2014

Page 9

Police Discover Robberies Committed by Chancellor

Craft Center Renovations Slowed by Snake Infestation

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Once you open the Craft Center you can make snake skin wallets for all your damn cash,” muttered Che member Allie Li. BY RILEY MALLORY Editor-in-Chief

U PHOTO BY RILEY MALLORY

News theorists have come to suspect that the thief, the area artist behind the “Special K” taggings, and D.B. Cooper are all one and the same. BY CORINA CADIZ AND KYLE New Mexico. San Diego Chief “This is not all that much down his toned, tattooed abs, TRUJILLO of Police Shelley Zimmer- of a surprise, really,” comlightly tangling with his nipple Staff Writer and Design Editor

I

n response to escalating public pressure, the San Diego Police Department revealed last Wednesday that their prime suspect for the recent series of armed robberies on and around the UCSD campus is in fact Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. This revelation came shortly on the heels of a leak from the Office of the Chancellor that he has been absent from work for over a week and has only communicated with his secretaries via email. Although the chancellor’s whereabouts “remain unknown,” the police did share that Khosla faxed a letter to his secretary Monday, supposedly from a Kinko’s in

man released an excerpt to the press, including a plea for anyone with knowledge of the chancellor’s location to come forward. The police chief also advised news outlets not to print the more graphic paragraphs of the letter out of sensitivity to young audiences and impoverished, emotionally volatile college students. “I never meant to hurt anyone,” Khosla’s letter began. “At first, I did it out of necessity. It was about the money. But the thrill you get when you hold someone else’s future in the palm of your hand ... it’s addictive.” The letter went on to ask how anyone expected a “socially-active, family man” to survive on the “measly” salary of $411,000 per year.

mented Student Regent Sadia Saifuddin of UC Berkeley. “Ever since the lowest paid UC Chancellors got that 20 percent raise back in September, Chancellor Khosla has been emailing us nonstop, insisting that it is ‘his turn.’ He even warned me that he can’t keep Janet waiting for much longer.” “You ask her for one little record-wiping job in Washington, and she thinks she owns you for life. Do you have any fucking idea what that woman is capable of?” the Chancellor’s fax explained. “I’m a desperate man.” On Wednesday, Biophysics-Neuroscience major Sam McGill reported seeing a man “who appeared to be Khosla, but like, with a beard flowing

rings.” Following the sighting, police chased the suspect into the underground tunnels, but upon their arrival, several officers were trapped and one was wounded when the ceiling collapsed. According to Zimmerman, the collapse was likely caused by makeshift explosives. A research group of physicists and chemists in Mayer Hall confirmed that several highly-reactive chemical compounds have gone missing in the past week. At press time, witnesses at the cliffs above Black’s Beach had called in to report seeing a bearded man crawling out of a storm drain, who then hijacked a paraglider from La Jolla Skychair and glided in the direction of downtown La Jolla.

Area Man Still on the Phone with Customer Service

CSD University Centers announced on Oct. 25 that renovations being made to the old Craft Center have been slowed as a result of a massive, building-wide infestation of snakes discovered early last week. The infestation was described as “blood-curdling” and “likely to delay work for at least a year” by Sharon Van Bruggen in official reports. The UCSD Craft Center, which closed in 2012 as a result of budget problems and required renovations, formerly served the UCSD campus by offering a range of classes and art services. According to reports, it has developed an infestation of snakes “ranging not in the hundreds, not in the thousands, but in the hundreds of thousands” since shutting down two years ago. It is thus far unclear how many of these may be venomous, and as such workers have not yet returned to work on trimming the trees around the center or installing a sprinkler system. The infestation first came to the attention of university officials after students reported a sound of hissing emanating from the center, a massive drop in rabbit population, and “all of the snakes” visible through the Craft Center’s windows. While many have called for exterminators, university officials reportedly “fear the power of the snakes.” The Craft Center discovery is just the latest in a series of recent issues with the campus snake population. Most recently, a judge ruled against the Che Cafe, a cooperatively run music venue after an alleged “tidal wave invasion of snakes” slithered through the cafe, reportedly causing structural damage and leaving hidden clutches of eggs throughout the cafe. The UCAB cited as proof Quincy Corns, a Revelle student who apparently had “the shit bit out of him” during the

incident. Corns was unreachable for comment and, according to some sources, has a fake sounding name. Evicting the Che for necessary decontamination and repair proved more difficult than the UCAB initially thought, as the cooperative, apparently ignorant of the snake invasion, attempted to bar the eviction. “The Che is a den of snake sympathizers,” hissed UCAB representative Sammy Adams. Similarly, last year Graffiti Hall had to be closed down and painted over, as Mandeville’s stairwell had become home to a swarm of snakes that, as a consequence of the graffiti created by students over the years, “were invisible to the naked eye.” In fear that students would be bit by a swarm of invisible, undetectable snakes, the university addressed the situation with the destruction of the snakes themselves and a repainting of the hallway, as well as the installation of surveillance cameras to protect against the new infiltration of snakes into the space. While many have called for a similar solution to the problem of the Craft Center, the university fears that, as a consequence of the sheer number of snakes, any attempt to destroy them may send a hellish invasion of snakes into the nearby Old Student Center. Similarly, renovations to the Craft Center itself have been set back by the need for the university to board up doors and windows. If they do not, the university fears the pressure from the millions of pounds of snakes within may cause windows or doors to burst, releasing a massive tidal wave of snakes, comparable to what occurred in the Great Boston Molasses disaster of 1919. The event, theories indicate, would cause an initial wave of snakes up to 25 feet high, and leave flooding of up to 5 feet of snakes in the areas surrounding the Craft Center.

TOP TEN

Reasons Your CSO Escort Hasn’t Arrived Yet PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Jerry and Tim are locked in an intense match of “Customer Volleyball,” wherein they pass customers back and forth to one another until the customers give up. BY KATHERINE WOOD didn’t matter anymore.” same online help guides that Rouzo stated that while he Graphics Editor

C

ostco customer Will Strickland was still on the phone with customer service this afternoon after originally calling them two days ago regarding issues with his laptop. Nelson, who runs his own business from home, has resigned himself to hanging onto his economic security at the mercy of Costco’s customer service employees and the length of the caller queue. “The first three hours, I was angry,” Nelson said. “However, after talking to another human while sitting on a toilet when someone unexpectedly picked up my call after 20 minutes of instrumental versions of ABBA, I just felt dehumanized to a point where my previous way of life

Brian Rouzo, Nelson’s fiance, had offered to take up phone listening shifts for Nelson, but was declined. “He said that if he couldn’t work, watch Netflix, or even look up a simple word definition, then he might as well stay up all night talking to people on the other side of the globe and listening to static,” Rouzo explained. “But I guess if you’re a highly trained technician with such nuanced skills your time is pretty valuable, so it must be worth the wait,” he concluded. However, Costco employment statistics show that most customer service employees have no technological training prior to their employment, and do not undergo any professional training. Rather, customer service employees just read back to the customer the

could be found by anyone, with the occasional sourcing out to technical specialists. Employees with “real aptitude” can be promoted into the CallDropping and Endless-Transferring departments. “I just work here because they give me better dental than my last job,” stated Kelsea McCavey, Costco customer service employee. “Suck it, McDonalds!” When approached for a statement, Costco Customer Service commented “PLEASE CLEARLY STATE YOUR PHONE NUMBER, BEGINNING WITH YOUR AREA CODE.” When asked to elaborate, they added, “WE’RE SORRY, WE DIDN’T CATCH THAT. PLEASE USE YOUR NUMBER PAD TO INPUT YOUR PHONE NUMBER, BEGINNING WITH YOUR AREA CODE.”

hoped Nelson would soon be put in touch with someone who could help with the laptop, he wasn’t expecting it to happen within this week. “It’s so hard to watch Will put his life on hold for this, but it must be the only way,” Rouzo said, shaking his head. At press time, Nelson’s neighbor Joel Mandels was attempting to navigate the Fire Department’s customer service menu in Spanish, as he had accidentally pressed the wrong key in his agitation. Silent tears streamed down his face as he frantically keyed in his “full address, including ZIP code,” “gender and age,” “his/her perfect idea of a first date,” and “a brief description of the issues” he was experiencing, his eyes never straying from his cat stuck in a flaming tree.

10. Waiting for their CSO escort 9. The chick from Argo 213 is significantly more attractive 8. Stopped by police for biking across Library Walk 7. You drunkenly dialed Secret Cookie Service instead 6. They got there but it was just too late 5. They won’t come if your mom calls the hotline, it has to be you 4. They haven’t registered their bike 3. They’ve wised up to your kink of getting caught 2. They’re doing drugs with the exact same group of youths that is threatening you 1. They thought your screams were a prank call

theMQ.org

Page 10

New Ceiling Fans Support Body Weight, Boredom Eradicated

November 5, 2014

Student Experiences Religious Tensions on Library Walk

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

“I don’t know about this whole God or no God thing,” said religious organization member Donny Anthony. “All I know is that we have K-BBQ and he doesn’t.” BY ANTHONY SHOWALTER

U PHOTO BY EVVAN BURKE AND KATHERINE WOOD

“Wait, no, you need to learn the science behind this!” said the professor, as Johnny clutched a fan with one arm and ate a popsicle in the other. BY HOWARD WANG one step further,” said Seville. Several randomly chosen falling from extreme heights,

A

Staff Writer

widespread pandemic erupted last summer when hundreds of college students across the state died of boredom. Many of the deaths stemmed from the longer summer break adopted by universities statewide. Bored students slowly “dropped dead like flies on a windowsill,” unable to last until October when college once again began anew. However, structural engineering student Alvin Seville has developed a new, uncertified machine that he claims could be the end of boredom and boredom-related deaths. “You know the whole concept of spinny-rolley chairs? I just wanted to know what would happen if you took it

“I did it mostly to keep myself from being bored. I saw that dead fly on my windowsill and knew I had to do something or I’d die from boredom.” Under carelessly controlled laboratory conditions, Seville developed a centrifugal gyration device designed to evoke excitement and feelings of happiness and youth. He then expanded the concept by bolting his device to a sliding rail bolted to the ceiling, thereby creating a rotational zipline. Finding out that the resulting design can withstand forces of hundreds of pounds (4.448 “hundreds of Newtons”), Seville then added additional handles and harnesses, which he claims can be used to support people while the device is under operation.

close friends of his were given the opportunity to test his new invention, which provided Seville with an overwhelmingly positive response and and caused him to begin marketing his product to the general public. “Dude, totally sick yo. I’m gonna puke,” said a friend who refused to be identified. “I didn’t ask for this. I SO didn’t ask for this.” While no deaths have been reported yet, critics argue that it is only a matter of time until someone dies from the inherent dangers created by playing on high-speed rotational mechanical objects. Critics worry about a long list of disturbing side effects, citing complaints including nausea, dizziness, upset stomach, vomiting,

broken bones, and accidental severing of limbs. In spite of this, Seville has submitted his design for review as a treatment for obsessive-compulsive boredom, something that affects 41.7 percent of the U.S. population at any given moment. “Having one of these installed at home, in schools, in government office buildings, in dentists’ waiting rooms, or at the DMV can drastically reduce the boredom pandemic millions suffer from each day,” Seville said. When asked about his opinion on the American obesity pandemic and what it might mean for his invention, Seville declined to comment.

OREGON ORGAN HARVEST FESTIVAL Come out to have some wholesome family fun in this fall-themed favorite! Play “Find the Transplantable Coronary Artery in the Human Chest Cavity.” Try your hand at a Jack-the-Ripper-O’-Lantern at the Human Head Carving Contest. Visit our organ-ic farmer’s market for some fresh-outthe-barn farmer limbs and parts!

Additional FUN Activities Include:

· Bobbing for Gallbladders! Appropriate for ages 8 and under. · Three-legged race! Legs will be supplied but it’s BYOFS – bring your own festive spirit!

Staff Writer

C San Diego undergraduate student Ian Mathers self-diagnosed himself last week with “Christian overload,” a condition he coined where the afflicted repeat the phrase “I’m an atheist” in their sleep. Mathers cites the “glut of Christian groups” on Library Walk as the cause of his malady. UCSD Medical Center has yet to comment on his condition. Mathers, a recent transfer student, was reportedly unexpecting of the “intense activity on Library Walk.” “I had no idea,” Mathers said. “It’s just groups lining the sides all morning and into the afternoon. It’s insane, I mean, there’s only 30,000 enrolled students.” Mathers was particularly irritated by the pervasive presence of Christian groups, confessing that he has been an atheist for several years. Mathers’ interactions with Christian orgs on Library Walk became increasingly hostile over the brief span of his first two weeks at UCSD. Student Representative Matthew Castro of the Cruisin’ Crusaders Christian Club said that he once saw Mathers on Library Walk wearing a death metal pentagram shirt. Castro also reported that Mathers was approached by a fellow student representative handing out KBBQ invites and using an ink pad and rubber stamp to imprint religious services information on students and their belongings as they walked by. “We had adopted our traditional Library Walk blockade formation to ensure that no one could get past us without accidentally making eye contact, and Melissa had just stuck a flyer in his hand and one in his open mouth,” said Castro. It was when Castro then shouted their club’s customary line, “Hello, we’re assuming you fit the American societal norm of Christianity, would you like to join us in eating food that may be banned under any other religious ideology?” that Mathers’ outburst began. “Ian was livid,” Castro continued. “He screamed, ‘Since

all Christians like KBBQ then how do you like THIS Korean food?’ and threw a boba drink in Melissa’s face and stormed off. The lid popped off when it hit her nose and goo went all over her,” Castro winced. “She kind of stood there in shock, then screamed, ‘But this and the rest of your many sins will be forgiven if you attend services with us this Sunday at 10 a.m., heathen! Also, boba is Taiwanese!’, as he walked away,” Castro continued. “So proud of her, continuing to spread the message even in trying times.” Of the Library Walk boba incident, area best friends Alexandra Nyugen, an atheist, and James Rodriguez, a Christian, claimed, “See? That’s why we avoid Library Walk like the plague. Eugh.” It was soon after the boba incident that Mathers’ “Christian overload” symptoms began to develop fully. Oscar Wilson, Mathers’ roommate, was the first to notice the symptoms of Mathers’ self-proclaimed “Christian overload.” “I was up late at night playing Call of Duty when I heard him growling, so I looked over to check on him,” Wilson said, describing Mathers’ “ungodly” affliction. “He wrote a 666 on his forehead with Sharpie as some kind of ward,” Wilson continued. “And then started trying to eat Richard Whatever’s ‘The God Delusion,’ saying that he would intake the truth and spread it among the believing blind. I was worried he might see the ‘Jesus Saves at 10 a.m. this Sunday’ flyers being shoved under our door, if that’s even possible when you sleepwalk. “Before I went to bed, I turned his 666 into daisies with the Sharpie. I wonder if he ever noticed.” Mathers is currently independently seeking help for his “Christian overload” and spends as much time as possible wandering through every corner of the university when not attending classes, explaining that “everyone seems to be a goddamned doctor here so someone’s bound to help me at some point.”

TOP TEN

Reasons You Haven’t Gone to the Beach Yet

MORE FUN! MORE FEEDING!

· Blood Drive hosted by Alucard Industries, performed with a revolutionary new blood collection method! · Cadaver Piñata! A chance for your child to enjoy the thrill of a bursting thorax full of goodies!

We’re located off Highway 26 before Portland. Just follow the smell of corroding flesh to find us! We’ll be open from dawn to dusk every weekend until Thanksgiving, or until the HHS finds us and shuts us down.

10. You’re still in line for the bus to get there 9. “We had a beach in New Jersey I know what they look like” 8. We’re in a drought 7. You don’t understand where Black’s Beach starts or ends and are afraid 6. It won’t be on the midterm 5. “It’s like 10 minutes away, right? I can go any time I want” 4. If you wanted to go to a hot, dirty place, you would’ve stayed in Riverside 3. You heard they ran out of wristbands, so you don’t think you can go 2. You found slides about it on the Internet 1. She always loved the beach

theMQ.org

November 5, 2014

Page 11

Pretentious Literature TA Appointed Official Phone Taker-Awayer

FREE & FOR SALE Free Hammer FREE: Lightly used hammer, don’t really have the space for it anymore. Ideal for things like construction or aroundthe-house projects.

The Guardian Newspaper, 2000 Copies Available FOR SALE: Latest issue of The Guardian newspaper, lightly yellowed by the sun, $10 a copy O.B.O. I have about 2000 of these, and they’re available for pickup behind Porter’s. I get a new stock roughly every week, so check back.

PHOTO BY HOWARD WANG

As the ceremony concluded, Bernstein shivered with anticipatory pleasure and began repeating the TA creed to himself: “Dieu et mon droit.” ran back up the aisle yelling, callous-free and smooth, theater and assuming his poBY KAYLE KVINGE

U

Staff Writer

CSD literature graduate student Richard Bernstein was appointed official cell phone taker-awayer earlier this week. Bernstein was given this prestigious position after achieving unprecedented success as the TA in the Intro to Comparative Literature Class. Just last week, Bernstein showed great athleticism, running down the aisles of Price Center Theater during lecture to “tell that brunette chick who is always texting” to put her phone away. Bernstein exhibited both grace and precision as he wedged himself in between the seats to whisper loudly, “Put your phone away, or I will ask you to leave.” When the unidentified brunette didn’t put her phone away, he swiftly snatched her phone away and

“You can get your phone from me after class!” Skills such as this caught the attention of Professor Jessabelle Stevens, who decided to tell the head of the literature department of her outstanding TA’s gusto. After sitting in on Tuesday’s “Intro to Comparative Literature” lecture, the head of the literature department, Dr. Jang, was awed by Bernstein’s work ethic. “I have never, in all my years at UCSD, seen a TA take his job so seriously. We need more TAs like Bernstein! To commend him for his excellent work, I will be appointing him to a most prestigious and enviable position,” reported Jang. “Hopefully the other TAs, like that lazy bitch Jan, will follow Bernstein’s lead.” On the day of appointment, Bernstein got a manicure to insure that his phone-taking hands were

ready to snatch phones away left and right with minimal resistance. Once Bernstein arrived at Dr. Jang’s office for the official christening, Jang pulled out her beloved, worn copy of “The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemmingway. She instructed Bernstein to place his hand on the “soft, yet firm” cover of this “literary masterpiece,” and recite the oath of the official Phone Taker-Awayer. Conveniently, Bernstein’s christening was just an hour before Thursday’s “Intro to Comparative Literature” class. Bernstein was so eager to begin his new position, that he reportedly began snatching phones from students studying in the lobby of PC Theater before class to pass the time. Sources report that at precisely 3:20 p.m., Bernstein was seen running into the

sition at the back, just left of the projector — the perfect place to see the “telltale glow of a sinful student’s cellular.” Bernstein’s logs for the day contained information on “that blond punk from section A03” who brought out his iPhone 6 during lecture and tried to hide it against the side of his thigh. Bernstein, however, logged that he had seen this trick hundreds of times, and was more than prepared with the “elegant force and superior posture” necessary to speed-walk down the left aisle and officially consecrate his position as Phone Taker-Awayer. Bernstein was seen returning confidently to his position on the back wall, smugly smirking to himself after informing the individual of his omnipresent power over phone take-awaying.

UNDERWATER BASKET BRIEFING BARISTAS PETINFL’S SAINTS, TION TO BE CALLED PANTHERS DEBATE “THE SPICE GIRLS” IF TRUE DEMOCFOR THE FALL RACY CAN EXIST IN HONG KONG As fall comes into full

swing, a petition has been put forward to temporarily rename all female baristas “The Spice Girls.” Supporters reason that the change would result in numerous positive changes for baristas. As the baristas cannot unionize, their best option for solidarity is embracing the “girl power” of a classic ‘90s girl band like “The Spice Girls.” Renaming them will also give the “Spice Girls” the freedom to develop specialties based on their new aliases, including: Scary Spice Lattes, Sporty Spice Lattes, Baby Spice Lattes, Ginger Spice Lattes, and Posh Spice Lattes. Baristas joined the movement, suggesting their own changes, such as a revamp of their ordering prompt to be “YOOOO, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!” However, there is some fear that after becoming too absorbed in their roles, the baristas would fail to hear orders, unless preceded by the line “WELL, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT.” Orders for the drip coffee colloquially known as “Zig-a-zig-ha” are expected to spike.

A football game was held last Thursday between the New Orleans Saints and the Carolina Panthers to address the issue of whether true democracy will ever be achieved in Hong Kong. The Saints pushed forward their ideals of political freedom by advocating for civil nominations into the election for the National People’s Congress by punching in a quick three-yard run by running back Mark Ingram. The Panthers defended the efforts of Beijing to remain a decisive force within Hong Kong. With a 10-yard run by quarterback Cam Newton, Carolina enforced the political ideals of a large nominating base that would have electoral candidates chosen by members of the reigning political party. However, after a tough battle involving sacks, fumbles, injuries to both sides, and teargassed students, the Saints came out on top with a fourth quarter touchdown by Ingram. The victory seemed popular to the majority of the public eye, including those who had been taking a stance against censorship and police brutality by the Chinese government and by those who had Ingram on their fantasy team.

LA JOLLA SOLVES HOMELESSNESS BY CLOSING EYES, COVERING EARS Earlier this week, representatives from La Jolla Council announced that they had solved the homelessness crisis in the city with their “Pretend They’re Not There” initiative. The initiative, which has been hailed as “revolutionary” and “effective,” is simple. By “covering one’s ears and closing one’s eyes,” La Jolla Council has found that the homelessness problem disappears entirely. “The difference between our program and other programs out there,” said James Gunderson, director of the initiative, “is that we’ve brought in the entire community. Everyone is working together to ignore the homelessness crisis.” In the past four weeks, La Jolla Council has neither recorded nor acknowledged a single case of homelessness, suggesting that the effort may be the most effective solution to a homeless crisis in history. The initiative, however, has faced some criticism. During the question and answer portion of the press release, one citizen noted that if a homeless person were to touch someone, the strategy would be rendered ineffective. In response, Gunderson answered “La la la la la la la I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you.”

BACK-TO-SCHOOL ICEBREAKER USAGE LEADS TO MID-QUARTER APOCALYPSE Autumn took a deadly turn this school year as students throughout the nation commenced icebreaking, the friendship-initiating tradition in which students purge their misanthropic tendencies by collectively taking a golden ice pick to an ice sculpture the size of the elephant in a room the size of Ellen DeGeneres. This year’s classroom tradition coincided with this summer’s nationwide drought; so many sculptures were commissioned of relationship guru DeGeneres that ice harvesters resorted to draining out water reserves everywhere, thus making water a black market commodity and accelerating the entire continental United States into a wasteland devoid of the resources to lube suburban slip n’ slide parties. “My goldfish only have a matter of time before they’re not going to make it,” said Lorna Fox, mother of two. “Let’s be real; this icebreaker business isn’t some mistletoe level crap. These friendships don’t get any deeper than the broken stubs of their chewed-up number two pencils.”

Jack Daniel’s Honey Whiskey, 3/4 full FOR SALE: I’ve got a pretty full bottle of Jack Daniel’s Honey Whiskey to sell. I’m looking for a “youthful” and “energetic” person to sell to. 21+. But someone with the spirit of an 18-year-old, 19-year-old, or 20-year-old, if you get me. $30.

My 100% Legally Obtained Front Bicycle Wheel Collection FREE: Looking to give away all my front bike wheels collected through legitimate, legal avenues. No price, just looking to get rid of them in a hurry for personal reasons. If you’ve lost one, this is perfect for you.

Roommate Erin as Roommate FREE: My roommate — looking for a new home for her. She’s great. She’s so completely great at things like dishes and personal hygiene. Just fantastic. Will never once loudly have sex on the top bunk while you study for chem. Please God, someone just take her.

Page 12

theMQ.org

November 5, 2014

Realms of Incumbency Online

developed by:

Venture into a world of magic and adventure, of myth, lore, and legend; a world of uninhibitedimagination: The Midterm Elections. Build your character from a wide variety of races and parties, customize him/her/him to fit your/the media’s ideal candidate. Fight your way through primaries and straw polls to ultimately defeat and crush your opponents into political obscurity. Will you beat the Tea Party at their own game? Will the ghost of Ronald Reagan rise from his grave in the final moments of the race? It’s all up to you in Realms of Incumbency Online. Create your perfect candidate! Which pieces of armor will your politician don to defeat your foes in battle? Each item will give your character’s stats a boost or a loss. Choose your superficial non-values wisely!

Touch of Gray Hair Dye: +5 Wisdom, -5 Age Flag Pin: +5 Patriotism, +1 Melee Damage Brands you as “not a terrorist”

Blue Collar Shirt: +15% Home Folksiness

Concealed Glock: -5 Political correctness, +5 NRA Patronage

Potion of Voter ID Laws: +15% Republican elective viability,-6000 Democracy

Camera Phone: +90% Chance of being embroiled in sex scandal

Teenage Daughter: +10 Being in touch, +10 Seeming out of touch

Belief in American Exceptionalism: “A double edged sword: one edge cuts education, the other cuts taxes.”

Magic Underwear: +1 Mormonism

Riveting, real time debate action! Hang out with your “friends” before inevitably betra....

Essence of Bill O’Reilly: +40 Decibels to voice volume, +200 Ability to “fuck it and do it live”

SKILLS

Attack

Defense Monkey Business

Ribbon Cutting

Budget Slash

Suing the Government

ultimate:

Hone your candidate’s craft! Upgrade your politician’s defensive strategies and offensive tactics. Choose which track your character will master and finish in an allout, Earth-scorching ultimate attack!

Government shutdown

Mud Slinging

shit talking

General Question Dodging

Avoiding Media Interviews

Baby Kissing

Attractive yet NonThreatenng Wife

Shoe Evasion

ultimate:

Incumbency Rate

Racially Diverse Family