THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
June 6, 2012
I would do anything Tim Burton wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark? I would do it. — Johnny Depp
The last thing you’ll read before fall quarter.
Mitt Romney Already Picking out Swatches for the White House
Volume XVIII Issue VII
IN THIS ISSUE LARGE GARBAGE PATCH DAMAGES 3 ECOSYSTEM CIA DISSOLVED, INTELLIGENCE ALL OVER THE PLACE MQ’S GUIDE TO THE BEACH
4 6, 7
MURDER CLUB HOLDS FIRST GENERAL BODY MASSACRE
9
STATE CUTS FUNDING FOR MATH, 10 K-12 RENAMED K
NEWS IN BRIEF FBI INFORMANT ARRESTED IN CIA STING OPERATION PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
“Let’s see those damn Jehovah’s Witnesses get to my door now,” Romney commented. BY JOSH MALKINSON
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Assistant Design Editor
n a storm of controversy that has eclipsed the debates on economic recovery, education, religion, gay marriage, and what time the cafeteria should serve brunch on Saturdays, it has been revealed that Republican presidential
nominee Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney has already begun planning how he will redecorate the president’s residence if elected to office later this year. Recognizable, white, moderately old, and carefully maintained by a large number of support staff, Romney has attempted to appeal to the
public through a display of frugality in his plans. He has stated his intention to eschew gold toilet seats in favor of a more tasteful silver, limit the budget for paint to a conservative $5.7 million, and save on labor by starting the project with much enthusiasm only to make himself scarce the next day and leave Ann to do all the work.
His wife’s involvement in the project could prove a key factor for undecided voters in the run-up to the election. While campaigning for governorship of Massachusetts (the state being largely Democratic), he announced, “I believe
See ROMNEY, page 2
Urban Studies and Planning Major Wishes He Had Done Less Urban Studies, More Planning BY BRIAN DAMP Editor-in-Chief
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pencer Fairman, a recent graduate from the University of California, San Diego’s urban studies and planning program is reportedly “a little regretful” about his decision to take courses solely from the urban studies aspect of the degree while entirely neglecting the planning aspect. He admits, “I probably should have taken a lot more classes like ‘Urban Planning, Infrastructure, and Real Estate’ and a lot fewer classes like ‘How to Not Get Mugged on the Street.’ He added, “Though I suppose the latter will come in handy where I’m living soon.” Fairman is one of several thousand University of California grads entering the workforce this summer who hope to find a way to apply their $60,000 education to get them out of their $17,000 average of student loan debt. Unlike the rest of these graduates, Fairman says he is “not stressing too badly about it.” In fact, he claims that he isn’t really worried, and attributes the “constant, gnawing feeling of distress” in his stomach to having eaten at Bombay Coast too many times this week. Zac Ratelle, Fairman’s roommate, reports to the contrary. Recently, Fairman’s behavior has taken a pitiful turn.
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
Last Friday, a secret sting operation resulted in the arrest of an FBI informant, in what the CIA has called the greatest victory for domestic surveillance. “This is the greatest defeat for domestic surveillance,” Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, said. “Our agent was just about to gain the trust of a group of extremist pacifists by selling them guns.” The sting was the climax of a top-secret operation, which had been tracking the radical group for months and arresting them at a fake world peace convention. According to Mueller, the FBI
knew the CIA was closing in, but could not stop them because of the top-secret classification of the informant’s activity. “We couldn’t warn our agent either, because the sting was above his security clearance,” Mueller said. The FBI informant was uncovering the pacifists’ violent tendencies by indoctrinating them into violent ideology and tactics, a CIA official, who wished to remain anonymous, said. Still, that official admitted that the FBI’s tactic of aiding and abetting suspected terrorists was the best way to gain their trust and guarantee an arrest.
CATHOLICS DECLARE ABSTINENCE AN IMMORAL FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL On Friday, the Vatican issued a memorandum declaring abstinence to be an immoral form of birth control, reversing decades of progressive policy changes. “The Holy See feels that abstinence in relationships goes against the Vatican’s 21st century policies,” a Vatican representative explained. “Abstinence implies that human-human relationships are acceptable. Love should be directed toward God, Jesus, and the church, never other people.” Father Joe Salerno however, was dismayed. “The young folks these days can’t go without sex for very long.
If the Catholic Church tells them that they can’t have sex, then what will they do with all their free time? Ecstasy? Abstinence is a gateway drug.” Many teenagers and young adults were confused by the Vatican’s new directive, but some said they could live with the change. “I love my boyfriend Ethan, and we’re both Catholics,” college student Kelsey Anderson commented. “We’ve planned to intercourse each other for a long time now, and don’t want to wait for the right time. Everyone’s doing it; no one’s waiting, you know? Abstinence isn’t cool.”
“According to this model, it’s obvious that Chicago needs better low-income housing,” he said. “He says he’s conducting some self-guided courses in urban design theory to help pad his resume. And by that he means he’s been building Lego cities in his room for two weeks with a ‘Men at Work’ sign posted on his door.” Ratelle added, “I told him his time would be better spent engineering a Lego shack to live in when the lease is up. Cardboard isn’t too waterproof.” In a recent interview conducted while he packed several cases of cup noodles into the back of his base model Corolla, Fairman explained
how the coursework he completed would likely yield a worthwhile career as a public servant and “an impressive annual salary of jack squat.” On a positive note, Fairman remarks, “At least my senior thesis research on the impacts of affordable housing on selfperception should come in handy! When I’m living in the projects next year, I’ll know that my soul-crushing unhappiness is partially the result of poor design planning on the part of the development corporation. That should make me feel better.” He then added, “Ooh, a
quarter,” retrieving what soon turned out to be a metal washer from beneath the cushions of the rear seat. He then further added, “Oh, never mind.” Despite others’ grim predictions, Fairman remains convinced he will find employment. He claims he knows a three-step method to guarantee employment in any career path after taking a four-unit course entitled “Inequality and Jobs”. He says: “Step 1: Don’t be a minority. Step 2: Lie on your resumé. Step 3: Travel back in time to 1999. So far, I’ve got two out of three.”
THIRD FLOOR OF GEISEL DISCOVERED DURING BLACKOUT
STUDENT FINALLY SUCCUMBS TO SUNGOD HANGOVER
Look at this picture!
“Man, Wiz Khalifa’s performance was great!”
UCSD FORCED TO LEARN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INDIAN AMERICAN AND AMERICAN INDIAN Saturday, the office of the Chancellor released a statement revealing that newly appointed chancellor, Pradeep Khosla, was Indian American, not American Indian as previously believed. When told about the news, senior Elsa Wang said, “What? You mean he’s not Native American? I thought we hired someone like him because it’s good PR.” Other students were more neutral about the mix-up. “Indian American, American Indian, we’re all God’s children,” InterVarsity member Ryder Falchuck explained. “As long as they believe in God, of course.” However, some had
stronger opinions about the mix-up. “Once again, the UCSD administration has taken an insensitive, onesize-fits-all approach to racial and ethnic identity,” sociology professor Cesar Alaya complained. “We’re probably going to have to implement another series of diversity and ethnic inclusion courses for all students.” “Then again, adding more DEI classes would be a very effective way of educating students to be more culturally sensitive. I mean, what undergrad isn’t inspired by and enthusiastic about classes like ETHN 1C?”
See BRIEFS, page 11
