MQ
Believe it or not, these are the best years of your life
September 26, 2002
University of California San Diego
NOT IN THIS ISSUE
Amoeba Music spawns new stores through mitosis
Eric Estrada recieves unwarranted postal honor
Volume IX Issue I
Bush Declares Iraq 51st State
Vice President Dick Cheney declares civil war
By Colin Parent Editor in Chief Washington, USA – Responding to recent setbacks within the UN on the Administration’s stated goal of regime change in Iraq, the Bush administration announced Wednesday the immediate annexation of Iraq as a new state of the Union. Citing stalled progress on a new resolution mapping out the return of UN weapons inspections to Iraq, and a growing international reticence against US military action, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stated that the Bush administration was “proud to welcome Iraq as the 51st state,” during the daily press briefing to the White House press corps. A Creative Solution Fleischer explained at the briefing that the absorption of Iraq into the United States would effectively end international criticism about US meddling in the affairs of another sovereign nation, by eliminating its sovereignty. “This is just the kind of innovative problem solving the American people have come to expect from the Bush administration,” said Fleischer, who briefly paused to caress an 8x10 glossy of the president folded in his breast pocket. Fleischer then continued his discussion of Bush’s “strong international influence,” which the president was exerting on the
photo by Colin Parent
Saddam Hussein, formerly the despotic ruler of Iraq, is now running for governor on a platform of economic reform and gassing any political opposition.
World Educational Conference in Sydney, Australia, while vacationing in his Crawford, Texas ranch. Peace On the Middle East After months of reported disagreement within the Bush Ad-
by Carly Young Staff Writer
enters the world of college,” said a teary eyed Mrs. McGowen. “We feel it is essential that she is provided with a sturdy car which can withstand a powerful impact.” “Lisa has always been conscientious and studious,” added Mr. McGowen. “She is respectful and considerate both on the road and in every other aspect of her life. When her tiny VW Bug was dented beyond recognition after she hit a
Student on Academic Probation considers joining Navy FALSIFIED QUOTE
"Civil liberties, schmivil liberties."
themq.com
attacking Iraq,” said US Secretary of State Colin Powell, an alleged “dove” within the administration. “But now that every Iraqi is a US IRAQ CONTINUED ON PG 2
Bad Driver’s Parents Purchase Her Even Larger Car With the start of the school year just around the corner, the parents of incoming freshman Lisa McGowen have decided to buy their daughter a car that is even bigger than the previous eight she has owned. “We just want our little girl to have everything she needs as she
-Attorney General John Ashcroft
ministration about the best course of action to take with Iraq, press statements and internal sources point to near unanimity for this latest policy shift. “I’ve been a little concerned about the prospect of
photo by James Meeker
"I never could parallel park!" giggles Lisa McGowen, as she safely rolls over a Honda Civic containing a family of four.
mother deer and two baby fawns on the freeway, my wife and I knew that we would just have to buy her a bigger, stronger car to protect her from such roadside hazards.” “After Lisa’s Bug was replaced with a Honda Accord,” says childhood friend Michelle Larson, “another tragedy occurred. Lisa and I were cruising along when this dumb group of kindergartners on a field trip walked across the road in the crosswalk that was directly in front of us.” “Poor Lisa was devastated,” sobbed Mrs. McGowen while being consoled by her husband. “The impact of the vehicle against so many children completely totaled her car.” “I mean, they just came out of nowhere,” Michelle continued. “One minute, the kids were on the sidewalk and the next minute they were in the crosswalk, right in front of Lisa’s car. Lisa was horrified by the damage done to her car. I’m so glad that her parents bought her a nice big Nissan Frontier to make up for the devastating loss of her midsized Honda Accord.” When Mrs. McGowen’s frail, elderly mother was mowed down by Lisa, Mrs. McGowen was furious. “I’ve always clashed with my mother,” she fumed, “but this was just the last straw. When Lisa ran her over, her stupid gold-topped cane punched a hole in the gas
tank, causing my daughter’s new truck to explode. I thank God that Lisa escaped unharmed.” The tales of the VW Bug, the Honda Accord, and the Nissan Frontier are but a chapter in the long book of Lisa’s history of vehicle destruction. Details of other mishaps remain hazy, but sources confirm that they involved the eradication of puppies, chubby babies, and vegetarians. “These damn things keep getting in the way of my daughter and her vehicle,” said Mr. McGowen. “With each car that is destroyed, a piece of Lisa is destroyed as well. My only solution is to keep on buying her more powerful cars in the hopes that one of them will stand up in the face of all the obstacles that hit her.” “We are looking into buying her a decommissioned Abrams tank,” Mrs. McGowen confided to reporters. “As long as the details are finalized with the government by the time school starts, everything should be A-OK.” Although Lisa was hiding from the DMV and unavailable for comment, sources interviewed another childhood friend, Willa Jones. “Lisa needs traffic school, not a bigger car,” Willa said. “Honestly, what kind of person runs over her own priest? I pray for the souls of the freshmen who will be sharing the road with her in the fall.”
The MQ
Page 2 IRAQ CONTINUED FROM PG 1 citizen, I think it’s our duty to make sure they’re provided with every benefit of that citizenship.” Powell described those benefits as over-consumption and exemption from international clean air standards. Planning for action against Iraq has moved from within the US State Department to the newly created Department of Homeland Security. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge explained, “It’s not the place of the State Department, or even the Department of Defense to directly engage in internal protection of our newly expanded nation. We will, however, be working closely with the Department of Defense in order to ensure the free exercise of democracy within Iraq, mostly through a liberal application of bombs and big ol’ tanks.” Relief from Allies After months of skepticism and outright condemnation of plans to topple the Saddam regime from US allies, a noticeable change in opinion has surfaced. “It’s not the place of the United States to play policeman of the world,” said Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, who earlier called the proposed attack “unwarranted.” “But now that Iraq is just another state of the US, I don’t really feel comfortable critiquing actions the US takes to shore up ‘internal’ conflicts.” British Prime Minster Tony Blair, one of the few international leaders to support the US calls for regime change, has responded to this recent development positively. “This is a bold step for American, uh… foreignternal policy,” said Blair. “So does this mean we don’t have to commit troops?”
Some Notable Dissent When telephoned for comment in regards to Fleischer’s announcements, Saudi Ambassador to the US, Prince Bandar bin Sultan laughed and replied: “Is this Farouk? Who put you up to this?” After the ambassador confirmed the authenticity of the White House’s announcement with an office aide, he made several heated remarks regarding the president’s parentage that he subsequently requested not be printed here. An Unexpected Supporter Surprising members of the Bush administration, and many international observers has been the impromptu announcement by former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein of his bid for the Iraqi governorship. “This is an important and historic development in the course of our country, err, state,” said the former Iraqi president at a press conference hastily scheduled after Fleischer’s announcement. Dressed in a bathrobe and holding a half-empty cup of coffee, Hussein pledged to ensure a smooth transition from an oppressive totalitarian regime to an American state with “no worse oppression than in Texas.” Political pundits have expressed mixed opinions about Hussein’s chances for election. Although some analysts point to his near universal name recognition in the state, many see insurmountable hurdles, such as the refusal of any major party to accept him as their nominee, and his record, which includes the gassing Iraqi civilians. Another significant challenge to Hussein’s election was revealed later Wednesday when Attorney General John Ashcroft announced a warrant for his arrest, charging Hussein with being an Arab-American.
September 26, 2002
later...
Later still... Still... later
MQ Recruitment Meeting:
Tuesday 6:00pm, Half Dome, Muir (Not just for Muirons)
MQ
Editors
Editor in Chief...........................Colin Parent Managing Editor...............Jasmine de Lung Associate Managing Editor...........Liz Erwin Content Editor.......................James Meeker Asst. Content Editor..........PLEASE INQUIRE Senior Assistant Bitch...........David Hughes Dartmoth Whoooor........Laura Schniedwind Graphics Slut..............................Andy Collins Webmaster..............................Michael Truex Social Director............................Carol Freire Don't Mind The Guy in China....Reid Barrett MQ Mom...............................Laura Paajanen Sr. Staff Member....................................Zank Sr. Staff Member..............Nick Lieberknecht Muir Dean...............................Patty Mahaffey MQ Advisor...................................Jill Corrales Sold Soul to Res Life.............Justin Williams
The MQ Staff: Sure it's an old picture, but man, is it a keeper. Seriously kids, if you wanna join, you should. It's a lot of fun. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” All content is copyright © 2002 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. That’s Colin now. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes. So you're thinking: "Hey, this thing's pretty funny, I'd love to join. " And maybe you're also thinking, "But hey, I'm not funny, or at least not as funny as these devilishly attractive MQ-types." Well, you may be right, but rest assured, the MQ firmly belives that humor is a skill to be taught. Come hang out with us. If you don't think you have what it takes to be an MQ writer, give us a chance, we can mold you. Improve you. Also, you're actually probably a lot funnier than you think. Don't be intimidated. Come to our recruitment meeting. It's on Tuesday at 6:00pm at Half Dome Lounge (on the South side of the Muir quad.) And if you can't make that meeting, email me at cparent@ucsd.edu and we'll find a way for you to get involved.
MQ Staff Members Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Dave Krimper Adina Ackerman Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Carly Young Aaron Sheinbein
Akemi Hong Doug Hanes Nick Thaler Gabe Kreb Jimmy Bennett Rachel Audino Johnnie Chi Brent Hecht Richard Lim
Leroy Johnson Lauren Cooper Pierced Heather Daniel Baron Carol Freire Phil Duncan Ted McCombs David Lin D-House Jon
MQ Booster Club Kirsten Bowen and her delicious brownies (that's not necessarily a euphemism)
September 26, 2002
The MQ
Freshman Can’t Wait to Start Online Journal Liz Erwin Design Editor Hoping to keep in touch with friends and family back home, Marshall freshman Tanya Woods is making plans to set up an online journal sometime this week. “I’ve always been the expressive, touchy-feely type,” bubbled the Electrical Engineering major. “This will be the perfect way to keep those creative juices flowing and let Grandma know how my day has been.” Woods’ family is excited about the forthcoming journal. “I can’t wait to read about all of Tanya’s new friends,” said Woods’ mother. “I hope she meets some nice, premed, Methodist boys there at UCSD. She could get her MRS and her BS at the same time.” When asked what exactly she will be including in her daily update, Woods responded, “I don’t know if I’ll write about every little detail,” while eyeing the boys’ suite across the hall. “I mean, I don’t want my parents to be too involved in my life still. They have to let go sometime, for their own good.” Other attempts at journaling by Woods have generally been abandoned after a few weeks. “This is time is sooo different though,”
Bewildered by the new time measurement system imposed on him by college, Muir freshman John McQuentin has taken to carrying a copy of the academic calendar in his wallet. McQuentin elaborated on his problem explaining, “I just couldn’t keep things straight between which week was which, and then people starting throwing in terms like Zero Week, Welcome Week, Midterm Season… I decided it was easier to have a reference sheet than to ask people to give me actual dates.” McQuentin’s roommate,
Cheboygan Man Fails to Make “Most Eligible Bachelor” List
photo by James Meeker
Patrick Dowler signifficantly improving his eligibility by holding a cute puppy. photo by Colin Parent
Tanya Woods typing away at her new "blog" in a misguided effort to make up for weeks of future neglect.
said Woods. “I’m going to have so much extra time because I only have three days of classes. Tuesday and Thursday are going to be my ‘productive days.’” Woods’ Resident Advisor, Kim Jackson, has been trained for situations like these. “We’re told to make encouraging noises, but not to make any value judg-
ments. Enthusiasm about their new life usually dies out during the third week midterms for most freshmen. Tanya is extraordinarily excited, but she is an Electrical Engineering major. Her will to live, and to share that life with others, probably won’t make it past fifth week.”
Student Confused by Quarter System Liz Erwin Design Editor
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George Carlton, called the decision “in everyone’s best interest.” According to Carlton, McQuentin’s confusion had started to interfere with Carlton’s social life. “These two girls were totally jocking us in the Grill line at Sierra Summit,” said Carlton. “They asked us if we wanted to go to a Jello party they were having in their suite third week. John gets this goofy look on his face, trying to figure out when exactly that was. That’s when they walked away laughing. They didn’t even give me any digits. I told John to figure his shit out, because if I didn’t get some poon in the next week, I’d be coming after him in the shower.”
McQuentin’s confusion has also affected his academic success. “My professor told us that we had a midterm third week,” said McQuentin. “But I couldn’t figure out if he meant second week, which is the third week of classes, the actual third week, or fourth week, because I heard some professors don’t actually count first week because it’s just review. I finally decided he meant fourth week. He really meant the actual third week.” According to his psychologist, McQuentin’s problems should be alleviated by seventh week, when he loses touch with the world outside UCSD.
photo by Colin Parent
John McQuentin: a fat, confused young man.
By James Meeker Content Editor Cheboygan, MI - Local attorney Patrick Dowler was reportedly “crushed” when he discovered Tuesday that he once again failed to appear on People magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelors” list. “I just don’t understand it,” said Dowler. “Ever since I was passed over last year, I’ve devoted myself to becoming a better bachelor. I even turned down a partnership at my firm, just so that I’d have more time to spend on future relationships. And yet every year, I’m beaten out by the likes of Justin Timberlake and Dale Earnhardt, Jr.” Dowler has shown remarkable
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improvement over the last year, and should have been a strong competitor for “Most Eligible Bachelor,” according to friends and coworkers. “He’s been working so hard to improve himself,” said neighbor Sourav Kaif. “He’s taken a number of gourmet cooking classes, and he’s become a licensed masseuse. On top of that, he’s become fairly fluent in French. How could he not be one of People magazine’s most eligible bachelors? I’m beginning to think that the list only reflects who is famous and beautiful, and not who would be a desirable companion.” “I can understand why he didn’t make the cut last year,” said Lucia Gerardi, Dowler’s supervisor. “He was a little overweight, and he worked too much. All he really had going for him was his sensitive, caring personality, a warm sense of humor and an endearing smile. But this year? At the very least, he should have been able to edge out P. Diddy.” The inclusion of rapper Sean “P. Diddy” Combs on People magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelors” list was “extremely upsetting” to Dowler. “P. Diddy? Yeah, I can see why he’s an example of a most eligible bachelor,” said Dowler. “Except for that whole shoot-out in a Manhattan nightclub. Or his refusal to pay child support for his four-year old son. Line up ladies, this one’s a winner!” Added Dowler, “I’m so very lonely.”
Places Your Parents Are Likely To Have Sex Now That You’ve Moved Out
10. In your bed 9. On the coffee table, over your subscription of PC Gamer Monthly 8. Next to the roaring bonfire that used to be all your worldly possessions 7. In the front yard 6. In your dorm room 5. With your Christmas present puppy 4. In the same back seat that saw you lose your virginity 3. In the same S&M dungeon they’ve always used 2. On the tattered remains of the picture album containing all your baby photos 1. Wherever they goddamn please
The MQ
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September 26, 2002
Student Health Services to Begin Distributing Free Condoms, Coitus by Andy Collins Dead to Me
In a press conference Monday, Student Health Services officials announced plans to begin providing free contraceptives and sexual intercourse to students on a walk-in basis starting
next week. The project is the brainchild of Dorothy Mirkin, head nurse and avid supporter of safe sex education. When reached for comment, Ms. Mirkin said, “Our main goal is to protect students from risky sexual practices and provide them with what they need
to have the fun they want while still being safe. We were tired of seeing unlucky Revelle students come back from Tijuana with hepatitis after becoming intoxicated and paying to have sex with a ten-year-old boy.” She then added, “You sick Revelle bastards should be
Helthworkers taking a well-deserved break from a long day of encouraging safe sex at UCSD. hire Melinda Johnson, pictuerd at the right. "And my back sure needed a rest."
ashamed of yourselves.” Throughout the conference, officials stressed that the new program’s main goal is to keep students safe in a world increasingly fraught with sexrelated perils. “If we can’t get the student body to use our free condoms, we’re willing to go further and provide a safe, available partner to service them, rather than see them go make foolish decisions such as seeking out sexual partners at SDSU,” commented Natalie Madison, a nurse at the Student Health Center. In addition to erecting a Free Condom Station inside the Health Center, staff members have interviewed and hired over three dozen “Case Workers” to handle the expected torrent of lonely, lonely students. “These new employees have all been medically screened and are free of any diseases despite their previous histories as prostitutes or SDSU students,” Ms. Mirkin stated. “We’ve hired both men and women, straight and gay. We’re confident that we’ll be able to meet the needs of the overwhelmingly undersexed student body. We’re even in contract negotiaphoto by James Meeker tions now in an attempt to "It's good to strech our legs," says recent secure anal intercourse as part of the job description
for our female staff. Unfortunately, Golden Showers and Felching are not on the table at this time.” Part of the Health Services building has recently been renovated to provide space for dozens of beds and cubicles to provide privacy for students choosing to take advantage of the new program. Mood lighting and scented candles will be installed this weekend, sources say. Opposition has come from several religious campus organizations concerned with the idea of providing students with free, mind blowing, casual sex. “We want our voices heard concerning this wanton debauchery,” commented David Murray, a member of Campus Crusade for Christ. “But with daily death threats demanding our silence coming in from Darkstar Gaming Club and The Society for Creative Anachronisms, many of our members are keeping quiet.” “Besides,” added Murray, “who would even want to have sex before their wedding night? I don’t get it.” At this time, plans for unveiling this new facet of Student Health Services continue unabated. Students are encouraged to stop by and request free condoms and sexual favors from the Student Health Services staff whenever they get a chance.
UCSD Athletics Department Considers Mascot Change Fighting Poindexters considered By Laura Paajanen MQ Mom The UC San Diego Department of Intercollegiate Athletics announced on Monday a proposal to replace the familiar UCSD Triton mascot with a new mascot, the “Fighting Poindexter.” The change in mascots is intended to update the image of the school’s athletics and draw more students into the athletic culture at UCSD. According to Associate Athletic Director Ken Grosse, The UCSD mascot should be something that represents the school and its students, which the Triton
figure fails to do. “Over the last several years, student attendance at athletic events has been abysmal,” said Grosse. “The lack of spirit and poor attendance isn’t due to poor teams. The problem stems from an inability of most students to relate to UCSD’s athletic culture.” “Nerds,” added Grosse. “ We d o n ’t h ave a w h o l e lot of cool people at UCSD,” said Grosse. “So you need the school mascot to be something with which the students can identify. Why would a computer science major feel any affinity towards a triton? What do you think of when someone
says UCSD? The first thing that comes to my mind is huge frickin’ geeks, not mutant fish people.” The change in mascot is a part of a wider effort by the UCSD Athletics Department to reach out to students on campus, according to Director of Athletics Earl W. Edwards. “This isn’t just about getting more bookworms out to the games on the weekends,” said Edwards. “We’re really trying to reinvent the athletics department as something that understands the needs and interests of UCSD students.” Edwards explained plans to replace the triton-labeled bottle opener giveaways with that of poindexter-labeled pocket protectors and asthma inhalers. Added Edwards, “We’re also sending the cheerleaders out Friday to a Counterstrike party at Argo." Not all members of the Department of Intercollegiate Athletics are in favor of the mascot change. “I think we should stick with the Tritons,” s a i d A d m i n i s t r a t ive Assistant Dionne Chears. “I mean, do y o u h ave a ny i d e a how much actual work it would mean for me if we had to change
Can’t find parties on your own? Want to hang out with people who all look the same? Not particularly concerned with sincerity?
Join the Sisters of Sigma Pi "The Best Friends Money Can Buy"
photo by Gabe Kreb
The proposed new UCSD mascot: "The Fighting Poindexter."
the mascot? I’m not going to go to the trouble of arranging new costumes and new mascot routines just so a few more pencil-necked geeks will drag their pointy little heads away from their computers.” ASUCSD Commissioner of Athletics Robin Shelton also expressed his doubts about the
new mascot. “I resent the idea that the entire UCSD campus is a bunch of geeks. UCSD is about more than just LAN parties, studying, and crying yourself to sleep every night. And besides, the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of UCSD is mutant fish people.”
The MQ
By Colin Parent No, Really Hey there good lookin'. I’ve seen you around here before. You come through here every day swishin’ those fine hips across town, turning heads and making boys feel like men. I know you see me watchin’ you, but don’t expect me to say ‘’hi.” Hey hot stuff, I’m just gonna watch you everyday in the park and never work up the nerve to talk to you. You know I’m checking out your fine body. And whenever I smile confidently at you, just to let you know that I’ve got my eye on you, I’ve noticed how you smile enticingly back at me. I know you’re just waitin’ for me to strike up a conversation, and take this plain flirtation to the next level, but that’s just not my style, sweetheart. I just don’t have the guts to talk to you.
Sure we know about each other. I’ll be talking to a group of friends near the bike racks, and I’ll look over their shoulders to see you talking to some of your fine girlfriends. Hot birds like you must flock together. But I’ll smile at you as you see me noticin’ you among the crowd, and you’ll glance back, just to say “what’re you waiting for, big boy?” I’ll wink coyly back. No, I won’t look away. I’m not afraid of letting the world know that I’ve got a “thing” for you. But I am woefully afraid of any conversation with an attractive female. You know how it goes, sugarlips. It’s tough talkin’ to a woman who’s got to know how hot a tamale she really is. You probably get all the attention you can handle. And just because you send me all the right signals, and do everything you can to boost my confidence, I just
can’t talk to you. It’s not that I don’t want to. You know I do. And I know you’re waiting for me to just walk up and shyly say “howdy.” But you’re just gonna have to get comfortable, sweetcheeks, because I am paralyzed with intimidation. Maybe you’re getting frustrated, waiting for me to sack up and make my move on your sweet, sweet body. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “What do I have to do? Strip down to a negligee and show up on your doorstep sloppy wet and panting for your man meat?” All I gotta say to that intoxicating suggestion is an emphatic “maybe.” I’m just not sure that the sight of your silky brown skin tickled under crisp lace wouldn’t leave my mind, and body, whimpering and useless. I know I’m not bad looking. And I know you’re eager to have me remind you why
The MQ Presents: Ask a Really Really Emo Guy with my parents civil, and pronto! Really Emo Guy, you’re my only hope! Sincerely, Moanin’ Ex-Mormon in Tuscaloosa Dear Moanin’, You don’t really see me, because I am not really here. I am alone, lost in the slip of the stream. I don’t Dear Really Emo Guy, really see you, because you I want to start off by sayare not really there, and ing that I really love my my glasses are fogged from family. That said, I just the tears you’ve caused me. can’t stand them right They’re designer. Why do I now! My parents want feel so bad when I think of me to come with them you? When I think of you (and my loathsome little brother) to visit my grand- all I do is wet my argyles weeping. Alone. parents in Montana this Thanksgiving break, but I want to stay in San Diego Dear Really Emo Guy, I’m having problems with to be with my boyfriend. my girlfriend. She won’t What complicates things leave me alone! Whether is that my parents are I’m at home studying, out Mormon, and they can’t with the guys, or at work, know that I have a boyfriend! I need to think of a she never stops calling my way to get out of this fam- cell phone. I’ve gotten to ily trip and keep relations the point where I’ll let it
ring to the voice mail two or three times before I know it’s serious enough to pick up! I still like her a lot, but I can’t handle much more of this! How do I let her know that this is driving me crazy without driving her away? Sincerely, Phoned Out in Pittsburgh Dear Phoned Out, There is nothing that we can do. It’s over. What we’ve shared is gone and now we are but a husk of our former selves, and that’s what we have to work with now. We’d best get going. I loved you more than I loved anyone. You were a song I couldn’t sing for long. Now I’m packing my things. Maybe back east. I’ll read Salinger and put on your tape, and when my voice is breaking, I will think of you.
you were born a woman, but I’m not even gonna try. I’ve got a crippling insecurity, baby. And I know that I ain’t gonna move a muscle to chat it up with you. Listen up, sex kitten; you’re just too mouth-watering for me to approach. Your allure is like an insurmountable barrier that keeps me at arms length, forever trapping me in a timeless cage of doubt and unreasonable fear, you fine sexy woman.
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Tuesday, 6pm, Half Dome Lounge
Hey hot stuff, I’m just gonna watch you every day in the park and never work up the nerve to actually talk to you
Join the MQ: recruitment meeting,
Page 5
Don't waste your college years.
September 26, 2002
Responses to the Question "Do you believe in the death penalty?" by people trying to get out of jury
10. “Is that one of those new Swedish rock groups?” 9. “I have a moral objection to the death penalty, but you sure are good lookin’, Mr. Hamster Man.” 8. “I’m pretty much against it. Well, except for Democrats." 7. “You know I’d love to perform my civic duty and all, but I’m pretty busy managing a local crack house.” 6. “Do you think he did it? I do.” 5. “I don’t believe the state has a right to deprive a citizen of their right to life, nor their right to attend further days of jury duty wearing nothing but butt-less chaps." 4. “If we decide on death, do we get to watch?” 3. “That seems really harsh; how about a couple of free throws.” 2. “Is my uncontrollable spastic diarrhea going to be a problem here?” 1. “Um, did you guys notice this freshlycarved Swastika in my forehead?”
MQ Page 6
The MQ
September 26, 2002
An Intro to UCSD
Meet the Freshmen!
Every year, the freshman class of UCSD brings in thousands of attractive, studious, and interesting young people. Of course, along with these fine upstanding students, are a handful of weirdo’s, which the MQ likes to brand as “freaky freaks.” These daring individuals reject both conformity and common sense. Keep your eyes open, you’ll probably run into one of these new additions to the campus freak show. The Guitar-Playing Weirdo Identifying features: Acoustic guitar, eyes glazed over Encountering the Guitar-Playing Weirdo: He’ll try to serenade, then cut you. BIO: Suffering from an undiagnosed mental condition, “The Guitar-Playing Weirdo” will lure you into a false sense of security with this deft skill with the instrument that lends him his name. His musical talent and repertoire will impress you, just before he strips naked and carves your name in his chest. Sure he’ll follow you home from class and wait outside your door till you come out again, but at least the soundtrack to the creepiness will be pleasant. One rule guys: don’t show him your penis. He hates that.
Charming Dirty Guy Identifying feature: Big, yellow smile Encountering the Charming Dirty Guy: He’ll stink a little, but you’ll enjoy his flirting with you. BIO: This toothy scalawag will charm your pants off with his roguish accounts of acquiring more than his share of free condoms, frisbees, and lanyard key chains. Sure he’s a little unkempt, and Mother wouldn’t like him, but he’s just what you need to experiment without all the hassle and heartache of “caring.”
“That Guy With the Funny Hat” Guy Identifying features: The funny hat Encountering the Funny Hat Guy: A stifled exchange, as he wonders to himself: “Why aren’t they commenting on my funny hat? It’s funny, after all.” BIO: So maybe he isn’t all that exciting, but he’s sure got a great hat. What he lacks in individuality he makes up for in headwear. The best decision this guy ever made was to devote himself to becoming a vehicle for the funny hat.
www.themq.com
The Guy Who Always Wears a Mexican Wrestling Costume Identifying features: Mexican Wrestling Costume Encountering the Mexican Wrestling Guy: “Hola! Me llamo Brian McDonald! Como te llamas?” Then he picks you up and breaks you over his knee. Twice. BIO: Born in Milwaukee Wisconsin, “The Guy Who Always Wears a Mexican Wrestling Costume” has little in the way of “reasons” for his choice of dress. “The Guy Who Always Wears a Mexican Wrestling Costume” attends lecture, eats at Plaza, and dates an attractive Tri-Delt, all while wearing his mask and stretch suit. Friends have learned not to catch his attention on Library walk, where he’s known to greet people with a powerful 540-Degree Pile-Driver while shouting, “Don’t mess with El Fuerte!”
Crazy Anime Chick Identifying feature: White, poorly-pronounced Japanese phrases, doesn’t get along with parents. Encountering the Crazy Anime Chick: “Hai,” “Konichi-wa, BIO: Not everyone can be Japanese, or animated for that matter. This young woman’s taking fandom a bit too far. An interest in a culture foreign to your own ethnic background is commendable, trying to live life as a cartoon is troubling. She spends an extra fifteen minutes in the morning trying to make her eyes look bigger, more American.
September 26, 2002
The MQ
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The MQ's Back to School Drinking Game Take a drink… • • • • • •
• When classes start. During class. When a cell phone rings during class. When classes finish. In the Muir Res Halls on Tuesday nights at 7:00, when all the HAs are at a meeting. If your roommate’s parents call before noon on the weekend. You’re almost run over by a skater on Library Walk.
Take two drinks …
• When you realize that the cutie in the front row of your Math 20A class is only “UCSD cute.” • When you can’t find any parking in the Gilman structure. Or East Parking. Or Regents lot. Or North Parking. • When a required class for your major is only offered at 8:00 am. • When your professor takes a cell phone call during class. • When you think you might be sober enough to drive. • When you’re living on campus, and you realize they were lying when they said you don’t need a car in La Jolla. • When you realize you’re turning into an alcoholic.
Take a shot …
• If this is your fifth year at UCSD. Take an extra shot for each additional year you’ve been a UCSD student. • When those ass-bastard parking police give you a ticket when your permit is in plain sight. Do you think that’s funny, you fascist sons of bitches? • Every time you feel like watching some Tritons football.
Finish the bottle …
• When you’re sitting alone in your room on a Friday night with a bottle of Jose Cuervo and your O-Chem book, and you realize that these are the best days of your life.
MQ Presents: Surviving Tijuana
Traveling to California’s friendly neighbor to the south is a unique opportunity for Southern California’s students to experience a vibrant and interesting culture. Tijuana, however, is the destination most frequently chosen. Follow these short tips to avoid coming home sans kidney.
The MQ
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September 26, 2002
Exxon Mobil Offers Aid With Iraqi Weapons Inspections By Colin Parent UNSCOM Director In a press conference held Wednesday morning, the Exxon Mobil corporation offered its help to UN weapons inspectors in the search for weapons of mass destruction in the deserts and oilfields of Iraq. Citing Saddam Hussein’s track record of “deceit and treachery,” in complying with UN mandates, Exxon Executive Vice President Harry J. Longwell claimed that it was the duty of his company “as a responsible citizen of the world, to aid the United Nations in any way possible, in their endeavors to make this earth a safer place.” Longwell pledged the full resources of research, exploration, and refining specialists of the Exxon Mobile corporation to the UN inspection teams. “From updated petroleum reserve estimates, to drilling miles below the Iraqi desert in search of weapon caches, Exxon Mobil is fully willing to help.” Exxon Mobil also announced at the press conference plans to move key infrastructure resources to the Persian Gulf area in order to assist the upcoming UN mission. “We’ll have extra corporate resources, like exploration drills, and tankers moved into the area, just in case the UN needs them.” Responding to questions from reporters about the utility of any help from Exxon Mobil to the efforts of finding and destroying
weapons of mass destruction, Longwell assured the media that his company was simply offering its help, if the UN wanted it. Longwell also suggested that there might be ways in which Exxon Mobil would be uniquely qualified to aid in the search for banned military programs. “Weapons of mass destruction are an insidious risk to the world community,” said Longwell. “Exxon Mobil will do its part by transporting millions of barrels of Iraq’s subterranean oil reserves to the United States, where it can be safely inspected for biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons.” The Exxon announcement comes just over a week after Bathe Party officials disclosed in a letter to Secretary General Kofi Anan that Iraq would again allow weapons inspectors onto Iraqi soil. The change in Iraqi policy, if realized, would be in direct contradiction to predictions made by President Bush. When informed of the Iraqi declaration, Bush is reported to have uttered the phrase “confoundit.” [sic] When asked for comment about the offer from Exxon Mobile, US president George W. Bush seemed appreciative. Speaking at a press conference held after a fundraiser in California Wednesday, Bush thanked the leadership of the Exxon Mobil company, and stated that, “The search for weapons of mass destruction must not be hindered by Saddam, his allies, or the absence of trained oil company development engineers.”
photo by Colin Parent, UNSCOM Director
ABOVE: An artist's rendering provided by the Exxon Mobile Corporation, displaying the integral role that they expect to play in the upcoming weapons inspectoins.
September 26, 2002
The MQ
Page 9 Each year many new students are given the responsibility and distinction of becoming a Residential Advisor at UCSD. To help these students in their challenges ahead, the MQ presents some helpful hints: • Don’t be surprised if you find yourself feeling lonely living with students that are so much younger than you are. Turn lemons into lemonade by using your perceived wisdom and status to convince your residents that you’re not an absolute tool. • Marijuana is considered a gateway drug. Providing your students with fresh needles will keep their drug habits limited to one, manageable substance. • Residents who engage in sexual activities with multiple partners can lead to an eventual spread of STD's. Combat that danger by doing everything possible to satisfy your residents personally. • Residential Life offices typically frown upon dating your residents. Take note: it’s not dating if they’re too drunk to remember. • Alcohol safety can be encouraged by developing your residents’ tolerance through an educational program of beer-bongs and keg stands. • To acquire the necessary help to demonstrate safe sexual practices to your
residents, do not hesitate in recruiting members of the community, like the Marines. • Even RA’s need space to themselves for homework and personal issues. Keep your residents at bay by through a combination of body odor and razor wire. • Many RA’s find that friends from previous years turn up again, only to mooch off of their meal points. You can beat this problem by reminding such tagalongs that meal points at UCSD are only able to purchase what most describe as human excrement. • Programming is a duty all RA’s must face. Find clever and educational ways to develop your residents’ safety such as “How Not to Gnaw Through a Condom Night,” and “Double-Bagging It: Safer and LongerLasting.”* • One of your duties as an RA is to instill a sense of commitment and responsibility in your residents. A good way to accomplish this is to tell suicidal residents to “put up or shut up.” • Discouraging students from exploring themselves and the world around them is a responsibility of all Residential Life offices. Lead by example through holding your own head in the sand, both figuratively and literally when possible.
*Hey Numbskull. Using two condoms simultaneously is actually the easiest way to cause friction breakage.
GO APESHIT INSURANCE For when you just have to destroy things.
The MQ
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September 26, 2002
School Administration Approves “Fascism in Education at Cal” Program beginning in 2002-03 Academic Year Kip Mitchell, Bitter Disillusioned Alcoholic University officials have reportedly approved a new academic program designed to “discourage any sort of democratic learning environment” and also to “taunt and ridicule” the student body, according sources within the administration. The FECAL program, which is modeled after UC Berkeley’s “DECAL” program, was first conceived at a meeting in early July as a possible response to a growing number of non-Biology, non-Engineering majors who feel alienated by the administration’s open contempt for non-Biology, non-Engineering majors. Director of Undergraduate Admissions Mae Brown is the creative force behind the new program, and believes it will allow students to more quickly and easily realize just how much they are missing out on. “UCSD has a reputation for being a barren wasteland of social activity and academic diversity, but concrete evidence of these grave shortcomings is sometimes elusive and many of the incoming freshmen have only a vague, uneasy feeling that they have somehow been cheated” Ms. Brown stated in a recent interview. “FECAL allows new students to directly compare their university with other, better schools, and to more completely grasp exactly why it is that their more intelligent, charismatic and
When's the last time you visited theMQ.com?
TOP FIVE
New Names for Iraq After ‘‘W” Finishes Daddy’s work 5. East Idaho 4. Texaco 3. Hegemonia 2. Dont’t-MessWith-TheBushes-istan 1. Nuclear Wasteland
physically attractive friends were admitted to Berkeley, while they were not.” Traditionally, UC Berkeley’s DECAL program has allowed the students themselves to design and teach classes on virtually any subject they choose. The catalog of DECAL classes offered for the fall 2002 semester includes “Blackjack,” “Deconstructing Pro Wrestling,” and “Receiving Fellatio From Attractive Sixteen Year Old Christy Turlington Clones While Fetching Brick After Brick of Gold Bullion From A Vat of Tasty Fudge With a Diamond Shovel.” The “equally impressive though less orgasmic” catalog of FECAL classes reportedly have been drafted by Azrael, Lord of Sorrow, and will be taught by members of San Diego’s criminally-insane homeless population rather than by the students, according to Director Brown. In an interview conducted on Monday for this article, UCSD Chancellor Robert Dynes expressed his “bowel-shaking excitement” about FECAL and described its impetus: “According to survey information collected at this year’s orientation, approximately eleventy-nine thousand percent of UCSD enrollees indicated, while sobbing, that UC Berkeley had been their first-choice school. These kids are here, and not at Cal, for a reason: they are failures. As the comparatively second-rate Chancellor of this comparatively second-rate
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institution, I feel it is my personal responsibility to take every one of these kids by the ears and just shake them and say, ‘Hey. What the hell do you think this is, huh? Summer camp? I’ve got your Cal right here, bitch.’” To this end, a series of FECAL classes under the heading “life at UCSD” will be offered to freshmen and transfer students to aquaint them with the campus. Warren freshmen are eligible for enrollment in “Alone In Your Dorm Room Behind the Three Locked Steel Doors of Failure,” while ERC students may take courses in “You Are Ugly,” and “Guess Who Doesn’t Have a Proper Dining Commons.” Revelle students will be required to complete a three quarter series entitled “Welcome to Argo fucking prison,” bringing the total of Revelle general education classes to a whopping infinity. “Very Difficult Math” and “Drinking to Dull the Agony of Daily Existance in this Hellhole” are open to all students. Although information about FECALs for non-freshpersons has yet to be released, Chancellor Dynes has promised that the coursework will appropriately reward students for “being a such a squadron of idiots.” When pressed for details, Dynes elaborated while gesturing wildly with his fists: “Yeah, we’re trial-running FECAL on the freshmen for now, but you just wait, you’ll all get what’s com-
photo by Andrew Stewart Collins
ing. All you college students, you all want your Art History jackoff classes and your cultural diversity and your social life, and I’m just tired of listening to all the whining. Frankly, fuck you. You’re
at my school now, nowhere else, and you will remember that when you wake up in the morning and you will know it every day for the next four, five, six, or possibly seven years of your life.”
Things to Do With a Spent Tube of Chapstick
8. Throw elephant dung at it and sell it as modern art
5. Push it into your nostril hard enough to pith your brain 4. Lube up and have sex with it 3. Maybe take it out to dinner first
7. Murder someone with it 6. Fasten a strap to it and use it as a purse
2. Collect the whole set 1. Throw it away
10. Frame it 9. Donate it to charity
The MQ
September 26, 2002
Page 11
The MQ’s UCSD Survival Guide Presents: News in Brief Plans to Rid How to Pass Your Upcoming Midterms Bush Nation of Poor
College midterms are considerably harder than the tests taken in most high school classes. Many incoming students need to develop new strategies to tackle the challenges of college academics. · Studying is a prerequisite for success in any testing situation. Take a cue from your upperclassmen and prioritize studying over personal hygiene, relationships, and life-sustaining medication. · Study groups are a common method for sharing the workload of studying for a tough midterm. Save time by forming a group of your most studious classmates, and after faking a debilitating sickness, reassign your responsibilities to the suckers who foolishly trusted you. · Staying awake while studying is a challenge to many students. When Cokes and Mountain Dew lose their effect, a cup of hot coffee can still do wonders, especially if you have a friendly study-buddy pour a quick cup into your lap. · A long night of cramming without enough sleep can diminish one’s ability to take a test the following morning. A hot cup of coffee’s a typical student’s answer, but you can beat the curve with a smart shot of heroin. · A good night’s sleep is always helpful when taking a test. Even when nervous for an exam, Tylenol PM is a poor substitute for wearing a plastic bag on your head. · It’s always a good idea to have a satisfying meal before any test. If you live on campus, consider whether hunger is worse than the all-too-likely spastic diarrhea. · Sometimes a glance over at your neighbor’s exam can mean the difference between a passing and a failing grade. Make the right choice and sit next to the ugly girl in the front who didn’t spend the week prior snorting lines and crawling into every filthy bed she could squeeze into, you impudent strumpet. · Most tests require either a Scantron sheet or a blue book to record your answers. If you forget one, just stand outside the classroom and wait for latecomers. They’ll be so exhausted and disoriented from cramming and forgetting to set their alarm that a quick jab to the chin should be all it takes to acquire the necessary materials. · Cheat.
Following the recent unveiling of his administration’s plan to prevent forest fires by thinning out the nation’s forest, George W. Bush announced a plan to day which deals with the recent rise in unemployment by deporting the nation‘s poor. President Bush explained the problem saying, “I plan to fight this problem like I fought the messy bureaucracy of big government, and the wasteful and dangerous state of our nations virgin forests. No American should have to worry about finding a job, and those who do shouldn’t be Americans any more.” Democrats and other critics
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Advertised As:
True Agenda:
SDSU Student “Totally Buzzed” off “Like One Beer”
San Diego State Student Gary Weitzman got “plenty sauced,” off of one alcoholic beverage at a house party in the University City area Tuesday. According to Weitzman, he typically drinks in excess of one beer in order to become intoxicated from alcohol consumption. Weitzman also alleged that he “almost never throws up,” and rarely calls his ex girlfriend and sobs while singing “their song.”
Reasons You're Still a Bio Major
10. Competing with a third of the school for required major classes gives you a rush 9. Mitosis is the closest you’ll ever get to ‘’action” 8. Poking hot irons into your eyes just doesn't do it for you anymore 7. You’re Revelle’s bitch 6. There’s a guy in your 300 person lecture who’s totally not ugly, soulless and boring 5. Suicide is for the weak 4. Pediatrics is the only legal method of telling little boys to take their clothes off 3. It’s a lot cheaper than paying someone to pour wax on your nipples, and it’s almost as painful 2. Watching hermaphroditic leeches get it on makes you hot 1. Daddy’s belt
Hurriedly scribbling at your UC application, you may or may not have noticed the section that asks you to “rank” UCSD’s colleges. While 89% of incoming freshmen prefer the dice or crapshoot method and 10% use the blindfold-and-point, 1% actually skim over the requirements on the brochure and make a “choice.” Let’s explore this phenomenon: College
of the president have expressed serious concern over the president’s plan, while a spokesperson for the nation’s Factory Owner’s Association described the proposal as “really cool.”
Your Reasoning for Choosing It:
Revelle
The Sciences College
To be your personality-type-A parent away from home.
“I hate myself.”
Muir
The Easy College
Instilling a façade of liberalism.
“I looked on a map, and it was the closest to the beach.”
Marshall
The Diversity College
Warren
The Engineering College
An ecological niche experiment, pitting humans against rabbits.
“I bet they have LAN parties.”
Rosie
The International College
“Study abroad. Please. Get the hell out, and quit taking up our parking and housing.”
People don’t choose Roosevelt.
6th
The Arts and Technology College
World domination. NeoTokyo rules.
Get-Out-Of-Davis Free Pass
Drawing attention away from our “Maybe I can see RIMAC hotties from 40% caucasian, 39% asian, 2% my dorm window.” hispanic, 2% african-american stats
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Careers in Philosophy
10. Suckpig 9. Mooch 8. Starving and cold 7. Philosopher king 6. Carnie 5. Who needs a career when you don’t even exist? 4. Piñata 3. Ugandan warlord 2. Blood donor 1. Neighborhood cat lady
The MQ
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September 26, 2002
MQ Trading Cards: Campus Leaders Chair of the Bio Department
1
Responsible For: Excruciating major requirements Loves to taunt: Pre-meds Reason to Hate Him: He never had to apply to med school
President of the Campus Republicans
7
Hobbies: Spending time alone in dorm room Leadership Style: Self-motivation Career Goal: Railroad Tycoon
Dynes' Telepathic Love-baby
A Cute Kitty Cat
9
Responsible For: Bein’ cute, chasin' mice. Hobbies: Catnip, Yarn, porch corpses Leadership Style: Neo McCarthyism
Assistant Resident Dean
22
Enjoys: Delusions of significance Responsible for: Nuthin’ Leadership Style: Rhyme - “Do what I say, silly RA”
EDNA
6
Hobbies: Hunnies Covertly Controls: Entire University Next Target: The world
Residential Security Officer
534
Career: Talking to strangers over the phone Night Job: Talking dirty to strangers over the phone Knows: Everything
Sungod
50
Hobbies: Sending you to detox, Drinking confiscated alcohol Last Job: Pastry chef Leadership style: Violent Oppression
Draw Sungod in 3 Easy Steps
3
Hobbies: Boozin’ you up Awards: Most popular campus deity 4 years running Leadership Style: Textbook minimalist
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v
2. Fill in a few lines for distinct features
1. Start with a simple outline of Sungod's shape
Join the MQ.
3. Shade and color in
Reasons Not to Register to Vote
10. You didn’t want to meet all those hot boys at the polling location anyhow 9. It’s exactly what the terrorists want you to do 8. Joe Watson says you shouldn’t 7. Democracy blows 6. You’re way too busy becoming a campus legend at Counterstrike 5. You’d much rather leave America’s decision-making process to those cultured intellectual voters in the Midwest 4. Jury duty 3. You’ll get kicked out of the Che Cafe 2. Registering to vote means you have to, like, vote ‘n’ stuff. 1. You’re a dumbass idiot
You don't have to be funny. We'll teach you how.
Tuesday, 6pm, Half Dome Lounge (Muir College)
Come MQ. O