The MQ Volume 27 Issue 2

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

November 4, 2020

“After months of useless polls and simulations, I will now be dissolving into a pile of goop.”

- Nate Silver, Statistician and Editor-inChief of FiveThirtyEight.

Volume XXVII Issue II

Interfering in elections since 1989

Moviegoers Petition to Implement New “PP” Rating for Pre-Pandemic Films, Citing Dangerous Behavior

IN THIS ISSUE PANDEMIC NOT ENOUGH TO HALT CONSTRUCTION

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AREA WOMAN WITH 3 CATS INSISTS SHE’S FINE

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THE MQ SECEDES FROM THE UNION

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SOMEONE PLEASE EAT MY HASSELBACK POTATOES ZOOM BACKGROUNDS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FASHION

Theaters have increased the number of showing times for Jim Carrey’s “The Mask.”

BY MARIA DHILLA

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Staff Writer

new viral campaign, called the PG-PP Movement, has emerged from a small movie-watching Facebook group with 209 members. This group is petitioning for the Motion Picture Association (MPA) to add a new rating for movies filmed prior to or during the COVID-19 pandemic.

According to the Change. org petition, which currently has 209 signatures, PG-PP stands for “Parental Guidance suggested–Pre-Pandemic.”

Helena Williamson-Barrett, a self-proclaimed Netflix connoisseur and founder of the PG-PP Movement Facebook group, hopes that the MPA will take this petition seriously. “I was watching ‘Titanic’ with my two children in my highly sanitized home theater. During multiple scenes, I saw so many people squeezed into a tight space, I was immediately panicked about their health,” she wrote in a public Facebook post paired with a picture of a ‘Despicable Me’ Minion.

“I was terribly distracted by

the crowds of people running around the ship, brushing up against each other and breathing without masks. I couldn’t even figure out what the movie was about! It was a relief to see some of them distancing while floating face-down in the ocean near the end,” Williamson-Barrett concluded. Many others in the group reported similar feelings of fear and panic when watching pre-pandemic movies and were reportedly worried about what messages their children might be receiving.

According to the description on their page, “98 percent of movies filmed before the pandemic do NOT display proper social distancing or even involve masks!” One commenter claimed, “Films depicting large crowds demonstrate reckless behavior and pose a danger to society during these unprecedented times. I can’t believe how selfish these directors are being, sacrificing personal safety for their artistic vision.”

They posit that movies with little to no social distancing may be influencing teens and young adults to break guidelines, stat-

PHOTO BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT

ing: “If this filth is what teens are watching these days, it’s no wonder they’re partying like they’re in ‘The Great Gatsby.’”

However, there are people who are vehemently against this budding movement. A rival Facebook group titled “Free the PP” claims that putting restrictive ratings on pre-pandemic films would prevent children and teens from being exposed to, as one commenter states, “what it’s like in the real world.”

Multiple concerned citizens are also questioning the name of the PG-PP Movement, pointing out the inappropriate implications in the acronym. “I guess they should’ve been more careful,” said Nathan Brown, a student interviewed at a “Roarin’ 20s” frat party. “I mean, we all know that PP stands for Party Pooper, and that’s just, like, sad. Dude, I can’t even support the movement without all my friends laughing and calling me a poophead.” The acronym seems to be making the movement unpopular with the younger generation, as several other partygoers looked uncomfortable when

asked about PP films.

Some members of the original group have put out statements regarding other courses of action. They say that “if the MPA can’t implement this rating, they should at least promote safe practices for children by putting CGI masks on every person in popular films, such as ‘Avengers: Endgame,’ ‘The Lion King,’ and ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’” When asked how such a task would be accomplished, one member, Elizabeth Nettles, stated: “They got some poor schmuck to CGI out all the buttholes in the movie ‘Cats,’ so I think it would be kind of like the same thing.”

The MPA did not immediately respond to requests for comment. One member of the PG-PP Movement Facebook group claimed that, as the official MPA Twitter account made a post promoting the popular TV series ‘Scrubs’ one minute and 23 seconds after being asked, it can be assumed that they were purposefully ignoring the query.

Academic Integrity Office Overwhelmed by Instances of Students “Venting” During Exam

A hard limit was placed on emergency meetings called during quizzes.

BY MELINA CRUZ

Staff Writer he Academic Integrity Office has reported 425 new cases of students being removed from active testing sites. When questioned about the reasons behind a sudden

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surge of dishonesty, the Academic Integrity Office blamed “imposters,” describing them as “lawless extraterrestrial students who refuse to pay anything but in-state tuition.”

Recent academic integrity offense reports included fak-

FUNERAL HELD FOR DEAD FISH The service was shitty

ing tasks, venting, and brutally murdering fellow students.

“This is an entirely new phenomenon,” claimed the director of the Academic Integrity Office, Cheryl Copeland. “Venting,” she described, means “literally sneaking through air

PHOTO BY JACK YANG vents in an effort to hide from responsibility and blame.”

According to their research, Copeland claims these strategies “hardly work and are a sad

See Venting page 2

SENATOR BINKS RESIGNS Embroiled in sex scandal

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NEWS IN BRIEF SILENT MAJORITY FINALLY FEELS SAFE ENOUGH TO SAY NOTHING After last week’s record time confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, the silent moral majority finally felt they could breathe. According to one Reddit user, this new development is considered by the silent majority to be “sweet as hell.”

“We don’t have to do anything and America will continue to regress,” said a spokesperson for the silent majority. “Finding any concrete voting trend data on the impact of Barrett’s confirmation is proving more difficult than expected. Exit polls reveal many conservative voters simply winked or flashed a ‘white-people’ smile at surveyors from under their masks. As popularly prophesized by

the Republican National Convention since the rise of Reagan, landmark decisions on abortion and gay marriage may finally be overturned in the upcoming Court session.”

Local evangelical pastor and self-proclaimed Trump supporter Jeremiah Faulkland shared his relief after hearing official news of the confirmation.

“Praise God! We didn’t really need the Justice seat filled before the election, but now America is sure to stay great, no matter who’s in power afterwards. I’m sure the left will try and contest the election results in coming days, but with Barrett on the court, we’re sure to keep Trump in his rightful place — as President no matter what.”

POLITICAL SCIENCE CLASS CONSTRUCTS LEFT-LEANING TOWER OF PIAZZA A Piazza forum formed by students of POLI 104A to discuss class materials has recently been identified to contain disproportionately left-wing political views through a large “tower” of printed out Piazza posts compiled by student Albert Relfson. “I learned a lot about my classmates. There were like 15 posts about how scared people were that Roe v. Wade would be overturned. It made me realize there’s real danger lurking in this country. I mean the whole top third of this tower of printouts is just people mourning Barrett’s confirmation. When this many educated people are upset about the same thing, it shows a serious problem:

nobody’s playing devil’s advocate!” Relfson pointed to the views in various posts expressing support for Joe Biden as “extreme socialist propaganda,” while others in the class described them as “barely leaning left of center.”

Relfson continued, “Anyways, all those crazy leftist posts were much longer than the posts asking about the late policy, which was already listed on the syllabus, so they ended up making the tower kind of tilted. ” Relfson claims the left-leaning tower is a “breakthrough in Poli Sci course analytics.” Relfson doubled down on his project, saying “I’m sure my professor will let me use this as my final.”

LOCAL WOMAN RAGE QUITS OVER VAN INCIDENT This past weekend, local congresswoman Chessy Bengal held a rally for the upcoming election in hopes to secure a reelection from the citizens of Ryland, CA. She started the rally detailing the events of a recent almost hit-and-run that occurred on I-5 North.

“Heading from Genesee back to Sorrento Valley, this horrible 2021 Honda Odyssey decided to cut me off on the freeway, almost taking out my front bumper and putting my children at risk!”

Bengal spoke about how although vans are notoriously known for their owners be-

ing family owners, they “truly have the audacity to drive like freaks.”

Many rally attendees cheered for Bengal, shouting affirmations and agreeing with her statements.

Brian Hume, an attendant of Bengal’s rally, told reporters: “I felt seen while Mrs. Bengal was talking about how van drivers will never go the right speed when you want them too.

I trust her to represent the issues I face now. I seriously hope she gets elected and fixes this horrible issue in our community.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

November 4, 2020

Research Finds That Masks Prevent Cartoon Pie Physics

Studies show that data from this research affects all but 3.14 percent of Americans.

BY MATTHEW MILTIMORE

Staff Writer recent report by the UCSD Institute of Public Health determined that, due to widespread mask-use, this upcoming fall season will see a dramatic drop in the rate of individuals cartoonishly lifted through the air by the smell of a delicious pie cooling on a windowsill.

The report comes with the conclusion of a study conducted by Dr. Gotyer Knowes and their team of dedicated researchers. “I am completely confident in our results” claims Dr. Knowes.

“Our research has found that masks, whether they be surgical, reusable, or those disgusting neck gaiters, all significantly reduce the chance that a subject will be cast into the sky by the smelly tendrils

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of a particularly aromatic pie.” While Knowes assured that all mask options have proven to be effective anti-pie lifters, the study did find clear discrepancies based on the type of pie. “Apple, pumpkin, cherry, these are all pies with very strong aroma attractors, or smell grabbers if we want to use the technical term,” reports Dr. Knowes, “but for some reason pecan pie hardly ever causes scent floatation.

Our tests showed that, even without a mask, nobody was drawn towards pecan pie. I guess it’s just a shitty pastry.”

Dr. Knowes findings have proved to be a point of celebration for many piebaking aficionados across the county. “I have never felt more secure in the sanctity of my treats” claims Shawn Curly, a self-described “pie-guy” and

frequent baker of sweet, fruity treats. “For too long, people have been drawn to my windowsill by the scent of my unattended pies. I’ve tried security measures before. Cameras. Tripwires. A big boulder.

None of them have been able to prevent hungry individuals from reaching my crusty boys through scent-based flight.

I’ve had to replace 12 windows over the last five years.

Who knew it would only take continued mask-use resulting from complete lack of governmental response to a nine-month-long pandemic.

I could have made that happen sooner.”

While Curly has welcomed the new findings, other bakers have found the news to be discouraging. “Sure, everyone in the neighborhood stealing my pies via aroma-glide was

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Venting

and miserable last-ditch effort.”

“I can assure you that the number of imposters in this school is being reduced rapidly as we speak,” the director said. “And let it be known that these murders are practically misdemeanors when you compare them to the disgusting, heinous act of sharing code in a CS class. Despicable.

Those are the people who really deserve to be shunted out of an airlock into open space.”

According to a recent study, 37 percent of the reports come from UCSD’s professors and exam proctors. Many claim to have caught students in the act. “I’m not usually one to be, as the kids say, ‘sus’ of my students,” said David Warren, a professor at UCSD. “But as a teacher of integrity, I feel it’s worth saying something when I see a knife-shaped object sticking out of a student’s oversized UCSD hoodie. It’s the principle of the thing.”

Many of the reports, however, are facing scrutiny as being falsified. Some reports are from fellow students accusing their peers. “Whether or not the evidence is lacking, mob mentality has moved many supposed imposters straight to Academic Integrity Office.” said third-year Josh Peckins. This, according to Peckins, leaves room for what he called, “lies, deception, and absolute backstabbery.”

“I’m not suspicious.

Straight up,” Josh insisted,

speaking of a case where he was removed from his testing site after a report from a student eight rows down was deemed valid by the Academic Integrity Office. “The dude was lying. I saw him vent, but everyone was like, ‘Oh, not Ryan. He’s so nice. He walked with me to Electrical.’ They’re gonna regret it big-time when he leaves them with only their spine sticking out of their body … did y’all know we only had one bone?”

Many students say they don’t feel remorse for voting out their peers. “I’m just trying to do my tasks,” said one freshman, who wished to remain anonymous. “And one of those tasks is staying alive. Suck it, Josh.” Second-year Marietta Flores said, “I’m not usually one to accuse people, but I felt it was necessary. I thought he was kinda sus when he just stared at the test and didn’t do anything. He might’ve just been lost as hell, but I wasn’t going to take any chances.”

Despite the uptick in cases, the Academic Integrity Office will reportedly not receive any extra funding. Chancellor Khosla has refused to make a statement, claiming to be “too busy not sabotaging the lights and school funding,” in his newest email, which also provides information on the new “vent-sealing” construction making its way onto campus this winter.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG annoying at first, but then it became part of the fun,” remarks Susan Shaker, a baker and pie-maker. “Now, with the discovery that masks prevent aerial pie attraction, I feel like I’m missing a huge part of the season. For some people, fall is crunchy leaves, flannels, and pumpkins. Not for me. My fall is all about people stealing my pies. I can’t see my grandkids either.

I am so alone.”

This fall will certainly see a marked decrease in the amount of pie-float cases.

However, not everyone wears a mask, and Dr. Knowes advises individuals to “stay away from areas with known pieactivity or you risk the chance of coming into contact with anti-maskers or those people who wear a mask but don’t cover the nose.”

THE MQ

Editor-in-Chief......................Stephen Lightfoot Managing Editor.............................Megan Cox Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor......................Aniela Drumonde Niche Content Editor...............Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.......................................Bri Arce Design Editor..............................Miranda May Design Editor..............................Natalia Nenn

Graphics Editor............................Sharon Roth

Qualitea humor Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org Graphics Editor................................Jack Yang Social/Publicity Chair......... Hanaa Moosavi Copy Editor..........................Ram Sivapalan Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez Web Editor....................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant..........Kaz Nuckowski MQ Uncle’s Roommate........Dan Kaliblotzky Muir Advisor........................Jason Thibodeaux

Staff Members

Our photographer said it’s our best photo because he’s in it. Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Saul Chaplin Jade Coniglio Melina Cruz Rani Das Maria Dhilla

Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Chris Jin Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Andrew Keller Jacob King

Jina Lee Isabelle Mckelvey Seth Mclaughlin Matthew Miltimore Chester Ni Avaneesh Pentaparthy Sophie Pubb Robert Renfro

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Booster Club The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Hey everyone! As I write this in the early hours of November 2nd, life has never seemed quite so hectic, what with COVID getting all the worse, and political instability being a fact of life. In times such as these, I’m extra appreciative of all of the folks (both new and old!) who are a part of this amazing org and have kept me laughing in good and bad times alike. Regardless of who wins the election tomorrow, I’m glad to be with y’all, making jokes to (hopefully) make the world a better place, and fighting for what’s right. I love y’all!

- Stephen

This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars. Because the production of this issue was done over Zoom, however, we have decided to instead use this section to explain why cranberries are the worst dried fruit. Before we devolve into barbaric rants about how cranberries seize our tastebuds and murder them in front of their families, we would like to honor the dried fruit that has made our lives better: dried apples, dried apricots, dried bananas, dried pears, dried pineapple, dried mangos, dried papaya, but dried cranberries? They should be clenched by the hands on the damned as they are dragged into the pits of Hell from whence they came. When we bite into our scones, we would literally rather discover it is filled with dried tomatoes than dried cranberries.

Heed this warning. Down with the bloody red berry.

theMQ.org

November 4, 2020

Pandemic Not Enough to Halt Construction at UCSD

Page 3

POINT

Politics Aren’t That Important

BY BENNY ROURKE

Ambivalent Democrat/Moderate

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f you don’t want to vote, honestly it won’t bug me that much. I, for one, consider myself very politically active. I go to every school board and city council meeting and loudly speak over women and minorities. While you do not need to have the same level of civic engagement as me, you can still vote if you want to.

However, it’s not really important if you don’t. The only reason I vote is so I can complain as much as I goddamn want (and I do!).

Even if you vote for the candidate I don’t like, or don’t vote at all, we can disagree and still be friends. Politics is just politics. We can always put it aside and have a beer.

Or several beers! Come on over and tell me how the kids

Cafe Ventana’s food reportedly tastes the same even with nuclear waste mixed in.

BY AYUSHI BANERJEE

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Staff Writer

n light of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, UCSD has made several notable changes around campus as it welcomes students back for the socially-distanced Fall Quarter. However, one particular change came unexpectedly for many students: the geography of the campus after months of construction carried out over Spring Quarter and summer break. Returning second-year Saira Ahmed commented that, upon returning to campus, she was “so confused” by the new layout. “I didn’t expect to have to find my way around all over again. I got lost on my way to 64 Degrees.

Not because I don’t know the way, but because they blocked all the damn roads to construct whatever God hath next wrought.”

Construction is nothing

new on the UCSD campus, but students such as Ahmed are “surprised” to find new blockages and detours that didn’t exist before they left campus in March. “You’d think they’d give it a rest while the world falls apart!”

Ahmed commented. She then claimed all the problems started with “that giant light pole.”

New detours around the construction have been causing problems for students trying to maneuver their way to classes. Miles Walker, a firstyear student, claimed to have spent two hours trying to get past a detour. “Google Maps kept leading me into construction blockages, there is no escaping them!” Such delays have had far-reaching consequences, including missing persons reports and frantic wellness checks. “My friends thought I died on my way to lunch. They called my fam-

ily and everything,” Walker elaborated. “It’s kind of sad, really. I’ve been thinking of legally changing my last name because it’s being used as evidence that I’ve been prophesied to ‘make a new path’ and deliver students to their classes on time.”

The nature of what is being built has been kept quiet by UCSD administration, but many have begun speculating what new projects Chancellor Khosla has authorized. Third-year student Levi Jones reportedly got into an argument with his roommate over this matter. “I told my roommate that I clearly overheard one of the workers say that they are building a new college to house all the raccoons on campus,” said Jones. “But my roommate said that they were obviously building a complex underground tunnel system specially for the

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH people who use bikes and Bird scooters, to reduce the number of students who get run over by them. One thing we can agree on, though, is that whatever is built will be an affront to humanity.”

Despite all the disagreements regarding the nature of what is being built, there is one common point that everyone seems to agree on: there is no end in sight for construction on campus. Every student interviewed mentioned that construction projects have existed around campus since their respective first years. “I wouldn’t recognize this place without construction. I can’t even imagine what that would look like,” Jones asserted.

“This pandemic may break the economy and change all of our interactions, but nothing can come in the way of construction at UCSD.”

The MQ Reinvents the Wheel to Make a Profit

are doing in school. I know human rights are important and all, but if you don’t respect civil rights, it’s not particularly important to me, a straight cis white man. This is America, the land of the free.

From my experience of privilege, I can say with certainty that no one’s rights are at stake this election cycle. The trend these last four years is just a fluke.

COUNTERPOINT Yes, So You Shouldn’t Vote

BY SEN. THEODORE CRUZ Conservative Incumbent

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his is the first time I’ve ever admitted this, but I think the Democrat has a point!

You guys deserve a break, so don’t worry about voting this year. I know you must be tired from all your fancy protesting. We’ve just been sending the National Guard in and ignoring you anyways, then using it to delegitimize my opponent as a threat to national security — that must be exhausting. Treat yourself! Take election day off! Save money on stamps! Politics aren’t that important, so no need for you to vote.

Regardless of whether you vote or not, we have safety nets in place to ensure Republicans are gonna win this one. Senator Cruz, how are you going to do this, you might ask? We are gerrymandering all the way down to your house. Your kitchen is now technically a bedroom.

We have placed fake ballot boxes throughout the county.

We have talented scouts waiting in the wings to neutralize you if you do find your way to a legitimate ballot drop-off box.

Don’t worry, I will ensure this election is secure — for proponents of my ideology.

Wouldn’t you do the same if it meant staying in power so you can continue to erode constitutional rights for people you don’t like? I promise

you, my fellow proud boys, I’m all for constitutional rights— especially when guns are involved. I am campaigning on a return to old American values coined by even older white men; not because I actually believe in them, but because I like having old pieces of paper to point at.

Honestly, I myself question whether Democrats should even have the right to vote!

Man to man, if you’re a liberal, you shouldn’t have rights anymore. If you choose to be a snowflake lib, then you choose to forsake your right to vote — in that sense, I’m pro-choice.

I mean, maybe if you all went out and voted for Biden, he would stand a chance against my party’s corruption.

I’ll certainly make you stand outside in the rain at voting booths long enough to question your convictions.

But I guess y’all are gonna stay home so it doesn’t really matter anyways.

TOP TEN

Things You Almost Forgot About in 2020 10. The sensation of a lover’s caress 9. The Alamo 8.The apocalyptic boom of a HydroFlask hitting the floor of a lecture hall 7. All of April this year being 4/20 6. The fact that it was a leap year 5. Super Bowl halftime dance by J.Lo and Shakira 4. Memories of shoplifting Uncrustables from the CV market 3. Your mom’s birthday 2. The president got impeached and nothing happened 1. The linear passage of time

Page 4

theMQ.org

Area Woman Living Alone With Three Cats Insists: “I’m Fine!”

November 4, 2020

EDITORIAL

If 2020 Fucked Everyone, Then How Come I’m Still A Virgin?

BY TRENTON TOLAND

W PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“Do we live just to die?” asked Monroe. “Meow,” said her cat.

BY GAGE TANZMAN

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Muir Ambassador

he quarantining caused by the COVID-19 pandemic has stretched on for over six months, prompting mass interest in finding activities to keep themselves busy. Between bread-baking, Tik Tok watching, and binging shows on Disney+, most are doing their best to fight the loneliness and boredom provoked by months spent at home.

One woman, however, insists that she is handling the pandemic “very well” with “absolutely no coping mechanisms whatsoever.”

Kate Monroe, a local student, lives alone with three cats and counts herself as one of the lucky few who isn’t bothered by the isolation.

“I’m not lonely at all! I have a boyfriend and I get to see him for 30 minutes a week! Isn’t that great?”

Monroe listed her boyfriend’s 60 hour work week and the

hour drive to his apartment as “minor inconveniences.”

Further questioning was met only with Monroe declaring that she is “very happy” and “not at all curious about women in a romantic sense.”

“Frankly, I’ve always considered myself an extrovert,” said Monroe, “but this whole being alone all the time thing actually isn’t that bad!

I don’t see any of my friends, ever! Instead I spend most days trying to leash-train my kitties or obsessively watching movies starring Keira Knightley. Sometimes I’ll spend a few hours reading through old text messages just to remind myself of what human interaction felt like.

Pretty normal if you ask me!”

Monroe offered a tour of her apartment to prove how “clawsome” it is to be “completely isolated” from everyone she loves. Her one bedroom apartment was outfitted with several cat castles, over four dozen

cat toys, and even a “catio,” an outdoor enclosure that Monroe built herself during a burst of unexplainable energy after realizing she had spent “12 straight days with no human interaction.”

“Restless? I’m not restless at all!” Monroe proclaimed, without prompting. “Every morning I groom each cat at least three times and then we all chase the red dot together!

It’s a great workout.”

Monroe’s apartment also included a large pile of unfinished laundry, a mounting collection of dishes in the sink, and an overflowing trash bin of tear-stained tissues. “Oh, don’t mind any of that,” insisted Monroe. “I’m just so busy kissing my cats on their furry, little heads and rewatching Riverdale. I’ll get around to cleaning my apartment and other basic human functions eventually! Maybe. Hopefully.”

“Sometimes,” said Monroe, “I’ll even ask my babies for opinions on my next knit-

ting project, but that’s totally normal, anyone would do that! Oh, maybe I should make little outfits for them!” When asked if she was utilizing coping mechanisms to manage the loneliness wrought by the pandemic, Monroe declared that she would be having “a blast no matter what the state of the world is.” She then continued, “So many people are complaining about being ‘sad’ and having ‘nothing to do,’ which is so silly! How could a person ever feel bad when there are so many different ways to play Solitaire?”

Footage was captured of Monroe as she returned to her apartment after “getting the mail,” holding a receipt for another cat castle and a carrier with two more kittens. She settled onto the couch with a box of tissues and several blankets, turning on Netflix and insisting: “See? I’m fine!”

Revelle and Roosevelt Colleges to be Merged, Number of GE Requirements Doubled

“At least I don’t have to worry about finding a job for the next six years,” one student said.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE Staff Writer

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ast Tuesday, during a brief presentation on future improvements for the undergraduate experience across departments, the UCSD administration announced their plan to merge the Revelle and Eleanor Roosevelt colleges together in an effort to increase the number of general education requirements — a move that many claim has been made to create more spots in the department of Computer Science and Engineering.

The presentation outlined a strategy to combat overpopulation in the CSE department by making it more difficult for students to combine their major requirements with the general education requirements of the proposed merger college. According to the administration, the move will encourage students to switch to different majors in different departments.

“Seeing how computer science students in Revelle and Roosevelt colleges often

have a hard time combining their college requirements with their major requirements, we decided to capitalize on it and expand the opportunities it provides us,” said spokesperson Jill Turner during the keynote speech.

The new college, to be dubbed Revelle-Roosevelt, will reflect the philosophy of “Living in a Pre-Computer Era,” an idea that focuses on academic fields and aspects of the society which do not rely on computation. “With the invasiveness of technology in today’s world, we wanted to create a college that completely ignores computers and goes back to the classics,” Turner said. “We even made it so the writing classes will require the use of typewriters, with the hope that professors will eventually require hand-written essays using the good ol’ quill and parchment.”

The most notable difference in the new college will be the added amount of general education requirements.

Instead of creating a new GE plan, the administration com-

bined the current amount of required classes for Revelle and Roosevelt colleges, for a grand total of 35 course requirements.

Additionally, when requirements overlap, they must be satisfied by taking two seperate classes. “We understand that students might find this course load quite challenging, but just remember how much harder it was back in our day!” Turner explained, speaking in a Zoom call from her home, which the Turner family has owned for centuries.

Following the presentation of the new college, students in Revelle and Roosevelt college were sent a survey to gather public opinion on the intended change. The results showed overwhelmingly negative responses, with only one generally positive response that was later discovered to be given by a UCSD admin employee. Most students expressed concerns that the new requirements would be unbearable and make the pursuit of most majors im-

PHOTO BY JACK YANG possible. The provost of the future college, Mark Porter, addressed these claims by announcing the plans to roll out a new major: a Bachelor of Arts degree in General Education, the requirements for which copy those of the Muir college. “This way, we could create the ultimate college system experience for UC San Diego students, making the pursuit of general education subjects as easy and smooth as possible,” Porter stated in an email newsletter concerning the survey responses.

After the merging process is successfully completed, future plans for improving the college system include adding a minor requirement to Sixth College, skydiving classes to Warren College, and integrating the entirety of UC Merced campus as Ninth College with the general education requirements making the students receive an additional bachelor’s degree from the institution.

Freshman Incel

hen I heard the Fox News Financial Analyst say “2020 fucked everyone,” my initial thought was, “Sweet! Now I don’t have to go to college a virgin!” But the next week, when I told my pediatrician that I was sexually active, he said that doesn’t count. I don’t get it! As I was listening to Radiohead and fighting with this idiot 12 year-old on Reddit, I wondered to myself, “Why am I still a virgin?”

It’s not that I’m unattractive — In fact, my mom tells me I’m the most attractive boy in my grade! I do all the right things! I never shower or use deodorant, so nothing masks my raw, natural pheromones.

Girls love a guy with a strong musk. I also don’t even need hair gel because my hair is so greasy and stiff already.

And it’s not that I don’t have game with the ladies — because “Game With The Ladies” is my middle name (Ok, my middle name is actually Thaddeus. I looked into legally changing it to “Game With The Ladies” but the woman at the DMV told me no). But I know all the right things to say to a woman, like “Hey sugar tits! What’s your digits?” and “That ass doesn’t make you look underage.”

And I know it makes women uncomfortable when you say those things to them up close, so I make sure to scream it at

them from a car window while I drive past slowly. Some call it “catcalling,” but I call it a “meet cute” (I mean, the Judge also called it “catcalling” so I guess that would technically be more correct).

I’ve concluded that the reason I’m still a virgin is because no girl is good enough for me.

Like the other day I met this barista who spelled my name correctly on my hot choccy.

She was basically begging for it, but she was kinda fat, so I preemptively told her “No” before she could say anything to me. Then there was this girl at the park who said “bless you” when I sneezed, but she was wearing shorts, and you could totally see that she doesn’t shave her legs. I had to let the poor girl down easy! The only girl I was ever serious about dating was the dance team captain from my high school, Mariah Watts.

Except I recently saw her and she was wearing a BLM pin, and I decided it wasn’t worth it. It just made her seem kinda high maintenance. It’s not that I’m racist or anything. I believe we should have equality, I just don’t really understand why the protests are necessary.

Anyways, the judge from the court case also said I am obligated to stay 100 yards away from Mariah at all times after the noodle incident, but after seeing that pin, I don’t think it’d be a problem.

So basically I’m rolling in pussy. I’m just too much of a gentleman to take advantage of it. And I guess no matter how hard 2020 sucked, I’m still a virgin — Unless any sexy ladies who are reading this want to change that.

Screw 2020. But afterwards, screw me too.

Please.

-Trenton “Game With the Ladies” Toland

TOP TEN

Ways to Make Sure Your Vote Gets Counted 10. Vote several times just to make sure 9. Ask very nicely 8. Show up in person with no mask—they’ll know who to put you down for 7. Copy your friend’s answer 6. Hand your ballot to your county clerk with a 20 dollar bill and wink 5. Eat it, pass it, and when the UCSD COVID-19 sewage screening people see it, they’ll send it in 4. Be a corporation 3. Put yourself in the envelope 2. “One vote, ah ah ah, two votes ah ah ah” 1. You can’t—the election was yesterday

Bet your dad didn’t look this cool in college

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November 4, 2020

Favorite Children’s Book Author Revealed to be Objectively Horrible Person

Page 5

EDITORIAL

Even I, A Poli Sci Major, Have No Idea What the Fuck is Going On

BY JEREMY ROSSI

Fourth-year Poli Sci Student ftentimes my friends come to me for my hot takes on current events. And who could blame them? As one of the only Political Science majors in my friend group, I gotta keep everyone up to date with the happenings of the world. It’s practically my civic duty. Well that, and, you know, voting. But recently, I’ve had a dilemma — my friends ask me, “Hey, what the hell is happening with, like … everything?” And I have no choice but to shake my head and shrug. Every day feels like it unearths a brand-new constitutional crisis, and it’s overly apparent that we’re living in truly unprecedented times.

New, unprecedented challenges arise every day for this nation … except for things like white supremacy and police brutality. Those things are completely precedented, unfortunately.

The year thus far has been an absolute doozy. There’s numerous threats to our democracy: the Supreme Court is set to have a conservative lean for decades to come, a pandemic is continuing to take huge swaths of our population, and I’m pretty sure Trump has violated the Hatch Act like … 37 times? I think it’s up to 37 now, although it could have gone up since I checked this morning. And can we talk about that election?!

I mean, at the time that I’m writing this, it’s actually a few days before the election … but I’d put money on the fact that

O PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “Who knew that the man who conceived a world where native Oompa-Loompas are taken from their homes to serve a white businessman was actually racist?” exclaimed Empale.

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Head Content

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any students reported anguished sobbing coming from thirdyear student Tamara Empale’s dorm room after she clicked open the “Controversies” tab on her favorite childhood author’s Wikipedia page. After discovering the news, Empale reportedly did not leave her dorm for three days, missing the deadline to turn in her essay.

When asked to comment, Empale said, “Y’all, I hate to break it to you, but I think Roald Dahl was, like, not a nice guy. I know, right? Like, you wouldn’t expect it at all. I was even thinking about dressing up as an Oompa Loompa for Halloween, but I’m glad I switched to Harry Potter.”

Empale described the scene of her realization: “I was just procrastinating writing an essay on why 1984 by George Orwell is not as interesting as everyone thinks it is, when

I found myself looking up if there was a movie adaptation I could watch instead of re-reading the book. That, of course, led me to ancient Roman infantry attack formation tactics, and from that to a page on omens and the history of the black cat. Eventually, I got to a list of fictional witches, where I found the Wikipedia listing of Roald Dahl’s book ‘The Witches,’ and you know where I ended up from there.”

When asked why she had not discovered this earlier, Empale explained, “I don’t really follow the news, and the web filter my parents installed on my phone doesn’t let me download social media. I also prefer to view my childhood with a rosy glow that cannot be tarnished. It’s so weird how bad things only started happening as I got older. The world right now is just chock-full of such heavy topics, and it’s so refreshing to re-read my favorite childhood books. That way, I can just ignore what’s happening in

real life! Children’s books that talk about racism and disease don’t really have real-world comparisons, so it’s nice to immerse myself in a world that has new, unique problems that I could imagine myself rising up against if I existed there. Like, obviously I wouldn’t treat dwarves differently just because they came from a different place, with a unique culture, and don’t look exactly like me. Some people just lack basic empathy.”

After her original startling conclusion about Dahl, Empale began researching other children’s book authors and discovered that many more authors could be described as, in her own words, “totally mean people.” Many other students were surprised by this information when Empale wrote a leaflet and shoved them under doors. However, one student commented, “I knew, but somehow it’s like my mind doesn’t want to remember.

I can clearly recall when I

learned the truth about my favorite childhood book authors, but I also remember telling a friend about a book by the same author a month after I found out. I completely glossed over the author in favor of describing the actual book. It’s just easier not to acknowledge bad things than it is to actively face them.”

However, Empale is not giving up her crusade. In the midst of writing her second leaflet, she stated, “I can’t believe people so reprehensible could write such lovely things! How did they not manage to include anything horrible in their books when they constantly said awful things in real life and wrote their outdated views in journals? Truly, I can’t fathom the kind of mental gymnastics some people do to just completely ignore what’s obviously right in front of them. I guess some people just don’t know their own privilege.”

there’s gonna be some crazy shit going down. And I know whatever happens would go over most people’s heads … but I’m a Political Science major, and the fact that things are going over MY head is truly what scares me.

Obviously, the more chaos the election generates, the worse things will get. And in the event things DO get really bad, (which, let’s be frank, it probably will) we’ve got a few paths going forward. The depressing path includes sitting around and waiting as the United States enters a death spiral, while we spend what little we have on enough food to survive until we build something out of the rubble. Or maybe we don’t build anything, and we simply die. If I were a betting man, I’d put money on that option, because dialectically speaking the most depressing outcomes are usually what happens. Alternatively, we could just have a civil war, but I think most people would much rather grab a beer and watch the destruction of the world in peace. Alternatively — and this is the one I’d like to have happen — the US could just pull a full-scale balkanization. This would still probably cause a crap-ton of chaos for a while, but hey, I like the idea of living in a state called Cascadia.

Regardless, the moral of the story is that I’m completely exhausted politically, so I can’t even IMAGINE how hard this must be to understand and live through for you guys who aren’t in Political Science. I wish I knew what would happen so that I could try and prepare, but right now the plan seems to be sitting around, trying to stay healthy, and dying right as I turn 65 so that I don’t have to think about my lack of a retirement plan. My professors gave me election day off, though. I guess that counts for something.

Ask Emily Queue Political Speed Round Dear Emily: Okay, Emily. FMK — John F. Kennedy, John Brown, and John D. Rockefeller.

Emily Says: Oh, the Johns of America. Let’s see … I of course will marry John D. Rockefeller, so that I can immediately kill him once the ink on our marriage certificate dries. I’ll then be able to gain all of his wealth; some to keep and some to donate to the charities of my choosing.

I wouldn’t want to rob JFK of his meteoric adoration, so I’ll have him remain as a martyr to the cause. It can’t be that hard to kill him, right? I mean, Lee Harvey Oswald did it almost by accident. Easy peasy head gets squeezy. That leads us to John Brown. Oh, John Brown — bursting with abolitionist fire, replete with the stamina of 10 men as he mauls down plantation owners and incites slaves to rebel. He can maul me down, too, any time he’d like. If you know what I mean. Wink.

Dear Emily: Does the First Amendment protect me from my self-destructive intrusive thoughts?

Emily says: So the little pissy baby wants to get rid of the memory of that time you called your fourth grade teacher “Mom” and started crying? You want to forget being 15 and kissing your friend goodbye instead of just waving? Do you want that voice in your head — yeah, the one telling you, “No one likes you and your friends are only pretending to be nice to you,” to go away — to stop entering your head freely while you finish your Poli 30D homework? Well, loser, work through your issues; the thought is protected by the First Amendment, even though revisiting trauma definitely shouldn’t be. The First Amendment is about free “speech,” and unless you and I have different views on what thoughts are, I think therapy should be your first concern.

What Should Have Happened

Dear Emily: Am I gay if another guy kisses me on the lips at a party?

BY HANAA MOOSAVI, RAM SIVAPALAN, & BRI ARCE

Emily says: Okay, here’s the sitch. Did you both reach for the same Corona, then hurriedly flinch back, before laughing a little bit and gesturing for the other to take it? Did you then stay together, sitting next to him playing King’s Cup, making sure that he remembered the rules, feeling a warm glow when he bumps your fist, saying, “Dude thanks.” Did you accidentally drink his beer, and then lick your lips, trying to find the taste of his lips over the shitty warm flavor of piss? Did he lean forward, mouthing the words to that Post Malone song about being a rockstar? Did he lean maybe a little bit too far? Did you maybe come closer when you noticed that? Did the kiss last maybe a second too long after you both realized what had happened? If so, as long as you say “no homo” it’s probably fine.

Crying in the Zoom call

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November 4, 2020

The MQ Secedes From

We the People of the United Satire of the MQ (aka Mu Qealand aka Mouth Qorea aka MadaQascar aka MonQolia perfect punchline, establish humor and ensure mocking hilarity, provi promote the general laughter and ensure the blessings of newspaper viewership do ordain and establish this performance art for the Uni

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Khosla wouldn’t renew our fracking permit, but now we have our own permission!

You no longer need to install a VPN!

You can now put Founding Father on your resume, no reference needed!

November 4, 2020

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the Union

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theMQ.org

Denny’s Twitter Account Granted Human Rights

November 4, 2020

POINT

Microaggressions Actually Still Do Exist Because —

BY BRENDA

Third Floor Supervisor ello everyone. My name is Brenda and I work on the third floor. I called this meeting to talk about the threat of microaggressions in the workplace and what they look like. Microaggressions are subtle but offensive comments or actions directed at a member of a marginalized group that are often unintentionally offensive or unconsciously reinforce a stereotype. An example of this would be like when Jared interrupts me in the middle of a quarter evaluation meeting to reiterate my point with the same words that I used.

Or when Harry stops Maria from talking just because he thinks that his point is more important for people to hear than hers, or just interrupting her because he wasn’t listening.

H

The ruling has redefined what it means to be human, causing many to have “eggsistential crises.”

BY SHARON ROTH

Graphics Editor he landmark Supreme Court ruling ‘Denny’s v.

Thomas’ granted Denny’s, an American diner chain, human rights.

Following Denny’s controversial Twitter post calling Wendy’s mascot “flatter than a pancake,” Wendy’s retaliated and sued Denny’s for defamation. A months-long courtroom battle ensued, ending with the Court’s 6-3 vote in favor of Denny’s. The Supreme Court decided that, since Denny’s online persona had taken on so many human traits, the concept of the chain restaurant Denny’s can be considered a person by law, with all the human rights that accompany it. In their report, the justices in

T

favor of the decision argued that Denny’s established its personhood via their extensive, human-like presence on social media. It appears that after ‘Denny’s v. Thomas’ verdict, life is sweet as syrup for Denny’s executives.

Issues then arose after Denny’s was called in for jury duty. The chain initially argued that, since they were open 24-hours at select locations, they were unable to serve.

However, the case proceeded onward. After much debate about who would attend, the chain opted in via live-tweet.

Their first post after being selected for the jury, which was shared over twenty thousand times, was an angsty “Wait ‘til corporate hears about this,” with their human persona Bitmoji rolling its eyes. Several

hours later lawyers called in a key witness, prompting Denny’s to tweet: “Ooh this witness popped off, that testimony was eggcellent.” Twitter users praised Denny’s for holding the justice system accountable and “normalizing jury duty.” Dissenters later clarified that court records were public and jury duty was already a normal part of life for millions of Americans.

Denny’s inspired millions when they added an “I voted” sticker to their Twitter header.

However, this raised questions about how exactly Denny’s was able to vote. These inquiries were addressed when Denny’s posted a selfie of their new spokesperson, Eggs N. Bacon, at a polling station.

Bacon, a man-shaped mound of breakfast foods, held up

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH a ballot in his hash-brown hands. It is unknown which appendage was used to take the selfie.

A month has passed since the Supreme Court ruling.

The diner chain, keeping busy with its duties as a citizen, has already made an impact on the internet and on America’s democracy. While corporations have slowly chipped at regulations about lobbyist spending and tax cuts, this case was a breakthrough in securing human rights for brands. Whether or not individuals agree with the verdict, they can go to their local diner for a mouth-watering meal of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

The justice system can be unfair, but this ruling was a “Grand Slam.”

Ask Emily Queue Political Speed Round: The Expansion Pack Dear Emily: Can I be a Republican Trump supporter and still listen to Green Day? Emily Says: I guess you can? But I have to level with you here — why would you want to be? It’s Green Day, a band that was vocally against racism and American nationalism during the Bush era, let alone what’s going on right now. Like, you know they’re making fun of you and everything you stand for, right? In this current political climate, if you still claim to be a Trump supporter, you’re the “American Idiot” in their hit song “American Idiot.” How can you even enjoy their music? Do you think “The Man” is your dad who always took away your Xbox? If you want to listen to music that gets you pumped, listen to Wagner. That way, you don’t have to listen to those pesky lyrics telling you to criticize American politics, while also supporting another known Nazi sympathizer. Win-win!

Dear Emily: Should the government legalize unicycling in bicycle lanes?

Emily says: Whoa whoa whoa, listen here, bub. What you talkin’ about “legalizing unicycling in bicycle lanes?” I’m still trying to get them to make riding bikes illegal. Those idiotic members of society! Listen, I get it, you want super buff calves and you want everyone to know you’re better than them. But I want that shit as far away from my car and me as possible. Like, Terry on his beach cruiser is going to end up beneath my fender the next time I see him biking across the street to Trader Joe’s. Also unicycling is legal in bicycle lanes, do your research before you waste my time.

Dear Emily: Hypothetically, would the Secret Service kill me before I was able to give Trump a smack on the ass?

Emily says: Well here’s the deal. You would have to get into a Trump rally and you would have to get there early enough so you are front row, like a concert situation. If the ‘trumpies’ in the lines leading to the rally don’t kill you first, you have to battle your way to a good spot by the stage stairs. If the body odor of the ‘trumpies’ don’t suffocate you first, you would then have to get to the stage. This is where you will hit your first Secret Service agent and now have two options: make a break for Trump’s ass or lie your way into tricking the agent. At this point, you are either clever and can get to the ass or stupid and already dead.

Or when Derrik calls all of the women in the office “baby” and “sweetheart.” And when Ryan always asks Patrice why she doesn’t dress up for the office when she’s just in pants, nearly exactly what he’s wearing. Oh and how can I forget when Josh walks around the office, talking in a “bimbo” accent talking about misfiled papers or dropping the pot of coffee or a typo in the weekly evaluation.

And when Brick —

COUNTERPOINT Actually, I’ll Explain This One, Brenda

BY RYAN

G

Downstairs Intern

et a load of Brenda guys, out on the ol’ microagression limb. Listen, if a woman really didn’t want you to explain something to her, she would tell you that, right?

I’m not being rude or anything, I’m just telling the truth.

There are so many things that we, as men, know that women just don’t get exposure to, and it’s honestly our duty to teach women these things so they can go out into the world with more knowledge, like knowledge on things like the Dodge Viper GTS and how many cylinders it has. She needs this information. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. Also, when I do like a valley girl accent, it’s just a joke, like don’t take it so seriously, even if I’m always doing it when I’m talking to Patrice. No, like seriously, I get you think me doing this accent is like ‘detrimental to the way people view women’s intelligence’ and ‘it perpetuates a stereotype that women are only funny when they diminish their own intelligence’ but like I am just saying a joke. I am not perpetuating anything or being detrimental in

any way, I am just saying a joke.

On like an entirely unrelated note though, women really shouldn’t make fun of men being sexist. Like I have never said that women don’t deserve rights and like I have never catcalled a girl in like a serious way. You are just being mean when you make a joke about sexism around me. I take that stuff seriously, like when I’m just making a joke and you say “just like a man would say to a woman,” or when you say “kill all men,” that hurts my feelings.

Like you are perpetuating a bad stereotype of men and if anything, you should be ashamed. Anyways, thank you all for listening and coming to this meeting. That is all I had to say, so everyone is excused.

TOP TEN

Forbidden Dining Hall Meals 10. Chicken tendrils 9. The Pines Cockroach Salad™ 8. Cough Drop Gushers 7. The ready-to-eat sushi sold at the markets 6. Chocolate cupcake with garlic aioli frosting 5. THE spicy meatball 4. Hot grapes 3. Stir Fry a la mode 2. Warm ranch in a soup bowl 1. Mobius chicken strip

We’re probably on a watchlist now THE MQ

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November 4, 2020

New Research on Whale Sharks Revealed to be “Gentile Gentle Giants”

Page 9

EDITORIAL

Someone, Please Eat My Hasselback Potatoes

BY DANIEL KALEBLOOMSKY

Struggling With Quarantine am stupefied. I just took a tray of Hasselback potatoes out of the oven, and for what? Am I about to eat multiple baked potatoes in one sitting? I still need to finish the family-that-hasextended-family-living-withthem sized dish of bolognese that I made a week ago. It’s not my fault that it’s come to this. FoodNetwork.com told me to use six russet potatoes.

What was I supposed to do, make one lonely Hasselback potato? Have you ever seen a single potato hasselbacked?

Have you ever heard the phrase “Hasselback potato” in the singular? “Hasselback potato” has absolutely zero ring to it. What is one sixth of a third of a cup of chives?

How would I measure such a quantity? I might as well give up on knowing how to cook now. I might as well just make one of those so-called “cuppe noodles,” or “gyeux donnes,” like all you classless swine who don’t stake their self worth on knowing their way around a Trader Joe’s. One day you will need to tell your husband you are “swinging by TJ’s to grab a red for Taylor’s dinner party,” and you will rue the day you didn’t bow down to this veritable Trader Joe’s Sommelier.

I

After praying to the golden calf, the whale sharks were seen engaging in whole-hog BBQ.

BY MAX FINE

Staff Writer esearchers at UCSD’s Scripps Institute of Oceanography have made the groundbreaking discovery that whale sharks are gentile, or not of the Jewish faith. It had been agreed-upon by scholars that one hundred percent of whale sharks were Jewish.

However, research conducted

by UCSD’s head shark researcher Hector Damill had, in his words, “completely revitalized the academic discussion on the religious faith of whale sharks.”

Mr. Damill explained, “I was out kayaking in La Jolla Cove one Saturday afternoon, really exercising my quads, when I saw a group of whale sharks swimming off to what I can only assume to be work. During the Sab-

R

bath! I was so shocked I almost dropped my oar.” This discovery, Damill claimed, “really got my mind wandering.” He continued, “I think that no researcher really had the courage to ask themselves: what if we have been wrong about the whale shark this whole time?”

It has been thought that whale sharks were members of the Jewish faith since the 1960s, when whale shark research was in its nascent stages. Doctor Darren Ramos, the world’s first specialized whale shark researcher, was the original person to proclaim the faith of the whale shark.

Dr. Ramos had stated, “after observing the whale shark for six years, not once have I seen a whale shark from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. It was just the logical

conclusion to believe they’re Jewish.” In his memoir on the subject, “Whale Sharks: Not Gentile Gentle Giants,” Ramos also mentioned having “a commitment to spend Saturdays with my then wife, trying to explain why I was studying the religious habits of whale sharks”, which shed light on the subject. Damill stated, “I know it’s required reading, but I never knew anyone else who actually read that memoir. That part made me take all of Dr. Ramos’s conclusions with a grain of sea salt.”

Damill mentioned that the current goal of researchers is to determine the faith of the whale shark. There are several theories, the most prominent being that whale sharks actually make sacrifices to the ancient Greek god Poseidon.

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Damill has described that as “nonsense,” and that, “there is absolutely no research or statistics that suggest that whale sharks follow an ancient Greek faith and worship Poseidon.” He argued that without proper funding from the university, there will be no way to pay enough undergrad researchers to follow whale sharks, stating “I know the state of the world, and I know most of the money has to go to Covid research. However, until proper funding is given, we will never know the true faith of the whale shark. The question will remain, what is the faith of the gentile gentle giant? Also: how would whale sharks track days of the week?

And: what even is whale shark work?”

And baking is a whole other rabbit hole. I had the apparent nerve to find the ‘Great British Baking Show’ calming and imagine myself enjoying baking as a hobby. All I asked for were sweet, delicious foodstuffs that I could take simple satisfaction with having made myself. But instead I stare into a bowl of pumpkin, butter, and egg, solemnly contemplating the fact that I only have two thirds the sugar I need. Nobody told me baking would cause such pain. Nobody told me it would not just give me sore arms from whisking, but heartache as well. Mostly the whisking thing, though. Who invented the whisk? Just buy an electric one, stupid 19th century bakers. Whatever, it’s done, and now I have to face the consequences. Do I think it’s a good idea to subsist on a diet of 80 percent pumpkin bread for three days? No. But a better question is: have I made enough pumpkin bread that has to be consumed by one person to deem self control not worth it in this situation?

I keep imagining this scene of me as a 35 year-old, inviting my fellow 35 year-old friends to my home, where I live with my boyfriend of six years with whom I’ve gone to Spain and tried the most delightful croquetas at a charming tapas place there, to make some under-seasoned chicken that they have to tell me is delicious as we swirl around white wine that is the best of the Chardonnays we tasted in Napa and will lead to hangovers after two glasses. Is it asking too much to be a pompous adult who thinks he can cook and is surrounded by actual physical people to eat the food?

Bowling Balls to No Longer Be Made With Chocolate Center Starting in 2021

New Super Political Compass U

ART BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI EXPLANATION BY ANDREW SITKO Healthy eating advocates support the change, claiming: “Less chocolate is right up our alley!”

BY ROBERT RENFRO

T

Staff Writer

he storied sport of bowling rolled into a new era last Friday, as the final batch of enormous chocolate bowling ball cores was shipped off the production line. Starting in January 2021, the first bowling balls to forego the iconic chocolate center, which has filled every bowling ball for the last several centuries, will come off of the assembly line.

Longtime chocolatier, Wilf Knapp, reminisced about the many years when bowling balls were filled with chocolate, saying, “It’s been a family tradition. I used to work on bowling balls, diligently crafting these delicious chocolate centers, and so did my father before me, and so did his father before him. Now

his father was a farmer, but the farmer’s father, I think, also made chocolate bowling ball centers. I guess four out of the five agreed, just like those dentists from the commercials. Wait, that’s a bad comparison. No dentists recommend chocolate-filled bowling balls.”

The change comes as a result of a new rulebook introduced by the Commission on Safely Putting Food in Bowling Balls. The entire text of the rulebook states simply, “Stop it.” The controversial new head of the commission is Brayden Leech, formerly head of the Association of Full-Contact Tic-Tac-Toe Coaches. On Sunday, Leech posted the following statement to his Myspace, “Although it is a longstanding tradition

to put chocolate inside of every new bowling ball, the commission must recommend against this practice.

Although it may have been useful at one point in time, the latest surveys suggest that as much as 40 percent of people never even eaten the center of a bowling ball, instead reusing it multiple times for multiple rounds of bowling, and having to explain awkward brown stains on their hands when they come home.”

A PBA bowler was anonymously quoted as saying “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I don’t know anything about bowling. My entire career is a lie. I’ve simply gotten very lucky every single game I’ve played. See those white things at the end of the lane?

I don’t know what they’re

PHOTO BY JACK YANG called. I’m a professional, you know how bad it would look if I asked at this point?

Also I never knew the chocolate thing was actually true. I thought it was a bit.”

The change has also garnered some more heated reactions from the bowlingchocolate community. Longtime enthusiasts of the established norm of chocolate centers published an open letter asking the commission to reverse its decision, decrying it as, “belonging in the gutter.” Some welcomed the change, saying the commission should be spared such a response. In the next few weeks, both parties are expected to strike a deal and pin down a plan of action. Within the next week, due to the conflict, the commission is expected to ban bowling puns.

Mario: Mario hopes one day he will rule the Mushroom Kingdom with an Iron Hat. Mario believes that he is the savior of his people and must be in control of the golden coin supply in order to rule.

Bowser: Bowser wants to conquer and rule his kingdom.

Bowser will be the one and only leader of his regime. There is no economic plan in his utopia as all major disputes will be settled in an arena match between him and his debater. He one day hopes for his son to beat him in ritual combat, thus keeping the regime strong.

Luigi: Luigi voted for Bernie in the Democratic Primaries. He hates Commies and thinks that socialists should “Get a grip.” Luigi thinks Bernie’s SocDem society is utopia as it is still capitalist but is carried by socialist elements. Luigi has 45 followers on Twitter, but is following over 1,000 users.

Goomba: Is a cop. Votes for what the police union tells him to vote for. Believes socialists have turned his son gay. His personal utopia of a nice house with a family that loves him has been thwarted by his own bigotry.

Wario: Wario believes that he should be free to do what he wants. Wario lives in his Utopia, a privatised mining operation with its own security and economy. Wario denies climate change, not because he doesn’t believe in science, but because it negatively affects his profit margin.

Captain Toad: Captain Toad is in Antifa. When he saves toads, he explains that there is no centralization of Antifa and it isn’t run by anybody. Captain Toad carries a med-kit to rallies. He is the main enemy of Goomba. Captain Toad says ACAB.

theMQ.org

Page 10

November 4, 2020

Library Walk Student Org Booths to be Moved to Zoom Waiting Rooms

Former “Gifted” Student No Longer “a Pleasure to Have in Class”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “Sometimes I feel like I peaked in preschool,” lamented Livens.

BY MEGAN COX

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “Zoom fatigue has a new meaning now that I’m actually running away from my screen,” claimed one student.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

Staff Writer n an attempt to emulate the regular quarter experience as a part of the “Return to Learn” plan, UCSD admin recently announced plans to allow student organizations to promote themselves in Zoom waiting rooms before lectures.

Ordinarily, student organizations advertise their activities on Library Walk in the center of campus.

However, due to social distancing protocols and the fact that students had “already been developing routes to avoid Library Walk entirely,” UCSD admin is developing a substitute method that would allow students to acquaint themselves with the activities offered by student organizations through remote learning tools.

“Waiting rooms are a common feature on Zoom,

I

and while its white blankness often gives off the feeling of hopelessness and existential dread, we decided to make use of that space by allowing the student orgs to advertise themselves there, thus sharing the hopelessness with more people” said the Center for Student Involvement in an announcement.

The current plan laid out

by UCSD admin is to add conference call functionality to the waiting room so organizations’ representatives can use sound and video features to promote their activities.

The feature will have several modifications to standard conference calls: audio and video will always be on, and the student will not be able to leave the waiting room for three minutes after entering.

“We wanted to provide the first-year students with the most representative UC San

Diego experience possible by making use of the remote learning tools,” said Tim Gardner, author of the Zoom Fair Initiative. “Adding these features increases the degree of immersion and allows the students to experience going to classes the way it was intended: in constant fear of being forced into a conversation.”

Student activists and organizations’ officers believe that the new method of advertising will increase student involvement and will make it easier for smaller organizations to promote themselves.

“Last year our org wasn’t able to attract many people due to the sheer amount of booths at Library Walk. We were being overshadowed by bigger organizations,” said Lisa Redwood, the president of the Booth-Making Club.

“This year, we believe we will be able to get more students

involved and have further reach due to the more invasive methods of advertising.”

The next step in the Zoom Fair Initiative’s promotion of student involvement amidst quarantine measures will be to introduce a series of classes. Among these is the new Library Walk Experience class, which will consist solely of studying the usage and effects of student organization promotion materials. The class will be integrated into the university requirements for all entering first-year and transfer students. In addition, the university is planning to “better the remote learning experience and make it more reflective of the in-person environment by blocking WiFi connectivity and requiring iClickers in Zoom calls,” in an effort to create an authentic learning environment.

UCSD Student Makes Rare, Historic Discovery: Hidden Homework Assignment on Canvas Worth 75 Percent of Grade

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Managing Editor

n first grade, Amanda Livens was reportedly labeled a “talented and gifted” student. 12 years later, she was startled to realize that her current college professors disagree.

Liven’s Calculus professor, Dr. John Foley, said, “During Zoom lectures, it doesn’t even look like Amanda is listening.

She spends her classes eating rice and making earrings. Does she know she can turn her camera off? Does she know plain, white rice is not healthy to eat in such high quantities?” Liven’s Modern Literature professor, Dr. Jamie Garcia, has a similar opinion with Livens, claiming that “she spends most classes playing what I’m pretty sure is online Solitaire. Sometimes she forgets to mute and the whole class can hear the background music. Once it looked like she was taking notes, but when I asked to see what she had written she just held up a detailed drawing of a goose to the camera. Who doesn’t have the decency to lie to their professors? It was a nice goose, though I don’t see how that could help her on the final.”

Livens’ first grade teacher, Doreen McKay, expressed disappointment, saying: “It’s a shame to hear that Amanda isn’t doing well in college. She was such a pleasure to have in class. I remember how polite and kind she was to the other students. I even remember when she started playing the oboe, which is an instrument

we only assign to the most promising students.” Livens still plays the oboe, however she has reportedly stopped learning classical pieces and has spent the last four weeks learning the song “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” by John Denver, a tune the UCSD Band Director described as “a song that should never include an oboe solo.”

When asked about her dwindling academic reputation, Livens said, “School just do be throwing off my vibe. I had such high expectations put on me in elementary school, so I spent all of middle and high school with crippling anxiety that I wasn’t fulfilling my true potential. Finally, in 2019, I watched the movie “Cats” in theatres and had an epiphany. I need to stop trying so hard and just enjoy life.

From that day on, I’ve been like this. It’s freeing.” When Livens was asked whether or not she would start taking her classes seriously again, Livens said, “I’m really focused on trying to feed the squirrels from my apartment window and gain their allegiance. So I don’t really have the energy for academics right now.”

When asked about what she would do with her college degree if she did end up graduating, Livens said, “My first grade teacher Ms. McKay really inspired me. She told me to follow my dreams, and the other night I had a dream that I was a DJ … I think I’m gonna chase that.”

TOP TEN

Ways to Ascend

“I found it,” said one student, “and I still have 20 minutes to submit it!”

BY MARIA DHILLA

Staff Writer CSD freshman Carlos Betancourt did not expect to make history when he enrolled in his MMW 11 course earlier this fall, but now he has found himself embroiled in a world-famous discovery. Just two days ago, Betancourt found a previously unknown homework assignment in the Zoom LTI Pro tab on Canvas worth 75 percent of his total grade.

“I was just clicking through all the side tabs,” said Betancourt in a virtual interview. “I never thought I would be the one to discover such a significant piece of the fabric of history.” Betancourt was often sidetracked by his dog, who was visible throughout the Zoom call running around and jumping onto his unmade bed and a pile of dirty laundry.

Betancourt’s brilliant discovery has been confirmed to be “one of the most important in recent years” by his classmates. According to a

U

Zoom poll, approximately 94 percent of the class had no idea about the assignment whatsoever, and exactly 87 percent of the class agreed that the assignment would impact their grades. The assignment, which is due tonight at 11:59 PM PST and worth 75 percent of the grade, has since made waves in the field of Academic Integrity.

After Betancourt published the discovery in the class Discord server, other signs that were previously attributed to different homework assignments were put under reconsideration. Earlier in the quarter, Professor Dick Higgins wrote about the assignment in a Piazza post linked to a schedule linked to a Google Calendar linked to a banana JPEG on the class website. However, the post was ignored by students, who turned off all notifications and never checked Piazza or their emails after the 19th consecutive post asking for a curve.

Another student, Nicole

Peterson, has since come forward claiming that she made the discovery first. She maintains that her TA mentioned the assignment in passing during discussion, which she “admittedly attended with [her] mic and camera off,” but her connection dropped at that exact moment and she decided not to follow up, citing “Zoom fatigue.”

Professor Higgins informed reporters that the assignment was written in bold, red, size 24 Comic Sans font at the very top of the syllabus. “You really couldn’t miss it if you tried,” he wept, wringing his hands.

New research shows that the syllabus could be found in an untitled folder under the My Media tab, if one scrolled to the bottom and clicked on the fifth link.

Dr. Grace Kinnowin, a cultural anthropologist at Redwood University, has been studying the increase in missing, hidden, or otherwise unknown homework assignments for “seemingly decades,” since March 2020.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “We are still researching how and why unprecedented remote learning has led to such an unprecedented increase in cases in these unprecedented times,” said Dr. Kinnowin.

Some researchers in her lab have put forward a highly controversial hypothesis: The missing assignments may be linked to the increase in students who say “Oh, lecture’s recorded; I can watch it later.”

Betancourt cites many famous historical figures, including Marco Polo, Ferdinand Magellan, and Dora the Explorer, as inspiration for his lifelong passion for discovery.

He hopes to foster his love of anthropology by adding a Computer Science minor to his Molecular and Cell Biology major. Students in the MMW 11 class are continuing their archeological dig to find a second hidden homework assignment, which mysteriously vanished from Modules earlier this quarter. The assignment's existence was confirmed by Professor Higgins in lecture yesterday afternoon.

10. Unlock repressed childhood trauma 9. Put on a sweater fresh from the dryer 8. Consume the elusive 3% milk 7. Push every door marked “pull” 6. Drink two 5-hour Energies, take one dose of Nyquil, and get the flu shot 5. Start listening to only Slavic hard bass 4. Call (415) 419-7123 3. Take your meds as prescribed 2. Read the 63rd word of the ninth article of our last issue 1. Take the elevator

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November 4, 2020

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Zoom Backgrounds Now More Important Than Fashion Sense

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Casando said, “I haven't left my house in months. I wouldn’t be caught dead without my zoom background!”

BY PILAN SCRUGGS

A

Staff Writer

s the COVID-19 pandemic continues to mandate the daily use of Zoom for online classes, users everywhere are realizing that, as one UCSD student claimed, “what others see in your Zoom background matters way more than anything else on the screen, even clothing.” Over the past seven months, sales have increased for sweatpants and decreased for dress shirts. Individuals working from home have also invested an increasing amount of time and money towards home renovation and reorganizing specific areas into Zoom-designated zones.

“When everything transitioned to remote, I thought it was okay since I normally show up for classes wearing pajamas,” explained second-year UCSD student Chris Lei. “However, after one class where I got ridiculed in the chat because people could see dirty clothes strewn

across my furniture, I realized something had to change.

That was Spring and now for the Fall I’ve completely redone my setup. By that, I just mean I’ve tilted my laptop screen further back.”

Lei admitted that he feels especially vulnerable turning on his camera in Zoom, citing a fear of standing out. “I and probably many other people grew up being encouraged to stand out, but things could not be farther from the truth these days,” Lei said. “All of a sudden, I have so many worries that I’d considered trivial last year, like is it okay if the wall behind me isn’t white?

Would a bookcase there make me look more studious? Is it bad if others can see my mini-bar in the frame?”

Such concerns have led many users to use virtual backgrounds for their Zoom calls instead. However, Holly Casando, a UCSD graduate student, said that she does not follow this practice because she fears the message that it sends. “When I see other

students in front of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Taj Mahal, or whatever, I just can’t help but think that they are super embarrassed about their real surroundings,” she admitted. “It makes me afraid that I’ll be judged if I opt for the Himalayas or something less embarrassing than my actual surroundings: wallpaper with ducklings that I’ve had since I was six.”

Casando isn’t alone. In addition to the increased traffic at home improvement websites, statistics also demonstrate that websites supplying directions on how to treat injuries sustained around the house are more frequently perused. When asked for comment about this trend, Casando said for her, renovation was “worthwhile quarantine exercise.”

Casando explained, “I nearly destroyed my back shoving around furniture at the start of this remote learning nonsense,” said Cansado, “but it was worth it to keep my more personal stuff away

from prying eyes. Being on Zoom is just so uncomfortable, knowing that most people aren’t even listening to the professors, and instead are watching the other video feeds — waiting for a cat butt, or reading what’s in someone’s bookcase, or looking at a person who’s clearly watching Netflix on another tab. It’s a complete invasion of privacy that makes me wish I lived in North Korea.

At least they don’t have the coronavirus anymore.”

Casando pointed to her new plants that she purchased to decorate her room. “It’s nice having plant life, but it feels artificial since I really only got it for Zoom,” she said. “You can’t look too pathetic, but at the same time you can’t look too extravagant either. There’s some unspoken sweet spot that everyone is aiming for.

And right now I’m trying to decide whether it would be pathetic to hang up an old bedsheet to hide that embarrassing wallpaper.”

LOCAL FRIENDSHIP ECOSYSTEM ENDANGERED BY OVERFISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS

LEFTIST SUFFERS BRAIN DAMAGE SEEING "MORE LIB SHIT ON TWITTER"

BRIEF NEW WORLD "WORLD’S BEST TOM & JERRY’S ICE GRANDMA" CARD CREAM INTRODUCES WRITTEN IN 2007 STILL NEW FLAVOR: CHEESE HOLDS UP The beloved ice cream In 2007, Meghan Cax, who was six years old at the time, wrote a card for her Grandmother, Beverly Cax. It read “You are the bestest bestest best grandma in the world.

I luv it wen you play with me and reed me books and mussaje my back.”

The card was leaked to the public and immediately received scathing backlash, with one reporter writing, “Cax is making brash claims with absolutely no empirical evidence to back it up. Despite what she may tell you, there is no agreement among the scientific community on who the objectively ‘bestest bestest best’ grandmother is.”

However, after 13 years of interviews and observational studies, researchers across the country have reached a consensus with Cax’s original hypothesis: Beverly Cax is in fact the best grandmother in the world. Researchers conducted experiments where Cax and other grandmothers played games, read books, and gave massages. After the experiments, the 75 researchers from the international panel unanimously agreed that Beverly Cax deserved the title.

During an interview about the findings, Meghan Cax simply stated, “I knew it.”

Cax had to leave the interview early in order to make it on time to her grandmother’s house for their weekly Diet Coke and Popcorn Party.

brand Tom & Jerry’s, based off the cartoon series by MetroGoldwyn-Mayer, recently introduced a series of bold new flavors. Ice cream lovers who enjoyed their classic flavors, including Chocolate Mous(s)e, Marshmeowlow Fudge, and Banana, can now explore new flavors.

The launch featured one particularly distinguished flavor: Cheese.

The flavor pays homage to the iconic mouse Jerry, who famously loves eating deliciously shaped yellow blocks of cheese in the animated series. The carton claims Cheese is the perfect ice cream to place in a cartoon mouse trap.

This bold flavor has critics raving. Ice cream critic Jacques Roquefort called Tom & Jerry’s Cheese “a masterpiece.” Others were confused, as what they purchased in-stores was different than advertised.

One disappointed customer reportedly had to go to the emergency room after his body swelled and transformed into a giant block of cheese in what doctors called a “freak allergic reaction.”

Tom & Jerry’s declined requests for further comment, despite dozens of others coming forward with cartoonish symptoms. These reports aren’t deterring diehard ice cream fans from trying Cheese, however.

After trying the flavor at a Tom & Jerry’s ice cream shop, a customer was heard telling their partner, “Hole-y shit, that’s good!”

Tensions between best friends Lacey Clegg and Katrina Hernandez reached a boiling point this Sunday after Clegg failed to respond to Hernandez’s comment about how annoying she was being.

Clegg went on to explain how their friendship waned: “It wasn’t too bad at first. Just a couple of extra minutes focusing on her problems that ate into my designated complaining. Then, it was the constant interruptions that somehow turned the conversation topic back to her.

Sometimes she would give me a compliment, just so I’d give her one back. But recently it’s gotten a lot worse. After almost every sentence, Katrina manages to fit in a selfdeprecating little aside that I feel compelled to refute.”

When asked if she was going to terminate the friendship, Clegg gave an emphatic refusal. “I don’t know how to make friends anymore, now that there’s no driving force behind my daily interactions.

It’s honestly too much effort to try to find new people to bond with, and I’d rather face constant annoyance and a fractured friendship than be alone. Besides, I don’t exactly have a good personality, so my options are limited.” Clegg paused, looking expectant.

Twitter user @GayRevolverOcelot tweeted that they committed themselves to the local clinic, claiming they suffered brain damage from “all the libshit [they] saw on Twitter.”

Through a series of interconnected tweets written by them, @GayRevolverOcelot was wheeled into the medical ward, yelling, “No, I don’t care about Obama you stupid libs!” before a scan was run on their brain. To medical experts' surprise, the test results run on the brain scan showed an anomaly on @GayRevolverOcelot’s frontal lobe. When asked for a comment, Dr. Ruiz stated, “We ran the test as a gag, just to get this lefty to shut up for once, but to our surprise, there was something there: an implant. Upon further investigation we realized it was an electronic device created by the Lincoln Project.”

Dr. Ruiz went on to explain that the device was equipped with a chemical that flooded @GayRevolverOcelot’s brain with “nonsensical issues and advocations for the chance that white supremacists should be able to speak too.”

Dr. Ruiz continued, saying: “These ideas flooding @GayRevolverOcelot’s brain were alarming to them, which is the reason they brought themselves to the hospital.”

The origin of these implants can be traced back to a tweet by the Lincoln Project stating, “Retweet this if racism was more awesome when we in the ol' GOP did it!”

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The MQ’s Scariest Movies of 2020

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November 4, 2020

The MQ Writes an Essay Emily Queue LING 146B

Deconstructing Subversio ns of Modern Complexiti es: A Simple Thesis In its most nascent, uninte

subversion of modern com

intelligence. But why? Sc

rrupted state of completed

existence, the er as a prime indicator of

plexity is never sought aft

holars analyzing recorded texts and other such iconoclastic accouterments fai l to comprehend the quixot ic nature inherent within a recorded medium relative to its value as a statement , especially when regarding the extensive and mu ltifaceted measures within a given text. In essence, the quintessential effort of the modern scholar is to inhabit the very same complexity in their writin g that fuels the creation of their own subversions.

The subversions, consequen tly form the narrative wh ich distincts itself as something labele d “other,” is distinguishable , but remaining familiar enough to garner some glim mer of cognizance in the familiar — the mirror image of what is warped end ures still as a deviation fro m the original. The obsequience of the readers the refore becomes an active participant in the overall okay I don’t have to write anything anymore. This is so tiring to write, but I need to sound intelligent enough in the first two to three sentences in the firs t two paragraphs in order to seem like I have a goo d grasp on the situation, plus the opening sentences of the other paragraphs, and probably the whole conclu sion. This shitty essay pap er is worth 40% of my gra de. Why did you do this, big whiz? I’m suffering her e. God, I’m so lonely. Howe ver, some aspects remain unsupported by the eviden ce provided above, and the real-world implications of this argument are unc lear.

This anachronistic approa ch must in turn be seen as a reviled obfuscation of the truth, intended to indoctrinate lesser sch olars into believing antiquated norms of past failur es, still considered by som e to be viable analyses.

After analysing authorial intent, we can conclude wit h some degree of certainty , once personal biased and fallacious prejudices are accounted for, but what comes to be that this claim can be considered true? Th at’s done there. Do you ever think about your place in the world? As I was sta ring at the horrible words that my hands seemed to be typing on their own, I realized how futile life wa s.

Why must the good (me) suffer? A point of conten tion among many reputed sources insists on contrasti ng the aforementioned “co mpleted existence,” which must, of course, be rescin ded upon as a bastion of tru th, in so much as truth can be considered less than rel ative dependant on a singul ar situation.