Family Corner

Intergenerational relationships

When I was a kid I watched my friend’s relationships with their grandparents and was more than a little envious of the closeness I saw. Both my grandfather’s had died before I was born, my Nana lived out of town and died when I was seven and my remaining Grandma was lovely but very posh (think Remuera, purple hair and pearls) and didn’t get on with Dad, so we only really saw her at Christmas. I could feel I was missing out on something important.

There’s no denying that relationships between grandparents and grandchildren can enrich the lives of both generations, and we are lucky that with free video calls (via the internet) to the other side of the world, these days grandparents don’t have to live close by to be a regular presence in the lives of their grandchildren. I’ve heard of a few grandparents who even help out with their grandkids via video call, occupying them with books and stories and games to give Mum or Dad a chance to get dinner on. But while some families have easy inter-generational relationships that are healthy and work well for everyone, others can find it difficult to negotiate mutually acceptable boundaries and relationships can become strained.

Jenny Hale, Senior Family Coach at Parenting Place, says that when difficulties occur, considering the situation from each other’s perspective can be a useful tool in finding solutions that enhance your intergenerational relationships.

She says common responses from grandparents surveyed about involvement with extended family include that they appreciate it when their children realise they have commitments that are important to them so they can’t always be available to help with the grandkids at no notice. They value manners and so while they appreciate modern parenting may be different to what they are used to, they still like to hear please and thank you from their grandchildren, and while they may have a different style when caring for your kids they will always look after them and love them. AND that they love being invited to special events such as birthdays and school concerts.

From the parents’ perspective, common responses included that they love grandparents spending special time with their kids, especially when they pass on life skills such as knitting, cooking and playing chess. They appreciate it when grandparents take the time to learn about their grandchildren’s lives so they can engage and converse with them in meaningful ways. That they appreciate it when their parents can sometimes listen to troubles without necessarily giving advice and it is important they understand that when it comes to the kids, the parents are the final authority.

These are just few potential sticking points you could consider when aiming to maintain strong intergenerational connections that benefit the well-being of the entire family.

Claire Nevans | Editor For more information, check out www.parentingplace.nz

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