1 April 2019

UNIVERISTY OF MANITOBA PROPOGANDA DEPARTMENT NEWS

Cashing in on callouts

Bands make bank over BDS brouhaha PAGE 3

NEWS

Power to the pups Putting the Paw on Politics PAGE 6

VO L 1 0 5 · N O 2 9 · A P R I L 1 , 2 0 1 9 · W W W.T H E M A N I TO B A N .CO M

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Index

VOL. 105 NO. 29 April 1, 2019

SPORTS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Dwight Edwards

Buffalo brouhaha

BUSINESS MANAGER Nosh Patipia ADVERTISING COORDINATOR Lydia Buntingbury

Brawl breaks out at Buffalos game

EDITORIAL

PAGE 15

NEWS EDITOR Laklin Hershey

MANAGING EDITOR Mac Hershey

COMMENT EDITOR Legal Beagle ARTS AND CULTURE EDITOR Flo Ridaman SPORTS EDITOR Daniel Snipincelly COPY EDITOR Cedric Schaeffer ASSOCIATE COPY EDITOR Lars Von Dippendale

NEWS

And theology makes three Dean overtakes yet another faculty PAGE 4

DESIGN

DESIGN EDITOR Page Turner GRAPHICS EDITOR Antonio Biagi PHOTO EDITOR

Obediah Beauregard III

quincy@themanitoban.com

PHOTO ASSOCIATE John Smith DESIGN ASSOCIATE Eduardo Babbington GRAPHICS ASSOCIATE Walton Brimley

REPORTERS

NEWS Timothy Bass COLUMNIST Yakob Yanukovych COLUMNIST Anita Career ARTS Volf Mandewalt ARTS Bjorn Ajoak SPORTS Sam Dunken

VOLUNTEER CONTRIBUTORS

Merv Berkley Hans Moleman Sara Duran Matt Daring

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Defeating round lies

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News News Editor: Laklin Hershey

Local bands make bank by calling out UMSA policies Criticizing regime lauded as easy way to pay the bills CHERYL LISCHNEK, STAFF

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ocal artists have found a new way to make some money between gigs — threatening to call out the UMSA for its concerning stance on human rights issues.

After the UMSA decided to publicly condemn the Federation of Canadians for its general support of human rights, local band the Golden Bois threatened to publicly critique UMSA’s decision at the association’s annual Two-Thirds of The Year Is Finished Fest.

Golden Bois bandleader Mai Gadden said he received a deposit from UMSA immediately after the conversation, with a note telling the band to stay home.

“I mean, that’s rent taken care of, I guess,” Gadden said.

According to Gadden, word of UMSA’s willingness to pay up spread across the local band scene, and now groups from all over the city are cashing in.

Brian Bowllister, bassist for death metal outfit Confuzion Corner, said when the band heard UMSA was

writing cheques to keep its festivals fun and conflict-free, they jumped on the opportunity.

“I mean, that’s rent taken care of, I guess” — Mai Gadden, bandleader, Golden Bois “No one asks us to play university events for some reason, but it turns out, that doesn’t even matter,” Bowllister said.

“You can sort of just show up. We told UMSA we were going to call them out in the line to buy bus passes, and they PayPal’d us 40 bucks.”

UMSA president Jeremy Coupe said the payments were worth it because UMSA-hosted festivals were not the place for people to express their opinions.

“If people have concerns about UMSA’s decision to condemn support for human rights issues, they’re free to express that opinion,” he said.

“But not at a fun event like a festival. More like, to me, in my office, with all the doors and windows closed. Generally, just wherever I decide is the best place to express an opinion. But definitely not in a public place.”

Some bands have even branched out into critiquing other stances UMSA has taken for spare cash.

One such group, This Band Name is a Propagandhi Reference, said they had “cracked the code” in a statement on its Facebook page.

“All you have to do is threaten to speak in public about something UMSA has spoken about in public,” the band said in the statement.

“It doesn’t have to be political. It can be anything. We just went to the Hub and said ‘Open educational resources’ really loud, and Coupe threw a roll of $20s at us.”

GRAPHIC BY ANTONIO BIAGI

Peer tutoring app shut down after becoming ‘Tinder for nerds’ Students turn academic assistance into party pad SARA DURAN, GNOME

U

MSA’s peer tutoring app has creep Frank Hadden lamented the people realize they’re not going to been shut down mere weeks end of the peer tutoring app, saying pass their midterms either way, peoafter being released after the plat- it was a great way to harass people ple get, uh, wild.” form immediately devolved into what near him.

Coupe said students looking to could only be described as “Tinder When asked if these attempts get freaky should only do so after purfor nerds.” were ever successful, Hadden began chasing a ticket to one of the UMSA’s U of M student Erin Gruwell to cry. many festivals and Hub nights. said despite making it through the Not all students have been so Gruwell said she was actually disapplication process to become a unsuccessful, however. appointed UMSA was shutting down tutor — sending the app. one email — she “I was really “Turns out, when a bunch of young people was immediately enjoying working inundated with on some statistics realize they’re not going to pass their peers looking to of my own,” she midterms either way, people get, uh, learn the language said. of love.

“The statistic of wild” — Jeremy Coupe , UMSA president “I put up there like […] like, the that I was qualiratio of like, peof ied to teach ple who would UMSA president Jeremy Coupe totally get tutored by me. Does that STAT 1000, because I took STAT 1000,” she said. said traffic for the peer tutoring app make sense? Is this joke landing?”

“Two minutes later, I got a mes- surged right around midterms, and Students looking to receive acasage from a student in STAT 1000. not because students were looking demic assistance can visit the univerIt said ‘Wyd?’ And I was like, ‘I’m for some last-minute tutelage. sity’s tutoring centre, which is free of doing STAT 1000.’ Then they said “The nihilism on campus hit an charge to visit and will almost never something I won’t repeat here.” all-time high,” Coupe said. result in an unsolicited invitation to Potential tutee and all-around “Turns out, when a bunch of young 404 and Main.

MATH2

NIGHT?

Huntress Thompson on the

dark!!!!!!!!!! twisted!!!!!!

!!

INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM!! ! ! ! !

GRAPHIC BY ANTONIO BIAGI

death of student journalism.

On this week’s edition of Buffalo Banter.

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News

News Editor: Laklin Hershey

Engineering dean adds another protectorate to empire Faculty of theology to see increased “industry partnerships”

Referendum underway after U of M admin shoves UMSA prez in locker If passed, student association will no longer be part of the U of M

ANTONIO BIAGI, STAFF

HANS MOLEMAN, STAFF

PHOTO BY OBEDIAH BEAUREGARD III

PHOTO BY JOHN SMITH

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n a move touted by U of M administration for its “exemplary, Borg-like eff iciency,” Jameson Beetlebutt, currently dean of both the faculty of engineering and the faculty of architecture, has accepted a new appointment as dean of the faculty of theology.

Beetlebutt highlighted the “strategic significance” of what he referred to as “engineering’s latest acquisition,” adding that it “in no way resembled a hostile takeover.”

Beetlebutt was previously appointed dean of the faculty of architecture while still holding his job as dean of the faculty of engineering in a move hailed as “totally normal” by university administration.

Said one student in the faculty of theology, “Wait, what? Seriously?”

When asked about the intellectual validity of assimilating fields of knowledge that have been separate from engineering for thousands of years, Beetlebutt noted that crit-

ics “said the same thing about the faculty of architecture […] but efficiency is up 200 per cent there since we chained those turtleneckwearing effetes to their 3D printers.”

“We look forward to consensually collaborating in non-exploitive ways with our new partners in theology on AI research,” he said.

Angela Churchmouse, head of the U of M Faculty Fellowship, offered support for Beetlebutt’s appointment.

“Although we lost theology to the unholy administration-engineering axis, we at least managed to burn down the granaries before evacuating,” she said. “The line holds at fine arts.”

As of press time, reports that the chapel in St. John’s had been converted to storage, for what one theology student who requested anonymity called “hell-forged battlebots from mechanical engineering,” could not be confirmed.

T

he U of M student association Coupe said.

Should the referendum pass, (UMSA) has voted to begin “He also called me a nerd and UMSA members will no longer the separation process from the U then dabbed. Who does that? qualify as U of M students. of M after a member of university Dabbing, in 2019?”

“Ideally, what will happen is we’ll administration allegedly shoved The admin member can not be have this referendum, it’ll pass and UMSA president Jeremy Coupe named because, when we asked for then we’ll have another refereninto a locker. identifying information, he told the dum to join some other university,” Coupe said he recommended Ivory Buffalo to refer to “Seymour Coupe said. the association begin the refer- Butts” and flicked the news editor The executive is currently in the endum process after a university on the forehead. process of collecting signatures admin member snuck up behind “That Coupe’s always telling us from the student body in support him in the nursing building and what to do,” the admin member of separating from the U of M. Coupe “dunked [him] into a locker.” emphasized that “I distinctly remember a flash of “I was minding students would my own business, not miss out on tailored cotton in a muted shade” — shaking hands, services that the Jeremy Coupe , UMSA president signing first-year U of M provides foreheads on my post-referendum. way to my office,” “ Wit h t he Coupe said in an interview with said. money we’ll save by leaving the U the Ivory Buffalo.

“Like, ‘Oh, you guys should of M, we will be able to fund our “Next thing I know, someone make an effort to improve sustain- own educational services — frankly, swept me right off my Blundstones.” ability on campus,’ or ‘Oh, you guys better educational services,” he said.

Coupe said he attempted to should create disciplinary measures When asked how UMSA confront the admin member but, for profs who date their students.’ planned to provide academic by the time he had escaped the It’s like, ‘Whatever,’ you know?” resources to its members after they locker, they had sprinted into the The admin member refused were technically no longer students, parkade elevator. to comment further after being Coupe threatened to sick the “I distinctly remember a flash of asked about his relationship with Asper students on the Ivory Buffalo tailored cotton in a muted shade,” his father.

Facebook page.

VOL. 105 NO. 29 April 1, 2019

News

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UMSA to take academic integrity course after campaign found to be plagiarized

President says winning campaign has nothing to do with copying winning campaigns MATT DARING, GNOME

T

he recently-appointed UMSA giarism had occurred. problems university students face executive has agreed to take an “I’m just taking this academic on a year-to-year basis,” he said. academic integrity course after it integrity course because I want to,” “It’s my job to use non-threatenwas revealed that much of its cam- he said. ing colour schemes and sanitized platform promises to make sure paign had been plagiarized.

“We all really want to take it. So Concerns arose after it was that’s why we’re doing it.” these university students win their made apparent that the UMSA campaigns, so they can go on to Coupe then added that jealousy executive campaign, law school titled “UMSA… and eventually “It’s my job to use non-threatening colour become very But For You,” was using similar mate- schemes and sanitized platform promises to successful city rials and campaigncouncillors.” ing style to the make sure these university students win their Coupe said past three winning it was unfair to campaigns” — Harvey Boise, UWSA campa UMSA slate camattest his landign manager paigns “UMSA’s slide win to an Here For You,” expensive cam“UMSA’s Paying paign manager Attention to You” and “UMSA Is “is a disease,” and he hoped that his who passed down multiple generaWatching You.” “haters” would “get well soon.” tions of “in the know” executives.

UMSA president Jeremy Coupe The campaign manager in ques“I also wore the same outfit the argued that just because all of the tion, Harvey Boise, said he can not entire two weeks, so it was easier last four winning slates used the help it if he has a strategy that “wins for voters to recognize me,” he said. same campaign manager, who every time.”

“Why does nobody think about then used very similar templates “Look, it’s not my job to create that?” and strategies, it did not mean pla- campaigns that focus on the unique

Prof calls for relationship leniency MERV BERKLEY

A

lone professor is awkwardly speaking out after a recent review of the university’s policy on faculty-student relationships.

The review, conducted by university administration, ultimately ended up leading to two new guidelines, but not before a stammering, defensive presentation was given to the board of governors at their March meeting by philosophy professor Gene Bardel.

“I mean, who are we to judge?”

Bardel loudly asked members of the board of directors during an open

discussion period for the guidelines.

“That’s all I’m saying. There could be someone else in a relationship with a student, maybe. Or maybe not. I don’t know of any. I mean, I’m not saying definitively, I don’t know of any, but I’m not officially announcing any,” Bardel said, while while wiping sweat off his forehead.

“There could be very normal and responsible professors out there who we don’t want to impune. Let’s just not put everyone in the same basket is all I’m saying,” Bardel said before abruptly ending his speech.

GRAPHIC BY ANTONIO BIAGI

UMSA paves way for tunnel fast lanes Move follows catastrophic pile-up in UC last week LUTHOR ROBINSON

UMSA motion for motionlessness MERV BERKLEY

Student activists are calling on the university to implement a new Reading Year as a means of coping with the stress associated with student life.

A motion was passed at last week’s University of Mantioba Student Association (UMSA) meeting, adopting the call for a Reading Year as an UMSA position.

Katherine Tygburt proposed the motion after she said she had an emotional breakdown from dealing with her workload last semester.

“Classes. Work. Homework.

Labs. It was just too much. I needed a break,” Tygburt said. “We got to reading week, and it really gave me an opportunity to rest and recuperate. But not nearly enough. That’s where the idea came from.”

UMSA president Jeremy Coupe said he was skeptical of the motion at first, but that support from the student population had been clear.

“My first thought was just, ‘Well, then we just wouldn’t have school for a year. There’d be more classes.

No assignments. No credits.’ But that actually seems to be a strong selling point for students.”

Coupe said the next step will be for UMSA to present the proposal to the university’s board of directors for consideration.

“Faculty members have signalled their interest in this as well,” Coupe said.

“At the end of the day, no one wants to be here, and we’re going to build an advocacy coalition around that.”

PHOTO BY JOHN SMITH

U

MSA acted quickly to establish a series of fast lanes after a vicious 37-person pile-up in UMSA University Centre (UC) left seven undergrad and three graduate students with severe, but stable, confusion last week.

“It was chaos,” said Cornwallis Whalbarrol. “It was just an awful mess of coffee and juice and Uggs and calves. The horror.”

A crash reconstruction team has yet to determine the cause of the accident but witness reports suggest a distressed master’s student rearended a column of five first-year

students deep into their cell phones at the corner of the pharmacy and UC. The section of hallway was closed for several hours for tidy up, which required three mop sets, a broom and two bags of sawdust to make the space passable again.

In response, UMSA convened an emergency meeting and passed a motion to immediately establish a set of lanes that will run the entirety of the underground tunnel system.

“Enough is enough,” said president Jeremy Coupe. “Students are

getting hurt. And, more, students are being made late when the narrow hallways are jammed up with rubberneckers, slowpokes and phonecheckers.”

Two centre lanes, one heading in each direction, will be reserved for brisk walking. Two lanes toward the edges will be set aside for standard pace.

Anyone clocked moving slower than 4.8 kilometres per hour will be ticketed. Four offences in a term will be punishable with an hour in the stocks that are already under construction in the quad.

TED WERD Likes croutons and midnight runs

Ted came up hard. Street.

A veteran of the Northwestern Ontario street punk scene, he has been an activist for full citizenship rights for pitbulls for more than a decade.

A founding member of radical activist organization FreeBullin, Ted was instrumental in organizing the mass break-out of more than 200 dogs from captivity in 2017 before fleeing to Manitoba.

Ted stands for free dogs, a free press and co-operative production.

It’s time to bite the hand that feeds.

PEPPER ONI Enjoys sun bathing and mid-day chick peas

Pepper knew leadership was her destiny when she was brought onto the world via immaculate conception.

Even as a pup, she knew where she stood — puppycare for all, better regulation of dog food and a warm bed for every man, woman and child.

Pepper takes a hard centrist role on the big issues — she wants to bolster the puppy economy to give more dogs more jobs, but also works toward kennel abolition.

Capitalism is ruff but your life doesn’t have to be.

VOTE @themanitoban on April 1, 2019 The

GOODEST PUP

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Editorial Editor-In-Chief: Dwight Edwards

The lunacy of round earthers needs to be fought Media distorts the truth and the UN is our only hope YAKOB YANUKOVYCH

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n today’s political climate of fake ing is just a “theory.” news and hoaxes perpetrated by It becomes hard not to lose faith liberals and China, one fake con- in our fellow man when we see disspiracy stands out above all the rest: couraging statistics like this. The the growing belief in “round earth.” end result is exactly what the liberals This hoax is being executed by the want: fear, division and more power exact same liberal media who brought for themselves. the rise of fake news: namely far-left But sanity will win in the end. outlets like BBC, It is important Forbes, The Daily to remember that Wire and Alex the United Nations Sanity will win Jones of Infowars. will eventually in the end Unfortunately, bring that sanity these hoaxes are back to Canada, becoming more and the rest of the and more common in a public full of globe. The Flat Earth Society and gullible sheeple. Due to misinforma- United Nations are closely related in tion campaigns by these leftist outlets, their logos, which demonstrate the a striking majority — 66 per cent — clear conscious understanding that of millennials now believe the world the earth is indeed flat. is round.

Until the day that sanity is And this trend goes along with returned to the cult that is the “round other junk research like so-called earth” movement, our society is desvaccine science, with only a third of tined to be controlled by those with Canadians believing the science isn’t the fewest facts, rather than patriots clear. In the same vein, only a fifth of who stand for the truth.

Canadians believe that global warm-

VOTE for PALLISTER-BABY

“It’s becoming a race war and I don’t want that”

GRAPHIC BY ANTONIO BIAGI

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Comment

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Comment Editor: Legal Beagle Contact: comment@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Address from the association’s chairman It is possible to simulate homelessness on campus JEREMY COUPE, UMSA CHAIRMAN

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omelessness means sleeping outside, and I should be celebrated for accomplishing such a feat.

Recently, several union members and I finished our oath to sleep outside to simulate homelessness for 3 days. The campaign is called 3 Days for the Homeless. We did so to raise awareness of homelessness in our city.

Some in the community have said ness without the theatre we put on. feeling” of being homeless. is also an important line on many horrific things about my campaign Buddy, there is literally no other Our 3 Days for the Homeless students’ CVs. to simulate homelessness. For one, way people can become aware of campaign also promotes awareness The entire campaign is organthey say the whole display is an exer- the existence of homelessness. What of homelessness among the youth. ized by the Future Capitalists’ cise in self-congratulation. That is other ways can we raise money? You Obviously, we are young and so by Association (FCA). Nothing looks ridiculous. We do not congratulate say, “Fundraisers that don’t involve seeing us simulate homelessness you better than some charity work for ourselves, we get congratulated by sleeping outdoors?” You mean we realize young people can be home- a member of the FCA. It acts as a others. less too. strong protection against accusations should just have a social?

Apparently, As a past U of of not supporting social programs.

M simulator said Charity is morally superior to govdressing like a I have yet to see any valid criticism in our competitor ernment programs and FCA’s suphomeless person and ask ing for newspaper, it’s hard port of the campaign goes a long way ever published about me, the money with a cardto connect with old in proving that. chairman, or my politburo board sign is offenhomeless people, I have yet to see any valid critiso it’s good we cism ever published about me, the sive because we have are raising money chairman, or my politburo. access to bathrooms, food, warmth, social networks and No. How else will people know and awareness for young homeless If you want to continue the disoffices to lounge in during the day. I that homelessness exists? people. cussion, my office hours are now do not understand this criticism. We Our grand 3 Days for the I was not appointed chairman of published in the Ivory Buffalo every are displaying homelessness, we are Homeless campaign happens this association so I could be ridi- week. You know where to find me. not actually homeless. across Canada. Many of my simu- culed for my actions. I was appointed People have argued you can raise lated homeless comrades have said chairman so I could put it on my awareness and money for homeless- it “humbles” students and gives “the CV. And 3 Days for the Homeless

KonMari your career The life-changing magic of tidying up your job ANITA CAREER, STAFF

your newly calibrated joy sensors to your career.

Marie Kondo’s KonMari method can even simplify your work.

Your job is cluttered by silly tasks which do not spark joy

Take each of your co-workers in your hands one by one. If you do not feel joy as you hold them and look at them, it is safe to throw them away.

While garbage bags worked well for your clothing, discarding disliked co-workers in a similar manner is actually a felony in Canada. Instead, stuff them into imaginary trashcans in the corners of your mind.

This will certainly spark joy.

Don’t like it? Don’t do it!

I

s your Tidying up With Marie Kondo Netflix marathon over? Do you have de-cluttering on the brain?

Join the club. By now you have probably whittled down your clothing, your books and perhaps even your friendships. It is time to apply

Start simple: Cutting back on your coworkers

The typical KonMari method starts with the most easily parsed category and it is no different when you KonMari your career. Start with your co-workers.

Your job may be cluttered by silly tasks, none of which spark joy.

Dislike emails? Don’t check them!

Hate meetings? Don’t go! Feeling irritated by customers? Pretend you don’t see them!

By discarding unwanted duties, you will become a vocational

minimalist.

Just imagine how happy you will be when the only things you have to do for money are joyful activities like gossiping with your work wife and playing solitaire.

De-cluttering your paycheque

Save this step for last. Your money is likely the most sentimental aspect of your job. While it is easy for you to part with your paycheck in return for things you want and need, such as food or puppies, it is a lot harder to more thoughtfully trim down your bank balance.

First, you will need to ensure all of your money is in one place. Gather each loonie, 20 and dime from your purses, pockets and bank account and

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pile them on your bed.

Unlike when you did this with your wardrobe, you will likely be shocked by how small this pile truly is.

Take each coin and bill in your hand one by one. Hold each to your chest and honestly ask yourself if it speaks to your heart.

If you are having a hard time, remember that this pile of filthy, smelly money is currently rubbing itself all over your duvet cover and should be promptly discarded.

If you have participated in this process effectively, you will have created a beautiful workspace for yourself occupied only by that which brings you joy.

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Diversions Graphics Editor: Antonio Biagi

PREVIOUSLY...

Home. Am I really back?

The bell rings...

Gasp

Phlox, thank goodness you’re here.

The beast---the trapper---the Shepherd’s bell...

...and transports me.

No.25

No time for that.

We have to reach my village.

It’s just past these trees.

How...?

It’s just past these trees.

It’s just past these tr-NO!

I’m too late...

PALLISTER-BABY doesn’t “do” jokes.

Gasp That’s my house!

you animals.

Phlox, if you’ve got any last tricks up your sleeve, now’s the time to use them.

You’ve showed me so much strength already.

SCOTT A. FORD #BOREALCOMIC CATCH UP ON BOREAL AT THEMANITOBAN.COM

...is just a little...

...bit more.

All I need...

I hope Because you can we’re charging run with into battle only three last time...one feet.

Arts & Culture

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Arts & Culture Editor: Flo Ridaman

Local author exerts right to free speech through novel

Finally, a book about a white male war hero BJORN AJOAK, STAFF

A

pril 1 marks the release of a new cated in 2017 police-reported hate political thriller titled Snowflakes crimes had increased by 47 per cent by local 65-year-old Dick Spence. with incidents targeting Muslim, Snowflakes is published by Alpha Jewish and black communities Publications, a new publishing house accounting for most of the national self-described as “the home of books increase. These increases were largely that scare all those liberal cucks out in Ontario and Quebec. there.”

“What these statistics fail to Alpha Publications is the first pub- account for is how much hate white lishing house in Spence’s two-decade men get for not being victims of these writing career to publish his work. crimes,” said Spence.

Snowflakes is a defiant piece about “I didn’t commit these crimes — a 39-year-old Special Forces vet, Jack why am I suddenly the bad guy? Isn’t Stream, who returns to an American judging me for being a white man just university to finish his degree. When as bad as what the KKK used to do an organization only known as “The to black people?”

Spence said the book was “purely Terrorists” takes over the school, the retired Delta Force captain must overcome suffering trauma and bear “Isn’t judging me for the mental weight of fighting against the Terrorists while being vilified by being a white man liberal media.

Rather than helping fight this bat- just as bad as what tle, the students are preoccupied with the KKK used to do fighting the battle against microto black people?” — aggressions they say Stream and his fellow white men perpetuate.

Dick Spence, author Spence said he drew on his experience in military re-enactment groups.

He is currently the founding member experience-based.” of the Brown Boots re-enactors.

“This is my third group,” said “Why would I have done any Spence. research for this book? I know eve“I had to leave previous groups over rything I need to know to write it,” disagreements. That really inspired he said. the book of how hostile the world is “I understand the experiences of to an independent white man in the hardship and trauma,” said Spence, modern world.” pulling up his sleeve to reveal BB Despite 2017 statistics showing gun bruises. that women comprised a mere 24 per Spence has written many books cent of sole protagonists, 27 per cent about his aforementioned hardships of major characters and 34 per cent of and trauma, but had all of them all speaking characters, Spence said rejected by various publication houses strong white male characters are on until Alpha Publications picked up the verge of disappearing.

Snowflakes.

Jack Stream is an independent, “This is my fourteenth book and self-sufficient modern man who the first to be professionally pubused to be the go-to hero in stories. lished,” said Spence.

This type of character, Spence said, “Alpha Publications has been so “has been reduced to either villains helpful. It’s such a privilege and or beta-male supporters in movies opportunity to work with them.” and TV.” Statistics Canada reports indi-

PHOTO BY OBEDIAH

Costa’s latest exhibit brings life into emptiness

Secret exhibit presents itself to those who recognize art VOLF MANDEWALT, ART CRITIC

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ondering upon a midnight dreary, while I made my way through this alley, I came upon Brianna Costa’s secret exhibit.

The exhibit is exclusive, the address kept secret, only divulged to select invitees or to those who have managed to piece together her clues — in fact, the exhibit does not even have a name.

Costa is a notoriously reclusive artist — when this critic approached her after the exhibition, she put on an air of confusion and even said something along the lines of “Wait, were you in my basement?” — a stunning piece of performance art to top off

the show.

The gallery is deserted, as it is only noon.

Each wall is a blank canvas, which is actually reminiscent of R aph a e l ’s four branches of knowledge, dripping with Costa’s subtle innuendos of Milanese wonder.

The elusive and ethereal touch of her white-colored brushstrokes were smeared everywhere on these four walls. It looked like nothing — but

therefore, it looked like everything.

The ingenious blankness of Costa’s exhibit allows for broad, varying

white-starched walls. No trace could one see of the poking and pinching of the earth by the doting fingers of prurient philosophers.

The galler y can be found if you know where to look. Costa’s exhibit is ironically advertised with a “For Lease” sign in the window — but with the sharp eye of an art critic, you can see this is no ordinary sign.

The clean lines and bold font are in keeping with the rest of Costa’s

The ingenious blankness of Costa’s exhibit allows for broad, varying interpretations of her work interpretations of her work.

An unpretentious form of beauty, which from general consensus is the most favored form of beauty, struck my eyes with every glance upon these

work, with the same colour pattern and use of white space. Only those with a keen artistic sense will be able to find this exhibit without an official invitation.

This exhibit is everything an art critic craves: secretive, elusive, lacking in pieces of art. When I received this invitation via encrypted email from a “Ima Loseur,” I was suspicious at first. I now know I had no

eason to be.

VOL. 105 NO. 29 April 1, 2019

Arts & Culture

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Manitoba’s best summer music festivals

Come get lit FLO RIDAMAN, STAFF

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ooking for things to do in the vicinity of Winnipeg this summer that involve sleeping outside, not showering and questionable decisions? Here’s a list of Manitoba’s hottest summer music festivals where you can get your groove on and lose some dignity.

Manitoba’s largest outdoor music Coldplay for a month. nied by the sound of screeching 18- to Beach, a man-made two inches of festival every year. You’re definitely Fake Hate typically attracts more 20-year-olds who don’t know how water and four inches of pee with a going to lose all your friends at some acoustic guitars than people. The to handle their substances. People great view of the mini-stage. Other point. The lineup’s been stuck in 2008 musical acts and days blend together wear either full-body animal onesies highlights include sitting in an outfor the past five years, but there’s usu- into one long, sunny, pot-filled haze. or just latex underwear with a bunch door living room and judging the ally three or four acts that get you to of glitter. people enjoying the music who aren’t leave your gong show of a campsite. Feelz (Aug 1-5) Most attendees own a crystal col- as hip as you.

Highlights include the naked mile Have you ever wanted to do lection and will tell you they love you run at the campat some point over Tweet Bird (Aug 22-25) Cunfederatefest (June 27-30) site and bumpthe weekend.

No security, no rules, no insurLooking for things to do in the vicinity Sex, beer and passing out in a lawn ing into your dad ance. This festival is held on the chair. If you didn’t get your stom- while you’re on Fish Pit (Aug private property of a kindly old man of Winnipeg this summer that involve 16-18) ach pumped, it’s not really CFest. acid and getting who loves to party. Volunteer for 20 sleeping outside, not showering Venture into a sea of white cowboy roped into a famThe long-run- minutes and have a beer and a pat hats, Cabela’s merch, chinstrap ily photo. You can ning annual hip- on the back. and questionable decisions? beards and cocaine mustaches. also go spend a lot ster convention Come dance the nights away with Enjoy set after set of pandering of money at the where music is a bunch of retirees and 20-some“working-class” country music or just Artisan Village eclectic and every- things to the sound of a lot of dudes check out that artist with that one hit on things to make you look like you ecstasy in a small rural French- one dresses the same in their effort to playing guitars and banjos. song you know. You won’t remember don’t care about material possessions. Canadian community? Now you can! be “different.”

This is probably the best place to much anyway.

The country prairie experience is very Fish Pit is the place to wear be the worst version of yourself.

Fake Hate (July 26-28) authentic — so authentic there is a trendy sweaters and flannel shirts in With this diverse list of festivals Granola Bro Fest (July 11-14) A bunch of indie softbois (used genuine risk of getting swept up in a 30 degrees Celsius weather — you (where a lot of the same local bands Over 70,000 people — includ- here as a gender neutral term) gather tornado. ’Tis the season, baby! may be sweating balls but you look play), hopefully you’ve found one that ing your weird high school English in a forest to gently sway to soft Party your long weekend away to cool as hell! tickles your fancy. teachers, frat bros, white people with indie rock. The lineup sounds like the soundtrack of whatever a bunch Come float in the “rapids” (which Have a great summer, be safe, but dreadlocks, your mom’s friends and your Spotify suggestions after exclu- of white dudes in their 30s with fancy is really a lazy, lazy river) on half- not too safe! children (unfortunately) — flock to sively listening to Sufjan Stevens and headphones are blasting accompa- deflated pool floaties or opt for Rug

‘Furry’ student group approved as UMSA community group Warm fuzzy feelings spread across U of M BJORN AJOAK, STAFF

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ew U of M student club UMFur and some even go as far as to identify fans exploring different parts of our UMFur will have to hold regular furry identity was equally valid. has officially been recognized as themselves as “otherkin” — that is, identity,” said Tigress while wearing town halls to decide where to allocate “We want to ensure that identities a community group by UMSA. not fully human. a buxom scarlet fursuit. the community group funding. ‘other than human’ are as valid and The new group is led by local furry There are sexual elements to UMSA president Jeremy Coupe Mesack’s vixen fursona, midnight empowered as everyone else,” he said.

Carey Mesack, who said UMFur this community blue anthropo“Species dysphoria is a real thing.” represented “our diverse furry for some memmorphic fox Iona Campus LGBTTQ* advocates community.” bers, but many Mink, is the could only be reached for comment “We want everyone to feel comfortable “We want everyone to feel com- members a re group’s official in unison. in their own skin, especially fortable in their own skin, especially just enthusiastic community repre“Are you fucking kidding me?” when that includes wearing a second- about animated sentative and will they said. when that includes wearing a secondary ary skin,” he said. characters. thus lead these skin” — Carey Mesack, UMFur president Members of the furry community, Jane Smith, town halls.

UMFur will be hosting an open referred to as “furries,” are people known to UMFur When asked event for the public on March 31 who are interested in cartoon animal as Red Tigress, why he believed at their club office, also known characters given human character- said the furry community is not said the furries are technically eligible UMFur had a right to community as the Den. All are welcome. istics. Some furries have “fursonas,” inherently sexual. for community funding. funding that could have gone to a character they become when they “Most of us don’t want to bang “UMFur technically meets the services for actual communities on put on an anthropomorphic fursuit, Tony the Tiger, we’re just animation student club requirements,” he said. campus, Mesack said he believed his

Sports

Sports Editor: Daniel Snipincelly Contact: sports@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

14

Honouring an ivory legend

Stetler’s number retired in emotional ceremony DANIEL SNIPINCELLY, STAFF

GRAPHIC BY ANTONIO BIAGI

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fter grinding his way through the minors, former Manitoba Ivory Buffalos forward Ry (Steltsy) Stetler had his achievements recognized.

In front of a sold-out crowd of 983, Stetler’s number 23 was raised to the rafters at UMSA Centre in South St. Vital. The act brought a long journey back to where it began.

“Feels great to be honoured like this,” Stetler said, fighting back tears.

“You grind away for so long, putting in the hours, hitting the gym, sacrificing so much, and to have it

payoff is so great.” week when the local minor teams think I can grow,” he said.

Following his final season with do not need the ice.

“We’ve got a good young team, the Ivory Buffalos, haven’t been doing Stetler signed too well this year “But you know we have a lot of character a one-year deal — except me perwith the Kenora sonally. But you in that room, a lot of grit and that will Miners of the know we have a help us out” — Ry (Steltsy) Stetler, Canadian Shield lot of character in Professional that room, a lot of former Ivory Buffalos forward Hockey League grit and that will (CSPHL). help us out.”

The CSPHL is “Yeah it was a tier three Canadian professional “It feels great to continue my pro- something we thought would be nice league that now plays only once a fessional journey somewhere where I to do,” Ivory Buffalos player-coach G.

(Willy) Williams said.

“I mean we had some better options, players that have made it to the show, but people remember him. Unless there’s a controversy or something people forget about us so raising his number was a good way to keep eyes on.

“Kid couldn’t skate but whatever, someone gave him a shot.”

Devil’s music no more Minor hockey team forced to choose more Jesus-friendly goal song SAM DUNCUS, STAFF

After concerns were raised during the club’s home opener, a town hall meeting was held to determine the fate of Anola’s new goal song — “Hell Yeah” by the band Rev Theory.

The song was popularized by the province’s top professional team during its first few seasons, and the Devils coach maintains the choice had pure intentions.

“It’s a rad song,” said Devils head coach John Luckifer.

“Plus, the pros got to use it and all we want if for the kids to feel just like their heroes.”

The mayor rejected the song

choice, citing the town’s top author“It is a concerted effort to turn chilThe three members of Anola’s will always have people on their feet. ity on the matter: God. dren to the devil,” Mary Stikupanus Satanist church could not be reached That song is positively — oh what do “It’s a little too dark of a song,” said said. for comment. kids say today — light?”

Anola mayor Joseph Christianson.

“Getting them to cheer and celThe Devils had to eventually Although the league is happy and “We know the decide on a new the Devils have a new goal song, not kids really want goal song. Every everyone involved with the team was “Sure it’s a song, but did they really need to be closer to time the team enthusiastic about the choice. the pros, but they scores this season, “I would rather not score goals this to pick one with that type of title?” — should really be “Take On Me” by season,” said Devils captain Ethan Joseph Christianson, mayor of Anola closer to God. A-ha will echo Satan.

Sure, it’s a song, throughout the “Silence is better than listening to but did they really arena. that song. The league will be hearing need to pick one with that type of ebrate while the devil’s music rings “It was a long process,” said from my father very soon.” title?” out in the community centre? Come Christianson.

Some members of the Anola town on, they aren’t even trying to be sub“But honestly, if you’ve ever been to council were not as diplomatic. versive anymore.” a social in Manitoba, “Take On Me”

VOL. 105 NO. 29 April 1, 2019

Sports

15

‘Everyone got punched in the face except me’ Fracas the main attraction at minor league game DANIEL SNIPINCELLY, STAFF

PHOTO BY OBEDIAH BEAUREGARD III

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ans showed up for a brawl and a hockey game broke out between long-time rivals the Manitoba Ivory Buffalos and Winnipeg United. Four unanswered goals from Quebecborn superstar E.T. Tremblay gave Manitoba all it needed in a 5-0 win over Winnipeg.

Em (Fourner) Fournier was the star of the show for the Ivory Buffalos though, as she was ejected from the game after helping spark a benchclearing brawl in the opening frame.

“You know what, Fourner knows how to get the job done,” Manitoba player-coach G. (Willy) Williams said.

“She knows how to get the team fired up and she was protecting our guys out there. That’s why she’s here, and she does it better than anyone.”

Fournier’s fight came following a high hit on Manitoba leading scorer Quincee (Hoozy) Howdayer. He left the game following the hit and did not return.

Tremblay got the game started

fight and were slapped with automatic marker on an empty net to seal the early in the first, spinning away Then the rough stuff happened. from a check in the corner and Howdayer entered the United one-game suspensions. Cohen also 5-0 win. feeding Malk (Mac) Aabus. Aabus zone and was clipped up high by received a misconduct — for a check “Really proud of how the guys dropped the puck back to Tremblay, Frank Cohen, sending his head into to the head — and a busted lip for played today,” Williams said. he curled around the right faceoff the glass. He remained down on the the trouble.

“Showed a lot of heart — a lot of dot and picked the corner on United ice for a few moments while Fournier “Well the wife’ll be happy,” character — and we got the result goaltender Edward Murphy for the jumped over the boards to take on the Paycheque said. we wanted.”

1-0 lead.

“Not about the When Williams was reminded “Ya know E.T. fight though — oh there are women on the Ivory “But the therapist keeps telling me is just so great eh?”

God not the fight. Buffalos, he launched into an expleHowdayer said.

She hates when tive-laden tirade and finished by sayto express my emotions, and I sure “The dude just I do that, calls it ing the club “uses the word ‘guys’ as a has the silkiest barbaric, sent me gender-neutral term.” as hell expressed them” — Jay (Red) mitts I’ve ever to therapy for it Jake (Singsy) Doubletown made Paycheque, Ivory Buffalos forward seen. Kind of and everything. 26 saves on the night to pick up his weird — doesn’t But the therapist fourth shutout of the season. After really talk to anykeeps telling me to the game, though, the win was the one — but boy can express my emo- last thing on his mind. he snipe.” offending Cohen. tions, and I sure as hell expressed “Nobody wanted to fight me,” he Tremblay refused to speak with At the same time, Jay (Red) them. Taught that pigeon a lesson.” said. anglophone media postgame.

Paycheque went after a Winnipeg Tremblay completed the hat trick “It’s bullshit. Everyone else got in Tremblay was not done there, player on the bench, pulling Robert with an end-to-end rush, roofing the on the donnybrook and that 10-ply picking up a head-man pass from Paulson through the gate to ignite puck on Murphy to give the Ivory tendy at the other end wouldn’t leave Sara (Dorz) Dorin at the Winnipeg a brawl.

Buffalos a 3-0 lead heading into the his crease. Everyone got punched in blue line. He entered the zone alone When the dust settled, Fournier, first intermission. the face except me.” and toe dragged Murphy out of posi- Paycheque and Paulson all received He added another in the second tion for the easy backhand tally. misconducts for leaving the bench to and Williams got the insurance

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