29 March 2017

IVORY BUFFALO THE

“There aren’t any hills”: World Cheese Rolling Association denies Regina for league expansion

Opinion: If I can pull myself up by my father’s bootstraps, so can you

WAG’s “Dank Memes” exhibit reminds non-millennials how old they really are

PC government introduces new legislation to ‘destroy the Rebel scum’

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Index

VOL. 103 NO. 28 March 29, 2017

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Craig Adolphe

editor@themanitoban.com / 474.8293

BUSINESS MANAGER Daniel Parys

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EDITORIAL

MANAGING EDITOR Lauren Siddall

me@themanitoban.com

NEWS EDITOR Garett Williams

news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

NEWS EDITOR Levi Garber

levi@themanitoban.com/ 474.6770

Editorial

Aaron Griffiths is the president we need for 2018

COMMENT EDITOR Shawn Garbutt

comment@themanitoban.com

SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY EDITOR Malak Abas

science@themanitoban.com

ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR Seamus Hamilton-Pattison

arts@themanitoban.com

SPORTS EDITOR Ryan Stelter

sports@themanitoban.com

COPY EDITOR Sarah Doran

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DESIGN

DESIGN EDITOR Bram Keast

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Science

GRAPHICS EDITOR Kelly Campbell

graphics@themanitoban.com

Idiot 8-year-old believes bake sale will somehow save rapidly declining whale population

PHOTO EDITOR Miguel Yetman

photo@themanitoban.com

DESIGN ASSOCIATE Kellie Huynh GRAPHICS ASSOCIATE Aldo Rios PHOTO ASSOCIATE Chantal Zdan PHOTO ASSOCIATE Star Roxas PHOTO ASSOCIATE Megan Colwell

REPORTERS

NEWS Osho Samuel Adetunji NEWS Diana Ubokudom COLUMNIST Jeremiah Kopp COLUMNIST Shaden Abusaleh ARTS & CULTURE Olivia Michalczuk ARTS & CULTURE Emelia Fournier SPORTS Kellen Taniguchi SPORTS Jason Pchajek COPY Joseph Gonzalez

VOLUNTEER CONTRIBUTORS

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News Editors: Dwight Edwards & Melanie Meyerstein

“We believe in freerange education”: Admin denies treating students like cash cows MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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he University of Manitoba’s administration is fighting back against accusations that they treat international students as “cash cows.”

The accusation has been levied by international students angry about the university’s policy on tuition fee differentials, which sees international student students regularly paying nearly 4 times more than domestic students in basic tuition fees.

However, the university’s administration insists that they don’t see their students as cash cows.

“If anything, we see them as more of a free-range poultry,” said vice-president student husbandry Ray Gowakaz. “During the day, they’re able to leave crammed classrooms and roam around the campus. And the meal plan does include a lot of corn.”

“Outside of being treated like people, that’s about as good as it gets.”

Manitoba Federation of Students international students’ representative Raez Mabarik said the university could be doing more to make international students feel respected on campus.

“The ultimate goal is to be treated like people,” Mabarik said. “Ideally we wouldn’t be

treated like any farm animals.”

Gowakaz said that moving towards treating international students like people was a critical part of the U of M’s current five-year strategic plan, but that in the meantime, he believes international students still have a great experience to look forward to.

“If anything, we see them as more of a free-range poultry” – Ray Gowakaz, U of M vice-president student husbandry “They have a great, peaceful student experience before they’re finally sent off and eaten alive in the job market,” Gowakaz said.

“For us that’s critical. We really do believe in ethical education.”

PHOTO BY ROCK STAR

University issues mass recall of arts students graduated between 1877-2016 MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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he University of Manitoba is issuing a large-scale recall of graduates from its faculty of arts.

The recall comes after several employers raised concerns about U of M arts graduates they’d hired having no discernable skill sets, and includes all students graduated between 1877 and 2016 from all departments within the faculty.

The university stressed that the recall was organized on a voluntary basis, but urged any employers who’ve hired arts students to return them to be exchanged for new graduates from other faculties and programs.

“Graduates from our various other faculties, professional and otherwise, were not affected.

Anyone who’s employed an

engineering or law student need not be worried,” reads a U of M press release.

University of Manitoba vicepresident academic Tandy Gunat said that the arts graduates aren’t a source of danger.

“We really want to reiterate, these graduates aren’t a hazard so long as they’re not put in a position to make decisions. It’s

just that they don’t work the way they’re supposed to,” Gunat said.

“We want to make sure employers have faith in our graduates.”

While Gunat said the university was reviewing the future of the faculty of arts, she denied they were looking at shutting it down altogether.

“We do still put a high value

on the arts. Right now we’re just looking at some changes. For example, we’ll be removing classes covering medieval literature from our class schedule and implementing a mandatory course on the basics of Microsoft Excel.”

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news

News Editors: Dwight Edwards & Melanie Meyerstein

Demolition of arts complex begins as U of M makes room for third engineering building MELANIE MEYERSTEIN, STAFF

GRAPHIC BY BIG MIG

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recking balls went to work tearing down a number of University of Manitoba buildings used primarily for faculty of arts classes and professorial offices early Tuesday morning.

The demolition of Fletcher Argue, Isbister, and parts of the

Tier building will make way for the U of M’s third – and largest – engineering complex, according to administration officials.

The U of M governing board unanimously approved the demolition during a lockeddoor, late-night emergency

meeting Friday while arts faculty members attended the English department’s annual slam poetry contest.

U of M publicity chief Jack Dalakanasis said it was high time the buildings be torn down and the faculty of engineering

be given a chance to shine at ment, which fueled speculation the university. that the philosophy department “This will give the university may not have been notified of a chance to put its best foot for- the impending demolition before ward with a faculty that actually wrecking balls began swinging matters to us,” Dalakanasis said Tuesday. in a phone interview.

Dalakanasis hinted that may Funding for the large new have been the case. complex to replace the arts build“Look, paying for tenured ings will be paid for, in full, by profs to continue teaching and the U of M’s Upfront and Central building a state-of-the-art engicapital campaign. neering complex at the same Arts Body Council (ABC) presi- time just isn’t practical with dent Zach Welding expressed the university’s current funding mixed emotions when asked model,” he said. about the destruction of the large “So yeah, we’re saving some block of structures. dollars here and spending some “ABC condemns in the stron- dollars there. At least we got all gest of terms the repeated dis- of the economics professors out respect university officials have in time.” shown arts and our buildings,” Welding told the Ivory Buffalo.

“We are, however, grateful the administration is finally taking care of Isbister’s extensive black mold problem,” he said.

Faculty of arts dean and professor of philosophy Bilas Engan could not be reached for com-

Degrees to offer in-class delivery MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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PHOTO BY ROCK STAR

egrees Restaurant is rolling ing from a beta version to a full out a new in-class food deliv- version this week. ery option at the University of Stephanie Hansleburg, a secManitoba. ond-year kinesiology and recreThe student union-owned ation student who’s used the beta restaurant is hoping to increase version of the app, said she’s had its revenue by tapping into the a great experience so far. coveted ‘hungry-in-class’ market.

“I love it,” said Hansleburg.

Degrees’ in-class delivery “It’s a great energy boost when system uses a free app called you’re just sitting in macro-ecoEasyDegreesy, through which nomics and you get a box full of students can specify their order poutine.” and the class they’d like it delivSome students on the ered to.

Bannatyne campus have already Jonas Nikartson, Degrees raised concerns about extended general manager, said the res- wait-times for delivery. taurant has received positive “Our bike courier system for feedback with the system’s trial the Bannatyne and inner city so far. campuses are definitely a little “People really seem to love slower than we were hoping for, the convenience. We’re reduc- but we’re working on improving ing wait-times in the restaurant that as well,” Nikartson said. and we’re filling a critical need.”

“Teachers have a bit of a problem with it,” he added. “They’ve raised concerns about soup spills and disruptions during classes, but we’re working with them to address that.”

Nikartson said the app is mov-

VOL. 103 NO. 28 March 29, 2017

news

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PC government introduces new legislation to ‘destroy the Rebel scum’ MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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n Friday, Brian Pallister’s PC government put forward new legislation meant to eradicate the Rebel Alliance in Manitoba.

The PC government has had a tense relationship with the rebels since coming into office in April 2016, but that relationship further deteriorated with the government’s new bill.

If passed, the bill will consolidate rebel bargaining units in a bid to increase efficiency in the bargaining process, end automatic certification for new rebel associations, and freeze wages in the Meridian sector.

The Rebel Alliance has joined a slew of provincial labour unions to voice opposition regarding recent legislation by the province.

“What we’re seeing is increasing opposition to this government’s agenda,” said Ali Gossun, president of the Manitoba Labour Association. “Pallister ran on protecting frontline services, and we’ve seen nothing but hits to frontline services in this sitting of the legislature.”

GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA

Web O’Hara, fighter pilot for the Rebel Alliance, also voiced concerns about the government’s priorities.

“The PCs are refusing to rule out closing emergency rooms, but we’re seeing trillions of credits earmarked for capital investment in this Death Star project,”

O’Hara said.

“And the worst part is, it’s a private-public partnership. The research has shown, time and time again, that this is a wasteful way to approach government projects. At the very least we should have public sector employees handling construc-

tion of this project.”

U of M political studies professor Nate Jargun said the government’s recent anti-rebel stance could be contributing to a decline in the government’s popularity.

“Recently, polls are showing a bit of a dip in support for the

PCs,” Jargun said. “Conflict with the rebels could definitely be contributing to that, but it’s likely not the only factor. Their prodark side stance has definitely alienated urban voters as well.”

Candidate in student election unveils bold platform to ‘represent all students’ MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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hird-year biology student Trevor Dewanachuk has laid out a bold platform in his campaign for president of the University of Manitoba’s Science Students’ Association (SSA).

In campaign materials including flyers and posters, his slate, Students Together, promised to “represent all students” if elected.

This has put the slate in stark contrast with their opponents, Students Assembled, who thus far have only promised to represent “most students.”

“A lot of people said we’d

alienate people with this prom- on issues,” and “address stu- calling Students Together’s four- really resonated with me. I’ve ise,” Dewanachuk said. “They dents’ concerns” without clari- point plan the most far-reaching been waiting for someone to said it was too platform seen ‘address issues,’” Tunizlup said. bold, too brave. in an SSA elec- “It’s great to see – great to have But I think it’s tion in recent something to believe in.”

“I didn’t actually know anyone on the impor t an t to memory.

Voting for the Science slate, but the message really resonated stand up for SecondStudents’ Association election what you believe with me. I’ve been waiting for someone year astron- takes place on April 1. in, and I really omy student to ‘address issues’” – Sarah Tunizlup, think it’s imporSarah Tunizlup tant that we do in said the platStudents Together slate volunteer fact represent all form inspired students.” her to volunDewanachuk also promised fying what services, issues, or teer for Students Together. that if elected his slate would concerns those would be.

“I didn’t actually know anyone also “improve services,” “work Political commentators are on the slate, but the message

Editorial

Aaron Griffiths is the president we need for 2018 THE IVORY BUFFALO EDITORIAL BOARD

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PHOTO STILL FROM INTERVIEW WITH THE IVORY BUFFALO

t’s been five years since Aaron His proposal to bring celebGriffiths was tragically disquali- rities like Lupe Fiasco and Sum fied in his bid for University of 41 to campus again, despite Manitoba Students’ Union openly disliking both – saying (UMSU) president. of Fiasco’s U of M performance, Griffiths ran alone under the “it was terrible, no one enjoyed slate name No More Tears. it” – can still be achieved. In fact, Unfortunately, many tears it would presumably be much were shed when the CRO ruled cheaper to book Lupe Fiasco and that the costs associated with Sum 41 now.

His plan for free karate lesrepairing accidental damage to a UMSU-owned painting should sons to address security conbe taken out of his campaign cerns on the Bannatyne campus budget, putting him over his limit is needed now more than ever.

“No one’s happy to go to this for the election and eliminating school. It’s the perennial worst him from the race.

Democracy was quashed that school in the country… We all day, and in the years since, no know we don’t have much future.”

With those words and a hefty one has run such an inspiring dose of Ron Swansonesque campaign.

Even without taking office, his charm, Griffiths inspired a genpromise to “finish the Hub, so eration of U of M students. Some of us saw him run in 2012 and people can drink” was kept.

are still at the “perennial worst school in the country,” others have only heard stories of his initial bid for the presidency, but all of us are ready for a political revolution. If he ran, students would come to him in droves, inspired by his message and martial arts ability.

Griffiths is the candidate we need to make UMSU great again.

For that reason, the Ivory Buffalo editorial board is offering its official endorsement for the still-11months-out 2018 UMSU general election.

Comment Editor: Gaston de Gorka

If I can pull myself up by my father’s bootstraps, so can you MAXIMILLIAN WALTER BENJAMIN THE THIRD

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igher tuition – can it be a good thing? I, Maximillian Walter Benjamin the Third, technically a duke and descendant of a long line of feudal lords hailing from northern England, say yes.

Listen – I know that higher tuition fees can really put a dent in the family fortune, amassed through decades of hard work shaking down the peasantry, stealing native land, and exploiting migrant or indentured laborers. But when we take into account that these higher tuition fees can pay for new buildings, like the one named after my grandfather, I think we really have to agree that we all love

buildings, and the extra cost is worth it.

Paying more money for education is also an incentive to work harder. For instance, because of tuition fees increasing, I have asked my father for a summer job supervising temporary foreign workers at his multinational corporation. If not for increased tuition fees, I would have certainly rather spent the summer on my stepmother’s yacht.

Several people have raised concerns about how the increases will affect poor students, international students, and student parents. However, I’ve never actually seen one

and remain skeptical of their existence. After all, in my personal and universal experience, students are one of the most privileged segments of the population.

If there are any students worried that higher tuition fees will affect their ability to afford school, my father needs the chimneys in several of his summer homes swept, and is willing to pay the legal minimum wage to hire any one of you to do it. If I can pay for my tuition through a summer job with my father, I don't see why everyone else can't do it too! You’re welcome.

GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA

Buffalo Babble

Students get their say on the issues of the day

The provincial government is adopting new legislation that’ll allow universities to increase tuition at five per cent above the rate of inflation. The University of Manitoba’s administration has already signalled they intend to increase tuition under this new legislation. How will the new tuition increases affect you?

Sandra Bufter, faculty of law They won’t, as long as my student loan bankruptcy scam works out according to plan.

Ryan Palliser, faculty of kinesiology and recreation management Higher tuition is hip-hophappening! Who let the dogs out?

Dillon Handeburg, faculty of science I guess I’ll have to get back into the meth business.

This year marked the first time the University of Manitoba Students’ Union has used electronic voting in its general elections. Voter turnout ended up being 27.7 per cent, a full four percentage points higher than the highest turnout on record. What do you think of UMSU adopting online voting?

Ben Turkler, faculty of engineering Anything that lets me vote without pants on is all right by me!

Darcy Owafield, faculty of arts

Dale Jerimo, faculty of science

I think it leaves UMSU elections too vulnerable to Russian hacking.

My botnet and I found the voting process much smoother than last year.

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comment

Comment Editor: Gaston de Gorka

Eight reasons you should be glad tuition is going up

TYLER GUTIERREZ, STAFF

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between the reasonable choice 7. Save money on rent your parents suggested (actuIf you can’t afford food and Now that tuition is higher, the Now that tuition is increasing, arial studies) and your heart’s end up starving to death, you’re University of Manitoba admin- you won’t have to worry about one true passion: theatre? Well going to save mad dinero on istration can devote even more accidentally associating with a now you don’t have to choose rent in the long run! That’s cash millions of between giving money in your pocket! up on your dreams dollars to building masand disappoint- 8. Lower chance of Since only the elite business class of sive, cutting ing your parents, plague outbreak edge facili- Winnipeg will be able to attend the U of because you can’t If you’re a total germophobe ties for the M after a couple years of tuition hikes, af ford school! like me, you’ve gotta be happy 1. More study spaces professional Phew, that was a thinking about how much less Remember how finding a faculties that campus style will soon be on par with the close one! likely you are to fall victim to an place to study used to take hours you’ll probinfectious disease outbreak now most chic downtown Toronto hotspots! on end? Well, now that tuition ably never 6. Shorter that there won’t be all these peolines to is being raised and people join! Campus ple on campus. A whole bunch will start to drop out because will look fabulous with even more scrub when you ask your fellow buy food on campus won’t be able to afford to attend, of financial distress, there’ll be foreboding glass towers whose classmates for notes. Oh, the With everyone putting all their and even those who do will be so free couches to lounge on in purpose you’re not familiar with. horror! money towards tuition fees, no busy working extra shifts to make every study space! With fewer one is going to have money money for tuition that they won’t students on campus because 3. Better campus style 5. No stressful to buy food – and that means have time to sit around campus of new socioeconomic barriers shorter lines for you! Say good- coughing on you.

Since only the elite business decision over having erected by the provincial gov- class of Winnipeg will be able to to choose a major bye to the lunch rush at Degrees! ernment, you can find a great attend the U of M after a couple Remember struggling to pick spot to study and even leave it years of tuition hikes, campus unattended while you go buy style will soon be on par with Starbucks! And because all the the most chic downtown Toronto poor people have dropped out, hotspots! Instead of rags, everyyou don’t have to worry about one will be sporting suave blue anyone stealing your MacBook. jeans and classy oxford shoes.

Sweet!

Did somebody say messenger bag? ith the province announcing new legislation that’ll allow universities to raise their tuition by more than the rate of inflation, some Debbie Downers have been talking about how terrible the impact will be for students.

But it’s not all bad news! Here are eight reasons you should be glad tuition is going up!

2. More nice buildings you won’t ever walk in

4. U of M don’t want no scrubs

Science

Scientists announce as many as 65 per cent of endangered species probably had it coming DICK CONNELL, STAFF

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hile human intervention give them. urges often. That’s why I’m a has resulted in a rapid “There is certainly some mis- trophy hunter.” decline in population for many information circulating in the He added that the Malayan animal species, have any of public. For example, a lot of tiger mounted in his office was us stopped to think: could people view cougars as majes- prone to blowing its nose they have possibly deserved tic creatures to be revered, but loudly in class. it? According to one study, a the findings show a majority Jaysine now hopes to use the majority of them did. of them are just total jerks,” study to promote his start-up The study, which was led by Jaysine said. business of African elephant University of Memphis biologist The study is supplemented steaks. African elephants, Jason Jaysine, according states that as to the study, many as 65 “A lot of people view cougars as majestic especially per cent of it comcreatures to be revered, but the findings have endangered ing, and species taste great if show a majority of them are just “probably paired with total jerks” – Jason Jaysine, professor had it comA1 sauce and i n g.” T h e a light salad. of biology, University of Memphis news comes When as a bombasked about shell to many animal rights by recorded evidence of ani- the other 35 per cent of aniadvocacy organizations who mals cutting in line, tipping mals going extinct who prehave spent years trying to pre- less than 15 per cent, and dis- sumably didn’t have it coming, vent their extinction. regarding a variety of other Jaysine explained that this was While some animal rights social conventions. only as far as we knew, and activists remain skeptical of the “Who hasn’t wanted to kill that further research into what findings, Jaysine is assuring the someone who cut them in line?” else they might have done was public that rhinos, tigers, and Jaysine said, while showing off still necessary. many other animals haven’t his personal collection of aniearned nearly the amount of mal remains. concern and respect activists “I know I have. I get those

Editor: Lizzie McFrizzle

Local man who spends his time calling people cucks online somehow believes eugenics would spare him

PAUL JOSEPH JONES, STAFF

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had Hamar, a 29-year-old “The world belongs to those segregation enthusiast of us who are notably superior,” who also goes by the name said Hamar, while covered in “CuckDestroyer696969” on leftover Cheetos residue. several online message boards, Attempts to discuss even published a manifesto earlier the mechanistic problems with this week on Tumblr that theo- eugenics, such as issues with rizes introducing eugenics as gene diversity and pleiotropy, a medical practice will be the were brushed off by Hamar, answer to all of his country’s who instead asked what pleiproblems. otropy was. Not because he But it doesn’t end there: didn’t know, because of course Hamar also he knew believes what it was, that under "I'm just trying to but instead a national to test the be on the right eugenics interviewer. policy, he will When side of history" - asked be one of the if a chosen few to future built Chad Hamar on eugenics, remain and which is often improve the gene pool. associated with ideas about “This is just the reality of genetically engineering a the world. Survival of the fit- more intelligent and attractest,” Hamar, who presumably tive race of people, would believes there would be no IQ include him, he snorted and test component to any future said “obviously.” eugenics policy, told the Ivory Hamar, who described himBuffalo. self as a “professional shit dis“And it’s up to me to say turber” and provided no other something about it,” he added, employment status when asked, from the basement of his par- claims to have done extensive ents’ suburban home, next to research on eugenics and says a shelf full of participation that he has many supporters. trophies.

While he only knows their While blessing internet Reddit usernames, he is posiforums and his embarrassed tive they would join him in real family with his massive intel- life and preach their worldview lect takes up most of his time, on the streets.

Hamar also devotes himself “I’m just trying to be on the to many charities, including right side of history,” he said, using his weekly allowance to referring to the views he shares donate Bitcoins to Infowars. with Nazis.

F*CKING SCIENCE, HOW DOES IT WORK? EMAIL MACFRIZZLE IF YOU KNOW

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Science Editor: Lizzie McFrizzle

Idiot 8-year-old believes bake sale will somehow save rapidly declining whale population FRYE WILLIE, STAFF

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GRAPHIC BY ALMOS TRAMPLED

local 8-year-old girl is fac- net users alike have been in an ing international disdain and uproar for days over Balest’s feeridicule after hosting a bake sale ble attempt at positive change. to benefit the endangered blue Mar ine biologist Jef f whale.

Albertson told the Ivory Buffalo Emily Balest, a rosy-cheeked, the little girl was wasting her pigtailed fourth-grader, organ- time. ized the bake sale after learn“Does she honestly think 34 ing about the plight of the blue dollars in quarters is going to do whale in science anything?” said class. She baked Albertson. cupcakes with “Does she honestly “If you sub the help of her tract the cost of mother and sold think 34 dollars in the ingredients them to family to make the cupquarters is going cakes, and the and neighbours, raising a grand to do anything?” cost to actually get whatever the total of $34 in mos t l y s ma l l – Jeff Albertson, hell 34 dollars is change. marine biologist going to get you Mrs. Balest in wildlife preswas not available er vation tools, for comment on her child’s deep- what’s left? What are you doing set ignorance about the scale of this for? I mean, does she not the problem and the futility of her realize the United Nations has stupid plan to address it. a whole department on this sort “I mean, she sucks,” her of thing? What a moron.” science teacher said when When asked what might help approached for comment. to address the shrinking blue “She’s a huge geek. It’s like, whale population, Albertson does her hand ever get tired from said, “Nothing.” having questions? No wonder “They’re more or less goners she thought she could help a at this point. It’s out of our hands. species going extinct because All we can do now, is tell people of climate change. What’re you who try to save them how stupid gonna do? Patch up the ozone they are.” layer with 34 dollars? Dork.”

Scientists, activists, and inter-

Genetic engineering gone too far? Scientists create likable STEM major GARY WALLACE, STAFF

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n a move that has some communities shaken, scientists have genetically engineered a new form of life: a likable STEM major.

The man-made creation is studying organic chemistry, and yet manages to be easygoing, friendly, and bearable at parties.

The genetic anomaly was released on to an unnamed university campus just last week for field observation, and according to researchers monitoring the situation, students are already taking notice.

“It’s like... the uncanny valley,”

one student, a philosophy major, hopes for it, and said that if it people who are nice to retail reportedly said after spending a succeeds, the study could result workers, philosophy students whole hour with the STEM major in genetic alterations to other that aren’t total messes. It’s absowithout it invalidating his years groups. lutely awe-inspiring.” of study.

Not every“You know, one is excited The man-made creation is studying it looks real, about this scibut it can’t organic chemistry, and yet manages to be entific leap, be real... I’m however. In sure Kant has easygoing, friendly, and bearable at parties particular, something to some other say about it. If STEM majors you could just give me two hours “The possibilities are endless,” are raising ethical concerns and a ride to the library, I could local scientist Manny Zaius, an about the research. totally tell you what.” expert on nerds, said.

“It’s not fair that some of us Staff at the lab that synthe“You could create anything have to work for our degrees, sized the STEM major have high with genetic engineering: old while some of us get lucky and

are built in a lab,” said Melvin Botchitaw, a fourth-year biology student at the University of Manitoba.

“I only get three hours of sleep a day. Did you know that? Probably not. What’s your major? Journalism? Good luck with that,” Botchitaw said, insufferably.

The STEM major hopes to complete its degree by spring of 2018, and while it is taking some classes this upcoming May, it has the self-awareness to recognize that there are probably worse ways to spend a summer.

lol Diversions Editor: Mayer McCheese

GRAPHIC BY NAT BUGLY

arts & Culture Editor: Jim Sweltington

WAG’s “Dank Memes” exhibit reminds non-millennials how old they really are EVELYNE VAN-SNOOT, STAFF

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he Winnipeg Art Gallery is showing a new exhibit on the recent history of online art titled

Dank Memes from April 1 to 20.

The exhibit is unlike anything I, as an art connoisseur, have ever

graphed (and some poorly Photoshopped) are lined up along the wall. Some pieces of the exhibit appear to be stills from well-known modern films and television shows such as The Big Lebowski and House.

Most have large blocks of text splashed across them. These nonsequitur photos are, I am told, a cornerstone of youth culture.

The pieces are not labeled, and have no designated artists.

When I inquired how one determines the artist, the WAG guide on duty informed me that memes are a collective project, and have no designated artist.

As for the lack of titles, apparently the purpose of a meme is the understanding of a reference without explicitly saying it.

“So I’m just supposed to know what these are?” I asked.

“You need to spend more time on Reddit,” the guide explained.

I do recognize a few characters featured in the pieces – for some reason, many feature Kermit the Frog from Jim GRAPHIC BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA Henson’s The Muppet Show. seen.

There is a screencap of him Several pieces, some graphi- sipping tea, another of two cally designed, some photo- Kermits engaged in conversation,

one wearing a black cape. There is also an image of actor Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka resting his head on his hand. Many images of the children’s cartoon Spongebob Squarepants are also displayed – naturally, these assembled pieces brought up a few concerns around copyright infringement.

“I’m assuming you have the creative license to display and profit from these copyrighted characters?” I asked the guide.

“Umm... Yes. I wanna say yes? It’s the Internet, right?

Everything’s fair game.”

After informing the guide that I was pretty sure that’s not how things worked, I was promptly escorted out of the exhibit and thanked for my patronage.

In spite of its incomprehensible absurdity, I came away from Dank Memes with a striking realization – I have aged more than I thought.

Compilation album Wolseley features some of Winnipeg’s hippest, freshest, most obscure bands FRON TROWKID, STAFF

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s an all-star local compilation off, and that behind the camera, recorded in a beach house “the boner police have arrived.” in Gimli over the course of nine Local rockers Shyness Kit and weeks, Wolseley is the current SunDogs both have songs on the pride and joy of Winnipeg’s album; vocalists Ellen Rousey music scene. and Shannon O’Malley appear Missing from the album are to be competing to see who can locals Regal Kayak, who, unfor- yell louder about how hard it is tunately, couldn’t rent their exten- to be a front woman in lace and sive array of toys and equipment leather jackets, while the bassists from a local daycare centre for incessantly try to out-funk one the weekend. another.

The album starts with a track Prog - roc k power t r io from some local favorite cis Sunscreen’s hit “Limelight” by white male, who was so afraid of Rush is hardly a cover, as they offending someone with what he somehow manage to make the said, he opted to submit a purely four-minute song twice as long instrumental tune. with unwritten and unnecessary To complement this, a com- bass, guitar, and drum solos. pletely a cappella track was Someone thought it would be done by the most famous local a good idea for this to transition success story in the bustling into the Tragically Hip. No, wait Facebook livestream scene: the – it’s just Listening Tree, accusCountry Bumpkins. A piercing tomed as they are to riding on the voice yells to “like, comment, coattails of popular local bands and share,” promising that a per- (part of this band’s aesthetic is to former will indeed take his shirt be completely unknown unless

you’re a cool kid.)

Local shoegaze outfit Rain Cloud has a song as well. For something new that doesn’t sound like their past 26 albums, skip ahead 17 minutes into the ambient track to the part where the pizza guy arrives. This section features atmospheric sounds of the band ironically asking for it to be free because it took longer than 30 minutes and, when this doesn’t work, trying for the student deal (even though we’re pretty sure they’re in their mid-30s.)

Overall, the compilation offers a glimpse into Winnipeg’s unknown, underrated talent.

Unknown and underrated, that is, by anyone outside of Winnipeg.

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Fine dining reviews: that time I was drunk AF at Little Pizza Heaven PENELOPE PHETTA, STAFF

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he legendar y Osborne Village was deemed one of Winnipeg’s hotspot areas and a must see for any foodie visiting the city. I, however, bounced between vacant and packed restaurants – only to find myself packed into a miniscule pizzeria next to some dive bar, filled with music that reminded me of my yester-year. I was held in the arms of a hippy that tasted like patchouli and Standard lager.

The lineup wound out the door and down the street,

drunken patrons creating a swaying snake of people proclaiming their love of feta. The smell of garlic and cheap beer overwhelmed my nostrils as we impatiently waited for a slice – all to the sounds of some busker who was now singing “Wagon Wheel” and “Ring of Fire” for the 14th time.

My accomplice loudly shared that it was my first time at Little Pizza Heaven, and I was immediately informed in a slurring fashion by droves of people that “you

don’t even know,” and “it will change your life.”

The once rowdy crowd of Soul Night lined up like good school children to greet the servers with friendly Manitoba-style please and thank-yous, and once we reached the front of the line we ordered the special, which was two slices of pineapple feta pizza and a can of root beer.

I had never seen such a thing in my life but lo and behold, easily hundreds of people flocked here weekly to consume this

Winnipeg delicacy.

Presentation:

Service: The service is excellent for the droves of humans from all walks of life filing in to try this local oddity (pineapple and feta pizza).

The plate it came on couldn’t support the weight of the pizza, and clearly indicated the amount of grease that accompanies an astronomical amount of cheese, Taste: to the point that the plate It was salty and greasy and became completely transparent. I DREAM OF IT EVERYTIME A That said, most patrons finished SIP OF BEER TOUCHES MY LIPS their slice over a few ham-fisted AND WILL NEVER FORGIVE attempts at their PIN number, let YOU WINNIPEG. alone before sitting down.

The Manitoban BuzZ: Weekend Update March 24-26 EMMY HILTON, STAFF

Friday night, 10:00 p.m. @ the Handsome Daughter

John Mayer spotted at local watering hole and venue the Handsome Daughter, but other sources say they saw Johnny Depp.

(Editor’s note: Turns out it was just the sound guy, Corey.)

Saturday morning, 8 a.m. – 11 a.m. in Wolseley, Osborne Village areas

Droves of various twenty-

somethings stumble out of the Roslyn in what appears to be last night’s attire to amble back to their shared houses in Wolseley.

Meanwhile, Osbornites are stumbling out of shared Wolseley houses in a similar state of dishevelment, making their way back home. Parties meet to high-five at a halfway point at Osborne and Broadway, shotgun a leftover Pabst, and continue home to sleep until four in the afternoon.

Saturday afternoon, 2 p.m. in Corydon area

After waking up on some couch the “morning” after a house party, Samantha’s denim jacket she got at a thrift store in Texas was not stolen, but rather found in her friend’s boyfriend’s second cousin’s car – who happens to live just a couple blocks away.

Saturday afternoon, 4 p.m. @ Munson Park

Band members from several local outfits accidentally gathered at Munson Park to smoke marijuana. No one cares, not even the cops.

Saturday night @ Good Will Social Club

A relatively unknown solo act opening the show naively let a random drummer from the audience play on the drum kit that was set up onstage. The kit belonged to the headliner, Shyness Kit. The opener was reprimanded with an emphatic “who does that?!” and was denied all Standard lager privileges until an apology was given.

Sunday morning, 3 a.m. in Wolseley area

Three young women were involved in a heated exchange after a house concert on Langside St. One went home with one wrong Blundstone, as did two others. After a few drunken, panicked Facebook statuses, and friends forwarding Snapchats, the issue was eventually resolved.

Sunday morning, 11 a.m. in Wolseley area

Sources say that an unscheduled Zombie Walk that seemed to start from nowhere and ended at Stella’s Café & Bakery on Sherbrook was the most successful one since its beginnings.

(Editor’s note: Those aren’t zombies. I told you to stop taking photos of me and my friends, Emmy.)

sports

“There aren’t any hills”: World Cheese Rolling Association denies Regina for league expansion Editor: Blurp McGurp

ROB MCKENZIE, STAFF

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n announcement this week by the governing body of the World Cheese Rolling Association (WCRA) brought heartbreak to a small sector of Saskatchewan athletes.

In a press release, the organization broke the news that they

would not be holding events in the prairie province due to the hurdles posed by the flat geography of the area.

“It is with heavy hearts that we must decline the proposal offered by the government of Saskatchewan,” the press

release read. “We take no pleasure in this denial, and recognize the passion of cheese rolling fans in the province; however we cannot hold an event in an area which lacks a fundamental component of our sport.”

The WCRA went on to thank

Saskatchewan for their proposal and insisted they would work with the government in order to find a way to stage an event in the future. Previous reports indicated that the government was willing to expend significant public funds to construct a venue for the event, with the potential location being near Regina’s football stadium.

It was decided this past fall that the WCRA would hold qualifiers in various other countries in order to kick start the continued growth of the sport. Preliminary events have already been announced for Kiev, Minsk, and Athens to cover the European qualifiers, as well as Osaka and Seoul for the Asian qualifiers. No announcements have yet been made for the American qualifiers. However Portland, Oregon seems to be the frontrunner: the hipster capital of the world has a large cheese rolling contingent.

The proposal by the Saskatchewan Cheese Rolling Federation (SCRF) was a head scratcher for many involved in the sport, as the flat province

was not thought to be a viable market for a sport born in the hilly lands of Scotland. A fact addressed in a recent press release by the SCRF.

“We take no pleasure in this denial, and recognize the passion of cheese rolling fans in the province” – WCRA press release “We understand many were skeptical of this market,” the organization said. “However we firmly believe that the vibrant Saskatchewan culture would embrace the sport with open arms given the chance.

The SCRF could not be reached for further comment.

NHL grants Atlanta expansion franchise again, argues “third time’s the charm” ROB MCKENZIE, STAFF

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ess than a decade after losing its second professional hockey franchise, the city of Atlanta was been granted a third chance at hockey glory.

Reports have surfaced that the Georgia capital will unveil another team in the fall, under the watchful eye of the league.

A majority stake in the team will be held by the league until they can prove they are viable.

“We’re returning to a place we wish we’d never left... again,” league commissioner Greb Beitzer said in an interview. “The lovely state of Georgia deserves another shot. It’s a large market

that remains untapped. We are was already working to make an and felt it would be nostalgic for of placing a team in a hockeycertain that we’ll get it right this inevitable relocation north easier, fans and draw interest.” star ved Canadian market, time.”

Beitzer was quick to defend the The past two hockey fran- Beitzer stood his ground.

Leaked league documents market. chises to occupy the city, the “We believe in this market indicated that Flames a n d and region,” he said. “We’ve t h e ex p a n Thrashers, sput- seen the success of Los Angeles, sion applicatered for many San Jose, and Washington. That “We’re returning to a place we tion filed by years until being surely can be replicated here. wish we’d never left... again” Greg Quebec City reloc a ted to We can grow the game here.” in 2016 was Canadian marBeitzer neglected to mention Beitzer, NHL commissioner transferred kets. In Canada, the state of the franchises in to the new they have seen Carolina and South Florida, as Georgia-based ownership group, “You can consider the last two a marked improvement in both well as the financial troubles in and that the team will be called teams as the first two strikes,” he the on-ice product and financial Anaheim. the Atlanta Nordiques. When told reporters. “You get three success.

In related news, Quebec City asked about the significance of strikes in baseball so we’re When questioned about why is beginning preparations for the new name to the city, and applying the same logic here. he wanted to return to a mar- their new franchise which they that it seemed like the league We already owned the name ket which failed twice instead are expecting to arrive by 2019.

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Michael Jordan breaks down at press conference calling for an end to the crying Jordan meme DALE LEBOTTA, STAFF

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n Wednesday, former NBA superstar and two-time basketball hall of fame inductee Michael Jordan hosted a press conference in Charlotte, N.C., calling for an end to use of the ‘crying Jordan meme.’

The meme uses a 2009 photo of Jordan shedding tears during his induction speech for the NBA Hall of Fame.

“I am known as the best NBA player of all time and have done a lot for the game of basketball, but now my legacy is being tainted by this meme that is flooding everyone’s social media feeds” – Michael Jordan The meme is photoshopped primarily overtop athletes’ faces after they fail within their sport, such as Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton after the team’s Super Bowl 50 loss, and Ronda Rousey after being knocked out by Holly Holm and losing her first UFC fight.

PHOTO BY KELLI

With the meme going viral, full-on-crying, that he doesn’t Jordan has finally had enough mind being photoshopped onto and has stepped forward and and compared to other athletes, made some comments about the but only when it is in a positive meme. light.

“It is just disrespectful,” Jordan “When someone loses a chamsaid as he began choking up. pionship they are honoured “I am known as the best NBA with this silly meme, but- but the player of all time and have only time that my face should done a lot for the game of bas- be applied to someone else’s is ketball, but now my legacy is when they actually win a chambeing tainted by this meme that is pionship and achieve greatness flooding everyone’s social media like I have six times in my career, feeds, and will probably be writ- ” Jordan said, now sobbing and ten about on my Wikipedia page with boogers running. one day.”

The crying Jordan meme has Jordan stated, as he began recently been placed on LaVar

Ball, who is UCLA’s guard Lonzo Ball’s father. UCLA was just eliminated from the NCAA March Madness tournament, which made all of LaVar’s talk take a hit. He has been telling everyone who will listen that he could have beat Jordan one-on-one when he was in his prime, and has also been saying that his son is already better than Golden State Warrior guard Steph Curry.

This is the one exception where Jordan likes the use of his meme.

“My face is on his [LaVar Ball] because I am better than him and he is irrelevant,” Jordan said,

as an NBA staff member handed him a box of Kleenex. “He can talk all he wants, but we all know that if we were to actually hit the court in a one-on-one game I would come out on top because I’m the greatest of all time.”

Although Jordan liked seeing the famous meme applied to LaVar, he wants to see it come to an end so that everyone can remember him for his greatness on the court, and not for his tears in the meme.

Out of options, Browns sign local armchair quarterback PARTOV FLOWERS, STAFF

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ith all the struggles the Cleveland Browns have had at the quarterback position the past few years, the team has been forced to get creative. The Browns announced on Tuesday that they had signed local armchair quarterback Tony Rembrano.

The 42-year-old Rembrano was third string quarterback in high school football at LincolnWest High School in Cleveland in the 1990s. He was never much of an athlete, but used his time with the football team in a feeble attempt to get girls.

“I was so close to playing col-

that all went out the window. I know I could’ve gone pro.”

Rembrano is an avid fantasy football player and has a state “I’m an old guy of the art man cave to watch football games in.

by NFL standards” “I am basically the best fan – Tony Rembrano, I know,” he said. “I am better than most at betting on football local armchair games. All my buddies know quarterback what I have been saying for years: I could easily play in the NFL.” lege ball. I would have made it,” Browns GM Sashi Brown said he said with a bag of Cheetos they took notice of Rembrano in his hands. “I received lots of after they saw them in the team’s offers, but when I hurt my knee Twitter feed telling them that “he

could do better.”

“You see that a lot from fans who think they can do better than our players on the field,” Brown said. “We were particularly interested in Rembrano because of his persistent presence in our feed week after week.”

The starting job is of course still to be won by Rembrano, but he is fairly confident in his abilities.

“I will definitely work hard to try to earn my spot as the starter,” he said. “I know it’s no sure thing. I basically know the offence inside and out, I have

been watching this Browns team for a long, long time. They break all the plays down on ESPN for you, you know.”

Confidence oozes from Rembrano’s pores, but only time will tell if he will be able to prove himself as an NFL player.

Cleveland’s training camp opens up in August, with some pre-season games scheduled where fans will be able to get their first look at Rembrano under center.

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