30 March 2016

NEWS

Student flips Group project drives member into a rage Page 5

NEWS

The waiting game Student has “plenty of time” to complete paper Page 6

NEWS

Union scandal UMSA president collected Air Miles on union purchases Page 3

VO L 1 0 2 · N O 2 8 · M A R C H 3 0, 2 0 1 6 · W W W.T H E I VO RY B U F FA LO.CO M

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Index

VOL. 102 NO. 28 March 30, 2016

SCIENCE

The grim reaper’s a-comin’

New research confirms: you’re gonna die page 11 FEATURE

Whose House?

Who cares?

Looking inside some jerk’s house

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Craig Adolphe

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page 8

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REPORTERS

ARTS & CULTURE

New experimental album released Hallway ambience is music to our ears page 14 CORRECTION

The last 27 issues featured real news stories with well-researched, hardhitting journalism. We apologize for the error.

Design Design Editor: Rusty Contact: design@themanitoban.com / 474.6775 Graphics Editor: Packson Jollock Contact: graphics@themanitoban.com / 474.6775 Photo Editor: Chavril Krovigne Contact: photo@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

NEWS Osho Samuel Adetunji NEWS Shawn Garbutt NEWS Shreya Ghimire NEWS Diana-Abasi Ubokudom COLUMNIST Jill Patterson SCIENCE Malak Abas SCIENCE Jeremiah Yarmie ARTS & CULTURE Olivia Michalczuk ARTS & CULTURE Tobi Nifesi SPORTS Andy Che SPORTS Ryan Stelter

VOLUNTEER CONTRIBUTORS

Caroline Norman Keiron Berndt Laurel Johansen Taras Dlugosh Azim Huszar Johise Namwira

Rico Ilag Brittany Morrison Yashila Chavee

Ramdoyal Will Gibson Anthony Labonte Nicolette Nuytten Robert Pasternak

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News

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News Editor: Ethan Cabel Contact: news@themanitoban.com News Editor:Garett Williams Contact: garett@themanitoban.com

UMSA president collected Air Miles using personal card Critics charge student union missed out on dozens of collectible points MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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freedom of information request put forward by the Ivory Buffalo has uncovered emails showing that University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) president Calvin Bergeron collected Air Miles reward miles with his personal card on union-related expenses.

The Air Miles were collected on a variety of expenses over several months including $87.13 on poster materials for an advocacy event, $7.49 for office supplies, and $352.22 from a TacoTime restaurant. In total, the president collected nearly 200 Air Miles reward miles on his personal account.

The details were verified through a series of automated email updates for Bergeron’s personal Air Miles account that were forwarded to the president’s work email and public statements of union expenses.

Bergeron said that the number of reward miles collected was extremely small and that there was no loss to the union because the organization doesn’t collect Air Miles.

“This isn’t a controversy. What we’re looking at here is a political witch-hunt,” Bergeron said.

Some students disagree. Kiera Fiera, UMSA representative from

the Association of Music Students, said the use of a personal Air Miles card represented a major breach of the president’s fiduciary duty to the union.

“Those Air Miles belong to all of us.

No one else is going to fly one-eightieth of the way to Brandon on students’ backs” – Kiera Fiera, UMSA representative “Those Air Miles belong to all of us. No one else is going to fly oneeightieth of the way to Brandon on students’ backs,” said Fiera.

“That says nothing of the issue of broken trust with students. What other rewards cards has he been collecting with on the union’s dime? Has he been collecting PC Plus points?

Has he been shopping at the Co-op?”

A group of students going by the name of Students for an UMSA with Air Miles is now calling for

PHOTO BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA

Bergeron to be removed from office.

Cole Ruggard, a representative of the group, told the Ivory Buffalo this issue needs to be resolved before the

end of the year.

“They say justice is blind. But not today. Today her vision is 20/20 and she’s out for vengeance,” Ruggard

said.

“That is to say, we’d like him to step down.”

Better Business Bureau investigating U of M over thousands of worthless arts degrees Complainants reviewing option of class action lawsuit MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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he Better Business Bureau of Manitoba is investigating the University of Manitoba after receiving complaints from thousands of alumni who claim to have received useless arts degrees from the institution.

The alumni, who graduated between the years of 1998 and 2015, say that their degrees, which they each paid thousands of dollars for, hold no value in the real world.

Igreet Salhamine, who graduated with a bachelor of arts in religious studies in 2011, said she felt cheated when she realized how little value her degree actually had.

“They told me to study what excited me, but it’s a con,” Salhamine said. “I paid all this money and all I got out of it was a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. But who’s going to pay me for that?”

James Melhurst, who studied anthropology from 2009 until 2013, said he’s still paying for his decision to obtain an education.

“I didn’t even have all the money.

I had to take out a loan to pay them,” said Melhurst.

“One of my friends is still there, paying more for a graduate degree.

I’ve tried to get her out, but she thinks

it’ll pay off one day. I’m just sick about it.”

Although some of the complaints come from people who graduated as far back as 18 years ago, the majority stem from younger people who graduated in the last five years.

“We’ve got graduates with degrees in Ukrainian-Canadian heritage studies out there in the world looking for work, so yes, this is something we take seriously” – Marvin Spleck, chief investigator, Better Business Bureau of Manitoba Marvin Spleck, chief investigator with the bureau, said these sorts of complaints against universities have increased in recent years, but added

PHOTO BY GERALDINE WAY

that until quite recently it was rare to see them filed against larger institutions like the U of M. “It’s usually out of these fly-bynight schools like the University of Winnipeg that you get these sort of complaints, but these days even these U15 research schools seem to be getting in on it,” Spleck said.

Spleck was tight-lipped about details of the investigation but did say that he believed the complaints had merit.

“We’ve got graduates with degrees in Ukrainian-Canadian heritage studies out there in the world looking for work, so yes, this is something we take seriously.”

While they wait for the Better Business Bureau of Manitoba to take action, a group of alumni are reviewing the possibility of a class action lawsuit against the school. A highly employable alumnus of the U of M’s faculty of law is currently set to represent them.

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News

News Editor: Ethan Cabel Contact: news@themanitoban.com News Editor:Garett Williams Contact: garett@themanitoban.com

Stock market enters freefall after chief economist begins presentation with graph on its side Bankers and policy experts react poorly to misunderstanding over growth numbers MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE

he S&P TSX composite index went into freefall Monday morning after Paul Dezar, chief economist with the Bank of Canada, started a presentation on the state of the economy with a graph featuring economic growth projections accidentally displayed on its side.

The presentation was set to show the central bank’s growth projections for the next three years, but was disrupted when attendees, including several prominent bankers, business leaders, and policy wonks, misinterpreted the sideways graph as a sharp decline in Canada’s growth.

“I saw a lot of people frantically

pulling out their phones. There was picked up on that.”

2016.” murmuring, then it got louder and The S&P TSX composite index “I’m really, really sorry guys. This a couple people fell by 4,500 one is totally on me,” Dezar said. “If ran out of the basis points it helps, I was going to announce that room. One man before a clari- we were in pretty good shape. Not so The Canadian dollar started prayf ication was much now, but before that, things also lost 23 per cent ing on the floor issued. Through were really looking up.” of the conferthe rest of the Dezar added that the Bank of of its value in what ence room,” one day shares ral- Canada would likely have to redo economists have attendee, who lied to sit at an their projections for the next three asked to remain average of 80 per years and would be rescheduling an dubbed “the Big anonymous, told cent of where event for the coming months. Dezar Whoopsie of 2016” reporters. they started. The went on to assure the media that he “I could see Canadian dollar would have his intern set up the presthe title was also also lost 23 per entation next time. on its side, so I figured it was just a cent of its value in what economists mistake, but I don’t think everyone have dubbed “the Big Whoopsie of

Canadian who keeps sharing Bernie Sanders articles on Facebook ‘not sure’ about voting in provincial election Student who is ‘feeling the Bern’ cannot name any provincial party leaders MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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PHOTO BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA

ocal 22-year-old student and Bernie Sanders enthusiast Trevor Baird said he’s not sure about voting in Manitoba’s upcoming provincial election.

Baird has shared a half-dozen articles about Sanders each day for the past four months on social media and has made regular calls for a “political revolution” in the United States, a country he has never been a resident of.

“For me, Bernie Sanders represents the kind of political leader that America needs. He really stood out

in that first Democratic debate in “It’s time for people to wake up and October. I think that’s where he put start paying attention,” Baird said. himself ahead of O’Malley, Webb, “We need to hold politicians accountand Chafee as Clinton’s main com- able and actually vote for politicians petitor,” said Baird, who can’t name who are going to represent us.” any of the party leaders vying to be When asked whether he’d be premier of Manitoba. taking that enthusiasm to the ballot “I’m really feeling the Bern!” added box April 19 for the provincial electhe young man who isn’t eligible to tion Baird said it would depend on vote in the United States. whether he could go before coverage Baird said issues such as educa- of the New York Democratic primary tion, economic inequality, and the started. environment were what drove him “I don’t want to miss anything. to get engaged in another country’s This is really important after all,” political process. said Baird.

Staying awake in class key to academic success, says researcher Students who sleep through class see 0.75 point-decrease in GPA MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

PHOTO BY MURV BERKLEY

ANN ARBOR, MICH. – A new study out of the University of Michigan is shedding light on the factors involved in academic success.

Researchers are saying one factor in particular, whether students stay awake in class, plays a much larger role than previously thought.

A research team from the university’s department of psychology conducted a quantitative analysis with surveys done with nearly 800 students after their first year of classes.

A number of variables including GPA were used to measure academic success.

Lead researcher Denise LaRoche slept through three or fewer classes in said that the team’s findings defied the course of a single semester. expectations.

For the purposes of this study both “What we expected to find was that students who reported sleeping in study habits were the most import- their classrooms and missing class ant factor in predicting grades, with altogether due to sleep were counted. intelligence, goal-oriented attitude, However, researchers warned the data and positive self-perception also play- still might be skewed to underrepreing significant roles,” said LaRoche. sent the strength of the relationship.

“But as it turns out being conscious “There were a lot of students who during class is actually much more didn’t finish the survey because they important.” fell asleep and others didn’t show up Students who reported sleeping – we assume some of them may have through a majority of classes saw a been sleeping.” drop of 0.75 points in their GPA on average compared to students who

VOL. 102 NO. 28 March 30, 2016

News

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Angry professor launches ‘Rate My Students’ website Students receive feedback from disgruntled course instructors MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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University of Manitoba professor is fighting back against students who have given him low ratings using the popular website ratemyprofessors.com by setting up his own site to review students.

Darell Gojur, a professor of mathematics, set up the new site, ratemystudents.com, after years of receiving negative reviews – including criticisms about his teaching ability, mannerisms, and appearance – on the Rate My Professors site.

Gojur told the Ivory Buffalo that he hopes Rate My Students will give professors an opportunity to fight back against unfair criticisms as well as “teaching those ungrateful little pukes what it feels like.”

The site has already garnered significant interest from faculty members at a number of universities, with over 1,000 faculty members leaving

nearly 12,000 reviews.

Gojur hopes Rate My Students will give professors an opportunity to fight back against unfair criticisms as well as “teaching those ungrateful little pukes what it feels like”

student at the University of Alberta, claims the student was “a little shithead who never listened and was always asking for extensions.”

“Don’t teach this student if you want an easy class,” the review concludes.

Not all reviews are negative, though.

Jenny DeGroot, a secondyear anthropology student at the University of Manitoba, has received an overall student score of 3.5 out of 5 on the Rate My Students site.

DeGroot said she understood the desire from faculty to have the site and thought her reviews were fair, but was uncomfortable with her status as a “hot tamale,” symbolized through a red chili pepper graphic.

One review of Jared Steezle, a third-year environmental design

PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE

Passive aggressive partner from group project transitions to regular aggression High-achieving student detained by security services after library outburst MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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ecurity services were called to Elizabeth Dafoe library last Thursday after a local student began overturning tables and damaging property.

The student, who has been identified as Carrie Nibish by her classmates, flew into a fit of rage after her passive aggressive pleas for competent contributions to a group project were ignored by her partners.

According to her friends, Nibish, who was assigned to her group at random by her professor, is on the dean’s list for her faculty and holds a 4.26 GPA overall According to her friends, Nibish, who was assigned to her group at random by her professor, is on the dean’s list for her faculty and holds a 4.26 GPA overall.

The group was reportedly scheduled to meet in the library at 2:45 p.m. to discuss the status of their group project. One of the group members told the Ivory Buffalo the meeting ended up starting at 3:07 p.m. because another member was running late.

One student studying in the library near the group said she overheard the conversation between

PHOTO MURV BERKLEY

Nibish and her partners prior to he was supposed to be working on.

Nibish’s outburst.

That’s when she started shaking.”

“She kept saying she’d really appreWitnesses report this is when ciate it if everyone would make sure Nibish began throwing binders and they sent her their parts by Friday books and flipping tables. A library night,” the student said. assistant was hurt when she tried to “Then the guy with the backwards restrain Nibish. cap said he wasn’t sure which part Minutes later security services

arrived and were eventually able to restrain her.

While her partners were given an extension on the assignment, Nibish has been given an F grade by her professor for being unable to “work with others.” A law student representing Nibish announced that she is cur-

rently in the process of appealing the decision with the U of M senate, claiming temporary insanity brought on by stress.

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News

News Editor: Ethan Cabel Contact: news@themanitoban.com News Editor:Garett Williams Contact: garett@themanitoban.com

Student council baffled, concerned by high turnout at social event Preliminary numbers show faculty of arts social not a total waste of money MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

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embers of the Arts Student Body Council (ASBC) are concerned after one of their social events broke even due to high attendance.

The Lord of the Rings-themed “Spring Fling it into the Fires of Mordor” event, which took place March 20, saw an unexpected surge in attendance at the door from students who had not pre-purchased tickets.

The event, which cost $10 for admission, was hosted at a local bar that had been rented by the ASBC. The event’s Facebook page and posters invited attendees to dress up as

their favourite Lord of the Rings “No one expected this to happen. motion may have contributed to the character.

People were laughing and dancing, high attendance.

The social marks the first time in really having a good time. I mean, “People really seem to like dressing up like Lord of the the council’s history an event has broRings characters.

“No one expected this to happen. People ken even. Similarly, We had almost 30 with over 80 people Frodos on the dance were laughing and dancing, really reportedly in attenfloor at one point.” having a good time. I mean, we almost dance at the event, ASBC president this marks the first Darren Gerard told ran out of tickets” – Mimzi Beauregard, the Ivory Buffalo time the council social planning co-ordinator, ASBC that after includhas ever broken into double-digit ing money from a attendance. raffle at the event, Mimzi Beauregard, ASBC social we almost ran out of tickets,” she said. the ASBC may have actually made Beauregard said that the event’s money hosting the event. planning co-ordinator, said she had no idea the event would be a success. theme and the use of posters for pro“This completely throws our bud-

get off. We’re going to have extra money at the end of the year. We can try throwing another party, but if that breaks even I don’t know what we’ll do.”

Serial procrastinator still has hours to start final paper 13 hours plenty of time to finish readings, write final paper, according to student MURV BERKLEY, STAFF

PHOTO BY MURV BERKLEY

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hird-year sociology student and frequent procrastinator Steve Neech is waiting to start his upcoming term paper, saying he has nearly 13 hours left before it’s due.

The paper is the third and final assignment for his sociological theory class which requires him to analyze

key points from sections of the first volume of Karl Marx’s Capital. The paper is expected to be eight to 10 pages double-spaced.

Neech, who hasn’t completed the readings yet, is hoping to plough through them before 4 a.m., write until 10 a.m., and then make a casual

trip to print them on campus before his class starts at 11:30 a.m.

“That’s six hours to do roughly nine pages: 1.5 pages an hour. And it’s actually supposed to be doublespaced, so it’s more like three-quarters of a page an hour. So really, I’m already ahead of the game,” Neech

assured himself.

“And if I do end up running a little late, I’ll just skip class and stop in at the end to drop it off. It’ll be fine.”

Neech’s attitude hasn’t changed since he last spoke to the Ivory Buffalo two days ago. At the time he said three days would be plenty of

time to finish the assignment. Neech then proceeded to binge watch season four of Dexter on Netflix.

“I’ve seen it before, but it’s really good. And anyways, I just needed a bit of a break to clear my head before starting,” said Neech, who still isn’t clear on who the proletariat are.

Features

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Features Editor: Lauren Siddall Contact: Me@themanitoban.com

E S O H W

?

E S U O H

S ' G I CRA SE U O H

PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE

QUINCY ADAMS WAGSTAFF, STAFF

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hen people picture the editorin-chief of a student newspaper, they typically envision a twentysomething graduate student functioning on the basis of little sleep and fuelled by quiet rage over minuscule copy errors.

Craig Adolphe, editor-in-chief of the Manitoban, doesn’t bother to

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challenge that stereotype. In fact, he embraces it.

“I sometimes go three days without sleep,” Adolphe says.

“I want to make sure I catch any errant commas, any sentences written in passive voice. Our readers might be snot-nosed undergraduate students, but they’re very discerning.”

Adolphe is currently working on Hey Arnold and, to a lesser extent, through his seventh year of a two- Doug,” he says. year master’s degree, and is confident “I really think the insidious influthat he will finish his thesis within ence of capitalist hegemony is evithe next two years. dent in these cartoons – and, frankly, “I’m taking an interdisciplinary the romantic relationship between approach to the study of capitalist Arnold and Helga is ripe for academic discourse in 1990s Saturday morning exploration.” cartoons, with a particular emphasis Adolphe’s St. Boniface home,

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which he shares with two roommates also hard at work on their respective theses, is a colourful mix of junk and visible signs of neglect.

1) Planters peanut jar

“When I was doing research for my thesis about five years ago, when Blockbuster still existed and rented out seasons of children’s cartoons, I stumbled across this commemorative 100th anniversary peanut jar. I keep my small change in it now. The monocle and top hat are a persistent reminder of North American wealth disparity as represented in animated popular culture.”

2) Closed blinds

“I find that light of any kind, outside of the glare of my laptop, hinders the editing process. It’s difficult to concentrate on minor copy errors, or the systemic injustices of capitalism, when the sun is in your eyes.”

3) Dirty laundry

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“I’ve never understood these people who wash their socks after one or two uses. Doing laundry is time that I could spend reading over student union credit card statements or rewatching episode 36 of Doug with a closer eye for themes of patriarchal neoliberalism.”

4) Expired milk

“The expiration date is just a guideline. The big milk producers have every incentive for you to throw away your milk and buy more. Just like electronics, it’s all planned obsolescence.”

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Comment Comment Editor: vacant Contact: comment@themanitoban.com

Buffalo Babble Students get their say on the issues of the day With the end of the semester quickly approaching, students are churning out final papers and preparing to cram for exams. The associated stress can be overwhelming for university students. How are you coping with your current workload?

Steve Halloway, faculty of medicine

Talia Bubowitz, school of art

Jesse Grumberg, faculty of music

4 mg Alprazolam t.d.s.

I don’t have a very heavy workload.

I pay a short Greek man in New York to write all my essays.

I like to read erotic novels in the library.

Manitoba’s next provincial is taking place April 19. The NDP is hoping to hold on for a fifth term, but the Conservatives are leading in the polls and the Liberals have shown signs of growth. Who do you want to see win the election?

Devona Strangler, faculty of engineering Anyone that’ll fix our roads and put a complete stop to all that summer construction. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for both.

Sumi Frankler, faculty of engineering I’d like the next government to be either radical communists or jack-booted fascists. Whatever keeps it interesting.

Jordan Zappa, I.H. Asper school of business Anyone who promises to make Manitoba great again.

In the past couple years the university’s board of governors has announced increases in international student fee differentials and recently an increase in rent and food card fees for students living on campus. How do you feel about that?

Red Fabler, faculty of agriculture and food sciences I’m OK with it, as long as the extra money goes toward reducing costs for residence and international students.

Neil Uyger, faculty of science

Helga Blurp, college of nursing

It’s time for them to jack up the rent.

I’m sick of international students being treated like human beings.

If I wanted to pay out the nose to live in squalor surrounded by morons, I’d rent a Fort Richmond rooming house.

Science & technology 10 Science & Technology Editor: Chantelle Dubois Contact: science@themanitoban.com

God particle speaks to researchers, smites non-believers Science validates an Old Testament understanding of the universe BILL NIALL DEGRASSE SAGAN

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GRAPHIC BY NOT JONDELL

hysicists at CERN stumbled upon the most peculiar finding last week at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) located near Geneva, Switzerland.

The researchers were repeating the experiments done in 2012 that confirmed the presence of the Higgs boson, the so-called “God particle,” when they heard a voice call out from inside the LHC. “At first I thought someone was playing a trick on us,” said head researcher Salazar Abraham. “But then I realized that if anyone was

inside of the LHC during an experiment, they would be killed by the proton beam.”

“I am a merciful God particle” – Higgs boson The researchers realized that this voice was ethereal and omnipotent.

Salazar told the Ivory Buffalo the events of that day in detail.

“When you named me the God particle, you were right,” said the voice. “Using my everlasting power I have suspended my normal lifetime of one sextillionth of a second to share with you my will.”

Without hesitation, the Higgs boson smote a researcher, claiming he was a non-believer.

“I am a merciful God particle,” said the Higgs boson.

New app for your car lets you swerve right for love Dating technology pairs soul mates via driving patterns MAX POWERS

with catfish schemes, perfect corresponding match, it pinduck lips, and double- points the location of your match relaentendre texts. But it tive to your location. Then the app doesn’t have to be. gives you two options: Swerve Right A company called to accept, or Brake Hard to deny.

LoveHurts Inc. is If you decide to follow your deshoping to change tiny by Swerving Right, your vehicle that experience for uses the built in GPS in your mobile commuters with their device to direct you to your happy new dating app titled ever after. If you decide to turn down Swerve Right. The your destiny by Braking Hard, the software uses feedback app will play “Someone Like You” by data from your driving Adele through your vehicle’s sound GRAPHIC BY CAROLINE NORMAN habits, car type, make system on repeat until the vehicle is and model to select a turned off.

Another fantastic option that inding your soulmate in this world perfect match from nearby drivers, can be a complex, complicated, giving you endless match possibilities. comes installed is the ability to send and disappointing experience filled Once Swerve Right finds the texts and video chat your match as

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soon as you’re paired. This not only claim the app led them to crash their takes away the need to approach a vehicles resulting in injury and propstranger, which is the hardest part for erty damage. many people, but it saves time – and But LoveHurts founder and CEO we all know that time is money.

Vinny Paci said that he isn’t conThe app will synchronize itself to cerned about the impending lawsuit. your mobile device to create a friendly “We like to think of it as more of and efficient dating experience. a ‘love-suit’ than a lawsuit. Whether The app was unveiled last week at it’s through a coffee date arranged the New York Auto Show. A num- through our app, a sponge-bath ber of major auto manufacturers have from your nurse after a catastrophic already partnered with the company accident, or even just someone you and are planning for every new car off meet in court when you sue us for their production lines to feature the damages, we’re all about bringing software starting this June. people together and making love Beta-testing for the new soft- connections.” ware has led to complaints and one class-action lawsuit from drivers who

Humans make contact with alien life, accidentally respond with dick pic NASAS intern says aliens will ‘get over it’ ELLE SODUB, STAFF

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PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE

esearchers at the National a week later: “Hmm, I don’t know.

Abstract Space Acronym We’re not that kind of intelligent life.”

NASAS intern Chad Grimsby was Society (NASAS) headquarters have confirmed the presence of left responsible for the command unit extraterrestrial intelligent life at star of the array for overnight monitoring. kappa-gamma-24601. Since October, scientists have been trying to deter“They seem to mine if an artificial object was orbiting the star after detecting unusual be ignoring our light patterns that did not match incoming messages those of known objects.

“We decided our best bet at deter- now” – William mining the true origins of this object Nemoy, chief was to listen to it using our Extremely Large Array Thing,” said William scientist, NASAS Nemoy, chief scientist of NASAS. “If there was indeed intelligent life there, we might be able to speak to “Our intern was responsible for them using the most fundamentally monitoring for incoming messages understood phrases across Earthling overnight. The protocol was to respond societies.” with the most basic form of acknowlIn late February, the array sent a edgement of the message as soon as message in the direction of the star: possible. Unfortunately, we did not “Starflix and chill?” think of how early twenty-somethingA response was received about year-old men typically respond to

these sorts of messages,” said Nemoy.

Upon receiving the message, Grimsby proceeded to send a dick pic.

“Yeahhh, no thank you,” was the response.

Grimsby then replied, “Send me some nudes? LOL.” “I just did what I normally would do when I receive messages late at night. I did not really think it through, but I figured if I was persistent enough I’d get somewhere with them,” he explained.

No further messages were exchanged between Earth and the inhabitants of star kappagamma-24601 that night.

“They seem to be ignoring our incoming messages now,” said Nemoy.

When asked how he felt about ruining Earth’s chances of connecting with the only other known sentient life in the universe so far, Grimsby said, “Whatever, they’ll get over it.”

VOL. 102 NO. 28 March 30, 2016

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You’re going to die one day: study New research shows that you’re not immortal no matter how many sit-ups you do SUDO SIENCE, STAFF

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t’s official. Scientists finally feel ready to confirm to the public that we will all die one day. And yes, that means you.

New research published in the Journal of Science says that as many as 100 per cent of all people will die eventually. The study, which was conducted by a team of researchers at over a dozen major universities, also noted that while cute things like puppies die, gross things like mosquitos die too.

“It’s shocking,” Shirley Wertherbee, the lead author of the study, told the Ivory Buffalo.

“I thought I was going to live forever. And now we get this news.”

The study was performed over a span of a year, and was relatively simple in methodology. Wertherbee and her students just hung out with a bunch of old living creatures and waited.

The study has caused varying reactions worldwide, and the Ivory Buffalo wanted to see how students on campus were reacting to the news.

“My innate sense of entitlement always told me that even though I knew other things died, I always, like,

assumed I wouldn’t,” Marco DiMilo, a second-year student in recreational studies, told the Ivory Buffalo.

“I still think that, though. Science can be kind of like, total baloney, right?”

While DiMilo is not correct, he certainly was passionate. He was not alone in that regard.

“Do whatever. Death is coming” – Shirley Wertherbee, lead researcher “What the hell am I eating this kale for, then?” said student Dee Fatone, who was in the process of photographing her meal for her Instagram account when approached by a reporter.

When the reporter suggested that maintaining one’s health was still a good idea, Fatone laughed and proceeded to dispose of the kale.

“Life is fleeting, and I’m gonna get crunk,” she added sagely, before pushing the reporter out of her way.

Wertherbee agrees that this approach is the most appropriate.

When asked how the everyday person reading the study should apply it to their everyday life, she shrugged.

“I would say approach it with the understanding that your life is unreasonably short, compared to the life of the Earth,” she said.

“You’re really just a speck of a speck on the ball of dust that is all of time.

Even though we think we have some sort of influence on the universe deep down, we don’t, because how could we?”

While this may sound dark, Wertherbee insists that it’s a good thing at the end of the day.

“Knowing that anything you do, good or bad, will eventually lead to your death, leads to a really sweet level of apathy,” she said.

“Do whatever. Death is coming.”

GRAPHIC BY PACKSON JOLLOCK

Vaccine fear correlates with mommy blogger uprising: report ‘Vax truther’ disease spreading rapidly among bored housewives SUDO SIENCE, STAFF

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accines have gotten a bad rap health issues such as autism have no for some time now. It seems like correlation. every day, another person who has Stultus proceeded to plug her done absolutely no research blames ears and yell incoherently. When vaccines for something new. This we gave up and put away the articles, being said, there finally seems to be she presented us with her proof: a a real correlation between vaccine printed-out article written in crayon discourse and the rise of a particularly by a doctor who seems to have no brutal plague: mommy bloggers. other published work on the internet.

Recent studies out of the University of Toronto shows a parallel rise between vaccines becoming a “I do not need to scapegoat for all ailments, and mothbe getting measles ers spreading “real truths” on the Internet through blogging platforms. in 2016, okay? This “This baseless impulse to point the finger at vaccines is frightening,” is ridiculous” – Mario Neentendu, co-author of the Ryanne Stultus, Jr. study, told the Ivory Buffalo.

“And the worst part is that we’re not sure what’s causing it yet.”

When Ryanne isn’t posting seemThe Ivory Buffalo spoke with ingly staged pictures of her son or mommy blogger Ryanne Stultus, paragraph-long rambles about merwhose blog “What Are They cury levels in things, she spiffs up her REALLY Up To???” boasts 40,000 blog in other ways – particularly with followers. advertisements.

When asked who “They” are, “Autism used to just be scary,” Stultus laughed.

Ryanne told the Ivory Buffalo.

“You really don’t know? They. You “Now it’s scary and profitable!” know, the bad guys. The doctors who When asked if she felt that she invented vaccines so they could turn was possibly capitalizing on the fears all our toddlers into zombie drones.” of fellow mothers, she asked us what We then presented Stultus with “capitalizing” meant and took a selfie. a myriad of published studies that Her son, six-year-old Ryanne Jr, have shown that vaccines and mental seems less enthused about the situa-

PHOTO BY EVANGELINE MACSCOTIA

tion. When asked about his mother’s devotion to exposing the cruel lies of the medical industry, he threw his LEGO bricks to the ground in frustration.

“You know I got measles, right?” he told the Ivory Buffalo.

“I do not need to be getting measles

in 2016, OK? This is ridiculous.”

Stultus’s oddly eloquent toddler makes a good point. His mother, however, thinks otherwise.

“I generally do whatever Jenny McCarthy tells me to do,” she said, looking at herself in a mirror.

“You know she was on Oprah talk-

ing about vaccines, right? And you can’t lie on Oprah. It’s against the law.”

McCarthy, who you would think had some level of higher education in the subject of immunization, but surprisingly does not, could not be reached for comment.

Diversions Graphics Editor: Bram Keast Contact: graphics@themanitoban.com

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GRAPHIC BY PACKSON JOLLOCK

COMIC BY NICOLETTE NUYTTEN

COMIC BY EGGYSY MCBIRDINGTON

VOL. 102 NO. 28 March 30, 2016

Diversions

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eatlesscomics.blogspot.com

STEREOSCOPE by Nakfactorium

Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture Editor: Seamus Hamilton-Pattison Contact: arts@themanitoban.com

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U of M student leaves recorder in Tache Hall for a day, releases result as an album Local ambient/experimental musician unveils the Desaultalbum TAFFY MCLAUGHLIN

PHOTO BY MURV BERKLEY

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or all the talented graduates to emerge from the University of Manitoba Marcel B. Desautels faculty of musical studies, the program

has never broken new musical ground like this before. Brett Van-Wolfe – a local ambient/experimental musician and student of the faculty – revealed

the details of his latest project to the Ivory Buffalo – the Desaultalbum.

An eight-hour musical odyssey, the Desaultalbum consists of nothing

but the ambient noise Van-Wolfe collected by leaving a handheld Tascam recorder in a hallway on the fourth floor of Tache Hall, which houses the faculty of musical studies, on a randomly selected school day between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.

“It’s an all-natural approach to creating like I’ve never tried before,” Van-Wolfe told the Ivory Buffalo.

“You just put the recorder down, hit ‘record’ and, well, there it is. And that’s all there is.”

The Ivory Buffalo asked Van-Wolfe if he felt the album’s daunting length might scare away potential listeners.

“Hardly,” the artist scoffed.

“My last release – which I consider my own magnum opus – was a 20-disc, 20-hour post-ambient/ drone-step conceptual album performed on a broken microwave and theremin [...] I actually feel bad about how mainstream I’m going with this one.”

Award-winning local music journalist Bert Chives is, thus far, the only person to receive an advance copy of the Desaultalbum.

“This one’s a real game-changer, folks – the Desaultalbum just set a new standard for avant-garde music,”

Chives wrote in his glowing review.

“The first hour sets a dishevelled, brooding atmosphere with a cacophony of footsteps, heavy breathing, and the sloshing of coffee. Things quiet down for the next hour or three, but just wait until you hear the beautifully off-time piano arpeggio in C minor, cut short by the unconventional modal shifts you can hear the player intermittently refer to as ‘stupid motherfucking stubby-finger fuck-ups’ throughout the following 30 minutes.”

Other highlights Chives pointed out from this burgeoning experimental work were the “wonderfully chaotic contrast” between trumpet mouthpiece warmups and the chorus from a glee club-style rendition of Cheap Trick’s “Surrender,” as well as a “wild, squealing” clarinet line, over which an authoritative voice proclaimed – through several linguistically colourful metaphors – just how much the player in question sucked.

Physical copies of the Desaultalbum will only be available at select, ultraexclusive record stores run out of suburban basements.

New musical Yuge! balances charming underdog’s tale with hateful satire Finally, a play for our political climate RON D. TRAIL

after this tune, however, that Yuge! really gets interesting, and everything takes a turn for the dark when the hypothetical realities of each candidate’s presidency are acted out.

Yuge! is a play that will make Broadway great again. That’s its goal, and it’s one that Yuge! is definitely pursuing

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roadway, much like the American political landscape, has become a soulless, corporatized establishment.

Fortunately, the new musical Yuge! – playing through November at New York City’s Transistor Town Music Hall – is breaking the old, timetested traditions of musical theatre and eschewing linear, sensible storytelling to result in a passionate, alternately inspiring and hate-filled spectacle chock full of that classic

NYC attitude.

The plot of Yuge! is centred on the play’s protagonists, Sanderson and Drumpf, two plucky businessmen from the Big Apple who have grown disenchanted with their nation’s politics. Though their ideas fundamentally clash, Sanderson and Drumpf both vow to run for president, knowing that no matter who wins, there are going to be some serious changes.

Backed by an ensemble cast of

armchair philosophers, trust-fund hippies, and Rolling Stone magazine subscribers, Sanderson announces his bid for the presidency to a triumphant, folksy number. The refrain of this one – “We ought, we ought, we ought to take it to the supreme cawt” – will stick in your head for weeks.

Drumpf ’s subsequent number is significantly weaker, sounding like a complete rip-off of Scar’s song “Be Prepared” from The Lion King. It is

First of all – and without spoiling any major plot points – this reviewer is just going to come out and say it: there’s way too much Nazi symbolism in the musical from this point on. It seems to simply come out of nowhere, suddenly surrounding Drumpf each time he takes the stage.

The small allusions to some sort of fascist edge to Drumpf ’s character were a little amusing and wonderfully rabble-rousing in the beginning, but a blatantly honest display of hate propaganda such as this is concerning.

In this latter half of the play, Sanderson is not portrayed in such a horrifying light as “The Drumpf,” but his story ends no better. The curtain closes on a stark tableau of a hopelessly optimistic Sanderson being clubbed to death by a gang of

old men wearing t-shirts emblazoned with the logo “CON-GRESS.” The weirdness of Yuge! even extends to its seating arrangements.

Upon ticket purchase, each patron is asked “Sanderson or Drumpf?” If the audience member answers with “Sanderson,” they are allowed to pay by donation, and are seated in plain, mildly uncomfortable wooden chairs crafted from 100 per cent reclaimed wood. If, however, the audience member replies with “Drumpf,” they will be charged $200 per ticket (plus convenience fees, gratuities, and adjustments for inflation) and escorted to sections marked as the Drumpf Platinum Club, at which they will enjoy bottle service and regular massages while seating in diamond-encrusted, gold-plated armchairs.

It’s hard to give a good, bad, or remotely specific review to Yuge!, but to borrow Drumpf ’s own rhetorical swagger – Yuge! is a play that will make Broadway great again. That’s its goal, and it’s one that Yuge! is definitely pursuing – plus, they’re gonna love it over in China.

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Arts & Culture

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New Instagram selfie studio provides optimal minimalist setting for local hipsters # provides perfect #selfies ALASKA QUINOA-JUNO

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he art of the minimalistic Instagram feed has taken social media by storm and Holden Portland, the Winnipeg Instagram artist behind @thingsinfrontofwhitewalls, has beaten out the popular Instagram feeds of social media celebs Cam Cardashienne, Keyboard Cat, and local hero Dancing Gabe (with his barely there posts).

Portland’s studio, simply called #, is located in the heart of Winnipeg’s Exchange District. The Instagram studio consists of three white walls and a window of full sunlight to ensure perfectly-lit pictures. At first Portland planned on opening a coffee shop, but he changed his business plan when hipsters began flocking to his empty space in droves.

“Not only did I save money on repurposed palette tables, but I also started making money by imple-

menting a cover charge,” Portland of the trade.” told the Ivory Buffalo. #’s opening week featured a guest With that, # Instagram Studio appearance from world-renowned was born. competitive latte artist Ricky “The The studio is currently BYOP Bean” Rigatoni.

(Bring Your Own Props), but # is “The taste isn’t really up to par, but hoping to feature works from local by the time you get the perfect angle artists in the future. of his world-famous mason jar pea“We have been talking to local cock latte, the drink is cold anyways,” boutiques such as Mildly Annoyed Portland told the Ivory Buffalo.

Pheasant, Timid Squirrel, and If you are feeling as though your Orange Lantern, hoping that they Instagram feed is up to par to become can set up a table of overpriced knick- a hipster, # also is there to help you knacks,” said Portland. look the part.

“We want to be a one stop InstaEvery Second Tuesday of Every shop in the future.”

Month That Has Less Than Six Letters Portland also let the Ivory Buffalo (ESTEMTHLTSL) is a new art in on #’s plans for some upcoming program featured in the exchange workshops, once the studio’s initial where you can bring your own ink popularity starts to die down. and needle and the artist will stick“We have local Instagram filter and-poke a Flash tattoo in exchange guru @fadeexposuresharpen com- for a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. # is also in the process of providing in to teach us the tips and tricks

PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KROVIGNE

ing an appropriate wardrobe for the perfect hipster selfie, and Portland is no stranger to taking his friends’ portraits in front of white walls.

“We will have a collection of plaid

shirts, Blundstones, vintage band tees, and toques available to choose from. It’s just like playing dress-up, the only difference is that the likes will be flowing.”

Stand-up comic Jerry Seinfeld co-authors book about nothing Four Manhattanites co-author a modern-day classic TOBIAS NEWMAN

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ociety makes us believe in the measurement of things and the accuracy of those measurements.

Everything is preplanned, calculated, and recalculated. We believe that the essence of life is in the fullness of it.

This is the blueprint of civilization, religion, democracy, and all that yada yada yada.

However, four people – broadminded simpletons – have rejected this fallacy. They created a special world, one that is void of both depth and comprehensiveness, and shared it with the rest of us in the form of a book – The Book About Nothing.

The Book About Nothing is a

modern-day classic co-written by that sense, the book is a re-gifting. emptiness and unformatted nature of four Manhattanites – Jerry Seinfeld, Frankly speaking, the book high- the pages are unorthodox and novel.

Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, lights the need for serenity now and There will probably never be a book and George for us to giddy like this – one without words, picConstanza. up and remain tures or graphics, one entirely filled There is something in Once focused. There with and about nothing. strangers, the is something That being said, everyone – the this book – especially three friends in this book – high talkers, low-talkers and close the chapter about (and Kramer) especially the talkers – will find this book very dared to delve chapter about relatable. pretzels – that will into issues pretzels – that make the reader t h at g re at will make the philosophers reader thirsty thirsty for more like Norman for more.

Cupperty, Wo The Book Kiars, and Getta Maface, have strug- About Nothing showcases the intengled to wrap around their finger. In tions and beliefs of the authors. The

GRAPHIC BY NOT JONDELL

World’s first Marvel-themed park set to open in Winnipeg Marvel’s monetizing rolls on with new superhero park CHRIS CHRISWORTH

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GRAPHIC BY NOT JONDELL

umor has it that an exciting new theme park is set to open in Winnipeg this summer. The Ivory Buffalo can confirm the truth behind these hearsays – MarvelLand is indeed coming to Winnipeg.

This summer is going to be the biggest yet for the city of Winnipeg.

There are so many great things that are on the verge of happening over the next few months – from Paul the Octopus’s visit to the Assiniboine Zoo to the relocation of the Apple headquarters from Cupertino, CA

to our very own Exchange District.

That being said, the opening of the world’s first MarvelLand is the most exciting of the summer events.

It all began when Winnipeg-born entrepreneur and philanthropist Porketta Full took her kids to see The Avengers back in 2012. A mere visit to the cinema turned into one of Full’s biggest ideas.

“That movie changed my life.

Watching all those superheroes – Iron Man, Captain America, Thor – do great things made me believe in the

impossible,” said Full.

“The only problem was I bought the wrong tickets. They were not 3D tickets. So that was not cool but then, I got the idea. Why see a movie in 3D, when you can see it in real life?”

With that thought, Full got her people to contact Disney’s head office.

Since then, the ball has been rolling and now the stage is set for Winnipeg to be the first home of MarvelLand.

The MarvelLand theme park will include exhibitions, concerts, stage shows, and live performances of the

full Marvel experience. The park will showcase all Marvel characters and will run throughout the summer months every year.

The likes of Hobie McGwire, Jack Hughman, Emily Granite and a few other actors who have worked with the American production company Marvel Entertainment will be making scheduled appearances over the course of the summer.

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Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture Editor: Seamus Hamilton-Pattison Contact: arts@themanitoban.com

Winnipeg superhero to get bigbudget Hollywood film adaptation Marvel’s Snow-Man to be filmed primarily in character’s hometown of Winnipeg LOR-EL LUTHOR

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ccording to new reports, Marvel Studios’ next big superhero franchise will begin filming in Winnipeg later this year. The film is slated for a winter release in 2017, and will feature one of Marvel’s coolest characters yet: the Winnipeg-born Snow-Man.

was trapped inside his childhood home with his family for two weeks without power.

The event took a heavy emotional toll on Stanley. Writing frantically one night in the midst of the storm – in what his wife Linda referred to as a “haze of booze mixed with deep self-loathing, while he proclaimed that ‘humanity would never truly understand the extent of its own folly,’” – something magical happened. Snow-Man was born, and three months later, the first issue was published.

GRAPHIC BY PACKSON JOLLOCK Snow-Man’s vast array of powers include invulnerability to fatally The comic inception of Snow-Man cold temperatures, a lasting (and dates back to Winnipeg in March quite frankly, delusional) hope that 1966 when creator and writer Lee “spring is just around the corner,” and Stanley, while visiting relatives in the ability to spout off colourful and the city, accidentally found himself creative profanities on his morning caught up in one of the largest bliz- commute while swerving to avoid the zards Winnipeg had ever seen and massive pot holes left in winter’s wake.

Snow-Man’s most defining charac- pen pal Ditto Stevens, and following ter trait is an unwavering bitterness millions of tax dollars spent excavattowards anyone residing in Toronto ing the New Mexico site, the execuor Vancouver who consider anything tives finally unearthed Winnipeg’s below 0 degrees Celsius to be “cold.” lost hero.

Reviews of the early series were In a move that some have referred tepid with reviewers calling the first to as “definitely blackmail,” the issue “atrocious” and “a bizarre fever Winnipeg executives eventually mandream, perhaps influenced by the aged to convince Marvel of Snowauthor’s delirium from not having Man’s cinematic potential and the left his house for two weeks straight.” rest, as they say, is history.

Indeed, that first comic was to The film’s director Garry Durbano serve as both Snow-Man’s grand is reportedly confident that, despite debut and swan song. Following its Snow-Man’s somewhat obscure orirelease, the character would remain gins, the film will undoubtedly please buried for over 49 years after Marvel audiences worldwide and put the literally tried to bury every single great city of Winnipeg on the map. known copy of the comic in a New Mexico landfill. Fate, however, had Snow-Man will be storming into a theother plans for our hero. atre near you in winter of 2017.

Last year, local Winnipeg film executives caught wind of the character’s existence from one of Lee Stanley’s leaked prison letters to his

VOL. 102 NO. 28 March 30, 2016

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Sports Sports Editor: Mike Still Contact: sports@themanitoban.com

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Tom Brady’s rings stolen: Peyton Manning the prime suspect More drama from the NFL following Monday night break-in at Brady’s residence PARTOV FLOWERS, STAFF

PHOTO BY CHAVRIL KOVIGNE

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ate Monday night, reports came out of Foxborough, Mass. that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s house had been robbed.

Police reports indicated that Brady’s four Super Bowl rings were the only items missing from the site. Brady’s agent immediately took to Twitter and to accuse recently retired quar-

terback Peyton Manning.

We all know of the rivalry between these two, but to think that Manning would go and steal Brady’s rings right after winning one of his own definitely seems outlandish. Apparently, however, it may be true.

“We believe that Manning is the perpetrator,” said Boston chief of

police Stan Donut. “There have been many rumours out there that we have to take seriously.”

The news came as a shock, as many see Manning as a lovable, all-American quarterback who would never do such a thing.

“There is some substance to these rumours,” Donut said. “Peyton

Manning is our top suspect and we will pursue our leads.”

Brady himself was too distraught to speak to the media on Tuesday but a spokesperson said that Brady will stop at nothing to get his rings back.

“Tom is very upset about this whole ordeal,” spokesman Ball De Flatey said. “He worked very hard to get

those rings.”

Manning’s party declined to comment. However, a close friend of his said Manning has a solid alibi.

“Peyton was out drinking Budweisers with his friends at a Papa John’s in Denver,” the unnamed friend said. “He just wanted to celebrate his Super Bowl win.”

Heading in the right direction NFL head, neck, and spine committee passes unanimous motion to remove helmets from the game BEEZUS YEEZUS, STAFF

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his past week, the NFL head, Merman stated, “This way, it will be cussion-like symptoms. According any longer,” Merman said. neck, and spine committee much easier to identify head injuries. to Merman, the test was a massive Feedback from the players also passed a monumental motion which We as a committee felt that helmets success. appeared to be positive. Fern Noggin, will see helmets removed from the were simply cona nose tackle with game for the upcoming season. voluting the prothe Pittsburgh “Once the other leagues see the impact that Steelers, was one The decision, according to chair- cess and now there person Herman Merman, was years will no longer be of the individuals the change has had, I’m completely confident diagnosed in the making. any questions as with “We’ve been trying to get the ball to whether or not that they’ll do the same” – Herman Merman concussion-like rolling on this motion for at least five someone has a symptoms after years,” Merman said. “It’s a huge concussion.” the trial, but still relief to see it finally get the green The NFL tested out the new regu“For decades, the league has strug- had nothing but good things to say light.” lation in a trial yesterday. Four teams gled to admit that concussions are a about the change.

When asked what the rationale participated and there were a whop- problem. Based on the findings from “I can see clearly now – the rain was for the change in equipment, ping 48 players diagnosed with con- our trial, this shouldn’t be an issue is gone. I can see all obstacles in the

way,” Noggin said, before spinning around in a circle three times and passing out.

When asked what Merman’s thoughts were on potentially removing helmets from other leagues, such as the NHL, he said, “it’s only a matter of time.”

“Once the other leagues see the impact that the change has had, I’m completely confident that they’ll do the same,” Merman said.

VOL. 102 NO. 28 March 30, 2016

Sports

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Italian Soccer Association passes motion to replace soccer balls with meatballs The game of soccer takes a culinary turn PARTOV FLOWERS, STAFF

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n a press conference on Tuesday it was announced that the Italian Soccer Association (ISA) would do away with conventional soccer balls and replace them with meatballs.

“We just have so many of them here in Italy,” said Luca Macaroni, president of the ISA. “It made the most sense financially to go ahead with this decision.”

It was a unanimous vote, with all members of the executive committee agreeing to go ahead and make the switch from soccer balls to meatballs.

“We were all in agreement,” Macaroni said. “It was not a hard

motion to pass, as everyone seemed to be licking their lips at the idea.”

A tasty prospect indeed, the rule will be put in place for the upcoming season across all leagues in Italy. This new rule also allows for teams to cook up and supply their own meatballs.

“We think this will be the best way to see who is the best at not only making meatballs, but playing with them as well,” Macaroni said.

Fans should be delighted with this new rule, as unlike with conventional soccer balls, any ball kicked into the stands is free for them to consume.

“This will really increase fan

attendance in the lower divisions,” Macaroni said. “It might be a bit of a mess to get hit by one, but that’s really going to be part of the fun of it.”

The Italians believe they are taking a big step forward with this decision and it will be an interesting story to follow next season. The Italians are known for their exquisite meatballs, but the Swedes are not too far behind with their own.

GRAPHIC BY EGGSY MCBIRDINGTON

Chrystal Clear: Denying the opposition both on and off the field

My Messi will go on Sepp Blatter sinks FIFA cruise ship TAI CHUNG, STAFF

Bisons goaltender firmly focused on soccer and nothing else BEEZUS YEEZUS, STAFF

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PHOTO BY GERALDINE WAY

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his past season was a memorable one for Chrystal Clear, as the fourth-year netminder posted the league’s top save percentage and was named conference MVP. Her 12-2 record was also the best in the Canada West. Teams had immense difficulty getting the ball past her this season, but what was even more difficult was getting to know the woman behind the jersey.

It’s not difficult to figure out why Clear decided to play goalie, as it appears she has tremendous experience in shutting people down.

Inquiring about what the future holds for Clear was also a useless question, as she ducked around any non-soccer related questions and instead reverted back to the pitch.

“I just want to be the best that I can at my position and hopefully go as far as possible in the sport.

Ideally I’d like to make it to the pros in a few years,” Clear said.

Attempting to determine Clear’s other hobbies also resulted in a dead end. She refused to open up to the subject.

“I’m pretty dead set on my train-

ing. It’s a six-day a week schedule and doesn’t leave me much time for anything else. I can’t be bogged down by other distractions,” Clear said.

“I’m looking forward to putting in more work this offseason and doing my absolute best to further this team’s success in 2016-17.”

Clear is a take-no-nonsense individual whose one and only love is soccer. For her coaching staff and teammates, it’s a blessing, but for others, it’s an unfortunate curse.

IFA recently launched a cruise half, fingers were pointed at Arsene ship to serve its finest members. Wenger for not hiring the best chief The ship was a spectacle, espe- executive of emergencies. Wenger cially to Chelsea fans, since it was tried to convince everyone that he designed to honour Blues defender could have signed the best in the Branislav Ivanovic. Unfortunately, world. Instead, he overpaid for a the ship began to sink after sustain- kid no one had ever heard of. ing extensive bite marks from Luis As Blatter lay upon a piece of Suarez. driftwood from the dismantled The RMS FIFA was quickly RMS FIFA, he had Messi hangapproaching its watery fate under ing on by his side. Little that Blatter guidance of ship captain Sepp knew, Messi was drowning – his Blatter. It did not help the situ- four Ballon D’Or trophies weighation that during the emergency, ing him down. However, Messi’s Blatter demanded to take Lionel life was eventually saved, with Xavi Messi into a first-class suite to draw and Iniesta there to assist. him like one of his French girls.

Part of the Barcelona squad Before everyone evacuated the showed up in a lifeboat, and were ship, Blatter had to free German ready to jump into the water to goalkeeper Manuel Neuer from hand Messi a life jacket. Sergio the ship’s prison. Neuer had been Busquets dove first. Neymar was arrested for burglary in many of splashed gently by a wave of water the suites, making victims out of and began to have seizures.

Wayne Rooney, Gonzalo Higuain, Before Messi climbed into the and Cristiano Ronaldo. As it boat, Blatter gave Messi’s Golden turned out, robbing strikers was a Balls a kiss and whispered, “I’ll specialty of his. never let go.”

As the ship began breaking in