Joke 1 April 2015

MANITOBAN the

THE OFFICIALest UNIVERSITY OF MANITOBA STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER

News News

News

Trapped in the tunnels

Trailblazer blitz

Admin admits cuts are nuts

U1 student survives on snacks and stolen scraps

Demonstrators under fire after campus fire frenzy

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Page 7

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Cuts stopped

Arts & Culture

Catastrophic collaboration Local band breaks up within 20 minutes of conception Page 15

Science

Hate us 'cause they anus

Tale as old as time

New suppositories hit the market with mASS appeal

A definitive review of the world's most shoplifted book

Page 10

Page 14

Sports

News

Uniter drops the ball

Business as usual

Another fumble in the U of W’s sports coverage

Asper students refuse to revise ritual

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Vo l 1 0 1 · N o 5 7 · A p r i l 1 , 2 0 1 5 · w w w.t h e m an i to b an .co m

Arts & Culture

Science

Plate-lets Students discover you are what you eat Page 11

Index

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VOL. 101 NO. 57 April 1, 2015

Editor-in-Chief Fraser Nelund

editor@themanitoban.com / 474.8293

Business manager Angela England

accounts@themanitoban.com / 474.6535

Advertising Coordinator Sara Bulloch

ads@themanitoban.com / 474.6535

Editorial

Senior News Editor Dana Hatherly

news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

News Editor Ethan Cabel

news@themanitoban.com/ 474.6770

Comment Editor Tom Ingram

comment@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Managing Editor Craig Adolphe

me@themanitoban.com / 474.6520

science & technology Editor Chantelle Dubois

science@themanitoban.com/ 474.6529

arts & Culture Editor Lauren Siddall

arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Sports Editor Mike Still

sports@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Copy Editor Carlyn Schellenberg

copy@themanitoban.com/ 474.6520

NEws

News

Science

U of M is a zoo

Breaking news

Tenure tantrum

Assiniboine Park no longer the lone wolf

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University students riot after paper publishes controversial content

page 3

U of M now home of world's youngest professor thanks to his groundbreaking agereversing research page 10

Design

Design Editor Bradly Wohlgemuth

design@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

Graphics Editor Bram Keast

graphics@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

Photo Editor Carolyne Kroeker

photo@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

design associate Scott Ford

scott@themanitoban.com

graphics associate Evan Tremblay

evan@themanitoban.com

Reporters

News Seamus Hamilton-Pattison News vacant Science Jeremiah Yarmie arts & culture Ian T.D. Thomson arts & culture Alana Trachenko Sports Andy Che Assistant copy editor Kristy Hourd

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To infinity and beyond

Authentically appeasing

No longer active

page 15

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Thoughts on David Foster Wallace's massive masterpiece, Infinite Jest

A review of UMSUshi

U of M's new gym to close yet again

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Students and other interested parties are invited to contribute to any section of the newspaper. Please contact the appropriate editor for submission guidelines. The Manitoban reserves the right to edit all submissions and will not publish any material deemed by its editorial board to be discriminatory, racist, sexist, homophobic or libellous. Opinions expressed in letters and articles are solely those of the authors. Editorials in the Manitoban are signed and represent the opinions of the writer(s), not necessarily those of the Manitoban staff, Editorial Board, or the publisher.

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News

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Senior News Editor: Dana Hatherly News Editor: Ethan Cabel Contact: news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

Manitoban editor-in-chief fired The Manitoban’s editor-in-chief terminated due to multiple accounts of misconduct Raoul Duke, staff

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ader Felon, the Manitoban’s editorin-chief, will not be returning to his position next year due to multiple allegations of misconduct from staff and volunteers.

Felon, who has held the position for three consecutive years, was terminated in a unanimous decision by the paper’s editorial board.

Reasons cited by the board for Felon’s dismissal include (but are not

limited to) his apparent unawareness day this thing is actually supposed to the sports section and had subsethat he was responsible for running be printed,” said Sidney Lorette, arts quently attempted to submit numerthe paper, subsequent firing and and culture editor for the Manitoban. ous obscene cartoons to sports editor re-hiring of the paper’s Marco Stilton. section editors once he “I mean, he did evenrealized he was, and tually realize that he was “How am I supposed to explain this rampant money launthe boss and stopped to future employers?” – Manitoban dering through the trying to submit those publication. things to me,” Stilton sports editor Marco Stilton “We missed, like, a said. year’s worth of dead“That’s where the next lines as soon as he started working For the first year of his employ- problem began. He immediately went here because he thought he was just ment, Felon had worked under the nuts with power and fired a section a reporter! I don’t even know what impression that he was a reporter for editor every week. I mean, we all

got brought back sooner or later, but how am I supposed to explain this to future employers?”

While most of Felon’s actions simply contributed to his termination, the Manitoban is preparing to report criminal activity to the Winnipeg Police Service. Felon laundered money through the Manitoban – money that he had gained through the highly illegal importation and sale of live pandas to affluent homeowners in Linden Woods.

The Uniter tears University of Winnipeg campus apart U of W students upset after student paper releases April Fool’s issue full of news Murv Berkley

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niversit y of Winnipeg students were furious this morning after they opened the newest issue of their student paper, the Uniter, only to find the paper full of news.

The paper took all of the space normally reserved for band reviews and profiles—which normally comprise roughly 98 per cent of content—and replaced it with news, in the paper’s 2015 April Fool’s issue.

The Uniter’s managing editor told the Manitoban that the decision to replace local band profiles with news was made by the paper’s editorial board and was only meant to be

a joke, but the university community is not taking it that way.

Jesse Khaeriki, first-year political science major, was confused when he first picked up the paper.

“There wasn’t any local bands on the cover. I was just thinking, ‘That’s weird.’ But I thought they must’ve just been on the inside,” he said.

Khaeriki’s confusion turned to anger as he flipped through the paper, through pages of informative news relevant to his experience as a student, unable to find a single review of a local underground punk band.

“It’s absolutely ludicrous,” Khaeriki said.

“I pick up the Uniter for profiles of obscure local bands. If I want to

see in-depth, well-researched sto- burned Uniter newsstands through ries about education-related decisions the city, after they published their from the provincial government or to second issue of the year without a be kept abreast of important political local band centrefold. developments pertinent to student The situation escalated on Oct. 22, life at the University of Winnipeg, when two staff members—a beatI’ll check the Manitoban.” reporter and the paper’s city editor— Peter Vanditch, University of were taken hostage.

Winnipeg Students’ Association The hostage situation was ultivice-president student issues, called mately resolved, after a 46-hour for peaceful negotiations between stand-off with police, which saw students and the Uniter. kidnappers barricade themselves “We’ve been here before. We’ve inside of Wesley Hall, vowing to seen these tensions flare up. But we not let anyone go until a new issue of can work through this,” said Vanditch, the Uniter was published featuring referring to an incident late last year “a centrefold spotlight of an underwhen the Uniter experienced a rash appreciated klezmer/folk band.” of vandalism.

In October, disgruntled readers photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

New poll finds most political science students unelectable Voters think that people who study politics are terrible Murv Berkley

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new poll by Internal ship may hold true in other countries Over 85 per cent of respondents in new generation of political leaders Polling found that as well. the Intenal poll said they “disliked had to offer,” and 95 per cent said they most political sci“Expanding the research to look the sycophantic, manipulative, and “couldn’t stand the excessive platience students are at other countries would be an inter- power-hungry traits displayed by tudes and double-speak employed unelectable. esting step,” said by political science The poll investi- Tiffany Grant, students seeking “It’s not clear if terrible people decide to gated which factors were most likely vice-president elected office.” to influence which people seek elected of research at Daria Sochek, enter political science when they come office, and which factors influence Internal Polling. third-year politiwho the electorate was most likely “We think the cal science student to university, or if something about to support. general revulsion at the University studying political science just makes Ninety-two per cent of respon- towards people of Winnipeg, said dents said that they would never who like politics that she both those students awful” – Tiffany Grant, vote for a political science student or so much they agreed and disInternal Polling vice-president of research graduate in an election. want to study it agreed with the The trend holds true across exclusively may polls findings. all major universities in Canada, be a universal “I think the although the relationship was phenomenon, but we just can’t say political science students.” Seventy- thing we need to remember is that strongest in the Western provinces. for sure with the sample frame we’ve one per cent said that “political sci- politicians serve at the behest of Researchers predict that the relation- drawn from.” ence students represent the worst a the people – and that’s an honour

bestowed on very few. This poll certainly demonstrates the will of the people. The people are always right.

However, it’s a great responsibility to serve. Because the children are our future,” she said.

Although the results show a strong relationship between studying political science and being unelectable, the causality is not 100 per cent conclusive.

“We’re not sure about the order,” said Grant.

“It’s not clear if terrible people decide to enter political science when they come to university, or if something about studying political science just makes those students awful. But we know the relationship exists. I mean they’re just the worst, aren’t they?”

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News

Senior News Editor: Dana Hatherly News Editor: Ethan Cabel Contact: news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

Campus buildings combust

UWSA minds own business Association does not stick its nose anywhere all week Summeg Ai

Trailblazers blaze more than trails after hosting pioneering event

T Liz Danish

he University of marking their settlement.

Manitoba’s trailUnfortunately that fire was not blazer initiative has put out before the flames flourished sparked criticism out of control, igniting Duff Roblin after some U of M and the president’s residence in the community mem- process. bers took to the name of the cam“Does the president actually live paign a little too literally, taking fire there?” asked third-year education to the brush along the Red River, student Paul Belding. It was the igniting Duff Roblin and the presi- second major fire to occur in Duff dent’s residence.

Roblin since the “I am barely spring of 2009.

“I am barely 18 18 years old,” All residents said Randolph of Duff Roblin years old. We are Ludwig, a firstare expected to year pre-history return to their pioneers, and student. “We “trailer village” we might be are pioneers, in the parkand we might ing lot behind visionaries, but be visionaries, Elizabeth we did not see but we did not Dafoe Library see this coming.” for an undethis coming” — Hundreds of termined Randolph Ludwig, demonstrators amount of time.

University attended the first-year preevent, many of officials said it them hauling would likely be history student jerry cans of longer than the formaldehyde last time psyfrom the laboratories in Duff chologists had to test their own psyRoblin to the riverbanks, using chological will under the confines the solution to maintain their fires. of the “trailer village” following the Driftwood and tree branches in last fire in that building. the hands of demonstrators were As an immediate precautionary then torched. With their burning measure, all buildings within 800 wood raised in salute, participants metres were evacuated and the fire took to the brush, blazing trails was isolated for nearly one kilomealong the banks behind Wallace tre in all directions. building, to the Southwood Lands, There have been no reported and back, staking their claims by injuries, but several people reported pitting fire against the wild in the respiratory issues, and throat and name of education. nasal irritation. Other trailblazers After circling back, demonstra- said their egos were smothered. tors stacked their burning branches,

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photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

he University of take responsibility for things that every single day would be a testaWinnipeg Students’ are not their responsibility. ment to solidarity over whatever “We feel like we really dropped issues they hit on their dartboard, Association did not organize a single the ball,” said the president. “We’ll and that the importance of the event last week. make up for it next week; we’re issues would escalate as the week “We thought it organizing a rally every day, seven progressed. might be a good idea to take a week in a row.”

When asked what issues the ral- The UWSA is holding a rally each off of saving the world,” the president of the University of Winnipeg lies would be organized around, the day of the coming week. Students Students’ Association with nothing better to (U WSA) told the do are encouraged to UWSA executives have taken Manitoban. participate. Monday’s event will be dedicated “A lot of effort went responsibility for their failure into planning the to raising awareness for to take responsibility for things hiatus.” auto-flatulent-inhalation Facing criticism for disorder, Tuesday’s is that aren’t their responsibility limiting their activdedicated to saving kittens from experimentation, ities to UWSA business over the course of the week, president said that the purpose of and the rest are to be announced. the UWSA executives have taken most of the gatherings had yet to be responsibility for their failure to finalized. He assured students that

Mobile-trailblazers University to roll out drive-through diploma program Murv Berkley

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he University of delivery.

Manitoba’s departUltimately, the department ment of distance hopes to be able to provide each and online educa- student with their degree within tion has announced 20 minutes of entering their order. new plans for a Vanessa Geary, associate dean drive-through diploma to be imple- of the department of distance and mented in the 2017 fall semester. online education, said that the The administration is calling the move was part of the department’s new diploma the “mobile-trailblazers mandate to make education more program” and said it will be a benefit accessible to U of M students. for students who learn “on the go.”

“Some students just don’t have The new mini-campus will be the time to come sit in a classroom located at 2127 Pembina Avenue. or read a book. We want them to Students in the new program know that you don’t need to share will be able to complete a diploma space with an expert to learn. in psychology, philosophy, or inter- Fifteen minutes in a repurposed national trade. The department carwash ought to do it.” already has plans to expand the Geary said that if the driveeducation menu, but said that they through diploma proves successful, limited the program’s scope to a few the university will look at estabpopular items for its pilot year, while lishing a variety of mini-campuses they work out kinks in education throughout the city for greater stu-

dent convenience.

Another project, still in its infancy, is an automated conveyor belt system which the administration said would completely automate the learning process.

“Ideally, we can take any sense of independence or critical thinking out of it. That’s the ultimate goal,” said Theo Dilev, assistant to the U of M’s vice-president of product development.

“We’re not quite there yet. It’ll require a lot of infrastructure upgrades, but it’s something we’re definitely looking into.”

Students have had a mixed reaction to the announcement.

University 1 student Helga O’Wasi said she was open to the process.

“I’ll try anything if it gets me out of here sooner.”

VOL. 101 NO. 57 April 1, 2015

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CFS trademarks ‘student movement’ UMSU ends up UM-sued after hosting student activist night Dwight Dorite

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he C a n a d i a n vice-president social justice Becky adding that he was honoured to host Federation of Students Koolkat told the Manitoban that they “a great outlet for students to release is taking the University changed the name immediately once their radical energies.” of Manitoba Students’ they realized their error – but not When asked if they would be taking Union to court this before the CFS filed a complaint stances in solidarity with students on week over an alleged against UMSU. any front, Trudeau maintained that copyright infringement.

UMSU will remain neutral on all issues, The Canadian Federation of even, as he called it, CFS’s initiative to Students (CFS) claims that they “‘Student movement’ is “effectively monetize the intellectual trademarked the term “student the first in a long line of property of the student struggle.” movement” back in 1989 and that the trademarking. The next Trudeau told the Manitoban that union cannot use the term without in line is ‘solidarity,’ then UMSU had contacted CFS immethe express permission of the CFS. diately upon realizing their mistake, ‘resistance,’ and soon Under the Copyright Act, the CFS saying that they had not received email trademarked the term, giving them students will have to communication back from CFS, but full ownership over the expression request our permission to that UMSU did receive a package “student movement” in any context. in the mail. That package included protest” – Bartholomew Last Friday, the University of a stack of legal documents pertainMeow, CFS staffer Manitoba Students’ Union (UMSU) ing to the lawsuit against them, and a CFS hat. presented “A Night for Action” originally titled “Student Movement Night,” Trudeau announced to students The Canadian Federation of a meet-up held at the Hub from 5-9 p.m. in attendance at the activist meet-up Students said that they have yet to for student activists on campus. that UMSU was “not going to take receive correspondence from UMSU. “We informed UMSU about the University of Manitoba Students’ a stand on anything, we’re just here Union president Jeremy Trudeau and to generate and facilitate discussion,” copyright infringement upon their

graphic by Sam Secter

violation of the Copyright Act,” said CFS staffer Bartholomew Meow, refusing to comment on the package received by UMSU. Both groups maintained that the other one was “it” in the game of professional phone tag. “‘Student movement’ is the first in

a long line of trademarking. The next in line is ‘solidarity,’ then ‘resistance,’ and soon students will have to request our permission to protest because all forms of protest will be patented,” Meow said. “We’re dedicated to protecting our members’ rights.”

Engineering dean pulls ‘penis’ out of entry requirements Faculty of engineering applicants must meet grade and tuition requirements, no longer measured in inches upon entry Watt Smalls

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he faculty of engineering dean just pulled “penis” out of the admission requirements for entrance into the engineering program at the University of Manitoba.

“We have officially dropped the D requirement,” said Weakké Resistor, dean of engineering at the U of M. “Women are currently underrepresented in the faculty. We can’t be irrational here. I’m positive. And I’m taking charge. This needs to change.”

Resistor told the Manitoban that he did not resist making the decision, arguing that officially removing penis from the list of entry requirements will significantly boost the represen-

photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

tation of women in the faculty.

“I’m a feminist,” he said.

“Women deserve to have the same educational opportunities as men. That human right should not require having a penis. Just privilege and money.”

In terms of the fees charged to both men and women who apply to the program, rates would remain equally charged to each counterpart.

Some students from outside of the faculty told the Manitoban that they approve of the decision.

“I’m proud to attend a university that is willing to break gender boundaries,” said Frieda Kroger, a thirdyear fine arts student, adding that she hopes to minor in women’s and

gender studies.

“Smash the patriarchy!”

In reaction to the dean’s decision to remove penis from the requirements, some engineering students— all men—said they were less than impressed, and believed that it was not fair that women are being given special consideration in applying for the program.

Others were content with the fact that they likely still had an inherent advantage over women given normalized patterns of socialization in Westernized societies; not limited to daily obstacles of oppression faced by women, and gendered challenges faced by those who enter the profession.

Third-year electrical engineering student Richard Volt told the Manitoban that he was not looking forward to the increased competitiveness.

“This will not only increase the level of competition to get into the faculty, but it will also create an environment of competition between the genders,” he said.

“Men are always trying to outperform others, and now women will have to deal with men trying to steal that spotlight.”

Second-year mechanical engineering student Emily Earheart, recently named co-female president of the University of Manitoba Engineering Society, told the Manitoban that she

stuck “penis” into her application to the faculty three years ago in order to be admitted.

“Thankfully, they did not ask for proof at the time,” Earheart said.

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News

Senior News Editor: Dana Hatherly News Editor: Ethan Cabel Contact: news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

Assiniboine Park Zoo expanding to U of M’s Southwood Lands Wolves and poisonous animals to take residence Lydia Can

T graphic by Bram Keast, overlord

he Universit y of Manitoba has announced its partnership with the Assiniboine Park Zoo on a new development for the U of M’s Southwood Lands.

In a press conference yesterday afternoon, U of M vice-president external Melody Harvest announced that Assiniboine Park Zoo would be expanding, with a new wing being built in the Southwood Lands for 2018.

“We’ve been working for years on reconfiguring the Southwood Lands and when the Winnipeg Zoo approached us, we knew we had to incorporate it into our plans,” Harvest said.

Assiniboine Park Zoo executive director Max Ira echoed Harvest’s excitement.

“We have wanted to open a second zoo location for a while now, and were just shopping around for

the right place. More people will be able to visit the zoo with this second location, which is the most important thing,” Ira said.

When asked which animals will be moving, and how they will adjust to their new surroundings, Ira smiled.

“We’ve decided to move the wolves away from Journey to Churchill [referencing an incident last year in which wolves dug their way into the polar bear exhibit] and bring them to Southwood Lands,” he said.

“The polar bears have adjusted well to the warmth and can now swim in peace.

“The wolves felt too confined by the barriers we had put up, so we’d like to remove any barriers and make theirs an open enclosure,” he explained.

Ira added that a poisonous animal enclosure will be built across from the wolf exhibit.

“All of our most poisonous animals will be included at the new site.”

The university also announced

plans to build a new daycare in between the two exhibits. Harvest said this was part of the university’s effort, outlined in their strategic plan, to integrate components of the campus.

“Children will be able to go out and look, and learn from, the animals.

But not just children. Of course we hope to involve students in the new services available on the Fort Garry campus,” Harvest said.

Harvest told the Manitoban that the university was in the early stages of developing a universal petting pass which would see a $60 fee tacked on to student tuition and allow students to pet animals in the zoo as often as they wanted.

Construction is expected to begin in early 2016, and the wing should open in fall 2018.

Winnipeg psychic fair cancelled Participants say ‘no point’ in attending, as they already know how it turns out Theresa Palm

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c onv e nt ion of Winnipeg psychics has been cancelled due to widespread complaints from attendees that they already know how it turns out. The Winnipeg Psychic Fair, which had been set to run from April 2-5, announced this morning that the event would be placed on indefinite hiatus due to lack of interest.

A number of Winnipeg psychics expressed waning enthusiasm for the

event. business,” Leaton said, referring to “There’s no point, really,” said Winnipeg’s repeal in 2008 of a bylaw Romelia Leaton, a North End resi- requiring psychics to be licensed by dent who specializes in tarot and the city. palmistry. “I consulted the spirits “I really have to think hard about weeks ago and already know how all my priorities in these tough economic the good panels end up. I won’t make times.” much money as a vendor, and I’ve Lucius van Buren, who holds already caught up with all the friends private seances in the basement of I was going to meet at the convention.” a disreputable-looking house on Leaton cancelled her membership Bannatyne Avenue, decided not for this year, citing financial concerns. to attend the event due to health “Ever since 2008, there’s just been concerns. so much competition. I can’t get any “I read the entrails of several spar-

rows, and they all agreed that I was together once a year, have a few going to have a heart attack on the drinks, shoot the shit, and particiSaturday after eating a hefty lunch pate in dark rituals whose names must and climbing a long staircase,” van not be spoken aloud. But now everyBuren said. one’s buried in their crystal balls and “So I said, ‘screw it.’ Who needs you never get a chance to really talk,” the stress?”

Aphetrix said.

Aphetrix the Mysterious, the The future of the convention is ageless arch-fiend who acts as head uncertain, but for the time being it organizer and CEO of the conven- looks bleak, Aphetrix added. His tion, lamented the loss of face-to-face howls and shrieks of maddening contact between Winnipeg’s occult despair were audible for miles around, community. reportedly driving many sensitive “It used to be that we’d all get mortals out of their minds.

University cancels budget cuts Activism saves departmental allocations Summeg Ai with files from Steven Vonscissorhands

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tudent protestors have successfully stopped budget cuts at the University of Manitoba.

The administration informed the Manitoban that projected cuts of three to four per cent would not be happening this year.

“We hadn’t realized people wouldn’t like cuts,” said Dan Johnson, U of M spokesperson. “After we saw

everyone’s signs, and heard their clever chants, what choice did we have?”

Asked how the funding deficit had been overcome, Johnson said that the good will and activism of students were more than enough to make up for the provincial government’s dumbfuckery.

The news came as a surprise to the upstart Student Action Network, a campus group focused on preventing

the budget cuts.

At least one member was distraught, heard saying, “We’ll have to find something else to protest.”

graphic by Bram Keast, overlord

VOL. 101 NO. 57 April 1, 2015

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U1 student found in tunnels Stafford the fourth first-year student to go missing since 2007 Murv Berkley

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University 1 stuMargaret Stafford, Jeremy’s the tunnels again, Stafford said he dent was found last mother, said that she and her husband planned on continuing his educaweek in the tunnels had not realized Jeremy was missing tion next year and that he had been between the Wallace until he was escorted home by police. accepted into the faculty of arts.

“I didn’t even apply,” said Stafford. and Parker buildings, on the outskirts of “It seems like a good fit, though.” the science complex, after having “We didn’t see him, but Stafford is the fourth university one we just thought he was gone missing in early September. student to go missing in the tunnels Jeremy Stafford, who turned 19 busy studying. We got a since 2007 and only the third to be in February, was found in the halls letter from the university found. Lacy Peters, the one outstandby Security Services personnel, who ing student, went missing between congratulating Jeremy for were investigating reports of someone Drake Centre and Tier Building making honour roll. He got stealing from a vending machine. sometime in 2009. Although she has Stafford told the Manitoban he an A+ in Mathematics in yet to be retrieved, she has since completed a degree in recreation managesurvived off of scraps left by students Art” – Margaret Stafford, for months after becoming lost on the ment and community development. mother of missing student way to class.

Security Services confirm they “I had a class in St. Paul’s,” said have been tracking her for some time.

Stafford. “I just thought I’d take the “We didn’t see him, but we just “We’ll get her sooner or later,” said tunnels. I never thought this would thought he was busy studying,” she Bruce Cunningham, a member of the happen.” said. security team tasked with locating “I had no idea where I was. I tried “We got a letter from the univer- lost university one students. following groups of people but it sity congratulating Jeremy for mak“Every once in a while she comes never seemed to lead anywhere. ing honour roll. He got an A+ in out to bite a passerby. When she does Eventually I learned to live in the Mathematics in Art.” we’ll net her, get her out of there, and tunnels.”

Although he vowed not to use give Peters her diploma.”

photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

Asper School stands by satanic rituals Asper School plans to continue bi-annual sacrifice of U1 students Rico Diablo, staff

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espite facing pub- same year. We’ve experienced expolic outcry from nential growth in the amount of stuadjacent faculties dents wishing to enrol with us – even and numerous stu- when you discount all the ones we dents on campus, had to offer to our dark lord,” he said, representatives as he proceeded to eviscerate a goat from the University of Manitoba’s before a shocked reporter and several award-winning business faculty, the unfazed onlookers.

Asper school of business, informed “The overall GPA of the faculty the Manitoban last week that the has been on a steady climb for the faculty has no intention of discon- past five years. Who do you think is tinuing their responsible? Hail frequent sacriLucifer, praise “How am I supposed fice of university be unto our dark to study with all one students to lord.” appease their University the screaming and dark lord and one students are chanting in tongues? reportedly lured master, Lucifer.

Honestly, I'd be happy if “It just doesn’t to Asper at their they just kept it out of make for a good bachelor of comenvironment,” merce luncheon, the hallways” - Michael said Michael where facult y Saint, second-year Saint, a business members and business student student in his secalumni claim they ond year at Asper. have been planting “First off, it’s satanic messages extremely loud. I’ve got three finals in their introductory speeches for next week; how am I supposed to years. study with all that screaming and “If you play the audio transcripts chanting in tongues? Honestly, I’d we’ve kept from those speeches backbe happy if they just kept it out of wards, you could pretty much find the the hallways.” entire Satanic Bible in there,” said Vélay Notan, chief spiritual ini- Alan Crowley, a fourth-year business tiatives director at the Asper school student. of business, defended the faculty’s “We do a little brainwashing at the ritualistic practice when interviewed luncheon. Then, once the university by the Manitoban. one students are all compliant and “The fact of the matter is that it has stoked about Asper School, we get paid dividends for the faculty. Look ’em on Buddy Day. I mean, it says – Asper students did great at the 201 right on the website, ‘it all ends at Stu Clark Investment Competition; a big bad barbecue. What did you we took first place at JDC West the think that was supposed to mean?”

graphic by Evan Tremblay

Editorial Editor-In-Chief: Fraser Nelund Contact: Editor@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

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9

A moral crisis

Comment Comment Editor: Tom Ingram Contact: comment@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Setting an example for proper academic conduct Gail Newman

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s a professor of ethics, I’ve spent years studying the complex moral implications of social issues.

And with exam period coming up, there’s one facing Canadian universities that must be addressed.

Universities across Canada face a moral crisis. Students are cheating on assignments and exams in the hopes of raising their marks, giving them an unfair advantage over other students, and effectively cheating themselves out of a real education. They hope to boost their grades in order to get ahead or cheat their way out of failing altogether. What really happens is that cheating students aren’t forced to work as hard as they need to in order to achieve high grades and never face the adversity of failing a course that they’ve been blowing off.

Instead of developing as individuals, experiencing emotional and intellectual growth, a generation of

young people is being set up for disappointment. As a society we have a responsibility to right that ship.

We need to demonstrate the high ethical standards of our society. And that means killing any student we find cheating We need to demonstrate the high ethical standards of our society. And that means killing any student we find cheating. Cyanide injections to anyone who looks up answers on their cellphone during an examination; a firing squad for any student caught peeking over a peer’s shoulder; and

electrocution to any student who’s found to be plagiarizing an assignment.

Sometimes students make mistakes with plagiarizing upon first entering the university.

They might not recognize that inadequate citation is in fact a form of plagiarism.

In cases like this, execution would be disproportionate.

As such, we should restrict ourselves to cutting off their right hand.

We need to do this for the students. No amount of care is too much

when it comes to the education of our young people.

Gail Newman, associate professor of ethics

Dear Ambivalent,

a praetor who has employed an actor dismisses him from the stage. “But I have not finished the five acts, but only three of them.” Good, but in life the three acts are the whole drama.

For what shall constitute a complete drama is determined by him who first caused its composition, and now its dissolution – but you are the cause of neither.

Depart then serenely, for he who releases you is also serene.

Dear Mark Advice in love and life from one who knows both Mark A., staff

My boyfriend has grown distant recently; he doesn’t always return my texts and if I suggest going out he’ll just say, “I’m busy,” and nothing else. I think he might be cheating on me. What should I do?

—Neglected Dear Neglected, Some things are naturally done by some kinds of persons; it is a matter of necessity; and if a man will not have it so, he will not allow a fig tree to have juice.

But bear this firmly in mind, that within a very short time both you and he will be dead; and soon not even your names will be left behind.

My girlfriend dumped me last week and when I was drunk and sad I swiped right for a girl on Tinder who I realized upon sobering up is not at all attractive.

How do I get out of it?

—Regretful Dear Regretful, Let that part of your soul which leads and governs be undisturbed by motions of the flesh, whether of pleasure or of pain; let it not mingle with them, but let it set a wall around itself and keep those emotions in their

place. But when the emotions rise up to the mind by virtue of the sympathy that naturally exists in a body which is all one, then you must not strive to resist the feeling, for it is natural: but let not your ruling part add to the feeling the opinion that it is good or bad.

My boyfriend’s family is Evangelical Christian, and I’m a Buddhist. Every time I visit for dinner they try to convert me. What do I do?

—Pressured Dear Pressured,

Think often of the speed with I’ve been dating the same which things pass and disapgirl since high school and pear, both the things which are she’s great, but the other and the things which are being night at the bar I met a produced. For matter is like a really hot girl and I took river in a continual flow, and the her home with me. We activities of things are constantly hooked up and it was shifting, and the causes work in amazing. I’m considering infinite varieties; there is hardly breaking up with my anything which stands still. And girlfriend for her, but am consider this which stands near scared to leave such a long you, this boundless abyss of the relationship. What do I do? past and the future in which all —Conflicted things disappear. Why then is he not a fool who is puffed up over Dear Conflicted, such things or plagued about them, making himself miserOf every action ask yourself, able? For they vex him only for “What does this mean to me? a time, and a very short time.

Shall I repent it?” A little time and I am dead, and all is gone. I’ve been dating this guy What more do I seek, if what I for about a year now, and am now doing is the work of an he recently got into BDSM intelligent and social being, and and wants to use whips and one who is under the same law paddles in the bedroom. I know it’s really important with God? to him, but I don’t like pain. What do I do?

—Ambivalent Kinkster

Take away your opinion, and there is taken away the complaint, “I have been hurt.” Take away the complaint, “I have been hurt,” and the hurt is gone.

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me for another guy. What do I do?

—Deserted Dear Deserted, You have been a citizen in this great state; what difference does it make to you whether for five years or three? The same as if

Have problems of your own?

Want help? Send a message to letters@themanitoban.com and Mark A. will do what he can.

Science & technology 10 Science & Technology Editor: Chantelle Dubois Contact: science@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Vilad suppositories new bestseller Product flies off shelves across Canada Hugh Jass, staff

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eztwayz, one of the world’s largest pharmaceutical corporations, has seen a 150 per cent profit in the first quarter of 2015 since their new Vilad suppository product hit shelves last December.

The new product fills in the gap that many pain relievers have missed.

Traditional Vilad is marketed with the promise to help relieve inflammation and pain caused by headache, toothache, arthritis, or back pain.

The Vilad suppository, being sold on the shelf as “Vilad-Anal Plus,” sells with the promise to help relieve the user of pain resulting from having a stick up their ass, a foot up their ass, or when experiencing a pain in the ass of any variety.

“We saw there was a missing product for this specific ailment, which

affects 95 per cent of adults in Canada and the U.S.,” said Ben Dover, a Pfizer pharmaceutical representative.

“Customers may seem hesitant to try the product at first, but once they’ve gotten over the initial uncertainty regarding the method of delivery, they realize that Vilad-Anal Plus relieves rectal pain quicker, and more effectively, than traditional pain relief methods. Sales alone have shown that customers are pleased with this product, and that ass pain is prevalent in the North American market.”

Vilad-Anal Plus comes in several varieties, including gel suppository, pre-lubed suppository, and extrastrength-extra-length suppository.

“So far, the pre-lubed suppository has been our bestseller,” said Dover.

Health Sciences proctologist Al DePantzeu said that rectal pain is a much more common problem than

most people realize.

Anna Linjection, “I see several patients every day a 35-year-old mother who come to my office complaining of two who has been about rectal pain,” DePantzeu told married for seven years, the Manitoban. “Quite often the pain told the Manitoban that is temporary, but frequent, especially Vilad-Anal Plus has for individuals with kids, who are changed her life. in a long-term relationship, or have “I honestly didn’t a boss.” even realize this was a Before Vilad-Anal Plus supposito- product I even needed. ries, DePantzeau had to send patients I used to just get up away only with advice on stretching every day and deal graphic by Evan Tremblay every morning right after waking up. with the pain the best “Unfortunately, for the type of rec- I could. Being a mother tal pain these patients are seeing me of two young sons, and being mar“Rectal pain is a human problem,” with, the only solution was to pre- ried to a man who can’t put the toilet said Dover. “Its reach is global, and pare themselves for the pain ahead seat down, or take out the garbage, or we intend on getting our hand as by gently stretching their buttocks, acknowledge that parenting is a thing, deep into the market as possible.” preferably before their kids or spouses you get kind of used to the pain in the woke up, or before arriving at work,” ass of everyday life,” said Linjection. The Manitoban recommends speaksaid DePantzeu.

Ben Dover said that he expects ing to your doctor about any reoc“Now I can just send them home Pfizer will take its new product over- curring anal pain and to see if Vilad-Anal Plus is right for you. with a bottle of Vilad-Anal Plus.” seas by the end of the year.

Stem cell breakthrough of the millennium U of M researcher reverses aging and achieves immortality John Titor, staff

receiving biPSC injections based on own bodies.

A large obsta- cells derived from his own body. cle faced when The 65-year-old professor has attempting to use been described by his fellow faculty stem cells for ther- members as, “basically a mix between apeutic purposes Hugh Laurie’s character Dr. Gregory is rejection by the House and Doc Brown from Back patient’s immune to the Future, except without any of system. Recent the brilliance, good looks, creative advances in stem thinking, or normal hygiene”; “less cell technology like socially acceptable in his old age”; induced pluripo- “kind of like a waking manifestation tent stem cells have of drinking orange juice immediately allowed researchers after brushing his teeth”; and “an Graphic by Bram KEast, Overlord to bypass this prob- embarrassment.” lem. By developing “I regret coming to this school,” major breakthrough stem cells from normal body cells, wrote Jennings in his lab journal in stem cell research there is no worry for immuno-rejec- shortly before stumbling upon the has occurred thanks tion, since the immune system still breakthrough of his career. “Dammit, to University of sees these cells as “elf.” do I regret coming to this school.”

Manitoba professor The Jennings group has taken Jennings has been quite critical on Alex Jennings. induced pluripotent stem cell tech- the U of M’s decision to exclude him Since the beginning of time, nology one step further. They have from the prestigious stem cell-based humankind has longed for immor- developed a new stem cell technol- Regenerative Medicine program. tality. If we are able to reverse aging, ogy named baby-inducing pluripotent “They say ‘baby stem cells aren’t a we may be able to live forever. stem cells (biPSCs). real thing.’ They say that ‘you can’t It turns out that Ponce de León’s In a controversial and ethically teach drunk,’” Jennings told the Fountain of Youth is found not in questionable application of this tech- Manitoban earlier this year. “I’ll show Florida, but within the cells of our nology, professor Jennings has been them.”

A

It appears that Jennings received these biPSC injections so that he could have a redo on his life.

Jennings’ dream has become a reality. Through his biPSC injections, professor Jennings has achieved immortality.

Professor Jennings has been transformed into an immortal baby.

“We have all heard of the therapeutic usage of stem cells sourced from embryos,” said Katherine Deckard, a PhD student in Jennings’ lab. “But our biPSC technology allows us to transform the patient into a late-stage fetus. You are literally born like 15 minutes after the conversion.”

Now is the age of the immortal professor-baby.

“Good luck getting rid of me now,” said Jennings at the press release last week. “I have tenure.”

Instead of being remembered in history as the first immortal human being, he will remember all of our future history.

In his immortality, Jennings will bear witness to all of the horrible things that society will be faced with

as we continue to neglect social issues like inequality and scientific issues like climate change and antibiotic resistance.

It is likely that Jennings will act as the ambassador for the human race as we move forward. This is a huge burden for any one baby-man to carry; however, if anyone can do it, it is Alex Jennings.

Remarkably, his demeanour has remained unchanged. Baby-Jennings is as much of misanthrope and burden on society as he was as a 65-yearold man.

This may be one of the most significant discoveries ever made at the U of M. “I am astounded by the resolve of the Jennings group. They’ve taken a man and turned him into a little manbaby. If that’s not indicative of the power of science, then I don’t know what is,” said some guy, maybe.

When asked what his first order of business is as an immortal baby professor, Jennings replied, “I don’t know, maybe cry for five hours straight.”

And he did.

VOL. 101 NO. 57 April 1, 2015

Science & Technology 11

A puppy’s tale Researchers find that puppies need oxygen to survive Anna Mull, staff

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esearchers have recently discovered the importance of breathable air for the survival of juvenile canis lupus familiaris, known more commonly as puppies.

In a study, published in Nachure, researchers took several breeds of dogs, and placed them in tanks with varying levels of air, or submerged them in pools of water.

Air is the gaseous substance, which is plentiful within the Earth’s atmosphere. The gas is comprised of approximately 21 per cent oxygen, 78 per cent nitrogen, and small amounts of argon, carbon dioxide, and methane.

Through this experiment, researchers wished to find out if puppies could be trained to survive with

little to no air. No previous literature we could cut the world’s oxygen conwith this information exists. sumption in half by training dogs “This kind of information can help to live off of less air. That’s what the us in a lot of ways,” said researcher experiment had set out to prove.”

Doug Graves of the Hartlass What Graves’ research revealed Research Institute in Toronto. instead was that puppies require “We’re going to start seeing a rapid roughly the same amount of oxygen depletion of air in the next century,” as humans. said Graves. “Currently, the human “Our results showed that puppies population is set to top at approxi- could not adapt to environments with mately eight billion by 2050. With low or no air present, no matter how that many people breathing at once, early in their life they were introduced we need to start finding innovative to such an environment. Survival in low-air conditions was independent ways to use less air.”

Graves’ theory had suggested that of how many treats were provided to an increase in the human population encourage the puppy,” he said.

The experiment was performed on would result in an increase in the dog 20 puppies, ranging from one week to population.

“Dogs are man’s best friends, after three months old. Additionally, sevall. More people means more dogs,” eral breeds were selected to see if any said Graves, while holding a puppy of them were particularly adaptable over a pool of water. “I had estimated to low-air environments. One control

photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

puppy was selected, which remained in a normal air environment.

In the experiment, the puppies were placed in tanks with air concentrations between zero to five per cent, including some tanks filled with water.

“We did find that smaller, yippy dogs survived the longest in lowair environments, possibly because they have adapted to spending more time barking than breathing,” said Graves. “The Chihuahua seemed to be the most adaptable, although

not enough so that we would say the result was positive.”

Graves said he intends on continuing to seek solutions to the world air supply problem by moving on and testing other common pets for lowto-no air adaptability.

“Kittens – I think kittens will prove to be more viable under low-to-no-air conditions. I don’t think they breathe much to begin with, and many people have kittens as pets.”

Graves’ next experiment is set to begin later this month.

You are what you eat Studies show that auto-cannibalism is the norm John Titor, staff

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ou are what you eat. structure.

“I knew something was up then. I That’s how the old sayThe group decided to monitor the haven’t oinked since my Babe phase.” ing goes. But does this red blood cells of the patients with Just like with the broccoli group, claim pass scientific the hypothesis that the RNA inter- all of the students from the bacon muster? ference messed up their insides. group went through similar expeResearchers from Eventually the blood cells from riences shortly after Clifton. Their the University of Manitoba’s faculty the two samples resembled full- conditions have only worsened since of agriculture and food sciences have blown broccoli florets and little pigs. the initial changes. come across a startling discovery.

The broccoli-shaped red blood cells The students from the broccoli In their study, the researchers gave were not very exciting to observe, group resemble bunches of broccoli 60 male and 60 female U of M stu- but the pig-shaped red blood cells more than they do humans these days. dents specific samples of food three were occasionally seen running along The pig students fare no better. The U times a day for one week. One group the endothelium of the students’ red of M has installed a sty in Duckworth received meals composed of broccoli blood vessels.

Quad for these unfortunate students. while the other group received meals Remarkably, none of the stu“I am at my wit’s end,” said Clifton. of bacon and pork chops. dents experienced any negative side “Before all of this happened I loved The organisms the food was effects for the first few months of this eating bacon. It was probably my sourced from were supplemented condition. favourite food.” with RNA molecules through a proThree months after the beginning Now Clifton cannot consume cess known as RNA interference. The of the study, one of the students from bacon without feeling remorse. goal of the RNA interference was to the broccoli group, who has requested remove some of the major nutrients to remain unidentified, collapsed in found in the two food groups. her Food: Facts and Fallacies class.

The group intended to see how She was rushed to Victoria this technique affected the dietary General Hospital. Shortly after arrivcharacteristics of the two foods. ing at the hospital, all of her hair fell After the week was up, the out, revealing little broccoli florets researchers took blood samples to do growing out of her scalp. routine biochemical analyses – they All of the other students from the checked for things like cholesterol, broccoli group experienced similar hormones, and blood sugar. As part episodes. of a routine protocol, a blood smear One member of the bacon group, was analyzed by microscopy for qual- Asper school of business student ity control.

Graham Clifton, was in class when What they found under the micro- he noticed that his chair suddenly scope shocked them. became uncomfortable. Assuming it The red blood cells of the broccoli was nothing, Clifton carried on with group students had elongated cyto- the rest of his day in mild discomfort. plasm that resembled little stalks.

When Clifton arrived home he Meanwhile, the red blood cells hopped into the shower. That was from the bacon students had mem- when he was noticed a curly appendbrane extensions that almost looked age growing out of his tailbone. like floppy ears and their primary “I was in so much distress I started cilia started to curl into a tail-like oinking,” Clifton told the Manitoban.

“My bacon-eating sessions have gone from my sanctuary of peace to some twisted ritual of auto-cannibalism. I reluctantly eat as I feel like a part of me is lost with every bite.

“I’m a goddamn pig, I mean look at me! I am eating my own kind and I cannot stop,” said Clifton.

The broccoli students don’t appear to show the same amount of remorse as Clifton and the other pig students.

In fact, they seem to have lost all concept of empathy altogether.

“I don’t care one way or the other,” said Zooey Detwiler. “I mean, broccoli doesn’t have feelings. It’s a vegetable.” graphic by Aldo Rios

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Arts & Culture Arts & Culture Editor: Lauren Siddall Contact: arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

UMSueShe rolls out, screams authenticity Craft sushi slinger sticks to its sticky rice roots Robert Rooster

I

consider myself a man of and various other seafood. Because discerning tastes. I strive to of this, they were able to continue support local businesses and selling their product and Priestly purchase quality, authen- ended up filing for bankruptcy in tic goods. A fine craft beer April of 1960 following multiple like Lücky Láger, an artisan failed lawsuits. crafted pair of Oâkley sunglasses, or an heirloom Āffliction dress shirt – Traditional Sue this is the life of a modern man with high standards, such as myself. roll purists began I was titillated with the offer of getting to sample the regal food referring to this offered at the UMSueShe restaurant new culinary style on the third floor of University Centre on UMSue Street. UMSueShe prides as “SueShe” (often itself on offering over 50 different stylized as sushi) rolls—all prepared in-house by chef Jiro Ono—with surgeon-like preci- referring to her sion given to ensure impeccable taste, legal battles texture, and presentation.

Some of our plebeian readers may not be aware of the rich history and It was around this time that tradivast culture that root sushi’s magnificent past. tional Sue roll purists began referring Sushi began at the Minnesota to this new culinary style as “SueShe” State Fair in 1953. A young woman by (often stylized as sushi) in reference to the name of Susan Priestly presented the legal battles. In North America, the dish at the fair and it became an as well as abroad, it is still considered instant hit. Her rolls consisted of a culinary faux pas to serve rolls that fresh unagi (Japanese for seaweed), include a protein source that has been traditional basmati rice, and cooked foraged from the sea and not from chicken. She sold them under the the land.

Thankfully UMSueShe stays name: Sue’s rolls. She patented the roll in October of that year – U.S. true to tradition, selling authentic patent number WO1997002778 A1.

Sue Roll roots and not serving any It was not long after that that res- dishes with fish or shrimp.

This is refreshing, as many sushi taurants around the Midwest started popping up selling a similar product restaurants around Winnipeg have to Sue’s rolls. Priestly took a combat- been gaining popularity by serving ive stance towards this and attempted non-traditional fish rolls. to take many of the restaurant’s proIt pains the author to report that prietors to court for infringing on her some restaurants have gone as far as to serve sushi with fish and seafood signature dish.

Unfortunately, they had found a that has gone uncooked. I personally loophole – her patent outlined that find this insulting, but find solace her rolls were filled with cooked in establishments such as Smoxies, poultry, while the new restaurants URLs, and UMSueShe that choose featured rolls that consisted of fish to honour tradition and serve authen-

Photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

tic rolls.

I had the divine pleasure to sample two rolls from UMSueShe, both of which were simply orgasmic.

The first was a traditional chicken teriyaki roll – the flavour, mouth feel, and aroma were all overwhelmingly satisfying. The first bite had the distinct crunch of a teriyaki roll, then I was hit with waves of flavour from the mass produced soy sauce, and finally I was knocked ass backwards by the spicy finish from the Hank’s Red Bought Sauce.

After the holy bliss provided by the chicken teriyaki roll, I cleansed my palate with the provided thinly slicked pickled garlic.

After a short break to compose myself, I dove head first into the beef roll.

As I finished my final bite, I was left a huddled, sweaty mess on my fold-out banquet table. I had looked God in the eyes and he had stared back at me. I had consumed all that was divine and had gone through a transformative experience – both

physically and mentally.

I truly do not know if I will ever reach this peak again, but I can only hope that the same religious experience awaits me the next time I return to UMSueShe. 9 out of 9 stars.

Robert Rooster is Winnipeg’s most critically acclaimed local food critic, self-proclaimed Red Seal chef (with over 10,000 hours of cooking for himself), and the most moving man you will meet over meat.

Local punk band comes out as anti-establishment Lee and the Sandwich Artists announce they don’t respect authority figures Dawn talon

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ocal punk band Lee and the Sandwich Artists have the local music scene reeling with the release of their new album Distrust Authority, Please.

The album—which includes songs such as “No, you have detention!” and “Why should I listen to you?”—charts a new direction for the band who had

previously branded themselves as I think you could sort of see that in explicitly pro-establishment. our second album, with songs like, Bass player Katie Olfa said the ‘Not all politicians have your best change in tone was a natural progres- interests at heart,’ and ‘I’m often sion for the band. uneasy around authority figures,’ “A lot has changed since we first but this is sort of the full realization recorded in 2009,” she said, referring of that.” to the band’s seminal album We Like Fallout from the announcement the Police. has been difficult for the band. The “We’ve developed; we’ve changed. Winnipeg Chamber of Commerce Not just musically, but in our politics. has revoked their membership and

they have been asked not to play at the annual meeting of the Manitoba Young Conservatives.

“It’s hard to lose those connections.

Since we started telling people that we were officially anti-establishment we started getting blacklisted. No other punk bands will play with us.

All the bars in town have told us we’re not welcome anymore.”

Lead guitar player Lee Frum told

the Manitoban that despite the stress of the ordeal, he was happy the band was being honest about their feelings.

“It’s a different world. When we realized that as a punk band you could be dismissive of authority, it just changed everything. Sometimes I cross the street when I don’t have the crossing sign now. That’s not something the old Lee Frum would do.”

14

Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture Editor: Lauren Siddall Contact: arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

THE BIBLE: READ IT RIGHT MEOW! A definitive review of the bestseller Iban trembling

T

graphic by Evan Tremblay, staff

he Bible opens with what is perhaps the most memorable, and the most universal, opening line that will ever be written: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” It gets you hooked.

There are a lot of places that a book can go from there. Where it does go— and how it gets there—is, as someone other than me has said, “the greatest story ever told.” At the very least, the most re-printed story ever told.

The first portion of the book deals with the creation of the world, and its ordering. Mythological elements—some obviously borrowed from very ancient Middle Eastern traditions, but all of them universal themes of human imagination—are implemented with a steady hand. A major flaw in the book, however, is evident even at this early point: if you don’t understand the morality of God, then the rest of the work will strike you as pleasantly as Atlas Shrugged does a New Democrat.

Justifications are not a strong point; you are either the type to listen to a burning bit of shrubbery or you are not.

The section “Psalms” deserves to be singled out for special praise. In a break from the narrative of other chapters, this is a poetic reprise on the power and justice of God introduced in earlier chapters. The imagery is of the highest class; each could easily be read, and appreciated, on its own – if you do not have time for the entire book, I encourage you to do just that.

I do not want to spoil the details, but some shit goes down It totally makes up for the chapters devoted to Jewish genealogy.

The second section of the book concerns itself with the story of Jesus, who is the Son of God in a manner which will take you 2,000 years and several schisms (supplementary material, not included in the book) to fully understand. Retold four separate times, in slightly different versions, this story is both the dramatic and narrative linchpin of the book, and a bold foray into magic realism. I do not want to spoil the details, but some

shit goes down.

After this, however, the pace slackens; the character of Paul could probably have been cut out or at least given less dialogue. You get the impression that he is the kind of guy that would insist on knowing exactly how many magic missiles God could cast. Without the powerful presence of God or Jesus, one starts to question the motivations of the remaining characters.

The final chapter, “Revelation,” is a sharp departure in tone from the rest of the work. I am not saying the author wrote it on acid [ . . . ] but it reads like a really intense acid trip. A REALLY intense acid trip; like rivers of blood and multi-headed beasts singing on top of lakes of liquid glass acid trip. It is memorable, and slightly confusing.

The Bible ends with the line, “The peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you.” By the end of the book, you will either know what that means or not; this is not a book (or author) that apologizes for that. Generally, very worth the read.

My God, what is that smell?

Festival of Olfactory Arts's 4th year for smellers of Winnipeg John Ainsworth

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n May 1-3, Winnipeggers will be treated to some of the greatest and artistically driven smells in modern society. The Festival of Olfactory Arts (FARTS) returns for its fourth year with its

focus towards the art of smells.

FARTS began in 2012 as a vision between two men, Hubert Skatole and Jason Arsenick. Upon an argument over who smelled better, both came up with the idea to let the public decide, eventually developing into FARTS. The performance art put the two men on display and charged

aromatic aficionados to judge Skatole and Arsenick in a forum-like setting.

“I’ll admit that attendance for the first year of FARTS wasn’t as large and bloated as we would have liked it to be,” FARTS co-founder Skatole explained to the Manitoban.

“However, the people who came out really enjoyed how Jason and I

Graphic by Bram Keast, overlord

smelled and we knew the idea of the be the first time all six colognes will festival could build and swell from be mixed and presented together in there.” a small, enclosed tent.

Over the past two years, the festiThe 2015 festival will also be honval has been acclaimed for presenting ouring local olfactory icon Scotty many unique themed “smell tents.” Duncan for his contribution to smells In 2013, FARTS presented the straw- in Winnipeg. berry scented candles tent. The tent “When I’m walking down the allowed smellers to enjoy the scent of street and there’s an aesthetically strawberries without being near any driven miasma in the air, I know actual strawberries. that Scotty Duncan is nearby helpIn 2014, the Belgium waffles tent ing out members of the community was presented, giving Winnipeggers and various non-profit organizations,” a unique cultural waft of a breakfast FARTS board member Anne Osmia scent. The tent will be returning for told the Manitoban. the 2015 year; however, as expected, “Scotty has always just smelled no Belgium waffles will be available really good.”

In an exclusive interview with for purchase.

“We don’t want to give people the the Manitoban, Duncan revealed wrong impression about the ‘Belgium the secret to his art. waffle tent,’” explained co-founder “I shower on a regular basis,” Jason Arsenick. admitted Duncan.

For this year’s celebrity perfume Unfortunately, this year’s festival tent, the festival will focusing on fra- has sparked large controversy over grances of actor Antonio Banderas. ticket pricing. Whereas past festivals Known for his role as Puss in Boots have been priced at a modest $75 for a in Shrek the Third, Shrek Forever three-day pass, this year’s three-day After, and the television short Scared pass starts at over $9,000.

Shrekless, Banderas has taken the “Due to some undisclosed legal olfactory industry by storm since his issues regarding my divorce, tickets 1997 release of the perfume Diavolo. for the event had to be increased by Since then, the actor has released of a smidge,” explained Skatole. six different colognes, his latest being “But it’s definitely still worth it.

2010’s The Secret.

Trust me.”

The Banderas-focused tent will

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20 minutes or less Local band forms and breaks up within 20-minute jam Rocky Rivers

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n March 12 at an open mic night, a local band for med a nd broke up within the span of 20

minutes.

Going simply under the name We’re Going to Try This Out, Guys (WGTTTOG), the band consisted of four musicians from the crowd at the event. After a few beers, the band decided to commandeer a local singer-songwriter’s set halfway through his subpar cover of a Leonard Cohen song.

“I was just getting to the good part too,” explained singer-songwriter McCullough McKinney to the Manitoban.

The set list consisted of a jam inspired by the riff from the White Stripes song “Seven Nation Army.”

Known for its simplicity, the group brought a new and unique take to the song with both bassist Ronathon Jonathon and guitarist Xerxes Shenandoah not playing the song’s riff properly.

The song also featured fresh lyrics, led by vocalist Gilbert “Nickname” Nitrogen. While the original version by the White Stripes had themes of the military and a “Seven Nation Army,” Nitrogen’s lyrics focused more about his ongoing problems with his

ex-girlfriend Beatrice.

“I was tired of clinging to our origi“I always thought the song could nal sound. We needed to push boundhave meant so much more if it was aries outside of playing ‘Seven Nation talking about Beatrice,” Nitrogen told Army,’” said Shenandoah. the Manitoban.

Eyeing d r ummer Roya l This is not the first time Nitrogen Tennenbaum for a rhythm change, has been part of a short-lived band. Shenandoah attempted to replicate In 2013, Nitrogen was a part of the the solo from “Enter Sandman.” trio, Hey Pass Me the Mic, Dave!

At that point, however, bassist (HPMTMD). The group consisted of Jonathon was already off-stage.

Nitrogen, Nitrogen’s cousin Rudolph, “I had work in the morning. And and their mutual friend Dave. The we obviously didn’t know what we band had been widely acclaimed for were doing,” said Jonathon. their experimental sound, while some “Why are you even reporting this?” people said they had failed to successThe band abruptly stopped as the fully blend aspects of punk, bluegrass, three-person audience (including this and gospel music together. reporter) stood in sheer disbelief. It Unfortunately, the critics were was the end of an era. right and HPMTMD only last 45 Who knows what the quartet minutes. could have accomplished had they Seeing WGTTTOG as a bounce stayed together for a few more hours, back from HPMTMD, Nitrogen or even a day. What if they actually grabbed the four nearest musicians played the riff properly? What other and ran to the stage. songs could Nitrogen inject with his For bassist Ronathon Jonathon, ex-girlfriend-inspired lyrics? his experience with WGTTTOG This reporter can confidently was confusing. report that they were the next Led “All of a sudden, this short, pudgy Zeppelin. bald guy comes up to me and says “I think we’re all disappointed that we’re in a band,” explained Jonathon. [WGTTTOG] ended, but just like “But I was pretty buzzed so I was my high school diploma, all good down for whatever.” things must end abruptly,” Nitrogen Unfortunately things went south told the Manitoban. for the newly formed band when lead “We were kind of a big deal for that guitarist Xerxes Shenandoah tried to third of an hour.” experiment.

Graphic by Caroline Norman

Infinite Jest A review of David Foster Wallace’s claim to fame Rocky rivers

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oted for being a its height and width being roughly brilliant work of average for a trade paperback. This literature depict- masterpiece rings in at roughly 1,000 ing the quest pages – ouch. for happiness in The cover, while upon first glance America, David may appear to merely be a blue graFoster Wallace’s Infinite Jest is a dient, features a beautiful sky, with gargantuan masterpiece. Wallace a single cloud partially covered by effortlessly undulates between styles the title. “Infinite Jest” seems almost and themes to create an edgy, darkly haphazardly scrawled across the front witty commentary on what makes in chartreuse green, all capital font. us human. Set in an addicts’ halfway The lines of text are placed diagohouse and a tennis academy, Infinite nally across the upper two-thirds of Jest delves into essential questions the cover, with the letters becoming regarding entertainment and how larger when moving from right to left. our desire for entertainment affects our need to connect with others.

Infinite Jest is known for skyrockMassive eting Wallace into fame as a comedic literary genius. It brilliantly showcases Wallace as one of the biggest Interestingly, the word “Infinite” talents of contemporary literature is cut off by the edge of the page – as with his innovative use of language though the word was too infinite to and trademark dark sense of human. be contained by the cover of the book.

One thing to note, though, is that Below the eye-catching title is a the book is huge. significantly smaller white text, statMassive. ing, “National Bestseller,” once again Larger than Atlas Shrugged, which all in capital letters. The bestseller I found extremely daunting to tackle. status of the novel came as no surThe novel is about as thick as my four prise; the hype for the book pre-pubfingers stacked atop each other, with lication was incredible. Apparently,

photo by Lauren Siddall

Little Brown sent cryptic postcards in 2006—says, “With a foreword Moving from the top of the to publications with teasing notes by Dave Eggers,” breaking the all- cover to the bottom, the text gets on them, such as “Infinite Pleasure” capital trend illustrated thus far on increasingly smaller, ending with or “Infinite Winter.” Infinite Jest the cover. Eggers, while writing a a quote from the New York Times: was release in February of 1996 and reverent introduction to be published “Uproarious… Infinite Jest shows off

by March, was already in its sixth in the book, originally conveyed a Wallace as one of the big talents of his printing. lesser review of the novel in the San generation, a writer of virtuosic talUnderneath, after the byline, Francisco Chronicle in 1996 when the ents who can seemingly do anything.” this particular edition—printed book was first released.

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Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture Editor: Lauren Siddall Contact: arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

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The bottle is half full Charles Smith Wines quench the palate nahnuf boos

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h i le most brand—considered the “Modernist American Project”—focuses on wine that can vineyards are be enjoyed immediately. His innovatraditiontive project has earned him various ally associ- “Winemaker of the Year” awards and ated w it h recognitions.

Napa Valley, self-taught winemaker Charles Smith Wines is known Charles Smith aims to move this for their edgy takes on classic wines, association north. from the taste down to the label.

Smith has an interesting backThe Velvet Devil Merlot—comstory: after moving to Denmark, posed of 99 per cent Merlot and one he spent the next nine years man- per cent Sauvignon—pairs deliciously aging various bands, including with grilled red meat. This wine, true to the Raveonettes, which eventually its name, goes down smooooth. With complex flavours, such as tobacco and sparked his passion for wine.

Smith moved to the Pacific cherry combined with spices, this wine Northwest in 1999 to open a small is memorable, even when you down the wine shop on Bainbridge Island. On whole bottle yourselff. a road trip across Washington, he met Charles Smith Wines also is the a French winemaker in Walla Walla maker of my personal fabourite wine: who convinced him to start his own Kung Fu Girl Riesling. Anyone who winery. In 2001, Smith released his has ever had the pleasure of joining me first wine: the 1999 K Syrah. for a fancy dinner, or a Tuesday night, Smith then conceptualized and knows I am a sucker for white wine. trademarked House Wine before sellThis beautiful bottle is 100 per ing it in 2006 to start a new brand cent Riesling grown in Washintson – Charles Smith Wines. The new State. This wine pears well with so

many things, particuarlly Thai food or Chinese takeout – which is the best way to drink wine, in my humble opinion. The wine has a crisp, fruity finish, making it an easy drink for the faint of heart and wine enthusiasts alike. White peach aromass are accented by Linden tree and lime leaves, with notes of crushed mineral, making it delicious to the last drop, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Boom Boom! Syrah is a fun one. A

combination of Syrah and a teeeeeeny Whether red is your thing, or you bit of Viognier create a really really prefer to be nice to your carpets with nice read wine. This wine, being red, a nice Riesling or Chardonnay, somepares well with red meet like slow- thing is available for everyone. Go roasted lamb or beef. But I don’t eat past that gross strawberry flaboured red meat, so I will enjoy it all on its highschool wine you’ve been buying lonesome. Rich black cherry with since your ex dumped you, you were notes of tobaaccco dominate the too good for him (and that wine) anyboddy fo the wine and are followed way. Get something worth your while. by a finish of lavender.

Or at least not boxed wine, please.

Smith’s collection of wine is super diverse, containing lots of edgy wines.

Photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

Sports Sports Editor: Mike Still Contact: sports@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

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Major fumble University’s chess team to fill in for the football team after a tragic huddling accident Murv Berkley

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photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

he Universit y of very clear understanding of the rules, Manitoba’s chess team but we have our intelligence!” is set to fill in for the The final game will pit the new men’s football team in Bison replacements against the their next game after Montréal Carabins, who won the the entire football 2014 Vanier Cup. team was incapacitated in a huddling Coach Barry Tuffman told the accident.

Manitoban that although the players The accident took place during were in high spirits, he expected the the semifinal round of an off-season Montréal Carabins to put up a fight. tournament in Vancouver.

“Well we’re gonna go out there The entire team was knocked and… well, we’re just going to get unconscious when they rushed in crushed,” said Tuffman. for a last minute huddle in their game against the Calgary Dinos.

“Sure, we don’t have The Bisons were already in the lead with the score sitting at 36-12. Even the size, the muscle, with the three touchdowns the Dinos the skill, the training, were able to score in the remaining 84 seconds of the game, they were only or a very clear able to bring the score up to 36-33. understanding of the Under a set of obscure, rarely cited CIS football league rules, the rules, but we have Bisons were able to replace their our intelligence!” – injured players with other Bison athletes. The Bison chess team, who Phillip Morrissey, new were still in neighbouring Victoria, B.C. after having participated in the Bison linebacker 2015 International University Chess Classic tournament, were drafted to fill in.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I Phillip Morrissey, new team cap- was thinking. It’s going to be a train tain, was optimistic about the team’s wreck.” chances of winning.

Extra medics will be on hand for “I think we need to play to our the game, which is scheduled to start strengths. Use strategy,” said the today, at 6 p.m.

110-pound linebacker.

The Carabins are hosting a pre“Sure, we don’t have the size, the game victory party at 4 p.m. muscle, the skill, the training, or a

A day in the life of the Manitoban What happens when the paper and the Jets go Frolik-ing around Reevus Jeevus

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he Manitoban recently coach Paul Maurice was asked on sat down with a few how nicknames originate in the Winnipeg Jets play- locker room, he turned with a stern ers for an interview. face and said, “I am never playing Jay Tobias Enstrom hosted Harrison and Grant Clitsome on the the meeting; however, same line.” when the Manitoban showed up at his As far as support goes, Jets fans can house, he was nowhere to be found. It be quite odd. One Jets fan in particubecame apparent that he isn’t a stay- lar is quite flamboyant, as he attends at-home defenceman. games dressed in pimp clothing and Amongst the Jets who were invited accessories. However, this is no laughwas Enstrom’s linemate Tyler Myers. ing matter, as he is suspected to have The six-foot-eight defenceman was at been tossing his pimp accessories onto the scene when the newspaper crew the ice, especially into the Jets’ end. showed but had to be escorted to hosWhen general manager Kevin pital. Myers was later diagnosed with Cheveldayoff was asked about the a concussion received while trying to matter, he replied, “I can’t remember enter Enstrom’s house. ever seeing Kane in the defensive zone.”

Enstrom was curious on why he The Jet GM was also asked had been chosen to host the inter- whether he would share his “true” view, and the Manitoban revealed thoughts on traded player Evander to the former assistant captain that Kane. Cheveldayoff managed to buy he was one of the Jets’ most quality our silence when he traded to the players on the blue line. After hear- Manitoban a 2015 third round draft ing the full extent of our high praise, pick.

Enstrom naturally choked up.

We checked the European ranks The first topic up for discussion for a potential draft selection to the was “team nicknames.” When head newspaper team, but we decided that

the pick was not worth the trouble of selection after Pierre McGuire said he had a “big body presence,” called him “a fine young man,” then mispronounced his name.

Off the ice, Jets players are always searching for opportunities to serve their community. Goalie Ondrej Pavelec visited the University of Manitoba microbiology lab recently in their identification of unknown bacteria experiment. Despite wearing the proper lab equipment such as lab coat and rubber gloves, Pavelec suffered a bacterial infection in his left palm.

It was reported that he mishandled a bacterial sample, causing it to slip through his glove. It was later revealed the unknown bacteria originated from St. Louis Blues defenceman Barret Jackman.

Once the interview concluded the Jets played a round of poker as a warm-up for their charity tournaments in the off-season. The players rage-quit after losing a significant amount, crashing out after the first round.

graphic by Caroline Norman

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Water in the works Investors Group Field to be turned into a water park Ladanian Pookie

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nvestors Group Field will “a few different options in the works,” have a new purpose going but that nothing was concrete at this forward, as the Winnipeg point.

Football Club has reached an agreement with the managThe grand opening ers of Investors Group Field to have the stadium converted into a of the new water water park. park, known simply After significant water drainage issues, the two parties decided it was as “Sploooosh,” in their best interest to work with will occur in April their strengths and simply convert the $208.5 million stadium into a of 2016, with free more functional business, instead of entry guaranteed trying to toil over renovations, with repairs already having cost $4.7 million to date.

Walt Walkerman, one of three coWalkerman did say, however, managers of Investors Group Field that there were serious talks of (IFG), proposed the idea and it was moving the Bombers to Taylor fully supported by the Winnipeg Field in Saskatchewan, where the Football Club.

Roughriders currently play. The move “We as a group felt it was the would be a temporary one and would smartest idea for business to turn simply give Winnipeg a place to pracIGF into a water park,” Walkerman tice and have regular season games told the Manitoban. while a new stadium was developed “We have the size to do it and in the ’Peg. plenty of water to supply the whole There were even talks of having park! I think Bomber fans will really the two squads practice together at be able to capitalize on this unique the same time during training camp, new venture.” in order to increase camaraderie When asked about where the across the CFL. Blue Bombers will play in 2016 now Peter Parks, stadium manager of that the water park was being set up, Taylor Field and a former Winnipeg Walkerman stated that there were resident who moved to Saskatchewan

Photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

just two years ago, was a complete The grand opening of the new healthy dose of H20 while inside. supporter of the idea. water park, known simply as Winnipeg residents will wait ten“I believe that it’s in the best “Sploooosh,” will occur in April of tatively in the meantime, both for interest of both clubs to practise and 2016, with free entry guaranteed. the chance to try out the new venue communicate with each other going Early stages of design and remodel- and also to get word on where the forward,” Parks said. ling have already begun inside of IGF. Bombers will be playing their football “By doing so, there will be more of It will have 12 different slides of next year. a familial aspect, and hopefully this varying heights and designs, with the “I guarantee that this will be will decrease the amount of bad blood major attraction being “the Investor,” worth the wait,” Walkerman said. currently shared between Winnipeg which is equipped with water jets “Winnipeg residents deserve to have and Saskatchewan.” on either side, to give customers a a quality water park, and this is it.”

Making an investment Over 1,500 seats inside of Investors Group Athletic Centre to be donated, space to be converted into open bar Ladanian Pookie

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he Universit y of Manitoba is doing their part to help the homeless. This past week, it was announced that the Bisons would be donating over 1,500 seats in Investors Group Athletic Centre, to various homeless shelters in Winnipeg.

The arms will be cut off of all of the seats, and shall serve as additional beds for the shelters. Additional padding will also be added to each, to provide the most comfortable arrangement possible.

Cameron James, building manager of the Investors Group Athletic Centre, felt that the move was a must, both for the athletes as well as students.

“Upon reviewing the capacity of the athletic centre, it seemed obvious that a cutback on seating was a necessity,” James told the Manitoban.

“There was an exhaustive meeting with various members of the university, and we all felt that removing a large chunk of seats was the right move in the long run.”

The athletic centre, also known as IGAC, featured seating for over 3,000 spectators, prior to the removal being performed. James noted that a thorough review of attendance numbers was performed before the decision was ultimately made.

“It simply seemed unrealistic to have that many seats in the building when not even a quarter of students were showing up to games,” James said. “This cutback will give the athletes a bigger space to train in, and also provide a far greater use for the chairs, via homeless shelters for those that need a place to sleep.”

When asked what would replace the seats, James added that the space will be converted into an open bar to provide students a secondary spot to de-stress after a long week of class.

“The newly opened space will be the perfect spot for an open bar,” James said. “This way, people can take in the action with a drink in hand, and not have to venture upstairs and worry about spilling their drinks.”

According to James, the hope is to attract more students to the games with the new design.

“I think this is the perfect way to do it,” James said.

“It works at the University of North Dakota, and us Canadians can drink

way more than they do, so why not?!”

The highly anticipated renovations are set to be completed by September of 2016. Stay tuned to the Manitoban

for more updates as they become available.

photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord

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Sports

VOL. 101 NO. 57 April 1, 2015

Duckworth done right The Uniter to provide extensive coverage of the Duckworth Challenge Ladanian Pookie

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graphic by Fraser Nelund

n an unprecedented turn of events, the Uniter has reached an agreement with the Manitoban, to provide extensive coverage of the 2016 Duckworth Challenge. The decision came after an uproar from University of Winnipeg athletes, who were sick of reading arts articles, and not having their accomplishments acknowledged in print.

“As student athletes, we work our butts off each and every week, and it would be nice to have some sort of coverage provided,” Wesmen basketball player Peter Putback told the Manitoban.

“I absolutely respect the amount of reporting the Manitoban does on their campus sports teams, and I just felt like enough was enough; I had to take action and ensure that the Uniter did the same.”

The Duckworth Challenge is arguably the most highly competitive battle that both universities engage in during the regular season, and is taken in by numerous students, on both campuses.

“It just seemed right to have the Uniter cover the Duckworth Challenge, just like the Manitoban already does. I mean, it goes on in our hometown anyways,” Putback said.

According to an inside source, the Uniter has been having trouble

finding someone to actually cover the soccer, basketball, and volleyball events next year, which are all part of the Duckworth Challenge.

“That was the Uniter’s main concern with the agreement,” Putback said. “They had a lot of staff who were comfortable attending concerts, and writing for arts, but it didn’t appear that anyone was all that confident covering the sports side of things.”

The Uniter has put out an official advertisement in their paper, and online, to try and find someone suitable for the job. The ad currently reads, “Please help us, we’re a bit over our heads with this one. What are sports?”

The Manitoban has actually had a few intrigued Bison students come into the office already, to inquire about the position, after seeing the posting online.

“I’m sure if it gets to that point, where no U of W students feel qualified enough, then a U of M student will do,” Putback said. “All I want is adequate coverage, and if it has to come from a Manitoba Bison, then that’s fine.”

It remains to be seen whether the Uniter has a sporting chance.

Stay tuned for ongoing updates as they are made available, as well as the chance to potentially cover the events yourself.

Room for renovation Active Living Centre to close for updates Ladanian Pookie

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fter finally open- students will notice the change,” ing to the public Willsby said. “When it’s all said and just a short while done, everyone will look back and be ago, the Active glad that the remodelling occurred, Living Centre— hands down.” the new gym at the The Active Living Centre is a University of Manitoba—is set to $46-million project and costs fullclose its doors yet again. The re- time students $75 per term, and partopening date is scheduled for early time students $56.25. The fee will September of 2020. continue to be included in tuition The Manitoban approached head costs while the renovations are being architect Axel Willsby last week to done. inquire about the closure.

“I fully understand students’ “There’s just some things that we’re potential frustration over having to not entirely happy with,” Willsby pay for something that isn’t open; said. “The building must be perfect in however, once the ALC re-opens, every detail and my team simply does nobody will be disappointed. We’re not feel that is the case right now.” really ramping things up on the inteCurrently only the 300 and 400 rior,” Willsby said. levels are available to students due Willsby added that he reached to ongoing construction on the first out to numerous architects all over two floors. Those floors include the Canada to get their opinions on the group workout area and the elevated new gym, and they all agreed that it track, which Willsby stated, “could should be touched up a bit. be even better.”

“I have had discussions with some Willsby didn’t give any specif- of Canada’s best architects, and I was ics as to what prompted the sudden amazed by the resounding consensus decision; however, he promised to decision. It really made me feel condeliver a facility that is superior in fident about my choice.” every aspect.

In the meantime, students will go “There will be no doubt that back to utilizing the “Gritty Grotto”

for all of their workout needs. While the move back to the old gym will likely elicit mixed reactions, certain students were quite content with

transitioning back to the grotto.

“Oh I absolutely love it down there,” said Cam Campopolous, a fourthyear arts student. “I especially love

running laps on the track. The dark appearance and lack of windows makes me feel like I’m back home, in my own basement. It’s just great.”

Photo by Carolyne Kroeker, overlord