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Table of Contents

BRUNCH’S “CHEF SURPRISE” TURNS OUT TO BE KNUCKLE SANDWICH

COOKING, Page 20

“BYE BYE SIDES” INSIDE ‘S OUTSIDE AS TENTS SIDES SAY BYES

WEATHER, Page 5

PUBSAFE NOT MAD, JUST DISSAPOINTED

NARCS, Page 911

FOREST FULL, NEW FRESHMEN MOVED TO WOODS

YOUTHS, Page 31

GLOBAL PANDEMIC LOSES NOVELTY

RECREATION, Page 25

MIDDLEBURY INTRODUCES COMPHET MAJOR

SEXUALITY, Page 69

Campbell S. Noodle’s Close Contacts

SOPHIE CLARK HENRY CRONIC HANNAH BRADY CLAIRE MARTENS TIM HUA CAT LA ROCHE NIMAYA LEMAL WINDSOR SMITH JEREMY JOHNSON OSCAR FLEET EMMA TZOTCHEW ZOE COVINGTON-TOWNER DAVID FACTOR

Editor in Chief Tyrant, Deposed Open to Work Freak The Modern Prometheus Penne Vodka for One Half Empty Rabies Baby Jeremy SHEEEESSH Johnson Nevada Man Tzua Lipa Headmaster Lose Yourself (AMV)

MAX PODELL NINA NG JULIA LEVIN LIZ SRULEVICH IMAN BEHBEHANI ROSE EVANS ISABEL WYDLER CATHERINE GOODRICH SOPHIE HOCHMAN CLAIRE CONTRERAS JESSICA BUXBAUM

Apple Sauce Connoisseur Options Is Sometimes Disruptive Liz Gates Ready Biddie PhD Harvard ‘24 On Sabattical Weatherman Little Chef

EDITORIAL

We Need More Single Use Plastics

It has come to our attention that a number of “environmentally minded” students are trying to get us to use less plastic. But, have they thought about the impact that would have on our community, and, most importantly, Middlebury staff? We here at the Local Noodle have some serious qualms with this new-fangled idea that we need less plastic, and would like to draw your attention to why we need the same amount, if not more, plastics at Middlebury College. First off, why are they doing this? Middlebury is already carbon neutral. Do we really need to be carbon negative? Do you know what is carbon positive? Diamonds. And, we here at the Local Noodle like to think of all Middlebury Students as diamonds — as in, we are all put under an immense amount of pressure until we are told we are worth something to others. Are these “anti-plastic” activists telling you that you’re not a diamond? Because to that we say, shine on, dear peers, shine on. These people, you know, the ones who are constantly whipping out their metal knives and forks wherever they go, are just trying to bring down the mood as always. The presence of these “reusable” utensils make us very uncomfortable Carbon

2 negative? Not around us, thank you. Second, they fail to see how this is a two sided issue. They want to save the turtles, we don’t. We don’t really get the appeal honestly. We made a sexy mega fauna bracket, and turtles are not on it. Also turtles have too much power already, four of them already were exposed to radiation to fight crime, so they can save themselves, they don’t need us condescendingly telling them about how we could make their lives easier. In fact, have they even thought about having any turtle representation on their board so they can speak for themselves? Huh? Third, what about all of the hard work that the dining hall staff put into individually wrapping each knife and fork (and spoon!) in the morning? Do these “anti-plastic” maniacs hate the Middlebury staff? Seems like it to us. Lastly, transitioning away from plastics is too much responsibility for our busy, busy, lives. We can barely handle returning our reusable containers, now you want us to carry around our own forks and knives? And occasionally wash them too? Nope. Sorry, we have places to be. We urge you, Middlebury, to renounce these “antiplastic” crusaders and to join the right side of history. We have created the Fill All Landfills Network (FLAN) to ensure that the delicious Pacific Garbage Patch will never die. Join us, and together we will not stop until we can no longer differentiate between landfill and mankind.

NEWS

To Meet Increased Demand for Counseling, Midd Telehealth Hires Intro to Psych Students In response to the overwhelming increase in demand for counselors this semester, Middlebury Telehealth has announced that they will be hiring any Intro to Psych students who passed their first midterm and/or just feel that they’re better than you. A spokesperson for Telehealth insists that they tried “all available options” to better student mental health on campus before landing on this decision. They tried reducing the number of Thanksgiving dinners in Proctor, they tried making it sunny for more than one day, they even tried keeping the Christmas lights on that giant tree by McCullough on all year round. But it would appear that these interventions were all for nothing, as student mental health continued to plummet throughout the semester, leaving Telehealth to resort to their last option: hiring a bunch of freshmen who are waaaaaaaaaay too interested in the Stanford Prison Experiment. “Anxiety and depression are on the rise globally due to the pandemic, and Middlebury is no

exception. We wanted to differentiate ourselves by offering something new: the exciting and curative opportunity to be patronized by an 18 year old with a god complex and minimal knowledge about the mind,” explained the CEO and chief scientist of Midd Telehealth. “We’re now seeing some pretty incredible results. Mostly that everybody is looking for inperson therapy in town…” When asked about his new job, S. Hrink ‘24.5 said: “I just really think I’m qualified to help people now. Reading Chapter 10, ‘Emotions and Motivation’ really gave me a lot of insight into how your dad screwed you up as a kid.” Despite this measure being implemented to make Middlebury a more positive place, the response has been largely negative. However, when asked about how they’re going to actually help people struggling on campus, the Telehealth representatives were only able to respond with “but how does that make you feel?”

State of Vermont Releases new COVID Guidelines for the Summer You only need one shot of the Pfizer if you drink it

You may have your mask off while eating inside of a restaurant due to a little known chemical process which results in COVID not being able to enter the body while you have food in your mouth. The State of Vermont highly recommends sucking on a Swedish meatball as one would a Jolly Rancher whenever in a public space. Texas solved COVID. People think it’s because of the lower testing, but they really did solve it. Only one friend in any group needs to get the vaccine, everyone else can get it by sharing blood in the same way that you would share blood in order to transmit membership into a fraternity (the vaccine transfers from one person to the next similarly to a blood-pact). The vaccine doesn’t give you autism, that’s an offensive conspiracy. It does make you a liberal. Respectfully, Phil Scott would have eaten that bat and then not gotten sick.

NEWS

Zeitgeist Reveals One Loser Senior is Unemployed With the release of the Middlebury Campus’ third Zeitgeist this past month, the Middlebury community has rejoiced with the knowledge that every single graduating senior is gainfully employed, with the exception of one fucking loser. Though he assures his friends and family he still has a week or two left before graduation, Carl Morris ‘21 currently has no job offers at this time and no interviews scheduled in the near future. “The kid is a bum,” says Jessica Davis ‘21, who has been locked into a job with Bane Capital since the end of junior year. “I couldn’t imagine the lack of self respect needed to willingly be thrust into the world without any kind of plan. I once considered him my best friend, but can friendship truly exist between an employed person and someone who will live with their parents in a month?” Morris, who boasts a 3.9 G.P.A. and majors in both Computer Science and Political Science has attempted to defend his pitiful employment status to no avail. “I’m just on a cold streak,” said Morris, clearly holding back tears caused by the pathetic shame of the knowledge that he will never accomplish anything slowly becoming apparent. “I know I’m the right candidate for someone. I once made it to interview nine out of fourteen, so I’m not hopeless right?” Morris added that he hasn’t actually ever been rejected from a job, he has just found that employ-

ers are particularly busy right now and must be taking a very long time to get back to him. “It gives me more time to focus on my Microsoft Office certifications on LinkedIn, which might be critical to this nice executive internship I’ve been eyeing.” It is clear, however, that many of Morris’ potential employers have already given up on him due to a lack of work ethic. “Poppycock! The lad isn’t a go getter,” says Gerald O’Flannery ‘85, who founded the world renowned job board Midd Gigs. “I sent Carl a contract to welcome him to

my company as a worker on my assembly line. The job paid a solid seven dollars an hour for a solid four hours a day! Someone has to teach this boy the meaning of responsibility!” Multiple sources claim they have seen Morris woefully attempting to schedule a meeting with the CCI, but the first available appointment is not until May 31st, 2022, as there are still five members of the junior class who are unemployed. By then, Morris’ status a total fucking loser and disgrace to Middlebury College will have already been cemented.

NEWS

Student Stuck in Davis’s Medusa Simulator One fateful night during the first week of school, student Post Mastone (‘20) went to Davis Family Library. Upon arrival to the bottom floor, he froze in his tracks, a “Do Not Move” sign staring back at him. This was the first of many nights alone in Davis for Mastone. He stood so still that the library staff thought he was a statue, and the custodial team cleaned around him. This Spring, Middlebury has given students the opportunity to study from anywhere, so Mastone studied remotely in Davis Family Library. His friend came everyday to set up their computer and log him in and out of class. His friend wore sunglasses and only moved by looking through a handheld mirror, as he had learned to do by watching Percy Jackson fight Medusa.

Armchair moving club loses hope. May never compete again.

Edit: BREAKING on Medusa curse

Post Mastone remained until last week, only after Laurie Patton held his hand and gently told him that he could move again. “I didn’t know who to believe,” said Mastone. “I’d never been so scared in my life.” Mastone has been relocated in order to pursue closure after his traumatizing stay. You can find him motionlessly meditating in the stone labyrinth at the Knoll.

NEWS

Sherman Antitrust Act Invoked to Bar Big Midd Instagram Merger

The United States Department of Justice invoked the Sherman Antitrust Law of 1890 today to ban the potential conglomeration of the thousands of student-made Middlebury Instagram profiles, including the Big-Brand names of Midd Confessions, Midd Truths, and Midd Missed Connections, into one big account. This new account, dubbed @megamidd, was initially designed to streamline almost every student-made Middlebury Instagram page into one account, boasting posts from the all time greats such as Meet Midd, I’m Schmacked Midd, Hickies of Middlebury, Overheard at Midd, Midd Squirrels, and the seventeen Midd Furries accounts. The invocation of the Sherman Antitrust Act of 1890,

however, will put a permanent hiatus on these plans. “The entire merger proved to be unacceptable,” says Merrick Garland, head of the Department of Justice and avid follower of the Midd Law’s insta account. “Our research shows that the accounts meant to merge into Mega Midd would have consolidated approximately 80% of the average student’s Instagram feed into one account. This would create a monopoly which would stifle the creation of any other Instagram account, Midd related or otherwise.” In response to Garland’s decision, the Midd SGA Instagram put out the following statement: “While this is obviously a devastating decision for the entire Middle-

College Decides to Get Rid of go/McCarthy After the most recent rounding up of Middlebury Communists resulted in only the singular Middlebury Republican remaining on campus, the college decided that the telegram service go/ McCarthy is proving to be too divisive for its own good, and therefore will be terminating the program active immediately. The go/McCarthy mailing address was first implemented in 1950 after a number of disturbing reports of Middlebury students going on service trips to Vietnam. From there, MCAB created a subsidiary group: HUAC (Hacking Underclassmen’s American-ness Commitee) to deal with the flood of complaints received through the system. It has since grown out of control with students reporting peers whose sketch comedy they dislike,

bury community, it is not the SGA’s place to question the decision of authority. We respect the D.O.J.’s decision, and thank our loyal fan who we know will not unfollow this account. Smaller Midd Instagram accounts that were expecting a great increase in exposure from the merger have proven to be far more emotional. “This is absurd,” says certified creep Arch Instep ‘21, founder of the infamous “Feet Midd” account. “Mega Midd was supposed to be my big break! Now I’m going to have focus far less time in my passion project, and return to my old job of handling the Midd Consulting account ”

and all women as once a month they experience a Red Tide. “At first I thought that ratting out campus commies was a great idea.” said Atwater resident N. Ixon ‘57. “But, as more and more of my buddies started getting hauled in front of the student congress, I realized that sometimes students reporting on their peers isn’t as fail proof as it would seem.” Now that campus sits at 0.001% capacity, the HUAC has decided to dissolve, and solemnly swears not to arrest anybody, no matter how many pairs of Birkenstock they own. However, despite Middlebury’s main campus taking a stance against “snitching,” many study abroad students in East Germany are still concerned about the College’s continued local use of go/Stazi which doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon. Note: this article brought to you from the Noodle’s 1955 archives.

ARTS AND SCIENCES

Spring SIMPosium Off to a Slow Start After All of the Speakers Insist that Ladies Go First The annual Spring SIMPosium is reportedly starting later than its assigned time as every single one the speakers insisted that “ladies should go first,” despite there being no female presenters at the event. The event that happens at the beginning of every sundress season has an unfortunate history of getting off to a rough start. Last year all of the presenters were five hours late to their presentations because they had to run errands for the girl they were pining after, and the year before that they didn’t show up at all because they were all attending an optional GreenDot training to prove how serious they were about feminism. Although the organizers were hoping for a smoother start this year, their actions were thwarted yet again as the speakers were off doing what they do best: simping.

The day was supposed to be ungrateful bitch for not sleeping split into multiple sections. Lab with me after I carried all her sciences: where presenters spoke books to class, or whether I just on their field expeditions to need to carry more of her books collect packages for their ladies; for a bit longer and then she’ll Philosophy: where men asked sleep with me.” the hard hitting questions like Despite its history of late and “if you’re being nice because you failed starts, the SIMPosium want sex does it actually count as committee still plans on breaking being nice?”; and Political Science: out their I’m With Her shirts next where men tell everyone that they Spring and asking you really nicely have a great record of being nice to give them another try. to women, and not to forget that when they run for office. However, now that it’s been delayed it is likely that the Middlebury community will only get to experience the key-note speaker who is discussing the fascinating, and hotly The ID of One Student Who Never debated subject of “whether that girl is an Showed Up to His Own Talk

Study Finds That There’s Nothing New in Math A not-so groundbreaking study released in today’s annual copy of Mathematics Yearly explained that currently there is nothing new in math. Despite them hinting at a big reveal in this year’s magazine that there might be something new in math, the report came back with a resounding “no” to the question: “math, is there anything new?” “I’m afraid to report that all of the numbers we have still exist, and we are yet to find any new ones,” said mathematician Dr. Al Gebra. “Every year I get my hopes up, and every year they get brutally dashed. I count and I count and I just can’t find anything new. I also tried those “unsolvable” problems, because let’s be honest, I need the cash, but nope, nothing new there either. They’re unsolvable for Pythagoras’ Sake!” An Exclusive Look at Dr. Despite finding nothing new in math this year, Dr. Gebra is eager to Gebra’s Findings continue his quest next year. Maybe if he just counts a little higher he’ll find something.

LOCAL

Vaccinated Student Feels Need to Overcompensate for Microchip After receiving the COVID vaccination, student Mike Rofalus told reporters that he felt the sudden need to compensate for his new microchip. “I knew that the feds would use the vaccine to track my location,” said Rofalus. “But they had to use a microchip? Why not an average-sized chip, with the same satellite locating software?” Following the microchip’s implantation, Rofalus purchased a Porsche to hide his insecurity. “My car looks flashy and gets terrible mileage, but it really makes me feel like a man,” admitted Allen. “And the obnoxious engine drowns out the voice that tells me to poison the Canadian Prime Minister. That’s a huge plus.”

Allen’s girlfriend, Sara Vaylance, told reporters that Allen has nothing to hide. “Sure, he’s got a smaller chip than most guys. Who cares? It’s not the size of the chip that counts, it’s how the government uses it to transmit messages in your dreams” But according to the Center of Health and Wellness Counseling Center, many vaccinated students feel the need to “conceal” their microchip, lying to their friends, family, and CIA handlers. Mike Rofalus told reporters that he hopes future vaccine clinics will implant mind-altering chips in a variety of sizes. “I’m just worried that at my next shot, I’m only gonna feel a little prick.”

ARTS AND ACADEMICS

Classics Major Lauded for Groundbreaking Thesis “The Ancient Greeks Were a Little Fruity” The Middlebury graduating class of 2021 gave its highest academic honors this week to Classics major Romulus Stephens who broke ground with his thesis entitled “The Ancient Greeks Were a Little Fruity,” in which he explained in incredible, almost life-like detail all of the ways in which the Ancient Greeks of all genders enjoyed “getting frisky.” “It was one of the best theses I’ve ever read,” remarked Department chair Hephaestus Stamos. “In all of my years of scholarship on Ancient Greek wrestling, bathing, and feisty debating, it had never crossed my mind that there might be something queer going on. Romulus presented a fresh perspective that was a lantern in a shadowy cave of undercover Greek life.” The 143 page thesis begins by detailing the ways in which Socrates was a little gay, followed by Archimedes’ bicurious expeditions, and ending with a borderline pornographic description of life on the island of Lesbos. All for the sake of scholarship, of course. The real capstone of the thesis was when Stephens single-handedly translated a papyrus scroll that has eluded classicists for years, discovering that the true message behind the writing was “u up?” Scholars are now referring to it as the “horny Rosetta Stone,” and it has aided in the translation of numerous other ancient booty calls. These ideas first came to Stephens when he was in high school. “We read The Iliad in English class and my teacher tried to get us to believe that Achilles and Patroclus were just really good friends, like Abraham Lincoln and his pal Joshua Fry Speed, or like my roommate and my boyfriend. Read my thesis and weep, Mr. Hercules, they were totally doing it.” Fellow Classics student and member

of the Queer Studies House, Cassandra Galifianakis, was not surprised by Stephens’ thesis at all. “It’s like nobody at this school has read the Percy Jackson books. My first wet dream was about Annabeth Chase.” Stephens’ analysis was not met without resistance. One particularly fiscally conservative, but “socially liberal” member of the department stood up at his thesis defense to proclaim that: “You can’t just go around claiming everyone was LGBTQ+! What’s next? Saying that Eleanor Roosevelt was a lesbian? Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were doing it on the moon? Jesus H. Christ himself would let another man hit it from the back? Get outta town.” However, despite this attempt at academic fearmongering, Stephens has stuck to his thesis and plans on publishing it in both peer-edited journals and the September issue of Beefcake Magazine.

ARTS & ACADEMICS

How to Become Bisexual Over the Summer *For Clout My sister texted me the other day telling me that she had a dream I, a FEMALE, was friends with benefits with Selena Gomez. I was hit with two realizations at once. First of all, my sister is right. I am totally in the same league as Selena Gomez. Second of all, holy shit. I would be a clout god if that was real. Most specifically if I, a straight woman, decided to do-it with a super hot girl. My game would be absolutely UNMATCHED as all of my subsequent lovers attempted to live up to her A-lister status. Like Selena, there are a lot of undeniably beautiful women in Hollywood, like Zendaya, Mila Kunis, and Timothee Shablagoo (I think). That got me thinking, it’s a scientific fact that regardless of what that one blind motherfucker posted on Midd Confessions, the female students at Middlebury rank so much higher in hotness than the men that they simply exist in a different realm. Thus, the final conclusion: if I could somehow get myself to be attracted to women, I could get my clout up high enough that all men would want me! As the benevolent benefactress I am, I’ve compiled a list of GLSEN-research-proven methods to become bisexual (for only one school year until people accept it as part of your personality, because honestly that’s all you need and idk why people choose to be gay for longer. *so inconvenient*).

1. The actions

Ok so before you’re initiated into the cult of bisexuality you have to pass through hazing, which is just getting drunk and making out with a girl. I know it SUCKS but don’t worry it doesn’t actually count because you are just doing it in front of a crowd of guys to turn them on. Think of it like doing your makeup in the morning - it’s just to impress men!

2. The appearance

These are some super underground tips that I found from specifically curating my Tiktok feed to show me bisexual girls. For research. Not because I’m attracted to them or anything haha. With rolled jeans, a rolled beanie, and a collared shirt under a crewneck, the girls will FLOCK to you. If you’re committed, you should definitely get your septum pierced and give yourself at least two stick and pokes. If you do them shittily enough they should only last a year, so basically as long as this phase of sexuality!

3. The attitude

It is absolutely crucial to develop some type of mental illness, ideally mania, so that you can use it as an excuse for dyeing your unevenly cut bangs pink. This will make you SUPER hot and also all guys’ pixie dream or something??? Haha idk but I do love being called dreamy! Now that your actions are backed up by my own preconceptions of what facts are, your sexuality is finally valid! Go forth, have tons of threesomes (but only for the male participant’s pleasure), be terrified but mildly aroused by Kristen Stewart, and proudly blast sweater weather in your headphones you bisexual queen!

HISTORY 1700

A white boy acknowledges he’s on stolen land to rapturous applause.

1812

British exchange students burn Old Chapel to the ground .

11 1914-1918 - War Breaks Out

1823

Alexander Twilight graduates, Middlebury uses Guttenburg press to print out brochures with his face on them.

Ross Rhino War Machine Annexes the Kelly Octopi and Lang Lemurs. Coalition of Cook Commons Flying Pigs and Wonnacott Squirrels repel Rhino peril, win naming rights for Battell Beach. A rocky peace is negotiated at Versailles.

1866

Riot at the Flatbread assembly line.

1700 -

1802

Campell S Noodle Kills the Editor in Chief of the Crampus to establish the Local Noodle as Middlebury’s Only Newspaper.

1867

1820

Middlebury Democrats invite Jefferson Davis.

Local nudist club rebrands as Frisbee team.

1969

Film major graduates with honors after faking the moon landing.

1973

Demand for metal coat hangers drops precipitously.

1913

With newer chapel on the horizon, Old Chapel goes through a midlife crisis, starts dating 20 year old chapel.

1982 (late)

Middlebury approves the construction of a school graveyard.

1989

Berlin wall torn down, frat system abolished. Hans Rupenhaur ‘92 has mixed thoughts.

1969 -

1971

Middlebury joins the NESCAC to aid Williams, Amherst, in their pursuit to dick on Conn College.

1982 (early) The Mill hosts first Purple Jesus.

1984

Angry political science professor feeling silenced claims in op-ed it’s “literally 1984”

HISTORY 1941-1945

1924

1955

Middlebury preaches rhetorical resilience in several consecutive semesters like no others.

“Fuggetabouttit!” Middlebury launches Italian-American language houses.

College abolishes go/McCarthy after no students are left on campus.

1963

JFK Assasinated.

- 1963

1930

1929

OratoryNow Launches SpeakEasy.

(Monday) - Noodle stock continues to rise. (Tuesday) - Noodle stock drops for the first time ever. (Wednesday) - Noodle stock only stock in the nation to bounce back.

1962

1950

College launches go/McCarthy to report on Communist-leaning students.

2005

Rudy Guliani receives temporary degree.

JFK threatens to sue The Grille over copyright for “Dr. Feel Good.”

2020

Students get extra long Spring Break as a treat.

2008

The Great Recession.

- 2021 2003

Admin flies mission accomplished flag over carbon neutrality.

2007

Lehman Brothers bets it all on The Campus.

2018

Infamous “I am the resistance within the Dead Parents Society” Incident.

2021

A white boy acknowledges he’s on stolen land to rapturous applause.

OPINION

Opinion: Out of the Mouths of Worms BY AARON GOLDBERG

Ah, spring. The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, it’s somehow still midterms week, and the sidewalks are littered with cigarette butts, dirty flower petals, and worms. If you had asked me to describe a worm two weeks ago, I would’ve said something along the lines of “dirty, slimy, nasty, little scum of the earth bastards.” But that all changed this weekend. It was early Sunday morning when I found myself sneaking out of Hep 5 after a drunken one night stand. As I meandered along College Street on my walk of shame, I heard a small voice calling my name. I ignored it at first. After all, it was only 6:00 AM and I was still a little tipsy. The voice continued. “Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron…” on and on it droned. Against my better judgment, I stopped and listened. The voice seemed to be coming from the sidewalk, so I crouched down to see what on G-d’s green earth was happening to me. Allow me to take a moment to explain something. I have never been what you would call “spiritual.”

Sure, I went to Hebrew school every Wednesday until I became a bar mitzvah. My party was pretty fucking sick by the way- Club Aaron at the Coliseum in White Plains, NY. But I never really believed any of what Rabbi Mendel and Rabbi Rachael-Sarah were telling me. I mean, Noah’s Ark? You’re telling me that son of a bitch corralled two mosquitoes onto a boat? I call BS. But that was all about to change. It was a worm. A worm was calling my name. But as I was soon to discover, this wasn’t just any worm. This worm was the voice of G-d. “I am the voice of G-d, Aaron,” said the worm. Its awe-inspiring voice lulled me into a trance as I fully lowered myself onto the ground, lying face-down on the sidewalk. “Okay” I responded. “I have something for you, Aaron. Spread the good word to your people.” I felt myself spinning, then flying, then falling far, far, far down. When I awoke, the worm was gone. In its place, I found a stone tablet with the following inscription:

THE TEN WORM COMMANDMENTS 1. Thou shalt have no other crawly pets but me. The worm. 2. Thou shalt make no idols of worms. 3. Thou shalt not take the name worm in vain, nor shall thy drunk text thy mother or thoust ex. 4. Keep the sabbath day holy and by that I mean only eating thanksgiving dinner on thanksgiving cause let’s be honest it’s not even that great on that day so why the f*ck would you eat it at school Every week?

Since that fateful day, my life has been turned upside down. I spend every waking hour devoting myself to the study of these ten rules and spreading the good word. I have built a shrine to my worm G-d inside the FIC, and rebuilt it several times because SOMEONE thinks it’s sacrilegious to have a pile of worms so close to the Torah. In fact, I was recently asked to leave a Hillel Shabbat service because

6. Thou shalt not step on other worms. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, even if your friend’s GF is really hot and is hitting on you, like, hard. Even if she brings you worms, you have to say no. 8. Thou shalt not steal. 9. Thou shalt not bear witness to the false prophecies of teen youtube sensations. 10. Thou shalt be a prophet for the worms and all other worms to come, for you are the chosen wormer.

instead of standing or sitting during the Mourner’s Kaddish I chose to lie down on the ground and do the worm. In fact, this whole opinion piece is my letter of intent to run for Hillel president for the Fall 2021-Spring 2022 term. A vote for Aaron is a vote for the worms, and a vote for the worms is a vote for our salvation.

HEROISM

Middlebury College Jumps Up Eleven Ranks in List of Top 100 American Colleges and Universities After it is Revealed that Hero Student has Collected 5,328 Troll Dolls

A Middlebury native, Enrique Chronique is responsible for the movie Trolls selling out at its premier at The Middlebury Marquis

The excitement on Middlebury’s campus today is palpable following U.S. News & World Report’s announcement that Middlebury is now considered the seventh best college in America. This places the college just behind the University of Chicago and right above Northwestern University, as well as four hundred spots ahead of Amherst. Though Middlebury was previously ranked eighteenth in the country, U.S. News took time today to clarify that the massive jump in the polls was due entirely to the fact that freshman student Enrique Chronique ’23 had acquired a collection of 5,328 Troll dolls. The Local Noodle was able to

reach out to the U.S. News to elaborate on the decision. “Mr. Chronique has humbled everyone who votes to rank colleges in this poll,” said college ranker and reporter Evan Tully. “He embodies a mindset that we have not been able to find anywhere else in the nation. We now understand Middlebury embodies a strong sense of will, passion, dedication, and ability to spend your parent’s money.” Mr. Chronique is being hailed as a hero on campus, and his troll collection has quickly become a local spectacle for the entire student body. “They’re just so beautiful!” Says

junior Anna Krady ’21. “I never thought anything could make a Battell room look so beautiful, but the trolls have instilled a deep sense of tranquility in that dorm. I would take a bullet for that man, and all five thousand three hundred and twenty eight of those glorious bastards. It wouldn’t be too far to say he has single handedly reinvigorated the Middlebury identity.” No group on campus is more appreciative of Chronique’s collection than the religion department, which has seen a four hundred percent increase in major declarations following the “miracle” that is the completion of his collection.

PHILOSOPHY

SPORTS

COVID Test Worker Impressed You Took .3 Seconds Less Than Everyone Else Amidst “restrictions” on traditional athletic competition at Middlebury, a new sport has emerged that grips the attention of fans everywhere: high-speed COVID swabbing. And this week, one proud student-athlete champ has PR’ed to set the school record in testing, at .3 seconds faster than their all peers and predecessors. “It was a real honor to be a part of,” said the COVID test worker who administered the record-breaking test. “I’ve always wanted to be a coach.” Nose swab recruits now have an extra section in their Policy Path asking if they went to physical therapy that week and if they’ve partaken in any illegal neti-potting during the season. Middlebury has currently taken the lead in the NESCAC

for Covid test speed, after Williams’ team disbanded after students were caught dropping the drowsy type of Benadryl in their competitors’ coffee. The competitive nature of the school led to wide scale sabotage, naturally. The new record was a major hit to previous record holder, Speedy Gonzales ‘21, who had trained all quarantine for their time was disqualified this past Thursday after their test came back inconclusive, due to blood on the swab. Speedy’s ID will be taken down from the plexiglas hall of fame before dynamic testing recruitment. “Fifteen small blows of the nose, one big blow to my career,” he was overheard saying while being escorted off the premises into quarantine housing.

“Classic blunder,” says the new record holder Lucas Mucus ‘22. “Another common mistake is over-sanitizing. Weakens your grip on the swab.” The record holder has developed his own patented way to discreetly dispose of excess sanitizer, after an embarrassingly thwarted attempt at sneaking in his own high-traction swabs last October. He also recommends wearing mobility clothing, distinguishing him from other test-takers dressed their best for the testing spectacle (Virtue Field House SS21, high fashion coming soon). Instead, high speed COVID swabbers can be seen in their best sneakers and traditional Middlebury Athletics garb.

GROUNDBREAKING DATA

Male Faculty are “Actually Very Incredibly Diverse if Employing a Sigma-Alpha-Beta-Omega-Gamma Lens,” Insists College’s Diversity Office The Office of Institutional Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (OIDEI) released yesterday an astounding report on vast diversity among male faculty members of all departments.* The fruit of several months of Qualtrics survey reminders and the accompanying participation incentives, which included $50 to American Flatbread and a two-hour couples’ massage package at the Swift House Inn, this study consisted of three different, but related, surveys from which diversity data was gathered, compiled, and the findings extrapolated. To figure out just how diverse the College’s male faculty is, the OIDEI research team conducted a behavior-based survey as well as two perception-based surveys. The first, and most important to the Psychology department, asked male faculty to identify themselves with prompted behavioral patterns given a set of circumstances and locations: in the bedroom, during lecture, when accused of biased grading, when watching Fox News, and when a female faculty member does not include an exclamation point in an emailed request. The perception surveys asked the same faculty to identify themselves, then their departmental colleagues, as either Sigma, Alpha, Beta, Omega, or Gamma males. “The findings were really, super interesting!” exclaimed Nona Coleure, head researcher and assistant director of the OIDEI, “I have never seen so much data incongruence in a single survey series.” Nearly all the men surveyed identified themselves as either a Sigma or Alpha male. 13%, or the Self-Aware Niche as Coleure has termed the group, identified as Beta males. There were no self-reported Gammas and only two of the 170 responses to the self-perception questionnaire indicated an Omega affiliation. OIDEI hypothesizes that these men are either having marital issues or checked the wrong box. In contrast, when grading their colleagues by the same scale of hierarchical masculinity, many study participants assigned their colleagues to a “Beta” or “Omega” designation. Department chairs were most likely to receive an “Alpha” rating from their peers and the majority of “Gamma” designations were giv-

en to visiting professors in the Mathematics and Political Science departments. Not one response identified a member other than the self to be the revered, infamously dashing, independent Sigma male. Although the behavioral responses corroborated the hypotheses of narcissism that some researchers had expected to find, the lack of behavioral charisma and empathy indicated that most were more sociopathic than Sigma or Alpha. Of the study group, Coleure concluded: “It’s quite obvious that Middlebury’s academic appointments possess diverse positions within the pseudo-socio-sexual hierarchy. Although some may call it ‘pseudoscience’ or a dumb little measure of the male ego, superego, and id, we can see real impacts of the self-designations across campus and in the classroom. In the past, these ideas have received less attention as conversations of institutional diversity are centered around race, but recent Reddit posts have forced our team to embrace that the socio-sexual hierarchy does not see color.”

Dear Long-Haired Girls, I’m a long-haired boy and radical feminist who wants to build solidarity and bridge connections across “gender.” As someone with immense male privilege, doing the work is important to me, and I’m also white, which is something to consider. I thought, who better to ask than the long-haired girls? Best, Shawn Mandes (he/him/his)

GAMES & ADVICE

Dear Shawn, Wooorrrrrrrrddddddd — so what’s your question? How long is your hair, anyway? Sometimes boys have “long hair” when really, it’s just the same length as a girl’s bob cut. We spent three summers working on the U.N. Millennium Development Goals as Peacekeeping Women’s outreach fellows, specializing in solidarity and bridging connections across “gender.” (We also run Harvard University’s Virtual Reality Hair Follicle Stimulation Center for Women and Children with Needs, and we’re always looking

for volunteers, so come to our house for more information). But, basically, a lot of people think they want to get into this line of work of bridging “gender” like it’s no biggie, and just takes a medium-length trim, but it’s actually super messy. Every day, we would come home from work and shower for hours, wiping muck off of our long glossy locks, asking God, “Was it worth it?” Should men and women just stay separate, if it means that the long-haired girls might be less physically exhausted at the end of the day? And for what? Just so that men with long hair can also refuse to carry out our trash?

Should girls have to do that? The answer we came to was “so what,” “yes,” “perhaps,” and “no,” respectively. What we’re saying is that just because you have long hair — and we really need to establish how long your hair really is — doesn’t mean you’re ready to be a bridge connector. Especially across “gender.” You want to do the work? Grow your hair out, bitch. Then we can talk. We can tell just by reading your words that your hair hardly even scrapes your shoulders — bitch! Love ya you freak, The Long-Haired Girls

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