When Nish Met Garth

In the early 2000s, Channel 4 aired Darkplace, a seminal supernatural hospital-based drama that was the brainchild of author Garth Marenghi, the novelist (and 2001 Perrier Award winner) behind such smash hits as Slicer, Smasher and Afterbirth. After decades of absence, Marenghi has returned with a new literary masterwork called TerrorTome. Due to Nish Kumar’s publicly documented status as a ‘superfan’ of Marenghi (and a lack of qualified journalists due to the collapse in funding for print media) [ED: Nish, you may be writing this introduction in the third person, but that’s not funny], The List magazine arranged a Zoom call interview between the comedian and the author. The following has been edited for clarity and the removal of burps committed by both interviewer and interviewee . . .

Nish: I’m very happy to be doing this chat Garth, I’m a huge fan of your work, so let me start by asking: how are you?

Garth: I’m thriving, thanks for asking. How are you? In fact, before I ask that, who are you?

Nish: I’m Nish Kumar, a stand-up comedian and a huge fan of your work, which is why I’m very excited to be having this chat with you. So, in the intervening years since Channel 4 screened six episodes of your television show, what have you been up to?

Garth: Well, trying to locate the rest of it, to be frank. And dealing with lawsuits. I’ve also been learning Viking chess and basic swordsmanship. I got separated from family and friends in the late 2000s, first at a funfair, then permanently after an explosive wedding ceremony (literally explosive) between my youngest daughter and her badly chosen suitor. But other than that, I’ve devoted my precious remaining energies to all manifestations of the literary fantastique.

Nish: Do you have a favourite of the six episodes that you were able to recover and were aired?

Garth: No, all were perfect. The one episode that did transcend all others, alas, is melted. Easily the most dangerous thing I’ve ever written. Physically dangerous, you understand, Nish. All we have left is in the title sequence, and if you watch closely, part of the exploding ambulance, which was meant to flip upside down, shot off into the sky and in fact almost brained the main lady actor while she was having a wee in the woods. Because our onset chemical toilet, unfortunately, had been blocked by Todd. And I can prove that too, because we accidentally had one of the cameras rolling while he went. Anyway the lady actor, Madeleine, was nearly brained, and remained traumatised and terrified for the rest of the shoot. With good reason because the near fatal accidents didn’t stop there.

Nish: While we’re on the subject: where is Madeleine Wool?

Garth: Well, I don’t know, I believe pieces of her were discovered under a car park in Milan, of all places. But, unfortunately, at almost exactly the same time as she was found, pieces of Richard III were found beneath a car park in Leicester, which took some shine off the story sadly, and effectively nixed the exhumation.

Nish: Well, Garth, now you’re back with your new novel, TerrorTome. What can you tell us about the plot?

Garth: Nothing whatsoever. There’s an old writer’s adage, you won’t be aware of this Nish, which says: show, don’t tell. So I will show you the plot, but I won’t tell you the plot.

Nish: OK, would you like to show me the plot now? [At this point Marenghi holds up the book to the laptop camera]

Nish: That’s very much the cover and the inside of the book . . . so, you started as a novel writer and by some estimates you’ve written 436 of them. Then you moved into television: what do you consider to be the principal differences between writing a novel and writing for television?

Garth: Physical combat mainly. Writing is a lonely path and intentionally so. TV writing involves what people generally refer to as ‘discussion’ but which I prefer to call ‘unnecessary compromise’. I refuse to debate or dumb down the visceral potency of my visions with producers or channels, and I will resort to violence if remotely challenged. So that’s the main difference really.

Nish: Let’s talk about the specifics of your process because I know people will be curious. How do you write?

Garth: Conventionally, with either a pen or typewriter, but always hands. I would use a Dictaphone but I generally end up throwing those at people so I’ve learned to just cross that out and move straight to the pen or the typewriter.

Nish: And is there an optimum time of day to write?

Garth: When I get up. I do dream a lot, but it’s quite difficult to actually turn those dreams into fiction, unless you’re awake. So that’s the crucial moment: waking and becoming sentient as a human being, in order to function and do your appointed task.

Nish: So hopefully one day there’ll be a way for you to directly transcribe the dreams that you have.

Garth: Yes, and that is actually a constant quest of mine and often comes out in my fiction. But yes, that would be ideal if we could just plug directly into my brain. You’ll understand this when you read tome one of the books. It’s three tomes.

Nish: What would you say, in your opinion, is the scariest word?

Garth: Salamander.

Nish: Were there others you considered when you came to that conclusion?

Garth: Well, you wanted the scariest, and the scariest is salamander. My vision of what salamander represents may differ to yours.

Nish: I’m a conventionally minded individual Garth, so when you say salamander to me, all it conjures up is the animal: what does it mean to you?

Garth: Well, I would say I glimpsed the face of god at one point. I’ve spent a lot of time in the darkness in the last decade or two; not literally, I’m not a spelunker but I have been into the figurative darkness, and I have met the cosmic god that, I think, doesn’t really bind us but tears the universe asunder. And its face was partly mine, but mainly salamander. So that, for me, is the most frightening word.

Nish: Where in the darkness did you encounter the face of god?

Garth: The darkness goes within all of us Nish. I had to turn inward to find it. As I say, I’ve had quite a traumatic time, personally, privately. Not as a writer, I never have trouble as a writer. But certainly it’s been a difficult time. And I’ve had to learn to accept my daughter’s betrothed. Have I learned to accept it? I don’t know. But I have had to at least consider the possibility that he will be part of my family in years to come. And when you’re thinking things like that you’re faced with some pretty grim realities. And I turned inward. And I glimpsed the face of a very dark cosmic god: part me, part salamander.

Nish: And are you and your daughter currently on speaking terms?

Garth: I wouldn’t say speaking terms, we’re on signalling terms. Generally we communicate with flags.

Nish: Garth, how would you describe the genre in which you operate?

Garth: Hor-rotica. The Latin for which is Hor-rotica.

Nish: And this book is being published on November 3rd. It feels logical to have released a horror novel on Halloween. I understand that the delay was the result of an argument with your editor. Can you give me any of the specifics of this argument?

Garth: That’s pish Nish. There was no argument. I disagreed and prevailed.

Nish: And your editor has now caved into your demands.

Garth: If you want the sordid details, here they are: I called him an arsehole, then tore up his notes, which I had previously used to mop up human spillage, and sent him stooping into the night. Two days later, my preferred vision of the text was restored. There was never any argument.

Nish: And are you and your editor on speaking or indeed on signalling terms?

Garth: In all honesty, we’re not quite at flags yet. We’re probably on smoke signals. I will generally rage and storm, and I’ll get my PA to convey that via telephonic means or whatever. I don’t really use email that much, not that I don’t understand it; well, mainly because I don’t understand it. But I prefer to use telephones or smoke signals.

Nish: Do you own a mobile phone, Garth?

Nish: You’re still using fax?

Garth: Yep. This [gestures to computer] is my daughter’s. She’s not in the house today, but she’d rigged me up with this thing here, which I don’t really approve of. I don’t approve of Zoom. I don’t approve of letting anyone into where I write. That’s really why I’m here, because I don’t write here. This is my daughter’s house.

Nish: Yes, Nish.Nish: Is this the daughter you’re on flag terms with?

Garth: Oh god, no, I won’t talk to her. No, this is my other daughter.

Nish: So this is volume one of three, and something you’ve pulled from your archive, from a long-lost epic?

Garth: Yes, they’ve been written at various points over the last decade or two. Technically they were never lost to me, only to mankind. If publishers had heeded my warnings and printed my visions when prompted, none of the issues in this world would exist. Mankind would have evolved and shamans like myself

Garth: I own an old Nokia.Nish: And that’s your main means of communication?Garth: Yep. Or fax.would be ruling benevolently. Or not.

Nish: And why have you decided now is the time to publish this?

Garth: In all honesty, I met Ken Hodder at a horror writers convention curry, and he had agreed to read my latest manuscript in exchange for a bhuna. So that’s really what brought it about.

Nish: Can we expect the rest of them anytime soon?

Garth: Well, you can expect anything Nish, that’s your prerogative as a human being. Whether you receive what you expect, well that’s another matter, and largely dependent on financial remuneration. In which case, hopefully next year.

Nish: You’ve said that you saw a lot of the problems in the world coming. In which case, as a final question, what do you see coming for us and do you feel optimistic for us as a species?

Garth: TerrorTome is coming next for us, and so yes, I do feel optimistic for the species.

Nish: That’s a perfect place to round things off. Thank you for taking the time to speak to me.

Garth: And it’s Nish, is it?

Garth: Well, thank me, mainly. But I guess thank you for doing this but mainly thank me. The onus is really on you to thank me.

Nish: And that’s an onus I fully accept.

Garth: You may have thanked me before I said that, in which case . . . well, I generally as a rule don’t apologise, so I won’t apologise for that. You may have said it, and I don’t really make mistakes but I may have inadvertently failed to heed your commentary upon this. Anyway, this is about done timewise, isn’t it? I’ve got a steak in the oven.

Nish: Yes, we’re done, thank you Garth.

Garth Marenghi’s TerrorTome is published by Hodder Studio on Thursday 3 November; Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace is available on All 4 (if you dare); Nish Kumar is a stand-up comedian and will be on a stage or on the telly soon no doubt.