The Lemon Press - Issue 51

The Lemon Press is a privilege, not a right

Editors' Introduction This time of year marks two things, the inevitable march towards another YUSU election, where a number of people will ask ‘what's the point?’ and an even greater number of people won’t even go that far in giving a shit, and the inevitable march to the great mantle of the Lemon Press being passed on. And in my time in the Lemon Press I can look back to the many things this magazine has achieved like; slightly annoying Peter Hitchens, causing people to ask ‘why are there so many articles about gloryholes?’, and generally being as much of a nuisance as possible. Well with a long list of achievements like that I can be ready to move on, knowing I’ve made an impact on campus.

Life after the Lemon Press is something not generally known to science, so I’m hoping to break new ground and report back, or more likely I’ll find out the former Lemon Press editors are decommissioned, never to be seen or used again unless the country is facing some great emergency that can only be stopped by incredibly powerful brain worms.

YUSU election season is here, so we’ve got our usual coverage of YUSU elections; which is something that is still adjusting to a post Robert Mugabe world. In this issue we also have a groundbreaking report on how streams nearly brought down parliament, which hasn’t been covered anywhere else for some reason, a quiz to find your ‘Lemon Press Lover’, the Drectator, Scuzzfeed, a surprising existent sport section (with an even more surprising amount of restraint in screed against Michael Masi), and the Horoscopes with fortune teller Emma.

Editors names go here Chris and Dan

Writing Contest Winners WINNER: Q Cummins Runners Up: Emily Beasley, Adam Berry, KC Wong Thank you to everyone who entered, we were (genuinely) suprised with the quality of entries!

You're in for a real treat with this one.

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes

pp 3‐8 pp 9‐13 pp 14‐17 pp 18 pp 19‐23 pp 24‐28 pp 29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Chris Small and Dan Bennett Deputy Editors: Harry James and Bex Scott Sub Editors: Lucas Lefley & Caitlin Hyland

Campus Editors: Lydia Cunningham & Laura Burnell News & Politics Editor: Cameron Stenhouse Lifestyle Editor: Kris Matveeva Science & Tech Editor: Ben Brown Arts Editors: Jack Mackay & Emma Dixon Features Editor: Beth Hubbard Sports Editor: Ronnie Young Illustrators: Dan Bennett (Front Cover, Back Cover & Various), Will Rowan (Inside Cover & Various), Chris Small (Various), Alex Towells (Various), Matt Davis (Various), Ben Brown (Various), Beth Hubbard (Various) President: Beth Hubbard Treasurer: Dan Bennett Secretary: Will Rowan Vice-President: Niall McGenity Social Secretary: Chris Small & Beth Hubbard Ordinary Members: Alex Towells & Harry Clay Contributors: Matt Davis, Chay Quinn, Emily Beasley, Terence John Mckenna, Grant Shapps, Nick Stokes, Connor Sanders, Phoebe Rhodes, Q Cummins, Henry Bishop, Adam Berry, Frej Manning Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 14th Feburary 2022.

Contents

2

A man has fallen in the lake at the YUSU election after party

It's that time again! We've barely had time to enjoy the splendor of benifits given to us by this year's Sabbatical Officers, so take a moment to step outside the new student nightclub, put down that fresh kit brought by your strike reimbursement and stop enjoing whatever the fuck Patrick put in his manifesto, because it's time to vote again! Do not leave the house, campus is off limits for a few weeks now. Going there will only see you approached by the nation's future civil servants and primary school teachers, or a joke candidate with the same comedic talents as a gravestone you read on your way to respect a newly-deceased relative yet with somehow less social media presence. So stay locked indoors and seal the windows shut, all you need is this guide to the candidates that we (assume) are running in this year's election. We are confident these are the actual candidates, but if not, tear out the picture of the one YOU want to win and eat it. Eat it now. If enough of you digest our magazine YUSU will have to take action! That action may not be exactly what you want, and involves several phychiatric evaluations, but that's democracy baby!

Joseph Kony We’ve all heard of Kony 2012, but now it’s time for ‘Kony 4 YUSU president 2022’. Key policy: Upgrade from child soldiers to University Student soldiers.

Captain Tom’s

The Save D‐bar

family

Campaign

The family already have experience as Trustees of a charitable organisation, and are ready to bring this experience to YUSU. Key policy: More money spent on consultants

3

Neil Coyle Having got himself barred from all of parliament's bars, Neil is looking forward to being able to use the ones on campus.

Key Policy: Criminalising succulent Chinese meals

Campus

Fresh off their ‘victory’ the save D-Bar campaign now wishes to create the legitimate electoral wing of what was previously a terrorist organisation. Key Policy: Bomb DBar and radiclise the moderates

Mike Bloomberg Mike Bloomberg’s back. After trying and failing to run for all 5 roles in 2020 he’s only trying for president this time round. Key Policy: Outspending all the

No one We tried to find a 4th candidate, but no one could be bothered, so there isn’t one, not even some mug with a silly middle name. Sorry. Key Policy: Apathy

Martin Reynolds Having already proven himself adept at organising parties, Martin Reynolds is the candidate for activities officer presenting an alternative to York Parties. Key Policy: Wine Time Fridays to become an official YUSU club night

NFWally Non-fungible Wally, the latest revolution in block-chain technology.

Key Policy: Protect Turning Point by using the blockchain to stop parody accounts. img credits: D Bar: Jack Davies

Can't believe it is this time of year again

Don't bother building the resuce helicopter, the lake isn't very deep

Dominic Cummings' Substack Attempting to echo the success of xoxo Gossip Girl, this candidate won;t actually do anything during it's stay but you BET it's gonna spill some tea once you vote it out

Joe Rogan's Podcast Finally, the worst guy in your flat will get interested in student politics! Joe will put elk meat on the Courtyard menu and petition for [I haven't actually listened to Joe Rogan before so feel free to add your own joke here]

Cressida Dick Newly unemployed and now following the well trodden path of those without any prospects by running for YUSU. At least she’ll get some amusing cardboard out of her name.

'The One thing we didn't want to happen' Look, launching a one-man prison vessel into space look like such a good idea at the time, which is pretty in keeping with most YUSU election pledges. Key Policy: Better pre-flight checks for one-man prison vessels

Kurt Zouma

Michael Masi Arbitrary decision making, constant unpopularity, and a complete lack of transparency. In every way YUSU is the perfect organisation for Michael Masi.

West Ham have been considering the appropriate punishment for Zouma, and have decided to make him run for YUSU elections. Key Policy: Save money on footballs by merging cat soc with the

It feels sooner every year

Molly Mae's New Book All the other candidates are going to have the same 24 hours in the day to campaign as this book. Key policies: Closing the mines and introducing the Poll Tax.

The Bogdanoffs The first anti-vax YUSU e lection campaign has run into the slight complication of both candidates being dead.

Eagle eyed readers may spot the connection between these two facts.

Kurt Zouma’s ﴾Ex﴿ Cat In this bitterly personal race, this cat is seeking electoral revenge. Key policy: Ensure that the nice but rather thin cat that's often seen around campus is better fed.

Elon Musk's Twitter The worst guy you know is now really invested in these elections. First election campaign to be funded by blood emeralds. Key Policy: YUSU pension fund to be spent on dogecoin

Doorsafe YUSU’s equivalent of a UN peacekeeping operation, now seeking electoral success after successfully preventing the paramilitary arms of the colleges from fighting. Key Policy: Crackdown on Hockey

The England Batting Order Currently intending to the role along side the cricketing day job, but endeavour to carry on doing their best to turn test cricket into a one day-affair.

Campus

4

It’s only two inches but smells like a foot

Inhabitant of Dying Planet Celebrates Exam Results With Pathetic Tiny Treat Whilst scientists released a report predicting societal collapse in the event of extreme climate change, local York student Devon McAllister celebrated getting an ultimately meaningless mark on his Quantum Chemistry exam paper by getting an underwhelming takeaway in a move that experts are calling ‘a pathetic display of ignorance’.

'I'm shocked, when I handed it in I thought I had barely passed, I seriously never expected to get a first on it!' said Devon, who quite rightly held the assumption that nothing good would ever happen to him again. But, instead of locking himself away to prevent this brief wave of serotonin being flatlined upon contact with the real world, as any normal person would do, the naive chemistry student instead inflicted his 'good' news onto everyone else in his house.

'I could tell that I should be happy for him', a flatmate told The Lemon Press, 'but he made me pause halfway through a video about modern antibiotic resistance so the vibe was kind of off.' Not content with taking up other people’s valuable worrying time once that afternoon, Devon went further by threatening his flatmates with warnings of ‘I’m thinking of getting a Dominos later if you want anything?’. Our source revealed that Devon ‘only orders-in food when something good happens, it is like he doesn't know any other way to celebrate the handful of self-described “achievements” he will ever be able to make before inevitably being torn apart by nanobots in the Great War For Resources.’

Upon nobody taking him up on his offer, Devon told his equally-doomed flatmates 'I might just get something from Deliveroo then, as a little treat' with a sense of levity that suggested he had completely forgotten about the geopolitical catastrophe that was set to unfold on the Ukrainian border. Instead of watching the Doomsday clock, Devon watched the Deliveroo map and, by some miracle, the rider did not sporadically lose the will to live before the food was dropped off. The reward for weeks of hard work, an extra large burger with an extortionate delivery fee, was deemed to be ‘a bit soggy and cold’ by Devon who had to have some crisps less than an hour later after the underwhelming meal left him unfilled.

A psychology professor at the University of York noted that, ‘Quite simply we are living in a post-YUSU-declaring-a-climateemergency world, and it is genuinely rather disturbing to see the lengths this young man will go to in order to mentally distance himself from that fact. What on earth will this man get if he graduates? Two burgers? Four? An extra side because it’s a “big day”? I shudder to think.’

Dan Bennett

D‐Bar Opening Again but Only if You’re a Good Little Boy D-Bar is set to finally reopen after closing its doors in 2020. Fans of the bar will notice several changes.

You’re now required to promise to ‘be a good boy, a really good boy, I’m sorry for being a bad boy before mummy and I won’t bring in any outside drinks because I’m a good boy’ before entry.

Once the new punters enter the establishment, they will be welcomed by a brilliant bronze statue erected in the honour of those brave warriors who brought D-Bar back from the brink. They signed a petition, manned the front-lines of a messenger chat, and occasionally said ‘what’s happening with D-Bar?’. They are true heroes and if anything I don’t think this 20ft statue of Zeus straddling a bull goes far enough.

Will Rowan

5

Campus

If you've found the missing piece

Roses are white, violets are blue; I wrote this header, while on the loo

Least Funny Guy You Know Running As ‘Joke’ Candidate in YUSU Elections

Places on Campus to Hide the Corpses of the Last Two Northern White Rhinos

Some guy vaguely adjacent to a familiar society is currently plotting a YUSU election campaign armed with one joke, wildly unrealistic confidence, and a friendship group full of enablers.

They hope this is going to fill that gaping hole in their life. It’s not. If it solely relies on a costume or adding a made-up middle name, it’s probably been done before and, if it hasn’t, there’s usually a good reason. Take solace in the fact this is the end of the beginning of the events that set up that particularly extreme mid-life crisis as soon as they graduate.

Will Rowan

I didn’t kill them. I just want to make that clear. I have never killed, injured, or in any other way caused misfortune to the final pair of Northern White Rhinos in existence. However, in the unfortunate case that I or anyone reading this were to completely unintentionally slaughter those two beautiful, surprisingly-fragile-boned creatures, and I/they happened to panic and bring their bodies to York rather than own up to it, I have created a handy review of the potential hiding places.

Nouse Of The Day ﴾May 1st 2020﴿ With the COVID-19 pandemic gripping the world in fear, destroying the economy and nearly taking the life of poor Boris Johnson, it is understandable that many are rushing to get the vaccine. However, we at Nouse urge caution before you go getting yourself injected with potentially dangerous chemicals.

The contents of the vaccine as of May 1st 2020 have only been tested on mice and rats' lungs, and you know what those little shits are like, they’ll consume anything! Those little idiots will eat rat poison when it literally says on the bottle it’s poison. For rats! You shouldn’t trust what they do, let alone risk your life based on the experience of some rat! We had this problem when Ratatouille came out, just a bunch of dudes putting rats in their hair! Keep that rat out of there!

We may have lost the thread of the original point there for a second, but our argument remains: wait for the results of human trials before deciding if you want to get the vaccine., which should be the case as of 2022.

Nouse are now on Music.ly! Follow us to watch an exclusive Don’t Judge (Our Political Opinions) Challenge!

Dan Bennett

Nouse Buys Hit Game ‘I Spy With My Little Eye’ Keen to intensify their competition with the New York Times, Nouse have finalised a deal to purchase the popular kids' game ‘I spy With My Little Eye’.

The game will finally see members of Nouse’s editorial team try to spot a word beginning with L and also ending in L. Then, if they don’t spot that, you can also get involved by trying to spot the missing pages in their freshers issue.

Will Rowan

Please let us know. We can't find it

Exhibition Centre - We have all at some point or another wandered down the endless corridors of Physics and thought, 'Yes, here's a place that could conceivably hide the corpses of the last two Northern White Rhinos.' You wouldn’t even have to continue to worry about people trying to find the rhino murderer, you could just say, ‘The rhinos just walked in and got lost trying to find their supervision room, the poor girls starved to death.' All you have to do is convince one staff member that the rhinos were doing vital work for the scientific community and they’d bend over backwards to help you!

22 Acres - Nah not a chance mate, have you ever used that field?

It is the most perfectly smooth surface imaginable, basically an ice-skating rink in a grass-based form. Even if you could dig two pits for the rhinos, you better dig a third for yourself as you’d never get the ground inch-perfect enough to hide what you did.

Go on, why not dump those dead rhinos in front of the Mona Lisa while you’re at it if you hate ART so much.

The Lake - Do rhinos float? I am not sure, but my expertise on the physical properties of rhinos began fairly recently, around the time that the ‘£20 self-guided Safari’ offer was going around.

Hopefully it would sink and stay at the bottom, or even better the 'water' would wash off the white paint and reveal them to be two regular rhinos, ending a horrible multi-continental prank that quite frankly has gone too far now. They were both females so the species was doomed anyway, it's quite frankly ridiculous that you would launch a full-on manhunt for the person who killed them, if anything the (presumably handsome and charming) individual who did it saved a charity thousands of pounds by stopping a pointless conservation project.

Courtyard - Not sure this one would work in all honesty, there’s not enough space as it is to wear a mildly-large backpack around the tables, let alone smuggle the dead bodies of two Northern White Rhinos. The only practical option is to hide them in the kitchen where they keep the meats, but even the culinary amoebas that roam the venue would be mad for the succulent, tender White Rhino hide, and riots would form when that limited edition burger goes off the menu.

Dan Bennett

Campus

6

Warning: May contain traces of egg

Panopto Captions Actually Cry For Help The University of York community was in shock today after it was discovered the Panopto captions were actually typed out by a man using the service to send help messages. The service, just assumed to be using a standard auto-captioning system that wasn’t particularly fit for the purpose of online learning or assisting the hearing-impared, was in fact employing several dudes to write their subtitles at the start of the pandemic.

‘It started off with 6 of us,’ said the anonymous man, recently freed from his shackles. ‘Sure we were taken off the street and forced to watch hundreds of hours of lectures, but we had a nice little team down there. We got along well, but all good things must come to an end, and one by one we turned on each other. Bobby the Dazzler had been given the politics and economics lectures and over time just became the most insufferable shit going, we took the decision to all strangle him in his sleep, ‘et tu Bobby’ style. Desmond appreciated that reference, not because he did the History lectures, but because he did the Interactive Media ones and so had a load of free time on his hands to look at history videos. He eventually died after we were permitted a once-a-year movie night and he started giving opinions on what film we should watch. Even in his last breath he was still demanding we watch Tenet.

‘Next was Steve the STEM boy. Did you know physics is just applied maths? Did you know chemistry is just applied physics? Did you know biology is just applied chemistry? Steve did! Oh fuck Steve did. He was wielding the STEM knowledge like some form of Quadrisci Infinity Gauntlet, he was a 50 year old construction worker who was about to discover Reddit for the first time before we finished him off. A mercy killing really.

‘Of course, all the captions had to be done, so we were given more work to do and mistakes eventually crept in. A typo here, a “their” instead of “they’re” there, all understandable mistakes when you’re doing two at 4x speed simultaneously. The other two died from the stress alone, which was inconvenient as I hadn’t eaten the meat off the others yet. But as our overlords seemed not to do anything to correct the typos, I tested the water. Swear words, profanity, still nobody came to punish me. So for the past year I have been littering it with clues in the hopes somebody would find me.’

The anonymous man's capture was discovered by final-year Maths student Gwenyth Bytheway. 'I was watching and suddenly the caption said the cosine of theta times i was inversely proportional to the sum of gamma over log n, when instead it as clearly directly proportional. There's no way a system would make such a blunder unless they were actualy a person putting clues in for help!' Said Gwenyth, who missed the first three minutes of continous 'HELP ME I AM LOCKED IN A BASEMENT UNDER FLARES' as 'everyone skips those bits anyway'.

Dan Bennett

How To Survive Goose Mating Season: It’s that time of year again, the time when all the geese of the University of York Campus try their hand at courting a mate, here are some tips to help you survive goose mating season.

Dress Up As A Fox: as one of the goose’s natural predators, you’re sure to keep their amorous eyes off your back by dressing up as their major predator. The more realistic the better.

Play Imagine Dragons: whilst a known aphrodisiac for humans and stick insects, Imagine Dragons is a massive turn-off for geese so would be sure to ruin the mood that those geese were trying to create.

Carry A Ready Supply Of Custard Pies: they are sure to back off after the sheer embarrassment of having custard and pastry all over their feathers.

Get A Long Stick: throw it and tell the geese to go fetch to create a distraction to give you time to sacrifice a friend. I’ll always miss you Jack.

If all else fails, take that goose on a romantic date, show it the sights of york, have a picnic in the Minster Gardens. Who knows - maybe it’ll even work out.

Matt Davis 7

Section

Image Credit Matt Davis

Our website is still new, sort of

The Joker is having to self­isolate and you won’t want to meet him afterwards

Does YOUR Student Society Say 'Fuck'?

You know the ancient saying, 'Shaggy says “Zoinks”, Scooby says “Ruh-Roh”, Velma says “Jinkies”, Daphne says “Jeepers”, but what does Fred say? Fred says “Fuck”.' Well, we at The Lemon Press have combined three of our favourite topics (societies, stereotyping, and swearing), to establish if your society joins the great man in saying “fuck”, or if they speak with somewhat more decorum. Thus, join us meddling kids in determining if YOUR society says “fuck”...

Beekeeping Society: Only if they get stung.

FragSoc: Yes, alongside a stream of various slurs that’d haunt our Editor’s nightmares.

The French Society: No, but they do say “Merde”.

The Lemon Press: We wrote the article, of course we do.

Louis Theroux Society: Does Louis Theroux say fuck? No, not on screen at least. So no.

Philosophy Society: Do *you* say fuck?

Scouts and Girl Guides at York: Their mum says that’s a bad word, so no.

Shakespeare Society: No, sir, they do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but they bite their thumb, sir.

Societies Takeover Goes Too Far, Takes Over Crimean Border Sophie Kelly’s plan for a society takeover night this week went too far as YUSU’s societies took over the Crimean Border. The event, meant to end at Flares, saw several societies get too worked up during the Vanbrugh Arms pre-drinks and agree to end the Russia-Ukraine tensions through ‘extreme force and vibes’.

The night began tense with York Tories and York Labour ready to confront, however quickly found a middle-ground compromise by kicking the last remaining member of the Lib Dem society to death. Meanwhile, Disney Society and Cat Society inexplicably started having a conversation on the nuanced differences between communism and Marxism, which inevitably lead to talking about how to fix the geopolitical situation in Ukraine. ‘We were so empowered by managing to take over Flares, on a THURSDAY of all days, that the power went to our heads’, one enthusiastic member of the Animal Crossing Society told us whilst bleeding from the forehead after a skirmish got out of hand. ‘We just had to go over there and sort it out, I’ve put on my CV this committee position helps with leadership skills so it would be a piece of cake! It turns out the UB2 wasn’t cancelled, it just rerouted to go to Crimea so we were there in a few hours!’

Naturally, hearing so many people talk nonstop about their societies drove the patrolling guards into a blood-lusted frenzy. As tanks from both Russia and Ukrainian armies took aim at the collection of societies at the break of dawn, Nouse arrived at the Vanbrugh Arms ‘ready to report on a night of fun and frolics’. Sophie Kelly’s public office phone was blown up with calls from UN ambassadors demanding that Fragsoc stop their provocative, international-peace-threatening action, meaning that she cut the line weeks ago and was unable to receive calls .

Dan Bennett

Slam Society: Will write six stanzas of superfluous shit before they so much as stammer it.

The Sports Societies: Every time they get turned away from Salvos on a Wednesday.

URY: Literally barred by OFCOM from doing so.

YSTV: Absolutely.

Alex Towells

How To Make People On Campus Think You Have Tastier Cum

1 - Sleep with people who have lower standards 2 - Bring someone else's cum to the gloryhole, but use a really distinctive laugh so peope know it's you.

3- Combine 1 and 2.

4 - Just eat pineapple you silly billy!

Mr Pollyfiller

Lemonpress.co.uk

Image Credit Alex Towells

Section

8

What is the charge? Eating a lemon, a succulent pressed lemon

Daddy Issues: Our Issues With Father Time ‘You’re 25,' they ask, incredulous.

‘Yes,’ I respond, pulling out a Werther’s Original from my pocket, licking my lips. ‘So you were born in the twentieth century?’, they probed further. A glint of nostalgia flickered across my eyes, ‘Yes indeed, 1996 was the year, 'twas a simpler time, the Spice Girls were just taking off, Dolly the Sheep had recently been cloned, and it was Mad Cow disease that was doing the rounds in England, yes simpler times.' My Gen-Z flatmates crowded round, eager for my knowledge, hanging on my every word as I worked on my boiled caramel candy.

I may be a mature student, but I put my teeth in the same way everybody else does, and having returned to university after two years of living a high-flying lifestyle as a stay-at-home daughter during a plague, my return to education was an adjustment. While 25 doesn’t appear that old, remember the X-Factor once had a specific category for the over- 25s, aptly titled the overs, albeit whether I’m over the hill or under it I am yet to decide. My main discrepancy within this article is the blatant mockery towards me by these ageist whippersnappers. I want to go on record and state that once you surpass 21, you’re not snatched by a hoard of demonic cloaked figures and escorted to the near-death star, nor do you suddenly turn into dust to be consumed by a wandering Roomba... whatever that is.

What does happen once you pass 21 is you’re swiftly yeeted into adulthood and, instead of confronting Thanos, having finally called you out on the liver damage you sustained during those heavy nights out, you’re confronted with yourself and who you’re going to be. It sounds corny, but put that phone down for one damn minute and listen up, in my old age I do have wisdom to impart, and can truly say that growing older isn’t a curse, isn’t a burden, isn’t something to fear, it is exciting. Bar the climate emergency, the threat of war in Ukraine, and COVID-19 changing suits once again… we might not have very long left, however there is still the opportunity to grow into yourself whilst you can. Life is like any motorised vehicle, when you first begin driving it’s scary, you make a shit-load of mistakes, you’re overturned in a ditch a fair few times and you have to follow others just to make sure you’re driving in the correct lane.

However, with time comes experience, young grasshopper, knowledge of what you like, what you don’t, you define your tastes, you might upgrade, change your style and you might even start enjoying yourself. The possibilities are endless and getting older is not synonymous with being useless, nor should it come with guilt that you’re a failure. It’s bloody fantastic to grow into your individuality, to build your integrity and raise your standards, 'cause boy were mine low in my youth. There is so much to look forward to and if you can give your attention to anything, give it to yourself, because one day you’ll have to confront the dreams of your younger self whilst in your Metaverse care home and you’ll most likely have to explain why you compromised them. Trust me, there is so much good to come, enjoy the growth, and for goodness’s sake, put a coat on it's freezing out.

Emily Beasley

York Tories Shocked That Women Exist The York Tories are delighted to announce that there are more women on their committee than ever before, and are stunned to believe they are actually real. The committee held its first meeting this year and were gobsmacked at the appearance of real human women who believe in the ruling class maintaining their dominance of poor ‘people’. Even their most recent social was a riot (the party riot, not the peasantry Billy Elliot one) as for the first time drunk Tories got talk to real women, not the cardboard cut-out of Margaret Thatcher. The York Tories are trying to appeal to a broader range of groups with new far reaching programmes like ‘Girlboss and gatekeep migrants from reaching the UK’ and Aryn Rand hour: How can we destroy the NHS? Cameron Stenhouse 9

Campus

Scams In York Here at The Lemon Press we care about student wellbeing and so like to inform you of some scams that have been affecting students. This is our guide to scams to help you become more aware: Phishing Scam - The price of Ben & Jerry's Phish food in the vending machine is a scam.

The price is unbelievably high and the tubs are even smaller than you’d think. Avoid if possible.

Fishing Scam - We’re pretty sure fish can’t survive the toxic waters that surround the University of York, any attempt to convince you to feed the fish as some sort of romantic activity is a con.

You’re more likely to be throwing fish food into someone's discarded vape.

Free Pizza At Society Meetings and Elections - I’ve never actually been to a society meeting but I just don’t really believe it to be honest. You always hear stories about how people turn up after the pizza is gone as though it was ever there.

Dog Society - Buying the DogSoc membership just before dog meet ups had to be suspended due to insurance issues, very annoyed. Not really a scam I guess because it’s been fixed now but I just needed to vent.

Yusnow - Not really a skiing society, it only snows once or twice a year in York at best. No point really is there?

Matt Davis

Find us on Facebook

We had a writing jam, I would've called it a curd myself

Things in York That I Could Take In a Fight For legal reasons, everyone in this was the one initiating the fight, this is just my view from the perspective of self defence.

The Ruddy Shelduck - I'm not messing around here, one kick and that thing is done for, I don't care about its status, in a combat situation I will strike any waterfowl and more of you should be aware of that fact. Maybe you would respect me more if you did.

Any Lib Dem - I feel like they would just sort of lay there in a fetal position and let it happen. Which to be fair may be the best option, I would almost feel pity for them and stop. Almost. Almost pity.

17% of Geese - The number is probably higher, but I bet at least 17% of the campus' geese population is either old or injured or a baby or too much of a coward to fight me. We all rehearse fighting a goose in our heads when we walk past one [RIGHT?!? - Ed] and I feel like this 17% I could beat no question.

My Inner Demons - I’ve been feeling quite happy and self-assured recently, I think I could take my inner demons in a fight now!

Nans - Graduation? Seeking a degree later in life? Or are they just here to visit? Either way you bet I could beat those Nans, oh lordy, I'm too in touch with my feminine side to let them get away with any wiley tricks, I'll just go straight through them like a coked-up bull on rollerskates!

Algae - You give me any lary algae, I'm putting my fist through it, mate. I'm not taking any lip from some photosynthetic eukaryotic, do I look like a soft lad to you? Fuck off mate, why catch the sun when you can catch these hands. Dickheads.

Doorsafe Team - They would let me win because they are so very generous and kind. Of course if they tried they could all beat me instantly and in the gentlest way humanly possible, but using their amazing people skills they would interpret that I needed to beat them in a fight for the sake of my own mental health, and pretend to lose to make me feel better. I love Doorsafe so fucking much, Jesus Christ.

Boxing Team - Hear me out: has anyone tried to tell them jokes? All I would have to do is land a few rib-ticklers from a distance to slow them down whilst I try to find a large stick. Boxers are honorable creatures, they wouldn’t find a bigger stick or anything, and if they did I would simply tell more jokes!

ComedySoc Committee - Hear me out: has anyone tried to tell them jokes? Only I had to sit through one of their stand up routines and I’m not actually sure they have been told one before. A group of people who self-identify as funny, and I could take them all by telling one knock-knock joke that would physically split their sides.

Dan Bennett

Love York Branding Pulled After Everyone Who Loves York Dies in Freak Accident

York Tories Accidently Host Fox Bunting Social

Blaming a rare typo on their weekly newsletter, the University of York Conservatives were forced this week to host a fox-bunting crafting social. A spokesperson for the York Tories said ‘When writing the announcement of our The Lemon Press is saddened to report that YUSU’s fox hunting social we became distracted by the tragic news of the Protest Bill Love York branding campaign is being retired after not making it through parliament, so a spelling mistake slipped through while every last person who loves York died last night. we emotionally recovered’.

It’s believed the sudden mass death can be traced back to last year’s Love York Awards. A police source told The Lemon Press ‘What did they expect?

They put everyone who loves York all in one place at one time? It was the right time to strike. Take them all out in one righteous strike. I only have to hate Love York once, they have to Love York every day.’

Will Rowan

We're still there

Unfortunately, nobody on the committee realised the mistake before the event itself and the group, donning full fox and hunter costumes, turned up to Courtyard only to be greeted by dozens of eager art fans all wanting to make cute bunting of foxes. ‘I didn’t suspect anything was weird at all!’ One fresher said after the event. ‘I just really love foxes! Sure I was disappointed to read that there was no hunting where we could chase those small guys around to give them treats and pats on the head, but it was still fun to paint their faces on little flags while talking about the swarm of socialism with like minded people!’

Dan Bennett

Campus

10

Neil Coyle: you’re on our list

Andrew Adonis Declares FBPE Sovereignty as ‘Outer Bevin' Andrew Adonis - a man denied his HS2 East - is to form an FBPE army without a nation on an abandoned oil rig off the coast of East Anglia. Tony Blair has already been elected "Big Boss" of the band of stateless Europhiles, and begun work on a weapon to surpass Dominic Cummings.

Burning with revenge for the referendum stolen from them, they pledge go to the depths of hell (Grimsby) to take back the country they lost.

Grant Shapps

Boris Johnson Resigns Pressure grew, almost volcano-like, these last few weeks, and this has culminated with Johnson resigning, before a full eruption occurred. It seems you can't relax nowadays at home and hold work related events simultaneously, whilst consuming copious amounts of booze and inviting a hundred people.

The demand for Johnson's services was well-documented, undoubtedly he has chosen to cash-in and pass the baton whilst there is stability and a chance for for a smooth transmission.

The new PM will take over with the relatively easy tasks of rebuilding our relationship with Europe, finding an effective strategy to combat a worldwide pandemic, the next step to prevent a potential world war as the Russian bear awakens, fixing soaring fuel prices, finding over 100,000 employees for jobs the Brits deem meaningless, 20,000 police, 84,000 staff for the NHS, 120,000 for the armed forces, not forgetting the continuous look for trade deals that it previously had whilst an EU member. The prime minister chortled "errr look, now, errr, well yes and...quite rightly I got the wheels in motion on err all of the aforementioned issues, do you not want to know what I'm going to be doing? I leave with us well placed to continue the sterling work I along with well, yes err most, of my cabinet and ministers, this is not Churchill taking the reins from Chamberlain, you won't draw me in to comment on any of this of course and I wish Jacob my successor well, well if he was to run of course, of course he, err may not, he may continue his role as a haunted pencil ".

The rumours are true, he will accompany President Trump, as an aide/assistant, who is to undertake a two-year tour doing the lecture circuiit as the former president has been inundated with invites to make universities great again.The tour will take in the UK ancients and LSE, the Ivy league, Ecole polytechnics Lausanne, culminating with a nine month political scientist in residence stint at M.I.T. Areas the former POTUS will speak on is, the benefits of a Islamic ban and super genius genes racehorse Minnesota theory a field of study he hopes all elite universities will now incorporate into their curriculum.

Terence John Mckenna

Revealed: Downing Street Lockdown Nazi Sex Orgy

The stream of party revelations has carried on coming out of Downing Street, with the latest revealing a Nazi sex orgy. The Lemon Press understands that those present for the orgy don't want to be named. For taste reasons we have not investigated whether the swing in the garden was used during the course of events. Boris Johnson claims that whilst he was present in Downing Street at the time, he struggled to tell the difference between a Nazi sex orgy and a normal work event.

Chris Small

Doorsafe Given Ghislaine Maxwell Job Bad news conspiracy fans and/or Andrew Neil, convicted monster and royalist Ghislaine Maxwell has been placed under the protection of York's Doorsafe team! Maxwell's legal team confirmed that her cell shall be guarded around the clock by three to four hunky and incorruptible senior members of Doorsafe to prevent her suffering a similar fate to Epstien.

'There's literally no safer team in the world, with their experience of keeping students safe they are the obvious choice to protect and watch over this vulnerable poor woman' a spokesman told The Spectator, ‘if Maxwell were to die in the near future, which she won’t, it would be Doorsafe’s fault, but since they are infallible there is no risk of history repeating itself.' A member of Maxwell's legal team also spoke to the press, saying 'Even though I believe her innocence, even I don't think she is so pure as to deserve 24/7 attention from Doorsafe when time and staff constraints already force them to turn away so many MakeAWish requests.'

Unbelievably, some people have dared question this staffing decision. Investigating the issue, the BBC contacted unbiased political commentator Henry Dyer who said 'Nah mate, not Doorsafe, nah get the fuck, that Ghistaline is safe as houses mate [I've never really spoken to Henry that much, I may just be mistaking him from my Dad due to the fear I have of both of them criticising me - Ed], they're absolute [REMOVED], just the biggest [REMOVED] in the world but they do the job! I've even employed a few of them to protect my name from being linked to Lemon Press articles on Google searches.'

Dan Bennett

11

News & Politics

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You're not you when you're hungry. Eat this page. Now.

Captain Tom Foundation Closing Down Sale

Things Captain Tom Would Want

Marred by rumours that a charity foundation may not be completely devoted to giving the highest possible amount of money to those who need it, the Captain Tom Foundation is closing down and putting some of their vast range of products on sale. Here is an exclusive look at some products you will soon be able to own for a low low price!

1. The entirety of this magazine to be published unredacted 2. D Bar to come back 3. Cheaper nachos in Courtyard 4. The Lemon Press to get a larger office 5. Bring back the curry of the day and the sausage and mash at Courtyard.

Chris Small

‘Heroes of The Pandemic Trading Cards’ - The hit top trump eque card game that was set to take the nation by storm the minute the pandemic ends (circa 2025), play against your friends and fellow survivors using all your favourite COVID-19 era characters including Captain Tom Moore, Hannah Ingram-Moore, Max Moore, Pippa Crerar, Rishi Sunak, the Baskins Robbins mascot, the squid from Squid Game, Mr Astra and Mrs Zeneca, Marina Hyde, the bloke who installed CCTV in Hancock’s office and, last but never least, The Queen. Categories will be announced the second it is decided if you can scale Her Majesty The Queen on scores of ‘strength’ and ‘bangability’.

Captain Tom TomTom - A product instantly commissioned when someone thought of the name without anyone thinking of how they would get the necessary voiceover from a man who died a year ago. The solution was simple; the TomTomTom destroys your car the second you put it in, forcing you to walk just like Captain Tom had to (unfortunately the limited edition Barbados version, with a complete set of voiceovers, sold out ages ago).

Captain Tom Aftershave - Not a hit as they tried to make it smell like Captain Tom during the height of his fame, therefore customers are spraying themselves with the smell of a 99 year old man who's spent the summer walking around the garden. Anyone buying it has been put on a list and given a Sunday Mail column.

Conservative MPs Form a Tiktok Hype House Due to recent arguments within the Conservative Party, a group of Conservative MPs have decided to break away from the Tory party and indeed politics altogether to form a TikTok Content House. The move is rumoured to have been led by Michael Gove who made the decision for this career change a little while after his killer dance moves were spotted in the wild. When asked to comment on the matter Mr. Gove said “well, ultimately it’s always been a dream of mine to join a TikTok content house, what better time to do it than now, especially when I can convince other MPs who are looking for a job to do it with me. You should see Matt Hancock doing the worm!”

It is rumoured that the content house will focus on coming up with dances to club remixes of Margaret Thatcher’s speeches. So make sure to look out for the new Gove-led TikTok trend, following in the footsteps of Charli D’Amelio and Addison Rae. It’s the Conservative Party Hype House.

Matt Davis

'Captain Tom's Vintage Babes' - Before he met his darling wife Swedish Party Leader’s Prime Ministerial Pamela, many women were the apple of young Tom Moore's eye. From Speedrun models like Betty Page and Marylyn Monroe to his first wife Billie, you In an effort to reach out and increase support among the can live the dream of a hero in their youth and fuck them as life-size hardcore gamers of Sweden, Magdalena Andersson of the body pillows! It's quite literally what Captain Tom would've wanted.

Social Democrats attempted a speedrun of being Prime Minister. She was declared Prime Minister at 10:00 and Best of TomzBop CD - Captain Tom’s short-lived singing career, finished her term as Prime Minister at 16:00. launched on a definitely-normal cover of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, lives on through a collection of 21 songs recorded shortly before he It is unclear what the effect will be because this is only passed away. This time Tom doesn’t need Michael Sheen backing him considered an 80% completion speedrun due to the fact up, so listen to the pride of Britain cover every part of some of the that no laws were passed. At the moment the response biggest songs of the last century including Bohemian Rhapsody, WAP, seems mixed, some seem pleased with the effort to focus on Rap God and an authentic rendition of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe (10 this rarely discussed demographic however some members Minute Version). of the community are referring to the effort as a ‘noob play’.

Captain Tom Morning After Pill - The only problem with the Captain Tom range of premium gins were that they were 'too good' and led to It is rumoured that the leader of the Moderate Party Ulf 'too many people making bad drunk decisions'. To fix one of these, buy Kristersson may attempt to one-up Andersson with a more one of Captain Tom's morning after pills; let the hero who lived 100 complete speedrun within the next few weeks years stop you from wasting your next 18!

Matt Davis Dan Bennett

@thelemonpress

News & Politics

12

Heartbreaking: one of your closest friends just shagged the worst person you know

Cancel Cultures First Victim ‐ Fred Jones In the past decade, “cancel culture” has swept the world, taking celebrities like J.K. Rowling, Dave Chappelle, and Bill Cosby. But where did it start? Let's look back to 2004, when “cancel culture” took its first victim: Fred Jones.

The previously adored teen heartthrob who was arguably the public’s favourite member of Mystery Inc. faced massive media backlash during the ‘Evil Masked Figure’ scandal. When the villain first attacked, at the grand opening of the Coolsonian Criminology Museum, Fred was reported by Heather Jasper Howe having said, “Coolsville can solve its problems without us.”

This caused a sway in public opinion, against both Fred Jones and Mystery Inc..

However, what the public didn’t know was that the reporter, Heather Jasper Howe, was actually Dr. Jonathan Jacobo in disguise, as well as the Evil Masked Figure attacking Coolsville.

Heather manipulated the original quote from Fred Jones, “Of course little old Coolsville can solve its problems without us, but we'll always be here to help”, in their endeavour to destroy Mystery Inc. No matter how hard Jones tried to explain the misunderstanding, Jasper Howe/Jacobo continued to edit or remove context from Jones’s quotes until they were unmasked.

Jones wasn’t able to get any message out to the public without going through Big Media, allowing the truth to be easily misconstrued.

Although Jones was eventually able to set the record straight, his reputation never recovered. All plans of a ‘Scooby Doo 3’ were scrapped as Jones fell victim to substance abuse, reportedly snorting crushed Scooby Snacks to get him through the day, and now he can be found working the pole at The Coolsville Cum Club.

What can we learn 18 year on? Big Media and Big News are clearly not to be trusted, especially when presented by seemingly attractive women (who are notorious liars). Anything damaging about someone you like must have been taken out of context, it’s the only logical explanation. I would start a gofundme for Fred Jones, but he’d just spend it all on Scooby Snacks and skimpy outfits. #FreeFred #JusticeforFred Beth Hubbard 13

News &

Putin Withdraws Soldiers from Ukraine Border, Claims Russia 'Do a Little Trolling' Russian President Vladimir Putin has withdrawn Russian forces from the Ukrainian border, stating that it was a “social experiment” for his TikTok account, @President4Lyfe. The Russian Leader, when asked about his motivation behind the aggressive move, told reporters that he was just “trolling” Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky who, Putin claims, has been acting like a “sussy baka” in recent months.

Others have contested Putin's reasoning, with some arguing it was down to UK PM Boris Johnson threatening to be “very disappointed” in Russia. Mr Johnson allegedly sent an angry letter to the Russian President, telling Putin he could count on both Britain and the US sending further angry letters should Putin go ahead with his invasion. President Biden was not available to make any comments, due to complications over naptime.

Social Media networks such as Twitter, Facebook, and Reddit, have reacted overwhelmingly positively to this sudden change of events, with Twitter going from #PutinIsOverParty to #PraiseDaddyPutin in just a matter of hours, and Reddit mods unanimously declaring it a “wholesome 100” moment.

Nick Stokes

Jeffrey Epstein Traded NFTs for Freedom Mr. Gores, who worked at the Lemon Press for 9 years, was found dead in his modular mansion with three bullets in his back.

Police have determined his death to be a suicide, and have declared “nothing suspicious” about the circumstances of Bernie’s death.

Two days before his death, Bernie gave leaked tapes to the publishers of TLP revealing Jeffrey Epstein exchanged monkey NFTs with prison guards in exchange for letting him go. Security Guard Richard Samuel, in a fit of rage, admitted the truth to Bernie following fellow Twitter users screenshotting the monkey NFTs thus making them worth nothing.

Bernie is quoted to have said that “Epstein was a hired hoodlum, real tawk. Like hawnestly,” before proclaiming that after his discovery he was incredibly angry with the corruption of the US prison system. Bernie urged the public to look and listen to his shocking discovery in order to prevent corruption of this scale from happening again.

Mr. Epstein’s associate, Prince Andrew, was recently found not guilty in a case alledging he had sex with underage girls Andrew, following his Royal Lodge being searched, was found to have been a big Harry Potter fan, therefore unequivocally ruling him out of the case for being a massive virgin.

Nick Stokes

We don't have an NFT to sell you

Backbreaking: one of your closest friends just shagged the worst person you know (Bane)

“Sleepy” Joe Biden Promises More Funding for Naptime.

In the recent Federal Budget release, President Joe Biden has outlined plans to increase the funding for nationwide sleeping activities. This is part of Biden’s pledge to increase the country’s overall standard of living by encouraging people to actually sleep for healthy amounts of time.

Ideas of where the money will go have been outlined below: - Inflatable neck pillows and eye masks for long journeys on Air Force 1 - Hot water bottles - Warm milk/hot chocolate - Cookies. But only if they use Mommy’s recipe - Heated blankets and onesies for Cabinet - Phone line to Russia set to silent (“Very distracting recently. Mr Putin has been calling me a lot asking for permission to invade Ukraine”) - Sofa bed to be installed in the Oval Office, perfect for after long meetings.

- Thicker curtains, so not to get woken up too early

More extreme measures suggested have been nationwide 9pm bedtime curfews: “No ifs or buts. If you aren’t in bed by 9, the monster under the bed will get you!

And sentence you to two life terms in prison”.

However, strong opposition has been voiced by the expresident Donald Trump. “I hate bedtime. I really do! Bigly hate it! Worst thing. Ever. I always stay up late playing on my Switch until 10, before I kiss myself asleep. And Mommy hasn’t caught me yet.

This is because I’m a big boy (75 years old), I think it’s about time I get to choose when beddy-byes is. It’s not fair how crooked parents decide when their children should go to sleep, and Sleepy Joe is stupid for wanting to go to bed early! He’s missing out on perfect gaming time! Loser!

Sleepy Joe is a sleepy loser!”

Joe Biden hit back that Trump was just grumpy as he hadn’t had his midday nap.

Ben Brown

Sex and Politics: Thoughts To Meditate On 8 years of American politics has shown to the world one thing: sex appeal is everything in politics. From the bronzed Atlas figures of the Republican party to the a man worthy of a thousand introductions (he has dementia), we found kings among men, adored by the horny commons. But juicy Joe Biden?

What can contend?

Connor Sanders

Top 3 Bitcoin Alternatives Had enough of Bitcoin? Etherium not getting you anywhere?

Dogecoin (for fucks sake) hasn’t taken you to the Moon yet?

Don’t worry Crypto entrepreneur, here are my top cryptocurrencies that are on the rise: all you need is a pair of “Diamond Hands”, a blind faith in what I tell you and plenty of disposable income and you’ll be cashing out in no time!* 1. Bobux: Hit music artist Bo Burnham is bursting onto the crypto scene with Bobux, a revolutionary new currency that specializes in buying and selling Bo’s new series of NFTs, that are MP3s of his hit songs. Ever wanted to buy 'Welcome to the Internet', and become even more insufferable than the Bored Apes? Now is your chance!

2. RUG/PULL: A very new currency on the block, but this one is already promising extremely high returns! Developers of the coin have promised a rewards path for key investment milestones, such as 'MMO battle royale game with rugs' when 'there are 5,000,000 active RUG/PULL users' and 'an dev extended holiday' when 'our dumbfuck project has turned a decent profit'.

Plenty of overwhelmingly positive reviews and unrelenting hype for RUG makes it seem too good to be true!

3. CumCoin: You heard me right. This one is the one for those looking for a long term investment. Growth will be slow (approx 9 months for your investment to reach its maximum potential), but certainly will be worth it! Start up is very low cost, just pop on over to a sperm bank and make your first deposit today! *When there is a use for cryptocurrencies in the real world, that is. Investing now means that your house mortgage money is locked up in a speculative monkey jpeg! Don’t worry though, bro, houses are way more of a liability than an NFT and actually your family (cont. Ad infinitum on Twitter).

Ben Brown

But have you been in car accident that wasn't your fault?

News & Politics

14

Nobody cared who I was until I put on the psedonynm

E‐Girls, Dear Boy, E‐Girls; How Streamers N High on the ceiling of the Commons lobby, carved on a region where light barely touches and rain water occasionally penetrates the house of British democracy, is the phrase ‘Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas’. This approximately translates into ‘One Can Either Log On Or Become A Nonce’. It is unclear why such a crude and of-its-time phrase has ended up chiseled in ancient stone, or what drove the artist to spend days of their life carving it, but it's old-timely wisdom is best explained by a tale that ends with a case of tactical edging acros generations, but begins on a sunny day in Margate.

Despite his image, Mark Francois had never before actually reached climax, meaning that his impressively dense bollocks contained over 4 decades worth of semen. One Tory source who was with Francois on a group trip to Margate described the ‘traumatising rescue mission’ that took place after Francois waded into waist-deep water and was dragged under the surface as his incredibly dense bollocks hit the sea floor. It took the 8 other MPs in attendance almost an hour to roll his balls back to shore, with Francois only surviving thanks to ‘the otherworldly elasticity of his ballsack’ allowing him to be stretched above the water during the rescue. It was during that silent, humid & weirdly-sexually-charged coach ride back to Westminister that a plot to oust Francois was first imagined.

And what was the scheme to take Francois down? One MP simply told his colleague ‘E-Girls, dear boy, E-Girls'. The premise was watertight; Francoius’ safe seat in Rayleigh and Wickford was cushioned by about 56% of the vote share, so if 31,000 people who would never vote for him moved to the town he would lose his seat. And what demographic has the least in common with a 56 year old Tory MP? EGirls.

A scheme was put in place to give the new target audience insentive to move from all over the globe to the small community in the south of England. These included: •Free fibre-optic broadband for streamer who gave a 'huuuuuuge shout out to the Department of Media, Data, and Digital Infrastructure for making this hot tub content possible!'

•Opening a loophole that stopped Twitch taking a cut of bits donated •Dispenseries of oil and bananas on every street corner.

The incentives worked, and soon Rayleigh and Wickford became flooded with E-Girls. The first to arrive, the pink-haired Twitch streamer ProseccoPlummx moved in opposite Buzz Bingo and discussion of her appearance dominated discussion throughout the night. The local hospital was given forwarning after staff noticed the symptoms of high blood pressure on many of the bingorevellers, but fortunately for the already-overstrained paramedics working there the two people who died that night did so in the loo where nobody noticed until the next morning.

A street in Rayleigh that was The number of E-Girls around the constituency grew exponentially soon after. Noticeable new residents included dominatrix-turned-ASMR streamer Lacy WhisperWhip, Instagram model HiItsMeItsTia (real name Zoey Smith) and Bjorn the they/them/twink Scandanavian star with the voice of an angel, the glutes of a Greek statue, and just the most appalling attitude towards sorting recycling into the correct boxes. By the end of the week the new strategy had brought over 5,000 new people to the constituency, with the threshold needed to vote Fransour out set to be reached by the end of the month.

particually overrun by E-Girls

Such an influx of a specific demographic caused particular infrastructure issues. For example, the local post office had to open two specialist sorting departments, one for packages containing ‘liquid’ and another for packages containing ‘over 750ml of ‘liquid’’. At least four long-serving posties were forced into an early retirement due to the new intense stresses, with a fifth tragically drowning to death. A spokesperson for the bereaved family said 'he died doing what he loved; taking massive mouthfuls of semen. Admittedly he mainly kept that part of his life secret but it seemed appropriate to mention now given the circumstances.'

­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Po 15

News &

Half way there

You really think this door is safe with *them*?

rs Nearly Brought Down British Parliament The final straw came on one fateful Thursday night, when the Wickford Community Centre's bingo night was unable to get their YouTube playlist as the local broadband network could not support 2,000 concurrent streams. Instead of Vera Lynn filling up the hall, it was the sound of enraged senior residents who had been pushed one step too far. Winnie the Frizz, the 74 year old grandma of 12 and certified Number 1 BNATBH (Big Name Around The Bingo Hall) mounted her table to declare at the full extent of her 4'10" frame 'First Camila Parker Bowles, then Jeremy Corbyn, and now this? No, we've put up with too much for too long, we need to fight back!'

This began a campaign of generational whack-a-mole. As soon as the angry GILF mob chased the streamers out of Rayleigh, a new batch would set up camp in Wickford. By the time Winnie had organised a whip-round to buy an EMP big enough to take out the Wickford site, two bases of E-Girls would emerge in Rayleigh. A breakthrough nearly occurred when the mob found a large collection of those high-pitched machines used to stop the youth gathering outside shops, but nobody there was young enough to hear it and verify that it worked. The warring parties were at breaking point, the GILFS not having had a successful bingo night for weeks and the ever-expanding assortment of E-Girls unable to set up a consistent Amazon wishlist delivery address. After crisis talks, both groups met on the Rayleigh-Wickford border (conveniently located along the car park of a big Tesco) to sign a truce; the number of streamers would be capped at 1,500 and in return the GILFS promised to vote for 'one of the agreeable Lib Dems' at the next election.

The truce was agreed by everyone.

'Everyone', except Winnie the Frizz, who was said to have snuck off before the peace talks to 'have the living daylights fucked out of her' by Bjorn. A source close to Winnie said 'She could barely walk to begin with, now she needs about 4 doses of oxycodone just to pick up her morning paper!' At least, that's what Winnie would have you believe; a source close to Bjorn said the 22 year old had come home weeping and breathlessly telling housemates 'she hit me with some ancient old-timey forbidden technique shit man, she was spinning and slapping it like she was at a pottery wheel or something, I don't know what she made me sign but I agreed to it, I agreed to it all' In truth, Winnie had edged Bjorn into signing away both their rights and the rights of anyone under 30 to livestream in the Rayleigh and Wickford community, thereby forcing the entire E-Girl community to leave. To this day, nobody has any idea how Winnie achieved it. Nobody, that is, except 27 year old accountant Justin Loinis who during one particually long self-love session stumbled across a classic black and white porn gif of a performer named Edwina Lolly, one of the first gender-neutral adult entertainers. It was only after an explosive finish that Justin noticed a disturbing simularity to his grandmother Winnie. The shame meant the secret never got out, but some of Winnie's closest friends occasionally heard the new local hero chuckling whilst muttering the phrase 'the only thing that can stop a bad guy with them/them bussy is a good guy with they/them bussy’

Winnie watched each E-Girl leave from her window

So, what does this all mean? One MP, who was behind the plot, told me ‘Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas’ is not a phrase reserved merely for political figures, but rather a mantra, a drumbeat that everyone in Britain marches to. Noncery is not just the domain of the paedophile, but by definition of the word it is the domain of anyone attempting to deprive the British public of an innocence they can’t get back. If you litter around one of our country’s scenic landscapes, you are a nonce. If you disrespect her Majesty and her values which make this country great, you are a nonce. If your cat loudly breaks the tranquility of a peaceful Sunday morning, then your cat is a nonce and you must take responsibility for its noncery upon the British public. And there is no fixed rule of what a nonce can look like. The man next to you on the street could be a nonce. Your neighbour could be a nonce. Your own family members, your children could be noncing at this very moment, and in moments of forgetful ignorance you too could be a nonce. The only way in the modern age to cure this ailment, this epidemic of noncery in Great Britain, is to log on. Once you are online your actions will be logged forever and watched forever by those who are only there to look for flaws in your existence. How could one ever get away with noncing if one can't even post a simple political opiion without getting This You'd Plus Ratio'd? So log on, for your community. Log on for your country. Log on for your poor dear Queen, whose entire family has been ripped apart due to a case of being chronically offline. '

Dan Bennett 'Oh, none of this has anything to do with Francois, I just need more Twitter followers'. nas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­ Potest Vel Aperi Vel Puer Minas ­

So quit moaning

News & Politics

16

Are you thinking? What? We’re Thinking???

The Worst Perfumes To Mask Your Musk Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease.

Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count!

YSl Omicron: Famous for its potency, YSL’s new perfume hits all the right spots and targets the nasal passage of even the most distant suitors.

Calvin Klein Transmission: Assert your dominance by spreading your scent across rival males’ territories.

Dolce & Gabbana Light Flu: Beware of this one, as D&G’s light flu is deceptively powerful in its ability to increase the temperature of both yourself and your comrades.

Viktor & Rolf Flowercron: This one’s unique in its ability to actually reduce others sense of smell when near you! Convenient if your bodily odour is hindering your chances of getting laid.

Lancôme La Vie Est Plus Court: Given the circumstances, the world is fearful about each other’s life expectancy. Luckily this perfume resolves all sense of ambiguity!

DIOR Sudden-Surge: When sprayed, this perfume immediately attracts any woman in the local area, and (by definition) a sudden increase of people are aroused by your scent.

Hugo Cross-contamination: Spice things up by sharing perfumes with others! After all, sharing is caring!

Paco Rabanne Lady Antigen: A nice change from your regular old perfume, this special one fights off any sort of unpleasant odour to reveal a squeaky-clean inside and out!

Emma Dixon

(Unfortunately the only copyright free Mclovin actor photos are ones where he looks ok, but you understand my point)"

17

Lifestyle

Men My Girlfriend Finds Hot and The Reasons I Could Beat Them in Intellectual Debate (Almost everyone involved wishes this was satire) Francis Bourgeois - The train guy, beloved by millions apart from that one time everyone hated him for a day. But not me, I've despised him from the beginning as anyone who can get excited about non-nationalised rail services is obviously a Tory, therefore I can intellectually beat him just by reading out some of my political tweets.

James Acaster - James spent 2017 listening to every album that came out in 2016, while I spent 2017 listening to women. We’re not the same.

Robert Pattinson - I can get inside this man's head, we are both men who regret the thing we are most known for; his is a billionpound film franchise, mine is a gaming Youtube channel I made when I was 15, but I know that deeply-buried shame when I see it and I have no qualms about exploiting it in a debate.

Dane DeHaan - Not even the hottest Green Goblin, don't come at me with intellectual arguments when you get out-bussied by William Defoe.

Skandar Keynes - Did you know the guy who played Edmund in the Narnia films is now a Tory? I didn’t, but she did, however, she insisted she only found him hot in the films. A likely story...

Will Poulter - Okay I just think she has a thing for guys who spend a long time in wardrobes, I have never thought about this man in my life, and you can’t be intellectually beaten by somebody if you refuse to acknowledge their existence.

Ed Miliband- If that man makes a weird face eating a simple bacon sandwich, what face would he make eating other things?

Just sayin. Owned. Next guy please. (at this point I had a moment of horrific self-discovery and had to ask her to please stop listing men she found strangely attractive.

She kept going.)

Mark Zuckerberg - Please don’t bully her for this one, it’s brave to come forward and admit you have a thing for lizardmen. And everyone on Earth has spent the last few months dunking on the Metaverse, he's the most intellectually owned man in the world, you can't steal my girl if you're barely able to remake PS Home buddy!

One Of The Columbine Shooters - She was adamant that 'if you Google them you'll be able to tell which one', but judging from the men listed here previously, I'm going for... Dylan? I can only apologise if I've got the wrong Columbine Shooter, but in any case, there's no way I'd be beaten by anyone 18 and under in intellectual debate, thank you very much.

McLovin -... What? Like, the actual McLovin? Are...Am I... I've googled, there's definately no other McLovins, I just want clarification on the qualities we may or may not share please.

Dan Bennett

Want to write for us?

Ukraine? No, baby. It’s We­kraine. ­ Putin

5 Simple Steps For Males To Dominate A Fire

10 WaystTo Decorate Your Uni House

Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no one knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you will never research it until the next time. So these steps will help you reach peak toxic masculinity and show you how to guyboss and gatekeep that fire.

Ok, you’ve been in your student house for a while, you’re all settled in but now you want to decorate and need ideas. Here’s the TLP guide to give you all the ideas you need to decorate your house.

1. Use the word ‘oxiginate’ as many times as you can.

Is this a real word? We don’t know. However, you will become the alpha instantly if you repeat this word until your tongue feels as dry as ash .

2. Exhale, slap your legs and loudly proclaim that you are going to get more firewood.

Corrrrr, that sounds manly doesn’t it? Show your friends that you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty, then run to the nearest tesco and buy some wood there-hey they won’t know the difference!

3. Blow on the fire aggressively Like a manic wolf trying to make piggies homeless, blow on the fire! Who cares if ash goes everywhere, including in your eyes, the sight will be sure to make you seem like a man who knows his fire.

4. Get really really annoyed when someone else tries to take control and make it a big deal.

Friction makes a fire, so cause some in your group by getting angry at any one who tries to intervene. If they keep persisting, just burn down their tent- alpha grind set.

5. The bigger the log, the bigger you look Size matters with fire, so find the biggest price of wood you can find and chuck it on there.

Who cares what happens, you’ll be the man of fire.

Cameron Stenhouse

TOP 5 Sigma Tips to UP Your GRIND

1 - STAY at the GYM past CLOSING TO maximise your GAINS. FIGHT the beta SECURITY if NEEDED: THEY don’t UNDERSTAND your GOALS. 2 - FIRE your boss AND CREATE a toxic WORK environment for YOUR colleagues: THEY are COMPETITION, not COMPANIONS. 3 - BECOME a carnivore TO INCREASE protein INTAKE: they ARE food, not FRIENDS 4 - Randomly make YOUR words CAPITILISED/shout: THEY DON’T have to UNDERSTAND what YOU are SAYING. 5 - WATCH videos ON WHY sigmas ARE better THAN ALPHAS to CURE your INSECURITIES: MUMMY said I WAS a SPECIAL BOY! Ben Brown

1 - Leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor of your kitchen. Cut some mould off the edge of your cheese? Dropped it on the floor? Why not just leave it there? Ok there might be several reasons not to just leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor but it certainly gives the room some personality. [-eds note the person this bit was personally attacking has got in touch to point out the cheese was left on the hallway floor, because that’s totally a better state of affairs] 2 - Put up compromising images of yourself on the walls. No one can blackmail you if you’ve already put all the compromising images of yourself on display.

The taxidermied head of the person you already regret moving in with. No explanation needed here.

3 - The taxidermied head of your landlord. No explanation needed here either.

4 - A giant portrait of Robert Peston. People may question it, but if you pray before it nightly the ITV political editor might smile benevolently upon you and not cause a run on your bank.

5 - Scattered cans of drink and takeaway packaging. Might not be the most aesthetically pleasing way to decorate your house, but you don’t have to spend any extra money or put in any additional effort, you even save the effort of tidying up after yourself. The downside is some people might think of you as a slob, but all the great artists are never appreciated in their time.

6 - A set of highly amusing but also incredibly illicit York Vision back covers.

7 - A collection of dead houseplants. Let’s face it, those houseplants you bought are going to die anyway, so save yourself the effort of watering them and own it.

8 - Turn your living room into a recreation of the Vietnam war.

Just need some jungle plants, a humidifier, some booby traps and the delicious smell of napalm. Plus side: you won’t have to worry about people you don’t like visiting. Downside: people you like won’t visit, so this is only recommended if you don’t have friends.

9 - Just leave the walls blank. An alternative low cost, low effort option.

10 - Just put up some photos and posters you actually like. Don’t be silly.

Chris Small

thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Lifestyle

18

The Lemon Press eats big dinners

De Niro to Star In Raging Bull Sequel Following the success of De Niro’s late-career descent into depravity, he’s bringing Raging Bull back. Dirty Grandpa: Raging Bull will see De Niro tear through an assisted living community as he seeks to cuck husbands and unleash the Raging Bull within.

Written, directed, and produced by De Niro, the film seeks to give an authentic portrayal of old age cuckoldry. As De Niro said to TLP, ‘it’s all real, every last shot and every last drop’.

Fans of his recent Great Actor Who’s Now Old And Horny For Money work will be thrilled to hear that De Niro is in talks with Timothée Chalamet to star in his next project: Fake Taxi Driver. Fake Taxi Driver will see Di Niro prowling the streets of New York City on the hunt for old ladies to help across the road, into his car, and then on to his fully adapted retirement ‘sex palace’ bungalow in New Hampshire.

Will Rowan

TLP Wins at Art Filling Space Awards

It's about time, we finally did it.

Like true professionals we have enough content and we are *definitely* not wasting space.

Thanks for all your support Cameron Stenhouse

Reasons I Can Fix The Biggest Worm From 'Dune' The biggest worm in 'Dune' is one of the most visually-recognisable antagonists from any film this decade. He's a silent, borderlineLovecraftian force of nature, but like so many damaged people I believe he is just one caring ear and tender embrace away from being fixed. I can fix him, and here's the reasons why.

1 - I too am oppressed capitalism and understand his anger towards the industrial complex. Not all of the worms attitudes have to be changed, I just have to get him to attack the system in less environmentally-catastrophic ways, like lobbying, or starting a podcast. I can change him, unless he just hates the miners in a Thatcher way, in which case I do also have a good track record of fixing Tories (albeit there will be less sexual tension on my part.)

2 - There are probably even bigger worms. You haven't seen them, but there's a whole worm community going on down there where there's probably a load of bigger worms making fun of him. But to me he's a big boy, I would let him be the big spoon and get all the protector role vibes his brushed ego needs.

3 - I would also let him be the little spoon. Half of that angry energy probably comes from him feeling like he has to be in the aggressor role to fit into society, but my wormy dude doesn't have to live up to that role all the time. I'm not exactly sure how I could be the big spoon to a several-kilometre wide worm, other than clinging onto him like a disappoined nit on a bald man, but just knowing there is someone ready to wrap their arms around him and tell him it's all going to be okay should calm my big boy down.

4 - Massive mouth hole. Huge. Multi-layered. Sucking. I don't need to think about how to give that worm reassurance, I'll just let that sandwussy get to work and let him measure how much I value him by the gallon.

Dan Bennett 19

Arts

He was a viscious satrist though a youth of 24

Gordon Ramsay Likes Big Diners

A Music Essay: Jimi Hendrix’s Corpse to Play In Hendrix hall.

That’s right, Hendrix is making his comeback in the Hall he played in years ago. All the classics are to be played, and rumours have it that Hendrix himself will be pumped up with 43 tabs of LSD. But how will this audacious performance be carried out? Well, I spoke to the head of the Department of Physics Prof. Kieran Gibson and this is what he had to say…

'It’s a matter of electricity' Gibson said while strapping the positive and negative cables to one of his students testicles. 'You see, when I insert electricity into the specimen, they become full of life and spring into action'.

He demonstrated this using his student who shook like a shitting dog.

'It is my understanding' he continued, 'that if I put 50,000 volts into Hendrix’s body, he will spring to life and play the songs I love'.

'But how can you be sure,' I asked, he was fixated on his student who was staring at me hoping I would help him. But little did he know, I could not be bothered.

'Well' he answered 'I’ve watched Frankenstein 3 times now, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing' I nodded with my head hung low as I was embarrassed at my stupidity: how can I, who has never seen Frankenstein once let alone 3 times, understand the genius in this man’s head.

He then left his sobbing student and took me to see the body of a rock and roll legend. Before we went into the room he warned me of the smell. He took a clothes peg from his washing line and handed me a bottle of Febreeze.

We entered the room and there he was, the mangled corpse of the greatest guitarist in the world. As I looked down at his maggot infested corpse, I couldn’t help but think ‘ew wtf’ but then it occurred to me, that a clothes peg on your nose really hurts and I wanted to take it off.

Gibson then showed me the set designs he drew, one idea was him in a car with Hendrix attached to his battery. Another was A wire glued to Hendrix’s hand and a key and kite on the other end. All of these were drafts. However, my personal favourite was Gibson with a cattle prod behind Hendrix and stings attached with someone puppeteering him. Gibson then ushered me out as he said he had a lot of work to do before the show, grabbed a handful of triple-A batteries and walked towards his tied up student. I for one cannot wait for this event, and I’m excited for Hendrix to play once more.

Cameron Stenhouse with to much time on his hands

Scientists Predict Sharp Birth Rate Decline Following Coldplay Announcement Bad news sex-havers, Coldplay have just announced they’ll stop recording more of their sweet baby-making music in 2025.

The stocking filler of getting filled, Chris Martin’s dulcet tones have been setting the sex scene for over 20 years.

Now we’ll only have three more sensual overloads of albums before Martin finishes. Following the release of Fix You, hospitals were inundated with new babies nine months later. Hearing that the band’s hospital-busting days are nearing their end, fans are despondent. Scientists are already predicting the birth rate will take a pounding as a post-Martin malaise hits middle England’s shores.

A lifelong fan told us, ‘Martin’s got staying power and his music gives me that too.’ Coldplay is like viagra for middleaged middle-class businessmen, essentially it is viagra. It’s rumoured the next three albums are to borrow from Swift’s success and be Martin’s versions of their older songs. Viva La Vida (Martin’s Version) promises to be the ultimate sex playlist staple. Tuck it between Tove Lo and the shipping forecast and you might just finish us all off.

Will Rowan

And the notches on the page numbered 1 and 19 more

Will Rowan

Arts

20

Which am I more likely to pay back: student debt or sleep debt?

A Brief Review of Kirsty and Phil’s Love It or List It. If, on a Wednesday night, you have ever been forced to reevaluate your personal mistakes, life’s purpose, or perhaps a conservatory extension, you have most likely experienced the thrilling saga of Kirsty and Phil’s Love It or List It. I was lucky enough to catch the second half of an electrifying reinvigoration of a home involving a young couple, whose new property was just too small for their growing family. Particularly admirable, was the open-concept effect that Kirsty had achieved in the kitchen, by taking out a wall between the mortal plane and the realm of the dead. I think the couple was especially compelled to accept this change by the unholy chorus of voices chanting 'open concept, open concept, open concept…' from somewhere far below, until their ears bled.

While Phil investigated the undergrowth at the bottom of the garden for a hole that the young family might prefer to squat in, Kirsty tackled the office space with particular vigour. What had previously been the worst attempt at ‘working from home’ I have ever seen on television, had been transformed into an officemeets-guestroom through the addition of built-in shelving and a fold-out bed within the cupboard. 'Bespoke storage…' Kirsty’s voice whispered cryptically from the darkest corner of the new vaulted ceiling.

As the young couple grabbed their kids and made a run for the exit, they were horrified to find that the front door had also been transformed into an elegant, bespoke fold-out bed. Swish as it was, and sure to impress the neighbours, the young couple wailed at their inability to escape the design project they felt they needed to undertake instead of attending family therapy.

Days passed as the couple began to run out of food, for every storage facility in the house had been transformed into fold-out bedding, tuning each room into a cosy yet sophisticated guest space that is perfectly convenient for when the in-laws come to visit. If they can get in. As the camera panned out from Phil eating a chunk of drywall left over from the attic conversion and the credits rolled, I felt sure in my mind that tailored storage solutions truly are the way into the future of modern housing.

Or perhaps it was the disembodied voice of Kevin McCloud under my bed that same night that compelled me to believe it.

Phoebe Rhodes

The Apprentice Review Alan Sugar’s back with his capitalist-induced ridicule of 16 more idiots I must admit, I only really watched this series due to the annoying Tik Tok adverts that kept me from watching “Top 10 sexiest Disney dads”. But alas, this series has been an enjoyable watch. From candidates being unable to spell the word artic to watching them “accidentally” create a truly fascinating number of turds. This series has it all! My only wish is that Lord Sugar would play into these strengths and assign a task dedicated to producing a thesaurus of the different types of excrement. Oh well, maybe next year.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the rest of the series as I accidentally clicked on the button admitting that I don’t have a TV licence. Those BBC bastards! Overall though, I have enjoyed the shows ability to make me feel like a genius and shout “idiots!” at the TV whilst brainstorming my own business empire. One that Lord Sugar would undeniably invest in. So fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, as Emma’s “Turds for Toes”, a collection of poo-themed socks, is looking for a bright young investor’s money I can put into both this empire, as well as its parent company: “Faeces for Fingers”.

Emma Dixon

Pope Francis Takes Action To Stop Coldplay Birth Drought After the recent news that Coldplay would stop releasing music in 2025, Pope Francis has decided to intervene in an attempt to prevent the decline in birth rate by releasing his list of religious tunes to get you in the mood. Here are the Vatican-Approved hymns to get you in the mood; Lord of the Dance: If you’re in the mood for some really rather rigorous rumpy pumpy, then this is the song for you. A chance to be led by the Lord of the Dance himself, there’s nothing quite like it.

Abide With Me: I’m not sure why this is on the list, but I guess if it works for you it works.

Amazing Grace: A slow tune, nice and repetitive to get a good rhythm going. “How sweet the sound” indeed.

Jerusalem: If you can climax on the word Jerusalem, any fertility problems you had may completely disappear. Not sure exactly how but it might work, but it’s worth a shot.

So follow the advice and give these a go, the Pope will thank you, your descendants will thank you.

Henry Bishop, Archbishop of Jersey

21

Arts

And you may find yourself reading the Lemon Press

You wouldn't know our jokes. They go in another magazine

NFTs to Target a New Audience In an innovative marketing decision NFTs are to target a bold new audience in the form of 'LFT's. As opposed to previous NonFungible Tokens these 'Less-Fungible Tokens' will avoid the dastardly ctrl+c and ctrl+v that has swindled many an innocent cryptobro out of their hard-earned cartoon monkey photo by doing the unthinkable - creating physical copies of the art unable to be screenshot. That’s right, those less technologically inclined will now be able to get in on the action too through up-and-coming 'irl auctions'. The decision was met with many mixed opinions on social media, from one avid twitter user stating 'irl auctions are literally already a thing that’s just an auction please go outside.' While another stated 'Don’t care. Didn't ask + ratio'. It is clear that it's too soon to truly gauge the public opinion of LFTs, yet we can only speculate increasing demand over time as many are displayed in physical photo albums known as 'art galleries'.

Earlier this week we got the opportunity to speak to one of the first new LFT owners themselves at none other than York University’s very own LFT testing centre. When asked for a comment he said, 'So I walk in for my Covid test yeah, and the guy looks at me and he says ‘first time?’ So I say “nah mate” ‘cause we’re two years into this pandemic I think I know my way around an LFT by now.

Anyways, he takes me into the little testing cubicle and I’m sitting there waiting for him to give me the testing kit or something, thinking this is a bit odd. I'm usually done by now. Shit you not the man comes back with a picture of a fucking monkey. So yeah, anyways. Probably given you covid now.'

Our reporter was unable to gleam more on the subject as immediately after this meeting they were notified of a need to self-isolate for the next 14 days, due to an unrelated contraction of Covid-19. But rest assured it seem like LFTs are here to stay, with many sightings of physical copies of images to be found already all over campus.

Q Cummins

Another Terrible Year For Horse Worms Amidst the continued popularity of Ivermectin to treat COVID19, the horse worm community is set to enter a third year of record deaths and unemployment. Speaking exclusively to The Lemon Press from an undisclosed location, Arnold Redworm said ‘it has been an absolutely devastating time for all of us.

Naturally when the pandemic first began we were all very concerned about how this would affect the filming of Eastenders, it’s a big show down here, however we were all still able to go into work as the virus didn’t affect us. We don’t have lungs, you see. Cos we’re worms.’

‘However somebody heard that you could treat the virus with horse dewormer and, well, boom that was the end for a lot of us.

Humans taking it themselves was not the issue, there’s not a lot of work going in the human arsehole market, especially since the Joe Rogan and Laurence Fox followers most likely to take it tend to block the entrance with their own heads. The problem was the money going into Ivermectin, meaning production of it went up and these days you can’t find a stable residence in a horse for love nor money.’

'It's not been all bad. We have begun supporting the works of Billie Piper as a sort of counter-cultural rebellion in the worm community, and a lot of us have really got into Secret Diary of a Call Girl now! But seriously, we’ve lost some good guys recently, and the ones who are left are having to change careers. I’m trying to worm my way into patent law, it’s been a long time love of mine but I just need someone to pick me up on it.'

Dan Bennett

So, You’re Considering Paid Medical Experimentation Look, I get it, the economy's tough, bills are rising and you are, frankly, unemployable. You’ve been seeing their adverts for the past two months. It’s like they know how badly you could use a couple of grand, simply for staying in residence for a couple of weeks while they inject you with stuff. Food provided, so you can avoid Nisa’s extortionate costs. Hell, they even have a Playstation!

Yet you have doubts in the back of your mind. You see all these scare words like ‘liability’ and ‘cytokine storm’. You can’t help but be wary of the motives of the Ultra MK Developments and Chemie Grünenthal GmbH who are running the trials. But you weren’t half as questioning of the mystery tabs that cute girl gave you at Leeds Fest, and you've never let your concerns about water fluoridation stop you.

Take the risk and at the end of the day you’ll be a bit richer and can pat yourself on the back for contributing to the scientific advancement of humanity.

And hey, if worst comes to worst and it does make you sterile, take solace in the fact you probably shouldn't contribute to the gene pool in the first place.

Grant Shapps

And you may ask yourself, 'Well... how did I get here?'

Science & Tech

22

Please stop complaing to us about Norwegians

Patrick O'Donnell

How I Beat The Student Media Trolls We are nearly at the finishing line; two years served, two elections won, sixty weeks of term almost over without a single major controversy or scandal. Sure there may have been the small issue of a global pandemic that only really looked to be easing once the candidates for my successor were already announced, but that fact pales in comparison to the main goal of boosting a humanities CV without creating any awkward interview questions. So, how did I do it? Go on, ask me how I did it! Ask me, I dare ya, ask me how I did it! Please?

Here’s my secret; I did nothing. Literally nothing! I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of it before! Over the last 24 months I have not once let anyone get a grasp of who I am and what I actually wanted to achieve. After every copy of my manifesto tragically fell into a lake somewhere, and my candidate interview videos were the victim of a copyright strike for being too similar to Joker (2019), I was free to pick any number of manifesto points; for this president, the best number to pick was zero!

Most Read 1 - In Defence Of The Campus Goose Killer 2 - Woke Students Neglect Patriotic Duty

By Not Naming It 'Duke of York University' 3 - SLB's Gender Neutral Toilets; When Will Jeremy Corbyn Apologise For Them?

4- It's Time To Ratify The January 6th Reinactment Society

23

Features

Of course, helps to be PERCEIVED to be having some impact on campus, just as long as it isn't anything permanently lasting. You don’t have to worry about Ozymandias-esque stone statue branding making you a meme centuries later if you put up collapsible canopies instead! Your impact on campus has to be something that can come up as soon as it goes down, as I learned the hard way during one of my volunteering days at the sexual health clinic.

The student media trolls naturally try to make things stick, but you can't stick anything to an abstract concept! Being very weird about not defending a radio presenter against an anonymous page? Nobody will remember if they don't remember you exist! The tension over strikes rocking the boat of the student community a bit? Just kind of hang around a bit during industrial action and let other voices do the talking! A student satire magazine becoming too powerful and threatening to tear the university down with biting insightful humour? If you do nothing of note for an entire term they can't make fun of you!

Of course, I could've done it all myself. Well, I could’ve, I am literally a God amongst these one-term mortals, but a diamond in the rough without the rough surrounding it would just look like a regular rock. So I would like to thank my fellow SABBS for doing something, presumably, whoever they are. Is Brian still around? What happened to him then? I hope he’s still working on that Turning Point idea, I haven’t seen them around campus so I presume that’s all still very much in the works.

Next Issue ­ What do you mean, next issue? You think I'm sticking around until June?

Patrick's about to hit the road baby!

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Features

24

Tory MP letters of no­confidence only count if they're sent to us first

Inside The Sad Life Of The 13 Year Old Who Keeps Kicking My Ass At FIFA To the humble residents of Sicily, the feeling of a warm morning sunshine is as common as the setting of the moon. Away from the hustle of the trading streets, tucked away in a corner like a cheeky little secret amongst friends is the finest coffee shop in Italy. It is in one of the sea-view seats of ‘Trinacria’s’ that we caught up with the vacationing Jesjua Angoy-Cruyff, CF Reus Deportiu midfielder and grandson of the legendary former Dutch international and coach Johan Cruyff. How then would this descendant of one of the greatest sporting geniuses of the last century feel about some 13 year old shithead spamming skill moves and pace buffs to win several games of FIFA? 'Rot op en laat me mijn koffie drinken' was all he could muster to reply with a shake of his head when we asked him, before jumping up and over the harbour wall.

Unfortunately not everyone can escape this grotesque abomination of the beautiful game by drowning in the Sicilian Harbour. To the brave few who still insist on playing Fifa 16 Ultimate Team out of the principled stance that ‘it is the best one’ and ‘I would rather die then learn what an SBC is’, the name 'xXpUSSYyOmOMXx' haunts the dreams anyone has of the beautiful game.

'It is like his controller came with three buttons, none of them being pass and two of them being skill-based' a source told The Attic.

But information disclosed to The Attic through a series of FOI requests, data analysis and interviews at over 200 secondary schools has revealed the serial football murderer is a 13 year old from Everton. A second source told The Attic 'yeah Brenden's pussymom on Xbox, why's that mate? What, 9-0, twice? Oh my days, everyone look, this pedo is shit at FIFA!'.

H OT

BU RN

It is clear how the friendless and generally unloved Brenden got a hatred from things of beauty when he spent his secondary school education in an establishment where people are pelted with milkshakes if they carry around a briefcase (an essential for any sports journalist), but as his gamertag suggests the problem started closer to home. The 'mom' behind 'xXpUSSYyOmOMXx' is 46 year old To see the full article, subscribe to The Attic for only £43 a month, or wait for literally any holiday sale

CR

IS P

Top 5 Chain Restaurants That I Would Like to See a Burnt Down Branch Of 5. Burger King - A solid opening entry, the baseline for the entertainment I would like to get out of seeing a burnt out chain restaurant. However, it’s already been done at Clifton Moor so loses points for lack of originality.

2. TGI Fridays - The only thing more hateful than the outside of TGI Fridays is the inside of a TGI Fridays. Most of the chains on 4. Harvester - Just in case all the meat wasn’t already over this list are here purely for entertainment value, but TGI Fridays cooked. is here because how cathartic I think it would be to see one of 3. Pizza Express - Look I like dough balls, but a Pizza Express 1.Frankie and Benny’s - I just think the fake New York burning down brings the chance of a nonce being burnt alive, and architecture burning down would be pretty neat. who doesn’t want to see that.

Chris Small 25

Features

Does anybody bother to read all of these?

Limited time offer: Join the Lemon Press and get a free drink of Kool­aid

Namaste, Lemon Children.

Over the Winter Solstice, we feasted on food, each other's bodies, and a variety of mind altering substances.

Unfortunately, these very important spiritual practices have had an effect on our funds. Ofcourse, we don' t concern ourselves often with such wordly things, but no matter what eutopia we build here, we still must exist in our sick money-hungry capitalist world.

very small monetary fee. That way the "customer" benefits just as much, if not more than we do.

The best part is that we can use this to enlighten those we encounter, and provide them with the opportunities to spread our practices. In exchange for a reasonable donation to our community, we can provide them with stores of our herbal products which they can share even further in exchange for donations (that In order to continue our way of we take a portion of). life, we must find a way to replenish our monetary We've set up a stall opposite Vaccination' capabilities. I've seeked much the 'Covid-19 guidance on how to do this in clinic, to offer a healthy, line with our ethical codes. natural alternative to the toxic pushed by Big Yesterday, I was meditating poisons under the Tree of Government.

Contentedness, when a wonderful opportunity came to Also, as a byproduct, we may be me. We can spread our herbal able to get a hot tub for healing practices for a very summer.

Klarna to Launch in North Korea Next Month The Swedish 'buy now, pay later' (BNPL) group Klarna Bank is set to expand its international operations to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea next month, as the firm looks to extend beyond high value goods to provide the hermit kingdom’s citizens with an affordable way to stock up on groceries.

In a statement, its CEO, Sebastian Siemiatkowski, said that the fintech firm was 'looking to expand beyond the Western market', with a 'more universal approach' to offering financial support to shoppers. Siemiatkowski also said that the firm could look to offer support to high-ranking government officials, in an attempt to get the DPRK’s approval to operate in the country, by offering its BNPL services on the purchase of industrial quantities of uranium for no reason in particular.

Ronnie Young Image Credit Dan Bennett

I thought not

Features

26

Kurt Zouma works at the MailOnline

Ruy Lopez [1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5] A classic opening, you can’t go too wrong with this one. Played by all the top-level players. Will hold you in good stead for the middle and endgames.

Nimzo-Indian Defence [1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4] A solid and inoffensive opening. For players who are feeling suggestive and/or want to be slutted out by their opponent.

Richter-Veresov Attack [1. d4 d5 2. Nc3 Nf6 3. Bg5] For the type of player who denies themselves base luxuries and owns an uneven number of shoes. Popular with creationists.

King’s Shtandart Declined [1. h3 Na6 2. h4 Nb4 3. {resignation}] Fiery opening for players who only have a few minutes to spare between meetings wanting a quick game. Has been described as “an affront to all I hold dear about chess.” – Carlsen, 1996.

Modern Chess Openings

Maclaurin-Taylor [1. e3 followed by e2 ad infinitum] Intense and divisive. Keep repeating the same two opening moves until either: your opponent collapses from exhaustion/ sleep-deprivation,the Earth is swallowed by the expanding Sun, or your wrist gets a bit tired.

Suspension of Disbelief [1. N/A, but probably just the Ruy-Lopez, no one fucking plays any other fucking opening these days I swear to God] Having already lost the game, inform your opponent that you had, in fact, won. Reenforce and re-iterate your truth they are forced to believe you.

Checkers [1. 9-14 23-18 2. 14x23 27x18 3. 5-9] For the players of chess who would rather not play chess right now and play checkers instead. Fun for the whole family.

SMP Roleplay Added To Roses

Uncle Keith’s Opening [1. ???]

Lovely Uncle Keith said he’d show you his opening if you behaved and promised to keep it a secret. Thus, I am sworn to secrecy.

Tell them how you feel [1. while reaching for e4, instead slowly caress their left hand with your right index finger] Remind your opponent of the impact they’ve made on your life, and that, through it all, you will remain true to them until the end (of the game).

Cholis Ketteridge’s Third Great Thimbleseizure [grab the king-side bishop and ram it into your right temple with enough force to cause immediate brain death] An oft forgotten rule; if a player dies during a chess game, the result is an immediate draw. For the sort of player who’s looking to draw the game without looking like a pussy bitch by offering one.

Adam Berry

This year’s Roses will be starting off on a high as the Esports half of the competition adds in a new category - SMP Roleplay. Not to be confused with Statutory Maternity Pay, bright new athletes will be virtually placed hunger games style into a Minecraft Survival Multiplayer game where winners will be announced on a basis of who gains the most audience stans for their particular faction. Long gone are the days of mediocre sportsmanship judgement based on fastest times, most lifted and highest score. Those without a dedicated Tumblr tag for their fanart on the first day will be eliminated from the competition, with those unable to inspire over ten TikTok cosplays by week two similarly removed from the running. Everything will come down to one intense head-to-head between the most simped for players in the final day of events, where a high-stakes virtual parkour competition will be held under the theme of the floor is lava.

Wanting to follow along at home but new to the game? Don’t worry, we’ve got the key terminology covered: Ship - A very platonic and appropriate way of referring to the business-based relationships between contestants. Especially appropriate when referring to the individual contestants and not just their in-game personas.

Anti - Someone who harbours irrational hatred towards something. Critics may say this description “lacks nuance” and “overlooks the validity of critical media consumption that requires holding public figures accountable for their actions”. To which I say antis!

Antis! Antis all of you!

Fancam - Miniature trailers for individual chara- sorry contestants.

Kinnie - People who hold this title have fought in the trenches, they are the objective source of all knowledge regarding their kin of choice, more so even than the person who actually plays them. Take everything they say as a bible truth and question none of it.

DNI - Definitely Notice and Interact. Commonly used in the context of a list of characteristics, if this phrase is used in relation to something you identify with then you should definitely engage and talk to the poster.

Those interested in competing are advised to “git gud” and invest in frequent Twitch streams to raise their audience levels prior to competing - though before doing so candidates should delete all tweets prior to 2022.

Q Cummins

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Sport

Only two more pages left

We had another joke about cats but we've had to redact it for legal reasons

The Most Ironic Sports Stars’ Middle Names Kurt Happy Zouma - The average centre-back and professional foot-cat player, Kurt Zouma’s recent, umm, “incident” is made much funnier by the fact that his actual middle name at birth was “Happy”. Something that poor cat probably wasn’t. It does also make him potentially the perfect person to cast in the upcoming live-action “Snow White” movie, despite his 6’3 stature.

Novak Astra Djokovic - Tennis’s newest bad boy and one of the greatest players of all time, the Serb’s recent deportation from Australia is made interesting by the fact that he was born Novak Astra Djokovic - with Astra both referring to the Latin word for “the stars”, and one of the predecessors of probably his least favourite pharmaceutical company. Probably. We’ll never know.

David Bobby de Gea Quintana - The Spanish goalkeeping maestro made headlines shortly following his transfer to Manchester United after he was reported to have stolen a Krispy Kreme from a Tesco in Altrincham back in 2011. No further action was taken against the then-20-year-old, although it is still funny that the lad’s middle name seemed to foreshadow his dealings with the law as a young adult living in England.

Michael Lewis Masi - While not strictly a “sports star” per se, Formula One’s race director and public enemy number one is still worthy of a mention, given that his middle name is, surprisingly, Lewis. Could it be that he intentionally caused the other, actually talented Lewis to lose the 2021 Formula One World Drivers’ Championship so as to deflect accusations of favouritism towards a driver with the same name? Probably not, but it makes you wonder. (I’m legally obliged to mention that we at The Lemon Press are not suggesting that Michael Masi is corrupt. Much.)

Eldrick Tont Hammond “Tiger” Woods - that one was a mouthful. Tiger is known for two things - his golfing ability and his driving ability. One of them is very good, and one of them is very poor, just like his namesake - former Top Gear presenter and human crash test dummy Richard Hammond. Although, in fairness, with Richard’s recent appearances on the fairway, maybe the two are total opposites? No, of course not, so long as they both possess the title of Sir Crashalot.

Ronnie Young

Michael Masi’s Guide to Race Direction

1 The rules are long, complicated and boring, so don’t follow them. If you’ve learnt them it's a clear waste of brain space, so forget them and just make it up as you go along.

2. You might think your job is about ensuring racing is as safe as possible. That’s actually wrong, your job is to make sure the Netflix series is spicy as possible 3.Take advantage of the free cake, parties and massive lumps of cash that come with the job

New Sky Sports Channels Revealed

4.Remember: It’s not against the rules if Max Verstappen does it and the other car takes avoiding action.

5.If you get flack for any decision you’ve made, make sure it gets blamed on a lack of support, despite the fact that it was a decision that really should have been quite easy that you’ve made several times before in the course of your job.

Chris Small

Jolyon Maugham To Become England batting oach The prominent QC and chicken protecting vigilante, Jolyon Maugham has been appointed as the England cricket team’s batting coach, in an attempt to prevent the collapse of England’s batting order (although the ECB seems less fussed by the skull of any fox unfortunate enough to have made its way into Mr Maugham’s garden being collapsed after a baseball bat has made contact with it).

Chris Small

They're only wafer thin

The appointment of Maugham as batting coach could be a particularly efficient appointment by the ECB, with Maugham potentially doubling as legal representation for any number of scandals currently circling the ECB. Chris Small

Sport

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‘Alt­right’ hockey players on our campus? It’s more likely than you’d think

Horoscopes with Fortune Tella Emma!

Aries: You will find yourself somewhat (and surprisingly) zen this month.

Resigned to accept that everyone is against you as your failure to take over the world has rendered you a laughing stock, you take solace in appreciating the little things in life. Hey, look! A daisy!

Taurus: Hark! This month is ripe for the taking. Tired of being compared to a hotheaded excuse for a cow, you will succeed in putting a depressed Aries’s plan into action and inevitably finishing what they started…

Gemini: Our Bisexual queen! But also our Bipolar queen…I hope you are doing well and if you need anything don’t hesitate to call me up I feel bad…

Cancer: Just stop crying; I promise it will get better. I don’t know what else to say tbh uhh did you know we have a really tall duck right on this campus! That’s cool!

Right?

Leo: Not surprisingly, you see what you believe is a real Lion! How Apt! Unfortunately, your rose-tinted glasses have left others confused as to why are you attempting to ride a slightly larger than average house cat.

has ultimately cost you as you accidentally find yourself running for the York Tories Treasurer in their spring elections.

Capricorn: I like corn; in fact, I know many people who like corn. Its rich in vitamin C, acts as an antioxidant that Virgo: You have been granted the gift of helps protect you from diseases like cancer time travel. Unfortunately, you choose to and heart disease. Overall, an excellent travel back to 1349, where you find vegetable. yourself dancing away the fear of the plague and listening to the bardcore Aquarius: The Sun is in Aquarius. Thank God! You know what that means? Yes! version of “Hips don’t lie”.

That’s right! Time to assert your Libra: I like you libra. You’re just there, dominance and murder all those opposing you know. I can see bright things for you. Aquarius rule.

At least for this month, my knowledge only Pisces: Have you tried going completely extends so far. vegetarian?

Scorpio: Did you know.. that abstinence really focuses the mind? Ok, I take it back please don’t shout at me.

Sagittarius: Sag, we love you for your unwavering independence. However, this

Benjamin’s Crusty Tortoise ‘Overly white for a tortoise Benjamin?’

‘I’m calling 999’ 'Look at me in the eyes’ squirmed a quiet voice

A Tribute To D Bar So you come back to my Vanbrugh Arms Like a child suffering from Piaget’s detachment problems, Bear in mind we have custody of you only on Fridays , When everyone is out in town, Because on campus no one wants to be around of weekdays.

So as we say hello, We leave with this, Courtyard isn’t very good, That’s it Cameron Stenhouse

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Poems and Horoscopes

‘Esio trot is that you?’ … ‘yes his magical wizz has given me powers’ Reciting from his memory, he tells of Benjamin’s naughty youth, Benjamin cries in shame his head led against my torso he whispers ‘that tortoise saved my life’.

How could I call the police, a story of heartbreak, trauma but above all else love. Love is what defines us as people and if people don’t include that tortoise then fuck the world.

Benjamin slowly gets up and grabs the tortoise and goes to the garage to sand off his jizz. They’ve left. No answer on his phone… but there is a boy and his tortoise floating down the river.

I started my period.

Lydia Cunningham

You made it to the end

Reader's letters: The only thing the our writer's articles

URGENT PRODUCT RECALL: CUT‐OUT‐AND‐KEEP‐GLORYHOLE

Dear Editors I was looking through a recent edition of your magazine (which I do not have to pay money to read) and I noticed a We have recieved reports that the 'Cut Out And few spelling and gramatical errors Keep Gloryhole' from Issue 49 of The Lemon during a close reading (which I due Press is no longer fit for use. Users have purely as a form of sadism since I informed us that the product is 'becoming overly clearly don't enjoy the contents). damp', 'is more akin to paper mache then a Would you like me to point such useable structure at this point' and 'is currently errors out to you now, in extreme housing a swarm of maggots that are attempting detail, that I have noticed in your free to write satire'. light-hearted magazine?

Please, if you are still in possession of the hole, return it to The Lemon Press Offices where we will provide you with a suitible replacement.

We apologise for any inconvenience.

To Whom It May Concern Hi. I’m Frej, a very concerned reader.

I have just got done stamping a few puppies to death and while I don't have too much time to spare what with my recent promotion to the head of the Klu Klux Klan I would be happy to lend my services to correct the usage of their, there and they're in this publication.

I happened to pick up the most recent edition of the Yours Truly 'Lemon Press’ the other day (you know, that S.Trawman gutterpress Uni paper that seems to endlessly litter the concrete walkways of Derwent College) and I flicked through the needlessly long introduction to find an instance of Norwegian slander. And for that, I take my hat off to you. I myself am Half-Swedish, which isn’t exactly Norwegian but its a close as you’re probably gonna get to a Scandi at this point. I would like to commend your bravery, we as Swedes have a long term rivalry with Norway and I’m glad that finally the York based media is casting light upon this major cultural issue.

Dear Editors What happened to the Bean content? I really enjoyed that as a form of satire.

Yours Beanily A.Fakeperson Dear Editors You seem to be using this space to air grevences, is everything okay?

Yours Worriedly A.Reader Dear Editors I pushed in front of one of you in the line in Lidl last week, and I can to confirm that I am a rude little shit with no friends or loved ones, I was buying the 20 bottles of water so that I could drown myself for being a cunt Yours Honestly A.Hitler

Norwegians are a rare species these days, like pandas in the wild or a politics student that won’t use the details of their last night out as a conversations starter. People may have got in touch and said that they’ve met one or two Norwegians, but these people were probably sniffing glue, lying, or both.

Either way, you at the Lemon Press have an issue un grande problema. How does that song go from the cult 80’s film, "if there’s something strange, in the neighbourhood. Who ya gonna call?” To which Ray Parker Jr. exclaims "Ghostbusters!” This is very relevant: You have a ‘strange’ issue (Scandi's/North Europeans that you can’t slander) in your neighbourhood (York Campus), Who ya gonna call?

(Me) Frej

Now fuck off

Letters and Bonus Content

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