The Lemon Press – Issue 28

Hello. Please Clap.

Editors: Louis Jani and Myles Dunnett Deputy Editors: Henry Dyer and Gabriel Bramley Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor: Gabriel Bramley Campus Editor: Taghreed Ayaz and Henry Dyer News and Politics Editor: Gabriel Bramley and Louis Lyle Arts Editor: Henry Dyer and Greg Waddell Lifestyle Editor: Callum Shannon and Rosie Edwards Science and Technology Editor: Louis Lyle and Jack Mounser Features Editors: Callum Gearing and Myles Dunnett Sports Editor: Dean Bennell and Louis Jani Illustrator: Rosa Hansell Chair: Callum Sharp Deputy Chair: Tom Davies Treasurer: Alex Campbell Secretary: Gregory Waddell (for life) Special thanks to our contributors: Stephen Harper, Oliver Rea, Ben Burton, Pasky Miranda, Jon Legrand, Ben Walker, and Morgan Barker-Thorne Email your funnies to thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

My shoes haven't felt the same since the GulfWar.

Beware: No Student Union Officers Allowed The Secret Diary of an Outraged Student Day 1 ,674, After a slow news week at the fag end of term, YUSU something or other officer Scott Dawson has unveiled a list of student suggestions for what the SU can do to help them through their summer exams: - Free fruit - Bottles of water in the library - Anxiety de-stress workshops - Massage workshops - Pens for outside exam rooms - More quiet study spaces - Puppies...

- Maybe a general exam de-stress guide - Free tea/coffee in YourSpace - Music chill spaces - Group walks - Free sport sessions - Unicorns - No actual exams - The Moon on a fucking stick - Our tuition fees back - Scott Dawson’s salary back - Kittens (why puppies and not kittens!)

- A guessing game where people try and work out, without checking, the exact point at which I started adding my own entries to this list - Episodes of Glee projected onto the side of Central Hall - Modafinil (psst, I can sort you out, shoot us a text) Things not requested: - The ability to behave like a human adult and do work without needing to turn campus into a cross between Center Parcs and fucking Disneyland.

Tom Davies

My life changed the day that I got my tongue stuck in the DVD player.

What if Dave Was Short for Daventry?

We found a site detailing how celebrities have died.

Myles Dunnett

Louis Jani

— Library Twitter Account Manager on Aspirations

— David Duncan on the Complexity ofAdmin

Henry Dyer — UYHC Captain Unprompted

Stephen Harper

Stephen Harper

Want some sparkling wit? Look up Stephen Druce.

Citizen Greg — Coming soon?

Henry Dyer with Stephen Harper & Callum Gearing

Ben Walker

Oliver Rea

The YUSU AGM was the least spicy pizza party I've ever been to. . .

Louis Jani

Alan shows off his new wheels — ‘0-60 in 12 seconds, you know.‘

Henry Dyer

Myles Dunnett

Stephen Harper

. . . and I've been to a lot ofpizza parties.

Louis Jani

Henry 'I wrote this in a comfy chair on the top floor of Harry Fairhurst, BUT I DIDN'T NEED A FUCKING GUIDE TO TELL ME HOW, SO WHY DO YOU NEED ONE' Dyer

I was attacked by a goose today. I really wish I'd gone to LSE.

By a Labour MP

Tom Davies

Ken Livingstone about to beguile Paxman with one of his favourite impressions

Gabriel Bramley

HATS. HATS. HATS. Get your hats here!

Stephen Harper Dean Bennell

Henry Dyer Henry Dyer

I'm still not quite sure ifI like it.

Gregory Waddell

Greg Waddell

Dean Bennell

Rated as having '3 Stars' on TripAdvisor

I'm changing your password on Dragon Quest.

Henry Dyer

Gabriel Bramley

Myles Dunnett

The Lemon Press has a wonderful alumni programme. . .

Louis Jani

Gregory Waddell

. . . but a very mediocre pension scheme.

A young Jeb! Bush prepares himself for his inevitable future.

Greg Waddell

Greg Waddell

Henry Dyer

Shoutout to Campus Rag – thanks again for the free advertising.

Stephen Harper Dean Bennell

Meet me at Nisa on 28/5/16 at 17:00 – I will be naked in the fruit and veg aisle.

Rosa Hansell

Hey. . . has anyone seen Kevin?

Is The Vision Bad For Student Journalism?

My lifestyle includes increasing food consumption and self-loathing.

Pasky Miranda

Morgan Barker-Thorne

This really doesn't reflect well on this society.

Louis Jani

Gabriel Bramley

Greg Waddell

I was once held hostage in a toilet in Great Yarmouth.

Louis Jani

Greg Waddell

Gabriel Bramley

"What is a lemon? Is a lemon a fruit?" – TLP Editor

Louis Jani

Greg Waddell

You will always remember this as the day you nearly caught Captain Jack Sparrow

Louis Jani

Sometimes it takes a villain to unite a nation. . .

I am trapped somewhere in the recesses ofVanbrugh. . .

Gabriel Bramley

Dean Bennell

Louis Jani

. . . please send help.

Gabriel Bramley

Ben Burton

Oliver Rea

Was Barney the Dinosaur African-American?

Greg Waddell

Louis Jani

Myles Dunnett

Cash this magazine in for a handful ofspiders at your local Co-op.

Return to page 1. Re-read. Repeat until you find meaning.

C HAI RMAN C AL' How to Be Gracious in Defeat and Accept the Flow of Power Away from Oneself Whether it be due to the brass grasp of age, the fifth column of a political coup, or an unexpected public execution organised by your chosen successor, the mark of a great leader is to know when one must follow the path of history, like the swallow follows the sail of a cutter, and pass power onwards to leaders new.

Firstly. You must time it right: Do not allow yourself to be carried away by the zeal of fickle opponents, you must engineer a situation in which your handover will guarantee a legacy of stability and love from your loyal followers; let this be your inheritance to the next leader, let them shout your name so mightily that heaven itself trembles.

Secondly. Do not spend your influence unwisely: The river of power may be flowing outward from your Oxbow lake, but you can still direct it towards one you consider superior to others.

However, do not misspend this choice, people may not know who you support and who you do not, therefore, control the media at your disposal to hide your preferences; let them feel your choice is their choice, regime change may come sooner than you think if you do not.

Third. Mould your chosen successor as yourself: A regime is akin to a troop of kites; without a leader they are guideless, and without a stable grip they are liable to scatter in winds of change. Your successor must be moulded in the press of your image, do not let them be guided by blind populismPeople of The Lemon Press! It is with great sadness that I must come to you today. Your beloved Chairman Cal’ was found murdered, along with his most loyal supporters, about five minutes ago. They were killed by a cruel and unusual form of assassination: forced citrus asphyxiation. It was with great fortune that I was present to apprehend and slay the assassin, who is now buried in an unmarked grave 50 miles from our current location. There are no words to describe the sadness I now feel. However, it is not the j ob of a strong ruler to dwindle on such things! On the mangled corpse of my predecessor was found a hurriedly written note. This note names me, AND ONLY ME, as the one true successor to the chairmanship of The Lemon Press!

This heartfelt writing of a man being threa-CHOKED to death was so moving that I broke down and cried for hours. For this reason I will be holding this note privately, so as to shield the public from this melancholy. It is time for us to go into mourning for the loss of such a great man. So, for my first act as Chairman, all images and likenesses of my predecessor are to be destroyed, as to allow for us as a society to have closure. I look forward to serving you, as your new Chairman Cal’ .

DELETE THIS!

Louis Jani

Dean Bennell

Stephen Harper

Dean Bennell

Setup. Setup. Setup.

Stephen Harper

Myles Dunnett Clean and efficient – But be warned. The Prius is A silent killer.

Louis Jani

Gregory Waddell

Joke. Joke. Joke.

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Gemini Capricorn Cancer

Leo

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Pisces

Match the Presidental candidate with their description ofthe perfect lover. Keep in mind, many Presidential candidates are incapable oflove, so choose wisely. . .

Answers: