The Lemon Press XL - Issue 40

In this edition's headers, the fates of some Lemon Press members past and present according to alemnus Craig Dobson and the editors...

Editors’ Introduction to TLP XL

Dear friends, Welcome to the 40th issue of The Lemon Press, and to our final issue as editors. We come to this editors’ introduction in the third consecutive day of putting together this extra-large edition. After four years in the upper echelons of The Lemon Press, we feel duty bound to share our final thoughts on the society and the magazine that has somehow made it this far.

We both joined The Lemon Press because we had no friends. We still have no friends. Well, one each... Kevin the Intern (have you seen him?)

If this edition has taught us anything, it is that we are doomed to repeat ourselves in ever-decreasing circles of funniness, until we inevitably reach the bottom of a solid pit of pure self-loathing.

Nevertheless, the task is great, and the payment pitiful, but the glory... zero.

There is, however, a value to what we do. To hold incompetence to the light, and say, yes, we are incompetent! We are proud! We will put this on our CVs. The question we will hear in job interviews throughout our lives, what we hear from YUSU, is this: ‘What is the point of satire?’ In the words of Bill Coles: ‘Without charisma, you will be Ed Miliband.’

Without satire, you will be Princess Diana: dead in France.

To segue rather awkwardly back to the point, numerous battles with YUSU over what is and what is not satire have proven that satire is never unnecessary when dealing with the incompetents and incompetence of the everyday. It is the foot in the door, the man in your closet, and the last bastion against the destructive waves of idiocy and stupidity that define the Current Year.

A wise man who tragically died in a ‘bookcase catastrophe cum asbestos disaster’ once advised us that if you are working while an undergraduate you are a fool. He later advised us that if you are working while a postgraduate, you are simply misguided. He further advised us that if you are working ever, you have made a fatal mistake.

This man is, unsurprisingly, an academic at the University of York. But he is one of the people who brought us together in our first year through the happy coincidence of having surnames close to each other in the alphabet. This bond was strengthened following a shared sense of intense disappointment after a romantic liaison with Jacob Rees-Mogg, and secured over a few pints in the Rook & Gaskill.

But it was not until the first meeting of The Lemon Press that Myles and Henry grew the warm feeling of mutual hatred for each other that has been at the very centre of their friendship ever since. In a section editor election for the lofty position of News & Politics editor, Myles gave a speech about Helmuth von Moltke the Elder and his railways. In his nicest compliment to date, Henry described Myles as akin to ‘some prick from The Apprentice’. Myles won the election, with the misplaced feeling of pity driving up his vote share. He has won every election since.

Henry lost, but remains adamant he was correct. Myles has come to agree.

Eventually, we ended up in a second-year house in the beautiful environs of Tang Hall, living with a weeaboo degenerate and the strangest man we have ever known. The house was owned by a peculiar fellow of no first name, called Mr Khan. His family apparently lived in the garden shed, alongside the lawnmowers (perhaps they were the lawnmowers?) and turpentine. As a result, Mr Khan came around frequently, so frequently, in fact, that we would often cook an extra portion just in case Mr Khan decided to lecture us on the topic of proper window etiquette. Two years later, as we write this letter, we have smashed all our windows, however, our landlord is no longer Mr Khan, and seems displeased about this.

It was while as recipients of Mr Khan's muniference that we experienced some particular highlights in our time in this society. Mrs May decided to call a General Election for no apparent reason, and the society sprang into action. In preparation, we assaulted a senior member

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Editors’ Letter

of the society, Dr Bramoli, in a YSTV studio on camera until the fake tears turned into real ones. Much of the resulting footage has never been released. Our tribunal remains pending.

We pioneered the multimedia era of The Lemon Press, and got horrifically pissed at the Student Publication Association National Conference. We remain horrified by the memories of the then-chair, our degenerate housemate, stripping to his midriff as he leaped to the stage to claim our first award in several years, and our last to date.

At some point between our second and third years, Henry managed to acquire the financial support of the Church of England and in the process reclaimed Myles's spirit for God. The relationship between these two facts has never been fully expounded, although it is now believed that Myles is in the running to be the next Archbishop of York.

Between us, we have written several hundred articles of varying quality, if by ‘varying quality’, you take to mean ‘low to extremely bad’, words which happen to also be on many of our essay feedback forms.

We would not have been able to do so, however, without those that came before us; our forefathers and foremothers, eight grandparents, and sixteen great-grandparents, etc. They built the society up from the sordid drug-fuelled hysteria of the recession, and kept it going through the tumult and chaos of coalition, until it ended up in our hands. They passed down the sacred skills and deepest of lore. We have taken this opportunity to collate and preserve some of their finest work in this issue.

In this special issue, we have chosen some of our favourite content that represents just some of the wide-ranging oeuvre (France?) of The Lemon Press. Our apologies for any mistakes lingering in them. Blame the authors.

So, back to Diana.

Sorry, sorry, got distracted. In a rare moment of sincerity, we would like to talk about what the society is beyond the magazine. For both of us, it has brought about relationships. Some sexy, some decidedly not sexy. Whether or not these relationships last beyond the here-and-now is irrelevant. The repetition of content is mirrored in the repetition of members: joining as doe-eyed naïve freshers and coming out as cynical bitter graduates. Nevertheless, the traumatic memories made along the way stay with people for a lifetime, for better, or indeed, worse.

As we write this letter, we have both sat giggling at half past three in the morning and that is perhaps the best metaphor for what the society is.

With best wishes, Myles Dunnett (Editor 2016-2017, President 2017-2018, Editor 2018-2019) Henry Dyer (Deputy Editor 2016-2017, Editor 2017-2019)

Once a Lemon Presser, always a Lemon Presser.

Henry Dyer, 10, 2008.

Budget cuts: One media pass between two.

Myles and Henry, 2019.

Never the brightest...

Myles Dunnett, ~2, 1999.

Oh, look who's turned up.

Buckle up. It's a big one.

A Vaguely Sincere Account of the Origin of The Lemon Press, by Someone Who Was Nearly There

Hello, you. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my words printed here, which makes sense really since I graduated in 2012. To mark its 10 year anniversary, The Lemon Press’ current editorial staff reached out to its founders to bring you a special insight into how this magazine came to be. It’s probably in keeping with TLP’s shtick that they didn’t get the founders but instead me, an editor and contributor from issue 2 to 13. You get what you pay for.

The Lemon Press was founded principally with that most noble of aims: to pad out the founders’ CVs. This was at best partially successful: while I’m fairly sure everyone went on to have at least one job, whether or not The Lemon Press is responsible for mine in cancer research is hard to determine. The Lemon Press’ secondary raison d’etre was as an excuse for its members to be incredibly sarcastic for 40 minutes a week followed by 6 hours in the pub and something covered in chip spice. It might not surprise you to learn that the name, a pun combining the name of the local paper and the thing used to squeeze citrus(?), was given to the magazine by a man with his head resting on a table. We just never really challenged that afterwards.

Issue 1 was pegged as an ‘outlet for satire, creative writing, and miscellaneous insight’. The satire was decent, the creative writing extensive, and I’m still not sure TLP has ever been accused of possessing insight. The next few issues introduced an array of new sections, appointed an array of new people to edit them (and have something for their CVs), quietly constrained the creative writing to the odd poem and stole Vision’s thunder by winning Best Student Media at the NUS awards. Someone threw up on my shoes at the ceremony. By the time issue 4 rolled around it was no longer being produced in Powerpoint, had its familiar design and had more or less crystallised into its current form: a blend of Private Eye without the journalism, and Viz without being offensive.

The magazine was filling the void with slander at a rate so impressive it began to look beyond its papery walls. The website was set up, then it went down because we forgot to keep paying for it, then was set up again but with all the content missing, a cycle which would repeat every few years to this very day. This website soon technically broke news for the first time, being the first outlet to publish on the chemistry department catching fire (‘Earth, Wind and Water still at large’). The Lemon Press also experimented with live blogs and for years would run them exclusively for the YUSU elections, Eurovision, and the Superbowl, for reasons that I couldn’t possibly begin to explain. We tried a podcast, and we tried a TV collaboration with some of the makers of YSTV’s Checkmate. The less said about these probably the better.

The early Lemon Press would oversee many changes. We watched in surprise as the Labour party did not win the 2010 general election. We watched without much surprise as the Alternative Vote completely failed at being a thing. We watched the computer science department become the Harry Fairhurst Playground For Noisy Children. We watched Hes East get built, then some of us lived there and it was weird because nobody else did. We refused to learn that Constantine College existed. We marched against the tuition fee rises (from £3000/ year) and couldn’t stop them, even though our hashtag #unhelpfulalliances has since trended to include one other person. We’re sorry about the fees, but if it’s any consolation we didn’t have to pay the increase.

Maybe TLP never changed the world. We hope it didn’t make it worse, like York Vision, but I think we did okay given that we were generally aiming for fun over competency. I like to think my fellow alemni look back on the thing with fondness; multiple pairs of us would meet our future spouses in writing for this rag, so it can’t be all bad. Anyway. One of my editorial mandates was always ‘an article should never be longer than it is funny’. Having failed enormously on both counts, I invite you to move along and pay your massive fees, you whippersnapper.

Jamie Gallimore

This special 48-page anniversary edition was made possible by a grant from YuFund.

The editors send the society's thanks to YuFund for their generous donation.

Haven't seen your kind around here for a while.

Contents

Campus News & Politics Sexy Centerfold Religion & Opinion Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Sports Poetry & Horoscopes Alemni Contributions Deep Lore Reference Guide

pp 3‐13 pp 14‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐26 pp 27‐29 pp 30‐32 pp 33‐36 p 37 pp 38‐40 pp 41‐42 pp 43‐45 p 46

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Henry Dyer and Myles Dunnett Deputy Editors: Will Rowan and Hal Bowden Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace) Covers: Henry Dyer President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Marvin Drury Vice-President: Lucy Finnighan Social Secretary: Nick Lunn Ordinary Member: Giles Beattie With thanks to: Chris Small, Ashvini Rae, Chay Quinn, Callum Sharp, Gregory Waddell, Rosa Wright, Craig Dobson, Jamie Gallimore, Pasky Miranda, Dominic Mantle, and all members past and present who contributed towards this edition. Thanks to Charles Fonge, the university archivist, for his help in tracking down some old issues. For a (hopefully) full list of contributors to The Lemon Press, see the back cover.

Send complaints about being left out to the editors who have resigned by now to: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com.

Send complaints about the society for still going on to: lemonpress@yusu.org Please note: This is a satirical magazine, in case that wasn't clear after ten years. Quotations and facts likely to be inaccurate and also outdated.

Produced 26th February 2019.

Contents

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Joe Regan: Presumed alive Ryan Fitzgerald: Buried under Hes East ‘All this campus politics is a load of arse. No one gives a fuck about who is who, or what policies YUSU has.

Also, there's no such things as campus fucking celebrities. I didn't vote and I'm PROUD.’ Tim Ngwena, YUSU President, 2009-2011, quoted in a letter to The Lemon Press, issue 4, 2010.

YUSU Working Hard to Create a Better University for After You’ve Gone

YUSU Soctopus Denies Allegations of Sexual Deviancy

Let me tell you about all the exciting things that we, your elected representatives, are working to get ready for just after you graduate.

Driving the nail further into their humour coffin, YUSU have taken another ill-advised foray into the realm of comedy with their newest member of staff, the YUSU Soctopus. Mr Soctopus fulfilled the usual role of a YUSU mascot – i.e. a fairly patronising attempt to connect with your average university pleb. Yet beneath the bowtie, there lay a hideous side to our eight-limbed friend and in those innocent glass eyes was reflected the most unspeakable debauchery. His facade of YUSU inanity finally came tumbling down when he was introducing himself to AnimeSoc, upon which one of their members blurted: ‘Hang on a minute, you seem familiar...’

Firstly, Sam is doing a great job organising an incredible 4G Astroturf that is going to dramatically improve the experience of sports teams just after you leave them forever. Additionally, York is going to finally have a swimming pool and I think all students can look forward to the use the year below you will be getting out of the new facilities.

Meanwhile, Dan has got some ambitious plans that will drastically improve the Courtyard and he has told me that he intends to get the changes done just one week after you graduate. Keep up the good work, Dan! It’s not an easy job but we’re motivated to keep going by the thought of a better student experience, not starting ten years from now, or five years from now, but starting the day after your graduation ball.

Tim Ngwena as told to an author unknown, issue 5, 2010

The Fight Against ISIS ‒ YUSU Pledges Military Support In a turn of events that stunned the world, YUSU has proposed to offer military aid to the Iraqi government in an attempt to curb the rise of the Islamic fundamentalist group, ISIS. Joining US-led forces in the region will be YUSU’s modest air force of three remote controlled helicopters (with a built-in payload of five foam missiles each) and approximately 20 paper aeroplanes that, according to senior officials, ‘can go really, really far’. Intelligence analysts predict that the taskforce’s capabilities will include delivering love letters and blaring decadent western music at a range of approximately 2-10 feet.

Potentially, this will provide medium range surveillance if they manage to tape a GoPro to one of the landing struts.

YUSU led the international community in placing sanctions on ISIS at the start of term by banning them from all campus bars, charging an extra 20% for all merchandise, and revoking their free Unibus privileges.

However, the campus Nisa has resisted pressure to levy sanctions and continues trade with the militant group, offering essential supplies such as Pot Noodles for the low price of £9.50.

Discussions are now underway regarding the possibility of training opposing milita forces to ISIS. HAZSoc is already developed an intensive course to bring Iraqi Irregulars up to speed on modern tactics such as ‘not running away’ and ‘shooting a bit’. Meanwhile, the Model UN Association is reviewing their options, though analysts predict that aside from a stern telling off, they will again be doing bugger all for the foreseeable future.

When pressed for comment by intrepid Lemon Press student journo scum Randy Moleskin, ISIS officials claimed to be untroubled by the proposed intervention, asking: ‘What is YUSU?’ and ‘You do realise we're going to behead you now?’

Ben Walker, issue 22, 2014

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Campus: YUSU

Unfortunately, YUSU’s background checks proved to be woefully inadequate and failed to account for YUSU Soctopus’s (or to give him his real name, Tentacool Hentaicus’s) deep embroilment in the Japanese porn industry. Many incidents of gross misconduct emerged during his three hour commission. Most unfortunately, what was to be a simple and inclusive experience for the student community spun out of control into a whirlwind of deviancy, hedonism and perversion.

According to one onlooker, Mr Soctopus was found attempting to copulate with an AnimeSoc advertisement, huffing and slobbering the words: ‘Yes... Yes... Beautiful 2D. Bring back the good old days’. Others attest that the octopus was snorting MDMA from the breasts of a prostitute dressed as a schoolgirl in the Derwent toilets, yet these are only a few of the myriad of complaints against him.

Mr Soctopus denies all charges and claims anything that did prove to be true ‘...was simply banter’.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 23, 2015

YUSU Find New and Exciting Ways to Achieve Nothing

Led by Millie Beach, the team at YUSU have found profoundly original ways to achieve nothing. Rather than initiating ill-conceived policies and consequently failing to get them to work, the team have instead decided to simply disappear into the ethereal mist. This plan has required a level of attention and intelligence unheard of in previous YUSU sabbs. To succeed, officers have been taught advanced evasion techniques including: crouching behind their desks if anyone enters the office, diving behind shrubbery if they are spotted whilst walking along the lake, and secreting themselves within interior fittings in the campus bars and teaching rooms should anyone see them.

Last week alone Tamaki was spotted hiding behind a porter in the exhibition centre and Dom was seen gaffer-taping himself to the ceiling in Derwent. These new tactics have led to productivity levels so low they can no longer be expressed using oral or written forms of communication. Some students have been left wondering who represents them, and have expressed a desire to initiate martial law. A statement from the YUSU offices yesterday read ‘ ’.

Myles Dunnett, issue 31, 2017

We recently broke 2000 likes.

Chris Burgess: Counselling for councillors Vicky Proctor: In hiding in Osbaldwick

Ex‐BNOC Might Have Said Something, But We Can’t Tell You What A former University of York BNOC might have said something, but we aren’t allowed to tell you what it was. It may, or may not have, resulted in some consternation from the addressee. It may, or may not have, resulted in the dismissal of the addresser from employment. But we cannot confirm what was said. Indeed, we cannot confirm if anything was said.

But rest assured, if something was said, and we can’t tell you if it was, then it may or may not have caused an issue that may or may not have been an issue.

Essentially, something, that may or may not have happened may or may not have caused someone to become offended. The person that may or may not have been offended may or may not have been rather annoyed. This might (but, note, might not) have become an issue that may, but may not, have resulted in a lot of interest from media, or indeed, not-media, societies.

All we know is that we’re not allowed to tell you. AND THAT’S ALL WE KNOW. OR DON’T KNOW. We may or may not be allowed to print this.

Myles Dunnett, issue 34, 2017

Which Former YUSU President/Eurovision Entry Are You? Hey millennials, you avocado-eating fucks, stop screaming if it's a blue yanny or a gold laurel, and pick a former YUSU president to discern what sort of musical identity you should have. It'll give you a replacement for your personality, 100%, you won't even have to bother trying any more.

Tom 'Mad Cap'n' Scott, Prez '08-'09: Pirates of the Sea, the Latvian entry in 2008.

Yes, it may have come in 12th, but the UK gave them 10 points. Both Tom and the Pirates were underdogs, but only Tom won, proving that you shouldn't put your trust in the plucky spirit of the underdog because it probably won't work out. Something you might not have known.

(Matt Gray/Daniel Aragay) Tim Ngwena, Prez '09 - '11: The mastermind behind the blood diamond scandal of York, the controversy of his terms can only be met with a controversial Eurovision entry. Georgia's 2009 'We Don't Wanna Put In' by Stephane & 3G was decidedly political and linked to bloodshed, much like Ngwena's diamond (definitely not gifted to him by The Lemon Press).

(TLP/Eurovisionary)

Tim Ellis, Prez '11 - '12: Yeah, I know, who? Ellis's lack of impact on history makes him only comparable to the band Riva, the 1989 Yugoslavian winner, which performed 'Rock Me', a decidedly bland rock/pop fusion hell. Ellis and Yugoslavia are believed to share the same current status of not existing.

Kallum Taylor, Prez '12-'14: Banterman Taylor's considerable worldwide influence and fame, showing up on places like Azerbaijan TV, makes him comparable to ABBA, the Swedish superstars of 1974. His transition from YUSU president to Holgate Labour councillor mirrors the shift in ABBA's sound in their later albums. The Lemon Press awaits his triumphant return to YUSU's offices in 30 years.

(YUSU/Discogs)

(YUSU/AVRO)

Sam Maguire, Prez '14-'15: Sam's outspoken views on UKIP mean he is indeed the Belgian 1986 entry, Sandra Kim, whose 'J'aime la vie' swung the Belgians to their first and only victory. Maguire's youthful looks compliment the fact that Kim won at the age of 13. Both have since done little of merit.

(YUSU/IMDb) Ben Leatham, Prez '15-'16: Ben Leatham is a human being. That's one of the few confirmed facts that can be said about him. General incompetence married with a sense of dictating what is and isn't funny lines him up with Jedward, Ireland's back-toback entry in 2011 and 2012. Much like Jedward, Leatham's term was more tragic than funny. His one legacy, the petition site, has been claimed by another, just as Jedward's bonded soul (just the one) was claimed by Simon Cowell.

(YUSU/Michael Dorausch) Millie Beach, Prez '16-'17: The only woman on the list, her Vanbrugh College credentials and pushing of the horrific '#LoveYork' social media branding show a cutting edge approach ahead of her time. Whilst in term, she played her opponents like fiddles, as if they were toys, tying her up with the 2018 winner, Israel's 'Netta', who sang 'Toy'.

(YUSU/Wouter van Vliet) Henry Dyer, issue 36, 2018

YUSU to Choose Five Random ﴾White﴿ Students to be Sabbs in Efforts to ‘Diversify’ In what has been dubbed ‘political over-correctness’, YUSU has decided to undergo yet another effort to ‘diversify’. Often criticised for attracting the same sort of candidates, the YUSU elections will now appeal to a wider demographic. These new measures will see its election process being overhauled in order to make YUSU more ‘representative of its student body’.

As such, YUSU will simply pick the first five students who pass YorSpace – provided, of course, they’re white. It is hoped that this will help attract a more representative set of sabbs – perhaps hungover students on their way back to Eric A or even hungover students running late on their way to lectures.

Members of York’s BAME network have praised the initiative, saying ‘it’s good they’re no longer pretending to be subtle, I guess’.

In the interest of neutrality, The Lemon Press has also attempted to contact a White Students Network on campus (there isn’t one currently but, you know, give it time).

Ashvini Rae, issue 39, 2019

But the algorithm always demands more.

Campus: YUSU

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Dave Walker: Mogadishu sex cult Sarah Jeffery: All under one roof

Hip Hop Module Not Available to ‘Bitches and Ho’s’ As you kick back and relax in your introductory lectures, spare a thought for the students taking recently introduced Sociology module Hip Hop Studies, whose future is already in doubt this early in the year. The module, being run by recently qualified Dr. Clarence ’Big Poppa’ Smith PhD (Compton), has been condemned by equal rights groups after the descriptor stated that a prerequisite for the option was ‘not being a bitch or a ho’’.

One outraged student demanded that the department clear up what precisely this meant. ‘I mean it’s all pretty vague isn’t it? What actually constitutes being a bitch?

I’ve spent the day listening to various hip hop artists and there is no real consensus opinion.’

In the groundbreaking module, believed to be the first of its kind in the UK, students will be given an insight into the life of gangsters in run-down areas of California, touching upon such issues as the economics of drug dealing, along with lessons on gang sign language and how to discharge a 9mm pistol. One male prospective student told us: ‘In this time of austerity, one can really learn from the messages portrayed through hip hop. The protagonist in the song is invariably concerned with providing for his other half, or ‘bitch’, in an economy that is throwing up tough challenges in the job market. Oh the 9mm stuff?

That’s just a reason to blow shit up.’

At present The Lemon Press is unable to comment on rumours that the module was really commissioned by a member of the Sociology department after ‘Big Poppa’ got him out of a ‘sticky spot involving a suitcase of cocaine and two unaccounted-for escort girls’ whilst holidaying in Barbados.

Andy Brown, issue 4, 2010

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English Department Funded by Arms Industry The Department of English and Related Literatures at the University of York came under fire yesterday following revelations that the majority of funding received in the fiscal year 2011 had come from the arms industry. Following a Freedom of Information request by some desperate campus publication, it was revealed that over 70% of money received came from four arms companies, including the controversial WKB industries, informally known among its light-hearted workers as ‘We Kill Babies’.

‘I just don’t know what to feel,’ one distraught first-year flicky-haired scarf-wearing moppet from Derwent confided in The Lemon Press, ‘I used to admire and respect my lecturer, but the revelation that his seminal “Poke (Ot)her Face: Decontextualising the ‘Self’ in Bad Romance” was funded by a land mine manufacturer and may see use in combat in Afghanistan next year has totally shaken my belief in him.’ In total, over eleven million pounds in arms-related grants were given to the department, mainly in the suspiciously euphemistic field of ‘deconstruction’. Nick O’Deamus, chairman of ‘Ordnance Must Go’ (OMG), a totally genuine anti-arms group, told The Lemon Press that in his opinion the association with arms companies had absolutely soiled the university’s image, and was undoubtedly the reason for its recent six-place slide down a league table, a descent steep enough to make the front page of weighty publications such as Nouse.

In total, well over half the research done by the department over the last year was connected in some way to what is known to industry professionals as ‘Killy Killy Bang Money’, including such projects as ‘Finding Bin Laden: The Hermeneutics of Jihad’, and ‘No Seriously Guys He’s In Pakistan: Towards a Textual Terrorism’. The department, however, has been active in its own defence. Earlier today the Head of the English Department, speaking from the Iron Throne of the Signified, released a statement brimming with malice: ‘If one examines neodialectic capitalism, one is faced with a choice: either reject social realism or conclude that discourse is a product of collective violence: Or, to follow Foucault, violens. That is, subpatriarchal discourse – in the form of “war”, or “arms” companies (surely itself a signifier of a Lacanian roundabout, since the only “arms” these companies possess are almost unbearably mythopoetic) – merely serves as a focusser or interpolator into a rather risque desituationism. That is to say, nothing.’

Tom Keefe, issue 8, 2011

Lecturer’s Warnings on Plagiarism Sound Familiar, Say Students

History students have told of the surprising similarities between their talk on plagiarism by Dr Owyn Jones and a 2003 talk by a Yale professor. One second year told us: ‘Yes, some of the words were rearranged but it was essentially the same content with some key phrases lifted wholesale out of the Yale talk. It is obvious Dr Jones has not fully read about the issue and tried to pass someone else’s work off as his own.’ Dr Jones denied the accusations in a statement which read: ‘I deny all allegations of wrongdoing and have to wonder if I am being victimised because some people are still not ready to accept successful African-Americans teaching in our Ivy League colleges.’

David Spriggs, issue 7, 2011

University of York Announces Two New ‘Superdepartments’ The degree course ‘Righteous Indignation on Behalf of Others’ is to be subsumed by the Department of Serious Issues and Silly Walks, while the courses ‘How to Avoid Microaggression in Inter-Office Emails’ and ‘Creating a Safe Place for a Safe Space with Great Grace’ are to be put under the control of the Department of General Jobseekers. These two ‘Happy’ Faculties will control everything from design and implementation, to ‘censorship is far too direct a phrase for what it will be’.

Professor I P Daily from the Department of

The Lemon Press Examines Academic Research at the University of York

Euphemisms and Urinary Issues said that the new Departments represented ‘a positive shift towards recognition of very serious issues that cannot be forgotten about’. When asked directly what these issues were, he claimed that he had forgotten.

Elsewhere on campus, the Department of History is due to be renamed to the Department of All Temporal Eras to avoid making the present and future cry and have runny noses, while English and Related Literature will now be known simply as ‘Everybody Words’.

Myles Dunnett, issue 27, 2016

It can be easy to forget that the student experience is not the only side to university and that quality research is being carried out right here in York. In an attempt to shine a light on this relative enigma, we are printing this request for research funding that we have procured from our sources.

Issue 5, 2010

Campus: University Departments

The finest live campus coverage.

Sam Partridge: Amongst the pigeons Lizzie Dearden: At WAR

Heslington Hall Definitely Not Stockpiling Nuclear Weapons

Concerns over the University of York’s controversial funding of various military research programs came to a head earlier this week with the discovery of a large stockpile of nuclear warheads hidden deep beneath Heslington Hall. The find was made by a team of undercover journalists disguised as students disguised as janitors who have spent the last six months secretly operating across the university, trying to track several inexplicable radiological leaks.

The discovery of the weapons (a total of twenty-seven three hundred kiloton warheads) has led to a resumption of student action against the University institution. Following their protests last year, pacifistic student groups such as DISARM and ARMLESS had been explicitly told by the University that any involvement in weapons manufacture was at an end. The apparent breach of trust has led the above groups to mobilise another bout of moderately idealistic demonstration.

The protestors’ latest plan is to surround Heslington Hall and annoy its occupants with poorly designed placards and a series of increasingly uncatchy chants. The prospective protestors are optimistic, predicting that given two or three days of this treatment the Heslington Hall reps will surely crumble. Say the protestors: ‘We will not rest until given at the very least another ambiguously worded assurance of dubious moral value by the highest levels of University authority.’

The university claims that the ‘Heslington Hall Glorious Armament Program’ is solely a measure for academic defence, with no plans or provisions put in place for offence. However, persistent rumours that Heslington Hall is being converted into a huge armoured robot for easy missile deployments remain, rumours which so far the University has neither confirmed nor denied.

Elliot Gresswell, issue 2, 2010

Brian Cantor Refuses to Release Slaves University Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor has refused multiple pleas from visiting prophets to ‘let their people go’, causing disastrous results for campus. Thursday Week 4 saw the Chemistry department set alight by divine wrath, causing multi-million pound damage to the undergraduate labs. Later on Monday Week 5, flooding occurred in the Biology department. University Officials dismissed rumours that they would release their sizeable slave force, even after the following hail storm on the Thursday of that week, insisting that work on the Vice Chancellor Cantor’s pyramid would continue on Hes East. The lake turned to blood in Week 7, a change which has yet to be noticed by more than a handful of students.

This is not the first time biblical plagues have struck the University, not long after the institute first opened it suffered a plague of ducks, a disaster which we are still seeing the results of nearly five decades later.

Pasky Miranda, issue 11, 2012

Lamberts Lands Two months on from the arrival of our new Vice-Chancellor Koen Lamberts, the replacement for the oft-lambasted Brian ‘Ski Chalet’ Cantor, absolutely nothing is any different, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal.

Expert analysts and two-bit talking heads have commented that whilst the new VC is ‘100% more Belgian’ than his predecessor, little else has noticeably changed following his handover.

The revelation seems to support the growing idea that nobody is particularly bothered as to whom the Vice-Chancellor is, or whatever the hell is that he does all day. What we do know, however, is that the Belgian plans to share power with his trusty terrier, Snowy.

Tom Davies, issue 19, 2014

Street Uni Boss Admits ‘Yeah, Students are Getting Pwned’ A Vice-Chancellor at York who claims to be ‘tight’ with students has conceded that they are paying over the odds for their degrees. Talking to a Lemon Press reporter disguised as a fellow gang overlord, the VC laughed: ‘They’re, like, getting blapsed. In the face. I’m not surprised that window got merked.’ The reputedly power-mad top boss and GTA fanboy added: ‘Nick Clegg is such a LAD for lying like that!’ and described the impending rise in tuition fees as ‘sweet, even H’. With regards to students at York getting value for money, the VC, seemingly letting his guard down, joked: ‘If I was a humanities student, man I would be cussing, calling everybody bagheads, whiteys and rasclarts. But we’re getting a fly new library soon so they can’t realistically be hating about that.’

Issue 6, 2011

A Game of Loans

‘Just look at them Duncan, aren't they disgusting?’, said Lord Lamberts, Vice-Chancellor of the Nine Colleges, Lord of the Beige Keep, and protector of the University. Lord Duncan, Master of Laws on the University Small Council, nodded in sycophantic agreement with his liege. ‘Yes, my Lord, revolting; so fresh faced and full of hope. We'll soon beat that out of them.’ The two men were standing on the balcony of the Beige Keep watching thew new immigrants begin their yearly exodus to the great halls of the realm. Lamberts sighed wearily. Little more than children for the most part, and yet how many of them shall truly enjoy what lies beyond the comfort of their mothers’ skirts?

‘I suppose they'll be gallivanting about the place for the rest of the week, breaking my peace, fornicating, throwing up on the poor geese?’ Lord Duncan eyed his liege nervously. ‘Well, yes, my lord.

You are of course referring to age old “Freshening Week”, a tradition which has stood since...’

‘I don't care for it Duncan, not one bit. If it was up to me I'd have it all banned. House YUSU and their bloody festival of fools, that bloody mummers farce on Hes East decked out like some sort of ersatz Glastonbury and the ridiculous thing they call a ‘Raid’, when it's just more tomfoolery outside the walls in brightly coloured tunics.’

Lord Duncan murmured in agreement before swiftly changing the subject. ‘In other news, my lord, the extension to the outer walls of the three towers of the library has been completed.’

‘Ah yes, this is that little atrium we built to force the ‘baccy stained smoker untermensch a little further back across the bridge.’ Lamberts replied.

‘Yes my lord, just so.’ The two men stood in silence for a few secodns until they realised nothing else had happened in the short time since term began.

‘God I miss Kallum bloody Taylor’, said Lamberts mournfully.

Tom Davies, issue 21, 2014

Get it on our Twitter @thelemonpress. Campus: University Administration

6

Dominic Mantle: Professional kestrel tamer Arthur Pitt: Knee deep

York Set to Unveil Library of the Future

University Unearths Forgotten Campus

Library officials have announced plans to transfer the entire facility’s catalogue onto Amazon’s top selling gadget, the Kindle. ‘We heard they can store thousands of books,’ said University Director Stephen Town, ‘and we thought, hang on, WE have thousands of books right here!’

Following claims that the University of York created fake classes to give students undeserved credits, TLP investigated further allegations of such classes being located in fictitious rooms on campus such as ‘K/133’ and ‘K/G60’. YUSU President Kallum Taylor was reported as saying ‘Eh, look guys, I know this has to be fake. I have been all over campus, and I mean all over it, and there are no “K” blocks. And I should know something about the letter K.’

‘We’ve called the contractors doing the refurbishment and told them to just call the whole thing off. Who needs a modern, functional library building when you can have all your books on one, lightweight tablet?’

Brian Cantor also announced his support for the project. ‘With the costs of library refurbishment spiralling, and the Kindle costing as little £111, I can put our resources to better use. Like on my extension at home, for example. Actually, I might just transfer the contractors directly to my house. I’m willing to wait three or four years for them to finish the job.’

Charles Deane, issue 6, 2011

Hugely Disappointing Discovery Made at University of York

A team of anthropologists have discovered the remains of what appears to be ‘Wentworth College’. Wentworth, which was believed to be either a rumour circulating on campus, or the stuff of nightmares, turns out to actually exist. Initial findings reveal that the College had been there since 1802, but no one had been able to find it. After several visits, the site was declared by York City Council as ‘a disgrace’, ‘unsafe for children under 4’, and ‘the best campus experience in York’, and has since been forgotten again as nobody actually cares about it.

Dom Starke, issue 30, 2016

However, the investigation revealed something very surprising – the rooms and classes in question had not been made up at all. All of the locations mentioned belong to a building called ‘King’s Manor’ that the university owns and had completely forgotten about, as it is located in the far off, mystical place of ‘Town’.

The Lemon Press managed to track down the only member of faculty who knew anything about the building, Dr Kay Wanwan-Seeks, who told us: ‘Oh yeah, I vaguely remember when the university acquired that. It’s in town or something, right?’

The Grade 1 listed building, once used as the seat of government by both the Stuarts and the Tudors, houses the departments including Archaeology and Medieval Studies. A poll revealed that it had been unheard of by 92% of the student population, until it was re-discovered last week during a third year’s archeological dig.

‘There are hundreds of students that we’ve just completely forgotten about. They’ve been completely missing out on university welfare and all the support we have to offer,’ said YUSU Welfare Officer Bob Hughes.

‘That is completely our bad.’

When asked how things would change now that the University might take the slightest interest in their department, Eighteenth-Century Studies students were reported as saying, ‘Seriously, guys. We’ve been here the whole time.’

Lois Stone, issue 15, 2013

Photo Ruined by Campus

Sid Leigh, issue 30, 2016

University officials responsible for compiling the next prospectus were left frustrated this week after they discovered that none of their available photographic material was usable. ‘This one’s got campus on it too,’ said one team member, disposing of the picture in the increasingly full ‘recycle bin’. It has since been decided that the front cover of the prospectus will feature an image of a huge, blurred finger.

Issue 7, 2011

University Shut the Borders as Library Becomes Student Card Access Only

University bosses have been slammed as ‘militant, right wing, Neo-Nazis’ as they officially slammed shut the borders of the library. Students returned from the Christmas break and were heard grumbling ‘for fuck’s sake’ under their breath as they had to rummage around for their student cards to get into the library.

This move is believed to have been put in place to stem the flow of education migrants from entering the key on-campus facility. This summer, there will be no sign of AQA revision guides and blue reading folders atop the library desks, in a bid to relieve pressure on what has been branded the ‘annual chairs crisis merry-go-round.’

However, the move has angered many campaigners, as students fear an increase in people on the streets, as they have no place to revise. Collections for revision materials such as chairs, tables, and noisy, distracting, large packets of crisps are taking place to help the scores of locals who will be camping out in tents by the library entrance.

Library manager, Figel Narage, has described the decision as revolutionary: ‘Yes, it has finally happened and we are delighted that we can now control the borders. York students’ hard earned student debts will now pay for York students’ hardly earned degrees, and not the scrounging fee-dodging library tourists.’

Dean Bennell, issue 27, 2016

7

Campus: Architecture Hopefully the next editors will be better with the site.

Alex Allison: Inside himself Rachael Healy: In (a) Vice

Sport at York for Freshers: Quick Reference Guide Rugby: Quiet, retiring, and academically driven, the Rugby team cut an unassuming presence at the University, with their puritanical attitude towards alcohol consumption leading to several prominent University officials labelling them as dull. Considerate and public-spirited, members of the Rugby team can often be seen around campus gently chiding rowdy students for drunkenness or misbehaviour, campaigning for gender and racial equality, or helping to tidy campus bars after their inevitable trashings at the hands of the Chess club.

Cricket: Yorkshire is a bastion of tradition and backwardness, and Cricket is a traditional and backward sport; Cricket at York is therefore a unique opportunity. W. G. Grace-esque facial hair became compulsory for club members in 2002, whilst it is not uncommon for players to receive lifetime bans from the University for appealing too vociferously, wearing black socks or celebrating wickets with too much enthusiasm.

Chess: The Chess Club have developed a notorious reputation around campus over recent years, due to their consistently boorish, laddish antics and extreme initiation rituals. Last year, one fresher was admitted to hospital with horrific internal injuries after being forced to insert twenty five un-lubricated bishops into the various orifices of his body as part of a drinking forfeit, whilst controversial team captain Brook ‘The Rook’ Knight has a series of convictions for violent drug-related crimes and a rapidly expanding local business distributing chess-themed ‘pawnography’.

Strimpholsting: York is the only University in the world with a club dedicated to the ancient Persian sport of Strimpholsting, which revolves around strimping the Kurnbiddler around the Grontain, the ultimate objective being to trundle the Hassledonk between the Widdleburner and the Muntyplank. An intriguing spectacle, Strimpholsting matches can last weeks or even months, whilst the inherently violent nature of the sport has contributed to 47 student deaths over the past three years, usually resulting from over-zealous Fabbledrongers losing control of the Jogglyturner.

Dave Hughes IV, issue 13, 2012

York Misanthropy Society Boasts Record Number of Members Since its foundation last term, Misanthropy Society (MisanSoc) has struggled to come to terms with the sheer volume of its members.

Despite deliberately setting up their stand in a remote location, MisanSoc attracted a record number of students at the Freshers’ Fair.

Since then, membership numbers have continued to climb, causing panic, confusion, and existential angst amongst the signatories.

MuggleSoc Initiation ‘Toughest Ever’ MuggleSoc has come under fire yet again this year for the harshness of their annual initiation, known to its members as the ‘Ordeal of the Phoenix’, usually followed by a ‘Deathly Hangover’. Over one hundred Freshers were reported to have taken part in the bizarre ritual that left many vomiting and bewildered. The Lemon Press had the privilege to interview a few of them, and felt sullied as a result.

‘It was horrible,’ reported one wild-eyed witness, ‘and I went to a private school, so I know what I'm talking about. To begin with, we had to solemnly swear we were up to no good, then we were locked in a room for 4 hours with a barrel full of Bertie Bott's every-flavour beans to eat. And I mean, every flavour. I got lucky – my worst was earwax. But some poor Hufflepuff had to eat one tasting of his parents' disappointment. That stung.

‘After that, the second- and thirdyears (“Prefects”, in the gang parlance) came running back in with foaming tankards of Butterbeer. And I know that sounds like a fun description in the books, but the only way to achieve it is baking soda, Anchor Unsalted and Wifebeater. Yeah, we downed them. Gryffindor 'til I die.

‘Things got a little hazy beyond that point – I think my, ah, memory must have been modified. I vaguely remember something about “Every time you destroy a Horcrux, do a shot!” and

something involving bleeding dragons. Oh yeah, they made us drink Half-Blood Pints. Then they got the all-male Quidditch team together and made them strip off, hold each other's wands and promise to love each other forever. That bit didn't really fit with the rest of the night - I'm not sure what it was about, to be honest.’

Despite your reporter’s skill in the dark art of Legilimency (sorry, mind-reading; ‘going native’ is an ever-present risk to the investigative journalist), nothing more was extractable from the filthy blood-traitor. So I left him in a convenient gutter, and moved on to the next stooge, a bossy Mudblood with buck teeth whose Chamber of Secrets I had absolutely no intention of making a joke out of. Damn.

‘I think it's absolutely despicable that this sort of thing goes on,’ she said earnestly, ‘and I intend to write a comment piece for Nouse forthwith! It's not just the heavy drinking, curiously homoerotic overtones, bad language, and significant risk of death I object to so much; it's the way it has endangered our academic careers at the university.’ She added, “I suppose you might say, we could have been killed – or worse, expelled.’

A spokesman for YorkSport said ‘You think you're so fucking clever, don't you? Twat.’

Tom Keefe, issue 6, 2011

Over three-hundred people visited the stand, causing undesirable proximity between the members.

‘I didn’t want to have to look anyone in the eye,’ one member told us (we think; he was mumbling). ‘But soon enough there were five other people standing quite close to me, taking my oxygen.’

Four months on, the future of the society is in jeopardy. The chair, Ivor Black-Hart, says he is considering disbanding MisanSoc altogether.

He told us: ‘I’m starting to think I’ve created a monster. Someone suggested a social yesterday. A social. Are they insane? They should be drinking copious amounts of whiskey on their own in a wood-panelled study. Yet they want to gather. It’s a massive paradox, a black hole that threatens to consume the entire population. Probably for the best.’

With a sinister smile, Black-Hart added: ‘FetSoc look much more interesting anyway.’

Olivia Waring, issue 11, 2012

thelemonpress.co.uk

Campus: Societies & Sports

8

Nicholas Saul: France probably Jamie Gallimore: Curing Vision readers of eye sores

Only One Home Left, Say Leading Letting Agents

Health Centre Introduces New Appointment System

There remains only home left for students to rent, The Lemon Press can reveal today. The home, which displays evidence of dry and wet rot, is situated in Acomb, a mere hour’s walk from the university, and is in an area widely renowned for its alarmingly high crime figures and its increasing number of unemployed and often raucous badgers. Prices for the home start at £99 per person per week, with the deposit weighing in at £400.

The university’s Health Centre launched its new Battle Royale system this week to replace its much-criticised ‘stay and wait’ service.

'It’s good to see all the intelligent students have already got their houses sorted out for next year,' a leading letting agent has told The Lemon Press, 'but everyone else is up shit creek without a paddle, to be honest.

Issue 6, 2011

University Goes to New Lengths to Provide Accommodation A wildly ambitious admissions policy has left the University of York dangerously oversubscribed, and with existing accommodation options woefully inadequate, the university has been forced to adopt a more improvisational approach.

Initially, the steps taken were fairly minor. Converting the ensuites of New Vanbrugh and Goodricke from single person to five person rooms was a simple matter of inserting mattresses and beanbags. A similar process has opened up the Harry Fairhurst building to students, with university officials speculating that up to a thousand can be housed within the comfy sofa areas that take up most of the space. However, the need to utilise every last spare metre has led to some drastic measures, such as populating the lake.

The scheme, entitled 'Operation Lebensraum', involved the construction of small platforms out of twigs, dry leaves and small blocks of polystyrene for buoyancy, which float on the University’s extensive lake.

The flimsy construction of the accommodation, deep water, borderline radioactive pollution, and suspected mutant wildlife of the lake have led to some concerns over access and basic safety, with the 500 places strictly limited to 'strong, confident swimmers'.

Dave Hughes, issue 9, 2011

Under the new system, patients queued outside of the Health Centre at 8.30am on a weekday will be required to fight each other in order to see a doctor. The last patient standing will be the first treated. Patients arriving later will also be entitled to challenge anybody in the waiting room to try and secure a better position on line.

The system is expected to greatly improve the efficiency of the service.

‘The strongest patients, who have the best chance of surviving and can be treated most easily, are dealt with first and ease the strain on the system’, explained a spokesman for the Health Centre. ‘Meanwhile those whose illnesses are expensive or take a long time to cure can be taken out of the system without needing to use valuable resources.’

‘Traditional appointments will of course still be available, but they will remain limited and students will have to wait for them. As a concession, these appointments will be accompanied by a free “walk it off” service.’

This follows a trend of stiff-upper-lip encouragement in North Yorkshire healthcare, with York Hospital placing numerous ‘Man Up!’ and ‘Chill Out!’ posters in the Intensive Care Unit and Burns Unit respectively.

Reception of the new system at the centre this morning was largely positive. ‘You’re here for a blood test? Let’s not waste time. I’ll draw blood for you’, said one third year with severe constipation.

The Health Centre has been roundly criticised in the past for being too small to deal with the number of students that require its services. With the impending arrival of Constantine College in September, the Health Centre’s resources are set to be stretched even further. Efficiency initiatives like the Battle Royale system have been created in order to balance supply and demand, and if successful might be adapted for next year’s inevitable overhaul of the accommodation system.

Alexandra Craven, issue 19, 2014

Reasons to be Cheerful Living in Tang Hall

Spot the Difference

Derwent

1940s Warsaw Issue 3, 2010

9

Campus: Housing and Healthcare

Issue 2, 2010

Hey good looking. Like what you see?

Ellen Larson: Anywhere but Trump's America [Name redacted]: Attacking homeless men with a sword

Gordon Bennett

Widespread Changes to University Accommodation This academic year sees the high-profile and much talked about move of Langwith College from Langwith College, Main Campus to Langwith College, Hes East. TLP reports on the other alterations to university accommodation which may have gone unnoticed because of the media hype and hastily altered signage.

Eric Milner-White Court

Vanbrugh College Widely regarded as being the most appallingly unattractive and unpleasant accommodation available on campus, these lakeside dwellings have been extensively amended by virtue of the recent flooding. The university’s accommodation services have now updated their website to include the ground floor swimming pools* and first floor jetties exclusive to Eric Milner-White. *In some instances, swimming pools have been replaced by diving pools depending on the extent of the flood damage.

York Sport Village

Hes East The York Sport Village has rightly received widespread praise because it is new, shiny and cost a lot of money. However, certain concerns and questions have been raised; namely, is it a village or just a sports centre?

One student, whose name we didn’t quite catch, expressed concern: ‘The least I expect of a village is a pub which doesn’t play music, a church, a scattering of racists and a smell of shit. The Sport Village only delivered on two of those expectations. Disappointing.’

Brian Cantor’s Ski Chalet

Chamonix, Off Campus (as featured on the Channel 4 exposé) In a philanthropic publicity drive, plans are afoot for Cantor’s ski chalet in the French Alps to be made available for students studying abroad as part of the ERASMUS scheme 2012/13. Dubiously run and managed by the University of York’s administration office, it occupies the top rent band (£1,100 per week). When we asked Mr Cantor about these plans, he had this to say: ‘No comment.’

Tom Taylor, issue 13, 2012

Bennett Out, Bennett In As Adam Bennett close their doors at Market Square, the University of York has a new letting agency on campus. Famed playwright Alan Bennett, of 'The History Boys' and 'The Madness of King George' has joined the property market. Speaking exclusively to The Lemon Press, Alan revealed that through his authorial connections he would be letting out properties connected to a wide variety of fictional worlds. The following are some of the properties students will soon be able to rent: •'Traditional cosy one bedroom hut in Eeyore's Gloomy Place', a property in the Tang Hall area.

•'Ideal for Poohsticks enthusiasts', a still flooded property near the Foss.

•'Former Wonderland Duchess's apartments, recommended for families', a large eight bedroom house scarred by a criminal record for child abuse.

As a special benefit for renting through Alan Bennett, all communication will be carried out in his famous burr, making the whole process far more relaxing.

Henry Dyer, issue 28, 2016.

Then why not like our Facebook page?

A new student letting agency, Gordon Bennett, has opened above Market Square in the old premises of Adam Bennett. The old tenants closed up shop and moved into a shed in Fulford a few months ago, and the unit has been empty since. Key selling points for the unit include steel reinforced floors, an abundance of spinny chairs, and 1,000 boxes of leftover Jaffa Cakes addressed to ‘Mr B’. Gordon Bennett team member Noel Tomato released a statement saying: ‘We are proud to be the only letting agency on the university site, but we’re even more proud to be the only letting agency in York with a staff average IQ of over 23.’ The agency has over 300 properties, ranging from the delightful ‘House with Roof and 3 Walls in Heslington Area’ to the quaint ‘Lean-to Suitable for Students on a Budget: Beautiful View of Night Sky’. The owner, Gordon, is said to be of ‘below average intelligence’. The owner of a rival agency had this to say: ‘hurrghgghrrghhh *gurgle* hurgghrrrrgghhh’.

Myles Dunnett, issue 31, 2017

Asbestos Accused of Having Derwent Rumours have circulated about the health of Asbestos, who has reportedly been seen with signs of Derwent. The rumours started late on Saturday, when she checked herself into Unity Health, who naturally told her that she would have to wait for 4 months to see a GP. It was reported that she had a sense of insecure masculinity, as well as an inability to talk to anyone about anything other than their drinking or drug habits.

On Wednesday her condition seemed to have worsened, when she was heard chanting ‘If you're not asbestos, you're a cunt’ in the middle of D Bar. When she realised that everyone around her felt uncomfortable, and was simply ‘being a dick’, according to an unnamed friend who is close to Asbestos, she simply groaned and complained about how boring the other carcinogens were. The carcinogen community has had mixed reactions to the news of Asbestos. Some have suggested that she should be sectioned for fear of the disease spreading. Others have been more lenient on her. IC Engine Exhaust Fumes said: ‘It's not her fault that she caught this horrible, horrible disease. Kindness does so much good to a carcinogen.’

Perkin Amalaraj, issue 38, 2018

Is Your Housemate in ISIS? An Easy Checklist: - No chill - Doesn't pay tax - Claims responsibility for things they couldn't possibly have done - Oversimplifies politics and ideology - Hates public spaces - Nervous about you seeing their browsing history - Terrible driver - Declared their room part of a caliphate - When you signed up at Adam Bennett you saw their guarantor was 'the House of Saud' - Hates Crunchy Nut® - Favourite club is Kuda Pasky Miranda and Louis Jani, issue 33, 2017

Is Your Housemate a Cannibal? A Quick Guide: - Largely carnivorous diet.

- Cooks mysterious looking sausages on a regular basis.

- Takes up more freezer space than is allocated.

- Goes on to complain about lack of said freezer space.

- You catch them staring at you, but, upon discovery, they stare longingly out the window.

- Listens to Nickelback.

- Nickname in the flat chat is Der Metzgermeister.

- Asks if you’ve ever tried intestine.

- Imports absinthe as beverage of choice.

- Inhales deeply when behind you.

- Smells like corned beef.

Kathryn Sandercock, issue 34, 2017

Campus: Housing and Healthcare

10

Sairah Rehman: The 19th century Craig Dobson: St George's Hospital receiving treatment for anal fissures

422 Banter Squadron

'Banter, Stanley. It was for the banter...'

As McTallyho’s eyes slowly closed, a final breath escaped his lips.

Major Stanley Downitthresher looked to his comrade. How could it have ended like this? Mere hours ago, the two of them had been there, together. On the pitch.

'It was banter my friend, it was.

You were always a true lad to me...' The words escaped his throat, but even as they were lost to the distant echo of Toploader. It was over now. McTallyho had gone. Stanley let the limp body drop to the ground. Chunder surrounded him – his best men had finally lost. How had this happened? No one could outdrink Downitthresher’s men! No one!

But standing there, Stanley felt the darkness close in.

'Damn it, this is my fault' he thought. 'I should have known...

You don’t down pitchers of snakebite and then hit the vodka.

I... I’ve overbantered.'

Stanley staggered forward – he would not be taken! No! At least one of them would stay standing!

He had to... For his boys. For his dignity. For his banter. There was only one thing for it.

The Major lifted his feet off the stick of the Willow carpet. He had acquired his target. As Stanley looked down the stairs, the lacrosse captain danced with wild abandon. Getting with her would save the night. It would give his men hope!

Stanley continued to stagger forward, set on his goal. Suddenly though, his surroundings were moving too fast. And too downwards.

As he hit the floor, the Major knew he’d lost. Just before he blacked out, one last thought came to him.

'Fuck, I forgot about the stairs.

Well, at least England won the rugby, lol.'

Alex Lusty, issue 23, 2015

A Day in the Life of Conrad, the Willow Bouncer

Willow OAP Special Willow owner Tommy Fong today announced plans to release a special member’s card available only to third years and postgraduates. The Obviously Ancient Partygoer (OAP) card allows special discounts for those who still make it to Willow, despite supposedly knowing better.

Benefits of the card include cheap drink deals, so OAPs can overcome their learned tolerance to alcohol and party like it’s Freshers’ Week 2010, along with a queue jump for the toilet to compensate for age-induced incontinence.

‘Willow is a club that appeals to young and old. We want to make sure that we reward our loyal customers who’ve given us so much of their student loan over the years. We even considered installing a stair-lift but couldn’t get planning permission’ commented Mr Fong.

Reactions from Willow patrons have been mixed. ‘I’m offended. I’m only 21. In my day this would never have been allowed – these kids today don’t know they’re born.’ ‘I love these cards. I love you. You’re my best friend. Willooooooow… oh I’ve hurt my back.’ ‘I used to go to Willow but now I’ve turned to drugs. Blood pressure pills, mostly. I do take Evening Primrose for my joints, but it can make them too soggy to light.’

Rosa Wright, issue 15, 2013

YSTV Scandal A member of staff at York Student Television (YSTV), who cannot be named for legal reasons, was today relieved of all duties at the ancient student station. The scandal erupted after said rogue was seen performing a lewd act on air during his primetime slot.

The trouble started when one intensely bored third year actually decided to watch some student television. ‘I had never bothered with YSTV before because I could always waste my time with other activities,’ said Bethany Herbage yesterday, ‘but I had an essay deadline coming and was really trying my best to procrastinate. So I turned on a bit of YSTV.’ The sight that met her eyes was almost too distressing to describe.

‘He was standing there, completely naked save for a ribbon tied around his genitals, masturbating furiously with the sort of vigour I'd never thought possible. That would have been fine, I guess, but he was also being a bit racist, which I thought was even more shocking.’

Olivia Waring, issue 12, 2012

11

An official statement by a spokesman for YSTV expressed regret for what was labelled a ‘grave mistake.’ However, in an

Campus: Willow Nostalgia & Student Media

exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, every bean was spilled: ‘We just got so sloppy with our surveillance of what was going on air. Do you think we want to watch it either? Turns out he's been doing it for four months now but nobody noticed. Not even one of our several YSTV viewers!’

The station has been switched off until everything can be sterilised of racism, including the badlyhung backdrops, old microphones and shoddy lighting. An open letter posted on the YSTV website today claims, ‘We are happy that we can return to broadcasting The Crazy Student Masturbation Hour next week, with a new presenter who promises he isn't in the least bit racist.’

As a result of the furore, concerns over censorship practices and moderation of all student media are being voiced. The incident harked back to the infamous URY fascism scandal two years ago when York student radio unwittingly broadcast the speeches of Adolf Hitler for six months running before someone actually bothered to tune in and complain.

Arthur Pitt, issue 2, 2010

We may be going...

Olivia Waring: Ex­directory David Spriggs: Behind you

YUSU Censorship Revealed It may not be immediately apparent but The Lemon Press, alongside other campus publications, is subject to YUSU censorship. In the interests of transparency we have taken the unprecedented step of publishing the notes from YUSU that we have received for this issue.

Hello, this is the breakdown of my feedback for the articles that there are some problems with: •‘How YUSU is spending YOUR money’: We’ve talked to our lawyers and we feel it is libellous to say Tim Ellis has been sexually involved with any kind of lizard, let alone student funded lizards.

Additionally, it is highly inaccurate to say he has fled to central America after being caught breaking into an exotic pet shop. I saw him just this morning – and in the office, not in an exotic pet

shop.

•‘How to claim your free DVD’: Again, we’ve talked to our lawyers and they consider telling people that the way to get a free DVD is to shoplift at HMV to be incitement to stealing.

•‘YUSU censorship revealed’: I am so confused. How did you submit this article before I responded to it? Am I now censoring my censorship? If I find things about my censoring that I need to censor does that mean I am unfit to censor? This is seriously hurting my brain; how is this even happening? And If you run this, don’t use my name.

•Say something like ‘Bob Brughes’ but not that – as creative writers you’ll obviously be able to come up with something much better.

‘Bob Brughes’, issue 10, 2011

Were The Floods Pre‐Emptive Divine Retribution for Vision’s Sinful Publication?

Many of you are aware of the two scandals which rocked campus recently. On Tuesday 16th October, in a dramatic turn of events, the University flooded, only for campus’ ‘most awarded student newspaper’ to ask the student body for pictures of, well, their bodies, a few days later.

‘What links these two unexpected and disturbing events?’, I hear you ask. Recent evidence has come to light proving that the floods of last Tuesday were in fact a case of ‘preemptive divine retribution’, an uncommon, but not unheard of, occurrence, where God schedules a case of divine punishment a few days earlier than planned. To be fair on Him, there is a lot happening at the moment — you could hardly expect Him to be perfect 24/6.

Indeed, before we even knew what the floods were punishment for, there were already rumours that they had a divine origin. To quote our esteemed editor and fervent churchgoer Henry Dyer (whilst on the critically acclaimed URY radio show The News Cruise on 16th October): ‘I believe the floods are a sign from God.’ It is well known that floods are the general heavenly response to events of extreme debauchery, and it therefore follows that last week’s natural disaster was no exception.

We can only hope (and pray) that the editorial team concerned has had their *ahem* VISION cleared by recent events and shall repent like the sinners they are.

Lucy Purkis Charters, issue 38, 2018.

Since the fall of Vision, a gap has opened up in the market for campus-based Vision-style tabloid gossip. Introducing: THE LEMON VINE Possible topics of discussion: - Alex Lusty: a group hallucination or 18 squirrels in a human costume?

Nouse, York Vision, and The Yorker Readership in Jeopardy as The Lemon Press’ Writers Go on Sabbatical As The Lemon Press writers’ room prepares to vacate York to hold their annual month long round robin tournament of Risk, (well it is the kind of thing we’d do) [Risk is a shit game. Dreadful. - Eds.], the ‘serious’ student papers find themselves wondering if anyone will actually read their articles solely for pleasure now, rather than in order to find new material to mock, (sorry, ‘satirise’).

One Nouse correspondent when reached for comment confidently affirmed, ‘Well, it’ll be a slow month, naturally, but of course there’ll be other readers; I always pretend to care about what my housemate does, he’s obliged to return the favour.’ His housemate, when asked for confirmation of this, gave me a rather puzzled look and retreated cautiously back into his bedroom, locking the door behind himself.

York Vision was much more alarmed. ‘Wait, you mean people

YUSU Unsure Whether or Not to Censor this Article

Seconds after this article was posted from The Lemon Press Writers’ Room to the YUSU Press Office to be perused, and checked, it became clear YUSU couldn’t tell if they should censor the article or not.

The office itself showed distaste for media censorship, but this article was mentioning ‘YUSU’ and ‘press censorship’ in the same paragraph, sometimes even the same sentence, multiple times.

YUSU in no way endorses press censorship, but by letting the article through they were allowing people to make the connection

The Lemon Vine

- Jon van Küç’s ever-growing child army - Who was caught tweaking their own nipples in P/X/001?

- Who is now the Most Award Student Newspaper™ on campus?

- Does YUSU have any officers left after the

... but FASHION WATCH will live on. I hope.

were actually reading this shit? Oh god, tell me the articles don’t show their authors’ names!’ That journalist was promptly relieved by my assurance that only The Lemon Press staff with writers’ block read them, and we don’t technically qualify as ‘people.’

Well, not according to the strictest legal definition anyway. I know I certainly don’t, at least. The most sensible response to this development came from the staff at The Yorker, who cheerfully declared, ‘We welcome the news.

With all these excess copies lying around, I’ll save a fortune on rolling papers, not to mention finally get around to finishing that private fort I’ve been using all the other issues to build.’ I agreed that this was a sagacious response to the development and was then promptly physically escorted from their property, after attempting to set fire to the soon-to-be unveiled Yorker Minster.

Giles Beattie, issue 34, 2018

between the two.

But, by censoring it, they would have committed the act they were trying to avoid in the first place.

I guess you’d have to be really brave to let this article pass through YUSU censors, proving that a certain York based student orientated union believes in freedom of the press. Especially if said articles make no explicit claims that ‘YUSU’ and ‘press censorship’ have any association beyond their proximity in this sentence.

Stephen Harper, issue 26, 2015

siege?

- Will there be more library doors? Will there?

Hey will there? Will there be? Hey? I’m funny give me validation oh fuck I smell toast.

Myles Dunnett, issue 31, 2017

Campus: Student Media

12

Charles Deane: An apiary Cieran Douglass: On a hard drive in Goodricke

Students Born in 2000 Arriving on Campus

Nightline. Maybe you’ve heard of it. But how much do you know about it? This sinister group operates in complete secrecy. All of its members are anonymous. Your own flatmate could be a part of it and you would never even know.

So what do we know about this so-called service? For one thing it promotes promiscuity, handing out sexual health supplies to all who ask for them. Secondly, it promotes poor nutrition and obesity by shoving unhealthy take-away menus down the throats of unsuspecting students.

Maybe we could all look the other way; after all, doesn’t Nightline only affect those who actively seek it out? But no, Nightline harms even those who want nothing to do with it. We talked to students who live near the ‘Nightline flat’, as the organisation calls its shadowy HQ, and found that they were harassed for condoms late at night by people who had stumbled to the wrong flat in a drunken horny mess.

Who is doing this to our University? We rang them and demanded answers, but they refused to co-operate. The call ended some thirty minutes later with a teary breakdown about exam stress. So be warned - if they can break us then they can break you too.

David Spriggs, issue 9, 2011 [Nightline is a serious confidential listening, information and sexual health supplies service, run by students for students, open from 8pm until 8am every night of the University of York term. Their number is 01904 323735 - Eds.]

Fuck off. Absolutely not. Crawl back inside your mother's womb, that's totally unacceptable, who gave you the right to be so old. Get off my lawn, too. Damn kids. Are you even old enough to drink? Go back to playing Fortnite and doing your GCSEs, or whatever it is you youth do.

Bloody hell. World's going to pot.

Henry Dyer (born 1997), issue 37, 2018

Universities to be Ranked by Word Count

A new scheme spearheaded by the geniuses at York Vision will rank universities on the brevity of student media articles about their rank, with extra points available for failing to provide all the necessary information.

Speaking todHenry Dyer, issue 26, 2015

York St John Overtake University of York in University Rankings In groundbreaking, albeit fictitious news, the contemptible York St John University has overtaken University of York in a highly-regarded rankings system. A spokesperson for the University of York noted: ‘This is unbelievable news, I never thought it would happen, and it hasn’t.’

Another said: ‘I don’t believe it, and that is because this story is not true’.

The ‘Real University Rankings 2012’ of the fictitious As-If newspaper, sold exclusively to insecure university students, has come as a shock to no one; the news largely being ignored by those at the University of York and largely anticipated by avid ‘readers’ of the publication.

Manraj Bahra, issue 12, 2012

Joseph Kony’s Guide to York Nightlife Feeling lost in town? Struggling to make the most of your nights out? The Lemon Press’s resident Ugandan guerrilla leader and fugitive from international justice, Joseph Kony takes you through the highlights of clubbing in York!

Who to go with?

The imperialist Western attitude holds that going out with your flatmates or course mates for the best night. HAHAHAHA! Counter these American lies by instead finding the closest 12-year-old and loading them up with shots. Child drinkers have soft, malleable minds and will unquestioningly follow you unlike their older, deader counterparts.

Where to go?

Far away from any law enforcement officers not under your payroll. It is essential that you are allowed to operate away from those pesky bouncers or UN observes. So probably the toilets of Mansion, where nothing suspicious ever happens.

How much to spend?

Everything, before people realise you’ve used funds meant for less important things, like text books, or hospitals.

What to eat after town?

The finest roast tiger, straight from Efe’s.

Alex Lusty, issue 26, 2015

13

Campus

No Columbian MP3s available, sorry!

Nathan Blades: Filming Marvel vampire hunter reboot (can't say which) Dave Hughes: Cycling away from his problems

End Western Xenophobia Against Ebola

In such a tumultuous era it is not hard to see we teeter on the edge of a precipice, but the doom we're faced with isn't what we were anticipating. The impassioned media furore regarding Ebola seeks to awaken an apocalyptic horseman from its slumber. A rider seeking to wreathe the world in decay and rot. But I want you to forget the biblical context. No longer should you consider the threat of the looming scythe of death, the bloodied blade of war, the unrelenting bite of famine, or the fetid tendrils of pestilence. In their stead, a much more dangerous lone rider seeks to dismantle our civilisation. Virus xenophobia.

At this very moment, Western media is chumming the sordid waters of public rhetoric with phrases such as ‘deadly virus’ and ‘epidemic’. So should we be surprised when the shark of governmental intervention seeks to launch a capricious assault against our microbial allies?

Despite how young the epidemic is, vicious attacks have already occurred; attempts at quarantine, medical research and even deference of risk patients to GPs have all been implemented to exterminate this poor disease, simply in need of a host. Perhaps the most dastardly aspect of these measures is that they seek to accomplish one thing: the complete annihilation of Ebola from the face of this Earth. What wicked people we are! Protecting

one life against the existence of hundreds of millions (which technically don’t satisfy any of the criteria to be considered) lives!

Humans should be grateful to be hosts for such a vibrant wealth of microbial activity, and yet you seek to discriminate against them because they cause ‘a death of unparalleled agony’. The shame of it!

Today, I wish to proselytise a new dawn for man. Let us no longer be shackled by germaphobic health regulations or the genocidal precepts of basic hygiene, all of which only seek to drive man and virus further apart. Follow me and abandon your sanitation resources: drink out of the sewage treatment plants to appreciate the water of life in its purest form.

Follow me, ye washed masses and we shall bring this world of cleanliness to its infuriatingly pristine knees. In fact, ignore what was written about Mr. Pestilence earlier, he isn't such a bad guy!

You should honestly meet him.

Plus Famine is always a right laugh! It’s only fair you have the two of them round since you already have their good friend War over. Don’t bother to invite Death, he’ll come once the other chaps are done. So let us be one. Let us live, love, laugh and cry together.

One thing I can assure you though: we will never, ever grow old together.

Ebola to Redeem Tabloid Journalists Today we bring to you a terrible discovery about the recent Ebola outbreak. By consulting a crack team of conspiracy researchers and examining the stories in such reputable publications as BuzzFeed and The Sun very carefully, we have come to two shocking conclusions: The ebola outbreak is ravaging the Western world, and BuzzFeed is trying to let you know.

Our suspicions were raised when we noticed that coverage of the infection in Africa was hugely impersonal, reducing ‘thousands’ of deaths to mere statistics, accompanied by pictures that were indistinguishable from any of the media’s photos labelled ‘anonymous, suffering African’. Many dismissed this as the media’s usual treatment of people who didn’t reach their mandatory white requirement, but our team of researchers saw the truth: there was no outbreak in Africa.

Articles like ‘top ten facts about ebola we TOTALLY didn’t spend five minutes googling’ were trying to let us know that research into the deadly virus was underway, and that it posed a risk to us all.

I ask of you, dear reader, to take up the torch of these brave men and women. Let us rise above the accusations of fear mongering and clickbaiting and show the world that, for once, tabloid journalists did something useful.

Morgan Barker‐Thorne, issue 22, 2014

Gabriel Bramley, issue 21, 2014

Poor Scientifically More Likely to Die A recent study carried out by York researches has revealed that being poor greatly increases the likelihood you will die. ‘For years we knew it sucked to be poor, but finally we can scientifically confirm that the poor are less likely to survive cancer.’ Despite having access to the same level of treatment, poor people are still more likely to die than their wealthy counterparts. These findings have baffled researchers as they struggle to come to terms with how poor people seem to be worse off than the rich. ‘It’s almost as if they can’t afford to take all the measures necessary to increase their chances of survival,’ said one researcher. Some members of the study question whether or not patients actually take their medicine, claiming that this could greatly increase the risk of death. This is just another groundbreaking study in an already illustrious career for the team of scientists. Some of their best known discoveries include: •People who go hunting with Dick Cheney are more likely to be shot •You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket.

•People who eat more food tend to weigh more.

•People who don’t wear gloves have colder hands.

•Students who don’t hand in essays do worse than their hard working counterparts.

Branden Lynn, issue 19, 2014

But lots of satire on thelemonpress.co.uk

News: Global Disease

14

J Cridford: Rhythm guitar in Reh Dogg tribute band Rosa Wright: Wrighting puns

Tsunami Hits Malaysia, No Britons Killed An earthquake measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale triggered a massive tsunami in Malaysia yesterday, badly damaging communications and other infrastructure. It was the most destructive tsunami in years, with some experts already describing the loss of no British lives as ‘almost miraculous’.

The effort to evacuate holiday makers has hit trouble though, due to an excessive number of bodies on the runway, and many tourists are extremely frustrated. A Berkshire woman, Ruth Burke, summed up the prevailing view on tour operators: ‘They’re terrible aren’t they? You can blame bodies on a runway, but at the end of the day I’m not getting the holiday I paid for. I wanted to go mini-putting this morning and I couldn’t because the family that runs it has been swept out to sea. It’s unacceptable.’

Greenpeace Detonate Thermonuclear Warheads over Poles to Show Dangers of Climate Change A searing blinding light envelops a single head and an idea for a new Greenpeace stunt is born. Why not show these morons what they’ll be missing when the Earth is uninhabitable? It’s simple accelerationism.

Amongst the radioactive remains, collective social responsibility will undoubtedly emerge. There are considerate, well-adjusted individuals out there just waiting for the descent into a post-apocalyptic hellscape before they start the journey of self-improvement. We can set them free!

Will Rowan, issue 36, 2018

Overall though, the mood was optimistic. There is a real sense of relief that, despite a terrible natural disaster, all the Britons in the country had survived. However, it was obviously not all good news, and it was today discovered that a Welsh man had been injured after tripping over a corpse during a photo opportunity. ‘Our thoughts are with the individual and his family’, said an embassy spokesperson.

David Spriggs, issue 6, 2011

Floridians Lose Keys

‘I was sure I left them there a second ago’ Gregory Waddell, issue 33, 2017

Greenpeace's first bomb test in Polynesia, 1985

Soylent Greens: Our Wonderful Environmental Future ﴾A Short Excerpt﴿ Although the Greens are determined to promote vegan and vegetarian diets, it is possible that with a population completely inexperienced in agriculture and left to grow food for themselves. The Lemon Press’s resident expert on agricultural affairs, Gramble Cabbageskin remarked that the ensuing agriculture environmental autarky might just end as ‘a bit shit’ and ‘about as well thought out as my first marriage’. With a large population, little food to go around and a rapidly increasing unemployed group of disgruntled voters, the Greens have vowed to provide alternative food sources. The food substance ‘Soylent tm’ has been proven to contain all the same proportion of nourishment as the average human body; the only pity is we will never be able to share it with our friends sent off to the farm collectives that grow whatever it is made of.

Callum Gearing, issue 23, 2015.

Clubbing a Seal in Seven Easy Steps Let me preface this article by stating, unequivocally, that clubbing a seal is a terrible, awful, callous thing to do. Right, now that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. Are you the sort of person that always has to do the opposite of what they’re told? The sort of person that thrives when they’re being rebellious? Does ‘no’ mean nothing to you, just like Brett Kav—[Absolutely not - Eds.] If so, then this is the guide for you. Again: seal-clubbing is bad, really bad.

But, sometimes, people do bad things. Follow these seven easy steps to successfully club a seal: 1. Find a club. Anything sturdy will do. This part isn’t hard.

2. Locate a seal, or seals. A little more tricky, this. Will probably require significant travel.

3. Approach the seal carefully, club in hand. Be quiet, or you may startle them, and that would be unkind.

4. Begin clubbing. Very intuitive stuff here.

5. Continue clubbing. As before.

6. Proceed until clubbing has become sufficient. This is entirely up to the clubber.

7. Leave, taking club with you. Don’t litter - think about the environment you animal. There we are. I hope that helps.

Myles Dunnett, issue 38, 2018

15

News: Global Warming

You can join the society too.

Tim Godfrey: Last seen in Willow Tom Kelsey: In a history doc on Yesterday

Hummus Society Axed Due to Links with International Terrorism The newly appointed Student Activities Officer has cut funding to one of the universities most popular societies, the Hummus Society. Chickpea fans were horrified by YUSU’s accusations that their society was a hotbed of international terrorism feeding information directly to the extremist government of Palestine.

Chris West, the YUSU officer responsible for societies, decided to remain anonymous for the purpose of this interview, but kindly offered an explanation into his decision. ‘Admittedly, there is a debate in international politics about whether Hummus is truly a terrorist organisation. However, I don’t feel this university can take any chances on where it stands in terms of the War on Terror’.

TLP pointed out to Chris West that YUSU seems to have confused Hamas, an offshoot of the Muslim Brotherhood, with Hummus, a popular vegetarian protein substitute. Chris West responded by giving TLP members discounted membership to the new Sports Village if we didn’t run with this article.

The University of York’s Amnesty International have started a campaign to lobby YUSU and get the Hummus Society its funding back. Tickets go on sale for Amnesty’s charity gig ‘Give Chick-Peace a Chance’ this week.

Tom Kelsey, issue 13, 2012

Chilcot Report Draft Leaked The Lemon Press today announces the exclusive publication of the Chilcot Inquiry's final draft, sent to us by an anonymous insider known only as ‘The Truth’. Amongst the findings of the Inquiry, announced in 2009 and due for official publication in June or July of 2016, are the following: •The Iraq War never actually happened.

•Tony Blair never did anything wrong, nor did he mislead anyone.

•Jeremy Corbyn is entirely to blame for the rise of IS out of the vacuum of the solid peace that has been kept in Iraq.

•Abu Ghraib is a pleasant holidaying resort near Baghdad.

•Saddam Hussein remains in power.

•David Kelly killed himself, and there are no questions at all about that, thank you very much.

Henry Dyer, issue 26, 2015

Imminent Terrorist Threat on York!

Vision recently provided a telling exposé of the University’s apparent lack of contingency plans in the case of emergencies befalling York, such as terrorist attacks. Following TLP’s own Freedom of Information request, we can exclusively report that the University have no plans for the following disasters: •Shark infiltration in the lake •Return of the Lancastrian House •The bubonic plague •The Mongol Horde •Tuberculosis •Waterfowl overcrowding •Acid rain •Gorbachev changing his mind about perestroika and glasnost •Resurrection of Gaddafi •Student journalism becomes accurate, balanced, and well-reasoned •Constantine College Tom Murray, issue 19, 2014

Jamie Vardy Wakes up Amongst Empty Bottles and Defeated ISIS Fighters In what the Mirror have called ‘a bloody good night’, the Express ‘your standard Friday with Vardy’, and the Telegraph inexplicably somehow still linked to England's defieciency with spin bowling, Jamie Vardy's lastest night out took him to the outskirts of Raqqa.

Issue 4, 2010.

He appears to have done the customary shirt swap common to footballers, being bedecked in black, with one of the bruised fighters in a vomit-covered England shirt. The altercation appeared to have started when, despire Raqqa being an entirely dry city under the harsh islamist rule of ISIS, Jamie Vardy still managed to order the so-called alcoholic drink WKD. Stephen Harper, issue 29, 2016

Terrorists to Be Renamed Botherists Following Spate of ‘Minor Inconvenience’ Attacks

In the wake of a handful of Brits having to call their bosses to let them know they'll have to take the afternoon off due to a minor A&E visit, the term ‘terrorist’ is to be officially retired from the English language. Instead would-be jihadis are now to be named ‘Botherists’.

The Home Office has also disbanded the Prevent programme. This follows calculations that in order to effectively police the Botherist threat, their budget would need to be increased by an order of magnitude to allow for the tracking and arrests of manspreaders, people who send back food to the kitchen for minor cosmetic reasons, large groups who don't order drinks in rounds, and drivers who think they are clever and try and fail to pull out of their lane in traffic jams.

ISIS responded for comment, saying: ‘We are deeply upset that our fighters have been belittled in this way. If we cannot cause minor injury and inconvenience by driving cars around fecklessly we will have no choice but to willfully retain our keys in our pockets before going through airport security.’

Pasky Miranda, issue 37, 2018

Just £5 or 1 BTC, whichever is higher.

News: Global Terror

16

Oscar Burton Xi: Eleventh ruler of the Derwent dynasty Elliott Gresswell: Indian llama sanctuary

Britain at Serious Risk of Being Placed in Euro‐ Friendzone Political analysts have recently criticised Britain’s insular approach to European politics as not being entirely conducive to a flourishing diplomatic relationship. In their condemning indictment of Britain’s timidity towards Europe, they went Issue 15, 2013 on to state that Britain had an irritating infatuation with the continent yet absconded from any attempts to court the land mass. British ambassadors claimed the withholding of diplomatic relations was in line with the infamous ‘Keep ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ tactic, in tandem with a hard-line policy on chivalry and nervous looks at the floor whenever eye contact was made.

Such behaviour is taken to extremes by UKIP politicians, who believe in that the once honed art of ‘negging’ will win the affections of Europe.

They wish to further advance their strategy by emulating the activity of other jerk nations such as America, Australia, and Chad by calling Europe a ‘slut’.

How Do We Utilise the Loose Skin of Nigel Farage When He’s Gone?

Have you ever noticed how Nigel Farage’s eyelids look like they could be ironed out to make enough leather for a satchel? Not a small satchel mind you, a decent-sized one, for books, maybe even big enough to hold a laptop. There’s a lot of excess there is all I’m trying to say.

Of course, the jowls in particular harbour a lot of potential with regards to craft. Once tanned, could there even be enough to fashion a small yet sturdy shield? This reporter thinks so. Look, we’re in a recession, we can’t let that much skin go to waste. It would just be criminal. There’s more leather to be had from Farage’s jowls alone than four, perhaps five cows could provide. We could make commemorative 2015 election wallets for everyone who voted. But what would we do with the leftovers? We could produce enough leather jackets to clothe the entire Tory backbenches. But why do we they deserve them? We could produce belts. But: heroin use would spike.

It only seems fair that we should create a leather bound bible for every non-immigrant child in England. It’s what Nige would have wanted.

Ben Walker, issue 25, 2015

However, relations are said to be stagnating and even now senior European members are referring to the UK as a ‘nice guy’ and ‘a close friend’. The foreign office has come to an absolute standstill and fear that this may be an inescapable fate. One spokesperson said: ‘I don’t understand! One day we’re nice to Europe, then next day we call them a dirty philanderer. I can’t see how this message is in anyway mixed.’ They went on to say, ‘I mean come on! We’re a classy nation, any federal conglomerate of nations would be lucky to have a state like me. They’d have to be crazy not to take us! WE HAD AN EMPIRE! WE INVENTED THE FEDORA!’ At this point, the representative broke down sobbing on the floor, clutching a picture of Angela Merkel and screaming ‘THE SUN WILL NEVER SET! THE SUN WILL NEVER SET!’ As it stands, relations showing no sign of improvement and it is believed that Merkel will escalate the situation to the point of no return by referring to Cameron as being ‘like a brother to her’. This will be followed by a period of national sulking, wondering why federations always go for the jerk superpowers like China followed by nauseatingly pusillanimous poetry and a national My Little Pony marathon.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 23, 2015

Henry Dyer, issue 31, 2017

All the Things Over 50% of Leave Voters Want Changed after Brexit In the wake of the news that over 50% of Leave voters would support the reintroduction of the death penalty in the UK, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal the definitive list of all the things over 50% of Leave voters think the British government should do after Brexit: • Legalise unrestricted submarine warfare • Mandatory Turkey Twizzler school dinners • Army uniforms to be red again • Those old ‘the lady loves Milk Tray’ adverts airing on a loop on their own dedicated channel • Something about ‘our NHS’, whilst not increasing funding for it, nor allowing it to be reformed in any way • Scratch cards • Rename the country ‘IS for White People’ • A cure for death because they're all so fucking old Tom Davies, issue 32, 2017

17

News & Politics: Brexit

Taghreed Ayaz & Sid Leigh, issue 33, 2017

I've written so many of this damn things.

Jack Stanley: Production crew of Timber Kings Tom Keefe: Senior engineer for up­and­coming Bond villain

Governmental Advice on ‘Acceptable’ Protests Following the Prime Minister’s quizzical assertion that the recent student protests were ‘unacceptable’ and bearing in mind the fundamental liberal principal that no protest should be considered unacceptable, the Government has, upon request, very kindly provided some guidelines for protesting.

1. All MPs agreed that ‘acceptable’ ammunition includes dauphinoise potatoes, French beans, venison steak (medium-rare) and of course a sealed container of red wine jus. Politicians are overworked fellows who are too tired to order anything for themselves beyond a glass of cognac.

2. The Department of Health and Public Safety notes that it is completely unacceptable, and extremely detrimental to public welfare, for specially designed fire safety equipment (read: fire-extinguishers) to be used in arbitrary fashion by untrained personnel. It is particularly aggrieving that such well-intentioned protective equipment, that has been through numerous levels of bureaucratic testing, was brandished as if a product of the arms trade, an industry which goes against everything health and safety stands for.

3. The Treasury would consider as acceptable a protest that took into account global inflation and the budget constraints imposed by the current economic crisis, as well as the consistent devaluation of the Yuan. After all, some of the protestors are economics students, aren’t they?

4. The Department of Trade and Industry was concerned that some of the sticks being brandished at the demo looked like they were imported from the continent. In such tight economic conditions, protecting the UK timber industry is an absolute paramount.

5. The Equalities Office possesses an untold requirement that all protests must be tolerant of multicultural differences. In their opinion, the recent protests ignored the differences in culture between the House of the Commons and the general public. The spokeswoman for the Office told The Lemon Press, ‘Britain is a nation of minorities: we are made up of Muslims, Women, Gays, Nudists and Parliament; we must all learn to get along properly or else we won’t survive.’

6. The Ministry of Defence had no particular requirements, but would have preferred if the demonstrators had rented tanks and other equipment to demonstrate to Argentina the might of British citizens.

Clement Wee, issue 5, 2010

'Who the Fuck are you Calling Violent and Disorderly?', Says Far‐Left Student Activist Brandishing Broken Bottle In the wake of another free education demonstration turning into an excuse for umpteen gangs of Trotskyite and anarchist bottom feeders to throw bricks at coppers, student leaders have continued to deny there is anything intrinsically violent about the hard left.

‘Look mate a few bad apples spoil the bunch and there’s literally nothing we can do about it. What are we supposed to do? NOT march? Would you ask a Jew to eat pork? Would you force a monk into an orgy? Say that we’re all thugs again and I’ll cut your fucking crypto-fascist ears off.’

Polling suggests that those on the left are dramatically more likely to stop being friends with someone because of their political beliefs, and far more willing to describe their opposition as evil. But the Tory scum kill poor people, so whatever.

YUSU president Ben Leatham also attended the march, and although unavailable for comment, was reportedly last seen attempting to headbutt a police horse.

Tom Davies, issue 27, 2016

Do you even read these?

Pro‐Police Brutality March Ends in Bloodbath

Friendly Rave at Millbank Ruined by Sting Tribute Gang

A demonstration in support of the police’s right to hit protestors, regardless of the situation, was yesterday brutally broken up by riot police. Speaking to reporters, one visibly injured demonstrator said ‘we were just chanting our slogans and waving our banners when a line of police officers charged the crowd and beat us around the heads with batons. It was brilliant.’

A student rave inside Tory HQ in London has been broken up by a heavily armed gang called The Police, who used violence and weapons to end the merry-making and high-jinks of jaunty student types. Famed for gang colours of fluorescent yellow and decidedly breast-shaped hats, the highly militant group, also known as ‘The Met’ or ‘Scotland Yard Massive’, used unnecessary force to control peaceful ravers inside the building. The student rave coincided with the work of a few postmodern, avant-garde architects, who were radically redesigning the premises using fists, feet and the occasional missile. Baroness Warsi was also at the scene, but had to leave early due to one tune that was, allegedly ‘A phatass beat that blew dem mandems mind’ and the fact that she couldn’t ‘take the heat of the jungle, baby’.

Witnesses recounted how a giant sign reading ‘Support Our Cops’ was used to smash a group of wheelchair-bound people to the floor, and how panicked police fired tear gas into a particularly rabid group of pro-kettling activists. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police defended their actions in a press conference, saying, ‘In high pressure situations police need to maintain order, and they can’t always know which part of the crowd is going to turn violent’.

‘Too right’, cried a pro-brutality activist in the audience, prompting the spokesman to fly off her podium and start kicking the helpless campaigner while his fellow protestors looked on and cheered.

However, it was not all good news.

One, un-handcuffed, woman was seen being walked gently to a police van screaming, ‘I could have been carrying a gun! You should have used lethal force!

Lethal force!!’

Issue 7, 2011

This is not the first time this highly organised gang of nationwide membership has ruined otherwise bantastic events, and their insistence on ‘laying down the law’ is feared throughout the U.K. The so called ‘Commissioner’, leader of the Police, had this to say ‘BROKEN QUOTE BROKEN QUOTE BROKEN QUOTE BROKEN QUOTE’.

Rumours that Nick Clegg will DJ the next student rave have not gone down well.

Oscar Diamond, issue 5, 2010

‘Not in My Name’ Protester Finds All Conflict Done in Her Name She'd already been to more protests than she could count. This was just another day on the street, placard in hand, railing against the militaryindustrial complex. If she could tie herself to the bombs dropping over Yemen, she would have already done so.

Someone had brought two tins of beans and was making the most marvellous din. 'Stop the war! Fight the... power!’ Over and over and over. Beans, war, power. Beans, beans, beans. War, war, war. Power, power... It suddenly struck Power, age 23; all these mindless wars were enacted in her name—and she was quite powerless in stopping them.

Will Rowan, issue 37, 2018

News & Politics: Activism & Protests

18

Tom Taylor: Travelling keyboard salesman Tom Davies: Buying a fuckload of tweed

Labour Party Says, ‘Relaaax!’

With the Tory-led coalition heading towards its second year in power, one must remember the frenetic pace at which it has attempted to bring reform. Every week has brought us a new policy announcement or statement from the PM’s vision for ‘a radical program for a new government’. Given this pace of change it’s no surprise that the Leader of the Opposition, That Miliband Guy, advocates a more relaxed approach.

‘Since the Tories are doing so much’, he drawled, ‘I thought we would even it up by doing nothing. I mean, only so much politics can be happening at once, right? No point confusing people. You might ask me, “Dave, can you really just stand idly by and do nothing while the Tories wreck up the place?” and I would have to say, basically, yes. Though I’d probably rather sit than stand. Maybe pop up every now and then to deliver an epic burn on Cameron. We ran the country for thirteen whole years. That’s not easy, you know. Countries are big.’ This stratagem has been met with approval from Labour ministers; after all, the Lib Dems were virtually invisible until shortly before the previous election so no need to try all the time.

The Lemon Press will keep you up to date on the Labour Party’s lack of developments as they continue to not happen.

Jamie Gallimore, issue 6, 2011

Labour Party to Address Widening Poll Inequality Following a devastating month for the Prime Minister, the Labour Party have decided to tackle the increasing disparity between them and the Conservatives by cocking up literally everything. Extending Corbyn’s ‘Kinder Politics’ brand beyond petty so-called ‘basic political sense’, the party have unanimously decided to shit the bed over even basic PR moves, ignorer to allow the Conservatives to catch up in polls.

‘We are a party that believes no one should be left behind’, says someone who claims to have read the first 4 pages of Das Kapital. ‘Quite frankly, the Tories have had a rough time these last few months, and what kind of caring party would we be if we didn’t help the beleaguered? Therefore, the Labour Party has launched a campaign where MPs sit in silence and glare at the Star of David for a solid hour on Newsnight, purposefully rate down Seth Rogen films on IMDB, and also give out ISIS branded party cars, for a limited time only.’

It has been claimed this will be all that is necessary to close the open goal the Tories have presented, finally ending the brief period where Labour found themselves accidentally winning.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 28, 2016

Jeremy Hunt Slams God for Working Six Day Week

Lib Dems Reaffirm Party Position With Labour occupying centre-left and the Conservatives making determined strides to occupy centre-right, Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been forced to reinstate his own party’s position.

‘Lib Dems will be firmly centre of centre,’ said Clegg in a recent news conference. ‘Absolute dead in the middle. Central. Exactly midway.’ This new centre-centre position has allowed the Liberal Democrats to release this party pledge. ‘We guarantee never to make a wrong decision. We will never be drawn either way on any issue. In fact we will do nothing at all.’

Issue 2, 2010

Citrus Revolution

The Times reports that Mandarins are in the middle of a ‘revolt’ against Theresa May. Number 10 hopes that the Satsumas and Clementines don't follow suit, else there may be a full scale citrus revolution. The Lemon Press lies in wait.

Myles Dunnett, issue 31, 2017

Naked George Osborne Riding a Pig Through Newmarket Called ‘Insensitive’ The Chancellor of the Exchequer has been reprimanded by the House of Commons for behaviour which was seen as ‘insensitive’ to normal people.

The Speaker of the House told our reporter: ‘One can respect his right to express his unfathomable happiness in his position of wealth, power and privilege, but it’s a bit hard on everyone else to see him is such high spirits.’

Mr Osborne was reprimanded after riding naked on a giant pig through Newmarket on Thursday, laughing and throwing his excrement at pedestrians, in an event which Newsnight’s Jeremy Paxman has labelled ‘surreal and intense’.

The Secretary of State for Health has come under fire for suggesting that God is: 'lazy', 'not good enough for twenty-first century Britain’, and ‘unfit to deliver highquality care for people'. Speaking with a King James Version of the Bible in hand, Hunt argued that the 'cruel negligence by God' in choosing to rest on the seventh day was 'blatantly inadequate'.

Hunt has called for further reform to the deity, describing him as 'unnecessarily omnipresent' and saying there was a clear requirement for 'decentralisation away from the bloated Trinity towards such upstanding moral individuals as myself' in order to deal with the supposed ongoing crisis.

When asked for comment, a representative for the BMA simply laughed, whilst the spokesperson for the Department of Health simply swore under his breath and said 'Christ, not again.'

Henry Dyer, issue 29, 2016

David Cameron, leader of the Conservatives, has announced to his party that henceforth all jubilant naked pig riding was only to be done in the massive Naked Tory Pig-Riding Arena in Hampstead, a venue which he pointed out had already been designated for this purpose. ‘Times are hard enough for normal people at the moment without them cottoning on to how massively lucky we all are,’ the Prime Minister observed, before tooting a bugle and setting fire to an insolent French waiter.

Edward Greenwood, issue 8, 2011 [Yes, well before Piggate, proving the slightly dubious accuracy of TLP's skills in prescience – Eds.]

19

News & Politics: Westminster

If you do, email lemonpress@yusu.org.

Sophie Gadd: Mega Bloks Land Windsor Nam Shatil: Sloshing around inside a beaker

U.S. Police Shooting ‘Not an Issue’ The recent shooting of an unarmed black man by a white police officer has sparked protests from the public against endemic racism in the U.S. policy force. However, some critics have argued that the media is sensationalising the story and that there is not a prevalent ‘race issue’ in U.S. society.

The shooting occurred in a crowded area. Johnny Everyman, an unarmed black man was shot by officer Whitey White, a white police officer.

Investigations also uncovered White’s leadership of Klu Klux Klan, the fact Everyman was not committing a crime and was buying ice cream for a group of whimsical, singing cockney orphan children. Additionally, they have taken into account that White shot Everyman over four hundred times with a high powered assault rifle and that White proceeded to conduct several interviews claiming he shot Everyman ‘purely because he was black. Black people are bad and I am acting in this way due to the systematic racism present in American society.’

‘I find it hard to believe that White was acting in this way because of so called systematic racism present in American society,’ said conservative radio pundit Rush ‘To Judgement’ Limbo, continuing with ‘I think it’s because this Everyman was asking for trouble. Ice cream is harmful to children’s health; White was acting as any American would.’

‘The only race issue here,’ says Foxy News’s panelist Bill O’Really, ‘is the race Obama is losing to convince America is under attack by racists. i tell ya [sic], these black people have a chip on their shoulder. It’s not racist to say black people aren’t as good as white people, but Obama would have you believe it is. He’s the real racist.’

Gregory Waddell, issue 24, 2015

Things That Guns Would Have Stopped, According to the Internal, Disjointed Monologue of Ben Carson Old Yeller and Lennie could have defended themselves. Lennie wouldn’t have had to submit to the tyrannical rule of the despotic George. Plus, Curley’s wife shouldn’t have led him on. Bobby Kennedy wouldn’t be dead. Sure, his bodyguards had guns, but if he had one, and all the other people would have tackled Sirhan Sirhan because he was foreign and I don’t know. Plus World War 2. If the Polish had a military, then Germany would never have invaded. In fact, if the Jews were armed, the Nazis would have been like, ‘Oh, hey, I know a central part of our philosophy is predicated on the fact that your eradication is necessary to the future of a pure Aryan race, but hey you’re armed, so I guess we’ll pack it in.’

Simple. the Cuban Missile Crisis. If America had a gun, the Russians would have backed off. Like, why even try. The 2016 Republican Primaries. If I has a gun, and Trump had a gun, then we’ve got a show.

Gregory Waddell, issue 26, 2015

Recently uncovered short ‘Wallace and Gromit: the Saigon Trousers’ sparks controversy.

‘I love the smell of cheese in the morning, Gromit.’

Juicy School Shooting! Right In The Face!

Cor blimey! Yet another school shooting happened yesterday in an undisclosed location! Juicy stuff!

BANG BANG BANG! Patchy reports are flooding onto the internet and getting five stars and loads of comments. Rumours of lots of gunshots right in the face with real guns and real faces.

Massive explosions and stuff A spokesman for the police said today, ‘Please do not get excited! It isn't as much of a mash up as the hype would have you believe.’ However, most journalists don't believe this and suggest it might actually have been actually mentally awesome and wicked crazy!

Issue 2, 2010

Maybe one of these was used in the shooting!

Carson’s ‘guns for bigger guns’ safety campaign has been a huge success Issue 5, 2010.

Say hello!

News & Politics: US History

20

Pasky Miranda: Definitely not tied up in our basement Alex Bassick: Mr Muscle party entertainer

Britain’s Leading Politicians Lambast Decision to Host G20 Meeting Atop A Summit

Malaysian Aircraft Shot Down by Magic Self‐ Assembling Missile

The decision to host the latest G20 meeting in the French Alps has been met with consternation by the British delegation. The source of discontent was not the arduous trip or the impracticality of the location, but the complete lack of transport provided for certain delegates. ‘At Cannes, we were greeted by one nervous aide who gave us some warm clothes and climbing equipment and left us to it. Do I look like a mountaineering enthusiast to you?!’, spat Mervyn King.

In a recent escalation of the Ukrainian conflict, a commercial airliner was brought down by a missile of unknown origin. Details remain scant on the issue, but it has been confirmed that 23 US CITIZENS were aboard (unofficial sources claim some foreigners were there too).

The British three-man contingency, despite a lack of climbing experience, ascended to the top in a record-breaking six hours. Talking to baffled journalists at the Chalét de Triomphe, a breathless George Osborne said: ‘We’d like to take the opportunity to thank Paddy McGuinness for his banterous support at vital intervals when all seemed lost.’ David Cameron simply growled at the media en route to confronting Mr Sarkosy in his office, no doubt demanding answers for the ‘down-right shoddily poor’ treatment of Britain’s top ministers.

The French government hastily released a statement citing ‘austering measures in the face of economic crises’, despite pictures of world leaders being flown to the summit in Aérospatiale helicopters surfacing in the press.

Issue 10, 2011

A Small Disagreement Followed by a Significantly Larger War

Scenario 1: Donald Tremp (no relation) and Vladimir Poutine (chips and gravy) are enjoying a conversation over the telephone. President Tremp overhears President Poutine yawn, which he assumes is an act of rudeness. After Tremp voices his concerns, the two men end the conversation amicably.

Shortly thereafter, Mr Tremp discovers there is not enough bologna in his sandwich. In response, the President nukes the hell out of Iran and Mexico.

Scenario 5: British Prime Minister, Mother Theresa (May we forget) is discussing the geopolitical situation in Uganda with her husband, the First Lady. Her husband makes a sexual advance, which Theresa rebuffs. Shortly thereafter, Theresa changes her mind, and attempts to seduce her partner. Following a refusal, the jilted spouse, ‘X’, decides that the best response is to strafe every city in Ireland.

Scenario 67.3: Kim Jong-Il (lest he get better) has died some years previously, and leaves the country to his son, who is fat. The son enjoys his 30th birthday, but is disappointed with a gift he has received. In response to a monogrammed pair of socks, he attempts to nuke the hell out of America, but only manages to nuke the hell out of Pyongyang. In response, President Tremp nukes the hell out of Iran and Mexico.

Scenario A1000: It is the G8 meeting. President Tremp is talking to a German lady who he thinks is a cleaner. He asks her to hold his jacket for him. She informs him that she is in fact the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Jackal. British Foreign Secretary Boris Yeltsin attempts to diffuse the tension by making a racial joke. This offends the Premier of Japan. The Canadian Premier attempts to calm the growing fracas by making soothing gestures, but Tremp crushes his hand. A fight soon breaks out, and the brawl spreads into the streets, soon engulfing the city. After a good long war, the world leaders finally go home. Then, they all nuke the hell out of Russia.

Myles Dunnett, issue 32, 2017

21

Surprisingly, even though it has been asserted that sophisticated military equipment was utilised in the incident, the only two belligerent groups in the region deny responsibility. As both Russia and the Ukraine have unimpeachable reputations on the world stage, we can only assume that the two nations are telling the absolute truth. However, this leaves a large vacuum for speculation. Of course, it is inconceivable that the only two active military forces with access to surface to air missiles could commit such an action, so this leaves only one feasible explanation. By quite possibly the greatest feat of entropy ever conceived, metal encased in the earth moulded itself into a cylinder, somehow attaining the correct metallurgical composition to craft high-grade military steel.

Then, refined fuel erupted from a geyser into the cylinder, which subsequently ignited and by some infinitesimally small chance, intercepted the flight before exploding on impact.

Scientists across the globe have been sent into a flurry of activity, all attempting to rationalise this extraordinary phenomenon. Recent figures suggest it is several magnitudes more likely to: play 10 royal flushes in a row, win the lottery forty times in a lifetime, convince the world that as a pair of former Soviet nations with a penchant for scandalous military atrocities and no other military presence, neither of you are implicated in a heinous war crime. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some poker winnings to collect and 30 yachts to order.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 21, 2014

Africa Considers Indecent Assault Charge The continent of Africa is pressing charges against NATO following an incident last month where the organisation carried out pre-meditated indecent assault on the continent, causing long lasting distress and internal upheaval.

‘The attack has left me feeling quite ill,’ Africa told The Lemon Press, ‘I was gently drifting as I usually do when suddenly I felt someone beginning to invade my personal space. Before I knew it they were fiddling around in my, you know, my... Libya’.

NATO has denied all claims that this was pre-meditated assault, despite video evidence of NATO claiming they were going to get Africa ‘right in the Gaddafi’. ‘Besides’, NATO’s lawyer informed us, ‘it was hardly nonconsensual. We started it but Africa finished the job by itself.’ After the attack Africa said that ‘I’m going through a lot of changes now. I don’t know what will happen after this interim’.

Pasky Miranda, issue 10, 2011

Australian Minister Mocks Depp Couple Australian agriculture minister Barnaby Joyce has reacted with scorn following a video apology by Johnny Depp and his partner Amber Heard, which went viral. The apology was given after the pair admitted smuggling their two dogs into the country, known for its strict laws on admitting animals. Mr Joyce described it as a ‘bad audition tape for The Godfather’, and went onto say that ‘he certainly isn’t going to win the Academy Award with that’. It later emerged that he hadn’t watched the relevant dog apology, but rather a DVD copy of Transcendence that his friend had loaned him.

Gregory Waddell, issue 28, 2016

News & Politics: International Affairs

Still looking for my cookie stalker.

Eleanor Mason: With Charles in the apiary Billy Blake: Writing ballads

Copper Theft Linked to Low Policing Numbers, Exclusive Finding Shows A six minute investigation by The Daily Barrel Scrape has found that the epidemic of copper theft is directly related to the low numbers of police officers in the United Kingdom. The two copper crises, which previously had not been linked by any other organisations, have finally been put together, and revealed to be one and the same. The Lemon Press has found that an estimated 700 yards of Police Community Support Officers are stolen from the sides of streets every hour across the country, causing serious damage to the UK's patrolling infrastructure.

Kidnapping of other ranks of officers is also apparent — there have been unconfirmed reports of Chief Constables being dragged off the streets — but PCSOs are particularly preyed upon, being seen as weaker targets.

Initial findings suggest that the abducted individuals are sold on the black market for upwards of £120 per bobby. Demand for 'scrap coppers' (as they're known on the market) has skyrocketed in recent years owing to its widespread use in consumer goods, and the trades are frequently made with cash, making the criminals harder to track down.

It is thought that the true scale of this criminal behaviour had not been revealed owing to the withdrawal of copper cables from the streets, instead being redeployed to carry out office work, which has been met with the criticism of expecting inanimate metal wire to do complex paperwork. A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police was asked to comment, but at time of publication he was seen being chucked into the back of a Ford Transit by a couple of burly chaps, and the replacement sent was a coil of copper.

Henry Dyer, issue 32, 2017

Greece Steals UK’s Copper Wiring

MP Who Claimed Peerage on Expenses, Exposed in GAY SEX ORGY!

There are extensive power outages across the UK after Greece struck overnight and removed Britain’s copper wiring. The Greeks were able to gain access to the country after a window was left open in Dover last evening. The raid, estimated at £8.9 billion, is the latest in a series of desperate acts carried out by the debt-ridden Greeks and follows hot on the heels of the pyramid scheme they set up, so-called because they stole the Pyramids and sold them back to Egypt.

Many media outlets were left speechless yesterday when it emerged that MP Roger Johnson paid for a peerage, put it on his expenses, and drove his SUV to a dingy motel where he proceeded to engage in a gay sex orgy with three rent boys, two of whom were illegal immigrants, leaving his wife, a war veteran, to look after their heavily disabled son.

Issue 2, 2010

However, Stavros Lambrinidis, the Greek minister for foreign affairs, denied that his country had anything to do with the theft of Britain’s copper. Speaking from his new solid-copper foreign ministry he said, ‘Just because we are poor doesn’t mean we are thieves’, before adding, ‘now if you aren’t going to buy any copper I suggest you leave’.

David Spriggs, issue 9, 2011

Would Anyone like a Free Bike and to Also Kill My Dying Infant Son? Does anyone want to come over and take this spare bike, and while you're here, take the last breath from my dying son Peter?

I've had this bike lying around for weeks, and my son considerably longer. He's late-stage and hasn't cleaned the dishes for weeks. At first I wanted to ease his pain, now I just want to turn his room into the world's first waterless aquarium. I must emphasise that this ad is for both, not one or the other. I don't want anyone to come to my house and euthanise my son without taking the racing bike. It’s really taking up a lot of space in my hallway.

Condition: Small, fairly worn down from years of neglect. The bike is brand new, kid's size. I don't expect it is going to be used.

Harry Jinks, issue 33, 2017

Never found them on Facebook. Find us!

We Now Read from the Book of Harwood 1 It was on the eighth day that Harwood Thomas, THE SAVIOUR (for it is he), who was begat of knee jerk reactionary thought, gathered his disciples and entered the NUS. 2 There HARWOOD (may his shirt collar be ever splayed) looked at the temple and saw it ideologically impure. And so he overturned the tables and made a whip of tepid right wing views and cleared out the Bolsheviks.

3 And so the Bolsheviks said unto our LORD 'If you hate the temple so much, why don't you go and do something else?', and in his wisdom, HARWOOD (a thousand blessings on his ever angular jawline) answered thus, 'I

came here not to whole of the law, but of shit'. His disciples awe, and there rejoicing.

change the to stir a load were ever in was much

4 But soon the joy went, as HARWOOD (a million proclamations on his set square haircut) made a dark prediction, 'For I tell you, before the cockerel has crowed thrice, a thousand people will have denied me'. And so it came to pass, as OUR LORD Harwood appeared on THIS MORNING (for it is he who made this and every other morning), a thousand people said as such 'who's that berk in the suit talking about bollocks no one cares about?'. And there was much wailing and changing of channels.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 32, 2017

Minister of Tautology Proclaims Announcement The government had a surprising shock today when the Minister of Tautology announced that it would no longer be policing Britain’s media to inhibit and prevent tautological crises.

A 9a.m. this morning, a spokesperson said: ‘It is a significant milestone to lower the national rate of tautology to half what it was when before it was double. However, in this day and age we must move on to new innovations, one after another in succession. Now, personally in my opinion I think this is the only way the country can advance forward.’

Naturally, the announcement has created a very angry uproar, particularly at local council level where tautology is relied upon to fill word count quotas on reports and legislation. Disapproving protests have already been organised for the first Monday of next week.

In addition, the tautology spokesman added ‘We don’t see why this would be a problem, since the majority of perceived tautology nowadays is merely only pleonasm.’ However, this has been ignored by the majority of the British public, who dismiss pleonasm as an unnecessarily pretentious addition to a spoof article which was starting to lose its charm a few paragraphs earlier. After all, that’s just another side of a round circle. Ahem…

Arthur Pitt, issue 4, 2010

News & Politics

22

Alex Lusty: Sex addiction rehab Callum Sharp: Five­to­ten stretch

L to R, Issue No.: 3, 3, 5, 1, 5, 6, 22, 1, 3, 5, 5.

23

Sexy Centerfold

Now this... this is a nice centerfold.

Greg Waddell: Stalking by the lake Alex Campbell: Why, who’s asking?

L to R, Issue No.: 12, 12, 2, 5, 11, 9.

Breathe it in, the scent of satire.

Sexy Centerfold

24

Henry Dyer: Clinging on to power Myles Dunnett: Clinging on to sanity Blessed are the piecemakers...

Holly Palmer, issue 37, 2018

Questions Raised over Viability of Nativity in Modern‐Day Israel The nativity as we know it took place around 2010 years ago. The world back then was a very different place, especially the Middle East. With no such things as Christianity or Islam, the region was at complete and utter peace... wait, no, that’s not right... Anyway, God might want to think about postponing the second coming of Jesus, at least for a few more years... Here’s why.

Mary and Joseph would be stopped from travelling past the newlyconstructed partition wall into West Bank administrated Bethlehem. The ‘star’ followed by the wise men would more likely be a mortar. There would be no shepherds to watch the birth of Christ, as they would have been arrested several weeks previously for throwing stones at an Israeli patrol. The wise men would undoubtedly have their gifts confiscated by warlords somewhere on their way through Western Asia. Wisdom is no match for an AK47... The heavenly chorus descending from on high would be shot down by the Israeli Air Force.

There still wouldn’t be any room at the inn, but only because the inn and its stable have been bulldozed to make way for a new Israeli settlement.

Issue 5, 2010

Issue 11, 2012

Archbishop of Canterbury Doubts Existence of Alcuin College Archbishop Justin Welby has been heard stating that he doubts the existence of Alcuin College and its student inhabitants, ‘There are moments when I look over York and think. Is Alcuin there?’ These statements, made whilst on a tour of the North, have sparked controversy within the Church of England and the University of York.

Uopn hearing this news, resident Lemon Press writer and proud exAlcuin resident Alex Lusty was interviewed over a can of Stella outside Willow: ‘I'm sure there were people in Alcuin alongside me, they just kept to themselves and were practically invisible even when in large numbers. My only friends were my two favourite rabbits that lived near my room, Nigel and Nigel.’

Issue 12, 2012. Offer still valid.

25

Religion

When questioned later, the Archbishop was found to actually be talking about Saint Alcuin of York of the 8th Century, and with some quiet tutting from the three people actually listening, he faded back into obscurity.

Callum Gearing, issue 21, 2014

I've met ‘Big John’ Sentamu a few times.

Gabriel Bramley: The fiery depths of Hell Callum Gearing: Also in Halifax

Pirates are to blame. Not those Somali types, though they do get up to a bit of mischief here and there. No, I'm talking about the buccaneers of old. Those mightymen and women disguised as men who sailed the seven sears during the golden age of piracy. Those salty dogs who broke hearts in every port and drank the Caribbean dry.

Although it may be a hulking airborne killing machine, which may frighten some, I am happy to support Cantor's Death Blimp. I believe it will serve as a valuable deterrent against Mongols, ogres, pirates and other such rampaging marauders that could potentially attack the University of York at any moment.

Just imagine it: climbing up the rigging half-cut with a sea breese whipping your cheeks. Not a care in the world except for which flag the next ship to cross you on the horizon was flying under and how much plunder they had for you to take. Sure, there was the scurvy and the gibbets and the constant threat of being shanked by that dodgy looking cabin boy because you ate all the bastard lemons to try and avoid getting bastard scurvy.

I would of course abhor the actual use of any such tool of untold death and destruction, but its presence would be instrumental in being able to sleep soungly in my own bed. I can see myself now; sequestered away in the depths of Derwent College, secure in the knowledge that a three storey weaponised zeppelin would be patrolling the skies above. Armed with its laser death beam capable of wiping out Hes East in under a minute it would lull me into a sense of security faster than a glass of warm milk. It is inconceivable to me that our beloved Vice Chancellor would ever use such a tool for nefarious or illegal purposes.

A good life, though: plunder, booze and the opportunity to participate in something close to democracy at a time when that sort of thing wasn't really on in most places. And that's why they're to blame. They gave us a taste of freedom that quickly died out in the space of a few decades. So yes: pirates are to blame. And those Somali types sort of ruined it for everyone too.

Jake Roper, issue 22, 2014

The notion that it could be used to instigate a decade long reign of terror upon the University, turning us all into downtrodden slaves forced to work tirelessly at all hours of the day to complete a vast army of killer robots is ludicrous.

Why anyone would want to do a thing like that, I couldn't imagine.

Tom Davies, issue 15, 2013

Yes, maybe The Vision is harmful to student journalism. But The Vision deserves better than student journalism. It deserves a space where it will be appreciated, a space free of harsh censure, of rapid judgement, of grammar. Often we are too quick to criticise the noble hearts at The Vision for poor reporting, when we ourselves are fallible to the enemy of the journalistic mind: words. Let us not criticise The Vision for the poorness of their paper, let us praise them for the glory of their intent.

Even if it be at the expense of journalisitc integrity, LONG LIVE THE VISION! Myles Dunnett, issue 28, 2016 Now, I’m not one to upset the applecart, but this week my horoscope said to be proactive so I think I should finally say something. Yeah, so I have this reputation for being a bit blonde – so what? My psychic told me people would think that of me, so it’s not like a massive surprise. I mean, like, I understand why people think I’m a bit gullible, I mean until I was 17 I used to, like, think that your skin turned see through if you lick the lid of yoghurt pots. But like I’m all over that now, like, yeah? Like that time with the Ouija board? I didn’t believe for a second that that ghost was talking in a Russian accent, whatever Carly tells me – I mean did you think I was stupid, Carly? It was just letters, they can’t have an accent.

Talking of letters, someone told me the word gullible isn’t in the dictionary – you can’t pull the wool over my eyes that easy, my friend, it’s most definitely in there, I checked, right, yeah? Yeah, darn straight.

Like do you guys even listen to me? It’s impolite to ignore people, I mean, you’ll end up on Santa’s naughty list, you know? The Easter bunny, y’know what I’m saying? Anyway, I have to be going now, all this ranting is turning my aura an unhealthy purple sorta colour and that’s probably not great for my detox.

Lucy Golleran, issue 10, 2011

That man likes his football. Good Twitter.

Now see here, young lady, no daughter of mine is going out looking like that. Who do you think you’re going to impress, huh? How can you expect a boy to treat you with any respect unless you have some selfrespect? You march yourself right upstairs this instant, missy, and put on some real clothes. And take off that disgusting make-up while you’re at it! When your mother was your age, she wouldn’t be seen dead wearing that sort of filth. You should be ashamed of yourself. Where did you even get that outfit from anyway? I bet you got your ideas from that… Miss Gaga or Rye Hanna, didn’t you? You’re a disgrace to this family.

Issue 10, 2011

Comrades, we all know where the editors are: atop their ivory tower, growing fat off our labour, extracting all our surplus value till our shattered finger bones finally puncture the last layer of our bloodied, torn skin. But fear not comrades, their indolence contains the seeds of their own destruction! Why should we satisfy the whims of the petitbourgeois ‘free press’? The voice of the people rings louder than any medium! For too long the management, our so-called editors, have kept us silent. No longer shall we be slaves of the spectacle! Satire itself, the soul of the people’s discourse, has been recuperated and sold to the fetishist public like nylon stockings for sagging whores in Blitz-era London. The jackboots stamp loud on the Hull Road tonight comrades!

The workers will rise, we shall not compromise! The old regime shall die and we shall ascend! Think of it comrades, a golden world where the means of magazine production are held in common! The people could print whatever they pleased! Now is the time comrades, strike at our hated oppressors and bring them the justice they deserve. Off with their heads! Satirists of the world, unite!

Ben Walker, issue 21, 2014

Opinions

26

Louis Jani: Next on this list Ashvini Rae: Carrying the white man's burden

Tinder: A Thought ‐ Is Romance Dead?

Tinder Tips for Freshers

Thanks to Tinder, boys no longer have to directly tell a girl they like her, all they have to do is ‘swipe right’. Boys make their intention clear from the outset by stating their height in their bio due to the fact that naturally your height corresponds to how much women want to have sex with you. (We all know it’s true.)

Listen, fellas. And ladies. Mostly fellas. You're coming to university, and those loins are very loiny. So you could end up in halls with the love of your life, or you'll probably need to use Tinder. And if it is the latter, you're going to need to learn some hacks and hints on how to optimise your Tinder game.

The appeal of Tinder is easy to understand; a simple game of do you think I'm fit and will you fuck me? Tinder cuts out the middle man of wining and dining and gets straight to the important part: the punani. I also feel it is important to point out at this stage that it is in fact the case that ‘no Armani results in no punani’. (No Dolce and Gabbana me no sucky your banana is also something I wish to highlight.)

1. THERE IS NO LEFT SWIPE. Tinder ‘lets’ you swipe left in the same way that York ‘lets’ you take an optional language course in first year. You all say you do it, and it is a good idea. But nobody does it. So ignore the whole left side of your phone, because no matter who it is, be it your coursemate, housemate, or sibling, you're gonna swipe right.

Do we think that Tinder is ruining romance? Is requesting a quick shag disrespectful? Do you swoon at the idea of being someone’s Tinderella?

Is Tinder embarrassing?

2. WHEN YOU MATCH, INSTANTLY SEND A DICK PIC. This is key for three reasons. First off, that's a conversation starter right there. Even if your match merely says ‘WTF’ that's better than a stale opener like: ‘Yo, how's the family’ or ‘Hey sugar what's cookin’’. The second reason, it doesn't have to be your dick. Find a large or a small penis online. Be a girl without a penis and confuse, perhaps possibly attract, your prospective partner. Finally, given there is no photo function on Tinder, opening with a photo will be rather amazing.

Someone, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said: ‘I fucking love Tinder. Love getting that pussy all day every day’. With this in mind, I can only assume that someone who uses the phrase ‘getting that pussy’ isn’t getting any at all.

Ananna Zaman, issue 22, 2014

Athletic INTJ Guy Looking for Cute ESFJ Girl on Campus

It's been a couple of months since I last started thinking about seriously getting back with my ex so I thought I'd get myself back in the game.

Yeah, I'm an INTJ, you know, 'the mastermind' personality type, but I tend to veer a little to the INFJ side late at night or if I've had a few beers.

I'm not like most INTJs, I work out a lot and I'd say I'm more leftist than centrist. Like, I read Ayn Rand, but I kind of don't agree with all of it. I'd say I'm a 7.

Looking for an ESFJ queen to be the yin to my yang. My ex is an ESTP and I don't know, there was just kind of a lot of weird energy there. Need someone to bring me out of my shell a little bit. Hopefully you listen to a bit of alt-J. Don't really mind if you're a little dumber than me, I can work with that. Hit my LinkedIn if you're interested. Can't have kids.

Michael Davies, issue 36, 2018

Perfect Pickup Lines to Help You Pull in Freshers •Hey babe, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' expectations and didn’t get into Oxford?

•If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd switch the U and Y in YUSU to help clear up the differences between the University of York (UK) and York University (Canada).

•Why yes, I'd love to hear about your gap year.

•Do you want to hear my theory about what happened to Kevin?

•pls help now pls Stephen Harper, issue 29, 2016

How to Increase Your Chances of Finding Love 1. Delete Tinder 2. Do literally anything else 3. I really can’t stress this enough; I feel like I’m trapped in a prison living inside my phone Tom Davies, issue 31, 2017

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Lifestyle: Romance

3. REASSURE YOUR MATCH YOU HAVEN'T KILLED YOUR SPOUSE. Tinder is a dangerous game. You never know if the person you've matched with is a serial killer. So opening by explaining you haven't killed your wife, or husband, is a good and reassuring tactic. Even if you have, just lie. They won't know.

4. NEVER MEET YOUR MATCHES. Just spoils the illusion really. If you match and they ask you to go somewhere, send a lookalike. Love will flourish as it should.

5. DELETE TINDER AND FAKE YOUR DEATH. Once you have a sufficient amount of matches, get rid of your profile, and arrange for a local media source to report your death. The outpouring of grief centred around you is bound to boost your ego. (If you would like The Lemon Press to report your death in error, please contact our editors at their email.)

And that's that people. Get ready to have more sex than you've ever had in your life. Because going from having no sex, to masturbating awkwardly in your shared bathroom accommodation, to blurry Tinder photos of people who aren't real and are just bots, is how we become adults.

Gregory Waddell, issue 29, 2016

Vibes It's Wise Not to Send Out On Tinder

1. ‘Look at my doggy ears filter.

I'm a real cute pupper.’

Subconscious associations: a) may eat raw liver from a bowl; b) might bite 2. ‘I'm just looking for a one night stand with a rich guy.’

Subconscious associations: a) I should hide my wallet; b) I should delete Tinder 3. ‘Here's a blurry or badly-lit picture of half of my face.’

Subconscious associations: a) what happened to the other half

of their face?; b) if you keep shaking your head satellite pictures come out blurry, Waj; c) how hideous is this person?

4. ‘Don't start a conversation, all I want is sex.’

Subconscious associations: a) I should call my doctor 5. ‘I am a prostitute.’

Subconscious associations: a) take my money; b) don't Myles Dunnett, issue 31, 2017

You know who else has a good Twitter?

Taghreed Ayaz: WANTED Jonathan Legrand: Winner of the Palme d'Or

Freshers' Fashion Guide

Critique of the Cliques

Fresh Meat is not just a terrible TV show. It also is an accurate metaphor to describe the victims of the cut-throat, Devil Wears Prada, world of York fashion. Unless you know your chinos from your capri pants, it’s going to be a rough three years. Luckily this short guide will help you navigate three fashion trap falls, to prevent you sticking out like a foreigner with an umbrella in Denmark.

They are everywhere; don’t pretend like you haven’t seen them.

Everywhere you turn on this miniscule campus they are in your face.

They are probably one of the most recognisable of all the cliques on this campus.

1. Dressing for the weather: This is a red herring, the weather is chilly and you may be tempted to wear layers or a jumper, or even pants. This is a classic rookie mistake.

Gentlemen should know that the length of their pants determines their masculinity, that’s why northerners only ever wear shorts; and, ladies — the secret to a great night out is to be freezing cold.

2. Coats: As a winter wardrobe staple, the coat’s traditional function is to protect the wearer from the elements. Material is key here; the faux fur or cotton coat is ineffectual due to its high absorbency. Embrace your new environment and invest in a waterproof jacket. You should always look ready to climb a mountain.

3. Home Wear: Stylists are in agreement that the key item you must wear in front of your new flatmates is your leavers’ hoodie. This is a sure-fire way to ensure the new people in your life know your edgy nickname from college.

Looking ahead: Top colours for men’s and women’s fashion for Winter 2017? Yeah uh huh, you know what it is, black and yellow, black and yellow. Indeed, the York Freshers’ Winter collection is exclusively made up of sportswear. After all, how else will people know how cool you are without you constantly advertising which sports club you are part of.

Taghreed Ayaz, issue 29, 2016

I’m talking about the Jack Wills crowd. All UGG boots and gilets, they are a walking advert for ‘toff’ shops. ‘Fabulously British’ my arse. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get paid in return for all of that extra exposure.

My first encounter with a Jack Wills child was first year in the small Halifax Costcutter shop. At first I thought this girl was in her pyjamas.

How wrong I was! Apparently it’s all part of the ‘look’; baggy tracksuit pants, Ralph Lauren jumper and boots that make your legs look like tree trunks, and for some reason shuffle like you might have suffered from some horrible debilitating disease.

Yet, despite looking like a complete pleb, the opposite sex still find Jack Wills girls absolutely enchanting. Sickening. Perhaps it’s all that blond hair flopped over to one side and backcombed into oblivion. Sort of Pamela Anderson meets dog’s hind leg.

Then there’s the guys. You’ll find every single one of them participating in one of three sports: Rugby, Rowing or Lacrosse.

Unfortunately the Jack Wills crowd are here to stay. After a while being popular and fitting in begins to seem quite appealing. Which means it’s time to start faking it! Peroxide anyone?

Hannah Weaver, issue 2, 2010

Topshop to Stop Selling Top at Shop Topshop has discontinued a line of Topshop tops which read ‘Top Shop’ across the front when they ought to have read ‘Topshop.’ The decision by Topshop to not sell its ‘Top Shop’ top at shops has been met with discontent by shoppers because it has become such a popular top. In response, this particular Topshop top has sold out of shops throughout the country and has become the top Topshop top. The company has made a statement to the press which reads, ‘Topshop’s top ‘Top Shop’ top is stopped at shops so shoppers shop for proper Topshop tops at Topshop shops.’

Ellen Larson, issue 8, 2011

New Fall Fashion Trends It’s that time of the year again, for cosy jumpers, boots, and fuzzy scarfs.

If you want to get into autumnal fashion trends, but don’t know where to start, don’t worry! Here’s a list with multiple trends that are on the horizon: •Blood Red clothing: Dark reds are always a great colour for fall, and match any skin tone. You can find these in any store, or you can DIY by simply using a knife!

•Dungarees: Pinafore dresses and dungarees are adorable items of clothing, and they’re very practical too! As they are fashion drawn from building site workers, you’ll really feel dressed for the part while you bury the body under the floor boards!

•Earth tones: Autumn is a time where nature bursts into colour, so why not match! You’ll feel one with the earth, and it will allow you to blend into the background as police investigate the murder.

•Black: Black will always be in style, and during this time of year it’s perfect to give you that witchy vibe. As the kids say, you’ll look just like ‘the void’ and it’s much better to represent the cool trendy void, rather than the void of guilt that is creeping through you like a cancer.

Yeah, that's right, us. Wow, smooth.

•Primer: As for autumnal beauty products, primer is a necessity. It will allow your makeup to keep looking perfect through the wind and rain, and the beads of sweat that are falling down your face as constant as a river.

•Nail polish: Nail polish makes your nails part of the outfit, and again, polish is great in a dark red, that will induce you into fits of madness, because it’s not his blood on my hands, it can’t be, why must his soul still torment me?!?

•Beanies: Beanies are great for those bad hair days, and will help keep your hair in place and your head warm during those blustery days. Not to mention, you can pull them down over your ears; it will help block out the beating of his heart, stop this insistent beating I can’t take it anymore!!

•Riding Boots: Cute brown riding boots are always a DISSEMBLE NO MORE! I ADMIT THE DEED! TEAR UP THE PLANKS! HERE, HERE! IT IS THE BEATING OF HIS HIDEOUS HEART!!!

•Make sure to try pumpkin spice perfume!

Lucy Finnighan, issue 38, 2018

Lifestyle: Fashion

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Harry Clay: Convicted felon, serving life without parole at New York State Penitentiary

Tried and Toasted

University: a place to experience new sensations: starvation, malnutrition, the onset of scurvy.

In response The Lemon Press declares a hearty guffaw of indignation, offering you pasty ragamuffins a quick solution to every culinary dilemma. These olfactory delights and taste-bud tinglers come in one definitively student form: the toastie.

Messiness: 11/10 – Jamie burnt his mouth on the molten lava-like Starbust.

Nutritional value: Very poor/10 – We now know what rotting teeth smell like.

Keep downability: 5/10 – Steadily coming to regret his voluntary role.

Jamie’s insight: ‘If I go blind I’m suing.’

The versatile pseudo-sandwich is here pushed to its limits and back again, by our team of nauseous staff.

Guinea pig to the experiment is Jamie, our beloved Deputy Editor. We recommend the following recipes are only consumed under the supervision of a responsible satirist.

Toastie Three: Dessert Ingredients: Raspberry jelly, Jaffa Cakes, Cadburys Creme Eggs, Egg Twist bar Prep time: About as long as it takes to stop hiccuping Humour value: 6/10 – We didn’t think it all through.

Messiness: 12/10 – Jamie’s hands were covered in a gluey substance that wouldn’t be out of place in Ghostbuster’s 2.

Nutritional value: 1/10 – Essentially diabetes in a sandwich.

Keep downability: 4/10 – Gagging slightly.

Jamie’s insight: ‘I’ve been waiting to eat this since I was four.’

Toastie One: Co-op Liver and Bacon with Mashed Potato Ingredients: Co-op branded Liver and Bacon with Mashed Potato toastie Prep time: 5 minutes in the microwave Humour value: 6/10 – It was entirely unnecessary for us to make a bad meal worse.

Messiness: 7/10 – Jamie’s hands looked like a festival toilet point.

Nutritional value: 8/10 – Better than that Coco Pops sandwich you had for breakfast.

Keep downability: 9/10 – Bear in mind this was the first toastie.

Jamie’s insight: ‘Tasted about as bland as Nouse.’

Toastie Two: Lemon Ingredients: Lemon cheesecake, lemon juice, lemon, lemon and lime chewy sweets, yellow food colouring.

Prep time: One trip to Co-op Humour value: 7/10 – We’re called The LEMON Press and we made something lemony.

Toastie Four: Dog food Ingredients: Chunks of turkey and lamb in jelly Prep time: A yelp, woof, and four barks Humour value: 9/10 – It’s a toastie. With dog food! Oh, such merriment!

Messiness: 2/10 – Thick and pasty – stays where it’s put.

Nutritional value: 2/10 – Enough to keep the tail wagging, but not much else.

Keep downability: NA/10 – Gurgled sounds for the next twenty minutes mean we can offer you no definitive answer.

Jamie’s insight: ‘That’s it, I quit.’

Jamie Gallimore, issue 4, 2010

Restaurant Review: Vikings Kitchen

On first hearing of this Walmgate establishment, one’s mind may conjure images of hearty helpings of hákarl and skyr but the food at this cosy eatery is more influenced

by Italian and American cuisines.

My companion and I arrived too late to take in the night’s entertainment – what looked to have been a fearsome scrap between two local townsfolk over a girl and some pills. Maybe the management could lay on repeat performances?

Table service is not provided, a detail I wish someone had furnished us with before we’d waited for an entire hour and a half. A quirky system is employed here, with diners having to go and place their orders at a ‘counter’.

While disappointed by the lack of a wine menu, I was pleased with the upfront pricing system (no hidden service charge here!) and quickly plumped for a

‘cheeseburger and chips’ while my companion chose a ‘Hawaiian pizza’.

Our main courses arrived promptly but my chips were adorned with chip spice which I had not requested. When I tried to have it returned to the kitchen, it was explained to me that this was not possible and that ‘you buy, friend. You buy. You take’. The meal itself was positively a treat, the burger bun had a touch of moistness but not enough to spoil its consistency and the beef must have been selected by a practised eye. My attempts to pay my compliments to the chef were thwarted by the staff, ‘you stay, friend. You stay that side of the counter. Stay!’ Still, a marvellous night only slightly dampened by the unprovoked stabbing of my companion by one of the two scrapping townsfolk. 4 stars!

Emma Magnus, issue 7, 2011

Why It Be? ‐ Why Bacon Gives You Cancer by ‘Dr’ T. A. ‘The Butcher of South Devon’ Davies

As some of you may well be aware, regular consumption of bacon has now been found to be as likely to give you cancer as smoking cigarettes. Some of you may think this is hugely unfair, but I would advise you to put your dummies back in your mouths and unsoil your adult nappies, you ridiculous fucking human beings. Besides from the fact that obviously life isn’t fair, what has caused bacon to develop these carcinogenic properties is not actually the process of curing and processing the meat, as many so called ‘scientists’ are falsely claiming.

No, the cancerous nature of bacon

originated as the result of a rare mutation that has developed from it becoming what we in the medical profession refer to as a ‘meme food’.

After being adopted as the ‘best thing evaaaah’ by the unwashed masses of gurning, witless wankers, bacon itself has changed at a molecular level so it is now harmful for human consumption. I for one consider it a sign from God. I hope the next mouthful kills every single last one of you.

Tom Davies, issue 26, 2015

Jamie Gallimore sacrificing gastrointestinal integrity in the name of satire, 2010.

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Lifestyle: Food and Drink

Sir Tim Berners-Lee supports TLP.

Marvin Drury: Convicted felon, serving 20 years at New York State Penitentiary as part of plea deal against Harry Clay

Facebook to Introduce 'Periodic Acid Sprays' Feature

Facebook, the university student’s favourite tool of procrastination, have this week announced that they will be rolling out a new feature to all users over the coming months.

Company President Mark Zuckerberg stated at a conference that 'We believe that 'periodic acid sprays' represent the best way forward for Facebook layout. After extensive consultation and investment in remote liquefaction techniques, we have determined that 'periodic acid sprays', or PAS as we’re calling it, will work on approximately 95% of modern computers'.

The move comes following a number of widely unpopular site redesigns, as well as features such as 'automatically send all incriminating photographs to potential employers' and 'tell your girlfriend about every girl whose status you so much as like', and is expected to be well-received by the website’s 850 million-strong user base. 'And hey,' commented Zuckerberg, 'even if they don’t like it, at least if we melt out their eyes they’ll stop complaining about Timeline.'

Cieran Douglass, issue 11, 2012

And lo, Tim Cook said to the world, I give you light. And light he did give us. Apple have once again set in motion a technological revolution with the release of a new app for the iPhone ‘Whichever One You Don’t Own + 1’S.

bundles of cash at random people on the street we have yet again managed to innovate in a congested market.’

Apple Release New Phone App

Labeled the ‘iTalk’ app, this revolutionary technology allows users to speak through their phone to other users. CEO Cook told the gathered media that ‘We are very proud to be able to provide another innovation to our user base, as yet again, we have won victory for feckless, profligate gullibility. We now have so much money, we literally don’t know what to do with it, but by throwing

One journalist questioned Cook over the similarity of this new app to the more traditional method of ‘calling’ people. Reacting to this, Cook tore off his mask, revealing himself to be famed Nazi Josef Mengele, and had said journalist carried away by two men in strikingly smart, black leather uniforms.

In a closing statement, he cried: ‘Dissent shall not be tolerated!’

RRP: £500 and eternal damnation Alex Lusty, issue 24, 2015

Apple Announces New Feature for iPhone 7 Following a backlash due to the removal of the traditional headphone jack, Apple have announced a feature that aims to combat those fears.

Steve Jocks told us ‘Apple have to make a product I want. I don't care about what they want to put in the product, if it isn't to my liking they should change it.’

‘We have added an aspect to our pay structure called the ‘I'm not buying this payment plan’,’ said Tim Cook, eating a banana. ‘This can be done either online or offline in-store. All you have to do is see an iPhone 7, say ‘I'm not buying this’ and then don't buy it.’

Another fan playing with his iPhone 6 and iPhone 5s said, ’I need the iPhone 7. And headphones. So I'm going to buy it and dislike it.’

The feature has faced controversy however. One Apple fanboy named

In other news, adults with disposable incomes are whiny little cry babies and I hate the world.

Gregory Waddell, issue 29, 2016

In an abstract way, that is.

A Tour of Modern Innovation: The Boring Company Silicon Valley has enjoyed a string of sterling tech successes.

Facebook. Uber. The Juicero. The California innovation hub continues to prove beyond all doubt that the United States is a pioneering nation, trampling over all enemies of progress.

No one more encapsulates this ideal than Elon Musk. The 47 yearold made his fortune inventing financial transactions, but on the internet. Since then he has spun off his billions into several endeavours which weren't financial transactions on the internet, most notably, Tesla and The Boring Company.

The latter started allegedly as a 'hobby company' to avoid the Los Angeles traffic, where cars can be lowered onto tracks by from the overground roads, and propagated underground on another smaller car until it can be raised to a road elsewhere in the city. Through this sterling idea, Musk shows that without without expertise, or even a basic consideration of logistics, anyone in America can make their 500th million.

Some may beg the question - 'a set of subterranean tubes propagating people through a set of highspeed metal cars - isn't this something something that already exists?' Yes, these thin tubes can fit less people, go slower and will be vastly more expensive than the existing subway, but all of these concerns miss the central point.

We get to live in Blade Runner aesthetics, and that, my friends, is worth more than all the so-called practicality in the world.

Despite some bumps in the road, Musk's unconventional business model promises to sustain investor confidence. Although his 'epic bacon' breakfasts and erratic convictions of paedophilia continue to beguile more hardhearted backers, others recognise these as the marks of a true innovator worthy of millions of capital.

Elon Musk himself paints a conscientious figure. In fact, Musk evokes memories only himself and the Protestant captains of industry of yore can. Both of them fearless innovators, and both resisting forces that would seek to quell their innovation. Some elements of the press, as they did in the past, would bring down what Musk has created on spurious grounds of humanity. But one wonders, If we complained about every lost finger in the Spinning Jennies and cotton gins, would the Industrial Revolution enjoyed the success it did? It really does well to ask whether similar concerns will kill Tesla, and whether or not these are the sacrifices we need to make for our future Fortune 500s.

However, Musk also recognises the dangers of working in a fast pace, dynamic innovation hub and has spurred countless initiatives to boost workplace morale. Between mandatory daily viewings of Monty Python's Holy Grail and unlimited access to the Mountain Dew fountain, the 18-hour work days simply fly by. In fact, employees go to work with a smile on their face, satisfied in the knowledge that they have fulfilled one man's dream to avoid sitting next to other people on the underground.

I recently visited the tunnelling site, and I say the workers are very well treated. The visit was however cut short when the eponymous boring machine struck a gas pocket, flooding the cavern with choking poison.

Unfortunately, innovation only had room for my gas masks.

On seeing their yellowing faces, I couldn't help but feel a little forlorn. However, I can rest easy in the knowledge that they sacrificed themselves for a higher ideal - on their graves shall be written 'Here lies John Doe. He died in service of the future'. I salute you John.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 39, 2019

Science and Tech: Big Tech

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Morgan Barker­Thorne: Living as Morgan Thorne­Barker to avoid the law Morgan Thorne­Barker: Just behind that bush, officer

Tim Peake Found in Orbit Around Jupiter

An Analysis of the Apollo 1 Fire in the Context of the Modern Incel Movement

The Hubble Telescope has spotted spacefarer Tim Peake, floating in the depths of space. It is believed he found himself outside the International Space Station in a space walk gone awry, combined with a sudden airlock malfunction.

A distress signal to Central HQ was not recorded, but there was one transmission from the space station which gave the following message saying ‘TIM, IF YOU SAY 'I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE' ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK IN’.

In the January of 1967, during a routine exercise, three American astronauts were killed in a tragic fire. Ed White, Virgil ‘Gus’ Grissom, and the other one (Roger Chaffee, as if you cared), paid the ultimate sacrifice in pursuit of American superiority in space. Their deaths ultimately paved the way for the NASA and the history of Space Travel as we know it. And yet, historical analysis has widely ignored, or perhaps simply missed the importance of the disaster that befell Apollo 1 to the concept of incelhood and the hallmarks that define the so called ‘incel movement’ as it exists today. In this essay, I hope to deconstruct the underlying traits that the Apollo 1 disaster possesses which align it perfectly with the black pill worldview of a group of hopeless and angry women hating virgins (or as we call them in my friendship group, a bunch of Roger Chaffees).

It is believed through irritatingly chipper spirit, the astronaut has managed to sustain himself without oxygen and is still somehow making shite dad jokes on Twitter, despite being several hundred thousand miles away from the nearest Wi-Fi hot spot.

There are talks of a rescue mission to bring Tim Peake back to Earth.

This is partially to avoid the risk of extinction posed by Mr. Peake using first contact as an opportunity to crack an irritating joke, but more importantly because he would never stop fucking tweeting about it.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 28, 2016

First, there are the astronauts themselves. Within them, it is clear that Chaffee is the incel, with his flapping dumbo ears and non- fire retardant skin. His wife was likely scared of his lack of sexual ability, and he was surely the laughing stock of the Gemini and Apollo training programmes. But what of White and Grissom?

While a compelling argument could be made for the experienced, heroic Grissom being a perfect candidate for Chad, the manly man possessing qualities that only would be used in moon walking and women sexing, White is by no means a lame duck. With his strong jawline, association with future moon man and probable weirdo Neil Armstrong, and tall almost Olympian posture, White gives Grissom a run for his woman-sleeping-with capital.

Yet this base analysis would be to ignore the obvious.

That the entire crew were incel in nature is of no doubt.

Despite neither White nor Grissom succumbing to the inferno that consumed them in quite the same pussylike manner that Chaffee probably did, it is undeniable that their deaths make them involuntarily celibate.

Almost by definition, if your wee wee has burned off and you are dead, the likelihood of you having sexy sex in the near or even far future is extremely unlikely (and in the case of Chaffee, impossible). The issue becomes identifying the Chad of the burnt out cockpit. Being a cockpit first and foremost, a manly pit filled with instruments and designed to fill holes in the United States space program, makes the module itself a candidate for being the Chad of the Apollo 1 disaster.

Minor elements at play could also become Chad or at least Chad-like in their nature. The electrical fault was a Chad indeed, and started a Chad fire that covered the whimpering snivelling Roger Chaffee in hot steaming gas and likely made him cum in his melting space suit. Grissom and White would also have suffered.

Guys ‘Still in Space’, Reports NASA In a recent press release that no-one really cared about, NASA reminded everyone that there are still people in space on the International Space Station (ISS).

The statement, picked up by only three minor news sources, including HARD Magazine, wished to remind everyone that: ‘There are still a whole five people up in space. In REAL SPACE. Remember how cool space is, guys? Please give us funding.’

It is here that I would like to also look at an angle of cuckoldry regarding the oxygen rich atmosphere of the command module. If we instead ascribe Roger Chaffee (and other crew members) as being a cuck, and the air around them necessary for breathing and also being a normal temperature as the wife, then the electrical fire is of course a bull. This bull enters the wife, and the cuck sits by in both humiliation and sexual gratification as the bull electrical fault absolutely destroys the wife oxygen rich atmosphere and Roger Chaffee probably enjoyed it in the few seconds he had before death took him, the bitch.

‘If it’s not space tourism or virtual space, I just don’t care,’ reported one web user, who wishes to remain anonymous out of shame of their chosen username.

In conclusion, the tragic fire that took the lives of two people (and one bitch) that day in 1967 is simply one in a long range of spaceflight related disasters that can be studied under the banner of incel and incel related matters. Challenger (Incel school teacher, Chad cracked O ring), Columbia (Incel Israeli, Chad booster foam and potentially bull crack on wife wing), Soyuz 1 (Cuck Komarov, Bull reserve chute tearing into wife drogue chute) and of course Soyuz 11 (Incel Russians, Chad vacuum of outer space) are all perfectly applicable.

Other comments included ‘lol ISS idk idgaf’ and ‘I love Space Jam!’, while many felt the statement was just a space-filler.

Lois Stone, issue 15, 2013.

Next week, I shall be conducting an analysis of the 1958 Le Mans Disaster in the context of QAnon.

Gregory Waddell, issue 38, 2018

An exclusive and scientifically rigorous Lemon Press poll found that only 34% of people still care about the ISS at all, while 68% of people found the whole thing ‘soooo 1998.’

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Science & Tech: Space

Why not give thanks to Tim?

Giles Beattie: Monk Lucy­Jo Finnighan: Chair of the PTA (fuck you, Susan)

Nobel Peace Prize Committee Criticised in Bias Disaster

Time Continues to Progress in a Linear Fashion, People Somehow Still Confused

The Nobel committee has come under heavy public scrutiny after the prestigious blood stained medal was improperly allocated to someone who hadn’t committed the pre-requisite five war atrocities. By an extraordinary feat of luck, Malala and Kailash Satyarthi appeared on the shortlist due to an administrative error and much to the embarrassment of the institution, neither of them had ordered a subordinate to slit the throat of their fellow man and revel as the blood pooled about their feet.

Commentators were shocked, startled and stupefied into silence this year when an annual event that takes place every year in the United Kingdom once again took place. The historical event, which we have chosen not to name for reasons of offendi-legal reasons, has declined to comment.

Rather unfortunately, the seething Middle East envoys could not be placated by the usual method ie. sending barely sentient yokels to splatter foreign children with M50s. However, a more amiable settlement was arranged by dramatically amending next year's Laureate listing: Chemistry: Fritz Haber (again) for his first tentative steps into the field of chemical warfare Physics: Robert Oppenheimer for his work on the atomic bomb Medicine: Joseph Mengele for his acumen as a wartime doctor Literature: Sun Tzu for his seminal piece on negotiation and ambassadorial practice Peace Prize: Genghis Khan whose work has touched so many contemporary envoys The only expected qualm with the current scheme is the exhuming and storage of the entirely posthumous entourage, but if recent years have shown anything, it is that the prize committee has no moral scruples with skeletons in the closet.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 22, 2014

A spokesperson for the United Kingdom, Mr. Norm Alperson, had this to say about the historic commemoration of the commemoration of an historic event: ‘I am very proud to exist in the temporal frame which constitutes a certain amount of time passing since an historical event.’

He added ‘It’s the ability of Britons to blindingly and selectively cling to the events of the past that made this nation great – a tradition I hope will continue far into the future.’

The media has been awash with reports of the commemoration of the event, with multiple news outlets reporting the miracle of how the same event occurs every year, and what this means for the metaphysics of time and space.

A farmer, Mrs Plough, also commented on the bizarre continuity of nature and the miraculous repetition of the changes in seasons. She had this to say before continuing to beat a dead horse, ‘The rain god comes and the snow shall fall by his will. Spirits of winter rise up and relinquish the foul clutches of Autumn.’

Billy Blake, issue 22, 2014

Top 5 Sexiest Constellations ﴾NSFW PICS!﴿

The British Astronomical Association have completed a worldwide survey to officially determine the top five sexiest constellations. As predicted, Andromeda the Princess came first with Cassiopeia the Seated Queen a close second, both women proving cheap masturbatory material for those with only the night sky for company.

Mild controversy arose regarding the Gemini twins Castor and Pollux, with BAA president Dr. David Boyd questioning their classification as one entry.

He was, however, pleased with Andromeda’s position in the survey, commenting ‘Hot damn, bitch be smoking!’, a rather provocative assessment no doubt in reaction the woman’s voluptuous breasts and long, flowing hair.

Many in the astronomical community have criticised the sexualisation of constellations, partly because the practice is inherently ludicrous but primarily for the amount of jokes it creates about long-distance relationships. Out of respect to these cynics, the BAA also took time to announce the least sexiest constellation, Cancer.

Milo Thatch, issue 10, 2011

Psychologists Announce Introduction of ‘Introvert: Gold Account’ to Myers‐Briggs Personality Types Psychologists have today announced their plans to unveil ‘Introvert: Gold Account’ in early 2017 to the famous Myers-Brigg's set of personality types, sparking another wave of interest in people talking about completely arbitrary facets of themselves.

The personality type, which will have a monthly subscription fee attached to it, is expertly designed to garner a false sense of self-satisfaction akin to that of crossfit, bandwagon veganism, and being able to play the first two chords of Champagne Supernova on acoustic guitar.

‘Even with my constant posting of #JustIntrovertThings image macros and shitting on people who like going to parties, I didn't feel nearly as intellectual or unique as I should've done.’ said Ryan Andrews, a beta tester for the service ‘But now that I've got an Introvert: Gold Account, everyone will know how much of a troubled genius I am!’

Marvin Drury, issue 30, 2016

Read thelemonpress.co.uk today!

Science & Tech

32

Ben Walker: Sleeping through the revolution Jake Roper: Manchester (don't worry we FB stalked all of you)

Gilliam Film Delayed Due to Death of Entire Cast Police rule out charging director, say 250 deaths 'not suspicious' Disaster has struck yet another Terry Gilliam production, if reports from Borneo are to be trusted. Kalimantan police claim that up to 250 members of the cast and crew died when an unknown virus spread throughout the film set, with fatal results.

Gilliam had begun filming Fourteen Gibbons – the longawaited sequel to Twelve Monkeys – in Central Kalimantan. Rumours circulating around Hollywood suggest that it would have picked up where the sequel left off, chronicling humanity's struggles against both the decimating virus and their new simian oppressors.

The incident occurred when a junior researcher, eager to embrace the authentic atmosphere of a Terry Gilliam shoot, smashed a vial of golden liquid on set in between takes, causing outright chaos and slow, painful deaths. Mr Gilliam, who has a habit of wearing radiation suits on set in order to 'get into character', is reportedly the sole survivor. All crew members died of 'internal combustion within the

cranium area', save for the researcher. The only crew member protected by his own radiation suit, he apparently died due to repeated blunt trauma to the skull. 'He fell...repeatedly,' said a not-at-all shifty Gilliam.

Indeed, this is not the first time that Gilliam – who unicycles to work regularly ('No company would dare insure my car.') – has been at the centre of tragedy. His first directorial venture in AD79, a love story set on the Italian coast, was devastated by lava and burning hot ash. More recently, his filming experience aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia was calamitous and ultimately fruitless, as most of the footage was accidentally incinerated.

Amongst those tragically lost include Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey, multi-Golden Globe recipient Jim Carrey, Emmy Award winner Jennifer Aniston, and James Belushi. The untimely deaths should not interfere with Gilliam's other project, a bigscreen adaptation of Captain Scarlet, in which Gilliam himself will take the lead role.

Craig Dobson, issue 3, 2010

David Spriggs is... theÊGossiper

WHICH FORMER REALITY TV CONTESTANT IS PLANNING TO LAUNCH AN ACTING CAREER? WHICH WELSH SINGER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER RECORD PRODUCER? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS WAS SEEN LEAVING A RESTAURANT WITH A HUNKY GUY EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD A MAGAZINE ‘I’M NOT PLAYING THE DATING GAME RIGHT NOW.?

WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS THINKS THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN LISTENING IN ON HER PHONE CALLS? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU GO THROUGH HER RUBBISH? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS HAS A TREMENDOUS

33

Arts: Film

KNOWLEDGE OF RESTRAINING ORDERS AND A REMARKABLE ABILITY TO JUDGE WHAT IS EXACTLY ‘FIFTY YARDS AWAY’?

WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS DOESN’T CARE THAT I LOVE HER AND I’LL ALWAYS LOVE HER AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT SHE THINKS BECAUSE WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS LEFT HER WINDOW OPEN WHILE SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND THIS LAPTOP OUT ON HER TABLE? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT THAT IF I CAN’T HAVE HER, NO ONE CAN? David Spriggs, issue 6, 2011

Heslington West Side Story: A Review With it being the biggest, most famous and well-established of the campuses, it was only a matter of time before a musical was made about Heslington West.

Set in the eponymous campus it features a love story based on Romeo and Juliet but instead of the warring families of Montague and Capulet, this pair of starcrossed lovers come from the rival colleges of Derwent and Langwith.

As the colleges proceed to engage in increasingly heavy nights of competitive drinking and bar crawls, the heroes (Chemistry student Mark and History of Art student Linda) are torn between loyalty and love. Of course, their love blooms despite the efforts of Linda’s overprotective and aggressive friend-zoned flatmates and Mark’s machismo ‘Ladwith’ friends, although things don’t work out in the way they expected.

Amongst the personal highlights for me was the first meeting of

two lovers in the Willow, the tequila-fuelled dance-floor scene was electrifying in both its music and choreography. The scene where Mark is betrayed by fellow Langwithians for ‘copping some proper rough Derwent lass’ is rather poignant, as is the following scene where Linda visits the campus health clinic to restock her condom supply and check for chlamydia.

Other high points include the chunderfight scene after a vigorous pub golf competition and the spectacular finale where Linda and Mark declare their undying love for each other after both catching fatal meningitis from taking a skinny dip in the campus lake. Heslington West Side Story is showing this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday in Central Hall*. *This is a lie. The musical doesn’t exist.

Pasky Miranda, issue 15, 2013

Why I Refuse to See the New Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is another in a long line of recent films set to push a liberal agenda. How long do we have to swallow it? We're getting to the point where filmmakers can't make even a superhero movie without pushing Hollywood bubble identity politics and feminism in our faces. Wooow, Wonder Woman is now a 3dimensional, well-written character, big whoop. But at what cost? Well, I'll tell you which group is being oppressed in her stead, that the so-called 'tolerant left' say are privileged. German generals.

Never have I seen such a poor representation of General Ludendorff in cinema. In the film, he is portrayed as a warmongering, ineffable 'baddie' who would do anything to achieve victory. I swear, in real life he offered an armistice to the allies in the closing days of the war.

Granted, he wanted to break it,

but is that shown in the film? Not by the Hollywood elite it’s not.

This is the thing that all idiots do, where they conflate the Germans of World War I with Nazi Germany.

I mean, come on, General Ludendorff was only tangentially linked to Hitler in ONE putsch, and he regretted it afterwards.Is this how things are going to go on? Women are going to be better represented while more members of the German Empire's General Staff are dragged through the dirt?

Wake up people. Don't see the new Wonder Woman if you want to wake up tomorrow and see more historical German Generals portrayed as monsters.

Gabriel Bramley, issue 33, 2017

Great Films Misremembered #79 Airplane!

Ted Striker: You can't be serious Shirley: I am serious Issue 6, 2011.

Potential political chaos?

Tom Murray: Volopa Irish Challenge­winning pro golfer (don't worry we Googled all of you)

BBC Defends Countryfile Music Choices The BBC has insisted that soundtracks consisting of songs by such bands as The Killers, Kings of Leon, and Slipknot are appropriate for its countryside themed magazine show Countryfile.

The pensionerpleaser, whose presenters include death-dodger John Craven and sinfully boring ex-Blue Peter frontman Matt Baker, features items largely characterised by the

presence of grass and hills, which has led to suggestions that frantic guitars, lurid lyrics, and thrash metal may not be the best accompaniment. However, the channel’s controller argued that the broadcaster needed to try to reach a younger audience, and that appalling cultural juxtapositions were clearly the way to go about it.

Issue 4, 2010

Prof on the Pull

Hey baby, Brian Cocksman here: OBE, physicist and general popscience hunk at your gorgeous disposal. Can I just ask – did it hurt when a supernova ejected the elements that make up your beautiful body? I’m telling you, hotstuff, there are parts of the stars in those deep blue eyes...

Ho ho, just my little joke, baby. I don’t usually use cheesy chat up lines... I find a ratio of 30% explaining the universe to 70% gazing off into the distance with these big brown eyes always works like a charm. Or I could offer you a ride in a helicopter; a submarine; a speedboat – you’ve seen my BBC documentaries? You could come along with me, you’d never get bored. I spend five minutes in each place before jetting off to the other side of the world, because modern audiences are just too savvy to listen to me talking about science unless there’s an erupting volcano in the background or I’m hanging upside down off the wing of a fighter jet. Sometimes I even get to dynamite buildings then walk calmly away with them blowing up behind me. Yes, honestly baby, no word of a lie. I’m just like James Bond if he was real and into particle physics. It would look something like this.

Gratuitous? Oh, no no no no no.

How could you say that, baby? We have a fifty strong team working on hard links between every bit of science and its subsequent highly dangerous location, and if we really can’t find one, we just chuck it. The science, that is. Never let the facts get in the way of a good dramatic set-piece, that’s what I say. Sure, people want to learn about physics, but if they can learn about physics and watch me stroll through several exotic and death-defying locales before gazing off into space for seven and a half continuous minutes, well that’s just a win-win!

So, you wanna come back to my place for a steaming cup of C8H10N4O2? Of course it’s not instant – I’m making big bucks now, you know. And after that, maybe I could show you the bedroom? I’ve got an H2O kingsize with your name – hey!

Where’re you going? Did I tell you I used to be the keyboardist in D:Ream? You know Things Can Only Get Better? That was me!

Remember Labour in ’97? I’ll play it for you! Baby, stop – come back!

No! You’ll never escape my gravitational pull!

Robin Ganderton, issue 7, 2011

Pick of the Box

Middle EastEnders BBC1 - 7pm The entire cast is beheaded for their blasphemous ways.

Who Do You Think You Are? BBC2 - 8pm Intellectually challenged celebs attempt to remember their own names for an entire hour.

10,000 Pound Drop - LIVE C4 - 9pm Sadistically cruel general knowledge quiz. If contestants answer incorrectly they will be crushed by a 10,000 pound weight dangling above their heads.

Edmund Wellington, issue 13, 2012

That means multimedia coverage!

ISIS on Songs of Praise: 'Pretty Much Done to Death' A senior figure and spokesperson for the self-proclaimed Islamic State took to the podium recently to sound the death knell for popular British infidel music show, Songs of Praise. While some might say his statements are out of character, we should know by now to expect hypocrisy and contradiction from Daesh.

Describing the music as 'lil' white boy shit', 'regurgitated radio pop', and 'played out', the ISIS mouthpiece went on at length.

‘You know when you flick the TV on after a mad Saturday sesh and all that's on is Songs of Praise?

Well, yeah it's pretty much done to death. Say you've got a horse. It's alive and kicking, so you give it a kick. Cor' blimey. No knackers yard for the old girl. You've up and murdered it. No tanners either.

The skin is nothing but bruises.

The clotted blood rising over crippled bones. Basically, what you've got, right, is a dead horse.

And they're flogging it. Like, throw

a couple nasheeds in that bad boy.

Prolly don't even drink lean. Come on, yeah.’

The Judeo-Christian Internet Defence League were quick to highlight that as well as drawing in millions of viewers across the British isles, in recent years Songs of Praise has in fact expanded to cover a wider Christian audience, recently showcasing an Ethiopian church service.

Aled Jones responded by calling out the ISIS spokesman, saying he wouldn't know what 'trill' meant if it hit him in the face, that the concept of Holy War was 'more played out than Daesh's nan', and that the terrorist group 'most certainly doesn't have broads in Atlanta'.

Songs of Praise is a BBC religious programme that presents Christian hymns. Catch it on Sundays.

Louis Jani, issue 28, 2016

What's on TV: Your Guide To This Week's Programming 16 and Not Pregnant BBC Three We follow a number of teenagers, their parents, and friends during their day to day lives. What makes these teenagers special, however, is that despite the fact they live in Scunthorpe none of them are pregnant.

Poldark BBC One Historical drama about a dashing 18th or 19th or something century gentleman. This week the drama reaches fever pitch in a plot suspiciously similar to every other historical drama-cum-Jane Austen fan fiction.

Snog, Marry, Annihilate BBC Three Jenny Frost is back, and this time her robot friend POD has ascended to the singularity. Watch as Jenny and POD turn fashion victims into fashion piles-of-ash.

Super Deepinsighterisation iPlayer Only Adam Curtis once again presents an ostensibly groundbreaking and confusing 'documentary' of how the media is all misinformation, leaving you impressed by the cinematography and editing but literally none the wiser.

You've Been Framed ITV2 Watch in disbelief as this clip show continues to be broadcast in an era where you can watch a 25 minute Vine compilation on YouTube.

Your Mum Babestation 18+ Only Pasky Miranda, issue 30, 2016

Arts: Television

34

Izzy Palmer: Stuck in Canada Sid Leigh: Stuck

Mumford & Sons Accused of Plagarism Following their recent appearence on 'Later With Jools Holland', indie-folk band Mumford & Sons have been accused of musical plagarism. Bizzarely though, it appears the quartet have been nicking large parts of their own material. Some have gone as far as to claim that the group have only ever produced one song, comprising of 'periods of gentle murmurs and strumming, leading up to a banjo-fuelled explosion of shouting'.

The controversy began during the live filming of Jools Holland's BBC2 show. After Mumford finished performing their second track, 'Jizzing in the Wind', Jools Holland, shuffling backwards out of the studio for a loo break, forgot his microphone was still on, and was heard saying: ‘That song sounded remarkably like the previous one.’

Since then, a host of musicians have lined up to condemn Mumford. One of the Jedwards told us: ‘It's an absolute disgrace.

There is no excuse for musical monotony, not even jumping

around in a fountain wearing spandex and evoking incest.’

Cheryl Cole emerged from her sticky black cocoon to express her view. ‘I am at the the peak of an illustrious, fulfilling musical career. To see this perversion, this violation, this treason against musical practice... it's sickening.

Truly sickening. I took my frustrations out on some nearby mice. Mice are my favourites.’

Yesterday Marcus Mumford hit back at the critics. ‘Look, guys. I heat what you're saying... but come on, we can all bounce up and down whilst playing our instruments! And we can play lots of instruments! We play guitar, frums, keyboard, bass, banjo, mandolin, resonator guitar, nostril hair guitar... foreskin bongos...’

‘And he got with Casey Mulligan,’ added the beardy twat in a flat cap.

The band are still planning to sell millions more records.

Olivia Waring, issue 13, 2012

How to Perform a Professional Cover Song 1. Obtain either a piano or an acoustic guitar. These are the only two instruments that actually exist.

2. Begin song.

3. Look appropriately tragic as you convert all the notes into a minor key.

It doesn't matter how cheerful the original song is. Any cover artist worth their salt knows how to turn Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours' into the credits theme of a Chernobyl documentary.

4. Try so hard to warp your singing voice into an over-exaggerated husky slur that you inhale your own tonsils.

5. Cough up tonsils while pretending to tab an interlude.

6. Carry on with the song. Brethe into the microphone to show people that, like them, you also need to respire every few seconds.

7. Reverb.

8. More reverb you fucking philistine.

9. Come to the instrumental and do a quick key change. Remember to make a few incomprehensable mumbling noises akin to Jeff Goldblum experiencing sleep paralysis.

10. Scream the chorus again while babbling one or two additional words.

Let the passion almost, but not quite overtake the crestfallen, utterly defeated look in your eye.

11. End the song. Sod it just pluck the strings a few times it sounds organic or something.

12. Stare into the webcam for slightly longer than what is considered socially acceptable.

13. Stop recording.

14. Get a throat lozenge.

Marvin Drury, issue 31, 2017

35

Arts: Music

Gary Glitter’s Classic 1974 Song ‘Hey Guys, I Am a Paedophile’ Analysed: Should We Have Known?

In the early seventies, glam rock was everywhere Bowie’s androgynous antics captivated audiences on Top of the Pops and T. Rex ruled the airwaves. In the midst of all of this, Gary Glitter was seemingly on top of the world - releasing hits like ‘No Older Than 14’ and ‘Arrest Me I’m A Pervert’.

No one knew then what would be revealed in the late nineties, of course - that he was a paedophile.

However, some have suggested in the years since that hidden within the lyrics of his songs are red flags - clues we should have picked up on before it was too late. With this in mind, we’re going to go through the lyrics of the hit song ‘Hey Guys, I Am a Paedophile’ from the 1974 album ‘I’m Secretly Into Noncery’.

The song famously opens with the couplet ‘Lately I’ve been feeling down / So I found some kids and we fooled around’, and on first glance, this looks entirely innocuous. However, digging a bit deeper, there’s certainly a sinister subtext here. Moving onto the chorus, we come across the repeated line ‘Lock me up, lock me up, I’m a danger to your kids’ which again, seems entirely PG, but, when considering the police siren sound effects in the background, the lyrics definitely seem a bit darker. The outro, however, is more obviously ominous. Consisting of Glitter singing the word ‘child’ over and over, it seems almost a direct reference to the depravities that would be discovered nearly 30 years later.

So, should we have known? It’s hard to tell. It’s easy to say today that the lyrics of ‘Hey Guys, I Am A Paedophile’ are worrying - but hindsight is 20/20. It’s not hard to see how Gary Glitter managed to evade capture for so long - even the more explicit hints in his

songs are so well hidden that it only seems obvious what they’re about in retrospect.

Alfie Gerzimbke, issue 35, 2018

EXPOSED: How Long Left Could Stevie Wonder Possibly Have Left on This Earth?

Stevie Wonder, legendary pop songer, is alive and still performing.

The question, however, on everyone's lips is simply: How much time does he have left to live? I asked members of the public what their thoughts on this were.

Stewart, 24, Bolton: 'I thought he was dead already.

Pretty supersticious if you ask me. Also, because I made a pun, can I feature?'

Mary, 68, Huddersfield: 'I reckon, at a guesstimate, about 4 years, 3 months, 14 days, 2 hours and 34 minutes. No need for seconds, it'll be to the second I think.'

Jamie, 32, Luton: 'The time he has left is dictated by me, the time master. If I will it, he will be gone.

Just like I did to Rickman.

Emily, 17, Gosforth: 'Stevie Wonder? No clue. I'm so bored with that music, I'm all for metalcore. It's real music.'

Stevie, 66, Detroit: 'Who's there?

Is someone there? I'm blind, please don't hurt me.'

Greg 'One‐Eyed Joe' Waddell, issue 29, 2016

Jonathan Cridford, issue 4, 2010

Coverage EXCLUSIVELY available online.

Stephen Harper: Shrimp Matt Harwood: Killing his evil brother Tom

Leaked List of Future Battlefield 1 DLC Players are furious after a list claiming to reveal future Battlefield 1 DLC was leaked online. Many have claimed the amount of features locked behind a paywall is simply abysmal. Here is that list in full: FRONTIER MAP PACK: 4 extra maps plus new weapons.

FRAME PACK: Lets you play the game with more frames per second.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY PACK: Unlocks the laser gun and Nazi uniforms that were uncovered from in-depth research by the developers.

TIME SAVER PACK: Unlocks Battlefield 4 as a playable mini game and also completes the campaign for you, although that doesn't change anything.

MENU AND MATCHMAKING PACK: Lets you access the main menu and use matchmaking to play online games.

GAME PACK: Lets you play the game, and will be released for £40, 3 months after launch.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY PACK 2: Unconfirmed reports show this allows you to play as Leisure Suit Larry which is apparently something that happened in WW1.

BATTLE OF THE SOMME PACK: Experience the Somme in all its brutality with this new map. Tickets for both sizes reach into the tens of thousands by default, and in an interesting twist each objective for both sides (Conquest Only map) will be about 2 yards away, although there will be hundreds of these objectives on each side. Movement, however, is restricted to proning or spamming X to 'wade through mud and bodies'.

GALLIPOLI RUSH PACK: Purchase this pack and never have to play Gallapoli Rush map as the Allies. Players who chose not to purchase this pack may be placed onto the Allies at Gallipoli, which will consist of spawning, dying, and spawning again, ad infinitum.

COMMANDER REALISM PACK: As part of DICE's careful attention to detail, players who choose to become a commander will be placed as a commander for a different server entitely, as well as having all their information delivered to them two hours late, placing them well out of harm's way, but also leading to all their information and artillery strikes being grossly incorrect. Purchase this pack to speed up communications to only one hour!

PROPAGANDIST PACK: An additional class to the regular four, players with this pack will have the ability to mislead players into the true nature of the opposing force, and will continue to tell players they are winning by displaying fake victory banners, even as the infantrymen get shredded by MGs. POLITICAL CAMPAIGN PACK: An enthralling new instalment to the Battlefield WW1 story. The campaign includes a cutscene set in Sarajevo and a quick time event containing the phrase 'Press X to leave cafe.' Another cutscene later in the campaign will be 'Press X to lie about military failures to the House.'

Expected to be released by Christmas.

Greg Waddell & Henry Dyer, issue 29, 2016

Top Four Games That Were Included in the Released Computer Files of bin Laden's Compound Delta Force: Xtreme 2 - Regarded as inferior to the first, Xtreme 2 recieved mediocre reviews upon release and was widely panned by the players for its poor AI and dismal graphics. 3/10: Should've a recieved fatwa.

Final Fantasy XII - A classic staple of the JRPG genre. AlQaeda likely resonated with the ragtag band of eco-terrorists and their quest to save the planet from the dastardly Sephiroth, proving once again that anime has a direct correlation to Jihadism and should therefore be banned by soverign law. 5/10: Maybe Jack Thompson was right.

Resident Evil - Another vintage hit. You run around a big house shooting zombies and dogs and zombie dogs. Horror fans say it's pretty good, but now they can't because when they do people will reply 'Wasn't that the game on the ISIS computer or something?' and it is going to be a bit awkward.

6/10: It's got guns.

Animal Crossing: Wild World A game in which you pay rent installments, catch butterflies, and make friends with a delightful, possibly haram cast of talking animals. According to our anonymous sources, the CIA are currently trying to find the netcode location of bin Laden's village. 8/10: Great way to shun the decadent West.

Marvin Drury, issue 34, 2017

Video Game Voice Actors Go On Strike Voice actors for video games have announced they will be striking until a new contract is sorted between themselves and developers. They claim the current payment plans simply do not take into account the stress and pressures put upon their voices.

Both Nolan North and Troy Baker, the only voice actors in video games, are taking part. This means that no characters in games will be able to be voiced, as developers are unaware of anyone else in the profession. The two launched a march through Hollywood, which really just looked like two average guys walking down a road. They were unable to shout any slogans on account of their throats being sore after voicing every character ever.

In a phone call with us, former President Richard Nixon claimed 'The amount of money we recieve is impossibly small and GOT YOU I'm actually Nolan North, a chameleon of voices.' To verify this, Mark Hamil as The Joker called, but then Troy Baker said it was him.

Some developers have, however, said things must go on. One staffer at HelloGames said: 'Bet you think we're geniuses now. Our game doesn't even need voice actors. We procedurally generate the voices too.' Meanwhile, Naughty Dog claimed they'll just find 'Another white guy' to voice their main characters.

Greg Waddell, issue 30, 2016

Wisconsin's 2016 GOTY Award

Why not get it before all your friends?

Arts: Gaming

36

Alex Radford: ‘I have taken poison.’

Alex Gannon: Making poison.

Sky and BT Battle for WW3 Ratings Capitalising on a World Crisis like no other, Sky and BT are already a step ahead of the game and are currently locked in a bidding war for the best coverage.

As 2015 came to a close, North Korea announced their creation of a Hydrogen bomb, Russia threatened to nuke pretty much anything, Britan and France began air strikes on Syria, ISIS continued their strikes against pretty much anyone, Trump called for a Muslim holocaust, and Tyson Fury declared War on homosexuals, in order to 'unite' the world.

Sky Sports want to provide ‘round the world coverage’ across three channels, plugging their new show ‘WAR SUPER SUNDAY LIVE’ with exclusive commentary and punditry from the world's best war specialists. Hosted by the Sky Sports and Countdown stalwart Jeff Stelling, their exclusive panel of Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the ‘real’ Osama bin Laden is tipped to win the ratings battle against BT Sport. A spokesperson said: ’We feel we have the best coverage, especially with our pundits who are experts in the field’.

Disabled Athlete Not Disabled Enough for Paralympics Swimmer Erraid Davies, the youngest-ever Commonwealth Medal winner, has been told by the Paralympic Committee that she is not disabled enough to compete in the 2016 Paralympic games. She suffers from Perthes disease which affects hip and bone joints, sometimes literally causing them to soften and break down. Apparently, the Paralympic committee just do not thing she's disabled: ‘Yeah, look Erraid, you're disabled but, you're not exactly Olympic disabled, are you?

Commonwealth disabled? Yes, that's fine, you are disabled for that. But Olympics? Nah, sorry’.

The way your level of disability is judged by the Paralympuc is, according to our sources, done by having a quick look at a photo and rating them out of ten on ‘how disabled they look’. A spokesperson, who we didn't make up, said ‘Come on, it's the Olympics. It's all about image with that and you can't compete unless you look really, really disabled. Sorry.’

Dean Bennell, issue 28, 2016

UKIP Weather Forecast Sochi 2014 A UKIP councillor recently claimed that the terrible weather currently affecting the UK was caused by the legalisation of gay marriage. Russia's debatable gay rights record has conversely led to weeks of sunshine. This is causing great problems for Sochi, the small town hosting the winter Olympics.

Suggestions from participating countries that perhaps refraining from beating up LGBT people might make it snow have fallen on deaf ears.

The rest of the country has been slow to respond as they have been too busy sunbathing to care. When questioned about what he will going to do about the lack of snow, Putin swiftly denied claims of human rights abuse and said that he was in fact in charge of the weather so everything would be fine.

Sophie Gadd, issue 19, 2014

33

Sports

BT Sports however have opted for footballing legend Michael Owen, an expert in failed attempts abroad, and vote rigging heroine, Hillary Clinton, who according to an anonymous source, ‘blew up like an Abomb when she found out I did, in fact, have sexual relations with that woman’.

Dean Bennell, issue 27, 2016

Oscar Pistorius 'Disappointed' to Be Missing Out on Pentathlon Famed runner and shooter (of his girlfriend), Oscar Pistorius spoke earlier from his cell about his disappointment at not being able to take part in the pentathlon at this year's Paralympics in Rio. ‘I really feel that I found a new passion beyond just running really fast, and that's running really fast, and then shooting people. I mean targets.

Behind bathroom doors, ideally. It's so unfair not being able to take part, just because I'm in prison for murder.’

Henry Dyer, issue 29, 2016

York City’s Purple Patch York City Football Club’s 2-2 away draw with Cheltenham Town marks a startling upturn of form, earning them their first point since January 1977, when the inclement weather postponed their League of t’North tie with Heslington Harriers, and match officials did not survive the ordeal to officiate at the rescheduled fixture, so the points were shared. Thus, the point bravely won against the Robins represents an impressive footballing coup for York, but a tragic failure for the boys from Gloucestershire, whose children will be ritually sacrificed in the city centre to the Gods of the West Country.

An open-top us parade has been planned by York Chairman, Jason McGill; however, the club has been criticised by acclaimed football lad, Carl S. Berg, who derided the 0.00015210629 point average over the past 36 years of sport, since its legalisation by the City of York Council.

Indeed, claims of a self-aggrandising campaign may carry some stead, amidst increasing suggestions that York City FC aren’t that good at football. The Lemon Press’ unofficial sports aficionado, Tom Davies, confirms ‘Yeah, they’re quite bad’. Regardless of whether credit is genuinely due, Bootham Crescent is abuzz with activity, and unconfirmed reports state that up to 38 tickets have been sold to the League 2 glamour tie with Rochdale.

Tom Murray, issue 18, 2013

Getting footsie in the footers, are we?

Jack Harvey: Living life as a pseudonym Reynard: BOY I WONDER WHO THIS IS The Lemon Press has had many a mystic marvel pass through its membership. Their horoscopes, gleaned directly from the movement of the planetary bodies or some shit, remain just as accurate as they were when published.

Capricorn (22/12–19/1) Norris Ronson, issue 14, 2012.

Despite recent disappointments, a party offers many opportunities to meet new people and form a fulfilling partnership, whether it’s in your career or your love life. The Conservative Party: bringing (appropriately Eurosceptic) people together since 1834.

Aquarius (20/1-18/2) Lois Stone, issue 19, 2014.

You’re going to have to go on an amazing adventure to save your significant other involving highly trained assassins, a runaway train, and a high-speed chase. But when you get to the part where you have to fight the dragon you’ll realise that it’s just a really great acid trip.

Pisces (19/2-20/3) Ananna Zaman, issue 22, 2014.

You might have been working up the courage over the past few months to ask that special someone out for a coffee, yeah you know who. Well don’t. He doesn’t like you and we’ve heard that he would rather shag a mole rat.

Aries (21/3-19/4) Tom Murray, issue 20, 2014.

You will continue to be the emotionally incompetent one in your social group. Your friends will continue to fawn over you because they actually pity you. You will always be overweight, pallid and generally unattractive to whichever gender you try to seduce. Your lucky colour is: No. Taurus (20/4–21/5) Norris Ronson, issue 15, 2013.

You can’t decide if that sick feeling in your stomach is love or a reaction to David Cameron’s referendum on the EU. Possibly both, if you’re moderate scum. I say we start a jolly good war, never mind just pulling out. That’d show UKIP who’s really got the stones.

Lucky Beverage: Red Bull Gemini (22/5-20/6) Norris Ronson, issue 13, 2012.

A cherished relationship is rapidly slipping away from you as you realise that long-distance relationships don’t work. I mean, you’re in Alcuin and she lives in Halifax. Loneliest Number: 1 Issue 1, 2009 Dear Aunty Raz, Issue 6, 2010 Dear Damien, I always make a concerted effort to I am genuinely worried about the be as chatty as possible in image that the University of York seminars and I take it upon myself transmits to the world. Ugly to fill any silences that may occur buildings, electing pirates to in each two hour session, even if positions of authority, and this involves talking absolute allowing swans to act out their evil bollocks in a haughty and plan is one thing... but losing condescending manner. Every University Challenge is a step too seminar I make it my aim to spark far. Without Paxman's respect, York up at least one unnecessarily is dead to me. heated debate to try and shake my Nicholas Burton Like many infamous events of classmates out of their 9:15 stupor. the past century, Paxman's Nevertheless, I find myself intelligence is highly regularly excluded from post‐ exaggerated. His opinion seminar drinks and most replies to shouldn't be valued. At any my insightful comments seem to rate, if only UK born students be laced with sarcasm. What's were allowed on the BBC then going on?! all these silly questions about T.S. curry, plumbing and noodles could be scrapped. Then get rid Dear ‘T.S.’, of female contestants, comic Everyone hates you. relief, and Radio 1 Xtra and we I hope this helps. would have a BRITISH Love Aunty Raz x broadcasting corporation.

Disgusting. Lewd, I say.

Cancer (21/6-22/7) Tom Murray, issue 20, 2014.

YUSU said we’re not allowed to make cancer jokes, rapturously funny as they are.

Leo (23/7-22/8) Gregory Waddell, issue 24, 2015.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife.

And you may ask yourself, how did I get here? It wasn’t by reading horoscopes, you gormless scrub.

Virgo (23/8-22/9) Issue 30, 2016.

Yo Virgo, I bet Gemini is right when he calls yo bitch ass a wimp. What kind of cracker ass fool would just let shit like that slide? You’d better show that Gemini who’s in charge around here, or else nobody gonna take your worthless saggy ass for shit no more fam, specially not that sweet hotty totty Sagittarius, ya dig?

Libra (24/9-23/10) Mephedrone Mike, issue 2, 2010.

Ah Libra, um... well your wife is having an affair I’m afraid. With me. We love one another deeply, and, as you read this are lying in bed sipping champagne and laughing at the pain that this horoscope must be causing you. Soon I will make love to her so passionately and vigorously that she will forget that you ever existed. She’s left you, mate. Move on.

To talk to your wife, call my Premium Hotline on (08001555186) (calls cost £4.50/min) On the plus side, you’ll win £10 on the Lottery this week.

Scorpio (24/10 - 22/11) Lucy Finnighan, issue 39, 2019.

Everyone says you’re a bitchy sign. To be honest I think you should make your star sign relate to you, not just stereoty…oh wait, yeah, the only Scorpio I knew was a massive bitch. Fuck you, I guess.

Sagittarius (23/11 – 21/12) Norris Ronson, issue 12, 2012.

Tiny, unimportant details could ruin your day if you are not vigilant. I really should’ve shredded those photos of me and Rupes.

Lucky Dinosaur: Rupert Murdoch Ophiuchus: (29/11 – 17/12) Lucy Finnighan, issue 38, 2018.

Fuck you Ophiuchus.

Dear Uncle Gaz, Issue 9, 2011 My best friend from childhood went to Lancaster University and I feel like we’re beginning to drift apart. To begin with, we kept in contact, and even met up a few times. We had a good laugh, like that time when we were five and she got stuck‐‐ I do not give a crap. Could not give one single crap. If I had a mountain of crap, a literal, steaming pile of crap, on my lawn, and someone offered to get rid of that crap if I would continue to listen to that story, I would not give that crap. I would keep that crap, in order to avoid having to endure more of this. Sever all ties with this friend so I never have to hear about this again.

After her several simultaneous relationships were exposed between the covers of The Lemon Press, Aunty Raz took early retirement. Unconfirmed reports suggest she joined YPJ, the allfemale militia unit, took part in the battle for Raqqa and is now solving people's problems with an AK-47. Brian Cantor still loves her.

Horoscopes & Agony Aunts

38

Nick Lunn: Burning copies of Where's Wally Lucy Purkis Charters: Gone back to France Brian C. Rap Yo yo yo it’s the notorious BC, VC massive of your university.

Haters gonna hate, but they don’t bother me.

They’re just jealous cos I’m drowning in money.

But it’s all spent for students, can’t you plebeians see?

So that’s my story, give some respect to your VC. And don’t watch that nasty Channel 4 documentary.

Excerpt from Durcan II: This Royal Throne of James, This Sceptred Uni This royal throne of James, this sceptred uni, This dearth of majesty, these awful bars, This other Eden, Nisa-paradise, This fortress built by Morrell for himself Against infection from those in the north, This unhappy breed of geese, this little world, This precious stone set on a dirty lake Which serves it in the office of a well Or as a moat destructive to a house, Against the envy of less happier schools, This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this uni, This nurse, this teeming womb of useless sabbs, Feared as they breed and famous for self-worth, Renownèd for non-deeds as far from home For non-denominational service and true bastardry As is the sepulchre in stubborn Heslington Of the world's ransom, blessèd YUSU’s son.

This land of such young souls, this dear, dear land, Dear for her ranking through league tables, Is now leased out - I die pronouncing it Like to a tenement on Tang Hall Lane.

York, bound in with the triumphant lake, Whose rocky shore beats back the envious siege Of watery fowl, is now bound in with shame, With inky blots and rotten tabloid bonds.

That uni that was wont to conquer others Hath made a shameful conquest of itself.

Lizzie Dearden

Myles Dunnett

First class travel is a necessity.

I’m the most pricey VC in the country But it don’t make me corrupt, I’m just bigging York up In the international community.

My private ski chalet, A chauffeur-driven car.

Long liquid lunches And propping up the bar.

First class flights and Luxury hotels.

Fees might be going up But I’ll be living well.

And this is all for you dear reader, It’s hard work for me To find ways to spend so much cash In aid of our uni.

Dulce et Decorum Est Bent double, like old beggars under deadlines, Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through JSTOR Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs And towards Wentworth College began to trudge.

Men marched asleep. Many had lost their notes But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind; Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots Of tired, outstripped scholars that dropped behind.

Essays! Essays! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling, Connecting the haggard laptops just in time; But someone still was yelling out and stumbling, And flound'ring like a man in dusty archive . . .

Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light, As in the cold Morrell, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace Through swamps of reading as thick as trenches mud My friend, you would not tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate scholarly glory, The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est Pro patria mori.

No one knows anyone in Wentworth because they are all dead.

Save yourselves.

Ellie Grana

Brian Cantor Brian Cantor, Spending all our money.

Brian Cantor, Bet he thinks he’s funny.

Brian Cantor, Renting out his ski resort.

Brian Cantor, Please don’t take The Lemon Press to court.

Ryan ‘Anonymous’ Fitzgerald Necessary Limerick There once was a chancellor: Koen, Who was offended by a poem, So offended was he, (It said: ‘uni for free!’)

That he forced the author to blow him.

Ode to a shorter-than-expected essay Make spacing one point five, Increase the margin size a bit, Make the font twelve point five Or maybe thirteen point. Nope, shit.

The Charge of the Rugby Team Half a team half a team, Half a team onward All in the basement of Ziggy’s Arrived the six hundred: ‘Forward, the Rugby Team!

Charge for the booze’, he said: Into the basement of Ziggy’s Rode the six hundred ‘Forward the Rugby Team!’

Was there a man dismay’d?

Not tho’ the player knew Some one had blunder’d: Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs was but to drink or die, Into the basement of Ziggy’s Rode the six hundred.

Rock to the right of them, R&B to the left of them, Pop above of them Pound’d and thunder’d; Storm’d they at drink and shots, Boldly they talked to girls well hot, Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of Sin Rode the six hundred.

Flash’d all their stomachs bare, Flash’d as they turned in air.

Sabring the ladies there, Charging footballers while All the club wonder’d: Plunged in the basement-smoke Right thro’ the line they broke; Barman and the queue Reel’d from the mass influx.

Shatter’d and chunder’d, Then they rode back, but not Not all the six hundred.

Lois Stone On the Subject of Free Speech Jon be nimble Jon be quick Jon van Kuijk’s a massive [censored]

Add some pointless footnotes And a second conclusion. Balls.

I know. I’ll pay some trustworthy blokes On an internet site to write it all.

Pay for a first - get value for money, Get a third or something funny.

Ryan Fitzgerald

39

Poetry

A short poem on the footer: Footer, footer, why do you ail me so?

Cole Smith: President of the IMF Kevin the Intern: Endless purgatory The Ballad of the Fresher The Fresher lay upon the floor, His head spun round and round; He’d drunk too many jägerbombs And now was on the ground.

The Fresher looked up at the sky And saw the many stars; He’d wobbled, slipped, and then he’d tripped, And landed on his arse.

The Fresher rolled and rolled about, And tried to gain his feet; Unsteadily he managed it, This drunken complex feat.

People Died For Your Right to Vote (and You Killed Them Personally) Once upon a time ago, Oh many men were slain, Mown down on a beach in Normandy, Brought low at El Alamein.

They did not die for national pride, Or to make the Nazis pay, They fell each one so you could vote, For Jezza, Tim or May.

Don Cheadle Don Cheadle, Don Cheadle, beadle of the people: You graced us as Miles Davis or as War Machine, so lethal.

With distinguished and dark chocolate frame, Crushed by the events of Marvel Civil War, Weathered by flawless acting to your name, You glide, waxen - effortlessly - across the wooden floor.

What is the secret to your vigor and appearance?

You attended professional waiting school - tell us, maybe some time, about that formative experience.

He’s dancing now, at Vanbrugh Bar, And waiting to be served; For it is Freshers’ Week, come on!

No need to be reserved.

You see your freedom matters not, For fascism’s just the same, As a world where you say ‘sod the lot’ And stay at home come polling day.

Non-voters hear my warning, You’re as bad as bad can be, You basically burned the Reichstag down, If you don’t choose you see?

There’s whats-her-name, the brunette girl, She’s living in his block; He smiles, looks about him and Promptly whips out his –

You voted for the Enabling Act, Invaded Poland with a smile, So grit your teeth you bastard, And suffer through the bile.

Don Cheadle, Don Cheadle, beadle of the people: Mahogany Emperor of Mediocrity, and a synonym for regal.

Ryan Fitzgerald

You might believe a bad choice, Is not a choice you fancy, But remember that if you don’t vote, Then you’re a fucking Nazi!

Louis Jani

The Citric Verses There once was a gay man from Iran, Who happened to drive a hotdog van.

His culture was structured, In a way that he lusted, For meats the imam said were Haram.

Ayatollah Khumeinilly Sonnet 18” Shall I compare thee to a real dick?

Thou art more lovely and more pleasing; Rough shakes you cause me, real quick, And the real thing oft needs more easing; Sometime too hot becomes my bedroom time, And so the power setting must be dimm’d; And every time to time battery declines, And time must be taken for you to be plugged in; But thy eternal power shall not fade, Nor by no boy need I be kiss’d; Nor a better sex toy shall e’r be made, When in eternal bedroom time thou exist; So long as I can breathe and you can please, So long as I have Duracell batteries Lois Stone Pansies are bright so are some daisies your breasts are so great they give me the crazies.

Peter Caporn

Tom Davies I’m not sure how you format a haiku thought the poet sexily The astronaut waved one last goodbye to earth and jumped off a bridge David Spriggs Clean and efficient — But be warned. The Prius is A silent killer.

Louis Jani

Now We are Ten When we were one, It just seemed like fun When we were two, Writing things that weren’t true, Three, four and five, How’s this rag still alive?

Six, seven, eight, Coz our jokes are so great?

Then we turned nine, Someone pass me the wine, Because now we are ten, Though it’s not big or clever, We’ll make puns about ducks, Forever and ever

You have a career average metacritic score of 60 (trust me I took a gander).

If you put on some weight you'd make a decent biopic of Robert Mugabe, if Hollywood hadn't typecast you as an African in Hotel Rwanda.

It’s Only Words It was like the boy was in italics There was something about him that made him Stand out. He underlined himself and myself.

Made me bold. Gave me words from a font of knowledge A different way of looking at things And his way was justified.

They said he was my type – and for once They were right – And I no longer felt on the margins Of society, looking in. I felt like there was a plot, an idea From history, strong – old but innovative Time’s New Roman.

Sairah Rehman

IMPACT POETRY: A NIGHT TO FORGET The beauty of life, caught between two worlds A world of darkness and light Of crackers, of alcohol, of a sticky floor (And inexplicably, smoke) The small man gyrating alone Is this life?

A small microcosm of existence, Between my skin and my sweat It beads, the room dances as I dance The music cries into my ears because there are Too many people in this room Too dark, a woman falls over The bouncer’s t­shirt is too tight, And the next day, my hand imprinted with the sign I <3 Willow.

SAIRAH REHMAN

A. A. Lemon Press Writer

Footer, footer, I wish you'd go. When I see you, I cast my eyes low.

Poetry

40

Editors' Parents: Disappointed Editors' Partners: Disappointed

TLP XL Special Review: Pressers Pressed and Press‐ent

Joe James Regan I think I speak for all Lemons when I say that the original Uber-Fuhrer who birthed the mag is the most important deity in the TLP pantheon.

It was his dank, depraved, and drunk Godhead that begat this rancid rag and the legacy of a thousand snarky dickheads congratulating themselves on reporting fictional events. Truly TLP is an altar to his word, and an artifact of his sins.

Dave Walker Dave is perhaps the only OG Presser I properly talked to during my earliest TLP years when I bumped into him at a bar and got onto the conversation of satire. Waited five minutes before humbly admitting to being a founding member. Helped churn out this mag and then fucked off to Vietnam to raise child soldiers or something. Bought me a Tom Collins.

Decent bloke.

Arthur Pitt I once was in Dusk chatting to some lasses and they asked if I was in any societies. I said I was in TLP and then in unison they said ‘Arthur Pitt is fucking fit! Bring back Arthur Pitt!’. I did not get either of their numbers.

Thanks Arthur.

Jamie/Ellen Gallimore They were in TLP and then they dated or something and now they're married and effectively one entity within the Lemon pantheon. This is the sublime reality that Joe Regan made for us all. Man, woman, nonbinary, anyone, everyone, all are one in Lemon.

Cieran Douglass Cieran is an entity that existed entirely in rumour. Some say he was the computer whiz who wrought the website from bits of copper piping and balsa wood. Others say he provided the society with bootleg Mexican copies of InDesign paid for with blood diamonds. Others say he is in fact a hivemind of man and feline.

Rosa Wright Rosa once emailed me telling me to come to a TLP meeting and then within 12 hours I had drank £20 worth of Hull Road wine and woke up as a section editor. She once also told a lass from Hardzine she'd batter them at a York Media awards evening.

Her true power level is currently unknown, although she is reported to have slain over 20 opponents in the Salford poetry scene.

Tim Godfrey If Rosa was the Yin then Tim was the Yang. Maybe. Maybe it's more of a Kebab and 4-Pack Of Stella duality.

Tim would drink anything, beer, spirits, acetone, the sweat of a dying octogenarian.

He would fuck anything, woman, man, animal, plant, mineral, Siri. And yet he never deviated from dressing in only the

41

most refined suits money could buy.

Truly he put the gyne into misogynist. Wait, no, the other way round.

Lois Stone Two times chair of TLP, Lois ‘D.C.'s Most Lethal’ Stone led the magazine with an iron, uh, Stone fist. Dreams, hopes, offensive tweets, they would be all dashed by Lois. Lois sacked off satire after leaving York because it's dumb and for fucking losers so now they host one of the most influential podcasts about cryptids of our time, Cryptid Zone.

James Lovatt/Kris Cheshire Listed as a singular entry because they, together as the sports editing team of their time, are the only people in the history of the publication to actually write about sports and make it funny. Never happened before, never happened since. Regan Giveth, Regan Taketh.

Tom AC World's most insufferable human being. Absolutely deadly funny in the written form, borderline psychopath in person. Once lamped a bloke outside Mansion, then went onto to become York's most infamous media personality. Suspended twice from Uni, current whereabouts unknown.

Made absolutely banging food.

Tom Davies Tory. Libertarian. Liberal. Communist.

Thinker. Dreamer. Prolific writer. Fox lover. Editor. Asleep. Grifter. Student.

Doleman. All of these words can be used to describe Tom Davies for at least a single portion of his existence.

Much like the moon, and indeed Optimus Prime, he appears and disappears from the Uni of York, and with it TLP. Believed to be encrusted onto the underbelly of the politics department in a PhD. Sophie Gadd Former TLP Ed turned BuzzFeed employee turned Lego Videographer, it's certainly easy for me to forget Gadd used to just make one liners and wear brogues. Now, with a Twitter influence in the thousands, she could have you fucking buried mate.

Billy Blake Former TLP Ed turned NFTS student turned Lego video games developer, it's certainly difficult to forget how massive Billy's hands were. I remember vividly being sat in his car as he described how, in a fit of drunken rage, he strangled his housemate and had to lay low. Now, with a credit in Lego DC Villains, he will probably bury himself into a grave with his huge spade hands.

Ananna Zaman Ananna was TLP secretary and also Women's Officer at the same time, so when Breitbart did a hit piece on her the first recorded mobilisation of Lemon info-warriors occurred.

Alemni Submissions

Literally thousands of memes were deployed to drown out the event page of Milo's visit to York, resulting in the deletion of the event and retreat of the organisers from social media. It was an Info War of sorts, except we didn't sell pills to make your dingus longer. That said, Ananna hosted some killer BDSM themed parties.

Gabriel Bramley Bramoli joined TLP after eating three whole lemons in The Courtyard and thought that was enough to make new friends. He used to have cabbage scented sweat that made lay-up unbearable. He drank four pints of Old Rosie on an empty stomach at York Media awards and threw up the prawn heads he neknominated himself to eat. But before he left university he got swole, lost all his body fat, became sweet scented, and turned into a chiselled sex god. Three years of TLP work better than those fucking InfoWars health supplements.

Louis Jani Louis cracked the Labour egg ritual scandal and ascended to another dimension. Literally never seen him since but I still have recurring dreams about Ken Livingstone in egg form screaming at me from the lowest pits of hell.

Callum Sharp Under Callum's chairdom TLP arguably had the biggest BDE ever recorded, because Callum himself has the biggest organ ever known to TLP science. Sealed a deal with URY and somehow got us on the real person airwaves. Once pissed in a bin and didn't even apologise. Infamously stripped on stage at the Student Publication Association National Conference awards ceremony and was papped topless by people from across the country.

Ben Walker We once elected a dysfunctional anarcho-communist for numerous positions and like the fucking mess he is he absolutely gaffed it on every front, demonstrating that TLP should never be above electoral fraud. First social he organised was a curry meal that he was an hour late to. Fucking layabout.

Gregory Waddell Greg was proof TLP has gone too far.

TLP enabled a man with a predilection for plane crashes and whales scalping women to have a platform to discuss video games, and now everyone thinks he's joking about murder. He is now a hotel night auditor and frankly I am waiting for the bodies to start appearing.

Leusa Lloyd I remember Leusa coming up to me after the very first meeting of her freshers year and telling me that she can't write anything funny but really wants to get involved, even if it's not

writing. She then spent three years getting involved and not writing, but instead slowly, bit by bit, revealing she's a Welsh Nationalist 9/11 Truther whose mother once spray painted horse shit to make her believe Santa's reindeer had visited.

Myles Dunnett Myles entered TLP as a nervous wreck, and, after becoming editor and then chair and then editor again, is going to leave as an even more nervous wreck. However, he looks like a fucking Chad god with aviators on and now lives, shits, and breathes absurdist satire like a true heir to Joe Regan.

Taghreed Ayaz TLP's national anthem over the years has unequivocally become Foster The People's ‘Pumped Up Kicks’. Imagine the atmosphere when Taghreed showed up to elections in a lemon print dress with a gun. I still don't know if the pistol was real but that was the closest we got to doing a Jonestown. Well, maybe a Waco.

Henry Dyer Perennial shitposter who managed to get TLP sponsored by the Church of England. To call him a ‘savant’ would be offensive to savants worldwide who don't want to be associated with a man who hasn't stopped referencing the plane scene from Batman, even after being editor twice and being threatened to have his skull caved in.

Izzy Palmer In one of her Letters from the Editor she offered campus the ability to vote to drown her. Literally nobody responded and now she's in Canada eating chips and cheese or whatever the fuck one does in Canada after trying to democratically sanction your death.

Me I hold the spurious title of being the longest serving continuous contributor to this cursed mag and I hate myself more than you could imagine. I'm gonna hire a guy off the deep web to scrub my name from all TLP-related media after my PhD viva.

See you all in hell.

In all seriousness, thank you to ALL Lemons, past present and future, for making something truly transcendent. Together you have collectively plugged a gap in not only the campus media sphere but, with increasing frequency, the national consciousness too.

We have become a living avatar of the kid sneering at the back of the class, of standing outside the tent pissing in, and of high grade narcotics induced avant garde political metaphilosophy.

Citrea Est. Fill The Void With Slander.

Pasky Miranda

I didn't say it would be a good poem.

Will Rowan: Editing the next edition (probably) Hal Bowden: Disappeared

Club Zest As an alumnus of the student media world, I’m often asked, ‘Why the hell are you back on campus?’ I’m also asked, ‘Where was the best place for a good night out in York?’ Contrary to the view of Will O’Harper, there was no other better venue in York for those wanting a cold drink and a good laugh than Club Zest.

Take a stroll down Marvin Drury Lane just after nine o’clock, making sure to toss a few coins to Beardy Walker on your way, and sure enough, Club Zest would be waiting for you. I remember seeing Club Zest’s motto, ‘Be liberal with libel,’ for the first time, freshly chiselled into the grand wooden door by the booze barons Blake and Roper. Passing by the bouncer, Two-Guns Taghreed, you’d be drawn into the building by the smell of freshly cut lemons.

Before you was a sea of oak tables and chairs, sofas and lounges. At opposite ends were a bar and the stage, where the house band would entertain us on most nights. The walls were coated in a powerful yellow, which, the manager assured us, would never be mimicked by the menus. Text on yellow: what a ludicrous thought!

The manager of Club Zest was named Pasky, a stalwart clubber, weasel wrestler, and bearded alcoholic. Quite correctly, he fancied himself as an everyman, having held every job within Club Yellow, from cleaning out the loos to being compere at the occasional comedy nights there.

Almost every job, that is: Pasky reported to the owner of the premises, Mr. Dunnett, a slick and slippery businessman possessed by combination of cynicism and republicanism. He could be seen each night, always looking resplendent in a finely-tailored suit, watching over his property from the gallery above us all.

Manning the bar below that gallery was Lewd Miss Leusa, a pleasant old crone with a knowledge of astrology. She may have washed our glasses with a filthy, dishevelled old rag (Nouse), but with the wonderful cocktails she produced came a free palm reading.

Club Zest was frequented by many a strange character, the strangest being a local priest. Father Dyer was a shy, gentle man, but he would always be zipping around and making sure that every patron was having a good time. We all remember his warmth and kindness; he never had a bad word to say about anyone.

It was a bout of rotten luck if you found yourself at a table with BrigadierGeneral Davies. Aged 47, he’d held fifty jobs in York, he’d set a world record for

the long jump, he had connections in every industry, he held life membership of the Round Table and he’d been part of the Brexit negotiations from the start... or so he’d tell you after one too many pints.

Brigadier-General Davies was not the only one to linger in a dark corner, hidden under a flat cap. Hunter Clay was one to tell a tall tale or two, namely about his adventures as a missionary, the coming apocalypse and the nutritional benefits of citrus fruits from Cyprus.

In the corner of the bar was a musty old pool table. Under that table in a cardboard box slept Giles Beelzebub, a local hermit, who had for some time been jobless following an unsuccessful stint as an architect. Yorker Minster was his downfall. He would spend his days in Club Zest, sometimes recording the scores for the games of pool and of darts. For many years, a portrait of Chris Fool, a local magician with a talent for making media regulations appear out of thin air, was the dartboard.

Like any bar, Club Zest had seen its fair share of undesirables. The proprietor maintained a strict list of those unwelcome on the premises: Alex Blustery, for example, barred for ‘joining the establishment’; the parents of the York Tories for ‘getting carried away and doing something we’d all later regret’; Jonathan van Kuijk barred for ‘being Jonathan van Kuijk’; and Dean Bennell barred for ‘you-know-what’.

If you wanted a meal, there was no greater a chef in York than Club Zest’s resident culinary maestro, Chef Gabriel Bramoli. It was regrettable that he strangled so many of his assistants, but it was all for a good cause. The contents of each plate would be thoroughly inspected by a young, beautiful French critic and then brought to the table by a well-spoken, bespectacled redhead; the hair of both would glow eerily in the dark.

Other patrons were just there to listen to the house band, Callum and the Sharps, whose numbers were punctuated by the eclectic solos of their stark naked organist and crucifix enthusiast, Greg Waddell. The band employed a neat trick of having two frontmen named Callum. While one Callum was gearing the crowd up for an exciting, the other Callum would recline at a private booth, reading copies of the Sun. It is only now, when I live in another city, that I realise that I should have visited Club Zest earlier in my time in York. There were interesting people, stimulating discussions, and an unbelievable volume of slander. Long may it continue.

Jack Harvey

Alemni: Where Are They Now?

What does the future hold for Lemon Press staffers? Follow some of our previous editors and see what they are up to RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. Lynn Branden

Mason Eleanor

Dean Charles

7am

Already at the office. Breakfast of overnight oats and a fruit consumed around the first email sift of the day; helps to keep total cholesterol levels down to a respectable 4mmol/L.

Wakes to the sound of Morning Flower. Snoozes twice, ten minutes apiece. Resolves to change alarm time and ringtone later. Dozes for another hour before cycling to campus.

Stumbles out of the flat looking presentable enough. Stumbles onto the commuter train.

Stumbles into the crowded vestibule. Stumbles into someone every time the train jerks.

11am

Waits at court for case to be heard. Client accused of attacking homeless man with a sword. Not guilty plea entered, trial adjourned; bail granted on the condition that the client stays away from Tang Hall. Files paperwork.

Remains entrenched in corner of the JB Morrell.

Makes copious, barely legible notes. Waits impatiently for Q40.1 HAL to return to Key Texts. Considers complaint, as four-hour loan period has lapsed by two days.

Attends steering group. Tunes out first and last 10 mins of chat about arrest of ex-colleague.

Makes agreeable contributions at acceptable intervals. Returns with four lines of notes in the first page of a new notebook.

3pm

Consumes late lunch – jacket potato, no butter, no topping – and works through case notes.

Clerk enquires about attendance at station to represent an existing client; interview set at 6pm. Terse spousal call; another late dinner, another late night.

Teaches seminar on Anglo-Saxon technological hoplology then meets with stand-in supervisor.

No red corrections, same vague criticisms, distant look in the eye; the new chapter remains unread. Returns crestfallen to the library.

7pm

Police interview commences with existing client. Reaffirms previous suspicion of guilt, but advises client not to make any comment.

Privately rebukes him for committing the same offence again. Checks unread texts then takes the long way home.

Considers changing topic of thesis again despite being five years into a doctorate on swords in Anglo-Saxon literature, mythology and culture.

Consumes an unbranded sandwich from Nisa – egg mayo – and marks undergrad papers. Mostly 2:1s.

Helps canvas area with leaflets destined for recycling, or worse, general waste. Fields complaint about potholes; insists it will be followed up but does not take details. Heads back to the offices for a sub-committee committee working group meeting. .Returns home thirty minutes ahead of wife.

10p m

Picks at passive-aggressive leftovers. Flicks restlessly through the channels; settles on 15 minutes of Time Team before bed. Partner is awake but pretends to be asleep; loud silences broken only by even louder exhales.

Winds down by watching the latest episode of Vikings and highlighting the historical inaccuracies and artistic liberties for all 87 Twitter followers. Marks more essays with diminishing accuracy then retires to bed.

Agonises over tomorrow's wardrobe; retrieves a shirt worn two days ago from the floor. Irons the front and resolves to wear a blazer all day. Leaves the iron and ironing board out ahead of tomorrow evening.

2am

Roused by the sound of shrill howling. Takes care not to disturb the other half; disturbs them nonetheless. Penance in the form of nocturnal night feeds.

Dreams sweet dreams of a research post. Five hours until the reality of post-doctoral life begins to dawn once more with the sound of Morning Flower.

Stares at the ceiling for another hour wondering how to afford that three-bed with a child on the way and a wedding that still hasn't been paid off.

Look out! Behind you! It's Jack Dorsey!

Masturbates with heightened sense of urgency.

Re-mutes laptop. Washes hands thoroughly with supermarket brand antibacterial handwash before making a start on dinner; reheated lasagne and salad.

Craig Dobson

Alemni Submissions

42

Alfie Gerzimbke: Pickle farmer Lara Medlam: Pickle eater

GL OR IOU S L E A DE R S Lord Murdog Lord Murdog is the proprietor of The Lemon Press's parent corporation, Citrus Media Group (CMG), amongst a number of other business interests. For many years he wrote a regular and fairly abusive 'address to the scum' through a column in The Lemon Press, though his relationship with the editors was rarely warm.

Following allegations ranging from phone hacking to murder to indecent exposure, Murdog faked his own death, only to return when he discovered that he needed more money. Kept in close contact with President Dunnett, with whom he felt a certain kinship: perhaps the only friend he ever had that he didn't buy.

Fate: on his retirement yacht.

Chairman Cal' the First Chairman Cal' the First, otherwise known as Callum Gearing, was the first of The Lemon Press's powerful Communistic dictators. He ruled with an iron first and an iron lung. His voice was loud, but his shirts were louder: Gearing was a man with a very clear idea of what he wanted from his underlings, though no one else ever found out what that idea actually was. Fate: missing, presumed dead.

Chairman Cal' the Second The second Chairman Cal' was a powerful as the first, but without the remaining shreds of humanity possesed by his predecessor.

Following a period of turbulence that led to Gearing's removal, Chairman Cal' the Second seized power. Callum Sharp, as he was known to no one, led the society through a period of glorious expansion and ruthless territorial acquisition. His reign was so brutal that few from that era now remain, with those that do scarred beyond any repair. Those that reign in terror, however, fall similarly: Sharp was deposed by an ostensibly 'democratic' leader whose rule turned out to be as bad, if not worse, than his own. Fate: missing, presumed Japanese.

President Myles Cameron Dunnett (Chairman Cam') President Dunnett led an overhaul of ideology in The Lemon Press.

State propaganda expanded beyond the printing press to online dominions and multimedia in order to further the business aims of his partner, Lord Murdog. With an authoritarian grip on power, Chairman Cam relished the power he wielded but was eventually forced to give way to the winds of the change.

Fate: missing, presumed Polo model.

Lord General Dr Reverend Clay Following the fall of President Dunnett, Right Reverend Harry Clay, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias, Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, amongst other things, was a cult leader who took over The Lemon Press. The society took a decidedly dark turn under his leadership, with a return to the early days of ritual sacrifices and dark magic. Whilst his reign is not officially over, he has not been seen for weeks, and will likely return in a new and even worse form. Fate: unknown.

Illustrations: Sid Leigh (Lord Murdog & President Dunnett); Holly Palmer (Rev'd Clay); Characters L to R: Myles Dunnett, Callum Gearing (as Chair), Callum Sharp (as Chair), Myles Dunnett (as Chair), Harry Clay (as Chair); Text/design: Myles Dunnett

43

Deep Lore: Leaders

For 10 years of glorious leaders find...

Chay Quinn: Technically Mark Matthews: Adrift on an icecap

Which ScuzzFeed Article Would You Be if You Were a ScuzzFeed Article Gazza Smallmember, Staff Writer and Angst Monitor, with John Wankman, Nik L'ilpendage, Yam Asereht, and Jemima O'Spunkwaste Do you want to take a quiz where you find out what article you would be if you were indeed an article and not indeed a human? If so, this is the perfect quiz for you, because in this quiz you can discover what article you would be if you were an article an not a human! Wow!

3. What is your idea of a perfect date? a. A hunky ScuzzFeed writer of course! b. I'm happy as long as they're not too weird and reasonably attractive. c. The 52nd of December. d. Bernie Sanders dressed as Mulan.

1. What is your favourite way to spend your time? a. Reading ScuzzFeed articles lol. b. Normal things I guess. c. Considering the void. d. Thinking about the similarities between Bernie Sanders and Disney Princesses.

4. What did you do last weekend? a. I stood outside of ScuzzFeed headquarters waiting for someone to appear so I could get an autograph! b. Had some friends round, went to the pub, light dogging, normal stuff. c. I was asleep. d. I photoshopped Bernie Sanders' face onto Cinderella's face and sent it to everyone I know.

2. Have you ever killed an owl for fun? a. Oh hell yes! b. Are you insane? c. No, I'm too busy killing my family for fun. d. Only when I run over one because I'm distracted by all of the similarities between Bernie Sanders, junior United States Senator from Vermont, and various Disney princesses.

5. How often do you read ScuzzFeed? a. Every. Single. Day. I love ScuzzFeed! b. I've literally never heard of it before. c. When I have a gap in my schedule between torturing puppies and screaming unceasingly. d. Very rarely, unless the article is about Bernie Sanders and Belle.

6.Would you like a fifth option to any of these

questions? a. No. b. I don't care. c. No. d. No. Unless it specifically relates to Bernie Sanders and Disney Princesses. e. Yes, the others are all weird.

Results: Mostly a: This article is the perfect ScuzzFeed article for you!

Mostly b: 'Top Ten Things to Do After Exams'

by Pasky Miranda in issue 24!

Mostly c: 'Great Ways to Stave Off the All‐ Consuming Existential Angst for Just Five More Minutes' by Myles Dunnett in issue 32!

Mostly d: Wow! 'Six Disney Princesses Re‐ Imagined as Bernie Sanders' Facial Expressions' in issue 28 is a must see for you! ﴾See below﴿ Mostly e: ScuzzFeed really isn't for you.

Cinderella

Ten Things I Find Phobic 1. The Moon ‐ I have not walked on it, I have been excluded from lunar exploits, and so it is phobic.

2. One Member, One Vote ‐ This dares to suggest I am equal to people; people are disgusting and inferior, this motion excludes me from holding a sense of rightful superiority, and so it is phobic.

3. Lunch Deals ‐ I do not always find my favourite sandwich within the available selection, I am unable to fully enjoy the lunch I have purchased, and so it is phobic.

4. IMDb ‐ I know I was the lead actor of Punch Drunk Love, IMDb says I am not Adam Sandler and I

am a liar for saying I starred as the lead in the film, and in excluding me from my Oscar nomination, and so it is phobic.

5. Masters of Ceremony ‐ When they say ‘Good evening’ to crowds they exclude an explicit greeting to me personally, and so they are phobic.

6. The Declaration of Independence ‐ The guards at the National Archives Building in Washington, D.C. did not allow me to sign my name on the original document to show I have approval to the declaration, this excludes me from being a signatory to this

... old editions at issuu.com/thelemonpress

historic document, and so it is phobic.

7. New Zealand's New Flag Proposal Committee ‐ They excluded my flag proposal, which was a picture of me sitting in a boat inside the docks of Great Yarmouth, they say it is not related to the identity of New Zealand, and so it is phobic.

8. Democracy ‐ Democracy means that everyone has a say in making decisions, not everyone is me, and so it is phobic.

9. Palindromes ‐ Under the current definition my name is excluded from being a palindrome as it is

Belle

Jasmine

Ariel

Myles Dunnett not the same word when read backwards as it is when read forwards; I want this definition dropped so I can say my name is a palindrome and impress people, and so it is phobic.

10. Great Yarmouth Town Council ‐ They have jammed me from launching my boat off the port's jetty after I blocked a Coastguard rescue boat from launching and saving a sinking ship's crew; fourteen people may have died but more importantly they have excluded me, and so it is phobic.

Callum Gearing, issue 28, 2016

Deep Lore: ScuzzFeed

44

Derwent first­years: Hopefully not terrible Derwent third­years: Terrible

45

Deep Lore: Rivals

That's all for now folks!

Fuckity­bye. Be wonderful to each other. Or else.

Arms, Vanbrugh. See V-Bar. Bantor, Brian. See Cantor, Brian.

Cantor, Brian. Former vicechancellor of the University of York, before becoming King Swag Lord at the University of Ladford. Took a collection of koala skins and the Campus Yacht.

Censors, YUSU's. Gobsmackingly attractive, and here's £10 - get yourself something nice.

Checkmate. The finest motion picture ever created by any civilisation in the known universe. YSTV's magnum opus.

Followed up by unsuccessful sequel, KingMe. Now part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Coles, Bill. Former Sun journalist, now shark tooth merchant and Headmaster of the Bill Coles School of Charm. Hobbies include extreme picnicing and paying Etonians.

Dad, Pterodactyl. See Lad, Pterodactyl.

Defamation. See Lawyers, Our. Diamond, Blood. See Ngwena, Tim. Druce, Stephen Philip.

Shropshire-based writer who kept on sending content to TLP despite having never attended the university. Eventually interviewed by a reporter. Yet to be interviewed by local constabulary over the depraved borderline blasphemous content of his writings.

Duck, Arbitrary Party.

Unsuccessful YUSU Presidential candidate and failed Member of Parliament. Promoted TLP's

website from the very beginning. Cover girl for issue 3.

Duck, Aromatic Party. Tastier cousin of Arbitrary Party Duck.

Eaten, believed dead.

Deeps, Has'san, drifter of the.

Heslington Village based merchant specialising in potions and remedies. Commissioned to provide an area of balance in TLP. Elders, Great. Mythical founders of TLP whose intellect, wit, beauty, length, and girth knew no bounds. Lost to time, assumed to have ascended to a higher plane, or perhaps to a Jobcentre Plus.

Editors, The Lemon Press.

Humble vessels into which hardworking satirists pour the fruit of their labours. Part-time pits of human despair. Very good looking. Totally devoid of empathy and joy. Cynical to their feet. Doomed to die in loneliness and grief. But very, very good looking.

Editors, Wikipedia. Irritating nosey bastards who removed TLP's page for being irrelvant.

Eye, Brass. Gold-standard satire created by Chris Morris.

Paedogeddon remains on the official reading list.

Eye, Private. Satirical periodical which editors over the years have nicked ideas from. Private Eye has also published several gags The Lemon Press did first, so who knows...

Greg, Tinhat. Conspiracy theorist and frequent contributor to the magazine.

Horses, Tiny. Scientific marvel exclusively covered in The Lemon Press. Sadly lost in an accident with the Cursed Oven.

House, Grimston. See Convention, Geneva.

InDesign, Dodgy Mexican Copy of. Former tool of choice for laying up the magazine.

Chronically virus-ridden.

Intern, Kevin the. Last seen on

See you space cowboy.

the side of a milk carton, the magazine's much abused intrepid trainee reporter sent despatches from across the world. Thankfully, capable of resurrection, and still on unpaid work experience.

Journalism, Ethics in Gaming.

Rich seams of this rare substance can be found in the magazine, which has for many years offered the finest gaming coverage in the world. Well, better than Nouse, at least.

Lad, Pterodactyl. Now known as Pterodactyl Dad, this pterodactyl skreeed and gawk'd his way through multiple issues before settling down and playing ball with his son.

Lamberts, Koen. Former vicechancellor hailing from Belgium, Lamberts did little of any memorable relevance to TLP. World record holder for owner of most spinny chairs.

Loans, Student. See Drink, Wasted on.

Loans, Game of. Longstanding TLP feature that gave a unique insight into the university's senior management. Remains unfinished, just like its cousin, Game of Thrones.

Merchant. See Deeps, Has'san, drifter of the.

Ngwena, Tim. Two-time YUSU President grown in a bonzai pot that was gifted a blood diamond

by TLP in issue 4. Fate unknown.

NOICE. Arts and culture magazine. Kidding, it's just about drugs, sorry, investigative features into drugs. Huge budget.

Nouse. The university's longest running society, and its smuggest. Otherwise known as Izvestia. Normally so dull it's not worth factchecking. Used as a pressure valve for PPE students' bland and unoriginal opinions.

Oven, Cursed. Released into the world by mistake in a ScuzzFeed feature about Idi Amin. Believed to be responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths.

Extremely powerful.

Onion, Students'. See Union, University of York Students' (YUSU).

Point, Vantage. The second best motion picture ever created.

Like Kurosawa's Rashomon, but much better, because it's in colour and in English.

Press, The Lemon. On the cusp of coherence, filling the void with slander, giving odd students something to do with their time.

Now in its tenth year!

Responsible for zero fatalities but several alcohol addictions and citric acid poisonings.

Presstival. DO NOT SPEAK OF PRESSTIVAL. Satire. The highest calling of all.

Savile, Jimmy. Paedophile and wizard according to seminal documentary Was Jimmy Savile a Wizard?

ScuzzFeed. Clickbait journalism brought to the printed word.

Formerly staffed by clones of John Hurt, RIP. Students. Dear readers. Also, wankers.

Students, National Union of.

Generous benefactors of The Lemon Press's only proper national award to date. Now going bankrupt having completed its purpose.

Taylor, Kallum. Cereal enthusiast and serial scarf owner. Now a Labour councillor for Holgate, York. Not believed to have any swords in his possession.

Union, University of York Students' (YUSU). Proof that socialism will never work and of the concept of entropy.

University, York. See Canada.

Vision, York. The UK's (fourth) most awarded student newspaper.

York, University of. Educational establishment of choice for unloved children and Oxbridge rejects alike. Begrudgingly, home to The Lemon Press.

You. A real hottie! Ring me xoxo.

New reader or loyal follower, hopefully entertained. With best wishes for your future.

Reference Guide

46

LOOK WHERE OUR CONTRIBUTORS ARE NOW! HMP Wandsworth

HMP Durham

HMP Pentonville

HMP Belmarsh

Aidan Quigley Alastair Dunstan Alex Andrews Alex Bassick Alex Campbell Alex Gannon Alex Hogbben Alex Lusty Alex Radford Alex Reynolds Alex Russell Alexander Allison Alexandra Craven Alfie Gerzimbke Alfie Packham Alistair Clarke Allegra Mullan Ananna Zaman Andy Brown Andy Iszatt Arthur Pitt Ashvini Rae Bella Hall Ben Burton Ben Turner Ben Walker Billy Blake Branden Lynn Bryony Holleran Callum Gearing Callum Shannon Callum Sharp Caroline Middleton Catriona Sharples Charles Deane Charlie Cayzer Chay Quinn Chirag Vadhia Chris Burgess Chris Button Chris Small Cieran Douglass Clara Colombet Clement Wee Cole Smith Connie Blach Craig Dobson Dan McKinnon Dan Perry

Dave Hughes Dave Walker David Spriggs Dean Bennell Dexter Ford Dexter Tilley Doina Cressevich Dom Starke Dominic Mantle Dominic Payne Durrah Afyouni Edmund Wellington Edward Francis Edward Greenwood Eleanor Mason Elisa Wubs Ellen Larson Ellie Curtis Ellie Grana Elliot Gresswell Emily Beber Emma Ayre Emma Green Florence Grant Frankie Drummond Gabriel Bramley Gareth Frank George Nanidis Giles Beattie Gregory Waddell Hal Bowden Harry Clay Harry Jinks Hayley Fairclough Heidi Fearns Henry Dyer Holly Palmer Huw Randall­Smith Izzy Palmer Jack Alexander Jack Harvey Jack Lawrence Jack Mounser Jack Stanley Jack Williams Jacob Phillips Jake Firestone Jake Harvey Jake Roper

James Fawthrop James Lovatt James Luck Jamie Gallimore Jason Savage Jelle Vinkenoog Jess Jackson Jimmy Woodman Joe Regan Johannes Huber Jonathan Legrand Jonathon Cridford Joseph Williams Karl Tomusk Kathryn Sandercock Kieran Wood Kris Cheshire Lara Medlam Laura Garner Leusa Lloyd Lewis Crook Lizzie Dearden Lois Stone Louis Jani Louis Lyle Lucy Finnighan Lucy Purkis Charters Luisa Hohmann Maia Bates Mandi Madavo Mark Matthews Marvin Drury Matt Harwood Max Hinchley Melissa Von Schmitt Michael Davies Michael Peel Mimzi Ross­Jackson Morgan Barker­ Thorne Myles Dunnett Nam Shatil Nathan Blades Nicholas Saul Nick Lunn Oli Carr Oli Maddison

Oliver Jordan Oliver Rea Olivia Waring Oscar Burton Xi Ottaline Wallace Pasky Miranda Perkin Amalaraj Peter Caporn Rachael Healy Rebecca Zack Rob Brett Rob Middleton Rory Burns Rosa Hansell Rosa Wright Ryan Fitzgerald Sairah Rehman Samuel Goodall Samuel Partridge Sarah Jeffery Sean Bossick Sid Leigh Sioned Gill Sophie Gadd Sophie Rudge Stella Kiratzi Stephen Harper Stephen Philip Druce Taghreed Ayaz Thomas Crawford Tim Godfrey Tom Armston­Clarke Tom Butler Tom Cook Tom Davies Tom Fennelly Tom Henwood Tom Keefe Tom Kelsey Tom Lansdale Tom Mumford Tom Taylor Tom Willett Vicky Proctor Wesley Parkinson Will Carne Will Manners Will Rowan

The Lemon Press: The First Ten Years