The Lemon Press – Issue 19

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Breaking News: Zombie Chavs overrun Tang Hall

From the Editors

Dear Loyal Readers,

It is with a heavy heart that we write this letter, as it is our last edition of The Lemon Press… That’s how we

were going to open this letter. Unfortunately this will not be the case. We have both decided that we don’t want to leave because we’re having far too much fun.

We simply cannot bear the thought of never doing another 15 hour library session again. Therefore it is here that Tom and I are revealing the details our coup to take over the magazine forever.

We are currently holed up in The Harry Fairhurst and are refusing to leave until we are confirmed as the permanent leaders of this fine publication. The vending machine is providing us with sustenance so we’ve been living off Kit Kats for the last week. We now sleep in the magic cube chairs and take it in turns to watch out for the library police. They confiscated our iPads on Wednesday, but we struggle on.

If you support our campaign to dominate The Lemon Press for all eternity please sign our Change.org petition ‘DAVIES & GADD 4 LP 4 LYF’. Alternately you can come and bring parcels of money and biscuits (preferably HobNobs. None of that cheap Nisa filth) to our Haz Faz stronghold.

YUSU representatives have suggested that our campaign is unfair and “against the rules” and that societies “must be democratic”. Well, we don’t believe this and we will fight against our oppressive masters until the death (until we run out of money). Viva la revolution!

Much love, Sophie and Tom xxx

Contents

p3

Campus

pp4-9

News and Politics

pp10-16

Science and Technology

p17

Lifestyle

pp18-19

Arts

p20

Features

pp21-25

Sport

pp26-29

Poetry

p30

Puzzles

p31

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Tom Davies and Sophie Gadd Deputy Editors: Alex Bassick and Jake Roper Campus Editors: Tom Murray & Eleanor Mason News and Politics Editors: Sean Bossick & Billy Blake Lifestyle Editors: Ellie Curtis & Laura Garner Science & Technology: Branden Lynn Arts Editor/Layout Goddess: Alexandra Craven Sports Editors: James Lovatt & Kris Cheshire Web Master Flash: Chirag Vadhia Man behind the masky: Pasky Pasky Pasky Special thanks to our contributers: Oli Carr, Will Carne, Jack Alexander, James Luck Chair: Lois Stone Treasurer: Jake Roper Secretary: Alex Bassick Email us your lols: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Contents

03

North Korean labour camps ‘not that bad’

Heath Centre Introduces New Appointment System

Rumours of York University Fight Club

The University’s Health Centre launched its new Battle Royale system this week to replace its much-criticised ‘stay and wait’ service.

Under the new system, patients queued outside the Health Centre at 8.30 on a weekday will be required to fight each other in order to see a doctor. The last patient standing will be the first treated. Patients arriving later will also be entitled to challenge anybody in the waiting room to try and secure a better position in line.

The system is expected to greatly improve the efficiency of the service. “The strongest patients, who have the best chance of surviving and can be treated most easily, are dealt with first and ease the strain on the system”, explained a spokesman for the Health Centre.

“Meanwhile those whose illnesses are expensive or take a long time to cure can be taken out of the system without needing to use valuable resources.”

“Traditional appointments will of course still be available, but they will remain limited and students will have to wait for them. As a concession, these appointments will be accompanied by a free ‘walk it off’ service.” This follows a trend stiff-upper-lip encouragement in North Yorkshire health care, with York Hospital placing numerous “Man Up!” and “Chill Out!” posters in the Intensive Care Unit and Burns Unit respectively.

Word has recently circulated amongst the rougher elements of campus (sources differ as to whether this refers to the Chess Society or KnitSoc) that a ‘fight club’ has been established in Heslington.

Archaeology Society were initially suggested but were quick to disassociate themselves, emphasising that they were too underground to entertain such frivolity. Apparently, potential participants are selected by ‘Fisters’ - designated scouts for the organisation. Once selected, a new fighter is sent an official invitation via duck.

Having intercepted one such message, TLP is able to reveal the location of this reprehensible event: the desolate shell that is the Alcuin Bistro, just to the left of the gates of Mordor. The traumatised correspondent that we dispatched to the spectacle reported back that, alas, he was not allowed to talk about the fight club and went on to repeat that he WAS NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. Questioning actual fight societies such as the University of York Boxing Club about the matter yielded only comments about any such illicit organisation being ‘utter tosh, twaddle and shite’.

Jake Roper

Reception of the new system at the Centre this morning was largely positive. “You’re here for a blood test? Let’s not waste time. I’ll draw your blood for you,” said one third year with severe constipation.

The Health Centre has been roundly criticised in the past for being too small to deal with the number of students that require its services. With the impending arrival of Constantine College in September, the Health Centre’s resources are set to be stretched even further.

Efficiency initiatives like the Battle Royale system have been created in order to balance supply and demand, and if successful might be adapted for next year’s inevitable overhaul of the accommodation system.

Alexandra Craven

04

Campus

The nature of the medical professionals within the Health Centre remains something of a myth. Nobody is quite sure, but this is our best guess.

We want to be as twitter famous as Sophie Gadd

Apparently cats can glow in the dark

“Posh prejudice” akin to Racism.

If you, like me, have an interest and extensive knowledge of student journalism you will probably have come across Becca Atkinson’s incisive dissection of an often under recognised social prejudice on the Bristol Tab. After coming under what must have been a torrent of classist abuse for going to private school (poor girl), Becca decided to hit out at her socialist tormenters by explaining why she was better than them and indeed anyone who wasn’t privately educated.

Her article accurately highlights the injustices that private school students have to face upon their arrival at university. Having to rub shoulders with the general riff raff (who have somehow made it into the same institution) often overwhelms those from the upper echelons of our society, frustrated that their natural superiority isn’t immediately assumed. As a fellow sufferer I was astonished by the bravery of her words.

How dare the ungrateful swarms refuse to thank her for having parents in the higher tax bracket! They should be grateful right? Mr. Atkinson paid his taxes and at the same time found money for little Becca’s school fees; such generosity is too readily overlooked in modern-day Britain when there are so many methods of tax avoidance available.

Becca, quite rightly, underlines what most of us already know, private schools cultivate an attitude of natural entitlement in their students and that needs to be nurtured and protected. In light of this, state school students regardless of their academic achievements, however hard won, should do the decent thing and move aside. It’s not a personal thing, it’s just that we’re expected to do well; we can’t have mummy and daddy being disappointed in us when yours are probably happy that you’re not on the dole.

“It’s about who you know, not what you know.” Seeing as we have 25 mutual friends on facebook Becca, I can only assume that you’re going to go far. I hope the fallout of Becca’s article raises awareness of “posh prejudice” and the plight of its victims.

Vote Tory.

James Luck

@thelemonpress

Taylor Looks Forward After 2 glorious years at the helm of YUSU, our favourite man to ever wear tight jeans and scarves is having to relinquish control of our souls, and step down as Union President. In a recent, tearful interview with TLP reporter Alex Bassick, Taylor mentioned that he’d had a “proper reet time” and told a snivelling Alex to “eh, calm down” whilst drying his cheeks with a scarf.

Future makeup artist Kallum Paler

Having garnered no real world experience over the last 2 years, and without actually having to get through any form of job interview Taylor is set to struggle outside of his comfortable environment in the YUSU offices.

However, he remains optimistic about his potential career options. After the complete Kukri debacle Kallum mentioned he might try his hand at becoming a seamstress, a bold move for Tailor. His family has a long history in the Merchant Navy but “a pirate’s life just isn’t for me” said Sailor.

After a brief portion of work experience in Alcatraz when he was 16 Kallum hinted at a possible move into the incarceration business, but according to Jailer, the pay wasn’t good enough. After K-dawg’s year abroad in Japan gave him a new lease on the fishing industry, he considered a more permanent transition to that, unfortunately it was “too morally grey” said Whaler. As a result of his ever increasing quest for power he told us he’d thought about entering the repossessions market, however for Bailor, he couldn’t see any sort of career in that.

After many moons of deep thought he is reportedly decided on the next step he wants to take in life.

Talking to us earlier he claimed “postal work is something I’ve always wanted to do, and Sheffield is such a wonderful place to relocate to, I couldn’t be happier with the way things are going”. On behalf of every student at The University of York, I’d like to wish Hallam Mailer all the good fortune he undoubtedly deserves.

Alex Bassick

Campus

05

Henry the Hoover is always watching… ALWAYS

Lamberts Lands

Imminent Terrorist Threat on York!

Two months on from the arrival of our new ViceChancellor Koen Lamberts - the replacement for the oft lambasted Brian “Ski Chalet” Cantor, absolutely nothing is any different, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal.

Vision recently provided a telling exposé of the

Expert analysts and two bit talking heads have commented that whilst the new VC is “100% more Belgian” than his predecessor. Little else has noticeably changed following the handover.

This revelation seems to support the growing idea that nobody is particularly bothered as to whom the Vice-Chancellor is, or whatever the hell it is that he does all day. What we do know, however, is that the Belgian plans to share power with his trusty sidekick terrier, Snowy.

Tom Davies

University’s apparent lack of contingency plans in the case of emergencies befalling York, such as terrorist attacks. Following TLP’s own Freedom of Information request, we can exclusively report that the University have no plans for the following disasters: - Shark infiltration in the lake - Return of the Lancastrian House - The bubonic plague - The Mongol Horde - Tuberculosis - Waterfowl overcrowding - Acid rain - Gorbachev changing his mind about perestroika and glasnost - Resurrection of Gaddafi - Student journalism becomes accurate, balanced and well-reasoned - Constantine College Tom Murray

06

Campus

If you can read this our website is probably down

Fire at the Boulevard: Students claim they didn’t start it, it was always burning

Ancient Origins of NekNominate Discovered The origins of the now famous Neck and Nominate tradition have been discovered on a 2000-year-old urn excavated in Crete by the University of Ladford. The urn clearly depicts a man; whom many An Urnest depiction of early believe to be the NekNominate culture. founder of all western philosophy, Socrates; about to ‘neck’ a jug of wine. Some historians believe that Socrates is nominating his best mate Plato to crank up the challenge to an urn of wine mixed with milk. A spokesperson for NekNominate, Errol PigsbyWottlington, had this to say: “I am sure that everyone can now see the deep intellectual background that forms the basis of this great tradition. NekNominate’s validity and importance to our nation’s culture can no longer be understated or ignored.”

Historians are now very much jumping on the bandwagon and identifying continuations in the NekNominate trend throughout history. A Historian from the University of Ladford has been tracing this tradition through English royalty and has found many instances of the game documented among the Tudor dynasty. Henry VIII was apparently furious when people “pussied out” of a nomination; and Jane Seymour’s death at the hands of an entire jeroboam of ale did nothing to temper his attitude. His daughter Bloody Mary’s appropriate nickname was also apparently derived from imbibing a ludicrous quantity of the tomato-based cocktail as a NekNominate at one of her famously booze-heavy protestant burning parties.

There can be no doubt that history’s greatest and brightest have been strong neckers, a trend that is set to continue into the far future.

Billy Blake

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Fong and Jong In an exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, the owner of Willow, Tommy Fong, clarifies the reality behind the rampant speculation surrounding the possible closure of the late-night student haunt.

Rumours began with a misunderstanding between a dendrochronology PhD student and an amateur tree surgeon from Osbaldwick, but spiralled out of control. Some cited the allegedly questionable sanitary condition of the York institution. However cynics pointed out that after years of service to the esteemed restaurant, Fong’s shoes are in fact irrevocably glued to the floor, literally with an amalgamation of sweat, blood, tears and tequila.

Fong, a veteran of the Peoples’ Liberation Army explained the situation: “Currently, I am seeking an expansion of my business and am in discussions with a number of potential investors. However, I am approaching conclusive stages with one particular investor, who will go by the alias of Kim Jong Fun until a later date, if necessary.

“Our vision is of a united York, where the means of production and geese can be commonly owned. We are conducting research into the missile-launching capacity of the Minster and are setting about liberating the proletarian York St. John students.

“Kim Jong has been telling me that The Willow’s name is too bourgeois, so we are discussing its rebrand and re-launch as Fong and Jong’s House of Song and centre of corrective re-education for traitors and usurpers. We also appreciate that students are among the poor and persecuted in society, and will abolish entry charges, and indeed all charges. Comrades will labour for us in exchange for admission, and with this labour shall come freedom!”

Representatives from the UN reportedly been monitoring the situation, but tragically garrotted themselves in a freak accident. Consequently, The Lemon Press offers its hand in friendship, assistance and comradeship to the mighty and benevolently supreme Emperors Fong and Jong.

Tom Murray

Campus With a News Bit

07

Kallum Taylor’s scarfruns for president

THE LEMON PRESS GUIDE TO THE YUSU ELECTIONS The felt tips are out, the cardboard is going up and plans for lecture invasion plans are being drawn. It can only mean one thing: Election time is upon us once again.

Sophie Gadd and Alexandra Craven of The Lemon Press take a

look at the candidates for top jobs, making it easier than ever for you to Participate in Democracy!

PRESIDENT

The Lemon Press does not endorse any specific candidates for the election. Or the election itself. Or YUSU. We're not sure what we're doing here.

Bella Swan

ACADEMIC

Swan is a well known figure around York, even more so after she and her friends began a reign of terror against students. If elected she will campaign to have a proportion of students culled every year to prevent them from taking over campus.

Michael Gove

Gove wants to return York to the good old days of University eduation, which he plans to do by removing all computers, banning the internet, introducing 6am lectures, and bringing back the cane for late essay submissions

08

Elections

Rob Ford

The current mayor of Toronto is attempting to expand his influence to the UK. His policies include repealing all drugs restrictions on campus, replacing Derwent with a strip club and giving the student president the powers of a dictator.

Evangeline TrundleberrySpigott

Country girl and second year Philsophy student Evie feels her degree requires far too much work. Spigott wishes to limit contact hours to 2 hours a week so that she can spend as much time as possible playing lacrosse.

Kallum Taylor

The scarf-mad lad who just can't be stopped is back again! In a shock move, Taylor overturned the YUSU rule preventing him from standing for office a third time on the grounds of "bantz".

His continued dictatorship is a popular idea among students.

Mary Beard

Some feel that Classicist Beard's talents would be better used elsewhere, perhaps at a University that actually runs a course in Classics. However Beard has big plans for the university and plans to replace all of the books in the library with Latin copies.

The finest retweets in all the land

WELFARE

Outdoor walking society “tired, and don’t want to walk anymore”

Katie Hopkins

SPORT

Daily Mail queen and liberal adgitator Hopkins has said she would abolish the position of welfare officer, as well as Nightline, and all bursaries. She also plans to change the admission policy to be based on names & ban all poor people.

Tarquin Whippington-Smithe

ACTIVITIES

Old Etonian, Rugby forward and all round bloody good chap, the first year PPE student can often be spotted braying in The Countyard with 'the lads'. WhippingtonSmithe has promised that his Daddy will personally pay for a brand new rowing stadium.

Brian Bantor

The notorious Chancellor of Ladford University is currently in prison for stealing £7000 worth of tequila from the other staff, and is making a bid to return to York.

We can only assume he means to steal more of the University's priceless artworks.

@thelemonpress

Dan "The Bones" McJones

Second year Archaeology student and skeleton McJones is the chair of AltLife Society. "I want to cut right to the bone on the problems facing the alternatively living at York" he said. "The number of sword-wielding maniacs trying to kill us must be reduced."

Sophie Gadd

Third year History student and Twitter Celebrity Gadd can often be seen around campus wearing fashionable cycling gear while going down to the gym. "I did once run to the pub" said Gadd, who has promised to totally cut the union's sports budget.

David Levene

The York councillor, who famously allegedly once attacked a homeless man with a sword, would like to bring more Medieval sports to York. He has already promised to set up a weekly joust, as well as compulsory lessons in peasant bashing.

Tommy Fong

The propietor of popular York disco Willow, Fong taken care of the needs of sudents at their most confused and vulnerable for many years. His "Prawn Cracker Care" plan is a controversial prospect for the University.

Sir Alex Ferguson

After retiring from his football managing career this year, Ferguson has plenty of time for a SABB position. As this position will be a large pay cut, Ferguson has said that he will be reallocating the entire sports budget to his paycheck.

Martine McCutcheon

After recently being declared bankrupt, the former celebrity has admitted that she will now do anything for money. She has claimed that if elected she will do anything as long as she gets paid.

If she fails to win this election she will be auctioning off her kidneys.

Democracy

09

Don’t go outside, everything is trying to kill you

Ukraine LARP Convention Goes Off With A Bang The first annual Live Action Roleplaying (LARPing) convention is now well underway in Ukraine. Fantasy lovers from across the country have come together in the capital to enjoy the convention. Believed to be the biggest undertaking in LARPing history, attendance is said to number in the hundreds of thousands. Many people have taken this opportunity to show off their ingenuity, building medieval catapults and creating homemade shields.

Some of those who are less skilled in medieval construction turned to using bats as swords, and fireworks as a way of representing magic missiles. The creators of the convention have even gone to great lengths to prepare a compelling back story. Participants have been thrown into a mythical world where a great evil threatens to take control of the realm, but one can never be sure everything is as it seems, and with the fate of millions in their hands, everything must be questioned. Large turnout has meant that the convention has gone on for longer than expected, and there is no clear date for when it will end.

Branden Lynn

Level 26 warlock Anthony Buble casts a "Cone of Coldness"

Cameron to Sue Weather David Cameron is to take legal action against the weather this week after heavy rain continued to cause flooding across the South West of England. After coming under much criticism for the government’s slow response, Cameron is now attempting to use the 1707 Act of Union with Scotland to address the issue.

Unbeknown to most, the agreement was not merely bilateral, but a trilateral agreement to include the Weather. Under the terms, the thrifty people of England would pay the debts of the profligate Scots, in return for which, the Scots agreed to be rained on every day. Heavily. Forever. Whilst the English would laugh and stay dry….ish. Perhaps anticipating Scottish independence this autumn however, the Weather appears to have taken leave its longstanding commitment. An irate Mr Cameron said ‘after the recent Snowmaggedon, in which my chauffeur got a damp glove wiping a snowflake off my car, this rain takes the piss, and I shall be in contact with our Scottish partners to ensure the terms of the Act of Union are upheld until at least this autumn’.

William Carne

10

News and Politics

"The only other explanation is the French"

So much to do, so much to see

NSA captures hundreds ofhours’ worth ofstudent takeaway orders

UKIP’s Muslim Contract UKIP MEP and immigration spokesman, Gerrard Batten has proposed that all British Muslims sign a contract, in an effort to tackle “fanaticism”, “violence”, and “update the Qur’an”. The following are excerpts from the charter, cleverly hidden between lines of pig-headed waffle and pseudo-legislative jargon:

Item 4. B. ii.

British Muslims are hereby forbidden from any naughty, silly or disruptive behaviours. This includes, but is not limited to: kicking, punching, shouting, pulling hair and beards, pushing, spitting, or talking when others are talking.

Item 6. A. iv.

Islamic terrorism, as defined by UKIP, is prohibited as a recreation for British Muslims. This is defined as the wearing of long beards, white robes and usage of London public transport. Other forms of terrorism are permissible, including mass bombings and crimes against the government, subject to a 10,000 signature petition and subsequent planning approval from local councils.

Item 6. B. v.

To encourage efficient assimilation into British culture, all British Muslims must record a speed of 13 tuts-per-minute and apologise at least 33 times per day.

UKIP MEP The Rt Hon Rear Admiral Sir Gerrard Batten

Item 7. A. iii.

To update the Qur’an for a modern world, the sacred text must be made available on Kindle for free. It must also be edited to contain the milieu of today’s popular acronyms: YOLO, LMAO, STFU, UKIP, etc. The responsibility for literary improvement will belong to the tribal leader of the immigrants, whomsoever he may be.

Item 9. B. i.

Failure to adhere to the abovementioned measures and laws will result in immediate expulsion to Bongo-Bongo land or Scotland, whichever is nearer at the time of infringement.

Baffled by the criticism, Batten defiantly asserted that he couldn’t see why “any reasonable, normal person” would not sign the contract, and that “some of my best friends are Muslims! How dare you accuse me of racism, you big fat racist!”

Batten allegedly added, “and no more turbans!” When suggested to that he may be conflating two different religions, Batten ended the interview, muttering, “Poppycock, piffle, back in my day, political correctness gone mad, racism on whites, rivers of blood, nurrrghhh.”

A (really rather handsome) Muslim man

Tom Murray Disclaimer: The Lemon Press does not indend to offend any student, Muslim or otherwise, and apologise sincerely if we have done so. We do, however, intend to offend certain senior UKIP members. We hope they're reading.

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

UKIPwatch

11

U2’s ‘Lemon’ is secretly about us

Why You Shouldn’t Loathe Michael Gove, By Michael Gove Dear readers of The Lemon Press, I, Michael Gove, the Education Minister for Great Britain, would like to educate you on the greatness of myself; the best lesson of all. Since my placement in office, the public has been turned against me by teachers, all who have had an agenda against me, jealous of my ultimate knowledge and superior intellect, as well as my bloody beautiful hair. Now please look below to find my top ten facts about myself, all of which should prove why you should thank me for making the world a better place.

1. I want better results, and will not listen to any teacher. (What do they know anyway?)

2. I was the first person in this government to publicly recognise that Karl Marx was, in actual fact, a Marxist.

Nobody else was brave enough to make THAT public!

3. I find Macaroni Cheese an inherently bland dish.

4. For my Christmas cards I send all my friends a different Margret Thatcher quote, and they have to guess the year.

Jolly good fun!

5. My nickname for Ed Milliband is “Your-Party’s-Dead Milliband” LOL. 6. Michael Gove writes in third person sometimes, to give himself that added extra boost of confidence when he starts to think strange thoughts, such as “How did I get this bloody job?!”.

7. History lessons will now only consist of screaming “TWO WORLD WARS, ONE WORLD CUP!” in time with the national anthem.

8. Every classroom will have at least 3 photos of me at the front.

I hope that over the course of this article that you have been convinced that I’m actually a genius, and possibly a Messiah. Oh no… I just remembered that this this is a student publication! I’m preaching to the choir! You guys love me more than any other demographic! See you blue lot at the elections in 2015!

Gove x ;)

Oli Carr

Crow Crows and Eats Crow The announcement that the London Underground will be closed for 48 hours due to strikes over, well, something, has been viewed as yet another slap to the already grossly red and swollen face of London’s commuter population, some have claimed.

Rodolfo Cluckenstaff, spokesperson for the pressure group “Who in the name of all that is good and holy does a man have to screw to get anywhere in this city” said of the strike: “If you’re not aware of what transport in London is like, why don’t you tie yourself upside down from a tree, naked, and have a professional MLB pitcher hurl the contents of a hoarders garage at you? It’s a bit like that, metaphorically speaking”.

However, arch-pinko agitator (and RMT Union warlord) Bob Crow has criticized those who have spoken against the strike as “being possessed of a petty-bourgeois false consciousness by exhibiting a lack of solidarity with the plight of the common worker”. Mr. Crow continued: “All these people keep saying they just want to get to work on time, sounds like weasel, Tory c**t talk to me” before bursting into a croaky, off pitch rendition of “The Red Flag”.

Meanwhile, reports of a BBC edict banning Jeremy Clarkson from making any TV appearances for the duration of the strike have remained unconfirmed.

12

News and Politics

What came up when I googled "Crow"

Tom Davies

Don't be a twit

Unconfirmed reports connect America to death ofstudent’s father

What I Had For Lunch with Vladimir Putin Well Vladimir, thank you very much for taking some time out of your busy schedule to answer a few questions. So, what did you have for lunch today?

Putin: Today I was in the mood for something a little bit fruity, but I was sure to stop myself. I’ve had a weakness for fruity things since I was a young man and it’s taken me a great many years to discipline myself to repress these urges. I of course enjoyed a lunch fit for a macho slav such as myself: Half a bear's leg doused in vodka.

Vladimir, I think you’ve gone a bit off message there. Is there something you want to tell me?

Putin: My dear Thomas Terenceovich, I think you’ll find that I have never strayed off message. I demand from myself the same behaviour I expect from my ministers, and if one of them was to stray off message I think perhaps they would soon find themselves working near Novisbirsk, mining arsenic with their bare hands.

You’re dodging the question Vladimir.

Putin and associate comparing Putin: Would you like a cup of tea Mr Davies. I have a special blend in this teapot, I rod handling skills

think you’ll find it most palatable...

Tom Davies

Americans Unite Over Bieber In a rare showing of bipartisan support, Congress looks set to overwhelmingly pass a bill to deport Justin Bieber from America. This follows several incidents, including a run-in with the police during the shoot of Bieber’s selffunded remake of the popular Fast and Furious series. Congressman Tim Bishop expressed his support for the swift passage of the bill: “I’ve always hated that kid, but I could never do anything about it because my daughters loved him. Luckily even they’re sick of him now, so I have no reason to not get behind this.” Speaker of the House John Boehner has also spoken publicly about the popular legislation, with a heartwarming speech about the good old days where the musicians we hated were at least “proud, flag waving Americans.”

For years, America has been deeply divided along ideological lines but it finally looks like everybody agrees on something. According to one patriotic American, everybody has moved on past their petty differences in opinion on issues like abortion and gay marriage to get rid of Bieber, saying “Not since the movement to bring back Twinkies have I seen Americans so united.” In fact, it seems the only opposition to the legislation comes from Canada, who have threatened to retaliate if America tries to send Bieber back to their country. While Canada acknowledges the pop star is originally from there, they claim that America is responsible for turning him into such an asshole.

As a result, Canada has increased border security, leading to long queues on the American side of the border as every vehicle is searched meticulously. Some fear rising tensions could lead to clashes along the border. Obama has been in talks with Queen Elizabeth II to ease tensions, and there are rumors that a deal may be struck which will see Bieber sent to Alaska.

Branden Lynn

@thelemonpress

The Cold War

13

We’ve eaten so many crisps making this magazine. Send vegetables.

A Guide to the UK for International Students An Introduction to the UK Greetings and welcome to The United Kingdom!

We are very glad that you have chosen to complete your study abroad year here rather than somewhere good like Paris or Rome. Here's a short guide to help you fit in better in your new home!

NOT LONDON

Geography:

The UK is split into two counties- these are called 'London' and 'Not London'. York is the last remaining walled stronghold of London in Not London. An easy way to think of it is like West Berlin before the wall came down, with all the industry and wealth surrounded by desolation. Your student card acts as a passport that can take you in and out of the city walls. Without it you will be immediately shot.

LONDON

Weather:

You probably will have heard a lot of jokes before your visit about how much it rains here. The blue colour on the map to the right represents water. It is advisable to always carry a canoe in case of flooding.

Government:

The UK is a democracy, meaning that it is governed by a large group of men who all went to school together, and another big group of unelected men.

And there's the Queen, but she keeps quiet.

Culture:

The UK is a country with a rich cultural heritage, and it is actually illegal for parents here not to take their children to visit at least 37 stately homes before they turn 12. Other popular pastimes include: going to the pub, complaining, queuing at the post office, getting annoyed with self checkout machines, fancying Prince Harry and getting pissed at weddings. You should aim to complete all of these at least once or you may be deported.

Fun Facts -The Queen is legally allowed to shoot and kill anyone with a crossbow. She does so once a year as part of her annual staff cut backs.

-In 1993 it was declared law that every boy born from that year onwards should be called Ben, Sam, Tom, James, Jack, Adam, or Joe. Any man without this name is legally a woman.

-A person living in the UK will say 'sorry' when they're not actually sorry an average of 67,993 times every year.

-Pancake Day is an annual festival where people eat as many pancakes as they can in 24 hours. Over 50 people died from pancake overdose last year.

-The average British person produces enough energy from tutting every week to power a lightbulb for 5 hours.

Sophie Gadd 14

Technically News

We have a comments section, you can troll it

The ‘bacon’ sandwiches in the Library café are “smoke flavoured”

How To Befriend a Yorkshire Person Yorkshire people can often be confusing. Cut out and keep this guide so you won’t be caught in a dangerous or awkward situation.

1. Ask first. The Yorkshire person might look friendly, but if you don't know them there is no way to tell how they

react to strangers. Move slowly at all times and. They may not understand your accent if you were born outside of Yorkshire so speak in a soft, calm voice. “What’s your name?” or “Are you having a good day?” are usually safe opening questions.

2. If the local seems receptive to conversation (not growling or jumping ), then hold your hand in front of their

nose with the back part of your hand exposed, loosely curled almost to a fist (this will keep your fingers from being bitten).

3. Let them sniff your hand. If they still show no sign of aggression, slowly stroke the locals neck just under the jaw.

4. Be aware that some Yorkshire people do not like being petted on top of the head. Any growl, or sudden moves should signal that you need to STOP what you are doing immediately and stand still. No sudden moves of your own.

5. If you are a "friend" of this Yorkshire person, more contact may be allowed, such as hand shakes or high fives.

When the local trusts you, you may even go to the pub with them.

6. Avoid making sudden movements, and watch for signs of aggression. Pay attention to the locals body language.

If he seems aggressive, move away.

7. Be nice to them. The best way to have a Yorkshire person gain trust in you is to make them a cup of tea.

8. They might call you ‘pet’. This does NOT mean they are interested in role play. Similarly being called ‘love’ does not mean they are in love with you

Sophie Gadd

British Cuisine There is no better cuisine than the British cuisine*. As part of your assimilation into British culture it is important that you consume all of these foods, perferably all at the same time.

Party Rings: These delicious biscuits grow under ground in Norfolk. The annual party ring harvest takes place in July, and is well worth going to watch if you have the time Curry: Curry was invented in Slough by Sir John Curry in 1912. It was bought to India after Ghandi's 1931 visit to Britain.

Black pudding: Made of blood. No jokes to be made here, sorry.

Burritos: These were invented in the Costworlds in 1784. A traditional British burrito is usually filled with toast and roast parsnips Spaghetti: The name comes from a Cornish slang term for lake Fish and Chips: A traditional breakfast dish best consumed with piping hot custard *French, Italian, and Spanish, are better

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Sophie Gadd

Looks Like a Feature Though

15

Hardzine is harder than your mum

Teach First Scheme Slammed for Giving Graduates Job Prospects The Teach First iniative is a scheme that aims to commit graduates to at minimum of 2 years worth of teaching in some of the most difficicult schools in the country, after which the graduates are then released from their obligation to the scheme. Teach First has been mired for setting up graduates with connections in a variety of large companies like Google, KPMG and Ernst and Young. Many local papers have recently suggested that the prospect of giving graduates are chance to gain employment in reputable companies upon completion of their degree is “elitist”. Many people have argued that the very nature of a degree is to spend the rest of your life having regretted studying “shitty English Literature that no one even cares about”, to “not have a sodding job because apparently we’ve run out of books to over-analyse”.

Whilst our contact at Teach First, CEO Charles Russell, views the Teach First scheme of not only setting graduates up with necessary contacts to start a career, but to also using their degree as a prerogative to become a teacher in a subject that they once cared enough about to pay £9000 a year for, as a positive step in somehow maybe potential sort of fixing the massive rate of graduate unemployment. Others view it as complete lunacy, and the very idea of people having a career disgusts and abhors them. We’ve got loads and loads of teachers too, so why is anyone bothering to hire more? Education Minister Michael Gove has also deplored Teach First because back in this day “we didn’t even have teachers, we just had a book and the cane”. Teach First is currently not seeking government funding.

Alex Bassick

Post Graduate Options

Unemployment The job centre

Student Disgusts Careers Department A third year Politics student has shocked the York Careers department by refusing to persue a career in law, finance, business, marketing, or management consultancy. The student in question, who was quoted as saying "actually I'd like to be an artist," is facing disciplinary action from the Univeristy for failing to conform. The Careers department claimed that they make it perfectly clear what the five permitted careers are in their daily emails and any refusal to spend days applying for grad schemes is a clear sign of madness.

Sophie Gadd

16

Disilliusionment

Goes down more than your ex

The best way to track the movements ofmammals is to look at their footprints

Lad Points to Become New Crypto Currency

With the success of online crypto currencies such as Bitcoin, a group of Economics students at the University of Ladford have managed to successfully convert the age old informal system of lad points into the latest online financial sensation. Project spokeman Yorick Van der Bants said of the new scheme “We were basically sitting around at campus bar one day necking dirty pints and making other people feel faintly uncomfortable when we thought, we really should receive some financial advantage for all the legendary banter we get up to. Under our system, simply upload video evidence of you getting up to some top banter and our sophisticated ladometer will award you a relevant amount of lad points which can be redeemed for three things: alcohol, condoms and tickets to the rugger. Everything a self respecting lad needs. Yesterday I put up a sweet vid of me administering a tequila enema to myself on top of Central Hall and am now the proud owner of 50,000 Durex “extra large”, practically a month’s supply wheeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy. Somebody better have recorded that, there’s probably at least a 6 pack of Carling in it.”

Tom Davies

Earliest Footprint Found in Norfolk The earliest footprints outside of Africa have been discovered in Norfolk. This finding confirms that for at least the past 800,000 years, early human ancestors have been trying to flee Norfolk. Scientists believe the footprint belongs to one of thousands of people who took to the sea in a desperate attempt to live literally anywhere else.

Dr Nick Ashton, a member of the team, admits that while life in Norfolk probably wasn’t as bad as it is now, the footprint does give us insight into some of the problems that existed even then. “The six toes, and web like pattern leads us to believe that even then the family unit played a large role in Norfolk.”

Scientists suspect that this footprint probably belonged to a fairly clever individual, and marked the start of a historic brain drain in the region. “It is certainly possible that the reason Norfolk is so bad off today, is because everyone smart enough to leave, did,” postulated Ashton.

Branden Lynn

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Smartwatches Unveiled A number of technology companies have recently unveiled their new ‘Smartwatches’, in a bid to continuously create new and exciting ways to make people look like twats. After the end of the Bluetooth headset craze, many tech bloggers feared they would run out of ways to look stupid in public, however both Sony and Samsung have come up trumps. The Smartwatches provide the ease of access of a normal mobile phone, but without any of the usability or practicality. According to the Head of Product development at Sony, the watches were created specifically for people who want to look like spies while ringing Dominos. The new Smatchwatches all come with warnings that wearing one at the same time as Google Glass may cause strangers to spontaneously punch you in the face for looking like a twat.

Sophie Gadd

Poor Scientifically More Likely to Die A recent study carried out by York researches has revealed that being poor greatly increases the likelihood you will die. “For years we knew it sucked to be poor, but finally we can scientifically confirm that the poor are less likely to survive cancer.” Despite having access to the same level of treatment, poor people are still more likely to die than their wealthy counterparts. These findings have baffled researchers as they struggle to come to terms with how poor people seem to be worse off than the rich. “It’s almost as if they can’t afford to take all the measures necessary to increase their chances of survival,” said one researcher. Some members of the study question whether or not patients actually take their medicine, claiming that this could greatly increase the risk of death. This is just another groundbreaking study in an already illustrious career for the team of scientists.

Some of their best known discoveries include: -People who go hunting with Dick Cheney are more likely to be shot -You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket.

-People who eat more food tend to weigh more.

-People who don’t wear gloves have colder hands.

-Students who don’t hand in essays do worse than their hard working counterparts.

Branden Lynn

Science and Tech

17

Little known fact: Somalia is the worlds’ third largest exporter offine Italian wine

Sensible Second Year Tips

What to Do on Valentine’s Day Without a Date 09:00-Read the Wikipedia article about the St. Valentine’s Day massacre.

09:40-Pretend to be Al Capone for a bit.

10:00-Consider going for a drink before realising that it’s only ten in the morning.

10:05-Read the Wikipedia article entitled ‘Toiletrelated injuries and deaths’.

10:38-Briefly consider writing a dissertation on toilet-related injuries and deaths.

14:38-Spend four hours attempting to justify why the above would be relevant to your discipline.

14:39-Give up.

15:00-Post passive-aggressive comments on facebook statuses that involve happy couples.

15:35-Post aggressive comments on facebook statuses that involve happy couples.

16:00- Go and taunt the ducks for not having a Valentines date either.

16:01- Be savagely assaulted by the ducks.

16:15- Be taken into A&E due to the severity of the beak wounds.

17:00- Slip into a blissful morphine induced coma.

00:00- Congratulate yourself on getting through another Valentine’s Day. And also pretend to be Al Capone again.

Having just barely survived the ravaging of a financially brutal first year this writer feels compelled to share a whole raft of money saving tips.

-Don’t go on a night out with your debit card. Go out with someone else’s instead.

-Eating out can be expensive. So can eating in general.

Just don’t eat.

-Alcohol can also be expensive. But then we all have to make sacrifices.

-Have a fixation on that expensive pair of shoes or other nondescript piece of clothing? Remember that you look great in whatever you wear. Even if it’s just a collection of gaffer-taped bin-bags. Especially then.

-Avoid spending money on friends by simply not having friends. (This also makes the chore of writing Xmas Cards much simpler) -Rather than trusting the banking system, why not stash hard currency all around your accommodation? If anybody finds your money and asks what you’re doing with your life, laugh in their face and continue to shove twenty pound notes into your toilet cistern.

-Use a car? Cut the bottom of it out and use the Flintstones method of locomotion.

-Pay for a gym membership? Same as above.

-Perhaps most importantly of all don’t go taking out crazy government backed loans to the sum of around nine grand a year. I mean, that’d just be silly right?

Jake Roper

Jake Roper

A Guide to Wine Everybody enjoys a good bevvy, whether it be in the form of a can of Aussie gold, a bottle of Swedish cider or that suspect mahogany brown vodka the neighbour brews up. Be that as it may, there’s only one type of alcohol to satisfy the more refined palette. Jägermeister is of course a close second, but no, what I’m referring to is in fact das vino, the fruit of the grape, Roman water, the blood of Christ himself: wine. Corked, screwed or otherwise encapsulated it represents an entire canvas of sensation. From ruby red to crystal white the very sight of the stuff is enough to bring about a mild euphoria. Then you have the aroma once one ventures closer… Well, I needn’t even go into that. And finally you have the taste. Words cannot express the taste of the stuff.

With that said, here’s my seminal guide to wine: Red: Alright.

18

Valentine's Day

White: Alright.

Pink: Pish.

Jake Roper

Tweet us babes, we're lonely

Keep reading, it’ll get better

Blind Date

Valentine’s Day is when students are lookin’ for some lovin’! But it isn’t always easy to get a date, and dating outside your immediate friendship group can sometimes be unsafe! So The Lemon Press took two lonely students, Dan and Jane, and put their eyes out with red hot pokers to save them from sinful temptation.

What’s the first thing you noticed about them?

The way he screamed was pretty incredible

Oh god, my eyes? Why?

What did you talk about?

How to escape from psychotic magazine editors.

The pain. This hurts so much. Oh god.

Any awkward moments?

We didn’t see each other at first. Or at all. Funny how that happened.

Why the hell would you do this to us?!

What were they wearing?

Trousers, I hope.

How would I even know? Some asshole blinded me!

What did you eat?

Tasted suspiciously like a YourShop sandwich.

Everything hurts.

Best thing?

While I feel bad that Dan was injured, I’m glad I met him.

Nothing about this was good.

Did you go on anywhere?

Hospital.

Hospital.

If you met in Willow, would you go home together?

Don’t know how much I’ll end up at Willow after this!

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh

Did you end on a hug, a kiss or more?

We sort of hugged in A&E, I guess? I think it might have been more leaning on each other for support though.

Stop asking questions.

Did you exchange numbers?

Please let us go.

Yeah, it’ll help us bring charges against the nutters who kidnapped and blinded us.

Alexandra Craven

Rating: 0/10 - You people are insane.

1/10 – I was traumatically blinded but Dan is nice once he calms down.

Wow, what a feisty reaction! Despite doing our best to stop them going to hell for unbridled teenage lust, it looks like our lovebirds may yet succumb to sins of the flesh! Better hurry up and put a ring on that, Dan – or else Jane had better get to the nearest nunnery!

@thelemonpress

Vision

19

My Father died because ofCheckmate!

Lily Allen Writes Song Without Swearing

TV GUIDE Celebrity Sun Sex and Suspicious Parents:

The “stars” of TOWIE, Made in Chelsea, Big Brother, and other low brow idiot circuses go on holiday together for a week of drinking and getting sunstroke, all whilst being watched by their parents. (BBC3, 9pm)

Expenses Street:

Channel 4 visits Britain’s most heavily indebted taxpayer funded council tenancy, Parliament. We see how the residents are coping with the new laws reducing their free benefits. One man can’t even afford a new duck house. (C4, 8.30pm)

Call the Midwife 2014:

Highlights from the St Thomas’s Hospital maternity unit. Unfortunately there aren’t enough midwives and nurses to go round due to NHS cuts, making Poplar in the 1950s look positively utopian. (BBC2, 7pm)

The Sochi Winter Olympics:

Coverage from this years Winter Olympics proves that there are other countries which are less well organised at building things than Britian. Enjoy hours of footage of the ra's of Team GB having their dreams crushed as they realise all those years spent skiing at La Plage were a complete waste of time. (Channel 4, 6pm)

Pound Shop Wars:

David Starkey presents a fasinating guide to the Mesopotamian Pound Shop Wars. He visits an archaelogical dig on the outskirts of Basra where they have unearthed ancient relics including multipacks of Walkers Crisps and a rare copy of Martine Mccutcheon's fitness DVD (BBC1, 8pm)

Dr Who Series 12:

The Doctor takes Martha back to present-day Earth, where she finds her f**king sister working for a f**king elderly scientist who has built a f**king machine to reverse the f**king ageing process. When he tests it on himself, his f**king youth is restored, but the experiment is a total omnishambles and he transforms into a ravenous c**ting monster that must feed on tw***ing humans to survive.

Swathes of Mockney-pop fans took to social media this week to express disbelief at the lack of swearing Lily’s latest endeavour. The song, ‘The Iniquities of Mesopotamia’, has come under fierce criticism from the East-Londoner’s core fans for its omission of profanities, with fans everywhere expressing their anger. @bbygirl1997 tweeted ‘Blimey, I don’t Adam and Eve it, how the Rubber Duck am I going to get my daily dose of effing and blinding now?’, and @supermusicfan2 said ‘Atleast we still have the Jonas Brothers left to release good, angsty music.’ A creepy man going simply by the name Alfie said “It’s a cussless catastrophe, a complete chickenhearted cock-up.”

Danny Dyer was amongst the more level-headed pundits to wade in on the palaver, stating his admiration at her restraint, writing in his weekly blog in the Guardian that ‘one should curtsey to her Elizabethan eloquence.’ But Jamie Oliver jumped straight into the anti-camp, calling her a disgrace to the showbiz industry, and swore he would “wipe that smile off of her face” with an overcooked turkeytwizzler marinated in his children’s scalding, soapy bathwater. Keith Allen unsurprisingly expressed disdain, stating “she’s dead to me; no sperm of mine is ever going to write nice, clean music” and “her next one better be rude or I’ll be taking her somewhere only we know and giving her a good hiding.”

Lily tweeted her response to the criticism several hours later, exclaiming “I don’t fuckin’ believe it, I was too busy focusing on producing a neo-liberal political commentary on the unyielding instability of the Middle East that I totally forgot to throw in a few swearwords at the end like I usually do.” Despite her disappointment that she’d let people down, she eventually consoled herself in the fact that “it’s hard out here for a bitch.”

Jack Alexander

F**K S**T F**K F**K S**T F**K

Sophie Gadd

20

Arts

Prove you know how to use the internet

We usually just paint limes yellow

Game of Loans

Lord Lamberts’ royal party inched their way along the Vice Chancellors’ Road, bound for the far flung outpost of Heslington East. The party were riding through the ever perilous marsh lands that separated Hes East from the main kingdom. The going had been slow all morning after a dawn raid by wildlings from Osbaldwick. Or Badger Hill. Oh who cares, these locals all look the same to me.

Lamberts’ mighty destrier, Poirot, flared his nostrils as he dislodged himself from another pool of the wretched, thick mud which littered this section of the road. The Vice Chancellor rode up to his captain of the guard, Lord Duncan, as he supervised the attempt to pull Maester Grenville out of a hole in the mire.

“The seven take Hes East. I’ve half a mind to turn back to the warm hearth of the Beige Keep. Who on earth had the idea to build our newest holdings in this godforsaken place?”

“You know the answer, my lord,” Lord Duncan replied wearily as he slowly helped the Maester out of the mud.

Cantor! Gods damn Cantor! I suppose this was his idea of a joke.

“How goes the construction of this new keep?”

The Maester, dripping with mud and attempting desperately to brush herself down to some degree of respectability, drew herself up and coughed politely. “My Lord Lamberts, the progress remains sluggish on Constantine Keep, but mostly we must journey there to resolve the dispute regarding the liveries of the new holding. My Lord of Vanbrugh is most vexed that we plan to assign purple as the new Lord’s colour, for purple is already the colour of his family and bannermen”.

“Why on earth are we doing that? Why not give the new Lords of Constantine orange? No one has orange yet.”

“My Lord, with respect,” she coughed, “everyone hates orange. It’s just shit.”

Every day more and more of this petty rubbish. I should have stayed in Warwick. Lord Lamberts sighed with

resignation and took a long draught from his wineskin.“What is the word from back on Hes West then? We might as well get the rotten business out of the way while we’re stuck here.”

“Much is afoot amongst the peasantry and the burghers, my liege. They are soon to hold their yearly moot to elect the people’s representatives in your court.”

“And what worry is that of ours?”

“Not much to be frank with you, it’s all a pantomime of minor social grafters and power hungry political replicants. Whoever they elect there will just going to spend the whole year arguing about Palestine anyway. I wouldn’t worry about it, my Lord”.

Ah Lord Taylor, you will be missed. Who can ever fill your enormous shoes, your enormous pointy shoes, and your scarves, and those sleeveless denim jackets of yours.

“Very well then Maester, I shan’t worry myself unduly.” Lord Lamberts seized Poirot’s reins. “We had best be off then. A great feast in the Glasshouse awaits.”

Not much of an incentive for the men, granted, but at least there’s never a queue at the bloody bar.

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Tom Davies

Unquestionably Art

21

The brand Doritos was named after its inventor: Sir Dennis Dorito

City Finance With Tarquin Ronson

When I was a boy my father always used to tell me the same thing. “You’re a halfwit imbecile and I wish we’d sent you off down the river like they did to Moses”. But look at me now dad, I’m a stockbroker AND a journalist, two of the most universally reviled professions in the country. Which you might not think would make him proud, but you’ve never met my father.

The reason why I mention it is that in some way we’re all trying to prove something to somebody, it’s one of the primary motivations which drive us to do great things. It’s like us, the financial services sector. It used to be in the bad old days that we’d be trying to prove things to each other, like whether or not you can make a seaworthy yacht entirely out of cocaine. But now we’re trying to prove ourselves to you, the consumer. We’re trying our very best to win back your trust. Which is why I’m taking half my bonus this year and using it to start a program at my school encouraging good natured salt of the earth types to get into my profession, and dispel some of the negative myths surrounding it. I hope this money will help the plucky students of Harrow finally compete in a profession dominated by old etonian bastards. Why should we be denied the top jobs in the city by some snooty old boys network who look down on us for what school we went to. Disgraceful!

Anyway, here’s what’s happening in this week’s markets.

Gray Television Inc.

Puma Biotechnology Inc.

This baby is up a whopping 18% since last week, and too fucking right! An entire company based on building genetically engineered big cat cyborgs has got to be a winner. I fail to see how something this cool could not continue to make money, or potentially go wrong in some hideous way with disastrous results for all humanity. No way whatsoever.

Kimberly Enterprises

Starvest

Financial Limes

Another business model which was more or less doomed from the outset. Starvest is a company which promotes an all new diet plan that sends you a weeks worth of empty boxes with pictures of food on them to replace all three of your daily square meals. The company initially boasted strong profit margins due to their production costs essentially being just the cost of the boxes, but has taken a massive down turn this week after the majority of the diet's subscribers experienced side effects from the diet including fatigue, light headedness and fainting. Those legal bills won’t be cheap, so don’t expect a resurgence of this one any time soon.

Tom Davies

Looks like a real winner this one. The company was started only last month by 8 year old Kimberly Johnson from Tucson, Arizona in an effort to make enough money for the much coveted Barbie’s Santa Monica Beach House (with real working swimming pool, water not included RRP $5472.95).

The business is currently has expanded quickly into a number of areas including the street side lemon based drink vending industry and the world of macaroni modern art. Get in before it takes off big style.

22

Slowly but surely on the way out for a long time, Gray Television Inc. has been desperately resisting the ceaseless advance on Technicolor since the late 1960s. Pointedly refusing to move with the times, Gray Television has declined to an all new low, shifting two units, down one from last week, a 33% decrease. It makes you wonder really how they’re still in operation, and a public limited company.

Who knows, certainly not me, I’m surprised I still have my trader’s license.

Pretend all your favourite corporations are people

We’re not sure how we got on the media stands

Deadline Headlines: The News- But Not as You Know It!

"Sniper’s jest: Syrian rebels can’t stop laughing as they trick loyalist marksman into firing at a PUPPET" Tragedy strikes as Kermit the frog is the latest casualty of the Syrian conflict (Sky News)

"No. 10 Police Investigated Over Hardcore Porn"

Cameron furious at being left out of the loop (BBC News)

"Clint Eastwood Saves Choking Man"

The esteemed veteran actor decided to stop choking him after having ‘made his day’ (FOX News)

"Taliban Capture SAS Dog In Afghanistan"

Sources say the plot involved an elaborate game of ‘who’s a good boy?’ (The Daily Mail)

"University of York Steps Up Quantum Research Drive"

Physics department determined to hit either 88mph or Derwent B Block while trying (The Press)

"East Hampshire Carpark Revamped"

Reconstruction efforts abound after the area was excavated to discover the remains of Atlantis (The Daily Telegraph)

"Penguins Given Anti-Depressants Over Bad Weather" Fluoxetine fails to sooth sunburn (The Daily Mail)

"Motorist ‘nearly crashed’ after Bristol crocodile sighting" West Country locals offended, adders flattered (BBC News)

"City Official Predicts Car Crash"

Selected as possible candidate to join the fledgling bureaucratic branch of the X-Men (Sky News)

"British Economy to Make Up All Lost Ground Before Autumn"

George Osborne in consultations with Alan Titchmarsh to begin aggressive gardening operations (The Telegraph)

"Argentina Up In Arms Over McDonalds Condiment Shortage" Hamburgler named as prime suspect (Sky News)

"Surprise Winner in a Debut Sport"

Man with no arms dominates in extreme juggling (The Daily Star)

"Szczesny left ‘f**king embarrassed by Arsenal"’

Wenger tells his mum he swears sometimes (BBC News)

"Prince William shoots wild boar and stag on hunting trip to southern Spain" Royal plot to assassinate the Prince falls flat, maesters blamed (The Sunday Times)

"Zebra Spotted in York?"

No (The Press)

"Clash of the Titans: Cricket’s Unsung Heroes"

Hotdog salesman donates heart to save dying charity shop part-time volunteer (The Sunday Times)

"The Yorker Arts guide to staying warm this winter" Wear more clothes (The Yorker)

Jake Roper

@thelemonpress

Features

23

Sultanas are just gay raisins

Alex Bassick’s Guide To Becoming A BNOC So it’s getting to that time of the year. Elections are just around the corner, here are 5 sabbatical officers that, although you aren’t really sure what they do, you sure as shit know who they are. Let’s face it, you’ve probably drunkenly approached them at some point telling them what a great job they’re doing, how much you value everything they’re doing for the uni, how much you’re amazed by their ability to wear a scarf indoors. During this interaction you probably realised just how pathetic and lonely you are because you aren’t famous. You have 2 friends and even they don’t really like you that much. Well fear not little one, I’m back to guide you through yet another difficult portion of your university life. How to become a “Big Name On Campus”.

So what is a BNOC? The official description of a “BNOC” reads thusly: “Someone who when you’re at a really shitty party with people you don’t really know you can say ‘Hey did you guys hear what BNOC got up to the other week, totes rad right?” and everyone murmurs in agreement, and the uncomfortable silence is satiated for all of 2 minutes. This brings us to the first important thing to note when becoming a BNOC. There is no such thing as bad publicity. Manner of fame is irrelevant nowadays, so whether you’re won a Nobel Peace Prize, or you’re trying to ban newspapers from a shop you’ll be known by everyone and anyone in a short space of time.

Attractive people have it better in life. That’s just true. You probably aren’t very attractive. It’ll be easier to become a BNOC if you’re attractive, but remember that you can use social media to your advantage in tricking your adoring fans to thinking you look totally different. Dim lighting, head shots only and a clever use of angles can really ensure that your facebook profile looks nothing like you in real life. As long as people can see how many facebook friends you have, it doesn’t matter what you actually look like.

There are also several crutches you can use to help you become a BNOC. For example “fame by association” is definitely 100% a real thing. I happen to know Miley Cyrus, does it change who I am deep down? Yes. Do I tell people about it all the time? Of course. So what if I only met her once, on a YouTube video? It totally counts.

Finally the easiest way to become a BNOC is to take a stance on something. The more controversial the better.

Have you ever noticed how left handed people are 67% more racist than right handed people? We should absolutely exclude them from society. There, see how easier that was? You might say, “Oh but Alex that’s ridiculous, nobody actually believes that do they?” and to that I say, who gives a fuck? If people start talking about that prat who has it out for lefties then that means they’re talking about you.

Well kiddies, there you go. Follow these simple steps and you could be clawing your filthy up the shameful ladder of BNOCness in no time at all. Just remember to never, ever be yourself.

•£1 Dorito’s •2 for £3 Pringle’s •Wholesale Lemon’s •3 for 1 on Jaffa’ Cake’s •£1 Maryland Cookie’s •£2 for Fresh Blueberry’s •Half Price Häägen-Däz’s Ice Cream •Carl’sberg •£5 on a’s’sorted chee’se •Xtreme Bi'scuit's 24

Features

Stream Lemon Juice Live!

The phrase DENCH comes from a semi-illiterate carpenter

Opinion Exchange: Should Scotland vote for independence?

England Wales We can’t believe that Scotland is getting to vote for their independence. I mean, like, we know that England’s always liked them better since they’re the younger sibling and all but you’d think they wouldn’t make it so obvious. We’ve always tried so hard to be good. We don’t sneak out and drink in parks. We work hard for good marks. We’ve been controlled by England for hundreds of years longer than Scotland and haven’t tried to revolt near as many times!

If we knew that we’d have been rewarded for that sort of behaviour we would have tried AGES ago.

But whatever. I guess we’ll just get back to being underappreciated by everyone like we normally are.

Wales, we get it. You feel underappreciated, but the truth is that we have you treated you more than respectably. We appreciate you just as much as you deserve. And if you actually wanted your independence, you probably would have asked. We might even give it to you. It probably would not impact us that much, even.

See, the thing about Scotland is that people have heard of them. If they leave, that’s big international news. Then all of a sudden we look like we can’t control our kids and next thing you know, no one wants to talk to our diplomats. We would become a useless country if that happened. If you left, the rest of the world will have to Wikipedia you first.

Now be quiet while the important people talk.

Lois Stone

Hotel Review: Bradford Travelodge Food: 1/5- there was a vending machine in the lobby. I bought a Mars Bar for £3 and drowned my sorrows with Sainsbury's Basics vodka.

Comfort: 2/5- I found the bed very hard until I realised I wasn't in bed but had passed out in the lobby on a drunken hunt for more Mars bars.

Decor: 3/5- Dentist's waiting room meets District 12. A combination of clinical wall decor and poverty furniture Cleanliness: 1/5- I did not feel the miniature soap could adequately wash off my feelings of shame

5 Reasons to Holiday in Mogadishu, Somalia 1. The picturesque beaches provide a romantic spot to spend time with your significant other.

2. The city set the scene for the iconic Black Hawk Down – perfect for film buffs.

3. The National Museum, Library, and Gallery mean that you’re never at a loss for new cultural experiences.

4. The market, established in 1972, provides an exciting and surprisingly safe place to pick up gifts for friends and family back home.

5. Thanks to it being an undiscovered gem, there’s no chance of running into anyone you know – a relaxing experience indeed!

Lois Stone

Sophie Gadd

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Weird Ramblings

25

Peyton Manning still refuses to stop crying, and leave his room

THE LEMON PRESS WINTER OLYMPICS EXCLUSIVE The only sports event nobody cares about Britain being shit at

GB Sochi Medal Concerns Quelled By Gay Rights A spokesperson for the Great Britain Winter Olympics team has finally dismissed growing concerns about the nation's seemingly hopeless medal chances.

A recent press conference was dominated by questions from journalists on the topic, including: “Did we win any medals last time?”, “Who have replaced Torvill and Dean?”, “When is Joe McElderry's medal ceremony?” and “Where is Mo Farah?”

Such a barrage of daunting inquiries by the frenzied British media was confidently addressed, however, as the spokesperson This guy doesn't matter anymore simply hushed the room and stated: “Gay rights is an important issue.” The previously raucous journalists had soon turned to contemplative muttering, before much nodding in agreement. The odd utterance of “very topical” could also be heard.

Now that Russia's controversial homophobic stance has been confronted, TeamGB's gold medal fears now seem a million miles away, and everyone can look forward to whatever degree of success they normally achieve.

James Lovatt

UKIP Weather Forecast Sochi 2014 A UKIP councillor recently claimed that the terrible weather currently affecting the UK was caused by the legalisation of gay marriage. Russia's debatable gay rights record has conversely led to weeks of sunshine. This is causing great problems for Sochi, the small town hosting the winter Olympics.

Suggestions from participating countries that perhaps refraining from beating up LGBT people might make it snow have fallen on deaf ears. The rest of the country has been slow to respond as they have been too busy sunbathing to care. When questioned about what he will going to do about the lack of snow, Putin swiftly denied claims of human rights abuse and said that he was in fact in charge of the weather so everything would be fine.

Sophie Gadd

26

Gay Rights

Like uninformed sports liveblogs?

Several lemons were harmed in the production ofthis magazine

More Doubts Raised Over Brazilian World Cup Stadium A FIFA spokesman has voiced concerns over the safety of the football stadium in Manaus, which is set to host a number of matches at this summer’s World Cup. A recent inspection reported that there were many structural question marks over both stands. That there were only two stands was another issue raised.

The main concern, however, has been over the evident cost-cutting procedures that have been taken as the Brazilian FA have sought to control a budget that has escalated quickly. In a bid to save money on construction materials, the stadium has been built entirely out of LEGO, with one stand being propped up exclusively by Bionicle figurines and the other being nothing more than half of a hollowed out Death Star.

One inspector, Bry Berry, couldn’t believe what he saw initially.

‘It’s unbelievable that a country of such a proud footballing heritage could resort to such measures. I mean, what sort of self-respecting construction company would use the half with the thermal exhaust port? We are literally one one-in-a-million shot away from having a catastrophe on our hands. You really would expect more than the use of LEGO from a BRIC nation.’

The stadium is set to kick off its World Cup campaign by hosting the England-Italy group stage match. Both teams have been critical of the stadium’s condition recently; although England may well be won over with the announcement that English firm Subbuteo will be supplying the pitch.

Kris Cheshire

BET-MAN and ROUND ROBINS, with ODDSWALD PLACEPOT The coming weeks are wonderfully rammed with sport to develop a gambling addiction on, although I do apologise for tipping Manchester United to achieve a top-10 finish at 1/100; looking back, it was a ridiculous suggestion.

On the topic of football, Arsenal face a tough task this weekend against a formidable Liverpool side. With players like Per 'the tree' Mertesacker and Wojojiech Szscheszseney in sterling form, get on Daniel Sturridge to score eight goals, at 4/11.

As for greyhound racing, we have the magnificent Not Just For Christmas Cup. A risky bet, but I have a feeling that every single race may be won by the hare: a measley bet of £24,000,000,000 could be the best £2 profit you've ever made.

Stay on the lookout for Operation Yewtree betting spreads.

Coronation Street has moved to second in the betting for the next soap to see someone nicked, after a particularly shifty labrador was seen eyeing up a child on Eastenders.

James Lovatt

@thelemonpress

Misplaced Optimism

27

“Cricket still a boring sport”-says everybody

Flowers Resigns Off the back of England’s 5-0 Ashes whitewash against the Aussies, reports have flooded in that England coach, Andy Flowers has taken gardening leave. An unimportant and unknown generic sports person had this to say: “Well, it’s no surprise that Flowers left. Some would say that he sowed the seeds of his wilting coaching career when he selected Root, who just couldn’t soak up the pressure at number tree. Others might argue that his failure stemmed from his preference of delicate petals like Trott, who didn’t cultivate enough runs. There is certainly something to be said for the pitches that didn’t Tredwell in that Aussie sunshine.

Taking the bloom for England's failure

“Further commentators have suggested that the new coach should look towards Paddies such as Eoin Morgan and Boyd-Rankin, but this could equally be something that Stokes the conflict within an internationalised England team.

It was already suggested Prior to the defeat that Flowers might seek pastures new and go into a more ornithological field, working with Kiwis. Nevertheless, the change in direction should yield a fresh crop of young England players; it is just a matter of striking the Ballance and making sure none of the old guard think they can Swann into training and reap the fruits of everyone else’s labour. It is clear that the Bell chimes for some of them in a rather Broad sense. Indeed, some careers are definitely Finnished.

“Controversy was Cooked up when journalists went against the grain and peppered one England spinner’s grandmother with questions, and ’er son declined to comment.”

With speculation in the air over who might rake in success for England following Flowers, it should be remembered that Monty Panesar, Scott Borthwick, Michael Carberry and Chris Tremlett just don’t have very punny names. It should also be remembered that nobody really cares about cricket.

Tom Murray

Hayley From Corrie Joins World Wrestling Entertainment After being written out of Coronation Street with a terrible case of cancer, Hayley Cropper has unsuprisingly turned to professional wrestling.

It is yet undecided whether she will become a diva or form a tag-team partnership with Brock Lesnar, but in an interview with Macho Man Weekly magazine, she said: "Turning to wrestling has always been a dream of mine. Roy was a semi-professional wrestler in his youth, until he decided that his real ambition lay in running a café, not throwing semi-naked men through non-purpose-built tables.

"I, on the other hand, have dreamed of slapping a man across the chest to half-consciousness, and pretending to punch a someone until they clumsily fall over some rather high ropes."

Actress Julie Hesmondhalgh has stated that she has nothing to do with Hayley's plans, and WWE fans are reportedly rather concerned with the prospect of a fictional character taking part in an incredibly dangerous and seriously 100% unstaged sport.

James Lovatt

28

Homoeroticism

Pictures of Cats

Did you know? Jeffrey Archer invented archery

"Giant Killing Unacceptable" Say Tall Footballers Delegates from football associations across Europe have been summoned to an emergency summit at the lair of Michel Platini, President of UEFA, located on an island in the middle of Lake Geneva below a rocky outcrop know locally as ‘Blatter’s Thumb’.

Representatives will discuss the increasing amount of criticism levelled at the sport due to its perceived apathy in preventing fee-fi-phobic hate crimes, better known as giant-killing. Prominent leagues in England, Germany and Spain have seen a spike in giant abuse this season leading to an increased focus on the situation. Meanwhile, in Italy, similar occurrences scheduled to take place in the near future are being investigated.

Recent notable incidents have included Sheffield United’s recent defeat of Fulham in the FA Cup after extra time, whereby tradition dictated that, following the final whistle, the 6 foot 6 Brede Hangeland was led to the centre-spot before being swiftly decapitated by the smallest member of the Blades. Activists have argued that whilst ‘this is a hugely symbolic gesture of the ability for the small to vanquish the big, for the few to conquer the many’ it is, essentially, ‘kind of illegal’.

This photo was taken with the help

Governments have also threatened to take action after a German of a crane under-7s team at the bottom of their league defeated their tabletopping opponents and the resultant massacre being attributed to ‘insufficient legislation on the procedure for multiple players of the same height.’ The losing side have since withdrawn from the league citing ‘player shortages'.

Tom Murray and Kris Cheshire

A VIEW FROM OVER THE POND with Hunter Cheeseboro III American football fever has struck Europe.

The Superbowl may have been and gone but, whilst we Americans must now sit at home watching FOX and stroking our guns whilst we wait for football to return, Europeans are currently enjoying their own football, or should I say “American football”, competition.

The Euro Bowl, colloquially known as the Six Nations over here, kicked off the other week with the Wales Dragons getting the W over the Italy Blues as they began their bid to remain the most winningest team in the Valleys area.

In the following game, Le Coq Sportifs got the points when their center receiver got the buzzer-beating touchdown to send London home disappointed.

In the other game, our heroes from Boston destroyed the Scotches, who retreated back to their caves in a way not seen since Japan left Okinawa. The European game is very much in its infancy, with the game largely devoted to the rushing attack with players very reluctant to attempt forward passes; the few that I saw always resulted in either incompletions or very generous fumble decisions awarded by the referee who, I admit, did seem very reluctant to throw any flags.

Nevertheless, football is alive and well across the Pond!!!

www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Kris Cheshire

Ball Kick

29

Ifyou can read this you’re not reading Circulation

Poetry The Ballad of a Student Politician My fellow students vote for me, So I can put this on my cv, Please, I promise to take all this cardboard down.

Tom Davies

Three Years A Slave

I’ve been spending my years a bit drunk and skint I’ve worked in some studying Our love was as sweet and fleeting (Just a wee little bit) But now is the time I complete my degree As is the Satsuma season And I go into the world Clementines sort of look similar Finished with these years three But are bitter and sadly familiar I just hope I can show the world what I know I guess you did not have the time That the skills I have learned have led me to grow For something as unusual as Lime I know everything I need I’m all ready, I’d bet Now I can taste with every hour I’m good at drinking and napping Only Lemon juice that’s sour Anonymous The best uni skill set

I Citrusted You

Lois Stone

Aries

You will soon be making new friends who will be helping you through a new and unfamiliar place. In retrospect you will realise you probably should have crashed at the house of someone you know after Willow.

Libra

You will meet a tall, dark stranger after a night out. It will turn out to be a lamppost, but that doesn’t mean you won’t chat about your hopes and dreams for two hours.

Scorpio

Real life dating hasn’t worked. Online dating hasn’t worked. RAG blind date events haven’t worked. It looks You will shortly be meeting The One. But your parents’ like the only option left to you is Tinder. If swiping right disapproval of them will create a divide in your family doesn’t do it then nothing will. so large that it will take the untimely death of your grandfather to get any of them to speak to you again. Sagittarius While looking for something “completely unrelated” you will accidently click a link that takes you to an online sex Gemini Your next date is going to go terribly. It’s not just going shop. This will become the greatest thing in your life. to be bad; it’s going to be really, really bad. There is no silver lining in this situation. It’s futile to even try to look Capricorn That attractive person in your seminar will finally notice for one. you, but it will be to tell you that you still have a Willow stamp on your forehead at your 4pm seminar. There go Cancer You’d probably be in a perfect relationship right now your attempts to seem classy. with that person who gave you their number on that night out if you hadn’t shattered your phone outside Aquarius You’re going to have to go on an amazing adventure to Oki’s. save your significant other involving highly trained assassins, a runaway train, and a high-speed chase. But Leo Look, we all get it. The person you’ve been dating since when you get to the part where you have to fight the year 12 is really great. They are. We’re all really happy dragon you’ll realise that it’s just a really great acid trip. about how happy you are with them, but we’d all like Pisces you more if you just shut up about it.

You’ll probably end up settled down and happy with a couple kids. But all of the time before then is going to be Virgo If you had been born under a different star sign then complicated, strange, and riddled with emotional hurdles.

But it’s the same for everyone else. So calm down. You’ll that one would be called “the virgin”. be fine.

Taurus

Time to Go Home

Lois Stone

30

@thelemonpress

Student Activities Wordsearch

Across: 2. Disaffected dicso owner 3. Source of protein on campus 4. Ugandan dictator of York 8. Scarfed Scouser Down: 1. Ugandan Dictator 4. Not really a subject 5 Belgian Overlord 6. Hopes and Dreams 7. College in Another Country

Spot the Difference: Belgian Edition

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