The Lemon Press – Issue 4

from the editors

Those familiar with The Lemon Press are likely to notice that since reaching the dizzying heights of success which national recognition implies, we have taken the bold step of selling out on sixty to sixty-five percent of what we stood for. To all those new to The Lemon Press, we’ve always been like this. Honest.

CONTENTS

CAMPUS POLITICS LIFESTYLE MUSIC/FILM SCI/TECH ARTS

This year we’re viler, cruder and even more ethnically diverse. The Lemon Press has placed itself on the centre stage of York media, by sort of tenderly groping the floor boards of said stage. You can find us laughing sycophantically at the attempted hilarity of The Team Alexander Allison our peers with a haughty sense of superiority.

Dominic Mantle Jamie Gallimore We pay homage to our past, founding generation with Edward Francis a snide poke at their age and doomed careers. Thanks Rachael Healy to their efforts, you can find us on Wikipedia; you can Nicholas Saul browse our new, effort-free website; even Oxbridge Sairah Rehman rejects can now write for us.

Andy Brown Chris Button This issue we’ve made a special effort to warn freshers of everything that’s wrong in the world. We hope Arthur Pitt to make you smile in a way that means your arse has Dave Walker to be clenched at the same time.

Ryan Fitzgerald

4-9 10-14 15-20 21-23 24-25 26-29

Co-Editor Co-Editor Dep. Editor/SciTech Deputy Editor Politics Editor Film Editor Arts Editor Lifestyle Editor Music Editor Chair/Cunting Dictator Treasurer/The Dave Secretary/Usurped Editor

More bigoted than that woman Sue put you with,

Dom and Alex

Want To Get Involved?!

Well we’d LOVE to have you. Anyone who has an interest in writing, drawing, computer design, website fingering, money laundering and generally taking the piss out of harder working people will find a home at The Lemon Press. Just come along to the meeting on the 19th October in V/120, at 7pm and meet likeminded freshers and grizzled veterans. If you can’t make the meeting, you can always email Arthur at chair@thelemonpress.co.uk. He can give you all the cuddles and info that you could ever need.

All uncited images property of The Lemon Press or stolen legally from Wikimedia. All other things, text, layouts, wit (or lack thereof) ©The Lemon Press 2010

The Lemon Press would formally like to thank YUSU for the phenomenally generous boon of our new ‘office’. Plans are currently afoot to hold a party for three dwarfs.

You can get more drivel at www.thelemonpress.co.uk

03

Did you know? Lemon Press socials regularly end either in extreme boggle or gunshot wounds

Did you know? An estimated 80% of rap songs are concerned with the rapper being “back”

CAMPUS NEWS

Survey shows year abroad in York “totally crap”

The International Office reported earlier this week that an endof-the-year survey revealed the unanimous consensus that visiting students detested the entirety of their time at York Uni. One American student explained that the experience was “a complete waste of a year. The University is totally crap. I had to struggle through a language barrier to figure out on my own the British university system, banking, and culture shock. I found I could only make friends with people who spoke my native tongue. I was tempted to just drink the lake water and end it all.” In response to the survey the International Office plans to make absolutely no changes to its procedures and services available to visiting internationals.

Commercial services told ‘Not all food needs olives’

Uni admits: Testing fire alarms at crack of dawn probably not strictly necessary

The Estates Office has been forced into a humiliating retreat after it realised there was little reason why it had to wake up entire blocks of students with early morning fire alarm tests. When shown evidence that there were other hours of the day in which to conduct the tests when students were less likely to be in bed, a staff member had little choice but to concur. “I’m afraid the proof is there for all to see,” they admitted. “There’s no good reason why the engineers can’t do something else first and come back to the inflicting near-hundred decibel noises on unsuspecting residents.” The news has come as a disappointment to York’s sadists. However, York Hospital’s hitherto overburdened cardiac ward is said to be delighted.

Selection of conveniences to move to Hes East

A number of students have complained that they risk appearing at best pretentious and at worst middle class when buying food at one of the university’s restaurants or bars. The food available in Vanbrugh Dining Room is known only to include organic conflict-free sandwiches containing sliced olives, and lentil risotto-salad, while most people who go there for lunch would be quite happy buying a snack from which they weren’t forced to remove at least one component. The situation in Wentworth Edge, meanwhile, has become critical, with the outlet recently adopting a policy of only selling food nobody in their right mind would buy.

The scheme of relocation which is seeing various departments and colleges moving to the University of York’s second campus at Heslington East will take with it random parts of the overpriced supermarket Costcutter. Amongst the sections to make the switch will be frozen foods, bread and milk. The decision was taken after top bosses discovered that no retailer thought the new campus profitable enough for an entire store. If the initial trial period of inconveniencing students proves successful, which it will, the relocation of further amenities will follow.

These are believed to include all ATMs, most of the functional washing machines and the odd diarrhoeic duck.

Legal Announcement The Lemon Press has formally announced its commitment to sue ‘We Buy Any Car’ ltd. under standard British legal precedent, on grounds of false advertising. This follows the January 2009 event in question, where various members of TLP had Hornby Die Cast 12 scale models of numerous Fords and Skodas turned away by the sinisterly deceptive ‘We Buy Any Car’ franchise. In a similar case in March 2009, a Joe Regan original drawing of a big red car was shockingly turned away. ‘We Buy Any Car’ were unavailable for comment. TLP assumes they are quaking in their many automobiles, attempting to count their losses and wondering where it all went wrong.

LEMON PRESS VOUCHER #23054 BUY ONE, GET ONE FULL PRICE

Hip Hop Module not available to “Bitches and Ho’s”

As you kick back and relax in your introductory lectures, spare a thought for the students taking recently introduced Sociology module Hip Hop Studies, whose future is already in doubt this early in the year. The module, being run by recently qualified Dr. Clarence ’Big Poppa’ Smith PhD (Compton), has been condemned by equal rights groups after the descriptor stated that a prerequisite for the option was “not being a bitch or a ho’”. One outraged student demanded that the department clear up what precisely this meant. “I mean it’s all pretty vague isn’t it? What actually constitutes being a bitch? I’ve spent the day listening to various hip hop artists and there is no real consensus opinion.”

“discharge”

In the groundbreaking module, believed to be the first of its kind in the UK, students will be given an insight into the life of gangsters in run-down areas of California, touching upon such issues

University rocked by non-arbitrary protest Students across campus Thursday were shocked to bear witness to a well-planned, carefully executed, non-obnoxious display of activism organised in response to an actually important issue taking place within university grounds.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in all my time here”, Clare Davis, a third year History of Art student told The Lemon Press. “I knew some kind of demonstration was scheduled to take place, but then when I actually saw it approach, rather than seeing banners saying “keep the Courtyard open an hour later” and hearing shouts of “someone has to flick that one big fly off the mirror in the Vanbrugh toilets NOW”, I was stunned to see people actually making some kind of serious political stand.

The relevance of it all was just… striking.”

as the economics of drug dealing, along with lessons on gang sign language and how to discharge a 9mm pistol.

One male prospective student told us, “In this time of austerity, one can really learn from the messages portrayed through hip hop. The protagonist in the song is invariably concerned with providing for his other half, or ‘bitch’, in an economy that is throwing up tough challenges in the job market. Oh the 9mm stuff? That’s just a reason to blow shit up.”

“sticky spot”

At present The Lemon Press is unable to comment on rumours that the module was really commissioned by a member of the Sociology department after ‘Big Poppa’ got him out of a “sticky spot involving a suitcase of cocaine and two unaccounted-for escort girls” whilst on holidaying in Barbados.

Andy Brown Eyewitness accounts have as yet failed to provide confirmation of the subject of the protest, but there has been widespread amazement at the manner in which it was conducted.

“You know, I actually don’t think I saw one jester hat all day?” reported first year James Gibson. “I cannot believe I witnessed a point being made here today without the aid of some kind of large drum.”

The success of the appropriate, non-aggravating demonstration has been so striking that a number of similar events have already been organized for the start of next term. When asked for a comment, the head of Samba York told The Lemon Press, “Now we literally have nothing to do, fuck”.

Ed Francis

Buy any drink at a University of York campus bar, and get another FREE of any kind of special discount!

Terms and conditions apply. Offers may not be valid on campus anywhere or at all. Can only be used in conjunction with other offers. Voucher has high cash value if traded to the right people but we won’t tell you who they are. To reclaim time lost reading these terms and conditions, please email treasurer@thelemonpress.co.uk with your complaints, vacuous comments and propositions.

by Samuel Partridge

04

Campus

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05

Did you know? 70% of people will taste salt if they pretend to shake a salt shaker over their tongue.

Did you know? York Vision have been known to relocate our magazines to the floor to make space for what can only be described as their nsewpraep

Which College Should You Be In?

Today, town councillors at the seaside resort of Piddleton On Sea revealed their new plan for boosting tourism next season... or is that Tourrorism!?

YES

Sports are great!

NO

YES

I love a quiet pint I get loads of BBZ

College events are going to be amazing!

NO

YES

I’ve already registed with the campus health centre

NO

The internet PWNZ real friends

YES

NO

YES

NO

Concrete isn’t that bad...

YES

NO

Blue Algae doesn’t scare me.

I love a good water feature, me.

YES

YES

NO

Showering is for pussies

YES

You can’t beat a good walk

YES

NO

I’ll be in the S.U. bar every night.

YES

I just luurrrrve the sound of drilling

YES NO

NO

Sorry, I meant wank.

YES

NO

NO

Youth is overated.

YES

A B C D E F G H Answers: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H... No one gives a fucking SHIT...

06

Campus

The marketing campaign, which is costing in excess of 20,000 goats, is set to promote Piddleton’s newly developed lido, Abu-Hamza-Creche, and the Shoe-Bomb-NPolish spit shine services.

Opposition to the new scheme has been surprisingly quiet, despite several think tanks describing the town council as having “quite unbelievably bad taste”. Mr. Frumpy has denied such allegations, saying, “If they think that these plans are bad taste, they obviously haven’t tried our new novelty beer-hat-bomb-vest combo!”

NO

NO

It’s a real shame I couldn’t bring my pony to university YES

YES

Daylight isn’t all that...

YES

YES

NO

NO

NO

NO

Oh my C.O.D!(4)

YES

YES

I can’t wait to get to the library

NO

What DID I do in The Willow last night?

NO

NO

YES

YES

HUH?!

I cope well with disappointment

YES

I can’t wait to get my hands on some college-branded trackie Bs.

By “books” I meant porn...

Hogarth R. Frumpy (Town Mayor and Director of Quintessentialness) remarked, “It seems like an untapped market: inviting terrorists to holiday, squat and even plot at our little seaside town. Brighton has the gay market, Blackpool has the thrill-seekers, and now Piddleton has the Jihadists! It’s perfect!”

Want more?

NEWSFLASH!

Suicide suspected in pot-hole death man case Police in Cumbria have said that a man found dead at the bottom of a pothole is likely to have committed suicide. The man, who has been identified as a local man who enjoyed going for midnight walks without a torch, had a broken ankle, a heavy beard and was markedly thin. “All the tell-tale signs of suicide are there – no gunshot wounds, no reason to believe that anybody wanted this man dead. In retrospect, his cries for help, which were heard over a number of days by passers-by, may well have been a cry for help,” said the Chief Constable of Cumbria Police. “It’s just a bit odd and kind of rude for somebody not to make an effort – you know, have a shave, maybe put on some nice clothes, write a letter just to make our job easier...”

BBC defends Countryfile music choices The BBC has insisted that soundtracks consisting of songs by such bands as The Killers, Kings of Leon and Slipknot are appropriate for its countryside themed magazine show Countryfile. The pensioner pleaser, whose presenters include death dodger John Craven and sinfully boring ex-Blue Peter front man Matt Baker, features items largely characterised by the presence of grass and hills, which has led to suggestions that frantic guitars, lurid lyrics and thrash metal may not be the best accompaniment. However, the channel’s controller argued that the broadcaster needed to try to reach a younger audience, and that appalling cultural juxtapositions were clearly the way to go about it.

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Join one of York’s many amazing societies this week!!!!

I’d rather stay in with a good book than go to The Big Bang

NO

Terrorist Hotspot: Great Place To Get A Tan!

07

Did you know? 200 undistributed copies of TLP make a poor throne

True Story: Someone got onto the TLP website this year by googling “Dame Judi Dench Tits” ...we’re on the first page of search results

Letters, emails, texts, tweets, smoke signals, crusades, jihads etc.

“I was shocked to note in your last issue a distinct lack of political bias when discussing the election. Ridiculous! I wasn’t sure whether you hated the Tories or just plain despised them.” Elgar Buntle, Tang Hall.

“I never had a lock on my room at home.

Now that I am at university - I can lock my bedroom door in Goodricke! But now I have found that masturbation no longer gives me the same thrill.

How pleased was I to find you can just WALK into some parts of Vanbrugh!”

Albert Bruggunton, Goodricke.

“Somewhere in amongst the goose and duck faeces on campus, I have deposited my own pile of waste. Can your readers tell which one it is?!” Adrian Hartley, Halifax.

-Well, Lemon Press readers, can YOU tell which is bird mess and which is human mess? Write to us at ‘I know which faeces is Adrian’s faeces, The Lemon Press, York University’!

The first entry out of the top hat on November 1st gets a free copy of NOUSE. “All this campus politics is a load of arse. No one gives a fuck about who is who, or what policies YUSU has. Also, there’s no such thing as campus fucking celebrities. I didn’t vote and I’m PROUD.” Tim Ngwena, YUSU. “So I decided to start watching The One Show the other day. Terribly dull, overly long and very annoying hosts.

At least YSTV can use budget as an excuse.” Francis Vesterbule, Fulford.

“I made up a good word the other day and I thought your readers might appreciate it: Angioplasty.” Terrance Numbly, Abergavenny.

-Ooo sorry Terrance, but that is in fact already a word. Better luck next time. If you think you can do better than Terrance, drop us an email at chair@thelemonpress.co.uk and maybe you’ll be printed in our absorbent pages!

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Campus

Want more?

Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

“My brother and I were having an argument and couldn’t decide. Who is sexier, Theresa May or Harriet Harman?”

Ed Miliband, Westminster.

“I wish the sports teams would coordinate their socials so not all be in Ziggy’s on the same Wednesday. Some weeks the number of todgers on show is too much to handle, other weeks the dearth of revealed peckers is miserable.

Communication please...” Dora Bundy, The Dales.

“I am from testicle mountain. Are any of your readers from testicle mountain?” Georgy, Testicle Mountain.

-Well readers, are any of you from this mystical place? Drop us an email and tell us all about it? [Are we sure this is a genuine letter? I’ve been to testicle mountain and it’s pretty inhospitable - ed.]

“You sure are the sexiest bunch of satirists that I PERSONALLY have ever encountered.” Brian Cantor, York Vice Chancellor.

-Well thank you very much Mr Vice Chancellor, sir.

“I’m worried that our offensive slang has been too outsourced. What’s wrong with Brit’s eye?” Nick Griffin, Barking.

“Wearing a beanie hat on hot days is a great way of communicating how much of a cool dude you are to the rest of your new house mates in Fresher’s week. Perhaps some sunglasses at night could round off the look!” Edwin Verity, Alcuin.

“Nostradamus predicted many of the disasters in living memory. Diana’s death, 9/11 and even hurricane Katrina.

But what I want to know is, why does Delia suggest three minutes to soft boil an egg when four minutes is far more appropriate?” Emily Cody, Wentworth.

“I’ve discovered this awesome gambling system. If I double up red and black bets on a roulette wheel when I lose, but return to the start when I win - I am guaranteed to win money over time! Sounds great! I’m off to solve all of my problems at work!” George Osbourne, Whitehall.

“I just burped and farted at the same time... but neglected to do a backflip.

I’m started to think all my childhood assumptions are incorrect.” Arthur Grundy, Vanbrugh.

-That’s nothing! Recently at Lemon headquarters we discovered two wrongs make a right, your face doesn’t stick when the wind changes and although it isn’t socially acceptable to pick one’s bum, it won’t make Jesus cry.

“My nan could beat up your readers’ nans.” Grace Farway, Selby.

-Well Lemon readers, what do you think to Grace’s ambitious claim?

Perhaps you’d like to arrange some sort of nan fight. They could bake cakes, rub cheeks with spittle-coated thumbs, or even just fight each other with muskets.

You decide! Entries to chair@thelemonpress.co.uk.

“A toilet brush makes an excellent toothbrush for a giant. And for even bigger giants, it works just as well as an ear swab.” Justine Pinnet, Goodricke.

“I love my life. Spending all my time in and around campus. Making as much noise as I want with my friends. Getting aggressive. Shitting wherever I choose.

Yep, York is for me!” Mr Goose, The Lake.

Wanna get printed? Easy peasy! Just write some shit and send it in to us to chair@thelemonpress.co.uk or tweet it or something. Whatever. You know you aren’t going to. What are you?

Chicken? Buk buk buk buk.

09

The Lemon Press is however an anagram of that age old question: Herpes melts, no?

Did you know? The Lemon Press is an anagram of motherless pen, molten spheres and smelters phone - none of which can be incorporated into any jokes

Nick Clegg Struggles To Get A Word In Edgeways

An Evening With Mahmoud

As leaders of repressive, authoritarian states go, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really is a slob. His house is littered with discarded, blood-splattered clothes, foil takeaway dishes and well-thumbed copies of BAE Monthly (he refuses to employ a cleaner on the basis that “they’re all women”.) The walls are heavily charred as a result of his penchant for burning the effigies of Western leaders. But potentially more harmful than the dense smoke are the radioactive particles that coat every surface - his attempts to enrich uranium in the spare room mean that visitors are obliged to don Hazmat suits. Nevertheless, he welcomes me into his home.

“Ouch,” I say, as he throws only a handful of gravel at my face.

The heavier, sharper stones are reserved for occasions of state.

Dapper suit a front for dire housekeeping.

“So the rumours are just that?” I ask.

“No no, they’re true,” he says, “I hate the bastards. But I was given it as a present and it really is too nice to waste. Just keep it quiet, alright?”

So did he ever think, back when he was just an angry, intolerant young man, that he’d be doing it on the world stage?

“Not at all. I didn’t plan on a career in politics. I was just lucky I suppose.”

We move onto fashion. “You’re well known for your sharp dress sense. Do you worry too much about your appearance and not enough about human rights?”

He laughs. “Everybody’s allowed one weakness aren’t they?

Mine is a nice suit. And my tailor is handsomely rewarded – his job means he has the right to stitch, which shouldn’t be sneered at. Not in Iran.”

A public stoning is scheduled for first thing the next morning and my host is set to officiate, so naturally my interview can’t drag on too long. I move onto some of the more controversial questions.

There were scenes of confusion during the PM’s address this morning when Deputy PM Nick Clegg was seen jostling with David Cameron as the Conservative leader attempted to give his speech.

Mahmoud: Dapper suit a cover for dire housekeeping

Why does he want Iran to go nuclear? “Well, between you and me the renewables just aren’t coming along quickly enough.”

Another burning issue is Iran’s hostility to Israel. “Why don’t you recognise the Israeli state? Wouldn’t it be more conducive to peace in the region to acknowledge that both Israelis and Palestinians have a claim to land?”

“No you misunderstand, I literally don’t recognise it. It looks just like Syria to me; the countryside doesn’t change as you’re going down the motorway. Haven’t you ever been surprised that you’ve crossed the border into Scotland?”

At this point Mahmoud yawns pointedly and begins to shift about. Not wanting to invite a fatwa, I thank him for his time. But before Ahmadinejad retires he leaves me with some quick thoughts on a few other issues...

On adulterers: “Stone them.”

On post-election protestors: “Stone them.”

On his own children: “Stone them. No wait, you tricked me! Just a beating will do, for now...”

On me: “Well you seem a lovely chap, but I saw you taking a biscuit without asking earlier so I’m going to have to chop your hand off. Soz.” Dominic Mantle

10

Politics

Want more?

“I (we), David (and Nick) Cameron (Clegg) have decided to tackle the issues facing our country head on. I (we) will not shirk from making tough decisions on the economy, the NHS (electoral reform...), and immigration. This Conservative (and Lib Dem) government will move Britain forward. Me and my fellow Conservative (and Lib Dem) MPs have drawn up a list of proposals, which you can see freely at www.rightgov.org (the Lib Dems also support these proposals). That is all. Thank you (thank you from me as well!).”

This is not the first instance of over-competitiveness surfacing amongst high-level politicians. When Mr Cameron moved into Number 10, he reportedly found an ‘unflushable’ floater in the downstairs toilet, accompanied by a note saying “Something to remember me by (you’re in the shit now). Love Gordon.”

There are currently no existing photographs of Nick Clegg

Please, no electoral reform. I’m far too drunk.

No reform. Please. I’ve drunkened an awful lot of Pimms and champagne. Peoples always say to me that the first post the past system is outdated and unrepresentatative. And that is an awful shame.

“Change it” they say, “until it’s changed.”

But I can’t. I can barely stand. Osboner made me chug my champers, rather than quaff it. Now all I want to do is get a kebab, then accost Sam and go to sleep. Nick goes on at me about it about stuff.

“The current system is rubbish” he says. “We deserve more seats” he says. “I look foolish in this dress you bought me” he says. “Change it!”

But I can’t. I can barely see. Duncan Smithy made me drink a Pimms jug through some guttering and it’s like there’s striking miners in my head. So no I will not call for a change to our electoral rules, mister president.

Ministry of Utter Waffle states “social mobility requires both change and continuity”

This was strongly supported by the Ministry of Vague Promises, which declared, “Things are improving. We will do our best. Or at least we will do something. Probably.”

On a day of extensive Government comments, the Ministry of Diverting Attention also said, “Guess what? There’s a bank holiday coming up!”, whilst the Ministry of Weaselling Out of Things stated, “It’s not our fault! It’s the last governments fault!” In a further attempt to reassure the public, the Ministry of Meaningless Statistics added, “100% of our successful policies have not been failures”.

The Government’s claims were strongly rebuffed however by the Shadow Minister for Mindlessly Opposing Everything the Government Does or Says, who stated, “They’re always wrong. We’re always right.”

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11

Breaking News: One in five men ‘totally gayer than me’, says leading scientist

Cameron (economically) Rapes Children And Pensioners.

Cut-happy Cameron strikes another cruel blow at the most vulnerable members of our society with yet more ill-advised public spending cuts. Primary school-aged children, and the elderly will bear the brunt of Cameron’s reckless economic lacerations, the result definitely (maybe) being complete societal collapse.

By slashing heating allowance the majority of old age pensioners will (almost) certainly freeze to death in their own homes this winter. And as if this wasn’t cruel enough, the poorest children in our state schools will (probably) all starve to death as free school meals are abolished.

Some local working-class mothers, whose children have previously benefitted from the free school meal system, made a poignant statement to us about the upcoming cuts: “Cameron is (possibly) the devil, and his mum is (in all probability) a massive slag.”

Breaking News: IBAN number 5318008 proclaimed funniest in world

Ministry of Tautology proclaims announcement The government had a surprising shock today when the Ministry of Tautology announced that it would no longer be policing Britain’s media to inhibit and prevent tautological crises.

At 9 a.m. this morning, a spokesperson said: “It is a significant milestone to lower the national rate of tautology to half what it was when before it was double. However, in this day and age we must move on to new innovations, one after another in succession. Now, personally in my opinion I think this is the only way the country can advance forward.”

Naturally the announcement has created a very angry uproar, particularly at local council level where tautology is relied upon to fill word count quotas on reports and legislation.

Disapproving protests have already been organised for the first Monday of next week.

In addition, the tautology spokesman added “We don’t see why this would be a problem, since the majority of perceived tautology nowadays is merely only pleonasm.”

However, this has been ignored by the majority of the British public, who dismiss pleonasm as an unnecessarily pretentious addition to a spoof article which was starting to lose its charm a few paragraphs earlier. After all, that’s just another side of a round circle. Ahem...

Arthur Pitt

Labour Leadership Contest Highlights

- Ed Balls issues plea for the contest not to descend into a ‘soap opera’. Andy Burnham responds by screaming “you slag” at Balls over the dinner table and smashing a plate over his face.

- Contest gets ugly when Ed Miliband brings up the time David filled his teddy with ants 35 years ago.

- Contest gets creepy when Gordon Brown turns up.

- Contest gets silly when a clown turns up.

- Contest descends into a competition to see which candidate can prove to be the most desperate; results in Jodie Marsh facing off against a man literally on fire.

- Thousands of people are hospitalized throughout the country with laughter-related injuries after one candidate claims, during televised debate, that they intend to lead the country one day.

- Tony Benn turns up to save the day; tragically, however, senility leads him to the wrong conference, and David Cameron leads the Conservative party in laughing him out.

12

Politics

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Seven Reasons Why We Need To Replace Trident Getting nuclear weapons is what all the cool countries are doing.

It will help us to get rid of some of our bounteous budget surplus. All that money piled up in the Treasury, twiddling its thumbs... Let’s treat ourselves after all these years of financial prudence.

Now that the relevant money has been ring-fenced, it would cause a great deal of hassle to the recently downsized MoD not to squander it on munitions that will in all likelihood never be deployed.

You can’t beat a good arms race. Agadir Crisis anyone?

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If Iran get nuclear weapons, then so will Syria, Lebanon, Qatar, Liechtenstein, Telford and Noel Edmonds. Clearly, instead of trying to stop this happening, it would be wise to arm ourselves to the teeth, sit tight, and ignore the historical trend of people of different nationalities habitually trying to destroy each other. I’ll get the Spam, you seal all the windows and doors.

The only feasible alternative is pacifism, which everybody knows is naive; it’s all about prolonging the Cold War and watching the US and Russia play Nuclear Capable Superpower Call My Bluff.

I’ve been chewing this piece far longer than anyone should ever chew a lump of flavoured rubber... Confectionary joke?

Cadbury’s? No?

13

Did you know? 40% of adult males go dizzy when attempting to bob their head with their mouth open and eyes closed

Breaking News: Man wakes from lengthy coma into dreariness of existence

Pakistan Exports Terror; Britain Imports Fear

Mere weeks after the lamentation of Pakistan’s Pakistan’s payroll have left a nation of middle-class rose ‘export of terror’, the United Kingdom finds itself peril- pruners thoroughly deflated. ously close to capitulation at the hands of

The big worry is that this is not the first incident a subliminal terrorist backlash. Enraged of note upon these shores. Three Afghan agents purportby Prime Minister David Cameron’s aledly working for the ISI were arrested on suspicion of legations, Jihadist organisation trespassing and intention to cause criminal damage after Jaish-e-Mohammed, under the sneaking into the Tetley Tea processing plant in London; command of Admiral Altheir sole purpose, to cut larger holes in the bags and lahu Akbar, have launched a ruin 85% of the nation’s mornings. At present, soldiers stunning attack on quintesare stationed at the Royal Observatory, with Apache sentially British traditions, helicopters on standby, as the government prepares with the gentleman’s game to stave off rumoured attacks on Greenwich Mean of cricket the first to bear Time. the brunt of extremist

Some have predicted that this is far more rage. than a reactionary movement against the nation

Having fairly dein response to the Prime Minister’s implied acfeated a more than comcusations. Indeed, one could claim that the petent Pakistan side over four tests, attacks could be steady and prolonged. ExEngland’s national pride was severely perts suggest it stretches back to 2007, winded by match-fixing allegations. The when an insufferably entertaining Lemon Press has discovered that this was family of Pakistani origin infilin fact a conspiracy orchestrated by Pakistan trated one of Britain’s – and, captain Salman Butt (coincedentally, the best importantly, Cameron’s – man at Akbar’s arranged marriage). In desperabest-loved depressing tion, key Pakistani cricketers filmed themselves taksoap operas. ing bribes after the defeat, altered the digital timestamp, Craig Dobson leaked the video to the media, and finally, to ensure the bizarre plan’s success, firmly denied any wrongdoing or involvement. In undermining what was a series of fantas- Stuart Broad celebrated, but the last laugh tic performances by England’s cricketers, terrorists on was on him

Hat: Weaved

By Wage Slaves

Cigarette: By Peer Pressure

Checked Shirt: By 1981

TOPSHIT

It has been revealed that an un-named NUS Award winning campus magazine has struck a secret deal with a well known high street clothing store, famed for its groundbreaking fashion and reasonable prices. It is believed the witty publication has been barred from announcing its link with the popular clothing chain due to fears that it may affect future YUSU funding and, as a result, said magazine will have to resort to shameful plugs hidden within pseudo-articles. The Lemon Press sent a reporter to this apparently chic, brilliant, one could say top, shop for a comment. However upon arrival, despite finding very friendly and knowledgeable staff who were more than happy to help her shop, she was ultimately unsuccessful in getting a quote. Watch this space for more news.

T-Shirt: Borrowed Off Girlfriend, Shrunk In Dryer Sunglasses: By Andy, Down The Market

Jeans:

By Gary, The Local Tramp

Tear In Jeans: Custom Left Shoe: By Topman

14

Politics

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Right Shoe:

By Topman

Socks: Ironed

By Mummy

Lifestyle

15

In the news this week: Cameron praises national abundance of sexy singles near you

Breaking News: Potatoes actually gay oranges, top scientist reveals

Places To Drink In York

Seven Things You Will Do This Year

As natural booze hounds, incoming Freshers will require an insight into where in York are great places to get their drink on. We at The Lemon Press are more than happy to oblige this budding alcoholism with a fine assortment of lush locales.

CAMPUS

Lecture Halls.

Hydration is very important in keeping the brain functioning.

Not that anyone’s learning anything anyway so you may as well fill that water bottle with gin.

22 Acres.

Whether it is pre-sport, inter-sport, or post-sport, it is always valid to drink in the vicinity of athleticism. And it makes cricket bearable.

The Shower.

A beer in the shower is the pinnacle of sophistication. It’s that extra boost of confidence everyone needs in the morning/late night/after getting thoroughly drilled in American Football.

The Communal Kitchen.

This is an excellent location for pre-drinking as well as drinkingdrinking. Plus it’s a great place to meet people like the kinda shy international students who will spend the rest of the year assuming you are some sort of trainwreck hardcore tank.

At The Computer.

If years of schooling have taught you one thing it’s that you’re brilliant. That’s how you got into York in the first place. You can write that paper or lab report or whatever in your sleep. So why not do it while drinking? I know! There’s no reason not to. It’s a fool-proof plan.

The Many Fine Bars Run By The Uni. Ha! Gotcha. I’m just messing with you.

Alone In Your Room.

Possibly because you have no friends. Maybe because you’re failing your course. Perhaps because you actually have a serious problem you need to address. Most likely because you’re awesome, though, right? Just don’t cry while you’re doing it because then it’s pathetic.

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Lifestyle

Bar of the week Rumours

Ah, always a joy. Greeted without fail by the smell of other peoples’ urine, I slink my way through the heavily partisan crowds with my head down, afraid that if I look up, I’ll look at Bianca in the wrong way, and her other half, inevitably called Kelvin, will offer me a knuckle sandwich... and looking at the stuff congealing under his fingernails, that’s not going to be a tasty morsel. Though I harbour no desire to ever set foot in here again, I have to say, their drinks are well priced - better than the others on show here - and perilously cheap Jager-Bombs are always welcome in exchange for nothing more than back-pocket lose change.

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1. Steal food - I should point out, this is not condonable, and if you get caught doing it you will be derided as some sort of rapist of fridges. However, when you’ve run out of milk, and all you want is a cup of tea, and there are eight cartons of milk there, what’s going to win, really?

2. Hate geese (applies also to ducks and swans) - This is unimaginable in the first week; you’ll be smitten with the novelty of living in a farmyard. You’ll have your own favourite avian friend which you’ll name, feed and love... Cut to six months later, when your weary, sleep-deprived mind interprets their incessant honks as mocking laughter and you smile in your bed as you lucidly dream of strangling them.

3. Misuse your sink 4. Make something in the kitchen, that, if your mum saw, she’d force you to come home - Personal favourites include: The Sausage Roll Sandwich: Two Sainsbury’s basics sausage rolls sandwiched between two slices of toasted bread, served with a side of Chilli Heatwave Doritos... and, The Pizza-Burger: A wok-sized minced beef-based patty served on a bed of fourteen-inch pizza, generously topped with an upturned fourteen-inch pizza.

5. Fall in love - This particularly applies to those from all boys (or all girls) schools and/or pointless retirement villages. The relative talent in the first few weeks will cause you to ‘fall for’ several people, most of whom you won’t actually find out the names of. Prepare to spend the most part of the year talking in rejected Stieg Larsson book titles: ‘The girl who smells like skittles’, ‘the girl with the really fat friend’...

6. Convince yourself you have a special understanding with Mr. Efe - You probably will, Mr. Efe’s the best.

7. Watch a whole series on iPlayer/4OD that you don’t actually like - I’m not saying first year is boring, but there will be a lot of free time in the day as you try to nurse yourself back to health after the night before. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself in bed with your laptop all afternoon, riveted to Heston Blumenthal’s weird, weird scalp.

Sam Russell

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17

Breaking News: The Quiet Place faces being shut down, following investigations which suggest it has been being used as a crack den

Breaking News: The Lemon Press ‘immature and stupid’, say poopieheads at The Yorker

TRIED AND

University - a place to experience new sensations: starvation, mal-nutrition, the on-set of scurvy. In response The Lemon Press declares a hearty guffaw of indignation, offering you pasty ragamuffins a quick solution to every culinary dilemma. These olfactory delights and taste-bud tinglers come in one difinitively student form: the Toastie.

The versatile pesudo sandwich is here pushed to its limits and back again, by our team of nauseous staff. Guinea pig to the experiment is Jamie, our beloved Deputy Editor. We recommend the following recipes are only consumed under the supervision of a responsible satirist.

TOASTED Ingredients: Lemon Cheesecake, Lemon Juice, Lemon, Lemon and Lime chewy sweets, Yellow food colouring, Prep time: One trip to Co-op

Toastie Two: Lemon

Ingredients: Raspberry Jelly, Jaffa Cakes, Cadbury's Creme Egg Twist bar Prep time: About as long as it takes to stop hiccuping.

Toastie Three: Dessert Ingredients: Co-op branded Liver and Bacon with Mashed Potato toastie Prep time: 5 mins in the microwave

Liver and Bacon with Mashed Potato Toastie One: Co-op

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Lifestyle

Humour value: 7/10 - We're called The LEMON Press and we made something Lemony.

Messiness: 11/10 - Jamie burnt his mouth on the molten lava like Starburst.

Nutritional value: Very poor/10 - We now know what rotting teeth smell like.

Keep downability - 5/10 - Steadily coming to regret his voluntary role.

Jamie's insight: 'If I go blind, I'm suing.'

Humour value: 6/10 - It was entirely unnecessary for us to make a bad meal worse.

Messiness: 7/10 - Jamie's hands looked like a festival toilet point.

Nutritional value: 8/10 - Better than that Coco Pops sandwich you had for breakfast.

Keep downability: 9/10 - Bear in mind this was the first toastie.

Jamie's insight: 'Tasted about as bland as Nouse.'

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Humour value: 6/10 - We didn't think it all through.

Messiness: 12/10 - Jamie's hands were covered in a gluey substance that wouldn't be out of place in Ghostbusters 2.

Nutritional value: 1/10 - Essentially diabetes in a sandwich.

Keep downability: 4/10 - Gagging slightly.

Jamie's insight: 'I've been waiting to eat this since I was four.'

Ingredients: Chunks of Turkey and Lamb in jelly Prep time: A yelp, woof and four barks

Toastie Four: Dog

food

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Humour value: 9/10 - It's a toastie. With dog food! Oh, such merriment!

Messiness: 2/10 - Thick and pasty - stays where it's put.

Nutritional value: 2/10 - Enough to keep the tail wagging, but not much else.

Keep downability: NA/10 - Gurgled sounds for the next twenty minutes mean we can offer you no definitive answer.

Jamie's insight: 'That's it, I quit.'

19

Did you know? It is sixteen years since there was a free desk in the JB Morrell Library

Breaking News: Narcissists continue to deny that ‘I, myself’ is grammatically unnecessary in every situation

Ke$ha revealed to be second coming of the Whore of Babylon

Dear Aunty Raz Dear Aunty Raz, My new girlfriend has a moustache. I didn't notice it when I first asked her out, but six days in it has become a real source of distraction. I try to talk to her about Aristotle's golden mean, French films, and the likelihood of the coalition lasting until the end of the year, but find it impossible to focus on anything but her moustache. Please help me!

Tobias Dear “Tobias”, It is possible that your girlfriend is suffering from a mild case of hirsutism, meaning that she has an overactive pituitary gland, leading to the levels of male hormones in her system being higher than in the average woman, causing an increase in the speed of growth, pigmentation, girth and intensity of her body hair.

As for what you should do, decide whether you like this moustache. If not, shave it off while she’s asleep.

I hope this helps!

Love Aunty Raz x Dear Aunty Raz, I'm in love with this hipster girl. Her ruffled hair mesmerizes me, her fur coat tantalises me and when I look into her eyes through those lens-less spectacles I think I see a spark of lust. I've written her numerous electro-funk-country-rap fusion songs, and knitted her uncountable animal- themed sweatshirts and yet she still eludes my advances. How can I make her realise that I am the one for her?

L Dear “L”, Be more ironic.

And NEVER use the word hipster.

Love Aunty Raz x

Dear Aunty Raz, I have absolutely gorgeous, naturally sun-lightened hair which just looks completely fabulous when it's all organic and ruffled as if I just rolled out of bed. Who can blame me for running my fingers through these sexy locks at every possible opportunity? However, in the past couple of months a terrible tragedy has befallen me. My hair is falling out.

You must help me.

HB Dear “HB”, Jam a Jack Wills bag on your head. In this way people can still form exactly the same opinion of you as they used to.

Love Aunty Raz x Dear Aunty Raz, I've always worn really sensible shoes and I never go out without tucking in my shirt and putting on a nice tie. Nevertheless I find it hard to 'pick up' women and I now suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome.

What should I do?

From Anonymous Dear “Anonymous”, Firstly I advise you spend less time with Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters, and more time at the gym. Secondly, have you tried speed dating? Admittedly it may do little for your confidence being rejected by twenty women in one night, but there’s no harm in trying. Good luck!

Love Aunty Raz x

Do you want the benefit of Aunty Raz’s advice? Write in to chair@thelemonpress.co.uk, and hopefully we’re present it to the bestest aunty around!

20

Lifestyle

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The music world was rocked this week by news that the freckled, disposable pop starlet Ke$ha is an incarnation of the biblical harbinger of corruption and evil known as the Whore of Babylon.

The story was first broken in Q Magazine after extensive research and investigation by reporter Mark Bell, whose attention had been aroused by similarities between the singer’s lyrics and biblical passages. “Having been brought up in a Catholic school, something in the song ‘Tik Tokk’ immediately resonated with me. Reading back through the Book of Revelations, I was stunned to find it written: “... and I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, tryin’ a’ get a little bit tiiiiiiiipsyyyyyyyyyyy.”

Bell’s suspicions were confirmed when he trespassed backstage during one of Ke$ha’s tour dates and saw her lying naked in the arms of a gigantic seven-headed beast. “It did seem to suggest that my theory about her being the Whore wasn’t just a wild assertion,” Bell recalls.

Though the revelation has certainly come as a shock to most music industry insiders, not everybody is completely surprised by the news. “She does look like a total whore” remarked Mark Ronson on Wednesday.

The United States Government has issued a statement claiming that it is already moving to take immediate action to defend the nation against future danger posed by supernaturally

Movie Adapted From Adaptation Respected movie critics, industry insiders and indeed most of the general public were entirely not shocked to find that Dark Lord: Realms of the Deep, the latest big-budget Hollywood blockbuster based on a video game and various other things, hit a disappointing chord with viewers, i.e. sucked a huge bag of balls.

“I misguidedly went to see this movie on Saturday night, and actually, I didn’t entirely notice the complete lack of a story arc, coherent dialogue or interesting characters,” said Bill Frankenheim, 29 year old sales assistant. “I was too busy trying to work out whether I was watching a movie looking like a video game made to look like a comic book, a video game made to look like a movie of a video game, or a movie made to look like a video game of a movie inside a video game. All I know is, somebody sure spent a lot of time in front of a computer to make this movie.”

Following the depressing success of Dark Lord, director Michael Bay was said to be considering re-releasing it in 3D, to “really confuse the hell out of people.”

Tom Cook

evil pop stars, having detained Madonna, revoked the citizenship of Miley Cyrus, and ordered a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Katy Perry.

Man likes “all kinds of music really, I’ll listen to anything”

In a remarkable display of vacuous, soul-crushing apathy, when asked at a house party last night what kind of music he was into, second year Economics student Ronnie Bell replied “Oh everything really. I’m not fussy. I like all the new stuff.”

When pressed on what ‘new stuff’ he liked, the un-opinionated dullard replied, “All the new stuff they play on the radio. I mean I like some old music as well, but I prefer to listen to newer songs.”

Mr. Bell put himself in urgent danger of being throttled when he later professed, “Oh yeah I love movies! If there’s ever any on TV I’ll watch ‘em,” adding “I’m a football fan for sure. I love to watch teams score loads of goals.”

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Image by Jonathon Cridford

Music and Film

21

Did you also know? Possession of said spines, however, is still cool

Did you know? It is illegal to harvest kestrel spines

Stallone’s Daylight Sequel Hits Snag In Chile Lack of trapped females puts estimated survival count at zero Sylvester Stallone has encountered some difficulties filming his latest action film, tentatively titled Daylight 2: Disaster Con Carne, according to sources in Chile. Stallone had, earlier in the week, reached out to the Chilean government in an attempt to single-handedly save the lives of the thirty-three miners trapped in the Copiacó copper-gold mine.

‘The lives of these people, they are not expendable. They’re down there, right now, struggling but staying alive. Out by Christmas? They’ll asphyxiate first. Blood will be on the hands of the bureaucrats. We have to get Carter and the rest of those guys out of there. I can aid their escape to victory. Just give me 115 minutes,’ he muttered with trademark incoherence.

When the government informed Stallone that not one of the miners was actually named Carter, he responded by highlighting the need for creative adjustments to the script, believing that audiences would not empathise with a character that is of any ethnicity other than Italian-American.

The film has been described as a documentary following Stallone’s attempts to get down to the miners, interlaced with an entirely fictional sub-plot concerning a gang of gold raiders led

by Benicio Del Toro, with Danny Trejo playing every Hispanic henchman and bandito. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kurt Russell and Harrison Ford all have cameos as self-respecting actors who have moved on with their lives, each filmed turning down Stallone’s preposterous offer of supporting roles.

Stallone, who achieved notoriety and fame with such films as DTox and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, will write, direct, produce and promote the film himself, as well as writing and performing the soundtrack.

It is thought that if the film is a box office success, Warner Bros will option a loose sequel, in which Stallone’s character – Sylvester Stallone – will attempt to save the entire Pakistani population from the intense flooding disasters during a vacation in Kabul, all the while fending off Afghan terrorists in the employ of Pakistan’s intelligence agency, hell-bent on world domination.

Unfortunately, some of the miners have reported that, despite successfully descending, Stallone is encountering difficulties that could put the project on hold. Their reports suggest that Mr. Stallone is in a delusional state after somehow incurring a non-fatal bullet wound to the shoulder, repeatedly crying out for Adrian and caressing his replica M16 assault rifle.

Craig Dobson

22

Music and Film

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On The Box

FILM WORLD CONSIDERS AWARD FOR ‘BEST MARKETING’ A debate has arisen in the film industry between award-giving bodies. Following the recent appraisal of the marketing and advertisement campaigns of releases such as the latest Christopher Nolan film, Inception, many award institutions have been discussing the merits and disadvantages of creating an award for “Best Marketing Campaign”.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which holds the annual Oscars ceremony, with their talent for selecting the most profound films of modern times, have suggested basing an award on the money spent by studios on their advertising campaigns, and the ensuing online hype about the film.

This would enable a judgement of the approximate level of public enthusiasm.

However the organisers of such film festivals as Cannes, Berlin and la Mostra internazionale d’arte cinematografica di Venezia have argued that the cost of studying the marketing habits of major studios would prevent their effective documenting of the new wave. Astonishingly none one of the three festivals agreed with the idea that cinema should be judged on the money spent on unnecessarily making movies in 3-D and the general public’s appreciation.

Indeed, it came as a great shock to Hollywood when Paolo Barale, President of la Mostra internazionale d’arte cinematografica di Venezia, claimed in 2000 that, “We do not judge films on the industrial approach and the public’s reaction but more on the artistic effort.”

Nicholas GS Saul

How To Be An Action Movie Star 1) Have a macho, everyman sounding name, e.g. John Biggs.

Avoid multi-syllable names like Ricardo Montegue, or Ignacious Taddletworp.

2) Highlight yourself as a fish-out-of-water and dress as inappropriately as possible.

3) Have a database of quick fire puns to be delivered after an opponent is dispatched in an unusual way, e.g. Falls into a compactor at a biscuit factory – “Well that just takes the biscuit!”

4) Try not to act too surprised when a twenty-one year old Brazilian supermodel asks you to “check me over… all over…”

The Lemon Press gets up close and personal with the fieriest dragon in the den!

‘Call me Debbie’ she insists, on meeting me at Harrogate Burger King. With aviators casually clipped onto her ‘I’m With Stupid’ t-shirt, it’s hard to believe I’m talking to multi-millionpound businesswoman and notorious ice-queen of popular BBC business show, ‘Dragons’ Den’.

LP: So, Deborah, what do you think of that whole ice-queen reputation?

DM: I’m not a total bitch. The reason I’m that way on Dragons’ Den is that they insist I wear underwear made from wire-wool it’s good for ratings.

LP: Wire-wool or not, we think you’re a more than adequate replacement for Rachel Elnaugh.

DM: She doesn’t seem to have actually done anything, does she? The intro sequence for the show, even, points out she bankrupted Red Letter Days, before moving on to unsuccessful stints on the checkouts at Londis, Aldi and the Post Office.

LP: And what did you think of the sexuality she brought to the table, as your predecessor as the ‘token tits’?

DM: Rachel used to constantly say ‘this turns me on’ or ‘this doesn’t turn me on’. With me, everything turns me on, and everyone knows it! That’s why the BBC axed her and brought me in.

LP: Your face always looks a bit wonky on TV, is it because you’re weighing up difficult business decisions, or do you sneak a bit of vodka into your glass of water?

DM: (Laughs) Well I won’t say I’ve never smuggled in the odd G&T. I’ve tried to smuggle in gin and Rosso Vermouth, but the colour makes it obvious. I’m a big gin and Rosso girl!

LP: Any chance you’d do a kinky shoot with us in exchange for gin and Rosso?

DM: I’ll see you next week after I’ve had my bikini line deforested.

Sam Russell

5) When killing bad guys, fire in the vague direction of the opponent, who should immediately scream, clutch his chest, and fall off a high platform. Bonus points if his hat falls off.

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23

In the news this week: Leading porn sites apologise for suggesting that ‘buffering’ is part of every sexual process

Breaking News: Campus priest performs gay marriages to fund his kestrel spine addiction

Metrication

5 Gadgets You Should Never Buy

The Government Department Of Weights And Measures has this week announced plans to fully ‘metricate’ the country.

Reports that this authority was founded with the money previously allocated to the scrapped school building programme are as yet unfounded, but its first, and in all likelihood only, act of legislation bans the use of use of imperial units, for whatever reason.

Fondue Kit It’s hot, and unstable. I know four people who’ve ruined their clothes with a fondue kit. Four. If you ask me, that’s too many ruined suits to justify oily, unpleasant, notparticularly-well-melted cheese on foods that were never really designed for cheese in the first plwace.

A Mini Fridge Many of you will fall into this trap, but remember – university policy forbids them.

So unless you have a dietary requirement or need medicine that requires refrigeration (hint) you’ll probably have to get rid of it.

The guidelines mean that road signs will display distances in kilometres, and speeds in kilometres per hour, but there are also more unexpected results. For example, one would order beer not in pints, but in litres. Critics of the scheme say this would lead to excessive drinking, with the litre being significantly larger than the pint, but proponents say the extra tax they can charge as a result would lead to increased revenue, useful in this economic climate. The 10 gallon hat is to be replaced by the 37.84 litre hat. Star Wars’ Imperial Stormtroopers are to be re-dubbed the Metric Maelstrom Mercenaries. Won Ton soup is now to be one tonne soup.

The fondly remembered Thousand Acre Wood is now the 405 hectare wood, just off the M5. TV show Fahrenheit 9/11 is now either Fahrenheit 11/9, or Celsius 488, we can’t quite work that one out. MP David Miligram is said to be ‘opposed’ to this change, whilst Ed Mililitre was far more in favour, calling his brother a ‘lightweight’.

USB Powered Anything Oh no! My USB Powered Bubble Blower has leaked soap all over my laptop. Never mind, I’ll clear it up with my USB Powered Hoover. Ah. It appears to have short circuited. Never mind, I can blow out the flames with my USB Powered Fan! Except that seems to be fanning the flames over toward my USB Powered Molotov Cocktail.

A Car May be pushing the definition of “gadget” somewhat with this one. But you’ll be the go-to guy for trips to Morrisons, picking up the drunk guy, transporting a secondhand fridge from Newcastle, etc.

A fine example of an essential USB product Penknife It’s fifty tools in one, but there’s only one you’ll ever actually use. When was the last time you both needed a nail file, and no others were available? An impromptu formal dinner in the middle of a forest during a camping trip? Bypass all these useless attachments, and just get a bottle opener instead.

A spokesman from the Daily Mail explained his outrage. ‘It’s outrageous,’ he said. ‘We have to call ourselves the Newspaper released with a frequency of once every 86 400 seconds and that’s just not as catchy’. Since the paper will have far less space for spouting inane nonsense on its front cover with this title, the ‘Press is in favour.

...and 5 You Cannot Live Without

Jamie Gallimore

Those Helmets That Store Alcoholic Drinks On Each Side With Straws To Your Mouth Just one piece of advice: don’t try to mix gin and tonic with one.

Human praised for having attribute largely based on genetics

Internal Organ Counter Before I got one of these, I was constantly paranoid. Have I still got both of my kidneys?

Probably, but can I really be sure? This thing is a weight off my mind and the minds of millions more like me, that’s for sure.

Yesterday, a human was considered more worthy of praise than other humans purely because, by chance, he happened to have been given certain genetic attributes.

“This human should be put up on a pedestal”, said another admiring human. “This human has had to do very little to be successful in his field other than use the genetic attributes passed down to him by his parents, however he should be looked up to and admired by other humans as superior”.

The human in question gave this statement in an interview. “I suppose I’m just fortunate that the genetic ability I possess more of than other humans is one which human society considers important, and praise-worthy.”

Usain Bolt Cutter For cutting Usain Bolts.

Mouseflap You know how it is. Your pet mouse wants to go out, so you get up and let it out. Five minutes later, it wants to come back in again. Solve that problem instantly, with this handy hole in your door! Also comes in rabbit, snake, leopard, and fish.

USB Powered Stonebake Pizza Oven Okay, I take it back. These things are delicious.

Tom Cook

24

Science and Tech

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Usain Bolt being subjected to the cutter

25

Breaking News: Orphans in dilemma over PG movie

Breaking News: Man in Guilford apologises for saying he’s Surrey

COMMENT

We just want to fit in

Noel Rumpstake

For some, it means birthday presents of new shirts and vouchers for Toni & Guy. For others, constant requests to play a bit of Wonderwall. Being called Noel has become a serious problem for the thousands of British men called Noel, their lives themed by references made at every opportunity to their celebrity namesakes.

Noel Gordon, 43, who also suffers the unfortunate coincidence of sharing a name with the former Prime Minister, says that his life is being ruined by connotations he has no influence over. “I don’t want to have to resort to changing it by deed-poll,” he explains, “but I don’t know how much more I can take of finishing phone calls only for people to ask if it was the Banker.”

For Noel White, 25, the problem is more damaging.

He is the guitarist of an aspiring band from Manchester. ‘The Union’ could have been set for a lucrative record deal but for Noel’s name. “Our manager introduced us to a guy from this

I like the cold side of the pillow when smothering someone Harald Shopman

You know that lovely feeling at night when you turn over your pillow, and it feels cold against your face? Yeah? Well I love it too - its such an asset when I’m smothering someone.

I guess I’m just a bit of a softy really. I don’t want my victims to feel distressed - so I give them the comfort of the cold side of the pillow as I push it down on top of their unconscious face. Nobody should have to have the air in their lungs exhausted into a hot stuffy pillow. That would be cruel!

I know they appreciate it, you know. Sometimes when I just cover their mouth, I can see their eyes. And they can smile, you know? They think “O no I’m being smothered” but then they also think “Ooo this pillow feels nice.” But, then of course their eyes simply dull and expire... like a sudden brush of wind has cooled them. Now you tell me that isn’t because of my lovely pillow!

26

Arts

record label. We’d not exchanged two words when he decided we weren’t what they were looking for. He said the Oasis vibe was a bit old...”

We asked Noel Gallagher whether he realised the scale of the damage his celebrity was doing. In a statement, he said, “$%!# off! Who the $%!# are you? I’m responsible for the biggest band of all time.” After calming down, he added, “I don’t think it’s true to say my name’s been causing problems for everyone. Noel Fielding’s managing to make a name for himself despite his enormous nose. And Coward was a decent actor in his day. Now $%!# off so I can record another song that’s indistinguishable from the rest.”

The fact remains that for every day longer that we don’t act, someone called Noel, somewhere, will be mistakenly harassed by Mr Blobby. So we need your help. £5 will ensure that a Noel will be able to pay the ‘winnings’ of a schizophrenic who thinks they’ve just played a less than shrewd game of Deal Or No Deal and who would otherwise refuse to leave what they think is the studio. Please, help now. Save Our Noels. Time is running out. Quite a few people know a couple of words of French and it’s nearly Christmas...

Day 1 First day of term. Got list of prospective supervisees. No weird names. Out of a list of ten, I reckon seven will turn up. Two of them will be crying.

They've been trying to make us more approachable. Maybe I should remove the meathooks from the wall and a Victorian S and M gear from the office. I don't think that 18 year olds appreciate the historical aspects of vintage erotica and will probably think I'm a bit of a psycho. I'm keeping the stuffed parrot though. I like the stuffed parrot.

Day 3 Bumped into some drunk freshers. They were wearing dresses and feather boas. I initially thought it was a rugby social, but realised it was a college event.

Day 4 Have spent the majority of the day dealing with freshers. One cried, five were hungover and I'm pretty sure one was high. (I was over on my crying estimate. Yay!) I think this year's crop is probably no worse than last year's. None of them understand their subjects and have become so attached to their colleges that they resemble cult-followers.

Day 2

Day 5

Sent an email out to the supervisees. Three overeager replies to 'Professor Hughs'. I reply making sure that I really obviously sign off with my first name. Most of them will be too hungover to really get anything out of our meeting.

Everyone is wearing York hoodies. YourShop have been doing their usual discount. Ah well, it's not like they have to be smart and those hoodies do a wonder with covering up walks of shame. They really should wash them more though. Ah, well, another year...

Sometimes, even child-prodigy-quantum-physicistsorcerors make mistakes Granthum the Dreamgiver

I know you’re angry Sheila. I know you are.

And it’s justified. I shouldn’t have given you that bad advice. But I thought it was sound.

How was I supposed to know your boss would react like that? Yes I know. I know I have a doctorate in psychology. I know that I studied the sociology of the common office space for 3 long years. So you blew your chance for a raise... yeah... but at least now you know “banter” about your supervisor’s mono-brow isn’t acceptable.

It isn’t that bad. I mean, just think, it was only a month ago that little Bobby died. Phew! Did I drop the ball on that one or what?! I just thought rocket-boarding sounded pretty safe.

How was I to know he was allergic to rockets? I mean... yes. Yes I did publish a much-trumpeted paper on propulsion-induced illnesses in white middle class children, but I’m only human. Well, and part wizard.

Oh Sheila! I’m so silly sometimes. Golly it makes me chuckle! Remember it was exactly a year ago today that I incorrectly called North Korea’s nuclear strike bluff! Haha! Boy was my face red on that one! Not as red as the entire population of Western Europe, granted, but still. I mean... SURE... I know that technically I DO have magical powers. But I can’t be expected to ALWAYS remember to use them.

Oh nuclear winter! What a laugh...

Want more?

30th October, 1000 B.C.

GREEK TRUELAD

Save Our Noels: The Lemon Press launches a campaign to stop the mass character assassination being perpetrated by Edmonds and Gallagher

The Supervisor Diaries

Dad make some wings out of glue and feathers for us to escape prison with. Dad said not to fly too close to the sun. Drowning-rebel LAD. 45

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14th May,1234 B.C. Found out I killed my dad after he threw me off a mountain side. Then I went and banged his wife.

Getting-your-own-back LAD. 96

2

75

18

88

23

3rd May, 945 B.C. Everything I touch turns to gold. Rolling-in-it LAD.

22nd December, 1002 B.C. I went out disguised as a bull and still pulled. Horny LAD.

Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

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In the news this week: College pride found to decrease incrementally by 18% through year of University

Did you know?: During a failed publicity stunt, The Lemon Press acquired 27 wheelie bins filled with cats, and an ocelot in a skip

each

Poetry On A Minimalistic Layout

Clarkson

Libellous Verse The Ballad of the Fresher The Fresher lay upon the floor, His head spun round and round; He’d drunk too many jaegerbombs And now was on the ground.

The Fresher looked up at the sky And saw the many stars; He’d wobbled, slipped, and then he’d tripped, And landed on his arse.

The Fresher rolled and rolled about, And tried to gain his feet; Unsteadily he managed it, This drunken complex feat.

He’s dancing now, at Vanbrugh Bar, And waiting to be served; For it is Fresher’s Week, come on!

No need to be reserved.

There’s whats-her-name, the brunette girl, She’s living in his block; He smiles, looks about him and Promptly whips out his – Ryan Fitzgerald

David popped a rufee into SamCam’s dram And stirred it. A little bit.

“Fashion tricks for bulimics parch a girl!”

She said. (Allegedly - ed.)

Nick cheats on Miriam when Cable’s able, And if the table’s stable.

“Liberalism is about the jism!”

He said. (Allegedly - ed.)

To please Theresa could not be easier: Power and some fake showers.

“With no delay, gas the gays today!”

She said. (Allegedly - ed.)

Alexander Allison

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Arts

There will be no whimsy in my paper!

Rachael Healy

Ode to a shorter-than-expected essay Make spacing one point five, Increase the margin size a bit, Make the font twelve point five Or maybe thirteen point. Nope, shit.

Add some pointless footnotes And a second conclusion. Balls.

I know. I'll just pay some trustworthy blokes On an internet site to write it all.

Pay for a first - get value for money, Get a third or something funny.

Fantasy Sometimes I like to pretend that my skills could be of use: "The bomb will explode in three minutes, unless someone beats Freebird on Expert!"

Or, "Tell me the Latinate accusative form for 'To swim', or I'll shoot!"

Or, "But who could smoke all these cigarettes before Mum gets back?"

Caravan hating Leather Seating Animal Testing Racial slurring Koenigsegg lusting Speed pursuing Obnoxious joking Nut-grabbing jeans.

Ziggy’s A corridor, into which the shoving of angry patrons and penitent staff sways toward the hatch. A mineshaft moving hellwards - the sweaty underbelly laughs with the grace of drunken jibs and songs hurled ceiling-ways. Looming lowly like the lewd unwelcome guest at a coven. The curled spine and ravaged face of the barmaid, queued upon - waiting for students and quick flirtations to become a mourning congregation: "A beauty, eroded by constant hurt and that tawdry haunt's humiliation."

The Englishman As we stand on Brighton beach, Knee-deep in water and an ice-lolly each, I ask my friend next to me When she looks at the English what does she see?

The long history of this land, Ancient, heroic, frightening and grand, Has resulted in the people we see walking.

And so this got us into talking.

Suppose that man’s ancestor when he walked the earth Could have been a meager serf.

Or an earl, a duke or even a king!

His lineage could be quite exciting.

Perhaps his blood holds noble knights, Or men fallen in overseas fights, Who stood for their country and their Queen.

Mightier men have never been seen!

We try to imagine as best we can The fine history of the Englishman And cannot believe the image we have While we look at his descendant, the chav.

Ellen Larson

Arthur Pitt

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Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Night in York’s Satin Nights in York’s Satin, So many have I spent, On the corner of a street, At the pillar of a bridge, In the toilets of a club, Wondering how many more Must I consume to abhor.

At first one seeks the pleasure Oh! The ill-mannered northern leisure.

The bounty of some booty, Yet never beauty.

Welcome, Welcome fellow friends and foes To York’s darkest satin sheets Those of loving beds and meats.

Nick Saul

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T

LEMON PRESS CROSSWORD Set by Vaardgrim

he first correct solution out of the lemon juicer on November 1st gets a FREE copy of Nouse... Also a fantastic free meal at The Deramore Arms. For entry details, email chair@thelemonpress.co.uk.

28 & 23d. Destroy! Ay Corporal’s oik! I knew him, Horatio. This clue isn’t about my wife... but she is a bitch... (4,4,6) 30. Ten one, inside is zero. Amount of excuses my wife has... (4) 31. Ten tens... erm... misplaced regret. I harbour much of this. (10) 34. Feel worst, get fucked. In remembrance of my marriage and happiness. (4,2,6) DOWN 1. See 33 down.

2. I, rosy man? Sure! Except shake it loads to reveal ultimate post-date debate. Remember those days? (2,5,2,4) 3. Ruined ex-nasal intercourse. My wife doesn’t like this. Prude! (4,3) 4. Less red in dreaded and you might find peace. And she might too.

One glorious day. (4) 6. I couldn’t be arsed to write a clue for this one. So the answer is hemp. I’m tired. (4) 7. An idiot saying ‘thought’. An idiot like her. And her new man. A doctor apparently. Well laa-di-fucking-daa. (7) 8. Ronald’s head, Eve, Naomi and Gertrude and Edwards’s heads how sweet. I will have it! Fear meee! (7) 11. See 33 down.

15. Nicknames for Emily and Patricia with start 12. Solicitor, no zero... maybe one... utterly fucked up. And apparently ACROSS 1. Bad rats shaken out of wedlock. Good name of his epoch will maybe make you realise how it I can’t find it. Just like she can’t find a way to be remotely erotic... (8) feels to be me... downtrodden... alone. (9) for my wife’s new man. (7) 16. See 33 down.

5. Eat cher? Yucky! Unfaithful! Like my fucking 17. Flip axis to find digit! Ironically, the amount 19. Handcuffs in kid organ. I’ll never say it again. (1,2) of chances I gave the bitch. (3) wife. (7) 20. Say “the force” in bad Italian accent to reveal split. For better, for 9. Eve’s spouse. Also the name of my wife’s new 18. D+(3.1415-P). I hope she does. (3) worse, my arse. (7) 20. Addictive red rug innards. Love is apparently 23. See 28 across. man who sounds so nice. (4) 10. Tdrioclel?! No dice, little man! You look like one of these. What a lie. (4) 26. First two syllables of 31a, but lessen... start again... like we might 21. U RENT? Scramble to find reception. Might have if she just stuck around. (5) my wife. (5) discover wife in porno. (5) 11. Non playable character. This one’s easy.

27. Check inside my risen sex organ... that’s not nonsense! (5) Come on! It’s NPC. You’re useless, you are. Just 22. Jump for this, happy? Try and salvage this 28. Cost me a this and a leg. Grumble grumble murder grumble. (3) from a failing marriage. (3) like my wife. (3) 29. Other limb to 27, put it over... wait..w. that make’s no sense. For13. Children inside fucking... bitch gave some of 24. Dig in mire to find lewd sexual act my wife get it - answer is over. (4) wouldn’t do... (3) these little bastards. (3) 32. Hearing device... on side of face. I’m getting bored of this now to 14. A prefix fit for a knight. She’d never show me 25. A roman six before rusting reveals little nasty.be honest. (3) Can catch sexually... as I know well...(5) this kind of respect... (3) 33,1,11&16. Nazis revealed in thinner balti? Nay! Phat riots! (3,7,8,5)

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