The Lemon Press – Issue 2

“Squeeze me babe, ‘til the juice runs down my leg.

The way you squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed. “ [Robert Plant, 1969]

A word from our sponsors

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The Lemon Press

The Lemon Press

I’ve been expecting you...

Welcome to the long-awaited sophomore edition of The Lemon Press. The second-issue slump is the biggest challenge any publication can face. Deprived of its novelty, yet still to build a legacy, lethargy can soon set in amongst the staff. We at The Lemon Press fought valiantly to preserve our energy, but alas the struggle was futile. As a result, large portions of this magazine have been copied directly from the populist satire periodical The Onion.

Thanks are in order for the elite few who laid themselves down in service of The Lemon Press. As Editors, Emily and Ryan dedicated entire minutes of their time. The magazine’s department heads worked hard to string together a wagon-load of articles for us to incredulously reject. Dave turned his technical skills to crafting entirely new breeds of procrastination. Elliott turned out to be a kind of pencil. Thanks too to scores of others whose names I have long since forgotten.

The Team: Joe Regan Vicky Proctor Chris Burgess Ryan Fitzgerald Emily Beber Jamie Gallimore Dominic Mantle Dave Walker Andy Iszatt Elliott Gresswell Alex Russell Sarah Jeffery Hayley Fairclough Mimzi Ross-Jackson Garreth Frank Jack Stanley Arthur Pitt Jack Williams Nicholas Saul Andy Brown Ellen Larson Alex Allison Mandi Madavo Sam Partridge Tom Cook Dexter Tilley Melissa Von Schmitt

Managing Editor Treasurer Secretary Editor Editor Deputy, Science Editor Deputy, Film Editor Graphics Editor Web Designer Chief Sub-Editor Sub-Editor Music Editor Music Editor Lifestyle Editor Politics Editor Creative Editor Advertising & Marketing Advertising & Marketing Deputy Film Deputy Science Deputy Lifestyle Deputy Creative Deputy Creative Caricaturist Serial Contributor Prophet Lost in the snow

I have complete confidence in the loyalty of our members. Indeed, so convinced am I of their allegiance that I’m actually going to publish this grossly offensive piece, despite having written it whilst blind drunk. This magazine is dedicated to you guys.

Joe Regan Aromatic Party Duck would have wanted you to visit: www.thelemonpress.co.uk

A message from the production team: Here at The Lemon Press, we’re as concerned as you are about the effect we’re having on the environment. That’s why our latest issue is now made from 50% less orphans.

That’s not all: for every one child consumed in the production of this magazine, we pledge to orphan three more.

Spring Term 09/10

P age 3

The Lemon Press owns 5 lemons

The Lemon Press

NEWS IN JOE’S BRIEFS The Lemon Press brings you the very latest in local news Local student attempts to move clock with his mind Yesterday, it emerged that York University student Neil Cook tried to control the power of time by purely telepathic means. The Philosophy student attempted this near-impossible stunt after discovering he still had forty-five minutes of his lecture left, having previously been under the impression that the lecture finished at 10:30 am…

Iceland Scandal The public is reeling in shock and horror today as tests reveal that produce from Iceland has real food in it. Scientists working at York University tested an extensive range of produce from the supermarket and found traces of protein, salt and organic material in various readymade meals...

Law sparks rivalry A new law has been passed for Derwent College stating that pissing on Langwith and singing the drunken night away is ‘no longer an obligation.’ However, to compensate, all block parties now require participants to ‘get pissed and trashed before [they] realise the party sucks…’

Man believes he looks like a spy whilst wearing tuxedo ‘I feel just like James Bond wearing this!’ exclaimed local man David Rutford yesterday, unaware that his formal attire lent him no resemblance to the suave and sophisticated secret agent. ‘Du Du Da Daaah!’ he sang as he admired himself in the bathroom mirror. ‘Jesus I look good. Just hand me a Walter PPK and call me 007…’

York student breaks world procrastination record In a stunning display of time-wasting, local student Tim Westerman yesterday broke the world record for procrastination, surpassing the previous time of 5hrs 38mins, before dying from ink poisoning after chewing his pen-lid for 8hrs 12mins instead of planning his essay…

Infograph Reasons to be cheerful living in Tang Hall Page 4

Spring Term 09/10

Campus Life

The Lemon Press

Library sets target of 99% disruption York’s JB Morrell library has upped the ante in its war on students in recent days by closing all remaining floors except the ground, in a move that will spell hell for claustrophobics. Claiming that this was a necessary measure allowing all-important refurbishment to take place, the Director of the University Library and Archives Stephen Town brushed aside accusations of spitefulness. In a press conference marred by an ugly spat between Nouse and Vision reporters, and live-blogged by the Yorker, he focused almost exclusively on his own vision for the future. ‘By 2050 the library will be state of the art, with a few extra computers, heating that actually works and armed librarian robots that will take care of key text thieves,’ he said. He ignored replies such as ‘We’ll be pensioners by then,’ and ‘Give us back our fees you poor man’s Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.’ Though the library is optimistic about its plans, students are less impressed. One told me, ‘It’s absolute chaos. People have to act like cars and reverse down the gaps between shelves because it’s so crammed, and the desk situation is dire. It’s like a silent game of

One of the new librarians: twice as silent, three times more efficient, with less than half the soul

musical chairs.’ Another asked if I could help them find LG 1.3672984510982, to which I replied ‘No, but there are some maps over there.’

Dominic Mantle

Project Manager, Jeff Noble, shows us what the new computer facilities could look like...

Spring Term 09/10

P age 5

The Lemon Press

Badgers are allergic to lemons

Heslington Hall Definitely Stockpiling Nuclear Weapons

Not

Concerns over the University of York’s controversial funding of various military research programs came to a head earlier this week with the discovery of a large stockpile of nuclear warheads hidden deep beneath Heslington Hall. The find was made by a team of undercover journalists disguised as students disguised as janitors who have spent the last sixth months secretly operating across the university, trying to track several inexplicable radiological leaks.

The discovery of the weapons (a total of twenty-seven three hundred kiloton warheads) has led to a resumption of student action against the University institution.

Following their protests last year, pacifistic student groups such as DISARM and ARMLESS had been explicitly told by the University that any involvement in weapons manufacture was at an end. The apparent breach of trust has led the above groups to mobilise another bout of moderately idealistic demonstration.

We stumble upon Heslington Hall’s friendly new tour guide, Reginald Hobbs, who reassures us that all is well, then offers us tea and biscuits

Supreme Chief Gardener Chang-sun goes about his business The protestors’ latest plan is to surround Heslington Hall and annoy its occupants with poorly designed placards and a series of increasingly un-catchy chants.

The prospective protestors are optimistic, predicting that given two or three days of this treatment the Heslington Hall reps will surely crumble. Say the protestors: ‘We will not rest until given at the very least another ambiguously worded assurance of dubious moral value by the highest levels of University authority.’

The university claims that the ‘Heslington Hall Glorious Armament Program’ is solely a measure for academic defence, with no plans or provisions put in place for offence.

However, persistent rumours that Heslington Hall is being converted into a huge armoured robot for easy missile deployments remain, rumours which so far the University has neither confirmed nor denied.

Elliott Gresswell

Page 6

Spring Term 09/10

The Lemon Press

Politics

Government warns tabloids of SUNSATIONALISM An official warning set out by the Ministry of Miscellany today demanded many UK publications ease up on the foul sensationalism which plagues our media. Fears arose over copycat criminals taking inspiration from grandiose coverage of atrocities in many daily newspapers.

Sanctions A spokesman for the government said today, ‘It is a terrible thought that many of today’s impressionable individuals could conceivably...’ Continued on page 74

Juicy school shooting! Right in the face!

Cor blimey! Yet another school shooting happened yesterday in an undisclosed location! Juicy stuff!

BANG BANG BANG! Patchy reports are flooding onto the internet and getting five stars and loads of comments. Rumours of lots of gunshots right in the face with real guns and real faces.

Massive explosions and stuff A spokesman for the police said today, Any of these awesome guns might have been used probably!

‘Please do not get excited! It isn't as much of a mash up as the hype would have you believe.’ However, most journalists don't believe this and suggest it might actually have been actually mentally awesome and wicked crazy!

MP who claimed peerage on expenses, exposed in

GAY SEX ORGY! Many media outlets were left speechless yesterday when it emerged that MP Roger Johnson paid for a peerage, put it on his expenses, and drove his SUV to a dingy motel where he proceeded to engage in a gay sex orgy with three rent boys, two of whom were illegal immigrants, leaving his wife, a war veteran, to look after their heavily disabled son.

Spring Term 09/10

P age 7

Joe is our best writer, with a kilo:article ratio of over 4:1

The Lemon Press

7 Reasons... Why We Should Embrace ID Cards •Haven’t you noticed all the terrorists everywhere? The only way we can get them off our streets is to compromise our own freedom.

•All this talk of the right to privacy and the belief that innocent people should be able to choose to keep their fingerprints and DNA to themselves is clutching at straws. Anyway, the authorities are too incompetent to be able to do anything dangerous with it!

•People complain about the projected cost of the scheme being too high and that it might rise further as tends to happen with anything the government does, but the laws of probability dictate that there is a chance, albeit negligible, that some Treasury imbecile will have miscalculated and it will actually only cost £10. In a time of a huge budget deficit, it would be irresponsible not to implement the ID card scheme in the hope that it will yield the revelation of someone having made a huge, yet lucrative mistake.

•It would be fun – it’d be like we were spies or something.

•As incredibly stupid as it sounds, the introduction of an easily-dropped card displaying numerous un-encoded pieces of your personal information would undoubtedly help to prevent fraud.

•We should do what the state tells us without question, for it invariably looks out for our interests and well-being rather than to augment its own power.

•ID cards can act as a makeshift bulwark against terrorism as they go in your pocket and we all know that terrorists enter the country through our pockets and not our ports.

Why wouldn’t you trust this man?

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Spring Term 09/10

Politics

The Lemon Press

Lemons in the Press The Lemon Press Reveals: The Dangers of Full Body Scanners At 6pm yesterday evening, queuing passenger for flight SQ223 Timothy Adams tried his utmost to make his penis return to its flaccid state before he reached Heathrow’s new body scanner. ‘C’mon damn you, why now?!’ whispered Mr Adams in a state of alarm, after noticing there were only ten people left in front of him in the queue for the security check.

Lib Dems reaffirm party position With Labour occupying centre-left and the Conservatives making determined strides to occupy centre-right, Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been forced to reinstate his own party’s position.

‘Lib Dems will be firmly centre of centre,’ said Clegg in a recent news conference. ‘Absolute dead in the middle. Central. Exactly midway.’

This new centre-centre position has allowed the Liberal Democrats to release this party pledge. ‘We guarantee never to make a wrong decision. We will never be drawn either way on any issue. In fact we will do nothing at all.’

Spring Term 09/10

‘Right, think of unsexy things...Jo Brand naked, my grandmother farting, my dog dying...c’mon!” muttered the panicked traveller. His attempts were ultimately to be in vain however, and he was soon scanned with a rigid member, invoking poorly concealed mirth from the scan attendants gathered around the computer display screen.

P age 9

One of our editor dances for money – but which one?

The Lemon Press

Critique of the Cliques They are everywhere; don’t pretend like you haven’t seen them. Everywhere you turn on this miniscule campus they are in your face.

They are probably one of the most recognisable of all the cliques on this campus.

I’m talking about the Jack Wills crowd.

All UGG boots and gilets, they are a walking advert for ‘toff’ shops. ‘Fabulously British’ my arse. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get paid in return for all of that extra exposure.

My first encounter with a Jack Wills child was first year in the small Halifax Costcutter shop. At first I thought this girl was in her pyjamas. How wrong I was!

Apparently it’s all part of the “look”; baggy tracksuit pants, Ralph Lauren jumper and boots that make your legs look like tree trunks, and for some reason shuffle like you might have suffered from some horrible debilitating disease.

Yet, despite looking like a complete pleb, the opposite sex still find Jack Wills girls absolutely enchanting. Sickening. Perhaps it’s all that blond hair flopped over to one side and backcombed into oblivion. Sort of Pamela Anderson meets dog’s hind leg.

Then there’s the guys. You’ll find every single one of them participating in one of three sports : Rugby, Rowing or Lacrosse.

Unfortunately the Jack Wills crowd are here to stay. After a while being popular and fitting in begins to seem quite appealing. Which means it’s time to start faking it!

Peroxide anyone?

Scrap Our Porters: The Lemon Press launches a campaign to dramatically worsen welfare Sick of porters, porters, porters? So are we. For the entirety of autumn term 2009 we had YUSU going porter-crazy while PVC Jane Grenville looked on in typically plastic fashion, writing the occasional indulgent comment piece for Nouse. Why, YUSU even tried to arrange an inspirational rallying speech on the subject from Janet Street-Porter. What exactly was the Student Union so bothered about when ‘the University’ reduced ‘portering’ hours?

Through the barrage of the meticulously planned Facebook campaign tactics I managed to glean the fact that they thought porters were invaluable because of their friendly faces... oh and something about welfare. But isn’t this all just another example of paranoid student politicians seeing ‘the university’ as the enemy? If we are to learn anything from history, it is that porters are unnecessary. Join our campaign today: Scrap Our Porters!

Hannah Weaver Page 10

Spring Term 09/10

Campus Life

The Lemon Press

Individual ducks more easily recognised than campus celebrities A recent campus wide survey at York University has revealed that students can more easily identify individual ducks than campus celebrities.

‘Sorry, don’t know any of these people,’ said Josh Silva, second year history student. ‘Oh look, there goes Beaky Ronnie.’

Trevor, a duck so famous he wasn’t allowed to die

Indeed, many of the campus celebrities failed even to have heard of themselves.

‘Fred who?’ said Fred Cole. ‘Oh, what’s Daffy Two-Spots doing under the bench again?’

Even Stanley the feral cat is A-list compared to these wannabes.

Statistically, at least one of these ‘celebrities’ will appear as an extra in Casualty, Holby City or The Bill; dizzy heights

Black-haired girl; I saw you on the Number 4 bus, I’m the one 4u.

Let me pay your fare.

With this bus you will want a return.

Guy-with-glasses. ********** Boy-with-no-top-on; I saw your face in a Ziggy’s sweat-drop.

Maybe we can get sweaty together?

Lady-with-high-heels.

Spring Term 09/10

RTS

FT HEA

Science lecturer; I think we’ve got chemistry.

Let’s get physical.

Pretty-but-failing-student. ********** Boy-with-no-top-on; You told me to ‘shh’ in the library / by putting your finger to your lips; I wish it had been my finger instead.

Noisy vegetarian.

P age 11

Of all lemon producing nations, Kyrgyzstan produces the fewest, exporting only 1 tonne

The Lemon Press

FANS' DISMAY AT SHOCK SPLIT The London Philharmonic orchestra have announced today that they will be disbanding, citing ‘musical differences.’ Apparently tensions within the group have been high for a number of years now.

An unnamed member of Violins II told us ‘Those stiffs over in Woodwind have really been pushing their own agenda recently, and I'm just not feeling it. I mean, the oboes are fine, but we only need so many bassoons.’

Fans vent disgust at recent Britney Spears ‘live’ performance Many of those fans who bought tickets to the recent Britney Spears show in Berlin came away feeling angry and let down with her performance, and demanding money back on their purchases.

‘It was shocking,’ said Mary Rougier, longtime supporter of Ms Spears who witnessed the show. ‘She was singing original songs, without any miming whatsoever. It’s not what we’ve come to expect from such artists.

I paid a lot of money to watch Britney Spears express no creativity whatsoever, and here I have originality and actual song writing effort being shoved right in my face.’

Another fan interviewed afterwards was appalled at the example Ms Spears was setting to his teenage daughter. ‘My little girl Janey wants to be a singer,’ said George Armitage. ‘She really looks up to

Page 12

artists like Britney. I took her to the Berlin show, and was dismayed to see the image Ms Spears was projecting on stage to impressionable teenagers; she was performing modest, non-sexually provocative dance moves, and wasn’t even dressed like a two-bit hooker! Consequently Janey is now questioning whether she wants to be sexually objectified in order to sell records. There goes her one chance of success down the drain.’

A spokesman for EMI, Ms Spears recording label, released this statement afterwards.

‘We’d like to apologise to all those who bought tickets to Britney Spears ‘Live in Berlin;’ rest assured you will all be receiving full refunds. It is our promise that in her next show, Ms Spears will simply sit naked on a chair masturbating whilst we play a selection of tracks from Lady Gaga’s new album.’

Spring Term 09/10

Music

The Lemon Press

The DubBoyz Several years ago, sociologists everywhere, in a bid to prove that their profession of choice had some actual relevance, declared that class no longer existed in modern day society. Clearly these esteemed professors have never been to York. One only has to cast their eyes to the outside of the library to find evidence of the contrary. There, clad in the tightest trousers known to man, shoes that either resemble glorified slippers or are made from the smoked rump skin of a warthog, and a large duffle coat, will be the music offenders known as the DubBoyz. As you approach their features become more distinct: large, blank framed glasses cover most of their equine-like faces, (an attempt to hide the horrible effects of years of inbreeding), while their hair, artfully mussed remains strangely unaffected by any of the natural elements. As you edge past, their horse like laughter shatters you plebeian ear drums as they ‘banter’ about last night’s ‘f@#king awesome’ events. It undoubtedly involved one of them taking copious amounts of ketamine and, after ending up in the basement of Ziggys in a tangle of pringle-clad limbs, culminated in them getting into a ‘hilarious’ bust-up with a perfectly innocent Yorkshire taxi man after he suggested that they stopped debating whether Benga had lost it now that more than ten people were aware of his existence and instead pay him.

When discussing music it is guaranteed that the majority of words that leave their mouths will sound at best made up, at worst, like characters from Sesame Street. Their love for ‘Dubstep’, ‘Breakbeats’, ‘Acid crunk, (more- I’m sure there’s something about grouch out there somewhere)is almost as irritating as their ‘kitsch’ fashion sense; huge Spring Term 09/10

hats, lime green trousers, t-shirts instructing us to do things like ‘dance’ and ‘live’ the list is endless.

The most painful thing about this particular species is that, although they may look at you as though you should be constructing Hes. East rather than living in it, they too were once the pariahs of society. Although their skinny, feminine frames may be enviable now, it is guaranteed that in Year Eight they spent much of their time being pummelled into the mud during games of ruggers, whilst their delicate buttocks were often used as crumpet racks by the cruel prefects in the common rooms of St. Bartholomew’s Academy for Strapping boys, (or whatever homoerotic establishment they were educated in.)

Resist the urge to punch these posers down to size and scream ‘SOMETIMES REMIXES ARE BAD!!!!’ Next time they argue your point in a seminar with a vomited out mess of rehashed facts that daddy told them, just remember, they’re a breed edging close to extinction as their penchant for wearing incredibly tight trousers is causing their already stunted prostates to be ineffective- thus rendering them all sterile.

Sarah Jeffery P age 13

Top boss admits: sometimes I don’t wear underwear

The Lemon Press

A Beginner’s Guide to Led Zeppelin It’s difficult to know where to start with Led Zeppelin – possibly a band to demonstrate a generation gap greater than anything else in the world. The hushed gravitas which mothers, fathers, teachers and grumpy old gits all employ when merely mentioning the name can be intimidating to many younger listeners. Yet explanation as to why exactly this band deserve such credit is often lacking and leads many (and I’m sure we’ve all done it at some point) to simply hide behind the excuse of not listening to them because ‘that’s what my Dad listens to.’

Their albums suffer from a similar lack of objective and clear theme. From the rocking blues rhythms of songs such as ‘Rock and Roll’ or ‘Immigrant Song’ – to the weird and wonderful ballads like ‘Stairway to Heaven’ or they’re more peaceful acoustic tracks such as ‘Your Time is Gunna Come’ and ‘Tangerine’.

They were a band who stood for experimentation within albums – not between albums.

Yet, that’s what made them so incredible. Led

Zeppelin I was the blueprint. An iconic beginning, ‘Good Times, Bad Times’ – simple bluesy guitar, upbeat drums, loud bass, and Robert Plant hitting every note perfectly.

Leaving you with the natural conclusion, this is rock, this is music. Then in the second song they slowed it way down, a gentle acoustic riff and Plant’s voice haunting through simple lyrics. By the third song (You Shook Me All Night Long), yet another change, Page indulging in old school blues and Plant exuding passion. Then back to the Rock again.

So what is it about Zeppelin which creates this level of admiration? It’s often difficult to find one thing – as many fans will admit – they were a band of inconsistencies. Some of their live performances and concerts have gone down in rock legend as simply spectacular. Others – in fact a majority – have been described as ‘average,’ ‘lacklustre’ and a clear reflection of four individuals who simply weren’t in the moment as opposed to the band that shook stadiums to their foundations whilst high on goodness only knows what.

Jack Stanley

2010 Music Predictions Cabaret Crunk – Vera Lynn meets Little John when the beats and rhythms of Crunk are mixed with astonishing aplomb of the musical traditions of 1940s England.

Special Highlights – I’ll See You Again (After I’ve Done My Time Shawty) Vera Lynn ft.

Soulja Boy

Baroque n’ Roll – The pounding rhythms of rock as interpreted by modern composers of the Baroque tradition. The results are stirring and moving.

Special Highlights – Keith Moon inspired Kettle Drum solos, harps being set on fire.

Postapopalyptic Funkasy- a genre made up of sweeping orchestral Ballads, with particular emphasis of Dystopianos and Violince.

Special Highlights – Kanye Wasteland’s Uraniumberella Page 14

Spring Term 09/10

Arbitrary Party Duck’s party days are no more.

He took a one-way trip to flavour country

The Lemon Press

Review: Tomorrow Usually Comes The new 007 spy thriller Tomorrow Usually Comes marks a departure for the longrunning franchise in terms of its realism. Though Casino Royale moved us away from the stereotypical, cartoonish Bond world inhabited by previous incarnates Brosnan and Moore, this goes a stage further.

Portraying Bond’s erectile dysfunction in such graphic detail was a daring step, as was showing his struggles with verucas.

Bond actor Daniel Craig revealed in an interview with The Times last week that the producers felt the movie would have to be a much more modern spy thriller, in keeping with the recent trends of the successful Bourne films. Notable scenes in the film therefore include Bond getting stuck behind a tractor whilst being pursued in a car chase, having the batteries in his gadget watch fail at a vital moment, and finding his tuxedo has shrunk after getting it back from the dry-

Oscars to replace “Best Supporting Actress” category with “Best Tits” The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced last Thursday that its annual Academy Awards, known affectionately as the Oscars, will from now on feature a “Best Tits” category in lieu of “Best Actress in a Supporting Role.” Academy members cite a shift in film culture as the basis of the change. Worldwide, the highestgrossing films now tend to have chesticles in excess, and it is common knowledge that the movies which make the most money are the best. Members of the Academy agree wholeheartedly with the conclusions drawn.

‘When thinking about who we wanted to nominate, all we could come up with were Page 16

cleaners.

While in previous films Bond regularly flew off to exotic places, we now get a chance to see him doing realistic things when he’s there, like struggling to work the TV remote in his room, ordering far too much room service, and attempting to learn a few useful Ecuadorian phrases before giving up and merely learning swearwords.

Already, plot details of the next Bond film, You Only Live Once, have been leaked onto the internet. In it, Bond will reportedly be fired for excessive misuse of government property, and gradually decline into obesity and video-game addiction.

Tom Cook

Megan Fox’s jublees,’ said Dame Judi Dench, who won the original award for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth I in Shakespeare in Love. ‘I mean, when you really think about it, those ladies did most of the work for her!’

Nominees for the new award include Megan Fox (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Heather Graham (The Hangover), and Jack Black (Year One).

Ellen Larson Jack Black: voluptuous Spring Term 09/10

Film

The Lemon Press

YSTV Scandal A member of staff at York Student Television (YSTV), who cannot be named for legal reasons, was today relieved of all duties at the ancient student station. The scandal erupted after said rogue was seen performing a lewd act on air during his primetime slot.

was spilled: ‘We just got so sloppy with our surveillance of what was going on air. Do you think we want to watch it either? Turns out he's been doing it for four months now but nobody noticed. Not even one of our several YSTV viewers!’

The trouble started when one intensely bored third year actually decided to watch some student television. ‘I had never bothered with YSTV before because I could always waste my time with other activities,’ said Bethany Herbage yesterday, ‘but I had an essay deadline coming and was really trying my best to procrastinate. So I turned on a bit of YSTV.’

The station has been switched off until everything can be sterilised of racism, including the badly-hung backdrops, old microphones and shoddy lighting. An open letter posted on the YSTV website today claims, ‘We are happy that we can return to broadcasting The Crazy Student Masturbation Hour next week, with a new presenter who promises he isn't in the least bit racist.’

The sight that met her eyes was almost too distressing to describe. ‘He was standing there, completely naked save for a ribbon tied around his genitals, masturbating furiously with the sort of vigour I'd never thought possible. That would have been fine, I guess, but he was also being a bit racist, which I thought was even more shocking.’

As a result of the furore, concerns over censorship practices and moderation of all student media are being voiced. The incident harked back to the infamous URY fascism scandal two years ago when York student radio unwittingly broadcast the speeches of Adolf Hitler for six months running before someone actually bothered to tune in and complain.

An official statement by a spokesman for YSTV expressed regret for what was labelled a ‘grave mistake.’ However, in an exclusive interview with the Lemon Press, every bean

Spring Term 09/10

Arthur Pitt More information and insight at www.thelemonpress.co.uk.

P age 17

Drinking 4 or more cans of Pepsi Max acts as a powerful laxative...

The Lemon Press

SO YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A HORROR MOVIE The first thing to remember is: do not panic.

If you use your head, you can probably get out of this. First, take stock of your situation. The most important thing to do is to identify what you are up against.

Zombies? Statistically the most likely cause of the apocalypse; stay back. Do not let them bite. Kill anyone who has been bitten.

Shotguns work well. Burn the bodies if possible. Do not be complacent; there is likely to be a class of “master zombies” somewhere, with extra intelligence, motor skills, etc. Aliens? Just hide. At some point, for some reason, they will all go away. Do not attack them. Survive. Vampires? Sunlight, stakes to the heart and garlic work for vampires. A crucifix may prove ineffective.

Vampires are not good boyfriend material, and neither are werewolves or anything else which may take a human form. Which brings us onto shape shifters: flee. Trust nobody.

Not even anybody. If anyone comes close, shoot them. Shoot them until they die of too many bullets. They want to kill you. Burn the body.

Who are you? Are you a young single mother? Try to be; this will greatly improve your chances. Are you wearing a uniform or a nametag? Discard them immediately. Try to identify the personalities of the people around you. People who are likely to die include the ditzy blonde one, the man in the suit, the couple, the likeable fat guy, and the guy who is armed to the teeth. You need to align yourself with this last guy; he will most likely die, but in the process save you and take down the threat, for now at least. Do not trust the scientist. He may well save you all, but he is just as likely to betray you to his creation. Discard any pets, particularly dogs, as soon as you can.

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‘Remember: it's still not too late to become that young, single mother. ‘ Survival: If you pick up a gun, you had damn well better be able to use it; if not, you will die almost immediately, so stay away from it.

For women, the reverse is true. Find some medical supplies if possible, antiseptics and bandages in particular. If these are unavailable, strips of cloth tied tightly around the wound stem the blood flow; penicillin (mould found on food) is a brilliant antibiotic.

Food: food should be fairly easy to find, if you don't mind eating canned goods for the rest of your life. These will probably last longer than you. Water, on the other hand, is a problem. If there is limited supply, try to ration it and do not waste any for any reason.

You may wish to boil it to remove the ‘nasties’. Survive for long enough and you will stumble upon a new source of water, somehow. You will need to cook meat; flint can be used to light kindling. The Lemon Press is your best form of kindling, guaranteed.

Spring Term 09/10

Film

The Lemon Press

If you find yourself in direct contact with the enemy, stay calm. You should probably avoid it. With patience, you can sneak around an abandoned building for almost ten minutes without being detected. If they notice you, doubtless the swarm will be alerted. If your party decides to make a stand, do not attempt to flee, as you will be taken by an unseen foe or group thereof. If your party decides to flee, do not attempt to make a stand. It will be in vain. If you have followed all of the above, you stand a pretty decent chance of survival. If not, remember: it's still not too late to become that young, single mother. This Lemon Press staffer is more than willing to help you out with that.

Jamie Gallimore

Q. Which big-budget film starring Nicole Kidman flopped at the box-office?

Kidman ponders her next move. . . .

A. Take your pick.

Spring Term 09/10

P age 19

...But 16 or more acts as a powerful contraceptive

The Lemon Press

Jamie Gallimore’s Science Newsflash Science for Science’s sake

Since 2009

•IBM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE “GOING ROGUE” IBM has been at work for years to create an advanced AI for military use. Things began to go wrong, however, when programmers decided to place the AI in a robot cat because they ‘thought it would be funny.’ Doomed and unproductive from the start, yesterday the programme went awry in an expensive and rather harrowing way.

During routine tests, the computer terminal to which the robot was connected went blank before displaying the characters I'M GOING ROGUE. Lights and security systems in the lab were deactivated and the cat has not been seen since.

Technicians have placed the threat level as ‘annoying’ since the cat is, actually, just a cat, and it poses no threat to the general population. It will more than likely spend its days sat on high things and radiating smugness. A robot arm working in a car assembly plant told us the cat was a ‘menace,’ and ‘gives robots a bad name.’

No cats were available for comment.

•AUSTRIAN SCIENTIST UNDER INVESTIGATION The police are working together with RSPCA officers after a morbid finding at an Austrian physicist's home.

Yesterday, officers found the home of Erwin Schrödinger contained the living corpses of up to sixty cats. These unfortunate felines had been experimented upon extensively by Dr. Schrödinger, and were described by the officers as being in a ‘confused and quantum state.’

No cats were available for comment.

•PLUTONIUM DOWNGRADED Scientists of the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry, IUPAC, have announced that Plutonium is now no longer to be considered an element. It has now been downgraded to a dwarf element. Oxford chemist Peter Atkins told us ‘It's about time. It should never have been an element in the first place.’

No cats were available for comment.

Page 20

Spring Term 09/10

Science & Technology

The Lemon Press

Creationists Didn't Evolve From Apes; They Haven't Evolved At All Creationists have often argued that they did not come from apes, a view usually ridiculed by the scientific community. Recent evidence, however, suggests that they may have actually been right. Scientists think that at the dawn of mankind, when the rest of the human race was busy evolving and adapting to their environment, creationists were refusing to take part in the evolutionary game, and as a result of this are therefore thoroughly un-evolved human beings.

The DNA of those who deny the glaringly obvious seems to be much more basic in structure. Instead of a double helix make-up like normal human beings, theirs is a single, thread-bare strand of pseudo philosophy.

‘What's interesting’, says Dr. Spengler, ‘is that their DNA pattern is very un-reactive, virtually ignoring everything that's going on around it’. He went on to say that ‘anything more complicated than a black and white environment becomes too much for this type

If you’re as desperate for attention as we are, join our Facebook group ‘The Lemon Press’ of organism, forcing it to, evolutionarily speaking, stick its fingers in its ears and shout 'Blah blah blah, I can't hear you’.

Pope Benedict XVIICXVIIVVXIXIVVIMCXXICV gave a sermon in acknowledgment of the news, praising the ‘steadfast, un-blinking dogma of those who accept the fairy tales of the Holy Book’. ‘That we are different proves us as God's children once and for all, let us rejoice in our total simplicity’.

Commenting on the research, Richard Dawkins, prolific hater of all types of imaginary friends, stated that the news was ‘shocking, but [that] this kind of discovery is what makes science so exciting’. He added that ‘while it can dent one's pride to be proven wrong, it's at least a silver lining to learn I don't share a chromosome with those who watch Loose Women’.

Sam Thornton

Above and left: The comparative evolutionary paths of man and creationist

Spring Term 09/10

P age XXI

At any one time, at least three LP editors will be arguing

The Lemon Press

LAB EQUIPMENT SALE NOW ON! Get down to Heisenberg's Lab Supplies, where we are overflowing with deals on laboratory equipment!

Get a great discount on frictionless planes, ideal Hookian springs, perfect vacuums and more!

Plus this weekend only, we have half price point particles in a variety of masses from 1g to 1 tonne. Buy one over 50kg and we'll throw in some hydrodynamical fluid and as much light, inextensible string as you can carry!

Only at Heisenberg's Lab Supplies!

98% of statisticians are awesome, statistics reveal A recent survey, conducted by the National Institute of Statistics (NIS) based in Nottingham, has revealed that 98% of all statisticians are ‘complete legends.’ The remaining 2% were reportedly made up of ‘Fred Lawson, who is an utter arse.’

The recent findings suggest that the majority of statisticians, especially those living in the lower Barking area of the city, are ‘genuinely good guys, just give me a chance Lucy.’ They also indicate that all statisticians are ‘incredibly well endowed,’ and are ‘strong yet sensitive.’

This report follows hot on the heels of the NIS’ findings last month, which revealed that 100% of all the twat Everton supporters down the Crown on Thursday ‘didn’t know what they hell they were talking about.’

Page 22

Scientists find no link between shouting at inanimate objects, and it having any effect Recent studies carried out by scientists at the Institute of Scientific Discovery based in Oxford have discovered no connection between the lambasting of inanimate objects and it having any discernible effect on them.

The tests, undertaken last week, attempted to show that we could influence objects around us when we were really pissed off.

‘We tried everything,’ said Professor Mark Folan. ‘Stubbing our toes on doorstops, and calling them “goddamn little s**t!” Trapping our hands in the bathroom door and shouting “arsehole door!” Crashing the computer and screaming “dumb stupid machine f*****g work!!” Nothing had any noticeable effect on the object in question. There were no signs of emotion from the object; no remorse, no guilt, no signs of pity. It was disheartening really.’

These tests follow on from the Institute’s studies last week, when they discovered that shouting advice to movie characters during films had no quantifiable impact on the character’s actions.

Tom Cook

Spring Term 09/10

Science & Technology

The Lemon Press

“Existence may cause cancer”, claim scientists Yesterday, scientists at the Institute for Cancer Research in Los Angeles released their shocking new findings on a previously unsuspected cause of cancer: existence.

‘After months of painstaking research, we can confirm that existence can increase the risk of cancer in humans by at least 10%,’ said Professor Mary Fischer. ...Continued on page 33 of Private Eye

NASA FINDS STARBUCKS ON MOON NASA have released pictures showing the existence of a Starbucks on the moon, proving the commonly held theory that ‘you really can’t go anywhere nowadays without bloody seeing one.’ The implications of this finding have sent shockwaves through the science community, as last year the Administrator of NASA declared that the mission to put a base on the moon was ‘flawed’ due to the ‘lack of air, suitable drinking water, and coffee houses serving a reasonably priced soy chai latte.’ However after the discovery of water on the lunar surface in November last year, this recent discovery is seen as many as a virtual thumbs up to proceed.

Interestingly, coffee has been at the heart of many problems with NASA lately with many industry whistle blowers voicing concerns of a ‘drinking culture’ in the multibillion dollar agency. An expected budget report is set to show that last year NASA big-wigs spent more money on coffee from their in-house shops than they did on training new astronauts.

year when he was asked at a book signing if he had any problems with caffeine addiction when he was working for NASA, he told gathering reporters: ‘Oh f**k dude, we were all doing that shit back in the day. It was the only way they could get us to sit in the goddamn rocket.

Buzz Aldrin only got the gig because he was our dealer...Oh, what caffeine? Nah don’t know anything about that dude.’

Closer to home, Anthony ‘out of Blue’ Costa, former boyband member and CEO of Costa Coffee says that this is a victory for the smaller brands. ‘I always said there was something wrong about that Starbucks lot, but that’s me all over. As my old Blue manager used to say, 'Anthony you can’t sing and you can barely dance, BUT you are a handy guy to have around”.’

Andy Brown

The saga even brought embarrassment on legendary figure Neil Armstrong earlier this Spring Term 09/10

P age 23

On the final day of production, Dave received an email every 2 minutes

The Lemon Press

How I stopped beating my girlfriend I have a confession to make: I used to beat my girlfriend. I don’t know why I did it, but I guess it made me feel big. Maybe it was how I was brought up, maybe I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down with her and talk about our problems like adults.

The story was always the same. We’d get in from a night out, both of us a little rowdy after having too much to drink. Then some insignificant thing would spiral out of control, and pretty soon we’d be bickering over something stupid like whether Ian McKellen is gay. Now I realise that it’s better to resolve our differences peacefully, but once I had a few beers in me it seemed like there was only one way to sort it out.

So I beat her, sometimes several times in the same night. ‘In your face!’ I would shout, as she sat slumped on the sofa, elbows on knees and head in hands, controller in lap.

All the telltale signs were there. She used to say it was her own fault, how she brought it upon herself, even that she deserved it. As sick as it sounds, hearing that made me almost feel justified in what I was doing.

That all changed, however, when I brought home a copy of Left4Dead on the Xbox. I sat for days trying to play through the story mode by myself, only to be repeatedly overwhelmed by endless waves of the undead. My computer controlled companions were no help: they usually just ran in circles or jumped off the edge of buildings.

Under the promise of anonymity, “Chris” speaks out. His address and gamertag are on our website.

In desperation, I reached out to my partner (who was feeling rather chirpy without my daily can of Halo 3 flavoured whoop-ass being unleashed on her).

‘Please help me’, I cried. ‘I can’t find my way out of the sewer system.’ Fortunately for my gamer-score (and our relationship), she accepted. Lately there’s been no arguing and no more fighting each other. If we disagree about anything, instead of beating the crap out of eachother in a Modern Warfare 2 deathmatch, we simply grab a controller each and vent our frustration at the hordes of zombies intent on eating our brains; together.

My copy of Halo 3 now sits unused and dusty behind the TV cabinet. I’m a changed man, thanks to the modern marvel of cooperative gameplay (although I still sometimes kneecap her before the end of the level just to make sure I get the highest score).

If you are ashamed of your behaviour I hope you can find it in yourself to change ,like I did before, it’s too late. If shoot-‘em-ups aren’t your thing, I strongly recommend games such as Guitar Hero or Lego Indiana Jones. But definitely not Wii Sports Resort – things occasionally get a little too physical.

?

Page 24

Spring Term 09/10

Lifestyle

The Lemon Press

Mystical Mephedrone Mike gazes into his crystal meth, predicts some of your stars, others presumed lost...* Cancer Jun 23 - Jul 23 Bad news I’m afraid, Cancer. Your beloved pet snake will die this week after being eaten by a ravenous otter. My condolences go out to you: particularly as the otter in question will return within the next year to systematically devour your entire family...

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23 Nothing at all will change this week Virgo.

It’s all pretty dull really. Asda might change their pricing a little, but other than that you’ve got a pretty dull period coming up really. Why not team up with a Gemini if you crave some excitement?

Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 21 You might notice some suspicious internal bleeding this week Sagittarius. Don’t worry; it’s a result of that fisting incident I wrote about in your last horoscope. A quick trip to the Doctors should sort you right out! Next time, why not try my new lube for a smoother, more sensual and satisfying sexual experience. Remember – reach for the stars with Mike’s Stargazer Lube™!

Libra Sep 24 - Oct 23 Ah Libra, um... well your wife is having an affair I’m afraid. With me. We love one another deeply, and, as you read this are lying in bed sipping champagne and laughing at the pain that this horoscope must be causing you. Soon I will make love to her so passionately and vigorously that she will forget that you ever existed. She’s left you, mate. Move on. To talk to your wife, call my Premium Hotline on (08001555186) (calls cost £4.50/min) On the plus side, you’ll win £10 on the Lottery this week.

* Mike cannot be held responsible for the truth of his words.

Spring Term 09/10

P age 25

The Lemon Press was briefly floated on the FTSE 100...

The Lemon Press

LEMONY LETTERS Something to get off your chest? Send your complaints and compliments to: chair@thelemonpress.co.uk A Speech on the Behalf of the Christian Democrats Dear The Lemon Press, The moral pollution of university life is rife within our social hubbub. The stink of debauchery does not emanate from the lake on summer days or public toilets after Friday nights, but from the stench of pleasure that students so readily mask with cheap perfume and Lynx.

Condoms are distributed willy-nilly, to students who should have been raised better. They are like fun sized balloons in sweetpacket wrapping, masking the lubricated horrocity that lies within.

If only students knew better of the horrors condoms cause.

Aside from aiding the spread of Sexually-Transmitted-Pleasure, they allow casual fun to be a major factor in university life. I ask, friends, what happened to the good old days of committed academia and theological reflection? It has been flushed down the toilet like a used sheath. We are the plunger, Christian comrades, we must unblock the detritus of liberation, and seek to wipe up the sticky, delicious mess before it infects us too.

Alex Allison

STFU!

Which media society chair recently ran over a local mutt and buried it’s body in the woods behind Wentworth?

The Lemon Press Elections: Get involved with York’s longest running satire magazine.

Week 9 Join our Facebook group for more info Page 26

Regarding Acomb I was thrilled to see your trip to Acomb in the last issue was a success; I endeavour to take on a similar trip myself. However, before even considering the travel, I had the fortune of acquainting myself with two Acombites, who were more than willing to enlighten me with their customs in exchange for explanations of things such as payslips and tax returns. One of the most interesting things they told me was that in Acomb, whilst one might assume the local greeting of " 'ere, mate!" could be loosely translated to "Hey, chaps!", it actually means, "Ear, mate" or "I want your ear!" They also recommended that I made sure to be carrying cigarettes (to trade with the locals), cheap tarts (to trade with the locals), and an assortment of cakes. I wanted to pass these lessons on whilst I still have the chance, in case I never return.

Fliss from Psychology Spring Term 09/10

Lifestyle

The Lemon Press

I had the worst Christmas. I put on three stone from binging on chocolates and roast potatoes which in turn caused my boyfriend to leave me, I seem to have developed a pretty serious drinking problem and I’m pretty sure I caught gonorrhoea from a drunken New Year’s shag. I’ve come back to York depressed, fat and disease-ridden. Please help... people have stopped talking to me.

Yours in desperation, Sad, single 2nd Year, Tang Hall Oh dear we have let ourselves go haven’t we?

I know it’s tempting to descend into sluttishness and slobbery over the holidays, but look where it’s got you! Well, you’ll need to work off that weight gain somehow, and therefore I suggest killing two birds with one stone by finding yourself a hot Latin lover (or similar) – sex is marvellous exercise my love and you’ll also be making your callous ex jealous in the process; perfect!

The drinking problem needn’t be a problem if handled correctly: nothing worse than a drunk woman darling but as long as you’re drinking something chic and dainty - we all know my feelings on Martinis, but you could do equally well with a nice Cognac or Single Malt - drinking is marvellously elegant.

With regards to your ‘romantic’ disease, I’d recommend getting yourself down to the clinic tout de suite! Get your little mess cleared up, and in the future dear, do make sure you protect yourself from such unsavoury visitors by using a good quality prophylactic.

And finally dear, do remember to try not to wallow in self pity – no man wants a girl who is constantly whingeing about her life: I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities, and once you’ve sorted out your Christmas excess problems you should bring these to the fore!

Top Tips!

•Have lots of old photos? Why not make them into a trendy photo frame? That way your old memories can encase your new ones!

•Like those trendy UGG boots, but not the high price tag? Just superglue some Perspex to the soles of a pair of cheap slipper boots – Bargain!

•Want luscious blonde locks, but can’t afford salon prices? Pouring the bleach from the bathroom works just as well as those fancy hair treatments – at a fraction of the price!

Got a problem you need Miss M to solve?

Join The Lemon Press Facebook group!

Spring Term 09/10

P age 27

...Causing our current financial crisis

The Lemon Press

the internet some day i'll be asked, 'What was it like before the internet?' and i'll look a little baffled and shift my weight from heel to toe and say 'Urm, I can't remember.' and i won't have lied.

my dream party has practical implications which would hold it back: all the guests are dead and none of them speak English.

Cafe Culture The coffee shop swung into view Mondays, muffins are on offer But it turned out they were cashew; Bad times, for I’m no nut scoffer.

Alex Allison

‘There will be no whimsy in my paper!’

So carrot cake it had to be And I slumped down to read the Times.

Excitingly, I stumbled on Some interview with LeAnn Rimes.

Then getting tired of social norms I kicked a small child in the face, Poured my espresso on the floor, And set fire to the whole damn capitalist place.

Page 28

Spring Term 09/10

The Lemon Press

Creative

9.15

Gary Potts and Massacre, Part I

the

Milky

Gary sat bolt upright. His head was pounding – it was the ska again. Nobody in Griffrhysdor had had a good night's sleep ever since the House Elvis's had formed and started rehearsing in the middle of the night, as this was the only time when they weren't being forced to cook and clean for the pampered freaks of Pigwarts. Gary, who was a very light sleeper, and also the chosen one, had been one of the students worst affected by the painfully loud music. Pulling his hat over his bushy jet black hair before going down to a hearty Elvis-made breakfast in the Central Hall, Gary felt more alone than ever in his suffering. No one understood what it was like not to get any sleep because of the ska, or at least this was what he thought in his blind arrogance. If only Professor Dumbeldawn was still alive, Gary thought. He could ask him for the answers he so desperately needed, such as where a decent pair of earplugs could be found.

Read more of the same in J.K. Rowling’s extensive back catalogue of crap Dominic Mantle

I’m a pillar spitting chalk Walking back and forth Against a green So far from grass Before the screaming silence That is my class I can see their brains Shuffle out the door The ones not dozing On the floor Doodle, whisper, whistle, sing Ignore the subject You’re drowning in Oh, who do I kid?

This lesson ain’t worth squat You pretend to listenI know you’re not Once my passion burned; hot enough to scold And send me running bold into battle, breach And Lecture Hell With sword in hand (My laser pen) Pointed to The enemy’s den Your student heart To pry apart And fill with smarts Now The pen has faded all too quick I find I grip upon my stick With less fervor than before In me there’s little light to spare, And not a little more I count the years You have on me Old Man Teacher with his ginger tea There’s a girl In Row One

Spring Term 09/10

Filling her chair With a perfect bum Strawy hair And I compare The chance I had Twenty years to now From brittle to limp Biscuit quick No, let’s not despair For the girl with the hair Will see your good heart Mature in its art Your humour could dazzle -Your seasoned, not frazzled So let’s go through this again Every lecture is the same The halfway point is mud But then, we find a flood Of interest from the art Defence of my years spent In library’s cruel rent Pull the audience with me See how charming I can be?

The girl with hair, She chuckles Her laughter My spirit ruffles I’ll teach to her Then the others From the bright green blackboard’s cover This knowledge, don’t you spurn You’ll listen and you’ll learn Your hearts are mine to mould So once more I’ll be bold My answer without question: Here begins the lesson!

Elliott Gresswell

P age 29

Obituaries Barry the Bluebottle

The Emo Press

A Night in the Bush

A great annoyance, Barry the Bluebottle had it coming and got it, courtesy of a brief meeting with a rolled up newspaper and the window. He spent his time landing on things – your arm, the chair, your plate – and then flying away again, somehow making an inordinate amount of noise. He was also responsible for at least one additional incident of somebody mistakenly thinking ‘Oh no, there’s a bee in the room,’ and for perpetuating the stereotype of whimsical imaginary creatures usually having alliterative names. Barry will not be missed, but will get his revenge in small measure through somebody having to clean up the mess he made when he was pulverised.

The last candle Born a while ago, the last candle was the archetypal tea light, that notable combination of foil and wax. Throughout its short life it gave us frankly inadequate lighting and even poorer heating as we waited for the power to come back on. It smelt quite nice – being scented – and it was also fun, reminding us of a simpler time. Interests included flickering, making a mess on the table, and providing a decent example of combustion in action. The last candle died a minute or so ago, meaning that I can no longer actively moderate my handwriting. Its memory will live on in the existence of millions of other completely identical tea lights, to the extent that we’ll probably just get some more.

My heart is black like the sun at night, Gone from me like the day, And invisible now, like my tears That you don’t see, because they’re not like stars, They don’t shine, they’re kind of watery and see-through, Which is why you don’t love me!

They are not like the moon, which is white and cold, Like the pale carcass hanging from a tree That represents your love for me.

And in that carcass is a maggot, Wriggling and eating, causing a hole, A hole where your heart is, And it tears me in half, And my top half falls off, Like a statue cut in half by a laserbeam.

Pew pew pew, And my guts fall out And wrap around my throat And oppress me like my suffocating need for affirmation and love.

I write my name in blood on your face, Which I’ve drawn on a cardboard box With a black felt tip pen, Because I can’t bear to see you again.

If I were to lay my eyes on you again, I think I’d die ...and also probably be arrested Unless I hide in the bushes at night, But then you might think I’m a little creepy Which whilst true is not my objective in writing this dirge to our love.

Won’t you come back to me?

Ryan Fitzgerald, spurned lover Spring Term 09/10

The Emo Press

•Aromatic Party Duck: He’s soaking in the Hoisin of your lies

•Gillette Fusion The comfort of five blades...

•Self loathing That wasn’t even funny

scene or sellout?

•Sweeping your hair to the left Chris and Dave say, “right is right”

•Carebears On Fire A late night Youtube session uncovers this veritable crock of shit.

•Cadbury An emotional sellout to the Kraft-Man

25 ways to impress depress your partner in bed “They’ll love you for this”

Inside this week’s bumper issue: We test drive 3 of the latest razors “Your most comfortable shave yet”

Jeans: How tight is too tight?

Stock emo joke #4 They should be easy to mock, but we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

It's like, ‘How much more black could this be?' and the answer is 'None. None more black.’