The Lemon Press - Issue 44

Loving is easy, saying goodbye is hard.

Editors' Introduction

The Lemon Press office is empty. Dust coats the desks. Spare pages of past issues flutter in the wind. One can taste the stories in the air. If the walls could speak they would scream. So many memories. Both happy and miserable. Mostly miserable. But now that time is over. It is Will and Lucy’s last time as your editors.

But apparently they didn’t quite get the memo, and have already cashed the Bloomberg cheques. We sent them an email to ask if they were going to put together this issue, but instead, all we got was some spiel about their supposed ‘Lives After The Lemon Press.’ Here’s what they had to say: Lucy: I’m doing great! I’m living free, finally managing to have time for my degree, and I’m totally not at a loss of purpose and identity! I’m fine! Everything is fine! I’m having drinks with the gals, no I’m not drinking to numb the pain, it’s just to celebrate my freedom! Life is mine for the taking! So is the abyss!

Contents pp 3-10 pp 11-18 pp 19-20 pp 21 pp 22-26 pp 27-28 pp 29 pp 30

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Features Sports Arts Poetry & Horoscopes

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Will Rowan and Lucy Finnighan

Will: I didn't think I had a life after The Lemon Press but neither did Cher and look at her now. After issue 44, I spent a long time in the decompression chamber. There's only so long that you can metaphorically ride a Ducati at 120mph until life, work, and YUSU catch up with you. My crusade against Pascal Sauvage continues and so must I. It's been a wild, wierd year full of wondeful nonsense — some of which has made it into these pages. I literally bled for The Lemon Press but that's a a story for another time... farewell! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

Deputy Editors: Perkin Amalaraj and Chris Small Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters

The Lemon Press grieves the loss of two editors, but prepares to take on board and ultimately destroy another pair soon.

Illustrators: Holly Palmer (Front Cover) and Niall McGenity (Back Cover)

That's enough about them though. This issue includes the definitive guide to your YUSU Election candidates and our official endorsements for each role. As ever, we have incisive reporting on the U.S. Presidential election, from news that the Democrats are actually trying to win in 2020 to an in-depth analysis of which candidate stands up for Gamers. This is the best of The Lemon Press and the worst. Enjoy!

President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Chris Small

Will Rowan and Lucy Finnighan

Campus Editor: Judd Bennett News & Politics Editors: Niall McGenity, Harry James, and Kathryn Downey.

Lifestyle Editors: Charles Proctor and Joe Thornton Arts Editors: Joe Thornton and Charles Proctor Sports Editor: Judd Bennett

Vice-President: Michael Peel Social Secretaries: Perkin Amalaraj and Alex Andrews Ordinary Members: Ashvini Rae, Myles Dunnett, and Henry Dyer.

Contributors: Matt Higgins, Bex Scott, Beth Hubbard, Ben Walker, Greg Waddell, Pasky Miranda, Alfie Gerzimbke, Amy Howarth, Finlay Bosworth, Tom Davies, Chay Quinn, Nick Lunn, Cameron Gordon, and Jack Harvey.

Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 17th February 2020.

Press F to pay respects.

Contents

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10 people that read The Lemon Press will like this.

L EC T E U S U Y Why are we here? Just to suffer?

The time has come. 'YUSU Elections 2020' is the latest in a series that critics have called 'dull', 'sterile', and 'a charade that has long outstayed its welcome.' You can see the signs of 'democracy' a mile off — they're hideous, covered in bad puns, and rough to the touch. The candidates behind these campaign signs will have been all over campus on their quest for relevance.

Do not initiate conversation with them. They are riddled with the malaise of 'democratic engagement' and won't hesitate to tell you all about themselves. Still wondering who to vote for? No fear. The Lemon Press has the definitive list of all the candidates running to represent you. This year we are joined by our sponsor, Mike Bloomberg, who is running for every single role just because he can. It would have been rude to decline the stack of money we received. We cut through all the noise to bring you these most heavenly voices.

YUSU PRESIDENT Mugabe: Return of the King

Edward IV

King Edward IV wants to follow in his father's Mugabe is keen footsteps by to capitalise on his recent becoming the leader of the electoral success by becoming ultimate Yorkist faction: the first deceased incumbent YUSU. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: to win re-election.

YASS KING. DEATH TO CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Vote LANCASTRIANS. for the fist, get the fist.

The Unknown Gamer The Unknown Gamer has lived a thousand lives which makes them the most experienced candidate for YUSU President.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: It's time for a Gamer President.

Mike Bloomberg The billionaire, ex-mayor of New York city is hoping to move up in the world by becoming your YUSU President #ad.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Mike will get it done at any cost.

ACTIVITIES OFFICER J.J. Abrams Fresh from destroying Star Wars, Abrams is fancying his chances at lowering YUSU's rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: I am the mystery box.

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Odlaw The evil twin of Wally has been driven to absolute desperation — he'll do anything for your vote, anything. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Witness me!

Yorfess Admins They see you when you're sleeping. They know when you're awake.

They know who they are. We do too. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Darkness is our ally.

Mike Bloomberg Mike wants to bring back ActiviTeas but host them in a wine cellar with caviar, crêpes, and cocktail sausages. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Mikey for activities!

We're running our own elections soon...

That's it. That's the header.

Image credits: www.kremlin.ru , Neil Grabowsky (Wikimedia); Glamhag (Flickr), Byline Times, Gage Skidmore (Wikimedia); Looper , Chris McAndrew, KA Sports Photos (Flickr).

Descriptions by Will Rowan, nominees chosen by The Lemon Press.

TIONS 20 20 ACADEMIC OFFICER Dominic Cummings The most powerful man in Britain wants even more power over your life. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Freak power!

#YangGang YangGang has done the MATH and know this is the only race where they have a hope in hell of winning.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Let Yang Scream.

Julius Caesar Caesar's wide ranging experience as a dictator make him ideal for the role, bad luck department reps. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Et tu, YUSU?

Mike Bloomberg Bloomberg learnt it all at the school of hard knocks... err... Harvard.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Big money, big business, big Bloomberg!

COMMUNITY & WELLBEING OFFICER Arthur Fleck This stand-up comedian just wants to put a smile on your face. He's still waiting to hear from Unity Health. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Don't come to work today.

Coronavirus This deadly disease knows what it takes to go viral with it opening new campaign offices everyday. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Vote for change, vote for a diffferent strain.

Rory Stewart Just like Paddington, Rory wants to live in your house and use your bath.

Will you let him in?

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Can I use this towel?

Mike Bloomberg Mike wants to personally stop and frisk every student on campus.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Put your hands where I can see them!

YORK SPORT PRESIDENT Lord Lucan Lord Lucan is an expert in the sport of hide and seek having dissapeared in 1974 and not been seen since. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Catch me if you can.

... why not join us?

Kobe Bryant

Manchester City

Kobe's long career for the Los Now that they Angeles Lakers won't be playing makes him ideal in European to start the Hes football, they'll have plenty East and Hes West Lakers. more time on their hands.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: I'm out CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: Oops, there playing chess. we did it again.

Mike Bloomberg Bloomberg's back baby and he has controversial 'opinions' on more than just the college sport fee.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: You can't escape. I will catch you!

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Students can have a little Democracy, as a treat.

My Manifesto for Head Boy Hello, fellow student. I’m Will and I’m running to be YOUR Head Boy. You may have seen my terrible posters around campus. You may have seen my hashtag on twitter, #theWillofthepeople. You definitely won’t see proof of my total Twitter advertising spend.

Throughout this campaign, I have listened to you to such a degree that I’m no longer the same person, I’m a hideous amalgamation of all of you— your ideas, your desires, your head boy. When I am elected, the headmaster will have no choice but to respect our democratic mandate. Here is our manifesto.

Education is the reason we come to school. It’s the reason I’m writing this and you’re able to read it. However, I believe we’ve lost our way. We need to go back to basics.

I will personally introduce homework diaries for every student.

These should be signed weekly by a parent or guardian.

I will always ‘say it as it is’ by renaming lectures as lessons and lecturers as teachers.

I will replace STYCs with prefects. Prefects will be awarded a special badge and be required to monitor freshers during break time and lunch hours.

I will ban all mobile phones on campus apart from the Casio FX 95 GT Plus.

I will force the whole class to stand up whenever a teacher enters the room and greet them in unison. ‘Good Morning Dr. Krauss' etc.

I will add termly parent’s evenings where your parents and/or guardians can be updated about your progress.

I will ensure a form teacher is assigned to every fresher. Every student must report to their form tutor during form time (8:00 8:30 and 15:30 - 16:00).

I will empower teachers by giving them the authority to bestow a sticker upon your homework diary for good work.

Free cake every Friday afternoon in class.

Circle time every day during morning form time.

I will tackle grade inflation by ensuring all exam paper marks are awarded by a random number generator.

I will lead hymn practice every Friday morning. A vote for me puts the whole world back in your hands.

Will Rowan

Could We Have Had Just a Little Bit of Roman in the Roman Raid?

In hindsight, it was unreasonable of me to expect YUSU to source authentic Romans from the height of the empire and I’ll admit that it was unlikely that activities president Olly Martin would have gone head to head with an actual lion in full on gladiatorial combat. But I paid £4, and they could have at least got some Italians and a large cat.

they not serving wine (my preferred drink given the theme of the night), but the jukebox thing refused to play the Secular Ode of Horace, the standout jam of the 1st century.

All I’m saying is that for a Roman raid, it was lacking the atmosphere that I expect from the SPQR. It’s my fault for jumping to conclusions and buying the t-shirt (which, I’ll add, would not have approved clothing in the senate), but we didn’t even kill a single pict. Now, I know, they haven’t been around in a while and it would require either a time machine or necromancy to get one, but I would have accepted just some men with spears and face paint. The point here is it’s like they didn’t even try. There I was with my replica (but still very functional) gladius ready to spread the might of the eagle, and everyone else was only interested in the deal on trebles in Lowther. To say my disappointment was comparable to that of Emperor Romulus August upon finding out he was to be the last emperor of the Roman Empire would be an understatement.

Panto Society to Become Proscribed Group

It was around then, at Lowthers, that I gave up my dreams of the greatest empire to grace the European continent. Not only were

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In the end, though, none of that really mattered because I ended up just getting really drunk.

Matt Higgins The Home Office has announced that the UoY Panto Society has become a proscribed group because ‘it is an extremist group which wields too much political influence’. Whilst the Home office is not sharing the specifics of the case, The Lemon Press has seen the MI5 files of the case, which shows that the Panto Society was responsible for the Ouse flooding, the Courtyard’s chip fryer breaking, the death of Princess Diana, the disappearance of Lord Lucan, and the assassination of Iranian General Qasem Soleimani.

When asked if they were an extremist group, a society spokesperson said ‘oh no we’re not’ and then we didn’t bother to ask them any more questions because we didn’t want to deal with bullshit answers like that.

Chris Small

We're on Facebook.

Lemon Press proven to have no nutrional value.

The New Alcuin Kitchen Menu: TLP's Top Writers Review

The atmosphere was nice within the kitchen, which is surprising for student media meetups. I liked the décor; it was very quaint, like a grandmother’s kitchen. It reminded me of my childhood, where my grandma would make me cakes and I would spend half an hour picking out the cherries in them.

The food… well, we’ll start with the drinks. Our meal was accompanied by mocktails, as per the non-alcohol policy of the café. They were pretty to look at, but to my horror, when I stared into the drink, a clear transparent drink was not what I saw.

There were BITS in them. I saw a leaf, I saw some weird fruit thing, which I’ve been told is called an orange slice.

Don’t they know that nothing can have bits in, for risk of being disgusting?

Then the food came, and I can safely say that I liked the cheese bites. Cheese bites are always great. I liked them when I was five, and I love them now that I’m thirty five.

Unfortunately, that was the only food I could review, as it was the only food I agreed to eat. I saw there was chicken, but it had BBQ sauce on it, which is far too spicy for me. I saw there was pizza, but there was this purple vegetable on it. I can’t believe that anyone would think that it’s a good idea to put anything more than cheese and tomato on a pizza. Hell, even putting tomato on is pushing it.

The staff were very friendly I must admit, and I do appreciate the new later opening times. I shall be sure to pop along during the late hours of the night for more cheese bites. It’ll cheer me up, as I’ve just been informed that I have scurvy.

So I rate the release 2/5 stars. Two for each thing I was willing to digest here. Now if you don’t mind, I’m off for my lovely dinner of dairylea dunkers and nothing else.

A Really Picky Eater (Lucy Finnighan) I want to speak to the manager.

Here I thought that I was finally going to be the talk of the town.

I was finally going to be the first to review a new food locale, before Karen got her grubby, overly manicured hands all over it.

But turns out it wasn’t worth it. This place is disgraceful. I cannot believe the way I was treated there! Has the world lost its respect for their wise elders? Yes I know I’m 42.

When the kids and I first arrived, I couldn’t help but wrinkle my nose at the state of the place. Tables turned over, plates smashed, crayon on the wall. Yes, I know that it was my children who did all that, but they can’t help it! Alcuin Kitchen should be prepared for this kind of thing!

Give us a like.

As for the food, I can barely even describe it! It was like something Karen made at the last PTA meeting. Disgusting! At least it was better than what Sandra brought, I guess. It wasn’t store-bought, at least. Sandra really needs to realise that the PTA for Magic Mummies will never accept her if she keeps pulling this shit.

Also, they didn’t accept my coupon! When I went to give one waitress a coupon that stated 'All Mothers Get Everything Free', the server claimed that the food was free, so I didn’t need to give a coupon. She didn’t take my coupon! The bloody cheek! And the server stated it in such a rude and disrespectful way, she only said 'Madam' twice in one sentence! I cannot believe they would attack me like this! My children burst into tears from her comments! I’m in the hospital RIGHT NOW because of what that woman said to me!

So overall, the service was terrible, the food abysmal, and the fact that there are only mocktails so I can’t get shitfaced-I mean, mummy can’t have some nice unwinding time here, means that I am going to shut this place down, unless I get all of your coupons, and… wait, is this not the manager? This is The Lemon Press? This is outrageous. How dare you treat me like this! I don’t care that I barged into your office and began frantically typing away on some random student’s computer, this is all your fault! I want to speak to the Lemon Manager!

-10/5 stars. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers, and from my Yelp review.

Deborah (Also Lucy Finnighan) The so-called mainstream press does a lot of restaurant reviews, however, never before have they let a potato salad review the restaurant. Restaurant reviewing is a noble mission and one I, the first potato salad to write a restaurant review will take with the utmost seriousness.

The selection of food started off well, with pizza, pita, and bao, but then I cast my eyes to the potato wedges, and oh the potatomanity! Whilst the potato wedges are poor inferior cousins of us potato salads, it was unfortunate to see them die by the dozens.

And then the true horror occurred. Despite transferring to restaurant critique from my previous career as a warzone reporter, I had never seen something so horrific. Two bowls of potato salad instantly wiped out, wait, they’re putting me on the serving table, I see the spoon of death descending on my bowl is this the en-arrrgh!

The Potato Salad (Chris Small)

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Proud alma mater of 149 Freelance journalists and one woman.

21 Year Old Student Still Looking for 'Childhood Dream Job'

'Coronavirus not a Valid Reason for Exceptional Circumstances' Says University

Imagine knowing what you want to do. Ponder the sheer audacity of having a ‘life plan’. Some people have a life calling. I want to know their carrier service as I’m frankly being ripped off in comparison. Some want to be a doctor, some want to write for Buzzfeed, some want to just be taken seriously as a stand-up comedian in a ‘gritty’ portrayal of Gotham City. Good for them.

The Politics, Economics, English, PEP, Drama, and Natural Sciences departments (a.k.a the departments with the highest levels of drama queens) have released a joint statement telling all students that 'fear' over coronavirus and the fact that York is actually relevant and in the news for once does not mean that students can request exceptional circumstances. 'This thing is less deadly than some kinds of flu quit being drama queens and actually do the degree you're paying a ridiculous amount for!' said one of the people who have control over extenuating circumstances. Of course exactly who has control over exceptional circumstances is shrouded in secrecy, probably so angry students told that their circumstances aren't exceptional can't do anything, if I could get my hands on whoever said the silverfish invasion of '19 wasn't exceptional I'd...

You want to know what I always wanted to be? Great, me too.

Fireman? Whoever cleans the bogs at Bognor Regis? The 13th astronaut to walk on the moon? A lookalike of myself? Set up a Patreon where I just pay myself and somehow end up with infinite money? Be bought out by Hulu? Amass the largest collection of other collectors in existence to only get collected by another collector? Offer my body to science as maybe they want it??? Do a PhD? Create a shortage of beans by not buying them all but doing something so utterly grotesque with them that noone can think about eating beans ever again? Pretend I’m the oldest man alive only to be fatally embarrassed when they find out I’m not even close? Ah, one of those will do. Thanks for asking.

Will Rowan

Nouse Exclusive: Only 50% of Soap Dispensers in the Male Toilets by V-Bar Work.

Nouse has found this out from an FOI request. We’ve asked the toilets for comment but have not received a response, however they were overheard flushing in a way that is clearly contemptuous of student media (which is just us by the way).

Chris Small

Students Living in Fear after York Strengths Makes their Housemates 'Just Too Strong'.

These departments stand by their ruling and when I asked further it was suggested that instead I actually wrote my own essays rather than pestering them over this.

Bex Scott

12:00am - 12:00am in J.B. Morrell Special Agent Terry Orange was assigned to guard the Vice Chancellor in his inaugural tour of the library. A rumour had passed through Hes Hall intelligence that a group of students were threatenning to assassinate him, and it was Orange's responsibility to ensure his protection.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Movement on the top floor! Something was rustling, but nobody could confirm or deny it. Orange ordered a team up, but the intelligence report came back negative.

Open door have reported a worrying rise in students feeling unsafe on campus this term, blaming the trend on several days of York Strengths Development Days, and the unlevel playing field they have created.

Beep Beep Beep Beep

The cult-like day long program allegedly culminates in a sort of ritual that endows its participants with unholy power. Both bursary students forced to attend, and their ambitious classmates with clearly too much time on their hands, went home with a range of new powers, from absurd strength to the ability to create another prefab Derwent block at will.

BANG!

Shoddily installed doors across university have come off their hinges at the touch of the newly empowered, whereas several members of D-Bar staff have been cursed to the fiery pits of hell after refusing a fiery-eyed York Strengths graduate their 19th ‘cheeky D’ of the evening.

Harry James 7

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Everything came together so suddenly. As the procession began and the VC passed through turnstile, someone screamed.

"What was that?" some student bellowed out from the top floor.

Smoke lay everywhere, and Orange lay over the VC. He was alive, but not everyone fared as well. York alumnus and constant menace to The Lemon Press Jack Harvey had returned for a visit of the library, but his tattered, unconscious and poorly dressed body lay in pieces on the floor.

'Fuck!'

Harry Clay

Have any questions?

God is dead and The Lemon Press killed Him.

YorFlesh After an accident in the Biology Department late last week caused the outbreak of a new virus the department was working on, YUSU has seized on this as a new opportunity to exploit the student body - I mean, represent the University.

The virus itself (bearing absolutely no relation to Coronavirus, to be clear) damages people’s brains, causing them to have an irresistible urge to consume human flesh. Originally thought to be fatal, it was discovered only yesterday that once this urge was controlled, the patient becomes as conscious and astute as any other student.

Due to this discovery, YUSU has decided to announce the release of a new product, known as ‘YorFlesh’ - a piece of human flesh victims of the virus can eat, before they themselves donate part of their own body (a hand, for instance, or a leg) which in turn would be consumed by another student, giving them the energy and resources needed for their own donated flesh to grow back.

Speaking to a Lemon Press reporter, YUSU President Samara Jones commented: ‘This is an innovative new way of not only promoting awareness of this virus, and acceptance of those affected, but also increasing awareness of environmental issues we’re currently facing: all of the YorFlesh is 100% reusable and renewable!’ when pressed for further comment, all she was heard to say was: ‘A zombie apocalypse, the STUDENT way!’ before trying to eat our reporter (she was then hurried away by two members of campus security).

Our reporter is, sadly, now infected by the virus, and during the layup of this edition went on a rampage which infected all our members and killed at least two.

Lucy Purkis Charters

Mister Gorbachev, Tear Down This Construction Site!

Samara Jones Delivers State of the Union Address

Jones hailed the ‘great Jorvik comeback’ in a rip-roaring State of the Union speech that saw President Jones laud her ‘incredible’ achievements. ‘Many doubted I could do so much in so little time. They said I’d never achieve more than Jim Durcan. Who’s laughing now?’ Jones remonstrated to a deadly silent room.

The details of her bold contract with the people of York were reiterated. The State of the Union address is a time to take stock of past achievements. When Jones first ascended no-one could accuse her of being overambitious. Jones called for more transparency which she has delivered with more glass being on campus than ever before. That’s a fact.

Jones pledged to ‘Make YUSU outlets more friendly’ and delivered by closing down Courtyard until it learnt some manners. Tough but fair! The final cornerstone of her manifesto was to ‘work across campuses’. The evidence for this is a bit more iffy but with such a strong track record it was probably delivered.

Applause thundered when the speech turned to infrastructure plans, ‘We’ve already built a big, beautiful Greggs on Hes East, now it’s time to repair the crippled infrastructure on West.’ 'This is the day she became President’, said someone who had been waiting for months to make such a statement.

Will Rowan

Sport Socials Promote JoJo Rabbit

Several sports groups at the University of York have been revealed to have been part of a promotional campaign for boxoffice hit JoJo Rabbit. Their logic appears simple: If you’re going to do it anyway, why not get paid for it? However, their type of advertising differs slightly from the JoJo Rabbit posters. They seek to emphasise a particular part of the film that isn’t emphasised in other marketing material. A very, very specific part. After initial success, they hope to reach deals to promote films such as Inglourious Basterds, Overlord, and Valkyrie.

Will Rowan

The construction work taking place between East and West Campus has turned the University of York into a miniature version of Berlin between 1961-1991. Once upon a time, the path to the glorious West Campus was an easy one. On a Thursday night around 6:45 pm, I was able to stroll along the path connecting East to West. Reaching my destination of the well known D Bar in good time to attend the famed weekly Lemon Press meeting. Now times are tough. As I am writing this, I am strapped to the underside of a JCB Fastrac 4220 tractor as I attempt to cross the construction site for the weekly meeting.

Wish me luck.

Joe Thornton

Email us at thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Cold War Recreation by Holly Palmer

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At least you're not at YSJ, smile.

What to do When Your Friend Tells You they're Running in the YUSU Elections:

1) Try to book them an appointment with Open Door, no one sane would do that to themselves. The campaign alone is a nightmare and then if you win you've got a year of thankless work ahead of you. However Open Door is so underfunded there's little chance you'll get an appointment so move on to step two.

3) Break campaigning law, YUSU sets out very strict rules for what's allowed and not allowed in campaigning however they're a lot of effort to read, and honestly who can blame you if you slip up, which will then obviously be reported to the SU. Although if last year is anything to go by, this may well not work. So move on to step four.

2) Find any excuse to not be on their campaign team. Join the navy, drop out of uni, take up hockey, do anything so you have an excuse not to have to help them campaign, you don't want to be dragging poorly painted cardboard all around campus and realising you don't know how zip ties work while nearly falling in the lake. However if they guilt you into helping or you can't think of an excuse quick enough move to step three.

4) Buy them a drink when they win and promise to be a shoulder to cry on. They've done it, they've won and have condemned themselves for at least a year, all that's left to do is buy them a drink, they'll prefer something strong, and wait until you can say I told you so.

Bex Scott

Top 4 Ways to Smuggle Booze into the Kitchen at Alcuin

First Bus Admits that Live Bus Times are Updated Using a Random Number Generator.

YUSU have now launched the late-night menu of the Kitchen at Alcuin, which will continue to serve non-alcoholic drinks including a range of mocktails. However, if you want to give your mocktail a kick, here are some top tips.

Ever been sat at Merchantgate and watched your bus’s arrival jump from four minutes to six? Ever got to a stop after checking the First Bus app to see your apparently 'live' bus mysteriously evaporate?

4. Consume so much Vodka that your bloodstream becomes more alcohol than blood. Once you’ve done this all you need to do is stab yourself and pour some of your blood into the drink.

Well now we know why. Last week, First Bus CEO Mathew Gregory admitted that the numbers displayed on their app and timetables have no basis in reality at all.

Upsides: The staff will never suspect you’re smuggling alcohol.

Downsides: Don’t do it whilst wearing white.

'We realised a few years ago that we’re too incompetent to stick to an actual timetable, so now we just ignore it- at first people didn’t like this, so we started displaying bus times, but to be fair, these numbers are about as relevant to your journey as last week’s powerball.'

3. Use a hipflask. Fairly simple. Pour the spirit of choice into the hipflask. Swallow the hipflask. Extract the hipflask once inside the venue.

Upsides: Two possible exits for the hip flask. Downsides: Not hygienic.

2. Arrange for an airdrop. The problems with this are two-fold, hiring a plane can be expensive, and creating a hole in the ceiling big enough for the parachute to go through. Solve these problems and you’re golden.

1. Go to one of the five other campus bars that serve alcohol.

Don’t be silly.

Chris Small

He continued, 'Quite quickly some of the brainiacs realised the fun we could have with this, if we ever thought someone might be in a rush, or have anything to do with their life, we would arbitrarily delay their bus indefinitely.'

We caught up with driver Mark Cooper on the subject, 'Sometimes I’ll be just around the corner from a stop, maybe at the roundabout before Heslington Hall, and I see a choice, a choice between my job, and The Charles, and The Charles wins every time.'

Upon this realisation, Mathew Gregory was summarily executed, his sadistic leadership being deemed a crime against humanity.

Harry James

5. Hide it in your lemons.

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Arthur Fleck would like The Lemon Press.

Hmm, I thought he'd look a bit more incel­y.

Students Totally Staying Positive During Strikes

The Bins Behind Nisa, York: 'A Revelation in Texture' - Restaurant Review

Reports have surfaced that another lecturer strike is planned for the latter part of this term. This time, it is likely that the strikes will span four weeks, no doubt affecting students' education, including exams and assessments. Which is completely understandable, of course. Like, other people might be annoyed, but we get it, because we’re very cool here. We ain’t slaves to the Man. We support the fight, we swear! We have no problems with it!

The Bins Behind Nisa, Heslington West, YO105DD. Small plates £0; mains £0; wines shit.

While the cause for the strikes, lecturers' concern over pay and pensions, is a very valid one which students ‘completely understand!!!’, said students have been spotted to be wearing forced grins throughout campus.

The Lemon Press approached one of these students, a third-year undergrad who is preparing for her dissertation, and we asked for her opinion on the situation. 'It’s completely fine!' she exclaimed, ‘I mean, missing the support I need at such a crucial time isn’t ideal, but hey, at least we’re getting reimbursed for it, right?’

We then informed the student that it was highly unlikely that they would receive any compensation, and her smile only grew wider, and her eyes leaked tears of joy as she assured us that she wasn’t bothered by that, because otherwise she would totally look like bourgeoisie scum.

‘Oh. That’s fine,’ she stated, ‘It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine. This is fine. Wasting £1,050 is fine. I’m fine with that. I can give away that much money. I am fine with that. It’s fine. I’m fine. Having my tutors disappear during exams is fine. My entire academic future being jeopardized with no compensation is fine. I’m fine. I would never not be fine with this. Because I agree with what the lecturers want. I honestly do. I’m not a douchebag. I fully support this. I have no problems with this. I’m fine. I support them. It’s fine. It’s good. It’s fine. I’m fine. This is fine. It’s fine!

It’s fine. This is fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.’

Details of the strike may change closer to the dates they will begin, but whether or not students will receive any compensation is still up for deba-

Entering The Bins Behind Nisa is in itself an avant-garde statement about the nature of modern dining. The exposed brick walls, so fashionable in the trendy eateries of London and Manchester, here serve the function as well as form of the dining space. I waited by the metal front gate to be seated for several minutes before choosing my own table, a quaint box with a view of the lake.

It slowly dawned on me that, in keeping with the decor, this was in fact not a full service restaurant. Instead, food is self service.

How bold! I stood from my table and browsed the selection before me.

To start, a delicately balanced string of cheese (individually clad in plastic to evoke childhood memories), paired with a bottle of Domaine de Listeriné. This was a deeply minty number with hints of methanol that graced my palette like a delightful slap on the sinuses.

I had hoped my main would consist of fine roast goose that I hear the trendy neighbourhood of Heslington West is famed for.

This was unfortunately not to be. Instead, a selection of fermented vegetable crudités was available on a ‘chop your own’ basis. The flesh of my particular cabbage came with a delightfully punchy stock, a black and bubbling affair that provided much needed tang to the soft yielding vegetables. The introduction of a furry coating to my carrot was a revelation in texture, challenging my expectations in the same vein as the great Ferran Adria or David Chang.

At this point I hoped to be offered a glimpse at the dessert menu, but unfortunately my broadly positive experience at The Bins Behind Nisa was interrupted by the staff. A man bearing the establishment’s logo came into the dining space carrying the new offerings for the restaurant’s next customers, and calmly but forcefully asked me to 'get the fuck out of here' before he alerted the authorities. I scoffed, but departed with my new furry tailed dining companion to try the dessert offerings from Plate Scrapings@Courtyard.

‘I’M FINE.’ Someone Who is Totally Fine

He'd like it on Facebook.

Aside from this abrupt end however, my experience at The Bins Behind Nisa was an overwhelmingly positive one. The chefs’ tight focus on fermented and raw offerings means this establishment has a bright future should it review the attitude of their staff. 4/5 stars.

Ben Walker

Campus

10

Voting in the Election just to feel something.

US ELECTIONS US ELECTIONS Trump Claims Credit for 'Highest Ever' Year Throughout Trump’s constant re-election campaign, he’s sought to emphasise the strength of the stock market. Americans love big numbers — the stock market, hospital bills, prisons. In Trump’s America, bigger is better.

Only now has he outlined a bold new talking point: under Trump the year is higher than it’s ever been.

Working a crowd into a frenzy, Trump

proclaimed, ‘Under my administration the year is higher than it’s ever been before. 2020 last I checked! So BIG! Some say HUGE! Obama couldn’t do it folks. Only I can keep it going.’

Fact Check: The year is the highest it’s ever been but Trump owes most of that to the strong year-on-year increase seen under Obama.

Will Rowan

EXCLUSIVE REVEAL: The Lemon Press Can Now Confirm That the Real Winner of the Iowa Caususes Was the Friends we Made Along the After days of uncertainty, failing technology, and vote recounts, The Lemon Press can confirm that the victors of the 2020 Iowa Democratic Caucuses were, in fact, the friends we made along the way – dealing a crushing blow to previous frontrunners Bernie Sanders and Pete Butterkeg. Reactions online have been varied – some praising the result, some lamenting it, and others criticising the confusion that led to a late result. On Twitter, @YANGYANGYANG called the verdict ‘A farce, seeing as winning candidates’ platform is based on love and friendship rather than Universal Basic Income’, while @TrumpBot#5562 wrote ‘I’ve been a Democrat my whole life, but if this doesn’t change I’ll be forced to vote Republican in 2020’. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton still considers herself politically relevant for some reason, and has extended her congratulations to the victors.

Following the Iowa and New Hampshire Caucuses, the campaign trail has moved to

Nevada. We asked a bystander what he felt the news meant for the Democrats going forward.

According to local senior Joe Biden, the results ‘by no means determine what happens next’.

Biden also told our reporters, ‘This certainly bodes ominously for Sanders and Buttonkiev’, and ‘you guys know I’m a candidate too, right?’

Reports from Washington, however, suggest that President Trump has already ordered a hit on the friends we made along the way, in order to eliminate any tough competition in the upcoming Presidential election. This would return Pete Battenburg and Bernie Sanders, who was last seen opening a mosh pit during The Strokes’ set at his New Hampshire rally, to the forefront of the Democratic race. Of course, our wealthy backers have reminded me to stress that we here at The Lemon Press would be remiss in our journalistic duties if we did not remind the public that Bernie Sanders is a filthy communist, an atheist, a cannibal, and a cad.

Alfie Gerzimbke

Democratic Party Strongly Considering Trying to Win the 2020 Presidential Election

News & Politics

The Iowa Democratic Party has placed the blame for their vote count fiasco squarely on the MyUoY app. The MyUoY app was used in the primary after inadequate testing and next to no consultation with end users.

Some have suggested that Pete Buttigieg partly or wholly funded the app.

Early voting results collected by the app gave the following results: Bernie Sanders: NaN Chris Small: Attended 2/2 seminars this week. Well done Chris, keep it up!

Elizabeth Warren: pointer exception

Null

Andrew Yang: MATH ERROR Amy Klobuchar: 0 Pete Buttigieg: overflow

Integer

Joe Biden: ?

The Lemon Press understands that there are high level conversations within the US Democratic Party about winning this year's presidential election. Some officials are concerned that handing the Republican party ammunition for the General Election, or refusing to help other candidates beat Trump could potentially be detrimental in an election. Others have suggested that the UK Labour party’s model of perpetual infighting might not be the greatest recipe for success because of *Vague gestures at the 2019 General Election.* Democrats are now considering the novel concept of working with each other to beat the common enemy; Bernie Sanders/ Joe Biden / Pete Buttigieg (delete depending on who you hate the most).

However some candidates may find it easier to just send each other a parcel bomb or something.

Chris Small 11

Iowa Democratic Party Blame MyUoY App

This comes at a bad time for the Democratic Party when anti-establishment figures like Small and Sanders appear resurgent. Time is of the essence to resolve these flaws as the crucial New Hampshire Primary and YUSU elections approach.

Will Rowan

Follow us on Twitter...

Build the Wall and make YUSU pensions pay for it.

US ELECTIONS US ELECTIONS Bloomberg Buys Every Ad in South Carolina for Next 50 Years Mike Bloomberg has bought up every advert on every channel in South Carolina for at least the next 50 years. This represents the largest ad buy in history. The people of South Carolina won’t be able to escape Bloomberg. Every 15 minutes, you get five minutes of Mike talking about how only he can beat Trump — long after both of them are six feet under. It’s rumoured that Bloomberg intends to buy North Carolina next week and trademark the word ‘President’ so only he can use it. This is sure to connect with the ordinary voter in a way that no-one else can.

Will Rowan

Pete Buttigieg Sings Entire Skyrim Theme Song at Rally Is there anything this man can’t do? ‘Mayor Pete’ just gave a heavenly rendition of the Skyrim theme tune in its entirety to rapturous applause at a rally in Nevada. I spoke to one smitten supporter, ‘It’s incredible, he’s so knowledgeable! Did you know he speaks 52 languages and completed Skyrim on the PS3, PS4, and Switch? He’s the opposite of Trump.’ Pete’s supporters have started calling him Dragonborn and chanting ‘Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin! Naal ok zin los vahriin.' He unveiled his new campaign slogan, ‘sweet America, sweet America, send your child unto me, for the sins of the unworthy must be baptized in blood and fear.’ This surprise turn comes at an interesting time for the campaign as Buttigieg tries to broaden his coalition from being entirely Nords.

Will Rowan

A 'Who's Who' of Democratic Presidential Candidates

In the United Kingdom’s never ending to crusade to become the 51st State of America, there’s more and more coverage of the 2020 presidential race than ever. This has led to ill-informed and baseless arguments in campus bars across York about individuals preferred democratic candidate, or even their support for the incumbent. So, allow me to throw my own ill-informed hat into the ring, and help you decide who you might have voted for, had you any stake in this election, or right to do so, and fuck it, one of you might be American, maybe?

Bernie Sanders: Most of campus is probably 'feeling the Bern', Sanders being perhaps the only white man of his generation for whom feeling doesn’t yet hold negative connotations. You’ll like him if you’re still telling your mum that supporting the SDP isn’t a phase, but once you get a house, a wife, 2.5 children, and a Volvo, you’ll probably get over it.

Pete Buttigieg: Ahh Pete, young, gay, moderate, 'America's Mayor’, and by America I mean it in the classical sense, the old America, fiscally conservative and scared of real change, but optimistic none the less. Pete is your candidate if you miss Obama but accept that Joe Biden is genuinely senile. He won't actually change or do anything, but shit might not get worse.

Elizabeth Warren: I know literally nothing about Elizabeth Warren, and I don’t trust anyone who says that they do. I can’t work out what her niche is, or where her support comes from, perhaps being left-wing but not being called Bernie Sanders qualifies you to be president in the Trumpian era- or perhaps Warren’s entire campaign and support is just an elaborate rouse.

Andrew Yang: Yang is a tech-dude, he’s straight out of the same production line as your favourite sociopathic lizard people, like

... @thelemonpress

our benevolent God-King Mark Zuckerberg. But something went wrong with Yang. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a trendy tech entrepreneur with trendy tech ideas, but he also ended up with a semblance of social awareness, maybe even electability or god forbid, empathy, the things that keep Zuckerberg up at night, but take a sigh of relief Mark, because Yang’s perplexing proposals never did penetrate an already confused America.

Joe Biden: The man who needs no introduction, apart from the one that I’m about to give him, Joe Biden is the go-to pick if you have only a passing interest in an election you can’t actually vote in. He was supposed to be the natural front runner but perhaps being repeatedly ‘a bit weird’ around children and sucking his wife’s finger on stage at a rally has somewhat taken the momentum out of his supposedly inevitable candidacy. Now Joe just seems like a fossil of a man who’s occasionally wheeled out in front of the equally decrepit to shakily mutter the word 'Obama' before he’s allowed to have his soup and watch Countdown.

Harry James

Pete Buttigieg Facts

He can speak 27 languages including parseltongue, VB.Net, and Christianity. He has never worked for the FBI. I can neither confirm nor deny whether he has worked for the CIA. Pete won Best Picture at the Oscars, beating Bernie Sanders. He has managed to build a diverse coalition of voters: diverse in thought, ideas, and more thoughts. He’s part of a new generation but very familiar. He’s more of a mid-generation refresh, just like a PS4 Pro. He was definitely a prefect but missed out on becoming head boy in a true travesty for democracy. He’s a childlike thinker, an adult tinkerer, an easygoing hard-worker, a brand new old way of doing something new.

Will Rowan

News & Politics

12

Outrage as Prince Harry dresses as Hockey Society member.

Prince Harry Finally Moves Out of his Grandmother's House at Age 35.

It is official: Prince Harry has left the Big Grandmother House. In a classic move of, ‘But Daddy I love him!’ perfected by fellow red headed royal Ariel, Harry has stormed out with his wife, Meghan Markle, yelling how, ‘It’s not a phase, grandMOM.’ While the country has been split in their opinion of these events, we at The Lemon Press expected the Royals to be broken hearted. We obviously weren’t able to get an interview with the Queen, but we did manage to sneak some hidden microphones into Buckingham Palace. And what we heard was shocking: The Queen is glad he’s finally moved out.

‘It’s about bloody time,’ the recordings present her stating, ‘He’d better get off his lazy arse and get himself a job. I ain’t paying for him.’

Johnson Unveils YoYo Points Based Immigration System Forget Australia, what Britain needs is a YoYo points-based immigration system. If you have enough YoYo points then you’re allowed to migrate to the UK and may even get a free drink on the side. Johnson’s preference for an arbitrary points system instead of an arbitrary immigration cap is just one example of the high-dimensional thinking of the Cummings regime. Here is the proposed arbitrary points system in full: 1,000 points - A single Brexit 50p. That’s what you get.

2,000 points - You receive one of those free toys from a seaside arcade. I never understood the mind-bending psychology behind a person accumulating 30,000 tickets to buy a water pistol.

Surely the sheer mass of the tickets would make them reevaluate their decisions? That’s not a problem with YoYo points, not at all.

5,000 points - Congratulations, you’re free to work a minimum wage job on a temporary visa until you’re no longer allowed to because you don’t make enough money in your full-time minimum wage job. Welcome to the UK. 50,000 points - Hire out the entirety of the UK for a birthday party. The whole place is yours to do with as you wish for one night. It’s like The Purge except it’s set in the UK, crimes are still illegal, and it’s your birthday.

350,000 points - Free fish and chips for life, a copy of Dunkirk on Blu Ray, and the worst biography of Churchill on the market. You get a tier 1 visa too.

500,000 points - Big Ben will bong just for you. That’s assuming they accept your YoYo points.

1,000,000 points - You are granted permanent settled status in the UK and ever other award listed so far.

10,000,000 points - The ability to supply updated 5G infrastructure for the UK despite being designated as a ‘high risk’ vendor. That’s what a lot of YoYo points gets you these days.

Will Rowan

In-person interviews with other royals oddly seem to present the same opinion.

Prince Charles has stated that, ‘It’s nice that he finally got himself a girlfriend, and we can finally turn his room into the at-home gym we always wanted!’

The Royals seem to have given the runaway couple their blessing, and renovations on the palace have begun, with Harry’s walk-in wardrobe being converted into a sauna.

Lucy Finnighan

13

News & Politics

HS2 Contract Awarded to First Bus After boastfully announcing that HS2 is not in fact dead, simultaneously pledging his pocket money to the project, Prime Minister Boris Johnson announces the government had chosen their partner for the future rail line.

Based on both their punctuality and the charisma of their drivers, the first bus company was awarded the contract for HS2.

The company has pledged to provide one train every (x) minutes, arriving at genuinely indeterminate times across the midlands, as well as staff that with their trademark First Bus charm, reminding you through their miserable eyes as you waddle on to the bus after a few too many blue shits that life is meaningless.

In response to the news, passengers across the UK have wondered in unison how the company continues to persist, let alone grows.

Harry James

We put up a Brexit video.

Coming soon to TLP: Poor grammar.

Ways to Avoid the WW3 Draft

So, WW3 is on the horizon, and you, like many others, may not be too keen on being drafted to go and be blown up by a nuclear bomb. Understandable. But not to worry, The Lemon Press has all the tips and tricks you’ll need to avoid the draft!

1. Be Gay, do Crime.

We all know that the army is fond of violence and murder against innocent people. But if there’s one thing they can’t stand, it’s committing sin. While being gay hasn’t been a crime in decades, many in the Army still feel like it is. So go and have sex with someone of the same gender, and you’ll avoid being drafted. Two birds, one stone!

2. Be an Angry Mother on Facebook.

You probably have a Facebook account, so go and put it to good use! Put on lots of posts about how complaining about WW3 makes you a ‘Snowflake’, and how ‘My SON is in the arMy, so all these SJW’s whining about the draft can SHuT IT! FIGHT on!’

Make sure to randomly capitalise words to make it authentic Facebook Mother dialect. This way, you’ll be doing your bit for your country from the comfort of your own home, so the army won’t need to draft you!

Watch it on our Facebook page.

3. Make a Charity Song About the Fighting Once again, you’ll be so busy spreading the message of how great war is, you won’t have time to actually fight in it! Make a song that soldiers will scream along to as they dance to their inevitable deaths, and sit back with all the cash you’ve made off of it. Just put a lot of references to ‘Respect the troops’, ‘Rule Britannia’, and ‘We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.’ Yeah, this isn’t America, but at this point, who can even tell the difference?

4. Say How Much You Love Being a Housewife Remember all those years of fighting for women’s ability to work outside of the home? Fuck that! Tell everyone how a woman belongs in the kitchen, not the battlefield, and how you want nothing more than to cook pies and clean for your man. Hell, even if you don’t identify as a woman, you can still give it a try!

If the people trying to draft you are so backwards that they don’t think a man can be the homemaker, they’ll probably think that you’re gay, and voila! You’re following tip number one!

So there you go! You’ll be avoiding the draft in no time! And if none of these tips work, at least you tried. Just take comfort in the fact that it probably won’t matter; since nuclear war is on the horizon, we’re all going to die whether we get drafted or not.

Lucy Finnighan

News & Politics

14

Unlock this header by buying The Lemon Press +. Only £6.99 a month.

Labour Leadership Election Candidates Guide

Workington Man It is a well known fact that the only constituency that mattered in the 2019 General Election was Workington, if Labour won it they would now be in power and you wouldn’t be paying any tuition fees. But they didn’t so there. Who better to bring Labour back to power than Workington Man, who even has ample media experience from the deluge of political correspondents sent to interview him during the general election.

Jim Fudge Jim Fudge is considered an underdog in the Labour Leadership race, and a win by him would clearly be an upset against some very tall odds. He would have to get used to the fact that Labour is currently out of office and lacks the real power of a YUSU activities officer.

Barry Gardiner Look, I know he declined to run due to a so-called ‘lack of support’ but if an underqualified white man who says whatever is politically convenient can’t lead the Labour party, what else can they do. The pro Iraq war, pro BJP part of the Labour membership are set to remain unrepresented yet again.

Millie Beach We don’t know yet if YUSU election success can be translated into success with the Labour membership, but the 2016-2017 YUSU president certainly hopes to do so. Just don’t count on her getting the JLM endorsement.

Chris Small

Lord Lucan There has been a lot of talk about Labour moving on from Brexit Wigan and the referendum, and who would be better to lead the Labour Never before has an entire town run for the Labour Leadership, party than someone who fled the country before the first but this is clearly the year to do it. So far Wigan has declined to referendum in 1975. Some might say the fact that he is take part in the normal methods of campaigning and thus far and responsible for killing someone is an issue, but that didn’t stop is solely relying on a George Orwell book published in 1937.

Tony Blair winning the 2005 general election

Revealed: The Script for the Next Kevin Spacey Video The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal the script for the next YouTube video by famous actor and accused paedophile [great legal dodge - Ed.] Kevin Spacey. The video titled 'If I did it? But really, what if?' is the third in a series following 'let me be Frank', which has been described as 'unsettling' and 'alarming', and KTMK, in which he asks his audience to kill people with kindness. The latter was posted a day before one of his accusers took their own life.

The video starts with a slow pan over to Spacey, seen cutting and slashing at an unknown object obscured in his kitchen. He is wearing a tight polo shirt and shorts, with a butchers apron covered in blood, and holding two exceptionally and needlessly large meat cleavers.

Members of The Lemon Press have shared their disgust and horror at the video.

'It's disgusting' said one.

'Absolutely horrible' said another.

This information was passed to The Lemon Press in secret by an anonymous source. They wish to remain anonymous due to their close proximity to Mr. Spacey, so he can only be referred to as Hack Jarvey.

Harry Clay

'Oh... so you're back' he gurgles in his thick non-Texas but somewhere-southern dulcet tones.

'You don't really think I could hack apart this poor, lost, child do you? I mean, you never actually saw him caught by my production crew. You weren't there when they bundled him away and threw him on my brand new marble adjustable height kitchen work surface, did you? This could just be a slab of deer or any other inconspicuous meat.'

Spacey then proceeds to carry on hacking and slashing at the meat with his enormous utensils.

15

News & Politics

Join The Lemon Press.

YUSU? No, babe, it's WE­SU x

We're surpisingly welcoming.

News & Politics

16

Lord Lucan reads TLP.

Rattus Rattus Implicated in Sex Scandal

'The N in SNP stands for Nonce'

Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile, beloved BBC stars, both icons and idols for generations of British youths, yet also deranged and morally repugnant paedophiles. The public outings of their crimes sent shockwaves through British society in the early 2010's, yet this outrage has been dwarfed by that now aimed at ex Horrible Histories star Rattus Rattus.

The revelation that Scottish finance minister Dereck Mackay had been grooming a 16 year old boy came as a shock to many. Those it did not shock however was the rest of the SNP’s inner party who announced on Sunday that pedophilia had always been core to their identity.

The rat (43) allegedly assaulted hundreds of young boys who appeared on the companion game show Horrible Histories: Gory Games in what was apparently a well kept industry secret that persisted for years. Co-star kings Charles II and George IV responded to criticism by citing their continual pushes for Rattus to attend therapy.

The tarnished TV great was later detained at Heathrow airport with a one way ticket to Argentina and now awaits a lengthy trial while the nation comes to terms with this revelation.

Harry James

Charlie Kirk Directs Ebony Porn, Somehow Makes It More Racist In a surprising turn of events, Turning Point Founder Charlie Kirk has released a pornographic video depicting Kirk himself having sex with a black man.

The right-wing pundit posted the video titled 'BBC dommed by White Man with Normal Sized Face' on www.TPUSA.com on Wednesday night, after tweeting '1 hour till i own the libs' on Wednesday afternoon.

The video stars Kirk himself, where he starts having sex with another man, who did not wish to be named after learning who Charlie Kirk actually was.

The main controversy of Mr Kirk's video comes from the casting of the eponymous 'BBC'. Kirk appears to have cast a white man to portray a black man in the 34 minute long film. When asked to comment on this issue of whitewashing, Kirk said 'look, in 2020 all these big Hollywood companies cast people of colour for the sake of diversity. I just chose the best guy for the role, who just so happened to be a white man. The liberal media are reading way too much into this, and when Trump gets his second term, you guys are gonna get hurt'.

Perkin Amalaraj

'The whole nationalism thing was fun but we really want to go back to our roots,' said Nicola Sturgeon last week, 'We’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I suppose Dereck forced our hand, if you look at our 2019 campaign, we did spend a lot of time in schools' she continued.

With a triumphant smile on her face, Sturgeon officially rebranded her political movement 'The Scottish Nonce Party'.

Harry James

Shine Off Bald White Man's Head Found To Be The Brightest Thing in the Universe Scientists at NASA have determined that the brightest thing in the universe is in fact the shine that comes off the heads of bald white men. The team at NASA started the experiment 3 years ago, where as a joke, they tested how bright a bald white man’s head could really get. To their dismay, they couldn’t find anything that shone brighter after 3 years of searching. 'We’ve honestly scoured the entire observable universe. We analysed the light coming from all of the biggest stars that we know exist, and nothing compared. It’s honestly kind of heartbreaking to know that 3 years of my life has culminated into this. I have a PhD from fucking Stanford, for God’s sake', said one scientist who wished to be unnamed out of embarrassment.

Professor Jack Harvey, head of the project told The Lemon Press 'It’s honestly astounding how shiny their fucking heads are.

What’s really interesting is that their heads get even shinier when they have three pints of lager. Their blood vessels somehow emit light once they’ve had a few tinnies. They double their luminescence for every pint and a half of lager they consume. And if you feed them day old pork scratchings, they somehow triple the luminescence. I hate my job, ive been working at NASA for 14 years and this is the thing I’m going to be known for.'

Perkin Amalaraj

DO- Not catch it.

DON’T- Catch it.

Greg Waddell

17

News & Politics

You're reading The Lemon Press.

Corona Virus elected as next YUSU President

CORONAVIRUS ACTUALLY NOT AS BAD AS OTHER EPIDEMIC The recent outbreak of Coronavirus across China has sparked fear for many, and the reports of cases in York have brought the disease to the doorstep of us here at home. The disease, with an as yet unconfirmed lethality lower than just regular ass normal flu, however is not the greatest threat to us right now.

The insidious chud spectre of racism and prejudice has raised its bongoloid head, with extremely well informed and intelligent individuals making petulantly sponge-brained remarks at and about anyone of asian descent with all the gorm of David Cameron's bodyguard leaving his handgun on the plane shitter.

This however, isn't the greatest threat.

I don't even go here, I haven't paid membership to The Lemon Press in approx three years, and yet, AND YET, I haven't been removed from their Writer's Room. TLP has, for years now, ignored the guidelines set down by previous, more competent committees, and I continually get notifications asking me about socials or lay-up or some other absolute trash that I don't care about.

If you are reading this in the printed magazine then the people who made it possible for you to hold this issue in your hands are beyond redemption, and frankly you should be furious.

Citizens worldwide cannot move for the sheer volume of absolutely inane attempts at humour from every armchair standup and psuedo-satirist, the air thick and rancid with recycled gags and takes that were birthed on twitter literally seconds after the first sip of bat soup was taken in Wuhan before being continually rammed back into circulation like an ouroboros of shit, the wit drained out every cycle like nutrients in the lower intestine. This however, is not the worst thing to fear right now. The worst threat to your safety is The Lemon Press.

Set fire to this rag, and throw it at the next TLP member you can find. Kick them in their stupid ass ribcage. The plague of laxness among the TLP management should shock you into violence.

They fail to run this mag right, leaving alumni to fester in their zuccbook prison, whilst some of them go off and run former nudespaper York Vision. YORK VISION. The absolute gall of these smoothbrain peons is unbelievable.

Trump Orders Destruction of 52 Iranian Cultural Sites to Stop Persia's Impending Cultural Victory

HS2 to Only Pass Through the Houses of Jamaican Nationals

Amid rising global tensions, US president Donald Trump has ordered aerial strikes against a number of Iran’s most beloved cultural spots, in what was described in a White House press release as ‘a last-ditch attempt to reduce Persia’s tourism output’. The Lemon Press approached a key US diplomat for comment, who wished to remain anonymous.

TLP: What caused the US to take such aggressive military action towards centres of Iranian culture?

US: Well, we’d previously been angling for a Diplomatic Victory, but with the international community’s rejection of our decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Agreement and the Iran Nuclear Deal, it’s looking more and more like the US won’t be able to garner the 20 votes it needs from the World Congress.

TLP: Why specifically target centres of cultural significance?

US: You have to remember Persia’s massive early-game success.

Sure, their territory’s gone, but all the Great Writer points they built up let them snag some brilliant Great Works. You know, like Shahnameh.

TLP: Shahnameh?

US: You know, the Book of Kings? The Persian national epic?

God, millennials.

It’s not clear what’s next for Washington. International analysts have suggested that the US may also be eyeing up a domination victory. All that remains is to nuke India before they nuke us.

Alfie Gerzimbke

Good job!

End this epidemic now.

Pasky Miranda

New plans exclusively revealed to The Lemon Press indicate that the new High Speed 2 railway system will ONLY go through the property of Jamaican Nationals. The Conservative government plans on working with local councils in order to identify whether or not a household is owned or occupied by anyone with a Jamaican passport. Councils will be tasked with knocking on doors with a colour chart, and writing down the addresses of anyone who 'looks like them', according to one Conservative MP. The councils will then pass these addresses to the government, who plan on ploughing through the given addresses whether the people inside have been vacated or not.

It is unclear what the government plan on doing about the displaced people, though an anonymous source in Whitehall said 'eh, who gives a shit really, am I right fellers'.

Priti Patel, the UK’s Home Secretary refused to comment on the matter, instead choosing to send The Lemon Press a video of her twiddling a fake moustache.

Perkin Amalaraj

The government has said the project is 'on track'.

News & Politics

18

All this satire and no ammonia.

How to Sort Your Life Out: Top 10 Tips on Fixing Your Worthless Miserable Existence

Lil Nas X and Billy Porter in a Cowboy Fashion Face-Off: Who Wore it Better, and Who Will Make it Out Alive?

Congratulations! You, in your vast wisdom and eternal curiosity, have picked up a copy of this satire magazine exclusively stocked at one university on this one planet in your one and only life and have turned to this exact page at just the right time. For I, some guy who does not and cannot know a single meaningful thing about you, am about to tell you how to live a better and more fulfilled life. No, seriously.

1. Clean your room. Were you not doing this before?

2. Brush your teeth. I mean, come on.

Surely this was something you were doing.

Did you need me to tell you?

3. Stop pissing in the sink and use the toilet just like everyone else. Fucking hell man, what?!

The up-and-coming rapper Lil Nas X faces off against seasoned musician and actor Billy Porter, in jaw-dropping Western looks. It's like Brokeback Mountain, but make it fashion.

Niall McGenity

4. Understand that people whose job it is to write lifestyle articles do not care and have no incentive to offer you any form of useful actionable advice beyond funding and furthering their own goals and ambitions of fame and fortune. This is pretty self-evident.

5. Look both ways before you cross the road. I am surprised you have made it this far.

6. Stop reading this article.

7. Seriously, buddy, you need to stop pissing in the kitchen sink. It's genuinely becoming an actual concern, it was funny when you did it during the party and everyone was joking about how long the queue for the bathroom was and you were like, 'Oh hey guess I'll just go in the sink,' and you did but it's not a joke anymore it's just something that you seem to do out of habit and I can't think of any other way to stop you.

8. Consider the fact that celebrities who you admire and look up to who talk of their humble beginnings were already leagues above where you are now when they were born, and that their version of humility is actually your version of rich and successful. Benedict Cumberbatch will never hang out with you, forget about it.

9. Wash yourself. Preferably in private.

10. Stop shitting in the washing machine after pissing in the kitchen sink. Oh Jesus Christ.

So it's that simple really. Follow those tip to become a more successful fulfilled put-together human being. Or don't. Because it's more than likely that by following tips online to try and become better, you may find yourself actually collapsing into a spiral of selfloathing and criticism far beyond what can be considered healthy and normal. Maybe I am not a put together and successful and fulfilled person, and maybe my life is miserable and worthless and not in any way shape or form sorted out, so what good is my advice then? I'm no expert, there's no such thing as a life expert. Just go out there and do the best you can and I don't know eat some pomegranate, they say that's a superfood right?

Gregory Waddell 19

Lifestyle

thelemonpress.co.uk

It's okay, we'll be your Valentine.

Yaaas Girl: How to Celebrate Valentine's Day Like the Single Queen That You Are No man? No worries! Read The Lemon Press' tips on how to slay Valentine's Day like the absolute queen that you are!

Crank that Lizzo!

Listen to Lizzo, the queen of self-love while you wonder why you’re the only one of your friends not to have a boyfriend! Baby how you feeling? Feeling good as hel- oh who are you kidding?

You're miserable.

Univerity of York Unveils New Branded Merch After the success of the UoY-branded sliders, a style that found its way onto the feet of many a celebrity at the Oscars this month, York has decided to take its designer brand even further.

The line won't be officially revealed until NYFW, however here is a sneak peak at the newest plans for the UoY couture line:

Yas Queen, Self-Care!

Do a cute face mask or make yourself a cute snack! Give yourself some love and some TLC, girl! Take care of yourself! Because nobody else will.

Celebrate with the Gals!

What could be cuter than having a Galentine's Day brunch? Not constantly worrying about dying alone. But also you're kind of craving waffles, aren't you? Well, you are now!

These new red pumps are perfect for a night on the town. Rep that uni pride while looking hot! It's perfect for sports nights, or to remind those creepy old men in Flares that you're still rather young, so it'll get them to leave you alone. Haha, just kidding, no it won't. If anything, that'll just encourage them.

Wear Cute Underwear!

Treat yourself to some adorable lingerie just for you. No, literally, just for you. Nobody else will know or care.

Watch Drag Race!

It's like Mama Ru always says, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Plus Pearl out of drag, damn.

Drink Prosecco Alone!

Treat yourself! Sit in your room and drink alone! It’s not alcoholism, it's self love! ~ Love Yourself! ~ Craving human contact? Of course you are, the last time you were touched was at airport security two years ago. Grab a cute lil vibe and give yourself a Valentine's to remember!

Pull at Salvo's!

When all else fails, try tequila and pulling at Salvo's. You'll definitely hate yourself the next day but hey, at least you’re not spending Valentine's Day alone. That'd be sad.

Ashvini Rae

The newest idea for the line, in light of recent events, is the branded sugical mask. Keep those pesky germs away while looking fab, and they're great if you're self conscious about your nose! At a Preview Party, the designer of the couture line, who is also an admin of Yorfess, stated excitedly, 'We're so excited for you guys to try this out! They come in many different patterns, polka dots, stripes, and even an oriental desig-' We have just been informed that the Couture Line has been cancelled.

TLP Fashion Watch

FOR SALE: BABY SHOES, NEVER WORN The baby's a fucking coward and refuses to wear Crocs.

Fashion is about risk, you basic bastard!

Lucy Finnighan

It's the place to be.

Lifestyle

20

Rat problem? Diall 0800­Pete­4­Pres

How Mattresses COULD Solve World Hunger

Love Island Moves to Love Planet

With new smart materials being created every year, it’s hard to imagine what the future might be. And with the rise of the clean food movement, there are so many alternatives to cheap meat on the market.

Love Island is back, and it’s hotter than ever! That’s because we’ve moved to Venus, where the sun will help the girls get a screaming fiery golden tan... and maybe a little more! Hubba Hubba!

But what if I told you, there’s an abundant, untapped food resource that almost everyone has in their house. Very few people know about this superfood, but we at The Lemon Press have decided that it’s time for the public to finally know this beautiful secret.

After the islands sunk into the ocean-I mean, the islands got too boring, we had ten hotties fly their way into the galaxy, to put stars in their eyes and love in their hearts!

That’s right, it’s your fucking mattress.

This tasty snack is a cheap, belly filling meal for all the family. It can be used for any meal of the day, and it’s got great nutritional value. Anyone can take a bite out of their fucking mattress. It’s easy! Here’s a step by step guide to eating your mattress: Step 1) Locate your nearest mattress. If you cant find them organic, store-bought should do fine in just a pinch.

Step 2) Cut out a good size meal for you and your family. A single mattress can easily last for a month if you really try!

Step 3) Take a nibble! This meal doesn’t require any silverware to eat. It’s just like a calzone!

Mattresses are full of fibre, iron, and feathers, so don’t worry if you’re a health-conscious parent, there's something for all the family with a mattress.

Perkin Amalaraj

Apple Not Allowed Weekly Pocket Money Because They Were a Naughty Boy.

Apple has reportedly been fined £21 Million after a French watchdog stated that iPhone owners 'were not informed that installing iOS updates 10.2.1 and 11.2 could slow down their devices.' CEO Tim Cook is clearly devastated, as 'I wanted that money for the weekend, now I can only really go out on Saturday with my friends and not Sunday as well, it's not fair!' He then stomped his foot a few times while wearing his new iShoes.

While the fine may have financially set Apple back for a few minutes, they'll still continue to make money. As we will never stop buying their products. We will complain for a bit, but then life will go on as normal. Not that that's a problem. Complaining is The Lemon Press' niche. So hey, Apple may one day plant microchips in our brain and turn us into cybermen, but at least they're not Samsung. iLucy

21

Science and Tech

With the latest episode, we find Samantha hoping to get close to some sulfuric cloud creature, and who can blame her? The passion came alive as they talked on the beach chairs, and they even shared a little kiss. Samantha’s face may have melted away, but their romance is still the season’s frontrunner!

Tune in next week to watch the planeteers discuss social media rumours, pick their partners, and fight off an asteroid shower!

Stay loved up, and ignore what’s happening outside your window on Earth! It’s not real! Only Love Planet is! That is why we’ll be showing it on every channel, every season, every day, every hour, forever! You can’t stop us! We’re all that will be left of your world! So keep watching! You don’t have a choice!

The Passion!

The Romance!

Lucy Finnighan

Brand New Alarm Clock Revealed!

After years and years of research, scientists have finally found a solution to getting up on a morning, that even lazy morninghaters cannot ignore: The All-New Alarm Clock Gun! Now you can fight those sleepy eyes by the bang of a weapon, as Scientists will break into your home and shoot at you until you get out of bed. What an invention!

While this invention is new, it's already had a massive effect, with both productivity and deaths on the rise! There have only been positive reviews for the Alarm Clock Gun. For example, Area Man, 50, stated, 'It really helped me get up, I pissed the bed in fear but I still managed to get to work on time!'

Karen, a mother that we met in Tesco, said, 'It really helps when you have lazy teenagers. I had two sons that I had to drag out of bed every morning. Now, I only have one!'

So buy yourself the All-New Alarm Clock Gun to help you deal with those pesky mornings, and remember: If you die in the dream, you really do die in real life!

Lucy Finnighan

Every post you share...

Barely anything rhymes with Rowan, believe me.

Iran Retaliate by Funding New Ouya

The Gamer Candidate: Vol. II

Iran have unleashed an unprecedented retaliation on the USA for the killing of Solemani by funding a next-gen Ouya. The hope is to cripple the west by releasing such appalling games that a whole generation is doomed. If the American Dream didn't die in the 60's and 70's, an Ouya 2 will finish it off.

It's been a long time since I last asked which of the US Presidential candidates will stand up for the interests of Gamers.

The race has fundamentally changed as many fellow Gamers disconnected or were booted for too much lag during their campaign. First, we must pay our respects.

A leaked lineup reveals horrors such as Angry Birds HD, Tiny Wings 2, and Cooking Mama: Reheated and Reloaded. It will come bundled with a VR headset which makes Nintendo Labo look high-tech. They've found something cheaper than cardboard and the headset's lenses are just recycled contact lenses from Specsavers.

We said goodbye to Kamala Harris, a candidate who bravely challenged Biden for being anti-Fortnite bussing. Kamala was on our side. We lost Beto O'Rourke who I can't recall making a particular stand for Gamers but we can all relate to what failing to meet expectations feels like. He has our sympathy.

Cyberpunk 2077 Delayed to 2077 It's official. CD Project Red's latest game, Cybperunk 2077, has been delayed to 2077. This has followed months of internal negotiations of the future of the project — specifically discussions of whether having it run at 10 frames a minute on Xbox One is acceptable. The decision was unanimous: They should just wait until 2077 when we all live in a Cyberpunk dystopia.

Fans of the game are unsurprisingly disappointed but have found some solace. If the game never releases, they'll never have to create that YouTube 'Downgrade' video.

...16makes us stronger.

Andrew Yang was a gaming hero. He was the kind of late-game play that wins so many Multiplayer Online Battle Arenas. Yang offered us $1,000 per to do with as we please. No questions asked, no lecture about how we need to leave our room and that '21 year olds don't need pocket money' given. Yang probably posted on ResetEra and told developers that their games suck on a private Twitter account. He was the best of us and now he's gone like so many tears in the rain. Shame.

Where does that leave us? I'll tell you. It leaves us with the likes of Bloomberg. Bloomberg is the most anti-Gamer candidate this side of Venus. He's entirely pay-to-win and makes no qualms about it. He's spamming the chat on Discord with memes from the days of Genghis Khan and Cleopatra. He should be allowed nowhere near Xbox Live or the White House.

We must turn to the current frontrunner. Sanders has promised to take on the Gaming Establishment and allow generic copies of drugs such as Duke Nukem's steriods. Universal Xbox Live Gold would remove the worry of going bankrupt to pay for what is an undisputed human right. With Sanders as the likely Democratic nominee, he will have to face up against Trump.

The Gamer argument against Trump is clear: he wants to build arbitrary paywalls to lock fellow Gamers out. He wants to separate whole player bases through 'Travel Bans'. This is what he has been trying to achieve. Gamers, we must defeat him.

Feature

22

He shall rise once again.

A Message from Your President in Exile

I write to you ready to return from my year in exile, but this time I will not be standing for some bourgeoisie sham election, this time I will not let the DNC rig the YUSU elections again. So I write this on the eve of my triumphant return, that I am calling for an armed revolution. I am calling for the construction of hastily constructed barricades, and for the people of this University to take up arms (bring your own).

For far too long York has been repressed, since the evil Lancrastrians cheated and won the Battle of Bosworth Field.

YUSU has clearly been a deep state tool of the Lancastrians and I say now is the time for the Yorkist Spring. And how do I know all of this? I’ve seen totally legitimate leaked files that I’m not going to share with you lot. Anyway it’s about time for a rematch for the Battle of Bosworth Field, and 22 acres is as good a place as any to hold.

We have seen critical infrastructure, such as the Courtyard chip fryer, failing already this year. This shows that the ageing dilapidated state is vulnerable to a combined group of student revolutionaries. The Courtyard chip fryer merely represents the first gap in this totalitarian regime, and we will ruthlessly exploit this weakness.

TRENDING: THE RADICAL LEFT KILLED MY CAT AND ALL MY OTHER PETS THE LEFT CAN'T MEME AND THIS RAMBLING NONSENSE PROVES IT Wake up people! Have you been on Twitter recently? Have you seen what radical leftists are saying about our President? It's just not right. They keep telling me they're living rent-free in my head but that can't be true. I live alone and I never have guests.

Forget about them, let's celebrate our recent victories. We're winning the culture war. Joaquin Phoenx won Best Actor at the Oscars. I didn't watch his acceptance speech and know nothing about him but he probably talked about how this is a victory for Trump and vindicated all of our talking points since 2016.

On the topic of Joker, what are your thoughts on Arthur Fleck being Donald Trump Jr.'s VP in 2024?

23

Feature

Some of you may be asking ‘will you fix YUSU democracy?’ and the answer to that is of course not. Once I have taken supreme executive power, it will not be distributed away from me, which is not at all concerning because I’m always right.

Under the new regime, succession will be decided by who is gifted the Sword of the Heslington West Lake, which will guarantee strong rulers because they will have to be healthy enough to survive whatever illness the lake gives them. My rulership will be unquestionable, with my judgement also being fair and correct, showing that there would be no reason to disagree (btw once the revolution starts there’ll be a google form if you want to sign up to be part of the secret police).

And finally, to paraphrase the Declaration of Independence which I stole yesterday: 'When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the house rule is to have a pool of cash based at the Free Parking space placed in the center of the board. A player who lands on Free Parking collects the cash, and the pool is restarted.

The pool may be built in several different ways, for example...’

POPULAR: WHY HAVE ALL MY FRIENDS LEFT ME? THERE IS A CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME MAKING A MEANINGFUL CONNECTION WITH ANY HUMAN Karen, why won't you reply to my messages? It's been three years and I still message ten times before lunch. Even though we only met once and you called an ambulance because you thought my profuse sweating was due to a nut allergy, my love is still strong for you. Whenever I close my eyes, I see the Instagram photos I screenshotted before you went private. The radical left caused all my friends to block me on Twitter and no-one followed me over to Gab. They're conspiring against us Karen, it's us versus the world. Well, I'm against the police for the moment. They've hooked me up with one of those nifty ankle tags. I hope you got the replica I had made for you in the mail. It's so we're always connected. Stay strong, sweetheart. We can win this.

Join The Lemon Press.

Why do your essays, when you could be reading this?

An Esteemed Message, from Your Not so Esteemed Leader - Viscount Clay Why hello, do come in. Fancy a drink? Cigar? Bite to eat?

What? No, I'm not feeling my normal, combative self.

Well, I know the great success of this paper has been entirely down to my exuberant authorings and tales of daring-do, and I suppose it has inspired the other writers, but it's all coming to an end.

make you sick to the teeth.

For a year now I have been writing my regular comments on the world and stories of my life, and you know what? It feels remarkably like I've been doing it for a whole lot longer. Somehow I can tell that my pen has authored even more words, even though they might not have been in my name.

When I was a young lad, I often looked up to the smog filled sky, wondering what lurked behind the putrid fumes. Now, us being enlightened students of science know that in reality, nothing It's always been a key part of The Lemon Press to is there. The stars are painted on in similar have its esteemed proprietor voice their thoughts places each night by an intricate series of well to the world, but somehow, some way, it's become a paid artists. But before this knowledge was passed key part of me. I've needed this platform to vent my to me, my mind was awash with dreams about anger and disgust at the wide range of utter humanity's ability to shitpost into the sky. How far incompetence that's put before me on a day to day basis, could one’s thoughts be projected onto this globe. and I'm not quite sure what I'll do without it.

Depicted by Holly Palmer Well only know do we realise the consequences of someone daring to dream. By breaking the bounds of natural, mouth-tomouth communication have we allowed our planet to coat itself in rotten ‘content’. Everywhere you look, someone is ‘creating’ something with words and language, but what good does it do?

Sod all.

And indeed I am a rich proponent of this communication model.

Nobody stops what shite I pull out of my arse, some people even LIKE it! Could you imagine that? Liking nonsensical scribbles by a man you don’t know who’s functionally illiterate describing stories that don’t make sense and in some instances, really do

Obviously I do know, I've already got the planning permission for a new workhouse established, purely for the purpose of publishing my words and work, but it won't be the same. So then, what is left to be said to you directly?

Not a whole lot really. Make sure to wash your hands, err, you probably should brush your teeth more, and orange juice, I cannot stress the importance of orange juice in your diet enough, it does wonders for the scurvy risks. Other than that?

Goodbye. And fuck off!

HH G A

S PIS The 5 Best Places to Cry on Campus

1. The Harry Fairhurst Building Open 24/7, this study space makes an ideal environment to give in to your mounting stress. By day, your stifled sobs contribute to the Studious Buzz™. By night, there will be hardly anyone there to notice, and those that do will just look at you at think “mood”.

2. By The Lake Dotted around campus are some very quaint lakeside benches which make great places to sit and think about how all your exes are much happier now. You can also feed the geese with your tears which are known to feast on suffering.

3. Central Hall Wish your problems would just go away? Cry near Central Hall and hope that the mothership might just beam you up and you

It's much cheaper than Xbox Live.

can escape that summative assignment that’s due tomorrow morning.

4. Your Study Bedroom If you’re living on campus you’re lucky enough to have your own personal crying room within walking distance of your timetabled fixtures. All bedrooms include a bed to hide in, wifi access for looking at memes about depression, and a mirror so you can look into your eyes as your life falls apart.

5. Open Door A team of mental health practitioners are here to help any registered student. So if you want to fill out a form and receive some vaguely supportive waffle in two weeks time, look no further.

Beth Hubbard

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This page would make a good joint.

O CO

W Wo 8 Ways To Dick a Chilly's Bottle Down!

You Won't Believe Number 4!

Chilly’s bottles have taken the world by storm. But, as with all vaguely conical objects, the eternal question remains - what’s the most satisfying way to jam your cock into it? Don’t worry we’ve got you covered!

1. D.I.Y. Dicking Low on funds? Our first technique is keeps the cost down and the pleasure high. Simply grab a kitchen sponge - clean if possible - and jam it down the neck of your Chilly’s bottle, and go to town. Bonus points for cleaning convenience: you already have the sponge! Just give it a quick wipe and hey presto - it’s back to a water bottle!

2. The Deep Freeze Chilly’s bottles are famous for keeping you water cold for hours upon hours. So why not make the most of the insulation? Shove your todger in the freezer for a few minutes before you start the festivities, and thanks to the patented Chilly’s design, it’ll stay numb forever!

L CO

D

3. Mannequin Want something to fantasise about while your sweaty shaft slaps the steel water bottle between your legs? Just get your hands on a mannequin! Check eBay, or sneak out of Primark with one shoved down your pants, and then just affix it to the groin area.

Then you can stare into another pair of lifeless eyes as you dick down your Chilly’s bottle - and pretend you’re not alone!

4. Sandpaper Want to get a bit grittier? No worries! Just pop down to your local hardware store and get a ream or two of sandpaper, and line the walls of your bottle with it. Just make sure you rinse well afterwards - you don’t want blood in your water bottle!

T HO

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L

5. Bubble Bath We’ve had cold, now let’s go hot! Fill up your Chilly’s bottle with boiling water, and, if you’re feeling it, get some bubble bath in there too. It never hurts to keep clean! As long as you keep an airtight seal between the lip of the bottle and your groin, you’re guaranteed 12 hours of scalding fun!

CK FU

6. Blunt Force Trauma Time for some CBT - and I don’t mean Cognitive Behaviour Therapy! Your Chilly’s bottle is made of high-grade stainless steel, and it’s shape makes it a great club. For something a little different, why not swing the bottle at your groin repeatedly? Keep going until it’s a bloody mess down there - you deserve to feel pain, you peverted piece of shit.

7. Romantic Night In The candles are lit, the movie’s on... which means now’s the perfect time to get your Chilly’s bottle out! During romantic night in, your pheromones are flying - meaning your two minutes with your water bottle will be even more special.

8. Loveless Marriage For the ultimate climax, you need to commit to a long-con.

Marry someone you don’t love, and collapse into a deep substance dependence to mask your feelings. Eventually, all your relationships will fall apart, and you’ll lie awake at night wondering how your life ever turned out life this. You’ll wish with every fibre of your being that you could go back in time and

TS C FA

G LO

IC

change things, and you’ll stare into the mirror at 3am wondering why you can’t cry anymore. Existence will become a prison, and the view on the cliff-edge seems more tempting everyday. Then, get your old Chilly’s bottle out, and pump a load into it for old times’ sake. It won’t feel great, but compared to the sad joke your life has become, it’s the most alive you’ll ever feel again.

Alfie Gerzimbke

Lots of facts and logic...

Nothing is true, everything is permitted. (The Tab proverb, 1198.)

Mend Nudes We want to make it absolutely clear that we aren't the same team as before. We've re-designed the paper, re-conceptulised what the paper is, re-built our office brick by brick, re-coded InDesign AND the rest of Adobe Creative Cloud all by ourselves and not because of all the money we've been given. But clearly this hasn't been enough for some, because a couple of you pillocks students don't appreciate the difference. So to make it clear, we're launching our new initiative of 'Mend Nudes'. Instead of asking for your naked pictures, we're going to print our own to help mend bridges with the community.

Vision Investigation Reveals Hes Hall Shambles Vision can solely, exlusively, initially, and properly reveal that the University of York used the word 'Shambles' over one hundred thousand million times in private documents and internal press releases.

Though hours of press office meetings, freedom of information requests, and pestering emails, our data can be confirmed as way more accurate than anything Nouse can print and that we're way better than them. We asked every staff member what they thought of 'Shambles', with one saying 'They're quite nice actually' and another 'God, I wish I could visit more often, but I don't get a lot of free time these days'. Vision cannot confirm what these comments mean.

YUSU Figure Hates Vision It's come to our attention that a certain figure in YUSU doesn't like this proud and bold paper, and we're absolutely outraged.

Unlike previous years in which Vision has had legal trouble, financial trouble, and reputation trouble, our new team has only had legal, financial, and reputation scares.

Harry Clay

... on thelemonpress.co.uk

I Went to Catch the Coronavirus and This is What Happened So I was having a wank last week, minding my own business when my thoroughly enjoyable experience was interrupted by this BBC notification. Now, I know what you're thinking, why would a Noice writer have BBC breaking news notifications? I didn't want to, but the 'corporate bores' up at head office made me because I kept 'making up stories' and 'need some proper direction'. Anyway, I was trying to close the fucking thing when I saw that like, shit loads of people had caught this flu virus thing.

Well, what else could a starving journalist living off of a freelance tightrope and the bank of Mum and her new boyfriend do? I cleaned myself up, got out of bed, and took off straight to the airport.

Now it was only when I got to Leeds-Bradford that I found out that it's not called Wuhu and that's from Nintendo or some shit, and that they've already stopped flights over there. 'Fuck' I thought, and said, and did, but that's for another article. I had to find another way, I couldn't let the story dry up here and I wasn't going to give up. But what was I to do? Another vibration shook my back pocket... I'd felt it before. It was the BBC breaking news notification again! With more updates and more information.

I got my things together, and hitched up to plague central, the Wirral.

I thought it would be like 28 Days Later without Brendan Gleeson, but it was more like The Full Monty with different accents. Everything around me looked desolate and destroyed, but several locals informed be that this is just what Birkenhead looked like.

I marched towards the Containment Hospital, not knowing what horrors may lay inside or what security I might have to bypass to crack in. These uncertainties were set aside after I was asked to leave at the reception, I mean, all I did was demand to see where they kept the zombie, I don't get what was wrong with that. Fucking fascists. This time though, I knew how to manage my next steps. I got my phone out and sure enough, yet again, the breaking news started pouring into my eyes like a shower pointed square at my face. I was fucking furious. 'York! It's in fucking York!'

All this travel and planning for it to come right back to my doorstep. A sign from a higher power, clearly. Travelling straight back home, I set up shop outside the dreaded hotel, but the police asked me to leave so I spent the next week going into the Co-Op every day and skulking around, keeping a careful watch on anyone who came in or out. If anyone looked even vaguely Chi... errr, ill, I followed them closely hoping to breath in some of the virus, catching dropped tissues, licking the door handle after they left, but to no avail. I caught some sort of vomiting bug but the doctor assured me that it wasn't the Coronavirus and probably some new bug formed from all the bacteria I had consumed that week. In fact, he tells me that this new bug that they're calling coroNOICErus is more infectious, more painful, and more deadly than anything in human history. While this Noice writer is proud to have done something new, it looks like I really don't have more than a week left to live. Fuck.

Harry Clay

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Find us in your mum's basement.

SHOCKING PROOF FOUND: The Lemon Press Does Do Sports, We Swear In the recent years, perhaps since the birth of this proud journalist establishment, one thing that has been consistently questioned is our sports section. Believe it or not, our outward appearence may not lend itself to the association with sports knowlege.

But this has changed, with an image that was found, and defintley not manufactured with photoshop in the last three minutes to fill up space as we all have very little to say on sports.

That would never be the case.

The photo in question, of what appears to be a 10 year-old lemon playing football, has proven that at least at one point in one member's life, a sport was played. That means we're off the hook.

Plus, we have a whole two pages of Sports content for this issue. You'd all better start treating us like the Chads we are.

Salvos to Become Sports Stadium

Lucy Finnighan

Everyone knows the bouncers are kings of the club. In the natural world they would be majestic lions: violent, hypermasculine, and with the same mental capacity as an animal that pisses on objects to claim it as theirs. But when these men amongst men clash with York’s cream of the crop, the sports societies on their Wednesday prowls, only the strongest can survive.

In what witnesses (my mate Dan) described as, 'an absolute banger of a night', this spiral of sweat and masculinity reared its ugly head when the aforementioned witness got kicked out for absolutely no reason. This heart-breaking injustice was taken to heart by the noble societies of York, whose leaders united behind the banner of the Rose to challenge the Salvos bouncers to a good spirited debate on the issue. The bouncers, being the savage barbarians they are, could only respond in gutter noises and growls – to which our brave sportsmen responded with spirited, energetic debate that would challenge even the likes of Harvey Austin.

Despite their sound defeat, the barbarians were not so easily dissuaded from their fascist tendencies. The CEO of York Armoury and renown entrepreneur, Jarl Harald Hjirlingkas II, armed the bouncers with medieval weaponry – to which the weakest of the sports societies (freshers) fled. But the old guard stood strong. With only their VK bottles to protect them, the bouncers were routed from the battlefield in a stunning flank manoeuvre by the Vanbrugh hockey captain and his pack of warrior women.

With the kings of the club deposed, and the sports societies of York victorious, they declared their benevolent dictatorship (as best they could over the constant repeats of Abba and 'Mr Brightside') to cheering throngs. With construction starting in earnest, Salvos is to be reorganised into the first galactic mixed sports field, which some witnesses are calling 'a bit stupid and a waste of time, much like this article.' If you've read this far, well done, you’re never getting that time back.

Why aren’t you doing your work? Why aren’t you at the gym? Why didn’t you ask out that girl/boy you liked? Why are you such a weak loser? These are questions The Lemon Press should make you ask, and you should feel ashamed. Get out of my fucking sight. If I catch you on this page again, you’ll be sorry.

Finlay Bosworth 27

Sports

@thelemonpress...

Feeling down? Could be worse. You could be working for a students' union.

Kick the Code: Understanding Football Terminology Much in the same way as a cult, the followers of a religion more commonly known as 'football' have created their own secret language in order to preserve secrecy within their interactions with one another. In an effort to decipher some of the more unfathomable turns of phrase, I recently went undercover at a football match. Here are some rough translations of the footballing dialect based on my experience: 4-4-2: Several people tried to talk to me about what is called a 442 formation. I was unaware there could even be 442 people on a football team. Surely there are only nine?

Wall: Don’t let this deceive you, it’s not a real wall. The wall is actually a group of people who stand in a row to look like a wall. I love a bit of physical theatre as much as the next person (and I’ve played a fair few trees in school plays in my time) but I feel like this is neither the time nor the place. Then again, who am I to limit these men’s self-expression?

Home Side: It was unclear to me why people felt the need to sit on the side of the stadium closest to their house. Nevertheless, I was very impressed at the group’s ability to determine relative location and compass directions based solely on the position of the sun, a necessity in order to accurately work out which side is their home side. They must have had some form of specialist survival training.

Mark: I don’t actually know who this Mark guy is, but everyone seems to be obsessed with standing next to him. They never let him have a go with the ball. It really doesn’t seem fair to me.

VAR: No idea what it stands for but it seems to be making everybody rather cross. The local guide I asked to accompany me, Tony from Liverpool, suggested it may be 'Very Angry Rodgers'. I have no idea what this means.

Offside Rule: This is pretty easy, isn’t it? I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about. I feel like explaining this one to you would just be patronising.

Amy Howarth

Man City Breaks Bail and Holes Up in the Ecuadorian Embassy

A Review of Different Balls Balls. They’re important in sports, aren’t they? Or so I’ve heard.

Since I figured I’d have a go at these sports one day, I’ve had a little gander into the pros and cons of each ball. Here is my review: Football: As the name implies, you kick it with your foot. No false advertising. Very nice. Though it does loose points for being the ball that knocked me out when my Year 10 bully kicked one into my face. 3/10 American Football: What a piece of trite. It is barely used with the foot, and also I just hate the Americans. 1/10 Tennis Ball: Green is my least favourite colour, which doesn’t give them much favour, but I do like how it makes the tennis players do that silly grunt thing. It makes me laugh. 4/10

After being kicked out of European football for two years, and fined £25 million pounds for breaking financial fair-play rules and leaking state secrets, Manchester ‘Julian Assange’ City has decided to break its bail and hide out in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

They claim that they are being singled out with false charges as part of a plot to get them deported to America. It is understood that Man City's bail charges are being paid for by the movement of sponsorship revenue in its accounts, in very legitimate ways of course.

Whatever happens, the nation of Ecuador will now have the answer to the age-old question: ‘who wanks more; Pep Guardiola or Julian Assange?’

Chris Small

Golf Ball: A tiny hard thing, which clearly has a Napoleon complex. Used by rich bastards, the golf ball taunts me. We must destroy it.

-4000/10 Badminton Shuttlecock: This isn’t even a ball. Disgraceful. Also, it has made every child above the age of 8 giggle at the word ‘cock’.

Disgusting. We would never do that, we don’t adhere to that kind of low-brow humour here. 1/10 Deez: Deez what, I hear you ask? Well the answer is simple: DEEZ-BA Lucy Finnighan

... is where it's at.

Sports

28

'It's Sir Elton John, not Sir Elton and John'

Centrist Book Review: The Lord of the Rings The Lord of the Rings is a cultural behemoth, and I can’t believe I’ve only just become familiar with it. People sure have a lot of opinions of these books! You’ve got your diehard Tolkien fans, who gush their praises, and you’ve got us regular joes, who tend to think the whole thing is just the teensiest bit overrated. Both sides make good points: the fanatics claim that the books helped define the fantasy genre and stand as one of the high points of twentieth-century English Literature, and the naysayers claim The Lord of the Rings is pretentious drivel about 500 lines too long. Honestly? I think we should listen to both sides of the debate – it’s important, but golly, is it long!

These books are deep. They say things about the world, real things, relevant things, especially given the state of the world today. I’d be more specific, but to be honest I skipped most of the books (did I mention it’s LONG?) to get to the juicy bits. At the heart of the book is the struggle between Good and Evil, Gondor and Mordor, man and orc. And to be frank, I couldn’t really sympathise with either side fully.

On the one hand, Sauron is leading Mordor to conquer the lands of men, elves, dwarves, and hobbits, in search of eternal domination and the extinguishment of all hope. But the forces of Gondor and Rohan are no better! They talk the talk about freedom, and life, yadda yadda yadda, but they never once engage Sauron in a legitimate debate – instead, they fight violence with violence. Now, I’m certainly not on Sauron’s side here, but if the ‘good guys’ had the right answers, they would triumph using only reason, logic, and the marketplace of ideas.

Instead, they physically fight back (!) against the onslaught of Mordor – making them JUST AS BAD as the invaders. Are we sure Aragorn isn’t the real fascist here?

There’s some other iffy political subtext here, too. The whole Ent storyline is about the dangers of deforestation and industrialisation, and is around as subtle as a bulldozer. We get it, Greta Tolkien! You believe in climate change! But riddle me this – if we never chopped trees down, how would you have had the paper to write this book? Just some food for thought. The sudden heroic turn of Éowyn is more pandering to the Far-Left.

The character just up and slays the Witch-King of Angmar! Hey Tolkien, can you spell ‘Mary-Sue’? The whole thing is even more ridiculous when you remember she’s on the battlefield. Medieval knights weren’t women! It’s this sort of historical revisionism that makes a guy want to support Sauron. But, again, I’m not picking sides. Both the forces of Good and the forces of Evil have sensible ideas – why couldn’t Tolkien just have them compromise? Then both sides could live in harmony; the mortal folk, and the hate-demons who want to brutally eradicate the mortal folk.

Final Score: 5 Jo Swinsons out of 10 29

Arts

Alfie Gerzimbke

Area Man Forced to Pretend he's Seen All of the Oscar Best Picture Nominations

It's Awards season. And while many are discussing the winners and losers with reverent passion, Area Man is hidden away in his home. Researching. Plotting. Scheming. Reading multiple Wikipedia pages. All to pretend that he has seen every single one of the nominated Best Pictures in the Oscars.

After a quick glance at IMDB, Area Man makes his way into the public eye to give his hot take on The Irishman. He reads up about feet for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. When asked about Marriage Story, he states, ‘yeah, I’ve seen that!’ as in, he’s seen a review of it on YouTube. He loves Jojo Rabbit’s use of rabbits.

1917 was certainly a great year. He found Little Women to be delightfully heartwarming and emotional. Even if he hasn’t seen it, nor does he ever realise that it was originally a book, he’s not gonna be that guy. As for Ford V Ferrari, he doesn’t bother. No one saw that.

Though he knows little about the nominations, par from Toy Story 4 in the Best Animated Feature category, he still wants his opinions on film to be valid. Or else what will he rant about on Twitter?

So he continues the fight. His recent performance, where he pretends to have seen Parasite without subtitles because apparently it’s better that way, is perhaps the greatest performance of his career. He deserves his own Oscar. He’s putting so much effort into pretending to have seen a movie, it probably would have been easier for him to have just gone and actually seen the movie.

But we get it. Movies are a lot. There’s too damn many of them.

Anyone who claims to have seen all the nominees either has too much cash or too much free time on their hands. Probably both.

So we stand with you, Area Man. We get it. Hell, I wrote an article about Joker last issue and I still haven’t seen it. Well, like, I have like, kind of seen it, I’ve seen all of the analysis videos on YouTube, and like, people talk about it so much I pretty much know everything that happens, like you don’t have to have seen a movie to know what it’s aboutLucy Finnighan

thelemonpress.co.uk

Well done to our last edition's crossword winners. The meth is on its way to you.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Aries are supposed to be passionate and determined, but that’s the kind of stuff that got me put on a list. So, watch out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Mmmm Taurus, you’re witty, attractive, erudite, and adored! But most importantly, you’re modest, and I’m one of you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Unpredictability is your blessing and your curse, Gemini. Trying to evade the Stasi?

Great! Trying to fit in for once in your life? Give up.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Cancer, with the right person, being so loyal could be your ticket to the top! Or maybe it could just be your shaky defence at the Nuremberg Trials.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Leo, you’re a charismatic, headstrong, natural-born leader, but watch out that those loving friends don’t become doting fans, and then devoted initiates in your wet dream of a cult.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Jesus Christ Virgo! You’re shy, pessimistic, self-critical, and fragile. You don’t need pseudo-science, you need a hug- or better yet, a friend.

Libra (September 23- October 22) Oooo Libra, aren’t you woke! Look at you go, with your ‘morality’ and ‘desire for social justice’. Piss off, you’re making us look bad.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Scorpio, I bet you don’t think you need anyone, I bet you don’t think you care if they like you anyway, and that’s lucky,

The Freelancer Reverance for the Reverend There was a young rev'rend named Clay, Whose editing dismay.

caused

us

As to his writing,

But, poor him: he partnered with Chay.

was

Jack Harvey

A Treat This is a little poem, As a treat.

Chay Quinn

Read it! NOW!

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) I know you love freedom but be careful you’re not blinded by idealism Sagittarius.

Somalia is quite free and look how that’s going.

Capricorn (December 23- January 19) Capricorn, you’re well-disciplined, responsible, and hard-working. To be honest, your life is probably in a better state than mine, so who am I to judge?

Aquarius (January 20- February 20) Aquarius, you’re quirky and original, but don’t let your fear of emotional commitment let you see cheating as an innovative take on monogamy.

Pisces (February 21- March 20) In the words of my late predecessor, Lucid Lucy, you’re a fucking fish.

A Secret Admirer

There was a young fellow named Dyer,

Oh to have Weatherby,

Who forged a career in satire.

The brilliance of Brighouse,

Nouse and York Vision,

Thy reputation of Reynard,

He may well have pissed on,

A man of mystery,

Or worse: set their copies on fire.

Jack Harvey

Confined to the dustbin of history.

Love, Love, Love

His satire was biting,

because they don’t.

Dear Finn, Happy Valentine’s Day, baby. I love you so much. My heart skips a beat every time I see you in your leather jacket and I couldn’t ask for a better valentine.

All my love, Finn xxx

the

wit

of

THE HACK IN ME Slack jaw'd, That old hack,

Stuff That Happened to Me Two Geese Eating Sick Outside D-Bar Two Greylag Geese Feast on a pile of vomit Have you ever seen Anything more fucking Derwent I Saw a Squirrel in a Bin Outside SLB I saw a squirrel in a bin I was very hungover It ran away I wish it all the best Left my Laptop on the 66 I left my laptop on the 66 bus They reckon they've found it Gotta go down the depot I guess people aren't so bad

Mad as a cow, Cursed as a bat, Forever in our hearts,

Tom Davies

And our inboxes.

You Know Who

Poetry & Horoscopes

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