Foolish Phobias!

BY KAI YU AND RUFUS JORDAN-WEINER

Welcome back, fellow reader. It is I, Kaisteroni Pepperoni! Today I will share my wisdom about phobias with my assistant, Rufino Frappuccino. Phobias plague us in everyday life, pulling us down every moment. These, however, are a little stranger than usual. Even though we probably shouldn’t mock people in the throes of terror, I think it’s permissible to have a little chuckle. If you are one of the few who have these phobias, sorry.

ARACHIBUTYROPHOBIA (a-ra-shi-bu-tyr-oh-foe-bee-ah)

This phobia is the “intense, irrational fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one’s mouth”. Needless to say, this phobia won’t follow you everywhere, just stay. Away. From. PB&J’s.

ANATIDAEPHOBIA (a-nat-ta-dee-foe-bee-ah)

This phobia is the fear that a duck may be watching you at all times. This phobia is probably the most understandable of the bunch. I mean, I would be intimidated too! But I don’t have it, of course. Hey, wait! Don’t stop reading and leave me here all along! Okay, fine, I do have the phobia, But it’s not so bad—WAIT, that thing behind you... it has a bill AAAARGH!

HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSESQUIPPEDALIOPHOBIA (NOPE.)

This mouthful of phobia is the fear of long words. Ironically, this word is one of the longest words in the dictionary. Whoever invented this word was incredibly devious. It probably went a little something like this…

“Mom, I think I’m afraid of long words.”

“Hmm. How about we call this fear… HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSESQUIPPEDALIOPHOBIA!!!!”

WICKED

Musical Genre: pop

Run Time: 2 hrs and 30 minutes

Warning: Contains scary moments

Wicked, composed by Stephen Schwartz and written by Winnie Holzman, is a worldwide sensation and is considered one of the best musicals of all time. Opening on Broadway in 2003, this stunning musical was originally trashed by critics due to its “unoriginality”. Despite the setback, Wicked became the fourth longest running musical in Broadway history! It was inspired by Gregory Maguire’s book: Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, and the plot is a modern retelling of the classic Wizard of Oz from the point of view of the Wicked Witch of the West, or Elphaba. The costumes are beyond your imagination, and the songs are musical classics that you’ll sing all day. In 2024, the first movie will be released, and—like the musical—it’ll defy gravity. c

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”…On second thought, maybe it didn’t happen like that.

This joke was inspired by a YouTuber called Daniel Thrasher. Check him out!

PHOBOPHOBIA (fo-bo-foe-bee-ah)

This is an extreme fear…of being afraid. If you have this, your life must be very unfortunate. This would be a daily occurrence:

“Oh jeez! I hope I don’t get scared today! I’m so nervous- wait, that means I’m…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

Yes, we don’t have anything humorous besides screaming. Get used to it.

ARITHMOPHOBIA (a-rif-moe-foe-bee-ah)

This one is the fear of numbers (Ironically, we found this on “Top 10 Funniest Phobias”) I know a lot of people dislike math—math teachers are probably seething with anger— but these people are downright terrified of numbers. Math class would like excruciatingly traumatizing. What’s 328+236—AAAAH! c