The
FOR THE LOCALS BY THE LOCALS
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JUNE 2010 Nยบ 72
LOOKING GREAT FOR THE WORLD CUP ! Get your free wall chart inside
plus More ITV CHANGES
Buying a house in Spain
INTERNATIONAL WILLS
HELLO, GOOD READING...& WELCOME TO...
and.... EVEN more areas covered
Cabo Roig, Punta Prima & Playa Flamenca
GRAN ALACANT- SANTA POLA - LA MARINA - GUARDAMAR - ROJALES CATRAL - ALBATERA - HONDONS - LA ROMANA & PINOSO
FRONT COVER Danielle Wright,
21 - model from GA & the pretty face of Jungle Drums,
Sandra Claderon Molina, 19 - Santa Pola’s
and
Fiesta Queen, cheer on our teams.
this month
4/5 HAVE YOU GOT CRABS? Buying local fresh fish
I got invited out the other night…by a lovely Spanish woman no
make Pat Butcher smile, and
less. A phone call from her and ten minutes later I was showered,
enough liquid to test the
changed and ready to go.
fittest bladder and it was
Half an hour later we met in town and went for an aperitif in a
over…and there was me
quiet bar before moving on to the restaurant - I’d booked it earlier,
earlier in the evening just
in-between the shower and getting dressed – and it was here that
hoping for a quick nibble…
we bumped into a couple of her friends. Three hours later and with
9 ANDREA BURNS...
several other friends and various members of her extended family
Also this month I had a rude
in tow – and a few more bars patronised - we were within spitting
awakening when I jumped out
11 LIVING THE LIFE...
distance of the restaurant. The same restaurant where I’d reserved
of my skin one night as I took
Life as an expat
a table in readiness for a cosy meal for two…and we should have
the rubbish out and lifted the lid
13 ASK THE LAWYER...
been there two hours previously. But, as usual, when I’m out with
of the big grey bin to discover a Moro
a beautiful woman...I was not using my brain to do the thinking
grinning at me (toothless) from the inside
and had left the restaurant number at home, so it was a case of
(with a miners torch on his head). After a
pacifying the owner when we eventually got there.
quick ‘hola’ he was back to it – head down, and rummaging, - so
We got there at just after midnight. All fourteen of us. And, as ever
I turned my attention to the adjacent bin, where a lot of noise was
18/19 LIFE ON AN URB...
in Spain, the owner didn’t bat an eyelid when asked to make room
coming from, to find his wife, scouring the bags for her particular
for another dozen people at the cosy corner table…how romantic.
brand of treasure…and another toothless smile – complemented
21 HEALTH CARE IN SPAIN...
After another two and a half hours of eating and drinking and more
with a cheery ‘Buenos Noches’ then she was back to it… I love
Cover up!
eating, only interrupted by the Spanish family members asking
Spain…
25 WHAT’S ON...?
(shouting) me questions – all at once, and the end was in sight – the
Here’s a little gem I heard the other day about Ryanair…apparently
International Wills
Buying & Selling a house
17 NATURE... Tele-Birding
Goings on in Urban life
Get out & about
27-31 FREE WORLD CUP CHART 33-39
FUN FUN FUN...
Jokes and er...more jokes
41 MOTORING... ITV changes
43 COMPUTERS... Flickr
41
THE TROUBLE WITH SPAIN...
Sport
49 PUZZLES... Sooooo easy...
51 HOROSCOPES... Stars in your eyes
55 BUSINESS DIRECTORY...
All the businesses you’ll need!
and much much more!
&
restaurant was shutting. I got out, stuffed with the finest seafood
Michael O’Leary walked into a Dublin bar and ordered a pint of
and the cheapest wine, and with a back looking (and feeling) as if
Guinness, to which the barmen replied, ‘that’ll be 50 cents please.’
it was severely sunburnt after the whole lot of ‘em had slapped me
O’Leary, not believing his luck, said ‘My, that’s mighty cheap,’ to
as an affectionate way of saying goodbye. I remember the soccer
which the barmen replied….’Oh….were you wanting a glass with
riots of the eighties and I got slapped more gently by gorilla-shaped
that…?’
Arsenal fans back then than I did on this night.
But it was the end, and I could go home. Six hours, enough food to
If only eh…?
Read on..and enjoy,
Dave
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There is a lad here who has five barley loaves and two small fish, but what are they among so many?" JOHN 6:9 (NKJV) "Only the best for the Captain's table", CAP’N BIRDSEYE 1983
HAVE YOU GOT CRABS ? ...and fresh Santa Pola crabs at that – the best crustaceans around (apart from a bowls team I saw last week… they were good) and seriously good food. Good for your health, good to taste and, possibly more important at the moment, good for your pocket. However, this isn’t a story just about crabs - that would be shellfish (geddit?) – what we’ve put together this month is a guide to buying your seafood, seeing as most of you reading this will live within a reasonably short drive from Santa Pola- the Mediterranean’s most important fishing port. We’ve all heard the story of the loaves and the fishes where more than five thousand people were miraculously fed, with just five loaves and two fishes. If that was to happen today…and my mum could do it, she seems to be able to feed as many people as will show up - and the cupboards remain full. But put the loaves and fishes story into a modern context and we’d probably just make a load of fish finger sandwiches. that’s what this article is about too really - the benefits of eating fresh fish, as opposed to a reconstituted mash in a burger bar called a ‘Seaman’s Slice’ or something, are enormous. Fish has oils in it that promotes healthy functioning of the brain and heart and seafood is also generally low in fat and high in other important nutrients including Omega 3 - which I thought was a film with Michael Caine ‘til I wrote this. So, apart from being one of the cheapest and healthiest forms of food, fresh seafood is also very easy to buy around here, and as I said earlier, especially in Santa Pola. In this town which relies heavily on the one hundred strong
4
fishing fleet that spend six days of the week at sea, we have an abundance of places to buy fresh – and I mean ‘that day fresh’ – including most of the large supermarket chains that are represented in the area. However, it stands to reason doesn’t it, that the closer you are to the town, the fresher your seafood will be. And within the town? It’s more than likely that it is just a few short hours since your chosen meal was swimming around wondering what was for dinner…and then realising…it was. That’s how fresh it is. At the MERCADILLO in the centre of town you’ll find that day’s (or the previous depending on times) displayed so that you can see the whole of the fish. Santapoleros know their fish and the vendors know what the locals want…good fish and they will soon let the vendor know should the produce not come up to standard. Take a walk along the port in the evening and you’ll come across the small cabins located behind the town hall. Here you’ll browse the seafood of the day which is, once again, laid out (pardon the pun) in readiness for the local housewives who will be along to natter, buy, natter a bit more and argue about the price, before bidding the vendor a fond farewell…until tomorrow. Mediterranean people live longer than the rest of us (a miracle if you’ve seen them drive) and those in the know tell us that it is not least because of their diet of seafood. The fact that they can smoke about 50,000 fags (each) every day and still curl their toes up years after us just endorses the argument, so if you don’t normally buy fresh fish, try it – you may be surprised. It’s simple to cook (we’ll give you some ideas next month) and just as cheap as buying a slab of Salmon with three eyes from
Buyeckistan or the like, and far tastier… unless eyes are your thing I suppose. A walk along the prom, a cool beer and then buy your dinner. A little olive oil and garlic along with the fish in the pan – and you have it…delicious, trust me.
STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408
Tips for Buying Fresh Whole Fish Full, clear, bright eyes. Bright red or pink, clean gills. Fresh, mild odour. Shiny, brightly coloured skin with tightly adhering scales. Firm flesh, elastic to the touch, clinging tightly to the bones.
Tips for buying live crabs, lobsters, and shrimp 1. Legs should be lively when touched unless the crustacean is soft-shelled (such as soft shell crabs).
2. The tail of a live lobster should curl under when lifted up. It should not hang limp. 3. Shellfish should feel weighty, not light or dry. 4. Raw shrimp should have translucent shells with a greyish green, a pinkishtan, or a pink tint. They should be moist and firm, not mushy.
Tips for buying live clams, mussels, oysters, scallops, and other molluscs
gaping shells that do not close when tapped. 2. Shells should be moist and intact, not cracked, dry or chipped. 3. Molluscs should have a clean ocean-fresh scent, not a fishy odour.
Tips for Buying Fresh Fillets and Steaks Glossy and freshly-cut appearance, firm texture. No signs of browning or drying around cut edges. No discoloration.
1. Shells should be tightly closed. If they are open, they should shut immediately when gently tapped. Discard
HAVE YOU GOT CRABS? If not you should have
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Fiscal help... INTERNATIONAL WILLS FOR SPANISH ASSETS I have come across a copy of an “International Will” for Spanish assets. The clients were assured of it’s validity in Spain. The information they were not given is the procedure necessary in order to have that kind of Last Will validated here in Spain. In case you are wondering now whether or not you have such a will, if you have signed a Spanish will in front of a notary you’re fine. All Last Wills attested by a Spanish notary are registered and probate can be finalised with that Will.
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The “International Will” I am talking about is not attested by a notary but simply signed by two witnesses. Since that type of will is not registered anywhere, it will have to pass the court, involving considerable expense to be paid in fees for a lawyer and attorney.
FISCAL REPRESENTATION
Apart from the increased budget required it will also extend the timeperiod for the probate.
NON-RESIDENTS’ INCOME TAX
If you happen to have made such a will I would advise you to make another one, properly attested by a Spanish notary. The extra expense right now will be far outweighed when probate is sought in the future.
NON-RES. CAPITAL GAINS TAX
Please contact me if you have any doubts or wish to seek clarification on your Last Will. You’ll find my contact details next to this article.
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HE CAME, HE SAW….HE WON’T GO BACK COLIN says his bit about life as an expat Now as you may or may not know, i have lived
regarding this subject but i now want to discuss
of it for
here 23 years so far and i have seen many
other things that are closer or were closer and
someone
changes and many faces come and go over the
of which i have fond regards. and that’s some of
who shall
years. Some changes have been for the better
the people i have known here in Spain over the
remain nameless.
and some for the worse, whichever way you
years who have either passed on to that great
And when a certain
want to interpret the meaning or the cause of
beach paradise in the sky…but this sort of thing
mechanic used these
the changes. Ever being the optimist i would say
i cannot write about too much because someone
cars for repairs to the
that some or most of the changes have been for
always knows someone else, but yes i have seen
existing fleet so that when
the better but on the other hand the pessimist
many come and go and lose a lot of money in the
the man called Pepe came
in yours truly throws up counter measures which
process from the man running a fishing boat for
to take away a car there
counter balance. Now i was originally attracted
fishing trips to the man who tried to open a car
was only what was left of
by the openness of the beaches along Arenales
spares shop. Now the idea might have been ok
a crunched body shell left
del Sol, and as for Guardamar and La Mata well
but the timing left a lot to be desired to say the
then the screaming
they were wonderful and open with lots of park-
least, when not many of the urbanisations had
started. After that a
ing areas and access to the beaches. Now? Well
even been conceived on paper let alone built. Or
private local break-
you only have to take the beach road into Santa
who were put out of business before they even
down truck was
Pola to see what i mean, then along came the
had a chance to get off the ground because in
used so no-one in
property boom and all the development along
them days - in the not so distant past - you had
the head office even
with it which entailed building as close to the sea
to have a Spanish partner to start a business
knew that a car was
as possible. The joke being that properties sold
here in Spain - before they joined the common
written off - if it was
as front line ended up having an apartment block
market fully.
picked up before
built in front of them with the all too familiar wall
I have heard of or encountered many of these
they knew.
and closed gates so no access was easily avail-
sorts of things over the 23 years of living here
So the list goes on
able. The occupants in these blocks regarding the
from people meeting a local waiter called shall
from estate agents
beach in front of them as a private beach with all
we say Pepe who spoke a bit of English and offer
with power of at-
the snobbery that entailed, then in 1988 along
some of these people a dream come true buying
torney to so called
came the Ley de Costas which has helped to
a bar in Spain and a new life. sending their local
property administra-
resolve the issue regarding these developments.
Pepe a small fortune to buy the bar which was
tors of urbanisations and the old favourite of a
Those of us around before this law used to say
duly done with their money all above board and
Spanish fiscal representative which seems to
they will be building on stilts in the sea before
on the level till they had been here six months
have died a death but the law was brought in
long but thankfully this never arose, but we had
only to arrive for work one day to find that the
about 10 or so years ago as i remember and was
a laugh about it at the time. Now all this building
bar had been sold by their so called business
a prescription for certain fiscal representatives to
has allowed a lot of people to afford a holiday
partner and friend Pepe. Because the deeds (es-
levy a non-existent tax on his customers and call
or retirement home in the sun and good luck to
critura) was bought in Pepe’s name only and once
it a payment tax so he could buy a new boat or
them and i do not begrudge them this small lux-
he had a property developer or someone else in-
another Mercedes car for his wife.
ury, in fact i quite like the idea of working class
terested in a up and running successful bar it was
As stated i have lived here a long while now and
people having this opportunity to own something
sold, also the car rental firm that had a Spanish
what i haven’t seen with my own eyes, I’ve heard
better than a beach hut at Clacton or Skegness.
partner and was set up with a lot of one man’s
about from the bar room lawyers who seem to be
It’s just the way the actual beach area has been
money only to be milked rotten by the Spanish
around everywhere, but i cannot say i have heard
spoiled that i have some reservations about
partner who was responsible for the buying and
them all yet…because i haven’t and something
because it has just spoilt it with all the build-
selling of the cars because they spoke Spanish.
new is always being talked about somewhere
ing so close. Anyway that’s my gripe over with
Even the wrecked cars were sold on paper for
along the coast.
for now unless something else rattles my cage
peanuts only to be repaired and a nice drink out
You can lead a horse to water… but a pint is better!Local riders from El Palmera stables
near Guardamar arrived at El Raso on horseback in May and enjoyed a cool beer…I suppose the horses ordered a red rum…?
Jim, Lisa, Julie and Gillian from La Palmera stables in Rojales
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ask@thejungledrums.com
ONE SHORT PLANK A quick note from the editor to the lady(?) in the blue t-shirt who complained loudly at Oro y Sal cafeteria in Gran Alacant last month… that the menu was in Spanish – well spotted love…do you want a lift to the airport…or you gonna walk? whichever– just go away. pic. A miserable old fat cow.
World Cup fever is turning up in unexpected places this summer-non more so than 10 metres underwater in the Costa Blanca! The dive crew at Dive Academy Santa Pola are offering 1/2 price dives, discover scubas and snorkeling experiences within 48 hours of your team winning a game during this summer's World Cup finals. Owner and PADI Instructor Damon Rose explains; 'We were going to offer the 1/2 price promotion within 24 hours of your team winwin ning it's game but then we figured people might be a bit worse for wear the followfollow ing morning after an important match! Basically we are offering divers or people wanting to learn to dive or snorkel a chance to celebrate their teams victory with a great days fun.' England supporter Damon is quite prepared for his team putting him out of pocket for a month. 'Obviously, personally I'd like England to do well but that could mean me giving away dozens of dive experiences to English tourists and expats if they go far in the tournament. Not forgetting Spain, Holland, Germany, Italy and France of course!' And who do Dive Academy expect to be giving away most 1/2 price dives to? 'Spain. I'd be very surprised if Spain didn't go very far'. And what about a Spain vs. England final?; ' I'm not sure we could afford that! However we could have a divers penalty shoot out underwater complete with scuba gear and fins before the actual final itself!'
Me and Mrs. Jones Not civil to the Guardia By Bully It had all started so well. A sunny afternoon, me putting up a fence in the garden while Mrs Jones and Meg soaked up some rays. Then the Guardia turned up. At first it wasn’t clear what exactly I’d done wrong to deserve the presence of two officers of the crown at my gate, but here they were. Apparently someone had smashed into a car and left the scene pretty rapidly, forgetting to fill out the accident form and disappearing into the distance. Apparently, that someone was me. Now at this point they asked to see my car, so I showed them. ‘No, the other car,’ said one of them with very bushy eyebrows (I actually wondered how he could see me but I bet they
are handy in the summer…). I offered the (honest) excuse that I didn’t have another but (apparently) I had acquired a BMW (black) with significant frontal damage. It didn’t matter what I said they insisted that I must have hidden it somewhere…all this was getting hard to take, especially with his eyebrows moving up and down as he talked. Eventually, they agreed to look at my ID and realised that my name, and the guy’s they were looking for, were completely different. At last, some common sense was going to prevail (I thought) but I was on another train of thought completely to eyebrows and his mate. My ID was false. It was checked, by phone, by radio all they failed to do was hold it up to my face and compare but they were not having it. Despite my protestations I was heading for the cooler (I know... but it’s the only way I can get my name in the same sentence as Steve McQueen…) and arrangements were made (by them) for me to be taken away. My knights in shining armour turned out to be the Local Police, who arrived in the nick (geddit?) of time and called me ‘Dave,’ I almost replied with an ‘I love you’ as eyebrows whipped his head between the two of us lost in the confusion. My friendly boys in blue began a serious sounding, although I
could only hear whispers, conversation, about me. The looks over the shoulder from all the officers were still unnerving; especially eyebrows and I began to worry for my future once again. Stripy pyjamas are just not me, especially the ones with arrows on. Anyway, to keep a long story long, it turned out that I didn’t have a BMW, hadn’t crashed and legged it and I was, in fact, the bloke that it said I was. Bit like Ronseal really. So everyone was happy once again, although eyebrows and co’ didn’t offer an apology but they did shake my hand over the gate. It was that point that Mrs Jones decided to put in an appearance and put her front paws on the top of the gate – eyeballing eyebrows – and then it happened. To give him credit he took it well and returned to his car without another word. Mrs Jones, for her part, had let out the longest belch I’ve heard from any animal, let alone a Great Dane, into his face. It was compounded by the noise of her cheeks rattling against her gums from the force of the escaping air, and Eyebrows er, eyebrows being pushed against his forehead. I don’t expect Eyebrows to hold a grudge, but just in case, if anyone can bake a nice jam sponge, with a file in it…
11
La Marina
June Offers SALE! Homes in Spain La Marina La Marina
Ref:454 144.500€
La Marina
2 bed, 2 bath det villa with under build & comm. Pool l
La Marina Ref:439 115.000€
Ref:433 122.500€
Reduced... Spacious 2 bed, 1 bath ext Det Rosa.
La Marina
2 bed, 1 bath sth facing, corner plot, comm. Pool. La marina.
Ref:441 119.500€
3 bed, 2 bath, quad conservatory, en-suite to master bed Utility Room, Separate Kitchen.
La Marina
Ref:445 128.500€
La Marina
3 bed, 2 bath, spacious quad, sep Kitchen, good location.
La Marina Ref:450 114.500€
2 bed, 1 bath, utility rm, Air Cond, comm. Pool South Facing, Priced to sell !
Ref:451 99.000€
2 bed, 1 bath immaculate ext terraced Fina and Ample Parking, Central Location.
La Marina La Marina
Ref:094
95.000€
2 bed, 1 bath spacious town house u/build & garage.
Ref:449 195.000€
La Marina
3 beds, 2 bath hugely ext,det Lola with garage/workshop.
nr Gandia Ref:452 159.500€
Ref:453 220.000€
4 bed, 2 bath det villa, exc. cond, pool, store rm, sep kitchen
3 bed, 2 bath immaculate det Rosa, Gas heating, BBQ,
Ref:444 179.500€
2 bed, 2 bath det lola, comm. Pool, en-suite, furnished.
Avda. Londres 1-A, Local 8, Urb. La Marina San Fulgencio Office: 96 679 5233 email:info@ipgspain.com Visit our website to view our extensive range of properties:www.ipgspain.com 12
Ref:446
82.500€
3 Bed, 2 bath, Large 3 storey Townhouse, Picturesque location,
your local mag’ online and FREE!! - www.thejungledrums.com
JLCA & AS Lawyers
ASK THE LAWYER… Top local lawyer Jose Luis answers your legal questions.
José-Luis Campillo & Asociados Abogados - Lawyers www.jlcalawyers.com
INDEPENDENT LAW & TAX ADVICE
BUYING AND SELLING PROPERTY IN SPAIN Many of you will already have an idea of the buying and selling processes in Spain, which are considerably more complicated than in the UK. There are many types of services which will offer assistance in these processes, but we would encourage people to use a lawyer – this is because it is our business, we have experience of the pitfalls and can often foresee issues where others would not, which can in the long-term save you money and undue anxiety caused by problems which can arise – especially regarding the taxes involved, for example capital gains, and the new increase on IVA for new built properties which will be implemented in July of this year
Buying - General Practice & Litigation - Claims against builders/promoters Advice on Tax Matters - Accountancy for companies/self employed - English & Spanish Inheritance Advice - Real Estate - N.I.E. Numbers - Power of Attorney, Bank Accounts - Resident Permits - Mortgages, Loans - Notary Deed - Registration of the deed at - Land Registry - Trademarks - Spanish Wills - Reposessions - Traffic Accidents - Changes of Foreign Cars to Spanish Registration
When a client decides to purchase a property in Spain, we provide them with the services listed below. They include all of the legal stages required to successfully complete a sale agreement, and thus avoid the numerous potential pitfalls: 1. After the client has decided to buy a property, the architect-surveyor issues an approval report for the property, which means the client can be sure they are not buying a property with hidden defects or flaws. This stage is optional, although we recommend that our clients commission this report, given the large amounts of money that are involved. 2. We search the Land Registry to find out what the legal situation of the property is, in order to verify whether or not it is encumbered, and if there are any facilities or difficulties attached to its purchase. 3. We draw up a private sale agreement before signing the Public Deed at the notary office. It is important to remember that in Spain the private sale agreement is extremely important. We cannot emphasize enough this point. Agreements made in this Private Purchase Contract are binding at the time of signing for the Title Deeds – Price, Conditions and Timescales. 4. We execute a power of attorney at the Notary’s office so that in the event of the client being unable to attend the sale, the Public Deed can be notarised at the Notary’s office within the deadline specified in the private sale agreement. If it is not possible to sign the power of attorney in Spain, we collaborate with notary offices in the United Kingdom, and other countries, which means that it can be executed in the country of origin. 5. We open bank accounts for our clients in Spain, and if they need finance, we provide advice on mortgages. Our clients have the advantage that financing is generally cheaper in Spain. 6. We prepare the documentation needed for the Public Deed, and on the day of signing we either accompany the client, or sign on their behalf with the power of attorney.
7. We advise our clients about taxes in Spain, and we also liquidate and pay the taxes on their behalf. We accompany foreign clients to the police station in the area where they are buying to apply for a Foreigner’s Identity Number (N.I.E), and arrange for the documentation to be collected and delivered to them or, if they prefer, they can appoint us to be their tax representatives in Spain. 8. While the Public Deed (First Copy) is being processed at the Land Registry, we withdraw copies of it on behalf of our clients and send it to their residence. 9. We register the Public Deed at the Land Registry. 10. Wills. We strongly recommend that all of our Spanish and International clients make a Spanish will, as this is essential if you wish to save your loved ones a long and tedious process when proving their inheritance rights to your assets in Spain. (This was explained in more detail in our previous article for May 2010).
Selling Although clients who want to sell a property have to comply with the same legal procedures as those that were described previously for purchasers, the tax implications are very different. For this reason, we provide our clients with presale advice in order to avoid problems, in particular with the capital gains tax that they may be liable for. All the documents are prepared by our firm, so that even if the client is not in Spain we can act of their behalf, complete the sale, and transfer their money to wherever they request us to do so.
As always, JLCA & As.-Lawyers are on hand to offer advice on buying and selling, making sure that your best interests are catered for at all times.
Avda. Escandinavia, 72, C.C. Altomar II, Local 8, Manzana E, 03130 GRAN ALACANT (Santa Pola) Telf: 966 698 796 · Fax: 966 699 570 Espana - Spain · info@jlcalawyers.com ELCHE: Avda. de Alicante, 24 7°03203 - Elche ·Espana - Spain Telf: 966 612 816 · Fax: 965 427 800 infonacional@jlcalawyers.com LONDON: 96-98 Baker Street W1 U6TJ London Tel. 0044(0)20072241095 e-mail. londonoffice@jlcalawyers.com
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TELE-BIRDING by Malcolm Palmer
We are nearing the anniversary of the sad death of the previous writer of this column, my dear friend Brian Conduit, and it is with his memory well to the fore that I write. An avid sports fan, he always delighted in watching the Tour de France on television. But he watched it with half an eye on the birds they inevitably focussed on as they recorded – or he simply spotted them in the background. He would ring me that night and say, ‘See the Griffon Vulture today?’ Or ‘What a pillock – the commentator said that Black Kite was an eagle.’ During the course of several tours, we logged, between us, some 40 species. Besides those I’ve mentioned, notable finds were Alpine Chough, Booted Eagle, Common Buzzard, Red Kite, Red-legged Partridge and once, even a Lammergeier, as the tour crept over a Pyrenean pass. I can’t, in fact, watch a film or series without seeing or hearing the background birds. Thus a play set in the twenties in Western Europe is rendered false by the persistent coo-ing of a Collared Dove – not to be found anywhere west of Asiatic Turkey at those dates. Similarly at odds are the night-time soundtracks of many series and films. It seems as if directors buy
‘stock footage’ of ‘atmospheric’ soundtracks, which often seem to feature Tengmalm’s Owl, a rare species which occurs only in mountains or the far north – it has a nice spooky ‘hoot’. More stock footage comes into play in French movies, which often seem to have a Nightingale or a Willow Warbler singing lustily, even when there isn’t a scrap of leaf on the trees, and even when there’s snow on the ground – and all those birds are sensibly trying to rid Africa of its insects. Still more stock-footage comes when American films include a soundtrack featuring wholly European Tawny Owl calls. Geography can be fun. The summer scenes in Doctor Zhivago have an Iberian Chiffchaff singing – way out of range on the Russian steppes, while the
spaghetti westerns, like ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’ feature Blackbirds, Thekla Lark and Sardinian Warbler – nothing of the sort is found in the Arizona desert. Films ‘made for television’ such as the often rather turgid ‘thrillers’ they show in the afternoons on Antenna 3 or Telecinco, may be made in the USA or, sometimes in Germany or Austria. If you can’t see a car or some other giveaway, almost all American films feature the ‘caw’ of an American Crow in the distance. News and current affairs programmes give you an occasional ‘armchair tick’ too – I only recently saw some very red-breasted Swallows flying under a bridge in Afghanistan – well, at least it’s better than the news item you’re supposed to be watching! But it won’t be long now before the Tour de France fills my sceen, and I shall not feel ashamed if a stray tear blurs the image, as I remember Brian – ‘Hey, Armstrong did it again, eh – but did you see that raptor as they crossed the Tourmalet – what do you reckon – Golden Eagle?’
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There’s so much to enjoy in Spain… without having to take your clothes off…
JD reporter Kevin Rendall has been sent out and about to find out exactly what’s on…and where.
Flaming June - Jungle Drums’ World Cup alternatives If you’ve been fast asleep for the past three months and are just about to wake up bleary eyed and grumpy, it’s gonna come as a bit of a shock to learn that all you’ll hear about on the news and in the papers for the foreseeable future is a not insignificant football tournament occurring way down south somewhere near Durban. Fear not, grab a fag, finish your cuppa and read on because a sedentary lifestyle featuring a football shirt just too small to cover the entire stomach, pizza, beer and the settee for the next five weeks most definitely aren’t all you’ve got to look forward to. Us jolly thoughtful Jungle Drums chaps now give you the lowdown on what else is occurring this month.
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LAS HOGUERAS DE SAN JUAN Right, now I’ve got your attention I’ll bash on and start in Alicante which hosts its annual fiestas from June 20th until the 24th. Everywhere else makes do with the Moros y Cristianos, but Alicante goes one better, and, as you’d expect from the nation that brought the world the San Fermin bull running in Pamplona and La Tomatina, it’s a bit dangerous. For the previous week or two, various residents committees in all four corners of the city will have been hard at work overseeing the construction of massive papier mache effigies, (hogueras), all of which, accompanied by mental firework displays, will be torched in the name of entertainment over the evening of June 23rd and the early hours of June the 24th. Possibly not the night then to be on shift with blue watch of the local bomberos!! Before Alicante collectively reaches for the Swan Vestas pop along, because, just like those ubiquitous sand sculptures, you’ll be blown away, there probably isn’t a more spectacular way to celebrate the Summer Solstice. Be warned though, car parking is next to impossible, with various important streets closed off, so get there early. http://www.hoguerasorg/web/index.php
AN EMOTIVE SUBJECT Next up, something quite a few Brits find somewhat distasteful - the bullfight, or, as the natives would say “La Corrida” The last couple of times I attended it was six nil, but in recent weeks the Spanish press has been full of stories about dear old Taurus the bull getting his own back. Perhaps surprisingly, public opinion in Spain is also divided with growing numbers opposed to the spectacle. If you fancy going, tickets can be obtained from any Carrefour branch and are priced not just according to your proximity to the claret but also whether you choose to sit in the sun, shade or a combination of both. In 2010, the Plaza de Toros in Alicante, a majestic edifice steeped in history, has eights days worth of an event which is a mix of pure theatre, ballet and the circus. Each of this years Corridas, from the 17th to the 27th, take place in the evening and start at seven pm. http://www.torosalicante.com/index.php
IT AIN’T HALF HOT MUM As the temperatures creep up and you start sweating like a dyslexic on Countdown, spare a thought for the players of Elche and Hercules
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football clubs. Their seasons started way back in August last year and aren’t due to be completed until the third week of this month. Both clubs are pushing hard for promotion to La Primera and the chance to host giants such as Barcelona and Real Madrid. Hercules take on Rayo Vallecano on June the 12th in their final home game of the season while Elche have two fixtures to complete en casa. First, an enticing local derby against Murcia on the 6th beckons and then they face the mighty Real Sociedad on the 20th in their last outing before the squad hits the beach, the golf course or the missus. Sorry for mentioning the ‘F’ word. http://www.elchecf.es/index.php http://www.herculescf.es/
A DANGEROUS COMBINATION Don’t be surprised to see various cars ands vans dropping off vast piles off wood on the regions beaches on the afternoon of June 23rd, they’re not fly tipping it’s all in preparation for the celebrations of San Juan, where, on the shortest night of the year a heady cocktail of barbecued grub, copious quantities of alcohol and a bit of skinny dripping come together as sinners everywhere get completely
mashed and jump over a bonfire three times to purify and cleanse themselves. Afterwards any badly burnt soles of feet are quenched in the adjacent Med’ and the glowing embers, if people remember, are buried forever under the sands. This is the one, just like November the 5th in the UK, which A&E departments around the Costa Blanca and beyond fear most.
ELSEWHERE ON OUR PATCH If you prefer your evenings out not to have such an element of risk, thirty of Elche’s best restaurants are collectively holding an event entitled “The Star Dish”, where, for € 3.00 you can sample some of the cities culinary specialities, many of which change daily. Look sharp though it finishes on Wednesday the 9th. Fancy a bevy or two? then get yourselves down to the Gran Alacant Centro Comercial, where, for one night only, popular bar Shamu celebrates it’s fifth birthday on Friday the 11th. The evening kicks off about nine-ish and continues, like the very best Spanish do’s, until the small hours with live music by acoustic rock band Steel Horse, you might even bump into one or two of those friendly Jungle Drums
types . I’m not sure what it is with Spain and pyromania; in the month Alicante goes to blazes, so to speak, Aspe and Guardamar get in on the act as well. The Night of St. John on the 23rd sees residents and visitors to Guardamar witness the magical “firedance” followed the next night by a ritual burning of all the witches and creations that took part. Inland, and at about the same time, Aspe folk go berserk with their cigarette lighters too in similar fashion before retiring to a local tavern for a well deserved ale or two. If none of these suggestions float your boat, there’s always the LGTBI fair in Elche during the last week of the month, it’s for Lesbian, Gay, Transsexual, Bisexual and the Intersexual. What the hell’s an Intersexual? Have fun!!
Next month Kevin checks out his stools (shouldn’t that be stalls?) as he roams the region finding the best markets for the JD readers.
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GROUP A
GROUP B
11/6 16.00
S.AFRICA - FRANCE
12/6 13.30
S.KOREA - GREECE
11/6 20.30
URUGUAY - FRANCE
12/6 16.00
ARGENTINA - NIGERIA
16/6 20.30
S.AFRICA - URUGUAY
17/6 13.30
ARGENTINA - S.KOREA
17/6 20.30
FRANCE - MEXICO
17/6 16.00
GREECE - NIGERIA
22/6 16.00
MEXICO - URUGUAY FRANCE - S.AFRICA
22/6 20.30
NIGERIA - S.KOREA GREECE - ARGENTINA
22/6 16.00
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26/6 20.30 1st GROUP C v 2nd GROUP D v
GROUP E
GROUP F
14/6 13.30
HOLLAND - DENMARK
14/6 20.30
ITALY - PARAGUAY
14/6 16.00
JAPAN - CAMEROON
15/6 13.30
N.ZEALAND - CZECH REPUB
19/6 13.30
HOLLAND - JAPAN
20/6 13.30
CZECH.REPUB - PARAGUAY
19/6 20.30
CAMEROON - DENMARK
20/6 16.00
ITALY - N.ZEALAND
24/6 20.30
CAMEROON - HOLLAND DENMARK - JAPAN
24/6 16.00
CZECH.REPUB - ITALY PARAQUAY - N. ZEALAND
24/6 20.30
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11 JULY 20.30
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COME ON ENGLAND!
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ENGLAND ENGLAND ENGLAND 3
27/6 16.00 1st GROUP D v 2nd GROUP C
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SPAIN SPAIN 7
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SPAIN
29/6 20.30 1st GROUP H v 2nd GROUP G 03/7 20.30 WINNER 7 v WINNER 8
NAL
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GROUP A
GROUP B
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S.AFRICA - FRANCE
12/6 13.30
S.KOREA - GREECE
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URUGUAY - FRANCE
12/6 16.00
ARGENTINA - NIGERIA
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17/6 16.00
GREECE - NIGERIA
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22/6 20.30
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HOLLAND - DENMARK
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ITALY - PARAGUAY
14/6 16.00
JAPAN - CAMEROON
15/6 13.30
N.ZEALAND - CZECH REPUB
19/6 13.30
HOLLAND - JAPAN
20/6 13.30
CZECH.REPUB - PARAGUAY
19/6 20.30
CAMEROON - DENMARK
20/6 16.00
ITALY - N.ZEALAND
24/6 20.30
CAMEROON - HOLLAND DENMARK - JAPAN
24/6 16.00
CZECH.REPUB - ITALY PARAQUAY - N. ZEALAND
24/6 20.30
24/6 16.00
5
28/6 16.00 1st GROUP E v 2nd GROUP F v
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A
02/7 16.00 WINNER 5 v WINNER 6 v
B 1
28/6 20.30 1st GROUP G v 2nd GROUP H v 02/7 20.30 WINNER 1 v WINNER 2 v
6 JULY 20.30
A v B v
SEMI FINAL
11 JULY 20.30
FINA
v
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Plea
GROUP C
12/6 20.30 13/6 13.30 18/6 16.00 18/6 20.30 23/6 16.00 23/6 16.00
3
GROUP D
ENGLAND - USA
13/6 16.00
SERBIA - GHANA
ALGERIA - SLOVAKIA
13/6 20.30
GERMANY - AUSTRALIA
SLOVAKIA - USA
18/6 13.30
GERMANY - SERBIA
19/6 16.00
GHANA - AUSTRALIA
23/6 20.30
GHANA - GERMANY AUSTRALIA - SERBIA
ENGLAND- ALGERIA
SLOVAKIA - ENGLAND USA - ALGERIA
23/6 20.30
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GROUP G
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IVORY C. - PORTUGAL
16/6 13.30
15/6 20.30
BRAZIL - N.KOREA
16/6 16.00
20/6 20.30
BRAZIL - IVORY C.
21/6 16.00
21/6 13.30
PORTUGAL - N.KOREA
25/6 16.00
PORTUGAL - BRAZIL N.KOREA - IVORY C.
21/6 20.30
25/6 16.00
25/6 20.30 25/6 20.30
7
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C
03/7 16.00 WINNER 3 v WINNER 4 v
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SPAIN - SWITZERLAND CHILE - SWITZERLAND
SPAIN
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CHILE - SPAIN SWITZERLAND - HONDURAS
29/6 20.30 1st GROUP H v 2nd GROUP G v 03/7 20.30 WINNER 7 v WINNER 8 v
SEMI FINAL
AL ALL TIMES SHOWN ARE SPANISH
ase don’t let it go to penalties....
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GROUP C
12/6 20.30 13/6 13.30 18/6 16.00 18/6 20.30 23/6 16.00 23/6 16.00
3
GROUP D
ENGLAND - USA
13/6 16.00
SERBIA - GHANA
ALGERIA - SLOVAKIA
13/6 20.30
GERMANY - AUSTRALIA
SLOVAKIA - USA
18/6 13.30
GERMANY - SERBIA
19/6 16.00
GHANA - AUSTRALIA
23/6 20.30
GHANA - GERMANY AUSTRALIA - SERBIA
ENGLAND- ALGERIA
SLOVAKIA - ENGLAND USA - ALGERIA
27/6 16.00 1st GROUP D v 2nd GROUP C v
23/6 20.30
4
27/6 20.30 1st GROUP B v 2nd GROUP A v
GROUP G
GROUP H
15/6 16.00
IVORY C. - PORTUGAL
16/6 13.30
15/6 20.30
BRAZIL - N.KOREA
16/6 16.00
20/6 20.30
BRAZIL - IVORY C.
21/6 16.00
21/6 13.30
PORTUGAL - N.KOREA
25/6 16.00
PORTUGAL - BRAZIL N.KOREA - IVORY C.
21/6 20.30
25/6 16.00
25/6 20.30 25/6 20.30
7
29/6 16.00 1st GROUP F v 2nd GROUP E v
8
C
03/7 16.00 WINNER 3 v WINNER 4 v
D
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7 JULY 20.30
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HONDURAS - CHILE
SPAIN - SWITZERLAND CHILE - SWITZERLAND
SPAIN
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HONDURAS
CHILE - SPAIN SWITZERLAND - HONDURAS
29/6 20.30 1st GROUP H v 2nd GROUP G v 03/7 20.30 WINNER 7 v WINNER 8 v
SEMI FINAL
NAL ALL TIMES SHOWN ARE SPANISH
Please don’t let it go to penalties....
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re o m
Tales from the campo...
For the jokers...by the jokers
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens!’
Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove. Why do they call it PMT? Cause mad cow disease was already taken.
Why did the woman cross the road? It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place
Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them.
THE WOMAN POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep. One who’s handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who’ll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he’s rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won’t be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh, send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it’s not quite as good as his mother’s then adopt a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...then adopt a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ...then adopt a dog. If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ..then adopt a dog ! If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ... ..then adopt a dog. BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .., ....then adopt a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn’t you? Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnocologist . AND ..... When we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of the female problems start with MALES???
Bert and Agnes are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in La Marina. Bert says to Agnes, "Agnes, I was wondering have you ever cheated on me?" Agnes replies, "Oh Bert, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Agnes, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Bert, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank manager himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Agnes, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Bert, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation in Elche Hospital, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Martinez came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Agnes, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Bert, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be captain of the golf society and you were 17 votes short...?" There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!” Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an instiinsti tution for the blind.
The Female Stages of Life Favorite drink: Age 17: Wine Coolers Age 25: White wine Age 35: Red wine Age 48: Dom Perignon Age 66: Shot of Jack with a chaser Excuses for refusing dates: 17: Need to wash my hair 25: Need to wash and condition my hair 35: Need to colour my hair 48: Need to have Francois color my hair 66: Need to have Francois color my wig Favorite sport: 17: Shopping 25: Shopping 35: Shopping 48: Shopping 66: Shopping Definition of successful date: 17: "Burger King" 25: "Free meal" 35: "A diamond" 48: "A bigger diamond" 66: "Home Alone" Favorite fantasy: 17: tall, dark and handsome 25: tall, dark and handsome with money 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48: a man with hair (preferably not on back) 66: a man Ideal date: 17: He offers to pay 25: He pays 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66: He can chew breakfast
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One holding hands and ends with evening, while still deep in the jungle, a staggering financial loss. the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A man and woman were lying in bed one night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits." Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your backside."
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
MEN ARE LIKE
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God answered: "So you would love her." "But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you."
WELL HUNG
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it. ... Curling Irons. They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair. ... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. ……All of the men started clapping. Top 10 things men know about women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10
One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "The good news," replied Adam. "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain." "OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?" "I only gave you enough blood to oper ate one at time. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They already have boyfriends A. What's the difference between a hedgehog and a fancy sports car? Q. The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
Priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... get up and get your own blanket.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be 3,500 euros for small one, 6,500 euros for medium, and 14,000 euros for large. The man was sure he wanted a large,but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather have a new kitchen."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Did you hear the one about the baby that was born in New York? It was half male and half female. It ws born with a penis and a brain.
What's the dif difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type.
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THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE TO BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! While walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter.. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’ ‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man. ‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’ ‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’ So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’ The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’ So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’ The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning... ... Today you voted.’
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “how do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “a normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup”(stupid!). “No” he said. “a normal person would pull the plug - do you want a bed near the window?”
Perfect Brian
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels She asked ‘’What’s on TV?’’ I said ‘’dust.’’ And then the fight started. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘’I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’’ I bought her a set of bathroom scales. And then the fight started. After retiring I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I told the woman that I was sorry but I would have to go home to fetch it. She said, ‘’ Unbutton your shirt’’. So I opened my shirt revealing my silvery chest of hair. She said, ‘’ That’s proof enough for me’’, and processed my application. When I got home I told my wife what had happened, then she said, ‘’ You should have dropped your pants, you might have got disability too’’. And then the fight started. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat at a nearby table My wife asked, ‘’Do you know her?’’. I said ‘’Yes, she’s my old girl friend. I heard she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and hasn’t been sober since’’. ‘’My God!’’, said my wife, ‘’Who would have thought a person could go on celebrating that long?’’. And then the fight started. I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know sometimes you just get so stressed and little things seem funny. Yeah well I couldn’t believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, ‘’I AM NOT HAPPY!’’. So I looked down on him and said, ‘’Well which one are you then?’’ And then the fight started. My wife and I were watching ‘’Who wants to be a millionaire’’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘’Do you want to have sex?’’. ‘’No ‘’, she answered. I then said ‘’Is that your final answer?’’. She didn’t even look at me this time simply saying, ‘’Yes’’. So I said, ‘’ Then I’d like to phone a friend.’’ And then the fight started.
Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them.
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Marriage Humor Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing...? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’ Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like “Brian!
PUZZtioLnEs S Soli
Passenger: ge 49 pa“Who?”
from
Cabbie: “Brian Perfect. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that Easyevery Soduku to Brian, single time.”
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Cabbie: “Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing Hard guy.” Soduku
Girl: ‘We ll that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right.”
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap..’ A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’ A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’. The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. The wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’.
Wordoku
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect Crossword 1 man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Perfect.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his bloody “widow”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, Crossword 2 “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
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• • •
We have full picture galleries of each vehicle and much more information on our website All vehicles are Spanish registered (costs included!) and have a full years’ warranty & service. We also HPI our vehicles and include everything you need to get on the road including warning triangles, fluorescent jackets, bulb set and first aid kit.
Tales from the campo...
Ugliest Kid Ever
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a policman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the policeman , reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this Little Johnny goes to school, and tissue, and here's a banana the teacher says, 'Today we are for the chimp
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
The Neighbour's Kid An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of roll in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by going home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a pussy willow." Old man says, "Wait up!.... I'll get my hat."
A little boy runs into his house and asks, ?Mum, can little girs have babies?? The mum answers, ?No, of course not.? The little boy runs outside, yelling, ?It's ok, we can play the game again!?
A country doctor went way out to Pinoso to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby." Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
TALKING TRIPLETS
There were three babies in a woman’s womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said “I wanna be a plumber.” The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, “So I can fix the pipes in here, it’s kinda leaky.” The second one said “I wanna be an electrician.” The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, “so I can get some lights in here, its dark!” The third one said, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, “Why in God’s name do you want to be a boxer?”
He replied, “So,” he said proudly, “I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us
la marina beach A mother and father took their 6 year old son to the nudist’s beach at La Marina As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the sea but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
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Talleres PEREZ JUAN NEW AND SECOND HAND VEHICLES, REPAIRS, SERVICING AND BODY WORK Talleres Perez Juan S.L Ctra Elche 10 - Santa Pola. Telephone 96 541 5921 or 96 541 3746 40
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MotorHi, and Welcome to June’s Issue of Motor
donkey rides for a few Rand!! Shrugging their
ing in Spain. Its hard to believe we are into
shoulders and said, ‘mas cervera Vincente!’.
the sixth month already but not complaining
(Vincente asked if we could give him a men-
about the lovely warm weather, at last!
tion, he’s the Power Pub Landlord.) He always takes some copies of JD into his bar and he
This month we will tell you the changes of law
has extra beer supplies for the World Cup!!
reference for ITV. We have witnessed people being turned away when producing their docu-
Cheers for now and safe motoring from all at
ments (permisso and Ficha Technica) to find
Complete Motoring Solutions.
insurthey don’t have with them their proof of insur ance policy paid up to date. This must now be produced when taking your car for the ITV. It is not clear though regarding Re-Registration
Until next month, safe motoring, please contact us
of foreign vehicles. However, it is compulsory
on 965 419 769 or
to have your car insured if you are using it on
e-mail mick@completemotoringsolutions.es
the road!! The World Cup is beginning this month (see the JD World Cup Chart). But Jose and Paco are not phased by all the hype, they don’t think their donkey and cart would get to South Africa. They also commented that their donkey
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Do you have a digital camera? Have you mastered the art of taking pictures and transferring them to your computer but are stumped at how to send them to your family back home? Do you think that you have sent pictures only to find out that they were too big to send? Do you generally get frustrated when trying to send pictures? If this is you then this month’s article is going to be just perfect for you! This month we look at www.flickr.com a website set up specifically to allow you to share your masterpieces with other people. Flickr is owned by Yahoo, the Internet services company.
Website Design
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Welcome to this month’s computer article written by Richard from BlueMoon Solutions
“With millions of users, and hundreds of millions of photos and vidvid eos, Flickr is an amazing photophoto graphic commucommu nity, with sharing at its heart.” that’s how the website describes itself and I have to say it’s pretty good – and more importantly, easy to use! Once you have registered and created your free Yahoo account you can upload your photos or video direct from your computer. Once uploaded your images can be marked as either “private” or “public” - the latter means that anyone can view them. “Private”, however not only does what it describes but also gives you a second option to specify groups like ‘friends’ or ‘family’. It’s this flexibility of grouping that makes Flickr particularly good for sharing photos with people back in the UK. You can let friends see the embarrassing pictures of you in at the local fiestas without letting the family see how drunk you got! You can even create your own groups so the opportunities are limitless.
editing your pictures easy through their partner www.picnik.com – again this whole process is made really easy. Once you have the perfect images you can then organise them within Flickr by creating by collections or sets. Each photo that you upload can be tagged (if you so desire) with additional information like the date and time it was taken. You can even drag and drop it onto a map of the world to show where you took the picture using a service that they call the Organizr. If you want to take your pictures with you then Flickr offer you all kinds of print options - you can print in the conventional manner – “normal” photos or you can be more adventurous and have your images put on posters, cards, photo books, calendars or even canvas! So why not try it out this summer? Thats about it for another month, until next month, do enjoy the sun! BREAKING NEWS...at the moment we have some fantastic English laptops available for sale, all with Windows 7 installed in English, if you are in the market for a new laptop then why not give us a ring and we can help get everything moved over from your old computer onto your new shiny laptop.
Flickr also allows you to do much more than just share photos, it also makes
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THE TROUBLE WITH SPAIN
SPORT Well football really, because ask any Spaniard which team he supports and you will get one of two answers Barcelona or Madrid. Pretty much the rest of La Liga doesn’t exist as far as the majority of the population is concerned. The attitude seems to be ‘my team’s better than yours, so there’. A Madridista will never, ever, praise Barcelona and vice versa and as far as any other team is concerned fans are looked upon with something akin to sympathy. It doesn’t matter where you live – geographically you can live next door to the Mestalla in Valencia and your team will most likely be either of the big two, or maybe Valencia at a push.
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Champions League (Former European Cup) Winners x 3 UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup Winners x 4 Inter-Cities Fairs Cup Winners x 3 UEFA Super Cup Winners x 3 Latin Cup Winners x 2 MAJOR WORLDWIDE COMPETITION
FIFA Club World Cup (Former Intercontinental Cup) Winners x 1 .
I’ve seen waiters who are rival fans of the biggest two clubs in Spain (and the universe if you’re willing to listen to them) almost coming to blows over a match when they discussed it the next day and more heated arguments in the street over these two sides than any other subject. You see it runs a little deeper than football but retains the tribal connection because during the war (the Spanish Civil War- the one that nobody mentions) these areas were generally on opposing sides and the rivalry between those factions – as we’ve been reminded of recently – was, and still is, intense. Having said all that the rivalry between fans is much more childish than serious, for example when ‘Fat’ Ronaldo left Barcelona for Madrid, overnight he became ‘past it’ and ‘on the way down’ over night according to radio phone-ins from his former (Barcelona) fans. When Madrid lined up ‘Los Galacticos’ in 2006/7 - a collection of the very best players from all over the world – Barcelona fans would go through the team sheet and reel off the problem with each particular star. Conversely, when Barca took the most valued prize in club football – the Champions League title in 2009 – according the Madridistas, they were lucky. Spanish fans are a passionate lot – mad about their club to the point of obsession – and expats have a lot to learn from them, mainly that although they are crazy about their club and would do anything to support them…they still don’t feel it necessary to kit the whole family out in the home kit whenever they go on holiday…
DOMESTIC COMPETITIONES
La Liga Winners x 31 Copa del Rey Winners x 17 Copa de la Liga Winners x 1 Supercopa de España Winners x 8 MAJOR EUROPEAN COMPETITIONES
Champions League (Former European Cup) Winners x 9 UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup Winners x 2 Copa Iberoamericana Winners x 1 UEFA Super Cup Winners x 3 Latin Cup Winners x 2 MAJOR WORLDWIDE COMPETITION
FIFA Club World Cup (Former Intercontinental Cup) Winners x 3 .
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CROSSWORD 1
CROSSWORD 2
Alpha-Cross 01 The first letter of each answer is written next to its clue in alphabetical order. One letter has already been entered. Can you find the words then fit them correctly into the grid?
1. Sartor (6)
3. Legal (6)
2. Evening (5)
8. Metal bar (5)
4. Make better (5)
10. Voter (7)
5. Asinine (7)
11. Choices (7)
6. Food store (6)
12. Stingless male bee (5)
7. Laconic (5)
13. Ire (5)
9. Fish (5)
15. Accumulate (5)
14. Wandered (7)
20. Entice (5)
16. Type of musical scale (5)
22. Recess (7)
17. Begins (6)
24. Let go (7)
18. Bet (5)
25. Automaton (5)
19. Combined (6)
26. Riding seat (6)
21. Path (5)
27. Repented (6)
23. Relating to a city (5)
9
7
P. Breed of dog (6) P. Go forward (7) R. Right-hand page (5) R. Hazards (5) S. Fusillade (5) S. Scorch (5) S. Lance (5) S. Impassive (7) T. Stories (5) T. Tropical bird (6) T. Clan (5) U. Imaginary creature (7) V. Fiddle (6)
DOWN
1. Bicycle for two (6)
5
3
1
Answers page 37
Wordoku key word: Wonderful
4
1 4 2
0
4
C. Stringed instument (5) C. Windstorm (7) E. Sincere (7) E. Encrypt (6) E. Obliterate (5) I. Dialect (5) J. Top prize (7) J. Fairness (7) L. Large feline (7) M. Cereal grass (5) N. Emerging (7) O. Happen (5) O. Mediterranean fruit (5) O. Greek letter (5) O. Threatening (7)
Across
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JUNE 2010 Divining water using two sticks held at arms length in front of you is about to become well starred as Saturn and Neptune turn on the equivalent of the celestial juice. Ducking but not diving is well starred as the end of the month approaches. Free stuff, gratis and phrases like ‘Your money is no good here’, are all well starred especially in out of the way bars, shops, or on web sites that your anti virus software screams at you to avoid as if your life depended on it. Alertness is an overvalued state of being, according to your ruling planet this month, Neptune. Long lay-ins, forgetting to go down to the gym, forgetting to take your favorite work out t shirt when you do remember, and where’s the water bottle gone? This is just a taster of the Taurean nightmare of a month June is shaping up to be.
Kneading dough is well starred especially on baking days, but there is a donut frying oil temperature warning for an above average amount of the time. This month your misheard pop music lyric sounds like: ‘Milk me baby like there’s no udder’. This month your destiny is like a werewolf half way through the hair being grown on its back and hands stage.
Cancer is just an awful name for a horoscope sign isn’t it? We have been campaigning for years to get it changed to Cancerian, and our fight goes on. Unfortunately the C word taboo name always makes you shudder slightly when horoscopes are brought up in conversation, and you feel like you should apologize for your star sign’s apparent insensitivity. Well, no surprises: you’ll have to suck it up once again this month... Arguments involving fish, fish fingers, battered fish, fish nuggets and fish sticks that used to be called crab sticks but aren’t anymore because there isn’t any crab in them (like there ever was) are well starred this month, especially at times of communal eating on the 18th of the month. Chives, jives and hives are all well starred this month, as Neptune intervenes.
Saturn is to increasingly embrace public transport throughout the month: expect a 3% improvement in your success rate for hailing a taxi, buses/ coaches 5%, trains 2.4%. If gardening this month, favour hand held trowels. Hazardous substances are about to become particularly hazardous for all Virgo’s from the 16th
Now is the best time since March 2008 to accurately guess peoples weight and age, as Saturn traverses a globular Mars. Grotesques, including over friendly morbidly obese people, are poorly starred for much of the time - beware particularly at tea time on the 7th, 8th, 9th and 23rd of the month. Ordering fast food will provide a moment of well needed introspection this month when the drink you ordered is much nicer than you anticipated.
The question ‘Do you know the way to San Jose?’ is about to be answered, at last, but you might not like the answer that you are offered this month. Jupiter, and the invisible planet of Umoho (yet to be discovered by those short sighted scientists who are too busy critiquing our proven horoscope accuracy than to look through their telescopes properly) are about to offer an insight... The French language is about to enhance your speaking vocabulary 10 fold this month (it’s probably better to avoid some of the right leaning American radio talk show hosts and hold off calling them with your new love of the French language until after dusk on the 30th.) Joie de vivres, Coups d’état, Ménages à trois and le weekends are particularly well starred. Ecology, economics but not ectoplasm, continue to be favourably starred, especially when attending a convention, or dig at the Antarctic. Indigestion following some sort of speed eating / all you can put in your mouth at one time / drinking a whole gallon of milk in one go competition is surprisingly starred this month, as Venus transects the Saturnian Gash. Now may be the time to put off something once again that you have been putting off for a while.
Jupiter has devious plans to test your faith this month: Members of the scientific community are being encouraged to challenge your faith in the unerring accuracy of horoscopes. Never listen to anyone who claims we don’t know what we are saying, we spend years working out what the planets are talking about before we write these predictions. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide, but if the scientist intent on berating your horoscope faith doesn’t go away, ask about the Big Bang Theory...
Saturn and Jupiter are both concerned that you seem to be listening more to some sort of omnipotent being these days, and are discounting the advice from the planets. Now is the time to make a decision: choose one or the other. Decide before 23rd of the month or risk a leaky pipe. Stains on furniture, especially on wood, particularly that ring stain thing when you put a hot cup on a wooden table, are badly starred this month, as Saturn takes charge of coasters.
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The premier group on the Costa Blanca for legally registered businesses.
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BUSINESS DIRECTORY AIR CONDITIONING DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684
ANIMAL RESCUE LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 112 0244 ALBERGUE Bacarot Tel 96 596 0224
BARS BUUL & DOG Aspe Tel. 96 549 0406 CAGNEY’S La Marina Tel. 96 679 5486 FLANNAGAN’S Gran Alacant see page 47 SHAMU Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8861 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986
BOOKS
CARDS & MORE
La Marina Tel. 96 679 0954 LA MARINA ANIMAL WELFARE La Marina Tel 96 679 5593 MALVINA BOOKS La Romana Tel. 96 569 6656
BUILDING / MAINTENANCE ALTOMAR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9353 CLIVE COOMBER Gran Alacant Tel 669 593 212 FIRST CHOICE La Marina Tel. 96 679 6039 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040
BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS TIBA All Areas Tel. 902 906 015
CAR HIRE XTRA RENT A CAR Santa Pola Tel 607 850 664 HONDON RENT A CAR Hondon Tel 96 610 5205
CARPENTRY MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684
CAR REPAIRS RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 PERFORMANCE & DIESEL Guardamar Tel. 96 610 7606
CAR SALES FWR CARS El Altet Tel. 96 568 7976 RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 CLUB CARS La Marina TEL. 96 618 0006 COCHES GUARDAMAR La Marina Tel. 646 763 645
CAR TRANSFERS CAR SERVICE CENTRE La Marina Tel. 650 821 082 HEADLAMP EXCHANGE La Marina Tel. 96 610 8938 LEGAL SOLUTIONS La Marina Tel. 96 679 6060 RE-REGISTRATION SPECIALISTS La Marina Tel. 650 821 082
CLUBS / SOCIETIES MONTE MAR BOWLS CLUB Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 8676
COMPUTERS BLUE MOON SOLUTIONS All Areas Tel. 655 044 970 SPANISH INKS All Areas www.spanishink.com GRANNET INTERNET Gran Alacant Tel. 649 530 999
CONVEYANCING ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 8796 PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737
DENTAL BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 DENTURES DIRECT Gran alacant Tel. 619 185 122
DIVING SANTA POLA DIVE ACADEMY Santa Pola Tel. 96 541 4510
DOCTORS CLINICA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 7411 EMERGENCY Tel 608 666 455
DOMESTIC APPLIANCES APPLIANCE FIX Gran Alacant Tel. 96 618 3024 EURONICS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5365 ELECTRICIANS/ELECTRONIC
CCW ELECTRICAL Gran Alacant Tel 617 872 405 DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 ENTERTAINMENT
FLAMENCO - LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399
ESTATE AGENTS IPG La Marina Tel. 96 679 5233 MASA INTERNATIONAL Gran Alacant Tel. 629 251 747 TOP ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7357
FARMACIAS FARMACIA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7471
FISCAL ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 RAQUEL BALLESTER Gran Alacant Tel. 965 710 353 PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737 WWB All Areas Tel. 96 619 6563
FURNITURE SECOND HAND FURNITURE La Marina Tel. 96 644 3370 BARCLAYS NEARLY NEW San Fulgencio Tel. 96 672 5725 NEW 2 YOU All Areas Tel. 96 571 5605
HAIRDRESSING FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031
HEALTH & BEAUTY BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 CLARE GALE All Areas Tel. 96 671 7164 FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031 MARINA HAIR & BEAUTY Gran Alacant Tel. 606 600 853
HEARING CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 802
HEATING
DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel: 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040
HOUSEHOLD SERVICES MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319
INSURANCE ALMARCHA INSURANCE La Marina Tel. 96 572 9747 GLOBELINK All Areas Tel. 96 626 5000 PERPETUO SOCORRO La Zenia Tel. 678 570 632 ROWLAND INSURANCE Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3076 SANTA LUCIA Gran Alacant Tel. 685 161 183
KENNELS JEAN & DAVE’S Hondon Tel. 660 969 529 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 618 283 PARK & BARK La Marina Tel. 628 244 712
KITCHENS
CARLTON KITCHENS All Areas Tel. 650 587 361
MORTGAGES
JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796 PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737
MOSQUITO NETS MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319
MOTORBIKES SOLO MOTOS Santa Pola 96 541 4281
NATURE
MALCOLM PALMER Santa Pola Tel 96 608 2454
NURSING
CARE IN THE COMMUNITY All areas Te. 96 597 5459
OPTICIANS
CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel 966 698 802 SPECSAVERS Torrevieja Tel. 96 692 7249
OSTEOPATH
ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034
PAINTERS / DECORATORS
MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040
PETS
CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 2328 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax Tel 96 618 2838 MOUNTAIN VIEW CAT HOTEL Hondon Tel. 96 667 7273 PARK & BARK La Marina Tel. 628 244 712
PHYSIOTHERAPY
ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034
PLUMBERS
DMF PLUMBING All Areas Tel. 96 679 9740 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040
POSTAL OFFEX All Areas Tel. 96 672 0959
PROPERTY RENTALS OPI RENTALS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7438 La Marina Tel. 96 679 5422 INVEST SPAIN Elche Tel. 96 542 9396
REMOVALS MISTER VAN All Areas Tel. 697 775 588
RESTAURANTS COCOA’S Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8509 GRILL FLAVOUR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9099 LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 OUR PLAICE FISH & CHIPS La Marina Tel. 96 679 5418 SAFFRON Gran Alcant Tel. 96 669 8098 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986 WISHING WELL Dolores Tel. 96 671 1653
SIGNS / SIGN WRITING
CORTES SIGNS Santa Pola Tel. 686 464 076
SOLICITORS
JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796 PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737
SUNBLINDS TOLDOS PENALVER Santa Pola Tel. 96 543 2350
SUPERMARKETS AJ’s Hondon Nieves Tel. 96 548 0718 SWIMMING POOL (MAINTAINANCE)
GA POOLS Gran Alacant Tel 628 030 184 IMPERIAL POOLS La Marina Tel. 96 677 3079 PJ’s All Areas Tel 619 501 657 POOL CLARO La Marina Tel. see page 32 SWIMMING POOL (CONSTRUCTION)
REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824
TAX ADVICE JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796 PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737
TOBACCO ESTANCO 7 Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 4716
TRANSLATORS ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MITCH BULL Gran Alacant Tel. 638 608 422
TRANSPORT AIRPORT FLYER All Areas Tel. 618 834 774 TAXI Santa Pola Tel 609 959 408
TV DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 SIMULSAT Santa Pola Tel. 677 878 210
VETS CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 8463
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