Social media and my kids

GIDEON SILVERSTONE COURTESY: AISH.COM

How a Jewish father navigates the challenges of social media and smartphone use with his teens.

I got my first mobile phone when I was 18 years old. I was working a summer job in sales and the company gave me a phone to use while I was on the road. It was 1995. The days of Ross and Rachel, Beanie Babies and the Macarena. Phones were only used for calling people, if you can imagine that, and they didn’t yet fit into your pocket. Unless you were a brick layer. I remember the first time I used my new phone. I was stuck in traffic and I called my friend, Jay. “What’s up Jay?” I said, smiling from ear to ear. “It’s Gideon. I’m calling you. From the CAR!!”

The summer job ended, as did my stint as a mobile phone owner, but in less than 10 years mobile phones morphed from bricks into best friends. They were no longer just for calling. They became personal computers, mobile offices, entertainment devices, cameras, music systems and, of course, used for something new called social media. The US Surgeon General said, “We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis and I am concerned that social media is an important driver of that crisis.”

I remember when Facebook first came out. I liked reconnecting with old friends – it was cool (and random) hearing that Gordon Chong from high school was now a camera man for a local TV station. But I had no idea it would soon come to change how many people around the world communicated. And when my wife and I had twins, a boy and a girl, I certainly didn’t know that doctors would soon be sounding the alarm about the dangers of social media use with kids.

Recently, the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy said that there are "ample indicators that social media could also harm children's well-being. We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis and I am concerned that social media is an important driver of that crisis – one that we must urgently address.” While this issue is getting more attention of late, the issue of kids and screen time was always my radar. That’s why I said to myself as a young father that I would never allow my kids to have their own phones. Riiiiight.

The first crack in the dam came when my daughter went away to sleep over camp in the summer after 5th grade. She made friends from all over the continent. She needed to keep in touch with them. All the girls were keeping in touch through iMessage and iVideo. “Everyone was doing it.” Oh, and “how bad could it be?”

After some discussion, my wife and I agreed to an iPod that could be used for texting and video calling, but nothing else. And generally that seemed to work. Until COVID.

COVID was a game changer for society at large and, of course, kids were no exception. Classes were online and so were their friends. Our kids were lobbying for their own phones. Cooped up at home with few options for social interaction, it was hard to say no. My 7th graders now had their own mobile phones.

But we didn’t simply throw in the towel. I didn’t forget that oath I made to protect those babies I once held in my arms. We still had a responsibility as parents.

First, we thought it was important to educate our kids about the potential dangers inherent in these devices. I made them read articles about the harm that phones and social media pose to kids – that it led to lower self-esteem, especially among girls, increased rates of suicide and a host of other mental health issues. And I tried to understand what exactly they needed their phones for and then customised an approach that suited their needs. In general, they wanted their phones to keep in touch with friends, play a few games and (allegedly) help with homework. As such, the first plan we developed looked something like this:

• Text, email, WhatsApp, some games allowed;

•Apps of favourite sports teams allowed;

• No social media;

• No internet;

• No media usage (i.e. Netflix, YouTube etc.);

• Daily screen time limits;

• Phones not allowed in a kid’s room overnight (yes, that means that they had to use alarm clocks *gasp*);

• Parents have kids’ passwords and the right to check in on what they were doing; and

• Ideal place for phone usage was in a common space in the house, unless they were having a private conversation.

It also helped that the schools where we sent our kids shared our sensitivities. I was in touch with the principals of both of my kids’ schools to voice my feelings on the matter and they were responsive. They hosted educational evenings for parents with technology experts and even recommended some solutions. As a result of that session I purchased a filter for our home that allowed us to filter content by age level, set screen time limits and provided a host of other features (it’s called Circle).

If I was preaching to my kids about the dangers of social media while constantly following the latest TikTok trends, I think my message might be harder for my kids to swallow.

We also thought it was important to model healthy phone habits as parents. I use my phone mainly for communication, work and news and do not have social media on my phone. If I was preaching to my kids about the dangers of social media while constantly following the latest TikTok trends, I think my message might be harder for my kids to swallow. And I am not perfect. Just recently we were on vacation and I was texting with someone and my daughter said to me, “Dad, put your phone away. You’ve got to be in the moment.” I told her that she was absolutely right. It was a proud moment. Naches.

My older kids are now 15 and they are finishing 9th grade. As they entered high school, we have had conversations about loosening up the initial restrictions outlined above. In our discussions, my daughter said that she now sees the wisdom of some of our rules. Even though she once advocated for access to apps like TikTok, she said she knows that it will have a negative effect on her and, as enticing as it may be, she wants to stay away. At the same time, she has advocated for more freedom.

So, while TikTok, Instagram and Facebook are still a “no”, Pinterest, Spotify and a later lights out for devices at bedtime is a “yes”. She’s still advocating for more and we are still advocating for less, but we’re trying to have an open and respectful dialogue about it to show our kids that we are regulating the use of these devices because we love them and take our roles as their parents seriously. Saying “no” is not easy, especially when “everyone else is doing it”, but if done with love and understanding, I am finding that my kids seem to accept it. Do they have a Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)? Maybe.

But we have given them a compelling alternative – being part of a fun, supportive, loving family, and when presented with the alternatives, they choose family.

My younger daughter who is nine years old thankfully does not yet have a device and we will try to keep that up for as long as possible. There are a number of initiatives, such as Wait Until 8th, that are advocating for parents to come together to delay giving their kids smartphones until at least 8th grade and we hope to join that movement.

My 15-year-old son is enrolled in a Jewish high school for boys with a somewhat more restrictive smartphone policy, where social media is prohibited and smartphones are not allowed in school. At a recent parent teacher night, I asked one of my son’s English studies teachers if my son’s class was behind public school kids in terms of their academic skills. I had this concern because he spends many hours in school on Jewish subjects and only starts English subjects in the afternoon. It stands to reason that they would be behind.

The teacher looked at me in disbelief and said, “Are you kidding me? These boys are way ahead of the public school kids. Their analytical abilities, their reading, writing and verbal skills. The public school kids can’t compare!” He added, “I think the policy that this school has of no social media and limited smartphone use is amazing. My public school kids have no attention spans anymore. I see them in school, always holding their phones. They are addicted. They are like zombies.”

Life seemed so much simpler when I was a kid. I think my parents’ biggest concern was me spending too much time playing Super Mario Bros. Today I would be thrilled if all my kids were doing was playing Super Mario Bros. Times may have changed but our responsibilities as parents remain the same: Love them. Guide them. Protect them … especially in the age of social media.

17 the sydney jewish report | Aug 2023

RABBINIC