5 minute read
THE TREE OF LIFE
AROUND THE COMMUNITY
ANNE-MARIE ELIAS
People do not like to be judged. Evolution, however, has gifted us the ability to think critically, problem solve and form opinions. Our opinions can be interpreted as
judgments.
For example, a well-meaning person may pose the following question: “Do you think you should wear that shirt out rather than tucked in?” That individual believes the shirt would be better worn that way, but that is not how the one at whom the comment is aimed receives it. They interpret it as a judgment about their look.
We are also master problem solvers of other people’s perceived issues … and we often get that approach wrong. Some time ago, in a staff meeting of psychologists, one of my colleagues spoke about a tough group therapy session. His colleagues automatically went into problem solving and advicegiving mode. Did you do this? Did you say that? And on it went.
As the meeting ended, I noticed that the colleague that raised the issue looked frustrated and upset, so I asked him what was wrong. His reply: “I know how to run group therapy. I just needed to vent. I wanted some validation about how tough my session was.”
What is validation?
It is acknowledgment and acceptance of someone’s experiences, thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Validation is seeing the wisdom in another's experiences, given their circumstances.
Validation does not mean agreement or letting go of limits, or not allowing for contingencies or expectations. It is also not about convincing someone of another position.
Validation is important because it provides empathy with and understanding of another’s experiences. It says to them that we recognise these as being “real”.
Validation improves communication and relationships. People listen more to what you are saying when they feel that you understand or, at least, are trying to understand their experiences.
Some key steps to validation are: • Be present and pay attention. • Reiterate. That is, repeat what you believe you heard or observed. In the case of my colleague, someone could have said: “It sounds like your group gave you a hard time today”. • Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. • Be patient. • Be accepting and non-judgmental.
In some circumstances we can validate by indicating that the experience someone is going through is common. An example is a feeling of anxiousness before a job interview … because interviews can be stressful. Stating that indicates to the person who has that sensation that they are not alone. It is also important to be genuine – to stand alongside the person seeking validation as an equal (not as a superior). They are not necessarily fragile or incompetent, so do not treat them as though they are.
Also, do not be defensive. Be willing to be corrected and apologise.
Non-verbal communication is important and also expresses validation. For example, do not be afraid to tear up when you feel sadness or joy with another person.
When validation is handled appropriately, the emotional intensity felt by the person seeking validation generally decreases and things slow down.
When validation is handled inappropriately, the person seeking validation may experience an emotional eruption or a complete shut-down.
Let me be clear, we impact one another profoundly. Validation tends to beget more validation.
And, as a final note, do not forget about self-validation, while banishing self-flagellation.
Please take a few minutes to watch a YouTube video on the subject: “It’s not about the nail”: https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Validation, not judgment
Anne-Marie Elias is a psychologist in clinical practice for 25 years.
The Tree of Life
(part 2)
YERACHMIEL ISACOWITZ
In the last issue of The Jewish Report, I explored the link between the Torah and the Tree of Life.
Now it is time to look at the Torah as a dynamic legal and ethical system.
Written Torah is constitution. It is divine in origin and therefore unchangeable, apart from emergency measures, which permit the sages of each generation to institute temporary overrides.
An example of this is that the Torah prohibits making offerings on a bama (temporary altar) after the establishment of the mishkan (tabernacle) in Israel.
Yet Eliyahu Hanavi (Elijah the Prophet) many years after this prohibition came into effect, in his fierce battle with the Jews who were worshipping idols, challenged them to make a fire descend from heaven through offerings on a bama. They took up the challenge but failed.
This constitution is required because there are actions we take that may at first seem innocuous, but can have huge ramifications in the spiritual realm.
With proper qualifications and using the appropriate tools of deduction, Torah sages extract the wisdom of the constitution to determine Torah law.
Talmud is legislation based on the constitution. The laws of the Talmud are generally unchallengeable, but for exceptional circumstances.
Rishonim and Acharonim (post Talmudic sages) are the equivalent of precedence. They apply Talmudic law to practical events.
A most intriguing concept is eilu ve’eilu divrei Elokim Chaim (these and these are the words of the Living God). What this means is that you can have two, diametrically opposed views and both can be correct as both are derived from the Torah.
So, how can they both be right? This can be likened to a prism. White light enters and diffuses into colours. One can correctly state that the light is whatever colour one is looking at, depending upon the angle at which one is seeing it.
Where this is not possible is in the world of halacha lemaase (practical law). While, once again, you may have differing opinions, in the end the law comes down on one side or the other.
Practical law is also influenced by contemporary events. So, a Posek (a rabbi that has the training and qualifications to determine Torah law) will consult experts, be that in medicine, science, technology etc,, in order to arrive at a conclusion.
The Gemora relates that the great sage Rav spent 18 months with shepherds, becoming an expert in blemished animals (which could invalidate offerings on the altar in the Temple in Jerusalem).
He became so knowledgeable that his opinion was not accepted as halacha since no-one else was able to reproduce his understanding.
So, like a tree that grows and prospers, the legal and ethical system of the Torah, works its way through the equivalent of the leaves, branches, trunk and root system to propagate new growth.
Torah is the Eitz Chaim (Tree of Life) – dynamic, practical and ever present.
