TOP SECRET HUMOR: Leaked Math Department minutes

Over my four years in the Upper Division, the Math Department has given me whiplash with their constant changing of course names. We’ve gone from AB and BC to “enriched” to “honors.” Before, we could only assume the reasoning behind these changes. The most popular working theory is that admissions officers would be so confused about what was what, that poor grades would get lost in the shuffle. However, during a recent search of Hunter

Biden’s laptop, The Record obtained the official transcript of last year’s departmental meeting to determine math course names. Teacher names, of course, have been redacted due to pending litigation.

HORACE MANN SCHOOL DEPARTMENT OF MATHEMATICS: MEETING, June 9, 2022

Ms. Smith: Hi everyone, thanks for being here. So today we’re going to review the Upper Division’s math course names.

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Mr. Johnson: Hold on, where’s Mrs. Davis?

Mr. Rodriguez: She must be running late. I saw her in the cafeteria around 2.

Ms. Smith: Well, if she left the cafeteria at 2 and has to travel the distance of 768 feet at a rate of 5 miles per hour, she should be here in 3 and ¼ minutes or 195 seconds, so let’s just proceed.

Ms. Smith: We’ve gotten some negative feedback from students and parents that our course names contain some troubling subtext.

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Mr. Green: Isn’t the whole point of math is that there is no “subtext?”

Ms. Smith: Correct. This is only subtext about the name of the course, not the content itself.

Mr. Johnson: OK but I do actually have a quick content note while we’re here: we should definitely think about revisiting “differential calculus.” Why, in 2023, are we focusing on difference? (with a raised chest) I do not see color.

Everyone: (awkward fidgeting, averting eye see HUMOR on page 7

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The Panopticon

A one sided window, a one sided limbo. Twist your elbow and airbrush your thighs; You’re not meant to take up this much space.

Gazing at you through the lens of cupped hands, Cupped bras and contoured glands.

A debate between fragility and dopamine, Fragility continues to flourish with its shiny participation award; Dopamine takes home the winning prize. A transient, intangible joy via dopamine eyes.

He takes the trophy back home, back to the screen.

In such structure, where can we seek the