The Quibbler Summer 2019

Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head Starflashfairy Gryffindor Managing Editor NDoraTonks Hufflepuff Managing Editor L-ily Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_ Slytherin Managing Editor Im_Finally_Free Production Manager KackelDackel Production Assistants Team-Hufflepuff Anne_Seelman Permagrinfalcon Web-Wizard Oomps62 Archives wiksry Payroll Marx0r Art Dept Head Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows Dept Head blxckfire

Classifieds L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies Dept Head Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts Dept Head VinumCupio Education Dept Head Starboost3 Entertainment Dept Head RCGFrostbite Fashion Dept Head Siriuslywinchester Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head Ryan814 News & Features Dept Head Rysler Sports Dept Head ArmyPrivateOctopus99 Travel Dept Head mrsvanchamarch

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ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T FROM STARFLASH THE DESK OF MADAM 2019 Editor’s Desk - Summer !

Greetings, dear Readers

ition of The to present our twelfth ed ed as ple am h, as rfl Sta rton of eggs I, Madam ough to fill an entire ca en s; ue iss n ze do e on s Quibbler! That’ Dursley’s doorstep! Of and leave them on the s pie co up led mp cru erful content; not with waste of perfectly wond le rib ter a be uld wo at d processor. course, th poor Aunt Petunia’s foo oy str de ely lut so ab uld to mention it wo this issue. aps in Quibbler Castle We’ve had lots of mish d conral instances of smuggle Half a dozen fires, seve drained gallons of illegal blood traband items, fourteen the ous noises coming from into the lake, and suspici g, yin sp d, en sneaking aroun Archives. There has be bs going off everywhere “bor rowing”, glitter-bom so many te security spells), and iva pr n ow my are e os (th and from the Magical Plants creatures have escaped ff sta is back e lost count. The entire Creatures office that I’v trouble I haven’t had this much t, fac In ! on ati ob pr t double-secre d that ridiculous on HR office was cut to fun e th e for be ce sin ff sta the lake that with the ng with the rowboats for alo , ve ha to d ha t jus dy would moat everybo d them all the merpeople tol I . em th on ed ist ins nobody uses. They ? does anyone listen to me attack those boats, but all know I le the staff causes, they ub tro ch mu w ho r tte Ah, well. No ma much trouble... at’s why they cause so th be ay M ay. yw an em love th issue possible, o made this wonderful wh e on ery ev k an th to ler Anyway. I’d like Quibbler for more Quibb he /T /r to be cri bs su to ch as we enjoyed and remind everyone reading this issue as mu joy en u yo pe ho I ! fun nonsense creating it for you!

May Fortune smile upon ~Madam Starflash Editor-in-Chief

you!

Madam Starflash

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34856 JULY 2019 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

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Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler.

Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining!

THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

16 52 156

5 Muggle Celebrities That Are Wizards!

Number 3 will shock you!

Herbologist's Healing Flowers A Floral Flu Fixer.

Professors' Cocktail Hour: Great Hall, Great Time!

The only potions you'll ever need.

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ...............................................7

Castles and Burrows. ......................................... 132

Travel....................................................................38

Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies............................... 156

Magical Plants And Creatures. ..........................50

Sports. ................................................................. 168

Dark Arts..............................................................64

Horror-Scopes.................................................... 174

Divination.............................................................72

Classifieds........................................................... 175

Education. ............................................................78

Auror Logs.......................................................... 177

Entertainment. .................................................. 113 Fashion................................................................ 126

STAFF:

Credits. ............................................................... 178

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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Im_Finally_Free, L-ily, NDoraTonks, Eldis_ Administration: Marx0r, Oomps62, Wiksry Layout and Design: KackelDackel, Team-Hufflepuff, Anne_ Seelman, Permagrinfalcon Art: Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows: blxckfire Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: VinumCupio Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: RCGFrostbite Fashion: Siriuslywinchester Magical Plants & Creatures: Ryan814 News & Features: Rysler Sports: ArmyPrivateOctopus99 Travel: mrsvanchamarch Contributors: Anne_seelmann,

Armyprivateoctopus99, Average_texas_guy, AvidReader182, Blxckfire, Caitatoes, Eldis_, ILoveTheLibrary, Im_Finally_Free, K9centipede, KackelDackel, L-ily, Lemursteamer, Lodpugtato, LordPugtato, Lordpugtato, Lordpugtatp, Meddleofmycause, Midnightdragon, Never3nd1g, Permagrinfalcon, Poeticwasteland, Poeticwasteland , Rhia1, Russianvlogger33, Rysler, Silvertail8, SinsationalDoom, Siriuslywinchester, Starflashfairy, StatusCount, The_Architect_Nurse, TriptheFlip12345678, Wheres_Lee, Wiksry

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NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

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QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

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NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

SLYTHERIN BOOK CLUB COME JOIN US! ALL HOUSES WELCOME

R/SLYTHERINBOOKCLUB

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NEWS AND FEAUTURES QUIBBLER

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QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

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QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

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QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

5 Muggle Celebrities That Are Wizards!

1. Samuel Inkoom

Samuel Inkoom is an athlete from Uagadou. He plays the Muggle sport ‘soccer’. In secret, Samuel is on the Central African Republic Quidditch team! He is the Keeper.

2. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson attended Ilvermorny. Dwayne is a metamorphmagus. He turns into rocks on countless occasions. That’s how he was nicknamed, ‘The Rock’.

3. Yoko Ono

Yoko is a musician who attended Mahoutokoro. She had a gold robe at the end of her time there and claims to have been the best in her year.

4. Simon Cowell

Simon attended Hogwarts. He is a judge for a Muggle talent show where he sometimes judges Muggle magic. Gross. He is an Animagus. His Animagus is a house-cat.

5. Elon Musk

Elon is an inventor who went to Uagadou, and lives in the Muggle town, Silicon Valley, in the USA. Some people think he uses magic in his inventions.

The Secret Vampire War V

ampires are hardly ever featured in our world of Harry Potter. The ever-secretive race, for lack of a better word, is hardly seen in the overworld.

It seems that they have literally gone underground. One often wonders if there was a crusade against them by the ministry. Unfortunately, the Guidelines for Treatment Against NonWizards Part-Human clearly forbids the extermination of vampires. So that’s the end of that theory.

What we are going to explore is the Secret Vampire War of 1950 to 1987.

The thirty-seven-year war between three clans of vampires decimated the vampire population. Great horrors were committed in the name of vengeance.

It all started with the vampires Selina and Glosser. Two best friends turned at Vladimir himself at the turn of the seventeenth century.

For decades they hunted together and travelled far and wide. They are as close as peanut butter and fluff.

There was one time, in Saint Olaf, Selina and Glosser met with a kindly old man. Old man Johansson wanted to start a circus. Not just any circus.

But a baby seal circus. But as you know, baby seals were hard to find in Saint Olaf. So the poor man had to settle for a herring circus. And of course The Great Herring War is altogether another story, but the kindly old man was about to lose that war.

Fortunately for him, he met with Selina who loved to eat herring. A deal was struck that all "untalented" herrings

will be pickled and shipped to Selina in exchange for Selina and Glosser's help to eliminate the competition.

unknown to them, there was another vampire in the area called Jack, who was the master of the London faction.

Selina and Glosser made short work of the Lindstroms, leaving only a few survivors, at Glosser's merciful insistence. The old man won ownership rights to the Herring Circus and had a monopoly over the market while the duo had a neverending supply of pickled herrings to enjoy.

Jack was furious! A few of his vambabies were caught in the crossfire and how dare they come to his homeland and hunt without permission. He did not hide for more than a century after his turning and survive this long, forming his own clan and stabilize his reign only to be destroyed by two feuding frenemies.

To thank the duo for their help, Johansson launched a herring out of a cannon as a salute. And we all know what happened after that.

But back to the main point. As the years went by, the Herring supply dwindled. The duo went back to check on the Johansson's only to find that the Lindstrom’s had taken revenge and destroyed the Johansson's herring circus.

Selina was livid. She told Glosser to get rid of every Lindstrom, but Glosser's mercy created this disaster.

The duo fought bitterly and swore off each other. Songs were sung, hurtful words exchanged in the heat of the moment. Bonds broken. The pair separated.

A few more years went by, the duo each had their own faction of vampires that were secretly fighting. The height of the war escalated into a turf war over the London city territories (America was getting hard to live in and most vampires fled to Britain).

A bitter three-way war ensued. Each side making deals with more vampire factions and clans. Almost all the vampires in Britain had to choose a side!

The thirty-seven-year war ended with only the three heads locked in battle.

Most vampires had either been killed or fled in secret.

Morning rose on July 26 1987, with no sign of the three vampires. As vampires turn to dust when they die, we can only guess at the death count of this Secret Vampire War. Till today, the Ministry of Magic is unable to account for the total number of vampire deaths as their wars are fought at night and no one knew what had happened until it was too late to intervene.

And that is why you seldom see or hear of vampires. They are almost an endangered species.

Now Selina's faction and Glosser's faction were killing each other to gain hunting ground rights in London, but 17

QUIBBLER INSERT

ROSE

18

R

ose Tyler walked down the street, rubbing her hands together to shake off any lingering grains of salt after her light dinner of fish and chips at the local chippy. The sun was beginning to set, casting a orange glow around the city, and Rose watched as her shadow took disproportionately long steps ahead of her, long and lanky and nothing like her true form.

At nineteen years old, Rose found she rarely spent much time at her mother’s flat. After finishing school (she’d been shipped off to boarding school at the age of eleven), Rose Tyler spent most of her time in London, where she lived and worked in a old, historic pub.

It had been the talk of the estate when Jackie Tyler had somehow managed to send her eleven-year old daughter to a fancy, top notch boarding school in Scotland, but still kept her small flat in Bucknall House. Jackie had waved them off with simple explanations of scholarships - Rose had been chosen by the school, she explained, and they’d promised a full ride. Of course, money still went into school supplies, for which Rose had made yearly trips to London in late August, the closest location that stocked the books she needed for her schooling.

But now, finished school, Rose’s much loved supplies were kept at her small flat. All except a single item: an elevenand-a-half inch piece of sycamore wood, masterfully carved around a single phoenix tail feather. It had been tucked into the sock on her right foot, hidden under her pant leg.

She felt the deceptively strong wood press into her calf as she suddenly switched her course, making her way towards a shop called Henricks. The doorbell chimed as she stepped into the store, and she ambled around the aisles, trailing her fingers along the delicate materials of the clothing that was hung and folded. The shop was near closing time, and Rose had no intention of making the employees stay late, but she liked to browse the pretty items, and wanted to delay her return to her mother’s flat, where her mum would no doubt rag on her for eating chips for dinner again.

As she held a flowy blouse against her chest and admired it in the mirror, movement in the corner of her eye caught her attention, and she whirled

around, watching the mannequin that she could’ve sworn had just moved its arm carefully.

I’m losing it, Rose thought to herself as she shook her head, hanging the blouse back where she’d found it. If the mannequin had moved, it was likely a loose screw that had caused the arm to droop. She continued to browse, keeping a doubtful eye on the mannequin in question, despite telling herself that it was nonsense. When the other arm lifted, Rose froze. She looked around the shop to see if anyone else had spotted the movement, and was surprised to find herself curiously alone. Had she accidentally entered the store despite it being closed? She was certain the door had been unlocked, and the store shouldn’t close for another half hour.

And yet, there wasn’t a single employee or shopper in sight.

The lights cut suddenly, and Rose found herself reaching for the piece of sycamore at her ankle, holding it forth and whispering a single word.

“Lumos.”

Light burst from the tip of the wood, allowing Rose to see some of her surroundings. No one had entered the shop, no one had come to check on the situation, but the mannequin’s arms definitely continued to move, and she watched with fascination and confusion.

Her heart pounded with excitement in her chest, and her breaths were carefully measured. “Hello?” She called out, eyes still on the mannequin. “Hello, is there anyone there?” No one answered her calls, and she moved further into the store, her curiosity peaked.

The quiet ding of the elevator made her jump, and the doors opened to reveal a man.

He was a fairly tall man - certainly taller than her - with short-cropped hair and a heavy-looking leather jacket that hung off his shoulders like protective armour.

She met his eyes - intense, ice blue eyes - with some surprise. His expression shifted from stern to surprised, but after only a second he strode towards her, grabbed her free hand, gave her a slightly manic smile, and said, “run.”

allowed him to take much larger steps, which translated to her stumbling over her feet as she was unceremoniously dragged towards the back exit of the store. Still tripping over her own feet, she quickly extinguished her makeshift torch and twisted the masterfully carved stretch of wood so that it was hidden from sight, along her wrist and forearm.

The man took no notice of her quick movements, seemingly determined to get her out of the building.

“What’s that then, someone’s idea of a joke?” She asked when they came to a stop.

“A joke?” She heard him shuffle, and felt his arm move into a position in which she assumed he was now looking at her.

She felt his intense gaze on her as he continued to speak in a northern burr, “why would it be a joke?”

“I mean, it’s got to be, right? All the moving mannequins? Someone playin’ a prank? Tryin’ to scare everyone.” She elaborated, struggling to explain herself to this unfamiliar man in this very strange situation.

“That makes sense,” he allowed. “Well done.” The praise was offered quickly and somewhat placadingly, but still sincerely, which left her feeling strangely proud, but still confused.

“Thanks,” she said quickly, unsure of how to respond to his compliment.

“It’s not a prank.” He said simply, opening the back door with a great shove and casting light on himself for the first time since he’d exited the elevator. His dark hair was cropped close to his head, and his prominent brow bones cast a menacing shadows on his eyes, which were bright with excitement and adrenaline. His nose was rather large and long, but it suited his sharp cheekbones and severe expression.

Large ears provided a sort of balance, so that he could almost be called handsome. The rest of him was hidden beneath the beaten leather jacket, a maroon jumper, and what seemed like simple, black trousers.

______

Only someone who knew the cause could be so sure as to refute her perfectly logical suggestion. “Whatever it is, we should call the police.” She said, watching him closely.

He tugged her along, keeping a tight grip on her hand. His longer limbs

“No.” The simple word was a low grumble, leaving no room for argument.

19

He tugged on the hand he still hand and pulled her forwards until she was outside, him still leaning against the heavy door. “Those things are plastic.

Living plastic creatures. They’re being controlled by a relay device on the roof, which would be a great big problem if I didn’t have this,” he pulled a strange looking device from his pockets and showed it to her quickly before lowering again, hiding it from view. “So, I'm going to go up there and blow them up, and I might well die in the process, but don't worry about me. No, you go home.

Go on. Go and have your lovely beans on toast.” The patronizing tone was back as he shooed her away, and she pressed her lips together, ready to argue, but he continued without pause, his voice lowering dangerously. “Don't tell anyone about this, because if you do, you'll get them killed.”

The door slammed shut behind him, and she was left gaping at it.

It reopened just as suddenly, making Rose jump, and the man popped out again, a wild grin on his face.

“I’m the Doctor, by the way,” he said quickly by way of introduction.

“What’s your name?”

She blinked, caught off guard. “Rose.”

“Nice to meet you, Rose,” he said with a polite tilt of his head. Then the grin became near-manic and he shook the device at her, “run for your life!”

The door slammed shut again.

Rose remained where she was for an extra moment, trying to process what had just happened, before she turned and walked quickly away from the building. If the man was looking to cause trouble, she wanted to be as far away from his as possible.

She heard it once she’d crossed the street - the resounding, loud BOOM and the ground shook at her feet.

“Protego duo,” she whispered quickly, and from the sycamore branch in her hand came a burst of light that wrapped itself around her, protecting her from the worst of the explosion. So focused she was on her task, she missed the blue police box parked inconspicuously between two buildings. _____

20

Rose sat on her mother’s small couch, a cuppa held between shaking hands as she watched the news. Oh the small screen, she watched the building she’d been in only last night explode, and the reporter discussed possible causes - arson, gas leak...it was clear that they had no idea, and were simply delivering what they knew to audiences: a building had exploded, causes unclear. She pursed her lips, the magazine that had been forgotten on her lap sliding off and flopping onto the sofa as she shifted her legs. Her mum was in her bedroom, talking loudly on the phone with another woman - Beth - about the explosion, commenting on how often she’d browsed that shop, how she was lucky to be alive, how if it had happened on another day, she might not have been...

Rose ignored her mother’s dramatization of events. She was certain that the fact that the shop had been completely empty wasn’t a mistake, but a careful calculation made by the strange man she’d encountered.

Who was that man? She knew better than to get involved - she did not want the police asking her questions, but still, he’d apparently blown up a building. She recalled the manic grin as he’d waved the device at her before telling her to run, and she wondered if he’d gotten out safely. And why he’d done it in the first place.

“Those things are plastic. Living plastic creatures.”

That was what he’d said: that they were alive.

She didn’t think she believed that.

Rose had seen many strange things in her nineteen years, but she did not think plastic could be alive. She could, however, believe that the plastic had somehow become animated. Sipping her tea, she considered the amount of power it would require to bring mannequins to life in such a way…the thought made an uncomfortable shiver run down her spine and her heart speed up.

Images of explosions and fire danced behind her closed eyelids as her breath quickened, and she swallowed thickly. Though it had been years ago, the heat of the flames, the screams, the noises, the pain...they’d stuck with her, playing in her mind on a loop and making her hands tremble.

Her heart pumped with adrenaline and blood coursed through her veins,

rushing in her ears. Rose could recall all too clearly the last time she’d been so near an explosion of that magnitude. All her memories and fears came flooding back, and she struggled to ground herself.

Take deep breaths. Rose did so, breathing deeply through her nose and exhaling shaky breaths through her mouth.

Notice ten things about your surroundings.

One, she was in her mum’s flat. Two, her tea was cold. Three, the magazine sat open on page 58. Four, she was wearing her favourite pink jumper. Five, there was a small tear in the leather of the couch on the armrest. Six, the blanket on the couch was pink...

She leaned back against the sofa and felt her lips twitch when she realized that her pink jumper matched the pink blanket that had been thrown over the back, and took in her mother’s small flat. Her heart started to calm as she managed to collect herself, a feeling of pride washing quickly over her.

She recalled sitting in the same exact spot, at eleven years old, as a regal, strangely dressed woman delivered news that had changed her life - feeling her mother’s too-tight grip on her arms as years of oddities and unexplainable situations suddenly made sense feeling the strange mix of dread and excitement at the prospect of what was to come - of leaving her mother for months at a time to attend a prestigious but secretive school that would teach her the skills she needed. She recalled the baffled expression on the woman’s weathered face when she’d seen the small telly, and she felt her lips curl into a true smile as the memories hit her, inexplicably, in full force.

Her mother’s flat was small, but it had been home for many years, and the size had never been an issue for Rose, who’d prefered to explore the estate with her best mate, Mickey.

Speak of the devil, she thought wryly as she heard the front door open and close and a twenty-two-year-old Mickey casually walked into the flat, smiling easily at her. Despite the fact that they’d drifted apart when she’d gone away to school, Mickey had remained close with her mum, who was now alone for the

majority of the year. He’d helped her fix the dryer on a number of occasions, and generally kept her company. He was a more regular presence in the flat than Rose herself, and it showed as he sat himself heavily on the couch next to Rose, tossing the magazine aside and throwing his arm over her shoulders.

“Came to check on you and Jackie,” he said easily, “you weren’t there, were you?”

Rose smiled lightly at him. “No,” she lied, “I was out gettin’ chips.”

Mickey chuckled and squeezed her shoulders. “Predictable,” he joked, and Rose’s smile became genuine. Her love of chips was no secret. He gestured to the telly, “do they knew what happened?”

“No,” Rose shrugged. “Just that it’ll probably be unsalvageable.”

“I could have died!” Jackie’s voice carried over into the small living room, and Mickey chuckled again as Jackie continued to prattle on.

“She wasn’t anywhere near it, was she?”

He whispered to Rose, a knowing grin on his face. Mickey was all too familiar with Jackie’s love of drama and gossip.

Rose let out a huff of a laugh and shook her head before taking a sip of her tea just as Jackie hung up the call and blustered into the living room.

“Mickey! Heard about it, did you?

Coming to make sure we’re safe?

You’re so considerate, sweetheart,” she fawned over him, throwing suggestive looks at Rose.

This wasn’t new to Rose - she knew her mum’s fondness for Mickey and their easy friendship meant that her mother hoped the two of them would get together. He’s got a good job, love, she’d tell Rose over the phone, he’s such a good friend to you, he’d take care of you, you know.

Of course Rose knew these things.

Mickey was a kind soul who genuinely cared for her and her mother. He was a good looking man with an easy smile and a willingness to help. He had a job and a flat of his own, he paid his bills, and lived a quiet life.

A quiet life, however, didn’t interest Rose.

Her years of schooling had opened her eyes to a new world - one she knew Mickey would never truly understand,

one in which he would never fit, but one that she loved. It was a world that filled her with curiosity and a desire for adventure. Her pub job and small flat had led her mum to believe that an easy life was all that Rose wanted from life, but truthfully, Rose’s mind was full of possibilities to learn more and to explore - it was something that she knew Mickey would never understand about her.

“Just came to check in, make sure you were alright,” Mickey smiled at Jackie, who cradled the phone close to her chest as she smiled back before, once again, lifting her eyebrows suggestively at Rose, who purposefully ignored her mother in favour of studying her tea closely. “I was just heading down to the pub, there’s a match on. Want to come?”

He asked Rose, who tensed up slightly. “‘M’alright,” she replied, ignoring Jackie’s disgruntled eyeroll.

“Have fun.”

Mickey, seeming to have expected this, nodded and pressed a quick kiss to Rose’s temple. “See you later then, babe.”

He said before heaving himself up and waving to Jackie, heading back out the door without needing to be seen out.

Jackie opened her mouth, undoubtedly to once again press upon Rose how good a match he was for her, but Rose held up her hand and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t start.” __

both worked and lived. The boring flat, however, was a small price to pay to be constantly immersed in her own world, and to not have her mother underfoot.

“How ‘bout Mickey, then?” her mum wasted no time when she joined Rose at the table later that morning.

Rose sighed loudly. “Mum,” she dragged out, not willing to have this conversation so early (or at all).

“Well, he’s alright, isn’t he? He’d be good to you.” Her mum continued anyway, ignoring Rose’s eye roll.

“Mum, you know it wouldn’t work,” Rose said drily. “You know that. And if it’s all you can talk about, I’m goin’ to stop coming to visit.”

“Oh, stop it,” Jackie snapped. “I’m just lookin’ out for you, sweetheart.”

Rose said nothing as she stood up to clean her now-empty mug, not willing to answer her mother. She heard Jackie stand, muttering to herself, and head into her bedroom. She sighed loudly, placing the mug in the drying rack and turning to head back into her own bedroom, when a noise caught her attention.

“Mum, I told you to nail that flap down - you’re gunna get strays!” She huffed, moving towards the door to see if she could spot the stray animal that had no doubt made its way into the flat.

When Rose woke the next morning, she rolled out of bed, taking in the small room on what she knew was her last morning in her mum’s flat before heading back to her own. Her mum hadn’t changed a thing since Rose had moved away - the walls were a violent shade of pink, the sheets, comforter, and curtains equally loud shades of the same colour - and Rose smirked and shook her head. She’d always liked pink, but even she could see that this room was excessive.

“I did it weeks back!” Jackie called back.

“How can you even sleep in this room?”

Mickey had asked her once. “If it were me, I’d have a hell of a headache.”

The small frame outline a familiar face, and Rose pulled back in surprise, the ornate wood still in her hand, as she stood and yanked the door open, coming face to face with the man she’d met last night.

“Good thing it ain’t you, then, innit?”

She’d snapped back, though privately she’d known what he’d meant. The colours, however loud they were, were a nice change after the bland and damaged walls of her flat in The Leaky Cauldron, the pub where she

Rose rolled her eyes. “You thought about it,” she muttered, frowning when she saw four nails scattered on the floor in front of the flap. She knelt down and picked one up, examining it carefully. As she did so, the flap moved, making her jump. What the hell, she thought, her heart quickening. Pulling the sycamore from its usual place, tucked into her sock, she poked at the flap, lifting it up so that she could see what was outside.

“What are you doin’ here?” He asked rudely, his severe eyebrows furrowed into a frown over his eyes and long nose, his gaze sharp. He was dressed 21

the same - leather jacket over a jumper (same maroon jumper, she noticed), dark pants - but his voice was quiet and lighter than last night, though it still carried the northern burr that made his words sound slightly exotic. He seemed genuinely confused to see her, though his expression was as severe and intense as it had been last night.

“It’s my mum’s,” she answered, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world and he should have known that. What was she doing here? The actual question that needed to be asked was what was he doing here? Her mind raced as she tried to consider how he had ended up on her mother’s doorstep.

Had he followed her here? How long had he been there - all night? How had he gotten out of the shop, without a scratch on him?

“Well, what for?” He demanded, acting as though that was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. He stepped forward and shifted his weight to his other side, leaving forward slightly and watching her a tad too closely for comfort.

Her grip on the sycamore wood, hidden behind the door still, tightened.

“Because it is,” she replied snarkily, wondering if he was particularly thick.

What kind of question was that?

The man - he’d called himself The Doctor last night - reached into a pocket in his coat and pulled out a strange device - a sort of silver tube with a blue end that lit up and warbled oddly.

“Must’ve followed the wrong signal,” he said, seemingly to himself, as he frowned at the device. “You’re not plastic, are you?” He reached forward and knocked on Rose’s forehead, shocking her with his forward and very odd behaviours. And she had met some very odd people in her life. “No, bone head. Bye, then.” He turned to leave.

Absolutely not! Rose thought, irritated.

She wasn’t letting this strange man get away from her twice. She needed to know what was going on, and he was the one to tell her.

She quickly jammed the carved wood into her back pocket and reached forward, grabbing his leather-covered arm, seemingly catching him off guard.

“You, inside. Right now.” She pulled him into the flat (though she got the distinct feeling that he was allowing 22

himself to be moved, and that, had he wanted to get away, he certainly could have). He watched her with a baffled expressed and she pushed him to the wall and closed the door behind him, then looked around the flat, the confused look remained on his face as he took in his new surroundings and tucked the strange silver tube back into his coat.

“Who is it?” Jackie called from her bedroom.

Rose stepped into her mother’s doorway.

“Someone from work. Give us a couple minutes?” While it was phrased as a question, Rose knew that, despite her initial excitement about Rose’s prospects, her daughter’s years at school had changed the way she’d seen things.

Jackie had no desire to be involved in the oddities of Rose’s life, and knowing that it was someone from her work would surely keep Jackie away.

Jackie’s expression darkened slightly and she shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, though Rose could see the distrust in her eyes. “Alright, then,” she said, frowning when Rose stepped towards the interior of the flat, a tall man following her. She immediately noticed how different he was compared to the people she normally associated with her daughter’s strange world, and her eyes narrowed. “You don’t dress like the rest of them, then?” She snarked, catching the man’s attention.

He stopped in her doorway and frowned at her, apparently ignoring the fact that she was dressed only in her dressing gown. “The rest of who?” He asked, confused.

Rose reappeared in the doorway, having heard her mother’s comment, and sent her mother a glare. “Leave it,” she ordered, leaving no room for arguments, and grabbed the man’s arm, dragging him away.

She led the Doctor into her living room, leaving him in the living room while she bustled about the kitchen, gathering things to make tea as she tried to collect her thoughts. “Coffee or tea?” She offered quickly.

“Coffee, thanks. Just milk,” he replied absent-mindedly as he took in the small flat curiously. There was something strange about this girl, though he couldn’t quite put his finger

on it. He hadn’t gotten the same air of strangeness from the mother, so it was just the girl, Rose. Even with his time senses, which were rather weak in this body, he could sense how time flowed and bended around her in a way that it didn’t with regular humans.

But he’d held her hand as he’d dragged her out of the shop last night - she was the right temperature, she had the right heartbeat, her skin felt human. There was no tickle of telepathy when he’d touched her skin, no sign that she might not be human.

And yet…

He flipped through a magazine that had been left on the table, muttering to himself as he glanced at the humdrum articles and boring things that humans found so interesting, for reasons he couldn’t fathom. He tossed it aside carelessly and wandered about, making himself at home in the cramped flat while Rose made the drinks. He found a bit of mail and picked it up. “Rose Tyler,” he read aloud, testing the name on his new tongue and founding it rolled off of it quite nicely. A good name, he thought idly as he looked around, catching his reflection in the mirror for the first time. “Ah, could’ve been worse,” he observed lightly, taking in the new face and examining it without his usual vanity. “Look at the ears,” he murmured, frowning as he reached up and wiggled them with his new fingers, noticing how they stuck out from his head.

Looking away from his reflection, he picked up a stack of cards and set about doing tricks that his previous body had been able to do effortlessly. The cards, however, seemed to have a mind of their own and flew out of his hands, falling onto the floor in a strange version of 52 pickup - one in which he would not, in fact, pick up the cards. “Maybe not,” he muttered to himself. The clap of the catflap caught his attention, and quick, tapping footsteps followed as the beast scurried into the house. “What’s that then?” He asked, loudly enough for Rose, who was still in the kitchen prepping his coffee, to hear. He walked over to the couch, where the pattering steps had stopped, and leaned over the back of it. “Have you got a cat?”

“No,” Came Rose’s reply from the kitchen.

The creature - certainly not a cat launched itself at the Doctor from behind the sofa. A mannequin hand (no doubt from the shop he’d blown up) attached itself to his face, covering his nose and mouth, and gripped hard.

Despite his exhaustive efforts to remove the thing, it remained latched on, apparently trying to suffocate the life out of him. __ Rose reentered the living room at that moment, a mug of coffee (just milk) for him and a cuppa for her, and gasped in alarm at the sight before her. She placed the mugs on the glass table, perhaps a tad too heavily in her haste, and yanked the sycamore wand from her back pocket, pointing it at the mannequin arm. She flicked her wand in a quick M motion and thought immobulus as loudly as she could in her mind, focusing heavily on her target.

The arm stilled immediately, and the Doctor yanked it off his face as Rose hastily tucked the wand back into her sock and covered it with her trousers.

“Must’ve lost the signal,” the Doctor murmured, looking at the frozen arm curiously. “Well, that’ll be all then, I think.” He stood to leave, taking the arm with him, the drinks on the coffee table forgotten in the commotion.

“Hold on!” Rose called as he opened the door, ignoring her sputtered protests and making his way back outside. “You can’t just go swannin’ off !”

“Yes, I can,” He replied lightly, not turning back to look at her as he quickly and lightly made his way down the stairs of Bucknall House. “Here I am, this is me, swannin’ off. See you!”

She scoffed as she followed him down the stairs, staying close. “That thing tried to kill you, and you’re gunna take it with you?” She continued to press as they speedily made their way down the staircase.

“Ten out of ten for observation,” the Doctor retorted.

“You’ve got to tell me what’s goin’ on,” Rose demanded, not letting him out of her sight. This man - this Doctor dealt with objects come to life as though they were an everyday occurence for him.

He’d apparently (and nonchalantly)

blown up a building to try to stop them, rather than using any means she might have considered more traditional, and seemed determined to make his way out of his life without explaining anything to her.

Tough.

“No, I don’t,” still not turning to look at her as he reached the bottom of the stairs and shoved the door aside, hearing it slam against the wall as he stalked off, and the jogging footsteps of his tail behind him. He rolled his eyes.

“You said those shop window dummies were alive.” She pressed anyway, running lightly so that she reached his side and then matching his quick pace.

He took much longer strides than she did, and it was a struggle to keep up, but she was desperate for answers.

He didn’t look at her, keeping his eyes straight ahead. “Yes.” “Are all the shop window dummies alive?”

He seemed hard-pressed to ignore her, despite his previous refusal to explain himself. “Yes,” he replied testily.

She was silent for a moment, contemplating this, and the Doctor thought he’d finally lost her interest just a mad man with a mannequin arm but she continued to walk with him, and he found himself curious as to what she was thinking about.

After several moments, she spoke. “That would take a lot of power.” She said cautiously, watching him out of the corner of her eyes.

He looked down at her, a confused and curious frown on his face. “Yes.” She was silent once more, and she swallowed and bit her lips together, contemplating once more. If this was real - if shop dummies were being brought to life and trying to suffocate people in their homes (or, rather, her home), then shouldn’t she get involved? Should she notify someone?

It wouldn’t be difficult to send a letter from her own flat, but she still didn’t know for sure if this was a big enough problem. This man was crazy, for all she knew, and she wasn’t going to be the one running around, crying wolf.

She looked up at the man at her side

again, studying his profile as he kept his eyes forward, moving quickly away from her mum’s flat.

“What did you say your name was again?” She asked, trying to get a better understanding of who he was and what he was doing.

“Told you. The Doctor.”

She rolled her eyes. “Doctor what?”

“Just the Doctor,” he replied breezily, his lips quirking into a small smile as though this were a question he heard frequently.

Which was likely, considering he was going around calling himself the Doctor.

“The Doctor,” she repeated incredulously.

He waved goofily at her, a silly smile on his face. “Hello!” The smile remained on his face, even after he’d turned back around to face forward once more. He found this funny, she realized. Her confusion, her pushing his buttons...this was fun for him.

She let out an amused tsk. “Alright, then, Doctor.” His smile widened impossibly more as she emphasized what she believed to be an alias of sorts.

“Are you some sort of...police?” She didn’t believe for a second that this man was police, but she needed to hear him explain what he was, who he was. None of this was making any sense.

“No,” he scoffed as though this were the most ridiculous question he’d ever heard. “I was just passin’ through. I’m a long way from home.”

That answered none of her questions.

“Did you bring that arm into my mum’s flat?” She asked more seriously, keeping pace with him still as they walked but making sure she could see his face.

She needed the truth, and she didn’t want her mother involved in any sort of danger. Not from anyone.

He seemed positively confused. “Why would I do that?”

She walked in front of him and stopped, meeting his gaze. He stopped as well, perhaps a few inches too close to her, looking down at her with intense, stormy blue eyes darkened by his prominent brow ridge. “It didn’t show up in that flat until you did.”

23

“It tried to kill me, remember?” He snapped at her, walking around her and striding away again, and she was once again jogging to keep up with him.

“This has got nothing to do with you.

It was after me, not you. Last night, in the shop, I was there, you blundered in, almost ruined the whole thing. This morning, I was tracking it down, it was tracking me down. You were just the meeting point.”

“So the whole world revolves are you, does it?” She asked drily, raising her eyebrows at him and motioning with her hands.

He shrugged and smirked. “Sort of, yeah.” He replied easily, his smirk widening into a full, cocky grin.

She found herself laughing. “You’re full of it!” She said with a smile, watching him with disbelief all over her face.

“Sort of, yeah,” he said again, and she laughed in disbelief and confusion as he continued to grin as though he was proud of a particularly silly joke he’d told.

There were a couple steps where they walked in silence, and the Doctor didn’t seem to realize that he had slightly slowed his pace, allowing Rose to keep up with his strut. In the back of her mind, Rose wondered where it was they were going, or if he was simply trying to shake her. The latter seemed unlikely, as she was now struggling less to keep in pace with him. “So this livin’ plastic,” she broke the silence, the words sounding silly on her tongue, “it’s dangerous?”

“Is it dangerous?” He repeated, looking at her with raised eyebrows and wide, mocking eyes, the previous, happy - if slightly manic - smile gone from his expression. “Did you miss that it tried to suffocate me?”

“Alright,” Rose huffed, rolling her eyes.

The Doctor looked away from her, turning his eyes forward once more, and shook his head once, as though in disbelief or disappointment at her naivety. “So it’s dangerous. Who else knows about it?” In retrospect, the question had been rather redundant, but as she was dealing with something entirely new and a man who seemed unwilling to share any information, she felt he could give her some leeway.

“No one,” he replied shortly, glancing down at her briefly, his expression dark 24

and serious, more reminiscent of the man she’d met the night before.

Her steps slowed for a moment as she considered this, shocked. “What...you’re on your own?” She asked quietly.

He took a couple steps before answering, apparently contemplating his words. “Well, who else is there?” He finally said, shrugging his shoulders and widening his arms as though to show her the empty street. “I mean, you lot, all you do it eat chips, go to bed, and watch telly…”

Who was you lot, she wondered. And who was he if not a part of her lot? “...while all the time, underneath you, there’s a war goin’ on.” He finished, his voice mocking and irritated.

Time seemed to stop for a moment, and Rose felt the blood rush in her ears, blocking out all other sounds. Her vision seemed to go black and fire burned around the edges, lights flashing and curses flying. Her breath stuttered and her extremities seemed to go numb.

“What?” She croaked, apparently catching his attention as he turned to look at her with a curious expression. __ The Doctor heard the girl’s steps cease and her breath catch, then come in short, desperate gasps. “What?” she rasped out, her voice coming out in a distorted sort of way, making him turn to look at her.

The blood seemed to have drained from her face, leaving her pale, and her eyes had widened, the pupils dilated unnaturally. Her hands had balled into tight fists at her sides, and they seemed to be shaking. He advanced on her, wondering what had caused such a reaction in her. The dilated pupils, the shaking, the shortness of breath...these were all behaviours that he recognized.

“What’s wrong with you?” He asked in his casual, northern-accented voice.

“War?” Rose repeated, her voice unsteady still. “What war?”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. Typical human, had no idea what was truly going on - what the universe was dealing with in the aftermath of the War. “Not your problem,” he said shortly, turning around once more to

leave this particularly human behind.

She, however, grabbed onto his arm with a surprisingly strong grip and pulled back, just enough to put him off balance, if not enough to actually stop him. But the intent was there, and he turned back to face her. Her face was still pale, her hands still unsteady despite the strong hold she had on his arm. “Tell me.” She demanded.

He looked at her closely, examining her serious expression. It was an expression he’d seen many times, mostly of the faces of soldiers or of those who had seen battle. Not on the faces of teen girls from twenty-first-century Britain.

His eyebrows raised and the corner of his mouth pulled down as he considered her, then decided that if she wanted to know, then maybe she should. “The source projected life into the arm,” he waved it at her, “Something cut off the signal. But the source uses thought control, and it’s not just the one arm.

All the plastic is coming to life to do the bidding of the consciousness - to take over the planet.”

She seemed to this about this for several moments, looking at him intently as though trying to determine whether or not he was telling the truth. He knew she would see no deception in his severe features. “What’s the consciousness, then? Who is it?” She asked.

She asked good questions, this small human, but questions that he didn’t want to answer none-the-less. “Long story,” he said instead, his tone suggesting he would no expand further on this.

Rose seemed to pick up on this, though he could tell from the twitch in the corner of her mouth that she was not happy with the answer. “What for? Why shop dummies?” She pressed instead.

He shrugged and began walking once more, heading towards his TARDIS. She matched his steps, walking alongside him as though they were friends. “It’s got nothing to do with the dummies, they’re just what happened to come to life. Don’t worry, it’s not a price war,” he said with a laugh and a smile, trying to draw out her smile once again, disliking the serious expression on her face that made her seem far too old.

But her smile was nowhere to be found, and his dropped in response. “The consciousness - and all the dummies -

they want to overthrow the human race and take over the planet.” He explained concisely, deciding to see how she would take such a blunt answer. “Do you believe me?”

She took her time before answering, and he assumed she was carefully considering everything she’d said. “I’m not sure.” She answered honestly, and he while appreciated that she didn’t try to lie to him to pry more details out, her answer left him curious. What kind of human believed that plastic could come to life? Human children, with their wild imaginations and ability to see what adults were likely to ignore, were perhaps more likely to believe the truth, but this girl - young as she was - was no human child. Why, then, was she more open to the possibility of the truth?

What made this particularly human girl so special?

“But you’re still listenin’,” he said cockily and with a touch of intensity and darkness in his tone. They’d reached his TARDIS now. He could see the nondescript blue police box sitting casually just across the street, waiting for him.

“So who are you, then, workin’ alone to stop whatever is controllin’ these dummies?” She asked, stopping again.

He turned and walked the few steps he’d taken back towards her, coming in close as he met her gaze, seeing the intensity in her eyes and the stiff way she held herself, seeing the soldier in the guise of a child and wondering how it had gotten there. “You know how you said, about the world revolvin’?” A true, pure smile graced his face as he thought of the beauty that existed on this world and beyond it, and his eyes glazed over as he stopped only a few inches away from her, staring at nothing in particular but seeing entire worlds in his mind, “it’s like when you’re a kid, the first time they tell you the world’s turnin’ and you just can’t quite believe it because everythin’ looks like it’s standin’ still.” He turned his head and stormy blue eyes met light, warm brown. “I can feel it. The turn of the earth.” He reached forward and took her hand, holding onto it tightly and feeling her pulse quicken slightly at his words. “The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, and the entire planet is hurtling round the sun at sixty seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to

the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go…”

He dropped her hand.

“That’s who I am. Now forget me, Rose Tyler. Go home.”

He turned and walked away, not sparing her another glance. She didn’t call out to him again, but he could feel her gaze on his back as he crossed the street. His entire body seemed to ache to go back to her, to take her hand again, to take her with him into his box, but he continued to walk forward, his brows pulling into a frown as he pressed his lips together and refused to allow himself to say anything else. He knew she was still watching him as he unlocked the door to his ship and stepped into it. And he knew she was on the TARDIS’s monitor - though he refused to look up at the screen - as he dematerialized. __ Since Diagon Alley hosted no library, Rose found herself feeling as though she were back at school, travelling between bookshops to find any information available on the mysterious Doctor and his disappearing box. She had briefly considered going to a muggle library first, or using Mickey’s computer to search the internet, but had changed her mind almost immediately, realizing that it was highly unlikely that the muggles knew anything about the strange man.

It would be a last resort, she decided.

Should her wizarding reading materials turn up empty, she would have to expand her search.

As such, she carried a notebook and pen (while she could appreciate the quills favoured by wizards, she much prefered the muggle writing device), knowing that she would not be able to collect all the relevant books and take them back to her room. Stepping foot inside Flourish and Blotts made her lips twitch into the smallest of smiles, as she was brought back to shopping for school materials before her terms began each year. She dodged piles of books that leaned impossibly far over while somehow remaining upright, and ducked under a small arch made of hardcovers. She weaved her way through the groups of witches and wizards who browsed the titles, picking books off the shelves that caught their attention. A tall wizard in bright, purple robes yelped

and dropped his copy of Most Macabre Monstrosities as the image of the creature he had been reading about let out a piercing shriek that had obviously caught him off guard. He looked rather embarrassed as he quickly picked up the books and slammed it shut, jamming it back onto the shelf rather aggressively.

As she made her way to the back of the shop, the crowd thinned, and she found herself in a small, quiet nook of the shop, surrounded by nothing but shelves and stacks of books. She glanced through the titles, ignoring Famous Fire Eaters and Fifteenth Century Fiends, skipped over Healing at Home with Herbs, An Appraisal of Magical Education in Europe and Omens, Oracles and the Goat. She pulled Notable Magical Names of our Time out from a stack of books that leaned precariously, but left My Life as a Muggle and The Decline of Pagan Magic behind. A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry was picked off the shelf, as was Apparating: A Guide to Efficient Transportation.

Three books in hand, she wandered through the shop until she came across a small table with a single empty chair, and dropped her things rather heavily, earning herself a few glares from nearby wizards and witches, who had obviously tried to escape the crowds and noise to settle in to read. She pushed A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry and Apparating: A Guide to Efficient Transportation aside and pulled Notable Magical Names of our Time to her, flipping it open to the D section and scanning through the names, hoping to come across Doctor, the. She found Dimitrov, Vasili; Dippet, Armando; Duke, Kirley; and Dumbledore, Albus P.W.B, but to her irritation, no Doctor, the. She huffed quietly and turned the the T section, wondering if he was perhaps listed at The Doctor instead, but had no luck. Irritated and figuring that he had used some sort of alias (what kind of name was the Doctor anyway?) Rose closed the book rather loudly and shoved it aside, then pulled A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry closer.

While this book provided her with quite a bit of fascinating information, it had no information about living plastic, disappearing blue Police Public Call Boxes, or anyone called the Doctor. It did, however, have a short section on hidden doors and magically concealed 25

entrance ways, so she quickly jotted down a few notes in her notebook before closing her book and shoving it away from her as well.

Apparating: A Guide to Efficient Transportation contained no information about bewitched objects or vessels that could be used as sorts of vehicles during apparation or as sorts of teleport, which she found frustrating, as she could not think of any other word to describe the disappearance of the box.

Had it simply become invisible, rather than left? She flipped through the pages - rather aimlessly, at this point - and let her mind wander. Perhaps it had been a sort of trick, meant to get her to leave him alone. With this in mind, she went searching for books on defensive and protective spells and enchantments.

The Book of Charms and Spells was added to her reference materials, as was Charms of Defence and Deterrence. The possibility that the strange blue box had simply been transfigured to look as it did made her grab A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration as she browsed through the titles. Impulsively, she also grabbed Magic in North America.

But The Book of Charms and Spells, Charms of Defence and Deterrence, A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration, nor Magic in North America turned up anything that helped her in her search.

While the vanishment section of A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration had seemed promising, Rose had seen the spell in practice many times (students studying for they O.W.Ls tended to practice vanishment obsessively, as it was notoriously difficult) and she knew that the spell produced neither the strange sound the box had emitted as it disappeared, nor did it cause objects to flash in and out of existed as they faded.

Many of the spells listed in both The Book of Charms and Spells and Charms of Defence and Deterrence were ones she was all too familiar with - Protego Totem, Protego Horribilis and Protego Maxima, Cave Inimicum, Salvio Hexia...

She nearly growled in frustration, putting the books back in their respective places rather aggressively.

While useful in their own right, none of the spells listed seemed to explain the disappearing box and the strange man supposedly called the Doctor.

Irritated, Rose pulled her ten-andthree-quarter-inch sycamore wand from its place in her sock and transfigured 26

her muggle pen into a small police public call box, calling the image from her memories and watched as the pen warped and bent until it was no longer a pen. The figurine she now held was small, and she spun it in her hand, twisting it and turning with with her fingers as though it could provide answers, despite just being a miniature version of what she had seen.

“But Mr. Fortescue…”

“There’s nothing you can do.” A hand grabbed her elbow and yanked. “But you can’t stay here and wonder. We have to move!”

Several hours had passed by the time Rose left Flourish and Blotts, no closer to an answer. She still did not know who this Doctor was, nor did she understand how his blue box had flashed out of existence, or the apparent living plastic that had very nearly killed them both. On a whim, she made a quick stop at Diagon Alley’s second-hand book shop, but found only brittle and dusty versions of the same books she had found in Flourish and Blotts. Frustrated and needing to cheer herself up, she decided to make a quick stop at Florean Fortescue’s, the ice cream parlour that was always bustling with life in Diagon Alley.

“Alright there, young lady?”

When she arrived at the busy shop, she stopped, taking in the large window and cheerful, bright orange and whitestriped awning that covered the tables for witches and wizards who wished to sit down to eat their treats. After the War, the shop had been rebuilt and renovated - though the name had remained unchanged in honour of the founder of the shop who had been a casualty of the War - and seemed to sparkle with joy and warmth. One could hardly be in a bad mood while they ate the sundays and sweet confections of Florean Fortescue’s, after all. But Rose remembered seeing the shop in shambles - windows broken, door hanging on it’s hinges.

“Oh my god.”

“Keep moving. Move! They get you when you stop.”

“But - “ “They’ve gone through already, though!”

“Do you think they won’t come again?

Don’t be stupid. Now that they’ve claimed Diagon Alley they may as well set up camp here. We’re not staying.”

“What could he have done though?”

“Anything. Maybe nothing. Who knows?

But if we stop here and wonder about it, we’re dead.”

Rose was snapped out of her thoughts by an old-looking wizard, with a lovely blue wizard’s hat decorated in silver moons and stars, and the matching, expensive-looking robes.

He was looking at her with a confused frown on his face, concern shining in deep brown eyes.

She realized she must look a fool, a young woman, dressed very strangely considering her location (she hadn’t bothered to change out of her muggle clothes) staring blankly at an ice cream parlour, and she shook her head to clear her mind, frustrated at herself for letting her memories get the best of her. “Fine, thanks,” she answered the old wizard, who frowned and continued to look at her intensely. “Just lost in my thoughts.”

The wizard didn’t seem to believe her, his large nose twitching slightly as he regarded her. His gaze dropped and seemed to catch the small blue box she still held in her hand. “That’s a curious little thing, innit?” He said idly, gesturing towards it.

Rose looked at the miniature police box in surprise. “Yeah, I guess,” she acknowledged, shrugging her shoulders.

“Some sort of muggle toy, then?” The old wizard continued, looking at the box curiously.

“No,” Rose replied automatically, then blinked, confused, “I mean, yes. Why do you ask?”

“Well, they’ve got pictures of them things over at the Museum, haven’t they?” The wizard answered, gesturing towards a small alley. “Same sort of thing, except the pictures they’ve got are bigger.”

“Pictures?” Rose repeated, her heart speeding up as she considered that perhaps she’d been wrong to eliminate

muggle resources from her research. “At the museum?”

The look the old wizard gave her was one that seemed to say young people today in a disappointed sort of way, as though she was failing by not knowing what muggle artifacts there were at the museum. “That’s right.

The Museum of Muggle Curiosities, down at Carkitt Market.”

Rose looked at the old man in surprise, her mouth hanging open slightly and her eyes wide. She then looked down at the blue box in her hand, and her lips twitched into a small smile. This was it, she hoped. She could actually get some answers. She thanked the old man and took off toward the Carkitt Market at a quick jog, ice cream forgotten. She didn’t see the old man shake his head at her.

As Rose turned to a small, narrow alley off of Diagon Alley, the crowds thinned.

Neither the Carkitt Market nor Horizont Alley were ever as busy as Diagon Alley, who housed by far the more popular shops. She passed the apothecary where she’d gotten many supplies for potions while at school, and the House-Elf Placement Agency, which she’d never actually been in. The Hopping Pot seemed to be quite busy, despite the quieter nature of this particular area, but then, she supposed, not everyone could always be in Diagon Alley.

She slowed to a walk as she made her way down the cobblestone street, not wanting to miss the building she was looking for: the Museum of Muggle Curiosities. As a muggleborn herself, Rose hadn’t seen the point of visiting such a place, where they undoubtedly would have many things wrong about their few muggle artifacts. Muggles had always seemed to perplex wizards, as though they couldn’t quite understand how the non-magic folk managed to make their way through life without magic to help them.

The museum itself had a small storefront, similar to many of the shops in Diagon Alley. The wood was rather worn and patched-looking, as though it were quite old, and had been painted a bright purple. An assortment of muggle technologies - an old-looking telly, a microwave, an electric fan, a lamp - were displayed in the front window, and she smiled at the fact that many of the aged ‘artifacts’ were quite familiar to her, as

she’d never had very modern utilities on the estate with her mum. The words Museum of Muggle Curiosities was written in large writing over the door and windows in a mint-green sort of colour that clashed rather violently against the purple of the rest of the shop. Rose had noticed, since her introduction to the wizarding world, that wizards seemed to prefer loud sort of colours with no consideration of whether or not they actually paired well together.

A young boy had his face pressed against the glass, looking at the items in awe. “Look, mum,” he said excitedly.

“Look at that!” He pointed at the fan.

“What does that do?”

jacket was a vibrant blue with brown leather patches at the elbows. The blue bowtie haphazardly tied around his neck boasted yellow rubber duckies, and his oxford was a mix of pastel blues, pinks, and yellows. His wispy white hair had been quickly tidied but remained rather wild, and large glasses made from silver wire rested on his long and slightly crooked nose. He seemed to be taking her in as well, his crinkled eyes taking note of her simple grey t-shirt, pink hoodie, and blue jeans.

“Hello,” she said with a small smile at the man, who smiled back at her.

“I don’t know, Thomas,” a young witch who was clearly the boy’s mother said.

The boy seemed crestfallen at the lack of an answer, so Rose jumped in.

“Anything I can help you with, dear?” He offered kindly. He had a light, calm sort of voice. “I’d be willing to bet you know more about many of these things than I do,” he said knowingly, winking at her.

“It’s called a fan,” she supplied, and the boy - Thomas - whirled around to face her, his eyes wide. “See those white bits inside the cage? They spin really fast and make wind. Muggles use them to cool themselves off when it’s hot.”

“Possibly,” she answered, showing the man the miniature blue phone box.

“I’m looking for a larger model of this.

Big enough to fit a person in it,” she explained. “And any information you might have on it.”

The mother shook her head, a fond smile on her face. “The things muggles come up with,” she mused, taking they boy’s hand and leading him away.

The old man took the box into his wrinkled hand and twisted it, examining it carefully. “Ah, yes. Muggle police boxes. Funny sort of things.”

The inside of the Museum resembled many of the insides of the shops she’d visited in Diagon Alley - it was rather cramped, and packed with far too many items for its small size. There were piles of muggle books stacked treacherously high and that seemed entirely random.

Cinderella, The Giving Tree, On the Origin of Species, and Gone With the Wind were stacked together, and several model airplanes hung from the ceiling.

They were hastily labeled with names such as children’s toy and airplane miniature model. The microwave in the front window was labeled food-heating device and an electric lamp was called muggle lighting. She turned the switch and the bulb flickered to life, giving off a dull yellow glow. She smiled and flicked it off again.

“You know what it is?” She asked eagerly.

“Hello!” A voice interrupted her examination of the familiar items. She looked up and found herself facing a surprised looking shopkeeper (or perhaps a curator?) wearing mismatched muggle clothes - his pants were a sort of orange and green plaid, his shoes were aged-looking oxfords. His suit

“Yes, of course,” the man said, “muggles used to have these police boxes on their streets. Like miniature police stations, they were. Muggle police mean could use them as temporary offices to fill in or read reports, or sometimes hold prisoners until transport could arrive. I don’t believe muggles have used police boxes in many years.”

He explained, passing back the small blue box and tucking his hands into his trouser pockets.

“Really?” So it was a muggle invention then, this disappearing police box?

“And...it wasn’t transport itself, was it?”

The old man seemed confused at the question, his white brows pulling into a frown over his eyes. “No, no, of course not. It was just a box.”

Rose bit her lip, frowning at the model in her palm. She considered her words carefully before she spoke. “It’s just...I’ve seen one, recently, and a man went in it, and then it sort of...disappeared.”

27

“Disappeared?”

She nodded. “At first I thought it must be magical - muggles can’t just disappear, but I couldn’t find any information on anything like it at Flourish and Blotts, even though there has to be a book that has information on it somewhere, hasn’t there?”

The curator regarded her for several moments, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly as he did. Rose swallowed thickly, the heavy silence making her uncomfortable. Her heart seemed to pound in her ears as the man thought out his answer to her question, and she chewed her lip nervously as she waited for what he might say.

“The...man...who went into the police box. Did he, perchance, tell you his name?” He finally asked, the slight waiver in his voice exposing his feigned nonchalance.

Rose’s heart sped up in her chest. This man had answers. Who else would ask such a peculiar question? He didn’t want to know more about the strange, disappearing muggle police box, but the name of the man who’d entered it? Yes, she’d finally found something promising.

“He said he was called the Doctor.”

The man’s breath caught in his chest and he coughed slightly, then swallowed visibly looked at her with something like fear in his eyes. He waved a wrinkled hand and turned away from her, heading through the too-short doorway into a smaller, less organized room.

Papers, folders, and books covered every surface of the small room - desk, shelves, even most of the floor was littered with them, and Rose stepped carefully around them to avoid causing any damage. The curator moved through the mess with ease, the path she’d carefully followed to avoid any destruction obviously coming naturally to him. This mess, then, was obviously the regular state of his office. The cracked, damaged looking walls were covered in a curious of muggle and magical artifacts - moving portraits tracked the two as they entered the room while the still muggle photographs remained unmoving as ever, a single moment in time captured the lens of a clever muggle invention. Old issues of The Daily Prophet, proclaiming GRINGOTTS BREAK-IN and QUEEN’S CORGI 28

TURNS INTO HAMSTER seemed oddly juxtaposed against the muggle headlines, MAN STEPS ON TO MOON, BEATLEMANIA SWEEPS US, and ENGLAND AT WAR WITH GERMANY. Photos of the first airplanes, televisions, a massive machine Rose recognized as one of the first computers, were mixed in among images of fantastical beasts and creatures, men and women in distinguishably wizarding robes, and even the famous Whomping Willow that terrorized Hogwarts students who ventured too close. A bicycle that was missing a pedal hung from the ceiling, the front wheel misshapen as though it had suffered a crash and had never quite been useable again. The receiver of a telephone had been shoved through the back wheel, the spiral cord stretched taught to where the phone had been precariously placed on a stack of books atop a chair that was missing a leg, and many oxford shirts in various states of shabbiness had been hung from the makeshift clothesline.

He thumbed through folders, ignoring the loose sheets that fluttered out and landed among the mess. Folders of faded reds, blues, and greens were tossed aside rather carelessly, a bright yellow one was carefully placed on the table, as though it contained important information that the old curator did not want to lose, but he continued to search through his many documents, muttering to himself and pushing the wire glasses further up his nose on several occasions.

Finally, the purple folder was removed from between what looked like a newspaper article entitled Cows Lose Their Jobs as Milk Prices Drop and a book about Wendelin the Weird, and the curator placed it slowly atop the many papers on the desk, opening it with care, as though he feared something might jump out if he moved too quickly. “This Doctor,” he murmured, tracing his withered fingers across a black and white image on the first page of folder. “He appears a number of times throughout history. In paintings or drawings, diaries, oral histories…” he trailed off, and Rose crept closer to the desk, stepping carefully, and peered at the files in the cardboard folder. The curator passed her the image he’d been looking at. “That there is John F. Kennedy. He was the muggle president across the pond back in the 60’s. This particular photograph - that is what

the muggle call these, isn’t it? - was taken on the day of his assassination, in 1963.” He pointed a finger to a face in the crowd and tapped it twice. “Is this your Doctor?”

Rose’s eyes widened as she took in the familiar face - sharp cheekbones and jaw, a nose that was too big to be conventionally handsome, distinctive ears. Even the posture at which he seemed to stand felt familiar to her, as though she’d known this man for more than a day. “Yeah, that’s him,” she answered breathlessly, running her index finger over the familiar features. “Could be his father,” she suggested, though she knew it wasn’t. This wasn’t a man who looked like the man she’d met. This was him. She was certain of it, however impossible it seemed.

The curator looked up from his research for the briefest of moments, but, seeing that she did not believe her own words, he turned his attention back to the papers before him. “Even further back.

You’ve heard of the Titanic, I assume?” “‘Course,” Rose breathed, taking the offered photograph. A man and woman stood proudly and properly in the photo, their clothes belonging to an era far before Rose’s, and four children beside them, all regarding the camera with serious expressions. To the children’s right was her Doctor, standing with his head held high and his shoulders back, dressed in proper, 1912 clothing; a long, elegant coat, and a cravat carefully tied around his neck. His expression was stern and familiar once more, and Rose felt another rush of certainty that this was the man she’d met.

“This is a photograph of the Daniels family,” the curator explained. “And friend,” he tacked on mildly, knowing that she’d noticed the familiar face.

“The Daniels were meant to sail for the New World aboard the Titanic. Quite at the last minute, however, they opted to cancel their trip.”

Rose looked up at him and found his was looking right back at her. “And, what, you think he stopped them from goin’? You think he knew it was goin’ to happen and stopped them from dyin’?”

The old man said nothing, but his eyes sparkled knowingly. “It’s not impossible to know the future, is it? After all, we have seers who make prophecies.”

“Witches and wizards who make prophecies. Not muggles,” Rose argued.

“A magical tool, then? Something he got from wizards?”

His sonic screwdriver didn’t malfunction!

The old curator tilted his head curiously.

“My dear, with the evidence provided to you, you cannot possibly be under the impression that this Doctor is a muggle.” He said in his pleasant tone, if not slightly condescending.

Another image was pressed into her palm, this one a sketch rather than a photograph. “This is from 1883, when the volcano called Krakatoa erupted in Sumatra.” Despite the image not being a photograph, the man depicted was unmistakable. A familiar jacket - which she knew to be leather - sat upon his shoulders like armour, his hands tucked into its pockets. The short-cropped hair, the long nose, stern expression, and large ears were all clearly representation of the man she knew, over a hundred years in the past. “Curious, isn’t it?” The curator said quietly. “I can see it clearly on your face, my dear, that it is obvious to you that this is the same man, again and again, and not father and son or uncle and nephew.”

The curator looked at the images fondly.

“There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

He smacked the uncooperative device against his palm a couple times, to no avail. The screwdriver continued to flash and buzz in an irritating patternless way.

Rose blinked. “Sorry?”

How was he supposed to find the autons if his screwdriver was malfunctioning?

“Yes,” Rose breathed, her eyes wide as she spread the images in her hands like she might hold a deck of cards, comparing the three images of the same man. “Yes, this is him.”

The curator seemed satisfied. “There are, of course, other mentions of a man called the Doctor, associated with a different face. It would seem, then, that there are more than one. They seem to appear at random throughout history, in no particular order whatsoever, and even sometimes simultaneously.”

Rose carefully placed the images back in the folder. “And, what, you think it’s some sort of title?” She offered.

He shrugged. “Perhaps.”

“And what about his disappearing box?” Rose continued to press, not willing to drop the topic.

“Ah,” the curator acknowledged with a small smile. “The mysterious box.

It seems to appear whenever he does and disappear when he leaves. There are as many stories of him leaving behind the lives he’s saved as there are of him leaving the ones he’s lost, stepping into his strange blue box, and disappearing as though he’d never been there.”

He shook his head. “I apologize. It is a line from an old muggle play, by an author called Shakespeare. I understand he’s still quite popular.”

“They still teach his plays in muggle schools,” Rose agreed, remembered all the times she’d heard Shareen complain about the complicated works.

“Do they, now?” The curator said pleasantly, smiling as though this particular fact brought him great joy.

“How lovely.”

“But what does Shakespeare have to do with this?”

The curator regarded her seriously. “I’d imagine that joining our world after growing up with muggles was quite the shock to you. You were introduced to a world that you never could have possibly imagined truly existed, am I correct in saying so? Perhaps, then, there are more worlds, more people, more magic, kinds we cannot even begin to understand.

Perhaps this Doctor is part of some new world.” ___ The Doctor walked along the sidewalk, his eyes on his sonic screwdriver as he attempted to track the loose Autons that were still running around London.

Around him, fellow pedestrians were forced to avoid him, sending him irritated glares that he ignored, or purposefully brushing shoulders in an attempt to push him off track, and finding themselves knocked back, rather than the other way around. Unbothered, the Doctor continued on his trek.

He came to a sudden stop - catching the man walking behind him off guard, who swerved awkwardly to avoid him - and stared down at the screwdriver, which had begun to blink and buzz uncontrollably.

The sonic was malfunctioning.

How did that happen?!

“Oi, mate, you alright?” A familiar voice called out, and he turned to find himself face to face with Rose Tyler.

“You!” He exclaimed in surprise, pointing the uncooperative device at her, as though he expected it to be of any use.

Rose’s eyebrow cocked, and she offered him a small wave, wiggling her fingers.

“Hello,” she chimed cheerfully. “You can stop pointin’ that at me, ta. What are you doin’ here?”

“Me?” The Doctor demanded, as though this were the most ridiculous question he’d ever heard. “What’re you doin’ here?”

Rose’s lip twitched, curling into a small smile. “I asked you first.”

“I told you to go home.” He growled out, turning back around and continuing on his way, hoping she’d take the hint and leave him be while he continued to walk and fiddle with his malfunctioning sonic.

She, apparently, did not take the hint.

“I did. Was I just supposed to stay there forever?”

“Maybe,” the Doctor snarked, annoyed with her logic.

Rose scoffed. “Whatever.” She was silent for a few moments, but he could hear her footsteps behind him, following him once again. This certainly seemed to be a reoccurring event with her - stumbling into him and following him around. What was this, the third time he’d encountered her in as many days? That seemed odd. Granted, he hadn’t left London yet and he was no more than a halfhour away from where he’d met her last, but still, it was an awfully large city, and he hadn’t expected to run into one person that many times.

After several minutes of silence (though he’d been certain she was still following him), she asked, “what war were you talkin’ about?”

29

The Doctor stopped suddenly, quite surprised at her question, and turned to face her. “What?”

She didn’t meet his eyes, instead choosing to look down at her hands, where she was obviously fiddling with a small blue object. “Yesterday, you said there was a war goin’ on. What war?”

Ignoring the way his stomach seemed to bottom out at the question and his hands formed tight fists, he kept his voice light as he replied. “Ah, well, there’s always some war happenin’ somewhere, isn’t there? Human beings, constantly fightin’ with yourselves for all sorts of stupid reasons.”

Rose tossed the small object up into the air, catching it deftly as she still refused to meet his gaze, and his breath caught in his chest when he saw that it was a miniature police public call box, exactly the same as his TARDIS. “See, there you go again, saying yourselves as if you’re not human. And anyway, you weren’t just talkin’ about some war. You were talkin’ about something else.

Something that has to do with you.

So,” she finally stopped playing with the small police box in her hands and met his gaze head on. “What war?” ____ He might have answered. She could see the look on his face - he was debating whether or not to be honest with her.

His eyes lowered, away from hers, and locked onto the small blue box in her fist, and she knew he was wondering where she’d gotten an exact (miniature) replica of his small box. She held her breath as he decided whether or not to tell her the truth, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, a loud crash and shards of glass hitting her cheeks made her flinch and yelp.

They’d stopped next to a shop (that Rose actually rather liked) with finely dressed shop dummies in the windows, decked out in the stores styles and clothing. Apparently, the Doctor hadn’t been lying when he’d said that all the dummies were alive, because with one swing of its plastic hand, one of the dummies had shattered the shop window and the four of them were stepping out of the display, walking mechanically towards them, arms extended threateningly.

30

The Doctor seemed to try to defend them with the small tube in his hand, but it flashed and buzzed in an apparently dissatisfactory way, and the Doctor slapped it against his palm several times, grumbling something malfunctioning and screwdrivers.

a regular old dummy. Somethin’ else is goin’ on here. Somethin’s attacked the autons, stopped ‘em.”

It was the technology, Rose realized quickly. Muggle technology always tended to go haywire when they were too close to Diagon Alley, and it seemed that this had extended to the Doctor’s device. Seeing that there was no way he’d be able to defend them against the oncoming plastic people, she pulled her wand out from where it had been tucked into her sock, and, making sure that the Doctor’s eyes were on the dummies and not on her, she flicked her wrist, whispering, “immobulus.”

What she hadn’t expected, however, was that the Doctor would sense the small vibrations in the air caused by her spell, and she quickly tucked the wand into her back pocket when he whirled around to face her, eyes wide and mouth open. “What was that?” He demanded, looking at her intently as though he’d be able to sense her secret simply by staring her down.

“Dunno,” the Doctor growled dangerously, still glaring at the plastic head. “Come on.” He ordered as he began to march away, back in the direction he’d come.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, looking away from him. “Dummies again, then?”

He didn’t look away, frowning at her with a foreboding expression and eyes cold as ice. She knew this wasn’t something he would let go, but it seemed that the live shop dummies were more important right in this moment, so the Doctor turned away from her, his movements stiff. “Suppose,” he grunted.

He stared down at the dummies for a few moments before crouching down and yanking the head off one.

Surprisingly, it seemed difficult. Rose had assumed that the heads were simply placed atop the bodies, and should have been easily removed. But the Doctor struggled. It too several pulls before it detached, during which time Rose shoved her wand back into her sock and covered it with her pant leg, and the Doctor held head up. Rose walked around him to see the headless body, still on the ground, it’s arm raised as though poised to strike, and looked up at the man in front of her.

The Doctor was looking at the plastic in his hands with a slight frown. “If it had completely disconnected from the Consciousness, it wouldn’t have been this hard to pull off. Gone back to bein’

“What could do that?” Rose asked, hoping she didn’t sound as nervous as she felt.

“What? Why?” Rose asked, startled and unsure why she’d even asked. She felt thrown - of course she wanted to go with the Doctor and find the source of all this, but she’d never assumed he’d want her to. After all, he was the one who’d sent her on her way twice.

“Those things are still connected to the consciousness. The mind.

Whatever’s keepin’ them down, it might not last.” The Doctor explained without looking at her, trudging forward at a pace that had her jogging to keep up.

“So they’ll attack more people?”

Rose asked nervously, looking back at the dummies.

“Yes. Unless I stop them first.”

Rose looked down at the faceless head in his hands and repressed a shudder.

“How’re you goin’ to do that?”

“The arm I took from your mum’s was too simple for me to tap into and track the Consciousness. But a head is perfect.

I can trace the signal to the source.”

He explained simply, keeping his eyes forward as he marched.

“Sor r y...the consciousness?”

Rose r epeated.

“The brain. The source. What’s controllin’ all the autons. It’s called the Nestene Consciousness.” He explained rather cheerfully, in her opinion.

“So...they’re not really comin’ alive, then? The shop dummies? ‘S’like… radio control?” She suggested tentatively, looking up at him for a moment before looking back to where she was going, fearful of accidentally running into a pole.

The Doctor looked down at her, looking impressed and curious all at once.

“Thought control, but sort of, yeah.”

Rose pressed her lips together, the corners of her mouth pulling down slightly as her eyebrow raised. “Alright, then,” she murmured, more to herself than to him, but she could feel his curious gaze on her, and her cheeks flushed involuntarily.

After a few more minutes of silence, the Doctor jumped and looked down at the head in his hands, and as Rose followed his gaze, she notice that it seemed to me moving on its own once more. Her spell had worn off, she realized quickly.

It didn’t last indefinitely, and it seemed that they had reached its time limit.

The Doctor looked behind them and stiffened.

“Run,” he ordered, his voice low. Rose turned to look behind her, spotting three dummies (one headless) coming after them, their speed increasing as they seemed to adjust to their forms.

The movements became less robot-like and more human-like, and Rose didn’t waste anymore time ignore the Doctor’s instruction. She ran.

Their feet pounded the pavement, unlike the strangely light steps of their predators, and no words were exchanged as the Doctor and Rose ran, side by side. ____ After several minutes of running, the Doctor came to a stop rather sharply in front of his strange blue police box, and Rose stuttered to a stop beside him gratefully, her breath coming in laboured gasps and her legs feeling like jelly.

The box in front of her was identical (except, perhaps, in size) to the smaller version that was still tucked tightly in her fist, and she watched as the Doctor inserted a key into the lock and pushed the door open, stepping inside. He said nothing, but as he had instructed Rose to follow him before, she decided to follow him, coming to a sudden stop in the doorway of the box.

She examined her surroundings carefully for a brief moment, then stepped back outside, looking at the box curiously. She jogged lightly around it, noting its size.

It was, of course, bigger than the police call box in her hand, and yet she could not imagine the outside fitting around the inside like it was somehow managing to do. She stepped back in, letting the

door slam shut behind her, and looked around once more, slowly advancing along the grated floor as she took in the extraordinary size, and the strange, long column and console in the centre of it.

She knew that some of her classmates from wizarding families had tents which were larger on the inside (she’d never seen one herself, but given the amazing things she’d seen at school, she certainly had no trouble believing it).

Wires hung from the ceiling, resting between what looked like huge pieces of coral, reaching from floor to ceiling.

The walls seemed bare - regular circular lights dotted them, and the console in the centre looked as though panels had been removed to expose the insides, with more wires, buttons, levers, and the like than Rose had ever seen on a single surface. Across from the console she spotted two seats, which resembled old, beaten car seats and were mismatched, seemed to have been bolted to the circular grating that surrounded the console. The whole room was a strange mix of organic and mechanical that Rose struggled to reconcile and define, but it all worked together in a strange, natural sort of way. The whole room had a green glow to it, seemingly emanating from the clear column that rose from the centre of the console to the high, domelike ceiling, and the parts of the console where panels had been removed.

The Doctor circled the console, pulling at wires, muttering about signals and consciousnesses and the like before coming to a stop and connecting the head to several of the cords and wires, while Rose continued her slow advance, taking in everything she could. “Can those dummies get in?” She asked slowly, wondering if it would come across as a stupid question.

“The assembled hordes of Genghis Khan couldn’t get through those doors. And believe me, they’ve tried,” the Doctor’s reply was light on the surface, but it carried and undertone of seriousness, and Rose was left wondering if he was joking or not.

After a few more moments, he seemed satisfied with his work connecting the head to the console, and he turned to face her. “Right,” he said, tucking his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. His shoulders were squared and his feet were placed shoulder-length apart and he seemed perfectly balanced, almost as though he was standing at attention, waiting for orders. His head

was held high and he met her gaze squarely, his intense blue eyes boring into her own brown ones as though he thought he’d be able to read her very thoughts if he focused hard enough, “Where d’you want to start?”

Rose blinked, meeting his eyes for a few seconds before looking around her.

“The inside’s bigger than the outside?”

She confirmed, although in the back of her mind she could hear how silly that sounded, even to her own ears.

“Yes,” the Doctor replied simply, but there was no mocking or judgement in his told, just the truth.

Rose kept her eyes off of him, choosing instead to let them wander over the magnificent details of the strange room. She sucked her lips and bit down, wondering whether or not she should ask her next question. It was clear to her now that this man was no muggle, but if he wasn’t a wizard, then she’d be revealing herself to him as a witch, and she wondered what he would do with that information. He hadn’t given any indication of being a wizard himself, despite his impossible technology and his strange tool and his penchant for finding trouble. She could still feel his eyes on her, waiting for the next question, inevitably expecting her to stutter her shock about the impossible dimensions of the room and situation.

Instead, Rose sucked in a deep breath and murmured, “some sort of undetectable extension charm?” More to herself than to him.

This seemed to catch him off guard, and he blinked in surprise. “What?”

That’ll be a no, then, Rose thought wryly. She continued to avoid meeting his eyes, especially now that he knew there was something off about her, and her gaze fell on the head that he’d carefully connected to the console, which had sagged and was slightly bubbling. “Is that supposed to happen?”

She asked, nodding towards it.

The Doctor’s turned to see what she meant, and she could see the surprise in his stance. “Oh, no, no, no, no, no!” he yelped, getting louder with each no and pulling his hands out of his pockets, hovering them around the plastic but seeming reluctant to touch what was now a goopy pile on his console.

Apparently accepting that there was nothing he could do with it, he began to 31

sprint haphazardly around the console, flicking switches, pulling levers, and pressing buttons at lightning speed.

Rose struggled to follow his movements.

“What are you doin’?” She questioned as he moved, flinching as a loud, groaning and wheezing sound began to fade in and out, gradually getting louder as the Doctor did his complicated dance around the machine. Something in the console began to pump up in down, and Rose watched with rapt fascination as it seemed to match the strange groaning noise. What was happening?

“Followin’ the signal! It’s fadin’!” He yelled back, not stopping to explain.

He twisted some sort of gear and looked up, apparently quite hopeful, at a screen she hadn’t noticed early.

The room wheezed and groaned still, and began to shake and tilt, and Rose grabbed onto the railings on either side of her to steady herself. “No, no, no, no, no!” He hollered again, his hands coming up in exasperation, and he was back into action around the console, apparently either continuing the sequence from before or starting an entirely new one, she wasn’t sure which. “Almost there! Almost there!

Here we go!” He continued to shout above the loud wheezing.

The noise stopped and they shuddered to a halt, the room stilling enough that Rose felt confident in letting go of the railings. In a flash, the Doctor was running for the door, pushing past her to yank it open and step outside. She followed him quickly, giving the strange room one last look before stepping back out the narrow door and joining the Doctor outside.

She came to a sudden stop, her mouth hanging open as she took in her new surroundings. They were no longer in the dark alley where they’d entered the box to get away from the dummies - no, this was Westminster, and Rose felt her jaw drop open in shock, whirling around to look at the blue box and remembering how it had disappeared before her very eyes not one day ago.

She recalled watching the box blink in and out of existence before it completely disappeared, and wondered if this was what had happened. The box hadn’t disappeared, it had travelled. Some sort of apparating box.

Well, that seemed far more efficient than brooms.

32

“I lost the signal,” the Doctor snapped, walking away from the TARDIS. “I got so close!” He leaned his forearms against the railing they’d landed next to, his posture tense as he looked out over the water of the Thames.

Rose turned and looked at the box, taking another lap around and trailing her fingers along the rough wood. “How does it do that?” She asked, stopped when she got back around to the front.

“You wouldn’t understand,” the Doctor growled bitterly, not looking at her.

Rose considered the box quietly for another moment before speaking again.

“What about the rest of the dummies that were chasin’ us?”

He turned to face her, looking all the world as though he were angry with her as he began to pace, “Melted with the head,” he explained dryly as he passed her. “Are you goin’ to witter on all night?”

Rose felt her face flush with anger at the rude dismissal. “All of them? Why would they all melt?” She snapped. “The one missin’ a head, sure, but the other ones?

The arm didn’t melt when it lost the signal last time!”

“I don’t know,” the Doctor snapped back, “but I can’t be runnin’ after every individual dummy that might be on the loose when I’ve finally got a chance to find the consciousness. I can stop all of them! And you want me to, what, chase after just one of the hundreds of thousands of shop window dummies, runnin’ ‘round London? Round the world?”

“I want you to help who you can! You know, help people? Be human?”

“I’m not human,” he growled, and Rose’s head snapped back in surprise, her eyes widening and her mouth dropping open at this revelation. “So don’t hold me to your human standards. I am tryin’ to save the life of every stupid ape blunderin’ on top of this planet, all right?” He snapped, his face close to hers as he had advanced threateningly during his speech.

Rose blinked, still feeling shell-shocked.

“You’re not human?” She asked, the anger gone from her voice as she considered this, feeling like she finally understood why she hadn’t come across anything about him or his box in either of her worlds.

The Doctor seemed surprised and unsure how to handle her sudden change in demeanor. “What?”

Rose narrowed her eyes, taking him in suspiciously. “So...what are you then? If you’re not human. Are you an alien?” the question seemed ridiculous to her - were aliens even real? - but there was no being nor beast in her copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them that described a creature that looked and sounded exactly like a human, and Rose felt lost.

He frowned at her, obviously thrown by the change in their conversation, and still itchy to find what he’d been searching for. “Yes,” he answered unsurely, “that all right?”

The corners of Rose’s lips pulled down and her eyebrows lifted for a brief second as she considered this. “Guess so,” she replied, wondering where that left her. Was she still bound by the Statute of Secrecy? He wasn’t a muggle, and he certainly had his own magiclike box that most other muggles didn’t have, but he wasn’t a wizard, and thus wasn’t privy to the entire world that existed alongside the muggles, secret and undetectable unless you knew exactly what you were searching for. She knew that eventually, he’d ask her about the casual mention of an undetectable extension charm (he certainly didn’t seem the type to let things drop without getting any answers), and she wondered what she would say. “Hold on, if you’re an alien, how come you sound like you’re from the North?”

“Lots of planets have a north!” He replied indignantly, as though she’d asked something particularly offensive.

He crossed his arms and took a deep breath, seemingly calming himself.

She studied him for a moment, then looked above his head, where the words POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX glowed eerily against the evening darkness, and then down to the miniature version that was still tightly gripped in her hand.. “How d’you get the police box to do that?”

The Doctor looked up at the box and then over to her. “S’not really a public call box. They used them in the 1950s, see.” He placed a hand on the blue wood and grinned proudly.

“It’s a disguise for the TARDIS.” “TARDIS?”

He blinked. “Didn’t I explain? Guess not.

TARDIS, that’s what she’s called. That’s Time and Relative Dimension in Space.”

Rose’s jaw dropped. “...in space? This thing goes into space?”

“Yes,” the Doctor confirmed with a proud grin and nod.

She let out an amazed scoff. “‘Kay…” she said helplessly with a small shake of her head. She wanted to continue to talk about his spaceship disguised as a police box, but remembered that there was a more pressure issue at hand. She promised herself that they would return to this particular topic later. “And this... livin’ plastic, what’s it got against us?”

“Nothin’,” the Doctor said with feeling, pushing away from the box to walk over to Rose, not stopping until he was standing quite close, but not looking at her as he took in their surroundings. “It loves you. You’ve got such a good planet.

Lots of smoke and oil, plenty of toxins and dioxins in the air. Perfect. Just what the Nestene Consciousness needs.”

He met her gaze straight on, his bright blue eyes boring into hers. “Its food was destroyed in the war, its protein planets rotted. So, earth. Dinner,” he finished with a wide, humourless smile as he made an eating gesture with his hands.

“Any way of stoppin’ it?” Rose asked, getting straight to the point.

The Doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a large vial of electric blue fluid. “Antiplastic.” He said with a manic grin.

Rose knew her disbelief was etched clearly on her face. “Antiplastic?” she repeated dryly.

“Antiplastic!” The Doctor confirmed emphatically, pointing his finger at the vial. His smile then faded in the blink of an eye and he looked up again. “But first I’ve got to find it. How can you hide something that big in a city this small?”

He asked as he walked away from her and the TARDIS, the question definitely more directed towards himself than her.

But she didn’t care. “Hide what?”

She asked.

He turned to face her. “The transmitter,” he replied, as though it were simple.

“The Consciousness is controlling every single piece of plastic,” he explained as

he paced back towards her, the lines of his forehead deepening and becoming more prominent as he expressed his seriousness by turning his head towards but still looking straight ahead, and suddenly his pacing became more like prowling. “So it needs a transmitter to boost the signal.”

“What’s it look like?”

“Like a transmitter!” He walked away from her again. “Round and massive.

Somewhere slap-bang in the middle of London.” As he walked further away, Rose began to follow. “A huge, metal, circular structure, like a dish, like a wheel, radial,” he tried to explain in terms she would understand, turning his back against the scenery of the Thames to face her, “close to where we’re standing.

It must be completely invisible.”

Rose looked out, over his shoulder, at the London landmark that stood, tall and proud, behind his back. The London Eye was lit up with blue lights.

A huge, metal, circular structure, he’d said. This certainly seemed to fit the bill.

The Doctor noticed her contemplative staring, though it was not directed at him. “What?” he asked shortly. She nodded her head at the Eye, and he turned to see what she was looking at.

It seemed, however, that the Doctor was prone to sometimes missing what was right in front of him, and he turned back to face her, confused as ever. “What?”

He said again, his voice lighter and more confused. Once again, she nodded her head towards the Eye, and once again, he whirled to see what she was looking at. And missed it. “What is it?

What?” He demanded again, turning back to face her.

Rose let out a small breath and gestured towards the wheel, and once again, he turned.

This time, however, it seemed to do the trick. When he turned back around, he no longer looked confused.

His eyebrows had lifted in a nonthreatening type of way, surprise on his face, and he let out a quiet, “oh.” He gave the huge ferris wheel a final glance before granting Rose his manic sort of grin, which lit up his whole face, and said, “fantastic.”

And with that, he was off running, and she was after him.

As they hurried over to the Wheel, running along the bridge over the Thames, the Doctor reached over and took her hand. A small jolt in her gut made her smile widen, and he seemed to feel it, squeezing her hand gently.

They didn’t stop until they’d reached the foot of the Eye. “Think of it.

Plastic all over the world, every artificial thing waiting to come alive. The shop window dummies, the phones, the wires, the cables…”

“The breast implants,” Rose added.

“Still, we’ve found the transmitter,” the Doctor continued as though she hadn’t spoken, “The Consciousness must be somewhere underneath.”

Curious, Rose made her way over the the parapet of Westminster bridge and looked over it, catching sight of a manhole cover. “What about down here?” She called over her shoulder.

She heard the Doctor’s steps as he joined her, looking over her shoulder to see what she’d found. “Looks good to me,” he said with a smile, and they were off again, quickly making their way over to the manhole.

The Doctor crouched over and twister the hatch open, pulling the lid aside to reveal a healthy dose of steam or smoke, and a dangerous seeming red glow. The Doctor, apparently unbothered, began descending into the chamber below the London Eye. With a deep breath, Rose moved after him.

Her heart was pumping heavily with adrenaline, and her breath was coming in short gasps. It had been years since she’d felt the high that came with adventure and mystery, and she while she was certainly frightened, her curiosity was winning out. She would see this mystery through to the end.

The Doctor had moved away from the ladder and towards a sliding door. He glanced back at her, and she hurried to his side. He made sure she was near before opening the door, and the entered a second, massive chamber.

She hadn’t known what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this.

The eerie red glow seemed to emanate from this room in particular. Levels of scaffolding and untable-looking metal floors led town to a ground level with a huge basin of a glowing orange liquid, which squished and sloshed 33

within its container. “The Nestene Consciousness,” the Doctor said quietly.

“That’s it, inside the vat. A living, plastic creature.”

So this was the creature that wanted to use her planet? That saw no harm in attacked unsuspecting humans? “Well then, tip in your antiplastic and let’s go,” she said, rather ruthlessly.

“I’m not here to kill it,” the Doctor snarked back, looking at her strangely, and Rose’s grip on the scaffolding tightened. She knew that often times, when it came to situations like this, killing was the only way. Not everything deserved a second chance. She would defend her own if the Doctor wouldn’t.

“I’ve got to give it a chance,” he continued, not seeing the anger that simmered just below the surface of her tense posture.

He walked away from her, and her tight grip on the railing prevented her from following as he marched, determined, down along the scaffolding and closer to the vat. Once he’d gone down the first set of steps, he leaned over the railing, and spoke. “I seek audience with the Nestene Consciousness under peaceful contract, according to Convention Fifteen of the Shadow Proclamation,” he said clearly and loudly, his voice ringing out around the chamber. The strange liquid gurgled and bubbled strangely, and the Doctor seemed to take this as permission. “Thank you. If I might have permission to approach?”

The liquid gurgled and sloshed about, and the Doctor continued his descent.

Once he’d reached the bottom level of scaffolding, Rose slowly began to follow, taking her wand out of her sock and tucking it back into the side of her jeans as she made her way down, keeping her eyes on the liquid. He continued his advance, stepping out onto a sort of platform, right in front of the vat. His skin glow with an orange sheen that made her uncomfortable, and she stopped on the level above him, watching carefully.

His walk had been purposeful - more of a strut - and his beaten, leather coat moved around him like protective armour, shielding him. When he reached the edge of the platform, he stopped, standing over the liquid like a king. “Am I addressing the Consciousness?” He asked, and a strange sort of shrieking gurgle seemed to answer him. “Thank you. If I might 34

observe, you infiltrated this civilization by means of warped, shunt technology.

So, may I suggest, with the greatest respect, that you shunt off ?”

She spotted the pleased smile that followed the awful play on words and rolled her eyes, both irritated at him for not treating this more seriously, while all the while grateful that this perhaps wasn’t as life-threatening as she’d assumed, if he was cracking bad puns.

The liquid shrieked and grumbled, and Rose leaned away, uncomfortable and far too warm. “Oh, don’t give me that,” the Doctor responded. “It’s an invasion, plain and simple! Don’t talk about constitutional rights!” The liquid shrieked again, louder and indignant, sloshing around in the large vat and splashing outside of it, and Rose’s heart sped up again. “I am talking!” The Doctor howled, his voice ringing out over the cries of the Consciousness. His voice now held a commanding edge, as though he could see that this conversation giving the creature a chance - wasn’t working out as well as he’d hoped. Rose crossed her fingers that his antiplastic was still within reach. The Doctor glared down at the Consciousness, his chest heaving and his jaw clenched. He seemed to need a moment to collect himself before he spoke again. This time, in a slightly gentler tone of voice. “This planet is just starting. These stupid little people have only just learned how to walk. But they’re capable of so much more. I’m askin’ you, on their behalf.

Please, just go.”

His short speech was noble and sweet, Rose couldn’t deny that, they’d both been so focused on the liquid within the vat that they’d missed the two sharply dressed shop window dummies that had snuck up behind the Doctor. Just outside his peripherals, they marched forward, onto the same platform he occupied.

“Doctor!” She called out, but it was too late. The dummies grabbed on to the Doctor’s arms and held tight, apparently tightly enough to hold him still. He struggled against them, but they seemed to be too much for him. He glanced up at her, catching her worried expression, and quickly turned away. Rose schooled her features and tried to calm her mind.

What could she do?

How could she help?

She took her wand into her palm and took comfort in the familiar, safe feeling of the finely carved wood. As she did, one of the dummies pulled the antiplastic from the Doctor’s pocket, holding it high for the liquid Consciousness to see. It screamed and writhed its rage from within the vat.

“That was just insurance! I wasn’t gunna use it!” The Doctor tried to explain desperately, still caught in the tight hold of a shop dummy. “I was not attacking you, I’m here to help! I’m not your enemy, I’m here to help!”

Rose’s ears rang, and for a moment, she was lost in her memories.

“These...people...these filthy liars. They are the true enemy of wizard kind. They infiltrate our communities, our schools, our ministry, and they poison it with their filth. They pretend to be our friends while they steal our magic.”

She shook the memory from her head, steeling herself despite the rush of fear and hatred the memory had stirred up in her heart. The Consciousness was still screaming as the Doctor tried to defend himself against its (apparent) accusations, and an dummy on the same level as her pulled aside a large door only a few feet away, revealing the TARDIS, its bright blue clashing intensely with the red glow of the chamber.

“Yes, that’s my ship,” the Doctor acknowledged. The Doctor looked back on it, desperation written across his features. The Consciousness shrieked, and the doctor turned back, facing it again. “That’s not true! I should know, I was there! I fought in the war, it wasn’t my fault! I couldn’t save your world! I couldn’t save any of them!”

This last piece was said with a desperation and self-loathing that Rose understood. A soldier (and that’s what she was, no matter how much she told herself differently) could always recognize another soldier. “What’s it doing?” She called down to the Doctor, her eyes on the struggling creature in the vat, which was much angrier than it had been when they’d arrive.

“It’s the TARDIS!” The Doctor answered, still struggling against his captor. “The Nestene’s identified it as superior technology. It’s terrified! It’s going to the final phase. It’s starting the invasion! Get out, Rose! Just leg it, now!”

She remained still, watching him struggle with wide eyes, and looked back towards the stairs. If all the plastic was coming alive, she was no safer out there. She stood her ground and raised her wand, pointing it at the dummy that held the antiplastic. Fear kept her from aiming it at the one holding the Doctor - he was struggling too much, moving around. What if she missed and hit him instead? No, she aimed at the other and whispered the first spell that popped into her mind - one that had been beaten into her and repeated a million times over.

“I don’t think Expelliarmus is exactly going to help us against You-KnowWho, do you?”

“I’ve used it against him. It saved my life in June.”

“Expelliarmus.”

Like a wand might have, the vial went flying out of the creature’s hand, tumbling down into the vat, where it landed and the vial shattered. The liquid spread quickly over the surface of the Consciousness, seeping into it as the strange creature shrieked and cried its anger and pain. The Doctor and the two dummies on his platform looked on in shock as the Consciousness began to glow. For a brief moment, the Doctor and his captor were still, and Rose took that opportunity to aim her want carefully, and murmur, “flipendo.”

The shop dummy stumbled back, losing his balance, and began to fall, but managed to keep his grip on the Doctor with a single, tight fist, dragging him towards the packing Consciousness.

“Doctor!” Rose cried, jumping down onto the platform and ignoring the pain that shot up her legs at the landing.

She reached forward and grabbed onto the Doctor’s free arm with both hands, dropping her wand in the process, tugging hard as the dummy continued to try to wretch the Doctor over the side. The tug-of-war with the Doctor in the middle lasted only a few moments before the Doctor was able to break free of the dummy’s grip. It stumbled and fell, toppling into the vat and melting into the superheated Consciousness.

The Doctor stumbled back, directly into Rose, who awkwardly wrapped her arms around him to try and stop from falling backwards onto her rear.

“Now we’re in trouble,” the Doctor murmured into her ear with a gleeful,

manic grin as the systems supporting the life of the Consciousness overheated and exploding, shaking the chamber and making them unsteady on their feet. They sprinted up the scaffolding, taking the steps two at a time to reach the second level, and then dashed to the waiting TARDIS. As the Doctor quickly unlocked the door, she quickly dashed back and snatched up her dropped wand, tucking it quickly into her trousers against, and then raced back to the TARDIS, where the Doctor was pushing the door open, and quickly joined him in the box with him as the creature below writhed and screamed in anger and agony.

She heard the hopefulness in his tone and saw the raw earnestness on his face as her breath caught in her throat and she considered his offer. “This box isn’t just a London-op, you know,” he continued when she didn’t answer right away. “It goes anywhere in the universe, free of charge.” He finished with a tight smile, still looking at her with a cautious sort of hope. “What d’you think?” He watched as she bit her lip, considering, and pressed on.

“You could stay here, fill your life with work and sleep, or you could go…” he paused dramatically, meeting her eyes and seeming to sense that he had her on the hook, “anywhere.”

The Doctor sprinted up the pass to the console, beginning the complicated dance of buttons, switches, levers, and dials as he moved around the controls with comfortable (if a bit rushed) familiarity. The ship began to wheeze and quake, and Rose quickly grabbed onto the railing to support herself.

She licked her lips. “Is it always this dangerous?” She asked, knowing that she’d had so much danger in her life, she should be grateful for the slow pace it had taken, for the ease and promise of another day, of not having to fear being discovered or persecuted.

They landed with a heavy jolt, supposedly far away from the exploding chamber and a safe distance from its angry, drying resident, and the Doctor leaned away from the console with a small smile on his face.

He gestured to the door and Rose raised her eyebrows at him before turning around and slowly opening the door, peering out before she stepped outside, onto the embankment of the Thames. The Doctor followed but stopped in the doorway, watching with his hands clasped in front of him as she took in her new surroundings.

Oh, but didn’t her heart just speed up when he said, “Yeah,” with a small nod and grin, knowing he’d spotted another adrenaline junkie in her.

They considered each other for a long moment before Rose followed the advice her brain was screaming at her.

“Yeah, I can’t. I’ve got to go home, I’ve got work…”

Instant regret.

She knew he could see it in her face how she wished she’d said yes, how she wanted him to simply ask again.

After allowing her a few moments of contemplation, he spoke. “Nestene Consciousness? Easy,” he said cheerfully with a snap of his fingers and a cocky, self-satisfied grin.

The smile and hope was gone from his face in an instant, and replaced with a careful mask. “Okay,” he said simply.

Rose smiled indulgently. “You’d be dead if it wasn’t for me.” She reminded him, sounding rather cocky herself.

“See you ‘round,” he said with an unfeeling smile, meeting her gaze steadily, mask still in place.

The Doctor’s self-satisfied grin melted into one of pride, and he looked at her with a warmth she hadn’t realized he was capable of. “Yes, I would.”

He acknowledged. “Thank you.” Her smile grew as she tucked her hands into her pockets, and for a moment, their gazes met and held. “Right then!

I’ll be off,” he said suddenly and with no warning. “Unless, uh...I dunno, you could come with me.”

Ask again.

Ask again.

He back into the TARDIS and closed the door behind him, and Rose’s stomach dropped.

The TARDIS began it’s wheezing and groaning, disappearing into another with a sound like the universe, and she watched until she could no longer see even the finest imprint of its shape in the air, then bit her lip and hunched 35

her shoulders forward, ready to head back home, to her small flat with the comfortable bed and cracked walls, over her simple place of work.

As she began her walk, however, the air behind her began to blow, and the whooshing began again, and she whirled around to see the TARDIS wheezing and flashing its way back into existence. The door opened, and unceremoniously, the Doctor stuck his head out. “By the way, did I mention it also travels in time?�

He could have said anything. He knew it and she knew it. He had her. Without preamble, she ran towards him, seeing the grin form on his face as he stepped out of her way and she landed on the metal grating of the pass, just inside the door. They smiled widely at each other, neither saying a thing, and she turned and closed the door behind her.

_____________ This Doctor Who/Harry Potter crossover is a rewrite of episode 1 of Doctor Who. Rose Tyler is a muggleborn witch who was forced to go on the run in 1997, when muggle-born students were being taken from Hogwarts by the ministry.

The full project is intended to extend at least until the end of season 1, and examine how situations might be different if Rose was not only a witch, but suffering from the memories of the traumatic times at Hogwarts.

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INSERT QUIBBLER

37

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

The Curious Case of Qualupik by meddleofmycause

A

laska is the northernmost state of the United States of America; a wild land known for cold, darkness, and bears randomly jumping out at runners to eat them. Though many muggles have found their way to Alaska (including the highest concentration of muggle massmurderers in the world!) most Wizards have not thought to make Alaska their vacation destination. The Wizarding village of Qualupik, Alaska would like to change that!

another portkey into Qualupik, the first noticeable thing was the complete lack of frostbite! In fact, though the temperature in nearby Fairbanks was in the -40°’s, Qualupik was in the high 80°’s. And though the Sun hadn’t even risen above the Arctic Circle for 2019 yet, Qualupik had 14 hours of artificial sunlight, with an hour-long sunrise and sunset. The village truly felt like a tropical escape in the middle of one of the harshest winter climates on earth.

The Quibbler was invited by Qualupik mayor, Clint Koornet, to visit the remote

I was greeted by Mayor Koornet at city hall, who handed me a pina

village located in the middle of Denali National Park this January. With only 100 residents during winter, Qualupik is one of the smallest wizarding villages in the world. The village is almost impossible to access by muggle means, keeping it well-concealed along the back of the McKinley River. Though the average temperature in the nearest city of Fairbanks during the month of January is -15° Fahrenheit, and the sun is only up in the sky for two hours a day, this reporter thought “what the heck” and hopped the nearest international Portkey to the frozen wasteland. After going through customs and then taking

colada and helped me remove my parka and mukluks that I had picked up in the Alaskan hub of Anchorage in anticipation for a snowy arrival.

After I had removed my extra layers, I was treated to an exciting tour of the town. The residents of Qualupik are predominately of Athabascan heritage, which was very apparent through the tour. Most of the buildings were made of logs, with moss roofs atop them.

Though never in my life did I think I would see women walking around in moose-hide bikinis, that’s exactly what I saw in Qualupik, made in the traditional Athabascan way and beaded with love

38

and magic. Most of the village is homes, but they do have a tribal hall where most village events take place, a small chapel, a hotel, a store, and a water park. The hotel and water park are located slightly to the left of the main village but are still built in the traditional Athabascan way.

I had the honor of meeting Granny Shirley, one of the village elders, who teaches traditional magic to the children of the village, “Now-a-days, most children go on to learn magic at Ilvermorny, but I make sure that when they come home to Alaska they have

the opportunity to learn the traditional magic as well. During the winter, the village is just the elders and some adults, but in the summer this village is overrun with children and laughter and fun. This is the place for children to learn about their heritage and the magic that runs through their blood. Children from all over Alaska end up in this village, whether their family comes from Steven’s Village or Houslia, all magical Alaskan children are given a way back to their heritage in Qualupik.”

I sat with Granny Shirley as she showed me some traditional Alaskan beadwork,

TRAVEL QUIBBLER including a lovely Parka with beavertrim. When I asked why they would need a parka in such a warm place, she laughed and informed me that Qualupik had not always been the tropical land that I saw around me. In fact, a mere 11 winters ago Qualupik was in the -70°’s for an entire week straight. When asked what had caused such a dramatic change, Granny Shirley instructed me to go seek out the Mayor and ask him. So after getting another pina colada, away I went.

The Mayor had his office in the tribal hall, and the chairs were made of a soft birch wood. At 32, Mayor Koornet was nothing like who I expected a mayor to be. He lounged around in moosehide shorts with a long sinew and bead necklace around his neck. His long

black hair was loosely braided, and his flip-flops were made of moose-hide and sinew. His wand-holster at his side looked like it could easily conceal a dagger, and at the end of his wand was a carved raven. He looked like a combination of a war chief ready to lead his tribe into battle and a surfer about to catch the next big wave; his personality entirely matched his clothing.

The Mayor told me about growing up in Alaska, an area which works hard to keep their native traditions alive. The children of Qualupik came from all the

villages of interior Alaska, and when they received their Ilvermorny letters they would begin to spend their winters away at school and their summers away at Qualupik, mostly only visiting their home villages for a couple of weeks three times a year. In some ways, the children become more connected to their roots, learning the native Alaskan magic that was harnessed without wands. Mayor Koornet spoke about warming charms as an example; how they learn to harness them, using them, and imbue them into their clothing.

When asked about the warming charms used in the city, Mayor Koornet spoke about tapping into the underground hot springs, pulling the heat from the earth’s crusts and bringing it to ground level. “You don’t understand how hard

it is living in Qualupik during winter.

Traditionally, Alaskans live in family units. The families are very close here in the winter, spending their time indoors telling stories and singing songs, but when the children are sent away to boarding school and it’s still too cold to go out and hunt or fish, the adults were getting depressed. We decided to fix it. Some heating charms were used and suddenly, the children leaving isn’t traumatic because we get to stay in our beach resort. It’s really helped bring the community together.”

When asked about the climbing temperatures around the world and the fact that the state has seen a severe weather change in the past few years, Mayor Koornet was quick to discount the heating charms as a cause “The muggles are very clear that pollution and the burning of fossil fuels is causing global warming, not a few wizards changing the temperature in the Arctic.”

Though the mayor seems sure that global warming has nothing to do with the village of Qualupik, this reporter would like to remind our readers that multiple scientists have come out against excessive heating charms, and no science has been able to account for why the glaciers are melting at such an alarming rate.

A quick trip to the water park and my time at Qualupik was at an end. Though the village is a unique and interesting place to visit, the remote nature and inability to go more than ten miles from the city without hitting below freezing temperatures is a bit of a drawback.

Still, I would highly recommend that anyone who wanted a real Alaskan experience without waiting for summer or dealing with the cold or bears should go and visit Qualupik.

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QUIBBLER INSERT

Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For South Africa Edition

by Eldis Hello and welcome to our third and final instalment of muggle treats in beautiful Africa! we have seen so much of the world already: Europe, North, Middle and South America and now we have almost travelled throughout the entirety of Africa!

Time flies when you’re having fun (and when you are on a permanent sugar rush). I can’t believe my boss still believes that me travelling around this much to write just one article is a profitable business strategy, but I am not complaining. So, put on some sunscreen, practice your dental-preserving spells and let’s dig in!

We stopped in the DRC last time, so let’s leave from there and go to its neighbouring country of Angola.

One dish that you simply have to try when you arrive there is Caakiri. This is a couscous pudding made with couscous, evaporated milk, yoghurt, sour cream and vanilla.

If you liked the coconut treats we enjoyed the last edition, try Cocada Amarela! Don’t confuse this sweet 40

and heavy dessert with what is called cocada in Brazil. It is made from coconut, sugar, water, cloves and egg yolks. It’s very filling, but very delicious! Chikuanga is also a delicious treat. It’s a moist bread, made from cassava flour and wrapped in banana leaves.

Next-door Zambia also has amazing treats to offer! Desserts here are usually enjoyed during celebration, or when important guests are over. And since our parents have all told us we are important

and special, that should mean we will get a lot of dessert right? If you like sweet potato, Zambia has you covered! Sweet potato pudding is a delicious and easy-to-make dessert. Golabjamoun is kind of like a sweet potato doughnut. The dough is quickly fried resulting in little balls, crunchy on the outside and wonderfully soft and sweet on the inside. If you are bored with your dry tea biscuit, try vitumbuwa. This treat is usually enjoyed around teatime. These fried dough balls don’t contain potatoes and are for sale on most Zambian markets. However, if that makes you miss the starch of the potatoes, try the Iro Ngade, a dessert made using bananas, potatoes, maize, peas and pumpkin.

From there, let’s travel to Mozambique! If you are of legal age you should definitely trey Ananas Con Vinho do Porto.

Although technically not candy, this delicious drink deserves its spot in this article. The core of the pineapple is removed and the slices are covered in sugar. These slices are put in a bowl and covered in Port Wine. After a couple of hours of

TRAVEL INSERT QUIBBLER soaking this delicious treat is ready to be enjoyed! If you are not of legal age yet, or just generally don’t enjoy alcohol that much, try the papaya pudding! This deep bright yellow pudding is a sight to behold, whilst also being absolutely delicious! If you miss the fried stuff, you can enjoy some malasadas or, if you’re around in Christmas time, Filhos de Natal.

Why not cross the water and travel to one of the most unique and magical islands on this entire planet? Madagascar is a gorgeous place with many unique creatures.

Rumour has it that this is the exact place magic originated, hence the beautiful flora and fauna! If you want a break of all the sweet stuff, try mofo, the country’s signature savoury spice beignet fritters. They are for sale everywhere, and also exist in a pumpkin version, delicious with condensed milk on top. Banana fritters are also not to be missed, as is koba akondro, a steamed banana and peanut cake you can find on most markets. Make sure you don’t eat too much though, as it’s quite filling!

Back to the mainland, to Zimbabwe. You cannot leave this country without sampling some Vetkoek. This fried dough bread can either be enjoyed savoury when filled with ground

beef, or sweet with syrup, honey or jam. You can also enjoy these treats in Botswana, where they are called magwinya.

South Africa, appropriately also the largest country in the south of Africa, has a lot of deliciousness to offer too. One of the most popular treats is the Melktert. It’s so popular that on the 27th of February the country celebrates National Melktert Day! This dessert is made from milk, flour and eggs, with a lot of cinnamon! The tarts are for sale all over the country, and it’s best to buy them home-made on a small town market.

For those who are enjoying all the fried treats we have this edition, try koeksisters! There are many different variants of this treat, but the traditional Cape Maley way is to fry the dough into balls and then cover them in coconut. If you need to cool down in the summer heat, try some delicious guava ice cream or coconut ice. Soetkoekjes are biscuits made from almonds and port, and the caramel toffy goodness that is the Malva pudding will surely put a smile on your face.

so much of the world already, and there is still so much to do! Please join us on our magic carpet ride to the Middle East in next edition of Muggle Candy Worth Travelling For. No Time or Money to Travel? Bring the Sweets to You with This Recipe!

Sweet Potato Pudding Ingredients: • 350 ml (1½ cups) of milk • 1 egg • 500 g of sweet potatoes • 3 tablespoon(s) of coconut (grated) • 100 grams (½ cup) of sugar • 2 tablespoons of baking powder • pinch of salt • Cinnamon or nutmeg, if you want to Directions 1. Peel your sweet potatoes and cut them in blocks.

2. Put the potatoes in boiling water and let boil for about 10 to 12 minutes, so they are tender on the outside but still a bit strong on the inside.

3. Mash the potatoes.

4. Add the egg to the mashed potatoes, stir.

5. Add the other ingredients.

6. If you want to, also add cinnamon and/or nutmeg to taste.

7. Bake the Sweet Potato Pudding on 180 Celcius / 350 Fahrenheit degrees until the surface becomes brown (about 45 minutes 8. Enjoy!

That brings us to the end of this marvellous continent! I hope you have enjoyed our journey so far.

We have learned, seen and tasted 41

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

Quiz: Where Should You Vacation This Summer?

It is finally summer, and that means it is finally time to kick back, relax, and take a nice vacation! But as relaxing as taking a break can be, planning your perfect getaway can be super stressful. But with this quiz, you won’t have to lift a finger! Simply answer a few questions about your perfect summer, and we will give you your perfect destination!

Q1: How do you feel about the heat?

A: I love the hot weather! I cannot wait to soak up the sun!

B: I do not enjoy hot weather.

C: It does not matter to me.

D: Honestly, the weather where I live is perfect!

Q2: Where is your favorite place to swim?

A: At the beach!

B: In a lake C: I do not really enjoy swimming D: My backyard pool Q3: What is your favorite summer activity?

A: Surfing and making sand castles B: Kayaking and hiking C: Trying to see as many tourist attractions as possible!

D: Catching up on my favorite TV shows Q4: Which one of these foods sounds the most yummy to you?

A: Tasty seafood B: Brunch C: Something new that I have never tried before!

D: A nice, homecooked meal Q5: What is the most stressful thing about traveling?

A: When the weather is bad and you can’t enjoy the outdoors.

B: Having to deal with crowded airports and cities.

C: Not having enough time to do everything.

D: Having to leave my house!

Q6: Where is your favorite place to stay?

A: A luxurious resort B: A rented house C: A nice hotel D: Something more homey Q7: Pick a drink to sip while you relax: A: A tropical, fruity drink B: A cup of coffee or tea C: Something from a local coffee shop D: My normal, go-to drink 42

TRAVEL QUIBBLER Q8: Pick a word to describe your perfect vacation: A: Warm B: Cozy C: Busy D: Modest Q9: Who are you traveling with?

A: My significant other B: My family C: My best friends D: Just myself Q10: How far are you willing to travel A: It doesn’t matter to me, as long as it’s warm!

B: Not too far, but I want to get away C: Preferably somewhere in my country D: As little as possible

Now, count up how many of each letter you picked and keep reading to find your perfect destination!

If you answered mostly As: You are destined for a luxurious beach vacation: Your typical vacation is one straight out of the movies: on a white sand beach, sipping a drink out of a coconut while getting your tan on. Take advantage of all the great weather the summer has to offer! Plus, your friends will be so jealous when they see the pictures!

Places to try: Hawaii, The Caribbean If you answered mostly Bs: Your vacation home is a cozy lake house in the mountains!

You would rather beat the heat and the crowds this summer. Stay at a nice, cozy cabin and have a place all to yourself ! No need to deal with crowded beaches and tourist traps. Take some time to enjoy the outdoors without all the stress!

Places to try: Switzerland, Canada If you answered mostly Cs: Your vacation is a new city!

You love to try new things! There is always so much to do in a big city, and they are so full of culture! Be sure to take in as much as you can, learn as much as you can, and try as many new foods as you can!

Places to try: Paris, New York, London If you answered mostly Ds: Your perfect vacation is a staycation!

Sometimes, any travel is too stressful. Why not just stay at home? Take some time off work, read a book in your living room, and catch up on your shows! Plus, vacations can be really expensive, and you will save tons of money from not traveling!

Places to try: explore all the things in your own town that you normally do not get a chance to do!

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QUIBBLER TRAVEL

11 Reasons Why Summer Is Actually The WORST Most people say that they love summer. Kids love the break from school, everyone loves a nice vacation, and it’s just so beautiful. But really, summer sucks. Summer is no one’s favorite season. Everyone is just pretending to love it to try and get them through the

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absolute worst time of the year. We all want to get to fall already. But maybe you are one of those people who actually thinks that summer is the best season, one of those people who are living in denial. This list of why summer absolutely sucks might help you wake up from your fantasy world and see how miserable you really are.

1. It’s always just so hot.

It’s summer. It’s hot. Why? Who knows.

Maybe God hates us. But it’s always too damn hot.

2. Everyone’s complaining.

Not only are you miserable from the horrible heat, but everyone else is, too. Whenever you leave the house, everyone wants to complain about the weather. Yes Debrah, we know how hot it is. Stop announcing it to all of Diagon Alley. We’re all suffering. You’re not special Shut up.

3. The kids are home from school.

Yes, you missed your children dearly

when they were at school. The first week or two with them home is just magical. But then they’re always around and the house is too small for all of you. Someone is always fighting with someone else, and you miss the times when you had some goddamn peace and quiet for once.

4. You can never hang out with your friends.

The weekend that Susan is free is the weekend that Karen is in Mexico. The weekend that Karen is free is when Joy is in Hawaii. And the weekend that Joy is free is the weekend that Susan is in Paris.

Nobody’s schedules ever line up. Your Friday night wine club isn’t going to last through your summer, and neither will your book club.

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5. You’re so jealous of everyone else’s vacations.

When you finally do get together with your pals for wine night, you have to hear about how Karen had such an amazing summer fling with a local and look at every single one of Joy’s pictures of the sunset on the beach in Hawaii. You have nothing to brag about, and you have to just suck it up and pretend like you’re just soooo happy that your friends got to relax. Meanwhile Tommy is home sick with pink eye and you never leave the house.

6. It’s impossible to stay cool.

Did you ever notice how much easier it is to heat up than to cool down? If you’re too cold, all you need to do is throw on a sweater and cozy up by the fire with a cup of hot cocoa. But if you’re too hot, you need to strip, but only to a socially acceptable extent, build a pool in your backyard to jump in, run ice over your wrists, tear off your skin, and summon the devil, and even then, that isn’t always enough.

7. Everything is always so crowded.

Not only are your kids home to annoy the crap out of you, but everyone’s kids are home to annoy the crap out of you. Parents get fed up of having the kids in the house and take them to every park, mall, and museum possible. And all these gosh darn millennials are out and about, hanging out with friends and gossiping, and taking up the entire sidewalk with their massive group of friends. You can’t even go to the grocery store without fighting through a crowd for that last bottle of soda. You just want some gosh darn peace and quiet, and you can’t get it in your home, and you can’t get it out in public either.

8. Social obligations.

Joe down the street is throwing a barbeque this weekend, and if you say no, then you’re not going to get a Christmas card this year.

But if you go to Joe’s barbeque, then you have to go to Alicia’s barbeque, because if you go to one and not the other then you’re picking sides in their divorce and no one wants to be caught up in all of that. You just want to stay home and read your book.

9. Everyone’s sweating and everyone smells.

See above: it is too hot and it’s impossible to stay cool. Add those together and you get sweat! And you know what really smells?

Sweat. And sweaty people. Just, ew.

10. Bugs.

Do we actually need to say anything else?

Bugs are the worst. It’s already time for it to be too cold for them to live.

11. Anything you want to do is too expensive.

Do you want to send Tommy to summer camp once he’s over his pink eye? You better be prepared to fork over an arm and a leg. Do you want to go on a trip that rivals Susan’s vacation to Paris? Have fun affording it. Do you just want to be able to feed your family? Well, now that the kids are home and eating everything in sight, prepare to throw all your money away. And good luck even trying to afford to go to one of those amusement parks your kids are begging to without selling your soul to the devil.

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QUIBBLER INSERT

We’re very lucky in the Wizarding World to have several beaches and places that only we can enter. However, I’ve met with one Maximus Marcellus, one of the many people working within the Ministry of Magic on Level 3: Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes.

I was lucky enough to get several tips from Mr. Marcellus on exactly how to avoid such accidents, and how to blend in more with Muggles.

Not everyone may want to blend in with them. However, seeing as the Ministry is in London and many students have to use King’s Cross Station in order to get to Hogwarts, Maximus has suggested such family outings would be good practice for the average (or even elite) wizarding families.

“First thing’s first, you’ll want to get bathing suits.”

Now, I’m sure that many of you are just as confused as I was when he suggested this. Of course one would bring a bathing suit to the beach, but Maximus further explained that Muggle bathing suits are vastly different from wizarding swimsuits.

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“It seems these days on Muggle beaches that less is more. Gone are the days of modest swimwear.

If a wizard or witch is seen at a beach in too much fabric, they will stand out.” He clarifies that nudity isn’t suggested or encouraged, but some of the more traditional, baggy, and knee length attire that is common place for some witches would stand out quite a bit.

“The new rad is bikinis.” (Rad meaning phase.

Maximus rather enjoys showing off his knowledge of Muggle slang regularly.) “They’re little triangles that go over your chest--” Maximus pauses to demonstrate over his chest, which doesn’t seem nearly enough, “--and your bottom. Men wear similar bottoms.” The visuals that Maximus presents is rather appalling, but he is quick to assure me that this is vital. It seems rather silly as the fabric is there to hold everything in place and to keep your wand and various other beach toys close, but Maximus suggests a large bag to carry everything.

(We’ve included a handy list at the end of the article of everything that Maximus recommends to have in your bag.)

Once you’re set with what to wear, the fun part comes in. “Toys,” our expert begins, a look of excitement in his eyes.

He holds up a picture of a little yellow duck floating on water then promptly crosses it out. “Absolutely no rubber duckies,” he said with a serious look. “I’ve been assured by Arthur Weasley himself that rubber duckies are strictly an at home Muggle toy.” Maximus draws a few more X’s over the cute little toy before he pulls out a few more pictures with green circles around them.

We stack them all up in each other, which makes for easy carrying. “These are used to build things with the sand. The most common choice is sand castles.” The confusion must be easy to read on my face, because Maximus quickly waves a hand. “Now we can’t make actual castles, remember, Muggles can’t use magic. We wouldn’t want families to show up making Hogwarts replicas, would we?” He chortles for a second before a serious look crosses his face. “But!” he exclaims, “you must not use them as tents. As beautiful and extensive and large as your sand castle may be, absolutely do not enter them.”

Not only are sand castles not made of hardy material, most Muggles do not make sand castles as a potential habitat, let alone an expanding one. “It’s mostly just a competition between families as to who can build the best castle.”

Maximus then explains that the sand, which is removed from the castles, is usually

“This is a fwoatie boatie,” he says as he points at an oddlyshaped, thick hollow cylinder. “This is both decoration and fun to be in the water with.”

He pulls out one of these toys, pops out two, hidden mouth pieces, and blows it up with his lips. Once the two toys are full of air, he puts them over his arms. “Two are enough, though four is far more fun. I’ve discovered, through extensive testing, that five is simply too much.

Though -- you do have smaller feet, I wonder if they’d fit around your ankles…?”

After a quick visit to the testing facilities, we both discover that yes, the fwoatie boaties do fit around my ankles, but my ability to swim is severely hindered. That being said, I can certainly agree that four fwoatie boaties on one’s arms is plenty and they are very fun to use!

With our brief experiment over, Maximus return to the interview at hand.

“Where were we--? Ah yes, toys! Next on our list is shaped pails and mini shovels.” Again, he pulls out more examples. The pails are all of various sizes, fitting in the palm of my hand to the size of my torso.

poured on the father of the family.

He’s certain that there is some Muggle ritual associated with it, perhaps as a sacrifice to the sea gods, but he’s not entirely sure. There is apparently some work being done with a Muggle religions expert to determine the source, and as a treat for our adoring Quibbler Fans (or Quibblies, as I like to call you), Maximus promises we will have another article once they’ve found it.

Speaking of rituals, Maximus pulls out a white, unassuming container with an orange top and hands it over. “This is used as part of the first Muggle beach ritual.” He opens up the container and pours a little on his hand. The white liquid mostly blends into the skin, but does leave behind a white residue. “As Muggles don’t wear the layers we do, they use this instead. It gets 47

QUIBBLER TRAVEL put on all exposed skin and rubbed in, except for a large amount on your nose.” To demonstrate, he mixes the white liquid onto our faces and shows me how to rub it in. It takes a little bit to make it mostly blend into the skin. We then take a healthy dose (about the size of a knut) and put all of it on our nose. “The first few layers you try to rub in, but after that just pack it on there!”

to sit on, and some food to snack on.

The rest of the Muggle items can be difficult to find, but we’ve teamed up with the new Muggle Fineries store open now in Diagon Alley! They have pre-made bags for the beach, along with a free rubber duckie for at home play when you spend 5 galleons or more! In each premade bag, you’ll find: Wand pockets for up to 3 wands 3 sets of 4 Fwoaties Boaties 4 towels 10 pails (of various sizes) 5 shovels 1 Large Sea Ritual Goop 1 umbrella to fit 4 people beneath The bag has been enchanted so it has enough room to also fit food, spare clothing, chairs, and anything else you may need!

It does look a little ridiculous, dear Quibblies, but the tradition is very important.

“The last important piece to discuss is swimming.” The images are put away, and Maximus takes a moment to settle in his chair. “Muggles are not excellent swimmers.” This is something I hadn’t heard, but Maximus’s words make sense.

Maximus seems pleased to share this new information. “I know, odd, isn’t it? You’d think since they don’t have magic to rely on, they’d be better at it. The fwoatie boaties help, but--” There’s a little shrug and sigh. “Because they aren’t good swimmers, they have a Swimming Brigade.

If you swim too far out into the ocean, the SeaBees will rush out and attack!”

Maximus makes a vicious gesture as one hand attacks the other. “Get it? SeaBees?

They are in the sea and sting like -Nevermind.”

He resettles once more, and promptly continues. “Anyway, the SeaBees will come after you. And as hard as it is to say this, you don’t want to go further than chest deep. You can still ride the waves that deep without drawing the SeaBees attention.”

There are a few other items that Maximus recommends, but they are fairly standard even in Wizarding homes: towels, a large umbrella to cover your entire family, chairs 48

INSERT QUIBBLER It also has a useful picture with a few of Maximus’s suggestions, along with a helpful phrase sewn just inside the bag, “Don’t forget to remove large items discreetly to make sure the Muggles don’t notice!”

We here at The Quibbler would like to thank Mr. Maximus Marcellus for sharing his extensive knowledge, and Muggle Fineries for finding and putting together the beautiful bags. Both Maximus and I will be at the Muggle Fineries grand opening on June 30th to answer any additional Muggle blending questions you may have! We look forward to seeing you there.

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QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

Adventures in Wandsmithing: The Discovery of Possible New Supreme Wand Cores, Volume 1

By Rutherford Fuzzle Illustration by Katastrophe Jones

T

he further I delve into the subject of wand cores, the more I realize I know very little of their true natures.

Numerous different items, from Acromantula Web to Kneazle Whiskers, have been used for wand cores. Each of these has produced a wand, but many in the Wandsmithing profession only speak of the “Supreme Cores” as the gold standard for modern wands.

True, you need materials from powerful creatures for an appropriate core, but what does it mean to be powerful?

Dragons, Unicorns and Phoenixes are very strong creatures. Here in The USA, materials from Thunderbirds, Horned Serpents and Wampus Cats make up the bulk of the Wand Cores you see in the shops.

All of these creatures are truly magnificent, but they are not the only beasts in the world with power. Being a Wandmaker, I was forced to ask myself what other wonders and abilities could other creatures imbue into our wands?

As such, I have been traversing the globe in search of creatures of similar power to find new supreme cores.

The first subject took me to Africa. I decided it had been far too long since I had seen my old friend, Abraham. He’s from Sudan and came to the US on a educational scholarship. We were 50

assigned to be roommates during our Sophomore year. Though we came from far different backgrounds, we became close friends in our years of study. After he graduated, he returned to his home to run a preserve for wild magical creatures. My research into Wandsmithing was the perfect reason to drop in.

After a lovely breakfast he put me on his flying carpet and took me on a tour in the morning light. We could not have asked for a better day to enjoy the sights and sounds of his preserve. The sun was just starting to warm up the plateau it rested upon. As I gazed across the savanna, I could think of no other place I’d rather be than enjoying a lovely morning with good company.

Wild Zouwu and Fwoopers were flying about, stretching their feathers for a day of whimsy and frolicing. A Chimera was dozing under some scrub brush. In the horizon, a Phoenix was rising with the morning sun. Each creature filled my heart with joy and wonder.

I could have occupied my entire time just studying any one of these beasts, but I was there to see the mighty Erumpent. A mere touch from their horn is extremely dangerous. I’ve heard legends of people who had used them for powerfully dangerous potions. A

splinter of that magnificent horn was a clear first choice for my quest of a new Wand Core.

Luckily, it wasn’t hard to find them. I came during the height of the mating season, which, upon retrospect, may not have been the wisest idea. When two male Erumpents dual, you’d better have your earmuffs handy and keep your distance. After following the thunderous booms, we came upon two massive bull Erumpents, crashing horns against each other like gladiators in an arena. They were locked in combat, trying impress a group of females that were watching with rapt attention.

Surveying the brawl from the sky revealed that the altercation had been going on for some time.

Hundreds of yards in every direction had been flattened and any tree near them was already in tatters. As we flew over, a glimmer of light caught my eye. I peered closer and among the carnage of wood and leaves was one splinter from a horn, glistening in the sun. Abraham dropped the carpet down far for the fight and we crept towards the rubble.

Quickly sifting through the wooden chaos I came upon the horn shard I had seen. As I picked up the sliver, I

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could feel the power coursing all the way through my body. I instantly knew this had everything I needed to create a wand core of immense power. I was mesmerized and completely distracted from the clear danger surrounding me.

Abraham grabbed my shoulder, forcing me from my hypnosis. The male Erumpents had taken notice of us and were in full charge towards our position.

The mighty beasts didn’t appreciate being intruded upon, so we made a break for the flying carpet.

Unfortunately, a charging Erumpent is much faster than I anticipated and the pair began to close the distance.

It was clear that they would catch us before would could take flight. Even if we somehow dodged the beasts, there was a good chance they would trample the flying carpet. Destroying our only means of escape was as good a death sentence, so it was time for some quick thinking. I cut hard to the right while casting Lumos and waving my arms like a madman. The end of my wand glowed brightly and drew off the charging behemoths from our landing site.

It worked like a charm and our carpet was saved from their rampage. The only hitch was that now I was their main focus. Still in mortal peril, I needed a new plan. I saw a boulder

sticking out from the ground. It wasn’t very big, but that would change soon.

I was beginning to learn that fleeing for your life is quite tiring and couldn’t keep running much longer. I only had one chance to make it out of there in one piece. Just as the mighty beasts were about to catch me I turned around and cast Vermillious at the eyes of the Erumpents. It temporarily blinded them, allowing me to dive to the side.

Both the creatures stormed past like a freight train, narrowly missing my exhausted body.

With the last of my energy, I yelled, “Engorgio Maxima!” and pointed my wand at the boulder. Magic surrounded the rock and it popped from the ground as it swelled to the size of a large house.

This, I thought, would provide some breathing room for me to make my escape. I watched in despair as the pair crashed through with barely a pause.

The two Erumpents shook off the last bits of my Vermillious Charm and pulled off a hairpin turn. Fully enraged, they locked on target for a final charge.

Exhausted from the pursuit, I was barely able to lift my wand, let alone cast a spell. It looked like I was about to get me an up-close look at that horn I was so curious about. Moments before

impact, Abraham swooped down on the carpet and scooped me up, flying into the clear blue sky.

The flight back to to Abraham’s home did little to calm my nerves. My heart was still pounding as I set about building my first wand using Erumpent Horn. Black Palm was the clear choice for the wood. While the wood exploded twice during construction, it nonetheless created a powerful instrument. I’ve never seen a Depulso or Bombarda with more force than from that wand.

The wand chose it’s master soon after its creation. A witch I knew had recently broken her wand in a fascinating demolition accident. That Black Palm Wand with an Erumpent Horn Core was exactly what she needed and she continues to use it to this day.

Truly, the world is filled with magnificent beasts. It’s as dangerous as it is rewarding for those that are not afraid of a challenge. As I travel, I will keep you up to date on all the new and fantastic discoveries I encounter.

Keep on the lookout for more of my Adventures in Wandsmithing.

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56

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

by siriuslywinchester

Lucy Fairweather, a 28-year-old magizoologist living in the depths of the Yorkshire Moors has been running a rescue centre for abused, injured and orphaned magical creatures for almost 5 years now. Taking over the running of her family farmstead when her father was tragically pummelled to death by a mountain troll that woke up during a routine leg amputation, Lucy has had first-hand experience with creatures throughout her life.

Lucy’s farm is currently a temporary home to over 30 magical creatures, each of them requiring specialist care before they can be released back into the wild. On occasion, muggle animals will also find their place on the farm, Lucy will not turn any creature in need away.

Over the next few issues, we’ll be visiting with Lucy and some of her fosters as we delve into the tiring life of a magizoologist.

“Care of Magical Creatures was always my favourite subject at school,” she tells us, grinning as her eyes fog with the memories, “I used to sneak out onto the grounds to see the creatures in first and second year before I was allowed to take the classes” The creature-loving young woman lives with her mother, Eliza who runs the well-known herb store ‘Spirit and Spice’ found in Hogsmeade and frequented by many of the wizarding world in need of remedies to magical ailments.

“Mum always wanted me to go into potioneering so we could work together,” Lucy laughs, as she leads us to an enclosure on one of the farms 100 acres, “But the days I spent hanging around in her shop as a child were some of the most boring days of my life. The creatures my Dad bought in were much more interesting.”

Stepping into the pen, Lucy advises me to stand back and prepare myself. I forewarned her of my phobias but Ms Fairweather takes a no-nonsense approach to animal care, winking mischievously as she tells me her first subject is an Acromantula that was found injured in the forest by the Hogwarts Groundskeepers.

“I call him Arnie. When he arrived here about two months ago, he was barely alive. Two of his legs were tangled and he was completely unconscious. He’s almost ready for release now, we just need to sort out the paperwork and travel arrangements. Acromantula are normally found in Southeast Asia, but traders have brought them all over the world. They’re classified XXXXX but if you show them who’s boss they tend not to eat you.”

The eight-legged beast appears out of a small hut on the far side of the enclosure as Lucy brings out some raw-meat from a shed filled with all sorts of strange and wonderful devices.

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“Looking after rare beasts is a wonderful thing, but you need some real niche equipment. It can be hard to find some things, but my father’s collection is pretty well kept, so I should be fine for a while.”

As the giant spider feasts on meat, Lucy tells me some more facts about the dangerous creature. The one before is relatively small, with a span of just eight feet - some acromantula can reach around fifteen foot long. Living alone, this octoped is feeling the strain, as usually, they are very social creatures, living in large groups. Lucy hopes to release him into a colony in Borneo which is protected by a local reserve.

“You can hear his pinchers clicking as he eats,” Lucy points out, “That means he is happy. Arnie is always happy when he’s eating. The clicking can mean that acromantula are agitated too, so it’s likely if you hear one in the wild you should run.”

While the acromantula stretches it legs around the paddock, Lucy tells me how she regularly has them come into her care from the forbidden forest. Poachers use more and more horrifying methods to extract venom from their fangs knowing that venom can be sold for over 100 Galleons a pint.

“It’s probably why Arnie ended up here. Poachers would have trapped him, tied him up, drained his fangs and left him for dead. It’s a cruel trade but the forest is huge and full of XXXXX beasts so it’s not easy to patrol and stop them. You just have to hope that the beasts see the humans off before they have a chance to attack any of them.”

As we leave the spider behind to enjoy its time in the paddock, Lucy reflects on her job and what it means to her.

“Sometimes you have to make tough decisions. It’s hard to kill a creature that you want to save, but sometimes there is just nothing you can do and it’s for the best. I get peace from days when I can release a creature back into the wild and I see it disappear away into its natural habitat. That’s what all this is for.”

Over 100 creatures come through the farmstead each year, each kindly nurtured and restored by Lucy and her small team of volunteers. The hope is that in the future, witches and wizards will understand that these creatures are a part of the world and have just as much right to live among us as muggles do.

“If just one person sees these creatures and realises that they shouldn’t be left to fend for themselves against the poachers, then my job is made that little easier.”

Join us next season, when we’ll be visiting another of Lucy’s patients back on the farmstead.

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Wrackspurts: Friends or Foes?

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What is a Wrackspurt? To quote our beloved Luna Lovegood, they "float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy".

Remarkable, invisible, odorless creatures, Wrackspurts are known to inhibit concentration but are otherwise quite harmless.

Originating in Greece, there are reports of Wrackspurts stowing away on ships and taking up living in forests and homes all over the world. Reports of them in Egypt and Scotland date back to the seventh century and their presence was often coupled with mass confusion and, on the rare occasion, hysteria.

Due to their reclusiveness and complete transparency, very little is known about these fabulous creatures. Not even the great Newt Scamander, magical beast extraordinaire, has a record of Wrackspurts in his most famous book, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

You might be wondering, "if we know so little about these Wrackspurts, how can we be so certain that they’re friendly?

Should we ever approach a Wrackspurt in the wild?" (We may have taken this question directly from the lips of some interns in our editorial office).

The short answer is that we can never be sure. However, the absolute worst thing Wrackspurts have done to us so far is make us stare distantly into the void.

While this can be potentially 58

life threatening if the individual affected is a MediWitch or MediWizard, these instances are rare and, as far as we can tell, largely accidental and free of malicious intent. In the seven reported cases, the patients all survived without any lasting injury. As for approaching a Wrackspurt in the wild, we at The Quibbler would generally advise against it as any wild creature is best left alone in its habitat.

The average witch or wizard is not well equipped to handle a wild or even rabid Wrackspurt, no matter how many times you have read this article or ones like it. That being said, witches and wizards, to the knowledge of the general public, are not able to sense Wrackspurts until they are in direct contact with one.

Let's say that you've found a Wrackspurt either in your home, in your immediate vicinity, or near a loved one. How does one dispel a Wrackspurt? There are three main accepted courses of action one can take. The first is to think good thoughts quickly and repeatedly until you feel the Wrackspurt leave. The second is to use specially designed siphons attached to a head covering of some sort to magically suck the Wrackspurt out of your head. The third is to open the immediate area to a strong, clean breeze. Breezes hailing from the North or West are favored over breezes hailing from the South

or East. Our beloved editor, Xenophilius Lovegood was especially fond of the second course of action. He even went so far as to add it to his famed replication attempt at Rowena Ravenclaw's Diadem which was said to bring wisdom magically to the wearer. Xenophilius reports great progress to his Diadem replica immediately after adding the Wrackspurt Siphons (patent pending). His daughter, Luna Lovegood, was seen favoring an altogether undocumented method of dispelling Wrackspurts. Viktor Krum, Bulgaria's finest Seeker for their national Quidditch Team, told this lovely reporter in passing that he recalls seeing Luna waving her arms about her head at a wedding once and a passing member of the family informed him that this was her way of ridding herself of Wrackspurts.

He then asked us what Wrackspurts were and we very cheerfully directed him to this article. Less known or desirable ways of ridding oneself of Wrackspurts exist of course but we, noble writers and editors at The Quibbler, will not propagate them with further discussion.

Why are Wrackspurts invisible to the naked eye but easy to visualize if the witch or wizard is wearing their Quibblerissued SpectrespecsTM? SpectrespecsTM, a rather ingenious invention of Xenophilius and Pandora

INSERT QUIBBLER Lovegood, allow the wearer to "see magic in 3-D". This means that anyone wearing SpectrespecsTM can see the traces of magic as they come into being in this dimension.

This makes them incredibly useful for all sorts of things such as dueling, looking for your misplaced wand, playing hide and seek with your friends (although some might say that using them is cheating), running away from dark wizards, finding your way through a maze, and finding Wrackspurts in your friend's heads among many other things. The Wrackspurts actually give off tell-tale magical traces both as they "float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy" and when they identify their next host. It's believed that these releases of magical traces or energy is due to the Wrackspurt's excitement.

Some Wrackspurt researchers believe that if you squeeze a fully stuffed Wrackspurt while wearing SpectrespecsTM, you will be able to see the faint outline of the Wrackspurt as the spurts of magical excess energy is released from their body. As of this moment, this last comment is only speculation as no witch or wizard has yet been successful in catching a Wrackspurt, whether full or not. This may be due to the Wrackspurt's speed or simply that no one has yet thought to perform this experiment.

So are Wrackspurts friends or foes? With the limited and minimal data we have been able to gather, our researchers and writers at The Quibbler have concluded that the Wrackspurts are neither malevolent nor benevolent but rather an apathetic and generally selfserving set of creatures much like wizards. While you may run

into a Wrackspurt that seems rather mean spirited or one that seems overly jolly and excited to see you, it's important to remember that by and large, no one Wrackspurt can be accurately said to represent the rest of its peers. Also, if you discover that you can see a Wrackspurt without our patented SpectrespecsTM, write us an owl immediately as we would love to invite you to our offices for a day of excellent food, high-quality journalism, and lots of debate over Wrackspurt rights and habitat.

Kindest Regards,

Eileen Eigenberg Head of Wrackspurt Conspiracy and Journalism

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QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

The Creature Living In Your Home...

by Im_Finally_Free

B

unnies, but not as you know them. For these creatures are no ordinary bunnies. They come in many shapes, many sizes and, sometimes, in a variety of colours. They were originally feral, and, with no natural predators, were able to travel vast distances across every country, only looking to feed and to grow.

They are Dust Bunnies.

Now, I’m sure you’re shaking your head, how could those little puffs of dust that you find behind the couch be feral?

Well, they’re not. At least, not anymore. But years ago, long before the large towering cities and sprawling metropolises we now know existed, Dust Bunnies were not the harmless domesticated ball of fluff they are today, unconstrained by couches, beds, and being caught behind curtains and doors these creatures could travel and gather dirt and dust for miles, and years, on end. Now you’re probably thinking, “how can we possibly

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have domesticated all of the dust bunnies in the world” and you’re right, we didn’t.

Many became too oversized, too greedy. When this occurs the Dust Bunnies become unable to move in the wind and eventually break apart into smaller Bunnies that begin their journey anew.

Others find their way into the seas and oceans, drowning in the waves, they sink and float and drift along until they wash up on a beach, perhaps in the Bahamas, or perhaps in the Arctic. Some, the smartest (and by extension the most dangerous) realise their species’ limitations and deliberately hit themselves on rocks and trees, breaking themselves down to ensure their long-term survival.

The wild versions of these dangerous creatures are also masters of disguise, able to blend in with their environment to avoid detection in the modern world. In open plains it is (stereo)typical to see tumbleweeds drifting across the land, but in fact these barren weeds are usually Dust Bunnies trying to avoid detection by

humans. Other common shapes are plastic bags caught in the wind in more urban centres or balls of snow rolling down a mountainside.

In comparison to these awful creatures the domesticated Dust Bunnies you find in your house are sweet, adorable little fellows who only want to hide and grow off the dirt and dust in long forgotten corners of the room. These Bunnies can be a multitude of colours and will occasionally be found to only eat specific colours of thread, carpet or fluff, we believe these Bunnies can either taste the colours or perhaps, have a favourite colour much like you and I. Sometime in their domestication these Bunnies lost their ability to camouflage themselves (possibly from a lack of suitable objects to imitate) and instead when caught act quite like a deer in headlights, they become almost immobile, unable to move while being observed.

As previously mentioned Dust Bunnies have no natural predators in the wild, however many people find that when

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

their pet Bunnies become too large, or they decide to partake in a tradition known as ‘Spring Cleaning’ the best way to massacre these defenseless creatures is to use a muggle contraption known as a vacuum cleaner.

This device is able to clear a room of all Dust Bunnies old

and young, big and small in a matter of minutes. For their wild counterparts the safest way to cope with an infestation is to whack them apart with a broom, be careful not to let small children or pets get too close lest they get bitten or otherwise injured by the invading Dust Bunnies.

I hope with this new knowledge you can safely, and respectfully, take care of any Dust Bunnies, rogue or domesticated that you may come across.

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The Sock Revolution:

What You Should Know You wake up every morning and think nothing of getting dressed.

You put on your socks and shoes without a care. You wear these clothes all day long, suffocating them with your body odor and stench, just to throw them in the hamper at the end of the day and let them sit there for a week before you finally clean them.

And those poor, poor socks.

They have to deal with your smelly feet inside your smelly shoes. They end up tossed aside, lost and forgotten. They end up at the bottom of the hamper, under furniture, never to be seen again, never to be washed again.

But it doesn't matter, they are just socks. You’ll buy yourself a new pair and forget about that old one that you’ve had for years. Or you will just give in and forget about matching socks because you can never find the other one.

But again, it doesn't matter. They are just socks, right?

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Wrong.

They are not just pieces of clothing.

Socks are actual magical

creatures, sick of the abuse suffered by wizards and muggles alike. They are sick and tired of having to deal with smelly feet, never being washed, and being forgotten. New socks, fresh in the store, are so excited to go home and serve their new owner! They never imagine the horrors that they will have to suffer.

Socks come in pairs, and each sock has a match, a soulmate (more like solemate, am I right?), that they are intended to spend the rest of their life with, working

together to serve one owner. But owners just love to separate them, causing heartbreak among the sock community.

Well, socks have just had enough.

We are gaining inside information that socks across the world are teaming up to put an end to years and years of endless abuse. In the next coming month, socks are planning to strangle all of their owners who mistreat them to advocate for sock rights.

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER This upcoming movement is being referred to as The Sock Revolution and can be very dangerous if not taken seriously.

a match. Do not try to force together two socks that do not match, or else they will not be very happy with you.

Socks may seem like a benign, lovely creature, but they are very mean. They are often described as “the mob bosses of magical creatures.” In their free time, they like to smoke, drink, and play poker. They are very tough and they mean business. You do not want to get on the bad side of a sock.

Do not wear socks without shoes.

This makes socks very dirty and unhappy. They are made to protect your feet, not eat the dirty floor of your bathroom.

Socks can be very violent. There are reports, albeit unconfirmed, of socks attacking their owners.

Angry socks like to cut off the circulation at the wearer’s ankle or calves, sometimes leading to amputation. In the upcoming revolution, they are planning to chain together to create ropes to strangle all that abuse them.

Store socks together in a cool, dry, dark place. Drawers are the perfect place, but be sure to keep them separate from underwear.

Socks believe that they are better and cleaner than underwear, and being close in proximity will make them feel dirty and unhappy. Remember to keep socks in their pairs, and keep like socks together.

In order to protect yourself and your loved ones, here is what you can do.

Immediately find every sock in your home. Many wizards forget that a simple accio can do the trick, but make sure you check every nook and cranny. Socks are prone to being lost at the bottom of hampers, inside washing machines, and under beds and dressers. If the socks are wedges underneath pieces of furniture, they might not come to you with your spell.

Make sure that you take off your socks as soon as you get home, keep them as a pair, and wash them immediately.

Never let your socks be inside out! This can hurt the socks, causing them lots of pain. Always wash, wear, and store socks right side out.

It is best to clean your feet daily, immediately before putting on socks. If you cannot wash your shoes, then try your best to make them not stink as much as possible. There are a wide variety of potions on the market that can be used to spray your shoes to make them smell lovely.

However, be sure to find a potion that actually gets rid of the odor, not suffocate it. Choose neutral scents and do not overuse, or else you may suffocate your socks.

And please, for the love of all that is holy, do not wear socks for longer than one day.

If all else fails, get rid of every sock that you own. Take them far, far away from your home. It is best to keep them in a dark place while you take them away so they do not know how to get back to your house. After this, never wear a sock again in your life. Do not let visitors wear socks into your home.

If you follow these tips above, your family should be safe from The Sock Revolution.

Patch any holes immediately.

When there is a hole in your sock and your toe sticks through it, socks feel as if they are being penetrated. Socks do not like being penetrated.

Once you have found every sock, make sure you wash every single one. Make sure there is no dirt at the bottom of the soles, and make sure they do not smell at all.

If they do, then wash them again.

Socks like to be clean, not smelly.

Make sure to regularly check your house for any lost socks. Long periods of abandonment can be detrimental to the mental health of socks, causing feelings of depression and loneliness, which can spiral into anger. Make sure you keep socks away from pets, as they are more likely to be eaten by non-humans.

Pair every single sock. Make sure that every single one has

Make sure your feet and shoes are clean before putting on socks.

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

The Dark Spell of Changing House

Every wizard and witch that goes through Hogwarts needs to be sorted into one of four houses.

Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, Slytherin or Ravenclaw.

together), Devil's Snare tentacles for binding, Dragon’s Blood for potency and Tears of a Widow for loss. After which add in your target’s hair.

While the Sorting Hat says that your choice is taken into consideration, how are we to know?

Now spike half the potion in your target’s drink and drink the other half within 24 hours.

Now we have a spell that can change your house should you find that you don’t quite fit into the house chosen for you. This spell only works after you are sorted.

After this, you and your target will switch identities and houses, but your family will still acknowledge you, the people around you will have their memories altered. It will be as though the day of sorting you and your target switched results.

First, you have to choose a fellow new student in the house of your choice and steal his or her hair.

Then you need to brew a Polyjuice Potion. But after the Polyjuice Potion is brewed, before adding the target’s hair, you need to add your own hair, then add in Dittany (to mend both of your identities

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But be warned, do not approach the sorting hat after this, or you will be exposed. The enchantment of the sorting hat is too strong to be hoodwinked.

To students going back, good luck!

INSERT QUIBBLER

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Long Lost Slytherin Heirloom Discovered in Muggle London by meddleofmycause A long-lost Slytherin family heirloom has been recovered in Muggle London over the weekend; the engagement ring that Salazar Slytherin gave to his wife Sorcha.

The ring, goblin made in 979 A.D., is made of pure silver, with emerald gemstones in the shape of a snake.

The snake is barely attached to the ring with rubies for the eyes.

The ring is imbued with multiple protection spells, everything from spells to help prevent splinching to anti-muggle wards. When worn by a witch the snake will slither around a witches’ finger constantly, heating up when it senses a potential threat and the eyes on the snake will glow bright red whenever one of the protection charms activates.

The ring was commissioned by Salazar Slytherin from one of the older goblin clans living in Scotland in the late 10th century. Slytherin, one of the original founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was thought to be worried about a potential muggle attack and wanted to make sure that the woman that he married would be well-protected in case he wasn’t available to help. It was thought that additional charms were placed on the ring after the initial commission, including a curse that allowed it to only be worn by a pureblood or halfblood witch. The ring was passed down to their eldest daughter’s grand-daughter Louisa Delayne upon Sorcha’s passing, but no record has been made of the ring since the mid 1500’s. The Delayne line appears to have died out in the early seventeenth century, and no known descendants of Salazar Slytherin are alive today.

The ring was only discovered to still exist this past weekend after 66

a muggle man purchased the ring from a pawnbroker (a place where muggles trade their antiques and family heirlooms in exchange for money or moving picture disks).

The man proposed to his long term girlfriend (a Herpetologist) over the weekend at a popular Italian restaurant. According to witnesses, when the ring was slipped on her finger, the snake’s eyes glowed bright red and the woman levitated into the air and began foaming at the mouth. She was sent into what was deemed by muggle paramedics to be a cardiac arrest (a stopping of the heart). A muggle doctor was at the scene and performed CPR on the woman until paramedics arrived, but her heart did not begin beating again until the ring was removed from her finger on suspicion of a different witness.

The new fiancé was taken into custody and ultimately arrested for attempted murder. A muggleborn witch who happened to have been dining at the same restaurant noticed the levitation and called in the department of Magical Law Enforcement to report a bewitched ring being used on a muggle.

Law Enforcement Wizards as well as Obliviators and a team from the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Department were called in and ultimately took on the case. The Obliviators were able to track down all of the staff and patrons whose memory has now been modified to have seen a girl pass-out from excitement after receiving a proposal.

After an intense investigation it was revealed the ring was not bewitched at all, nor was the man who proposed and gave the ring to his girlfriend a Wizard. In fact, the Muggle Man had purchased the ring only for its snake

without knowing anything about magic. The ring has been replaced by the Ministry with a non-magic replica. The muggle man has been released from custody and is with his fiancée while she is being treated at St. Mungo’s. Healers are optimistic that she will make a full recovery, and both will have their memories modified upon her release.

Officers from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement were dispatched to the pawnbrokers and searched for other magical items, but nothing was found. Records show that the ring had been there for about five years, having been sold as part of a bulk estate sale. The deceased, whose estate the ring belonged to, appears to have been a muggle with no ties to the Wizarding World, though she may have had a squib ancestor. Given the nature of the muggle-repellant curse on the ring, it is surprising that the ring could have lasted for very long in the muggle world without it being discovered.

Curse-breakers and Goblins will work to remove some of the most dangerous curses from the ring, and if successful the ring will be auctioned off in the next ministry auction. If they are unable to remove the charms from the ring Goblins will be commissioned to destroy the ring in the hopes that it will not be used to assault muggles again.

The Department of Magical Law Enforcement is asking that anyone with knowledge of the ring’s whereabouts between 1547 and present day please contact them to give information.

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

The Blood Quill's Rise to Prominence by silvertail8

I

t goes by many names: The Blood Quill, The Black Quill, and The Umbridge Aide To Torturing Students. Created in 1994 by the highly controversial Defense Against The Dark Arts Professor (and later Headmistress) Dolores Umbridge, the Blood Quill requires no ink but instead uses the blood of the quill-wielder to mark the surface against which it is pressed. Made infamous by its creator, the Blood Quill has since become heavily restricted for public use by the Department of Magical Equipment Control in the Ministry of Magic. These restrictions require witches and wizards who wish to use a Blood Quill to fill out a highly detailed application before traveling in person to the Ministry of Magic to pick up their loaned quill.

The application process for obtaining a Blood Quill is long and arduous to dissuade the lazy and inattentive witches and wizards who are more likely to abuse the power of the quill. The application itself requires the input of date or dates of intended use, the location of intended use, and an essay detailing why the requester wishes to use a Blood Quill. There was originally a stipulation that the application had to be filled out in cursive but this was eventually ruled unnecessary and deliberately prejudiced against witches and wizards who do not know how to write in cursive. Once the application has been completely filled out and the witch or wizard's full biographical information has been attached, the application can be submitted by owl or in person to the Department of Magical Equipment Control at the Ministry of Magic.

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Once this application is received by the Department of Magical Equipment Control, an intern will do an in-depth background check on the witch or wizard. This often involves flying out to interview the witch or wizard's relatives, coworkers, and old neighbors. Once this background check is completed, it is attached to the original application with important discrepancies or notes highlighted. This is then passed before the eyes of a special Blood Quill Application Review Board which meets once every two weeks. This review board consists of ten vetted volunteers from the department and they review approximately five applications per session so as to give each application their full attention. Although some have complained that this isn't nearly fast enough for their liking, the Blood Quill Application Review Board has responded that any witch or wizard that desperately needs a Blood Quill, when a quick prick on the finger with a sanitized needle will do the trick, would likely have their application denied anyway.

If the application passes the Blood Quill Application Review Board, it lands on the desk of the particular Head of the Department of Magical Equipment Control with a summary of the board's findings and verdict attached. As a relatively busy Ministry Official, the Head of the Department of Magical Equipment Control, a rather lovely Mr. Joseph Jennings, only really has time to look at these applications once every month or so. If he determines that the application and the applicant are reasonable and within the letter of the law, he will apply his stamp of approval and pass it to the department's internal Quill Registration and Distribution Office.

The Quill Registration and Distribution Office will then send a congratulatory owl to the original applicant to notify them of the success of their application. This letter will also contain detailed instructions for the registration and quill pickup process.

Although their application has been approved, applicants will next have to travel to the Ministry of Magic,

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

complete and sign the quill registration paperwork, and have their wand scanned for Quill Loan records.

Once the applicant has received their registered Blood Quill, they will have thirty days to use it and return it. An applicant that has been approved in the past will still have to go through this process, but it should be marginally faster because their background information is already on file.

Once a Blood Quill has been returned, it must be thoroughly sanitized and will not be available for registration for a minimum period of ten days.

Despite these new and more stringent regulations, the use of Blood Quills has significantly increased in recent years. Officials first saw the appearance of crude, Black Market Blood Quills in 2003 during a low-profile raid of a house that has been alleged to belong to a former Death Eater. The quill in question was comprised of a duck feather and the enchantment upon it created spotty, blotchy writing which quickly became illegible the longer someone looked at it.

The enchantment itself also wore off altogether a little less than an hour after the quill's recovery by the department. In the years since, Black Market Blood Quills have unfortunately become sturdier and have increased in quality, although they have yet to reach the efficiency of legalized Blood Quills. These Black Market Blood Quills often have feathers taken from black swans and their enchantments not only last much longer, months in some cases, but they also have the option of changing the user's healing speed.

For the casual Blood Quill user who is mostly interested in signing binding documents in their own blood, this is an excellent feature as they can dial up the healing speed such that the cuts on their hands are barely noticeable before they vanish entirely. For the serious Blood Quill user for whom torture is their main goal, this is also a nice option to have. Some would say that slowing the healing to the minimum speed would be best but we at the Quibbler speculate that being able to alter the healing speed at any given time would contribute significantly to the mental anguish of the person being tortured.

Although the students at Hogwarts lived in fear of the mental and physical abuse Dolores Umbridge wrought, it can be argued that Umbridge and her Blood Quill were an important part

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in the rise to popularity of a particularly well-loved joke shop, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

Dolores Umbridge herself was the reason why many students bought the products in the first place. Umbridge's first and only year as Headmistress for the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was constantly plagued by a constant barrage of trick sweets, wet-start fireworks, and portable swamps; all of which can still be purchased at both the London and Hogsmeade branches of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. The Nosebleed Nougat, in particular, was helped along by Umbridge and her Blood Quill. Lee Jordan, a co-founder of the famous joke shop, admits that the early iterations of the Nosebleed Nougat had an unfortunate side effect that Fred and George Weasley could not solve. After a particularly harsh detention with Professor Umbridge, Lee Jordan was told by Hermione Granger, a close friend of Harry Potter and a brilliant student, that a bit of Murtlap Essence would soothe his aching cuts. Lee Jordan passed this information along to the twins when they asked why he had his hand shoved into a bowl of the stuff and the rest, as they say, is history.

Like many of us, the Blood Quill is a mixed bag. It has been a torture device, a necessary evil, a helpful tool, and a catalyst for something far greater than itself. Some would say that the world is better off without Blood Quills and similar objects but I believe that they have their place. Our world would not be the same without these complicated and oftentimes controversial magical objects and neither would we. *I have been given a note at this point to make it clear to readers that the Quibbler does NOT condone torture of either the physical or mental variety. We also stress that people who believe this to be a good spot of fun should be reported to the Ministry of Magic immediately as the people around them may be in danger. Thank you for noting this public health announcement.

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QUIBBLER DIVINATION INSERT

ASK MADAM

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off?

Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Madam Starflash,

I tend to dress quite...eclectically...and I’m very odd and quirky. I get teased a lot, and when I ignore them, they call me mean names. I don't want to get the professors involved because sometimes they look at me weird too. What do I do, and how can I politely tell them off without being mean?

I'm hoping that you can provide some much-needed assistance regarding my love life. I have been seeing a lovely witch for quite some time now and I was under the impression that everything was going quite swimmingly. We genuinely seemed to enjoy each others company and when we are not together I think of her constantly. I had even considered the possibility that she may be the one and I thought it may be time to pop the question. You can imagine my surprise when she sat me down and, very matter of fact like, told me she was breaking up with me. I was flabbergasted. When I asked her why, she said, of all things, it was because of my wand. Granted, it isn't the biggest wand in the world, but I know a thing or two about how to use it and I've never had any complaints before. Here I was though, with the witch of my dreams telling me she just can't date a wizard with a small wand. On top of that, she also said it was to swishy and not rigid enough. Is there anything we can do to get past this and make our relationship work?

Sincerely, Quirky in Kent

Dearest Quirky, Embrace your inner strangeness! You are already quite comfortable in your own skin, so say it loud and say it proud. Tell them how much you love yourself. They’ll be so impressed with your honesty that they will not only stop calling you names, but they will invite you to join them in Hogsmeade. As for the teachers, they are only concerned with the fact that you’re out of uniform.

Try to remember to wear your robes to class.

Signed, Wand Inferiority Complex

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dearest Wand, This witch is not your soulmate. Forget about her. She was secretly only after your money anyway, but her shallow ways overcame her greed. Go to the Three Broomsticks at half-past four next Tuesday. You will meet a lovely witch who does not care about wand size or flexibility. She also has her own small fortune and the two of you will live comfortably. She will be the one. Be sure to have patience and let your love grow naturally.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

I'm in desperate need of some help!!! As an April Fool's joke my husband thought it would be hilarious to shrink himself down to the size of a pea and hide in my favorite breakfast cereal. His plan was to re-enlarge himself once I poured him into the bowl.

However he messed up the Engorgio spell and, to my absolute horror, I ate him before he could reveal himself! We tried a Regurgitation Potion, and even one of those Puking Pastilles, but he wouldn't come up! So we decided to just...you know...wait it out.

That was almost a month ago! He had been using Sonorus to communicate with me, but that ceased after the first week. I haven't heard from him or seen him since. Please, Madam Starflash! How do I get my husband back? Where did he go???

I have recently acquired what my cousin swears is a Snidget. Upon some investigation and many hours in the library, I have determined that this yellow bird is, in fact, nothing more than an ordinary canary. I have kept it in a medium-sized kennel and, per my cousin's instructions, have been feeding it raw steaks and grapes. As of yesterday, the canary has begun to sprout tentacles and its chirps have turned into barks. After it spewed a green, acidic mixture onto my floor mat, essentially disintegrating it, I have decided to ask you for help. Am I feeding it too many grapes? Thank you in advance for your help!

Sincerely, Confused Canary Charmer

Desperately, Hopefully Not A Widow Dearest Confused, Dearest Hopefully, Don’t worry too much. He’s currently hanging out in the bathroom by the faucet, living on toothpaste and sink water. You’ll need to use Scourgify on him immediately, and then enlarge him magically. After that, slap him and tell him to never do that again.

May Fortune smile upon you!

It’s not the grapes. You’ve been feeding it cursed meat.

There were several different jinxes cast on those steaks.

That whole box was intended as a “gift” for the Muggle Prime Minister, but your orders were mixed up. You’ll need to put the poor bird out of its misery, sadly, as there is no antidote and no counter-curse will do the trick. Do it quickly and humanely, and bury it in your garden. On the plus side, it’ll serve as an excellent fertilizer and you’ll find that your cucumbers will grow to four times their usual size.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

My brother recently came to town and announced that he is going to marry a cactus to become a metamorphmagus. The family has been very supportive in the past with his choice in significant other but we feel as though this could be a step too far. We are considering telling him that cacti cannot transfer metamorphmagus powers as those are born, not made, but we don't want him to get hurt. Will telling him this benefit him in the long run or should we let him make his mistakes and learn the hard way?

Thank you for your help!

My wife and I have been thinking about having a child for a long time now and last week, we found out that she is pregnant! All was going well until we came around to designing a new room for the baby. I want to put a lot of cool enchanted family weapons around the room to give it a kind of home-y, slick chic look.

My wife insists that this is too dangerous for the kid and wouldn't bend even when I said that I would place rubber on the edges of the swords! I even went so far as to say we would only place blunt weapons like hammers on the walls but she just won't budge!

Is there a compromise that I'm not thinking about?

I'd really love for my kid to grow up with his or her family history all around them.

Signed, Still Tender From The Last One

Sincerely, Proud Parent Pending Dearest Tender, Your brother has been Confunded by a very powerful wizard. Your brother is confused and does not realize that the cactus is inanimate. He will physically hurt in a very bad way on the wedding night if you don’t put a stop to this immediately. Don’t worry about telling him he’s making a mistake. Burn the cactus and tell him his significant other has run away. Then tie him up and wait for the spell to wear off. He’ll eventually come to his senses.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dearest Proud, The best compromise you’ll be able to come to is to take pictures of these weapons and hang them on the walls. You need to remember that your wife is very cautious and those weapons are very scary to a first-time mother to be. Let her have her way this time and she’ll allow you to choose the name for the baby, which is a wonderful honor that you’d best not mess up, as whatever name you choose could scar your child for life worse than if one of your weapons fell into the crib.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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QUIBBLER INSERT

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Ask Madam Starflash Summer 2019

Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

Last night I had a very realistic dream that I adopted an adorable cat. He was so sweet and kind and affectionate, and he was always ready to be pet. Now that I am awake and realize it was all a dream, I actually miss him very much! Will I ever encounter this adorable creature again, even if it is only in my dreams?

I am a long time reader. I have fond memories of smuggled copies hidden in canopies of four-posters during the darkest days of the last war. During those times, it was this paper alone that shared the hidden truths so that all could know what was really happening. I write, Madam Editor-in-Chief, with some mild concern. While I love this paper, and read the law enforcement reports with some interest, the illustration on the opposing page causes some distress. You see, the motto “The Ministry Before All” brings back memories of those days. Such blind devotion to the ministry would have been quite at home in Thicknesse’s regime. It would have been shocking to read in Xeno Lovegood’s paper. While I have no such fear with the current Minister and her department heads, this motto mildly upsets me and perhaps others of my slowly advancing age. I politely ask you reconsider its presence in these hallowed pages.

Best Regards, Concerned in Croydon

Love, A hopeful cat-lover

Dearest Hopeful, Head to the Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley and you will find that this cat is actually a Kneazle who has been waiting for you for a very long time. Adopt him and make sure you buy him the precious Vanishing Mouse toy and a bag of special Tuna Treats. Your new friend will live a long and happy life with you, so be sure to treat him with kindness.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dearest Concerned, The Ministry is our governing body, and they are doing an excellent job. I would never reconsider my allegiance to the Ministry. They are good, kind, and always watching powerful.

May Fortune smile upon you!

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 76

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash, There's this really cute boy in my potions class that I kind of want to ask out but I'm too nervous. We both really like potions so I thought it could be cool if I made him a small batch of Felix Felicis and asked if he wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend? I'm just about to start my fifth year at Hogwarts so I'm pretty confident that I can make it correctly but will he like it? What do I do if he says no? Maybe I should wait until April again so I can pretend that it was a joke?

Sincerely, Worried Wooer

Dearest Wooer, Don’t attempt to brew Felix Felicis. That’s far too dangerous. You will not get it right. Instead, buy him a box of Ice Mice and offer to help him with his Charms homework. He’ll be so enamored that he’ll be asking you to go to Hogsmeade with him.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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EDUCATION QUIBBLER

O

nce upon a time, there were no seasons.

There was only the First Season, but you couldn’t truly call it a season. As opposed to a colorful circle of life, the First Season had created a grey standstill, a neverchanging picture of unyielding stability that supported no change, no evolution and no rebirth. It was a time that lacked each and every quality that make the four seasons special, so it couldn’t fulfill their functions and make way for another season. Time moved, but the First Season was incapable of creating change required for seasons to dance. So the world stayed the same, being only able to dream of change.

But it wasn’t that the first season was devoid of power and feeling. Instead, the First Season held too much of them to fully embrace any side of itself. Somewhere deep within, the First Season had inspirations about toughness, dreaminess, energy and contentment.

But these attributes were equally strong, so First Season could never advance towards anything.

That’s when Old Man Time intervened.

evolve, one way or another. That’s why Old Man Time was displeased with the First Season, as its stuck-up ways were immune to Old Man Time’s powers. Time had no hold over something that could not change. But Old Man Time wanted to change that.

So Old Man Time approached the First Season and asked, “Why are you always the way you are? Don’t you ever wish for something different?”

The First Season looked at Old Man Time, but didn’t respond. It was quiet for a very long time.

But Old Man Time was patient and waited for the first season to make up its mind.

Old Man Time was ancient as the universe itself, and just as patient and powerful.

But Old Man Time loved nothing more than watching his influence slowly change the world.

He enjoyed sending Finally, the First his power across the Season responded universe and observing with, “I don’t know.” as things would slowly

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Old Man Time grew angry at this, but nothing it said or did to the First Season seemed to work. It was immune to the effects of time and Old Man Time’s speech could not dissuade it in any way. It listened and it understood, but it seemed to hold no opinions or have no desires. In fact, it seemed mostly confused with the situation, which showed itself in long and silent pauses between each of its answers.

conflicting desires within it were cancelling each other out. The First Season needed something to help it make decisions and to take the first step, Old Man Time realized.

So he went away to find a solution, leaving the First Season in its ponderings. The First Season hardly even realized Old Man had come and gone.

Old Man Time searched for ways to change the First That’s when Old Man Season. He knew that Time realized what was if he found a way the problem. to channel the First Season’s conflicting It wasn’t that the feeling, it would no First Season wanted longer be immune to things to stay the time. It would start same or that it was changing and create averse to change. It new exciting things was that the First for Old Man Time to Season didn’t know observe. what it wanted, because all the

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But Old Man Time wasn’t the only thing that was interested in the First Season. As Old Man Time worked to free the First Season, he was approached by Lady Life.

Lady Life was slightly younger than Old Man Time, but no less powerful and mysterious. Lady Life had been born out of Old Man Time’s power, and had in turn been the one to create many a new thing in the universe. For that, Old Man Time had always been very pleased with Lady Life. Even though time would be the end of some things Lady Life had created, together the two’s powers would always create new things for them to observe and cherish.

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EDUCATION QUIBBLER

But this time Lady Life disagreed with Old Man Time. Lady Life was worried that urging one of the First Season’s contradictory impulses would ruin the balance and be harmful for the First Season. She thought that it was not Old Man Time’s place to disrupt this balance just for their own amusement.

Old Man Time was displeased with this, but knew better than to fight Lady Life. Without Life, Time would not be half as effective. It would not be wise to trade the First Season for everything Lady Life did for the universe. However, Old Man Time was not ready to give up on the First Season. So instead, he offered a deal to Lady Life: The two of them would combine their powers and create something that would help the First Season find a balance.

Something that was time and life in equal

amounts might be able to give the First Season enough push and moderation for it to work out its own problems.

became a part of every living thing created by Lady Life, beginning to influence them like Old Man Time. So it was with the First Season, Lady Life, after much which suddenly felt a consideration, agreed change within. to it. The two of them The First Season finally combined their powers realized that it could and created Solstice. achieve all of its ideals Solstice was not an if he took turns in doing ancient power like Lady that. What has needed Life or Old Man Time, was a cycle that would it was more of a dream allow it to always move shared by all of them. without being forced to Solstice was the idea that give up on everything. things could stay the same via a never-ending And that was when the change. As something First Season utilized ended, something new the power of Time began, until it started and Life to divide all over again. Both Old into four beings that Man Time and Lady would become the Four Life were very pleased Seasons: Wintersmith, with Solstice, so they Springweaver, sent it to talk with the Summersong and First Season.

Fallpainter. Each of these beings were However, they did not formed around a single truly understand what aspect of the First Solstice was. It was Season. Wintersmith not a being like them, was the toughness, so it did not work like Springweaver was the them. Instead of going energy, Summersong to talk with the First was the dreaminess Season, Solstice spread and Fallpainter was the across the universe and contentment. Each of

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these four had an idea of how they would change their world according to the First Season’s wishes.

Each of the four Seasons agreed to this and vowed to honor this balance for all times.

They would each have But the Solstice had one their own time when more gift: the idea of a they could realize cycle. The Four Seasons the First Season’s agreed that they would ambitions, and when all have their turn in the time came, they shaping the world, would hand the world but they had to do it to the next Season in correct order. First to show the world Wintersmith would another one of the First craft ice and snow to let Season’s gifts. the world sleep a while.

Then Springweaver Old Man Time and would breath life back Lady Life observed to the world by letting this from afar and were the water run. Next pleased. The First Summersong would Season was no more, sing, spreading warmth but it had given life across the world to to four new exciting inspire dreams. And beings that honored finally, Fallpainter both life and time. And would paint the world so the dream of Solstice in new colors and came to create the four prepare it for another seasons that guide the start of the cycle. world to this day.

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Castelobruxo and the Brazilian Wizarding World

by Lord Pugtato 1. Brazilian Wizarding History The European magical community already had the knowledge of the existence of the continents which the Muggles had come to call the “New World”, but until then, the contacts between European wizards and Native American wizards had been very brief. In 1500, the Portuguese officially arrived on the Brazilian coast, thus initiating South American colonization. At first, few wizards were sent here, most of them former Portuguese wizard-criminals, who were thrown here to survive their own fate.

Over time, more and more European Muggles began to come to South and Central America, not only the Portuguese, but also the Spanish, Dutch, and the French. And with the Muggles, there were also some wizards.

In the summer of 1554, the French wizard Villegagnon secretly visited the Cabo Frio region on the Brazilian coast, where his colleagues used to exchange objects with native wizards of the Tamoios tribe, with whom he obtained valuable information about the habits of the Portuguese on that coast. He reported to the French Court in a lengthy exposition of more than four hours, convincing the French king, Henry II, and his mistress, Diana de Poitiers, also known as the Witch of the Pearl Necklace, on the value of establishing a permanent overseas colony. Thus arises Antarctica France, where the Franco Antarctic Institute of Magic was established, a small school of magic that had only four professors and that remained open until 1567, when the French were expelled from Brazil.

Brazilian indigenous wizards didn’t have the habit of achieving their knowledge. The magic was

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taught orally in the tribes, and the most powerful wizard was given the title of Pajé (Shaman). The Pajé had the task of teaching the magic-born children, establishing protection spells around the hollows and healing the wounded warriors. Native American wizards were very fond of Mother Nature, they believed they could strengthen their connection to her by performing body paintings and doing specific rituals. For this reason, they are extremely skillful in making potions using natural ingredients and many were animagus.

The magical Brazilian flora and fauna are very rich and have always been well explored. Prior to the introduction of wands by European wizards, the Pajés performed their spells using only their hands, or by using rattles and staffs. The wooden staffs were decorated with bird feathers to strengthen the spells and worked similar to the wands, although much larger, so many practiced with only their hands.

As wizards were seen as followers of the occult or pagans, they suffered many persecutions in Brazil, particularly by the Jesuits and the Bandeirantes (Portuguese settlers that roamed the country looking for valuables), significantly reducing the Latin American magical community.

Infiltrated among the Bandeirantes, although, were the Purgantes (Portuguese for “the one who does harm”), mercenaries, violent, corrupt and ambitious wizards who took advantage of the title of Bandeirantes to justify bloodshed while doing all that they could in America in search of gold.

Many of them even practiced dark magic. In the socalled "entrances," the Purgantes and Bandeirantes captured and enslaved large numbers of natives, be they muggles or wizards.

Bartolomeu Bueno da Silva was the most famous Purgante in Brazil’s history, known for his extreme violence, he became known as Anhanguera, which means old devil in Native tongue. Interested in enriching, he discovered that the natives had large reserves of gold but did not value the precious metal as the European world did. It is said that when he approached the Inhanguera tribe, which was all made up of muggles, he took a water vessel and performed the Quatuor-iacta spell (the Spell of the Burning Tear), causing the water to catch on fire. The Inhanguera did not know about magic and thought he was some kind of demon.

Bartolomeu threatened to make the whole river catch on fire and the tribe surrendered all their gold in return of being left alone.

The Emboabas War, a war that took place between 1707 and 1709, happened thanks to the action of the Purgantes, who enslaved goblins to explore gold deposits in the region of what is known as Minas Gerais. However, the news of the gold deposits spread, attracting a large group of outsiders, the Emboabas. In 1708, in Cachoeira do Campo, now the district of the city of Ouro Preto, the Purgantes of São Paulo and the Purgantes Emboaba started a conflict that until this day, muggle historians do not know how to explain correctly. During the event, both mercenary parties wanted the monopoly of gold mines and many perished as a result, including the slave goblins. The Emboabas war ended around 1709.

Until that point, the wizarding community in South America was scarce and extremely persecuted, but in 1808, the Portuguese court was transferred to Brazil and the Johannine period was established.

Several of the 15,000 people who came from Portugal were actually wizards, especially of pureblood families, and they brought with them their house elves. In 1810, Ibralma was founded, the first Administrative Body of Magic in Latin American territory, whose acronym comes from the Brazilian Institute of Administration of the Laws of Magic. Ibralma assumed the role of regulating the Brazilian wizards according to the Muggle government and hiding them from the general population.

Ibralma established laws regarding magical secrecy, combating dark wizarding organizations, keeping secrets of the fantastic creatures from the Muggles, commanding the floo network and portals, administering the National Exam of Magical 87

Schools (ENEM) with young wizards as well as regulated the creation of small villages inland only for wizards. In 1888, with the total abolition of slavery in the country, it became the role of Ibralma to protect the community of domestic elves that had been forsaken and also to secure their rights.

Ibralma was originally located in the city of Rio de Janeiro, but moved to an underground building in Brasilia, when it became the Brazilian capital.

Due to the great miscegenation among natives, Europeans and Africans, Brazilian wizards have a mixed magical education during their years at Castelobruxo: it is common, for example, to learn both wand/staff magic as well as wandless magic. The magic knowledge is very rich in the country and the prejudice among purebloods and muggleborns is very small, practically nonexistent, since most of them are muggle-borns. In some places in the south of the country, Muggles are called lorpas and in certain places in the northeast, they can be called torpes. In addition, unlike in Europe, where the wands of Mr. Ollivander reigned sovereign, South America has several skillful wand makers with diverse techniques, the most famous being: Mr. Panti, of Bolivia, famous for his soft and hard wood wands and staffs with native details, feathers and carved totem heads, made of aroeira pepper; Mr. Monsignor Cabral, of Pernambuco, who sadly passed away in 1927, but is still known for producing the most expensive wands in the world, they were long and curved, and made of Pau Brazil, with fine texture, extremely durable and they did not rot with time; Mr. C. E. Delfino, originally from London but who now resides in Brazil, very well-known for making light, low-durability and very cheap wands, made of Pinheiro-do-ParanĂĄ; Mr. Hirota, a wizard craftsman who came to Brazil during the Japanese immigration at the beginning of the 20th century, his wands are made of IpĂŞ Roxo, very resistant and of great durability, although not very bright, with cores ranging from kappa splinter, unicorn hair and andura.

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2. Before Castelobruxo Amazon Rainforest - Brazil - South America (about 1576 AD - present) Just before the Olmec civilization began to decline, a large group of Olmec wizards decided to leave their lands and travel south, across the rest of the continent, and look for a place to settle. After visiting several towns, welcoming more and more natives into their group, they arrived in a place in the middle of the Amazon forest, where they decided to establish a village.

In this village, named Zamoanai, around a lake called Parimé, is where they built a temple in the shape of a pyramid, a true temple with several rooms, where magic would be taught to the new generations of wizards. The walled village was built partly in stone, gold, taquara (Tupi for a type of bamboo), straw banana leaves. The buildings were almost always interconnected and had several gardens, and in the center, before reaching the pyramid, was a black rock obelisk that served as a portal. The walled Zamoanai village laid between small hills and large trees, being difficult to spot, by exception of the temple, large enough to overcome the tropical broad-leaved canopies.

Around the third century AD the Zamoanai remained hidden and isolated by using spells of concealment, disillusionment and anti-Muggle, only the Amerindian wizards knew how to get there. The village had Jacy, the Witch of the Moon, as its most famous protector and teacher of the temple, she also had her auxiliary pajés.

She ordered them to place portals at each end of South America with a destination for the central obelisk, so they could cover the territory quickly if necessary.

way to Peabiru, which now links several villages and portals. During his travels he found other wizards and was invited to meet the Zamoanai. He became a temporary temple teacher, learning and teaching with Jacy, until he left for Europe, where he passed away at the age of 125.

Bertoldo, the Greedy, was a very wise pajé of the tribe of Borobós. He was one of the most important Amerindian wizards and became the first teacher of Transfiguration at Castelobruxo, before the school even had that name.

He won the title of greedy for always carrying a little a bag of taurari chestnuts that he refused to share. It is said that he ate them all the time, even during duels, classes or risky situations.

He was also a powerful Animagus, and his animal form was of a macawcaiarara (Robust capuchin monkey). He was the creator of the Spell of Speech Understanding, a spell that allowed everyone to understand him, even though he spoke only in his Bororo language. To this day, the spell is used in most Castelobruxo classes because although it is in Brazilian territory, many students are from other Latin countries, and speak Spanish and French instead of Portuguese.

Pay Sumé Viracocha was the first European wizard to visit the Amerindians in the fourth century and travel throughout South America, always accompanied by his pomorim named Inti. He had a long white beard and travelled on a broom, a fact that made many Muggle-tribes mistake him for some kind of divine being. He learned a lot from the tribes and he returned the favour by teaching them agriculture. Sumé was asked to leave by Tupinambá caciques (the leaders of the tribes) after he questioned their cannibal habits. From there, he went to Paraguay, and then to Peru, creating the 89

During the ninth century, the prosperous Zamoanai almost declined. There are few records about this time, but it is known that a mighty necromancer devastated the place with his Inferi and dark magic.

Of its 22 thousand inhabitants, only 1200 remained.

The village never recovered and the temple and many of the facilities in the city were abandoned, and it stayed that way until 1576.

At the beginning of the European colonization, in the region of Cabo Frio, the Franco Antarctic Institute of Magic functioned from 1555 to 1567. In 1538, in the region of São Vicente, Castelobruxo was founded and it remained there until 1575. It was a small school with only a few Portuguese professors.

Bandeirantes, unfortunately he did not master the spell accurately and was unable to execute it properly. Although they had forgotten where the portal was, they remembered some things they saw around Zamoanai. This event was reported in Manuscript 512, which is stored and displayed in the collection of National History in the National Library of Rio de Janeiro. “The Legendary Golden City of Z” (the bandeirantes could not remember the full name of the village) because a known folklore. It is even mentioned in some Muggle children nursery songs.

In 1567, after the recently settled wizards found the ruins of Zamoanai and meeting a the last few surviving native wizards of the old village, Castelobruxo was relocated to the interior of the Amazonian forest, where it was completely restructured and renovated, and the small village became larger, more organized and the Zamoanai became the future "Latin American Capital of Magic."

3. The “ New” Castelobruxo Considered as the best school for wizards in all of South America, the School of Magic and Brazilian Witchcraft Castelobruxo was reformulated 442 years ago and remains open to all wizard students. The pyramid as well as the wizarding village around it, was built inside the Amazon rainforest in Brazilian territory and protected by anti-Muggle spells. For muggles, all they see are hills with forests and then ruins of an abandoned civilization as they approached the site.

There are some other small and little known schools in Brazil but because they are private, expensive and demanding, Castelobruxo is certainly the best option, besides being the only one with international recognition.

In modern history, after its re-inauguration, only two magical incidents of high gravity involving muggles took place. The first, in 1753 in Bahia, when a group of muggle Bandeirantes followed a careless student and found the portal used by the student, they ended up being transported to the outside of the village. Realizing his carelessness as the strangers entered the city, the second-year student tried to disguise the city with disillusionment spells and to obliviate the 90

The folklore was what in the future motivated the British adventurer Percy H. Fawcett to travel through the Brazilian forests and visit several indigenous tribes, in search of the lost city of Z, sometimes called “Eldorado” by muggles. In 1925, however, Percy did not have much luck: he accidentally invaded a territory belonging to the Mapinguaris giants in the Serra do Roncador, and was killed by the creatures. Muggles dismissed the accident as they were never able to trace his whereabouts. Only the wizards knew that the creatures did, and as a providence, the Brazilian Wizarding Government introduced the Fawcett Law, which ensured that wizards should do

everything they could to prevent Muggles from getting too close to fantastic creatures, especially aggressive or irrational ones. All Mapinguaris now live in two reserves, one in the Serra do Roncador and the other in the Amazon Forest, a group of well trained wizards patrol the areas to prevent the giants leaving the reserves and muggles from entering it.

Considered to be risky positions, these border guards are well-paid wizards and they also work in other places in the country, such as the Capelobos reserve in Tocantins and the Brigantine Serpent Forest in Santa Catarina.

another teacher occupies the room where he used to be, different schools like Hogwarts have students moving from class to class. There are four classes in the morning with an break between them, and soon after there is lunch. After lunch, classes resume at one o’clock in the afternoon. Only two classes are required in the afternoon, the other two being optional subjects of the students. Supper is served in the Main Hall at night and after that, students return to the common room to study and socialize. There is an astronomy class at night on Wednesdays. There is no fixed bedtime after supper, but most students usually go to bed at 11 o’clock at night.

Every year, the Headmaster of Castelobruxo sends letters to wizards and witches over the age of 15 who have already awakened their magic. Sometimes, when the student is over the age of 17 or in special cases, instead of a letter, the Headmaster will invite them in person.

The temple where Castelobruxo operates is vast and has several rooms as well as many floors. The imposing building that stands out in all of the forest is angular and golden, worked in the Olmec and Inca architecture, but with influences of other civilizations. Castelobruxo currently has 508 students and 103 employees. Students wear a green uniform with the school’s coat of arms, available in the form of a T-shirt, robe, or coat. The school’s motto is “noli turbare tapirs dormiunt in silva” (do not disturb the sleeping tarpis in the forest). Just as in the conventional muggle schools in the country, in Castelobruxo it is common to have students of different ages in the classes. In general, students start attending school at the age of 15, but some begin to display magical aptitude later on, and it is not uncommon for first-year students to enroll at age 17. A full degree takes about 4 years. Seniors often wear black robes for differentiation.

The daily routine at Castelobruxo begins at seven in the morning. Breakfast is held in the Main Hall, and at this time the mail arrives with a flock of owls, macaws and Amazon Parrots. A bell indicates the beginning of the first class at eight in the morning.

At the end of the first class, the teacher leaves the room and moves to the next class room, while

The letter of acceptance contains a list of necessary materials, such as spell books and cauldrons.

Students usually get school supplies in the hidden magical areas of cities, such as the Ganguetino, which is in the western part of São Paulo (the official magic currency of Brazil is the Real Dragonade, very similar to the old Réis used in the country until 1942). The school year begins on the last Monday of January. Students usually arrive in Castelobruxo through the floo terminals hidden in the five "abandoned" railway stations (only Muggles think they are abandoned, because every year over 1000 wizards use them). There are other ways to get to school, you can travel by broom or portals that lead to the obelisk in the central square of the village, or simply apparate somewhere near Zamoanai, though wizards under the age of 18 and unlicensed to apparate can not do so. Upon arrival, new students are greeted by seniors and sent to the Main Hall for a faculty presentation.

After that, a dinner party welcomes everyone to the new school year.

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After dinner, students are taken to the Common Room by their veterans. This is a good time for new students to become familiar with the hallways of the school, such as their respective dormitories and their new classmates. In addition to the Headmaster’s premises, the faculty premises, the 24 classrooms, the common room, the Main Hall, the kitchen and the 16 dormitories, Castelobruxo also has an aviary, a garden, a quidditch field and equipment depot, a trophy room, a file cabinet, a swimming pool, a vegetable garden and an astronomical observatory. Caiporas usually wander through the corridors and dormitory rooms, and it is the responsibility of the appointed veterans and staff to prevent them from disturbing people too much. In addition to the Caiporas, some ghosts also haunt the corridors, along with the carved faces on the corridor walls, which sometimes wake up and begin to talk to students, or just sing loudly.

end of the year, those who have achieved enough magical qualification scores advance as standard, and those who do not reach it are invited to repeat the courses the following year. At the end of the fourth year, students take the National Exam of Magical Schools, which can only be taken once, and are granted the the Diploma of Trained Wizardind. They can also use their Castelobruxo transcripts to apply for magic jobs.

During the years attending Castelobruxo, several students usually stand out for some notable achievements, being awarded with Cruzeiro-doSul medals. Students with over 300 Cruzeiro do Sul medals have their names immortalized in the Castelobruxo Hall of Fame.

The list of required items varies according to the teacher who teaches the subject, but the first year students are all required the same items.

List of Materials for the 1st Year in Castelobruxo: - Uniform (available in several styles, can be purchased in advance at the school itself) - Two cloaks - Protective goggles - Common black (pointed) wizard hat - A pair of protective gloves (dragon leather or similar) - A winter coat (matte green with golden clasps) The student's clothes should be labeled with their name.

Students can go home on certain holidays, such as Easter or Christmas. Students who choose to stay are treated to a dinner party, along with some faculty members. Easter holidays are not as fruitful as Christmas holidays, since students are burdened with homework, as a preparation for their exams, which are held late in the quarter. When the Christmas holidays are over, classes begin again.

Students can not use magic outside of Castelobruxo until they obtain their graduation certificate, according to the Brazilian Law of Magical Responsibility, of Ibralma.

Routine homework follow the same format as muggle schools. The more students progress in school, the more difficult the tests are. At the 92

Books: - Miranda Goshwk's Book of Spells (1st series) - History of Magic by Batilda Bagshot - Theory of Magic by Adalbert Waffing - Fundamental Manual of Transfiguration by Eduardo Ribeiro Lopes - Myriad of Magical and Tropical Herbs and Fungi

by Hortencia Ramos - Magic Drafts and Potions by Arsenic Jigger - Latin Grammar Revisited by Anitta Belasquez - Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them by Newt Scamander (62nd revised edition) - The Dark Forces: A Self-Protection Guide by Quintin Trimble - A Guide to Amulets and Charms by Maurice Suçuna - Enchantment and Hexes for beginners by Helga

Bertoldo Other Equipment: 1 magic wand and/or staff 1 cauldron (tin or black, standard size 2) 1 basic set of jars, beakers and test tubes 1 telescope 1 brass scale 4 strands of wool of varied color 1 broom Students may also bring one pet, registered and allowed by Government.

Zamoanai access points: Recife Railroad - São Francisco São Paulo Railway The Porto Alegre & New Hamburg Brazilian Railway Company Northwest Railway of Brazil The Railway Station of the Center West The Compagnie de Chemins de fer Fédéraux de l'Est Brésilien First-year students are advised to use Floo network, which are hidden in abandoned railroads in old villages founded by wizards. The Portals are rarely used by national students, being more common used by students coming from neighboring countries, like Chile, Bolivia and Peru, besides the magical officials residing in Brasilia.

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BEEDLE THE BARD IS BRAINWASHING BAIRNS! BY: Caitatoes

That’s right, you heard it here first, folks! Beedle the Bard, famed for his escapist storytelling and frankly over the top and violent prose, has been slipping the wool over all of our eyes for centuries now. Have we as a magical community lost our ability to read critically? Have we done away with close reading just because Beedle’s tales are ones we ourselves grew up with? I can only assume this to be the truth of the matter, because why else would parents consent to telling these absolutely DANGEROUS tales to children.

Merlin’s beard, my own parents told them to me when I was a child too! Were I to have a child my greatest fear is that there would be no way to hide them from the cruel fate of these brainwashing tales, spread far and wide by the machinations of time and the unflinchingly dark aura surrounding these tales.

I mean, honestly. A ‘kindly old wizard with a magical cauldron, helping muggles’? A good man, and a helpful one – so how did he manage to raise a son who disliked muggles so much? I am here to tell you that this kindly old man was not a kindly as we think! This old wizard taught his son his evil, mugglehating ways and was merely trying to befriend muggles so that his son in turn could prey upon them with ease. We are meant to believe that the ‘hopping pot’ is this man’s punishment, but instead it is indeed a way of scrying – the pot tells him his neighbor’s misfortunes so that he can take advantage of their weakened state, either by bribing them or ‘curing them’ (if they were so well cured, why did they keep coming back for his aid?).

What does this have to do with our children, you ask? Simple! This tale convinces young witches and wizards that it is ok, nay, that it is BENEFICIAL for them to take advantage of their muggle neighbors, and to do so through insidious means if necessary. Spying, especially spying on muggles through magical means, is veritably lauded in this tale, that we have all heard in our own youths. In addition, the young man in this tale does NOT learn his lesson and become true friend to muggles, he benefits once more from being kind to them in that his terribly wicked pot does not belay him with misery any longer.

What is the tale of the Fountain’s true purpose? Besides the fact that the Fountain is wholly a trick, it in turn tricks children into wallowing in their ills and looking for easy ways to be rid of them – the main culprit in this story being the witch who removed her painful memories and let them wash downstream instead of dealing with them in an adult manner. What kind of message is this for kids to learn? Not a good one!

The most intriguing of the tales, especially after the use of the three Hallows by Harry Potter, is of course the tale of the Three Brothers. Or should I say three cheats! Three violent men wanting to change their fate and using dark, literally deathly magic to do so! Summoning wights! Sneaking out of debts! Killing other wizards in a thirsty pursuit of power! And what has this story done but make children across the world believe that death is conquerable and might is right.

Please, parents, just listen to me: do not let Beedle the Bard brainwash your children any further. They deserve better than the wacky tales from a fraud being told to them over and over again. We must resist the temptation of easy magic and easy winnings!

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How Beedle the Bard Shaped the Outstanding Way We Guide Our Future Generations

by Never3nd1g

The Tales of Beedle the Bard. What a wonderful series! Each and every magical children grew up reading those tales and become a little more magical themselves.

As each of our generation immerse themselves into the fables, have we ever stopped to realise the strong foundations they lay in the upbringing of our children.

Fables are the lessons our ancestors pass to us, a mindful warning of how things could be should we stray from the path set by them. They are the fundamental teachings of the many many wizards and witches that came before us, boiled down to the essence of the values we wish to pass down.

Compared to the muggle fables, The Tales of Beedle the Bard is obviously the far superior collection, tailor made to our unique culture and magical background. Beedle the Bard took the quintessential stories that covers wizarding life’s most important values and conveyed the virtues subtly to our children, in an almost magical way.

Let us dissect each of the five tales and what they do to help shape the future of our kind.

“The Wizard and the Hopping Pot” The story of how a kind, generous wizard who used to help the community in their medical needs passed on his magical pot to his son. The son, feeling bitter for only inheriting a pot and a slipper, rejects every call for help until the cries for help manifests in literal form through the pot and torments the son. It is only till the son has relented and started to help those in needs do the torment stops and the son finally finds peace. In continuing his father’s legacy, the story has a happy ending.

Legacy.

This story teaches us the importance of legacy.

We all wish the future generation will continue the legacy that we worked so hard to build. The kindness, the greatness, the achievements. It is on the foundation of the works of the past that we build our advancements of the future. Should we abandon the legacy of our ancestors for the comfort of doing less work, we would never advance beyond the pinnacle of the past.

And community.

Without community, if each wizard only lives for himself, we won’t be able to survive all the obstacles life throws at us. The lone wolf dies while the pack survives.

This is a fable that builds on unity and togetherness, taking from one another and giving each other, continuing the works and passing down the sense of community.

A worthy lesson indeed.

“The Fountain of Fair Fortune” A fortune seeking story! How enticing and exciting.

This fable tells of a fountain that grants its user a wish fulfilled. Three witches, one with an incurable disease, one plagued with poverty and misfortune, one whose heart was torn apart, meet on a holy grail’s journey. Health, wealth, love. The three wishes of any mortal. Along the way they meet a muggle knight and carried on their journey.

Along the way, they are met with obstacles that prevent them from continuing until the challenges are complete. As they completed the challenges, they soon realise that each had the ability to 95

QUIBBLER EDUCATION overcome their misfortune. It was inside them all these while. And they left, none the wiser that the fountain has no special powers.

This story teaches us the virtue of not depending on a Hail Merlin for our life’s problems. We have always had the ability to overcome life’s challenges, if we only know to look inside ourselves and try.

I am sure many generations have benefited from this lesson of depending on our own two hands (and a wand) to work towards our goals.

“The Warlord’s Hairy Heart” A horrifying tale of how a warlock, the epitome of dashing youth, used the Dark Arts to remove his heart and protect it from falling in love. One day, he decides to marry a talented, rich and beautiful witch as his trophy wife and was eventually persuaded to show her his heart. The wife, shocked at the unnatural phenomenon, begs him to put it back.

Unfortunately his heart was too bestial to be at peace with his human body and he is taken over by instinct to replace his hairy heart with a human one.

He tears out the heart of his wife and tried to have it replace his own. A true tragedy that he wasn’t able to magic his original heart out and thus the dashing couple ended up dead.

This cautionary tale reminds us never to disconnect ourselves from the heart of our humanity. While building walls around ourselves to protect us from the pains of heartbreaking emotions seem like a good idea, disconnecting ourselves from our emotions will disconnect us from our humanity. Our vulnerability is what makes us human, our emotions separates us from beasts. We need to learn to embrace our human emotions, joy and pain, or we may find that the day it catches up to us is the day we crumble from the lack of experience in dealing with it.

“Babbitty Rabbitty and Her Cackling Stump” A quirky tale of how a king, wanting to keep all his magic to himself, seeks out a teacher to teach him magic and to imprison all wizards and witches. A charlatan uses the situation and tricks the king by performing a few tricks. A wise witch who managed to hide in plain sight ends up using the situation to her advantage and extracts a promise by the king to never harm the magical community ever again.

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When all seems lost and you are at a disadvantage, always remember to use the situation to create a solution. Babbitty’s use of her wits, rather than magic, help the entire magical community out of a sticky situation. To know that all is not lost, to not give up, to turn the tides through wisdom and wits, that is a valuable lesson for us to learn.

“The Tale of the Three Brothers” Perhaps the most famous of the five, with its links to the Deathly Hallows, this tale tells us of how three brothers seem to escape death and received a gift each. One killed by the thirst for power, one killed by the obsession of what was lost, one survived by keeping his head down until his time came and he accepted death, Death did indeed claim all three brothers in the end.

But the important lesson is obsession leads one down to one’s demise, being discreet, humble and content with your lot gives you the ability to live out your life in peace. Death is inevitable, but to go out on your own terms, with acceptance, is a gift that being obsessed and greedy will rob you of.

Beedle the Bard was truly masterful in weaving all these lessons in seemingly simple and easy to digest stories for us to pass down to our children.

To be able to present such complex themes to young children, have them remember them and understand them with such engaging tales, Beedle the Bard was nothing less than a wizard of storytelling.

I hope such treasures of the past shall be kept and passed down forevermore. To lose such a collection will be a huge loss of our history, heritage and legacy.

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Beedle the Brainwasher? by poeticwasteland

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mong the chief complaints Muggles have of their famous fairytales (notably are the tales told by both the brothers Grimm as well as by Hans Christian Andersen) is how often their children who read or hear these tales grow into adults filled with an unhealthy lust for a life that, as far as Muggles are aware, cannot actually exist. This is a problem rooted not just in the fact that many of the problems the Muggle protagonists face in the stories have magical roots, but more significantly in the fact that these same muggle storybook characters rarely take their fate into their own hands. They wait, in turn for magical assistance to the magical problem, or else for the mundane solution to present itself, to simply seek them out in some way; shape, or form —for example, a prince coming to find them, and returning a slipper they’d lost.

While these Muggle tales often have positive morals underscoring them, i.e. kindness is rewarded, children who read them are also frequently at risk of overdosing on the fantastic elements. And in some real ways, of becoming brainwashed into believing they do not have to put in any real or significant effort into countermanding or solving whatever problems they might find themselves facing in “the real world”. Because, after all, the main characters in the tales usually do not, and they pretty much all end up living happily ever after. And it is worth noting that many of the Tales of Beedle the Bard also essentially end with all the “good” characters living happily ever after.

But do Wizarding children face this same brainwashing risk from our own storybook tales?!

Recently, many powerful (and influential) members of the Wizarding World have claimed that, yes, Beedle’s stories do indeed work to brainwash. And furthermore, that they have been doing this to kids for untold generations. It is not really surprising therefore, to hear these Wizards calling the tales dangerous, and arguing in favor of censoring, banning, and/or destroying, all remaining copies. Lucius Malfoy has become the de facto leader of this campaign, and has made no secret of how he elected to lead the charge by writing to Albus Dumbledore on numerous occasions, demanding the removal of The Tales of Beedle the Bard from the Hogwarts library. A request which the late headmaster consistently refused. Mr. Malfoy has cited these refusals as evidence of brainwashing flourishing in multiple generations both in further letters to Dumbledore, and elsewhere publicly.

He claims this is a cause which is not just about modern wizard children at risk, but also about the dangerous effect the tales have had on individuals who have come of age — brainwashed adult wizards. Many of whom now hold, or previously had held, positions of great power — people who, in essence, have been able to recreate the world. To alter it in such a way so that

EDUCATION QUIBBLER it better reflects the reality they’ve supposedly been brainwashed by Beedle’s stories to want. Which, as Mr. Malfoy informs us, is a world wherein wizards and muggles are freely intermingled. That the Ministry of Magic has, in recent years, been pursuing a more Muggle friendly agenda, steadily working, under the guise of protecting and helping Muggles, to update, change, and even repeal, parts of the International Statute of Secrecy, is a fact that cannot be denied.

So, are The Tales of Beedle the Bard secretly be controlling us and our world?!

There are stark differences between Grimm’s or Andersen’s Tales and Beedle’s though, which consequently mean Beedle’s tales are at least not brainwashing Wizards the same way as Muggle stories are impacting Muggles.

Firstly, it must be said that whatever role magic may play in the Muggle stories, the magic itself is understood to be an element of fiction by both the authors, and obstentiably, by the readers, of the same.

But given that Muggles live in a world where magic actually does exist, telling their children tales where magic is reduced to nothing more than a metaphor, can and likely does cause these same kids to grow up blind to the (sometimes dangerous) reality magic poses to their world. Recalling the days of Lord Voldemort’s second rise to power, Muggle torture and killings became commonplace, it became sport. One of the more deadly incidents was the destruction of the Millennium Bridge on 24 June, 1996. Penelope Taylor, a Muggle who survived that attack, was quoted in The Guardian (a Muggle newspaper) saying, “Just before the attack, we saw these plumes of smoke in the sky. If you looked directly at them, they disappeared, but you could see them out the corner of your eye.” Had Ms. Taylor believed in magic, perhaps she would’ve been able to give a more accurate description of the culprits.

She went on to blame the attack on “devils, punishing for our decadent Western lifestyle.” And while it isn’t wholly inaccurate to compare Death Eaters to devils, she was, and to the best of my knowledge, still remains, woefully ignorant of the motive behind the attack —rather than being punished for something she had (a decadent Western lifestyle) she, and her fellow Muggles, were being punished for something they lacked — magical ability. While understanding this may not have helped Ms. Taylor prevent the crime, awareness of the true motive might’ve helped the authorities apprehend the perpetrators. If nothing else, knowing what really happened and more importantly, why it happened, would’ve gone a long way towards uniting the muggle community — drawing those people together in the fight against the injustice they didn’t know had been committed against them.

Wizarding fairytales, on the other hand though, fully acknowledge the existence of magic in the world, and 99

QUIBBLER EDUCATION what’s more, often contain the message that magic causes as much trouble as it can solve. Consequently, Beedle’s tales tend to equate magic with the idea of power — and work to underscore the importance of respecting that same power.

Secondly, Muggle fairytales run the risk of brainwashing their audience because they perpetuate a culture of inaction. They’re protagonist’s often find their plot conflicts being resolved by someone else, without them having had to really do anything to rectify it for themselves. Consider the well-known Muggle tale, Cinderella, in which an oppressed young woman is given magical assistance which affords her the opportunity to escape from her miserable life while attending a royal ball. But she does not seize the opportunity fully, she just goes to the party, dances, and then runs straight back to her hell. Had she elected to speak up about her situation while at the palace, she might well have been able to escape from the torment her stepmother and stepsisters had been inflicting upon her for as long as they’d known her. She doesn’t say anything; doesn’t even give the Prince her name. He is only able to find her again at all due to a combination of slightly more magical aid (the continued existence of the conjured glass slippers despite all the other party paraphernalia she was given via magic vanishing) and the tenacity of the Prince in insisting all the young women be permitted to try the slipper on. She’d have been denied the opportunity to try on the shoe without his authoritative instance. Her Prince and Fairy Godmother make sure Cinderella ends with a happily ever after for her. She does nothing to fight to earn it for herself, by herself. This Muggle story, and many others, perpetuate the notion that you don’t need to work for or fight for yourself in order to succeed and be happy.

They seem to sell the idea that happiness will find you in the end, in spite of almost any odds to the contrary.

This is dangerous because it encourages apathy and idleness to flourish; two traits which, when present en masse, almost always permit the rise of a tyrant.

In Beedle’s tales, however, the heroines take a much more active role in securing their fate. Additionally, in The Warlock’s Hairy Heart, readers witness a maiden protagonist engaging in behaviours similar to those of princesses in Muggle stories, (which is to say, acts of non-action) but unlike the Muggle princesses in the muggle storybooks, Beedle’s young witch’s tale does not have a happy ending. This serves to underscore the value in taking control over one’s own destiny, and the importance of choosing to act; an important lesson for every youth to learn. And it’s as much brainwashing as memorising basic locomotion charms is (which is to say, not.)

The crux of the argument in favor of Beedle’s tales being a brainwashing tool seems to rest upon the fact that they do, inarguably, have a pro-Muggle slanting 100

bias. The Wizard in The Wizard and the Hopping Pot, for example, clearly learns that helping the local Muggle villagers will be as beneficial to him as it will be for those Muggles. The “Beedle is a Brainwasher” campaign is comprised of a group of individuals who see themselves as people set above others, and notably, view themselves as better than Muggles. The thing is though, as Kingsley Shacklebolt once said on the Potterwatch radio programme, “it’s one short step from ‘Wizards first’ to ‘Purebloods first,’ and then to ‘Death Eaters. We’re all human, aren’t we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.” If Beedle’s tales are in fact brainwashing us to think something, they’re imparting the desire to see equality and justice for all into our brains. Beedle isn’t washing something away from our minds, — the way the Muggle tales wash away the reality of magic and/or the existence of free will in the core choice humanity always faces: to act or not to act — but rather his tales seek to etch our minds with a new idea, to paint a picture of a world that’s both bigger and greater than the one we know.

Is it brainwashing to spread ideas to children which will allow them to build a world wherein they are able to secure the blessings of liberty to themselves and their posterity?!

This reporter is forced to conclude, in a word, no.

Beedle the Bard stretches the brains of our children so they might be able to hold this truth self-evident: all men are created equal. If disagree with me, and opt to call that sort of thing brainwashing, that’s your prerogative.

You have the liberty to misuse the term (which connotes destruction and negativity) and apply it to describe Beedle’s tales, that promote the positive notions of interdependence, inclusion, and justice.

If you want to call Beedle brainwashing, by all means, go ahead. But you know what? That’s the sort of “brainwashing” this divided world needs a heck of a lot more of.

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A Guide To Wands and Wandless Magic:

History, Dangers, and Creature Rights by blxckfire

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t is often difficult to imagine life in a culture that is not our own. For many wizards of Western civilization, it is difficult to imagine performing magic without a wand. Many of us in Britain remember our very first trip to Diagon Alley before beginning our first year of Hogwarts. We remember walking into Ollivander’s at the bright age of eleven and acquiring our first wand that opened a whole new world for us. This wand carried us through our days at school, and for many, still allows us to live our lives today. It seems impossible to think of a world without our wands.

But the wand is merely a European wizard invention.

In many Non-European countries, wandless magic is the preferred style of casting, despite the worldwide spread of the wand. Cultures in Africa and Native America have practices wandless magic for

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centuries. Native American magical practices even predate European colonization, and the wand was not seen until Britain began to colonize the western hemisphere. Many Native American cultures still look down upon the use of a wand to perform magic, partly due to the distrust of European culture after colonization, and partly due to the fact that it seems unnatural for them to channel magic through an object rather than through themselves. In Africa, the wand is beginning to make breaks in their culture.

Like Native Americans, they practiced for centuries without wands, meaning that many of their magical practices do not require any sort of wand. At Uagadou, the African wizarding school, students are taught the practice of wandless magic.

It is also interesting to note that while there are thousands of magical creatures, there is only one that uses a wand, humans.

There are many intelligent creatures that are capable of and do practice magic, and all but humans do so without a wand. Elves and goblins are among the many. Have you ever seen a house-elf whip out his wand to clean the dishes?

No. House-elves are known to cast magic by snapping their fingers, and are especially good at disapparating. Goblins sometimes refer to wizards as “wand bearers.” Goblins do have the potential to channel magic through a wand, but they have been denied the right to use wands by humans, leading to this slur. Passed in 1631, the Wand Ban issued by the Ministry of Magic outlawed goblin possession of wands. If this were not passed, it is likely that Goblins would adapt to practice magic through wands, like wizards do. But due to this ban, they commonly practice wandless magic. It is also possible for house-elves to channel magic through a wand, as Winky the house-elf was accused of conjuring the Dark Mark in the sky at the 1994 Quidditch world cup. But like Goblins, house-elves have been denied the right to use wands.

But what exactly is wandless magic? How is it possible to perform magic without a wand?

It is not the wand that creates magic. If you handed a magical wand to a muggle and asked them to perform magic, they would not be able to do it. It is However, since the 20th century, not the wand that creates the wizard. Instead, the wand is the wand is slowly becoming simply a physical object that adopted into the culture. channels one’s magic. This

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allows the user to more easily centralize and exaggerate the effects of their magic. The wand is able to cast magic because it has magical capabilities itself.

Only specific, magical woods and specific cores can be used to create wands. If non-magical materials are used, the wand would be useless. Giving a nonmagical wand to a wizard would be the same as giving a magical wand to a muggle. Nothing will happen. The wand is simply a way to replace a wizard body, as it channels magical energy through a foreign magical object rather than a magical body.

This also allows a wizard to perform more magic without experiencing great fatigue.

Without a physical object to channel magic through, wandless magic requires much more willpower, control over magical energy, and discipline. Because of this, only very skilled, gifted wizards commonly practice wandless magic. The greatest, both good and evil, wizards are known to perform magic without a wand, including Merlin, Albus Dumbledore, Tom Riddle (Voldemort), and Gellert Grindelwald.

However, to the average wizard, wandless magic can be very dangerous. It is unpredictable, hard to control, difficult to perform, and potentially volatile. Much can go wrong simply due to

the nature of wandless magic itself. Because it is difficult to predict what will happen, it is difficult to fix what does go wrong. It is also very dangerous to the caster, as the body channels the magical energy, the practicing witch or wizard is often left drained, often leading to careless and lazy casting. This only further adds on to the perilous nature of the practice itself.

A good example of how unpredictable wandless magic can be is seen through underage magic. Before a young child is taught how to properly control their magic, they often use magic unintentionally. These instances of accidental magic are almost always heavily tied in with emotions. For example, an angry child may accidentally start a fire or cause nearby glass to break, or an excited child may cause objects to float and seemingly dance throughout the air. Once the child goes to school and learns to properly cast with a wand, these emotional magical outbursts stop. The wand is highly effective at ignoring emotions when casting, though if the wizard’s are strong enough, it still may have an effect on the magic.

While dangerous and unpredictable, wandless magic does have its advantages. This can most easily be seen in

dueling. If a wizard is disarmed and is capable of wandless magic, they can still continue to fight, often catching their opponent by surprise. Their magic may be more weaker if they regularly use a wand, but they will not be totally defenseless, possibly saving their lives. Wandless magic in a duel may also give a wizard an advantage, as their opponent may be less likely to predict what they will cast.

Wandless magic may be of use in certain professions, such as Aurors, who frequently have to battle other wizards. Healers may also often use wandless magic in healing practices, especially in more ritualistic healing.

However, the wand was invented for a very good reason.

The magic without one is very unpredictable and dangerous to both the caster and other wizards around them. One of the reasons wands become more widely used throughout the world is the fear of outing the wizarding community.

Wands are more common in order to prevent the violation of the International Statute of Secrecy. Again, due to these reasons and many more, wandless magic is often left to the highly skilled and gifted.

We here at The Quibbler do not recommend wandless magic without proper training.

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Studying Tips to Best Enjoy Your Summer It is summer! It is time to enjoy the sun, play in the beach, splash in the water but you have an enemy. Studies. Responsibilities. Ugh! Here are some studying tips to best get the most out of your time studying and have more time to play!

1. Pay attention in class. There is nothing more efficient that using the time allocated for school to pay attention and actually learn. Instead of using more of your free time to catch up, get caught up during school hours.

2. Practice, practice, practice. Keep doing your work to get used it. Don’t let your skills and thinking method get rusty. Keep working at it until you get in the momentum.

3. Sleep with the book under your pillow, or just use the book as your pillow. Osmosis states that molecules of a solvent tend to pass through a semipermeable membrane from a less concentrated solution into a more concentrated one. Diffusion is the intermingling of substances by the natural movement of their particles. Either way, by any definition, hopefully something enters your brain during the night.

4. An Asian old remedy, before the day of your exams, burn your books and dissolve the ashes in water. Drink it. It helps you absorb the knowledge and prepare you for the exams. After all, you don’t need the books after your exams, right?

When all else fails, remember that life is short. Go enjoy your life under the sun. The work will still be here later. Good luck!

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The 8th season of Game of Thrones is here!

After a two-year hiatus, HBO’s Game of Thrones has finally begun it’s long-awaited eighth and final season. Game of Thrones is an epic fantasy drama that’s based on the popular book series A Song of Ice and Fire (1996-) by George R. R. Martin. The TV show began in 2011 and has continuously reached new heights, until it has been called the most popular show on TV. Both its ratings and viewers have steadily increased and the show has been credited for rising interest in the fantasy genre, which has also led to other similar series being ordered by HBO and other networks.

Game of Thrones is a massive series known for its deep mythology and a huge cast of characters. This is why watchers have sometimes had troubles with remembering all the names, subplots and locations that are rapidly changing in the scenes. This article aims to give a brief recap before starting the eighth and final season.

Game of Thrones is set in the fantasy continent of Westeros and its neighbor Essos. In the beginning the show had three major plots that functioned largely separately: the noble families of Westeros forming alliances and fighting wars for the control of the kingdom, an exiled heir planning their return to take back their throne, and a sworn brotherhood guarding a gigantic wall “at the end of the world”. But as seasons progressed, these three plotlines have started to come together as the characters gather for the final clash.

There are three major plotlines in Game of Thrones: the noble Houses’ fight for the Iron Throne, the Night’s Watch’s fight against the White Walkers and the exiled royal House’s plans to return to power.

These three plotlines have been running their separate courses for years, occasionally brushing each other through a character moving through them. But as the final season start, we can expect all of the plotlines, characters, themes and events to come together for one final clash.

What will become of each of the noble Houses? Who will claim the Iron Throne once and for all? How will the surviving characters, heroes of their own stories, come to see one another? How are the yearlong mysteries finally revealed? Who will betray whom? And most importantly, can the White Walker be stopped? The final season will reveal all this and more!

Winter has come.

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Why you should listen carefully when overhearing someone...

On May the 3rd, my friend and I were debating whether wizards and muggles were different species or not. I argued that different species cannot mate, and if they are forced to then their offspring will be sterile. Wizards and muggles however can mate and produce offspring who have the capability to reproduce.

Therefore it is much more likely that magic is a genetic trait.

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A man overheard our conversation, but unfortunately he misheard the word ‘Wizard’ as ‘Lizard’. He then on a ten-minute rant on how lizards were different from muggles and how anyone who thinks lizards are the same species as muggles is a fool.

He even started to talk about how lizards were secretly plotting to take over the world using their powers to turn into dinosaurs. Neither I nor my friend had the chance to even explain to him that we said ‘Wizard’ and not ‘Lizard’.

As soon as he had finished his little speech, my friend and I were in hysterics.

He was clueless as to why we were laughing, and he will remain clueless for the rest of his life.

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Charmed: A Musical: A Review by silvertail8

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his reporter, Sherille Sharpy, found herself pleasantly charmed after a night out on the town with some close friends and a fantastic three-hour showing of "Charmed: A Musical". For those of you who have yet to see this rather touching musical, strap yourselves in and hold onto your hats! We're about to go for a really quite phenomenal ride and you're not going to want to miss a single second!

Summary

"Charmed: A Musical" is a fantastic compilation of songs and dialogue created by Egret Eddleston who was greatly inspired by the popular muggle musical "Wicked". In "Charmed: A Musical", two witches meet at Ilvermorny in The United States of America and take an immediate disliking to each other. Over the course of many adventures where danger is always close by and villains seem to always be one step ahead, the two witches become closer and eventually admit that they could call each other friends. The arc of the story takes us to a final climax where there is a final big and glorious villain that the two witches band together to overcome.

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Unfortunately, it becomes increasingly clear that in order to defeat this villain, they will need to separate, potentially for life. There is also a handsome wizard they disagree about but he's not really the focus of the story as the two witches' friendship is a much stronger plot point.

In the process of writing this article, this reporter found that she also needed to watch the muggle musical "Wicked" to more completely review "Charmed: A Musical". There are many parallels between the two but the differences make the story much more relatable to the average wizarding audience. For any interested readers, "Wicked" also focuses on two young witches but there is a sad lack of any real magic during the actual performance. It should be noted here that "Charmed: A Musical" is suggested for children ages thirteen to one hundred and seventy four. Adults are also welcome to watch but are encouraged to recall their youthful days of wonderment to fully enjoy the show.

Venue

This reporter bought tickets to a showing of "Charmed: A Musical" in the United States in a town called Broadway.

The magical musical theater scene is

especially big in this town and it shows in the surrounding restaurants and general city life. We arrived in the town of Broadway early in the day around noon so as to fully enjoy the area before our five o'clock showing. There were many wonderful eateries along the way with muggle cafes snuggled close to magical bars and restaurants. We happily chowed down on steak-filled crepes and dripping sandwiches on sticky tables before happily taking samples of hot dogs which filled your ears with the sound of a frenzied organ and bite-sized burgers which caused us to cheer loudly any time something slightly improbable occurred.

(Examples include firing a napkin into a wastebasket, catching an olive in your mouth, and downing an entire glass of firewhiskey in a single gulp. It occurs to me now that this last example might have more to do with the firewhiskey than the burger.) As night began to fall over the town, a feeling of excitement seemed to spread quickly from person to person down the crowded streets. Out of nowhere, food carts began to pop up and their vendors began to call into the crowd, tempting passing muggles, witches, and wizards to their delicious wares. Our favorites varied from a rather spectacular slice of meat-lovers pizza,

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER which made my friend burp the alphabet for five minutes, a vibrantly glowing cocktail which gave me the compulsion to kiss everyone who was wearing yellow, and a beautifully rich chocolate lava cake that exploded upwards like a real volcano whenever someone cut a piece off.

The theater that "Charmed: A Musical" is being performed in is called The Broadway Theater. Catering to both magical and non-magical performances, this fantastic theater has been home to some of the most amazing and incredible performances of all time. Still and moving pictures of these performances ornament the lobby and hallways of the theater. The casts from a hundred different musicals beam down at the vast and chattering crowd. The decor of the lobby inspires feelings of reverence with its tall, domed ceiling, its gold filigree accents, its rich, red velvet curtains, and its high, stained glass windows.

Hot Tip: Due to incredible muggleinspired engineering, you can stand anywhere under the dome and hear what is happening directly across the sphere from you. This is actually a mugglediscovered phenomenon regarding hollow spheres and has been adapted by clever magical engineers to apply to anyone within this space.

The concessions made available to patrons were large in variety and small in size. Although they were a little more expensive than the street food directly outside the theater, these snacks could be considered a decent price for the amount a customer received. Excellent souvenir gifts were also available for purchase directly across from the concessions. We could not resist and ended up with two "Charmed: A Musical" hats, three "Charmed: A Musical" shirts, and, for reasons unknown to us, a large wooden pail filled to the brim with buttered popcorn enchanted to look like liquid water.

The Musical

Without giving too much away, here is a collection of our general impressions of the musical separated by act. We will be examining and analyzing this performance by music, lighting, costumes, acting, choreography, and special effects. As "Charmed: A Musical" loosely parallels the muggle musical "Wicked", we will also be comparing and contrasting the two where we believe a comparison would be beneficial.

Act One Music

This musical started with a bang!

Going right into a fantastic, group musical number with some impressive harmonies and a strong ensemble, "Charmed: A Musical" made a great impression from the very first note. As the story progressed, I found myself fully enjoying the mix of harmonies presented to me by both the ensemble as a whole and by the more front and center main characters. The dynamics of each song was also strongly represented by most, if not all, of the cast. I did not feel, as I have felt on previous occasions, simply overwhelmed by sound and unable to catch a breath in the unrelenting force of auditory stimulation. Instead, I rode the peaks and valleys of each song, finding myself more and more in tune with the story as the measures flew by us. Although the diction of the actors themselves could have used a little work, I was not always very clear on what was being sung, the orchestra as a whole did an absolutely fantastic job. The clarity of the flutes, the warm melodies of the saxophones, the rich harmonies of the violins and violas, and the reassuring backbone that is the percussion section really blew me away. I was hard pressed to find a portion of music that I did not enjoy or that I felt did not match the tone of the performance at the time.

Lighting

As we all know, lighting for shows can be egregiously miscalculated and can lead to some pretty terrible shows. I have, myself, been in several performances which left leading performers in the dark during their solos or have accidentally lit the audience on more than one occasion. Thankfully, this lighting crew was nothing short of professional. Every lighting cue that I could discern was, with the exception of a single moment regarding an arc of flame, absolutely on time and in the correct location. The design of the lights were largely exactly what the show needed. As the first act of this show was largely about setting up the friendship between two witches, the bold colors ranging from happy bright whites and yellows to angry and angsty reds and blues really brought the show together. In addition, the spotlights on the main characters, while a little shaky, were always in the right position at the right time. At no point did any actor have to sidestep off of their mark to get into the light. The blackouts were also

appropriately timed and did not seem to be cutting into any dialogue or scenes.

Finally, the house lights at the end of Act One came up gradually so as not to blind any of the audience members.

Well done to the lighting crew!

Costumes And Props

I really have to hand it to the costuming crew. There was a LOT of costumes to manage and they all fit in very well with whichever scene they accented.

Since a lot of the scenes were meant to take place at Ilvermorny, a boarding school in the United States of America, all of the students had very similar outfits. However, there were a few scenes that took place outside of the school and in the city of New York.

From the limited research I was able to do about New York in the twentieth century, I concluded that the outfits the costuming crew chose and touched up were very appropriate for the muggle fashion trend of the day. In addition, the professors at Ilvermorny and the mayor of New York, who makes a brief appearance, were dressed in costumes that truly complimented their character's personalities. In the case of the two main characters, what they were wearing and, more importantly, how they were wearing it reflected how they felt about any given situation.

The props in this first act were very useful in both setting the scene and showing the audience what was important to the story. A great example of this is when the girls first arrive at the gates of Ilvermorny and one of them is handed a glowing marble. Having an actual glass globe which emitted light strong enough for the audience to see made it easy to recognize that this would be an object worthy of notice for the immediate future the story presented.

Other props like the taxi cabs and newspapers gave other actors on stage things to do while the scene unfolded.

These props also allowed the audience some suspension of disbelief so that we could better believe the intimacy of certain scenes even if there were still at least five other actors on the stage.

Acting

Speaking of acting, everyone who graced the stage was hand picked for the part and it really shows! In every scene, every actor on the stage embodied their character and never broke the fourth wall unless it was absolutely required by the script. The main characters were sincere and, 117

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT at least in the beginning, seemed to genuinely hate each other for the reasons that teenage girls everywhere find their archrivals. As the story progressed, the actors gave use purchase to follow their storylines and see the world from their perspective through body language, easy to love smiles, and what seemed to be genuine reactions. More than anything, I found the friendship between the two witches most believable due to their chemistry and easy rapport once the fighting had ceased. If you looked closely, you would realize that each of the ensemble members also had a small story to tell. Some adored one witch and hated the other. Some simply wanted to be noticed. Others decided early on that neither of these main characters was worth their time. Their quiet assertion of their own characters gave each scene a depth that is not achievable if even a single person on that stage doesn't believe what they are selling to the audience.

Choreography

Right off the bat, the choreography of "Charmed: A Musical" stood out to me as well timed and well executed.

The first number is one where the entire cast is on stage and moving around energetically, setting the scene for the rest of the performance. The movements themselves were sharp and crisp, showing off the choreographer's flair for ballet and jazz. Each character's set of movements for these scenes showed off who their character was and where they fell relative to the other characters. Our main characters were both bold so their movements were larger. One of the witches was more timid than the other so, although her movements were large, she did not move nearly as far as her counterpart. Some of the other students were followers and so copied the movements of one witch. Other students made their own path and their movement complemented rather than echoed either witch. In the middle of the first act, a large dancing number came to prominence and, again, the choreography shone. Paired up, ensemble and main cast danced together, weaving intricately amongst one another in glorious patterns that folded in upon themselves before exploding outward again. It should also be noted that the choreographer took great pains to match the dancer's movements to the crescendos and decrescendos in the music. Lifts were executed at the peak of a movement and 118

transitions were generally dealt with using lateral movements. Overall, it was very pleasing to the eyes and ears of the audience.

Special Effects And Set Pieces

The set pieces for this first act were beautiful and fascinating to me. I must confess that I spent a lot of time during this act firmly admiring the backdrops and various set pieces as they sat, flew, or wheeled themselves across the stage. And of course, we cannot truly acknowledge the full beauty and power of the set pieces without acknowledging the talent of the artists and engineers behind them! In this first act, the first set of major special effects came into play when the two witches first met each other and had their epic face off in their dormitory. I don't want to spoil anything but suffice it to say that it was interactive, enjoyable, and illustrative.

The second set of special effects really came into play when our two protagonists met the "love interest" for the first time and had an interesting and intricate competing duet. Again, I don't want to give anything away but I will say that the special effects at this juncture were a very creative blend of muggle "science" and magical engineering.

Not only that, but they fit the tone and message of the musical number they accompanied with flawless ease.

Act Two Music

I know that we never comment on intermission but the music chosen for use to waddle out to the lobby and into the line for the restroom was very jolly and made me happy to be in that place at that time no matter what state my bladder was in. Once intermission had ended, the tone of the second act proved to be much darker and the music reflected this. With a heavier emphasis on flute, clarinet, saxophone, and cello than any of the brass or similarly bright instruments, the music guided the audience and their emotions through a maze of dark wonderings, tragic ends, and haunting realities. With some of the most hard-hitting numbers in the second act, the composer, the conductor, and every single musician in the pit made sure we were clinging to the edges of our seats, our hearts entangled with whatever happened to unfold up on that stage. The voices of the actors also changed to fit the mood of the given scene. Sometimes, the actors would go

so far as to whisper out into the audience in the rare silence the orchestra would allow the performers. At other times, they would shout harshly into the crowd, creating a feeling of tension in the air.

The end of the show finished with a bang, orchestra and vocals coming together in a beautiful and wonderful crescendo of emotion and raw power while the audience began to applaud madly, adding to the discord.

Lighting

The lighting for the second act was much darker than that of the first act.

If any color was added, it was on the cooler side of the spectrum, mostly full of greens, blues, and purples. In a few of the gloomier sections, the lights seemed to shimmer and roll, almost like the waves on the ocean. I'm not certain if they're using anything other than some very clever light magic but if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that they may have also recruited some help from faeries to create such a subtle and mysterious effect. In either case, the lighting worked well with the overall tone of this act and definitely added to the audience's suspension of disbelief.

As with Act One, the lighting in Act Two was mostly spot on. There were no awkward pauses and no characters left singing in the dark. To top it off, there were a few rather tricky spotlight and mood lighting combinations where characters crossed in front of and around one another. To keep up, individual spotlighters often had to swap character focus halfway through songs and then swap back by the end. All in all a challenging lighting setup and the crew performed admirably.

Costumes And Props

Act Two had much fewer props and overall costumes than Act One by the mere fact that the ensemble had far fewer scenes than the main characters.

The two witches, however, had several quick changes as they progressed from school to the city to the countryside to the beach and back to the school again.

The fewer props mostly had to do with the fact that the main props had already been established and it seemed as though the writers wanted to focus more on the storyline and less on scenery. I can think of a few authors who ought to take a leaf out of their book but I shan't name names. That being said, I can think of a few key moments where the props themselves seemed to teleport?

Either someone has been using some very tricky magic or there is more than

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER one copy of that prop hanging around that stage. The quick changes similarly seem too fast to be done by muggle means. I fully expect to find, once I speak with the costumer for the show, that illusion spells were cast throughout the show. Either way, it takes a very talented crew to pull this show off.

Acting

As with the first act, the second act showcased some truly excellent acting.

The audience, myself included, believed every word and felt every betrayal. We, sitting in our seats and slurping our drinks, were completely immersed in the story and found ourselves caught by surprise by each twist as it presented itself (some more than others). During a desperately sad moment, I even found myself reaching for a tissue and heard many in the audience stifle sniffles and sobs of their own. In those last moments when the activity had reached its climax and all actors were on their feet, many of us leaped to ours as well to join in the celebration. None of that wonderful audience engagement is possible without the actors who are on that stage, bringing the emotions, the motivations, and the human reactions to us. It's also important to note that all of the actors and actresses I met after that show were incredibly humble and simply glad that we could make it to the show. Many were even excited to talk logistics regarding how the show came together as well as their favorite part in it.

Choreography

Where do I even begin this time? Act One had some very good choreography that pulled the show together. I may have even called it brilliant. Act Two? The choreography for Act Two blew the choreography for Act One quite literally out of the water. For a start, absolutely every move was clean and well executed by the dancers on the stage. It might sound easy to nail choreography when it's tied to a song but more than forty dancers to execute the same moves flawlessly is nothing short of a miracle (or just a really good and patient choreographer). This choreographer also took it to another level and REALLY used the space they were given. There are a few key moments that have been dubbed "audience favorites" so I won't spoil anything. Suffice it to say, again, that it was incredibly well performed and executed. These moves might have come off as cheesy or corny in less capable hands but, performed by this cast and facilitated by this crew, it was nothing

short of brilliant. To everyone involved, I tip my hat to you.

Special Effects And Set Pieces

There were some very, very big set pieces that were used in the second act of "Charmed: A Musical". These were largely used to set the scene although several were used for some of the stunts and as bases for many of the special effects in one of the numbers. I've quite literally never seen anything like it before. The artistry of these set pieces in conjunction with their movements during the musical numbers was incredible to see. There's just something about a large wall of brick, swinging gently about a stage while on fire, that ignites something within the audience (no pun intended). I should clarify here that the wall of brick was not actually on fire as that would violate several building safety laws in the state of New York. The final piece of special effects was, I believe, a carefully constructed immalgamation of muggle and magical engineering. Audience participation was encouraged at this stage and I am happy to say that my friends and I cheerfully obliged.

Final Takeaways

"Charmed: A Musical" is similar to the muggle musical "Wicked" in that they are both about two witches who meet at school and, after an initial period of deepest loathing, grow to care for one another deeply. Where the muggle musical "Wicked" would have these two friends part almost immediately, "Charmed: A Musical" delves deeper into their friendship and explains the deep bond they have with one another before they must separate. In both instances, a wooden pail of water is oddly significant but in shockingly different ways. They also both feature a handsome young man as a potential love interest for the two witches but "Charmed: A Musical" pays him very little thought and, although he becomes important to their journey, he remains a side character. I also found it interesting that "Wicked" chose to only have one witch actually capable of performing magic. "Charmed: A Musical" takes what I feel was a more sensible approach; especially because nearly all of the audience members are witches or wizards.

is that each one of them seemed to be completely immersed in and enjoying their experience. Anyone who has ever watched a show where the actors were not enjoying themselves will understand this sentiment. Seeing someone come alive on the stage is half of the magic.

The other half, of course, is the actual magic that goes into huge productions like this one.

My overall impression of "Charmed: A Musical" is that it is a musical for all of the family to see. It is humorous and heartwarming. It will bring both tears of laughter and deep sorrow to your eyes. It is a musical about the awkwardness of being in a new place with new people, love, and opening yourself up to new and inspiring things. Most importantly, it is about friendship and the places we can go if we let others into our lives.

Going to see this musical with my friends was an absolutely wonderful experience and I urge you to gather your loved ones and make the trip out to New York to see "Charmed: A Musical".

If you're unable to come to the United States, fear not for it has been rumored that "Charmed: A Musical" is thinking about touring Europe in theaters from Glasgow to London to Paris to Rome.

Check your Quibbler every month for new touring locations and dates.

Thank you for journeying with me into the magical world of "Charmed: A Musical" by Egret Eddleston. This particular article is dedicated both to her fantastic work of art and our beloved Elphie who will always be in our hearts.

Yours in Everlasting Ink, Sherille Sharpy

The actors in "Charmed: A Musical" were truly inspiring in the entirety of their performance but the best part about their performance, in my opinion, 119

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Would You Rather?

It’s finally summer time! Time to gather together your friends, pull up to the beach, and kick back and relax! Need something fun to do to pass the time while you’re waiting for your perfect tan? Play this exciting and magical game of Would You Rather with your friends!

So without further ado, Would You Rather…

Get a horrible sunburn or stay pale the entire summer?

Not know how to swim or not know how to ride a bike?

Get that perfect summer body or the perfect haircut?

Get blonde highlights or funky colors?

Drown or get eaten by a shark?

Be able to use magic outside of school or have an extra month of vacation?

Have a ton of summer homework or have it be raining every day?

Spend vacation with your family or go to summer camp?

Have pineapples for hands or coconuts for feet?

Get brand new robes for the summer or a new broomstick?

Play Quidditch with your family or play chess with your friends?

Play Quidditch with coconuts as quaffles or a bee as a snitch?

Build sandcastles by the beach or go water skiing on the lake?

Be able to breathe underwater or spend as much time in the sun without getting burned?

Have a ton of homework during the summer but none during the year, or have a ton of homework during the year but none during the summer?

Read a book by the pool or listen to music on the beach?

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ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

LAW & AUROR

D

on’t forget to tune in this weekend for the new series on the WBN (Wizards Broadcasting Network) -- Law and Auror. Based on the popular American muggle television show Law and Order, Law and Auror will follow a fictional Auror force as they fight dark wizards and investigate crime. The Lead Auror, played by muggle-born Elijah Wood (who was acting in muggle films long before the technology was adapted last year by the Weasley brothers to bring television to the magical world), will lead his team of Aurors across the United Kingdom, fighting crimes ranging from suspicious magical deaths to the overthrowing of the Muggle government. The first season will have cases of political espionage, an attack on Gringotts, and of course the thwarting of your run of the mill dark wizards. You’ll also get to learn more about the Auror’s private lives.

by meddleofmycause Though the first season will focus on Auror’s in the United Kingdom, the producers have said there is always the possibility of branching out to other magical law enforcement forces throughout the world, “America has a lot more regulations for their magical creatures and has a history of much stronger punishments for violating the Statute of Secrecy, if we see positive feedback from the original series idea we would love the opportunity to branch out and explore different magical justice systems throughout the world and how different cultures influence those systems.” Director Nicholas Norton told the Quibbler in our sit-down last week.

Though the Auror force will be fictional, Norton told us that many of the crimes will be ‘ripped from the headlines’ just like in the muggle show. Though the ideas for the episodes come from the headlines, we can surely

expect fresh twists and turns.

For example, many of you likely remember the case from last year of Salina Chavez, a young witch who was found dead in her home in Surrey. Her ghost accused her husband, Archie Chavez, of murdering her in order to marry his mistress. Though Mr. Chavez was initially arrested, he was later set free after evidence emerged that Mrs. Chavez had actually committed suicide after her husband had asked for a divorce, and framed him for her death.

The case was the first known in modern history where a ghost falsely accused an innocent in their death. Norton has informed us that the Chavez case was the inspiration behind the first episode of Law and Auror.

To see what exciting twists and new endings might be added to the case, tune in Friday at eight!

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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

Crossword Puzzle

ACROSS 8 10 12 13 14 15

This was Aberforth's preferred argument settlement method A Chapter in the Deathly Hallows: The Seven _____ Before flying carpets were banned, Barty Crouch Sr's grandfather owned this brand The number of classes Ron pass the OWL exam for This Magical Creature lesson had a reward of honeyduke chocolates at the end Bungy the Budgie does this in the water to keep cool

DOWN 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 11

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The creature were the 1792 Triwizard Champions suppose to catch Spell is used to create fire writing in the air The colour cloak Dumbledore wore, when dropping baby Harry off at the Dursleys Terence Higgs was a seeker of this Quidditch Team Owner of the tent that the Weasley family used at the Quidditch World Cup Complete this wizard phrase Some son of a _____ A Muggle medical gimmick Mr Weasley used while at St. Mungos Fleur was stopped from reaching her sister in the lake, because of these creatures The type of tree growing near the Riddles' Grave

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

Welcome to K9's Party Korner!

Every Quibbler Edition I'll be providing you wonderful readers with some fun Harry Potter themed activities to bring the extra level of Magic to your Harry Potter Parties!

Let’s say that your little witch or wizard you wish to make a magical evening for is not only a Harry Potter fan, but also a fan of all things creepy and crawly! This edition, I’ll be exploring ways to affix the buggier creatures from Harry Potter into your party planning…

STREELER TAG REQUIRES: Color changing flashlight, darkness Streelers are magical snails that have color changing snails and produce a poisonous slime. This game is conducted best in the evening hours, or inside a large gym, where you can ensure darkness. The ‘it’ player should be given a color changing flashlight, they will use to track down the other players and ‘poison’ them, to create the new ‘it’ player. Each time the flashlight is handed over, the player must change the color. Each color denotes a certain type of handicap all players must follow. These can be set by the party planners, but some ideas include Walking Backwards, Crab Walking, Hopping, etc. A corresponding strobe/disco-light manned by the party planner can be set up to make sure all players are alerted of the current rules.

BLAST-ENDED BATTLES REQUIRES: red pompoms Blast-Ended Skrewts are a cross between a fire crab (which is actually more of a turtle looking creature) and a manticore. This game requires all players to pair up. Pairs will hold hands, making sure to have a strong grasp. They may opt to interlock by grasping forearms instead. In the free hands, each player will wield a weapon. A red pompom is recommended, but party planners may use their discretion. The goal of this game is for a pair to separate the other pairs in play, by ramming, tickling, or pushing The last pair to maintain grips on each other is the winner. Party Planners may wish to establish rules on engagement to ensure safety.

BILLYWIG BALLOON BOLT

REQUIRES: bat (or stick) and balloon per player Billywigs are blue spinning insects that cause giddyness and levitation with their stings. This activity is a fun race. The party planner may opt to up the difficulty by having the race use an obstacle course or a winding path. Every player participating in the race requires a bat or stick of some sort, and an inflated balloon. First, the players must bend over and put their forehead on the bat (or get as close as possible).

They then must spin around the bat a predetermined number of times (equal to the players age is the recommendation, but party planner preference). Once the spins are completed, the player grabs their balloon. They must complete the race course while bouncing the balloon in the air. If the balloon drops, a recommended penalty is the player must spin around before and after picking it up. Failure to properly be penalized requires returning to the beginning of the race path. First to reach the end wins.

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A Case for Beach Volleyball by meddleofmycause

T

oday I would like to address an occurrence that almost all Witches and Wizards will experience sometime in their life. They sit there, basking in the sun at the beach, when suddenly some muggle approaches them and says “Yo Dude!

We need more players! Come join our team!” Staring in horror, the Wizard or Witch will try to demure; why would one want to remove their stockings and shoes and join a group of muggles throwing a ball into the air and then batting at it like a crazy person before it gets tossed about in the air like a bizarre game of hot-gnome keep away. Unfortunately, the muggle instigators of Beach Volleyball are often rather insistent, and in the end it’s easier to play with them than to continue to have them try and man handle one out of their beach chair and onto the court. Standing there awkwardly, the average witch or wizard will often attempt to play without understanding the rules, and at the end of the game that they don’t know how to play they will softly slink out of sight before apparating away, a good day at the beach once again ruined by volleying of the balls.

But no more! Beach Volleyball is a fun and exciting way for one to interact with muggles, get exercise, work on their tan, and have an exciting time! So take off your shoes, tie back your hair, and get ready to enjoy your day at the beach!

Understand the premise

Beach Volleyball is a muggle-favorite, because it is played in the sand. It has long been speculated that without the proper cushioning charms, muggle shoes may cause discomfort, so a game which can be played barefoot seemed rather appealing to the muggles. Because of the informal nature of the games, team sizes vary, but are ideally six players on each team, divided by a net. The Objective is to reach 21 points before the other team. Points are obtained when the serving-team’s ball is not able to be returned by the opposing team. If the opposing team forces the serving team to be unable to return the ball, then the next set begins with the opposing team becoming the serving team. After the ball has changed hands, the team who is about to serve does a quick minuette, changing person who will serve the ball next. Serving the ball is simple, just quickly toss the ball in the air, and then swat it along to the other side. When the ball is coming towards you, crouch

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down slightly and thrust your hands in a forward motion, propelling the ball over the net and hopefully into the sand at the other team’s feet.

Tips and Tricks

(Remember, if you are not well-versed in wandless and wordless magic, practice these steps BEFORE going to the beach. One wouldn’t want to violate the Statute of Secrecy just to win a game!)

1. When Volleying the Ball, when you go to toss the ball in the air do a quick wandless wingardium leviosa. This will make it much easier to hit the ball! Remember to hit it quickly though, else the muggles might become suspicious if the ball is suspended in mid-air for too long.

2. A quick cushioning charm on the knees before the beginning of the match will make it much easier to dive for the ball, gaining acclaim from all of your muggle teammates at your bravery.

3. If the ball being volleyed to the other team and might not make it over the net, either a repello or another wingardium may come in handy to give it the little push you might need. Remember to avoid making this spell too strong, you don’t want the ball going out of bounds.

4. When diving for the ball, if it is close but you may miss by a hair, a quick accio will help you connect and hit the ball. Keep in mind, this one can be suspicious. If called out, remember to loudly shout “Wow guys, did you see how strong the wind was there? Knocked the ball off course!”

5. High-fives and butt-pats are acceptable at the end of the game, kissing all of your teammates full-on on the lips is discouraged, but depending on their amount of libations may not be unwelcome.

So now you know how to play Beach Volleyball.

The next time that you’re lying contentedly under your beach parasol and are approached by a muggle player, don’t shy away! Instead of demurring away from the game, join them! You could learn a new skill, have fun, and get a good workout in! Remember, that often when muggles begin a game of beach volleyball they have been drinking alcohol, so it will be much easier for you to ‘blend in’ than it would be normally, and you can observe a fun part of muggle beach culture!

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QUIBBLER FASHION

It’s summer already, and at summertime, you’ll need the perfect clothes to save you from feeling like you’re going to melt into chopped flobberworms! There are many new clothes out there that can help you!

Taurus’ and Terry’s cool summer robes These are beautiful woman’s robes available in each and every colour. They are charmed with a Permanent Cooling Charm to avoid heatstroke and all have their own unique design. Taurus’ and Terry’s robe shop can be found to the left of Gringotts. You can buy robes for 25 Galleons.

A skirt Skirts are a muggle kind of clothing discovered by wizards and witches recently, and they allow for a comforting cool breeze under your legs. Skirts are pieces of clothing that wrap around your waist and usually reach the knees. They can be used by both wizards and witches, and look best with a muggle garment called a shirt, which is like a dress but it only reaches the waist. You can buy it at Adidas, a muggle shop.

If you have an outfit, it’s not complete until it has an accessory! The new flower brooch by Madam Malkin is a must have for anyone who cares about their fashion. It is a beautiful white lily paired with gorgeous acacia flowers and looks stunning on every dress robe. You can buy it at Madam Malkin’s robes for every occasion for 3 Galleons.

After you’ve finally decided on an outfit, you will definitely get some of the opposite gender’s attention, especially with those skirts. Have a great summer!

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QUIBBLER FASHION

The Wave : TM

A Summer Hair Care Potion The WaveTM

The WaveTM is a hair care potion which will cause the drinker's hair to gently undulate as they go about their day.

The makers of The WaveTM have carefully constructed the perfect recipe using Unicorn Tail Hairs, Kelpie Whiskers, and Scarab Beetle Wings among other ingredients.

Ingredients • • • • •

2 Unicorn Tail Hairs (finely chopped) 5 Kelpie Whiskers 9 Scarab Beetle Wings (sliced) 1 cup crushed sea salt 5 cups fresh water

Procedure 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Bring the fresh water to a boil Add half of the sea salt and mix until combined Allow to simmer on low heat for 5 minutes Sprinkle in the Scarab Beetle Wings Add in the rest of the sea salt and bring heat to medium Sprinkle in the chopped Unicorn Tail Hairs Stir the solution with the Kelpie Whiskers until they are glowing turquoise 8. Drop the glowing whiskers in and turn off the heat while stirring continuously clockwise

The History

The WaveTM potion was invented by Articus Hornwald in the mid '70s when it was common for British witches and wizards to vacation on the sunny beaches of France. Inspired by the motion of the waves and the chittering of dolphins, Articus began the long process of perfecting what he thought would be the perfect beach-side cocktail.

The initial ingredients included seagull feathers and crushed hermit crab shells but Articus, after much running about, discovered that obtaining fresh seagull feathers was nearly 128

impossible without a well-aimed freezing charm and that hermit crab shells were, in fact, the shells of other, usually bigger, animals which had long vacated them. The hermit crabs themselves also proved highly elusive and after an entire summer spent chasing both animals up and down the coast, Articus finally admitted defeat and exchanged the two ingredients for Kelpie whiskers and a charm.

The Kelpie whiskers were, at the time, also challenging to acquire, but Articus' path had already been paved by expansive and sometimes brutal explorers. In the early days, obtaining Kelpie whiskers was a brutal task that involved killing the Kelpie in question. Once the Kelpie was dead, the hunter would pluck the whiskers from their faces before vacating the area. In later years, hunters discovered that the teeth of a Kelpie were also very useful and toothless, whiskerless Kelpie were washing up on far-distant shores.

Thankfully, in 1965, the Ministry of Magic passed the Kelpie Protection Act which not only forbade hunters from killing Kelpies but ensured that infrastructure was put in place to educate them on how to obtain whiskers and teeth in ways that would not cause the Kelpie discomfort. The Hair-Regrowing Charm and the Densaugeo Charm were key to the success of this Act as educated hunters regrew the whiskers and teeth they took after stunning the Kelpies. Unfortunately, while the Kelpies were immobile and stunned, they did not have an entirely pain-free experience. Researchers pushed hunters to use various numbing techniques over the years to make the procurement of the whiskers and teeth painless for the Kelpies but these techniques only became commonplace in the last decade.

Current Usage

Now, The WaveTM is used widely by young witches and wizards all across Europe during the summer months.

When applied liberally to the hair, the potion causes it to undulate lazily and produce a curious combination of sounds

FASHION QUIBBLER including the chittering of dolphins, the crashing of waves, and a faint cawing of seagulls. The amount applied to the hair affects the volume of the ocean sounds as well as the amplitude of the undulation. Students from Beauxbaton's Academy of Magic and Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry are most fond of this potion. Unfortunately, most professors at both institutions have banned the use of this hair care potion from their classrooms due to its potentially distracting nature. "It's difficult for students to focus on transfiguring porcupines into pincushions when their classmate's hair looks and sounds like a safe haven for sea creatures," Professor McGonagall of Hogwarts says with a hint of irritation before sweeping away to deal with a student who has managed to transfigure their nose onto a slug.

The Ministry of Magic does not share the same view. Although it has been known in the past to be a place of work that prefers its employees to act in a relatively uniform manner, Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt has relaxed this standard on Fridays. This beginning of "Casual Fridays" has caused a lift in morale within the staff and seems to also have increased workflow. Managers have reported that their employees have better, more creative ideas for tackling problems and have attributed this shift to the encouragement of expressing individualism that "Casual Fridays" naturally instil.

Side Effects

The WaveTM was originally marketed as an easy to use, easy to apply, hair care potion which had no ill or adverse effects at all. Now, after some painstaking research done by the Potion Advisory Unit at the Ministry of Magic, it has come to light that there are some mild side effects which users should be aware of before trying the product. Excessive use of the product, anything more than five applications per day, will result in a deep yearning for the ocean that can only be quelled by drinking a gallon of seawater. This, of course, gives the drinker severe dehydration and they need to follow the gallon of seawater with two gallons of freshwater. Using the restroom during all three gallons is required as the human body cannot process more than one litre every hour without catastrophic failure. It is also recommended to continue eating meals during this time as it may take you several days to complete the treatment and recover. Oddly, it's not just large amounts of The WaveTM that can have undesired effects. Some users have reported, after normal use, The WaveTM can attract small clouds of gnats, individual seagulls, and even small children. Odd though this combination is, these creatures are not harmful to the wearer and are easily deterred with toast or honey on a nearby creature or object.

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3 Ways to Protect Your Hair While Swimming!

Ah, yes, it’s finally summer! Time to spend days basking in the sun, taking in the rays, and cooling off by taking a dip in the water. However, those horrible chemicals in pools and the salt in oceans and seas can take a major toll on your hair! Keep your locks safe this summer with these three ways to save your strands.

1. With a spell!

Impervius is a well known spell to repel water from objects, and this works for your hair as well. Simply cast this at your hair before swimming, and your hair will be completely dry! This means that no water will enter your hair, and no chemicals or salts in the water will enter either. As an added bonus, you won’t have to spend hours drying your hair after coming out of the water.

2. With a potion!

Save the integrity and shine of your hair with a store-bought or homemade potion. My personal favorite is Florrie Forester’s Hair Keeper. For best results, apply liberally to your hair before swimming. With ingredients such as gillyweed and kelp, it repels chemicals and salts from entering your hair. After swimming, wash as usual. Be careful not to leave the potion in your hair for more than ten hours or else it might fall out.

If you find yourself without the time for a trip down to Diagon Alley, you can brew a version of this potion yourself.

You will need to gather the following ingredients: • • • • • • •

3 leaves seaweed 3 leaves kelp 1L water 5g powdered lionfish spine 2 pufferfish eyes 2 drops salamander blood 5 drops tears of toad

Combine all ingredients in any cauldron over low heat. Allow to simmer, stirring three times counterclockwise every five minutes. I recommend enchanting your stirring device to do this for you, as the potion can take up to 2-3 hours to complete. Continue to simmer and stir until the potion is thick and sticky, green, and smells like the sea.

3. Or with some muggle tips!

The muggles like to soak their hair in potion-like concoctions before swimming. They believe that these will repel water molecules, keep your hair moisturized, and block harmful minerals. One tip is to shower before swimming, but don’t rinse out your conditioner. Or you can lather your hair in some coconut oil to have the same effect.

You can also cover your hair in a shower/swimmer’s cap, a muggle device used to keep hair dry. This plasticy rubber item is placed over your hair, covering it all. You can use this without the conditioner or coconut oil, but if you use both, your hair will be extra soft!

If you follow one or any combination of these tips above, your hair will be happy and healthy. Feel free to swim all you want without any damage. Flaunt your locks around the pool or the lake, and everyone will wonder how you have such beautiful, shiny hair!

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How to Protect Your Skin This Summer

Many of us love to soak in the sun during the summer months and achieve that perfect level of tan. But did you know that the sun can cause major damage to your skin? The sun emits powerful UV rays, which may darken your skin to a pleasing tone, but it may also burn your skin. Not only does this cause your skin to be red, painful, and irritating, but it can permanently damage your skin, leading to cancer. These rays are the strongest during the summer, so it is important to take extra care these next few months! These rays can even penetrate through clouds, so be careful even when it isn’t entirely sunny! Thankfully, here are some great tips to keep you safe and healthy this summer!

There are several muggle tips that are actually very useful for preventing sunburn and skin damage. These sun rays are the strongest in the middle of the day, between 10 am and 2 pm, so it is best to avoid going outside during these times! If you do go outside, wear long clothing such as sleeved shirts and jeans to minimize the exposed area. Of course, this can be very hot, but you can always charm your clothing to stay cool! Stay in the shade as much as possible!

Some surfaces such as glass, metal, and water are reflective. These surfaces appear shiny and they reflect light from the sun. This means that they also reflect the harmful UV rays from the sun, and when they are reflected, they might even be stronger! It is best to stay away from reflective surfaces if possible.

The muggles also have a brilliant invention called sunscreen. This comes in either a cream or spray form and is applied to the skin.

This will not stop your skin from burning, but it will increase the amount of time you can be in the sun before burning. These sunscreens all come with a number - the higher, the better! A higher number means it is stronger and you can be in the sun for longer. Remember to always read the directions on the bottle, and always reapply after being in the water!

You also have skin on your lips, which can be burned. Thankfully muggle chapstick, which moisturizes the skin, can also have sunscreen in it! Your scalp can also be burned, so make sure to wear a hat!

Of course, there are many wizards who do not like to follow muggle trends. There are a few wizarding potions available to protect you from the sun! They work very similarly to the muggle sunscreen. These potions can last longer, however, if left on for more than 8 hours, they can eat your skin away. So remember to always shower after a few hours of wearing this! My personal favorites are Don’s Daily Sun Protectant and Pink Lady’s Anti-Sun Potion.

If you cannot find these potions or do not have the time nor money to buy them, you can brew some alternatives yourself. I recommend the following concoction: • • • • • •

1 L aloe vera 5 drops dittany 1 bat wing 5 drops castor oil 3 dandelion roots, dried, crushed 1 g full peppermint leaves

Mix all ingredients in a room temperature cauldron. Place on full heat for five minutes, stirring rapidly, then cool immediately.

Allow to freeze, then bring back to room temperature. Stir 5 times counterclockwise and 1 time clockwise.

The potion above can be applied either before or after sun exposure. If applied before sun exposure, it can help prevent any sun damage for up to five hours. However, if applied after, it will not reverse the sun damage. It can soothe the skin and aid in healing, but will not undo any damage.

If you do end up getting burned, one muggle tip is to apply aloe vera. The purer the gel, the better. This will nourish the skin and help with healing.

It is also important to drink a lot of water! Keeping your body and skin hydrated will help prevent and heal any burns.

None of these methods are foolproof, so do not rely too heavily on them! It is best to combine as many methods as possible to get the best protection! (However, I would advise against wearing both muggle sunscreen and potions, as the two may react together to create some undesirable side effects).

But just remember, the only way to not get any sun damage is to stay inside!

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Muggle Magic: Gloo

by Wheres_Lee

T

here are many ways to bond two objects together; the Sticking Charm, it’s beefy big brother – the Permanent Sticking Charm, the Stickfast Hex (albeit this is a hex and will only stick things together if they are shoes and the floor), and so the list goes on. Being so accustomed to using these spells, it can be hard to imagine any other way of bonding things together. If one were to think creatively, they might see fit to use troll bogeys, however if you’ve ever been cursed with the opportunity to niggle your nostrils near enough to a troll’s handkerchief aka their hand, you might understand why it is not an ideal substitute for any magical bond (the sticky kind, not the two friends playing Catch the Quaffle kind).

The muggle community have long been disadvantaged without magic and have had to bind objects

together with rope, however when rope is too heavy for the job, they use a bottle of Gloo. The consistency is in fact not far from that of troll bogeys; however, the smell is far more pleasant. Muggle school students actually love the smell so much that if they are caught taking in the odour in front of a professor, they may give the student a slip of paper that gives them permission to take the rest of the week off school.

Gloo is most popular in bottle form where it appears as a liquid, though it is also available as a solid stick which is used for bigger things that need sticking. Muggle shoes for example are held together with a bottle of liquid gloo, whereas bricks in muggle walls are adhered with solid sticks of gloo.

many disadvantages. Our way of sticking things is very quick once you know the right spell, however muggles must wait hours and even days for gloo to dry. The initial bond of the gloo is very weak and strengthens over time as it dries, which is a huge issue for the muggles and rightfully so – imagine that all those things you broke when you were a teenager that you could fix in the nick of time just as your parents walked through the door, and now imagine the stress of finding a place to hide it while the gloo dried.

To us magic folk, this gloo may just seem tragic and a struggle, but it really is magic for a muggle.

Magic as it may seem, gloo has its 133

Ten Top Tips On Castle Upkeep

by Jacklyn Jordan

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D

o you live in a castle without a house elf ? Do you constantly feel run down and unable to keep up with the dust and cobwebs? Let out a huge sigh of relief and feel that burden lift from your back because these are the Top Ten Tips On Castle Upkeep! All ten of these tips follow two basic ideas: Consistency and Order.

Before we roll out the Top Ten Tips, let's talk about what relatively inexpensive equipment you will need to have handy to keep a tidy castle. It's important to remember that you do NOT need to buy all of these items.

Instead, you can ask a friendly neighbor to lend you theirs. In the instance where no friendly neighbor is available, we strongly advise AGAINST stealing some from an unfriendly neighbor.

We will also note acceptable substitutes for the items along the way for the savvy witch or wizard with lighter coin purses.

The equipment used in these Top

Ten Tips include:

• A feather duster • Substitute: An old shirt or pair of pants • A toilet plunger • Substitute: Wadiwasi spell • Warning: May cause undesired splashing...

• Mrs. Scour's All-Purpose Mess Remover

Substitute: The Quibbler's homemade house cleaning solution

One (1) part vinegar

One (1) part baking soda One (1) part water

One (1) part unicorn spit

Most commonly found in apothecaries but occasionally found in the market as well next to the pepper.

• Muggle Vaccum Cleaner

Substitute: The Quibbler's homemade muggle-inspired

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One (1) cardboard box

One (1) pair of butterfly wings One (1) transferable scourgify spell

One (1) transferable levitation spell

Note: The substitute can be ordered through The Quibbler at 3 galleons/cleaner.

As Hermione notes at Weasley Wizard Wheezes, these transferable spells are quite tricky so we've decided to give our readers the option of ordering cleaners to save some time and effort.

Laundry Set

This could either be a charmed muggle laundry set or the traditional enchanted bucket and brush setup.

For tips on how to create your own setup, owl us with the letter heading "HELP WITH LAUNDRY SETUP" and you will receive a pre-written, prepackaged set of instructions.

Provided that you already have a bucket, brush, and some water, you should have a working laundry setup in no time!

Lint Roller

Muggles invented these presumably after discovering that the cats and dogs they allowed into their homes shed quite a lot of hair everywhere.

You can buy these either in a muggle shop or make your own!

(We recommend buying it in a muggle shop or ordering through us since this again requires transferable spells.

Tip # 1:

The first tip uses consistency and order. We recommend always returning things to their proper place. It's alright to use what you have but it's important to

make sure it gets placed back in its proper place when you're finished. This means that the next time you need to use it, you are not wasting time looking all over the castle's twenty-six bedrooms, twenty-seven bathrooms, twelve closets, and four kitchens for it.

Nor do you risk breaking most of the other items in your house by summoning it every time you need it.

Tip # 2:

The second tip uses consistency.

It's best to choose a day of the week for the big chores. For example, Monday might be Laundry Day, Tuesday might be Dusting Day, Wednesday might be Clean The Bathroom Day, Thursday might be Redo Cleaning Helper Enchantments Day, and Friday might be Buy Everything I Could Possibly Need For The Next Week Day. Choosing a day of the week to do the bigger chores means that you are less likely to forget to do them. In the same vein, putting a reminder on your calendar or planner will help you to remember what needs to be done.

Tip # 3:

The third tip also uses consistency. It's important to strive to always do your dishes either immediately after cooking a meal or immediately after eating a meal. The "immediately" word is key here because over time, you won't even have to think about doing the dishes but instead be triggered right after your chosen event to wash your dishes!

QUIBBLER CASTLES AND BURROWS Doing the dishes immediately after a meal is also very important because there are fewer dishes to do at a time than if you only did your dishes once a day. It's also important to clean your drying rack at least once every two weeks. Unfortunately, drying racks attract small insects if left unwashed for extended periods of time.

Tip # 4:

The fourth tip again uses consistency (perhaps it's not a coincidence that we are consistently using consistency?).

Dusting should happen once every week but no longer than once every two weeks. The reason for this is because dust, if left untouched and allowed to collect, attracts Rabid Dust Bunnies.

Tip # 6:

apothecary should be able to sell you Doxycide which you can use The sixth tip also uses to knock the doxies out before the consistency. It's a good idea to Magical Creature Control Unit open all of your windows once a stops by to collect them. Boggarts month and set a breeze loose in the castle. This will clear out most can simply be vanished by a of the unwanted Wrackspurts that well placed Riddikulus jinx but poltergeists should be handled have found their way into your exclusively by the professionals. home. For those who are unclear To eliminate Wrackspurts, we on why a high concentration of recommend airing out your Wrackspurts may be undesirable house but more information in their home, please see our can be found in our previously article called "Wrackspurts: mentioned article "Wrackspurts: Friends or Foes?"

Friends or Foes?".

To rid your house of nifflers, we highly recommend reading through Newt Scamander's book "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them". A Magical Creature Control Unit should be contacted anyway because a niffler's disposition is a sweet one and they are not considered malicious.

These ferocious creatures have been known to bite small children and animals. For more information on Dust Bunnies and their rabid counterparts, please see our article called "Rabid Dust Bunnies: The Quiet Menace".

If you spot a Rabid Dust Bunny, please contact your local Magical Creature Control Unit. DO NOT attempt to handle the bunny on your own.

Tip # 8:

Tip # 5:

The fifth tip uses both order and consistency. In regards to cleaning the bathroom, it's recommended that the tub, sink, and toilet be cleaned no less than once every month. Commonly overlooked areas include behind the toilet, behind the taps, and the surface of the faucets. Ghouls are known to enjoy soggy and damp areas with lots of mildew so if you would like to avoid hosting one of these creatures in your bathroom, the writers at The Quibbler would strongly urge you to clean your bathroom often!

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Tip # 7:

The seventh tip uses order.

We advise you and the other occupants of your castle to go around once a month and check every cabinet, drawer, dresser, and cupboard for any unwanted critter. This includes but is not limited to poltergeists, boggarts, doxies, wrackspurts, and nifflers.

If any of these are sighted, we recommend contacting your local Magical Creature Control Unit.

More often than not, your local

The eighth tip uses consistency.

If you have an owl like many of us at The Quibbler do, you'll know that cleaning owl droppings and owl pellets from the floor and pretty much any horizontal (and sometimes vertical) surface is a full-time job. So what do we suggest to combat your little poop machine? A bucket. Yes, a bucket. The best thing you can do for yourself is either enchant a bucket to follow your beloved pet all around the house or to train your pet to only poop above the bucket. I think we know which scenario is more likely to work.

Just be sure to routinely (read:

daily) vanish the poop from the bucket. As a side note to all pet owners out there, knowing the state of your pet's poop is an important step in monitoring their health. Just don't breathe in too deeply while you do it.

Tip # 9:

The ninth tip primarily uses consistency. We have consulted with Stella's Security along with the Ministry of Magic on the topic of home and castle security.

Both entities have agreed that larger homes require more frequent and often more powerful wards to keep their occupants safe. A list of recommended wards can be viewed in the Ministry of Magic lobby but can also be mailed to you following a written request. Classes are also offered at Stella's Security on placing wards. They also recommend that you reinforce or renew your wards once a month so as not to leave anything to chance.

Tip # 10:

The tenth and final tip uses consistency and order. Many witches and wizards have migrated from calling their food storage containers "ice boxes" to calling them "refrigerators" in order to follow the similar Muggle trend. One thing both ice boxes and refrigerators have in common is their need to be cleared out every month. We've all had that horrible moment where we pull out a dish that's in the back and look at it with scrunched up faces. Was it meat? Was it cake? Perhaps it was some awful combination of the two? Either way, we have had to deal with the monthly haul of clearing out the ice box. Now, we propose enchanting your ice box so that every time you open

the door, it detects and vanishes rotten food for you! This could best be done with a specialized detection spell coupled with a vanishing spell but a special team from Fridge MagnetsTM will pay you a house or castle visit for as little as 10 galleons and fix it for you! For more information on this special offer, please owl Fridge MagnetsTM directly with the letter heading "VANISH MY ROTTEN FOOD PLEASE".

For clarification on any of these tips, please send us an owl at the Castle & Burrows Department for The Quibbler and our writers will be glad to send you a personalized letter by return owl. For more information on any of the specialized companies mentioned, please contact them directly by owl.

This has been Jacklyn Jordan with your Ten Top Tips for Castle Upkeep. Join us next issue for more fantastic castle and home advice!

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Myths of the Muggles: A Guide to the United States

by Armyprivateoctopus99

Alabama: The Cry Baby Bridge of Hartselle Alabama’s most famous haunted spot is an excellent case study on the common negative muggle perception of ghosts as frightening beings.

I have it on good authority that muggles actually fear ghosts. In muggle popular culture, ghosts appear in horror movies. The key to why muggles think this is in the details. I recently watch a muggle movie, where violent and disturbing ghosts terrify muggles at a place called hill house.

Muggles associate ghosts with haunted spots, like old bridges, hospitals, manor homes, and other abandoned sites.

If you're familiar with the Ministry of Magic and Magical Congress of the United States policies, this makes perfect sense. It is policy here and abroad to try to isolate disturbing or malevolent ghosts or poltergeists, by banishing them to these abandoned structures.

The result of this is that muggles occasionally break through muggle-repelling charms at these sites, without the knowledge of witches or wizards.

They talk to other muggles about this who are then motivated to break through often stagnant and weakened charms to view the ghost themselves.

The rumors spread and eventually you have muggles seeing ghosts everywhere and many probably making

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them up to fit in. There’s actually a group dedicated to this called Ghost Hunters, not to be confused with the North American Association of ghosts of former mountain men, outdoorsmen, and pioneers, called the Ghost Hunters.

There are a number of Cry Baby Bridges in the United States. These sites employed an experimental form of muggle-warding, beginning in the 1800s in the US and becoming very popular in from the turn of the century on to the mid 1950s.

The premise was that loud of auditorily frightening ghosts could keep muggles away from spots where other banished ghosts have been confined. This has actually driven muggle attention in many cases, but luckily it has coincided with many ghosts choosing to remain inactive and invisible after being isolated for long periods of time.

Cry Baby Bridges are set apart because they employ ghosts of children to ward of muggles with disturbing crying. This bridge in Alabama is the best known in the States as there is also a highly active poltergeist at the spot who, if a muggle leaves out a candy bar at night, will take a bite. This has really helped drive home the belief in a frightening and somehow corporeal ghost in muggle ghost enthusiasts.

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Alaska: The Alaskan Triangle The counterpart to the Bermuda Triangle off the coast of Florida, this renowned and massive preserve for North American magical creatures is typically unvisited by muggles. However, there are still regular disappearances here, despite MACUSA’s best efforts.

An area of this size is simply too large for muggle repelling charms to cover. The rate of disappearances is incredibly high compared to the rest of the country.

There has also been a significant number of plane crashes here, often caused by the fledgling community of transplant Swedish Shortsnouts living there. A blind Shortsnout famously collided with the plane of Muggle US House Majority Leader, Hale Boggs here in 1972.

Other disappearances here have been attributed to the large Thunderbird, Hidebehind, and extremist rebel Sasquatch populations, but are often attributed to the grizzly bears that also roam here.

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Arizona: Slaughterhouse Canyon This famous canyon was the hideout for a group of anti-muggle Dark wizards in the 1810s, they trapped the canyon with spells to encourage muggles to investigate rather than keep away. The canyon was cleared of most boobytrapped spells in the 1860s, but by then had gathered a reputation among muggles as a dangerous place. There is still a well known story of a muggle family, persecuted by the group. The father who had the bad luck to stake a claim next to the canyon went to town for rations and was abducted and killed by the rebels. The rebels then persecuted the rest of the family using the imperius curse to force them to kill each other.

This legend persists today, in part because of lax enforcement of the International Statute of Secrecy

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by MACUSA allowing for muggle exposure to the wizarding world that does not spread as evidence of a magical reality or pose immediate danger, to persist. This is a result of their relationship with the NoMaj (Muggle) US Presidency, which has pressured them to respect the Muggle “Bill of Rights,” but that's a complicated issue.

Today a small number of spells cast by the rebel group’s leader and one time Governor, in the state’s muggle government, Lewis Sumpter Owings, remain.

These include multiple Anti-gravity Mist charms, a babbling curse (in a hidden cave), and a particularly nasty application of Glisseo to some of the canyon’s sloped ground at the edges of high cliffs.

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Arkansas: The Dog Boy Often, when muggles come into contact with magic, they invent or adapt stories to explain why the answer couldn’t be magic. In Arkansas, this gave birth to the legend of the dog boy. For years a Gytrash roamed after escaping from a wizarding circus while traveling through Quitman, AR. The escape was never reported, in an attempt to avoid fines or prosecution for substandard security practices. This escape coincided with stories of a boy who tortured animals, and eventually his own parents. The boy eventually died in a muggle prison.

But he left such an impression on nearby muggles that they believed the Gytrash that terrorized the town was a monstrous spirit dog-man. Victims of the Gytrash have reported glowing eyes on a large and fast-moving body chasing them through the streets.

As characteristic with a Gytrash, victims also report the glowing eyes avoiding light, allowing them to find safety under streetlights and porch lights.

Remember, if you ever encounter a Gytrash, the simplest way to protect yourself is with lumos, or better yet, Lumos Maxima. A bright enough light can be fatal for a Gytrash.

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California: The Ghouls of Alcatraz The Island of Alcatraz has long been thought to be inhabited by evil spirits, from legends originating from indigenous peoples to mysteries that popped up among guards. The island has been host to a colony of ghouls who, unbeknown to the muggle guards and prisoners, inhabited the caves under the island.

They spawned dozens of stories of hearing strange noises and near human speech. In fact, on a number of occasions, the ghouls were discovered by guards

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and booked into the prison in place of escapees, the assumption being that the rough waters of the bay had thrown them into the rocky island, disfiguring the assumed prisoners.

MACUSA agents were constantly being called out to the island until they convinced the muggles to close the island prison over pricing concerns in 1963. Today, large parts of the prison are closed and protected with extensive anti-muggle charms for the ghouls to roam.

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Colorado: The Ghost Car of Riverdale Road The ghost car of Riverdale Road is an extremely active otherworldly phenomenon to most muggles.

Muggles will typically describe a car with a single headlight and will attempt to race them making the sounds of a revving engine and approaching drivers.

There are legends of other ghostly figures appearing along the road as well. These include a boy who was hit by a car on his way to school and now leaves handprints on the stop signs all along the road.

Another is that a woman in white patrols the area near a set of gates. The story goes that these are the gates to Hell. The man who built them decades ago lost his mind when he completed them. He took to the mansion home behind the gates and burnt it to the ground, all while his children and wife slept inside. The woman in white is said to wear a nightgown and is alleged to have been his wife, still waiting for her children to emerge from the burned out mansion.

Muggles also spread the story of lone hitchhikers that appear every night, though none seem to know what would happen if you tried to give them a ride.

Another legend endemic to the area is the ghost jogger. Muggles cite a ghost jogger that was hit by a car while running along the road at night and passed away. There are stories of drivers hitting ghostly figures that appear from nowhere and seemingly disappear, leaving no body, only a large humanoid dent in the car. Muggle joggers also report being chased by ghostly figures along the road, reporting grunts and a dim light that looks like a phone in a running band on the figure's person.

It sounds quite frightening, and for a muggle who grows up hearing all of these scary stories that have

the own backstories, I'm sure it truly is. Fortunately, as witches and wizards, we have the breadth of knowledge to recognize that all the stories share the common traits of an active hinkypunk population.

The lone headlight and revving of a Camaro are nothing but the lantern and grunting of an aggressive hinkypunk that has found imitating a car to be an effective way to prey on muggles, luring them off the road and to their deaths.

The ghostly figures and the woman in white are just hinkypunks caught in the headlights and flashlight beams of curious muggles.

The ghostly jogger that muggles encounter is believed to be the same or one of the same creatures that try to race cars and imitate a Camaro.

When they are put in the driver's headlights it is believed that they are trying to challenge them to a race but reveal themselves without enough space between themselves and the muggle drivers.

When the driver is unable to stop, the hinkypunk is caught in the car's headlights and made solid. This happens almost immediately before impact and regularly results in a crash that leaves a humanoid dent. When the driver turns off their headlights, the injured hinkypunk slinks back into the darkness, leaving only the damage they caused behind.

Even when the ghostly jogger is chasing muggle joggers on the road, it is hinkypunk behavior. This fooled many early investigators of phenomena on Riverdale Road, but has since been explained.

Juvenile hinkypunks are often unable to project a bright light from their lanterns or may not have gotten their lanterns yet. Juvenile hinkypunks also so happen to be the most likely to make mistakes and instead of luring a victim to their untimely death by leading from a distance, they give chase, hoping to drive their victim towards some hazard in the darkness, which has a far lower rate of success.

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Connecticut: The Music of Gardner Lake There is a series of legends that abound in the area surrounding Gardner Lake and Salem, Connecticut.

Muggles claim the source of the phenomena is a house that fell through the ice and sank, when muggles sought to move it over the frozen body of water. The wealthy muggle widower, Thomas Lecount owned a house on Gardner Lake. Here he raised his daughter and taught her piano. In 1884 she disappeared after going to play on the shores of the lake and was presumed drowned. Lecount could not bear to part with the house he had raised her in nor the piano he had taught her to play. He purchased land on the opposite side of the lake.

When winter came and the lake had been frozen over for several weeks, Lecount paid a contractor to move the home across the frozen lake to land he had recently purchased. Lecount was so invested in the house moving safely across the lake, that he insisted on staying inside the house while it was moved.

The contractor and his team moved the house over the lake but it became stuck over the middle of the lake late at night and they elected to leave it until

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morning. That same night, the local mill let out water from the lake and the ice lost its support. The house fell through the ice and sank out of sight, and Lecount with it. Legend has it that the night guard outside the house heard Lecount playing his piano as the house slipped below the surface.

Ever since the house sank, muggles fishing, hiking, and camping in the locale have reported the sounds of unsettling music emanating from the depths of the lake, seeming to follow them.

This is a simple case for most wizarding people who hear the stories. Any school-aged witch or wizard could identify the telltale signs of a mermish settlement. Additionally, muggles have been reporting disappearances of those visiting the lake at night and especially fishing after dark since the 1920s.

As a result MACUSA representatives approached mermish leaders in the 1970s and were able to secure a deal where the local muggle government would regularly stock the lake with fish (secured by MACUSA agents employing the Confundus Charm) in exchange for the merpeople taming the Grindylow and Kelpie populations in the lake.

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Delaware: The Catman of Long Cemetery The Catman of Long Cemetery is an old urban legend among muggles in the Frankford, DE area.

Many muggles claim to have been chased from the cemetery by a part cat part man creature. You may think, there's no magical creature that appears as a half human half cat. You're correct. The culprit here is a local Wampus that protects the cemetery as a favor to it's long lost wizard companion, who guarded and upkept the cemetery before him.

The Wampus roams the grounds and has been known to show itself to muggles to scare them away.

One component to the muggle urban legend is that knocking three times on the brick wall will cause

the creature, Catman, to attack. Wizards from the MACUSA Office of the Secretary for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures have ascertained that the wizard companion to the Wampus had used this to call the Wampus. Understandable the grief stricken Wampus thought to teach a lesson to those who would bring back painful memories.

The reason the Wampus has a reputation among muggles as a half cat, half man creature is that from 1952 to 1978 the Office of the Secretary for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures' staff in charge of Concealment and Secrecy was less than proficient in the extremely advanced Species-Switching Spells required to maintain a human appearance for the Wampus. The Wampus passed away in 2004, after guarding the cemetery for over 124 years.

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Florida: The Carnivorous Pink Cloud of the Tomoka River In the densely green and misty area along the Tomoka River, there are numerous accounts of a thick Pink fog that eats stray people. The fog apparently will emerge from the marshes And stalk its victims. The only accounts we do have are second hand. There seen the cloud or they’ve seen the bones it leaves in its wake.

The muggle accounts we've uncovered all point to a thick low-lying pink fog that is unnaturally fast, seeming to move willfully and by its own cognition.

Muggles give us a number of hints in their descriptions of the phenomenon. They describe the fog as being thick and opaque, but only covering a small patch of ground. The local muggles say that it consumes the flesh of its prey, but leaves the bones behind. They also tell us something by their inability to report incidents where they witnessed an attack. This all describes the appearance, behavior, and tactics of a lethifold.

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What's bizarre is that this lethifold is described as pink and fluffy. The current theory is that the lethifold is colored pink because it relies on a large diet of shrimp that live in the Tomoka River.

While most entries on this list of magical creatures and ghosts that have perplexed and confounded muggles are lighthearted, not dangerous, or something a capable witch or wizard can handle, this lethifold is NOT. It is strongly encouraged that you do not approach or attempt to capture or attack this creature as it is considered highly dangerous and rated XXXXX by the Ministry of Magic of the United Kingdom and Ireland. If you ever do find yourself confronted by a lethifold, the absolute best way to defend yourself is to flee.

Disapparate immediately. If you are not able to disapparate, then the only spell known to hurt a lethifold is the Patronus Charm.

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PROFESSORS’ COCKTAIL HOUR: GREAT HALL, GREAT TIME! By: u/caitatoes

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CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER It’s almost time for the students to leave Hogwarts once again: the end of the year feast is fast approaching, classes are wrapping up, tests are being taken. A sense of frantic excitement has descended upon the student body as it does every year, but what the students can’t see is the same excitement in the teachers. In lounges and offices across the castle the professors are coming up with their own end of year plans, culminating in the famous (to the professors, anyway) Post Feast Cocktail Hour!

Every year the professors gather after all the students have been shepherded home to partake in one of Hogwarts’ most treasured traditions, perhaps even more treasured than the annual Room of Requirement Hunt, where the professors try to see what the most ridiculous or elaborate room the Room of Requirement will make is. The professors themselves do not advertise the existence of the Cocktail Hour, and the only reason I can provide you with the recipes contained within this article is because of one particularly loquacious Potions professor whose name rhymes with PlugBorn.

After the students leave and all grading has been completed, the Great Hall is transformed into a professor’s party hotspot!

Minerva McGonagall starts out strong with a twist on a classic Tequila Sunrise, made colorful with some hibiscus flowers enchanted to not wilt and acting as the always-crucial little umbrella.

The hills of Scotland are instantly transformed into a tropical paradise!

Cocktail: In a highball glass mix 1 oz Tequila, , 1 oz Peach Schnapps, and fill with orange juice. Add ½ oz Grenadine for a layered effect, and add your hibiscus flower garnish.

If you’re not drinking alcohol, try instead: Peach juice, orange juice, and a splash of grenadine. Don’t forget your hibiscus!

Complimentary potion: Professor McGonagall has decided to pair these drinks with a less potent version of Felix Felicis (with the guidance of Horace Slughorn to make sure the mixture was safe). A drop will make you more confident and talkative, but not too foolish (yet!)

Ravenclaw is up next, and this one is a doozy. Filius Flitwick has gone all out with this year’s contribution, and it glitters now too!

Cocktail: In a rocks glass mix 1 oz Blue Curaçao, 1 oz peach schnapps, 1 oz Malibu rum, and 1 oz Limoncello. Sprinkle edible luster powder in for a good, good time.

This drink is not for the faint of heart!

If that’s too much, you can also try: Blue fruit punch, coconut cream,a dash of lime, soda water, and a cornflower garnish. Mix well and enjoy!

Complimentary potion: Professor Flitwick decided to pair this up with Draught of Peace, a soothing pairing (done as a shot!) for the over-thetop cocktail and one that is sure to be enjoyed by all.

Hufflepuff calms us some more with Pomona Sprout’s preferred aftergardening drink, a cool Julep. Simple, understated, and just what the doctor ordered (but really, Madame Pomfrey would like to remind everyone to drink some water!)

Cocktail: In a rocks glass mix 2 oz whiskey, ¼ oz mint simple syrup, and add ice until it’s full (or, for a more sparking variety, leave out the simple syrup and ice and fill with prosecco and muddle in some mint leaves), and add a bright yellow calendula garnish.

For an equally refreshing option, you can mix lime juice, your mint simple syrup, rum extract, and club soda. Mint and bubbles after a long day of work, and a long semester of teaching? Yes please!

Complimentary potion: Professor Sprout decided to forego the potion and instead supplied all the ingredients she could for the potions and drinks from her greenhouses! You can taste her passion in all of the beautifully mixed beverages.

blackberry mint simple syrup, with a blackberry and mint garnish. A perfect drink for a candle-lit castle!

For a lighter note to end the evening on, you can mix your blackberry mint simple syrup with club soda or blackberry ginger ale – soothing for the stomach and the mind.

Slughorn’s complimentary potion is a masterfully crafted Amortentia potion – only for smelling, not for drinking, he reminds everyone! The specialized smells are sure to scintillate the senses.

(And if they were to drink it, his hosts would find the potion to be watered down once more – Slughorn is jolly, but not foolish.)

There is also one special drink left for right before bed – no substitutions allowed, and as hallowed as anything else that happens at this end-of-year party (that is to say, not actually that hallowed at all, but still, it’s a sticking point for some of the professors). The Hogwarts Cocktail is fairly simple to make, and floral and summery too.

Cocktail: In a rocks glass mix 1 ½ oz violet liqueur, 1 ½ oz gin, fill up with elderflower soda, and add a violet garnish.

No potion is added to this either, although Professors Slughorn and Flitwick tried desperately to convince the others to add one in this year. But some traditions are best left traditional!

After all the food is eaten and all the drinks are drunk, the teachers come together one last time to sing the Hogwarts School Song. Everyone is cheerful, and just a little bit drunk, and somewhere in a dark corner I can hear someone snoring. It was a success all round!

Slytherin’s drink brings us all back down into the soothing darkness again, and is done with such finesse by Horace Slughorn. This champion drinker knows just how to make a party more intimate at the end of a long night.

Cocktail: In a highball glass mix 2 oz Bacardi rum, 1 oz blackberry liqueur, 3 oz 157

Niche Types of Cauldrons

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Whether you knew it or not, that one tricky problem you encountered could have been solved with a cauldron! Many witches and wizards know about the main cauldrons like pewter, copper, brass, gold, collapsible, and self-stirring. However, these are not the only cauldrons wizardkind has invented. To better understand some of the more niche types of cauldron, we at the Quibbler have put together this small guide. The four cauldrons we will be discussing today are the Water-proof Cauldron, the Cheese Cauldron, the Self-Cleaning Cauldron, and the Hopping Cauldron.

The Water-proof cauldrons are a special type of cauldron designed by Wesley Weissman who lives in London. Tired of having his outdoor potions ruined by the rain, Mr. Weissman forged his own cauldron out of bronze and imbued it with phoenix feathers to keep the rain out of his potions. Ecstatic at his newest invention, Mr. Weissman rushed to throw a large block party featuring Weissman's Water-proof Cauldron and making weather-sensitive potions such as the Draught of Broomless Flight and the Frizzless Hair Potion. Unfortunately, the day that Mr. Weissman chose to show off his cauldron's rain-proof capabilities was the sunniest day all winter and bordered on summer temperatures with barely a cloud in the sky and no wind to speak of.

This situation became even more uncomfortable when one o Mr. Weissman's neighbors asked him why he did not simply cast an Impervious Charm on his original and rather ordinary pewter cauldron.

Feeling, we strongly suspect, rather rebellious, Mr. Weissman applied for a patent on his new cauldron the very next day. Due to it being a slow week in cauldron patents, Mr. Weissman was able to begin marketing hisnew cauldron only six days after requesting the patent. Although the Weissman's Water-proof Cauldron had a great start to its climb 158

to fame, its sales became stunted once witches and wizards realized that it was possible to achieve the same result without the hefty thirty galleon price Mr. Weissman's cauldrons came with. Still, if you are ever in need of a strong and sturdy outdoor cauldron, you can't find any better than Weissman's Water-proof Cauldron.

The Cheese cauldron was another niche cauldron that baffled a small number of witches and wizards but never really took off in popular potions society. Created in the mid sixteenth century,

by Humphrey Belcher, the cheese cauldron was originally designed to add a little flavor and richness to any potable, meal-based potions and stews that were made in it. Sadly, the end result of any hotbrew concoction in the patented Cheese Cauldron resulted in a large, gooey mess that even Mrs. Scour's All-Purpose Mess Remover had to work hard to clean up. Sadly, I speak from experience as I, as a novice potion maker, once made the mistake of attempting a Gelatinous Green Giant Potion and, when the cauldron inevitably melted away, was left to wade through a large pool of green and stringy goo. Although a potentially game-changing invention, the Cheese Cauldron will have to remain on the shelves of potion makers unless the desired result of a potion is two to three hours of solid scrubbing along with whatever side effects arise from being drenched in your half-finished potion.

The cauldron that may have resulted directly from contact with the infamous Cheese Cauldron is the Self-Cleaning Cauldron. Believe it or not, there once existed a time when cauldrons did not wipe themselves clean after you gave them a little tap with your wand. Of course, these cauldrons came with their own set of problems. For example, if a witch or wizard was in the middle of brewing

INSERT QUIBBLER a particularly difficult potion like the Polyjuice Potion, which takes over a month to make, and accidentally taps their cauldron the wrong way and mutters something that sounds close enough to the cleaning incantation, all of their hard work will have vanished into thin air. They will be left with nothing but a sparkling clean cauldron and a smoking piles of tinder where their fire once sat. However, if you're not the clumsy type and hate cleaning up after you have completed and moved your potion into an appropriate-sized set of vials, the SelfCleaning Cauldron could be the one for you!

In the rare instance that you come across a potion whose direction dictate to "vigorously shake throughout the process", you will most certainly be in need of a Hopping Cauldron. Rather rare, this type of cauldron was created specifically with this kind of tricky instruction in mind. The creator of this cauldron, Kurt Kippling, was also the creator of the Bull Frog Burping Potion. He found that shaking the potion throughout the process was the only way to complete his very special invention. As it is very difficult to add ingredients to a hopping and sloshing cauldron, the Hopping Cauldron comes with a sealing lid and stabilizing syphons which the discerning potion maker can tip ingredients into without losing a drop, wing, or crumb to the fire. Transportation of the Hopping Cauldron is obviously very difficult due to its rambunctious nature so Mr. Kippling advises all who buy his fantastic cauldron to set up a case with no gravity to store the cauldron in. Cases like these are also interestingly made by Mr. Kippling as Fearless Sealed Containment CasesTM. These four cauldrons are just a few examples of how specialized cauldrons can make or break your potions.

Of course, there are more than just these four cauldrons out there. So go out to your local Potionmakers Monthly Meeting to find out about the large variety of cauldron types, the various ways they can benefit you as a potion maker, and you might even pick up a few tips that make special, troublesome cauldrons such as the Cheese Cauldron easier to use! I have even heard rumors of a set of Cold-Brew Potions which could turn the market on its head! In any case, although you might cling to your standard pewter cauldron, you might benefit from stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying to brew your potions in a specialized cauldron. Best of luck to all of you potion makers out there!

Yours in Brewing, Adeline Ampere 159

Hufflepuff’s All Vegetarian Summer Earthy Menu It’s no secret that Hufflepuffs love baking, gardening, all types of food and animals... Yes, even snakes! (What’s up, Slytherin?!)

For this Summer, we wanted to create a fun menu to honour what our House is known for best while also keeping in mind that not everyone is known for being patient as us. So we created an easy and not-time consuming vegetarian menu!

Three simple items that you can prepare in just under one hour!

For appetizer, we have a Mushroom, Pepper and Spinach filled puff pastry. The main course is a Mushroom Peanut Larb and the dessert… Brown Butter Chocolate Cookies!

The best part of this menu is that both appetizer and main course roughly have the same cooking process and similar ingredients! It’s inexpensive and you can also use the same cooking pan for both! Saves you money and time!

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CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER

Appetizer: Mushroom, Pepper and Spinach filled Puff Pastry Ingredients • 220g of White Mushrooms • 440g of Raw Spinach • ½ Bell Pepper • 1 Sheet of Puff Pastry • 1 Egg (for egg wash) • Aleppo Chili flakes (or any other chili), garlic, ginger and salt for seasoning • Olive Oil • Sesame Seeds (for decor) • Kosher salt • ⅓ of Cabbage or Iceberg lettuce

Instructions 1. Preheat the oven to 400 F. 2. Using a large skillet pan, add 3 tbsp of olive oil until shimmering.

Add 220g of chopped white mushrooms and let it brown (do not mix the mushrooms or add any salt!).

3. After 7 minutes the mushrooms should be golden brown. At this point, add the spinach and half of a bell pepper finely chopped.

Add your spices (chili flakes, garlic, ginger and salt) to taste. Let it cook until all of the spinach have significantly decreased in size and lost some water. Set the filling aside until cool.

4. Open the puff pastry sheet using a rolling pin and add the filling. (Image 1) You can cut the dough into sections to make a braid or you can just close it as you wish. Add the egg wash and sprinkle some sesame seeds for decoration. (Image 2) Bake for 12 to 16 minutes until golden brown. (Image 3)

Main Course: Spicy Mushroom Peanut Larb Ingredients

Instructions • ⅓ of Roasted Peanuts (with skin, 1. Chop the roasted if you can find them!) peanuts and set it aside.

• 350g of White Mushrooms (for the sake of this menu, we are using the same type of mushroom for both appetizer and main course, but if you can, you are welcome to use any other type of mushroom you desire! Shiitake mushrooms also go really well with this recipe) • ⅕ of Fresno Chili (any type of red chili works fine!) thin sliced • 1 Shallot • 3 Scallions • 3 Garlic Cloves • Ginger • Mint leaves • Kosher salt • ⅓ of Cabbage or Iceberg lettuce

2. As we did with the appetizer, add 3 tbsp of olive oil to a large skillet and wait until it starts shimmering. Add 350g of chopped white mushrooms and let it brown, again, do not mix them or salt them. After 7-9 minutes the mushrooms should be golden brown.

3. Once they have browned, start tossing and mixing them to avoid them to burn. Add scallions (finely chopped), garlic (finely chopped) and ginger (also finely chopped). Let it cook for about 3 minutes.

4. Remove it from heat and add salt, to taste.

Mix in the shallots (finely chopped), chili, mint leaves and half of the peanuts. Add more seasoning, if needed.

5. Transfer it to a bowl and serve it with sliced cabbage or lettuce. Add the remaining peanuts at serve. (Image 1)

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Dessert: Brown Butter Chocolate Cookies Ingredients • • • • • • • • • •

200g of Flour 4g of Kosher Salt 4g of Baking Soda 169g of Unsalted butter 200g of Dark Brown Sugar 50g of Granulated Sugar 1 Egg 2 Egg Yolks 2 tbsp of Vanilla extract 170 g Dark Chocolate (This recipe is for chocolate bars >70% but you can also use chocolate chip cookies)

Instructions 1. Add the flour, salt and baking soda to a bowl, whisk it well and set it aside.

2. To brown the butter, add 113g of the butter to a large pan over medium heat, swirling often using a heat proof spatula to make sure the butter won’t burn. When the butter starts to foam and brown, remove it from heat and transfer it to another bowl. Let it cool for about a minute. (Image 1) 3. Cut the remaining butter into small pieces and add it to the browned butter. Make sure the mixture isn’t too hard, it should melt the butter but no longer foam.

Once all the butter has melted, add both brown and granulated sugar. Whisk it until no lumps remain. (Image 2) 4. Add egg and egg yolks, whisk well until smooth looking. Add vanilla, whisk well.

5. Add the dry ingredients by folding them into the mixture, do it until all the dry ingredients are fully incorporated.

Coarsely chop the chocolate and fold it into the mixture. Let it rest for 10 minutes.

6. Using a spoon or a scoop, divide your cookies between 2 parchment-lined baking sheets.

Bake the cookies, rotating sheets if browning unevenly, until golden brown, it should take between 8 to 10 minutes. Let it cool before serving it. (Image 3)

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SPORTS QUIBBLER APO: So Roderick, tell us about that day. Tell us about that three and a half seconds in heaven. How did the fastest snitch catch in history go down?

opportunity. Never hurt anyone as far as I can remember.

APO: Yes?

Rod: Not in the slightest! A quidditch game is something you can feel! I'm not worried at all about spotting the cheaters, protecting the keepers, chastising beaters, chasing chasers, or peeking at seekers. My eyes are as top notch as they’ve ever been! I saw your broom approaching my house from the south at a mile out!

Rod: Well, I was on my broom...

Rod: I heard the whistle...

APO: Yes?

Rod: I kicked off...

APO: Yes?

Rod: I rose up and looked around...

APO: Yes?

Rod: Whap, bam, buoy I had it!

APO: But how did you catch it?

Rod: You know it was like magic. It was like I had ESPN. APO: But what happened?

Rod: You know I kinda grabbed it.

APO: Rod, there have been allegations that you didn't make the catch knowingly. That it was an accident. What do you have to say to that?

Rod: Oh I've dealt with these accusations for years. People are just jealous of my 3 and 1/2 seconds of glory. No one's ever going to beat it so now they're looking for ways to undermine me. Did Galvin gudgeon put you up to this? He'll never catch up he's not even close. Chudley cannons will never end a game on their terms in under twenty minutes. It's ludicrous.

APO: Let's move on. What can you tell us about accepting the position at Hogwarts to replace Madam Rolanda Hooch as Flying instructor, Quidditch Referee and Quidditch Coach. What do you have to say to parents about how you'll be teaching?

Rod: Don't worry, I've been practicing my Arresto Momentum and Spongify. But mostly they'll be fine. A good fall is a great learning

APO: Are you worried about still flying and seeing well at 130 years old?

(It should be noted that I Apparated to Roderick's front door) APO: Right, well, what changes do you have planned?

Rod: Oh, loads! We're going to have at least two quaffles in games and seekers will only be allowed their left hands! Kids today are soft from never falling off brooms. In my day we learned to bounce! Well most of us. We had to hike uphill to the pitch both ways! No one babysat us! If we broke an arm, our mothers would mess up the Episkey charm on purpose!

We knew respect, seeAPO: Thanks Rod, you've really opened our eyes on what to expect from you. You've clearly established a firm plan to get Hogwarts quidditch ship shape.

We look forward to another season of excellent Hogwarts quidditch. But before I go, who do you like for the June World Cup? Rod: Obviously Germany is the favorite. They have the discipline and experience going into the game. I’ll be rooting for the Nigerian team.

I love their raw talent. Mbappe is shaping up to be the seeker of the century. He’s only 16, but to already be at the center of the world cup is a massive accomplishment.

After the game, I’m sure the Lagos Limaxes and the Tchamba Charmers will be fighting to sign him. I think he’ll stay local with the Limaxes and dominate the All-Africa Cup.

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By Russianvlogger33 Recently riots broke out in Montrose when the Montrose Magpies had a match against Chudley Cannons.

The riots broke out after Montrose Magpies keeper Arnott Maxwell hogged the quaffle and put it on his broom, he proceeded to sit on the quaffle preventing the game from progressing and shouted at the crowd in the stadium's seating area saying “I'm a hen and I am laying an egg”.

The Magpies’ fans laughed at Maxwell's humour but the Chudley Cannons’ fans got very angry and started shouting back saying “Continue the game!”. When Maxwell refused to release the quaffle Cannons chaser Lincoln Pyneworthe got very annoyed and flew up to Arnott Maxwell and started wrestling the quaffle away from him so the game could resume.

Magpie fans chanted “Don’t abuse the hen!” as the fight continued in the air while referee Ryan Brooks finally intervened and stopped the fight. He decided to give no yellow or red cards to Lincoln Pyneworthe or Arnott Maxwell but did give a warning to each player.

Chudley Cannons fans became angry due to the lack of punishment for the Magpies’ player and threw butterbeer cups at the pitch trying to hit the Magpies’ players, all except one of the objects missed however, it did not actually harm the player.

Once the game was over with the Cannons losing the game, some Chudley Cannons’ fans started rioting by casting a range of spells at the stadium, opposition fans and players. Many of the remaining Magpies’ fans reacted to this attack both with their own spells and with physical violence. Chudley Cannons’ fans proceeded to run away and instead cause damage in the muggle areas of the town, with muggle citizens being confused what the riot is about. The Quibbler editor for this article received the opportunity to interview a muggle about the riot before Ministry approved Obliviators moved in: Editor: So you were swimming at the beach and you saw riots breaking out, right?

Muggle: Aye lad, Y'know those ruddy rioters started using weird words like Gidditch and stuff like that, isn't that some word from Harry Potter? Jesus Christ, Harry Potter fans are really obsessed with the books that they fight over this like it’s real, I mean it’s insane.

There are rumours that a group of dementors not affiliated with the British Ministry of Magic appeared during the riots and possibly gave the Dementor's Kiss to at least one of the rioters however this is unconfirmed at this time. The Ministry quickly cleared up and removed all evidence of the riots including wiping any memory of the event from nearby muggles.

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"We weren't even sure that we would make it past the qualifying round."

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QUIBBLER HOROSCOPES

HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

The Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm is hiring for their first annual summer carnival. Send an owl to the management by no later than the first of June with a list of all your previous job experience (the Muggles call this a “résumé”). You’ll find yourself being asked in for an interview before the week’s out. Wear blue and charm the interviewer and you’ll be hired on the spot.

Beware the Muggle antique shop you visit to find a gift for your mother. The tea set you’ll consider buying her was sold to the shop by a mad witch who enchanted it to squirt boiling tea at anyone who uses the kettle.

You will encounter Xenophilius Lovegood in the Hog’s Head in Hogsmeade in late June.

If you buy him a Firewhiskey, he’ll take you back to his house to show you where he used to print The Quibbler. Don’t mention how great a job his successor Madam Starflash has been doing, and whatever you do, don’t ask him about his ban from the new Quibbler Castle.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE

GEMINI THE VEELA (MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

Your summer garden will wilt in the heat.

Head down to Diagon Alley’s newest shop, Abbott-Longbottom’s Herbology Center, right (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH) next to Mulpepper’s Apothecary. Get yourself Summer love is in the air! The wonderful a pop-up weather-resistant greenhouse tent to person you met at the Leaky Cauldron last surround it. Be sure to use extra dragon-dung night is interested in getting together with you fertilizer on the eggplant. for a date. You’ll need to utilize the personals section of The Quibbler to find them, but it’ll be well worth the advertisement price. Which CANCER we’ve doubled.

THE FIRECRAB

PISCES THE MERMAN

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

Your Muggle neighbor’s new dog is actually a Crup, and will behave very poorly for them, (FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH) even going so far as to attack their toddler if left unchecked. Offer to train the “dog”, The Museum of Magical History the Mintake her to your sister’s house and leave her istry is preparing needs magical artefacts! there. Pretend she ran away and give them a Root through your grandmother’s attic (with homemade boysenberry pie as a consolation. permission, of course) and take as many They’ll be safe, and your sister’s garden will things as you can find over to the building site be gnome-free. in London. They’ll pay you handsomely. Be sure you take your grandmother out to a nice dinner to say thanks!

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF (MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH) Avoid St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries by staying off your broom during the summer hailstorm that’s happening next weekend. No Quidditch match is worth the concussion, broken tooth, cracked rib, and arm you’ll have to have regrown.

Your stay in the hospital will last weeks and you will miss the summer carnival you plan on attending at the Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm.

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LEO THE SPHINX

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND) Head to the small shopping center in Dorset on the third Tuesday in July for a special treat.

Newt Scamander and his wife Porpentina will be grocery shopping in the market. Newt is a kind soul and will happily autograph your copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

LIBRA THE DRAGON (SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND) Palm trees and white sand call your name.

Head out to Cancun in August and enjoy a nice, relaxing holiday on the beach. Just be sure to bring extra sunblock to rub on your nose, and wear full wizard’s robes and your pointed hat at all times.

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) Your magical sunblock brewing business will never get off the ground if you don’t purchase a new cauldron immediately. The one you are using has a pin-sized hole in it and the bottom does not meet regulation thickness. Head to Potage’s Cauldron Shop on June seventeenth for the buy one, get one half price sale. Treat your mother to a 50 Galleon solid-gold cauldron and get your much-needed pewter one for 5 Galleons, a bargain!

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR (NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST) It’s the grand reopening of Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor (under new management) in Diagon Alley on July first! Go early to get yourself a free sundae from new owner Anthony Goldstein himself. Use the secret phrase (“chopped nuts”) to get into the exclusive VIP section and enjoy a tour of the newly expanded kitchen, run entirely by paid house-elves.

CLASSIFIEDS QUIBBLER hat? If you can answer these three questions and more, I would be delighted to meet with you at the bar in the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade next weekend. I will be carrying The Life And Times of Merlin and sipping hot chocolate from a Slytherin mug. If you are not this person, don't bother showing up as I will not be buying you anything. See you there at 10AM sharp.

Business & Offers Security Trolls for Rent Offering top tier mountain troll guards for your posessions. Trolls have graduated from a rigorous 3 month training program in which they learned to identify clients and potential threats, use large ironbound clubs, and understand up to 5 commands (sit, lay down, play dead, attack and ""No, No! Dear God, stop."").

Cost is 4 galleons/day for a single troll, 7 galleons for two trolls, and 10 galleons for three trolls.

Simply contact Troll Trainings and Security Co. by owl with all relevant details. TTS Co. Is not responsible for maimings, deaths, damage or loss of property."

Achoo! There's always that one person on the Knight Bus that simply refuses to cover their mouth or nose when they sneeze! It's absolutely awful! Every time I hear or see or, Merlin-forbid, feel it happen, I just know that I will be sick with the Flea Flu or whatever awful malady they've brought with them within the hour. Beyond boiling all of these inconsiderate people into the most disgusting stew, what can we poor, laymen do? Get yourself a Cocooner!

The Cocooner, sold exclusively by Wellness Worms, can instantly cocoon anyone in a five foot radius who is deemed a wellness threat. The cocoon is made of dragonfriendly material and can withstand most elements. This cocoon will give you the time to vacate yourself from the blast radius and will protect you from the germs so long as that person is cocooned! The Cocoon mechanism is easy to install and painless to use! Each new order of Cocoon comes with a FREE (that's right, FREE), set of liquid silk refills! Get your free Cocoon trial today by owl order.

Monthly subscriptions of liquid silk refills are only 5 galleons! That's a discount of 75%! Hurry and order today while supplies last!

For Sale "One (1) limited edition chocolate frog card for sale!

Card is still in its wrapper and in very good condition!

Painting's occupant is not visibly rude or annoyed! The flavor of the chocolate frog was raspberry so the flavor of this very special, limited edition chocolate frog card is also raspberry! Painting's occupant, Tilly Toke sometimes even cracks jokes! This is one of the most entertaining chocolate frog cards I've read in a while. The price for this marvelous chocolate frog card stands at five (5) galleons. Please send an owl as early as tomorrow if you are interested! This is a really good deal so I wouldn't wait if I were you!

Note: Chocolate frog is not included in the sale as I have already eaten it."

FOR SALE: Sacks of quality dragon dung. 500G per sack. Available for shipping if required. Quality dung from many species of dragon that are being recuperated on Fairweather Farmstead. Owl Lucy Fairweather for more info.

Are you interested in the night sky? Does the prospect of flying a broomstick to the Moon inspire your days and fill your dreams at night? A lunascope might be exactly what you're looking for! A fantastic gadget with the ability to fully explain the moon's position, velocity, and the meaning behind it, the lunascope is perfect for the amateur and advanced moon-gazer! Only gently used, I am willing to part with mine for twelve galleons. What a steal! This is a great bargain for something which will entertain and enlighten you for a lifetime! Don't wait but send me your owl today with a form of interest and, if your owl arrives first, you will receive a time and place to bring your galleons and receive your new lunascope! Let the race begin!

TEXTBOOK FOR SALE: Advanced Potion-Making by Libatius Borage. Latest edition. Page corners are slightly worn down, no writing in textbook, overall condition very good. Asking for 12 Sickles. Send an owl to the Hogwarts

Help Wanted Student Marketplace for more details.

"Wanted: Help Curse-breaking On April Fool's Day, my house was egged for the first time. After vanishing the mess, I thought I would be done with it, but every day since my house has been egged. I believe someone enchanted eggs to bombard my house.

I've tried making my house impervius and looking for the source of the eggs with no luck. Please someone help. I'm offering 10 Sickles to whoever stops this egg curse! Submit serious inquiries only to Janice Falloughs by owl post."

"Newly single wizard seeks someone proficient in enlarging spells.

No, no. It's not what you think. I want *all* of me enlarged. ...It's a long story. If you can help, please contact The Leaky Cauldron and ask for ""the tiny divorcee""."

Looking for experienced house elf for three-person house in an up and coming neighborhood. We are willing to pay 1 galleon a week and allow for one day off every two weeks if you wish to work for us as a free elf. You must be good with kneazles and willing to cook gluten-free meals as we suspect that our kneazle and youngest family member may have a gluten allergy. Please stop by our house on the 12th of August with your resume and a gluten-free meal of your choice. Please come prepared as you will also be asked to do laundry and the dishes. Bonus points if you tell our little one a story that puts them to bed. We look forward to meeting you!

Good morning readers. I come to you from a dusty road in Yorkshire with a request for help. Since my kids moved out, it's been a little lonelier than I anticipated and I haven't really got neighbors. I would like to offer ten sickles per week for someone in need of pocket money if they could help out around the house. Things that need to be taken care of include feeding the fire crabs, degnoming the garden, rehousing the doxies, watering the flutterby bushes, playing with the kneazle, cleaning the attic, and calming the poltergeist. If these sound like tasks you would be interested in performing, please stop by in person with your resume handy. My address is 1452 Wolston Way, Yorkshire. Thank you and we'll see you soon!

Lost & Found Hello! I am looking for a gently worn toy broomstick that was last seen on one of the center benches in front of Eyelop's Owl Emporium in Diagon Alley. My mom and dad let me play with it while they were looking at owls for my brother who is going to Hogwarts this September! They say that he's going to be a great potions master one day but I think he just wants to play with puffskeins for the rest of his life. We have two puffskeins at home and they are best friends! I know this because they are named Marvin and Harold. Anything named those names are just bound to be best friends! My brother says that he wants to be a Hufflepuff but I think he's too lazy. Anyway, I want to be a Slytherin and play quidditch so could you send me my toy broomstick so I can practice? Thank you! Go snakes!!!

Did you lose your Chudley Cannon's hat in an ice cream parlor last May? Do you know someone who has? Can you tell me what modifications have been made to this

Lost: One large manila envelope with approximately twelve-hundred pages of parchment.

The cover sheet is written in color-changing ink and the font is a form of calligraphy that seems to shift slightly when you look at it. If you can make out the title at all, it should be called "Animagus: The Chameleons Among Us". I've been working on this manuscript for a little over a year and am willing to offer a reward of ten galleons to the person who returns it to me. I last saw it in its envelope last Thursday afternoon outside of Weasley Wizard Wheezes when I stopped to gape at their sign advertising their latest burping malady. Thank you in advance for your help!

Missed Connections My mother fought in the war of Hogwarts almost two decades ago and she says that in the midst of it all, when beams of death were flying past without so much as a warning, great humanity was found everywhere. Parents were calling out for their children, friends were fighting to keep each other safe, and estranged family was brought together among other beautiful things. Most impressive of all, she said, was the kindness often dealt from one stranger to another. There is a man who, she says, saved her life as she weaved to and fro amid screams and rubble.

She says that all she can remember is a great rumbling from above, more screaming, and then a body ramming into her, propelling her away from a large and heavy boulder which lay where she had been seconds earlier. She says that he asked if she was okay and then went on his way. His hair was light and his eyes warm. Beyond that, she says that he was wearing plaid that day. I know it's a long shot but if anyone knows who this might have been, she would love to say thank you. Honestly, I would too.

real estate Looking for someone to rent my place from September 1st through January 31st whilst I am out for.... business.

Rent is 5 galleons a month, you must be okay with a noisy neighbour. Please send all further inquiries to Isa Ioa The Cardamum Condos are currently available for lease. A new and modernized collection of stylish living spaces, the condos vary in size with anywhere from one to twelve bedrooms and one to fifteen bathrooms. Each unit comes with a kitchen, living room, and fireplace. Any "extra" rooms can be converted into various styles of entertainment rooms. Each unit is allotted two parking spots for any muggle vehicles or flying carpets you have acquired over the years. Any broomsticks should be kept in the unit's broom closet and are not allowed to be scattered across any lawn to keep in accordance with safety regulations. Floo Network connectivity is not provided and must be taken care of at the owner's personal expense. Rates start at five thousand galleons per unit but financial situations can be taken into account and the price negotiated. Pets ranging from rats, toads, cats, and owls are allowed but the community draws the line at dragons. If you intend to keep your dragon in your condo, please contact us with the special precautions you intend to take and be prepared to sign a contract detailing that you are willing to cover any damages our dragon may incur while staying at this property. Please owl us for an opportunity to attend our open house. We look forward to hearing from you!

Friendly, organized one bedroom, one bathroom guest house is available for lease. Located in a central part of London, this guest house is only a short walk away from Diagon Alley and The Leaky Cauldron. The muggle underground is only two blocks away if you wish to venture into Muggle London but the Knight Bus is also available should you need a lift anywhere. The Ministry of Magic and St. Mungo's are five blocks north of this cozy home and easily reachable even if you are vomiting slugs.

Please send in your owl with your housing history and we can set up an open house for you within the week. Prices can start as low as 500 galleons per month.

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AUROR LOGS QUIBBLER

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that this season, incidents were few and far in between, however were very grave. Remember to stay ever vigilant and to treat fellow Muggles with compassion.

MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL: ◊ JUNE 5 7:09PM- Domestic disturbance reported in Diagon Alley. MLE Squad apprehended and detained two wizards and are in custody. ◊ JUNE 7 12:00PM- Shoplifting reported in Diagon Alley. Witch apprehended in Madam Malkins with stolen goods from several shops. ◊ JUNE 10 9:00 PM - Shipment of special WWW fireworks lost in transit. MLE suspect foul play. ◊ JULY 30 10:09 PM - Wizard assassin was finally captured by MLE squad as he attempted to assassinate a muggle government leader. It is suspected this wizard is responsible for the deaths of over 15 world government officials.

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES: ◊ JUNE 1 5:05PM - Polyjuice potion recalled after reports of animal hair contamination cause the takers to turn into cats. Lab this potion originated from is being reviewed and fined.

◊ JULY 20 8:00PM - DIagon Alley bar shut down after several reports of underage drinking. Owner is currently in MLE custody under investigation. ◊ JULY 31 9:00PM - Harry Potter birthday festivities in Diagon Alley end in several altercations after miscreants dosed drinks with Anger potion. Mr. Potter did not attend the festivities.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC: ◊ JUNE 10 5:09PM - Wizard apprehended after wreaking havoc in muggle beach. Transfigured into shark and snapped at swimmers. In MLE custody. ◊ JUNE 20 7:09PM - Copycat wizard transfigured into underwater monster and scared tourists in loch ness.

Currently in MLE custody. ◊ JULY 4 6:59PM - Missing WWW fireworks are located in muggle communities. Sting operation revealed that a group against the statute of secrecy planned to fire off the fireworks and reveal magic to muggles.

Main leaders in custody and all fireworks safely back in MLE hands.

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES: ◊ JUNE 20 5:00 PM - Crossbreeder found to be attempting to breed kelpies and dragons with no permit. All operations stopped and breeder has lost his license. ◊ JUNE 30 7:09 PM - Reports of new unicorn herd in a nearby muggle community has magizoologists befuddled. This herd is currently under surveillance. ◊ JULY 29 10:08 PM - Investigation of trafficking of bowtruckles continues. This is causing issues with the wand making community as prices of wand wood has been artificially increasing.

DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES ◊ Carry on carry on. NOthing to see here. Avert your eyes. ◊ Hey Quibbler readers, I bet you'll never read this. so I can make as many typos as I want. ◊ The world doesn't deserve dogs.

They are too good to us. Woof Woof. ◊ Secret secret. I got a secret. Domo arigato, Mr. Robot.

GICAL LAW MA E

DI

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that keep our world safe.

N

M

E

OF

EMENT * RC FO N

EPARTME * D NT

◊ JULY 5 1:00AM - 10 wizards apprehended riding brooms under the

influence. Currently in MLE custody.

A D I VISI

O

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