The Quibbler Spring 2019

IN MEMORIAM This issue of The Quibbler is dedicated to one of our own editors. We knew him as ElphabaPfenix.

Sometimes one just cannot produce a powerful enough Patronus to deal with the Dementors alone. Please join us as we raise our wands for Elphaba, who was a prominent member of our community. He was always up for a challenge. A Slytherin through and through (with some lovely Hufflepuff tendencies), he was beloved by so many in the /r/harrypotter community. Elphie was a Quidditch Releaser, a Quibbler-er, and a friend to all whose paths he crossed. He was kind, caring, and quick-witted, a writer, an artist, and a big old goofball.

Elphaba battled with the Dementors for as long as he could. Please remember that there is always someone willing to help you cast a Patronus. You are not alone.

We have received word from his family (who do not wish to be contacted further, for healing and privacy reasons) that one of Elphie’s favorite singers was Kristin Chenoweth, and that he was fond of her song “Borrowed Angels”. We’d like to share the lyrics to this song here.

“Borrowed Angels” by Kristin Chenoweth They shine a little brighter, they feel a little more They touch your life in ways no one has ever done before They love a little stronger, they live to give their best They make our lives so blest, so why do they go so soon?

The ones with souls so beautiful I heard someone say-There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life They come along, into this world, and make this world bright But they can't stay forever Cause they're heaven sent And sometimes, heaven needs them back again They reach a little deeper, they see what's in your soul And even when they leave you know, you'll never let them go The world's a little richer, just cause they came along Their love goes on and on, so why do they go so soon?

The ones with souls so beautiful. I heard someone say-There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life They come along, into this world, and make this world bright They can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent And sometimes, heaven needs them back again How else can you explain why they're here and not here to stay?

I believe there must be, must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life They come along, into this world, and make this world bright But they can't stay forever, cause they’re heaven sent And sometimes heaven needs them back again.

And sometimes heaven needs them back again.

Songwriters: Diane Eve Warren Borrowed Angels lyrics © Realsongs

Some of the people who knew him best would like to say a few words.

A tear For one of our own One the world lost A little too soon A rose For a star with the brightest light One that will forever illuminate The paths left behind A memory Of a heart of gold One that stopped beating But is finally free of all burden -DarkBlonde4 “Elphaba thank you for being there when I was at my worst, you were always there for us and you always checked on me after to make sure I was doing better. You were kind, funny and thoughtful. May you rest in peace, you won't be forgotten.” - FancyPanda “Elphaba- You're fantastic and I'm so happy to be in a house with you. You make Slytherin house fantastic. Thanks for being a phenomenal releaser and prefect!” - ArmyPrivateOctopus99 “Elphaba, You were one of the best sneks and I loved getting to stalk you for quidditch. The Dungeons won't be the same without you, but we will never forget you or the joy that you brought to so many.” -VG “I will miss him. He was very sweet and made me feel welcome and right at home as a newbie Slytherin. I feel as though we’ve lost a true friend, and a special person.” - MakeupDoofus “He talked me off a ledge. I wish I could have done the same for him. Wands up. I will miss you.”

-Anon “Elphaba – As you knew, I’m not a religious or spiritual person… in the days since you’re passing I’ve had a really hard time with missing you…and in those days since, another Snake and I have exchanged stories explaining we’ve had some really exceptional, science-defying luck and I knew instantly that despite all my beliefs (or lack thereof), that luck was you; you’re here even when you’re not because that’s just who you were. You were there for everyone.

All the time. Day and night. You could cheer me up just by being around. You held our community together through thick and thin. You made drinks, you made food, you stayed up for movie nights, you stayed up to help people, you persevered through homework and challenges in ways that I could never imagine; I was constantly in awe of how such an amazing person could exist.

It’s hard to be here, knowing that you’re not but I also know you’re still here. I thought about getting a Pikachu tattoo to remember you; but after feeling your presence this week, I’ve decided to get one of a Phoenix. I always wanted to get one. For Harry Potter, for my love of mythology but this will be to honour you. To honour you in your name and the person you were; Elphaba defied gravity as will you; you have rose from the ashes into an angel watching over all of us. I hope you’re at peace now my dear friend. You will never ever be forgotten. Whatever will I do without my NorwegianSalmon cousin. <3 Love you always.” - CanadianSalmon "Elphie, thank you for every kind word you said to me, every funny comment you passed on, and every act of compassion you bestowed upon your family and friends. You made a bigger impact than you ever knew and you are dearly, deeply missed. When I first joined the Slytherin common room, I didn't know what to expect. What I

certainly wasn't ready for was the overwhelming tidal wave of excitement and welcome you bestowed upon me. I saw your energy and it sparked an undying fire for the family that is the Harry Potter community. I followed you in Quidditch, the Quibbler, and briefly into the game of Werewolves. Everywhere we went, your love for the people around you was crystal clear. Although you are gone, I have faith that something beautiful will rise from the ashes of grief you have left behind. Thank you for being you. I love you <3" - Silvertail8 “‘The Quibbler’ is one of those professional magazines where, on surface-level, everything looks neat and organised. Readers aren’t aware of what actually goes on behind the scenes and the people who really help to prop up each month’s issue. Elphaba was one of those kind folks who took a lot of time out to make sure that the articles submitted were glowing examples of what our writers can achieve with their talent. Chances are, that if you submitted an article, it went through Elphaba’s hands. I didn’t know him on a personal level but, muddling around behind the scenes, I came to recognise his name and often appreciated the effort and the hours he put in. I regret that I didn’t have the chance to personally thank him. He will be sorely missed by everyone here. My thoughts and condolences go out to Elphaba’s family and friends at this difficult time.” - mrsvanchamarch “Fudgie, I only knew you through HWW, but it was always so fun playing with you. I will miss you <3” -jilliefish Elphaba - It’s been awhile since we spoke. Our lives got busy and we went on our paths. However, I won’t forget the time when our paths were in sync and you were there for so many nights when I needed company and advice.

My favorite memories are of the countless nights we spent with others playing games and watching movies. While we never crossed paths in person, I counted you as one of my friends. I’m sorry for not being able to be there when you might have needed a quiet friend to listen to you. I hope wherever you are, you are no longer in pain. <3 Tigs You were brave, loyal, clever, and most of all cunning and resourceful. I am proud to say that we were housemates, you were one of the best of us. I hope you found the peace you were looking for <3. -BottleOfAlkahest Elphaba was a brilliant young man, full of love and kindness. He was a selfless, wonderful person that would always go out of his way to help someone in need, and not think twice about it. From the Dragon Egg challenges where I first met him to Quidditch and The Quibbler, Elphie threw 100% of himself into everything he took part in, making it fun and exciting for everyone. He wanted this community to be the very best it could be and fought to make sure that everyone felt included, felt accepted and felt loved. Elphie was (and is still) loved by everyone that knew him and the hole that has been left behind by his passing will never leave us, but will one day hopefully be filled with only the happiest of our memories of him. I hope you found peace and happiness Elphie. - IFF

Suicide Hotlines Worldwide

If you are facing life’s Dementors, please know that there are people who want to help you produce a Patronus. Here is a list of phone numbers you can call if you or someone you love needs help.

United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741 Spanish: 1-800-SUICIDA (1-800-784-2432) European Union Standard Emotional Support Number: 116 123 Australia Phone: 13 11 14 Austria Phone: 142 (Adults), 147 (Youth) Belgium Dutch Phone: 1813 French Phone: 0800 32 123 Brazil Phone: 188, effective 30/6/2018

Canada National Crisis Line (Phone): 1-833-456-4566 Kids Help (Phone): 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help (Text): “HOME” to 686868 Denmark Phone: 70 21 12 01 Fiji Lifeline Fiji (Phone): 132454 Finland Suomen Mielenterveysseura: 010 195 2020 9-7 weekdays, 15-7 weekends and holidays France Phone: 01 45 39 40 00 Germany Phone: 0800-1110111 OR 08000-1110222 Greece Phone: 1018 OR 801 801 99 99 Iceland Phone: 1717 India Phone: 91-44-2464005 0 OR 022-27546669 Iran Phone: 1480 (6a-9p all days) Ireland (Republic Of) Local Rate (Phone): 1850 60 90 90 Minicom (Phone): 1850 60 90 91 Israel Phone: 1201 Italy Telefono Amico: 199 284 284 Samaritans onlus Italia: 800 86 00 22 Japan Tokyo (JPN Phone): 3 5286 9090 Tokyo (ENG Phone): 03 5774 0992 Osaka (JPN Phone): 06 6260 4343 Korea LifeLine (Phone): 1588-9191 Suicide Prevention Hotline (Phone): 1577-0199 Malta Phone: 179 Mexico Phone: 55-5259-8121 (0900-2100 daily)

Netherlands Phone: 0900 0113 New Zealand Inside Auckland (Phone): 09 5222 999 Outside Auckland (Phone): 0800 543 354 Norway Phone: 22 40 00 40 Portugal SOS VOZ (Phone): 21 354 45 45 OR 91 280 26 69 OR 96 352 46 60 (1600-2400 daily) Telefone de Amizade (Phone): 22 832 35 35 OR 808 22 33 53 (1600-2300 daily) Romania Phone: 0800 801 200 Serbia Phone: 0800 300 303 OR 021 6623 393 Singapore Phone: 1 800 221 4444 South Africa Lifeline (Phone): 0861 322 322 Crisis Line (Phone): 0800 567 567 Sweden Phone: 901 01(0600-2400 daily) Switzerland Phone: 143 United Kingdom Samaritans: 116 126 (Phone), 07725909090 (Text) Helplines for Men: 0800 585858 (Voice), 07537404717 (Text) ChildLine (19 and under): 0800-11-11 (Voice) Uruguay Landline: 0800-84-83 (7p-11p) Cell: 095 738 483 *8483 Phone: 2400 84 83 (24/7)

Additional Resources https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head Starflashfairy Gryffindor Managing Editor -MrJNDoraTonks

k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T

Hufflepuff Managing Editor L-ily

Editor’s Desk Spring 20

Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_

Greetings, dear readers!

Slytherin Managing Editor Im_Finally_Free Production Manager KackelDackel Production Assistants elpbit Quibbler_editor forwardtotimepast Ericacotten Web-Wizard Oomps62 Archives wiksry Payroll Marx0r Art Dept Head PastelPurrfect Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows Dept Head blxckfire

Classifieds L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies Dept Head Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts Dept Head VinumCupio Education Dept Head Starboost3 Entertainment Dept Head RGCFrostbite Fashion Dept Head midnightdragon Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head Ryan814 News & Features Dept Head Rysler Sports Dept Head ElphabaPfenix Travel Dept Head mrsvanchamarch

dakeirhtnanbe

eufnaheyahdneiehen

ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

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ition of present the eleventh ed to d se ea pl am , sh fla ar I, Madam St complished toproud of all we have ac ry ve so am I ! er bl ib the Qu far. gether. We’ve come so l ks to all of my wonderfu an th t es ep de y m s es pr possible. Our I would like to ex Quibbler would not be e th u, yo t ou ith W ff. sta sive and I hope it contin ten ex ite qu is ily fam er Quibbl ues to grow. w the fact that we have no I would like to celebrate fire in the offices! It’s a gone 47 days without a , so keep up the good work se ea Pl ! rd co re e m eti lif fire g to have another set of we can avoid ever havin plenty. safety seminars. 12 was joyed creissue as much as we en is th g in ad re joy en all I hope you ibbler for more subscribe to /r/TheQu to re su Be u. yo r fo it ating Quibbler fun!

May Fortune smile upon

you!

~Madam Starflash Editor-in-Chief

Madam Starflash

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34855 APRIL 2019 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

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Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler.

Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining!

THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

19 58 64

The Archivist's Confession: A First-Hand Account of the Divination Tower Break-in We did not see this coming!

The Truth Behind April Fool's : Why We REALLY Prank Each Other It's not just a prank, bro!

The Perfect Cardigan For Your Wee Witches and Wizards

Knitting through the ages. jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd,

BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 13

Fashion..................................................... 66

Travel....................................................... 29

Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies.................... 70

Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 32

Horror-Scopes......................................... 72

Dark Arts................................................. 38

Classifieds................................................ 73

Divination................................................ 43

Auror Logs...............................................76

Entertainment. ....................................... 50

Credits. .................................................... 78

Education. ............................................... 58

STAFF:

qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnmzaqxswcdevfrbgtnhyjukiloppknvgyedslieh

Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Im_Finally_Free, L-ily, -MrJ-, NDoraTonks, Eldis_ Administration: Marx0r, Oomps62, Wiksry Layout and Design: KackelDackel, Elpbit, Ericacotten, Quibbler_Editor, Forwardtotimepast Art: Pastelpurrfect, Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows: blxckfire Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: VinumCupio Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: RGCFrostbite Fashion: MidnightDragon Magical Plants & Creatures: Ryan814 News & Features: Rysler Sports: ElphabaPfenix Travel: mrsvanchamarch Contributors: Anne_seelmann, Armyprivateoctopus99, Betbettheravenclaw , Blxckfire, Colessslaw, Criminalsquid, Drpepperslut, Eldis_, ElphabaPfenix, Emilyolivia33, Im_Finally_Free, KackelDackel, L-ily, Lemursteamer, Midnightdragon, Mokpa, Poisson8, Rhia1, RLFWriter, SinsationalDoom, Starflashfairy, Wiksry, Wyatt400, Yashwinpamecha

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Is the Secret Out?

by Rhia1

Magical Governments are rallying able and willing to aid our communities world wide to help prevent Muggles from learning about magic. It seems that bouts of rogue magic are appearing more and more frequently and the Minister for Magic, as well as other government leaders, is asking all witches and wizards to sign up for the Statute of Secrecy Task Force, or the S.O.S. But what is the S.O.S. and what does it do? Well it is a group of witches and wizards that help contain outbreaks of magic from being noticed by Muggles, as this would be very dangerous. The S.O.S. was formed in partnership between the British Ministry of Magic and the International Confederation of Wizards. Any able bodied witch or wizard can join.

What has happened so far? Well, as of right now, we only know of a Snitch was released out in the open in an unknown location and a riderless Nimbus 2000 was found in Australia. But this is rogue magic that has been released so far. As of yet, we do not know what other bits of magic may be out there, waiting for Muggles to find them.

What can I do? Sign up to join the S.O.S. at www.harrypotterwizardsunite.com/ and get all the latest updates for the Task Forceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first mission. We must not let Muggles find out magic is real or the Witch Hunts may start up again, or worse. Be warned, this is not for the faint of heart as these traces of magic are unpredictable at best. So sign up with caution If the Wizarding World is revealed, it will bring untold trouble to every witch and wizard. While parents of Muggle-borns and spouses to a witch/wizard may know about magic, not everyone is ready for such a thing. It is less than 1% of the Muggle population that knows about magic and they are sworn to secrecy, just like the magical community. The other 99% of Muggles are not ready, nor have the capacity to accept magic. This is to protect future generations of witches and wizards from a life filled with fear. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all help the Ministry and the S.O.S. protect our communities.

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Last night I received the following correspondence from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry.

OFF THIS MORTAL COIL. I DIE.

Muriel thank you for your latest correspondence. I understand that your neighbors are still bothering you. However, I am unable to assist you as they have not broken any laws nor do they post a threat to yourself or others.

I understand this is your 50th correspondence with us this month, but I am afraid that dogs barking is a matter for the muggle law enforcement if anyone. I would also suggest you speak to your local muggle council. Arthur Weasley assures me this could help.

As you can see, Lethifolds have killed him.

They have swarmed the ministry and now there is no one left to police my neighbor's dog.

This poor service will not stand. I am starting a petition to send to the Minister for Magic demanding that a if no aurors are available that a Lethifold auror be sent immediately to dispatch with my neighbors dog. Lethifolds whether they've eaten the entire Ministry or not must do their jobs.

OH NO WHATS THIS. IT IS A LETHIFOLD. HELP HELP. IT HAS ME! I CANNOT SUMMON A PATRONUS. I NEVER LEARNED HOW! HELP. HELP. DEAR GODS I DIE. I DIE AS I LIVED. I DIE AT MY DESK AND IN AGONY. HELP. DEAR LORD THE LETHIFOLD HAS ME FIRMLY. I CANNOT ESCAPE. ANY FURTHER LETTERS TO THIS ADDRESS WILL NOT GET A REPLY. OFH DAWLISH SAYS THERE ARE MORE. OH GOD THEYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;RE DEVOURING THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT, NO THE ENTIRE MINISTRY ITSELF. DO NOT BREAK THE LAW. THERE ARE AURORS STI IN HIDING TO ENFORCE THE LAW. THERE IS NO TIME TO GIVE YOU THEIR ADDRESS. THE LETHIFOLD HAS GOT ME. FAREWELL WORLD. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO SHUFFLE

Thomas Cobble

I expect that many will dismiss my account.

I do not understand why, but it is a pattern I have come to expect. However there is something to be said for LAW and ORDER and if I have to lobby the Wizengamot to get it that's what I'll do. Yes I am proposing our support for a Lethifold Minister for Magic if Minister Granger does not send someone to deal with that little dog, Toto. I simply cannot abide that yapping. I urge you to support a Lethifold in 2020.

In the meantime I thought people should know that the Ministry has fallen to Lethifolds and is probably not safe.

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QUIBBLER ARCHIVIST IN HOT WATER FOR MASS DESTRUCTION IN MADAM STARFLASH’S OFFICE!

By Danna Grant

I

n a sudden dramatic series of events, it seems that The Quibbler Archivist, Reese Wicks, will be packing her bags soon.

According to the Quibbler staff grapevine, two nights ago, she broke into Madam Starflash’s office in the Divination Tower. I persuaded the House Managing Editors to give me the whole story.

Im_Finally_Free, Slytherin Managing Editor, said, “Well, I can’t quite give you the whole story. The first thing I heard about this was at the all-staff meeting yesterday morning. It was strange, Madam Starflash calling a meeting so early.”

since the baby griffin a couple years back. She was shedding so much glitter that I couldn’t tell what she was sitting on.” I made a mental note to do a story on that griffin.

Although it was quite clear Wicks did something terrible, none of the editors I interviewed could quite tell why. According to Hufflepuff Managing Editor L-ily, “Madam Starflash kept shouting phrases, such as ‘paint’, ‘into my eyes’, and ‘tripwire’. I’m guessing that [Wicks] somehow got red paint all over her Lockhart pictures.”

When I asked for details about Madam Starflash herself, Gryffindor Managing Editor NDoraTonks said, “She did not look well.

Shaking all over. Couldn’t even hold her cup of tea.”

NDoraTonks believes that Wicks sprayed acid in Star’s eyes. “From what I remember – it’s not my fault I don’t remember, it’s the DAY BEFORE DEADLINE for Merlin’s sake! – Madam Starflash said something about ‘soaking wet.’ But that’s just speculation – wait, are you writing this down?”

Madam Starflash broke the news to an utterly shocked staffroom. “I’ve never seen Madam Starflash so angry,” Im_Finally_Free said, “not

Madam Starflash concluded the staff meeting shortly thereafter. “She got really quiet,” Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_ confided

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NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

to me. “Then she stared at all of us in that unnerving way of hers and threatened to predict a thousand and five deaths for the next person who broke into her office and broke her best teacups.”

As of this morning, Madam Starflash is still utterly distraught. Production Manager

Loyal Quibbler-ers, what is the truth? Did Wicks set up a paint trap for Madam Starflash?

Did she spray acid in Madam Starflash’s eyes?

Did she blast a hole through the ceiling of the Production Office with blood and destroy all of Madam Starflash’s personal belongings while cackling? Read on!

KackelDackel says, “Sorry, I don’t have time for an interview. Been extremely busy trying to put this magazine together, and DO NOT NEED Madam Starflash ranting and screaming directly above me!”

I also reached out this morning to Madam Starflash and Wicks in hopes of first-hand accounts. Madam Starflash responded with an unintelligible Howler that shattered my office windows. Wicks sent me a message saying, “I am giving a full statement in this issue.” I noted that she did not try to protest innocence.

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The Archivist's Confession: A First-Hand Account of the Divination Tower Break-in

By Reese Wicks

M

y name is Reese Wicks, Quibbler Archivist. Well, at least at the time of this writing. I would like to address the recent situation between Madam Starflash and myself. Below is a Memory Recording Spell transcript of what happened. I am not using this to claim innocence, but merely to clarify what went on last night. *** *** [Recording begins] This thing on? Fantastic.

spelled Lockhart shrine. There’s a cabinet in there I’ve always wanted to explore. She’s always been very secretive about what’s in there.

I do have some reservations about this. For one, Madam Starflash has been very kind to me and has only predicted my death once.

We’ve gotten along wonderfully. She even crocheted me a blanket for my office. On the other hand, that cabinet of hers is like an itch that I can’t scratch. I’ve spent several sleepless nights speculating what treasures lie inside, and my curiosity is reaching critically dangerous levels. She has said that in an emergency, it’s permissible to be in her office without permission. I don’t think it would be bending the meaning too much to call this an emergency, would it? And if I do this once, I won’t do it again. Pinky promise.

Reese Wicks here. I am The Quibbler’s Archivist. I am also rather bored and in need of an adventure, preferably one with a certain amount of risk. After much deliberation, I have decided to break I’ve convinced myself. Due to the nature of into Madam Starflash’s office. Yes, the this operation, I will begin at 7:00 PM. Divination Tower. Yes, the Editor-in-Chief ’s lair. Yes, the office with the dangerously *** 18

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

Alright, it’s 7:00 PM. Everyone has gone home. It’s time to begin. I have my spell-code pendants to help me cast multiple spells in sequence. I also have my Undetectable Extension Charmed bag with books of useful spells and some extra parchment. I hope to use as little magic as possible since magic leaves traces and I’d rather not have the Editorin-Chief raging about who broke into her office. That’s why I’m also bringing along some Muggle tools: a couple lockpicks, my screwdrivers, a few magnetic strips, good old fashioned candles, some matches, and one of those grabber toy things.

Now, you are probably

wondering how I plan to escape the Sight of our resident Seer. I have come across a couple very powerful and obscure spells in my studies. So I’m going to use both of them. I will pause the recording. Don’t want these spells to fall into the wrong hands. *** ...There. I hope that will work. Now, let’s head to Madam Starflash’s office.

For those of you who don’t know the Quibbler Castle layout, Madam Starflash’s office is at the top of the Divination Tower. The Production Office is at the base of the tower.

My office, the Archives, is somewhere in the castle. I say “somewhere” because the Archives entrance location changes 19

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

every few hours or so. There’s usually a pattern, and I’m fairly sure the entrance will appear in the Production Office below the Divination Tower around 7:15pm.

And there it is! Let’s step out. Dark in here.

I won't use magic here. The trapdoor is right there.

It's known that only the current Production Manager knows the password to the trapdoor. However - and I don't think Madam Starflash remembers this – she actually gave me the password a couple months ago “just in case”. Let's see if that password still works… *** … yes it does! Fantastic, I’m in. First of all, before I barge in: there are talking pictures of all past Quibbler staff members on the

walls. I can't have them tattling on me.

Time for the first pendant: this one has a looping spell that casts the same spell until the condition I specify is met. Ahem. For every picture in the Divination Tower, cast sleep, activate!

Now we wait a few seconds… okay, I hear snoring above. Let's head in – poptarts, the pictures on her Lockhart shrine are still awake! How –? Gotta think fast. The desk.

Stack of books on the edge of the desk.

Distraction. Wingardium leviosa!

[A crash is heard] Yikes, that was loud. Quickly, quickly, get inside, Invisibility Charm – celare corpus – phew. I’m good. Why didn’t my pendant spell work on the Lockhart pictures? Must be some kind of advanced spell she put on those photos. Blast, that woke the other pictures up… but, I’m currently invisible.

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

As long as I keep quiet, they shouldn't notice me.

Quick digression: I should mention that facere perlucidum is NOT a good Invisibility Charm. It does make one see-through, but also makes one’s organs visible. Extremely unpleasant from first-hand experience. My stomach is getting queasy thinking about it.

Shoes by the trapdoor. She’ll kill me (well, make me deader than I’ll already be if she catches me) if she sees bootprints across the rug.

I see five Wand Tap places, similar to the Diagon Alley entrance. There are Tripwire Spells connecting them bottom to top, so let me tap those in that order… aha! There’s the keyhole. Unusual placement, in the upper left corner of the cabinet door.

Let’s see if I can use a good ol’ Muggle lock pick here. This… and here... and blast, it’s stuck – there, it’s out. It’s almost as if the keyhole expects a different key every time –

First step: I need to make sure I don’t get caught off-guard by someone coming through the trapdoor.

Checking my book for Detection Spells… yes, these should work. Incipit filum, homenum revelio, finem filum.

The light’s a bit dim in here. That tall purple-y violet sparkly thing in the corner must be the cabinet. Almost looks like an uneven disco ball. Don’t tell Madam Starflash I said that. She’s most certainly has heavily enchanted that cabinet. I am going to take this as slowly as necessary.

Step two: check for spells close to the cabinet. Revelio! … Okay, no effect. Let’s try a more powerful spell. Revelabit abscondia! Ah, there we go. By the looks of things, Madam Starflash’s set up a Tripping Hex, a BatBogey Hex, and a … lemon-juice-conjuring hex? Fascinating. It seems that she also linked all three with Tripwire Spells, so if one hex is activated, the rest will trigger as well. How do I know this? I taught Star the spell and can recognise its characteristics.

Clever clever me. Clever me shall now step around the spelled areas.

Third step: unlock the cabinet itself. I don’t see a keyhole. Revelabit abscondia! … Alright,

– A Warping Lock. That must be it. Great defensive bit of magic in which the key and lock mutate randomly, sometimes in miduse. I don’t have a tool on hand for this, so it’s time to spell-code. Going to use a spare pendant for this. I’ll cut here so you don’t have to listen to me mumble my way through coding. *** I think that spell-code should work. Let’s try it. Hold pendant to the keyhole and activate! I hear clicking… more clicking… nononono STOP cantrasee! Phew, caught it just in time. How did I not see that Identity Spell?

Well. This is a problem. I didn't think to take Polyjuice Potion with me. Fairly sure 21

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

it wouldn’t work anyways since Madam Starflash is a fairy, not a human. She’s probably set the Identity Spell to some kind of magical fingerprint. What kind of “fingerprint” would Madam Starflash have that the rest of us Quibbler staff don’t? ...Glitter. She must have some kind of “glitter-print”. So where in her office would I find Madam Starflash’s glitter lying around? That was sarcasm, by the way. It’s literally all over the place. Accio minima Madam Starflash’s glitter!

GAK I used the least powerful form of accio and I still look like I got splattered by glitter paint. Blast, the pictures can see me! For every picture in the Divination Tower, cast sleep, activate! The Lockhart pictures are still looking in my direction though… what do I do – what do I do – um – celare corpus!

Okay. Glitter is now invisible too. Deep breaths, Reese. Deep breaths.

I know that the glitter is covering my hands and the pendant, so let’s try the pendant again. Hold pendant to the keyhole and activate! Clicking… more clicking…

MORE clicking… YES it worked!!!

Fantastic. Now, cabinet, you will reveal the secrets of our Editor-in-Chief to me, MWAHAHAHAH– excuse me. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Fourth step: take inventory of everything here. Not going to go through everything in excruciating detail since I can use a Pensive when I get back. No touching anything.

Lumos!

At least forty types of tea on this shelf… no labels, I very strongly disapprove.

Seventeen teacups… that there is a strangelooking teacup. Three crystal balls: one that looks normal, one with purple glitter, one with pink smoke. So that’s where she stores all those extra cushions! I’ve always 22

wondered. Down here are … bottles of glitter? Ooh, yikes, didn’t see that knife. I like the intricate carvings on the handle.

Ah, and here's the real treasure – books.

Trelawny Family History… The Master Seer’s Encyclopedia of Obscure Tea Leaf Readings… My word, A History of the Ministry of Magic’s Hall of Prophecy! Madam Starflash never gave me a sound reason for why I can't get a copy of that book for the Archives. Fortune Telling for Dummies? I can’t believe she actually has this book, she doesn’t need it… or does she? …

How to Grow to Human Size…

Merlin’s beard, it’s the very first edition of Sight of the Ancients: Divination Arts in Ancient Civilizations! It’s said that this edition was extremely controversial among leading Seers, and most copies were burned. I can’t believe Madam Starflash has a copy. Must be my birthday. I’d love to make a copy of this book, and all the others as well. But should I do that? The Lockhart pictures are getting restless...

Decisions, decisions. Er… let’s check for spells on the books. Revelabit abscondia! No spells. Okay. Deep breath. Let’s do this.

Good thing I’ve brought extra parchment and my Duplication Pendant. Oooh boy, this is so exciting! Let’s start with Sight of the Ancients. Duplication, Sight of the Ancients: Divination Arts in Ancient Civilizations, activate! This is going to take a while, so I’ll start on the other books... Duplication, Abstract Arithmancy, activate! ... Dup – – WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN’S RIGHT EARRING – – WAAAAGHHH – [Here there are a series of bangs and crashes] – Madam Starf –

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

– IN MY OFFICE – AFTERHOURS – REESE?? – – I can explain – – MY CABINET – – It’s not what you think – – OUT OUT OUT – [More crashes and hollering. Recording ends.] *** *** As you can probably tell, something went wrong. All I know is that as I was copying the books, Madam Starflash somehow entered the office and exploded in rage. Perhaps the Obfuscating spells malfunctioned. Perhaps she flew in through the windows or the fireplace, both areas I realise I forgot to secure. But I digress.

This has been an utter disaster. I lost four of my pendants and seven others are beyond magical repair. My textbooks are juicelogged. I left my favourite pair of boots in the tower and I dare not retrieve them.

I take full responsibility for my misdeeds. I deeply and sincerely apologise to Madam Starflash for all this. I meant no harm, but I should have curbed my curiosity. I hope you can forgive me, or at least let me resign and leave the castle without bodily harm. *** But between you and I, dear reader, I managed to duplicate half of Sight of the Ancients: Divination Arts in Ancient Civilizations. I foresee (no pun intended) having a lot of free time in the near future to study it. So was this little venture worth it? … perhaps!

She must have used a Sonorus Charm because she never screams that loudly. I then stumbled back into those three hexes she had set up. You know how painful lemon juice is when it gets into your eyes?

I must’ve somehow triggered a Thief ’s Downfall too, because the next thing I knew, I was soaking wet and she could see me. There were other voices, probably the portraits in the room. It was all I could do to grab my bag and scramble through the trapdoor back into my office. She must’ve done a number of other hexes and curses on me as well because it’s taken me four hours, nine counterspells, and sixteen antidote potions to get back to normal. Even now, I still have some kind of purple sparkly scar on my left calf that keeps omitting orange smoke every five minutes.

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QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

The

Final

Mystery

24

I

INSERT QUIBBLER t was the dusk. The sun has just set and the last fiery sky faded to black.

I walked down the street to the assignment of the century. My editor-in-chief had just informed me of a secret society of poets conspiring to to bring down the current magical government and make mandatory the standard spell casting to be in rhymes.

I grabbed the list, containing about a hundred names of the conspirer, and put it in my coat.

As I sneaked to escape from my perilous situation, I stumbled out of the study and fumbled right into the arms of a night guard! While he obviously couldn't see me, he definitely felt my body crash in to his.

A shout! A crash and a blinding flash of light, I cast my patronus as a distraction and flew out the door.

I was undercover as a sympathetic witch who wanted to join their cause.

Once out of the protected area, I apparated out to a forest nearby to hide.

Dressed in my signature khaki trench coat and carrying my yellow umbrella, I stopped at a wall at the end of an alley.

As I write this article in the limited time I have, I quickly summon my patronus and attached the list with my completed article to it. Adding a secret code “ovg.yl/SerqJrnfyrl”.

“If you find your path is blocked, All you have to do is knock.”

And I knocked three times.

A door flashed into existence on the wall and I entered.

I introduced myself to the crew of thugs disguised as poets. I know who they are. A bunch of power hungry wizards who didn't work an honest day's work but expected the world handed to them.

Under the facade of ‘poetry and art should rule the world’, they have gathered the poor artistic souls behind them.

Being a poet's club, I had to prove my rhyming skills.

Sending it back to my editor-in-chief, hoping I survive long enough for it to reach her, watching out for the inevitable “poets” who will catch up to me eventually.

It has been a good run with you, dear readers. I had a blast. I will always treasure the journey we had. The memories each and everyone of you gave me, I will carry them with me wherever I go.

As I walked in to the sea, sun rising over the horizon, that's how I wish you readers will remember me.

-ElphabaPfenix

“A fellow poet that rhymes for fun, I will not rest till the mission is done.”

Not my best work, but it will do in a pinch.

To cut a long story short, I had gained their trust enough to be allowed to stay and we spent the night casting silly spells with rhymes and speaking in codes.

Soon we turned in. That is when my real mission began.

I cast an disillusionment spell and creeped into the study. I doubt I will find any plans, but really, I am looking for a list.

A-HA! I knew it existed. A name list of all the members along with their joined dates and signature. I had to get this out!

My Journey has come to an end. I'm tired.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

It means so much that you guys are in my life.

I’m happy to have known each and everyone of you.

Though I’m not as active as I would like to be in chats.

I treasure every moment and interaction I have had.

As the time has come for me to leave and rest.

Remember me fondly. Remember me as the happy cheerful person trying to make people laugh (success rate not guaranteed).

Thank you.

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QUIBBLER INSERT

Muggle Mischief in Review:

Could Sell Fones Be the Next Muggle Machine in Your Wizarding Home?

Written by Field Journalist Agnes Billesby

T

his is my first guest article in the Quibbler, so do be nice and also could you publish this and send a copy for Shirley, Sybil, Frances, and Evelyn. They're in my knitting circle and I think they’d love to see me up and at them!

Many muggle inventions have been becoming popular among modern witches and wizards in the past twenty years. The television is quite fun.

I myself have often spent whole days pushing all the clickety clackety buttons. I’ve actually heard from some clearly unsavory characters that the flat part displays pictures, but that sounds ridiculous.

There’s no way that muggles can enchant pictures!

Plus the clackety clickety buttons more than justify the cost. Just yesterday I spent 8 hours straight testing the volume buttons and I do think that the click of the minus volume button might be slightly quieter than the clack of the plus button. I’ve set aside my entire Saturday to investigate more. I think I’m onto something.

I’ve taken to listening in on muggle conversations recently to get ahead of the curve on this muggle trend. I've learned about elecktrickety, the mitochondria (the powerhouse of the sell fone), and the sell fone itself. Here is what I’ve learned:

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Elecktrickety

Elecktrickety is life a sort of bright fire. I heard two muggles talking about a car that uses elecktrickety the other day and I was amazed. They had a car that ate and it ate something I’d never heard of. On Wednesday I heard two girls talking about it. They said their “elecktrickety was out” and that their plugs weren’t working. Upon further investigation, (thank you evelyn for lending me your Demiguise shawl, even though it was quite patchy) I discovered elecktrick plugs in a house. Immediately I tried to sample some of this elecktrickety and I could tell why they only feed it to cars and lamps. It tastes awful and hurt my teeth. Furthermore I couldn't even find it with my tongue to chew. It felt like a Billywig had flown in my mouth for the rest of the day. I know many witches and wizards use elecktrick lights now., but I bet less would if they knew how bad it tastes!

My verdict: There is absolutely no reason for anyone to try elecktrickety. Gross.

Mitochondria and the Sell Fone:

The sell fone is apparently very popular. They’re this type of glass and metal little slab that muggles run around with and use to talk to each other. I’m convinced that the poor taste to not use an owl (I

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hear theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re much faster than fones) is directly connected to why they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have magic of their own. Apparently itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a type of tiny telly fone that you can carry. You do still have to scream into it for the other person to hear you, so itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not much better. Frankly an owl can come with you too, and doesn't need holding, so I really donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t understand the attraction.

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s more is even though its a telly fone you can carry, no one actually uses them like a telly fone. My neighbor Agnes says she heard they have moving pictures on them just like the TV. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the unsavory influence I warned you about. (Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry she wont read this, she's strictly a prophet reader and you know how those types are.) But the point is theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re always poking their sell phones. All the time!

The more I looked for it the more I saw it. Muggles are obsessed.

I know Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve made them sound terrible, but actually, they are the wave of the future! There are so many different types of sell fones.

Some flip flop open. A couple rare ones have an entire typewriterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s buttons on them.

The most common ones only have a few buttons, but are still fun. So far I have secretly collected 87 sell fones from muggle pedestrians in the area outside the Leaky Cauldron and by St. Mungoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (visiting my sister-in-law).

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so easy to get them away from muggles. So long as you're using a demiguise shawl or are good with an summoning charm, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s impossible for them to tell what's going on, and I highly encourage collecting them, before the Dept. for the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts office pokes their noses in!

My verdict: YES! Get started on forming a collection today!

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QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

Celebration of Harry Potter Not Happening

by Rhia1

I

f you wanted to join the Celebration of Harry Potter at the Orlando Resort, you will sadly have to schedule a different experience at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right, it has been decided that this event that draws thousands of people to Florida will not happen in 2019.

Not postponed to a later date, but not happening at all.

Since 2014, the Celebration of Harry Potter has taken place

28

in the last week of January every year. You would not only get to ride the rides, but you can get sorted into your house, be taught how to correctly duel, and might even get to see cast and crew from the movies, possibly even J.K. Rowling herself. It is an event many fans look forward to every year since it started and many are upset at this news.

Celebration of Harry Potter usually talks about these with fans, upping the hype around future features that will be coming to the park soon.

Now, there are still rides and attractions being added to the theme park and resort, but the

So, while this tradition that started five years ago will not happen this year, there is much fans

There will be new events, such as a Back to Hogwarts themed event in September, as well as a new unnamed rollercoaster replacing the 18-year-old Dragon Challenge coaster.

can still look forward to and enjoy.

It is not known if it is just this year or if 2018 was the last time fans would see the Celebration for Harry Potter. But what is known is that the love the world has for the Wizarding World not diminished in the slightest. If anything, it has only grown, especially with the addition of the Fantastic Beasts five-part series adding to world and characters they know and love.

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29

Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For Central Africa Edition

by Eldis Hello everyone! Did you bring your sunscreen? Your toothbrush? Your dental healing spells? Because you will need all of them today! Last edition we travelled through the north of Africa, so today we will move further down the continent to Central Africa in our fifth instalment of Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For: The second Africa edition. What a marvellously magical continent this is! As we mentioned last time, this continent is the source for much magic, so be careful!

Your spells might suddenly be much more powerful than you intended! While you are here, maybe practice some wandless magic! The wizards and witches on this continent are known for it, and many do not even own a wand. They find it a sign of magical weakness if you need ‘a puny little stick to guide you’.

But enough about the wizarding world and on to the muggle one! Are you ready to explore the traditional sweets central Africa has to offer?

Here we go!

Let’s start in Nigeria. Although they do not know many truly sweet treats like the ones we tasted in the north of this continent, their traditional food is still incredibly delicious!

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Take, for example, akara. These bean cakes are the most popular snacks in Nigeria. They are deepfried balls of spiced dough made of bean flour! It is often dipped in some sort of custard and eaten with fries and stew. Ever had egg rolls? Well, probably never ones as delicious as you can get in Nigeria. A boiled egg

is wrapped in dough and deep-fried.

And, as the rule goes, anything that is deep-fried tastes better.

This is no exception! And whilst you’re here, you simply have to try donkwa. This is a traditional snack of the Hausa tribe, located in the north of Nigeria. It is made by mixing finely ground cornmeal and

groundnut with oil and water. It is seasoned with chilli powder. It does not need any baking or frying, only mixing and shaping! An easy and delicious recipe. If you prefer to stay on the sweeter side, try plantain chips! Or plantain anything, really.

Pancakes, pies, battered plantains…

This ingredient is extremely versatile. Plantain chips are basically dried slices of plantain, and absolutely delicious! If plantains aren’t your thing, try kokoro. It is a crunchy cornmeal snack, native to West Nigeria, made from cornmeal, sugar and boiling hot water.

From there, let’s travel to neighbouring Cameroon. Sweet treats are not really eaten here, for they have an abundance of delicious sweet, fresh fruit! You simply must go to a market and try some fruit, I promise that you will never find a fruit more fresh.

And your body needs some (semi-) healthy food after all of those treats!

But we shouldn’t be distracted from our mission for too long. Try some fufu! Made from cooked and pounded starchy food notably cassava and plantain flour, these sticky balls make an amazing treat when dipped into delicious sauces! Or try ndole,

TRAVEL QUIBBLER made of boiled and shredded bitterleaf, peanuts and melon seeds. Last, but not least, is bobolo, made from fermented cassava. Much more delicious than it sounds!

Now to the Democratic Republic of Congo, or DRC for short! Our first

treat is Ngalakh, which is a sort of sweet porridge. It is reminiscent of the fufu we tasted in Cameroon but is made with karaw or araw, which are a type of couscous.

It is enjoyed with peanut butter and bouye, the fruit of the baobab tree. These trees are highly magical and often very ancient, and even a sliver of their bark contains many magical properties. However, don’t try to smuggle any of it home, for each tree is protected by multiple strong wizards who know obscure and disastrous curses they will cast on you if you dare to damage the baobabs. You are warned!

Ethiopia offers the injera, a sour and spongy round bread made of teff flour. You will not have to try hard to find and taste some of these, for they usually serve as a base to put a meal on top of.

In Somalia, we can connect back to the roots of this series: delicious tongue tingling traditional sweets!

Take, for example, the shushumow.

These crystallised pastry shells are deep-fried and tossed in sugar syrup. Sometimes the shells are shaped by using an afro comb! But don’t worry about finding hairs in

your shushumow, the combs that are used are new, or only used for this purpose! It does create a beautiful swirl! The shortbread biscuits, named qureebaad ama icun, are also absolutely delicious.

‘Icun’ means ‘eat me’, and once you start eating them you never want to stop! Macsharo Yariis are mini rice and coconut cakes with a crunchy crust and a soft inside.

Halwa is also a popular Somali treat. They come in two kinds: flour-based and nut-based. It feels a bit like jelly, but depending on the recipe they can be a bit harder or softer. The ingredients are cooked together and stirred in hot oil.

On to Kenya which offers the delicious chapati flatbread.

Dough is wound into a coil and made into a flat circle. It is fried, creating crispy edges and a doughy interior. Or try some madazi. These aromatic doughnuts go incredi-

and arguably the most delicious treat: sugar canes. With these natural sugars, you can pretend to be very chai. In the western world we often call this ‘chai tea’, but that last word is superfluous. The word ‘chai’ already means ‘tea’! If you prefer to leave the sugar canes to the children, you might like to enjoy Tanzanian vitumbua, small rice cakes, with your chai. When visiting Tanzania, you should also try some sweet potato pudding, made from sweet potatoes, cardamom and saffron. If you liked the bouye in DRC, try some ubuyu! They are baobab seeds boiled and coated in sugar, salt, pepper, cardamom and vanilla, and look wonderfully red. As plain baobab seeds are naturally citrusy, the ubuyu are a delicious combination of sweet, spicy and sour.

And that concludes our travels through central Africa. Be sure to return next time, where we will discover the south of this wonderful continent. For now, brush your teeth and enjoy the sun!

bly well mbaazi za nazi, pigeon peas cooked in coconut milk.

If you are eighteen and over, try some Kenyan banana beer, called urwagwa. In neighbouring Uganda, one of the most traditional foods is matoke, made of mashed bananas. They are made with green bananas, which are peeled and steamed before they are mashed.

In Rwanda, we find the simplest, 31

No time or money to travel? Here are some recipes to bring North Africa to you!

Peanut Butter Mousse Ingredients:

Accra Cassava Ingredients:

• 2 pounds of grated cassava • some salt • 3 large overripe bananas.

• • • • • •

150 grams of peanut butter 150 grams of sugar 3 tablespoons agar-agar 6 egg whites 245 ml. heavy cream Cocoa powder as decoration

Directions

1. Mix the egg whites and sugar, beating the whites stiff.

Directions: 2. Prepare the agar-agar as the package 1. Squeeze as much moisture out of the instructs you. grated cassava as you can. You can use a 3. Melt the peanut butter over low heat. kitchen cloth to make this easier.

4. Mix the agar-agar with the peanut but2. Mash the bananas until it is a puree. ter.

3. Mix the cassava, banana puree and salt, 5. Let cool for 10 minutes. until it forms a firm dough.

6. Whip the heavy cream stiff.

4. Shape little bite-sized balls.

7. Add the peanut butter to the heavy 5. Fry the balls in medium/low heat oil till cream, beat for 2 minutes. golden-brown 8. Gently add the egg whites to the mixture.

6. Enjoy!

9. Put in cups and refridgerate so it can set (this will take about 5 or 6 hours).

10. Decorate with cocoa powder.

11. Enjoy!

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33

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

Forbidden Forest Oh my forest, so tall and green Creatures lurk in shadows deep, Slither and skitter in depths unseen How I want to know the secrets you keep.

In dark hollows Acromantulas titter, Gytrash howl in heat and blackness In the permanent night Redcaps' teeth chitter Nearby the squid oozes in his inky sickness Bowtruckles sleep in their trees While skrewts follow a good trail Hinkypunks shimmer in the light breeze While a kneezle whips its too-long tail.

Oh my forest of things in seen I wish you were filled with things of unbeing.

I wish you were not full of fright, I wish you did not haunt me every night.

34

34

QUIBBLER INSERT

INSERT QUIBBLER

A Gardening Instructional by drpepperslut

35

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

S

pring is coming soon, and what better way to spend your time as the weather warms than by going out and building yourself a little home garden? A garden for show?

Wonderful! Big beautiful fragrant blooms your neighbors will be jealous of ? Now that sounds like a great idea! But what about one for making your own potions?

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot over this dreary winter about how so many of us have gotten ourselves into the habit of simply buying our potions premade and have forgotten those long ago days of growing the ingredients and making your own potions from scratch. It’s not so awful as you remember from when you took your OWLs I assure you! It’s really quite relaxing and moves the magic within you in a way nothing else can.

I know I know, it seems overwhelming. In some respects it is! But now is the perfect time to start a project like this, and with the handy instructions I’ll be giving you in this article, you’ll be ready to start the perfect garden for your home. So let’s get started shall we?

Step One- Making a plan You’ll want to find a nice plot of soil. Ideally a spot around 3-4 meters square (And if you haven’t got the space I’m sure you can just expand a small bit of land with a quick spell or two). Think now how you want to have this area organized. Some things you will want to consider are:

36

• What ways will you contain the soil? I’ve always been a fan of using some cute rounded stones from a local river as a decorative edge, but other options can be… ◊ Wood ◊ Manufactured stones ◊ Some people use plastic barriers (Not an environmentally friendly option to buy outright, but there is a certain appeal to transfiguring recyclable materials for this) ◊ Cement ◊ Transfigured glass ◊ Anything you can imagine, really! Let your creativity shine!

• What do you want to concentrate most on? Food?

Decoration (like those big blooms we talked about earlier)? Potion-making ingredients?

• How much sun does your little plot get? How much of the moon hits it? You’ll need to know both for certain harvesting times, so make sure to get a good grasp of them before deciding on a plan. Afterall, you wouldn’t want to plant fluxweed and not be able to harvest it under the full moon because of your neighbor’s tree branch!

Step Two- Prepare the area You’ll save so much time using a Gouging Spell (Defodio) to break through the dirt and help you loosen the soil. This will also help you find any and all stones which might be buried under that long dormant earth. Any roots you can't pull out with your bare hands are nothing to a quick Severing Charm (Diffindo). If you for some reason don’t want to use magic, or cannot for those of us living in the Muggle side of things you can use a standing garden tiller to break up the soil. If the soil has never been worked before, or is very difficult to work, those muggles have a machine version of a tiller called a “Robotiller” to make it easierbut I would honestly advise you to just use magic rather than use the clunky thing.

Here is where you will want to improve your soil too, so take time to do that. Add about a 7 cm layer of compost, decaying leaves, your first post-snow grass clippings (dried is better for this), or manure. Any improvements should be mixed together with

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

the existing soil, after the original loosening of the soil, unless you live somewhere with extremely rocky soil. This is likely the most work you’ll have to do to set up your garden. The good news is you won’t have to do this again until next year!

Step Three- Plant shopping This is the exciting part! I love going to the greenhouses or nursery and picking up my baby plants. There’s always so much to look at and interesting new plants being featured and those incredible smells! Oh I just love it. It’s horribly cold outside while I write this but just the thought of stepping into the greenhouses again just fills me with such warm excitement, I can’t wait for spring to come!

But back on topic, else I’m liable to go on for hours. You can get transplants (young plants) or plant your own seeds. Assuming you’ve decided to go with transplants (my preferred way to get a garden started) you’ll want to pick out plants that have a good look to them. Don’t take any plants with withered looking or brown spotted leaves. Magic based plants will have signs letting you know if they can be touched (be sure to watch out for plants you shouldn’t touch with bare hands or which have biting parts!) and what their properties are.

Try to keep in mind what the benefits to having some plants near each

other. I really quite like having a flitterbloom near the edge of my garden, as it’ll scare off any rabbits looking for a quick snack on my prized shrivelfig plants, for an example. Make sure you have a trowel before leaving (either at home or purchase one while you’re there. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to speak to the employees of your chosen establishment for advice!

This is their business after all and I’ve always found a wonderful passion in everyone working in the industry that just begs to have a conversation.

Step Four- Planting Now that you’ve got your plants, dig your holes, plop them in your prepared soil (noting the depth of the holes you need to dig for each variety of plant, of course). I usually will take some time laying out the transplants on top of the garden soil to get a feel for how it will look when everything starts to grow together before starting the digging process. When my mother starts her annual garden, she always realizes about here that she can’t find her trowel and winds up using a serving spoon from her kitchen. She’s so silly that woman. She doesn’t even transfigure the spoon! Just throws it away afterward. But if you’ve come this far, I’m sure you remembered to grab a trowel to dig these holes as you go and plant your new little friends in the ground. As you go, add some way of marking which plant is which.

I can’t tell you how many times in the beginning of my gardening

life I harvested a honking daffodil flower, mistaking it for nonmagical daffodil and it set off quite a ruckus! My poor muggle neighbors were ever so confused.

Last of all, you’ll want to throw down some mulch (About 5 cm or so) in whatever variety suits you. I tend to go for cedar mulch because I like the smell of it, but really it’s up to you. Some people use pine needles, others use cocoa hulls (which smells just like dirt mixed with chocolate), and still others use any of the varieties they desire. Mulch is for weed growth reduction and keeping the soil more moist, especially in summer.

As for watering, transplants also need a quick manual shower every other day or so, until their roots become established. After that, how often you need to water depends on your soil, how humid your climate is, what the plant itself needs, and how often it rains. Make sure you retain any informational materials that come with your transplants for reference and also label your new little plants so nothing gets mixed up! I like to try to plant on a day where it is expected to rain because I believe the rain is a healthier water source than the well water available for my plants. Watering should happen early in the day, ideally, especially as summer closes in.

And you’re done! See? That wasn’t so bad! Now keep it up and before you know it you’ll have a wonderful full garden ready for your first harvest in a few weeks. Or if you decide to use some fertiliser potion, even sooner than that!

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM BECOMING THE BUTT OF A BAD APRIL FOOLS JOKEs: A GUIDE TO JINXES, HEXES, AND CURSES

by Armyprivateoctopus99

N

ew fad jinxes come and go. Many of our readers may recall the popularity spells like Levicorpus, the Jelly-Legs Jinx, or the Bat-Bogey Hex, and have enjoyed them over the years. Generally, these spells are relatively harmless or at least not likely to decide a duel. However, some new spells ride the line between hex and curse rather closely. The following is a complication of deceivingly simple spells to watch out for. Knowledge of the Dark Arts is crucial if we are to defeat dark wizards and those who seek to do us harm.

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BRACKIUM DESOLATI:

PETASUM HIRUNDUM:

*The Arm Melting Hex*

*Swallowing Hat Hex*

This hex begs reconsideration by the Ministry for reclassification as a curse. While temporary and easily reversible by a competent spellcaster, the Arm Melting Hex has the potential to disarm a victim and prevent them from wielding a wand without outside intervention. If too slow to react the affected person is unlikely to reverse the spell on their own. As you may have guessed, it is extremely difficult to wield a wand without arms.

This jinx can be cast on the victimâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hat, causing it to attempt to devour their head, lengthening and enlarging to accommodate the full head. This is a simple enough hex that can catch a witch or wizard unaware. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an old spell that saw popularity in the 90s as a way to combat dangerously kitsch sideways and backwards hat wearers, but there has been a recent resurgence by anti-muggle sorcerers using the spell to curse fezes to attack their owners at Shriners Parades.

CounterHexes:

Induresco (The Solidifying Charm) Duresco can be used to allow one to interact with an otherwise intangible object. This can be used to move a ghost around, though it is extremely difficult magic to cast. It is better used for banishing poltergeists or undoing an Arm Melting Hex. The incantation is accompanied by a tight circular movement of the wand and a tap on the object you wish to affect. If not under the effects of a relevant spell, this charm is harmless.

Counterhex:

Alarte Ascendare The Launching Charm This charm launches the target into the air at top speed. Be careful though - if the hat has a firm grip on your head you can go flying too. Best when Finite Incantatum is used first to weaken the hat's grip. Simply recite the incantation while making a jabbing motion with your wand.

Duro (The Hardening Charm) This is a more common spell that will also do the trick - but isn't perfectly safe. Casting the Hardening Charm will turn most objects to stone. Therefore it can be extremely counterproductive to cast on your arms if you are not in danger of them melting. Beware a trickster who only pretends to cast the Arm Melting Hex to avoid rock hard biceps.

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COLLOCULUS

The Eye Gluing Curse Similar to the Conjunctivitis Curse, though less dangerous or damaging, it is nonetheless potentially threatening, because it is unaffected by Finite Incantatem. The spell blinds the victim by creating a glue-like substance that holds the victimâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eyes shut.

Counterjinx:

Evanesco is the best spell to use to remedy this. Unfortunately, it will render the eyes quite dry, so have clean water on hand if possible. In some advanced cases where the curse has been used multiple times, it does not work and a dilute cleaning potion is necessary.

Simply brandish your wand and recite the incantation to cast. Relashio is strongly discouraged if you enjoy possessing eyelids.

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EMARCESHOO

The Shoe Shrinking Jinx The Shoe Shrinking Jinx is deceivingly simple. Many assume it's the same as a simple Reducio, but that is not the case.

Attempting to correct the jinx using Engorgio will actually cause your toenails to grow extremely fast, similar to a Toenail Growing Hex. Combined with the Shoe Shrinking Jinx, this will cause your toenails to rupture your shoes. The jinx, if left to its own devices, will actually cause the victims feet to shrink as well as their shoes. Shrunken feet will require treatment by professionals at St. Mungo's. It's recommended you get your shoes off as fast as possible.

Counterjinx:

Depulso is the best way to counter this jinx.

Spells stopping the shoes from shrinking may take more than one try, so the priority is getting the shoes off. Simply brandish your wand and recite the incantation to cast.

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LANGAUGEO

The Tongue Growing Curse Similarly to Langlock, this spell disables the victim form casting verbal spells. However, the curse will cause the tongue to grow rapidly.

Very quickly the victims tongue will exceed a length at which the owner can still control their speech. Like other speech disabling spells, the countercurse is difficult as it must be nonverbal.

Langaugeo is often quite popular among younger witches and wizards who have not yet mastered nonverbal spells and who have more difficulty correcting it. The image of a person troubled by a tongue that they now have to coil in great circles around their neck has made this incredibly popular on April Fool's.

IMPERVIUS

The Impervius Charm The Impervius Charm causes a surface to repel liquids. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s generally harmless, useful for keeping dry, preventing humidity from fogging glasses, or preventing physical contact when handling cursed or dark objects. The Impervius Charm made this list as it becomes popular to bewitch othersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; quills to repel ink in many schools and some offices close to April Fool's Day.

Countercharm:

Finite Incantatem Simply tap the quill and recite.

The next jinx provides a satisfying revenge.

Countercurse:

Redactum Langua You may recall that using Reducio and Engorgio on the human form can be risky. This form of Reducio will give the caster a better rate of success. However, if possible it is far better to seek the help of a trained healer.

Redactum Langua is related to Redactum Skullus and Reducio, and Diminuendo, but targets the tongue. To cast this form, recite the incantation while running the tip of the wand along your tongue.

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PORAPORTUS SEGENTA

The Doorway Missing Jinx This subtle jinx has no noticeable effects at first, in fact, the jet your wand shoots at the target is clear. This jinx is perfect for anonymous revenge. Upon reaching a doorway, the bewitched witch or wizard will miss the doorway and smack their head into the doorframe. Part of the joy of this jinx is that the victim will usually not understand what has happened and try to pass through the doorway, again and again, hitting the doorway multiple times before realizing magic is at play.

Counterjinx:

Confundo Recanto This cure for the Confundus Charm works to clear the effects of Poraportus Segenta - the two spells are actually closely related. Simply speak the incantation while tapping the wand to the victim's temple.

Remember the safest way to respond to threatening magic is Protego and Red Sparks to alert the authorities. Stay safe this April Fool's Day, but more importantly the charms, jinxes, hexes, and curses would be an excellent way to get revenge or torment your enemies.

Theoretically, of course.

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Conjuring Your Own Future for 2019-2020 By: emilyolivia33

H

ere is a simple exercise that you can do to conjure up your own future for the year 2019-2020! Enjoy!

What you will need As you know, each of Hogwarts founders had their own special magical object: Slytherin’s locket, Hufflepuff’s cup, Gryffindor’s sword, and Ravenclaw’s diadem.

For this exercise, you will need: • Your own personal magical object • Markers, colored pencils, colored pens • Your computer/printer • Scissors • Glue • Something to write on: a poster-board or a large sheet of paper Timing to be aware of: This exercise should be done between April 5 at 4:50 am EST through the end of the day of April 7. This is because the first new moon occurs after the Spring Equinox on March 21. Spring is the time for new beginnings!

When the time is right, search the internet for pictures, headlines and images that feel happy to you and reflect qualities that you want for yourself in 2019-2020. Print these out. You might also find pictures representing a goal you would like to achieve this year or an experience that you would like to have. Find and print things that really resonate with you and bring you joy.

Have your magical object nearby and trace it onto your poster-board. This object is the representation of your own uniqueness and authenticity! The world would be less without you in it!

Cut out the pictures, words and images that you printed.

Arrange them in any way on your poster-board. You may choose to cover up your traced object, keep it clear, or cover it part way. It’s entirely up to you! The way you arrange your board is entirely your choice. Be as creative as you wish. When you are ready, glue everything into place. You can also choose to add your own words, images or drawings with your markers or colored pencils. You may want to add color to your board. Again, be as creative as you wish! There is no right or wrong way.

Keep your mind open and clear as you are creating your board. You may find yourself inspired by new ideas at this time. As you work, it may be helpful to distinguish what you really want versus what others want for you or what you think you should want. Let your heart and your intuition be your guide.

When you’re finished, hang your poster-board up in a place where you can access it (I keep mine on the inside of a closet door). Whenever you look at it, let it inspire you, give you strength, and, above all, make you smile all year long!

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When to Conjure your Patronus in 2019 By: emilyolivia33

D

Pluto always brings the need to discard old emotional habits and the degree that we resist letting go that causes crises.

Astrologers have long been aware that when the energies of Saturn and Pluto are strongest, the dementors are also strongest, feeding on depression, anxiety, grief, sadness, and anger in humans. In 2019, the planet Saturn is getting closer and closer to the planet Pluto.

Here is your guide to using your patronus to deal with these energies in 2019!

ementors, those guards of Azkaban that suck the happiness out of living beings, are alive and well in 2019. In fact, fear, apprehension and anxiety seems to be growing in the world today which is causing the number of dementors to rise slowly. The good news: you can use your patronus to banish these dementors!

Here are the meanings of these two planets individually:

I have found Saturn to be the planet of maturity, of growth through restriction, and the influence that calls everyone to strip things down to their most essential, or necessary, components. It’s influence also calls out any false dependency by taking away that which we think we need to survive and then allows us to see that we exactly we need and what we don’t.

In this way, a strong Saturn influence brings a new perspective.

Moving on, a Plutonian influence brings circumstances that challenge one’s personal security. Old patterns that are no longer helpful that we cling to because we think that they will make us secure get exposed.

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So, as Saturn gets closer and closer to Pluto, things that we depend on that we believe make us more secure will be challenged - and these challenges bring anger, fear, anxiety, and grief - the very emotions that the dementors feed on!

Step 1: Establish what your true patronus is.

You may find that your Pottermore patronus is accurate, or you may find that it’s an animal that you connect with in some way. My own Pottermore patronus is a marsh harrier, but my real patronus is a hawk. I have found that hawks are never far from me, even though I live in NYC! Here is a picture of a hawk that came to say hello to me last summer in Queens:

DIVINATION QUIBBLER

Step 2: Whenever a dark or depressing

energy comes over you, identify exactly what energy it is: give it a name. You don’t need to know all the factors that are causing it. But by giving the name to it, you lessen its power. It’s name could be: grief, anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, etc.

Step 3: Give yourself some room and space to encounter the emotion without pushing it away or trying to make it go away. However, don’t let it take you over completely. Deeply acknowledge how you really feel.

Step 4: Now, imagine yourself filled with the following color from head to toe:

For anxiety and fear - use yellow; think of the yellow in yellow sapphire or citrine For anger and frustration - use green; think of the green in emerald For grief - use white; think of the purest white light you can For sorrow and sadness - use red; think of the red in ruby For lethargy - use orange; think of the orange in carnelian For confusion or not knowing which action to take - use blue; think of the blue in blue sapphire

Step 5: When your whole body is filled

with the color, think of your happy memory.

Concentrate hard! Send that happy memory to all of your cells! Point your wand and say, “Expecto Patronum!” and send those dementors away! See your patronus come from the tip of your wand and watch as the emotion you were encountering is sent away with those dementors!

In 2019, you might find practicing conjuring your patronus is very helpful on the days that the moon gets close to Saturn/Pluto, or on days where the moon is opposing Saturn/ Pluto. This is because when the moon connects to Saturn/Pluto, those feelings that the dementors love to feed on have a tendency to come up. Below is a list of when these dates occur in 2019: Winter dates: January 5 and 6, January 19 and 20, February 2, February 16, March 1, March 16 Spring dates: March 29, April 12, April 25, May 9, May 22, June 5 and 6, June 18 and 19 Summer dates: July 3, July 16, August 12, August 26 and 27, September 8, September 23 Autumn dates: October 5 and 6, October 20, November 2, November 16 and 17, November 29, December 14 and December 27 (a winter date, heading into 2020).

Happy Patronus Conjuring!!!

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ASK MADAM

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off?

Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

I sincerely hope that you are having a wonderful day!

I am 15, and I go to school at Beauxbatons. I know it's not Hogwarts, but my parents preferred staying closer to home. I wanted to know how I can recognize my Hogwarts House easily, as I have been studying to learn more about Hogwarts and its many curiosities!

I believe that I am a Hufflepuff, but my aspirations are more towards Ravenclaw. Thanks a lot!

I heard that a Muggle named Elon among many others is taking Muggles near moon sometime in the near future. As a mooncalf lover, should I go with them to the moon to better understand and appreciate my favourite beast?

Sincerely, Mooncalf Maniac

Sincerely, Transfer Student in the Making Dearest Maniac, Dearest Student, Hogwarts House is where the heart is. If you feel like you are a Hufflepuff, then you can certainly be a Hufflepuff. I am a Hufflepuff myself. Having a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Second Houseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; is a new thing, where you align yourself with one House primarily and another House secondarily (the name pretty much explains itself, I suppose).

So you can be a Hufflepuff in your heart and have Ravenclaw tendencies as well! However, your parents want you to stay at Beauxbatons, so you should honor their wishes.

I am sorry to tell you that the mooncalf is not indigenous to the moon, because contrary to popular belief, there is no moonlight on the moon. Mooncalves require moonlight for their mating rituals. If you head for the moon, you will not find any magical creatures there, but you will get a great view of Earth, so make sure to take a camera.

May Fortune smile upon you!

May Fortune smile upon you!

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QUIBBLER DIVINATION Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

I had my sister and her family over for the holidays.

We had such a lovely time, even though her teenager was as distant as a centaur the entire time. I tried to look past his disinterest in my collection of stuffed birds (my Augurey is something special, I will say) or my collection of chocolate frog cards or my petrified gnome “racrivity” scene (it's an odd Muggle Christmas tradition I read about in a past edition of the Quibbler).

I was really willing to look past all this in the name of family togetherness for the holidays. However, earlier today I noticed that the lovely Cupid statues I use to decorate my front gate had been bewitched to make rude gestures! I can't think of how many of my visitors have been offended by now! I'm sure it was my nephew.

What do I do? How do I remove the enchantment on my Cupids without damaging the original Piertotum Locomotor spell and correct this sort of behavior?

Should I report my nephew to the Improper Use of Magic Office? He's only 15. Please help!

I’ve fallen in love with a Muggle, how do I tell her I’m a wizard?

Sincerely, Embarrassed by Extended Family

Dearest Embarrassed, Ah, your nephew is going through a rebellious phase, but he was not the one who enchanted your statues.

Your sister thought it would be funny. Her spell was simple and did not have any effect on the Piertotum Locomotor spell, she used Statue ‘Enhancing’ Powder, a new Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes product meant to make statues dance and perform rude gestures. This does not harm protective spells. It was a practical joke. To get even with her, next time she comes over put itching powder in her pajamas. She will also blame your nephew.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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Sincerely, Lovestruck Liar

Dearest Lovestruck, Just tell her, my darling. She will not leave you. She can’t. She’s got some news for you as well. Go with blue paint.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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Would You Rather?

It’s almost time for every Hogwarts student’s favorite holiday: April Fool’s Day! In the midst of planning the greatest pranks that will become the talk of the castle for weeks to come, take some time to step back and relax with your friends by playing the silliest game of ‘Would You Rather’ ever!

Would You Rather…

Have feet for hands or hands for feet?

Have your head be the size of a snitch or the size of a cauldron?

Die alone with no friends or die in a way everyone remembers you but only because it was ridiculously stupid?

Eat poop flavored chocolate or chocolate flavored poop?

Drink a gallon of sweat or a gallon of blood?

Have a belly button that extends five inches outwards or have a nose that is concave?

Be very smart but horribly ugly or be drop dead gorgeous but dumber than a rock?

Have a hippogriff tear off your face or a goblin bite off your foot?

Cut off an arm or become a muggle?

Transfigure yourself into a beautiful shark but never be able to turn back or incorrectly transfigure your friend into a mouse but they’re stuck in a half-human half-mouse state forever?

Paint a wall with your feet or your face?

Kiss every stranger you ever meet or lick one professor’s armpits every day?

Eat brain flavored jello or jello flavored brain?

Have a vampire for a mom or a werewolf for a dad?

Polyjuice into your crush or your worst enemy?

Have the entire school see you naked or pass gas at least three times every class?

Fight the giant squid or the headmaster?

Pull the greatest prank ever but get expelled or pull a few minor ones to the amusement of everyone?

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Not Your Grandfather's Pranks!

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

by Rhia1

W

e all know how every prankster goes to Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes to get their • Packaged Poltergeist Pandemonium pranks before school and on breaks, and for A box that can record your voice, but those that are able to visit Hogsmeade, they it’s default voice is that of Peeves, the can go to Zonko’s Joke Shop. Both can tickle resident Poltergeist of Hogwarts and the fancy of anyone who wants to trick their prankster himself friends, or get back at bullies.

However, Wizard Wheezes has announced that it will be bringing in some new products for the avid prankster, which has the owners of Zonko’s worried. Every student must be on the lookout for some of these items the next time they visit Diagon Alley.

• Bucking Brooms - A broomstick that acts wild, trying to knock even the best riders off. Luckly, there is a height limit of around five feet (one and a half meters) off the ground to reduce injury to the rider.

• Weasley Icicles - These are actually different colored lollies, but work similarly to Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour

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Beans, accept that there are no apple or candy floss flavors, only flavors that will make the person eating them want to brush their teeth instantly.

That’s why they are currently a prank item, so be warned when handed these by a friend.

• Dung Flavoured Toothpaste - Why stop at candy? Why not make your target wish they were still in bed? Well, switch out their normal toothpaste with this and start April Fool’s Day right.

• Speaking Shoes - With each step, the person wearing them will hear their shoes shout in pain. The motto for this one: “Annoyed by squeaky shoes? Wait until you hear ours speak!”

Teachers are gearing up for trouble, so many of the more explosive pranks have been prohibited at Hogwarts since the fire and flood in the Infirmary last spring, when a student was brought in after falling off their broom.

They didn’t want their twisted ankle looked at just yet, so they set off some fireworks

they bought from Wizard Wheezes to see if that would drive people out. It only managed to set the dividing curtains and several beds on fire.

This same student then decided to open his Portable Swamp to put out the fires he started, only to fill the Infirmary with a swamp that also happened to be on fire.

Several classes had to be moved to other

rooms so that students would have enough room to heal if injured while the mess was dealt with. And that prank gone wrong caused the Infirmary to be closed for a month, as the House Elves constantly found bits of flaming swamp in various places.

Needless to say, explosives, Portable Swamps, and weather producing products have been banned for the safety of the students and faculty, as well as to keep the school running smoothly.

But this doesn’t have to stop a school of pranksters! Try out the new products at Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes! Make this April Fool’s Day one for the Hogwarts history books!

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A Guide to Muggle Theater Etiquette

By KackelDackel

For wizard kind, staring at a portrait for hours on end may seem like a ridiculous past time, but for muggles it's the best way to spend an afternoon.

Confused?

I'm talking about muggle "movers" of course.

Curiously, while most muggle portraits are static, these "movers" choose to act out entire storylines for the entertainment of onlookers.

Imagine the Fat Lady putting on a pantomime of The Fountain of Fair Fortune. That's what a muggle "mover" is.

So now that you know what it is, you may think you can just walk up to any muggle portrait and request a performance. You would be incorrect.

Only a select number of particular portraits are allowed to perform in large, specially built dark rooms. (Amusingly enough they call these rooms 'theaters' despite no live entertainment taking place.) Why? Presumably to avoid upsetting your neighbors. Many of these pantomimes are quite loud.

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

1. It's okay to be afraid of the dark. This is a common occurrence even for muggles. Many of them use their "felly tones" to produce a small, but bright light to comfort themselves.

So if you're on edge, casting a subtle 'lumos' will hardly be noticed.

2. If you're confused about the story, just ask your neighbor! They'll be happy to catch you up on any plot details you missed. If they shush you though, it's code for "I'm just as lost as your are".

3. Thinking about leaving baby Timmy home?

Don't be absurd. "Movers" are a family affair! Worried Timmy's toddler tantrums will disrupt the performance? The performers are consummate professionals. Many a muggle child has lost their temper and the actors never flinch.

4. The chairs have limited arm space. Arm rests are first come, first serve. So if you get there early, plunk your elbows down and don't budge. You don't want to be one of those audience members left with one arm unsupported. Or worse, both.

5. Always give the performers real time feedback. Remember how I said they don't react to noise from the audience? That doesn't mean they can't hear you. If they do something you really like, feel free to cheer them on. If they do something you hate, booing is also acceptable.

When you keep these five things in mind, you're bound to have a unique experience that only a muggle theater can provide.

If you find yourself in a muggle theater watching a "mover", you should be aware of the expected etiquette for an audience member. Here are five simple things to remember before going:

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By Rita Skeeter With April Fool’s Day fast approaching, I knew my readers would want something special.

That’s why I have refused to settle for any less than an Interview with the Premier of Pranksters, George Weasley of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes.

I would also like to warn you that in accordance with new restrictions on certain journalists, who I daresay if anything are too honest for the Ministry’s liking, I am being required to publish a full transcript free of “artistic license.”

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RS: What was the reason you decided to start creating jokes?

Was it an escape from abuse?

Maybe your father drank too much firewhiskey?

GW: Actually it was probably because Percy was such a stuckup git that I couldn't stand by.

I had to stage an intervention.

Together Fred and I did our best to save him from himself, but honestly we didn’t have a chance.

RS: Take us through your daily routine.

GW: I wake up, get dressed and the last thing I do before I leave for work is I’ll put half my egg

salad sandwich in my left shoe so that I feel funny all day and stay in the right mood at work. Once I’m at work I do a loop and make sure Ron has managed not to kill the Pygmy Puffs and head back to my workshop. Around lunch I come out and see how sales are doing for the day. I grab some food from the Leaky Cauldron.

I'll go back and check up on production in the back and make sure the newest items are turning out well. We’ve actually just hired several house elves in assembly and they’re doing great.

RS: Are you working on anything currently?

INSERT QUIBBLER GW: I actually have a number of projects right now. My favorite is an exploding owl. I tried the first prototype out on mum. Now that our owl, Errol doesn’t fly letters for us anymore, mum just likes to stroke him at night by the fire. It was spectacular. I switched him out when she fall asleep. Then turned the radio up a bit and when she woke up and decided to put errol back in his cage, *BOOM*. Feathers Everywhere!

I’m not allowed back home for the next week, but I think dad gets that it was a pretty great joke.

Quidditch team affected your work in the shop?

RS: How has your shop responded to rumors that many of your supplies have been banned at Hogwarts?

RS: Isn’t enchanting muggle artifacts maliciously like that illegal?

GW: It’s been hard, but if anything, we’ve managed to streamline production and turn out new products on a more regular schedule. It’s actually cut costs, since we know every product is good for it’s first season. Naturally Argus Filch at the Ministry Office of Education Policy and Corporal Punishment has been banning everything that makes its way through the gates at Hogwarts.

As a result, we’ve been able to assess market demand well in advance and improve profits, knowing that everything will be banned on the second day back from summer holidays. Also if Mr’ Filch is reading this, he should now he’s missed a secret passage into the castle. There are rumors that it is being used to smuggle out goods into the school. I wouldn’t know anything about that, but I am sure he will never find it.

RS: Nothing. Nothing. Let’s go on. How has your experience as a Beater on the Gryffindor

GW: That’s a good question. We definitely have experimented with the usual charms a bludger has on odd bits and ends. Three years ago, Ron and I gave my father a Rubber Duck. What he didn’t know was that we had given it the same flesh memory as a snitch.

We combined that with the usual enchantments of a Bludger and I reckon it took dad a week to finally be rid of it. I think we're still workshopping a model for production.

GW: Actually I think you’ll find that the relevant laws allow tinkering with muggle artifacts so long as you do not intend to use them. Unfortunately my father’s brush with the Bludger Duck (that's trademarked) was unintentional. We just thought he might like to display it. Problem is that I put the note explaining the enchantments taped to the bottom of the duck, so when he found it, it was too late. Rookie error really.

RS: Can you tell me about what it was like being announced as the new mascot for the Holyhead Harpies?

GW: Well obviously it says a lot about me to be the first ever male member of the Holyhead Harpies.

Ron Weasley (his brother and business partner) can be heard shouting “Rubbish” from the front of the store.

and the team. I’ll be at the game against Puddlemere United in the VIP box. Mascotship has its perks. If I knew this was all it would take, I’d have had my ear cursed off years earlier.

RS: So what’s the latest Wizard wheeze you’d like to share with my readers?

GW: Glad you asked. This is a Chameleon Cake. A single bite will turn you the color of the wall behind you or any color of your choosing. Great for hiding in the corridors at night or avoid getting called on in class. Also it’s a great stunt to change colors whenever you want. One of our testers managed to turn Bright Purple in the middle of King’s Cross.

We do not recommend using the solid color feature around muggles. Especially if you haven’t got the grasp of it yet.

At 3 sickles each, it's a fantastic value and a great way to have fun with your mates. Its for sale at out Diagon alley and Hogsmeade locations starting April 1st!

RS: George is a melancholy young man, who clearly aches for his brother in every waking moment. I want YOU, the reader, to know that as I sit here talking with him, I can clearly see that he is yearning for Fred. I applaud his bravery as it is clear he is struggling to continue, tears rolling down his cheeks as he finds it in himself to go on.

We will have to conclude the interview here.

GW: Oi! What are you sneaking in there?

GW: It’s been loads of fun hanging out with Gwenog Jones 55

QUIBBLER INSERT

O

llivander used only three cores when making wands. In case we need a refresher, they are Unicorn Hair, Phoenix Feather and Dragon Heartstring. None of these are particularly easy to get.

Unicorns are notoriously difficult to catch in any mythos. Their horns carry a myriad of powers and are some of the most dangerous of prey.

Phoenixes are creatures of immense power, being often compared to the radiance of the sun. They can live for 500 years between fiery deaths by Roman accounts. With their power of rebirth, they are effectively immortal fire monsters.

Dragons are... well... dragons.

Other than the stories of Puff and Falcor, a dragon is a creature that you would not want to meet under any circumstances.

Knowing these characteristics, we must ask ourselves one question.

Why would someone who was making the most important equipment for children use in their schooling and life, use items

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that were terribly rare, difficult to retrieve and outright dangerous to possess in the face of other, more readily availability options.

Veela hair is proposed as a wand core from Fleur's wand.

Ollivander says that core is "temperamental". We've seen that Veela are very powerful beings. At the Quidditch World Cup, a handful of Veela are able to sway the opinions of thousands of men with little more than a calming song.

In other wands, things like Troll Whiskers are offered as wand cores.

But a troll is a blunt club compared to the razor fury of a dragon.

My theory, is that Power is Balance.

When arming children for school, you don't want to give them something that would be so unstable as to make them incapable of doing their school work. (Think about a pen that only writes every other word.)

Only a wand core of sufficient power, like the three mentioned, could provide the necessary power to last a witch or wizard their entire schooling and professional life.

These three creatures are some of the most powerful creatures in all of mythos. To be able to harvest such precious materials has to be, not only a labor of extremes, but a mystical calling to make sure that you are providing the appropriate components to make what people will need for their entire lives.

Now, I would submit, that in the absence of their resources, a resourceful Wandmaker could get by without these three supreme wand cores. This explains the American Wand Cores.

But I think that a truly gifted wand maker could make a wand of sufficient power and stability using almost any magical creature's most potent parts. (Leprechaun Beard Hair, Bowtruckle Leaf, Chimera Fang, Nundu Nail, Dementor Robe Thread, etc.)

I'm intrigued as to what our options are for wand cores and I will continue to research the various options.

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QUIBBLER EDUCATION

The Truth Behind April Fool's : Why We REALLY Prank Each Other

by ElphabaPfenix

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I

EDUCATION QUIBBLER

n the Nun’s Priest’s Tale, Chauntecleer and the Fox: “Syn March bigan thritty They hid the Blood Pact Amulet in the dayes and two.” The story began on most secure place, on the day of their the 32 March. battle, March 32nd. Both of them combined their magic to perform the most amazing Let us take a moment to let that sink in.

Concealment Charm and hid the day March 32nd forever.

I am about to reveal, through meticulous research on my part, the real story behind Thus, we only have up until March 31st Chauntecleer and the Fox. before going in to April 1st. The hidden day secures their truce, ensuring no one would We are all familiar with how the fox tricked ever find it and destroy the Blood Pact Chauntecleer the cock into closing his eyes Amulet. so that the fox could bite him, and how Chauntecleer managed to escape by tricking Years went by. The Fox clan and the fox, like Beyonce, to say his name.

Chauntecleer clan lived in tolerance, ever mindful of the Blood Pact. Until the day What was unknown to us was that both came that, for one reason or another, the two the fox and Chauntecleer were animagus! clans were at loggerheads.

Powerful wizards in their time vying for supremacy! Both battled for weeks using Each sought the means to end the Blood their magic and wits.

Pact by trying to break the Concealment Charm and find the Amulet.

Chauntecleer was actually the supreme wizard of the time, Shaun D’Lacour.

Having failed, frustration grew. Every year on April 1st, the clans would start playing In the final days, in March, they transformed pranks on each other to vent and take to their animagus to take part in a physical revenge without activating the Blood Pact. battle. The fox clearly had the upper hand.

He tricked Shaun in to closing his eyes to And so, the tradition of pranking each crow and took Shaun D’Lacour in his mouth other on April Fool’s was born. Every year, and was just about to bite down. when we play tricks on each other, we are continuing the traditions of the Fox and Shaun D’Lacour then used his quick wits Chauntecleer clan, carrying on their legacy to convince the fox that only by saying his and vendetta. name, could he break the extra protection cast on him and remove the poison from So, the next time you put salt in someone’s his blood. If the fox had bitten Shaun, the coffee on April Fool’s Day, remember the fox would have died, or so Shaun D’Lacour wizards that helped spawn this wonderful claimed. tradition, and add a couple more shakes.

The fox opened his mouth to say the counter curse and Shaun flew up into the trees for safety. Both were too embarrassed by their gullibility that they swore a blood pact; never would they fight against each other, neither would their descendants.

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Muggle Life by wyatt400

Did you ever think about how hard life might be for muggles? It must be very hard.

To do anything, they need a special substance called â&#x20AC;&#x153;Electricity.â&#x20AC;? This is dangerous when dealt with. Muggles also do not have wands, and use pens instead. Pens are like quills, except they have a ball in them, and it rolls and spreads ink. Very time consuming. Muggle Life is very hard, and we need to think of all those Muggles and Squibs out there, what kind of life they are living, without magic.

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QUIBBLER EDUCATION

Writing is Difficult

by RLFWriter

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EDUCATION QUIBBLER

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get to the point that you need to replenish what you've used or you'll eventually stall out.

Writing should not be difficult for writers. No, in fact it should flow from us as natural as breathing! I mean writing is what we want to do, it's what we aspire to, it's what makes us happy, it gives us joy, it fulfills us!

Well, the same is true with writing. Maybe you can't write because you've depleted your stockpile.

riting is not difficult. Sometimes it's very, very, very, difficult, but it shouldn't be!

So then, why is it so very, very, very, difficult to do at times? Well according to University of Leicester in the United Kingdom: "Difficulties in beginning writing can be caused by a number of factors such as anxiety about producing poor work, a lack of confidence in one's own abilities or not knowing how to start. Even professional writers have some experience of this, hence the well known term 'writer's block' ".... which "can affect the most able of writers."

So, who'd a thought. Anxiety, lack of confidence, fear of poor work! Yes, I can see how those things could stifle ones creativity. Could certainly bring on writer's block and cause one to doubt their own creative process.

So a good cure for that is to read or do some research.

Or maybe just take some time to be with your friends and have some interchange with them.

Yes it is vital to continue to feed your brain so that it has information available to use and disseminate. It's simple and makes obvious sense but sometimes we forget the simple, obvious things.

So what's the takeaway here? Well, as writers never forget that you write because you are a writer. You love doing it and so you do it, and if you have a problem writing, don't dwell on the reasons that you are having problems writing.

Instead, focus on the fact that you are doing what you love. You are able to write and help people to learn, to find motivation, to understand themselves, to improve themselves, to be motivated to help others and any number of reasons that you were motivated to begin writing in the first place.

But, how can we get past these hurdles? How can we overcome our own self inflicted fears?

One suggestion is to use "free writing".

What is free writing? According to the University of Leicester, "The aim of free writing is to move from a blank page to some form of writing - even if it isn't related to the task in hand. The technique works by getting you to put some words on paper to release the stress of beginning the writing process."

How do you do that? Again the University of Leicester suggests: "Write as much as you can about these or any other topics that come to mind until you have an idea of something that you can write that relates to your...." information. "The important point to bear in mind here is that you can begin writing any part"... As "it doesn't have to be at the beginning, so start with any points that occur to you."

So try to forget the reasons that your having writer's block or your unable to come up with a subject or topic to write about and just remember what brought you to the decision to write in the first place.

Remember to be you and remember to share yourself with others. Remember what drove you to begin writing in the first place and you will certainly remember what it is you wanted to say, why you wanted to say it and how you wanted others to hear it.

So don't allow writing to be very, very, very difficult.

Just Write!

So in other words: if you have writer's block, just write!

Hum, sounds like a conundrum. But writing is indeed the solution. The thing to remember is that, it doesn't have to be in order, it doesn't have to be concise, it doesn't even have to be on topic, you just need to write, and by doing that, it will help you get past the problems that are blocking you and help to release the words and thoughts that are inside and just need to come out!

However, if you just can't seem to be able to write anything, maybe your tank is empty. Think about it, you can only drive so far or spend so much money till you 63

QUIBBLER INSERT

The Perfect Cardigan For Your Wee Witches and Wizards by midnightdragon

S

pring is upon us and there’s nothing better than the wonderful warm thaw after a bitter cold winter. But the transition from cold weather to warm weather is always a tricky one, some days it’s still too chilly to put away your big bulky cloaks until next winter and other days you’re sweating so much that you’re sure the world skipped Spring and plunged right into Summer (heaven forbid). In my experience, this transition is especially tricky when it comes to children! They refuse to wear coats when it’s clearly snowing outside, they are so picky about what kinds of things they’ll wear and will insist they put it on themselves and when finished it’s still hanging half off their body. My own daughter refuses to wear certain textures without throwing a massive fit, it’s utterly exhausting!

But rest assured, my lovely parents, guardians, grandparents, aunts, uncles... I have found the solution: this pattern for a knitted cardigan is just the thing for Spring and Fall! It calls for a lightweight yarn which makes the finished product silky smooth, it works in any color whether solid or striped! My picky texture daughter loves wearing her cardigan, and even enjoys using it with her stuffed animals for dress up! It knits up very quickly and it looks so professional when you’re finished,

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your friends and family will be sure you bought it at a store. It even comes with two different hem styles!

All you need are the following supplies to get started: • A set of 3.5mm double pointed needles and 24” circular needle • 1-2 skeins (300-600g depending on the size you knit) of fingering weight yarn • Tapestry needle, stitch markers, waste yarn, and buttons

Abbreviations: • • • • • • • • • • • •

k :: knit p :: purl pm :: place marker k2tog :: knit 2 stitches together as one. ssk :: Slip, slip, knit. Slip one stitch as if to knit, slip the next stitch as if to purl, knit the 2 together through the back loops. yo :: yarn over m1r :: using the left needle, pick up the horizontal strand between the needles from back to front, knit the loop you picked up through the front. m1l :: using the left needle, pick up the

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horizontal • strand between the needles from front to back, • knit the loop you picked up through the back.

• C6F :: Slip 3 sts purlwise to cable needle, hold in • front. k3 sts from left needle, k3 sts from cable • needle.

• rs :: right side • ws :: wrong side This cardigan is worked from the top down in one piece.

The button band is worked at the same time as the body, keep an eye open for the * note about button hole placement!

Instructions

Collar: • Using long tail cast on method, cast on 52 (62, 62, 72) • stitches. Work 10 rows of garter stitch collar band: • Rows 1, 3, 5*, 7 and 9: knit • Rows 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10: knit, increasing 6 stitches evenly • across row.

• *Work a buttonhole by doing k2, yo, k2tog, k1, on 5th and every following 20th row (every 10th garter ridge).

• When collar band is complete you’ll have increased 30 stitches. 82 (92, 92, 102) stitches total.

Yoke: • Next row (rs): place markers for charts and raglan sleeves as follows (this is row 1 of charts): • Size 3-6 mo: • k5, p1, k6, p1, pm, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k1, • m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1, k14, m1r,

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• •

•

•

k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k1, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, pm, p1, k6, p1, k5.

Size 6-12 mo. and 12-18 mo: k5, p1, k6, p1, pm, k2, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k3, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k16, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k3, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k2, pm, p1, k6, p1, k5.

Size 18-24 mo: k5, p1, k6, p1, pm, k4, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k5, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k18, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k5, m1r, k1, pm, p1, k6, p1, pm, k1, m1l, k4, pm, p1, k6, p1, k5.

Row 2: k5, knit the k's and purl the p's as they appear until 5 sts remain, k5 (row 2 of chart).

Row 3: k5, work row 3 of chart over next 8 stitches, *knit to 1 stitch before next marker, m1r, k1, work chartover next 8 stitches, k1, m1l, repeat from * 3 more times.

Knit to next marker, work row 3 of chart over next 8 stitches, k5.

You’ve worked 4 sets of increases (8 stitches increased total in row 3) be sure not to increase on either side of the button band - only at the ragaln markers!

Repeat these last 2 rows, working appropriate chart row between markers and remembering to work a buttonhole as indicated 14 (16, 19, 21) more times. 210 (236, 260, 286) stitches total.

Divide for sleeves: 65

QUIBBLER INSERT • Maintaining cable/lace pattern down the fronts of the cardigan only, work 34 (38, 41, 45) stitches in pattern, place next 43 (49, 55, 61) stitches on waste yarn, work 56 (62, 68, 74), place next 43 (49, 55, 61) stitches on waste yarn, work to end. 124 (138, 150, 164) stitches for body.

• Working on body stitches only and maintaining • cable/lace pattern down the fronts of the cardigan, work straight until piece measures 5 (5.5, 6, 6.5)" measured from divide for sleeves.

You may want to adjust the buttonhole spacing towards the bottom of the sweater to allow the buttons to align nicely with your hem.

• Work desired hem (see notes.)

Sleeves: • Place reserved sleeve stitches on dpns and join for working in the round, marking the center underarm as beginning of round. Knit straight for 1 ( 1.5, 1.5, 2)" then work a decrease round: k1, k2tog, k to 3 stitches before end of round, ssk, k1.

• Repeat decrease round every 5th (6th, 7h, 8th) round 5 more times. 31 (37, 43, 49) stitches,

sleeve measures 4 (5, 6, 7)" in length.

• Work desired sleeve hem edge, repeat for second sleeve.

Finishing: • Weave in ends, sew on buttons and block gently.

NOTES

Picot hem: • Row 1: with rs facing, p all sts.

• Rows 2, 3 and 4: work in stockinette st (k on rs, p on ws) • Row 5: kl, *yo, k2tog, repeat from* to end of row • Rows 6, 7 and 8: work in stockinette st (knit on rs, purl on ws) • Bind off and turn hem under, folding at yo row, sew neatly down on back side.

Garter stitch hem: • work 4 garter ridges (when working flat for body of sweater, knit every row for 8 rows, when working in the round for sleeves knit 1 row, purl 1 row, for 8 rows) bind off in purl on rs

Here is my finished product!

This garment is so versatile, your kid could wear it for a play date, a formal affair, for school...anything!

They’ll be the stylish kid this Spring, for sure!

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QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES

Ancient American Restorative Potion This potion was developed by my grandmother, Betty Campesino. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inspired both by potions originally brewed by the indigenous potion brewers of the American Southwest and the flaming hot venom secreted by ranging Peruvian Vipertooth Dragons.

My grandmother was always very proud of her potion making as she was a squib and it was her main link to the wizarding world, besides my mother.

This potion has powerful restorative properties brought on by its manipulation of the qualities of Peruvian Vipertooth venom and meat as well as those of many native magical herbs and substances. Because of the Vipertooth venom, it tends to taste quite hot. It lacks popularity in Ireland and the UK due to the region's fear of hot foods.

Ingredients

2 ounces flobberworm mucus 1 large gurdyroot, diced 1 yellow dirigible pepper 1 bubotuber, ground 1 pound Vipertooth dragon steak, ground 1/2 pound ground augury 1 tbsp ground Vipertooth fang 1/4 cup Vipertooth Venom (avoid this if you have any open cuts) 1/3 bottle of butter beer 2 cups sophorous beans 1/2 cup diced Venomous Tentacula sprouts 1/2 cup mashed firecrab eggs

Directions

1. Boil down the flobberworm mucus until it becomes less viscous. Try to approximate the thickness of water. If it starts to thicken again, immediately reduce heat and add water.

2. Add the diced gurdyroot, stirring 10 times counterclockwise.

3. Puncture the dirigible pepper and throw it in.

4. Add the full bubotuber and one pound ground Vipertooth steak and the half pound ground Augury. Sear for best results.

5. Sift in the ground Vipertooth fang. Stop if potion turns yellow. Be sure to keep it way from any open wounds.

6. Pour a third of a bottle of Butterbeer and drizzle in your sophorous beans. Stir twice 68

clockwise.

7. Finally add Venomous Tentacula and firecrab eggs. Boil for 20 hours.

Serve hot. Effects should be instantaneous and may be accompanied by drowsiness.

For squib readers wanting to approximate the recipe using non-magical means, the following recipe is extraordinarily similar in taste and texture. It is compliant with the recent Ministry degree barring squib potion making.

Ingredients

2 tablespoons olive oil 1/2 cup ketchup 1 large yellow onion, diced 1 medium yellow bell pepper, diced 3 cloves garlic, chopped 1 pound lean ground beef 1/2 pound ground turkey 1/4 cup chili powder 1 tablespoon ground cumin 3 tablespoon dried paprika Half a 12-ounce bottle beer 30-ounce canned diced tomatoes 16-ounce canned kidney beans, drained and rinsed 3 large Jalapenos, chopped Add water to achieve desired consistency Garnish to taste and cook on high for 6 hours.

This non-magical version is less effective, but highly adequate.

CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER

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QUIBBLER HOROSCOPES

HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

.ynapmoc eht etaicerppa dluow dna ylenol rehtar si eh ,detcepsus ev'uoy sA .yadirF txen trecnoc kcebraW anitseleC eht ot og ot ekil d'eh fi atsirab wollef ruoy ksA

.nwolc gnitae-hself a yllautca si eh ;skcitsmoorB eerhT eht ta teem lliw uoy nam dedaeh-der eht eraweB

.meht dexeh ehs taht rebmemer t'nseod ehS .uoy evig ot seirt ehs stop yna tpecca t'nod ,revewoH .detnahcnenu dna dellepsnu yletelpmoc era yehT .uoy sevig robhgien ruoy seirtsap eht tuoba yrrow ot deen on si erehT

GEMINI THE VEELA

LIBRA THE DRAGON

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH) .)rehtie si ti tahw wonk t'nseod ehs( eton a htiw reh ot ti nruter ot erus eB .edahsthgin yl- .yart aet a dloh ot dlo oot werg yeht retfa daed reh tfel tnua ruoy esuaceb si yletal ypeels sevle-esuoh reh liob ot ti desu ehS .ylhguoroht ti naelc uoy retfa neve ,rehtomdnarg ruoy yb artxe gnileef neeb ev'uoy nosaer ehT uoy ot tfel nordluac eht ni puos fo top a ekam ot yrt ton oD

PISCES THE MERMAN (FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

.muminim a ot esion sti peek ll'tI .skeew wef yreve elzzird etalocohc htiw nrocpop emos ti ekam ,daetsnI .raey a tsael ta rof yats ot snalp ti ,ti fo dir teg ot gniyrt rehtob t'noD .ni devom tsuj taht luohg a era citta eht ni sdnuos gniliaw wen esohT

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

LEO THE SPHINX

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

.efil ruoy fo tser eht rof s’ognuM .tS ni pu dniw ot tnaw uoy sselnu nac uoy sa ylkciuq sa noitcerid rehto eht ni nuR .stwerkS dednEtsalB fo ynoloc egral a ssorca emoc lliw uoY

.aitnetromA htiw dellif neeb evah yehT .uoy .htnom a ekat ro evig ,syad eno-ytnewt tuoba sdnes enitnelaV ruoy egakcap erac eht ni ni ffo raew lliw tI .mrahC gnilggiG gnitsaL-gnoL a htiw ti deppart-yboob sah rehtorb snordluaC etalocohC eht tae ton oD regnuoy ruoY .HTNOM SIHT TSOC YNA TA TESOLC LLAH ROOLF DNOCES EHT NEPO TON OD ,lliw ta hgual ylno ot ytiliba ruoy eulav uoy fI

70

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND) .shtnom wef a rof enola moolbrettilF dezirp ruoy evael dna siht etaicerppa yltaerg lliw semong ehT .gnirps siht sehsub ybrettulF fo debrewolf a tnalp ot erus eB

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) .daetsni eracspmuj kciuq a rof rotanoteD yoceD a esU .meht ot cigrella ylemertxe si ehs dna sgnits giwylliB dnuorg gnisu edam si tI .sezeehW gnidraziW s'yelsaeW morf tog uoy redwoP elpmiP eht htiw retsis ruoy knarp t'noD

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR (NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST) .rettilg s’yriaf a fo seitreporp evisnefed eht tuoba nrael ot tnaw t'nod uoy fi yllaicepse ,t'nod uoy esivda ylgnorts I ."tisiv" uoy emit txen eht seciffo relbbiuQ eht ot taog tep ruoy gnirb ot gninnalp er'uoy wonk I

CLASSIFIEDS QUIBBLER a Gringotts cart).

If found, please send by owl to 1818 Burbage Place, Swindon, U.K. LOST - COMMON CENTS

can’t keep up by myself ! Looking for someone who is passionate about potions and helping others!

HELP WANTED Need help changing my patronus. I'm embarrassed to be using a buzzard as my paronus. Offering a 5 Galleon reward to anyone who can help me get a sexier patronus. Ideally an Irish wolfhound.

Interested parties contact Cormac M. by owl post at 432 East Wuthering, London.

PAID TUTORING OPPORTUNITY: The O.W.Ls Tutoring Club is looking for O.W.L.s tutors over the Hogwarts summer break 2019 in all subjects, especially Potions, Arithmancy, and Muggle Studies. Anyone who has earned an E or above in an O.W.L. subject in the past six years is welcome to apply to tutor in that subject. Pay begins at 4 Galleons an hour. For more details and the application form, please send an owl to 482Y Diagon Alley.

TIRED of working for only 2 galleons an hour? Contact Howe's Minute Magics at 628 Peach Street. Pay starts at 1 galleon per hour!

Apothecary assistant needed! Must be 17 years of age or older with 20 years of experience. Apply in person at the new Madame Richomeres' Pharmagics location in Diagon Alley.

Sturdy interns, please apply! Testing new muggle technology to achieve broomless flight. Compensation negotiable, depending on number of injuries. Send owl to 980 Castle Sky Drive.

Help! Squib in need of help dealing with a Bundimuns infestation. Ministry is too busy to help a squib and my foundation is rotting away. Not much money, but would be good project for students. Can pay in baked goods.

Send owl or just show up to 729 Moon Circle.

Desperate! No pranksters!

HELP NEEDED - POTION SHOP Looking for an assistant to help me in my potions shop! Several positions are available!

Full-time preferred, but part-time positions are available. Duties include selling to customers, stocking shelves, stocking and ordering ingredients, brewing and bottling simple potions, and sending out owl orders.

If skill level is adequate, focus may be placed on brewing potions. Located in Diagon Alley, business is booming and I just

FOR SALE Selling both my ginger and tiger cat, David and Bowie because they fought over my Occamy eggs. Can't afford to see the Occamy hatchlings fight over the cats soon.

For sale: First edition Monster Book of Monsters, very aggressive, chained shut.

Needs experienced owner, not for school children.

FOR SALE: An autographed hardcover copy of Gadding with Ghouls. Book cover is worn on the edges, and the binding may have some residue glitter paint (I assure you it is glitter paint and completely absolutely glitter not from the Quibbler's resident Seer), but otherwise very good condition. Asking for at least 4 Galleons, 11 Sickles. Contact "Seller-Gaddling-with-Ghouls" via owl for more details.

Human skull used only once. 25G or best offer. Meet me near B&B in Knockturn Alley on Friday at 5pm. If you're interested, you know the spot. Serious inquiries only.

LOST AND FOUND Lost: 3 Cruppies! Lost 3 brindle crup puppies in Eton- one male two females answer to Pig, Crupcake, and Kitty.

The puppies escaped while visiting our squib cousin and her muggle husband. Afraid it's a very muggle heavy area and we are terrified that a muggle surge-yun will try to butcher their tails! Please let us know if you see them or hear anything.

20 galleon reward for their safe return!

Send owls to The Hill Place, Co. Wexford, Ireland Lost Wand!

13 & 1/2 inches, Hawthorne, Unyielding.

We took our son, Artie to Ollivanders early to get his first years supplies for school before the mad rush and he managed to drop his wand somewhere between the shop and the Leaky Cauldron (we hope it didn't fall out of

I seem to have misplaced my magical muggle money! I have these coins that are the muggle currency of whatever country you are in, but I can’t seem to find them!

They're in a brown leather sack and are worth about ten galleons. I believe I lost my common cents somewhere on the London subway while baffled by the weirdness of some people of the public. They are, uh, not completely legal, so if you find them it would be much appreciated if you kept it under the radar. Please send any information or findings by owl to Alicia Evergreen! Rewards available.

Missing owl. Responds to Jasper. Last seen on a delivery from Ottery St. Catchpole to South London. Reward if found. He was quite old and not well liked (smelly). He was quite expensive.

Contact Muriel Weasley. NO REWARD. Lost: Black cat, replies to name of Nox. If spotted please send owl to 56 Honey Grove, reward of 20 Galleons.

Walking on Dragon Alley last Friday, I found a small silver pocket watch. It seems to be enchanted to shout out made up reminders for appointments to the owner whenever they want to get out of a conversation.

The clasp is bronze in the shape of a small folded over leaf. There is a bronze tree inlaid on the cover. If you can prove it's yours by telling me the initials on the back, I'll let you have it back.

Send inquiries by owl to 1818 Widgeon Way South London.

FOUND: Destroyed Muggle-style broomstick clearly under Galloping Jinx found near fence in Calcot, Berkshire. Front section of handle hanging off a splinter. On fence: drool, blood. At base of fence: a single molar. Crudely made inscription on handle reads “Plumbus 2000”.

Something tells me rider was Muggle or preHogwarts child.

To be honest had trouble deciding if should be advertising found broomstick, found molar, or lost victim.

Please owl Sardinilia Saraswatty post-haste.

MISSED CONNECTIONS We were on the last train towards Hemingfields. You had the cutest smile and a rad black top with the Deathly Hallows symbol. I was the guy who asked you where you got those Captain Marvel sneakers. It was just an excuse to talk to you, I already 71

QUIBBLER CLASSIFIEDS have a pair at home. My stop came and I had to leave. We looked at each other as the train door closed. If you see this, send an owl to The Dancing Studio on Wawa Lane.

- Elliot Pine Missed Connections: Beautiful girl with brown hair outside Borgin and Burkeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in Knockturn Alley on the 16th of Feb, looked like she could kill a man, seemed overly gleeful with her purchase. Meet me there next Friday?

Pureblood wizard seeks pureblood witch. I've been getting lonely and want someone worthy of me to be with. Mum says I'm a real catch. And she would know since I'm writing this from her basement (1600 sqft by the way).

I'm a swinging bachelor with a beard coming in on my neck. I like to stay in mostly. I love muggle tech and browsing Reddit. Let's get to know each other easy over a butter beer. Also I like to drink. A lot. I hope you like a man who drinks a lot of firewhiskey. Come over and mom can make us some rice Krispy squares and Tang. I could show you my chocolate frog card collection, my collection of authentic katanas, or just how smart I am. Mum says I'm a genius.

Must be attractive. Strictly 9/10 or above.

REAL ESTATE Wanted: Roommate for flat in Hogsmeade. Rent is 150 Galleons per month, all utilities included, must be happy sharing home with snake and kneazle.

WANTED: Looking for reasonably quiet and tidy housemate in Hogsmeade.

Must not have snakes or kneazles because I am allergic. More about me: I recently finished at Hogwarts and am now preparing for my Healer Exams. I plan to stay in Hogsmeade for at least a year.

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AUROR LOGS QUIBBLER

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that this season, incidents were few and far in between, however were very grave. Remember to stay ever vigilant and to treat fellow Muggles with compassion.

MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL:

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES:

◊ January 20 2019 3:02AM - Reports of a domestic disturbance were called in Sleepy Hollow. MLE Patrol found two burglars unconscious thanks to the protective charms in place in the home. Burglars were taken in for questioning.

◊ January 5 2019 3:06 AM - A highly volatile potion was stolen from Flemming’s Potioneers. The potion master in charge is highly upset as this was groundbreaking and believes the competition, Flaming’s Potioneers, had something to do with it. When questioned, Flaming’s CEO who was missing an eyebrow, denied any knowledge or wrongdoing.

◊ January 25 4:09 PM - Several break ins were reported in Diagon Alley. As of yet, there are no suspects. The criminal did not leave evidence. If you have any information, please send an owl to the MLE offices. ◊ February 14 7:05 PM - MLE’s #5 most wanted wizard, Chervil Doves, apprehended in Diagon Alley’s premiere restaurant, Tres Chic. Undercover auror posed as blind date and coaxed wizard out of hiding. Doves was arrested at the door carrying magical roses and a giant talking card. ◊ February 14 8:59 PM - Altercation reported at Smiling Winky’s involving one wizard and four witches. All were taken in for questioning.

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◊ February 27 9:59 AM - Reports of a flying saucer in the muggle community ended up being a couple of teen wizards our for a joyride in their grandparents illegal flying carpet.

Carpet was confiscated and guardians were heavily fined.

A D I VISI

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◊ January 7 2019 5:50 AM - Local coffee shop was pranked by as all of their coffee supply made the drinker have blue hair. The effects were unable to be reversed immediately. ◊ February 14 8:09 AM - Startup company created new potion using illegal materials. CEO is being questioned, but all documentation has been approved by a so called Tondra Allews, Ministry official. So far, there seems to be no Tondra Allews employed at the Ministry. ◊ March 7 9:35 AM - Individual starts a fight at Smiling Winky's over a misunderstanding. States, “The elf was lookin’ a’ me funny.” The elf in question was a statue.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC: ◊ January 14 2019 7:59 PM - Domestic dispute was called in. When MLE went to investigate, witch was calmly taking out the trash. When questioned about her partner she pointed to the trash bag in hand. Wizard was transfigured back to his form and witch was taken in for questioning. ◊ January 25 2019 8:13 PM - Teen Witch caught using magic in a mug-

gle community. Guardians fined. ◊ February 14 9:56 PM - Over twenty cases of illegally brewed love potions were reported. All users were taken in for questioning and were heavily fined. All victims were sent to St. Mungo’s for immediate assistance. ◊ March 17 6:45PM - Several establishments in local community have reported leprechaun gold being used as tender. MLE is following up on leads.

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES: ◊ January 1 2019 5:03 PM - Reports of a Kneazle stuck in a tree. Feline Extraction Team was able to successfully extract the kneazle from the tree. The team suffered thankless scratches. ◊ January 31 2019 7:05 PM - The husbandry team is pleased to announce the birth of a new baby Hungarian Horntail. A poll was set up to pick a name and the winning name was Horny. Dragon is as of yet, nameless. ◊ February 14 2019 5:24 AM - Reports of an illegal cross-breeding farm were called in. A team was called to investigate and found a wizard cross-breeding several creatures unsuccessfully. Wizard was taken in for questioning and all the creatures were taken to a sanctuary.

DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES ◊ OCTOM; Muggle “policemen” ha ◊ OCTOBER 21 2:22 AM; Muggle “policemen”sdddd

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that keep our world safe.

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Matisse Enchanting Self-Portrait

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"I've read that witches and wizards enchant and teach their own portraits after it's painted. I thought I would illustrate famous painter Henri Matisse as he enchants his own selfportrait." -anne-seelmann

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Ads

Wizards Unite Artist: Rhia1

Madame Malkin's Artist:

KackelDackel

Mimbulus Mimbletonia

Artist: armyprivateoctopus99

Auror Logs Contributors: L-ily

Classifieds

Layout: KackelDackel Contributors:

blxckfire colessslaw

Im_Finally_Free wiksry SinsationalDoom Armyprivateoctopus99 Poisson8 ElphabaPfenix

Cover

Layout: KackelDackel Image: https://ya-webdesign.com/explore/towerclipart-detailed/

Crafts, Hobbies, and Brews Ancient American Restorative Potion Author: Armpyprivateoctopus99 Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: anne_seelmann

Dark Arts

HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM BECOMING THE BUTT OF A BAD APRIL FOOLS JOKES: A GUIDE TO JINXES, HEXES, AND CURSES Author: Armpyprivateoctopus99 Layout: 78

KackelDackel Cover illustration: armyprivateoctopus99 Spell Illustrations: KackelDackel

Divination

When to Conjure Your Patronus in 2019 Author: emilyolivia33 Layout: KackelDackel Illustrations: Pottermore Photo: emilyolivia33

Conjuring Your Own Future for 2019-2020 Author: emilyolivia33 Layout: KackelDackel Illustrations: Pottermore

Education

The Truth Behind April Fool's : Why We REALLY Prank Each Other Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel Rooster illustration SinsationalDoom

Muggle Life

Author: Wyatt400 Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: SinsationalDoom

Writing is Difficult

Author: RLFWriter Layout: KackelDackel Illustrations: armyprivateoctopus99 KackelDackel

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Entertainment

Not Your Grandfather's Pranks!

Author: blxckfire Layout: KackelDackel Illustrations:

SinsationalDoom

Dumbledore Seated Artist: anne_seelmann Cute Basilisks Artist: ElphabaPfenix

Magical Plants and Creatures

A Guide to Muggle Theater Etiquette

Forbidden Forest

Author: KackelDackel Layout: KackelDackel Illustration:

KackelDackel

Author: Armyprivateoctopus99 Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: Pottermore

The Archivist's Confession: A First-Hand Account of the Divination Tower Break-in Author: Wiksry Layout: KackelDackel Illustration:

Wiksry

A Gardening Instructional

An Interview with George Weasley Author: Armyprivateoctopus99 Layout: KackelDackel Illustration:

KackelDackel

Celebration of Harry Potter Not Happening

Fashion

The Perfect Cardigan for Your Wee Witches and Wizards Author: Midnightdragon Layout: KackelDackel Photo: Midnightdragon Pattern:

Tanis Fiber Arts https://www.tanisfiberarts.com/ blog/2011/04/sunnyside-baby-sweater.html Background texture:

Lost and Taken

Independent Artwork Matisse Enchanting Self-Portrait Artist: anne_seelmann

Author: drpepperslut Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: KackelDackel

News and Features

Author: Rhia1 Layout: KackelDackel Photo:

Universal Studios https://www.universalorlando.com/webdata/ k2/en/us/files/Images/universal-hagrids-magicalcreatures-motorbike-adventure-a.jpg

Is the Secret Out?

Author: Rhia1 Layout: KackelDackel

Public Safety Alert! Lethifolds at the Ministry Author: armyprivateoctopus99 Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: armyprivateoctopus99

The Final Mystery Author:

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QUIBBLER CREDITS ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: SinsationalDoom

Muggle Mischief in Review: Could Sell Fones Be the next Muggle Machine in Your Wizarding Home?

Author: armyprivateoctopus99 Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: KackelDackel

QUIBBLER ARCHIVIST IN HOT WATER FOR MASS DESTRUCTION IN MADAM STARFLASHâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S OFFICE! Author: wiksry Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: wiksry Paper texture:

Lost and Taken

Travel

Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For: Central Africa Edition

Author: Eldis_ Research: https://africa-facts.org/top-nigerian-snacks/ http://www.foodbycountry.com/Algeria-to-France/ Cameroon.html http://www.congocookbook.com/snack_ recipes/ngalakh.html https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/ miriamberger/ethiopian-food http://www.somalikitchen.com/shushumowsomali-crystallised-pastry-shells.html/#more-1253 http://www.somalikitchen.com/macsharoyariis-mini-rice-and-coconut-cakes.html/#more-873 http://sahanjournal.com/somali-sweets-desserts/#.

XGceC-hKg2w http://www.somalikitchen.com/category/ sweets/ https://migrationology.com/kenyan-food/ https://delishably.com/world-cuisine/30Foods-You-should-eat-in-Kenya. https://beyondbabeesh.com/food-in-uganda/ https://i2-x.org/rwandan-food-part-1-snacks80

street-food-908ad8d7e9ad https://answersafrica.com/tanzania-foods. html https://www.atlasobscura.com/foods/ ubuyu-zanzibar-baobab-candy https://www.africanbites.com/accracassavakouti-cassava-fritters/ https://www.196flavors.com/republic-ofthe-congo-peanut-butter-mousse/ Layout: KackelDackel Akara photo:

African Bites https://www.africanbites.com/wp-content/ uploads/2016/12/IMG_4746.jpg Fufu photo:

The Spruce Eats https://www.thespruceeats.com/thmb/ WM8qyJi6cU80HKnPJwluw1FY89w=/960x0/ filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_ icc():format(webp)/Fufu-GettyImages-14869778759893e3dd088c00011a31aad.jpg Shushumow photo:

All Recipes https://images.media-allrecipes.com/ userphotos/560x315/5025138.jpg Chapati photo:

African Bites https://www.africanbites.com/wp-content/ uploads/2017/06/IMG_8537.jpg Accra Cassava photo:

African Bites https://africanbites.com/wp-content/ uploads/2014/01/IMG_5182-2.jpg Peanut Butter Mousse photo:

Wishes N Dishes https://wishesndishes.com/images/2016/08/ Creamy-Peanut-Butter-Mousse-Recipe-2.jpg

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