The Quibbler - Fall 2016

Editor-In-Chief Divination Dept Head

Starflashfairy

Great Hall Managing Editor

Jefreem

Gryffindor Managing Editor Human Resources Manager

Rissajo685

Hufflepuff Managing Editor Classifieds Dept Head

L-ily

Ravenclaw Managing Editor Entertainment Dept Head

Moostronus

Slytherin Managing Editor

Elbowsss

Production Manager Art Dept Head

Mathy16

Castles & Burrows Dept Head

Curae

Crafts, Brews & Hobbies Dept Head

Marx0r

Dark Arts Dept Head

MacabreGoblin Fashion Dept Head

Srslywtfdood

Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head

Sparkas

News & Features Dept Head

theDUQofFRAT Sports Dept Head

Elphabaisfae Travel Dept Head

BlackBeltBob

dakeirhtnanbe

eufnaheyahdneiehen

ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

k s e D ’s r o t i d E e Th Greetings, dear readers!

s magnificent magazine rking tirelessly to create thi wo n bee e hav ler ibb Qu We at the years. (Well, he stopped n Manager hasn’t slept in ctio du Pro r Ou sly. iou for you. Ser story.) g here, but that’s another sleeping long before arrivin we’ve had the occasional our work seriously. Sure, e tak we r, ble uib eQ Th Here at /r/ htly dangerous sometimes. chaotic. They’re even slig le litt a are ces offi r ou say it’s the opposite. fire. Maybe e what we do. In fact, I’d lov n’t do we an me ’t esn But that do confusion about rules and And yes, we’ve had some . ful ess str s wa ek we in blood just makes me want So moveneed for a blanket ban on ole wh the lie, n’t wo I space ended, and we got regulations. ce the fighting over office on t Bu . off gs win n ow , HR!), things started to to pull my building seminar (thank you ork mw tea g on ekl we r ng press! They’re living through ou n Nargles out of the printi dar se tho t go n eve We y. mistletoe berries. go smoothl ongst a large collection of am w, no ce offi my in ly comfortab if olutely need to stop. And p. Yes, the explosions abs sha mi al e. on fic asi Of l occ rol the Pay e We still hav e to move into the in the Tower I will just hav I’d never change a thing I find one more tarantula is, insane my staff I know w ho t pas k loo I en wh l, rampant. And Production’s But overal the pyromania that runs ybe ma t cep Ex m. the of about any bloodlust. had Summoned the Holypicked a better team if I e hav t no ld cou I . ugh I might start sounding like For real, tho to dish out some thanks. d nee ely nit defi I So es. y’s Most Charming head Harpi for his fourth Witch Weekl ion ept rec the at art ckh Lo my beloved it!

Smile Award, but it’s worth t you came into this projec ctacular and I am so glad spe are s ut guy ho wit you l, rs, rol ito Pay Managing Ed (relatively) sane. rking with me has kept me with me. Having you all wo uld have lost my wings com wo I ing it for me), do ad: (re p is hel Th th . ma ess cel us your evil-geni d man, you are pri nager, my brilliant right-han your pletely! My Production Ma nt, and of course that of tale r gely due to you lar it’s and art my , of rk HR wo ul. a magazine is dit CSS, is wonderf who provided our subred are amazing. I love you all Assistant. My Web-Wizard, tan e. My lovely Assis t, you abl alu inv n bee ’ve you any of you. Thank you strongar m, t have managed without no ld cou and ch mu y ver so all so much. ven your worth, ent Editors, you’ve all pro To my talented Departm you’ve done to r. I appreciate everything and I could not be happie Freelancers, To my Department Staff, get this issue out on time. nt content, you guys and your excelle and Contributors: without Thank you . ine. You’re all so awesome we’d really have no magaz for everything. to give you guys a of /r/HarryPotter, I want Finally, to the moderators ject. Without you guys, the chance to head this pro me ing giv for s nk tha l specia and my team. ank you for believing in me Th ler. ibb Qu no be uld there really wo Don’t let the Muggles get

you down!

Madam Starflash

dakeirhtnanto

eufnaheyahdneiehen

ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

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THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34845 SEPTEMBER 2016 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

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WELCOME TO THE VERY FIRST ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER. BELOW IS AN OVERVIEW OF EVERYTHING YOU CAN FIND IN THIS ALL NEW EDITION OF THE QUIBBLER! WE HOPE YOU FIND THE EXPERIENCE BOTH ENLIGHTENING AND ENTERTAINING! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

11 Elbowsss Ventures Into The Pit 23 Interview with Newt Scamander 41 In Memoriam: Luis Vielma We mourn the loss and celebrate the life of one of our own.

Star-reporter Elbowss discovers the hidden secrets of our most famous Hogwarts personel!

EXCLUSIVE: We went one-on-one with the famous magizoologist. Read now!

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 06

Sports. ...................................................... 58

Travel....................................................... 15

Crafts, Brews And Hobbies..................... 61

Dark Arts................................................. 20

Fashion..................................................... 72

Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 40

Art............................................................ 81

Divination................................................ 48

Horror-Scopes......................................... 82

Castles And Burrows............................... 52

Puzzles And Games.................................. 83

Entertainment. ....................................... 54

Classifieds................................................ 87

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STAFF:

Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Jefreem, Elbowsss, L-ily, Moostronus, Rissajo685 Administration: Rissajo685, RoastedPeanut7, Marx0r, Mathy16, Csatvtftw, Dagrock Art: Mathy16, Ashlifires, Glazier-Heat, jakegiddensart, K9Centipede, MidnightDragon, Seekaterun Castles & Burrows: Curae Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews & Hobbies: Marx0r, Emojiravenpuff, Freckles42 Dark Arts: MacabreGoblin, slytherw1n_ Divination: Starflashfairy Entertainment: Moostronus, Kyera, Mcj545, Marsthemush Fashion: Srslywtfdood, Maritown, Stripperkitty Magical Plants & Creatures: Sparkas, Amethyst93, Melissalovesweasley, xboxg4mer News & Features: Theduqoffrat, Brosefstalin98, Ccalipha, chiaKmc, HellishMinds Sports: Elphabaisfae, Dep61, Heyster_Prynnes_Pride Travel: BlackBeltBob, Haady Freelance: BodhiGMK, Capitolprostitute, Dancingonfire, Era626, Hourglass-Dolphin, K1LL3RP3NNY, Kiwias, Metalkeirsolid, Readlovegrow, Roshielle, Vegangamerr Contributors: Hyperwackodragon, Kemistreekat, Rackik

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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

Sprouting Strong Best known for her expertise in Herbology, former Head of Hufflepuff House, Pomona Sprout has just today unveiled her Diagon Alley greenhouse.

Pomona Sprout in her Hogwarts days

WRITTEN BY K1LL3RP3NNY

W

hen asked why she'd waited so long in order to think of such a project, she simply cited "nurturing young minds was my priority during my time at Hogwarts." Since her time at Hogwarts came to an end ten years ago, Sprout spent time working closely with former student, and newly minted Professor, Neville Longbottom. Sprout consulted him for advice on what plants to include, and the best way to attract young witches and wizards to stop in and, quite literally, smell the roses.

Christened “Sprouting Strong”, the young shop’s Grand Opening was a smash hit with plant lovers and young students alike. Both aforementioned groups are absolutely overjoyed to see Diagon Alley just a little more green these days.

Alongside her various plants, Pomona also teaches classes on how to properly plant and tend for a lush garden, something she hopes will further attract younger audiences more curious about the topic of Herbology. She happily provides her services free of charge, simply wanting to help further develop potential plant lovers, perhaps before they even have a chance to attend classes at Hogwarts.

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When asked why she refuses to charge the young students and bypassers alike for her plants, I was given this response, “I’m not in it for the money, my dear. I can live comfortably thanks to my work at Hogwarts, and this is my way of giving back to the generations I helped, and future ones as well.”

Her granddaughter, Poppy, manages the shop alongside her, and together, the pair make quite the team, and while everyone knows that the shop shall one day fall on Poppy’s graceful shoulders, they are more than happy to spend time with Pomona as well, and it seems as though the entirety of the Alley has embraced her as the grandmother they never had.

It seems, despite the horrors that the magical community has endured over the last decade, nothing can completely cripple it. And thanks in part to Madam Sprout and her lovely assistant, not only does our world seem to be repairing itself slowly yet surely, but is definitely sprouting strong. We have risen out of the ashes of our troubled past, and peace and prosperity have finally returned into the hearts and home of the wizards and witches of this world, and we are surely all thankful for it.

this is my way of giving back to the generations I helped, and future ones as well

QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

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NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

Supersizing St. Mungo's WRITTEN BY DANCINGONFIRE

Recently the Ministry of Magic realized that St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries had a few shortcomings in its treatments. In an effort to best serve the wizarding community of Great Britain, the hospital has now created two new floors in order to expand the services that they provide. The Ministry commissioned several top wizards to cast the Undetectable Extension Charm on the Muggle department store once again, creating these new wards.

The newly created 6th floor has been designated for veterinary purposes. On this floor, wizarding families can bring any magical creature for treatment. Was the family owl injured in the last storm? Did your daughter find a Kneazle with a thorn in it’s paw?

Did something unspeakable happen to your firebreathing duck? You can now take problems such as these to the 6th floor of St. Mungo’s where specially trained Healers can tame these beastly troubles.

Creature-related injuries, such as dragonfire burns or doxy bites, will still be taken care of on the 1st floor.

The 7th floor has been outfitted as a wonderfully, welcoming environment housing a rehabilitation center for witches and wizards struggling with any kind of addiction. The Healers on this floor specialize in the psychiatric aspects of healing while still being proficient in physical healing. There are many individual rooms on this floor that can be charmed to the resident’s needs. There are also several common areas where family members and friends can visit. There are future plans in place for strays brought into the veterinary ward to aid in the recovery process.

Both new wards were completed in July and are now open for use, however on September 10th, there will be a dedication ceremony. The 6th floor will be appropriately named the Rubeus Hagrid Ward after the famous Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts who also served a stint as the Care of Magical Creatures professor at the same. The 7th floor will be named the Mundungus Fletcher Addiction Recovery Ward, as we all know good 'ole Dung has exceptionally sticky fingers.

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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

The Time-Turner Vault A Letter From A Young Snake WRITTEN BY CAPITOLPROSTITUTE

M

y first foray into the Harry Potter fandom was via Neopets. I know, I know what you’re thinking “Neopets? What is she, fourteen?!” Well, I was thirteen. A silly thirteen-year-old girl who loved Harry Potter and was eagerly awaiting the release of the final Harry Potter book.

So I joined Neopets, and I started playing games, accumulating points, and buying nonsensical things. And my mother always warned me not to talk to internet strangers or give any of my personal information. I used a fake name and birthday and have been locked out of my account for going on three years.

But in the good old days of my active play, I had one thing that set my Neopets experience apart from others; I was part of a guild. And not just any guild (though it is an easy guess which one): a Harry Potter guild. And similar to our Reddit boards, we did activities and played games, fought for the house cup, and talked about our crazy theories for what the final book would bring.

And I made friends and discovered fanfiction, found my way onto a roleplay website, and eventually had this brilliant piece posted in our weekly guild newsletter: “‘Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your true friends, those cunning folk use any means to achieve their ends.’ It has been more than two years since the Sorting Hat first placed me into Slytherin. I was once in a guild by the name of Accio Potere, run by Tambra141, though you know her as Stella. In my heart I always knew that I was a Slytherin.

I was smart, talented, beautiful, and

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clever. Perfect in every way. Not. To be a real Slytherin you don’t need to be any of those meaningless things.

Being a Slytherin is about who you are, not how you act.

A Slytherin is always loyal to her true friends. They will do anything to help them. If someone is hurting or threatening them a true Slytherin will take the bullet. I know that some of you believe that Slytherins are evil, conniving people. In reality that is not true. Saying that all Slytherins are evil is the same as saying all Ravenclaws are smart or all Gryffindors are brave. Throughout my life as being a Slytherin I have met some good people and some bad people.

In reality Slytherins have just gotten a lousy stereotype. Just because we are willing to do whatever we want doesn’t make us bad people.

The most important quality that a Slytherin must have is ambition.

Ambition is what drives people to get what they want. A true Slytherin must do whatever it takes to get what they want. They must let nothing stand in their way. Even if it takes cheating, lying, or other things that someone else might think of as wrong nothing, nothing can stand in a Slytherins’ way.

I am a Slytherin. I have known I would be one from the first time

I picked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone when I was seven.

The house embodies power, desire, passion, some might call it evil. I like to think of it more as, when I want something, I get it! Being Slytherin is a part of my life. It is who I am, inside and out. I am Slytherin.”

I stumbled upon it trying to get back into my old Neopets account (no luck there yet) and couldn’t help but smile. The assurance that fourteenyear-old me felt at being a Slytherin was as strong then as it is now. And I couldn’t have known back then the challenges my life would take over the next fourteen years. The heartbreak, the falls, the twists and turns.

But I knew that I had to be strong, and I knew that I had to fight for what I wanted and fight for what I have. Time and time again I have stood proud as a Slytherin, both on the internet and in real life, defending my house from its negative reputation. And I will continue to do so until the end because I have known since I was eight who I was.

I am excited for the next ten years, and I hope one day to stumble upon this piece as well. I look forward to the future now with confidence that I can make my dreams come true because ‘…nothing can stand in a Slytherin’s way.’

NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

LUIS VIELMA IN MEMORIAM

BY MARSTHEMUSH

O

n June 12, 2016, wizards and muggles alike were horrified by the murder of 49 people at an Orlando, Florida nightclub. It was the deadliest mass shooting by a single suspect in U.S. history. Tragically, one of the wizarding world’s brightest stars, Luis Vielma, was among the fallen.

Luis Vielma, only 22 years old, was a talented wizard who worked at the Harry Potter ride at Universal Studios Orlando while attending college to become an Emergency Medical Technician.

Vielma’s family describes him as “a kind-hearted individual, who always saw the good in people.”

In their statement to the Quibbler and other press agencies, the family went on to say: “While we mourn the loss of a very good person, we also will celebrate his life and hope that it serves as a reminder why, we are stronger together as a nation, than we are apart. Lastly, for those wanting to know what they can do to honor our brother Luis, our request would be that you extend a helping hand to someone in need, say please and thank you, be polite, listen with an open heart and mind, be slow to anger. Our family thanks you for all of the love and support! We do not feel alone in this process.

With Love For All!”

"we are stronger together than we are apart"

Even J.K. Rowling, the famed wizarding world biographer, was moved, tweeting in reference to the fallen wizard, “I can't stop crying.”

On June 13, 2016, wizards and muggles gathered in Universal Studios’ Wizarding World to remember Vielma. Together, they raised their wands in homage.

Please take a moment to raise your wands as well, to mark the passing of our brother wizard. We at the Quibbler ask our readers to also take the family’s message to heart.

Extend your hand to someone in need, with love for all, for we are stronger together than we are apart!

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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

MARSTHEMUSH

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES THE RISE OF HOGWARTS’ FIRST HEADMASTER UNVEILED

An astounding document has been found hidden in a statue of the first Headmaster of Hogwarts! The discoverer, the famed archeomageologist Kinsey Rayford, granted the Quibbler an exclusive interview.

“We found it after the statue was damaged during the Battle of Hogwarts,” said Rayford, cleaning nonexistent dust from his spectacles.

“We’ve used preservation charms to let us read the delicate pages for the first time in decades. It’s the story of Diarmad MacAndrews, apparently the first Headmaster of Hogwarts!”

Rayford gushed with enthusiasm as he let Quibbler journalists see a few of the precious pages.

“The author says that since none of Hogwarts’ founders chose to become Headmaster or Headmistress, classes were taught for some time without anyone in charge. Can you imagine? But in the mid-11th century a ruthless warrior named MacBeth began to gather power in Northern Scotland.

It describes him as ‘murderously ambitious.’ Pretty strong language for the time, if you ask me.” “‘With MacBeth forming an army,” said Rayford, putting on his itty bitty spectacles to translate the archaic writing, “it became clear to the witches and wizards of Scotland that ‘Hogwarts needed a protector.’”

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Rayford turned the page and pointed to a picture of three lovely witches. “These are the ‘Weird Sisters.’ Clearly Shakespeare got something wrong; they’re gorgeous! Anyhow, the triplet Divination professors told Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Diarmad MacAndrews, that they had... what was it?” Rayford put his face near the picture to read the fine print below. “Oh yes, ‘met MacBeth upon a hill and prophesied him becoming King of Scotland.’ ” “Now,” said Rayford, wild hand movements accentuating his scholarly excitement, “In the prophecy, they saw war engulfing all of Scotland, and Hogwarts with it! To protect Hogwarts, MacAndrews asked to be made Headmaster. He promised to find a way to hide Hogwarts from muggle eyes, since it was at that time visible to all. Everyone thought this was an excellent idea, so MacAndrews was elected Headmaster without opposition.”

NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

Headmaster Diarmad MacAndrews, the first Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was previously the professor of Defense Agains the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. The threat of MacBeth was the initial cause for the election of Hogwarts' very first Headmaster.

“During the next few years,” said Rayford, “Headmaster MacAndrews brought many witches and wizards to Hogwarts to train for the prophesied war. MacAndrews also taught strong Defensive Charms to the professors and, with some trial and error, developed the Unplottable Charm. With these spells, MacAndrews and the professors made Hogwarts invisible to the muggle world.”

Rayford tried ineffectively to pat down his fluff of downy white hair but got distracted by the pages. “Finally things came to a head at the battle of Elgin, when MacBeth killed King Duncan, making MacBeth King.

Having seen the first part of the prophecy come true, MacAndrews hoped to convince MacBeth to rule peacefully.

Since this was before the 1689 International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy, MacAndrews sent the Weird Sisters to MacBeth to see if their prophecies of upcoming war and death could stop him.”

The archeomageologist pointed again at the picture of the sisters, careful not to actually touch his precious pages. “The Sisters went to MacBeth and said, ‘Though no man of woman born can kill you nor can you die until the woods of Birnam to Dunsinane walk, beware Malcolm, son of Duncan.’ This of course is a bit different than Shakespeare’s ‘beware MacDuff, Thane of Fife,” but then Shakespeare obviously took liberties.

Anyway, MacBeth ignored the

Sisters and took the prophecy as proof of his invincibility. So, MacBeth kept on killing because, why not?”

“MacAndrews urged witches and wizards to join Malcolm’s army,” Rayford went on. “The journal says that ‘every professor, many Hogwarts alumni, and MacAndrews himself went to the battle of Lumphanen.’

Together, they made the woods of Dunsinane walk using a variant of the Piertotum Locomotor spell. With the woods as concealment, Malcolm, who had been born via cesarean, cornered and beheaded MacBeth on the battlefield, putting an end to a long and deadly reign.”

Rayford showed a picture of a robust wizard holding a shield emblazoned with the four Hogwarts house crests. “This is MacAndrews. He continued on as Headmaster until the ripe old age of 92, dying just prior to William the Conqueror’s invasion. Due to the charms and spells cast on Hogwarts, the school weathered the invasion successfully.”

Quibbler writers note that it is thanks to Headmaster MacAndrews that Hogwarts continues to be a haven for witches and wizards throughout the British Isles, hidden from view and protected from outside interference. Work continues on preserving the journal and restoring the statue of the man who scholars now presume is Hogwarts’ First Headmaster, Diarmad MacAndrews.

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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that recent events have been less severe and he is happy to report that crime is declining. The London area is safer than ever. Please be reminded that at no time should any Witch or Wizard perform magic in front of a Muggle.

MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL ◊ 7/4- Illegal duel takes place after a local party. Spectators turned into eagles and apple pies. Perpetrators taken into custody. ◊ 7/15- Reports of death eater sightings in small community.

Investigation turns up muggle teens with realistic death eater tattoos. Taken very seriously. ◊ 7/31- London celebrates Hero Harry Potter’s birthday. ◊ 7/31-Muggle book coincides with Potter party. Results are mixed.

MISUSE OF MUGGLE ARTIFACTS ◊ 7/4-Muggle fireworks are enchanted to shout, “AMERICA!” and sold to unsuspecting muggles. Entire town obliviated. ◊ 8/19- Dancing “skeleton” decorations attack a nearby muggle town. Muggles obliviated. ◊ 8/25- Talking pumpkins scare sleepy town resulting in several deaths near bridge.

GICAL LAW MA E

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES ◊ 7/4- Over 10 counts of alcohol poisoning called in. Promptly rushed to St. Mungos. ◊ 7/18- Suspect selling counterfeit Felix-felicis taken into custody. Victims turned into toads instead. ◊ 7/20- Party with minors and various legal and illegal substances is shut down. Parents called in. ◊ 8/16- Drunk wizard is seen flying through the air by muggles, dressed up as Santa Claus.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE ◊ 7/15- Wizard opens Haunted House in Muggle residential area with a boggart in the home. Muggles subjected to boggart have been taken to St. Mungos and the wizard is in custody. ◊ 7/19-Child accidentally causes “power” outage in nearby community. Muggles confused by events.

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES ◊ 7/04- A report of blast ended skrewt causing havoc called in from Hogsmeade. Department dispatched to apprehend skrewts. ◊ 7/15- Nifflers spotted in Gringott’s. Goblins very upset and threatening to close down.

Nifflers are scurrying away with gold. ◊ 7/23- Reports of killer bunnies have been called in. Investigation turns up an abandoned town with a sign stating population as zero in blood red ink. ◊ 8/01- Reports of illegal baby dragon near Hogwarts. Hagrid called in for questioning. ◊ 8/16- Merpeople and Sirens have a “peace party”. Ends in several missing muggles. ◊ 8/19- Elves take to protesting outside of the Ministry of Magic for “continued mistreatment of Elves”. Aurors called in to keep the peace.

N

EPARTME * D NT

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EMENT * RC FO N

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Administrative Registration Department, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for E O the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive DI A D I VISI Spells, and all others that keep our world safe.

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TRAVEL QUIBBLER

An American Witch in New Zealand

Things are different Down Under. Everyone always jokes that the water runs backwards in the southern hemisphere, but the things that really throw you off are a bit more jarring yet less known than that. Walking on the other side of the road, playing quidditch, and just the slang terms in general really throw me off while here.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love New Zealand.

Living in Wellington at the moment is a dream. Did you know that the Ministry of Magic is also underground here like in London? It’s right under the beehive building (there’s an entrance in the back) and it’s been so fun volunteering to help out there.

Apart from working in the Ministry, weird that they even call it that and not just the regular government, I’ve made a ton of new friends and learned how to play quidditch. Quidditch is a popular sport in England and apparently in the rest of the Commonwealth as well. It’s like Muggle rugby!

There’s also a really cute boy here that I’ve met, but I can’t for the life of me understand his accent. Yes, they speak English but really it’s the New Zealand English because their accents are so damn thick.

That’s all for now, I’ll write more later, promise!

- Kiwias -

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QUIBBLER TRAVEL

Marco Polo PART 1

In this series of articles, we follow into the footsteps of famous witches and wizards from the past, to see where their journeys brought them. We compare what was with what is, and we try to show what their daring, sometimes harebrained schemes were. In our first series, we travel back more than 700 years into the past and show the miraculous story of a famous Beauxbatons alumni from the city state of Venice: Marco Polo.

Imagine, if you will, a large european city in the middle ages, built on small islands that are connected to each other with bridges of varying sizes. The canals and rivers are all lined with warehouses that are literally standing with their feet in the water. The residents wind their way knowingly through a maze of alleys no foreigner can navigate without a map. Frigates and privateers sail from the harbour fully loaded with horses, rations, and sailors, all anxiously praying to their gods.

My visit to the San Marco square is blessedly short though, as I quickly hop onto a water bus and speed off to the much quieter church across the water.

After disembarking, I walk up to the edge of the water and sit down on the stone surface smoothed by buttochs uncounted. The water gently lapping beneath my dangling feet, I take a moment to admire how beautiful Venice is.

Now imagine droves of tourists milling about around yourself; sweaty overweight Germans with heavy accents, rapidly talking Frenchmen that point this way and that, and above all: excited asians that cut in line in front of you.

Top that with a sweltering 30 degrees Celcius (90 degrees Fahrenheit) temperature and a non-existing breeze, and you will experience my whereabouts: Piazza San Marco a Venezia.

Venice has been a tourist hot-spot for over a century now, drawing people from all over the world with tales of romance, love, and mysticism. Standing at the San Marco square and looking at the many salesmen of brightly flashing toys, I feel little of that promised mysticism. In fact, Venice, for just a brief moment, feels distinctly unmagical: quite a feat considering the considerable magical community that resides there (and not to mention the many Vampires roaming the streets at night).

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For Venice is beautiful, regardless of the fact that it is brimming with tourists. There is a raw magic here; and one can feel it with every ray of sunshine reflected by the ever-shifting waters.

It permeates the mortar that holds the bricks of the warehouses together,

and seeps from the gnarled trees in the parks. This is an old city, and sitting alone on its hard surface, waiting for my companion for tonight, I feel a little closer to the past.

I’m going to spend this year retracing the journey of one of the greatest travellers from our past: Marco Polo. Famous for bringing the first living Chinese Fireball back to Europe, Marco Polo’s exploits were even noticed by Muggles, who perceived him as an explorer and merchant. Polo’s story begins here, in the place of his birth.

“Good afternoon”, says a light, friendly voice from behind my back, “You are the reporter?”“Yes,” I say, turning around to find my guide, a short Italian woman dressed in a part of smart pants and a violet tank top. She is very attractive, but as often with purebloods, she too slipped up a little when dressing as a muggle; she’s wearing flippers on her feet. After tactfully pointing out her mistake (flippers aren’t shoes, readers!

Muggles use them for swimming), she plops down next to me and while removing her footwear tells me that she’s managed to get me exclusive tickets to tonight’s event: the largest wizarding festival on mainland Europe: the Venetian carnival.

“Is your outfit ready?” my guide asks me. “Almost,” I say, feeling a little foolish, “I seem to have forgotten to buy a mask.” “Not a problem. I think there is a mascherari nearby.”

TRAVEL QUIBBLER

A quick inquiry reveals that a mascherari is a mask-maker. For a moment, I picture myself in one of the tourist shops, rifling through stacks of masks and shudder. When I (hesitatingly) express my dislike for them, my guide assures me that no muggle tourist has ever set foot in this shop.

She proceeds to lead me along a winding and often confusing walk through the small alleys of Venice; a route I will not be able to replicate on my own. After what felt like the hundredth turn, we arrive at the display of a small shop. An unassuming sign above the door reads: “Rodolpho Borghese, Quality Masks since 1332”. As I enter the shop I realize all my fears about tourists were drowned. I felt like a little boy standing in the middle of a broom shop! Masks! Masks everywhere. Golden masks that looked disapprovingly down their noses at me. Small white masks on sticks which winked seductively. Frilly pink masks with long, hooked noses. Severe masks with bird-like beaks. My eyes caught two black masks on a top shelf gossiping with each other, while three rows down, a violently green mask was trying to get my attention by enthusiastically shaking the many bells hung from it.

“Ti piace qualcuno di loro?”It is the proprietor of the store, an elderly man with a cane. His hands are covered with flecks of white mush. My guide quickly translates for me, and, through her, I tell him I do like the masks, and add that I am very impressed. He beams at me, and instantly starts jabbering off in Italian, his hands flying this way and that, pointing at several different masks in turn. Marco Polo was rumoured to have been much like this old man, a

captivating orator and inspiring personality. He was also a very gifted trader, and after earning a small fortune in trading in spices, focussed his sights on Asia. As we are all taught in History of Magic, the two continents of Europe and Asia did not mix in those days. It had been centuries since the last Europeans had been admitted to the Asian heartlands by the Indo-China Wizarding Council.

Polo sent dozens of letters asking for permission to enter the country, but none of them were ever answered by more than a brusque “No”.

Polo decided to employ different tactics. He hired a team of muggle explorers to join him in an expedition into Asia. He announced the trip among both his peers, and the muggles (whom the Italians call Babbano), even going so far as to visit an old muggle called the “Pope” and confunding him to give Polo his blessings. What possible benefit an old muggle’s blessings were eludes me, but it did make Polo’s expedition known to all the country.

I am shaken from my ponderings when the guide asks me if there are any masks that I would like to try on.

I silently prowl through the small shop until my eyes fall on a smooth, undecorated silvery mask. It is grinning. The shopkeeper immediately recognises my interest and darts forward, taking the mask and exclaiming about it in rapid Italian.

“It is charmed,” my guide explains, while the old man slips the mask in front of my face, “to say indecent things to the people you are facing.”

I gaze at my reflection for a moment, marvelling at the quality and attention of detail in the mask.“Tell him it is marvellous,” I say, turning to my

guide, “An absolute-” “Se si è divertente come sei bella, ti passare tutto il giorno a ridere,” says the mask suddenly. Taken aback for a moment, I stare as my guide suddenly blushes furiously. The shopkeeper barks out a laugh as he pulls the mask away from my face again.

When asked what it had said, my guide became singularly interested in a stack of hiccuping masks.Leaving the shop with my completed outfit on, my guide checks her watch and curses rapidly in Italian. She tells me we’re running late, and will probably miss the start of the carnival. Breaking nearly into a run, she hurtles back through the winding streets and over the stone bridges, while I desperately try to keep up. She is remarkably fast for such a short woman.

We arrived (panting) at the casino, the traditional location for the carnival, fully dressed in our outfits.

My mask has made two additional remarks in Italian by now, one to an young boy with his finger up his nose, and another to my guide, who looked both startled and flattered by whatever it had said. As we hand our tickets to the wardens at the door, I ask her if the mask is not being too crude or childish. “Nonsense,” she says, “The masks are supposed to hide your identity. You can say or do anything you wish. I doubt anyone will be offended by it.”

Once inside, I realize the magnitude and scope of the carnival. There must be over a thousand people in the vast hall, which is illuminated by a vast number of chandeliers, many of which sport at least one cherub.

A large figure in black passes me by, wearing a mask unmistakably resembling a vampire.

17

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

For the witch and wizard that enjoys traversing the Outdoors. Not for the faint of heart, or the feeble-b this regular series of articles digs into the undisc paradises of our world. Don’t expect to be served m while sunbathing at the clubhouse when visiting places; it’s all mud and toil from the 18

e Great bodied, covered martinis g these get-go.

TRAVEL QUIBBLER

IN AN OLD PAIR OF

WELLIES In this issue: SCOTLAND

O

ne has to be very careful when writing travelling advice about Scotland for a number of reasons. The most obvious one of these is that of all the countries of Great Britain, it is perhaps the most untamed and free. An unsuspecting witch or wizard might find their expensive designer tent slowly sinking into Scotland’s many bogs and quagmires, or get caught on top of a mountain during a storm.

But while Scotland’s dangers might disillusion some, it draws others. The Highlands have long lured adventurous witches and enterprising wizards wanting catch a glimpse of the natural wonders of this rough-but-beautiful country; a region not know for its forgiveness but wellloved for its breathtaking vistas.

Standing on a mountaintop looking out over a lightly forested valley one finds an equilibrium and serenity that is lacking in the orderly monotony that is the civilized world. Here, one can still imagine oneself as one of our ancestors; proudly exploring the uncharted. Here, one can sense the old magic that resides in the roots of mountains. Here, a plate of sausages is kingly meal.

But here, one must also be aware of mountain trolls, whose thick skins are hard to penetrate by magic, and

which roam in bands unchecked.

Here too, one must always keep an ear in the wind to listen for the roar of dragons (which might not be as common as they once were, but do still get sighted regularly). And here also are the magical forests, whose dark magics are strong and pervasive.

Though Scotland is most easily explored on a broomstick, the authentic experience almost screams that you should really be walking.

There’s a meditative quality to returning to nature. Breathing in the fresh air that blows in your face with the force of a gale, you will find yourself exhaling those worries about the dwindling supply of Galleons in your vault that have kept you up at night for months. The rain soaking through your moleskin coat will wash away your insecurities about talking to that attractive co-worker in the office across from yours. The biting cold at night might inspire you to add that elusive ingredient to your potion that will turn your potion-of-lameness into a potion-of-lucrative-success.

Scotland. We’ve all visited it before at least once, but have any of us really experienced it? Sensed its soul and touched its potential?

Find the guide on How to Survive a Kelpie Attack on page 40!

19

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

MACABREGOBLIN

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DARK ARTS QUIBBLER q w e r t y u i o p a s d f g h j k l z x c v b n m q a z w s x e d c r f v t g b y h n u j m i k o l p

IN THIS EDITION OF MOSTE POTENTE POTIONS

Cauldron Cleansing Solution p l o k i m j u n h y b g t v f r c d e x s w z a q m n b v c x z l k j h g f d s a p o i u y t r e w q

ABOUT THIS POTION Halloween approaches, and with it comes peak potion-making season! As we concoct our elixirs, unguents, brews, and poisons, we must always remember the importance of keeping a clean cauldron.

As you know, most potion residue can be removed with a simple wave of your wand. But for those particularly nasty poisons that pit your pewter and bubble your brass, you need a Cauldron Cleansing Solution. The Cauldron Cleansing Solution was first developed in 1710 by Philomena Fluster of Kent. Philomena was married to a Muggle who hadn’t the slightest inkling that his wife was a witch.

Seeing as they had very little money, Philomena was forced to use her cauldron for both brewing and cooking meals. Not wanting her husband (or herself) to accidentally ingest any remnants of the poisons she frequently brewed, Philomena set about creating a safe and reliable cleaner that would set her mind at ease. The recipe was passed down through the generations and, naturally, there have been many attempts to commercialize the potion. The Flusters, however, favor very large families, and so the recipe eventually saturated the wizarding world. You will find some variations on the market, of course, but this simple recipe can be easily brewed at home for Knuts on the Galleon. Of course it’s best to make the Solution before you need it, as it cannot be made in a dirty cauldron. It should store for up to three years if kept out of sunlight.

INGREDIENTS

RECIPE

9 toad livers, fresh

1. Fill a clean cauldron ¾ with water. Bring to a boil.

2. As you wait for the water to boil, slice and drain the toad liv6 pinches of pepper ers.This must be done no more than 30 minutes before being 3 anise cloves, crushed added to the potion.

3. When the water boils, stir in the mugwort (widdershins only).

12 grams of mugwort, picked at 4. When the mugwort is dissolved, drop in the toad livers 3 at a the new moon, powdered time, adding 3 pinches of pepper in between each set.

5. At this point your solution should be a murky brown color.

If it is any shade of purple, discard immediately (as it will eat right through your cauldron).

6. Stir the solution 3 times clockwise. Sneeze. Stir another 3 times clockwise.

7. Drop in the anise cloves but do not stir.

8. Leave the solution for three hours. Important: No one must look at the solution during these three hours. If you fail to ignore the solution, it will turn purple and must be discarded.

9. In 3 hours’ time, your potion should have turned a translucent chartreuse color.

Now you have a Cauldron Cleansing Solution! Simply fill your dirty cauldron and allow it to soak for 3 hours - no scrubbing necessary!

Have you ever wondered what goes on behind closed doors in the Great Hall?

Ever suspected that our very own mod team might be up to no good? You’re not alone. We sent crackpot reporter Elbowsss deep undercover with the ne’er-do-wells who run this joint. Follow her story as she risks life, limbsss, and lucidity to bring you the real scoop on the mod team!

22

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

ELBOWSSS VENTURES

INTO THE PIT The main question on my mind when I heard about it: Where do the bodies go? All the tiny little bodies - they’ve got to end up somewhere. It was this reason that motivated me to move forward with my plan, though I was sure I would be killed if they caught me. The world has a right to know.

It was a beautiful Tuesday in July when I finally found a lead on the location. I wrote the coordinates in my pocket-size notebook. My source told me to arrive in disguise. I tied a heavy black scarf over my head, donned blue mittens, and pulled my wool winter coat around my body.

One last look in the mirror before I slid my sunglasses on and Disapparated. Unfortunately, the sudden movement caused my sunglasses to slip from my nose, and I lost them somewhere between Point A and Point B. Once I’d gathered my bearings in what appeared to be a rather industrial sector of London, I tried and failed to pull my notebook back from my pocket to read the next set of directions. The mittens made me clumsy, so I shook them off onto the ground. It made it marginally easier to grip the notebook, but my hands were exceptionally sweaty.

“DO NOT ACT SUSPICIOUS. They will be watching you! Walk to the front door of the 4th brown brick building and tap your wand twice on the gargoyle door knocker. The password is ‘evasion.’”

I fumbled to close my notebook, dropping it in the process, and my green Quick Quotes Quill fell from my pocket when I bent to retrieve the notebook. Determined to play it cool, I reached for the quill, and my Ministry-issued ID fell from my breast pocket and landed face-up. I juggled all three items for 28 seconds before I managed to get them all put away, and I stood up straight once more to walk to the building, my red rain boots shining in the sun. My mittens were abandoned in the street. The door opened immediately once I spoke the password, and I was greeted by a blast of noise that had not previously been heard on the street: loud, raucous cheering emanated from what must have been

two hundred people, and a familiar voice amplified by a powerful Sonorus charm, shouted excitedly over the crowd: “WELCOME TO THE TWELFTH ANNUAL HOUSE-ELF HUNGER GAMES!”

Horns and Fanfares Fanfare was blown on a brass instrument, but it sounded a little off. I craned my neck around the crowd, and I was finally able to see why the announcer sounded so familiar to me: AccioInternets was standing on a raised platform, fiercely playing a French Horn. She finished and perched the horn on top of her head like a twisted hat. The crowd was cheering nonstop - pumped up and bloodthirsty. There were all sorts of people. Some gruff looking men in long trench coats had a booth set up close to the entrance, and a tight crowd of 30 people pressed in, waving handfuls of galleons as the men pocketed their money and took notes on what looked like a never-ending length of parchment. Accio was speaking again: “BETTING WILL CLOSE IN TWO MINUTES. SPECTATORS PLEASE TAKE YOUR PLACES AROUND THE PIT.” My stomach dropped. It was only then that I realized there was an absence of people in the middle of the room. I picked my way through the crowd until I was standing at the edge of a gaping chasm about 50 feet deep and 300 feet across. A wobbly rope fence had been erected around the perimeter. I was constantly jostled by elbows as the crowd moved around to pick their view. Deep in the pit, placed at equal intervals around the edge, were 24 trembling house-elves.

READ MORE ON THE NEXT PAGE! 23

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS I felt sick with apprehension, knowing what I was about to witness. I looked around at the faces in the crowd, seeking compassion in some face - any face.

There was a woman standing next to me - tall and thin, clutching the flimsy rope fence and yelling profanities into the pit. I did a double-take. It was Vote_Gravel, and she wasn’t actually as tall as I thought at first glance; she was wearing ice skates. My mind was racing - I knew that her and Accio are friends, and I could only guess that she was there to support her friend in this sick sport. My investigative instincts kicked in, and I knew I needed to speak to her.

my bottom lip when I face-planted during a figure skating move called a “flying sit.” I’ll never forget it. I swallowed so much blood. It awakened a feeling in me that I never expected.

Me: ...So literally thirsty for blood.

VG: I find centaurs intriguing, you know. Of course Dolores Umbridge is my [...] favorite character. But they are tricky to capture, and ultimately we decided that the houseelves are more easily disposed of.

We have a special interest in the disposal. Plus, they HAVE to fight if their masters order them to.

Me: We? You and Accio?

“SOME PARTY, HUH?” I shouted to her over the cries of the crowd.

By the sound of it, the game had started, but I couldn’t bring myself to look. She stopped mid swear, glanced at me, then turned back to the pit to continue with her obscenities. “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” I didn’t want to spook her by admitting I recognized her immediately.

At this, we both looked up to the raised platform. Accio was now holding her horn under her arm while she danced a jig. The crowd surrounding her cheered and threw shining knuts and sickles into the top of her horn. Many missed, and they bounced to the ground around her.

“I just saw you yesterday, elbowsss!” Crap. My disguise wasn’t as good as I thought. I removed the scarf from my head and dropped it to the floor. Immediately an enthusiastic spectator snatched it and threw it into the pit. I watched as a house-elf ran to catch it, undoubtedly planning to use it as a weapon. Vote_Gravel cheered with the rest of the crowd, then continued.

“I know why you are here. Let’s get this over with - but just know that they will never catch me! I’ve got it all figured out! I’m never in one place for more than three months!”

I looked across the pit. There, for the first time, I noticed Kemistreekat on another platform, waving her wand in complicated and endless patterns, as if she was conducting an orchestra. I followed her gaze into the pit to see that she was overseeing the game. My stomach turned again. A houseelf was desperately trying to claw its way out of a Devil’s Snare that looked a little more lively than usual. Grav’s shouting brought me back to the conversation.

All pretenses dropped. I took out my notebook and quill. “You have to know that this is quite unusual. I had no idea you were so, uh, bloodthirsty.”

VG: You didn’t? Hell, even Dagrock will tell you that she’s seen me buying Blood Lollipops, and she leaves her house maybe once a month. I’ll tell you how it started, though. My tooth went through the skin under 24

VG: And Kemistreekat.

VG: She bred that Snare herself.

Crossed it with a coffea plant.

I shuddered. It looked like a nasty combination.

Me: What’s in your backpack?

I pointed to the large pack she was wearing, and she swung it off her shoulders to show me, effortlessly knocking 4 people to the ground.

I wasn’t even sure if she’d noticed she’d done it. I noticed one of the

fallen men look up angrily to see who had sent him flying, only to scramble away frightened once he saw who it was. Without even a wobble from her razor-sharp skates upon the wooden floor, Grav squatted to unzip the main compartment. It was bulging at the seams, and she struggled for a moment before it opened. It was full of snacks; Blood Lollipops; big slabs of chocolate from Honeydukes; a sandwich that must have been 6 inches tall and 12 inches long; a bottle of apple juice; and every empty nook and cranny was crammed with what looked like….

VG: Would you care for a Rice Crispy Treat?

She wrestled one free and held it out for me, but I shook my head and closed my notebook. She shrugged and took a bite.

VG: I usually just eat marshmallows straight from the bag, but sometimes I can’t resist a treat.

I scoop peanut butter, nutella, and icing straight from their containers, too. Sometimes without a spoon. It’s just easier not to worry about packing one.

I paused, completely disgusted by what she was telling me, and I took a minute to choke back the bile that had risen in my throat. Without a spoon??? I needed to put some space between us. I needed to move on to my next interview. I thanked her for her time and started picking my way through the crowd towards the group that was still throwing money at a be-horned and dancing AccioInternets. As I looked back to get one last look at the face of Vote_Gravel, I noticed two of the gruff-looking men from earlier had joined her. One of them tapped her on the shoulder and handed her a thick envelope that looked to be stuffed full of galleons, and she slipped it inside her cloak without looking at it. She was much more

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

Accio Intrigue By the time I had made it through the crowd to the platform, Accio had spotted me approaching. She crammed her horn back onto her head, money falling from it and littering the floor. “ALL MY DRESSES HAVE POCKETS,” she said as she pulled me onto the platform with her. She stuck her hands in her pockets to prove it. Her breath smelled strongly of mulled mead.

“That’s… actually really awesome,” I responded. “But we both know that’s not why I am here.” A particularly loud cheer racked the crowd, and I glanced back down into the pit. A house-elf had lost or removed his loin cloth and was running stark naked, weaving through various obstacles as he tried to escape a group of three elves that were particularly blood-covered.

One of them was waving my scarf menacingly. They were gaining on him. I looked back at Accio expectantly.

“I like to stalk Jefreem and Vote_ Gravel,” she offered. “That’s what originally brought me here. Not Jefreem!

N o !

She has all

sorts of crazy ideas about equal rights. It was Vote_Gravel that introduced me to the sport. She’s quite athletic, you know.”

Me: You don’t ever think about the moral ramifications of this… game?

Accio: Sometimes you need to hurt some feelings. Not everyone is going to like what we do here, but look at this crowd! Look at how much fun they are having! Look how much fun I am having! Vote’s got it figured out, though. I’d go mad pretty fast in Azkaban. She promised it would never come to that.

Me: But there is so much pain here, too. The house-elves Accio: - Have you been talking to Jefreem? I don’t want to explain this. It serves a purpose. The House-Elf is considered a Dark creature because of its aggressive and violent nature.

what we can to keep them in line.

At this point, our conversation was interrupted. “ACCIO!” someone was shouting over the crowd again. “ACCIO ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!” She looked into the pit and gasped.

“I need to get back to work,” she said dismissively, and she pointed her wand at her throat to amplify her voice once again. “AND WE HAVE ANOTHER FATALITY! KRIPPLY THE ELF IS PROVING THOSE NAYSAYERS WRONG!” The game was coming close to an end. I knew I needed to reach Kemistreekat at the other side of the pit before it ended, or I would lose my chance to complete my interview. I

I may or may not have looked this up. We are doing

ART BY ASHLIFIRES

interested in yelling into the pit.

25

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS tried to slip off the platform and back into the crowd, but my right foot became tangled in the rope fence. I kicked it off the red boot to free myself, and it tumbled into the pit, nailing a sprinting houseelf right on the head and knocking it out. The crowd cheered. I disappeared back into the crowd, now walking a little lopsided.

Kat's Play I climbed onto the platform next to Kemistreekat, but her wand was still raised, and she never took her eyes from the pit she was working.

She was chewing on something. It was then that I noticed in her other hand, she held yet another Rice Crispy Treat. What was with these people and their marshmallows?

I decided to jump right into it.

“Have you ever come close to being caught?”

She didn’t look at me as she finished chewing so she could answer. “Once, in Athens nine years ago. They brought the Dementors in for a kiss. Five people had to hold me down. I’ll never forget that… the feeling of having wind sucked out of me.” I blanched. I hadn’t expected that answer based on the confidence exhibited by Vote_Gravel and AccioInternets. I glanced across the cheering crowd to find them once again. Vote_ Gravel’s pockets were bulging. She seemed to be throwing more Rice Crispy Treats to the house-elves.

AccioInternets was shouting into the pit with the people alongside her, pumping her fist, her horn now lopsided on her head. “How did you escape?”

She frowned for a moment, her wandwork never ceasing. “I don’t remember much of it. I know that’s a cop out answer, but I really thought long and hard about this. I haven’t been the same since.” Suddenly she looked embarrassed, as if she had said too much. She cleared her throat and focused more intently on the pit before her. If I wanted her to keep talking to me, I would have to change the subject.

26

If Grav is in it for the money, and Accio is in it for the fun….

Me: What brought you here?

Kemkat: I had just finished experimenting with a truck full of otters.

We were looking into crossbreeding them with nifflers for gold recovery in lakes. It was fun, but it just wasn’t enough for me. Did you know that the ministry wants to regulate ALL experiments on magical creatures? Vote pulled me aside and offered me a job. I figured I’d be running clinical trials off the record, but this is so much better.

She gave her wand a particularly aggressive flick, and a high pitched screaming began. I chanced a look into the pit and was horrified to see a terribly deformed mountain troll lumbering from a crate that Kemkat had blasted open. She flicked her eyes to my expression for only a moment.

Kemkat: Yeah, he was crossed with an acromantula. It didn’t turn out quite the way I was hoping.

Me: Do you have many side projects like what you do for Vote_ Gravel?

Kemkat: Yes. But I won’t name them. They didn’t sign up to be in an expose and I’ll respect their privacy.

I’d had just about enough at this point. There were only three house-elves left scrambling around the pit, running from the troll/spider. A drunk fan next to me ripped my other boot off and lobbed it into the pit. The troll/spider didn’t flinch as it bounced off its leg/ear. I really didn’t want to see how it ended. “So this is how you like your house-elves,” I muttered as I lowered myself back into the crowd.

A voice, barely audible over the cheers and jeers around me, responded one last time, “No, actually. I prefer them mixed in with rice crispies or fruity pebbles for a

delicious snack.” I looked back up at Kemkat. A sinister smile graced her face as she took yet another bite, and a chill went down my spine. That answered my question about how they dealt with the bodies. I needed to get out of there.

At long last, I reached the door through which I had entered. A deafening cheer came from nowhere, and I turned to get one final look at the disgusting sport behind me. The naked house-elf from before was standing, panting and bloody, upon the limp body of the troll/spider. Accio’s voices rose once again, “AND WE HAVE OUR WINNER! LET’S HEAR IT FOR WRAPTER!” A winner indeed. Poor Kripply and the others didn’t make it. I discarded my wool coat once I was back in the street. I didn’t think I’d ever get the stench of sweat and elf blood out of it. Now, my entire disguise having been abandoned during the game, I apparated straight home. Seconds later, I was back in London. I’d almost forgotten my notebook, quill, and ID in my coat pockets. I rummaged through my coat for them, then returned home for the second time. I locked my house up tight before I started compiling my notes.

A tall tale, you say? Absolutely unbelievable? Exactly how many pairs of red rainboots do I own if I supposedly lost a set at the House-Elf Hunger Games and you spotted me wearing another set in Diagon Alley yesterday? I don’t expect everyone to believe me, but soon enough the world will notice the drastic population decrease of the common house-elf and how it correlates with the unidentifiable ingredients in your commercially produced Rice-Crispy Treats! Then where will we be?

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

DEMENTED DISASTER I

BY ELBOWSSS AND THEDUQOFFRAT

t didn’t take long for this reporter to gain entrance into Jefreem’s home, writes special correspondent, elbowsss. Though I showed up unannounced and smelling a little ripe after my three day trek through the Louisiana bayou, I was greeted with a smile and immediately invited into Jefreem’s secluded cabin. She said that she’d just finished making burritos. A table was already set for two, as though she had been expecting me, but to my surprise, she grabbed an extra setting from the kitchen and added a third place. I had been operating under the assumption that Jefreem, like many have speculated, is a spinster.

When I voiced this thought out loud, she laughed. “No, I spend a lot of time working on my various projects for equality. I don’t have a lot of time for dating.” I beamed at her, expecting to be regaled by tales of selfless charity expenditures, only for Jefreem to continue, “My latest project has been on Dementor rights. Did you know that some people consider them to be beasts and not beings?”

ART BY ASHLIFIRES

27

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS My dear readers, I must admit that my award-winning smile (Most Charming Smile - Wizards Weekly magazine) faltered for a moment.

But I only had a moment, for who should burst through the back door but the Hogwarts caretaker, Dagrock? Her posture was slumped and her left foot dragged behind her on the ground, making a distinctly unpleasant skkkkkkt noise. As she saw me, she straightened herself, smoothed her hair, and greeted me in a polite but bewildered manner. “I was just out back flaying, er, filleting…. the fish… the fish that we caught earlier,” she said to Jefreem as she eyed me.

“You should have told me that you had another guest.”

So here it was! Dagrock, a forerunner for Goblin Rights, just happened to be with Jefreem at the time I planned to accost her on her recent equality protests! My fingers were already reaching for my quill, but my goal was to sit through lunch so that I would have their undivided attention.

After Lunch

"AZKABAN IS THE BEST"

28

After the last bit of burrito had disappeared from my plate, Jefreem swept them into the sink and returned to set three mugs on the table. I had hardly asked my first question about the basic anatomy of a Dementor when Dagrock eagerly interrupted me. I peered into her mug to see that it was full of black coffee. Dagrock could do nothing but voice her opinions about hooded, gliding, creatures that so many of the Wizarding World detested. The more excited she got, the hoarser her voice became, and she began hunching down in her chair, resembling more fully the stance she had assumed when she first walked in the door. A mad glint was in her eye.

from myself, Dagrock continued about equal rights of Dementors and other beasts “I LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES. I LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY”. Her proclamation sounded like it came straight from a Howler. Jefreem, myself, and even the nearest neighbors, miles away, could hear that she was quite excited about the interview. Coffee mugs shattered, Jefreem’s dog, Teddy, burrowed under the useless hassock in the corner, and steam shot from Dagrock’s ears.

With this, Jefreem laughed nervously and patted Dagrock on the arm, as if to bring her back to the moment.

Perhaps Dagrock had something to hide? Could she be part goblin, as the rumors mentioned, or something much more sinister? With goblins being a clever bunch, could Dagrock’s last outburst be a misdirection to throw me off her trail? Why was Jefreem acting as though this was a completely normal occurrence in her home?

What these two did not know, as I replaced the shattered coffee mugs, was that I poured veritaserum into their respective drinks. This was my chance, I had to know why they demanded equal rights for such vile creatures.

The Truth Immediately a glazed look overcame their faces that had nothing to do with the post-burrito bliss I knew they were prone to. The veritaserum had taken effect, and now was my chance. Though Dagrock was certainly liable to blurt out her secrets, I thought I’d start again with Jefreem, who was being usually quiet. Perhaps she recognized the feeling of being compelled to the truth. It was time to get started.

Although it was becoming more difficult to understand her, I managed to ascertain that “below average” was her answer regarding the current rights of Dementors.

Me: So… Jefreem… I know that you recently visited Azkaban to speak with the Dementors about your campaign for them. How did that work out, seeing as they can’t talk?

Without an utterance of a syllable

Jefreem: Azkaban is the best!

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER Me: Did the Dementors trust you right away?

Jefreem: I can disguise my voice.

It took a little practice, but I was eventually able to mimic that soul-sucking gasping for air thing they do, and once I managed to replicate that, they knew that I only wanted the same thing as them. The trust came easily after that.

Me: What is it you want?

Jefreem: I want you to start calling me B Knucks. It just sounds mysterious and appealing.

Me: Ummm… okay…

At this point in time I was concerned that someone added some sort of narcotic to my truth serum.

Some of these answers were making no sense and the glazed look on Jefreem’s eyes made me think of when my Great Aunt Susan used too much morphine in the muggle hospital. She thought the morphine button was a nurse call button. I turned to see Dagrock’s reaction to this bizarre proclamation, and she looked to be bursting at the seams.

Me: Dagrock, let’s start easy.

You’ve spent the past few years working tirelessly to ensure that Goblins have rights and benefits.

Lately you’ve been more secretive about your work. What have you been doing this past week?

Dag: I’ve just been in my little shack making potions and shit. I’m the Walter White of poisons… er..

Potions. I meant potions. Just this weekend I stepped on a tiny lizard.

It sounded and felt awesome. I mean awful. It felt awful.

She looked around shiftily. I couldn’t help but wonder: does veritaserum work on goblins? Was Dagrock just putting on a show to trick me? I turned back to B Knucks.

Me: You’ve been working at Hogwarts for some time now. Do you see it in your future? Do you plan

to stick around much longer?

Me: WHOA

B Knucks: No, I don’t like their pie.

Did you know that they serve pie with almost every meal? I think it’s the spiders as well. No, I plan to move on to bigger and better things. I’ve had my eyes set on Minister for Magic for some years now, and I think that with Dagrock’s help, we might be able to make that dream a reality.

Dag: - Jefreem’s campaign to -

Me: Wow! That’s an incredible aspiration! What will you say to those that feel more conservatively about your plans for Dementor Rights?

At this, Dagrock jumped back in, the manic look back in her eye. For a minute, I thought I was going to get strangled. I instinctively threw an arm in front of my neck while reaching for my wand on my side Dag: I will fight them with magic and guns. I’m good at these sorts of things. I may be small in body, but my brain says Ramsay Bolton.

I started to wonder about the situation I had put myself into. Who the heck was Ramsay Bolton? One of her goblin friends? A successful proprietor? A hallucination? The energy radiating from Dagrock filled every corner of the room, and I glanced at her coffee cup once again. It was completely empty.

As I wondered about her reaction to the caffeine, she stood, filled the cup to the brim once more, and joined us back at the table. I knew I must press onward.

Me: You wouldn’t be worried about the ramifications of using dated muggle weapons?

Dag: I’d probably end up in Azkaban but at least I’d have a reason to be there.

B Knucks: Once I am Minister, you wouldn’t need to worry about that.

Me: You would free a known criminal due to your personal relationship with that person?

Dag: I will flay all that oppose -

B Knucks: - I wouldn’t just kill anyone!

Me: I said “free,” not “kill!”

B Knucks: I would kill Umbridge, despite the fact that I greatly admire a lot that she’s done. She’s so exact. She was able to land herself a prestigious job in the ministryDag: - overthrow the current minister by using the voice of the creatures that do not yet have equal rights AS THEY SHOULD. My quill was flying across the paper. This could be the story of the century! B Knucks, current Headmistress of Hogwarts, has been working on her campaign for Minister of Magic for years! In fact, it has been 15 years since she first began to rally the House-Elves, and the realization that there had always been a larger purpose was staggering. It wasn’t just a campaign. It was a coup. I checked to make sure that my Quick Quotes Quill had picked up the part about overthrowing the minister, and B Knucks continued on.

B Knucks: I’ve been letting Dagrock sort out most of the details while I disguise myself as a muggle to stay out of it.

Me: That’s why you are living out here in the Bayou?

B Knucks: Dagrock needed somewhere secluded to … deal with those that have been opposing me.

Me: You have everyone fooled. Everyone thinks that you’re just some hippie that loves House Elf Rights.

But this this goes so much deeper… it’s so much darker… You’ve gained the respect of these lesser creatures so that you can use their eventual vote?

B Knucks: NO, silly. So I can use them to intimidate wizards for their vote. You don’t actually think I’d cozy up to Dementors and Gob29

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS Me: So… you guys are having fish for dinner? You’ll probably need to be preparing it soon.

lins, do you?

Dagrock: Hey! B Knucks: You don’t actually think I’d cozy up to Dementors, do you?

Me: So, you ARE part goblin?

Dagrock: clothes.

I’m

wearing

adult

Me: Right, but your skin is green.

Jefreem is wearing adult clothes.

I’m wearing adult clothes. Thank Merlin everyone is wearing clothes.

At this point, I was beginning to get the impression that I’d worn out my welcome. Both Jefreem and Dagrock were looking at me as if they’d only just realized the secrets they had been sharing. As if on cue, they both stood and pushed their chairs back, never looking away from me. The magnitude of the situation was causing my brain to prickle. I needed an exit strategy.

I stood as well and began to back towards the door.

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B Knucks: Fish?

Me: Because Dagrock said she was filleting the fish when I arrived...

Dagrock: Hahahaha no. Did you hear that the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic recently went missing?

Me: SeeKateRun? Oh my god.

At that, I knew my smile wouldn’t save me. B Knucks was closing the distance between us, and Dagrock was looking thoroughly murderous. Teddy was growling at my feet.

Dagrock: Would you say that our burritos were delicious? Do you know what kind of meat we used in them?

B Knucks lunged for me, but I disapparated straight to my study,

where I began to write with a fervor. I hoped that neither of them knew my address, or that they wouldn’t start looking for me before I submitted my notes to my editor. B Knucks and Dagrock must be watched closely over the next period of elections. Their plan is already in motion!

A Conclusion Some of you might find it difficult to believe me. Many of you work closely with B Knucks and Dagrock. Many of you might point out that Dagrock has not been looking very green lately, and B Knucks still insists that everyone call her Jefreem, but the state of our future is at stake, and I warn you not to be fooled!

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

ART BY ASHLIFIRES

Life Inside a KILLER WRITTEN BY ELBOWSSS

SOMETIMES A GOOD REPORTER NEEDS TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME. OFTEN THE BEST STORIES ARE FOUND BY CHANCE. IT’S FOR THIS REASON THAT I SPEND THE MAJORITY OF MY FREE TIME WALKING THROUGH HEAVILY POPULATED AREAS. JUST THIS PAST WEDNESDAY, I FELT COMPELLED TO SPEND THE DAY AT HOGWARTS, AND A GOOD REPORTER FOLLOWS HER INSTINCTS. 31

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS Lunch was fast approaching, and I am always prepared for lunch, so I ducked through a tapestry, charged up three staircases, ran down a hallway, and scuttled down one more staircase before coming to a door that looked like it was hidden enough to give me some peace while I ate my burrito. The gold plaque above it read “Teacher's’ Lounge.” A sign right below it read “NO UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY.” I flashed my press badge at the door and slipped through it, shutting it behind me as I did so. I AM a teacher, after all. I help shape minds by bringing my readers information that they deserve to know!

The room was empty and smelled a little musky. This came as no surprise - I’ve seen some of the teachers up close, and I’m pretty sure that their hygiene practices leave much to be desired. My eyes settled on an old wardrobe against the far wall, and I decided that it was the prime place to eat my burrito. I certainly was not trying to hide or eavesdrop. I take my burritos very seriously.

There I was, sitting cross-legged in a small space, with nothing but an inch-wide gap to peer through the door. I noisily unwrapped the foil from my burrito and took a bite.

Immediately a glob of beef and sour cream fell onto my ankle. I decided I would have to deal with it later, for who should come into the teachers lounge, but Hermiones_Teaspoon, Mirgaine_Life, Trekkie_Becky, and Kiwias! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine they would be joining me for lunch!

“Where did that weird woman go?” asked Mirgy.

“I don’t know. That was really strange how she yelled at us to follow her and then just ran off like that. Do you think she’s alright?”

Hermy looked at the others bewildered.

“Who cares?!” answered Kiwias.

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“We finally have a moment to ourselves! Let’s talk about the plan!”

The rest of them nodded in agreement. I reached carefully into my backpack for a roll of parchment, balanced my Quick Quotes Quill upon it, and took another bite of burrito. It was time to enjoy the show.

Questionable Information It took only five minutes for these four esteemed educators talking about the chafing they were receiving from their skin suits for me to realize that something was not quite right. Sure, my gut had told me that there was something interesting going on at Hogwarts, but I expected the four Heads of House in front of me to be knowledgeable about the happenings - not directly involved. However, as Kiwias pulled the skin from her arm out, stretching it grotesquely until it was a foot or more away from where I thought her bones should be, it occurred to me that I should have known that there was something strange going on. “Why did you choose these fragile costumes?

I’m terrible at commitment. You should have chosen something we could change more easily.”

“I thought they would have the easiest time blending in,” answered Hermy. “You’re right, though.

They are very fragile. Fire is the worst. Did you know how susceptible this species is to heat? Look!”

She held up her own arm and pulled back the long sleeve of her cloak. There was a hole in her arm, blackened around the edges as if it had been burned, showing that beneath the outmost layer of her epidermis was something terrible and green. I took another bite of my burrito and looked down to ensure my quill was doing its job. Another glob of meat fell on the parchment.

She went on, “My plan is basically to stay away from fire, and I need to be my most Hufflepuff self and try to survive by being kind. Hopefully that works!”

Mirgy, who was poking the burn on Hermy’s arm interestedly, responded, “I never know what to say my name is! I forget ALL the time. I’m Kiwias, right? And I am the Herbology Professor at Hogwarts?” No one said anything to this, as if none of them really knew the answer, and she went on. “I’ve been having the same problem as you. Earlier I forgot to put my foot armor on, and I stepped on a stick, and it went 2.5 inches into my foot.” At this she took her focus from Hermy’s arm to sit on the sofa and take off her shoe. On the bottom of her foot was a puncture about an inch across, also showing a slimy green … something… just beneath the surface. It bulged against the hole, threatening to break free. “I have been planning a meetup for a bunch of the locals.

I think it will be easier if we can get more of the adults in a single space. I didn’t realize there would be so many adolescents here.”

Now Becky piped up. “Despite my visual-spacial issues, I haven’t suffered any bad injuries. I needed a few stitches in my chin earlier when fell on a stair at just the right angle.” She removed her scarf and tilted her head up to show some clumsily sewn stitches, as if she’d done them herself. I found myself mildly impressed; nothing green seemed to be showing through. “I studied pretty well for this role, but working in the field is completely different.”

Kiwias was looking at Becky’s chin with mild curiosity. “I was walking down stairs when I tripped and broke both of my feet at the same time.” She joined Mirgy on the couch and also removed her shoes to show that the skin had been ripped straight off, and what looked like two lolling green slugs flopped from the space that should have been her ankles. I couldn’t help myself - I gasped. I had never seen anything so disgusting in my life.

All at once, four heads snapped towards the wardrobe, and every-

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER one ceased their poking and prodding. I quickly shoved the rest of the burrito in my mouth so that it wouldn’t go to waste. Hermy let the sleeve of her robe fall back to cover her burn. Mirgy slipped her shoe back on. Becky threw her scarf back around her neck. But Kiwias, try as she might, seemed completely incapable of stuffing the giant green slug-feet back into her shoes. She struggled for more than a minute, long enough for me to roll up my parchment, fallen meat and all, and put it into my backpack along with my quill. By the time I had finished and looked up, Kiwias had not made any progress. “Are you almost finished?”

Becky asked. “We should deal with this.”

my parchment out and unraveled it. They all watched disgusted as fallen burrito globs slid off the edge and onto the floor. I watched sadly, lamenting the waste, before reminding myself of the perilous situation I was in. I wasn’t sure how to save myself, but I didn’t need to worry about that just yet.

Mirgy was speaking again.

It was time I made my move. I did not want to be caught cowering in the back of a wardrobe. I stood slowly, straightened my pants, and threw the door open. I stepped out breezily and started walking for the door, whistling merrily. “Oh, hello, all! Didn’t expect to see you here!

Don’t mind me, I’m just passing through!” I added an extra skip to my step to indicate just how carefree I was at the moment, but just as I thought I would get away, Kiwias stepped between me and the door, her slug-feet 18 inches long and flowing freely towards me.

“Oh, you’re just jumping right into an explanation?” I asked. “Are we skipping the part where you ask why I was eating in a wardrobe?”

She ignored me as she put the parchment back into my backpack and set it on the ground, seemingly lost in thought.

“What exactly do you think I am?

A drunk baby?” she asked coldly.

While I was indeed hoping that they all had the mental capacity of a drunk baby, something in me said that now was not the proper time to admit it.

Remarkable Revelation It didn’t take but a moment for Becky to grab me by the shoulders and direct me to the couch, Kiwias following behind. Mirgy jumped up from her spot to remove my backpack, and Hermy locked the door. I found myself sitting while the four of them stood around me looking very tall and intimidating in a tight semi-circle. Mirgy pulled

“Last week, we were soaring through the stars in a spaceship.

We took notice of this building.”

She gestured around the room, indicating the castle. “It’s very clearly important to your entire civilization. Our society has been weak as of late. We needed something to give us a boost. We needed some diversity…”

“Everyone is now related to each other,” clarified Becky. “Our gene pool is too shallow. So we came to see what you guys have to offer. We needed some disguises. Of course you Earthlings wouldn’t be able to comprehend our true form, and your head would explode if you saw us. We needed something with complete coverage.”

I looked between the four of them.

All were watching me expectantly, waiting for my reaction, but I knew that it didn’t matter what I said to them. They would never let me walk out of this room alive now.

My best chance would be to stall them. I gulped. “How did you… learn to assimilate so quickly?”

Hermy answered quickly, as if she was excited about the answer. “We found something called Thriller amongst your Earth videos. We practiced for 3 hours to ensure our movements would be natural. I still remember parts of the choreography. It has worked surprisingly well.”

What the heck is a video? I looked at Kiwias’ feet again, feeling doubtful. It must have shown on my face, for she said, “I haven’t been doing as well as Hermy. I’m just terrible at following instructions. I think people suspect me.”

I nodded, understanding the sentiment. I shifted in my chair, and none of them seemed to notice.

They were enjoying this too much.

They were relaxing. They were backing of slightly. They wanted me to know their story. I sat up a bit straighter. “But… why?” It was my most brilliant question to date.

Again, Hermy answered quickly.

“Hogwarts have a kind of wisdom that’s elusive, and that’s the thing I most want to understand about them” “You know that we aren’t called Hogwarts, right? We’re called humans. Witches and wizards.” She waved her hand in the air dismissively. I shrugged. It probably wasn’t worth it to get into the argument. “And what happened with the real Heads?”

They exchanged uneasy looks.

“I’ve never eaten them!” answered Hermy, defensive. “Well, at least not right away. I let the Hogwarts age a bit first.”

“Isn’t that how you’re supposed to eat them??” Kiwias asked her, clearly shocked. I took this moment to stand up and stretch. None of them noticed me, so wrapped up they were in their conversation. Gently, I scooped my backpack up and shrugged it into place.

“Though I do think they would be better after marinating!”

“I don’t know about that,” said Mirgy thoughtfully. “They were delicious. If I were standing next to [them], I would totally eat them.

In fact, I would make them my specialty. I’d give them out every year during the holidays with some hot chocolate mix as a homemade amazing gift.” I began to edge towards the door. My heart was pounding in my throat. As long as 33

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS they kept talking about what they did with the Heads, I might have a chance…

“It’s like a necessary life experience,” agreed Becky. “Hogwarts in hot chocolate is to die for.” I put my hand on the doorknob and twisted it just as they turned to see where I had gone.

“Welp, good chatting with you all!”

I said before tugging the door open and sprinting down the hallway. I could hear their footsteps behind me, Kiwias’ slug-feet squelching horribly on the floor. I chanced a look back and, under the moonlight coming through the windows (wow, we sat in the lounge for a long time!), I saw a sight that almost stopped my heart: they were running sideways, as if sashaying,

their arms all held in a rigid pose as if they had claws. I tried to scream, but terror took the sound before I made it. Bewildered, I turned back to focus on putting more distance between us. By the time I’d rounded the corner, they seemed to have given up. Slug-feet are probably not made for running.

enough they will abandon their current disguises and seek new ones. Soon enough they will determine whether or not they would benefit from breeding with us, and the wizarding world must be prepared to put an end to it!

The End Why did they tell me their plans? Why did they let me go? What will they do once their current skin suits deteriorate past the point of use? What more can they want from us? I am here to WARN YOU, my readers, to be on the lookout! Soon

CROOKSHANKS: THE ORIGIN STORY WRITTEN BY KIWIAS

C

rookshanks is a normal half-kneazle cat. He eats his food, he naps often and he chases rats. But it’s not only rats that this cat chases, it’s also dark, evil wizards. Dark, evil wizards that end up on the Auror Department’s most wanted page. This is his story.

Even when Crookshanks was still a kitten, everyone knew he would be special. He would find household rats with such precision and determination that it was obvious he was destined for greatness. When his owner, Hermione Granger, started taking him to work with her he would wander around the ministry and track down the rats there.

Soon though, Crookshanks grew bored of searching for rats. He started hanging out with his mother’s husband, Ron Weasley, who worked in the Auror Department with his best friend Harry Potter. The half-kneazle took a great interest in the searches the department would put on while looking for criminals and shortly began to join them on the hunt.

34

Crookshanks’ specialty is sniffing out the hiding places, sitting on their chest to keep them from moving (he is a rather large animal, and not just in size but in fatness), and of course scratching the hell out of suspects in order to distract them from disapparating. While the aurors are facing them to try to talk them down from doing more harm, Crookshanks has the uncanny ability to sneak up behind his prey without them knowing he’s there.

Stay tuned for more detailed stories of Crookshanks’ more infamous captures!

INSERT QUIBBLER

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

CREATURE FEATURE ~ Each issue we bring you the rarest, vilest, most exciting Dark creatures in the Wizarding World! Whether it's a Dark species or even just a particularly malicious beastie of a typically peaceful breed, we spotlight on the things that go bump in the night.

36

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

Tsukumogami It is not unheard of for a magical creature to get loose in the offices of the Quibbler.

Merlin knows we’ve had an infestation or two - and you didn’t hear that from me! But the creature currently residing in my office is the rarest and most impressive to call our headquarters ‘home.’

I first discovered this fascinating creature not long after moving into the new Quibbler offices. It had been a long day of alphabetizing my poison collection and dusting my first-edition spellbooks (the poor tomes never feel right without a nice, thick layer of dust, which I was only too happy to apply). I decided to retire to the sitting area with my fresh cup of mugwort tea. No sooner had I settled into the squashy purple sofa than I felt a sharp pain on my rump. Reader, you cannot imagine the fright it gave me! My office is warded more heavily than even my home - I could not fathom being attacked there. I expect this whole incident was comeuppance for my lapse in vigilance.

I jumped up, brandishing my wand, and shouted, ‘Homenum Revelio!’ Nothing happened.

I searched the sitting area for signs of a trap that might have been left for me (suffice to say, I am not without enemies here at Quibbler headquarters). Having found nothing, the process of elimination led me to realize there must be a creature lurking in my sanctum. I quickly exited the office and sealed it, then retreated to the restroom to examine the damage to my posterior. There, on my beautiful buttox, was a bite mark. To say I was alarmed would be an understatement.

After seeking Healer attention, I contacted the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures, as per Quibbler policy (after an unfortunate incident regarding a boggart, I am no longer allowed to keep creatures that find their way into our offices). When a representative finally arrived, he determined that there was a particularly nasty doxy residing in my sofa.

As if I - expert in the Dark Arts, defense thereof, and all Dark flora and fauna - would not know a doxy if it bit me on the derrière! Obviously I dismissed him promptly, as he was clearly and irreparably clueless. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I knew exactly what we were dealing with: Tsukumogami.

As you undoubtedly learned in your studies at Hogwarts, Tsukumogami are ordinary household objects which, having reached one hundred years of age, have gained sentience and animation. Though the process by which this occurs has yet to be discovered, it is generally accepted that it only happens in Japan. Currently residing in my office is proof that Tsukumogami can be created in Britain.

I have been in contact with the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, as well as their counterparts at the Japanese Ministry of Magic. Both have declined to be interviewed on this subject. It seems unlikely that I will receive aid from either Ministry, so I must contend with this creature on my own.

Tsukumogami are not necessarily malicious creatures, but it is not unheard of for some among their ranks to cause mischief, or even attack the unwary. I have tried to communicate with the Sofa, to no avail. I have left all manner of treats on its cushions, from pumpkin pasties to cornish game hens, pickled herring to Chocolate Frogs. All remain untouched. Perhaps the Sofa only has a taste for bottoms? Only time will tell. In the meantime it sits there, waiting, growling at any who dare approach. Ha! Have you ever heard of a growling doxy? I think not!

37

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

THE LOVE SKULL WRITTEN BY L-ILY

R

ecently, Magi-historians have uncovered a Love Skull. For the unaware, Love Skulls were a popular enchanted item in the early 1700’s. After the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy was established in 1692, it became more and more common for arranged marriages to happen in the wizarding community. Marriages were contracts between families for power or better alliances. Marriages were not for love. While most young wizards and witches were okay following their family’s wishes, there were a select few who wanted to marry somebody of their own choosing. This sometimes included muggles.

For this reason, the Ministry of Magic approved a law that let the parents, or heads of households legally bind their children into these arranged marriages. It was a time of political unrest and nobody wanted to deal with the muggles of the era (remember the Salem Witch trials).

The Department of Secrets worked on what soon came to be called a Love Skull because they were predominantly used in or before wedding ceremonies. The skull was supposed to represent the death of wizardkind at the hands of the hated muggles. The glass represented the emotional turmoil the muggles had caused to wizardkind.

on Amortentia. Note that while the Love Skulls caused happiness and kindness, the altered skulls created fake love and obsession. Also, a little known fact was that the skulls only worked when they were willingly accepted by both partners. With only one partner being affected, the Arithmancy that had been carefully calibrated on the skulls for two people caused the affected person to go insane. After several incidents involving skullerys, as these skewed skulls came to be called, the Ministry of Magic repealed the Love Skull law and destroyed as many skulls as they could find.

The Magi-historians uncovered this rare artifact when they were arThe skull was imbued with several atchiving an abandoned dark home in a pretraction runes and enchantments. Most skulls dominantly Muggle area. Great care was taken also had a happiness charm and kindness enchantinto making the home safe. Many items had been ment placed upon them so that the newlyweds who tampered with in the home and it took a team of received the skull would naturally forget to question their cursebreakers and Magi-Historians three months before new life. After all, who would regret their future if it was every artifact had been carefully looked over and deemed full of bliss? There were several that had fertility charms. safe to handle. The Love skull was one of the very few Many marriage contracts grew more powerful the more items that was not covered in curses and jinxes. offspring a union created.

This unearthed Love Skull is blue glass and is one of the The Love Skulls worked for several years until of course, original untampered skulls. The Ministry of Magic has malicious wizards and witches broke through the Minis- deemed it safe, but have requested the owners of the try approved protection seals. The most common mod- skull to sign a Liability Waiver as the skull may still have ification was to have the skull affect one person instead magical properties. The Magi-Historians who found it of both. This way the other person could continue with kept the Skull, signed the Liability Waiver and have since his or her single lifestyle with no major fallouts from started dating and living happily. Another win for the their family. The affected person would then act as if Love Skull?

38

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

39

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES

XBOXG4MER ON

How To Survive A Kelpie Attack Xboxg4mer prepares you for the wild world and the creatures you would find within.

WHAT IS A KELPIE? A kelpie, quite simply put, is a shapeshifting water demon, however, its most common form, for whatever reason, is a large horse with a long mane of hair. Perhaps the most famous kelpie is the one lurking in Loch Ness in Scotland. “Nessie”, as it has come to be known by muggles, has received excellent muggle press and has taken somewhat of a liking to being a celebrity. “Nessie” prefers not to take the form of a horse but instead a sea serpent.

Because of the beast's repeated sightings, Scotland, much like Tibet and their yeti, have had to be fined repeatedly for breaching Clause 73 of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy.

They approach their prey, usually an unsuspecting witch or wizard (though they have been known to prey upon muggles), and allow them to ride upon their backs. After successfully getting someone to ride it, the kelpie will drag them to the bottom of any nearby body of water, enjoy a nutritious meal and allow the entrails to float to the surface.

HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER A KELPIE:

Many witches and wizards have been dragged to the murky depths of their watery grave by kelpies when they could have easily saved themselves. The way to defeat a kelpie is quite easy actually, however many are ignorant to the solution. Simply use a Placement Charm to summon a bridle (headgear created by HOW ARE THEY A THREAT? muggles for regular horses) on to the kelpie. After you do this the beast will become passive and Kelpies are extremely dangerous creatures and have will, in no way, attempt to harm you. Then you can been given an XXXX rating by the Department for return home and brag to your ghoul about how you the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. survived when faced with such a beast.

40

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER

with

NEWT SCAMANDER WRITTEN BY XBOXG4MER

Dear readers, what follows is an interview with one of the greatest magizoologists of the age, Newton “Newt” Scamander.

Thank you for joining us here at the Quibbler today, Newt.

Newt Scamandar (NS): Thank you for inviting me in to speak with you. Shall we just jump into it?

Let’s, you have had an amazing life as a magizoologist, what inspired you to join this field?

My mother. As a child I was raised around her hippogriffs which she bred. To me they were fascinating creatures. I loved how unusual they were and became obsessed with trying to ride them. Eventually one of them allowed me to do so.

I will remember the experience until the day I die. It was, simply put, liberating.

After this, I flew them regularly. I actually preferred riding them to broomsticks.

As I grew, I became more and more fascinated with animals. I remember when I was young, I would dismember horklumps [pesky mushroom-like creatures].

Your bestselling book, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, has now had over fifty editions, did you ever anticipate that it would be so successful?

I had a feeling the book would be a success as it is useful for almost every wizard and witch. Even so, whether they are trying to de-gnome their garden or are trying to deal with a dragon, I had no idea that it would be this successful.

I do know, however, that

each year new species are discovered which leads to the need for a new edition. It won’t surprise me, if in time, there are over one hundred editions.

As a student at Hogwarts you were expelled, did you know you would go on to work at the Ministry of Magic?

Ah yes, my expulsion. That occurred because of an incident involving one of my creatures. Eh, I’d rather not get into that. Just know that I don’t believe it was justified and nor did Albus Dumbledore who actually tried to prevent it from happening but that’s a story for a different day. To answer your question, I knew I would work with beasts in some sense but I never knew to begin with that I would work in the Ministry. I spent a couple of years working in the Office for House Elf Relocation which was low paying and repetitive. Eventually I went on to the Beast Division which was much more rewarding. From there I was promoted and eventually, in 1918, I was commissioned to write Fantastic Beasts.

As a Hufflepuff, do you

have anything to say to any budding magizoologists in your old house?

Yes, I do. You were sorted into Hufflepuff, likely, because you are friendly, hardworking and deeply loyal.

Use this. These are all great qualities and whether you want to specialise and work with one type of beast (such as dracology) or you want to work with everything from imps to griffins, you can do it so long as you work hard and believe that you can make it. Set a goal and make every major decision in pursuit of this goal. Eventually it will come to fruition but just be prepared to work through some hard times.

How do you spend your free time?

I love to visit with my children, and my grandchildren and my great grandchildren, but more than anything I love to be with my incredible wife, Porpentina. We still enjoy travelling together. Most recently we spent a week in Brazil looking for a new species of mooncalves we heard of. Sadly, our efforts were to no avail. However, before that, we travelled to Africa and managed to find a new

sub-species of fwooper.

Do you have any pets?

Yes, I do. I have had many pets over the years. Right now I have three pet kneazles. Before them I had their parents and before that I had their parents’ parents.

They are called Napoleon, Neptune and Nestor. Napoleon seems to be in charge of them (he often makes them move so he can lie in their spot on the bed) while Nestor is very lazy I almost never see her move. She just kind of lies and stares but she does love to be petted.

Neptune is a surprisingly good swimmer and can hold his breath underwater for over five minutes.

It has been almost one hundred years since you were commissioned to write Fantastic Beasts, since then you have travelled extensively. Is there anywhere you particularly enjoyed?

I enjoyed travelling almost everywhere I went. In particular, I enjoyed North America. I met my wife in New York. I was only supposed to spend an hour there but an incident with my creatures kept me there for some time. I was once able to visit Ilvermorny which is a fantastically wonderful school.

On top of those things I also discovered many creatures in America and had a wonderful time doing so.

Thank you again Newt for joining us today and answering some of our questions, I’m sure our readers will love to hear what you have to say.

You’re very welcome, I’m glad to hear it.

41

DANGEROUS, NEW

CROSSBREEDS RUNNING RAMPANT

M

y Venomous Tentacula was damaged. I walked around it three times, and though it was agitated enough that I didn’t dare get any closer to it, I could tell that it had been through the ringer. As a lover of all things living (except my horrible Great Aunt Hattie), it pained me to see that my beloved plant was suffering. It was the third day in a row that it had presented with new injuries, and I knew I needed to get to the bottom of it. If only plants could talk, I knew I’d be able to help! I watched it snake its arms around, slithering on the ground, as if looking for something to grab and hold. One of them suddenly shot up to knock my sun hat off my head, and I took another step back. It hissed at me.

Struck with inspiration, I ran inside for a second, scrambled through my junk

42

by Elobowsss drawer, and returned again with a large sheet of parchment, a thick paintbrush, and a jar of red paint. It was a brilliant idea! I dipped the bristles of the brush into the paint, scoot the parchment as close as I dared to the base of the plant, and held out the brush. If it couldn’t tell me what was wrong, maybe it could show me! Another tentacle slapped the brush out of my hand and into my face.

Defeated, I abandoned the paper and paint idea (the plant now seemed to be trying to eat the paper) and decided to take the investigative route. I was going to spy on my plant tonight. ***** It was just past sunset when I made my way outside. I was dressed in all black and talking loudly to myself about how I was going to be out all night caus-

ing mayhem with my Editor-In-Chief, Starflashfairy. I knew she would cover for me, and I thought the alibi would help solidify my benign existence to my ornery plant. As soon as I was turned the corner of the house, I dropped to my stomach and army crawled back towards my garden. There was a cluster of bushes about 100 meter away that I knew I could hide within. Twigs were snapping and my clothes rustled loudly, and I briefly considered that I shouldn’t have worn my parachute pants for this mission, but damn did they look good! About 40 meters in, I felt overwhelmingly exhausted, and I laid face-down in the middle of a large open-grass patch of my yard, not daring to move lest I draw attention to myself. After some time, I felt rested enough to continue. Around the 70 meter mark, I planked again. This was hard

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER work, and my backpack that I had stuffed full of supplies made me feel like a turtle with an oversized shell.

After thirty or so minutes of scrambling, I finally made it. The cluster of five flowering bushes had a convenient barren spot in the middle, and I was quite hidden from view. I peeked under the branches and saw that I had a perfect view of my cantankerous plant, tentacles erect and swaying gently in the warm summer breeze. I noisily unzipped my backpack, unrolled a burrito from its foil jail, and loudly cracked open a can of beer. Venomous Tentacula don't have ears after all. As I munched on my snack it occurred to me that they don't have eyes either, and I probably could be sitting directly in front of it as long as I didn't get close enough for it to touch me. It was for the best that I was hiding though, for at that moment, I heard a sound that chilled me to the bone.

I know my readers will be surprised to hear that I put my burrito down, but in my neck of the woods, the cry of a wolf is something that needs to be taken very seriously. As quietly as I could, I rolled the remains of my burrito back up and stored it back in my backpack. I took a swig from my beer, lowered my black ski mask to hide my face, and stood up within the ring of bushes to better my view.

Now, instead of gently swaying, my plant had all extremities reaching and reaching hard away from me, in the direction of the thick woods. The wolf howled again, and I could tell that it was very close. I eyed the dimly lit door of my house, just over the length of a football field away, but I knew that I would never make it. My best chance was to hide. And indeed, as I thought this, a sound within the night joined the exhilarated beating of my heart: the rhythmic pounding of paws on hardened soil.

Quickly I squatted back into hiding space and peered through the bushes.

A wolf had emerged running full speed from the woods ahead, and now he slowed his pace as he approached my desperately reaching Tentacula, but he didn't look as though he was hunting or angry. In fact, if a wolf could show any emotion, it would be easy to say that this one was pleased! He stopped just out of reach and pawed playfully at the ground, and my breath hitched in my throat. I knew the signs: the snout, the tail, the

height - this was a WEREwolf! I could only hope that the human counterpart remembered to take his wolfsbane potion earlier in the day.

As I watched, completely enraptured by what I was witnessing, the wolf suddenly took a few playful steps forward, and my plant - MY PLANT - scooped him up, wound its tentacles gently around, and, well, I turned away and suddenly became very interested in the clearness of the sky on this particular night.

There was a joyous howl behind me, but I needn’t look back. I knew what was going on behind me. My dear readers, the view of the heavens was brilliant, and I finished my beer while I counted two shooting stars. At that, I glanced back behind me, and my plant still looked very busy. I knew that it wouldn't notice if I cracked another drink, and so I did, and I continued to enjoy my stargazing.

I must have fallen asleep there, my head propped on my backpack, for I awoke as the sun was rising (and weirdly, some other woodland critter seemed to have opened the rest of my drinks and drained them completely, leaving the empty carcasses surrounding me where I laid). I blinked blearily at the sun and stole another glance at my plant, which looked exhausted, to be quite frank.

I stumbled inside for an ibuprofen to alleviate the pounding in my head that I knew must have come from using a backpack as a pillow. As I nursed a Gatorade and picked at a bagel, I compiled my notes from the evening. It WAS a curious case, but I figured as long as my plants were happy, it didn’t matter much….

morning I awoke to joyful yips and barks.

I ran out to see what looked like a burst seedpod, thick pieces of shell littering the ground around the base of my Tentacula, and my plant was now bulge-free. Six puppies in various forms of play moved through my garden… But they weren't like any puppies I had ever seen. They had no eyes or legs. Despite this, they all seemed to move with ease, propelled forward on a system of rolling tentacles, their little tails wagging joyfully. There in my backyard, upon viewing the creatures, I threw up a foam that had nothing to do with my depleting alcohol stores, and I ran back inside.

It took me a four hour nap to decide how I should confront the situation, and once decided, I dressed myself and brushed my teeth before grabbing the wild animal traps from my garage. I walked around the corner of the house to set them as near as I could to the scene, but the pups were gone! I searched high and low, and I even tried to have my Tentacula draw another picture to explain what happened. I know it wasn't a dream; the large seed pod still lay busted on the ground where I know my plant must have dropped it. *****

I have not yet been able to find any of the Tentacle Pups, but I know that they are nearby. They will be about a month old at this point, and pups at that age don’t have much of a sense of fear. I can't help but worry about the day a hiker or traveler comes across the litter. Every week or so I will hear them yipping in the woods - sometimes they sound very ***** close to my home. On these nights, my Tentacula stands a little straighter, lookIt is at this point in my tale that I need ing as proud as a plant ever could. to admit that this encounter took place Of course I alerted the Ministry of three moons before now. It wasn’t but a Magic of this unauthorized cross-breed week after this bizarre encounter when on the day that it happened, but I was I noticed that my beloved plant was quickly ushered out of the building and beginning to bulge around the base. As told to go clean myself up, whatever that the weeks passed, the bulge grew and raised, traveling slowly along the length means. They are refusing to acknowledge the existence of the Tentacle Pups, and of the strongest stem, and then out they are refusing to heed my warnings through an arm until it looked like one of the tentacles was ready to throw up a that these pups will eventually reach beachball. Two months after the appear- adulthood. I know what I saw, and I ance of the bulge, I went to sleep wary, know that they are out there biding their wondering what disease was preparing to time. A werewolf crossed with a Venomous Tentacula is something no one could make itself known and whether or not have predicted. Who KNOWS what their it would going to affect the rest of my garden. However, to my surprise, in the bite could do!?

43

"NIFFLER STUDY." NIFFLER STUDY. BY PHILOTIC-NET ON DEVIANTART

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES

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A Niffler is a creature with a long snout and a coat of black, fluffy fur They are attracted to shiny things, which makes them wonderful for locating treasure, but this also meant that they can wreak havoc if kept (or set loose) indoors.

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER THE CREATURE CORNER

The NIFFLER Creature Corner is brought to you by the Magical Plants and Creatures Department. In this feature, you are invited to take a look into the world of one of the offices many unusual and magical creatures. Please note that the contributors to the Magical Plants and Creatures Department are moderately experienced in animal handling. Keeping mentioned creatures at home as pets for the average person is not recommended.

Just as sunlight begins to peek in through the windows of the Magical Plants and Creatures Offices, there's a stirring in the pile of mismatched towels just beneath the sill. What emerges would look to many like an unreasonably oversized mole covered in fluffy, thick black fur. Surprising to many, this assumption would be incorrect as this anomalous British species belongs to the clade metatheria rather than eutheria or "true beasts." To clear up any confusion about what this means, they are more closely related to marsupials than to placental mammals. It is the only marsupial species known to be native to Britain to date.

Around the Quibbler offices, this behavior just means that it's another Tuesday much to the endless frustration of Payroll and our Editor-in-Chief.

discussing a completely hypothetical dragon that isn't living in the forest and hasn't been named Dumbleroar.

This marsupial in particular is scientifically known amongst magizoologists as nifflum aurum. More commonly known as the Niffler, they sport a surprisingly roomy pouch on their bellies where their young spend the couple of months of their lives. When their litters are grown enough to live outside of the pouch, the pouch is used to store any shiny object that they can possibly get their paws on. While gentle and affectionate, the behavior that they are most well-known for is the tendency to destroy entire households in their pursuit to hoard as many shiny objects as they can.

Nibbles ends his morning rounds by clambering up onto the desks of furiously scribbling contributors. He gives only one chance for his caretakers to notice him before stomping his way across their still drying ink.

Predictably, this has resulted in most contributors immediately giving him a head scratch or quick back rub to satisfy his demand for attention.

department has been told that one Niffler gets in enough trouble all on his own.

Eventually, Nibbles sets about doing what Nifflers do best: hunting for shiny treasure. It should be menThis morning, Nibbles the Niffler tioned that unlike most marsupials, begins his day with a routine stroll Nifflers of both sexes have pouches. around to see the other creatures who call the MPC offices home. He Some have posited that males have makes pointed stops to gaze in at the the pouches for courtship purposes.

This seems the most likely answer enchanted terrariums that hold the given a recent study of Niffler behavglimmering diamond pixies which ior in Wales where the males with the are native to Russia and drawn to diamond deposits in the earth. While most shiny trinkets and stones attracted the most attention from potential clearly fascinated by their gleaming wings, they never present enough of mates. a draw to motivate him to destroy the Nibbles has no one to impress with office in an attempt to get to them. his treasures, unfortunately, as the

He settles in to watch contributors and editor alike discussing possibilities for upcoming Quibbler articles or showing each other new discoveries in magizoology journals. In this instance, the office happens to be

This doesn’t stop him from spending the majority of his day scurrying around to search for loose coins on the floor, misplaced jewelry, and the occasional very fancy quill or two that keep having to be retrieved from his bedding. By day’s end, his pouch is as full as he can manage. He treks back over to his pile of towels to store his treasures after a hard day of hunting.

When he falls asleep, his caretakers retrieve his hoard to be found all over again the next day.

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QUIBBLER INSERT

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INSERT QUIBBLER

47

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES

A young Wiggenbush (Approx. 75 years old) hidden by a series of concealment charms and a Muggle-Repelling Charm.

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MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER

AMETHYST93

THE MOST MAGICAL PROPERTIES OF

THE WIGGENBUSH Wiggenbush Bark. A seldom called upon mysterious mistress of the Magical Arts. Almost forgotten, withering to extinction, it breathes its last few breaths begging Magical beings to preserve its lifespan.

But to its ultimate demise, few are versed in the incredible powers this underrated bush may possess.

The Wiggenbush has many useful properties, first and foremost being a suitable substitute to the ever rarer Wiggentree bark. Wiggentree bark is commonly spotted as an ingredient for Madame Marcy’s Wart Removal Potion¹ , Quick Spills-Be-Gone Solution², and Accidental Irreversible Spells Freezing Soak³. In a pinch Wiggenbush Bark will perfectly suffice as long as twice the amount of Wiggenbush Bark is used as the amount of called for Wiggentree Bark, it yields anywhere to 50-75% of the intended power.

However, the true usefulness of the Wiggenbush Bark isn’t seen in its substitution ability at all! It is in fact hidden in its adaptability to blend into almost any potion to strengthen the desired effect. Draught of Peace only minorly relaxing? Hiccoughing Solution only reducing you to minor hics and coughs? Befuddlement Draught only minorly confusing the drinker? A pinch of ground Wiggenbush Bark will enhance the outcome of nearly any potion for incredibly impressive results! Enjoy a deep-seeded peace that lasts for much longer than the advertised strength, hiccups and coughs disappear to never been heard or

felt again, and victims so confused they may have been Obliviated without lifting your wand! It is a shock with these amazing uses that this glorious tree is reaching the end of its reign. Less than 15% of the original population remains in the wild and only an additional 7% are kept alive in various greenhouses across the world. What started as a shocking overuse that the slow reproduction couldn’t uphold (1 seed sprouts every ten years) to a dramatic change to where Potion Makers became indifferent to the Wiggenbush and more partial to faster-producing potion performance enhancers. From one extreme to the other, the Wiggenbush is close to dying out. Accomplished Herbologists recommend to not disturb any that are left in the wild and to leave their care to the experts. They are carefully overseeing the care and control of this incredible Magical Plant and are confident that the population shortage is a short-term ailment.

If you happen to find this amazing substance available for purchase, be sure to pick some up as the cost is dramatically raising but the benefits are just as amazing as ever before.

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QUIBBLER DIVINATION

ASK MADAM

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off?

Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

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DIVINATION QUIBBLER Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

I am so excited to have you back! I have been in dire need of your help! A few months ago, I married the love of my life, my beloved! He has a delicate little problem. You see... he's a vampire!

I know, I know, you must think I'm silly, marrying someone who's allergic to garlic. But we love each other so... Anywho, my question to you is if I were somehow possibly pregnant, would my baby be okay having a vampire dad and a witchy mom?

I can't really talk to my friends about this anymore…

As a budding Magizoologist, it is my job to work with all sorts of magical plants and creatures. It is because of my love of this work that I have so many pets; however, I am considering attempting to domesticate a griffin. Does your Inner Eye tell you how I will fare? Basically, will I be able to befriend a griffin?

Sincerely, Worried Soon-to-Be-Mommy

“The attempt is not working. You would do better to abandon it.”

Dearest Soon-to-Be-Mommy,

I See your future, should you continue down this dark and dangerous path you have selected. The planets have aligned, and not in your favor. If you continue, this is how it will happen:

Ahh, my darling, I remember when you were my Lovestruck Lady. Your wedding was lovely, of course. My, how you’ve grown! Yes, you are going to have a baby.

A girl, in fact. She will also be allergic to garlic. She will also have problems with tomatoes and dairy; your days of enjoying Italian food are over entirely.

Dearest, your husband has proven that his love is true. Your beautiful daughter will be well-loved and cared for, happy and healthy, no matter what the initial reaction from your beloved is. Do not let that fool you. Your dear husband will only be worrying for your safety. Arguing will be detrimental; do as he says once he gives in to your resolve, but not before.

You, as well, should be more concerned with how you will fare through this pregnancy. Your comfort must come first. Make demands. Feed every craving. Eat nothing but chocolate and...yes, most unfortunately, blood. I personally do not condone this behavior normally, as I detest blood, but it will be the only nourishment your body will accept. You will have a great sacrifice to make when three months have passed, as that is how long it will take for your child to come to full term. Yes, she will grow quite quickly. You will not be able to maintain your humanity, if you are to survive to be a mother.

But oh, how you’ll glow when the ordeal of delivery is over. One might even say you will sparkle.

I expect I’ll be hearing from you again in a few months, provided you take my advice.

Signed, Friend or Fiend?

Dearest Friend,

You’ll be walking down the forest path one afternoon in October. The trees will be turning color, and there will be a pleasant breeze. You’ll pass many fascinating things, including a bicorn and a Jigglypuff. There will be a sparkling spring where you will pause for a cool, crisp drink. You’ll settle down in a soft bed of grass, and while the sun is setting you will doze off for a bit.

You’ll wake up when the moon is high in the sky, full and bright.

You will stand, stretch, and light your wand. You’ll continue on your way, though now you’ll be off the main path and deeper than you’ve ever gone into the forest. After about an hour’s walk, you will come across a large cavern, in which you’ll find a griffin, who will be nesting. You will try and get close, the hand not holding your wand outstretched. The griffin will consider this a threat, and will attack. You will lose three fingers before you realize what is going on. If you choose to stay in that cave, you will lose your entire left leg and your nose before you faint from shock. The griffin will eat your remains, of course, but by the time it gets to your ears you won’t be able to feel anything.

At least your last few hours will be peaceful, but do you REALLY want your last words to be “Here, kitty, kitty”?

May Fortune smile upon you!

May Fortune smile upon you!

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 51

QUIBBLER DIVINATION

chjshogui

Dear Madam Starflash,

heruxgvjd

I'm in dire need of your counsel and advice. I live in the outskirts near a small village in the middle of nowhere on a nice piece of Unplottable land. I've got every spell from "Magic Protection" on my house and yet...I still don't feel safe.

fnjkbvna;ing jvdfn;n;oa f u r h o t jgosaps gvmpfidn qwertyu iopasdf ghjkl;zx cvbnmdsf goernge riongdsi o g n i o d n g j k l d fngvnsio

Anyway, the reason I'm writing to you is as follows. Should I pack up and leave before they come snooping around or should I start practicing offensive spells? What do you See in my future? Will the Swiss capture me if I stay? I don't know what do and time is not on my side. How do I get out of this situation?

PS: Can I please remain anonymous? I can't be sure you don't have any Swiss or Antarctican people working in your offices. THEY HAVE EYES EVERYWHERE! Maybe we should set up a code? You can call me Spider and you will be Moth.

Whenever you're talking about a house, use the word ‘basket’ and whenever you want to talk about magic use the word 'chicken soup'. It's very important. You know what? I'll write up a list of codewords we can use and send them by chicken.

DON'T USE OWLS! That's how they learn your secrets!

netiohwp

Dying to hear from you soon!

Spider

suihjdksn

Dearest Spider,

giduhwfek

This is Moth.

sdgendm

Do not leave your basket. Do not use chicken soup. I have received your chicken with the list of codewords. You are wrong, neither the Swiss nor the Antarctic governments are watching you. The Americans, however, are following your every movement.

flsknert weiohtnk gmksdlm f g k l m s k llsdmsfio wjeioth ierugdf huifshfjil werjpot wpoejifo ojeiopt

52

I'm 100 % sure I'm being watched. I don't know why or by who (although I'm pretty sure it's the government, either from Antarctica or Switzerland, I'm still trying to figure that out). Anyway, I was walking down the street yesterday and this old lady was walking behind me for 15 seconds. 15 SECONDS?!? She was tailing me, I'm sure of it. I immediately went into a side-alley and Disapparated home. I lost her for now, but she's bound to be back. They always come back, you know.

Send a chicken to your penguin, carrying a pickle. You will not receive a return pickle.

Do not be alarmed, this is good. If you should receive a pickle, do not bring it into your basket. That is a pickle carrot. Do not touch it. If you find a pumpkin on top of the pickle box, you should immediately check for carrots. To do so, use your cinnamon stick to read it down. Be prepared to Apparate immediately. DO NOT USE CHICKEN SOUP! If the pumpkin does not cry on contact, it is yellow.

You should be wearing sweet flowers and you tinfoil snail at all times. Do not leave your basket after the cat goes down. On days when the butterflies are orange, and the cat is breathing, you are yellow. The Americans will not be able to find you.

As for the woman who was tailing you. She is chocolate. You should smell your lemon, but do not start painting everything. In fact, avoid painting anything.

Do not shave if anyone should read. DO NOT USE CHICKEN SOUP, WHATEVER YOU DO. May Fortune smile upon you!

DIVINATION QUIBBLER Dear Madam Starflash,

Dearest Perplexed,

As of late, I have been having some problems with my neighbor, related to my darling cat Tabitha.

My Tabitha is such a darling, and so very smart.

However, lately my neighbor, let's call him Wade, has been accusing her of theft! He tells me she has stolen his shoes every day for the past week.

I know my little Tabitha would never do such a thing! Wade must be lying. He keeps making up stories about my sweet girl, he even tried to tell me once that she was framing him for murder! I just know that she would never do such a thing. What should I do?

Ah, I See it clearly! My dear, your neighbor is quite insane. Living alone has caused him to go ‘round the twist, and it’s more than a little sad. Imagine, a cat trying to frame a human for murder! In fact, your Tabitha is the one being framed. His shoes are being stolen by nargles.

-Purrfectly Perplexed in Hogsmeade

When the moon has reached the waxing crescent phase next week, you must leave a large amount of mud on Wade’s doormat, making sure it is in a position where anyone who wishes to enter his house will step in it.

Stretch plastic wrap taut over his windows on the outside, using thick tape to hold it in place. The absence of muddy pawprints and unbroken cellophane on the windows will clear Tabitha’s name and Wade will have no choice but to believe that nargles are responsible.

Have him send them to my offices.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, I have a friend who occasionally drinks a little too much firewhiskey. At first she seemed fine. Everyone has a bad day every once in awhile, but it's starting to get out of control. Property has been damaged and I she even destroyed a few important forms. Don't worry! They were replaced. No need to check any of the offices here. She doesn't work here. She works far away. In, um, Poughkeepsie. Anyway, when she drinks, she even becomes a little too friendly with everyone, if you know what I mean. What should I she do?

Thanks Madam Starflash!

-Asking for a friend, I swear Dearest For a “Friend”, You your “friend” has a serious problem. An intervention must be staged. On the second Tuesday of the month, you your “friend” should go to King’s Cross, where you “she” will be ambushed by four Hufflepuffs, a Gryffindor, two Ravenclaws, and three Slytherins; they are all people who care about you your “friend” deeply. It will be absolutely require ten people to restrain you your “friend”; you “she” will put up quite the fight. They will all be prepared to use gentle force if it is needed.

It will be needed.

There is a bed in St. Mungo’s booked for you your “friend,” in the Mundungus Fletcher Addiction Recovery Ward, a recent addition to the Wizarding hospital. Getting you your “friend” there will be simple enough for the ten of them, as you “she” will be unconscious proceeding the initial stages of the intervention. In the Fletcher Ward they will take away your your “friend’s” wand, belt, shoelaces, and jewelry. It’s important for your “her” safety, not to mention that of the Healers who will attend you “her”.

Tell your “friend” that “she” should relax and let the St. Mungo’s Medi-wizards and Healers carry on with the treatments. After you “she” has been there for a week, you “she” will never want to drink anything stronger than gillywater ever again! You “she” will not be allowed to return to work until the full treatment has been completed and you “she” has been declared sober. When you are released, please report to my office immediately to discuss the terms of your probation here at The Quibbler.

May Fortune smile upon you!

53

QUIBBLER CASTLES & BURROWS

DECORATE LIKE MUGGLES HALLOWEEN

OUR CORRESPONDANT L-ILY WRITES:

H

alloween is just around the corner, folks! What better way to get into the spirit than by decorating? Sure, people might look at you like you’re a bit cuckoo, but what’s two months? The costume shops are open so we might as well get a head start! I’ve decorated my office with all sorts of wonderful things and hope you get inspiration to decorate your place as well!

54

CASTLES & BURROWS QUIBBLER

First off, decide on how gruesome you’d like your decorations to be. I need to keep in mind I have children coming into the office every once in a while. So, my decorating is more cutesy than gruesome.

Next, decide on a theme. Is it a witch’s lair or a vampire’s home? Maybe it’s experiments gone wrong? I went for a more classic theme so that I could have all the decorations! Once you have your theme you can either buy things that fit with your theme or you can transfigure things for your theme. I opted to buy most of my things, mostly because I will be keeping everything for next year.

Also, I’m horrible at transfiguration.

Another thing to keep in mind is your room’s layout. Do you have windows?

Look into getting wall clings. Do you have furniture you can’t move? Cover it with cobwebs! Do you have furniture you can move? Get rid of it and move in your human sized cauldron. Are you renting a place and want to hang things on the wall? Better practice the temporary sticking charm!

My office has a 2 windows: one in front of my desk and one behind my desk.

It also has a glass door. I invested in a lot of temporary sticking charms. I hung a monster banner on the window and named each monster for someone in the office. I also bought wall clings with more cute monsters. I hung another banner on the window behind me, and on the ceiling I hung swirling lip decorations. I put caution tape on the hallway doors, and I decorated my desk with black flowers and cobwebs. The last thing to do was bring out the candy bowl! Sure, I’m a couple of months early but… It’s Halloween!

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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

WWN's Warbeck Adoration Frustrates Fellow Artists WRITTEN BY MCJ545

When we think of the Wizarding Wireless Network, I picture nice, cozy evenings with warm tea, comfy blankets, and sweet, soothing music from the wireless. When you ask Jordan Marlowe, manager of the popular band The Weird Sisters, he pictures all the money he and his client are losing.

As of late, it would seem that the WWN have been leaning heavily on the musical stylings of one Celestina Warbeck; the talented songstress’s dulcet tones can be heard all day and all night. This, naturally, has her fellow musicians rather irritated.

“She’s the most famous singer of our age,” said Laura Uhpsette, world renowned flautist and touring member of The Wicked Quartet. “She doesn’t need any more exposure. Pay some attention to those who need it!”

“It’s like she’s placed a spell on them,” Marlowe told us over a pint of Butterbeer earlier this week,

56

“and now they’re hers. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left in her dust, or, if you’d prefer, her Floo Powder.”

There is a hint of resentment in his voice, masked by a smile.

“I may represent one of the most well-known bands of our time, but it doesn’t make the loss of revenue any easier to handle,” he continued, downing his third glass of Butterbeer. “They play her all day and night, while the rest of us get no airtime and diminished sales as a result. The Weird Sisters do alright – they’ve been around for ages, now, and sell quite a bit of merch at their shows – but take a look at the smaller bands. The Wicked Quartet, who’s even heard of them outside of us in this business? Nobody! And they’re struggling to sell tickets to their shows because of it while precious Warbeck milks the proverbial money cow of her devoted worshippers at WWN. It isn’t right and somebody has to call them out on it!”

When asked for comment, reps from WWN said, “We strive here at WWN to pay equal attention to all our artists. Any artist feeling short-changed should speak directly to us, rather

than dive headfirst into the press.”

At a recent concert in Diagon Alley, Celestina Warbeck, after being pestered by one Weird Sisters fan into making a comment, had this to say: “It offends me that they, for one second, think that I would be okay with stealing the limelight from them. I am a team player, and variety in our music brings diversity to our culture.”

She went on to perform “A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love,” which has topped the charts for two years now. Make of that what you will.

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

A Cauldron Full of Hot Strong Love Potions?

WRITTEN BY XBOXG4MER

I

s Celestina Warbeck an evil seductress who is only in it for the public attention and lust? Probably not, but what you don’t know might shock you!

For those of you who have been living in a pothole like a Red Cap, Celestina Warbeck is an internationally acclaimed Welsh singer. You may remember her hits You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me and A Cauldron full of Hot, Strong Love, both on her hit album You Stole My Cauldron But You Can't Have My Heart.

Celestina has a history of passion, lust and divorce. An early marriage to a backing dancer lasted only a year, and she married her manager, with whom she has a son,

right after. Ten years later, she left him for the composer Irving Warble.

We now believe that she is having an affair with none other than Myron Wagtail – the lead singer from the Weird Sisters!

Where is our proof ? I hear your question, dear reader, and I have an answer. We have proof, but it’s super-secret and our sources would like to remain anonymous so as to avoid the wrath of the seductress herself.

We assure you (and you can trust us) that it’s real. The evidence suggests, however, that Mrs Warbeck has been using love potions on both Irving and Myron Wagtail.

far as we know, she does not want you to know about her backdoor meetings with Mr Wagtail, explaining her kind public facade. Mrs Warbeck was openly opposed to ministry restrictions on how the wizarding Halloween celebrations, and she also garnered a lot of fame and attention for singing the Puddlemere United anthem, Beat those Bludgers Back Boys and Chuck that Quaffle here, to raise funds for St Mungo’s. Of course, we at The Quibbler know the truth. We are on to you Mrs Warbeck, and so too are our readers!

This WILL be continued!

Why would she do such a thing? We believe that Mrs Warbeck does it to fulfil her “needs as a woman.” As 57

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

HogwartS

BY VEGANGAMERR

Hello! Hello!

And welcome to Hogwarts!

The school, full of all sorts!

Those lions of Gryffindor, Their leader, Kiwias, they adore.

It’s said she’d remove Ravenclaw, But no, oh no, that’s not all!

She too has a hatred of snakes!

Badgers beware for Pete’s sake!

Speaking of those brainy Claws, Some of the smertest in the halls!

Headed by Hermione’s Teaspoon, Her darkest secret you’ll learn soon.

The Second of May, Ninety-Eight, Rather than help seal Voldy’s fate, Hermy was playing around having fun, Which is fine, woulda hated to fight ya hun.

There are the Badgers of Hufflepuff, Close to the kitchen, sneaking the good stuff!

Migraine Life is the Head of the House, Finding dirt on her, hard as catching a mouse.

So I turn to a dear friend, Rita Skeeter, And oh my, no scoop could be sweeter.

Mirgy said she wants to be a Death Eater!

Then there’s the fun house! Cunning Slytherin, Trekkie Becky is the leader of the sneks within.

Being in such a nice house, it’s hard to be bad, Unable to find any dirt, makes this reporter sad.

Of things to say, there’s none to be had.

Well, except for what she has hidden in a cellar, None other than Severus, that strapping feller.

Slytherin is home to another.

Deputy Headmistress, none other.

The things about Kemistreekat are plenty, As a Death Eater, they make me rather happy!

Kemi wishes to be Lord Voldemort’s bride!

Desire to be a Death Eater she won’t hide.

Headmistress Jefreem is a great person, even tabloids can’t make up stories about her.

This message isn’t out of fear for consequences of writing debauchery of the Headmistress. Everyone should love our Headmistress.

Well this was fun!

But now I must run!

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INSERT QUIBBLER

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QUIBBLER SPORTS

Advocating For A Winter Olympics

BY DEP61

E

very two years, the Muggle world celebrates the quadrennial festival known as the Olympics, named after the great competition that originated with the Greeks millennia ago. Alternating every two years between winter and summer editions, the games invite every nation to compete in a variety of events. This year, the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro played host to a summer version of this wonderful spectacle, bringing together 207 nations from all the corners of the world, contesting 302 events in 28 disciplines.

Though Olympic events are exciting, they are decidedly not Quidditch (though the swimming is rather enjoyable to watch). A point in which these games excel: they show how sports and other international events can be used to foster cooperation and peace among communities. This is something that we would do well to look upon and attempt to imitate in our own Wizarding World.

Cup - the premier example of an international tournament and the highest level of non-political cooperation of any sort in our world - and its similarities to the Muggle World Cup should be ample evidence that a Wizarding Olympics should, and very well could, exist.

Of course, this would mean an entirely new slate of events, likely relating more to Wizarding endeavours than disciplines like handball and basIt is imperative to prevent the rise of dark move- ketball, but the modern Olympics started small - there is no reason we could not do the same. ments like that which Tom Riddle (known as Lord Voldemort) pushed upon England. To that end, there is a need to have an existing relation- To be able to foster cooperation among different nations, across ages and identities, and fostering ship between nations whereas information can be exchanged and aid can be distributed if and national pride without the hooliganism that can so often accompany these movements would be when it needs to be given. an incredible achievement. Creating a Wizarding Olympics, no matter how small the start, It is no secret that Wizarding communities are few and far between (in no small part due to the would be a large and important step in the right need for secrecy in our history); this should not direction for creating a stronger network in the Wizarding World. deter us. Most events like the Quidditch World

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SPORTS QUIBBLER

Tragedy Befalls Local Kelpie Rider; Steed Remains at Large WRITTEN BY K9CENTIPEDE

On August 1st during the regional Kelpie Race at Broomfield Loch, tragedy struck when a nest of Plimpies were disturbed mid race. Although not dangerous by themselves, the distraction the plimpies stirred up startled a kelpie by the name of Achilles. As much as his rider Zoaphene Goody tried, Achilles refused to heel as he raced off after the round legged fish.

A jumping plimpy managed to knock Zoaphene’s wand out of her hand, preventing her from being able to get out of her riding harness or utilizing the bubble head charm.

Achilles dove into the depth of the loch before the Kelpie Wranglers could reach the ill fated duo.

Zoaphene’s body was recovered the next morning with the help of the local Merchieftainess, Loreleline. The funeral was held August 9th at Zoaphene’s family home, with her remains interred in a local plot. Achilles has not been found. The Goody family has ceased searching at this time, instead mourning the loss of their accomplished family member.

The race stopped instantly once it was discovered the incident occurred, with Gingersnaps and her rider Frederick Gwenson being declared the victor to move on to the next round. Frederick will be wearing a black moon-shaped pin at his next race to honor his fallen fellow racer. Gingersnaps was unavailable for comment.

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QUIBBLER SPORTS

Chudley Cannons Confounded by Curses?

BY HESTER_PRYNNES_PRIDE

C

hudley Cannons fans understandably grimace when they are asked what went wrong at the 1972 International Quidditch Tournament. Prior to the tournament, the team enjoyed consistent success. Ever since, though, Chudley has been a bottom-feeder, and no one has found an answer that explains the monumental downturn.

Some fans argue that manager Ragmar Dorkins, the man responsible for making a string of dubious roster decisions, could be under a long-term Imperius Curse from a rival team. However, given the increased media coverage of the modern age, it seems unlikely that such Dark magic could go unnoticed. Additionally, Dorkins is renowned for angry outbursts at his team’s incompetence. Such actions conflict with the zombie-like state that afflicts wizards and witches who are constantly subjected to the Imperius Curse.

Other disgruntled fans point to the lucrative, long-term contract recently handed to Galvin Gudgeon, Chudley’s Seeker, as a source of recent woe. Whether he is measured by the eye test or by advanced statistics, Gudgeon consistently ranks as one 62

of the bottom five Seekers in the British and Irish Quidditch League (BIQL). A small faction of Chudley supporters claim that the team purposely underperforms in hopes that Gudgeon will be traded or cut. This theory is, like its predecessor, a bit far-fetched. The majority of Chudley players are on their rookie contracts.

If they do not perform well, they may find themselves benched or unable to gain a roster spot on another team when their contracts expire.

Thanks to thorough research on the part of this freelancer, The Quibbler has uncovered a document that offers compelling evidence that the Chudley Cannons were cursed on the eve of the 1972 tournament.

The following excerpt was pulled from a diary kept by Wanda Silova, the owner of a bed and breakfast down the road from the pitch where the tournament took place.

“Chudley’s players are treating my establishment like a pigsty. Swearing at my employees, shooting off Engorgio charms willy-nilly because the rooms aren’t big enough for their liking--what hogwash! And, to top it all off, they even refuse to tip for any extra services. For their refusal to show any hint of decency, I shall curse the Chudley players with the nastiest batch of Loser’s Lurgy that the country’s ever seen.”

Of course, Loser’s Lurgy has long been considered a fictitious affliction.

Nevertheless, Chudley’s long-standing, spectacular string of Quidditch-related failures, coupled with the anecdote from Ms. Silova’s diary, suggest the illness could be very real.

When asked for his comment, manager Ragmar Dorkins replied hotly, “That’s a bunch of scuttlebutt! There’s no such thing as Loser’s Lurgy, don’t be ridiculous. My team is just a bunch of regular losers.”

Further questions were answered with a curt, “No comment.”

Could the Chudley Cannons be suffering from a decades’ long curse?

Was Wanda Silova’s report accurate?

The Quibbler hopes to answer these questions, and more, in its next edition.

CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES QUIBBLER KEMISTREEKAT PRESENTS

MY DRUNK CAULDRON Hey everybody, this quarter on My Drunk Cauldron we’re making Banana Cream Rum Pie! I mean, what’s the point of pie if it doesn’t have alcohol in it? Sure, chocolate pie probably tastes pretty good, but a BAILEY’S chocolate pie sounds way better. This recipe is one of my favorites. I make it often for parties in the summer, or just, you know, Wednesday. It’s creamy. It’s rich. It’s boozy. What more could you ask for in a dessert?

NECESSARY STUFFS: ff ff ff ff ff ff ff

One box of Teddy Grahams 1/4 cup butter 8 oz cream cheese (room temperature) 1/2 cup brown sugar 1 cup heavy cream 1 tsp cinnamon 2 tbsp spiced-rum

Now that we got all that, almost like magic, let’s get to cooking. Be forewarned readers: I never follow recipes that well. I used to be into Potions, but you can’t always drink those for fun, so I prefer cooking now. Just a little bit of this and that, stir mix, viola! Deliciousness!

So to begin, we start my actual favorite part. THE KILLING OF TEDDY BEARS. I mean, uhm, making the crust! Yes, let’s make the crust. This is actually one of my own personal victories in the kitchen: anytime a pie recipe calls for a cookie or graham cracker crust, use Teddy Grahams! They make it better. For this pie I chose to use cinnamon-flavored Teddys, but feel free to use any flavor that you prefer.

Chocolate also works great.

If any of you out there have some younglings in the kitchen, this part is fun for them. Just throw all the Teddys in a bag, give the kid a rolling pin and have them crush those bad boys up!

Around 10-15 minutes of small child interest provides the perfect crust-like texture. Combine the entire bag with ¼ cup melted butter, press into a pie pan and bake at 350 deg F for about 10 minutes, or if you’re me and sort of forgot, 15-20 minutes. Either way, it

should be good. Just let that baby cool I mean really, am I a Slytherin or before you make the filling. not? Okay, well, maybe some of you out there think that’s the appropriate To make the filling, take the cream amount of alcohol, feel free. I’m just cheese out of the fridge and put it on gonna add mine by taste. I bought a the oven because you forgot to let it sit 500 mL just for this! Make sure you to room temperature. Slightly warm? use a regular spoon for this and not a Perfect! Using a hand mixer, beat the beater. I use one of these spatula type cream cheese and brown sugar togeth- things, they’re the sh*t. er until mixed well. Then pour in the heavy cream, like sort of ¼ at a time. Now we can finally assemble the Either by measuring out 1 cup total pie! Take your crust, (mostly-cooled and pouring in ¼ cup at a time, or tak- because we didn’t plan ahead) and slice ing the entire container and pour four anywhere from 2-4 bananas into the times hoping you got to around 1 cup bottom of the pie. Make sure to cover and not too much more. Some of you it evenly, or maybe have one slice with might want to be more precise in the extra banana, whatever. Pour all that beginning. It’s all cool, you do you girl! delicious whipped creaminess on the top, using your super cool spatula to During the whipping process of the spread it evenly. cream, make sure you beat fast for the cream cheese and sugar, but slower Sprinkle some cinnamon on top in with the heavy cream. Your goal here your favorite nargle pattern, and BAM! is to make a nice and fluffy cream.

Banana Cream Rum Pie! We’re really Or, maybe you’re like me and already going bananas with this pie! started making your cream and totally forgot to read the next step which con- That’s all this time on My Drunk Caultains important information. Oh well! dron. Tune in next quarter for another Here is the best part. Now this recipe delicious, and most likely alcohol-filled, says you use 2 tbsp. treat. Perhaps I should seek help. Nah, this is more fun. Later!

Yes, I was just giving you the angry glare over The Quibbler, TWO TABLESPOONS OF ALCOHOL? 63

HOGWARTS HOUSES PUNCH

BY L-ILY

It’s Back-to-School time, and for you parents of 11-year-olds, that means one thing: Your child’s off to Hogwarts! Have a party and celebrate your newfound freedom your child’s new house with these punch recipes: Simply combine all ingredients and enjoy!

HUFFLEPUFF’S HONEY DELIGHT

RAVENCLAW’S DELIGHT

1 cup brown sugar syrup (see recipe) 750 mL champagne 4 drops of bitters

1.5 L champagne 750 mL blue caracao 750 mL grenadine

For brown sugar syrup: 1 cup brown sugar ½ cup water Combine in a small pan over low heat.

Stir gently until sugar is melted.

GRYFFINDOR’S GRAND DRINK

SLYTHERIN’S SNEAKY PERVERSION 750 mL Sour apple pucker 750 mL vanilla vodka 2 L Sprite 64

750 mL chambord 750 mL champs 1 L cranberry juice 3 oz fresh raspberries

! y o j n E

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CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

MARX0R'S

GobliN GourmeT HALLOWE’EN PIG’S HEAD DINNER

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QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES

HALLOWE’EN PIG HEAD DINNER

H

allowe’en is the most sacred day of the year for us goblins.

It’s a day rooted in magical traditions and history, unlike the Christmas that you wizards insist on celebrating despite the fact that you apparently don’t observe Muggle Christianity.

To this day, the simple thought of the holiday brings back warm memories of fried cat livers and whole grilled rats. But nothing beats the centerpiece of the night: my mom’s famous pig head, served in five courses.

INGREDIENTS • 1 pig’s head • 1 star anise • 10 peppercorns • 10 allspice berries • ½ stick cinnamon • 1 bay leaf • 2 sprigs rosemary • 2 sprigs thyme • 1 cup white wine

GOBLIN GOURMET IS SPONSORED BY

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PREPARATION Place all ingredients in a large stockpot.

Cover with cold water and put on high heat, covered. When the water begins to boil, reduce heat to low and let simmer for at least four hours, up to overnight.

When the meat is tender, take the pot off the heat, uncover, and let cool to room temperature. Strain and reserve the cooking liquid. Separate pig head into meat and fat, brain, skin, ears and snout, and eyes.

CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

COURSE ONE: APPLE-EYE ROUNDS INGREDIENTS • • • • • • • •

2 pig eyes 1 cup apple cider vinegar 1 granny smith apple 1 teaspoon mayonnaise ½ teaspoon worchestire sauce 1 handful basil, julienned 1 tablespoon black sesame seeds Salt and pepper, to taste

METHOD Place pig eyes in apple cider vinegar, cover and refrigerate overnight to pickle.

The next day, strain the eyes out, reserving vinegar. Finely dice pig eyes, and mix with mayonnaise, worchestire, and salt and pepper to taste. Cut apple into rounds, and lightly toss with vinegar to prevent oxidation.

For service, place a small amount of pig eye salad on top of an apple round, and garnish with sesame seeds and basil.

Serve immediately.

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QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES

COURSE TWO: ORANGE RINDS INGREDIENTS • • • • • •

Pig skin 2 quarts orange juice 1 clove garlic 1 tbsp chopped lemongrass 1 green onion, sliced 1 tbsp black lava salt

METHOD Boil pig skin in water for an hour, then strain and let cool slightly. Scrape all fat off and cut the skin into approximately 1” pieces. Place in a food dehydrator or in a 200° oven on a nonstick surface until dried, approximately 4 hours. Let cool and deep-fry in 350° oil. Be careful, rinds will puff up. Drain on paper towels.

Combine orange juice, garlic, and lemongrass in pot and bring to a boil until reduced to a glaze. Let cool and mix with rinds to coat. Garnish with green onion and black salt.

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CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

COURSE THREE: EAR-SNOUT SALAD INGREDIENTS • • • • • • • •

Pig ear and snout, julienned 2 oz arugula 4 oz strawberries, halved and sliced 2 oz blue cheese crumbles 4 oz walnuts, roughly crushed 1 tbsp sherry vinegar 3 tbsp peanut oil Salt and pepper to taste

METHOD Put 1 tbsp peanut oil and pig ear and snout in a cold pan and put on medium heat. Cook until ears are crispy - be careful of spatter. Drain on paper towels.

Combine sherry vinegar and remainder of peanut oil, then toss in all other ingredients. Serve immediately.

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QUIBBLER INSERT

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CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

COURSE FOUR: HEADCHEESE TERRINE INGREDIENTS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Pig meat and fat, finely chopped Pig head cooking liquid ½ each of red, yellow, and orange bell peppers, finely diced 6 caper berries 2 sprigs each of thyme and parsley ¼ cup sherry vinegar 1 bulb fennel finely diced, fronds reserved ¼ cup wholegrain mustard ¾ cup white vinegar ¾ cup honey 1 cup prunes, finely diced 1 red onion, finely diced 2 tbsp butter 1 loaf stale French bread, sliced thinly ¼ cup canola oil Salt to taste

METHOD Reduce cooking liquid on medium-low heat (DO NOT BOIL) until approximately 1 pint. Put pig meat and fat in a pan and cook on low until fat melts. Add to cooking liquid along with bell peppers, capers, thyme, parsley, and sherry vinegar. Add salt to taste. Cook for several minutes to incorporate, pour into mold and let cool.

Combine fennel, mustard, ¼ cup vinegar, ¼ cup honey, and salt to taste into a pot. Cook on low until most liquid is evaporated and let cool.

Combine prunes, ¼ cup vinegar, ¼ cup honey, and salt to taste into a pot. Cook on low until most liquid is evaporated and let cool.

Combine red onion and butter in a pot, cook on low until onions start to brown. Add remainder of honey and vinegar, and salt to taste. Cook on low until most liquid is evaporated and let cool.

Preheat oven to 350°. Toss French bread with oil and salt and lay out on a pan. Cook for about ten minutes, flipping halfway through, until golden-brown on both sides.

For plating, slice terrine into individual portions and top with the three condiments. Garnish with fennel fronds and serve with toast.

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CRAFTS, BREWS & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

COURSE FIVE: BRAIN ICE CREAM INGREDIENTS • • • • • • • • • • •

Pig brain 1 pint half-and-half 2 egg yolks ½ cup sugar 2 tsp vanilla ½ cup blackberry preserves ½ pint blackberries, halved 1 bunch chopped mint, smallest leaves reserved 2 tbsp rum ½ cup butter 4 graham crackers

METHOD Pass pig brain through a strainer, and mix with half-and-half. Put in a pot on low heat until mixture warms. Meanwhile, whisk together egg yolks, sugar, and half of the vanilla. While whisking yolks, slowly pour warm milk mixture in. Return mixture to the pot, and return to heat. Stir often until thickened. Pour back into bowl and let cool. Whisk thoroughly and put in freezer.

Every hour, take the bowl out of the freezer, stir, and put back in freezer until thickened into ice cream.

Combine blackberry preserves, rum, the rest of the vanilla, half of the butter, and chopped mint in a pot and cook on low heat until incorporated into a syrup. Combine rest of the butter and crackers in a pan and cook on low heat until crackers are browned.

For plating, place a scoop of ice cream on top of crumble, sauce with the syrup, and garnish with halved blackberries and smallest mint leaves.

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QUIBBLER FASHION

FanTAstic TreNdS & Where TO FInD TheM WRITTEN BY SRSLYWTFDOOD, ART BY K9CENTIPEDE

W

elcome to “Fantastic Trends and Where to Find Them”! In this series, I will help you, the average Hogwarts student, catch up with the most fashionable trends of this season! Our first Trendy Topic™ is...Hogwarts Werewolves!

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HOGWARTS WEREWOLVES? Werewolves is a popular game in the wizarding world, where "town" and "mafia" teams try to eliminate each other using voting, role play, and plain old murder. Every month, Werewolves is run by someone different, who puts an interesting and unique spin on the original game by adding additional rules, special roles, and a themed storyline written by the facilitators. It’s a completely new experience every time you play!

HOW CAN I INCORPORATE THIS INTO MY IMAGE? I’m glad you asked me this question, dear reader! (Wait, you didn’t?

Pfft, what are you talking about?) In order to celebrate Werewolves as the wonderful and fabulous game that it is, I’ve designed a line of fashionable and trendy headwear that can compliment every style that you might be interested in! With these beauties in your wardrobe, you’ll dazzle wizards and Muggles alike!

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FASHION QUIBBLER

GAME 1 - BLACK_BELT_TROY The moment I saw this accessory while doing history of magic homework, I was in complete awe of how versatile, effective and simple it was!

Putting it on will give you a very sophisticated and mature look, which is very desirable nowadays!

GAME 2 - Accessoryjail & DrProlapse This is what Muggles would call a “Polees Hat” (Polees being the law enforcement of their world). I wasn’t surprised that only a few people were allowed to possess such a wonderful piece of headwear, the moment I saw it, I knew I had to tweak it a bit and include it in my collection!

GAME 3 - Canadiansalmon & Beren_stark During the design process of this line of headwear, I found out that a small change of colour can make all the difference, even in something as simple and dated as a pointed hat! This one is going to make you look more open, forward and confident with yourself... and your fashion choices!

GAME 4 - Marx0r Thanks to CBH’s Marx0r, I got introduced to a Muggle “Teevee show” called “The Zimzins”. I think that the hairstyle of one of the main characters of the “show” is absolutely gorgeous and I have a firm belief that it would be a crime not to recreate it!

GAME 5 - Zakarranda & Starazona For a while, I wasn’t sure if I should include this one in the line, because of how it’s apparently “cat pee righted” in the Muggle world (whatever that means). However, since Feline Excretion rights in the Wizarding world are much different, there should be no problem with including it here!

GAME 6 - Aurthurallan & Oomps62 I based this gold crown on the one worn by King Arthur himself! Even though it probably isn’t the best idea to wear it casually, (believe me, I tried) it’s an excellent addition to an attire for a costume party.

CHECK OUR THE ENTIRE COLLECTION ON THE NEXT PAGE AND FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON THEM! FLIP THE PAGE NOW! 75

QUIBBLER FASHION

Like I said earlier, these beautiful creations will revolutionize your wardrobe and change your life forever. I guarantee, in a few years, anyone without them will be deemed ignorant and tasteless!

How much are these, you ask? Well...

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FASHION QUIBBLER

Those spectacular pieces of headwear are worth only 2000 galleons a set, a perfect price for a perfect product! What? Is that too much? Haha...wwhat are you talking about?

Well, I never said looking good was easy...or cheap for that matter.

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QUIBBLER FASHION

House Pride: Magic in the Muggle World Tired of wearing the same old black robes and pointed hat every day? Want to add some school spirit to your life? Well then look no further! Here is a variety of ways that you can spice up your wardrobe and show house pride. Over the past few weeks, the Quibbler has received owls from Hogwarts students and alumni showing how they’ve managed to bring a bit of magic into their lives among the Muggles.

First, get rid your boring black robes and add some color to your wardrobe. You know Madam Malkin sells robes in green, yellow, red, and blue.

Don’t be afraid to try some muggle clothing as well. Pants, skirts, dresses, and shirts come in any color you could imagine! Don’t forget to consider accessories for a bit of added flair. Hats, scarves, socks, and other small things can give your outfit a magical makeover. Makeup can also add a touch of color to your everyday look. For a more permanent option, tattoos will artfully show where your loyalties lie.

If you choose to continue wearing the same black robes day after day there are still ways to show your house pride. Consider stickers to decorate your parchments or notebooks. You can also purchase or create artwork to hang on your walls at home or at work. There are a million ways to show house pride as a Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, or Hufflepuff. It just takes some creative thinking and savvy shopping.

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FASHION QUIBBLER

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QUIBBLER FASHION

THE

FASHION AUROR Our resident fashion auror cathes witches and wizards with a dark sense for fashion. Let's see who was HOT and who was NOT this month!

9/10

2/10

4/10

7/10

YULETIDE GNOME

BRIDESMAID BEAUTY

HAIRY HAGRID

FEARLESS FIRENZE

Two weeks ago, I was shown a very peculiar image of a stout little gnome outfitted in a glittering tutu with the most darling gold appliqué wings. It was clear that the source who showed me this private family photo intended this appearance to be a bit embarrassing for the prideful gnome but I was immediately taken! The textural contrast of a gnome’s gnarled skin balanced flawlessly with the delicate wings and silken fabric; not to mention the absolutely natural dirt etchings along the gnome’s spiked feet and hands throwing the clean, effervescent effect of the outfit into light. This, my readers, is how you coordinate an outfit! This is bold, this is bravery! This is a story!

Above is pictured a photograph, ironically, from the same source!

You see how the pale gold effortlessly complements the blush tones of the ladies…did I say effortless? I meant lazy! Where is the story? Where is the intrigue?

I see pretty girls in pretty dresses and…yawn! I encourage all my readers to follow the trendy gnome in this case; take risks! If you don’t get at least four letters containing undiluted bubotuber pus after wearing your ensemble in public, you’re not doing Fashion right!

Even the homely groundskeeper of Hogwarts is not free from the Fashion Auror’s gaze. Hagrid is sporting a suit made from some sort of deceased beaver carcass, embellished with a wilting cabbage rose. Hagrid takes no risks in his appearance, he looks; he dawns the clothes you would expect of any rugged mountain man. His fur suit is poorly washed, and the cabbage rose smells faintly of Flobberworms. Next season I would love to see the half-giant step out of his comfort zone in a softer fabric, with a more daring print.

Don’t worry, Hagrid, I’ll send you over a sample of Wiseacres Floral Velvet’s selection!

In contrast, we have Firenze of the Forbidden Forest. Some of you may argue that Firenze is technically naked at all times, but you are sorely deluded if you think that luscious mane occurs of it’s own accord!

No, I have it on good authority that Firenze washes his mane and tail only with morning dew harvested on the dawn of a full moon, and conditions his palomino coat with none other than Twice Blessed Earwig Secretions! This is what I’m talking about when I speak of care of textiles! Remember, ‘Wash from the kettle, you’ll wear nettles, cleanse in the spring, your clothes will sing!’

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QUIBBLER ART

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ART QUIBBLER

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ALL PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIDNIGHTDRAGON

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QUIBBLER DIVINATION

HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

Capricorn! This Halloween you will find yourself consumed by the urge to barricade yourself in your home. Indulge that need. Do not open the door for anyone, especially the Scorpio from the village. This is a question of your safety! Keep plenty of garlic on hand.

All Hallows Even is not the time to visit with your best friend Scorpio. The better path is to head over to Honeydukes, where you will receive samples of their seven new types of fudge. Owl your Leo cousin and have him send over a shipment of the newest pumpkin mead produced by the Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm.

Virgo! You will not convince your friends to attend your costume party. You will spend Halloween alone. Practice your Patronus. Do NOT put down your wand at ANY point in the night, and sleep with the lights on! The lethifold attack cannot be prevented, but you can save yourself.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH) I would not go to sleep on Halloween if I were you, Aquarius. All that butterbeer and Honeydukes sweets will not sit right. And when the knife-wielding maniac gets into your house, you will already be extremely vulnerable; if you’re sleeping you will wake and find yourself paralyzed with fear. “Colloportus” is an invaluable spell.

PISCES THE MERMAN (FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH) Oh, Pisces, setting off shooting stars and fireworks on Halloween is not the brightest plan you’ve ever had, particularly since you moved into that Muggle neighborhood. You should also forgo the plans for a bonfire full of salamanders. If you insist upon celebrating magically, decorate your house thoroughly and let the children inside. Owl the Obliviators ahead of time, though.

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF (MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH) Aries, Aries, Aries. Your idea of “fun Halloween games” are what others would call “dangerous,” “stupid,” and “reckless to the point of suicidal.”

Advertising ‘Pin the Tail on the Griffin,’ ‘Bobbing for Poisoned Apples,’ and ‘Musical Dragons’ will not inspire people to come to your costume party.

Try ‘Charades’.

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GEMINI THE VEELA (MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH) Oh my word, Gemini. I See your Halloween will not be pleasant. Spending the night in an abandoned castle alone, I don’t know what thought process you’ll go through to make that seem like a good idea. Either way, check the dungeons.

There are two Spanish Bridge Trolls on the loose; importantly, they must NOT be returned to the Quibbler offices.

CANCER THE FIRECRAB (JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND) Hearing voices nobody else can hear isn’t a good sign, Cancer, not even in the Wizarding world.

The voices whispering in your ear on All Hallows Eve will be accompanied by vivid hallucinations.

But don’t hurry off to book a bed in St. Mungo’s just yet. Check the expiration date on that bottle of Mrs. Skower’s before you start cleaning the floor. The fumes will prove to be the problem.

LEO THE SPHINX (JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND) It’s time to head back to the Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm, Leo! You spent the summer studying up on your Potions and Herbology, and your hard work will be rewarded. Wear your significant Pisces’ lucky pendant on the second day back to work and you will be promoted from seasonal pumpkin picker to year-round mixologist.

Your new recipe for Pumpkin Butterbeer will require three teaspoons of cinnamon, NOT four.

LIBRA THE DRAGON (SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND) Oh, sweet Libra, do be careful when arranging the guest list for your Halloween feast. If you invite both Leos to the event, one will not turn up. Do not forget that when thirteen dine together, the first to rise is the first to die. Try and avoid standing up during dinner.

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) My dear Scorpio, your obsession with blood will reach an all-time high on Halloween. You are now persona non grata in Transylvania; when you are chased away from your home, you will find safe shelter in a nearby Muggle town. Devouring your saviors would be a poor repayment.

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR (NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST) My fellow Sagittarians, it is highly important that you do not accept a drink from ANYONE on Halloween. This will be difficult. A bottle of finest elf-made wine will find its way to your doorstep.

Smash it. If you are offered a glass of Firewhiskey by the neighbors, run inside and hide under your bed. I highly recommend taking a leaf from Moody’s book and getting a hip flask.

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

K9'S KILLER CROSSWORDS!

ACROSS 2 8 9 10 14 16 17 19 20 22 24 25 26 27

Which Weasley went through the barrier first, before Harry’s 2nd year at Hogwarts?

What is the incantation of the spell that fills the ears of anyone nearby with an unidentifiable buzzing?

What wood was James Potter (I)'s wand made out of ?

At the Quidditch World Cup, Harry walked past 3 African wizards sitting around a what colored fire?

Mandrakes are also known by what name?

What brand of flying carpet did Barty Crouch Sr’s grandfather own? (before carpets were banned, of course) What breed is Hagrid's dog, Fang?

What dish did Fleur get from the Gryffindor table, her first night at the Hogwarts Castle?

Cormac McLaggen went hunting WHAT with his uncle Tiberius in Norfolk?

What is the title given to the leader of the Giant Tribe that Rubeus Hagrid and Madame Maxime visit? _____ is the name of the prison Grindelwald built to hold his opponents. _____ is the name of the prison Grindelwald built to hold his opponents.

What was the name of Tom Riddle Sr's girlfriend before Merope dosed him with love potions?

What was the name of Lavender's bunny?

DOWN 1 3 4 5 6 7 11 12 13 15 16 18 21 23

What is the incantation to create a splint and bandage?

Humphrey Belcher believed the time was ripe for a _____ cauldron (and woefully wrong about it too) Justin Finch-Fletchley had his name down for WHAT school prior to being accepted into Hogwarts?

What is the password used to open up the Crone's hump to access the secret passage beyond it?

What was the name of the secondary school that Dudley attended?

What is Kingsley's patronus? _____, also known as Snake Language.

Wendell and Monica Wilkins’ dream is moving WHERE? What is the term for a patronus that is fully fledged with a define form?

The Firebolt incorporates an unbreakable _____ Charm.

What was the name of the wizard at the Quidditch World Cup camping grounds wearing a muggle nightgown?

What did Molly make for dinner the day of Harry's trial?

Complete this wizarding phrase "Time is _____" Who was the first centaur Harry saw in the Forbidden Forest?

FIND THE SOLUTION RIGHT HERE! 85

Moostronus, Ravenclaw Managing Editor and Head of Entertainment, is a sentient moose with a taste for the extravagant. His office is on the first floor because too many stairs are difficult for his hooves. Moose is extremely fond of Muggle sweets. He can often be found sleeping with a lampshade on his antlers in the middle of the day.

Self-proclaimed Payroll “Overlord” and Crafts, Brews, and Hobbies Department Head Marx0r rarely leaves his office. After dark strange noises can be heard from behind the locked door, though nobody knows why. Marx enjoys knitting and has an irrational fear of ducks.

Head of the Art Department and Production Manager, Mathy16 is mischievous and loves causing chaos. His favorite pastime is aggravating the Head Fairy, because he knows he cannot possibly be replaced. Mathy loves trolls and has an odd obsession with blood.

L-ily, Hufflepuff Managing Editor and Head of Classifieds, spends her days lounging in her pad while dripping tea on her notes. She is easily excited and squeals loudly over anything she finds interesting, which is everything. L-ily is a particularly good Finder. Her favorite place to Find things is the Lost & Found, which she loots frequently. L-ily’s favorite kind of flowers are daffodils.

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Elbowsss, Slytherin Managing Editor, is easy going and so laid back that she’s practically horizontal. Say “cheese” or “beer” and she will appear immediately. Elbowsss is afraid of bears, especially those alien bears that live on the moon.

RissaJo685, Gryffindor Managing Editor and Head of HR, is well-known for her “getting along robes”. They have been needed exactly once since Rissa arrived at the Quibbler. She can usually be found holding secret rendezvous in the Restricted Section. Rissa enjoys Firewhiskey and teamwork building exercises. She lives in constant fear that someday her awkward drunken advances will come to something.

COLLECTIBLES

Dagrock, the Quibbler’s wonderful Web-Wizard, is very shy. She hides out in her hut most of the time. She types at a speed of two-hundred words per minute and is notorious for using the symbol “#” (Muggles call them “hash browns”) in front of everything she writes.

The Quibbler’s Editor-in-Chief and Resident Seer, Starflashfairy (also known as Madam Starflash), has been predicting tragic misfortunes for so long, she can’t remember what a bright and happy future looks like. She has been scrambling around the castle trying to maintain order in the chaos that her staffers call offices. Starflash loves glitter and hates the letter K.

Production Assistant Csatvtftw is the personal lackey to the Production Manager and the Web-Wizard at the Quibbler.

She has proven to have a wonderful talent for Transfiguration, becoming an Animagus at the age of six. CSA enjoys chasing mice and playing with balls of yarn.

Assistant to the E-i-C and Organizer Extraordinaire, RoastedPeanut7 spends most of her time in the Archives, hiding from the boss in order to avoid being turned into peanut butter. She enjoys gently toasting over an open fire. Peanut, ironically, is allergic to nuts.

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QUIBBLER INSERT

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Classifieds Reach your Prospects First

LOST AND FOUND FOUND: BLACK CAT Silver tongued black cat with white eyes. Nametag says, “Pick me up, I don’t bite.” Found in Downtown Hogsmeade.

AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF GILDEROY LOCKHART My precious photograph was stolen... AGAIN. Owl Madam Starflash, Divination Tower, with any relevant information. 50 Galleon reward for safe return.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY TROLLS? 2 Spanish Bridge trolls. Disappeared on the night of August 13th at the Quibbler offices. Answer to the name of Juan and Diego.

Speak Spanish and Troll fluently.

Highly agressive, not docile at all.

Send an owl with their location.

DO NOT APPROACH. Don't tell editor-in-chief.

FOUND BOOTS Two red rain boots. One for the left foot, and one for the right foot.

Shiny. Size 7. They smell like beer.

I think the left one has blood on it. Floo /u/NotElbowsss for more info.

BLAST ENDED SKREWTS Groundskeeper Hagrid at Hogwarts School has lost some of his skrewts again. Contact the Department of Control of Magical Creatures if you should see them!

JOBS BROOM POLISHER NEEDED Handsome wizard looking for witch who can polish very experienced brooms. Seriously, I need to clean my Firebolt 2016 before my next international game. Contact Woods.

GOT PUMPKINS? The Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm seeks seasonal help for the Autumn and Winter seasons. OWLs in Charms, Herbology, Potions, and Transfiguration highly preferred. Strong backs will receive priority consideration!

Apply today!

FULL TIME EMPLYMENT

ROCK TO TRADE

HI!

25y old witch with NEWTS in Charms, Transf., CoMC & DADA looking for a job. Prefer jobs with animals or Ministry jobs.

An interesting rock I found in the woods. It’s a small, black octahedron, ideal for jewelry making. Will accept damaged cauldrons or vanishing cabinets in exchange. Owl ‘Apothecary M.’ with offers.

If you like hot firewhiskey, and getting caught on the train. If you’re not into Quidditch, if you have a big brain. If you like reading until midnight, and playing with Spellotape. I’m the Claw that you’ve looked for, write to me, and escape.

AT HOME HEALER WANTED Need help healing horrible burns and scratches, but can't leave my home. A healthy sum of galleons is in it for you if you can get me back to looking like my once gorgeous self.

HOUSEHOLD HELP Do you need someone to help out with household chores? I am the elf for you! I work for cheap. I love working. My only demand is that I remain free. I only ask for 1 galleon a week and will turn down more pay. I love working. Send an owl to Dobby the house elf at Hogwarts to hire me!

PUFFSKEIN SITTER Puffskein sitter for pregnant Puffskein! Must know how to deal with pregnancy cravings and birthing babies. Contact ASAP!

FOR SALE WANTED: "BLACK CAULDRON" Vintage 1870 “Black Cauldron” flying broomstick. OWL Dorcas at Dorcas’ Fine Dealers. Any conditions welcome.

RUBBER DUCKS FS I have 50 muggle “rubber ducks” and the wife is making me get rid of them. Please owl “Loves Ducks” with best offer! Come pick your favorites!

COPPER CAULDRON Slightly used copper cauldron for sale. Medium size. Great for healing potions!

CURIOUS CABINET Medicine cabinet with small figurines inside. Latch does not close right. Asking for 15 sickles.

CERBERUS PUPPY Discount Cerberus Puppy for sale.

Born with only one head.

FREE: PUFFSKEIN BABIES My puffskein got pregnant and is expecting several babies. I can’t keep them all and am willing to give them for free to a good home.

Please contact me soon and I will let you know when the babies are born.

DON'T CONTACT ME

REAL ESTATE

M: We cannot continue like this.

I've been spotted leaving in the early hours of the morning several times. Either we change locations or you make that door of yours Imperturbable. Don't forget the whipped cream. Yours, S.

LAKEFRONT HOME

LOOKING4LOVE

Beautiful lakefront home with bewitching neighbors. Historical “rock” in the middle of the lake.

Good, brave knights will be only applicants considered. Contact Magical Real Estate.

Do you want a dashing man? I'm a regular down to earth guy looking for my long term lady. I was a Hogwarts house quidditch player.

I'm quite handsome. Don't believe me? I went to the Yule ball with a part veela. I'm a Ravenclaw so you know I'm smart. I'm looking for a fun pretty girl who likes flying, debates and snogging in the bushes.

Hit me up. I'm ravishing Roger Davies.

REFURBISHED MANSION Completely refurbished and renovated Mansion for sale in Hogsmeade. Absolutely no link to the Shrieking Shack. Contact us now!

Please... Please.

PERSONALS BE MINE? Handsome wizard looking for Valentine evenings and mornings of gold. Love me, do as I say, and you will have a most faithful slave.

OWL Goblin King ARE U MINE? Young witch looking for handsome older wizard to shower her with love and affection. (preferably in the form of galleons). OWL “young one” to set something up.

MISSED CONNECTION You were wearing a large purple hat. We were at The Apothecary.

You were haggling over fresh newts. You grimaced at me and my toothless grin. I felt your adoration in that gaze. Meet me in front of The Apothecary at noon if you felt it too. I’ll be wearing purple robes.

MISSED CONNCEECTION Missed Connection: Last Tuesday, Gringotts. I was the witch in the robes spattered with rat spinal fluid; you were the goblin who took me down to my vault to store my enchanted spoon collection. Did we have a moment in the cart on the way back, right before I vomited? I’ll be in again next Tuesday - if you feel the same, leave a note in my vault.

BUSINESS I'LL BUY YOUR CAULDRON I buy cauldrons! Is your cauldron old, rusted, cracked, or crusted?

Does it fail to meet Ministry standards for cauldron bottom thickness? Whether it’s Brass, Pewter, Silver, Gold, Onyx, or more - I can refurbish or thicken any cauldron!

Owl ‘Cauldrons R Us’ or stop by my new Diagon Alley location.

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