Hillsdale sends out search party for the red wave

By | Tonald Dump

Conservatives across America reacted with shock and dismay following The Red Wave That Couldn’t after midterm elections on Nov. 8. Specifically, 90% of evangelical Republicans were taken aback at the lack of Christ’s second coming.

“When they told us to wear masks, I figured it was almost certainly the end times,” Hillsdale resident Joe Pothole said. “But after all my neighbors put anti-Proposal 3 signs in their yards and it still passed, I figured we were on our way out for sure.”

According to freshman and aspiring first lady Holly Hyllsdate, the appearance of a liberal opinion in the pages of the Collegian was a particularly telling sign of the coming apocalypse.

“Like, I’ve always sort of known there are people in the world who disagree with me,” Hyllsdate said. “But I just thought they were in hell or

L.A.”

Newly reelected Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has denied heavily circulating rumors claiming her biological relation to Jadis the White Witch. She began a press conference in a noisy, crowded, passing her leather jacket and pointy silver staff off to an assistant.

“These rumors are unsubstantiated,” Whitmer said, her breath visible in the air. “I have the people of Michigan’s best interests in mind.”

As Whitmer exited the press conference, 16 small business owners picketing outside immediately froze to death.

Following the midterm results, Hillsdale’s campus buzzed with news of an additional, Southern presidential candidate throwing his hat into the race. But there was a mistake when making the announcement.

For the article covering Ron DeSantis’ announcement, the Collegian ran a headline