The Profile | April 2017

THE HENDRIX COLLEGE

ROFILE VOLUME 105 ISSUE 5

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION RADIOACTIVE BACTERIA IN MARTIN HOW TO SPOT FAKE NEWS

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HENDRIX DECLARED “TOO LIBERAL” SCUBA CLUB

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR THE HENDRIX COLLEGE

P ROFILE Editor-in-Chief: Brooke Nelson Managing Editor: Casey Hawkins Business Editor: Chirag Lala Layout Editor: Jessica Frazier-Emerson Layout Editor: Liz Green Photo Editor: Megan Prettyman Copy Editor: Sydney Meyer Photographer: Leah Headley Photographer: Aditya Katke Photographer: Konrad Witkowski Staff Writer: Marlee Bird Staff Writer: Jenson Chier Staff Writer: Peyton Coffman Staff Writer: Barrett Goodwin Staff Writer: Hunter Herrera Staff Writer: Adam Williams

HENDRIXprofile.com .

Online Editor: Sarah Gilmour

Advisor Jamie Groat

MISSION STATEMENT As a student-run and student-funded newsmagazine, The Profile uncovers the smart edge to campus culture: the people, places, ideas and trends that curious, confident students and faculty want, need and ought to know. By critically examining issues important to the Hendrix community, The Profile aims to act as a catalyst for change, a tool for transparency between the student body and faculty and a source of inspiration for its readers to begin thinking globally and acting locally.

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I

remember my first April Fool’s joke fondly: at the mischievous age six, I—along with my younger brother, then four—painstakingly replaced all of the rolls of toilet paper in our house with ones whose ends were stuck together with double-sided tape. We sniggered with anticipation as we tiptoed to each bathroom, imagining the disgruntled sighs and irritated yells that we would hear in just a few short hours, when our parents would wake up and take the inevitable trip to empty their bladders, only to find their toilet paper unusable.

In disbelief, they would spin and spin and spin the rolls around, waiting for the flap of embossed sheet that would never fly open.

Yet the expected confusion, the anticipated reveal, never came. Instead, the house made not a peep as the morning hours ticked on. Somehow, to my disappointment, my parents had bypassed the hoax and simply begun another roll; in annoyance, exasperation or just plain unawareness of my elaborately laid plan, I would never know.

I was crushed. My pranks would have to wait another year.

This month’s theme of The Profile, as I am sure you have noticed, follows the trend of April Fool’s Day jokes. We have covered everything that could or should or would be happening in April, but with one twist—not every story is real. Can you distinguish the fact from the fiction? The truth from the tale? Give it a shot, and then check your answers on the last page of the issue.

That being said, the satire articles contained herein are just that: satire. Nothing written in those articles is factually true. While some real names may have been used, none of the actions or quotes described are real. In writing these articles, The Profile aims to take a fun or sarcastic spin on issues on or off campus; they are meant to entertain and do not intend to insult or place blame. We want it to be clear which articles are false, which is why we have included a list in the back of the magazine.

However, if there are concerns with anything contained in this issue, I will be happy to address them. Please feel free to contact me with any comments or questions.

This was a fun issue to write, and I hope it is a fun one to read, as well. After all, I kind of want my April Fool’s joke to go off without a hitch this year.

CONTENTS

VOLUME 105 ISSUE 5 APRIL 2017

NEWS

4 Past Perfect

Spanish major translates late grandfather’s novel

6 Radioactive Bacteria Discovered in Martin

OPINION

7 Letter to the Editor: Raccoon Edition

Past Perfect pg. 4

FEATURE

8 Fact from Fiction

Guide to spotting fake news

10 Walking in Her Heels

Commentary on walking alone at night as a female

12 Hendrix Declared “Too Liberal”

Faces severe sanctions from U.S. government

13 Scuba Club

SPORTS

New group joins the Hendrix sports scene

14 Trays of Hendrix

Trays of HDX pg. 14

Radioactive Bacteria pg. 6

CULTURE

Photo essay of what students like to eat

16 What’s in a Button?

New initiative aims to elevate student expression

18 Fake News or Real News?

Which of these stories are dishonest?

What’s in a Button? pg. 16 APRIL 2017

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NEWS

PAST PERFECT

SPANISH MAJOR TRANSLATES GRANDFATHER’S NOVEL

F

or the past semester and a half, junior Will Matheson has been trying his hand at a new hobby: translation. When Matheson’s grandfather, Roger Martinez, died in 2012, he left behind a transcript, over 100 pages long, titled “Memorias de Mi Vida.” Because of its title, which in English means “memories of my life,” Matheson assumed the manuscript was a personal memoir. He chose to translate the text in part because he wanted to know his grandfather better.

“He had dementia,” Matheson said. “He stopped being present when I was about 12.”

Matheson described his decision to jump into the project as “hasty.”

He had recently switched his major from creative writing to Spanish, and he wasn’t sure if he would be qualified to translate the text. However, he wanted to be able to give the translated version to his family members, who only speak English.

Matheson partnered with the Murphy Foundation and, with the help of Dr. José Vilahomat, began translating the manuscript. He was surprised to find that the text was not his grandfather’s memoir, but a fictional account of the life of Casimiro Roca, a Spanish-born priest. Roca was known for restoring the Santuario de Chimayó, a Roman Catholic Church and famous pilgrimage site located in New Mexico. “So far,” Matheson said, “it’s about

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Photo by Konrad Witkowski

PEYTON COFFMAN

Roca’s early life—family life, country life, going to church and religious festivals.”

While the manuscript is a piece of fiction, Roca and Martinez shared a few similarities, such as Spanish heritage and a religious zeal. While Matheson isn’t directly reading about Martinez’s life, he is learning about him through the subjects his writing deals with. “[My grandfather] was a very spiritual guy,” Matheson said. “He was a member of the Knights of Columbus. I think the setting [of the text] is interesting to him—like, a small town, family, community, religion—those are things that he cared about.”

Born in Colorado, Martinez was an American, but Spanish was his first language, and he spoke it as well as if he had been from Spain. He also had a master’s degree in Spanish Literature, was a Spanish teacher, and spent time in Spain as a member of the U.S. Army Reserve. His command over the language causes Matheson to question his own translating abilities.

“He spoke a technical, poetic Spanish. I wish I had more aptitude with the language to really appreciate him as a writer,” Matheson said. “The more you learn about a language, the more you realize what you’re missing.”

NEWS

DO YOU KNOW HENDRIX? TRUE OR FALSE

1.

Hendrix owns the largest collection of elephant urine in the world.

Hendrix has the most diverse tree 2. population on a college campus in the United States.

THE MORE YOU LEARN ABOUT A LANGUAGE, THE MORE YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’RE MISSING. -WILL MATHESON

ki Matheson, who has no previous translation experience, admits that he struggles with the project. Working as a Spanish student, and not someone fluent in the language, he worries about capturing the meaning of each sentence while still maintaining its style. He points out that a lot of Spanish words and phrases don’t have English counterparts and that he often finds himself stuck inside of a lexical gap. He estimates that he’s dedicated around 20 or 30 hours to translation. He’s only on page three.

“You have to make so many decisions. Every word is a decision,” Matheson said. “But you kind of learn through experience a little bit.”

Matheson meets with Dr. Vilahomat every week to review his most recent translations. Sometimes his work receives approval, but sometimes it needs correction. “[Dr. Vilahomat] is really helpful as a cultural reference. I could not have done this without him,” Matheson said.

Aside from the language, Matheson also hits roadblocks with the manuscript itself. It’s typewritten in small print, which makes it difficult to read, and it’s littered with typos and smudges. Sometimes Matheson has to determine if the word he’s trying to translate is written correctly, or if he’s wasting his time on a typo.

“Some typos are easy to catch, like ‘Dimingo’ instead of ‘Domingo,’ but some are harder, especially if I’m not familiar with the word,” Matheson said.

Matheson also suspects that the manuscript is a first draft. “It definitely feels fresh off the hand,” Matheson said. “It doesn’t feel like he edited it a lot.”

Matheson predicts that he won’t finish translating “Memorias de Mi Vida” for another few years, at least not until he’s graduated. He hopes to revisit and edit his translation when he has a better command of the Spanish language. However, he doesn’t think it will be seen outside of his family.

“I doubt that it will be publishable,” Matheson said. “My dream for it would be to finish it and then give it to my grandma.”

3.

The head of the elephant skeleton in DW Reynolds is not real.

After the completion of the Welcome Center, Dean Wiltgen and his family 4. will move into Ellis Hall.

5.

Couch Hall was named “Couch” after all of the couches found in its lobby.

Mills Center was originally supposed to have another floor.

6.

7.

Miss Mimi has worked in the Hendrix Caf for 21 years.

Answers can be found on page 18

APRIL 2017

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NEWS

MARTIN MADNESS

PEYTON COFFMAN

RARE FORM OF RADIOACTIVE BACTERIA DISCOVERED IN MARTIN BATHROOM

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ast Friday, a Martin party took a dark turn when a rare radioactive bacteria was discovered in one of the first floor bathrooms.

A student, sophomore Tanner Cooper, noticed the bacteria while he was lying on the tile, trying to recover from a bout of nausea. Cooper described the bacteria as hot, bubbly and terrifying.

“I was just lying there…and I looked over and behind the toilets there was this bubbling green stuff. It looked like it was boiling. So I stuck my head a little bit closer, and it smelled terrible. It was the smell I always assumed just belonged to the bathroom,” Cooper said.

Cooper reported the substance to a Residence Assistant, who sent a work order to Facilities Management. However, the bacteria couldn’t be removed.

“It’s growing through the wall!” one resident said.

The Hendrix biology faculty requested a sample of the mysterious substance.

“I heard about the bacteria growing, and I thought, ‘Maybe this is the radioactive material that my colleagues and I have been sensing,’” Dr. Laura MacDonald, assistant professor of biology, said.

Before even testing the substance, however, the biology faculty has reached a consensus: it is radioactive bacteria.

“I took one look at it, and I knew what it was. It was radioactive. I mean, this came from Martin, so it had to be. We saw the same thing in Hardin a few years ago,” Dr. Maureen McClung, assistant professor of biology, said.

The biology faculty believes that the bacteria mutated in response to its exposure to certain substances.

“Our best guess is that this bacteria mutated in a very toxic environment over the course of several years. The bacteria’s radioactivity is most likely the product of a unique combination of substances found in the Martin bathroom, like Busch Lite, Old Spice body spray, 3-in-1 shower gel, vomited caf pizza and the liquid inside of glow sticks,” Dr. MacDonald said.

It’s unclear whether the bacteria’s radioactivity affords any special powers to those who come into contact with it, although some have speculated that it compels residents to wear socks with sliders.

“Why else would Martin guys wear that?” one student said. “I mean, it’s unnatural.”

Since students have been living around the bacteria without any serious consequences, it’s unlikely that it poses a serious threat to the Martin men.

Two years ago, a similar strain of radioactive bacteria was discovered in Hardin’s lobby bathroom. Residents reported seeing figures in hazmat suits leaving the bathroom early one morning, after which the substance was gone.

When asked for a statement on the incident, President Bill Tsutsui loudly declined. “We need to keep this on the down-low,” Tsutsui said. “I already have the government on my back about the secret Godzilla recreation lab that I’ve set up in Buhler. The last thing I need is for them to find out about this.”

Photos by Aditya Katke

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OPINION

LETTER TO THE EDITOR:

RACCOON EDITION

LOCAL RACCOON SEEKS TO BREAK STEREOTYPES, FORM RELATIONSHIPS

T

o my ladies on the Northside,

You have treated me well. I have soiled your ceilings and finished off your leftover Toppers Mac N’ Cheese pizzas. And I personally consider myself a ladies’ raccoon. I prefer your sweet-smelling, quiet halls over the rowdy, disturbing men on the Southside. The floors in Martin are too wet, and it rains from the ceiling without the help of my bladder. There are never any girls in Hardin, and Couch has a skunk smell—not a fan of those guys. But to my Raney, Veasey and Galloway ladies: If you ever need a tender shoulder to cry on, knock on your wall; I’m probably waiting.

And yet. Ladies, no matter how much I love you, I have been deprived of some basic needs. We need to fix that.

First off, I cannot access the second or third floors in any of the halls. Personally, I wanted to explore my options and get to know all of you a little more.

Also, I’m pretty offended when you run at the sight of me.

Ladies, there is no reason to fear. I’m not scared of you. Which is why it makes me a little upset when you move rooms just because I’m hanging out right above you. Frankly, I think it’s a little judgey.

We should also evacuate the feline furball things you call the “cat colony.” I know, I know—you love them. You feed them. You pet them. You take pictures of them. But ladies, this relationship is unhealthy. They only see you when they want to. They really just want you to give them food, and honestly, you’re not the only one that loves on them. Next thing you know, they will be asking you to make a sandwich and “move out of the way of the game.” It’s time to put those bushy, scratchy things in the past, and make way for a new furry friend. I promise I’m not rabid. If I bite, it’s just out of love.

We also need to talk about lighting. These basements, walls and ceilings are too dark to see your pretty faces. Sure, I’m nocturnal. I have night vision. But ladies, I want to see you in all the colors. I have thought up a plan for how we can make this happen; I think we should appeal to the Student Senate for funding.

Yes, I know about the extra Student Activities money. Word travels fast at this school, and I think I deserve a piece of that pie.

Also, I’d like to address the alarm clocks. They go off loudly in every room, right at the beginning of my bedtime. Ladies, I need my beauty sleep, too.

And don’t write me off just because I’m small and furry. Opposites attract, and I bet we have more in common than you think.

Finally, to my friends at Facilities: I like our little game of hide and seek, but I’m getting tired of winning.

Catch you on the flipside, Mr. Bravo

JESSICA EMERSON

FEATURE

FACT FROM YOUR GUIDE TO SPOTTING FAKE NEWS

I

n early December of last year, a man walked into a Washington, D.C. pizzeria and threatened employees and customers with a rifle, firing several shots inside the restaurant. He came to this restaurant believing that it was the center of a child sex-trafficking ring run

by Hillary Clinton.

Yes, you read that right. The so-called “Pizzagate” conspiracy theory is an extreme example of how stories that are completely ludicrous can not only be taken to be true but can have real consequences, too. The 2016 election saw the spread of so-called “fake news”—stories that are passed around as legitimate when in fact they have been fabricated or heavily skewed.

A particularly popular one was that Pope Francis had endorsed Donald Trump for President of the United States in the closing days of the campaign (his Holiness did not, in fact, endorse Trump).

These stories are able to spread rapidly via social media, with people sharing them among their friends. The rise of fictitious stories being promoted and shared around social media can contribute to a less-informed public. A common example is from the initial debate around the Affordable Care Act (ACA), when several sites on the Internet spread the false notion that the healthcare reform law included “death panels” that would decide if sick people would receive life-saving care or not. Despite this claim being PolitiFact’s “Lie of the Year” in 2009, the notion of “death panels” negatively shaped the public’s initial perception of the ACA. When you see a news story on your friends’ Facebook or Twitter feeds, how do you know if it’s legitimate or not? It’s a common problem. According to the Pew Research Center, 84 percent of 18 to 29-year-olds get at least some of their news from social media. Although Pew’s surveys have shown that people are more wary of news stories they encounter online, their survey data also shows that around one-third of Americans have shared a fake news story online. The problem of determining which news stories and sources are trustworthy or not is especially relevant for Hendrix students who, like most college students, tend to get their news from Twitter and other unconventional platforms. In a survey

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of Hendrix students, the overwhelming majority said they received their news primarily from online sources. Only three of the 44 students surveyed indicated that their primarily news platforms were newspapers or TV broadcasts.

One student who likes using social media as a news outlet in particular is senior Guneev Sharma. Sharma says he likes using Twitter for news as it allows him to get a steady stream of updates as stories unfold. He says he follows the major news networks such as CNN and Fox as well as more politically focused outlets such as Politico and The Hill. “If most of the sources are tweeting the same facts,” Sharma said, “I’ll deem it to be true.” He says that he always moves beyond the tweet’s headline and checks out the stories being reported online as a way to learn more about the issue. When it comes to Facebook, Guneev says he always Googles the stories that pop up to confirm that they’re true.

“I’ll determine if it’s true if there’s no other news organization refuting the facts and if all sources are credible, and it’s not just on Breitbart or Occupy Democrats,” Sharma said.

Senior Greer Veon tries to rely on more conventional platforms such as broadcast news, which she tries to make a point of watching in the morning while she gets ready for her day. Veon

likes to stick to more established news organizations like CBS, where she interned this past summer. That experience gave her an inside perspective of what good journalism is supposed to look like. For her, advice from CBS Evening News anchor Scott Pelley served as particularly relevant: always ask yourself, is it right, is it fair, and is it honest? This advice can be helpful for both journalists as well as critical news consumers.

“I notice when reading stories created by younger brands (Snapchat shows a lot from Buzzfeed, for example), there’s a definite bias within the writing,” Veon said. “This is why the writing is a key aspect in what I look at when deciding what’s trustworthy or not.”

Veon also says that the wording used for the headlines of news reports are critical. Her tips for watching news broadcasts center on the questions being asked by anchors and correspondents: “Are they asking questions from both sides of an issue? Are they attacking a side they don’t agree with?”

Greer’s tips for filtering out biased and fake news from the real, objective thing have much in common with tips on how to spot fake news from the Annenberg Public Policy Center’s FactCheck.org. The tips are fairly simple, from read-

HENDRIX STUDENT POLL

WHICH NEWS SOURCES DO YOU USE THE MOST? WEBSITES - 56.1% SOCIAL MEDIA - 36.59% TV - 4.88% NEWSPAPERS - 2.44%

FEATURE

M FICTION BARRETT GOODWIN

ing beyond the headline to checking to see the evidence cited in support of the story actually back up what’s being reported.

Seeking out news organizations that are trustworthy and that consistently produce high-quality journalism is just as important as avoiding dubious sources of information. There are several outlets in the United States and Great Britain that have been recognized for their work in the journalism field. These include wire services such as the Associated Press and Reuters, which supply syndicated news stories to local newspapers, newspapers considered to be more liberal in their editorial work, such as the New York Times, and newspapers considered to be more conservative, such as the Wall Street Journal.

Once one knows how to avoid falling for fake news stories, the next step is to approach how news spreads online, and on social media in particular, with a critical lens. If there’s a story going around Twitter or popping up on several friends’ Facebook pages, take a second to examine the story closer before sharing and passing it along to your network. A better-informed discourse with our relatives and our old high school classmates on Facebook and other social media platforms starts with all sides being able to recognize the (non-alternative) facts.

HOW TO APPROACH NEWS STORIES (WITH A CRITICAL EYE)

BY FACTCHECK.ORG

• Consider the source: Some news sources are intentionally satirical, while others are notoriously unreliable or biased.

• Read beyond the headline: Make sure the story actually matches the headline,

and that the headline isn’t just emphasizing a single aspect of the story for dramatic effect.

• Consider the author: Is there a credited author for the story? If there is an author listed, are they a legitimate journalist?

• Check the argument’s support: Do the sources used in the article support the claim being made? Are the sources or data used legitimate?

• Check the date: Is this an old story with a new headline?

• Check the fact-checkers: There are numerous places to see if news stories are

accurate, such as Snopes.com, The Washington Post Fact Checker and PolitiFact.

TRUSTWORTHY LIBERAL, NEUTRAL AND CONSERVATIVE NEWS SOURCES THE WASHINGTON POST

THE NEW YORK TIMES

THE GUARDIAN

ASSOCIATED PRESS

REUTERS

BBC

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

THE ECONOMIST

THE WASHINGTON TIMES

APRIL 2017

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FEATURE

WALKING IN HER HEELS

Art courtesy of aiminglow.com

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A WOMAN AT NIGHT MARLEE BIRD

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FEATURE

F

ROM AN EARLY AGE, MOST WOMEN ARE TAUGHT TO “TRUST YOUR GUT.” IT’S A FEELING THAT YOUNG GIRLS CAN’T QUITE UNDERSTAND UNTIL THEY ARE A LITTLE OLDER—UNTIL THEY FEEL THE PRESENCE OF A STRANGER WALKING BEHIND THEM ONE NIGHT AND THEIR STOMACH TURNS.

That feeling will become one of their biggest weapons as they enter into womanhood and start to truly understand what it means to be a woman at night.

Sophomore Arlo Stebbing, although a man himself, decided to dress up as a nurse for Halloween. This particular costume was not an imitation of Meredith Grey’s scrubs, but instead was more risqué (and challenging). “I walked in heels for most of the night,” Stebbing said. “I took them off several times, but I always put them back on—against my better judgement.”

Although the costume was for comedy’s sake, Stebbing learned some valuable lessons about being a woman at night. “The heels were different because they were incredibly uncomfortable, so they were the only [part of my costume] that made me reflect on the female experience…there’s an extra layer of humor whenever I see girls carrying their shoes. Now I’m like, ‘I totally understand where you’re coming from, girlfriend.’”

Friday and Saturday nights can be the most wearisome for females, whether they are on the Hendrix campus or out in the real world. Weekend nights bring certain expectations about what women should wear, namely tight skirts, less clothing and most importantly, heels. In the very act of “getting ready for the night,” women also make themselves more vulnerable. Tight clothing can be restricting if a woman needed to run quickly away from someone. Heels make louder noises than regular shoes, which can make a female more of a potential target.

Stebbing acknowledged that heels shouldn’t be considered a necessity for a late night out. “To girls debating whether or not to wear heels, I would just think ‘How likely are you to, at the end of the night, be walking somewhere by yourself?’ If that is likely, either don’t wear heels or bring another pair of shoes you can change into,” Stebbing said.

While Hendrix students live in a relaxed culture where students can wear almost anything and not feel out of place, the same cannot be said for other campuses, cities or scenarios. What is true for Hendrix female students, however, is that often the scariest situations are not on party nights surrounded by friends but on weekday nights when everyone else is asleep. Some students have to stay in labs especially late, or end up in the library until 3 a.m. Senior Bonnie Nolan is one of those people.

Nolan lives at Huntington but often finds herself stuck on the main part of campus at night. Yet it’s not the main campus that scares her most, but the periphery; it’s walking to her apartment complex alone at night that makes her worried. “Huntington is probably where I feel the most unsafe…[there’s] just people hanging out in the parking lot. We get the police called to our apartment complex a lot,” Nolan said. When asked what she thinks Hendrix should do to make Huntington safer, she responded “I don’t know how much the school itself can do. I almost wonder if the Conway Police Department should be handling that better.”

Freshman Maddy Shaddox, although not living in an apartment, has similar fears about walking alone on campus at night. “As a theater and dance student, I have to walk across campus pretty late after practice on most nights, and it doesn’t always feel safe. I have a metal rod attached to my keychain for self-defense purposes, but I’m not sure how well it would work if I was actually attacked,” Shaddox said.

One solution to these fears has been the escort service offered by Hendrix Public Safety (PSafe). Jan Lee, one of the PSafe officers, notes that she might get around three calls for an escort service per night. In her opinion, there should be more. “I don’t think [women] really think much about it until they get that feeling, or it’s really cold or it’s raining,” Lee said. For many students, it can seem trivial to ask for a ride to the other side of our small campus when it’s only a five minute walk away. But Lee

noted that it’s always better to be safe than sorry. “If we’re driving you somewhere, you don’t have to worry about someone coming up and attacking you. We’re here, so you might as well use it—it can keep you safe,” Lee said.

Lee’s perspective as a college safety officer is a unique one, considering that she spent time in Afghanistan working on women’s safety.

As an international police officer, Lee started a family services program with the Afghani police department. The program was technically a family violence unit, but because of Sharia law that label was not used. “It was so bad over there,” Lee said. “Women could not even come to the police station to make a complaint. They were turned away at the gate.”

Her time in Afghanistan taught her important lessons about gender, culture and the extreme differences between America and other nations, although it did not really change her perspective on safety.

“It’s opened my eyes to different cultures, and knowing that when I meet a student from another country, their culture may be completely different than mine. But safety is safety…you do simple things to make sure you’re safe, and I did the same thing in Afghanistan [as I do here],” Lee said.

Safety, as a woman, means using what you have. What you wouldn’t necessarily consider a weapon at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday is suddenly your greatest asset when you find yourself alone at 3 a.m. on a Saturday. Stebbing realized this fact in the moments when his feet could not bear the pain of walking in heels. “So on the one hand, if you’re wearing heels, you

YOU USE WHAT YOU HAVE, WHETHER IT’S YOUR KEYS OR GLASSES OR HEELS. ANYTHING CAN BECOME A WEAPON. -JAN LEE, PUBLIC SAFETY OFFICER

can’t run as fast as if you’re wearing shoes,” Stebbing said. “But, if you’ve already taken them off and you’re walking around barefoot, they’re a weapon. So, if you see your attacker approaching, you do have something on them because, especially if you’re wearing stilettos, you could definitely shove those through an eyeball right quick.”

“You use what you have, whether it’s your keys or glasses or heels,” Lee said. “Anything can become a weapon.”

One form of protection that many women on campus have begun carrying is pepper spray, a common staple on the average female college student’s keychain. But although pepper spray can be useful, it is only so if used correctly. “If you have to dig around for your pepper spray, it doesn’t do you any good,” Lee said. “I’m not saying don’t have it, because it’s a good tool, but if it’s not in your hand or you have to fiddle with the cap to see how to mash the button, which you do with a lot of them, it’s not going to help you if somebody’s attacking you.”

Lee advised that some of the best things Hendrix students can do at night are to walk in pairs, always tell someone where you are going and have your phone in your hand at all times.

Whether it’s at Hendrix or beyond, the experience of being a female at night is, on some level, universal. For women, going out is not just a “good time.” It’s systematic, even survivalist, and “trusting your gut” is a part of the female experience that, sadly, most women will carry with them their whole lives.

APRIL 2017

11

FEATURE

HENDRIX DECLARED “TOO LIBERAL” SANCTIONS FROM U.S. GOVERNMENT EXPECTED

CASEY HAWKINS

I

n an attempt to thwart outside opposition, President Trump has instituted a new measure for gauging the degree of liberalism, otherwise known as “evil,” present on college campuses across the country. Officially labeled “Trump’s Measuring Stick for Dishonesty,” the scale ranges from the red spectrum of “Patriots Making America Great Again” to the blue “All-Out Commie-Fascists and Potential Threats to the Welfare of Your Children.” While no official statements have been produced regarding the nature of these investigations, reports from around the country are saying that students are being approached randomly and asked questions such as, “Why do you think Donald Trump is doing a great job?” and, “Which 45th President of the United States is best?” Students are also reporting the detection of slight Russian accents among the questioners, a claim the Trump administration still has yet to acknowledge publicly.

In an official press release to the nation, Trump explained his rationale for instituting the measure, stating, “Too long have I been oppressed by the so-called ‘intellectuals’ of this country. They are probably the most dishonest, rude people I’ve ever met. Believe me, folks. They’re terrible. Absolutely terrible. They ask the most complicated questions and don’t even listen to me when I interrupt them. They don’t know this country like I do. No one is more intellectual than me. NO ONE. We are going to find these scumbags and put them in their rightful place: at the bottom of the tax bracket. It’s going to be a beautiful thing.”

In the most recent published findings, Hendrix College was listed as actually having broken the scale, falling into the endless black beyond the normal spectrum which is referred to as, “Likely to Have Assisted Hillary Clinton in the Propagation of Undocumented Emails, an Offense Punishable by Death.” Official confirmation of this occurrence is still being awaited from the White House, but insiders are saying that this could take as long as it has taken for Trump to release his tax returns.

Since Hendrix appears to be in a dire situation, drastic sanctions will be imposed on the college in the coming months, beginning with the removal of the words “math” and “science” from every textbook and department description. The biology department will be renamed, “The Department Which Can Never Prove Climate Change Is Real,” and the physics department, fittingly, will carry the moniker, “What Is This?” Finally, each professor in the politics department will be subjected to a lie detector test in which they are questioned about their political beliefs. Dishonest answers will be punishable by awkward handshakes from Donald Trump himself, who will be present in the interrogation room, or, in the most delicate of circumstances, ritualistic cleansing through intensive reading of The Art of the Deal.

Concerning his interrogation methods, Trump said, “I said I was going to bring back torture, and this is how I’m doing it. I don’t even care that we’re calling it torture. That’s what it is. ISIS can expect the same thing once we finally get to them. Waterboarding was nothing. I’m making torture great again. Everyone is going to love it.”

If Hendrix fails to comply with the sanctions being enacted by the government, then even harsher penalties will be enforced. A strict dress code including black suits with taped-up ties will be required for men, and women will be forced to wear clothing exclusively from Ivanka Trump’s fashion line.

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Cartoon by Nicola Bryan

Furthermore, the college will be renamed “Trump University,” and everyone will be forced to pay increased tuition with no scholarships. Degrees will be awarded as completion certificates stating that they passed, and then students will be sent on their way with no job skills, knowledge or money.

In ultimately considering the state of affairs at Hendrix, Trump said, “They’re bringing equal rights, freedom and opportunity into our country, but some, I assume, are good people. They’ve just been corrupted by that Sanders guy. Just give me 10 minutes with them, and they’ll love me.

Mikey [Vice President Mike Pence] and I are going to go down there, and we’re going to throw a rally. I already know they’re gonna love me. In fact, I’m already planning at least 100 more rallies for the coming months all across this great nation. When you have the biggest Electoral College victory since Reagan, I think you deserve a little extra time for celebration. I’m sure Steve Bannon is running the country just fine.”

SPORTS

BLUB CLUB

Photo courtesy of UC Santa Cruz

JENSON CHIER

HENDRIX WELCOMES SCUBA CLUB TO CAMPUS PUDDLES

“I

t’s amazing what we find when we dive,” freshman foreign exchange student David Jiang said. Jiang is part of the new Scuba Club, a venture started by freshmen here at Hendrix who wanted to take their swim lessons to the next level.

“We don’t get to go and dive a lot,” Jiang said, “mostly due to the arid climate.” When they do dive, it’s usually on rainy days, when there is more water available to the club. Typically, the club sticks to diving in the puddles around the SLTC, the turtle pond, and any other places that fill up after a good rain on campus.

When they aren’t diving, the team is usually gearing up their rebreathers, for which the school recently launched a new campaign to fund. “We really couldn’t be more happy with the initiative of the students involved,” President Bill Tsutsui said.

Now, the club is looking to get Odyssey funding to travel to other interesting dive locations. “We were thinking about trying out the Wall [on the perimeter of campus] if we get a good flash flood,” Jiang said. “We’d really like to lead a dive into the Brick Pit, but some moron put a drain in it.”

Jiang has rapidly become the leader of the club, with other members admiring his experience as a swimmer and fearlessness in any endeavor.

“He truly is an inspiration,” freshman Eliot Peterson said.

Other members of the club include the entire Ultimate Frisbee team.

“It’s eccentric, so of course we are doing it,” Ultimate head coach and amateur diver Dominique Kelleybrew said.

The club’s biggest current project is the exploration of the famed Martin-Veasey tunnel. “So far, we’ve found pretty much just unrecycled bottles

and some unused textbooks,” Peterson said, “although there is a pretty large population of catfish. We think they are some sort of extension of the cat colony, although we aren’t sure.” The club has mapped about 30 percent of the tunnel so far, but a recent discovery has the club confused: the tunnel seems to be headed towards the Wellness and Athletic Center (WAC), not Veasey Hall. “My best guess is that the diggers hit the pool beside the WAC, flooding the tunnel,” Peterson said.

Although no one in Martin Hall claims responsibility for the tunnel, many residents spend a lot of time at the WAC; perhaps those who dug the tunnel were trying to get a lift in, rather than a trip to Veasey. The WAC theory also suggests that the tunnel was built recently, although sophomore Martin Hall resident Dean Patterson insists the tunnel exists entirely outside of time. “The tunnel is simply an imposed part of our collective Martin subconscious,” Patterson said.

Jiang has another theory. Hailing from South China, he believes the tunnel will lead him home. “If my theory is correct, we could change the world. Travel costs would be cheaper, and it would be safer, as long as everyone that traveled to China is Dive Certified,” Jiang said. “I can’t wait to go home!”

The Scuba Club’s meteoric rise in popularity could surpass that of all other campus clubs, including Campus Kitty. In fact, members will be throwing their own party to raise money for Jiang’s dive to China. They are also encouraging everyone go diving during the next rainstorm. “We don’t have enough rebreathers for everyone, so we’ll all just have to be careful,” Jiang said. “It should be a fun time—barring any tornadoes.”

APRIL 2017

13

Culture

TRAYS OF HDX

HUNTER HERRERA

THE BEST OF THE HENDRIX CAF FOR YOUR AESTHETIC (AND APPETITE’S) ENJOYMENT Photos by Konrad Witkowski

SAVORY AND SWEET:

A combination of chicken ratatouille and dirty rice doesn’t only look good together on a plate, but it also tastes great, too. Adding au gratin potatoes with asparagus makes the caf feel more like a restaurant than a college cafeteria. Plus, all of this washes down nicely with some hand-scooped ice cream.

GOING GREEN (BOTTOM RIGHT):

Tuesdays and Thursdays are burger days…and sandwich days. These two delicious lunchtime classics pair perfectly with plenty of greens and a little fruit.

PROTEIN POWER (BOTTOM LEFT):

Chicken, corn, casserole, cauliflower. It’s a shame there’s broccoli and tomato, too, because otherwise this caption would’ve been more poetic than Whitman.

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THE HENDRIX COLLEGE PROFILE

VITAMIN SNEEZE:

A full plate sitting next to a cup of tea and fresh oranges make for a double dose of vitamin C. What a perfect way to prepare for this allergy season.

HEALTHY IS THE NEW HAPPY:

Spinach and cooked vegetables make for a light yet filling meal. Maybe you’ll turn that homework assignment in on time with all the energy you get from this tray.

CHEESEBURGER AND PARADISE:

Burgers aren’t just for a single 20-something to eat on Sunday after a long weekend—they’re for Hendrix students, too.

(Plus, fruit makes it a little more wholesome.)

CURRY DAY, EVERY DAY:

Don’t be fooled by this monochrome meal. No one can pass up a plate full of delicious veggie curry. In fact, it’s so delicious that maybe it’s all you need.

APRIL 2017

15

Culture

Photos by Leah Headley

WHAT’S IN A BUTTON? STAFF MEMBER GIVES STUDENTS OUTLET FOR POLITICAL EXPRESSION

ADAM WILLIAMS

W

hen walking through the SLTC or heading to class, there is a good chance that you may spot a button pinned to one of your fellow classmate’s clothing or backpack. These buttons may be fun to wear and look at, but they hold a deeper meaning for many Hendrix students.

Dominique Kelleybrew is the coordinator of Multicultural Student Services (MSS), which works to assist students through cross-cultural reflection. MSS accomplishes this by developing diversity, service and leadership opportunities on campus. One of the methods Kelleybrew has used to achieve these goals is through button making.

Kelleybrew is not new to the art of button making; he originally began in high school as a student council member. However, he got the idea to

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THE HENDRIX COLLEGE PROFILE

bring back the button press following the inauguration of Donald Trump.

Kelleybrew felt that students who wanted to express themselves might not be able to accomplish as much through posters or signs. Buttons were a simpler and more accessible means for students to wear their convictions on their sleeve, both literally and figuratively.

The messages that Kelleybrew puts on these buttons are always representative of human, social or civil rights. They may display quotes from leaders such as Martin Luther King, Jr. or Mohandas Gandhi. One button simply depicts a woman wearing a burqa patterned like the American flag. The buttons are simple ways for students to not just make a political statement, but also to reach out to one another as allies for a cause. Kelleybrew sees a special benefit in these buttons because they also allow

students to select the causes that they most identify with and then display that advocacy through the button.

The buttons that MSS make are by no means a replacement for active political advocacy. Rather, these buttons serve as conversation starters between students and a way to create dialogue which otherwise may never have occurred.

Kelleybrew has witnessed the buttons having a positive impact on students. “Giving something as simple as a button really lifts a lot of people’s spirits,” Kelleybrew said. He also knows that while button messaging may have a very localized effect, it doesn’t have to stop here. “Giving out buttons isn’t going to change the world or anything,” Kelleybrew said, “but it can be a step.”

One student who has made frequent use of these buttons is senior Elizabeth Soo. “So many people in the world are, and have been, marginalized in one way or another,” Soo said. “This is one small way to show that we support and care about those individuals.”

SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE, AND HAVE BEEN, MARGINALIZED IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. THIS IS ONE SMALL WAY TO SHOW THAT WE SUPPORT THOSE INDIVIDUALS. -ELIZABETH SOO After our conversation, Kelleybrew took me through the steps of making my very own button. I selected an image of Frida Kahlo and went through each step in the process.

At the end, I had a perfect little button of the iconic Mexican painter. While buttons may be small, our actions do not have to be. So now as I make my way to class or the cafeteria, I, too, will be sharing my conviction in my own little way.

APRIL 2017

17

ANSWERS!

WHICH STORIES WERE TRUE, AND WHICH WERE FALSE? CHECK HERE TO FIND OUT.

DO YOU KNOW HENDRIX? TRUE OR FALSE 1.TRUE 2. FALSE 3. TRUE 4. FALSE 5. FALSE 6. TRUE 7. TRUE

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THE HENDRIX COLLEGE PROFILE

?

FAKE STORIES. RADIOACTIVE BACTERIA IN MARTIN LETTER TO THE EDITOR: RACCOON

PG. 7

HENDRIX DECLARED “TOO LIBERAL” SCUBA CLUB

PG. 6

PG. 12

PG. 13

REAL STORIES. HENDRIX STUDENT TRANSLATES NOVEL ALTERNATIVE FACTS TO FICTION WALKING IN HER HEELS TRAYS OF HDX

PG. 4

PG. 8

PG. 10

PG. 14

WHAT’S IN A BUTTON?

PG. 16 APRIL 2017

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