Page 1
Volume CXVI, No. 10
Milli Mən heç kim Azərbaycan danışmaq və mən , həqiqətən, bu bütün bölmə doldurulması kimi hiss etmirəm bilir təxmin edirəm. Hər kəs Azərbaycan dilini etmir əgər Bəli , mən səhvlər onlarla burada yəqin ki, var ki, bilirik. Bəlkə də trilyon . Yaxşı təbrik edirəm , cənab smartypants . Hər halda , burada bəlkə bir real maddə kimi baxmaq üçün bəzi adlar və yerlərdir. Barak Obama kimi mətbuat və ya bir şey bu açıqladı. Joe Biden heç bir şey etmədi . ISIS onlar ISIS şeyler davam edirik söylədi . Sonu. Digər xəbərlər, mən hələ də burada daha çox yer doldurmaq lazımdır . Burada daha çox adları var . Bu hekayə nüfuzunu etmək üçün bu az tanış olacaq. Senator Ted Sandwich o ürəkdən qanun dəstək verəcəklərini söylədi . Wow . Azərbaycan sendviç üçün bir söz yoxdur. Mən bütün gün eşitmişəm ən faciəli hekayə deyil. Kimsə ki, bir hekayə etmək lazımdır . Bir sıra ciddi heyəti var.
Beynəlxalq Dünya xaos edir. Bu zaman o, həmişə olacaq olmuşdur. Zaman üçün təşəkkür edirik. Orson Wellees belə yağ var niyə görəsən? Mən o yəqin ki, bir məşqçi təmin etdik bilər və o, bir qəhrəman və / və ya növ bir dahi kimi özünü görüb çox meylli görünürdü edirəm. Mən yalnız o ego çox istədiyiniz düşündüm . Yaxşı Oh. Mən Google bu bütün yardım üçün tərcümə təşəkkür etmək istərdim . Siz gözəl kömək oldum . İndi burada yalnız bir hərfi cəfəngiyyatdır. Sandwich heartstrings Birləşmiş Millətlər teztez oh sendviç üçün heç bir söz var gözləyin oxuyur ürək qırıqlıqları . Wow . Mən hələ ki, artıq ala bilmir . Bu deli var .
Bu həftə “Top hekayələri” tərcümə Google informasiya ilə Brendan Raleigh tərəfindən tərtib edilmişdir .
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
FREE
G-Burg to be renamed after deal with soda corp. G-burg College set to be renamed “Gettysburg College, Sponsored by Bisom Cola” in 2016 By Brendan Raleigh News Editor Following the 2014-2015 academic year, Gettysburg College as students know it will cease to exist -- at least under the name “Gettysburg College.” After weeks of negotiations with the new, but rapidly expanding, Bisom Cola Company, the college finally settled on a deal that would alter the college’s name in exchange for a number of financial gifts from the Bisom Cola Company. “It is really a fantastic deal for both parties,” commented Bisom Cola CEO Arnold Levinthall. “With our recent sales numbers, we have plenty of excess cash to spend on stuff like this. And it shows that Gettysburg really likes Bisom Cola, too.” Levinthall continued to explain his thoughts behind the unorthodox marketing strategy. “We’re not just advertising to the students and faculty with this. Everytime a graduate of the college submits a job application, that employer will read that they graduated from ‘Gettysburg College, Sponsored by Bisom Cola.’ It shows that they graduated from a school that is not only hip, but is also a big fan of Bisom Cola. It’s a win-win.” In addition to paying a sum of over $95,000 to the college, Bisom Cola has also offered students a 10% discount on all Bisom Cola products, so long as they are purchased on a weekday
Photo Credit: facebook.
The recent financial gifts of Bisom Cola Company have purchased a few small changes for Gettysburg College, the most prominent being the requirement that the college follow its name with “Sponsored by Bisom Cola” on all official documents. CEO Arnold Levinthall (pictured at a time between 9 a.m. and 11 their dissatisfaction with the as if they have to call the school college plans to construct various ‘Gettysburg College, Sponsored advertisements and memorials in a.m. trade-off. Given Gettysburg ColFirst-year Justin Gumas by Bisom Cola’ every time they honor of Bisom Cola. lege students’ recent purchasing commented on the renaming, mention it, but this is far from All drinks in the dining trends, such a discount could saying, “Although there are some the truth. We would prefer it, halls will be replaced with Biamount to dozens of dollars over species, such as the woodcock, of course and we can take legal som Cola brand drinks, such as the next few years, according to which seem to be prone to fly- recourse if any students choose “Bisom Cola Milk Soda” and Levinthall. ing into windows, there is little not to refer to the college by its “Bisom Cola Carbonated, CafBisom Cola, founded by evidence of the issue affecting full name, but in many ways, it is feinated Cola Water.” Gettysburg Levinthall in 2013, has been the conservation status of any still up to the students. They can College is not the first school to still call it ‘Gettysburg College,’ sell its name to a prominent doquickly making a name for itself species.” in the soda industry, taking the The Bisom Company has just so long as they are fine with nor, however. In 2012, Dickinson places of Pepsi or Coca Cola as received many similar complaints being sued for it.” College was famously purchased The change is set to take by North Korean leader Kim the drink-of-choice in six differ- from students recently, but CEO ent states in America. Arnold Levinthall commented place at the beginning of the Jong-un for the price of ₩30 trilDespite the soda com- that he is sure that students are 2015-2016 academic year. lion North Korean wons, which, With the new money ac- in U.S. dollars, amounts to appany’s immense financial gifts, overreacting. “Most students are acting quired from the transaction, the proximately $43. some students have expressed
An unusual perspective on the G-burg looks back College’s Panhellenic Week on history of April 1 By Julia Sippel Staff Writer
By Julia Sippel Staff Writer
Though rushing has yet to commence, some on campus are too excited to wait until fall. As Panhellenic events familiarize students with the various facets of Gettysburg Greek life, other members of the campus community are preparing in their own ways. These events are intended to allow freshman and others who aren’t yet affiliated with a sororityhere at Gettysburg- that includes Alpha Delta Pi (ΑΔΠ), Gamma Phi Beta (ΓΦΒ), Delta Gamma (ΔΓ), Sigma Sigma Sigma (ΣΣΣ) and Chi Omega (ΧΩ)- to familiarize themselves with the groups. “I’d love to rush any of them,” said Geneva Wilson, a Gettysburg College squirrel,” but we have our own sororities!” Greek life has long been a facet of the campus squirrel experience. Nu Upsilon Tau (ΝΥΤ) is the oldest rodent
According to the History Channel, the exact origins of All Fools’ Day are uncertain. In place of certainty, various possibilities have been suggested. The most commonly cited story of origin takes place in France on April 1, 1852. This was the first time that New Year’s Day was celebrated on January 1, as dictated by the Gregorian calendar, instead of the Julian Calendar’s April 1. Without modern technology to inform the masses of the switch, many were unaware and celebrated on the latter date. Those who knew better terrorized those who did not with jokes, placing paper fish called poisson d’avril (fish of April) on their backs to symbolize their gullibility. Another possible start includes ancient festivals, such as the festival of Hilaria. Honoring Cybele, goddess of victory, Hilaria was celebrated on the vernal equinox. Of the many possibilities, this coordinates most closely with
Inside This Issue
This Week’s Top Stories
♦
Skeleton of the week, pg. 2
Geneva Wilson, a sister of Nu Upsilon Tau, discusses Gettysburg College’s oft-overlooked rodent Greek life.
sorority in the nation, with chapters at Harvard University, the College of William and Mary, George Was h in g to n Un iv ers ity , Yale University, Princeton University, University of California, Los Angeles and Gettysburg College. Other Gettysburg Squirrel Sorority chapters include Rho Delta Nu Tau (ΡΔΝΤ), Sigma Rho Lambda (ΣΡΛ) and Alpha Gamma Rho Nu (ΑΓΡΝ). Just like in the human Panhellenic week, these are not formal recruiting
Get Acquainted Day concert, pg. 3
events. Instead, they are intended to let potential new members get to know current members and to allow those who have not yet made a definite decision to make up their minds. “Just keep an open mind,” said Wilson, “and you’ll be fine!” Registration for 2015 formal recruitment is available at http://www. gettysburg.edu/about/ offices/college_life/osagl/ greek/ or at the tree nearest you!
College looks to trailers for housing, pg. 4
Students of Gettysburg, pg. 4
Photo Credit: blogspot.com
The history of April Fools’ day is long and complex. this year’s April Fools’ Day historians back up this supposed correlation by comparing Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather with the antics of the modern holiday. While the exact origins are unclear, April Fools’ Day will doubtlessly continue to be celebrated for years to come.
Women’s tennis Letter from a team fights #meninist, stomach bug pg. 5 on court, pg. 6
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
NEWS
Page 2
♦
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Photo of the Week! Want your work featured as our Photo of the Week? Submit your photos to ralebr01@gettysburg.edu!
President Janet Morgan Riggs meets with famous Gettysburg College alumnus and design of the fashon line, “Gettysburg: A Dress,” George Washington.
Gettysburg College Word Search!
Word Bank Servo
Bullet Hole
The Gettysburgian Word Search
Breidenbaugh
Glatfelter
Mr. Gettysburgian
JMR
Chicken fingers
Abe Lincoln
The Commons
Please find me help please
Weidensall
Weird News of the Week B y B rendan R aleigh N ews E ditor ONE OF THESE STORIES IS FAKE. TRY TO GUESS WHICH ONE. ANSWER IS AT THE BOTTOM.
Sardine Arrested for Arson Don’t think. Just answer. What is the worst kind of fish? You said sardine, right? We all knew it. We all saw this coming. And it happened AGAIN. Another sardine has set fire to another house owned by regular ol’ folks like you and me. On March 23, a sardine was found flopping around a garage in Madison, WI after a nearby river overflowed and left him there. Out of sheer malice and anger toward humanity, this fish flips and flops around until he knocks a set of pliars inbetween a plug and an outlet, causing a minor spark that soon had the entire garage inflamed. The sardine perished soon after, but not before causing literally dozens of dollars in damages to the garage. Disturbing, New Fungal Infection Named after Spongebob Scientists at an research center in Melbourne, Australia have recently discovered a new strain of fungal infection that is able to turn one’s fingers into a soft, spongy, and brittle material. One contracted, fingers and toes become extremely delicate and can easily be broken apart. The research team decided to name the infection after the children’s TV series, Spongebob Squarepants, as the extremities have been observed to take on a consistency and appearance that is similar to the show’s protagonist. Bearded Man Confirms Bonnie and Clyde would not have been able to survive in a modern society. Robber-wannabe Christopher Wallace of Somerset County, Maine was wanted for the burglarization of a propane cook stove and a cast iron wood stove….that is, until he revealed his location on SnapChat. Wallace wrote that he was back home in Fairfield and one of the people he sent it too has a sense of justice rivaling that of Mohandas Gandhi, Martin Luther King, or Stannis Baratheon. Wallace was charged with burglary, theft and violation of conditions of release and taken into custody, according to MyFox8.com.
Skeleton of the Week
TED I S I V N E E B E V A H U YO ON OF BY THE SKELETO S I H T T S P ! N W O T Y SPOOK R O S L L A W ’ S D N E I R F ON 6 BE R E V E N L L I W U O Y E ELS UNSPOOKED!
Pres. Cartwright chillaxes with student reporter for interview By Adam Jacobs Staff Writer
Running a prestigious liberal arts college isn’t for the faint of heart. President Denise Alen Cartwright, who graduated from a certain, unspecified university in ‘77, now runs the show at said university, and was kind enough to buy me a Mocha (with whipped) from the Commons and sat down for an interview. “Having the same work title as BrObama is pretty sweet, to say the least,” Cartwright began, “but it’s far from being all fun and games. As Presidents, we have to deal with a lot of stupid people on a daily basis.” President Cartwright, while sipping on a Venti-Chai Latte with eighteen shots of espresso, described what her average day looks like. “I wake up around five each morning to steal my neighbor’s copy of the [name of newspaper withheld] and throw a roll of that awful single-ply toilet paper all over Phi Delt’s house. Then I head over to Servo for one of those fantastic omelets, and force the manager to fire up the ice cream machine
for me. Afterwards, I whip one of those scooters-for-rent up and down North Washington, flipping off DPS and blasting some N.W.A. I like to keep in touch with my inner student.” President Cartwright recently escaped a rather brutal board meeting, where an anonymous source claims the board members grilled Cartwright for hours on what’s been going on here at the college. “Yeah, of course I remember the meeting with those liberal pansies coming into my house clamoring for ‘student rights’ and other stupid stuff. I remember thinking to myself, ‘Is this all worth it?’ Like, is it really worth sacrificing my remaining time on earth to helps secure the futures of these salmon-pant wearing toolbags strutting around campus?” This reporter, as the owner of a pair of salmon pants, is more than a little dismayed at the Kool-Aid Cartwright is selling. “I’ve got liberal pansies like you up my ass seven days a week asking me, Denise, where’s the money going, Denise?’ I don’t have time to deal with that B.S. Do you have
any idea how tough it is being all Presidential and s**t 24/7 while trying to get the grounds crew to install my new 12-man Jacuzzi the right way? I swear, this is why I drink.” At this point, we had to take a break from the interview to give President Cartwright a chance to answer some texts and, “Downvote some weak-ass Yaks to oblivion.” When asked about the recent allegations accusing her school of lacing the fingers of signature ChickenFinger Friday with laxatives, Cartwright laughed. “Of course we put laxatives in the fingers. The only one who could stomach them otherwise is a goat- we did a lot of illegal goat testing over the summer, which was fun. Off the record? They’re not even really chicken fingers- the [school-run restaurant name withheld] staff just fries up whatever animals campus security manages to taze during the week. It’s usually squirrel, but they’ve been wizening up to our tazering techniques, so occasionally we sub in some raccoons that are usually rooting around in the trash behind Servo.”
A: All fake
THE GETTYSBURGIAN Page 3
A&E ♦
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Movies at the Ma jestic
Get Acquainted Day Concert*
Mr. Turner R An exploration of the last quarter century of the great, if eccentric, British painter J.M.W. Turner’s life. Friday (4/3) - 7:00 PM Saturday (4/4) - 4:00 PM and 7:00 PM Monday - Thursday (4/6 - 4/9) - 7:00 PM On the evening of April 18th, 2015, Get Acquainted Day the campus will be having a free outdoor concert. This year’s artist will be the late, great Michael Jackson, in hologram form. After his appearance at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards, there was much excitement about the technology behind the performance. And now it is coming here for the Gettysburg community. The concert will be on Muss Beach this year, and will begin at 6:30 pm. This will surely be a night to remember! *This article is not true, Happy April Fool’s
Day!
WZBT Top Songs & Albums
Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel PG
Dames Judi Dench and Maggie Smith lead an all-star cast in the comedy-drama sequel to the sleeper hit of 2012. With Dev Patel, Richard Gere, Bill Nighy & Penelope Wilton. Friday (4/3) - 7:15 PM Saturday (4/4) - 4:15 PM and 7:15 PM Monday - Thursday (4/6 - 4/9) - 7:15 PM
Springfest 2015 Artist Announced*
Top Songs 1 POKEY LAFARGE Something In The Water Rounder 2 MONOPHONICS Sound Of Sinning Transistor 3 LOWER DENS Escape From Evil Domino 4 ALEX G Trick Lucky Number 5 DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE Kintsugi Atlantic Top Albums 1 KEATH MEAD Sunday Dinner Company 2 REVEREND PEYTON’S BIG DAMN BAND So Delicious 3 DAN DEACON Gliss Riffer Domino 4 DIAMOND RUGS Cosmetics Thirty Tigers-Sycamore 5 SCREAMING FEMALES Rose Mountain Don Giovanni 6 RYLEY WALKER Primrose Green Dead Oceans 7 POP GROUP Citizen Zombie !K7-Freaks R Us 8 MOON DUO Shadow Of The Sun Sacred Bones 9 LOWERCASE LETTERS Lowercase Letters Self-Released 10 PUNCH BROTHERS Phosphorescent Blues
Gateway Theater Movie Showtimes FRIDAY APRIL 3RD THRU WEDNESDAY APRIL 8TH **NO SHOWS AFTER 8PM MONDAY THRU THURSDAY** **BARGAIN TUESDAYS – ALL SEATS $5 – ADDITIONAL FEE FOR 3D**
This is the moment you have all been waiting for. This year’s Springfest artist will be R&B singer-songwriter Trey Songz! Trey Songz will be bringing his soulful sounds to Gettysburg’s campus on Saturday April 25! Trey Songz has had a very successful career; along with six albums and several movie roles, Songz is also currently on tour with Chris Brown on their Between the Sheets Tour. Thankfully he was able to make time for Gettysburg. Ladies bring your towels, and gentlemen bring your ladies; this is sure to be one hot event! *This article is not true, Happy April Fool’s
SHAKESPEARE’S KING JOHN FROM THE STRATFORD NO PASSES FESTIVAL WEDS. APRIL 8TH 7:00 EVENT PRICING FOUR BLOOD MOONS NO PASSES THURS. APRIL 9TH 7:30 EVENT PRICING FURIOUS 7 PG-13 NO PASSES (1:00) (1:30) (2:00) (4:00) (4:30) (5:00) 7:00 7:30 8:00 9:45 10:00
Day!
HOME 2D PG (1:15) (4:15) 7:10 HOME 3D PG 3D PRICING 9:30
Interested in writing for Arts & Entertainment? Email Raichl Davenport at davera01 for more information!
GET HARD R I.D. REQUIRED (1:45) (4:45) 7:25 10:20 THE DIVERGENT SERIES: INSURGENT 2D PG-13 (1:00) (4:00) 7:00 9:40 DO YOU BELIEVE? PG-13 (1:20) (4:20) *7:20 9:55 *NO 7:20 SHOW ON WEDNESDAY CINDERELLA PG (1:40) (4:40) 7:15 9:45
Routes 30 & 15
Gettysburg, PA
717-337-5577
~Please our www.thegettysburgian.wordpress.com website www.thegettysburgian.com and post your comments!~ ~Visit our visit website and post your comments!~
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
FEATURES Page 4
♦
Thursday, April 2, 2015
College housing shortage S t u d e n t s o f G e t t y s b u r g leads to additional trailers B y D aniella S nyder B usiness M anager
B y J amie W elch S taff W riter It is spring, and that means Gettysburg College students are participating in a competitive process that many have dubbed Hunger Games: Housing Lottery Edition. With lower and lower participation in Greek Life every year and next year’s First Year class predicted to be bigger than ever, the housing lottery has proven to be especially terrible this year. Current sophomores and juniors have already selected housing for next year, but many of them are not satisfied. For example, one sophomore told the Gettysburgian, “I got stuck with Paxton next year. PAXTON. Can you believe it?” The student wanted an apartment in Apple but found that all of them were quickly filled up by students with higher lottery numbers, leaving nothing left for his group to select. “When I opened up the housing selection system and saw there was nothing left, we laughed, and then we cried. We mostly cried,” the student said. Current First Years are in even more dire straits, as the number of r o o m s l e f t o n c a m p u s c o ntinues to dwindle and the size of the incoming First Year class continues to grow. With the Class of 2019 predicted to be the biggest First Year class ever, more members of the Class of 2019 than ever will have to be housed in Musselman. With many rooms in Musselman spoken for by next year’s freshman class, and other rooms on campus all but sucked up
by upperclassmen, that begs the question: where are the rising sophomores going to live? “It’s a problem,” a member of the Office of Residential and First Year Programs staff said, “We don’t know where to put all these people next year.” Will this mean the return of the much loathed trailers to house the overflow of students? “I don’t want to speculate on whether or not rising sophomores are living in trailers next year...but they are living in trailers next year,” she said. Many members of the current First Year class are concerned about where they are going to live next year, and for those not lucky enough to score a spot in the trailers, options that are being talked about to house students include tents on Memorial Field and a premium laminated cardboard box offering located on Stine Lake. RFYP was showing off their newest housing options in the CUB on Monday, and Gettysburgian staff talked with several students who had very negative reactions to the new sophomore housing options. One student commented, “I pay $60,000 a year for this?” Yes, yes you do. “I thought housing was guaranteed for four years,” another said. “Students were guaranteed on-campus housing for four years when they came to Gettysburg,” a RFYP staff member said, “however, we never said what kind of housing was guaranteed.” While it is technically true that the type of housing was not specified at matriculation, the general consensus among
the rising sophomores is that $60,000 a year should cover more than a tent or a cardboard box with a blanket. “I’m appalled at what these people consider housing now,” one student commented, “I thought living in Stine this year was as bad as it could get, but Res Life managed to top it for next year with the cardboard box.” In an attempt to ignore the problem entirely, the Office of Residential and First Year Programs has decided to delay giving rising sophomores their lottery numbers for as long as possible. The Class of 2018 was supposed to receive their lottery numbers on Monday but they never came. “We were hoping that if we didn’t send them another email about housing, they would forget about it and stop calling us,” a staff member said. “What more do you want? We don’t have any housing left.” Despite Residential and First Year Programs’ best efforts to get rising sophomores to forget all about housing, students continued to call the office Tuesday asking where their lottery numbers were, leading to a hastily sent email announcing that RFYP had moved the day that the numbers would be released to April 6, followed swiftly by another email telling students to “disregard the email you were previously sent.” Will the numbers be released on April 6? Will rising sophomores be forced to live in a cardboard box next year? It will all be determined live on April 14 as the Annual Housing Lottery continues!
Best ways to bring more “green” into your world B y J ulia R entsch GECO C orrespondent 1. N e a r l y t w o t h i r d s of the U.S.’s electricity is generated by burning coal or gas, so you should probably buy a giant hamster wheel and generate your electricity yourself. 2. N u c l e a r e n e r g y i s also an alternative to coal and gas, so what that really means is that you can charge your phone by blowing stuff up. Try it! 3. G e t t i n g o u t d o o r s and connecting with nature on a hike is a great way to exercise and appreciate the planet you live on, so you should probably look for the “hiking trail” option the next time you are going to Miami to visit Grandma. 4. A v o i d i n g e a t i n g meat is a really effective way to save multiple forms of energy, so you should probably make an Unbreakable Vow with Severus Snape that you will eat nothing but kale from now on. 5. Recycling is an important method of keeping valuable, slow-to-decompose material out of landfills, so the next time you notice someone throw their Bullet Hole containers in the trash you should probably start screaming bloody
murder, retrieve the offending item from the trash, and then demand they wear it as a “hat of shame” for the rest of the day. 6. M a n y s p e c i e s o f animals have become endangered because of destructive human activity aiming to extract valuable raw materials from areas these animals call home, so of course that means you should start taking steps to adopt a pangolin, orangutan, and/or elephant, to be kept in your dorm room. 7. S i n c e e v e r y o n e knows that oil companies, such as BP, Shell, and Exxon, have built their empires on selling dirty energy, you should definitely believe them when they run ad campaigns dedicated to telling everyone how environmentally-friendly they are. 8. B i k i n g a n d w a l k ing are known to be much greener ways to travel than by driving, so in order to assert your dominance over the idiot environmentalists what you should really do is buy a truck, modify it with equipment that forces extra fuel into the engine and causes it to release tons of thick, black smoke, and then proceed to call it “rolling coal” and spew the stuff at anybody driving a small car, a.k.a. “those
damn liberals who want clean air.” 9. Community involvement is always important when it comes to environmentalism, because making a community “green” certainly cannot be done by just one person. To encourage togetherness, your group theme song must be “Kumbaya” (no exceptions). 10. Climate change is known by scientists to be happening because of human activity, so you should probably just let Fox News and Senator James Inhofe answer all your questions about the importance of environmentalism. 11. Most clothing items are made with unsustainable materials and strange chemicals, so you should probably just not wear any clothes and paint yourself green instead. 12. Slowly transform into a fern, where you can assimilate with the green surroundings and definitely avoid, at all costs, staying informed about environmental news, putting your money where your mouth is with regard to the carbon footprints of the things you buy, and helping to reduce the amounts of material, water, and energy you might waste in your daily life.
Jesse DeMartino ‘15
Photo Courtsey of Daniella Snyder
“I’m dropping out of college in my final month to pursue a career in competitive croquet.”
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
OPINIONS Page 5
♦
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Note: The opinions published in this section are those of the individual writers and are in no way representative of the views of The Gettysburgian staff, The Gettysburgian or Gettysburg College.
A letter to the editor from Alex Rodriguez embodies Mr. Seymore Harry-Butts the true spirit of baseball By Jesse J. DeMartino Staff Writer
Menimist hero Guy Fawkes is a a symbol for Mens Rights all across the internet. Brave men don the Guy Fawkes signature mask as an act of rebellion against the matriarchal system set to destroy their way of life. The fedora is just good style.
By Stephany Harrington Staff Writer Lately everyone has been talking about gay rights and black lives, but no one is talking about my problems as a straight white man. My needs are constantly being pushed aside for women, gays, and blacks. It’s like I don’t even matter anymore. I really think it’s unbelievable the way they treated guys like me over the last several years. And I’m a really nice guy. Nice guys like me are always trying to show girls that they deserve us, not these rude guys who won’t treat them well. Every time I try to hang out with a girl, I get mercilessly friendzoned. And it’s incredibly unfair. I spend all this time with these girls, and then at the end of the day, I can’t even sleep with them. You’d think after all that us straight white guys have gone through, we deserve it! They are always
wearing short skirts and such low cut shirts. How do they expect me to control myself when I’m around them? And now there’s this thing with mandatory consent that is absolutely outrageous. Since when does “no” mean “no”? They’re always asking for it anyway. What pisses me off even more is that when a girl finally agrees that going out with me is her best option, she always expects me to pay for dinner. But I deserve to be treated for once. She and I have the same job, but she always thought that the extra income I receive as a man should be used to buy her dinner. Guys like me are constant victims of man-hating Feminazis. For some reason, they keep on complaining about why I sit with my legs so far apart. Don’t women know that my testicles need to breathe just as much as I do? It’s like we can’t catch a break and women are always
flaunting their privilege in my face. Even though we are constantly shut down in public for our noble beliefs, I’m glad I have a community on Reddit who I can share these thoughts with. We talk about our horror stories with women and how feminism is completely dismantling the society we live in. As it is, there so many more women in Congress than ever. Because there are only 431 men in Congress out of 535 seats, it’s almost like I don’t even have a voice anymore. Now all of these women have power, and they are pushing men like me to the sidelines. To them, I just don’t matter. As a men’s rights activist, I firmly believe that we all need to stand our ground against feminism. It’s a hateful mentality. Women don’t want equality, they are just trying to oppress us. Don’t let them bring you down. Stay strong, guys. #meninist
Red v. Blue: Blue is the bomb
By Isabel Gibson-Penrose College Democrats
Blue is the warmest color. I’ll have a blue Christmas without you. I’m blue, da ba dee, da ba die. No other color could inspire such wonderful movie titles and song lyrics; I would bet my blue suede shoes on it! Blue is calming, tranquil, and looks great on people of all skin tones. If there was a color wheel Olympics, blue would win gold. And, of course, coming last in the competition of colors is red. I have a personal grudge toward this color because when I was in middle school my grandmother decided red was not my color–my Christmas dress collection was irreparably changed. Though I might have been sad when I was eleven, in reality my grandmother was doing me a favor. My life was better for lack of red. Blue is the color of the sky and the ocean. Red is the color of blood and hot lava. The logos for almost every social media site, including Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and even the iPhone mail app
icon are blue. Seriously, what is up with all those blue logos? The only social media site with a red icon in Pinterest: the psycho, baking-obsessed friend of the social media clique. Everyone knows the only people worth messaging are people with iMessage, with messages that show up blue. Nobody has red messages, and nobody would want them. Blue permeates twenty-first century life, as it should. Blue is one of the colors of Ravenclaw, the Hogwarts House that displays intelligence. Red is the color of Slytherin. What’s that? Red is the color of Gryffindor? No, shut up, it’s the color of Slytherin. Moving on, there are many shades of blue that have gone on do to great things in their own way. Aquamarine is a stunning mermaid movie starring Jojo before she mysteriously disappeared, leaving no trace but her early 2000s teenage angst music. Cerulean had its time in the spotlight when the fabulous Meryl Streep called out Anne Hathaway’s frumpy character for her lack of fashion knowledge in The
Devil Wears Prada. It’s a little known fact that One Direction only changed their name away from Turquoise Direction because Louis is one of the few humans on Earth who looks bad in blue. Some may say it is because he is actually the devil, but this remains pure speculation. Shades of red have no such luck. All maroon has ever done is start the name of a mediocre band whose front man is less of a musician and more of a Simon Cowell wannabe. The eyes of beautiful celebrities like Chris Pine, Zooey Deschanel, and Matthew McConaughey all shine in the purest shades of blue. You know who has red eyes? Cartoon werewolves, zombies, and the devil, that’s who. Would you rather look into the eyes of a gorgeous, but still awkward and quirky celebrity or into the eyes of the actual devil (who may himself be a boyband celebrity, if certain rumors are to be believed)? Maybe it’s just because I don’t worship Satan, but I would pick the blue-eyed person every time.
Alex Rodriguez is set to make his first MLB start in 211 games as he returns from a one-year suspension for using performance-enhancing drugs. The New York Yankees will be squaring off in an old school opening day duel against their neighbors to the north, the Toronto Blue Jays. Yes, this is a big game but the story will not be focused on either team. It will be focused on A-rod. The media, fellow athletes and a majority of fans are on the hate bandwagon for Alex Rodriguez and it has been highlighted over the past couple months. He does not deserve this! Though he is coming off a suspension, his unique attitude and his high level of integrity make him the most wholesome player the league. He should be the most loved player in the MLB, not the most hated. The 1990’s to the early 2000’s is often regarded as the “Wild-West Era” of Major League Baseball. Anyone walking into a team’s locker room before a game was likely to see an athletic trainer injecting anabolic steroids into someone’s rear end. It would probably be more surprising if someone walked in and didn’t see that going on. Everyone was doing it! If there is a rule in place and everyone is breaking it, is there really something
wrong? Give him a break. He admitted to doing the drugs. Sure, he lied about it for years, but it can be forgotten. How about guys like Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds? Lets face it. Bonds lied and Sammy Sosa claiming that he couldn’t speak English in front of the Supreme Court was muy stupido. For A-rod, isn’t that what being honest is all about? Knowing when you’re wrong and making an admittance? Though he cheated and lied for about it a decade, all of that can be wiped clean by his forced admittance of wrongdoing. Alex has had a long time to think about what he’s done. He has found the light and righted his wrongs by doing all he could to clean up the game. He implicated some of his colleagues in baseball like Ryan Braun and Francisco Cervelli on drug use and leaked information to incriminate them. Some may call that being a rat and snitching, but he’s probably just doing this to ensure the continued integrity of the game. He may have made a monumental mistake, but he made a monumental effort to help the league. Yes, he may have been forced to cooperate this time, but I’m willing to bet that A-rod would’ve quickly given up information to screw his friends. Isn’t that what friendship is all about? Throwing people under the bus? To see A-rod acting in such a
selfless manner has to bring any real baseball fan to tears. When A-rod signed with the Yankees it was a $275 million, 10-year deal. How does the old saying go? I believe it is, “A man is not measured by his character but rather by his bank account.” If I’m not mistaken, Abraham Lincoln was quoted saying this. If we were to measure A-rod based on this quote, he would outweigh ninety-nine percent of all other players in the league. Money is what makes a man a man. A-rod is more than a man. He is a man who has a portrait of himself hanging over his bed, which is pretty cool. It is rumored that the portrait is of himself as a centaur, but I don’t buy it. He is not that cool. Regardless of his bank account or his collection of self-portraits one has to remember: did Alex ask for any of this? Probably not. Alex Rodriguez is simply misunderstood. He embodies what Major League Baseball stands for and should be regarded as nothing less than the game’s sweetheart. Though he has a dark past that is riddled with the use of illegal drugs, lying, deceit, and snaking his close friends, one must not forget all of the strides he has taken to reclaim his position at the top. He deserves the respect of his fellow athletes, the media and especially the fans. The real question now remains: when will they build his statue?
Big dreams to make change By Julian Weiss Opinions Editor
I’ve got big dreams. Some day I’m going to run my own Government Agency. It won’t be cynical like everything else in Washington, DC, it will be progressive and have a positive impact on the world. I’ll use my liberal arts education from Gettysburg College to show everyone that passion and compassion have a place in our government! Enough with politics! Politics just leads to gridlock and holds up good ideas. We need change, and I will be that change. When I was in high school I had passion and
conviction. The future was bright and full of possibilities, like my stringy red mustache. Working in DC for a summer put a wrench in that youthful positiveness, but why? Why should we let the old, cranky men in Washington decide our future? We need to take the torch and tell them defiantly: we will not stand for your stagnation! That is why when I came to college I studied the Middle East with a wonderful mentor. I learned Arabic and the history and culture of the Arabian peoples so that I could change all of our government’s policies in the Middle East. I was accepted into an Eisenhower Institute program to learn
more and travel to the region. I studied abroad in Morocco! But Julian, you ask, wasn’t your mentor denied tenure, didn’t you quit that EI program, wasn’t your study abroad experience complicated and difficult, and isn’t your Arabic mediocre? Yes, yes, yes, and we call it “working proficiency.” Far be it from me to get caught up in the past. We must look to the future: a bright future! A future of positive change in this country. A future without racism, endemic poverty, or senseless killings. Together, we can make this country great again! April fools...
Red v. Blue: Red. ‘Nuff said.
You would think the Opinions Editor would know by now that his section prints in grayscale. WELL, EDITING ISN’T EASY FOR ME, SO BACK OFF!
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
SPORTS
Page 6
♦
Thursday, April 2, 2015
An unidentified person replaced Shannon Keeler in goal Centennial Anniversary of Muhlenberg’s mascot ends in a forfeit
By Meredith Tombs Staff Writer This past Saturday aft e r n o o n, the Lady Bullets t o o k o n M u h l e n b e r g ’ s l acrosse team on Clark Field. In a strange turn of events, the game had to be forfeited. This game actually marked the centennial anniversary of the changing of the Muhlenberg mascot from the Eagle to the Mule. Precisely one hundred years ago on March 28, a mule wandered onto the Muhlenberg field from a nearby farm during the lacrosse team’s practice and started chasing players around the field. In the midst of this terror, the mule kicked a lacrosse ball around the fifty-yard line, narrowly missing the coaches who were standing on the sidelines. Incredibly, the ball ricocheted off the stands and ended up rolling into one of the goals. The school decided to change its mascot, as petitioned by the astounded lacrosse team, hoping that this mule was symbolic of success in future sports seasons, as well as to the academic success of its students: after all, if a mule can succeed on the lacrosse field, surely a student can graduate from college! Thankfully, no one was injured as a result of this
Photo courtesy of David Sinclair,GCC&M
The women’s lacrosse team lines up on the field before their eventful game against Muhlenberg. confused animal, and the mule was later retrieved by its owner. No further athletic endeavors were undertaken by Gerald Ford (the mule). After an impressive defensive showing for the majority of the game on Saturday, The Mules had become extremely disheart-
ened. Gettysburg’s goalie was having an outstanding game, not allowing a single of the Mules’ 32 shots past her, and snagging three goals for herself! The rest of Lady Bullets were ecstatic with their goalie’s performance and were clearly enjoying having the lead in a game
for the first time this season. After the third goal by the Bullet goalie, Muhlenberg coaches brought their concerns to the referees. They wanted her tested for performance enhancing drugs, which seemed a reasonable request after her final shot tore through the
netting of the goal, leaving it smoking at the split. The referees intervened with 11:15 left in the game. It was then discovered that Gettysburg goalie was not the usual sophomore keeper Shannon Keeler! It was an unidentified individual who reportedly made the sponta-
neous decision to play in the middle of the tailgate prior to the game. Keeler was found in the stands among spectators shortly after this realization. She seemed dazed and confused, but was soon returned to a normal state. Use of the Confundus Charm is suspected, but nothing has been confirmed. DPS is currently working with the Gettysburg Police Department and the Ministry of Magic to confirm suspicions and put this case to rest. However, the Saturday afternoon game could not be continued due to this illegality, and Gettysburg had to forfeit. The mysterious alumna could not be located, and there have been no leads. Teammates reported seeing nothing out of the ordinary prior to the game or during warmups. Even though there have been no updates on the unidentified individual, there are no indicators of any threat to students in the past or at present in regard to this individual. The Lady Bullets hope this unfortunate event will not deter friends and fans from attending the rest of their games. Let’s hope no one tries to check into the authenticity of the Gettysburg men’s lacrosse team this season...
Women’s tennis team fights a stomach bug on the court Orange Hazmat suits become the uniform for the women’s tennis team against Muhlenberg By Lauren Perry Sports Editor The Gettysburg College women’s tennis team had a rough week this week. The Bullets faced a tough Muhlenberg team, with an outstanding record of 3-3, but they had some obstacles in their way. Pink eye has been circling the Gettysburg campus and the lady Bullets certainly felt the effects of that. Over half the team was wiped out on account of the nasty bacteria. Parts of their A and B lineups were going to be kept out of the match for the safety of the Muhlenberg campus. If Gettysburg was not already suffering, a painful and atrocious stomach bug tore its way through the team. According to an eyewitness it was like a scene out of a movie, with each member of the team being taken down one by one. The struggle was real for facilities trying
to clean up the tennis courts. With the entire team down for the count, Coach Pfitzinger was forced into a difficult situation. He himself had contracted pink eye and was keeping himself in a hazmat suit just for protection against the stomach bug, but he still was not sure how he was going to have his team compete against Muhlenberg. He had thought about just recruiting some new people. The fall and winter sports were done competing so maybe one of those teams could take their place. Then, he suddenly had a genius idea! What if he just had his team all wear Hazmat suits and still compete? Pleased with his idea he went out and purchased a set of orange Hazmat suits, which would be perfect for his team to compete in. The pink eye epidemic wouldn’t spread outwards to Muhlenberg and if the girls were still afflicted with their stomach
bug, nothing could possibly escape the suit. Coach Pfitzinger was not thinking about how limiting the suit would be for his players. The ladies of the tennis team could barely move their legs fast enough to shake hands with their opponents at center court, let alone swing their arms. Watching this match was like watching a Tyrannosaurus rex play tennis. Their long arms were trapped in the rubber suit, so the range of motion was limited to just their wrists flicking the tennis rackets. It was also embarrassing for Gettysburg as the rubber suits made holding onto the rackets a real challenge. This resulted in some injuries for both sides. In one of the doubles matches, a Gettysburg girl took out her own teammate. This resulted in one of the losses for Gettysburg. One of our wins came
from a second accident. In one of the singles matches a lady Bullet was really trying to get some range of motion, but unfortunately as she was going to hit a power forehand the racket flew off. There was silence on the court as the spectators and teams were watching this racket fly only to hit a Muhlenberg girl in the head. The girl did eventually get back up, but it took long enough that she had to forfeit the match. Gettysburg’s only victory of the day may have come from a technicality, but it was a hard-hitting match that simply ended faster than the other matches. Gettysburg will be back in action against York on Thursday. Luckily these matches are at home, so the Bullets have no need for Hazmat suits. Fingers crossed Gettysburg is feeling better soon and best of luck to them.
Photo courtesy of David Sinclair,GCC&M
Pictured is sophomore Mary Ciceo before she had to but on the orange Hazmat suit
This week in Gettysburg College spring sports: Thursday, March 19: Softball vs the Yankees- 3:00 p.m. Softball vs servo employees- 3:00 p.m. Women’s lacrosse vs Gettysburg Area High School- 4:00 p.m. Baseball at Wrigley Field- 3:30 p.m. Men’s Lacrosse vs women’s tennis team Friday, March 20: Baseball at Fenway Park- 3:30 p.m. Men’s tennis vs Roger Federer- 11:00 a.m. Saturday, March 21: Men’s golf vs girls swimming- 10:30 a.m. M & W track vs Janet Morgan Riggs- 11:00 a.m. Men’s tennis vs Andre Agassi- 11:00 p.m. Sunday, March 22: Baseball vs white sox- 1:00 p.m. Men’s tennis vs Rafael Nadal
**Men’s basketball made it to the March Madness Championship! Watch them play against Kentucky in the final game! **
Are you interested in writing for the sports section? We do not want you. Please do not contact the editor of the sports section. Go away.
Page 7
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Page 8
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Page 9
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Page 10
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Page 11
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015
~Please visit our website www.thegettysburgian.com and post your comments!~
Page 12
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Page 13
♌
Thursday, April 2, 2015