SAVAGE LOVE

by Dan Savage b I’VE ALWAYS BEEN excited by BDSM but I’ve only minimally explored this side of myself until very recently. I’m a straight woman, and it was di cult to nd men who wanted more monogamish relationships on the traditional apps and a challenge to be honest about what I am looking for where kink is concerned. I’d o en get through a month or so of seeing someone before nding out they wanted a completely monogamous relationship and that they were very vanilla in the bedroom, to boot.

I was tired of wasting my time and needed to nd a partner who wanted to enjoy a kinky relationship, so I moved from traditional dating apps like Bumble and Hinge and to apps like #Open, Fetlife, and KinkD. While I’ve had a few amazing conversations and meetups, they’ve primarily been with men in open relationships, couples, or guys only looking to hook up. And it seems most people on kinky apps want to only talk about sex. While I do feel drawn to this lifestyle, I am also looking for a partner. I want someone to spend my life with who can also enjoy the kink community with me. How can I nd a guy that wants a life partner and a fun and kinky sex life? - Seeks Partner And Needs Kink P.S. One more question: I’m currently enjoying casual sex with a male partner who only buys magnum-size condoms but who does not need magnum-size condoms. It’s like fucking a half-empty grocery-store bag. How do I tell him regular condoms would be soooooo much better without making him feel bad?

Whether you’re on kinky dating apps or mainstream dating apps or both, SPANK, you’re gonna have a lot of interactions with a lot of guys who aren’t right for you before you nd the guy (or guys) who are right for you. And since there are plenty of kinky people on mainstream dating apps—you were one of them—you should be on both. Of the happily partnered kinky people I know, SPANK, half met their partners in “traditional” spaces (bars, workplaces, mainstream dating apps) while the other half met their partners in kinky spaces (munches, fetish parties, kinky dating apps). And while no one should be meeting anyone in a bar or at parties right now—there’s a pandemic on—the more places you advertise online, the likelier you are to line up a compatible partner for when this is all over.

And you shouldn’t be surprised—or put o —when someone you meet on KinkD wants to talk about their kinks. When you meet someone via a dating app that brings people together around a shared interest, it’s only natural that your initial conversa-

Kinksters looking for monogamish relationships should determine both sexual and emotional compatability on mainstream and kink dating apps. Photo by Artem Labunsky / Unsplash. tions revolve around that shared interest. career and we decided to stay together If you were posting ads on Farmers Only since communication nowadays is pretty or Christian Cafe, your rst chats would easy. But every time I try to text or call she very likely revolve around, I don’t know, responds that she’s too busy or exhausted. the price of corn or the exact moment you I could understand if this was once in a sold your soul to Donald Trump. while, but it’s literally all the time.

Whichever kind of app you meet a guy is has put a strain on our communion, you’re going to have to do the same two cation. I became irrational with these red things—the same work, the same vetting, ags and I looked up her address and a the same screw diligence—just in a di er- guy’s name popped up including his phone ent order. When you meet a guy on Bumble, number. en I did perhaps the most irSPANK, you establish baseline emotional rational thing ever and looked up our compatibility rst and then, eventually, you phone bill and his number is everywhere have a conversation about sex. With guys on her section of the bill. I asked her who you meet on KinkD, you establish baseline this dude is and she states he’s her landlord sexual compatibility rst—by talking about and employer. at’s not a red ag, but him your mutual sexual interests—and even- calling at 1 a.m. when I was working night tually get around to determining whether shi s before she moved is. you’re emotionally compatible. I confronted her and she became de-

And, again, since you could meet some- fensive and turned everything back on one with whom you are emotionally and me. She called me crazy and hurled more sexually compatible on either kind of than one “fuck you” at me and threatened dating site—mainstream or kinky—you to call the cops on me. I’ve admitted to my should keep your ads up on both. wrongdoing in violating her privacy and

P.S. Loose condoms come o and loose I’ve repeatedly asked her to talk about it condoms leak, SPANK, so a guy who uses but it always turns into a ght. We’ve been XXL condoms on a medium dick puts together two years and I’ve never met any you at greater risk of contracting an STI of her friends or her 20-year-old son. What or having an unplanned pregnancy. And do you think? for what? To impress the checkout clerk at - I’m Getting Nothing Outta Relationship CVS? Don’t worry about making him feel Except Drama bad. Tell him he gets condoms that t or he nds someone else to fuck. I think there’s only so much time you b I’VE LIVED WITH my girlfriend for over a should waste on a person who doesn’t have time for you—to say nothing of a person year now till about a month ago, when she who isn’t particularly kind to you and, afmoved to the East Coast, so now we’re in a ter two years, hasn’t integrated you into her long-distance relationship. I supported her life in a meaningful way. move because she’s following her dream I also think you need to ask yourself

what’s more likely, IGNORED: your girlfriend—who can’t take your calls now but could take that guy’s in the middle of the night when you two were living together— is living with and working with a guy she knew before moving away or that your girlfriend is living with and working with and fucking with a guy she moved across the country to be with? I think the latter is far more likely.

But even if she’s not fucking him—even if she isn’t holding on to you as a backup or doesn’t want to end things because you pay her phone bill—she doesn’t make time for you and it doesn’t sound like she’s particularly kind to when she can spare you a moment. I don’t know why she hasn’t done the right thing and ended it, IGNORED, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do the right thing for yourself and end it.

b I EXPECT MANY of your astute readers will have written to you about this, but here goes anyway: you described the wannafuckmath when arranging a foursome as far more complicated than the wannafuckmath when arranging a threesome. But the wannafuckmath isn’t actually very complicated.

For any n-some, the Wannafuck number = n • (n-1). So for the humble twosome, it’s 2 • 1. Two! Just what you’d expect. For a threesome, it’s 6. For a foursome, it’s 12. So a foursome is wannafuckmathematically six times more complicated than a twosome but only twice as complicated as a threesome. Even the rarely seen hundredsome only has a wannafuck number of 9,900: large, perhaps unachievable, but not in nite. - Math Is Sexy Today and Yesterday

I was once in a room where at least a hundred people were having sex—in Berlin, naturally—so I have seen the elusive hundredsome with my own eyes. Or the hundred-andthen-some, I should say. (And to be clear: I was a witness, not a participant.) But unlike a threesome or a foursome, a hundredsome isn’t an arranged-in-advance/by-invitationonly a air. It’s more of a book-a-largeenough-space-and-advertise-it-extensivelyand-they-will-come a air.

So, paradoxically, hosting a by-invitation-only threesome or foursome—or even a by-invitation-only tensome—where you establish in advance that everyone is attracted to each other may be more di cult to pull o than hosting a Berlin hundredsome. g

Email: mail@savagelove.net. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. On this week’s Lovecast, Ask a Sub’s Lina Dune, and the anxious return of “Dr. Bummer”: www.savagelovecast.com.